Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 15, Episode 2 - Episode #15.2 - full transcript

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(WACKY THEME MUSIC)

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Well, well, well!

Well, yesterday was the start
of a new parliamentary term,

and like any voter,
there was a tear in my eye

watching my government
start its first day.

And quite a few tears today after
the inflation figure was announced.

(LAUGHTER)



The, uh... Thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

Jim Chalmers is giving

his state-of-the-economy address
tomorrow,

and it shouldn't take him long,
because there isn't one.

But this will leave more time for
Labor to deal with its big issues -

aged care reform,
jobs and skills training,

legislating the 2030
climate change target,

and most importantly of all,

getting used to the new
seating arrangements.

It must be hard after nine years
suddenly being over there

having to face the other way.

I mean, you reach
for your glass of water

and go, "Oh, no, it's over there
now, isn't it?"



The speaker's up there
instead of up there.

And, "Why are there no
time-wasting Dorothy Dixers?

"Oh, that's right, WE'RE supposed to
be asking them now."

(LAUGHTER)

But there was one thing
that kind of spoiled it all for me.

But I don't want to start bagging
the former prime minister...

Unless you want me to!

(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Whoa!

OK.

OK, well, apparently on election
day, I don't know if you heard this,

I don't think it was in the papers
or on the TV news,

but the former prime minister -
Scott Morrison -

pressured Border Force officials

to announce the interception
of an asylum seeker boat.

Now, I was shocked
when I heard that.

I've been doing this show a long
time now, and I would have thought

that sort of cynical politicisation
of our national security

would be the last thing
Scott Morrison would do

as leader of this country.

(LAUGHTER)

You're way ahead of me.
(LAUGHTER)

As it turned out, it was.

You know something? I'm glad
we got rid of that bobble-head.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, I completely understand

why the average person
these days says...

We don't trust in governments.

(LAUGHTER)
Why should we?

And by the way, good on
Scott Morrison there for saying it.

A round of applause, I think,
for Scott.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

He can't hear it anyway.
He's not here.

(LAUGHTER)
He's in Japan.

Of course, there are other reasons
why we shouldn't trust governments

apart from Scott Morrison
both telling us not to

and being the reason we don't.

(LAUGHTER)

That's right, I'm talking about...

(AS MILO KERRIGAN)
Political corruption!

Yes, they say a fish rots
from its head down,

but not according to IBAC,
who have decided

that the head of the Victorian
state government's fish

is free of decomposition
and that it's its body that stinks.

New South Wales, too,
is having its fish examined

to determine where that awful smell
might be coming from.

Even...
(LAUGHTER)

Even Queensland,

the last place you would think
there would be corruption,

has had its top public servant

referred to its
Crime and Corruption Commission.

Corruption, I think,
even at a state level,

corrodes our faith
in our public institutions.

But it took a federal politician
to give voice so eloquently

to the disappointment in our hearts.

When you do this shit, it makes
the rest of us look really bad

and it brings distrust
in the Australian community,

and you are disgraceful.

You seriously are disgraceful and
you should be bloody...blocked away.

(LAUGHTER)

Senator Jacqui Lambie there
being cross.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you, Jacqui.

Prisecco Mule,
you're Jacqui's image consultant,

the last adviser standing
after Labor's staff purge.

I bloody am, yeah.

And are you just as cross as Jacqui
about all this?

I am. I'm bloody ropeable, mate.

Now, when Jacqui says that when
politicians engage in corruption...

"Do this shit", Shaun.

If you're gonna quote Jacqui,
get it bloody right.

(LAUGHTER)
OK.

When Jacqui says that
when politicians "do this shit",

it makes "the rest of us
look really bad",

is she worried about
her own professional reputation,

that we will think even less
of her in some way?

Oh, mate, I don't know.
They are disgraceful.

They seriously are disgraceful
and should be bloody...blocked away.

You know, it's like Jacqui says,
people out there, you know,

you can't just flip a cowl out
and eat it in a month.

(LAUGHTER)

What?
You heard me.

You can't just flip a cowl out
and eat it in a month.

