Shooting Stars (1993–2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
celebrity TV quiz, Shooting Stars!
And introducing Team A, please welcome
Shane Richie!
Cheese-faced, lidder-livet, spineless dork
Shane, absolutely worships puddings.
So much so, he's the new vicar at
St. Pecan in the pie,
where the congregation stands
with their bowls aloft,
chanting at Shane:
"Moooore custard, you creeeeeep!"
And joining Shane on Team A,
please welcome Caroline Hook!
Buxom, Maitremee, comedienne Caroline,
has a kind-of Uri Geller-style skill.
If she rubs her bosoms together,
a ghost appears out of her cleavage,
and Delford Dancer, the seven onions
on a tea towel
before popping a sixpence
into her hat.
And joining Shane and Caroline,
please welcome the captain of Team A,
mister Mark Lamarr!
And introducing Team B,
please welcome Simon Bates!
Gentle, ormolus, giant Simon, spends his
weekends lumbering around the kitchen,
crushing ants with his thumb.
When they're all gone, he stares out to
the window at his rotten paddling pool,
which reminds him of the days before
the ants came.
And joining Simon on Team B,
please welcome Danny Baker!
Tiny, dripping, sticky Danny, has spent his
life fighting a losing battle against sweat.
At his peak, he was producing an
average of 16 gallons an evening,
causing his neighbours to dab him:
Aqua-Dan, the sweating man.
He has, however, made his fortune
selling the stuff as 'Bakerlite',
the Greek morning drink.
And now, please welcome the captain
of Team B: Miss Ulrika Jonsson!
And finally, please welcome
your hosts for this evening:
Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!
Welcome to Shooting Stars!
Welcome whoever you are!
- The stars have been seated...
-...and successfully greeted.
So, come along, and let's start
Shooting Stars!
Yes!
Hello Caroline!
Sit yourself down, Vic.
Welcome to 'Shooting Stars', the celebrity
quiz, where we as these celebrities
questions about showbiz.
That's right! And tonight, I point out,
this before we carry on:
I am, in fact, a diarrhetic.
Mmmm. And, also, this evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
I must point out that I am egg-bound.
Yes, the combination of which...
...is potentially lethal!
We've got lovely Caroline Hook, there, and...
DON'T rub your legs!
- Don't worry, I'm not gonna.
- Okay.
And Shane Richie. Lovely, sprightly
looking team, over there.
- Thank you, Vic!
- And... Ulrika?
- Yeah?
- Right, well...
What's all this? You're as old as I am.
What's this gonna be?
The old team versus the new team?
- No, but you don't look good, Danny.
- What are you, in your 20's?
I don't think so!
I don't think so!
No, no, you're...
You're quite... 'Cause...
- No, Danny, Danny, Danny!
- Yeah?
Looks aren't everything, you've got
quite a bubbly personality under there.
And I've heard that Simon is
sensationally big!
Oh, he is.
- WHAT!?
- WHAT!?
I don't wanna go on about it,
but carry on.
That's a very small bed, Simon!
Especially with your very...
- How are you tonight, Caroline?
- DON'T rub on your legs!
- Vic!
- You look lovely, tonight.
You're just frightening Caroline!
It's like having a...
...sweaty long loaf rearing down at you.
No, it is, Danny!
It's like having Danny Baker,
rearing down on you!
- Oh, ho ho, it's war!
- Right, can we get on with it, please?
Of course we can. The rules are relatively
simple. There's open rounds, team rounds,
and individual rounds. And on those open
rounds: We REALLY wanna see those fingers!
- We REALLY wanna see those fingers!
- Let's see those fingers, Simon!
You have your finger, Caroline?
Let's see it.
With your reputation between
the sheets, Simon,
I suspect there's a spectacular forefinger.
There.
It IS true!
I did really wish that I hadn't said that.
- Right, well, before we...
- HEY, HEY!!! Before we forget!
Before we go on any further, let's meet
the man who keeps the scores:
It's George Dawes!
YEEEEESSSS!!! I've got a chocolate egg!
A chocolate egg, I've got!
- All right, George!
- On yer kit!
A chocolate egg, I've got!
George has got a chocolate egg.
It's a big day for him.
Now, the first round is 'True or false'.
True or false?
- Danny?
- Yes, yes.
D'you wanna say hello to your wife?
- Yes, sure, yeah!
- Well, go on. But don't be long.
Yes it is not so much a game show,
than more stooges in a sketch,
- that's what it is!
- Exactly!
- We're stooges in a sketch. That's...
- No, you're stodgy!
Which is a different concept, altogether.
Stodgies in a stew.
That's what we call this...
Right, let's crack on!
Yes, let's crack on.
- Simon?
- Oh, thank you, yes.
- Simon, Simon, Simon.
- It has to be me. Yeah.
We're all acutely aware of the need
to cook chicken properly.
Yes.
But, true or false, Sheryl Smith's
belt is eight foot long.
Sheryl Smith's belt is eight foot long?
False. It's larger.
It is false, but for the wrong reason.
The correct answer: It's only six foot.
Well done, Simon!
Well done, indeed. Caroline!
- True or false: Danny...
- Oh...
...is Sheryl Bakers' brother,
true or false?
- False.
- Every time, I appear anywhere...
- It IS false!
- It is false.
Who would have him as a brother?
- Danny, this is your question.
- OK.
True or false?
Jeffrey from Rainbow, now stacks
supermarket shelves.
It's false, because Jeffrey left
Rainbow, uhm, not amicably,
he left Rainbow... He didn't wanna
leave Rainbow, and he still owns...
- ...a Rainbow... Not THE Rainbow...
- What's this? A history of Rainbow?
Danny! It is TRUE.
- No, he doesn't!
- He DOES!
- He doesn't stack shelves!
- He bloody DOES!
It says here!!!
- LOOK! LOOK! Shane agrees!
- He does!
- He stacks shelves?!
- He DOES!
The authority that is Shane Richie!
- Shane?
- Hello.
True or false: Mark Lamarr was a guitarist
for 50's style skiffle band, The Polecats.
True or false?
Yeah, have a look at him,
it might bring back some memories.
I say: False.
- Nooooo!
- That's false.
What d'you mean "no"!?
It IS false!
Oh, no, it isn't.
- He can't shut up for TWO minutes, can he?
- No!
- Oh, we'll make him!
- Is it true or false?
- It's false.
- Of course, it's false.
- Yes, it's false. Well done.
- There we go! Hey!
Nice going!
U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-L-L-L-L-L-L-L...
-...RIK-A-A-A-A-A-A-A...
- KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA!
Famous dancer Nijinsky, was the inventor
of an ever-sharp pencil. True or false?
That's true!
- It is true!
- It IS true!
Isn't that fantastic? That's fantastic.
Can you believe it?
- Or false. Sorry.
- What?
- We where just getting on well.
- Yeah.
Something you're unfamiliar with.
- It's in the editing, just good editing.
- Ulrika? It's slipping a little...
What?
Tuck it in.
Nice one.
Mark Lamarr! You swine!
David Bellamy's beard hides a hideous
blemish in the shape of a carnival horse.
True or false?
True?
It's false!
- I suppose, it could be.
- As far as we know.
It's in the shape of a tiger!
There's a lovely thought, innit?
That's the end of the "True or False"
round, I think...
Yes! That's the end of the
"True or False" round,
so let's go straight over to
George Dawes, and say:
What are the scores, George Dawes?
Clickety-click! 21. Two fat ladies:
You and your mother!
And the scores are:
Both teams have got two points! Yeah!
Twoooooooo points!
U-U-U-U-U-L-L-LRIKA-KA-KA-KA-KA!
Ey! Oof! Can you do that?
No.
Can YOU do it, Ulrika?
- I can, actually.
- Go on, then!
- Oh!
- Easy...
Very good!
Another joke on your expense!
That brings us up to the next round:
The impressions round,
where Vic and I do impressions of popular
celebrities and we ask our guests,
to guess who it is we're doing.
Now, we're gonna be doing, now,
a television programme,
and we want YOU, and remember, it's
fingers on the buzzers,
- and we REALLY wanna see those fingers!
- We gonna see those fingers, Simon.
- We REALLY wanna see those fingers.
- We've gotta see those fingers.
We're gonna do a television programme now,
and you've gotta tell us which one it is.
Are you ready?
Off you go, then.
"I've tried, seem to have stood on the
grape bagger thing..."
"Ooooh! Calamity!"
Baker!
- All Gas and Gaiters.
- Well done!
Well done, Danny. Well done!
All Gas and Gaiters. Well, we had, erm...
Derek Nimmo, there!
And...
Could you name this character?
- Yeah, Robertson Hare.
- Robertson Hare, well done!
Did you have an idea, then?
- Should have go with it spitely...
- That's it.
Right, now we're gonna be doing...
...this takes us now to the
Club singer round,
and Bob is gonna be singing a song
in the club style.
All you've gotta do is guess what
that song is.
Here he is. George Dawes, take it away,
And here's Bob, sing it!
Yellow River!
- It is!
- Correct!
- Well done!
- I'd know that song anywhere!
And now... Let's hear how it should
sound, sung properly!
Isn't that a beautiful song?
Well, that's the end of OUR impressions,
so let's hand it over to the celebrities,
as we ask our random factor to lay,
where it will lay!
- Shane! Look 'em up!
- Naw, not me.
There you go, Baker!
- Baker!
- Oh, no!
All right. In difference to our
earlier question,
of which there is still some
contre temps, there's this:
"Oh, oh, you are very silly..."
Yeah, I know, that's...
- George.
- Thank you.
George!
No! Is that George? No, I was
doing Zippy, innit?
George.
George, yeah. I did it so I
don't have to do it again.
- I thought it was Bungle you made.
- No!
- You where doing Bungle.
- No, Zippy!
- No, Bungle has a very fay voice...
- Who cares!?
- I worked with Bungle.
- Oh, have either of you two, seen my...
"Oh, I saw it on Geoffrey's tacky shelf".
That's Zippy!
Not true!
You wouldn't know anyway, Georgie
the Veggie Boy is your area.
- Yes, you're right, that's George!
- It IS George.
- Three years ago...
- Zippy's the... Geoffrey...
That's the one!
"Oh, I don't wanna talk about it."
Pretty good.
Random light, pick out the shite.
Hook!
- Okay, I have gone dead shy tonight?
- You're all right, Caroline.
- Don't worry about it!
- It's a tough show to win.
- Oh, not the legs, Vic!
- DON'T YOU LEG OFF...
I'm sorry! Get back into your position!
What if anyone would find THAT attractive?
Well, SOME people do...
Vic stares into the mirror for hours,
watching himself.
Erm, it's one of my own, erm...
"Oh, Dom! Oh, don't be so silly, Margo!"
- That's fantastic!
- That was excellent!
- Wasn't that fantastic?
- That was brilliant!
Who the HELL was it?
- Not Penelope Slinger, is it?
- Felicity Kendal?
- Yes.
- Magnificent!
- Who's that?
- (I don't know.)
Right! Random factor, like a tractor,
weave your way through the...
- And now, it's you!
- How do you mean...?
- Have you got something?
- Oh, I'll have to think of something.
Will you stop interrupting!?
Why not cut it out, and go direct
to him, we know it's gonna happen!
- OKAY! Let's see who it is NOW!
- Sure, all right.
The big money's on Richie, ain't it?
Baker!
No!
- Don't mess with US, son!
- Come on!
Oh, like I've not been IN the show, yet?
- A ninety degrees, then.
- Another impression, erm... All right.
"Yeah well, when I was a young kid, man,
I used to be a mod, man."
"I used to wear a little pork pie hat, man.
Always greased bacon sandwiches, man."
- Richie.
- Paul Weller. Paul Weller.
- No, not Paul Weller.
- No.
"I used to... My dad was a working
class guy, like your dad..."
- Is it him?
- It's him!
- Is it him?
- Nope!
- His father?
- Why would it be me?
- Mia Farrow?
- No.
No, it's Neil Spencer. He used to be
the editor of NME, when I was there.
Oh, that's a good one, innit?
Every editorial: "Oh, man..."
That brings back such happy memories
for us all, Danny. Thank you.
HEY! Random factor,
move amongst these facades!
Richie!
Mark, can I just borrow your
glasses, just for a second?
- Yeah.
- It'll be one second, all right?
- They'll be full of oil.
- There...
All right.
Oh, you're there? All right, okay.
"Well, hee-hoo, and away we go!"
- Harry Gration.
- Harry Gration!
Of course, it is!
And it was magnificent!
- Very good!
- Fantastic. Thank you, Shane!
Well, that's half time. Vic?
So, I'm gonna have a snack,
I don't know what about you?
- I haven't got anything.
- Oh, shame.
Fair enough...
Haven't you brought anything with you?
- What have YOU got?
- I've got a...
A nice green salad with a cow pat...
Underneath.
Huh, how disappointing...
- What about YOU, Vic, have you got...
- No, I haven't got anything,
but I tell you what I HAVE got.
I've got, erm...
Mark Lamarr's diary, down in found unit.
Are there some 50's
throwback jokes on the way?
Hey, we'll see.
I don't know, I just found it while I was
rooting around under all those, erm...
Old hairpieces, and Eddie Cochrane
records, and that...
January 10th: "Woke up, temperature
in the 50's, hoorah!"
"Celebrated by dressing up
as Tommy Steele."
January 12th: "Had weekly supply
of ghee delivered."
- For your hair.
- Yeah, I know, yeah.
"Oh, when will this rationing end?"
What a lovely little window into
the 50's there, that's fantastic!
I don't know what YOU're laughing at,
Ulrika, I've got YOUR diary here!
I found it amongst the condoms
in your dressing room.
April 7th: "Gone up, 2 p.m., drunk.
Watched racing, went to pub, had a gallon,
taken home by Police again."
A typical entry from the illegal
immigrant, Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-kaaaa.
The next round is the all-important
Dove from Above-round.
So, let's beckon that dove, as it draws
itself near to us, behind here...
Can you help us, celebrities,
with a coo?
Come on, Simon!
- That beautiful, plump dove...
- The Dove from Above,
have you seen a dove like that before?
Now, you'll see, written on the side
of the Dove, categories of questions.
We want you to choose
one of those categories,
and we'll ask you a question, on it.
- Right?
- He's right.
Now, hidden behind ONE category,
is a very special price.
And if you should choose that
category, you'll hear THIS noise:
Eranu!
Now, if you should answer incorrectly,
you'll hear THIS noise:
Ovavu!
So, for the special price, it's...
Eranu!
And for an incorrect answer?
Ovavu!
Is that clear, everyone?
All clear.
Vic, I'm sure that... I know
what, erm... 'Eranu' represents.
Yes?
But, what as a word,
what does it actually mean?
Abuba!
And, what about 'Ovavu'?
Ababa!
Abuba, Ababa?
A nice, fresh banana!
That's fantastic!
Well, that's put me...
- That's put me right...
- You see the fun we have on this show?
Can you see the quality of the work?
- OK. I'm gonna as you, Danny...
- Yeah, oh...
- To choose a category.
- Drink.
'Drink', it shall be, then.
Danny? Can you name me
three celebrities,
whose name contain some sort of drink?
Oh, hmm, yes, such as Ice-T.
- Can I use Ice-T, or not?
- No, you can't.
- That was an example.
- All right. Uh, um, Jack Lemon.
- Oh, that's a good one!
- Wrong!
It's a... Well, it's a fruit,
I suppose, but it IS a drink.
Hey, it's not, though!
It's a fruit, not a drink.
A lemon?
No! You wouldn't go to a bar
and say: "Can I have a lemon?"
Mind you...
No, no, okay...
- How about a lemon drink?
- A lemon drink.
Any kind of lemon drink?
No, I'm sorry.
Ovavu!
- Exactly!
- Oh, no!
You could've had Johnny Walker...
Will Carling, Pepsi & Shirley,
Brandy...
- Brandy, or lemon...
- Karl Lagerfeld...
Anybody called Gordon, or in fact...
Campari. Our cloak room attendant, here.
- There he is!
- There he is.
Hello Campari!
There's Campari, there.
Right.
Okay, then. Shane Richie, pick a
category from the Dove from Above.
Shane, Shane, Shane, Shane...
Songs.
- Pardon?
- Songs.
'Songs', of course! Songs.
Shane? Which one of these song titles
is not genuine? Is NOT genuine?
1: When there's tears in the
eyes of a potato.
2: Kill a tree for Christ.
Or 3: I fell in love with
Annette Curtain.
Which one is it, Shane?
- Which one?
- Um...
- Why, they're all crazy!
- Which one was made up?
The second one.
'Kill a tree for Christ'?
I'm sorry, Ovavu!
- It's number three.
- You're correct, Danny!
'I fell in love with Annette Curtain'.
Of course.
That's a ridiculous title for a song!
How did the other two go?
Well, I'll leave that up to you.
Can you sing it in the Club Style?
Here it is: When there's tears in
the eyes of a potato!
And, go!
- There you go.
- That's the one!
That's the fella!
That's the one we've been
looking for all night!
The next choice belongs to YOU...
UUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLRIK-KA-KA-KA-KA!
Um...
'Brothers', please.
Brothers.
Which glam rocker, is the brother of
THIS star? Here you see a photograph.
Which glam rocker is the brother
of this star. DANNY!!!
Stop peeping!
- I'm saying 'lemon', once.
- You weren't,
you weren?t even looking at the monitor,
I saw where YOU where looking!
Brian...
...Conley.
Well, I'll reluctantly give you that.
Look at him! He's triumphant. He's all:
"Yeah! Got it right! Yeah!"
"Oh! I passed information! I imparted!"
Ask her what band Brian Conley was in!
- Sorry?
- What?
- Ask her what band Brian Conley was in!
- Yeah, shush!
What band was Brian Conley in, then?
S... S... Sweet?
- YEAH!!!
- The Swede?
It's her fault! That's what they
called them there!
He LOVES his Swede!
- Sweet!
- Well, we'll give her that point,
- but as Bob says: Reluctantly.
- Which Brian Conley?
- Eh?
- Which Brian Conley?
We're gonna see him now
on the screen. See this one?
There, he is!
They were brothers,
real life brothers.
- Mark Lamarr!
- Blues.
- Pardon?
- Blues.
'Blues'. Of, course you can
have 'Blues'. Why...
- What have you done with it?
- I'm sorry.
Blues.
Name three films that have a word...
The word 'blue' in them.
Sounds crazy, but it's a question!
- Blues Brothers.
- Blues Brothers, is one!
- Blue Hawaii.
- Blue Hawaii.
Er... Blue Monday.
- That's three films.
- Three. That's beautifully answered!
Clinically answered!
- And did he mention all 52?
- I don't think he did.
- Well done.
- You're bang up to date. Simon?
Thank you, er... 'Carpenters'
or 'Rangers'? Great. Erm...
Angels, please.
Eranu!
'Eranu' indeed, Mr. Bates!
Well done!
You have won tonight's Mystery Price!
That's right! Tonight, you've
won the mystery price.
Now, Simon. Do you like videos?
Yes?
D'you like video recorders,
all that stuff?
Yeah?
Well, tonight we've got a marvellous
price for you, tonight, because,
tonight, you're gonna meet,
Brian Gough, the manager of
Majestic Videos, from Hull!
Come on, Brian Gough!
- Hello! How are you?
- Good to meet you!
Danny? Brian.
Okay, no! He's NOT meeting Danny!
He's mee.. He's not meeting...
He's meeting YOU, Simon, sit down!
He was just meeting, not introduce
him to your friends, sit down.
- Ain't that a fantastic price?
- Yeah!
It's the stuff dreams are made of,
innit? Still dreaming about it.
- Simon! Pay attention!
- Simon, you've met him.
That's fine. That's done!
- Now, answer your question.
- I'm a bit excited.
You chose... You chose 'Angels'.
It's good to see you!
Thanks for being here.
- Simon?
- Hey! Pay attention!
In fact, THAT has upset me, so
I AM going to as you this question,
adopting the stance of...
Sandi Toksvig.
Oh! I'm a bit taller!
Name the three original actresses who
played the Angels in 'Charlie's Angels'.
It's always Bryan Ferry, what?
Oh, God, who... Um... Oh, erm...
A terribly hard question!
- Jack... Erm...
- Farraw Fawcett.
- Farraw Fawcett-Majors.
- One!
Um, Jaclyn something, or rather,
was the other one.
- Can't accept it.
- Yes you can.
- I can't.
- Yes you can, Sandi!
Sandi! You can accept it!
Ovavu!
- Saturday morning...
- No! If you're gonna get...
Sheryl Baker.
It WAS Sheryl Baker, wasn't it?
I... I wouldn't know.
- Um, all right...
- Stop! Oh, sorry.
The original one's
Farraw Fawcett-Majors.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Er, Jaclyn Smith...
- Yes.
...and Kate Jackson.
- Well done!
- It's the correct answer!
- Is he bothering you, Simon?
- I like him there.
Off you go. Brian!
Off you go, Brian. Thank you.
- Is he going?
- Yeah.
Majestic Videos in Hull.
Right...
Er, Caroline, could you pick
a category, please?
Er, oh... Carpenter.
- Carpenter? Good choice!
- Thanks.
A very nice choice.
'Carpenter'. Which instrument
did Karen Carpenter,
of the brother and sister duo
'The Carpenters', actually play!?
- Erm... Drums.
- Nope.
- Correct!
- Correct answer, Caroline!
She WAS a drummer! That brings us to
the end of the 'Dove from Above' round,
so, let's ask George:
'What are the scores?'
And the scores are...
Mark Lamarr's got 7,
and Ulrika Jonsson's got 8.
I like what I hear!
What in the HELL was that, Ulrika!?
I believe it's the wigs to be, again!
- I think she needs to tighten...
- Right. Well done now, to the...
Because it's the final quick fire round.
We're against the clock, we don't
know how much time we've got,
but when the time's up,
you'll hear this noise:
Language, Timothy!
It's finger's on buzzers, and we
REALLY wanna see those fingers!
We're desperate to see those fingers!
Okay, question number one:
In which program does Statto appear?
Lamarr.
- Fantasy Football.
- Correct.
Name the third film in
the Star Wars trilogy.
Richie.
Return of the Jedi.
- Nice one!
- Correct.
"Ain't no doubt" was a number on hit
in 1992 for which Geordie actor?
Richie.
Jimmy Nail.
- Correct.
- Correct answer.
Which of the Marx brothers
played the harp?
Jonsson.
Harpo.
Nice one, Jonsson.
No, that's the one.
Who presents 'The Weekend Show'
with the help of Daley Thompson
and Liza Tarbuck?
Hook.
- Dale Winton.
- Correct.
Damn you!
Damn you, Dale Winton!
Who presents 'The Good Sex Guide'?
Margi Clarke.
- Or Maggi Clarke, but she doesn't...
- No, sorry!
- She doesn't any more...
- No, sorry,
it's Simon Bates every night in
his own bed!
- Of course, it's Margi Clarke!
- That's correct.
Can you name me,
a junction on the M1?
- Baker.
- 9.
- No, it's number 10.
- Oh!
You where SO close!
He's SO not close!
Okay, Ulrika! Don't panic!
Who goes where for their holidays?
Language, Timothy!
Oh! Out of time!
We're out of time!
What are the final scores, George Dawes?
'Ello, my friends! And the final
winners this week...
Is Ulrika Jonsson with 13 POINTS!!!
Yay!
U-U-U-U-U-U-L-L-L-L-L-L-L...
...RI-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA!!!
- Well...
- Well!
Mark! Mark.
Poor, sad, lonely 50's, Mark.
I'm afraid you've lost once again,
but you know,
you don't go away open handed
from THIS quiz. No.
Because, tonight, you've won the
consolation price,
and it's THIS, magnificent
Anne Boleyn style, extra finger.
Oh yeah! And you've all got one!
It's not just one, no!
There's three! You've all got one!
Now, you can be a member of
the Royalty, every day of the week,
and not just Sunday!
They look gorgeous! Ulrika!
You've won. And that gives you the
right to choose one on your team
to come and join me, and take
'The pastille challenge'.
WHO'S it gonna be?
It's gonna be...
- Danny.
- Danny.
Danny!
Come and join me, Danny!
Come and join me, Danny.
Out, he comes!
Danny. Now, if you'd like to
come through with me,
we'll probably, just round this corner,
see my colleague, Mr. Vic Reeves.
- Hello there, Danny!
- Hello, there.
- Nice to see you!
- Danny, Danny.
- Oh, okay.
- Nice to see you, again.
I'd like to position you there, Danny.
Right, Danny. You're gonna be taking
'The Fruit pastille Challenge'.
Now, what I'm gonna do, is put this
fruit pastille, here...
- Down on the floor, there.
- That's right.
I don't think you'd see that, there.
And we want you to get down
on top of that...
And we're gonna try to get it out,
with these brooms.
That's right.
Danny? You've got 20 seconds,
with which you've got to stop us
getting that pastille, with our brooms.
Now, we're not experts at this,
but we recommend
you try and get it in your bellybutton.
- Really?!
- It might help.
I'm just gonna point out the...
The pastille there, for Mr. Baker.
See it? There it is.
Now, you've got 20 seconds.
Now, should you stop us,
from pulling that pastille out from
beneath your ample gut...
Yeah?
- THEN, you win 50 pounds!
- Okay.
So, okay, Danny?
If you DON'T do it,
you give US 50 quid.
Yeah, that'll be all right!
Down you go, Danny!
Conceal that pastille...
On the pastille!
I can do it any way I want?
Conceal... No, on ye belly.
- All right, then.
- Conceal the pastille.
- Is he on?
- Are you ready, Danny?
Can we have 20 seconds on that clock?
And, we're off!
- Come on, lever it!
- Lever it!
- Lever it!
- NO!
- Get it in the back!
- Turn him over!
NO!
Get down!
Argh! I bent my bloody broom!
Oh, he done it, Danny!
He concealed the pastille!
That's 50 pounds!
- Come and join us!
- Well done, Danny!
Fantastic!
Goodbye, from Shooting Stars,
goodbye, whoever you are...
celebrity TV quiz, Shooting Stars!
And introducing Team A, please welcome
Shane Richie!
Cheese-faced, lidder-livet, spineless dork
Shane, absolutely worships puddings.
So much so, he's the new vicar at
St. Pecan in the pie,
where the congregation stands
with their bowls aloft,
chanting at Shane:
"Moooore custard, you creeeeeep!"
And joining Shane on Team A,
please welcome Caroline Hook!
Buxom, Maitremee, comedienne Caroline,
has a kind-of Uri Geller-style skill.
If she rubs her bosoms together,
a ghost appears out of her cleavage,
and Delford Dancer, the seven onions
on a tea towel
before popping a sixpence
into her hat.
And joining Shane and Caroline,
please welcome the captain of Team A,
mister Mark Lamarr!
And introducing Team B,
please welcome Simon Bates!
Gentle, ormolus, giant Simon, spends his
weekends lumbering around the kitchen,
crushing ants with his thumb.
When they're all gone, he stares out to
the window at his rotten paddling pool,
which reminds him of the days before
the ants came.
And joining Simon on Team B,
please welcome Danny Baker!
Tiny, dripping, sticky Danny, has spent his
life fighting a losing battle against sweat.
At his peak, he was producing an
average of 16 gallons an evening,
causing his neighbours to dab him:
Aqua-Dan, the sweating man.
He has, however, made his fortune
selling the stuff as 'Bakerlite',
the Greek morning drink.
And now, please welcome the captain
of Team B: Miss Ulrika Jonsson!
And finally, please welcome
your hosts for this evening:
Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!
Welcome to Shooting Stars!
Welcome whoever you are!
- The stars have been seated...
-...and successfully greeted.
So, come along, and let's start
Shooting Stars!
Yes!
Hello Caroline!
Sit yourself down, Vic.
Welcome to 'Shooting Stars', the celebrity
quiz, where we as these celebrities
questions about showbiz.
That's right! And tonight, I point out,
this before we carry on:
I am, in fact, a diarrhetic.
Mmmm. And, also, this evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
I must point out that I am egg-bound.
Yes, the combination of which...
...is potentially lethal!
We've got lovely Caroline Hook, there, and...
DON'T rub your legs!
- Don't worry, I'm not gonna.
- Okay.
And Shane Richie. Lovely, sprightly
looking team, over there.
- Thank you, Vic!
- And... Ulrika?
- Yeah?
- Right, well...
What's all this? You're as old as I am.
What's this gonna be?
The old team versus the new team?
- No, but you don't look good, Danny.
- What are you, in your 20's?
I don't think so!
I don't think so!
No, no, you're...
You're quite... 'Cause...
- No, Danny, Danny, Danny!
- Yeah?
Looks aren't everything, you've got
quite a bubbly personality under there.
And I've heard that Simon is
sensationally big!
Oh, he is.
- WHAT!?
- WHAT!?
I don't wanna go on about it,
but carry on.
That's a very small bed, Simon!
Especially with your very...
- How are you tonight, Caroline?
- DON'T rub on your legs!
- Vic!
- You look lovely, tonight.
You're just frightening Caroline!
It's like having a...
...sweaty long loaf rearing down at you.
No, it is, Danny!
It's like having Danny Baker,
rearing down on you!
- Oh, ho ho, it's war!
- Right, can we get on with it, please?
Of course we can. The rules are relatively
simple. There's open rounds, team rounds,
and individual rounds. And on those open
rounds: We REALLY wanna see those fingers!
- We REALLY wanna see those fingers!
- Let's see those fingers, Simon!
You have your finger, Caroline?
Let's see it.
With your reputation between
the sheets, Simon,
I suspect there's a spectacular forefinger.
There.
It IS true!
I did really wish that I hadn't said that.
- Right, well, before we...
- HEY, HEY!!! Before we forget!
Before we go on any further, let's meet
the man who keeps the scores:
It's George Dawes!
YEEEEESSSS!!! I've got a chocolate egg!
A chocolate egg, I've got!
- All right, George!
- On yer kit!
A chocolate egg, I've got!
George has got a chocolate egg.
It's a big day for him.
Now, the first round is 'True or false'.
True or false?
- Danny?
- Yes, yes.
D'you wanna say hello to your wife?
- Yes, sure, yeah!
- Well, go on. But don't be long.
Yes it is not so much a game show,
than more stooges in a sketch,
- that's what it is!
- Exactly!
- We're stooges in a sketch. That's...
- No, you're stodgy!
Which is a different concept, altogether.
Stodgies in a stew.
That's what we call this...
Right, let's crack on!
Yes, let's crack on.
- Simon?
- Oh, thank you, yes.
- Simon, Simon, Simon.
- It has to be me. Yeah.
We're all acutely aware of the need
to cook chicken properly.
Yes.
But, true or false, Sheryl Smith's
belt is eight foot long.
Sheryl Smith's belt is eight foot long?
False. It's larger.
It is false, but for the wrong reason.
The correct answer: It's only six foot.
Well done, Simon!
Well done, indeed. Caroline!
- True or false: Danny...
- Oh...
...is Sheryl Bakers' brother,
true or false?
- False.
- Every time, I appear anywhere...
- It IS false!
- It is false.
Who would have him as a brother?
- Danny, this is your question.
- OK.
True or false?
Jeffrey from Rainbow, now stacks
supermarket shelves.
It's false, because Jeffrey left
Rainbow, uhm, not amicably,
he left Rainbow... He didn't wanna
leave Rainbow, and he still owns...
- ...a Rainbow... Not THE Rainbow...
- What's this? A history of Rainbow?
Danny! It is TRUE.
- No, he doesn't!
- He DOES!
- He doesn't stack shelves!
- He bloody DOES!
It says here!!!
- LOOK! LOOK! Shane agrees!
- He does!
- He stacks shelves?!
- He DOES!
The authority that is Shane Richie!
- Shane?
- Hello.
True or false: Mark Lamarr was a guitarist
for 50's style skiffle band, The Polecats.
True or false?
Yeah, have a look at him,
it might bring back some memories.
I say: False.
- Nooooo!
- That's false.
What d'you mean "no"!?
It IS false!
Oh, no, it isn't.
- He can't shut up for TWO minutes, can he?
- No!
- Oh, we'll make him!
- Is it true or false?
- It's false.
- Of course, it's false.
- Yes, it's false. Well done.
- There we go! Hey!
Nice going!
U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-L-L-L-L-L-L-L...
-...RIK-A-A-A-A-A-A-A...
- KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA!
Famous dancer Nijinsky, was the inventor
of an ever-sharp pencil. True or false?
That's true!
- It is true!
- It IS true!
Isn't that fantastic? That's fantastic.
Can you believe it?
- Or false. Sorry.
- What?
- We where just getting on well.
- Yeah.
Something you're unfamiliar with.
- It's in the editing, just good editing.
- Ulrika? It's slipping a little...
What?
Tuck it in.
Nice one.
Mark Lamarr! You swine!
David Bellamy's beard hides a hideous
blemish in the shape of a carnival horse.
True or false?
True?
It's false!
- I suppose, it could be.
- As far as we know.
It's in the shape of a tiger!
There's a lovely thought, innit?
That's the end of the "True or False"
round, I think...
Yes! That's the end of the
"True or False" round,
so let's go straight over to
George Dawes, and say:
What are the scores, George Dawes?
Clickety-click! 21. Two fat ladies:
You and your mother!
And the scores are:
Both teams have got two points! Yeah!
Twoooooooo points!
U-U-U-U-U-L-L-LRIKA-KA-KA-KA-KA!
Ey! Oof! Can you do that?
No.
Can YOU do it, Ulrika?
- I can, actually.
- Go on, then!
- Oh!
- Easy...
Very good!
Another joke on your expense!
That brings us up to the next round:
The impressions round,
where Vic and I do impressions of popular
celebrities and we ask our guests,
to guess who it is we're doing.
Now, we're gonna be doing, now,
a television programme,
and we want YOU, and remember, it's
fingers on the buzzers,
- and we REALLY wanna see those fingers!
- We gonna see those fingers, Simon.
- We REALLY wanna see those fingers.
- We've gotta see those fingers.
We're gonna do a television programme now,
and you've gotta tell us which one it is.
Are you ready?
Off you go, then.
"I've tried, seem to have stood on the
grape bagger thing..."
"Ooooh! Calamity!"
Baker!
- All Gas and Gaiters.
- Well done!
Well done, Danny. Well done!
All Gas and Gaiters. Well, we had, erm...
Derek Nimmo, there!
And...
Could you name this character?
- Yeah, Robertson Hare.
- Robertson Hare, well done!
Did you have an idea, then?
- Should have go with it spitely...
- That's it.
Right, now we're gonna be doing...
...this takes us now to the
Club singer round,
and Bob is gonna be singing a song
in the club style.
All you've gotta do is guess what
that song is.
Here he is. George Dawes, take it away,
And here's Bob, sing it!
Yellow River!
- It is!
- Correct!
- Well done!
- I'd know that song anywhere!
And now... Let's hear how it should
sound, sung properly!
Isn't that a beautiful song?
Well, that's the end of OUR impressions,
so let's hand it over to the celebrities,
as we ask our random factor to lay,
where it will lay!
- Shane! Look 'em up!
- Naw, not me.
There you go, Baker!
- Baker!
- Oh, no!
All right. In difference to our
earlier question,
of which there is still some
contre temps, there's this:
"Oh, oh, you are very silly..."
Yeah, I know, that's...
- George.
- Thank you.
George!
No! Is that George? No, I was
doing Zippy, innit?
George.
George, yeah. I did it so I
don't have to do it again.
- I thought it was Bungle you made.
- No!
- You where doing Bungle.
- No, Zippy!
- No, Bungle has a very fay voice...
- Who cares!?
- I worked with Bungle.
- Oh, have either of you two, seen my...
"Oh, I saw it on Geoffrey's tacky shelf".
That's Zippy!
Not true!
You wouldn't know anyway, Georgie
the Veggie Boy is your area.
- Yes, you're right, that's George!
- It IS George.
- Three years ago...
- Zippy's the... Geoffrey...
That's the one!
"Oh, I don't wanna talk about it."
Pretty good.
Random light, pick out the shite.
Hook!
- Okay, I have gone dead shy tonight?
- You're all right, Caroline.
- Don't worry about it!
- It's a tough show to win.
- Oh, not the legs, Vic!
- DON'T YOU LEG OFF...
I'm sorry! Get back into your position!
What if anyone would find THAT attractive?
Well, SOME people do...
Vic stares into the mirror for hours,
watching himself.
Erm, it's one of my own, erm...
"Oh, Dom! Oh, don't be so silly, Margo!"
- That's fantastic!
- That was excellent!
- Wasn't that fantastic?
- That was brilliant!
Who the HELL was it?
- Not Penelope Slinger, is it?
- Felicity Kendal?
- Yes.
- Magnificent!
- Who's that?
- (I don't know.)
Right! Random factor, like a tractor,
weave your way through the...
- And now, it's you!
- How do you mean...?
- Have you got something?
- Oh, I'll have to think of something.
Will you stop interrupting!?
Why not cut it out, and go direct
to him, we know it's gonna happen!
- OKAY! Let's see who it is NOW!
- Sure, all right.
The big money's on Richie, ain't it?
Baker!
No!
- Don't mess with US, son!
- Come on!
Oh, like I've not been IN the show, yet?
- A ninety degrees, then.
- Another impression, erm... All right.
"Yeah well, when I was a young kid, man,
I used to be a mod, man."
"I used to wear a little pork pie hat, man.
Always greased bacon sandwiches, man."
- Richie.
- Paul Weller. Paul Weller.
- No, not Paul Weller.
- No.
"I used to... My dad was a working
class guy, like your dad..."
- Is it him?
- It's him!
- Is it him?
- Nope!
- His father?
- Why would it be me?
- Mia Farrow?
- No.
No, it's Neil Spencer. He used to be
the editor of NME, when I was there.
Oh, that's a good one, innit?
Every editorial: "Oh, man..."
That brings back such happy memories
for us all, Danny. Thank you.
HEY! Random factor,
move amongst these facades!
Richie!
Mark, can I just borrow your
glasses, just for a second?
- Yeah.
- It'll be one second, all right?
- They'll be full of oil.
- There...
All right.
Oh, you're there? All right, okay.
"Well, hee-hoo, and away we go!"
- Harry Gration.
- Harry Gration!
Of course, it is!
And it was magnificent!
- Very good!
- Fantastic. Thank you, Shane!
Well, that's half time. Vic?
So, I'm gonna have a snack,
I don't know what about you?
- I haven't got anything.
- Oh, shame.
Fair enough...
Haven't you brought anything with you?
- What have YOU got?
- I've got a...
A nice green salad with a cow pat...
Underneath.
Huh, how disappointing...
- What about YOU, Vic, have you got...
- No, I haven't got anything,
but I tell you what I HAVE got.
I've got, erm...
Mark Lamarr's diary, down in found unit.
Are there some 50's
throwback jokes on the way?
Hey, we'll see.
I don't know, I just found it while I was
rooting around under all those, erm...
Old hairpieces, and Eddie Cochrane
records, and that...
January 10th: "Woke up, temperature
in the 50's, hoorah!"
"Celebrated by dressing up
as Tommy Steele."
January 12th: "Had weekly supply
of ghee delivered."
- For your hair.
- Yeah, I know, yeah.
"Oh, when will this rationing end?"
What a lovely little window into
the 50's there, that's fantastic!
I don't know what YOU're laughing at,
Ulrika, I've got YOUR diary here!
I found it amongst the condoms
in your dressing room.
April 7th: "Gone up, 2 p.m., drunk.
Watched racing, went to pub, had a gallon,
taken home by Police again."
A typical entry from the illegal
immigrant, Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-kaaaa.
The next round is the all-important
Dove from Above-round.
So, let's beckon that dove, as it draws
itself near to us, behind here...
Can you help us, celebrities,
with a coo?
Come on, Simon!
- That beautiful, plump dove...
- The Dove from Above,
have you seen a dove like that before?
Now, you'll see, written on the side
of the Dove, categories of questions.
We want you to choose
one of those categories,
and we'll ask you a question, on it.
- Right?
- He's right.
Now, hidden behind ONE category,
is a very special price.
And if you should choose that
category, you'll hear THIS noise:
Eranu!
Now, if you should answer incorrectly,
you'll hear THIS noise:
Ovavu!
So, for the special price, it's...
Eranu!
And for an incorrect answer?
Ovavu!
Is that clear, everyone?
All clear.
Vic, I'm sure that... I know
what, erm... 'Eranu' represents.
Yes?
But, what as a word,
what does it actually mean?
Abuba!
And, what about 'Ovavu'?
Ababa!
Abuba, Ababa?
A nice, fresh banana!
That's fantastic!
Well, that's put me...
- That's put me right...
- You see the fun we have on this show?
Can you see the quality of the work?
- OK. I'm gonna as you, Danny...
- Yeah, oh...
- To choose a category.
- Drink.
'Drink', it shall be, then.
Danny? Can you name me
three celebrities,
whose name contain some sort of drink?
Oh, hmm, yes, such as Ice-T.
- Can I use Ice-T, or not?
- No, you can't.
- That was an example.
- All right. Uh, um, Jack Lemon.
- Oh, that's a good one!
- Wrong!
It's a... Well, it's a fruit,
I suppose, but it IS a drink.
Hey, it's not, though!
It's a fruit, not a drink.
A lemon?
No! You wouldn't go to a bar
and say: "Can I have a lemon?"
Mind you...
No, no, okay...
- How about a lemon drink?
- A lemon drink.
Any kind of lemon drink?
No, I'm sorry.
Ovavu!
- Exactly!
- Oh, no!
You could've had Johnny Walker...
Will Carling, Pepsi & Shirley,
Brandy...
- Brandy, or lemon...
- Karl Lagerfeld...
Anybody called Gordon, or in fact...
Campari. Our cloak room attendant, here.
- There he is!
- There he is.
Hello Campari!
There's Campari, there.
Right.
Okay, then. Shane Richie, pick a
category from the Dove from Above.
Shane, Shane, Shane, Shane...
Songs.
- Pardon?
- Songs.
'Songs', of course! Songs.
Shane? Which one of these song titles
is not genuine? Is NOT genuine?
1: When there's tears in the
eyes of a potato.
2: Kill a tree for Christ.
Or 3: I fell in love with
Annette Curtain.
Which one is it, Shane?
- Which one?
- Um...
- Why, they're all crazy!
- Which one was made up?
The second one.
'Kill a tree for Christ'?
I'm sorry, Ovavu!
- It's number three.
- You're correct, Danny!
'I fell in love with Annette Curtain'.
Of course.
That's a ridiculous title for a song!
How did the other two go?
Well, I'll leave that up to you.
Can you sing it in the Club Style?
Here it is: When there's tears in
the eyes of a potato!
And, go!
- There you go.
- That's the one!
That's the fella!
That's the one we've been
looking for all night!
The next choice belongs to YOU...
UUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLRIK-KA-KA-KA-KA!
Um...
'Brothers', please.
Brothers.
Which glam rocker, is the brother of
THIS star? Here you see a photograph.
Which glam rocker is the brother
of this star. DANNY!!!
Stop peeping!
- I'm saying 'lemon', once.
- You weren't,
you weren?t even looking at the monitor,
I saw where YOU where looking!
Brian...
...Conley.
Well, I'll reluctantly give you that.
Look at him! He's triumphant. He's all:
"Yeah! Got it right! Yeah!"
"Oh! I passed information! I imparted!"
Ask her what band Brian Conley was in!
- Sorry?
- What?
- Ask her what band Brian Conley was in!
- Yeah, shush!
What band was Brian Conley in, then?
S... S... Sweet?
- YEAH!!!
- The Swede?
It's her fault! That's what they
called them there!
He LOVES his Swede!
- Sweet!
- Well, we'll give her that point,
- but as Bob says: Reluctantly.
- Which Brian Conley?
- Eh?
- Which Brian Conley?
We're gonna see him now
on the screen. See this one?
There, he is!
They were brothers,
real life brothers.
- Mark Lamarr!
- Blues.
- Pardon?
- Blues.
'Blues'. Of, course you can
have 'Blues'. Why...
- What have you done with it?
- I'm sorry.
Blues.
Name three films that have a word...
The word 'blue' in them.
Sounds crazy, but it's a question!
- Blues Brothers.
- Blues Brothers, is one!
- Blue Hawaii.
- Blue Hawaii.
Er... Blue Monday.
- That's three films.
- Three. That's beautifully answered!
Clinically answered!
- And did he mention all 52?
- I don't think he did.
- Well done.
- You're bang up to date. Simon?
Thank you, er... 'Carpenters'
or 'Rangers'? Great. Erm...
Angels, please.
Eranu!
'Eranu' indeed, Mr. Bates!
Well done!
You have won tonight's Mystery Price!
That's right! Tonight, you've
won the mystery price.
Now, Simon. Do you like videos?
Yes?
D'you like video recorders,
all that stuff?
Yeah?
Well, tonight we've got a marvellous
price for you, tonight, because,
tonight, you're gonna meet,
Brian Gough, the manager of
Majestic Videos, from Hull!
Come on, Brian Gough!
- Hello! How are you?
- Good to meet you!
Danny? Brian.
Okay, no! He's NOT meeting Danny!
He's mee.. He's not meeting...
He's meeting YOU, Simon, sit down!
He was just meeting, not introduce
him to your friends, sit down.
- Ain't that a fantastic price?
- Yeah!
It's the stuff dreams are made of,
innit? Still dreaming about it.
- Simon! Pay attention!
- Simon, you've met him.
That's fine. That's done!
- Now, answer your question.
- I'm a bit excited.
You chose... You chose 'Angels'.
It's good to see you!
Thanks for being here.
- Simon?
- Hey! Pay attention!
In fact, THAT has upset me, so
I AM going to as you this question,
adopting the stance of...
Sandi Toksvig.
Oh! I'm a bit taller!
Name the three original actresses who
played the Angels in 'Charlie's Angels'.
It's always Bryan Ferry, what?
Oh, God, who... Um... Oh, erm...
A terribly hard question!
- Jack... Erm...
- Farraw Fawcett.
- Farraw Fawcett-Majors.
- One!
Um, Jaclyn something, or rather,
was the other one.
- Can't accept it.
- Yes you can.
- I can't.
- Yes you can, Sandi!
Sandi! You can accept it!
Ovavu!
- Saturday morning...
- No! If you're gonna get...
Sheryl Baker.
It WAS Sheryl Baker, wasn't it?
I... I wouldn't know.
- Um, all right...
- Stop! Oh, sorry.
The original one's
Farraw Fawcett-Majors.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Er, Jaclyn Smith...
- Yes.
...and Kate Jackson.
- Well done!
- It's the correct answer!
- Is he bothering you, Simon?
- I like him there.
Off you go. Brian!
Off you go, Brian. Thank you.
- Is he going?
- Yeah.
Majestic Videos in Hull.
Right...
Er, Caroline, could you pick
a category, please?
Er, oh... Carpenter.
- Carpenter? Good choice!
- Thanks.
A very nice choice.
'Carpenter'. Which instrument
did Karen Carpenter,
of the brother and sister duo
'The Carpenters', actually play!?
- Erm... Drums.
- Nope.
- Correct!
- Correct answer, Caroline!
She WAS a drummer! That brings us to
the end of the 'Dove from Above' round,
so, let's ask George:
'What are the scores?'
And the scores are...
Mark Lamarr's got 7,
and Ulrika Jonsson's got 8.
I like what I hear!
What in the HELL was that, Ulrika!?
I believe it's the wigs to be, again!
- I think she needs to tighten...
- Right. Well done now, to the...
Because it's the final quick fire round.
We're against the clock, we don't
know how much time we've got,
but when the time's up,
you'll hear this noise:
Language, Timothy!
It's finger's on buzzers, and we
REALLY wanna see those fingers!
We're desperate to see those fingers!
Okay, question number one:
In which program does Statto appear?
Lamarr.
- Fantasy Football.
- Correct.
Name the third film in
the Star Wars trilogy.
Richie.
Return of the Jedi.
- Nice one!
- Correct.
"Ain't no doubt" was a number on hit
in 1992 for which Geordie actor?
Richie.
Jimmy Nail.
- Correct.
- Correct answer.
Which of the Marx brothers
played the harp?
Jonsson.
Harpo.
Nice one, Jonsson.
No, that's the one.
Who presents 'The Weekend Show'
with the help of Daley Thompson
and Liza Tarbuck?
Hook.
- Dale Winton.
- Correct.
Damn you!
Damn you, Dale Winton!
Who presents 'The Good Sex Guide'?
Margi Clarke.
- Or Maggi Clarke, but she doesn't...
- No, sorry!
- She doesn't any more...
- No, sorry,
it's Simon Bates every night in
his own bed!
- Of course, it's Margi Clarke!
- That's correct.
Can you name me,
a junction on the M1?
- Baker.
- 9.
- No, it's number 10.
- Oh!
You where SO close!
He's SO not close!
Okay, Ulrika! Don't panic!
Who goes where for their holidays?
Language, Timothy!
Oh! Out of time!
We're out of time!
What are the final scores, George Dawes?
'Ello, my friends! And the final
winners this week...
Is Ulrika Jonsson with 13 POINTS!!!
Yay!
U-U-U-U-U-U-L-L-L-L-L-L-L...
...RI-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA!!!
- Well...
- Well!
Mark! Mark.
Poor, sad, lonely 50's, Mark.
I'm afraid you've lost once again,
but you know,
you don't go away open handed
from THIS quiz. No.
Because, tonight, you've won the
consolation price,
and it's THIS, magnificent
Anne Boleyn style, extra finger.
Oh yeah! And you've all got one!
It's not just one, no!
There's three! You've all got one!
Now, you can be a member of
the Royalty, every day of the week,
and not just Sunday!
They look gorgeous! Ulrika!
You've won. And that gives you the
right to choose one on your team
to come and join me, and take
'The pastille challenge'.
WHO'S it gonna be?
It's gonna be...
- Danny.
- Danny.
Danny!
Come and join me, Danny!
Come and join me, Danny.
Out, he comes!
Danny. Now, if you'd like to
come through with me,
we'll probably, just round this corner,
see my colleague, Mr. Vic Reeves.
- Hello there, Danny!
- Hello, there.
- Nice to see you!
- Danny, Danny.
- Oh, okay.
- Nice to see you, again.
I'd like to position you there, Danny.
Right, Danny. You're gonna be taking
'The Fruit pastille Challenge'.
Now, what I'm gonna do, is put this
fruit pastille, here...
- Down on the floor, there.
- That's right.
I don't think you'd see that, there.
And we want you to get down
on top of that...
And we're gonna try to get it out,
with these brooms.
That's right.
Danny? You've got 20 seconds,
with which you've got to stop us
getting that pastille, with our brooms.
Now, we're not experts at this,
but we recommend
you try and get it in your bellybutton.
- Really?!
- It might help.
I'm just gonna point out the...
The pastille there, for Mr. Baker.
See it? There it is.
Now, you've got 20 seconds.
Now, should you stop us,
from pulling that pastille out from
beneath your ample gut...
Yeah?
- THEN, you win 50 pounds!
- Okay.
So, okay, Danny?
If you DON'T do it,
you give US 50 quid.
Yeah, that'll be all right!
Down you go, Danny!
Conceal that pastille...
On the pastille!
I can do it any way I want?
Conceal... No, on ye belly.
- All right, then.
- Conceal the pastille.
- Is he on?
- Are you ready, Danny?
Can we have 20 seconds on that clock?
And, we're off!
- Come on, lever it!
- Lever it!
- Lever it!
- NO!
- Get it in the back!
- Turn him over!
NO!
Get down!
Argh! I bent my bloody broom!
Oh, he done it, Danny!
He concealed the pastille!
That's 50 pounds!
- Come and join us!
- Well done, Danny!
Fantastic!
Goodbye, from Shooting Stars,
goodbye, whoever you are...