Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Club Murder Vacation - full transcript

- I think I witnessed a murder.
- That's crazy.

[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...

- Is that man dead?
- Let's talk about you.

You've got a victim and
you've got an eye witness.

Now, where we come from,
that's called a murder case.

Don't suppose there's any way of
draining the lake without some help.

I told you to leave
this thing alone.

What thing, Sheriff?

You got something going
on we don't know about?

Lovely little place
you got here,

but we're late for our shuffleboard
game back at the hotel.



What is this? Is the
whole town in on this thing?

Hit the siren.

[siren wailing]

[Together] No!

♪♪ [theme]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

Oh, hello.

My name's Turner, Oliver Turner.

Uh, I'm in real estate.

I have a card right here, and...

Excuse me.

Has my husband left
a message for me?



The name is Turner.

No, ma'am, I'm afraid not.

Are you sure? No calls?

No.

[sighs]

Hmm. Okay. Thanks.

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Hello.

- A.J.?
- Hi, Mom.

I just wanted to let you
know I got here all right.

Good. I'm glad to hear it.

And guess what.

They're overbooked,

so they gave me a large
suite for the same price.

Really? That's nice.

You think you and Rick
would like to come up

for a few days?

It's a shame to
waste that extra room.

Oh, well, thank you, Mom.

Uh, not for me.

I'll ask Rick, though.

Any interesting
men up there yet?

Not yet, but it looks promising.

I'd better go now.

Okay. Well, you enjoy yourself.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

I'm planning on it.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

[chuckles]

Haven't seen that
done since fourth grade.

How would you know?

As I remember, your idea
of breaking in a new book

was to use it for second base.

[laughs]

Been by the office?

Yeah.

No calls, no... no mail.

Looks like we got
a few days off here.

Hey, tell you what. Put
the boat in the water,

we'll cruise down to
Baja, we'll do a little fishing.

- What do you say?
- Oh, not for me.

This is all the vacation
I need right here.

Got the new Michener.

Can you buy anything
like that by the pound?

- Mom called.
- Yeah?

Yeah. They gave her a
suite with two bedrooms.

I thought maybe you might
want to go up and join her.

Any guy over the age of 30
who vacations with his mother

ought to join the Marine
Corps or see a shrink, or both.

[laughs]

You remember that vacation
we took with Mom and Dad

when I was in the fifth grade?

I will never forget the
expression on Dad's face

when he found out I'd
learned the facts of life

from that accordion
player in the lounge.

The guy had it all wrong, too.

Rick, I would love to
play "This is Your Life,"

but right now, I
want to read, okay?

I'm leaving you alone right now.

Here I go.

- A.J.
- Mm.

Margaritaville.

- Oh, not for me, thanks.
- Oh.

Uh, it was a nice
thought, though.

Maybe later?

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I'll just, uh... save this.

- What?
- You want to go to the track?

I got some discount coupons.

They're giving
away blankets today.

[sighs] No, thank you.

Oh.

Yeah, all right.

I guess I won't go, either.

A.J., look what I found.

This is Wanda.
Wanda's a beautician.

She works out near the airport.

And this is Joleen.

Joleen is, uh...

Well, she's unemployed right now

but she wants to be a waitress.

And I'm sorry, darlin'. I
didn't catch your name.

- What was that?
- Trixie.

Yeah, I'll bet
that's right, too.

Thank you.

Hello, A.J.

Hi.

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

Let me make us a drink.

I'm famous for my milk punch.

Great. [panting]

Well, you really gave
me a workout today.

- I'm afraid I'm a bit rusty.
- [sighs]

You're very good.
You play very well.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Oh, hi, honey.
- Hi.

Leo, this is my son A.J.
A.J., this is Leo Marx.

How do you do? Nice to meet you.

- Likewise.
- Excuse me.

That was your son?

Yes, my youngest.

You have more than one?

Oh, yes. Two.

Excuse me.

[whispering] Why
did you bring the gun?

You came here to get away.

Yeah, Mom. I always bring a gun.

Look, I really have to go.
I'm in a bit of a rush, okay?