(LAUGHTER)

Did Jacqui say that?
That doesn't make any sense.

Well, I think we have footage
of bloody Jacqui saying it, so...

Uh, mate, I don't know.
People out there...

You can't just, um, flip a cowl out
and eat it in a month.

(LAUGHTER)

Checks out.
(APPLAUSE)

Mate...mate, without your bloody
reputation and image as a pollie,

you got nothing.

What was it bloody Shakespeare says?

He who felches my bloody wallet
felches nothin',

but he who felches my name and shit
felches a great deal indeed, mate!

(LAUGHTER)
Yes, very true.

You know, people want to look up
to politicians,

and right now,
that's not where we're are.

They're looking down at us.
And it's disgusting.

It's exactly like Jacqui says.

People want to look up
to politicians,

and right now,
that's not where we're are.

They're looking down at us.
And it's disgusting.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, you're right.
It is exactly like Jacqui says.

Prisecco Mule, always a pleasure.

It's bloody disgraceful.
Yes, it is.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

You know, it does seem, though,
to be the women

who are flying the flag
for decency and integrity

when it comes to our politics.

Foreign minister Penny Wong's
recent trip to Bali

wasn't, as it is
for most Australians,

all sipping banana daiquiris on Kuta

and waiting to see if your drug
dealer made it through customs.

(LAUGHTER)

She met with
the Chinese foreign minister

about the concrete steps

Australia is taking to repair ties.

And of course,
Australia taking concrete steps

is the best way to ensure

we don't bring foot-and-mouth
disease into the country.

(LAUGHTER)

Another woman, the National Party's
Bridget McKenzie,

is also attacking
the foot-and-mouth threat

by attacking Labor,

accusing the government of
dragging their feet on this issue,

and not through
a disinfectant foot bath.

In fact, Bridget says
the Nationals have devised

a more effective,
if less user-friendly,

method of decontamination.

You've seen David Littleproud,

the current shadow minister
for agriculture,

holding Murray Watt's feet
to the fire since day one on this.

(LAUGHTER)

In fact, Bridget, herself
a former agriculture minister,

is prepared to put her money
where her foot-and-mouth is,

or at least her hand, so strongly
does she feel about this issue.

I'm very happy to offer my time
on a weekend

to hand-wash those shoes
at the airport myself.

(LAUGHTER)
An offer...

An offer inspired by how
some leaders across Europe

handled their foot-and-mouth disease
outbreak a few years ago.

(LAUGHTER)
So I look forward to that.

(APPLAUSE)

And you can perfectly understand
the Coalition's concern,

because if foot-and-mouth were
to get into this country,

it would mean the end
of pork-barrelling.

(LAUGHTER)

In fact, there are some members
of the National Party...

# Is that
the Chattanooga choo-choo? #

..who, it won't surprise you
to learn, go even further.

No more milk. No more cheese.

No more butter. No more yoghurt.

No more beef. No more steak.

No more lamb. No more chops.

No more mutton. No more roast.

No more pork chops.

No more sausages. No more mince.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, I know what you're thinking -

this is part of some insane
ransom demand by Barnaby

to return the Coalition to office.

Or perhaps his new vegan diet.
But no.

No, no, it's his view
of what we can expect

should foot-and-mouth disease
arrive in Australia.

Basically, forget about anything
that has meat in it, is the message.

Meat pies, obviously,
would be perfectly safe.

(LAUGHTER)
But Barnaby wasn't finished -

and I'm not talking
politically, obviously.

Listen - listen...

LISTEN!
(LAUGHTER)

..to this.

What do you think's gonna happen
to your food bill?

It will go through the roof.

It's odd, isn't it?

Because it does sound like
it would be a great deal cheaper

given you wouldn't be able
to buy anything.

(LAUGHTER)

The National Party's
actual leader, though,

accused the government of being
indecisive and overtly political.

And fair enough too,

because this is simply too important
to be playing politics with.

We've got to be
hard-nosed politics on this.

If this does get out,

you - the Labor government -
have got to go.

Not that Mr Joyce wants to create
any sense of panic in the community.

You think you had a problem
finding toilet paper during COVID?

Wait till you can't find
anything to eat.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, you know, at least
if we can't find anything to eat,

we won't need any toilet paper.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Well, coming up, popular Mad As Hell
character Darius Horsham.

Hello, everybody!
(LAUGHTER)

Also, Splendour in the Grass
not as bad

as everyone said it was gonna be,
claim event organisers.

(LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Plus, what Peter Dutton really
got up to on his US holiday.

(LAUGHTER)

Time now, though, to check

how the fruit and veg market's
looking this week

with Teeny van der Blood.

Well, plenty of manky-looking
produce available this week, Shaun,

at quite unreasonable prices.

A few examples -
zucchinis, $16 a kilo.

No, thank you.

Cauliflower, $9.50 each?
Stick 'em up your arse.

And snow peas, $39 a kilo?
Get fucked. This shit is insane.

You can't afford vegetables.
You can't afford meat or fish.

The only alternative is cannibalism,
and at these prices,

there will be no shortage
of cheap human flesh available.

Shaun.
Thanks, Teeny.

Well, since taking up his new job,

our treasurer, Jim Chalmers, has
been like a kid in a candy store -

a candy store that has no stock
and is in the hands of receivers.

We can't even afford the good ideas
that people have put to us.

So, strap yourselves in
for some cheap, gaudy, bad ideas

from Labor's two-dollar shop.

And the Libs' 2IC
of the candy store's previous owner,

Sussan Ley, isn't impressed.

Jim Chalmers is spending
a lot of time

effectively saying it's all too hard
and looking backwards.

Mind you, if Labor didn't
look backwards,

they wouldn't have seen
the State of the Environment report

Ms Ley left unreleased
since December.

DARIUS: Am I on next?
Yes, you are.

Fantastic.
Alright. Actually...

I just have to do the set-up.

OECD secretary-general
Mathias Cormann

is urging all the countries
of the world

to adopt a corporate tax rate
of 15%.

Yet while he was
LNP finance minister,

the corporate tax rate
was between 25% and 30%.

Also, he's been trying to guilt us
into shifting to renewable energy,

increasing our GST,
reducing private pension tax breaks,

reducing
the capital gains tax discount,

and replacing stamp duty
with a recurring land tax.

Isn't that a little
out of character,

former adviser to Mathias Cormann
Darius Horsham?

Shaun Micallef, you son of a bitch!

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Well, we all saw Mathias

walking in lock step with Anthony
Albanese on his trip to Paris,

shaking his hand,
pretending to be his friend.

I don't even recognise him anymore.

Shaun, don't shit
in the kitty litter box

and tell me it's a diorama
of Monument Valley!

Mathias hasn't sold out his previous
party-political principles

of resisting renewable energy
at all costs

just because he is now urging
that we embrace it as we would

a very attractive naked hippie
at some free-love music festival

any more than
now advocating tax reform

is a betrayal of
every fibre of his being

as a former fiscally conservative
finance minister.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, that's very easy
for you to say.

You think?
(LAUGHTER)

But how can he front an organisation
suggesting such things

with a straight face?

It's easy.
He has no sense of humour.

Plus, you are assuming that Mathias
believed in everything he stood for

when he was in the government.

Alright, so, all the while
he was in the Liberal Party,

he was actually a secret green-left
socialist bent on world government?

Exactly.

How could he go to work every day,
year after year,

and say the things he did
when he didn't believe in them?

Have you heard of
the Stockholm syndrome?

Yes.
Well, it's like that.

Now that he is free and living
on the other side of the world

in the City of Love,

he can be who he truly is -
a global economic girly-man!

(LAUGHTER)

Well, thank you very much,
Darius Horsham.

Darius Horsham there,
ladies and gentlemen.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you.

Of course, politicians can change,

and there's probably no more
startling a transformation

than our current PM.

As we know, Albo completely
reinvented himself

prior to the last election.

New clothes, new glasses,
new teeth, new body.

The effect...
(HARP GLISSANDO)

(LAUGHTER)
..irresistible.

Australian voters flocked to him

and anointed him our new king,
if not god.

But what's it like two months in
maintaining this impossible facade?

Cardamom Pye, you are here tonight
representing Anthony Albanese's id.

Is it difficult
keeping you contained?

Oh, every ounce of Albo's
self-control is required

to prevent me running amok, Shaun,
and stuffing myself with buns.

I must be restrained at all costs -

keeping my tie done up,
my shirt tucked in,

walking that fine line

between reminding people
of Albo's working-class origins

without actually exhibiting
any signs of it.

Do you resent that?

Oh, it's in the nature
of Labor these days

to sell out its principles and play
to the aspirational middle class,

so I get it.

At least he's not poncing around
Kirribilli in a silk dressing-gown

like Paul Keating,

winding his French Empire clocks
and listening to Mahler.

That's why he lost to Howard in '96.
He got too big for his britches.

Albo's not like that.
He's not too big for his britches?

Well, that's the advantage
of losing so much weight.

(LAUGHTER)
Do you get to show yourself at all?

Oh, when he's tired,
I occasionally get to express myself

with a snarling lip
at press conferences,

particularly after
a stupid question -

usually from Andrew Clennell.

Or maybe I get to laugh
in an unguarded way now and then.

Yeah, and I think we have footage
of Albo's escaped id

causing him to laugh
in an unguarded way.

There he is.
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was me! Yeah.

I almost made his new teeth
fall out!

You don't think seeing him laughing
makes him more relatable?

Oh, well, we've asked
the focus groups, Shaun.

This is relatable,

and this is certifiable.

(LAUGHTER)
I understand. Yeah, fair enough.

It's a pity for you his image has to
be so curated and stage-managed.

Oh, it's not too bad.

I'm let out occasionally to call
Dutton a boofhead or whatever,

but generally, yes, I'm chained up
in the dungeon of Albo's mind palace

while his superego
looks after things.

Well, thank you very much indeed,
Cardamom Pye,

and for coming in tonight,
please accept

a guided tour for you and a friend
of Sri Lanka's presidential palace.

(LAUGHTER)

Whether you're after a dip
in the presidential pool,

would like to experience what a day
in the life of a president was,

or just need some down time
in a presidential suite,

enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime -
if you're lucky -

Sri Lankan presidential palace
experience.

Mmm, dat's nice!
(LAUGHTER)

BOWERS: Where's Enid?

I told her to have the terms

of this damn federal
corruption watchdog of hers

on my period desk blotter
by this morning o'clock,

and look at the time!

Cool. Did they borrow that
from the Newsreader set?

Spare me your postmodern
multiverse bullshit, Miller.

I want to know where young Enid is
and why she isn't blowing the lid

off every pork barrel, change room,
car park and prayer room

for the last nine years only!

She's surfin', man!

Yeah, she may be a hyper-intelligent
lesbian with a law degree

and a backstory
that'll be crowbarred awkwardly

into episode six
with some flashbacks,

but she loves nothing more than
riding a pipeline down at Bells.

The foam, the wipe-outs, getting
caught up in a leggie in a pocket,

having to slice it through
with your thruster

'cause some kook
splonks your murdle-pom...

I haven't got time
for a bunch of terms

you downloaded
off the internet, Miller!

You tell her to start roasting those
bastards on the opposition bench

in time for the next news cycle,

or I'll be onto that period phone -
which was very expensive -

and it'll be her arse!

Really?
Which end would you speak into?

Oh! I've never felt so alive
and free in the surf!

I just got off the period phone
to Miller.

He says he's been talking
to your boss Bowers.

What, the guy with the afro?
The same.

He wants to know
when your ICAC will be

up and running the careers of those
bastards on the opposition benches

into the ground.

I'm torn, Snoopy.

Between a New South Wales
Gladys Berejiklian-type public ICAC

or a Victorian 'Dictator Dan' model

that keeps everything
on the down low.

Oh, that Dan Andrews
is a cutie, alright.

You gotta get off that shit,
Desiree!

ABC ed pols says
that you can't smoke on TV

unless another character in
the scene admonishes the practice,

and I ain't gonna be
that narrowly drawn!

Shut the fuck up, the both of you!
I'm in a crisis here!

The stakes are high and my character
really wants something

that's in conflict with another.

What I need is a solution that comes
from where I least expect it.

You want an ICAC that gives
the appearance of transparency

yet still opaque enough not to be
able to make out anything

to compromise the integrity
of the process, right?

Yeah!

Like the occluded glass
in the period shower doors

in those woman's change rooms
we got down the beach club

in the 2019 election campaign.

Exactly. You can sort of see
what's going on behind

but you can't quite make it out.

Oh! I could kiss the both of you!

This is exactly the sort of shit
they love to put in these promos.

Perverts.

Why, this model for a new ICAC
is exactly the same

as what the previous government
were using

for the Bernard Collaery
conspiracy trial!

Well done, Enid!

(ELECTRICITY ZAPS)

What is a woman?

A woman is a mystery,
A woman is a smile,

A song, a dance, a journey
Stretching out for miles.

A woman is some laughter,
A sunset and some rain,

A woman is a cooling pie
Upon your windowpane.

A woman is a crankshaft,
A woman is a blintz,

Yes, a Jewish pancake
full of cheese,

A dishwasher on rinse.

A woman is a weathervane,
A woman is a beer,

A question mark, a parallel park,
A painting by Vermeer.

A woman is some bratwurst,
A cloud that looks like Cher,

A squeaky door, Sir Kenneth Moore,
Half eaten by a bear.

But more than this, a woman

Is not what she is as such

As who she is, and why and where,

Not what's down there so much.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, leaving aside
the amusing picture

painted by any headline that begins

"Catholic bishops backflip
on status of women in church"...

Yes, I know!

(LAUGHTER)

..the fact remains
that the church has decided

that rather than
not let women assume

more senior roles in the church,
as they voted earlier this month,

they might let them become deacons.

That's a great step forward
for women in the church,

isn't it, Sister Luna?

(COCKNEY ACCENT) I should bloody
think not! A deacon? A deacon?!

I mean, that's only a step up
from altar boy, isn't it?

Well, you seem unhappy.

Of course I'm bloody unhappy, mate!

You'd be unhappy too if you were,
like me, a bride of Christ

having to look after a classroom
full of screaming kids all day

without so much as
a proper teaching degree,

and for what?

Sleeping on a wooden pillow,
a vow of chastity

and no chance of advancement

apart from eventually being
Mother Superior

at some convent
up a mountain somewhere

where they make you take a bloody
vow of silence to shut you up!

Well, surely that's why
this career path to deaconhood

is a change for the better
for women?

Oh, so, what,
I've got to quit being a nun

and start all over again at my age?!

Well, a lot of people retrain

to take advantage of
new job opportunities.

Oh, oh, I see. I see.

Oh, I'm expected to buy
a whole new set of frocks

despite my vow of poverty

and work my way up
through the seminary

just to get ordained
into some entry-level position

with no prospects of becoming
a bleeding bishop, let alone pope,

just so some local parish priest,

who's probably blown in
from some Third World bloody island,

can have his cassocks ironed
and his ferraiolos folded?

Well, no, thank you very much!

You can stick that in your thurible
and smoke it, mate!

(LAUGHTER)

Well, thank you very much,
Sister Luna,

and for coming in tonight,
please accept

this free sitting
for a beautiful family portrait

and 3,000 individual
wallet-sized shots

taken by facial recognition cameras
at Bunnings.

(LAUGHTER)

And if you can't turn up on the day,
don't worry,

they'll just go through
their database

and create a CGI simulation.

That'd be fun, wouldn't it?
That's nice.

That's nice, isn't it?
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

And looking ahead
in tonight's program,

scientists discover vultures
once soared in Australia's skies,

as irate passengers claim
they still do.

(LAUGHTER)

But right now, with a heads up
on what we can expect

in our new Mad As Hell
gossip segment, here's Nelson.

Hello, Shaun! Yes, it's me, Nelson!

And boy, do I have a scoop for you!

Now, now, you have to be
very careful, Nelson.

I will be very careful, Shaun.

The last thing we want is
for the ABC to be sued by anyone,

even if it is...
Watch yourself, now.

Well, what I can say
is that this person...

Yes?

..did something that he - or she -
maybe shouldn't have.

OK, so this person is
a man or a woman?

Maybe. I'm not saying
one way or the other.

Anyway, now he or she is either
in big trouble...or isn't.

(LAUGHTER)
Uh...

Guess who! Don't sue!

Um...is it John Barilaro?
Yes.

(LAUGHTER)
Well, thank you very much, Nelson.

Bye!

Well, as you can see here, Richard
Marles is thoroughly enjoying

his new job as defence minister,
and why not?

In two short months, he's gone

from rubbing elbows with the Chinese
defence minister in Singapore

to being condemned as another
Peter Dutton by Chinese state media.

I mean, it took Peter Dutton years
to be considered that bad.

For Marles to do it in two months
is nothing short of astonishing.

Of course, he hasn't just been
cementing his reputation

and throwing it into the harbour.

He's got bigger fish to fry,
which he hopes to do

by putting nuclear submarines
in Australian waters.

But it's putting
some of our older vessels

in the waters of
our Pacific neighbours

that's causing us the most trouble,
with reports

our neighbours may halt the use
of Australian-provided patrol boats

after potentially serious defects
were discovered.

Vice Rear Cabin Boy Sir Bobo Gargle,

first of all, congratulations
on having your tenure extended.

Oh. You heard about that, eh?
(CHUCKLES KNOWINGLY)

(LAUGHTER)

Y-you're talking about Richard
Marles telling Angus Campbell

he has two more years in the job?

Yes, and as his batman,
this means two more years for you.

Yes, although, in that relationship,

I prefer to think of myself
more as Robin.

And I assume this extension
will, at the very least,

ensure the sort of continuity
of leadership

which has led to
a lack of any prosecutions

following the Brereton report
two years ago?

At the very least.
Not even that, probably.

Although, I'll hear not a word
against Angus Campbell.

A wonderful man.
Both in and out of uniform.

But to the problems uncovered
by our Pacific Island friends

in our patrol boats,
is that why we don't have

a manufacturing industry
here anymore?

Because we're terrible at it?

Being terrible at making something
shouldn't stop one doing it.

Look at Australian TV drama.

Well, apparently
the problems emerged

during the recent election campaign

but weren't disclosed publicly
until now.

Armed forces personnel don't get
involved in politics, Shaun.

I'm glad we don't.

Because I certainly wouldn't want
to be seen to be aligned

with that last lot of incompetent,
showboating, pompous,

arrogant, swaggering,
corrupt, ignorant buffoons.

When I got that memo from the PMO

telling me to post
on my social media

that we'd intercepted that
asylum seeker boat on election day,

I said, "Not under any circumstance
will I so debase

"my Grindr, OnlyFans
and Pornhub accounts."

(LAUGHTER)

Well, finally, Bobo...
Yes?

..the Brereton report
was released...

Released, yes.

..in November of 2020...
Yes.

..parts of which were redacted.
Redacted.

When will the full report
be released?

Now?
No, not now! He hasn't said it yet!

Get back in the closet, my pretty.

(LAUGHTER)

Now?
Yes!

The full report won't be released...
till the crack of doom!

('MICKEY' PLAYS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

# Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind

# Hey, Mickey

# Hey, Mickey... #

With Steve Bannon found guilty
of contempt of Congress

and likely to go to prison,
now's the perfect time

to start on that pergola or deck
you've always wanted.

And at Bunnings, you can come in,

have your facial biometric data
recorded without your knowledge

by one of our discreet CCTV cameras,

and not know how it might be used
in the future.

VOICEOVER:
Pack of 10 Privacy Acts, $4.77.

Anti-facial recognition
smiley mask, $1.95.

And if you can find the tiny warning
on the sign at the front of the shop

about the recording
of your biometric data,

we'll reduce its size by 10%.

Bunnings Warehouse.

Storing personal data without
your consent is just the beginning.

# Bunnings Warehouse. #

VOICEOVER: This Thursday, join Q+A's
new permanent host, Stan Grant,

and his guests, Stan Grant,
Stan Grant,

Stan Grant, Stan Grant
and Stan Grant,

as he both asks and answers
your questions

about the events of the week.

(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back.

Well, later in the program, the
improved treatment of women by men

put down to the rising cost
of gaslighting.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)
But, um...

Seems OK.

But right now, the cost
of not only gaslighting

but other energy sources -

should we harness
the power of floods

and move Snowy Hydro
to south-western Sydney?

No, of course we shouldn't.
That's ridiculous.

Tosh Greenslade without
a wig and glasses has more.

('THE PRICE OF LOVE'
BY BRYAN FERRY PLAYS)

TOSH: The price of gas,
like the price of love,

costs more when you're to blame.

For years, we've taken our gas
for granted,

wasting it on cooking food
or keeping ourselves warm

or turning giant turbines

to generate electricity
that we also waste

by cooking food
or keeping ourselves warm,

or even to operate electric gates,

like the ones behind me
to this oil refinery.

I think what Bryan would have been
trying to communicate

had The Price Of Love been about gas

is that we needed
to have in the past

either not used fossil fuels
like gas at all

or had more of them to begin with.

I mean, when you think about it,

20/20 hindsight's
not such a big deal.

It was only two years ago.

Two years ago, who but anyone
half-watching the news

could have predicted

the demand for gas would have
driven its price so high?

Aww! See, he's not such a bad guy.

(COOS) No, he's not! No, he's not!

Some have resorted to smuggling gas
that we've already exported

back into the country to sell
to suppliers at even higher prices.

It's not something
the gas lobby is proud of.

I'm not proud of being caught.

But I felt - assuming it's capable
of me to feel anything -

that it was something that
needed to be done at the time.

People were hurting.
Mainly the gas lobby.

The companies we represent
were complaining to us

that the government of the day
wasn't doing enough

to justify the enormous amounts
of financial support

we were giving
their re-election campaign.

At the end of the day, it's about
cheap, affordable rent-seeking.

Nev Power, who was leading the COVID
recovery task force at the time

and is a great guy

and continues to be an ornament
to the energy industry,

he said to me, he said, "Leo,

"if the promise of Australia's
gas-led recovery leads to anything,

"I'd be very surprised."

As any halfwit
or Reserve Bank governor

who still thinks Keynesian economics
is a thing will tell you,

the way to lower prices is to either
reduce demand or increase supply.

As more people die
from the cold or starvation,

demand will drop,
and prices along with it.

Good news for people who could
afford the power prices anyway,

but is it ethical?

I don't understand
the premise of your question.

The other option is to increase
the amount of gas reserves

by levelling our rainforests,
killing all our fauna,

and then burying them deep under
the earth for millions of years

while we cryogenically
freeze ourselves

until the dead plant
and animal matter

decompose to the required level

to produce methane, hydrocarbons
and other gases,

whereupon we thaw ourselves out
to burn them

and produce more CO2,
having learned nothing.

Alternatively,
defray the high cost of gas

with the proceeds of a windfall tax,

given that the industry's record
profits are a result of good fortune

thanks to the actions
of an insane world leader

rather than exemplary
business practice.

Unfortunately, a spokesperson
for the peak industry body

was unavailable for comment.

Tosh Greenslade without
a wig and glasses for Mad As Hell.

Well, not coming up because
Aftertaste is on in a minute...

Could social distancing
also help tackle obesity?

(DRIVER SHOUTS ANGRILY)

And wind-fired power -
is it the way of the future?

(LAUGHTER)

And finally, in case you missed it,
there was some important advice

from the chief medical officer
this last week.

I really very strongly suggest
that you do wear masks.

And he's not a politician,
he's a medical professional,

so you can trust him
and believe what he says implicitly.

I am wearing a mask now.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

That man has no credibility.
Goodbye.

(WACKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation