Shooting Stars (1993–2011): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
celebrity TV quiz, Shooting Stars!
And introducing Team A, please welcome
Norman Pace!
Unctuous, bum-faced Norman,
invented the hot cross bun,
when he dropped a red-hot crucifix
onto a current bun.
Fiercely jealous of his partner
Garret's good looks,
Norman has injected over 40 000 pounds
of collagen into his face.
And, joining Norman on Team A,
please welcome Kathy Lloyd!
Gorgeous, pouting, bearded model Kathy,
has recently tired of her image
as a piece of working class crumpet,
and has started a company that installs
ladies scratching posts in shopping malls
throughout the country.
She has her knockers,
but WE think she's great!
And joining Norman and Kathy, please
welcome the captain of Team A:
Mister Mark Lamarr.
And introducing Team B,
please welcome Gareth Hale.
Bulbous-headed Gareth, grew his
moustache in an attempt to look gay.
He's not, of course. No, he's a
macho robotics dance teacher,
and can often be seen sweating like
a pig in his local scout hut,
whilst eager, young cubs bottle up
his perspiration and sell it as beer.
Which, basically it is,
given the amount he drinks!
And joining Gareth on Team B,
please welcome Patsy Palmer!
Reptilian redhead Patsy,
is so prickly, that at school,
she was nicknamed
"The Whitechapel Dalmatian".
Until she joined the dots on her forearm,
to find they spelt "Eastender".
She knew then, she was destined to
a life gracing on cockles and whelks,
and participating in endless knees-ups.
And now: Please welcome the captain
of Team B: Miss Ulrika Jonsson.
And finally, your hosts for this evening:
Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!
Welcome to Shooting Stars!
Welcome whoever you are!
- The stars have been seated...
- ...and successfully greeted.
So come along, and let's start
Shooting Stars!
Oh, yeah!
Sit down!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Good evening, and welcome!
Welcome, indeed, of evening primrose
oil, welcome to you all!
- Welcome.
- Welcome to Shooting Stars...
Not real guns, of course.
Simply my hands.
An easy mistake to make, though.
- That's a good point!
- Carry on, carry on, carry on.
Welcome to Shooting Stars, the quiz
where we ask REAL human celebrities
questions on showbiz matters for cash,
or cash equivalent gifts.
That's right, and without any further ado,
let's meet the scorekeeper tonight,
- ladies and gentlemen: George Dawes!
- Oh, yes!
Yes! George Dawes, who incidentally IS
a baby, and will be playing the drums
- and keeping the scores tonight.
- A really, rather big baby.
Ulrika, our team captain from Team B,
you've had a baby recently?
I have.
And how old is he?
I have... Uh...
- Think about it!
- It don't matter!
About that, yeah. A few months, something.
- "A few months"?
- Yes.
- Bigger than he was, awhile back?
- Yes. That's right, yeah.
Right. And does he dance, yet?
No, he doesn't, you know.
Mmm, he should be about now,
really, shouldn't he? A few months.
Let's move on now, and meet team
captain of Team A, it's Mark Lamarr!
Mmmm, gorgeous Mark Lamarr.
Now then, Mark.
You're a kind of 50's throwback.
Is that right?
Didn't I say to you before the program,
I'm not doing any banter?
All right then, fair enough.
You sit back there and sit with your greasy
hair up, or whatever you do on the...
- Mark? What "banter", Mark?
- Listen, no. Don't talk to him!
- Some sort of Indian omelette?
- Leave him alone!
Now, if you should hear THIS noise
during the course of the quiz...
No worry, it's just Norman's thong
giving way under the...
Giving way of the shear weight of his
sweat he's producing, this evening.
And, if you should hear THIS sound...
Don't worry, it's simply the thing
that lives on Gareth's back!
Just chomping away at his very flesh.
Let's get on with the quiz!
Yes, the rules are quite simple.
There are open rounds, team rounds,
and individual rounds. And on the open
rounds we, REALLY wanna see those fingers.
Really wanna see those fingers.
In fact, can we see those fingers now?
Let's take a look at those fingers.
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
You look like you're quite a good
fingerer there, Gareth?
Sorry, that's being incorrectly
phrased, there.
I was awarded a diploma for it, and
it hasn't gone to waste, completely.
No, I'm sure it hasn't.
I'm sure you, um,
have no need for toilet paper.
Gareth, I wish you'd practice what
you preach, and have some Colette?s.
Go on, get on with it! You're supposed
to introduce the first round.
The first round, ladies and gentlemen,
is 'True or false'.
Mmm, 'True or false', and the first
question is for YOU, Gareth.
True or false, Gareth?
Before Dehlia Smith was a professional cook,
she was a professional hockey player.
True or false, true or false?
False.
It IS false! She was a hairdresser.
- Oh, really? It doesn't show.
- Well done, Gareth!
- Ey?
- It doesn't show!
- Doesn't it?
- Yeah.
Looks like she did YOURS
tonight though, Ulrika.
Bitch!
- I'm sorry!?
- Is he a bitch?
Yeah, but even though it's falling out,
- it looks nice.
- Yeah, he is.
I'm gonna hand THIS question over,
now, to Norman on Team A.
Norman. Could you tell me, true or false,
Woody Allen eats out...
...365 days a year.
I'm not gonna beat around the bush
with you there, Vic.
I'm gonna go for a 'true' on that one.
It IS true, he will eat out!
- He will eat out...
- 356 days a year, how about that?
Patsy! Thank you for coming,
firstly, of course!
And you're on 'Eastenders'. What's erm...
What's Percy Sugden REALLY like?
You know, what's he REALLY like?
Do the question.
Will do. Patsy? Gloria Estefan was
educated at a convent,
run by an incredibly fat nun,
with a moustache. True or false?
True.
You said 'true', and it IS true.
Well done.
That's the information
we've been given.
Well done.
Where were we? Kathy!
Lovely to see you, Kathy.
- You're from Liverpool, aren't you?
- Yeah.
What are the Beatles REALLY like?
I'm only joking, Kathy.
Lovely to see you. Now, ehm...
We... If you DO any boobs tonight,
I will promise to overlook them...
Really? Is that the best you two can do?!
I'm trying to play the part, and now breasts.
Is that the best you can do?
"Britain's top light entertainer",
you call yourself, but...
Excuse me! Excuse me!
- Deduct one point for bantering.
- Yes.
- He hasn't got a point, yet.
- He banters! He banters!
- It wasn't banter! That was insult!
- He hasn't gotten a point, yet!
Oh, that's all right then, sorry.
Kathy!
Rubber lips!
True or false?
Kathy. In his youth...
...Trevor McDonald was the drummer
in Bob Marley and the Wailers.
True or false?
False.
False.
It is false! Well done!
- Go on, then.
- Ulrika?
Alfred Hitchcock loved train
time tables SO much...
...he used to memorise them.
True or false?
True.
- It IS true.
- Oh, God!
Well done!
Mark?
Are you enjoying yourself tonight, Mark?
Immensely.
Good...
Mark? Mike McShane, whilst on holiday...
...this is 'True or False', remember.
Mike McShane, whilst on holiday,
woke up on the beach to find
that somebody had their bike in
his bottom crevasse.
True or false?
True.
It's false.
It that the end of that round?
- Yes, that's the end of it.
- Oh, well!
And that leads us now, to say:
What are the scores, George Dawes?
No, no. Thank you.
The scores are: Mark Lamarr has 2.
And Ulrika Jonsson, she's got 3.
Oh, Ulrika!
Ulrika? Does YOUR son play the drums?
- No, he doesn't.
- He should be, by now.
- No, really, he should.
- He should be.
The next round is the clips round.
We're gonna show the contestants
a clip, and ask them a question thereon.
So, have a look at the clip.
And the first clip is for you, Team A.
Lovely Mark.
I think I could describe you very much,
as the "Liquid Dulling Man", only...
...Wales-born is getting that reputation.
Arthur, you...
I mean you must do quite
a bit of seed chitting, don't you?
Oh, yes, erh... I chitted
my parsnips, here. And I...
I think, chitted seeds has got a future.
I have chitted onions seeds.
My, oh my!
Team A? What exactly ARE chitted seeds?
- Can we confer?
- Of course, you can.
Now, what is it, Kathy?
- Go on then, Cath.
- I don't know. Is it, um...
The seeds have already begun to like, grow?
- That thing?
- She's got it!
- That's exactly right, well done Kathy!
- Well done!
Kathy sharing her knowledge of chitting, there!
You've must have chitted seeds in the past.
I have, yeah.
Team B! Where's your question.
Take a look at this clip, here.
Let me do your sitting room carpet,
while I'm here!
Would you?
You see, the thing about the Hoover is,
that it deals with all three kinds of dirt.
THREE kinds of dirt!?
Yes.
Don't think I'm trying to be cleverer
than you. But there ARE three kinds of dirt.
"You see, there ARE three kinds of dirt!"
What ARE the three kinds of dirt?
Can you tell us what are
the three kinds of dirt?
Dust...
Dust.
- Soil...
- Grit.
Elk droppings...
Maybe in the 50's.
Mark, you'll know about that.
He was responsible for them.
I'm sorry, I can't...
Could I give 'em a point?
- I think you can, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'll give you a point.
- Let's have a look.
Well, let's take a look,
and see what it is.
Dust.
Fluff.
And grit.
- Oh! We forgot fluff!
- You see?
- DUST! FLUFF...
- We forgot a bit of fluff!
...AND GRIT!!!
DUST. FLUFF. AND GRIT!!!
- DUST. FLUFF. AND GRIT!!!
- Yes, all right, Vic!
And I think we should immediately
go over to George, and ask:
George Dawes, what are the scores?
Ha ha ha... No, no.
Hardcore, you know the score.
They've got 4...
...and Ulrika's team, they've got 5.
Well done, Ulrika's team.
Looks like they're in the lead.
And, eh... I think we'll...
That's the halfway point there,
ladies and gentlemen,
so we're gonna have a little brake...
...and have a quick snack.
What have you brought out, then?
Well, I'm having a break, anyway.
What have you got, there?
I've got myself a steak and kidney pie,
Vic. What have you got?
Some salmon. D'you wanna swap?
What is it, John West?
No, it's erm...
It's the manufacturer formerly
known as Prince's.
- That was a good joke, wasn't it?
- I was a VERY good joke, wasn't it?
Very nice.
The next round, ladies and gentlemen,
is the impressions round.
Where Vic and myself do impressions
of popular celebrities,
and ask the contestants to guess
who is the celebrity.
Now, it's an open round, so I
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
- We'd like to see those fingers.
- REALLY wanna see those fingers.
Okay?
So, ladies and gentlemen.
Who... Is this?
"Have you ever noticed, like..."
PACE!
- Connolly, Billy.
- Well done! Connolly, Billy.
Connolly, Billy. That's right.
Ey?
That is the wrong way round,
wasn't it?
- Was it?
- Yeah...
- What was the wrong way round?
- His name.
What, he should've given the answer
before the impression?
- Ah, I see.
- Yeah.
Who is this?
"Sid?"
"Sid?"
Lamarr.
Bresslaw, Bernard.
Bresslaw, Bernard. Yes!
And for a little bit of a twist,
ladies and gentlemen,
the next impression will be done by
mister Vic Reeves, seated here...
...but he's gonna sing in the style
of a club singer.
And you, with you fingers on your
buzzers, must try and identify
the popular song he is singing. If
you're ready, George Dawes? 2-3-4.
Hale!
- Knock three times.
- It is correct! Well done!
Excellent work, there, from Hale.
And we can actually hear what it's
supposed to sound like now,
George Dawes, here we go! 2-3-4.
- Thank you, George!
- There we are.
Now, to kind of, turn the table, slightly,
what we're gonna do now is we're gonna
ask the celebrities
to do an impression of their own.
So...
Random factor, choose your victim.
Please.
Lamarr!
Mark Lamarr. The team captain for
Team A. Do us an impression.
"Whas the matter with me?
Wanna know if Andy like me."
"Am I stupid, or somefing?"
It's Patsy!
Was it?
Patsy?
It's not! It's not, is it?
It's Ricky!
- I thought it was Ricky!
- Yeah, I did as well.
No, it wasn't. It was you!
Mmm, ladies and gentlemen,
now moving on to the...
- Kathy!
- Yes?
D'you go for blokes like him?
You know, the skinny runts?
Not like me. Strong blokes, like me?
Um...
- It depends, really.
- Yeah.
- What mood I'm in.
- Exactly.
- 'Cause I can crack nuts in that.
- Yeah.
- That's good. That's nice.
- I do! Brazil...
I cracked YOUR nuts all
last Christmas, didn't I?
I'll crack YOUR nuts, if you like?
Again, yeah.
If you've got any...
Moving on to the next round,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's called 'The Dove from Above'.
Why? Because a dove,
will come, from above.
If we encourage it to, by cooing.
Now, can I just stop you there?
Because, apparently...
Gareth is an expert,
world champion cooer.
Can we hear YOUR coo?
- Not bad, ey?
- Pretty good, innit?
Let them go...
- No, that's fine. Go!
- Ain't she beautiful, that dove?
- She is.
- The dove has landed.
The beautiful dove, there. Now,
you'll see, printed on it's chest,
tail, neck, and so on, categories.
Now, they represent categories of questions.
And we're gonna ask each of you
to pick one of those categories
and then answer a question on it.
Behind one of those categories,
is a very special price.
And if you should select that
category, you'll hear this noise:
Eranu!
Now, if you should answer a question
incorrectly, you'll hear THIS noise:
Ouvavu!
So, for a special price, it's:
Eranu!
And for an incorrect answer, it's:
Ouvavu!
So, is that clear, everyone?
Okay.
I'm gonna start with YOU Patsy,
if you don't mind?
Will you, please, pick a category?
'Royalty', please.
Royalty?
- Mmm, nice category.
- Got it here, Vic.
Name three celebrities, Patsy,
who have a title in their name,
but are not ACTUALLY royalty.
You know, like say, hmm,
- James Earl Jones, for example.
- Right, um...
- Sir Ian McKellen.
- Ian McKellen!?
Has she got the grip of the...?
Has she got the plot?
Patsy?
- Prince Naseem.
- "What's the matter with me?"
- "Am I stupid, or something?"
- That's one!
Oh, yeah, I've got it.
- Go on.
- Go on. Ignore him.
I was gonna say Elv... Um...
- The Dukes of Hazzard!
- Yes, all right!
Well done!
All the Dukes. All those crazy Dukes!
Those crazy Dukes!
Who like to jump through car windows,
given any chance.
Well, you've got four, with the crazy Dukes,
but if you've got any more, that's...
Right, okay, moving on now... To Kathy.
Pick a category, please!
Um, 'Numbers', please.
Numbers.
Numbers, numbers, numbers, Kathy.
- SO important in counting.
- SO important in counting.
Name three films, that have a number
greater than 100 in them,
such as "The million, billion dollar brain".
Can I have "101 Dalmatians"?
Yes, ONE.
No conferring.
- Thank you!
- The Millionaires.
- That wasn't, I didn't like...
- The Millionaires.
The Millionaires, that's...
Can we have that!?
- Well, if it's a film.
- I think, there's a million in it, yeah.
Um...
- Six million dollar...
- The Six million dollar man.
- Six million dollar...
- And... 2000 B.C. Is that wrong?
Well, yeah, nearly enough.
I think "2000 B.C."
is your favourite Kathy, innit?
- Yeah.
- We'll give you a point for that one.
Ulrika.
You, of course, were a weather girl,
in a previous life.
Yeah.
So, what exactly IS wind?
I think Gareth could tell you about that!
No, Gareth PRODUCES it, but what IS it?
I'll show you later...
You'll show me wind later? Mmmm...
Ulrika? Choose... Pick a category.
Can I have...?
'Meat', please?
Eranu!
'Eranu' indeed, miss Jonsson.
You have won tonight's Star Price!
Well done! Now, all you have to do
is select a number between 1 and 500,
and we will select a price from the
corresponding page in the catalogue.
Pick a... Pick a page!
- Oh, yeah, we are looking!
- Pick a page.
- 498, please!
- 498.
I'm not sure... 498, where is it?
Four, something... Four, 489!
Well, you've landed on the shoe page, there!
Is your baby wearing gents shoes yet?
- No.
- 'Cause, to be honest, Ulrika,
- he SHOULDN'T be.
- He shouldn't.
Well, go on then. Pick a pair.
I'd have the brown size 11's,
with the little laces at the top.
- Nice choice!
- They're yours.
Nice choice from Mark David?s.
Well done, Ulrika!
But, we still have to ask you
the question, Ulrika.
Oh, sh...
What?
- "Oh, shoes!"
- Oh, shoes.
Oh, shoes. Lovely shoes.
- Have a look at these stills.
- Yeah.
Right, and tell me which is
the odd one out.
- The chap in the top left corner...
- And why is that?
Because, he's Frank... The other one,
in the middle with the glasses
is Frank Butcher, and Dewhurst's
a butcher too, aren't they?
And, so, what's Kevin?
Kevin is the bacon.
Norman!
- Matey.
- Pick a category!
Pick a category!
Can I have 'Rography'?
Nice choice!
Yes, nice one. Geography.
Yes.
- Norman.
- Yes.
Bruce Willis... Keanu Reeves...
...and Mel Gibson are all huge
stars who live in America.
Only one of them was actually BORN
there. Which one?
- Which one was born in America?
- I'm gonna go for the obvious,
Bruce Willis answer.
That's the one I would've gone to,
but the answer is, in fact...
Mel Gibson!
- Now, there's a thing!
- Who would've thought it?
- In Peekskill, New York.
- Can I have an 'ouvavu'?
Ouvavuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....
- Mmm, well that's the end...
- ...that's the end of THAT round,
and, should we have a look at the scores?
I think we should go straight over to
George Dawes, and ask:
What are those scores, George?
I'LL TELL YOU THE SCORES, THEN!!!
Mark Lamarr... Has got 8.
And Ulrika Jonsson, she's doin'
'perty' well, she's got 10.
Ten points, for Team B!
The next round is a kind of,
quick fire round.
And not like the sort of, flash fire
you get in the forest, of course.
No! Quick fire! Because, we're
against the clock, here...
...and when we're out of time,
you'll hear THIS noise:
That's right. So let's crack on
with the Quick Fire round. I'll start.
It's on the buzzers, by the way,
- so let's see those fingers.
- We REALLY wanna see those fingers.
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
Quick Fire, on the buzzers,
starting NOW!
Which actor co-starred with an invisible
six-foot tall rabbit in the...
Lamarr.
Jimmy Stewart.
- No!
- Is the correct answer.
No, Ulrika. It's correct.
Which month...
- What?
- Ey? Who was doing that?
- It was Bob Hoskins!
- I'll retract it, then.
- It's the Quick Fire round, you know?
- It was another film.
- Which month is the Queens...
- Just... Ulrika?
The rabbit in the Bob Hoskins film
was visible.
Could I have the away with call, please?
Ulrika... Next time you go and
see 'Who killed Roger Rabbit',
have a look out for the animated character.
It's Quick Fire round, we're going
against the clock, for Christ's sake!
Which...
...actor...
Which actor spent a year in Provence?
- John Thaw.
- My thing doesn't work!
Your fingers don't work!?
My THING doesn't work!
It doesn't? I'll just check that.
Which... Which month is the Queen
Christmas Day speech televised?
Pace!
- December.
- Correct!
- It did it again!
- No, you DIDN'T, Ulrika!
You dreamt it.
It worked when I was on
University Challenge!
Well, press Gareth's...
PJ and Duncan first found fame
in which children's...
Lamarr.
- Biker Grove.
- Correct.
In which decade did Cliff Richard
have his first number one?
Lamarr.
The 50's...
That's NOT banter! That's NOT banter.
That was an answer!
But those where riding in
on your face, didn't they?
- You ready, Ulrika?
- I'm ready. Both thumbs.
Pressure could be your saviour.
Ey?
Rather than just a light dusting.
Which character is played by
Sid Owen in 'Eastenders'?
Patsy!
Ricky.
Ricky!
Ricky!
Ricky!!!
The film 'Drop dead Fred' starred
which British comedian?
Lamarr.
I bloody pressed it!
Mine doesn't work!
- Is it Rik Mayall?
- Correct!
Oh, this is so... This is such
a stitch up! I'm going...
- Is it upsetting you, Ulrika?
- It's REALLY upsetting me, I'm f...
Could you press Ulrika's buzzer,
just in the other side she doors it?
If you WERE a Gladiator, Ulrika,
would you be called 'Lightfinger'?
Or, 'The slow button presser'.
Now, can you...? Just behave for
a second, let Ulrika get this one?
- All right.
- Right. Go on.
I probably don't know the answer
to this one!
Oh, I think you will.
Who is the female presenter...
Shame on you, George Dawes!
Just out of time. What are
the scores, George Dawes?
Ulrika Jonsson's got 11,
and Mark Lamarr's the WINNER,
with 14 points!
Well done, Mark!
Well, you skillfully cracked back there,
from a remainal of certain doom, BUT...
...you ARE the winners. And sadly,
Team B are the losers.
But, nobody goes away from here
open handed,
as you've won tonight's consolation
price, which are these...
...beautiful Freddie Krueger style gloves!
Oh, yes, Gareth.
Your own Krueger style glove!
That's fantastic, thanks!
Now then, Mark Lamarr's team,
team A, the winners...
Team captain Mark Lamarr, will you
select somebody from your team
to come and join us up here
for the Spud gun Challenge?
What is... What's the Spud gun Challenge?
Well, basically, you, erm...
Get shot...
...on the backside by a spud gun.
So, I've got to pick who I wanna see
bent over, being shot up the arse?
Yes.
- Thank you!
- Norman.
It's me.
Norman! Come and join us
for the Spud gun Challenge!
Norman!
I'm SO glad it was YOU that was chosen(!).
Thank you(!)
Well, there's the 14 pounds you've won,
rounded up to 15 pounds.
Thank you very much.
Now, let me explain a few things
to you now, Norman,
about the Spud gun Challenge.
You've won quite a lot of money already,
that you just pocketed, there...
- ...but, it's to share amongst everyone.
- No.
No? Yes! Oh yes!
Yes, yes...
But, we're gonna give you the chance
to add 100 pounds
- to that already magnificent figure.
- Really?
- The 100 pounds are here, just behind you.
- Yeah?
Vic is gonna fire a potato gun...
...at your backside.
Now, on impact, should you flinch...
...you fail.
Remember that phrase,
should you flinch, you fail.
If, however, you maintain your
decor or grin, you win.
Take a position suitable for having your, er...
...potato introduced to you backs...
Who will be the arbiter of the flinch?
I will be the arbiter, I was going on
to explain, but I'll do it right now.
'Cause, if you bend down, Gareth...
- I'm gonna look at you...
- It's Norman.
Yeah, I'm okay! Yeah!
- YOU wanna have a go?
- Yeah!
Norman... I'm sorry. Norman.
With your lovely, cheeky smile.
Now, I'm here, which is quite near you,
I'm gonna examine your face,
and on impact, should you flinch,
I pinch...
...and take away potential
earnings for you.
Should you maintain your decorum,
that?s fine!
So Vic, perhaps you'd
like to take over, there?
Yes, I'd just like to make a point, now,
that I'm gonna be using this sort of spud gun.
And a spud gun IS a weapon, and if you ARE
gonna be using one of these at home,
please remember to wear goggles...
...whilst you're firing it, as I am now.
Now, that's very sensible.
So, I hope everyone's got that?
I'll be the arbiter, if you flinch,
I pinch, Norman!
- Okay.
- Okay! Is the spud gun loaded?
Check.
Is the material tightly stretched
across the backside?
Check.
Then, there's a Spud gun Challenge on!
Here we go!
Spud one!
That's fine.
Spud two!
There's a flinch!
Flinch! I've got to pinch, Gareth!
- Spud three!
- Norman!
That was fine!
- No, I pinched that!
- Yeah well, you got my name wrong!
Fine! That's fair enough.
What spud are you on?
Spud five. The final spud!
Oh, yes! That was the one!
I've got to pinch you 100 pounds!
Did it hit that spot?
- Gareth?
- Norman.
Well, there we are,
ladies and gentlemen.
Quite a lot of money exchanged hands,
quite a lot of spud,
impacted on human flesh.
That's 'Shooting Stars',
we'll see you again!
celebrity TV quiz, Shooting Stars!
And introducing Team A, please welcome
Norman Pace!
Unctuous, bum-faced Norman,
invented the hot cross bun,
when he dropped a red-hot crucifix
onto a current bun.
Fiercely jealous of his partner
Garret's good looks,
Norman has injected over 40 000 pounds
of collagen into his face.
And, joining Norman on Team A,
please welcome Kathy Lloyd!
Gorgeous, pouting, bearded model Kathy,
has recently tired of her image
as a piece of working class crumpet,
and has started a company that installs
ladies scratching posts in shopping malls
throughout the country.
She has her knockers,
but WE think she's great!
And joining Norman and Kathy, please
welcome the captain of Team A:
Mister Mark Lamarr.
And introducing Team B,
please welcome Gareth Hale.
Bulbous-headed Gareth, grew his
moustache in an attempt to look gay.
He's not, of course. No, he's a
macho robotics dance teacher,
and can often be seen sweating like
a pig in his local scout hut,
whilst eager, young cubs bottle up
his perspiration and sell it as beer.
Which, basically it is,
given the amount he drinks!
And joining Gareth on Team B,
please welcome Patsy Palmer!
Reptilian redhead Patsy,
is so prickly, that at school,
she was nicknamed
"The Whitechapel Dalmatian".
Until she joined the dots on her forearm,
to find they spelt "Eastender".
She knew then, she was destined to
a life gracing on cockles and whelks,
and participating in endless knees-ups.
And now: Please welcome the captain
of Team B: Miss Ulrika Jonsson.
And finally, your hosts for this evening:
Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!
Welcome to Shooting Stars!
Welcome whoever you are!
- The stars have been seated...
- ...and successfully greeted.
So come along, and let's start
Shooting Stars!
Oh, yeah!
Sit down!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Good evening, and welcome!
Welcome, indeed, of evening primrose
oil, welcome to you all!
- Welcome.
- Welcome to Shooting Stars...
Not real guns, of course.
Simply my hands.
An easy mistake to make, though.
- That's a good point!
- Carry on, carry on, carry on.
Welcome to Shooting Stars, the quiz
where we ask REAL human celebrities
questions on showbiz matters for cash,
or cash equivalent gifts.
That's right, and without any further ado,
let's meet the scorekeeper tonight,
- ladies and gentlemen: George Dawes!
- Oh, yes!
Yes! George Dawes, who incidentally IS
a baby, and will be playing the drums
- and keeping the scores tonight.
- A really, rather big baby.
Ulrika, our team captain from Team B,
you've had a baby recently?
I have.
And how old is he?
I have... Uh...
- Think about it!
- It don't matter!
About that, yeah. A few months, something.
- "A few months"?
- Yes.
- Bigger than he was, awhile back?
- Yes. That's right, yeah.
Right. And does he dance, yet?
No, he doesn't, you know.
Mmm, he should be about now,
really, shouldn't he? A few months.
Let's move on now, and meet team
captain of Team A, it's Mark Lamarr!
Mmmm, gorgeous Mark Lamarr.
Now then, Mark.
You're a kind of 50's throwback.
Is that right?
Didn't I say to you before the program,
I'm not doing any banter?
All right then, fair enough.
You sit back there and sit with your greasy
hair up, or whatever you do on the...
- Mark? What "banter", Mark?
- Listen, no. Don't talk to him!
- Some sort of Indian omelette?
- Leave him alone!
Now, if you should hear THIS noise
during the course of the quiz...
No worry, it's just Norman's thong
giving way under the...
Giving way of the shear weight of his
sweat he's producing, this evening.
And, if you should hear THIS sound...
Don't worry, it's simply the thing
that lives on Gareth's back!
Just chomping away at his very flesh.
Let's get on with the quiz!
Yes, the rules are quite simple.
There are open rounds, team rounds,
and individual rounds. And on the open
rounds we, REALLY wanna see those fingers.
Really wanna see those fingers.
In fact, can we see those fingers now?
Let's take a look at those fingers.
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
You look like you're quite a good
fingerer there, Gareth?
Sorry, that's being incorrectly
phrased, there.
I was awarded a diploma for it, and
it hasn't gone to waste, completely.
No, I'm sure it hasn't.
I'm sure you, um,
have no need for toilet paper.
Gareth, I wish you'd practice what
you preach, and have some Colette?s.
Go on, get on with it! You're supposed
to introduce the first round.
The first round, ladies and gentlemen,
is 'True or false'.
Mmm, 'True or false', and the first
question is for YOU, Gareth.
True or false, Gareth?
Before Dehlia Smith was a professional cook,
she was a professional hockey player.
True or false, true or false?
False.
It IS false! She was a hairdresser.
- Oh, really? It doesn't show.
- Well done, Gareth!
- Ey?
- It doesn't show!
- Doesn't it?
- Yeah.
Looks like she did YOURS
tonight though, Ulrika.
Bitch!
- I'm sorry!?
- Is he a bitch?
Yeah, but even though it's falling out,
- it looks nice.
- Yeah, he is.
I'm gonna hand THIS question over,
now, to Norman on Team A.
Norman. Could you tell me, true or false,
Woody Allen eats out...
...365 days a year.
I'm not gonna beat around the bush
with you there, Vic.
I'm gonna go for a 'true' on that one.
It IS true, he will eat out!
- He will eat out...
- 356 days a year, how about that?
Patsy! Thank you for coming,
firstly, of course!
And you're on 'Eastenders'. What's erm...
What's Percy Sugden REALLY like?
You know, what's he REALLY like?
Do the question.
Will do. Patsy? Gloria Estefan was
educated at a convent,
run by an incredibly fat nun,
with a moustache. True or false?
True.
You said 'true', and it IS true.
Well done.
That's the information
we've been given.
Well done.
Where were we? Kathy!
Lovely to see you, Kathy.
- You're from Liverpool, aren't you?
- Yeah.
What are the Beatles REALLY like?
I'm only joking, Kathy.
Lovely to see you. Now, ehm...
We... If you DO any boobs tonight,
I will promise to overlook them...
Really? Is that the best you two can do?!
I'm trying to play the part, and now breasts.
Is that the best you can do?
"Britain's top light entertainer",
you call yourself, but...
Excuse me! Excuse me!
- Deduct one point for bantering.
- Yes.
- He hasn't got a point, yet.
- He banters! He banters!
- It wasn't banter! That was insult!
- He hasn't gotten a point, yet!
Oh, that's all right then, sorry.
Kathy!
Rubber lips!
True or false?
Kathy. In his youth...
...Trevor McDonald was the drummer
in Bob Marley and the Wailers.
True or false?
False.
False.
It is false! Well done!
- Go on, then.
- Ulrika?
Alfred Hitchcock loved train
time tables SO much...
...he used to memorise them.
True or false?
True.
- It IS true.
- Oh, God!
Well done!
Mark?
Are you enjoying yourself tonight, Mark?
Immensely.
Good...
Mark? Mike McShane, whilst on holiday...
...this is 'True or False', remember.
Mike McShane, whilst on holiday,
woke up on the beach to find
that somebody had their bike in
his bottom crevasse.
True or false?
True.
It's false.
It that the end of that round?
- Yes, that's the end of it.
- Oh, well!
And that leads us now, to say:
What are the scores, George Dawes?
No, no. Thank you.
The scores are: Mark Lamarr has 2.
And Ulrika Jonsson, she's got 3.
Oh, Ulrika!
Ulrika? Does YOUR son play the drums?
- No, he doesn't.
- He should be, by now.
- No, really, he should.
- He should be.
The next round is the clips round.
We're gonna show the contestants
a clip, and ask them a question thereon.
So, have a look at the clip.
And the first clip is for you, Team A.
Lovely Mark.
I think I could describe you very much,
as the "Liquid Dulling Man", only...
...Wales-born is getting that reputation.
Arthur, you...
I mean you must do quite
a bit of seed chitting, don't you?
Oh, yes, erh... I chitted
my parsnips, here. And I...
I think, chitted seeds has got a future.
I have chitted onions seeds.
My, oh my!
Team A? What exactly ARE chitted seeds?
- Can we confer?
- Of course, you can.
Now, what is it, Kathy?
- Go on then, Cath.
- I don't know. Is it, um...
The seeds have already begun to like, grow?
- That thing?
- She's got it!
- That's exactly right, well done Kathy!
- Well done!
Kathy sharing her knowledge of chitting, there!
You've must have chitted seeds in the past.
I have, yeah.
Team B! Where's your question.
Take a look at this clip, here.
Let me do your sitting room carpet,
while I'm here!
Would you?
You see, the thing about the Hoover is,
that it deals with all three kinds of dirt.
THREE kinds of dirt!?
Yes.
Don't think I'm trying to be cleverer
than you. But there ARE three kinds of dirt.
"You see, there ARE three kinds of dirt!"
What ARE the three kinds of dirt?
Can you tell us what are
the three kinds of dirt?
Dust...
Dust.
- Soil...
- Grit.
Elk droppings...
Maybe in the 50's.
Mark, you'll know about that.
He was responsible for them.
I'm sorry, I can't...
Could I give 'em a point?
- I think you can, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'll give you a point.
- Let's have a look.
Well, let's take a look,
and see what it is.
Dust.
Fluff.
And grit.
- Oh! We forgot fluff!
- You see?
- DUST! FLUFF...
- We forgot a bit of fluff!
...AND GRIT!!!
DUST. FLUFF. AND GRIT!!!
- DUST. FLUFF. AND GRIT!!!
- Yes, all right, Vic!
And I think we should immediately
go over to George, and ask:
George Dawes, what are the scores?
Ha ha ha... No, no.
Hardcore, you know the score.
They've got 4...
...and Ulrika's team, they've got 5.
Well done, Ulrika's team.
Looks like they're in the lead.
And, eh... I think we'll...
That's the halfway point there,
ladies and gentlemen,
so we're gonna have a little brake...
...and have a quick snack.
What have you brought out, then?
Well, I'm having a break, anyway.
What have you got, there?
I've got myself a steak and kidney pie,
Vic. What have you got?
Some salmon. D'you wanna swap?
What is it, John West?
No, it's erm...
It's the manufacturer formerly
known as Prince's.
- That was a good joke, wasn't it?
- I was a VERY good joke, wasn't it?
Very nice.
The next round, ladies and gentlemen,
is the impressions round.
Where Vic and myself do impressions
of popular celebrities,
and ask the contestants to guess
who is the celebrity.
Now, it's an open round, so I
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
- We'd like to see those fingers.
- REALLY wanna see those fingers.
Okay?
So, ladies and gentlemen.
Who... Is this?
"Have you ever noticed, like..."
PACE!
- Connolly, Billy.
- Well done! Connolly, Billy.
Connolly, Billy. That's right.
Ey?
That is the wrong way round,
wasn't it?
- Was it?
- Yeah...
- What was the wrong way round?
- His name.
What, he should've given the answer
before the impression?
- Ah, I see.
- Yeah.
Who is this?
"Sid?"
"Sid?"
Lamarr.
Bresslaw, Bernard.
Bresslaw, Bernard. Yes!
And for a little bit of a twist,
ladies and gentlemen,
the next impression will be done by
mister Vic Reeves, seated here...
...but he's gonna sing in the style
of a club singer.
And you, with you fingers on your
buzzers, must try and identify
the popular song he is singing. If
you're ready, George Dawes? 2-3-4.
Hale!
- Knock three times.
- It is correct! Well done!
Excellent work, there, from Hale.
And we can actually hear what it's
supposed to sound like now,
George Dawes, here we go! 2-3-4.
- Thank you, George!
- There we are.
Now, to kind of, turn the table, slightly,
what we're gonna do now is we're gonna
ask the celebrities
to do an impression of their own.
So...
Random factor, choose your victim.
Please.
Lamarr!
Mark Lamarr. The team captain for
Team A. Do us an impression.
"Whas the matter with me?
Wanna know if Andy like me."
"Am I stupid, or somefing?"
It's Patsy!
Was it?
Patsy?
It's not! It's not, is it?
It's Ricky!
- I thought it was Ricky!
- Yeah, I did as well.
No, it wasn't. It was you!
Mmm, ladies and gentlemen,
now moving on to the...
- Kathy!
- Yes?
D'you go for blokes like him?
You know, the skinny runts?
Not like me. Strong blokes, like me?
Um...
- It depends, really.
- Yeah.
- What mood I'm in.
- Exactly.
- 'Cause I can crack nuts in that.
- Yeah.
- That's good. That's nice.
- I do! Brazil...
I cracked YOUR nuts all
last Christmas, didn't I?
I'll crack YOUR nuts, if you like?
Again, yeah.
If you've got any...
Moving on to the next round,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's called 'The Dove from Above'.
Why? Because a dove,
will come, from above.
If we encourage it to, by cooing.
Now, can I just stop you there?
Because, apparently...
Gareth is an expert,
world champion cooer.
Can we hear YOUR coo?
- Not bad, ey?
- Pretty good, innit?
Let them go...
- No, that's fine. Go!
- Ain't she beautiful, that dove?
- She is.
- The dove has landed.
The beautiful dove, there. Now,
you'll see, printed on it's chest,
tail, neck, and so on, categories.
Now, they represent categories of questions.
And we're gonna ask each of you
to pick one of those categories
and then answer a question on it.
Behind one of those categories,
is a very special price.
And if you should select that
category, you'll hear this noise:
Eranu!
Now, if you should answer a question
incorrectly, you'll hear THIS noise:
Ouvavu!
So, for a special price, it's:
Eranu!
And for an incorrect answer, it's:
Ouvavu!
So, is that clear, everyone?
Okay.
I'm gonna start with YOU Patsy,
if you don't mind?
Will you, please, pick a category?
'Royalty', please.
Royalty?
- Mmm, nice category.
- Got it here, Vic.
Name three celebrities, Patsy,
who have a title in their name,
but are not ACTUALLY royalty.
You know, like say, hmm,
- James Earl Jones, for example.
- Right, um...
- Sir Ian McKellen.
- Ian McKellen!?
Has she got the grip of the...?
Has she got the plot?
Patsy?
- Prince Naseem.
- "What's the matter with me?"
- "Am I stupid, or something?"
- That's one!
Oh, yeah, I've got it.
- Go on.
- Go on. Ignore him.
I was gonna say Elv... Um...
- The Dukes of Hazzard!
- Yes, all right!
Well done!
All the Dukes. All those crazy Dukes!
Those crazy Dukes!
Who like to jump through car windows,
given any chance.
Well, you've got four, with the crazy Dukes,
but if you've got any more, that's...
Right, okay, moving on now... To Kathy.
Pick a category, please!
Um, 'Numbers', please.
Numbers.
Numbers, numbers, numbers, Kathy.
- SO important in counting.
- SO important in counting.
Name three films, that have a number
greater than 100 in them,
such as "The million, billion dollar brain".
Can I have "101 Dalmatians"?
Yes, ONE.
No conferring.
- Thank you!
- The Millionaires.
- That wasn't, I didn't like...
- The Millionaires.
The Millionaires, that's...
Can we have that!?
- Well, if it's a film.
- I think, there's a million in it, yeah.
Um...
- Six million dollar...
- The Six million dollar man.
- Six million dollar...
- And... 2000 B.C. Is that wrong?
Well, yeah, nearly enough.
I think "2000 B.C."
is your favourite Kathy, innit?
- Yeah.
- We'll give you a point for that one.
Ulrika.
You, of course, were a weather girl,
in a previous life.
Yeah.
So, what exactly IS wind?
I think Gareth could tell you about that!
No, Gareth PRODUCES it, but what IS it?
I'll show you later...
You'll show me wind later? Mmmm...
Ulrika? Choose... Pick a category.
Can I have...?
'Meat', please?
Eranu!
'Eranu' indeed, miss Jonsson.
You have won tonight's Star Price!
Well done! Now, all you have to do
is select a number between 1 and 500,
and we will select a price from the
corresponding page in the catalogue.
Pick a... Pick a page!
- Oh, yeah, we are looking!
- Pick a page.
- 498, please!
- 498.
I'm not sure... 498, where is it?
Four, something... Four, 489!
Well, you've landed on the shoe page, there!
Is your baby wearing gents shoes yet?
- No.
- 'Cause, to be honest, Ulrika,
- he SHOULDN'T be.
- He shouldn't.
Well, go on then. Pick a pair.
I'd have the brown size 11's,
with the little laces at the top.
- Nice choice!
- They're yours.
Nice choice from Mark David?s.
Well done, Ulrika!
But, we still have to ask you
the question, Ulrika.
Oh, sh...
What?
- "Oh, shoes!"
- Oh, shoes.
Oh, shoes. Lovely shoes.
- Have a look at these stills.
- Yeah.
Right, and tell me which is
the odd one out.
- The chap in the top left corner...
- And why is that?
Because, he's Frank... The other one,
in the middle with the glasses
is Frank Butcher, and Dewhurst's
a butcher too, aren't they?
And, so, what's Kevin?
Kevin is the bacon.
Norman!
- Matey.
- Pick a category!
Pick a category!
Can I have 'Rography'?
Nice choice!
Yes, nice one. Geography.
Yes.
- Norman.
- Yes.
Bruce Willis... Keanu Reeves...
...and Mel Gibson are all huge
stars who live in America.
Only one of them was actually BORN
there. Which one?
- Which one was born in America?
- I'm gonna go for the obvious,
Bruce Willis answer.
That's the one I would've gone to,
but the answer is, in fact...
Mel Gibson!
- Now, there's a thing!
- Who would've thought it?
- In Peekskill, New York.
- Can I have an 'ouvavu'?
Ouvavuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....
- Mmm, well that's the end...
- ...that's the end of THAT round,
and, should we have a look at the scores?
I think we should go straight over to
George Dawes, and ask:
What are those scores, George?
I'LL TELL YOU THE SCORES, THEN!!!
Mark Lamarr... Has got 8.
And Ulrika Jonsson, she's doin'
'perty' well, she's got 10.
Ten points, for Team B!
The next round is a kind of,
quick fire round.
And not like the sort of, flash fire
you get in the forest, of course.
No! Quick fire! Because, we're
against the clock, here...
...and when we're out of time,
you'll hear THIS noise:
That's right. So let's crack on
with the Quick Fire round. I'll start.
It's on the buzzers, by the way,
- so let's see those fingers.
- We REALLY wanna see those fingers.
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
Quick Fire, on the buzzers,
starting NOW!
Which actor co-starred with an invisible
six-foot tall rabbit in the...
Lamarr.
Jimmy Stewart.
- No!
- Is the correct answer.
No, Ulrika. It's correct.
Which month...
- What?
- Ey? Who was doing that?
- It was Bob Hoskins!
- I'll retract it, then.
- It's the Quick Fire round, you know?
- It was another film.
- Which month is the Queens...
- Just... Ulrika?
The rabbit in the Bob Hoskins film
was visible.
Could I have the away with call, please?
Ulrika... Next time you go and
see 'Who killed Roger Rabbit',
have a look out for the animated character.
It's Quick Fire round, we're going
against the clock, for Christ's sake!
Which...
...actor...
Which actor spent a year in Provence?
- John Thaw.
- My thing doesn't work!
Your fingers don't work!?
My THING doesn't work!
It doesn't? I'll just check that.
Which... Which month is the Queen
Christmas Day speech televised?
Pace!
- December.
- Correct!
- It did it again!
- No, you DIDN'T, Ulrika!
You dreamt it.
It worked when I was on
University Challenge!
Well, press Gareth's...
PJ and Duncan first found fame
in which children's...
Lamarr.
- Biker Grove.
- Correct.
In which decade did Cliff Richard
have his first number one?
Lamarr.
The 50's...
That's NOT banter! That's NOT banter.
That was an answer!
But those where riding in
on your face, didn't they?
- You ready, Ulrika?
- I'm ready. Both thumbs.
Pressure could be your saviour.
Ey?
Rather than just a light dusting.
Which character is played by
Sid Owen in 'Eastenders'?
Patsy!
Ricky.
Ricky!
Ricky!
Ricky!!!
The film 'Drop dead Fred' starred
which British comedian?
Lamarr.
I bloody pressed it!
Mine doesn't work!
- Is it Rik Mayall?
- Correct!
Oh, this is so... This is such
a stitch up! I'm going...
- Is it upsetting you, Ulrika?
- It's REALLY upsetting me, I'm f...
Could you press Ulrika's buzzer,
just in the other side she doors it?
If you WERE a Gladiator, Ulrika,
would you be called 'Lightfinger'?
Or, 'The slow button presser'.
Now, can you...? Just behave for
a second, let Ulrika get this one?
- All right.
- Right. Go on.
I probably don't know the answer
to this one!
Oh, I think you will.
Who is the female presenter...
Shame on you, George Dawes!
Just out of time. What are
the scores, George Dawes?
Ulrika Jonsson's got 11,
and Mark Lamarr's the WINNER,
with 14 points!
Well done, Mark!
Well, you skillfully cracked back there,
from a remainal of certain doom, BUT...
...you ARE the winners. And sadly,
Team B are the losers.
But, nobody goes away from here
open handed,
as you've won tonight's consolation
price, which are these...
...beautiful Freddie Krueger style gloves!
Oh, yes, Gareth.
Your own Krueger style glove!
That's fantastic, thanks!
Now then, Mark Lamarr's team,
team A, the winners...
Team captain Mark Lamarr, will you
select somebody from your team
to come and join us up here
for the Spud gun Challenge?
What is... What's the Spud gun Challenge?
Well, basically, you, erm...
Get shot...
...on the backside by a spud gun.
So, I've got to pick who I wanna see
bent over, being shot up the arse?
Yes.
- Thank you!
- Norman.
It's me.
Norman! Come and join us
for the Spud gun Challenge!
Norman!
I'm SO glad it was YOU that was chosen(!).
Thank you(!)
Well, there's the 14 pounds you've won,
rounded up to 15 pounds.
Thank you very much.
Now, let me explain a few things
to you now, Norman,
about the Spud gun Challenge.
You've won quite a lot of money already,
that you just pocketed, there...
- ...but, it's to share amongst everyone.
- No.
No? Yes! Oh yes!
Yes, yes...
But, we're gonna give you the chance
to add 100 pounds
- to that already magnificent figure.
- Really?
- The 100 pounds are here, just behind you.
- Yeah?
Vic is gonna fire a potato gun...
...at your backside.
Now, on impact, should you flinch...
...you fail.
Remember that phrase,
should you flinch, you fail.
If, however, you maintain your
decor or grin, you win.
Take a position suitable for having your, er...
...potato introduced to you backs...
Who will be the arbiter of the flinch?
I will be the arbiter, I was going on
to explain, but I'll do it right now.
'Cause, if you bend down, Gareth...
- I'm gonna look at you...
- It's Norman.
Yeah, I'm okay! Yeah!
- YOU wanna have a go?
- Yeah!
Norman... I'm sorry. Norman.
With your lovely, cheeky smile.
Now, I'm here, which is quite near you,
I'm gonna examine your face,
and on impact, should you flinch,
I pinch...
...and take away potential
earnings for you.
Should you maintain your decorum,
that?s fine!
So Vic, perhaps you'd
like to take over, there?
Yes, I'd just like to make a point, now,
that I'm gonna be using this sort of spud gun.
And a spud gun IS a weapon, and if you ARE
gonna be using one of these at home,
please remember to wear goggles...
...whilst you're firing it, as I am now.
Now, that's very sensible.
So, I hope everyone's got that?
I'll be the arbiter, if you flinch,
I pinch, Norman!
- Okay.
- Okay! Is the spud gun loaded?
Check.
Is the material tightly stretched
across the backside?
Check.
Then, there's a Spud gun Challenge on!
Here we go!
Spud one!
That's fine.
Spud two!
There's a flinch!
Flinch! I've got to pinch, Gareth!
- Spud three!
- Norman!
That was fine!
- No, I pinched that!
- Yeah well, you got my name wrong!
Fine! That's fair enough.
What spud are you on?
Spud five. The final spud!
Oh, yes! That was the one!
I've got to pinch you 100 pounds!
Did it hit that spot?
- Gareth?
- Norman.
Well, there we are,
ladies and gentlemen.
Quite a lot of money exchanged hands,
quite a lot of spud,
impacted on human flesh.
That's 'Shooting Stars',
we'll see you again!