Bye-bye. Nice to meet you.

- Uh, well, thank you.
- [door closes]

Was that a gun?

Yes, I think so.

Well, now for the milk punch.

[Man] I appreciate you coming
to me with this, Mr. Simon.

It's a very interesting story,

and I'll keep my
ear to the ground.

Keep your ear to
the ground, huh?

Sheriff, if you have your ear to the
ground when I get these developed,

you're going to
hear an earthquake.

Well, I sure hope you're wrong.

We kind of like to keep things
nice and peaceful up here.

A thing like that
could upset the fish.

[Sheriff laughs]

You like fishing, Mr. Simon?

That depends on what's running.

Oh, we've got everything...

Trout, wall-eye, bass.

I don't think I've ever seen
anybody reel in a body, though.

Look, um... what did
you say it was... A.J.

Why don't you go back
and enjoy yourself?

Don't make this a
busman's holiday.

Well, it's already a
little bit more than that.

I hate to say this, Sheriff,

but you're going to have
some very upset fish.

Well, look, if, uh...

if it'll make you any happier,

I'll take that film, we'll
run it up in the lab,

we'll have it up this afternoon.

If those pictures are
what you say they are,

that roll is evidence.

You don't want to
withhold evidence.

You'll give me a call as soon
as you get them developed?

Tell you what I'll do.

If there are pretty
pictures of the lake in here,

why, we'll make a
couple prints at no charge.

Good for tourism.

Yeah.

Oh, one other thing.

I didn't see the
boat's name clearly,

but I could see the number 76.

Does that ring any bells?

Nope.

I'll keep it in mind, though.

Okay.

[motor rumbling]

[motor stops]

You know, I hear they rent
sailboats down at the docks.

Would you like to go out
on the lake this afternoon?

Oh, I'd love it. I used
to sail quite a bit.

- Did you?
- Mm-hmm.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

You look terrible.

Well, I've been up all night.

Hi. How's the backhand going?

[chuckles] Fine, thanks.

A.J., what's going on with you?

You're going to
think it's crazy.

Try me.

I think I witnessed a murder.

That's crazy.

What murder? Where? Who?

- Are you feeling all right?
- Yeah.

Look, Mom,

I'm on to something
right now, okay?

So I'll talk to you later,
I'll explain everything.

All right?

I'm sorry, sir. I've
never heard of it.

You must have heard of it.
It's the only jet on the lake.

- Look, it's about
20 feet long...
- A.J.

Excuse us.

- Now, A.J., you listen to me.
- Mom!

You used to act this way
when you stayed up all night

before final exams.

You get all tensed up,

and then you break out
in one of those rashes.

Now, I think you should
go to bed and get some rest

before you do something foolish.

Mom, there is definitely
something weird

going on around here.

It's as if everybody's
in on it or...

Now, I mean it.

Go to bed.

Yes, ma'am.

Rick.

[sighs]

Morning, A.J.

Well, well, well.

The family that plays
together stays together.

I'm glad you got so much
faith in your youngest son, Mom.

Hey, come on, take
it easy. It's my idea.

Get yourself cleaned
up. I'll take you home.

No way. I'm in the
middle of a case.

You are becoming a case.

Let's get out of here. Let
Mom enjoy her vacation.

[Cecilia] Well, you've
done all you can.

Staying here will be just
too much of a temptation.

When did the Sheriff
bring these by?

Why didn't you wake me?

Well, some deputy
dropped them off.

Said the Sheriff didn't
need them anymore.

Thought you might
want them back.

There are some
beautiful shots of the lake.

Oh, yeah. I love
this one, the one...

It's not here. Damn!

Why did I give
that guy the film?

What are you talking about?

Look, I... [sighs]

I have a photograph
of these two men

throwing a body
out of that boat,

and it's gone.

It's not here!

Dexter, did you or the boys

have the boat on
the lake yesterday?

Yeah, sure.

We were trying to get that
big wall-eye over by the dam.

No luck, though.

Who was with you?

Well, uh, Ben, of course.
He always handles the boat.

And, oh, yeah,
Watson. Hank Watson.

And this Watson
boy, he likes to swim?

Yeah, Sheriff.

As a matter of fact, he took
a little dip late in the day.

Dexter, the water in that
lake is about 50 degrees.

It was a short swim.

Just who took these
pictures, Hardiman?

Some private detective
from San Diego.

Private detective?

Yeah. Up here to vacation.

Just asking around.

Doesn't sound like
he's on vacation to me.

Look, I'm paying
you to take care

of things like
this, so, uh, do it.

I'll keep these,
if you don't mind.

I, uh... I like
pictures of my boat.

[laughing]

[sighs]

Just what the hell
was going on out there?

We found a guy in the fields.

Took care of him.

Took care of him? What...

Killed him?

We do whatever is
necessary to protect the crop.

I see.

[sighs]

I didn't bargain on
anything like this.

Couldn't be helped.

Take my word for it.

All right.

You use my money,
you're on my land,

and you need my protection.

I will not tolerate
another incident like this.

Okay, okay. Take it easy.

Just give us till
Friday, Saturday.

We'll have the
fields picked clean.

- We'll be gone.
- No more trouble.

No more trouble. I'll see to it.

[chuckling]

- Okay. Hey, wake up.
- What? What?

Now look at this.

- Um, here we go.
- Mm-hmm.

- 14A.
- Mm-hmm.

17A.

Right.

Don't you get it?

I'm missing two,
maybe three shots.

A.J., sometimes you take a
picture, it doesn't turn out...

No, Rick. Look, you
don't understand.

The sheriff is in on this.

Somebody has deliberately
cut out two exposures.

Shouldn't you be
getting home now?

Rick, I was there.

I know what I saw.

I mean, you don't
want to get home

in the middle of the night.

Come on. Hey, come on, come on.

I want to talk
to you in private.

Fine. Yeah. Okay.

Don't worry about it,
Mom. I'll... I'll handle it.

Don't suppose there's any way of
draining the lake without some help, huh?

This was supposed
to be a vacation.

Well, it still is, Mom, for you.

You go ahead and have some
fun, and we'll stay out of your way.

Yep. You won't
even know we're here.

I suppose the first thing we ought to do
is ask around, see if anybody's missing.

Yep. Bye, Mom.

So long!

And I just don't
know what to do.

It isn't like him to
disappear like this.

If I go home, he
might come back here.

But if I stay here, then...

maybe he would go there.

I...

Can you think of any
reason why your husband

might have gone home suddenly?

No.

I called most of our
friends in San Francisco.

Nobody's heard from him.

Did you tell the sheriff this?

Yeah, and, uh, he said
that I shouldn't worry about it,

that he was sure that Oliver
would turn up sooner or later.

Well, that's typical.

Do you have any idea where
your husband was headed?

I don't even know if I can
afford private detectives.

You don't have to afford
us. This one's on the house.

[sighs]

I don't know exactly
where he was going.

Um, someplace north of
town, off the main highway.

That's all he told me.

And I didn't think
anything of it

because he's in real estate.

He's always curious
about property for sale

wherever we go,
even on vacation.

[crying]

It's going to be okay.

[Rick] Oh, we got a bogey.

Let's check it out.

[expels breath]

Keys are still in it.

Yeah. Maybe it's a
traveling salesman

answering the call of nature.

No. Tracks are dry.

Leaves in it.

This car's been sitting here.

Hey, you two.

Howdy.

Can you read?

Yeah, as a matter
of fact, I can.

Something you'd like
me to read for you?

No wise guys.

Uh, the sign up there
says "No trespassing."

Didn't say anything
about "No wise guys."

We're leaving.

Lovely little place
you got here,

but we're late for our
shuffleboard game,

so we're just going
to take off now.

See you later.

[doors opening, closing]

[engine starts]

You wanted to see me?

Two men were snooping around
the north quarter this afternoon.

Dexter's people ran them off.

We don't think
they saw anything.

Two men?

This detective seems
to have a friend.

I told you this morning to get
rid of those people, Hardiman.

You got any
suggestions as to how?

Look, you may be
able to run this county

like you own it, Gable,

but this is still the
state of California,

the U.S. of A here.

Refresh my memory, Hardiman.

Just how much does
the county pay you?

You know damn well
how much I get paid.

No. It, uh... It seems to
have slipped my mind.

I... I want to hear you say it.

How much?

12,000.

Oh. Well, how would you
like to try to live on that?

♪♪ [polka]

Gable Wineries?

You're sure?

Okay. Thanks.

Yeah, I know, I know. That's
another one we owe you.

Thanks a million. Bye-bye.

[sighs]

I checked with the
car rental agency.

They say Turner brought
the car back yesterday.

What is this? Is the
whole town in on this thing?

Let's go get a drink.

Hi, Mom.

Hi.

Uh, beer.

- You want anything?
- No, thanks.

Janet checked with the DMV.

The boat that I saw is
owned by Gable Wineries.

Very interesting.

- [clicks tongue]
- I thought so, too.

I thought maybe we could
have a little chat with Mr. Gable.

Oh, boy.

We've got 300 pounds
of trouble coming.

Evening, Sheriff.

You were trespassing today.

I was sightseeing today.

I guess we just didn't
happen to see the signs.

Uh, Sheriff, you want a drink?
Maybe something tall and...

You've been snooping
around too much.

I told you to leave
this thing alone.

What thing, Sheriff?

You got something going
on we don't know about?

I'm telling the both
of you to leave.

I don't think you have
any right to do that.

Oh, now, boys.

This isn't the big city.

We kind of have our own
way of doing things up here.

And if I tell you to
get out of my county,

you're going to get
out of my county,

or you're going to jail.

Now, you don't want
me to prove that, do you?

Because, for instance, I
could have your room searched.

And if a weapon turned
up, you could spend,

oh, a week or so in lock-up
while I checked your licenses.

Or if I had a written complaint

that you were trespassing, huh?

[stuttering] Sheriff,
down at the dock...

What?

I think you should come see it.

[police radio chatter]

You just don't believe
that something like this

could ever happen to you.

[meows]

I really want to thank
you for being here to help.

You sure you're
going to be all right?

I've got so much to do.

I've got to pack,

and my sister will be down
from San Francisco by 2.

I can help you with all that,

and I'll stay with you
until your sister comes.

Thank you, Mom.

Everything's going to be okay.

All right?

It's time to go to work.

All right, we know that
the boat is registered

to a man named Gable.

We found the car
on Gable's property.

Now so far, you've got a victim
and you've got an eye witness.

Now, where we come from,
that's called a murder case.

And just what the
hell do you call it?

- An accidental death.
- Oh, f...

The medical examiner
says Oliver Turner drowned.

Of course he drowned.
It just wasn't accidental.

You're trying to
tell me that the guy

goes out for a drive
in the countryside,

and then just suddenly he
happens to decide to go for a swim

in a freezing cold lake
with no bathing suit?

Look, I told you last night,

I'd have to arrest you
unless you left town.

Are you blind or stupid or both?

Or are you on the take?
Who's paying you off?

Is Gable the one
who's paying you off?

- Okay, that's it...
- All right.

Now wait a minutes,
guys. Hold up, hold up.

Just settle down here a minute.

Now, A.J., I think
the sheriff's right.

- You what?
- Yeah.

I mean, whether
Turner went off a boat

or decided to take a
swim doesn't really matter.

It's right there in the
report. It's an accident.

There's no charges,
there's no case.

Now, let's do what the man says

and make some
tracks out of here.

- Come on.
- Rick.

Come on.

Um, look, I'm sorry we
were so much trouble to you.

You've got a real
nice little situation here.

Let's go.

Go.

Why in the hell did you
drag me out of there?

Hey, take it easy now.

That cracker was about to
put us in the safe deposit box.

- Besides, I got an idea.
- What?

Jerry Reiner.

Let's get a second
opinion on the autopsy.

That's not a bad idea.

Did you ever know
me to have a bad idea?

Don't answer that.

You want me to what?

How are we going
to get the body?

We'll go to what?

I don't believe this.

[sighs]

[clears throat]

Bealer Brothers
Mortuary, San Francisco.

We're here for Oliver Turner.

Well, there must
be some mistake.

Mistake?

Did you call ahead
and clear this

with Mr. Adcock,
the administrator?

Because he's gone for the
day and I can't possibly...

It's entirely routine.

Anyone can sign for
the hospital, even you.

I won't release the body.

That's Mr. Adcock's
responsibility.

You'll have to come
back tomorrow.

Uh, tomorrow, my dear lady...

The funeral is scheduled
for 7:00 tomorrow morning

in Golden Gate Park.

The departed loved
sunrise in the park.

600 mourners will be there,

a caterer, and a
classical string quartet.

When they, quite understandably,

wonder where the loved
one is, I'll tell them...

Nurse Gingrich
wouldn't give him to me.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Uh-oh. We got company.

- How you doing?
- Good.

Hey, what's wrong? Who's sick?

Uh, nobody's sick.

This is some life-support
equipment for a CPR conference.

- Huh?
- Spec week
in the Redwood Run.

- Oh. Need any help?
- Come on, you two.

No. You just sweep
up there, okay?

Okay.

Ah, that's good.

Yeah.

Easy, easy. Okay, okay.

[loud clattering]

- Come on.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Easy.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

We'd better get this stuff off.

- All right.
- Okay.

Watch the bag.

Aah!

Shh!

Gently.

Uh, just put it over
there on the table.

Oh, no, uh...

You're not going to
conduct an autopsy in here.

I need to check the body for
another possible cause of death...

Bullet hole, bump
in the head, anything.

Whew.

All right. Ready?

[Together] One, two, three.

[Jerry] Wait a minute.

[knocking]

- Who is it?
- Room service.

- We don't want any.
- Is this 517?

Changed our minds.

The lady who ordered
the champagne

said it was important.

[whispering] Let
him in. Let him in.

- Wait...
- What?

Let him in. Go on.

We'll cover it. Go on.

[expels breath, sniffs]

Hi. You can just put
that right, uh, in there.

Thank you.

Uh, do you think the Padres

are going to go all
the way this year?

Yeah, if the bull pen holds
up, everybody stays healthy.

Oh, yeah. Here you go...

I'll be back in 15 minutes
with your hot hors d'oeuvres.

That will be fine. Thank you.

- Do you want the fondue?
- Fondue sounds terrific.

- Okay.
- Fondue?

- Get started here, huh?
- [Rick expels breath]

Hmm.

Nothing abnormal here.

[ding]

I thought we'd eat in the room.

It's much more private
than the dining room.

Yes. And I'm beginning to
hate that accordion player.

And I've ordered
champagne to start with.

On second thought,

maybe the dining
room is a better idea.

Is that man dead?

Let's talk about you.

Now then, where was I?

Oh. A.J., put your finger
right there a minute.

What?

Put your finger there a
minute. I need a little help.

I need a little air.

[chuckling]

Me, too.

Well, I don't need this, do I?

[both sighing]

Ah! Ready for the fondue?

Ugh! Ugh!

Uh, look, why don't
you just take this away,

and we'll call you when
we're ready to eat, okay?

Yeah.

Anything for you? It
was luncheon for two.

No. No, thank you.

[Server clears throat]

Oh, I'm a little short.

Rick, why don't you
give him a tip, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, let's see here.

Thank you.

Jerry, how can you do that?

- What?
- Eat.

I don't know.

Autopsies make me hungry.

It was nice of your
mom to order this.

Well, okay.

The M.E.'s report was
accurate as far as it goes.

No contusions, cuts, abrasions,

or other signs of a
fight or a struggle.

And the guy definitely drowned.

But not in the lake.

Huh?

Along with the water in
his lungs I found wine.

- Wine?
- Wine?

Wine.

Maybe the guy was drunk
when they drowned him.

No. The only way to
get wine into your lungs

is to inhale it.

Whenever we find two kinds
of fluids in the lungs like this,

it usually means the guy
was drowned someplace else

and then put in a lake or
the ocean to cover it up.

This guy drowned
in wine, not the lake.

Gable.

It's worth checking out.

First of all, let's get that
body to the state cops.

Wait a minute. I
haven't finished eating.

Bring it with you.

Okay.

Come on!

Rick!

I don't think I hurt him, A.J.

[all grunting]

Come on!

They just left the
hotel with the body.

You know, I'm used to it.

But if I were you, I'd turn
the air conditioning on.

What is that?

[Jerry] Hit the siren.

[siren blaring]

[Rick] That didn't
work. Hang on!

[tires screeching]

[indistinct conversation]

Looks like dissention
in the ranks.

They're probably arguing about
whether to shoot us or drown us.

[Dexter] Out.

[A.J.] Marijuana.

[Rick] Sure. Why not?

More money in this than wine.

Oliver Turner stumbles onto it,

the goons here pick
him up and take him

for a one-way swim
in a vat of wine.

I can't wait to see
what little surprise

they've got in store for us.

- Hey, in there.
- In there?

- Yeah.
- Ah.

I always said
that before I died,

I wanted to drink
a truly great wine.

This is cutting
it a little close,

but what the hell?

And that's final!

Look, Gable, I'm
running this operation.

- We agreed on that.
- I did not agree to murder.

And this is still my land.

You own a thousand
acres of dead grapevines.

If I hadn't come in here
with a new cash crop, pal,

you'd be out on your
pedigree looking for a job.

[scoffs]

Does that mean we have to
kill everybody who wanders by

and accidentally sees
what we're growing?

Until we get it harvested, yeah.

There's too much at stake here.

Look, you stand to make
5 million bucks, no taxes.

Now think about that.

A lot of people have
been killed for a lot less.

Now, if you don't want
us in here next year,

that's up to you.

We can always find more land.

But in the meantime,

those nosey guys
in the warehouse,

they're going to
simply disappear.

And this time, there
won't be enough left

to float back to the dock.

Then there was the guy
that got hit by a piano.

- Hit by a piano?
- Yeah.

Walking down the street,
minding his own business.

Some people were moving
out of a third-floor apartment.

They were lowering this
grand piano out the window.

The rope broke. Swack!

- Right on top of this guy.
- Yeah.

People heard it
from blocks around.

Ugh!

The strangest one I
ever saw was in Nam.

- Ah, napalm.
- No.

- Tracer bullets.
- No.

Shrapnel from a Bouncing Betty.

No, no, no. Nothing like that.

It was supply sergeant.

Got drunk in a Saigon restaurant

and drowned in a bowl
of hot and sour soup.

Look, as much as I am enjoying
my most unforgettable stiff,

what do you say we keep
these guys from killing us?

You mean you don't
want them to turn us

into a crude but
hardy table wine?

Not really.

- You suppose this marijuana's
dry enough to burn?
- Probably.

Let's make our friends think
we've had too much to drink.

Let us pretend we've
had too much to drink.

[grunts]

- This is a crime.
- Oh.

[Rick] Did the governor call?

[A.J. giggling]

All right, boys. Come on out.

No. We like it in here.

Come on in. There's
plenty to drink.

I think I may have
said come on out.

That's probably
where I heard it.

You see? All you had
to do was ask nice.

[Dexter] Get out.

[expels breath]

Ah!

You must be Mr. Gable.

That's right.

In the murder business now, huh?

You shut up. Come on!

Oh, boy! Moving. Moving.

Okay.

[A.J.] Oh! Oh, oh. I gotcha.

Wait a minute. Something's up.

Hey, there's a fire!
Put this out here.

Our profits are burning up.

Uh!

Gee, I really can't.

[grunting, shouting]

Oh!

[Hardiman] Everybody
hold right where you are.

Hardiman, you're just in time.

Hey, what is this?

I've had enough, Gable.

I've looked the other
way far too long.

This is the end.

Why, you... [clears throat]

Oh, thank you.

Cheers.

♪♪ [theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA