Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 14, Episode 10 - Episode #14.10 - full transcript
Because of his boredom while away from work, Ross offers to help Joey focus on writing a movie. Unfortunately, it's The Honourable Wally Norman.
Hey, it's going to be very difficult
for Shaun Micallef
to be able to send this up.
# Wiki-wiki-wah
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(THEME MUSIC)
# Wiki-wah... #
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
Thank you very much. Thank you.
It's amazing, isn't it?
Accusations of racial vilification,
bullying,
using his faith as a marketing tool,
being an autocrat,
not being fit for office,
having no moral compass,
and Scott Morrison's approval rating
goes up,
while Anthony Albanese's goes down.
Then again, maybe that's what you
want in the leader of a country.
Someone who is willing to do
whatever it takes
to get the job done -
assuming the job is getting into
and staying in office
regardless of the consequences.
None of your namby-pamby
caring-for-the-aged bullshit.
No, we want a bad boy.
Now, I know we're not supposed
to show our bias here on the ABC,
and by and large,
I think we do a pretty good job
of disguising our true allegiance
to Xi Jinping,
but I must say, in all seriousness,
I thought Albo got
a raw deal last week
having to follow Volodymyr Zelenskyy
to do his budget reply.
I mean, great, but it was like
having Bruce Springsteen
open for you
and then you come out
and play the spoons.
On the plus side, I've never seen
Parliament so well behaved.
The PM didn't turn his chair around
and scroll through his phone,
Peter Dutton didn't move
the Ukrainian president
not be heard anymore,
no points of order from Tony Burke,
Albo didn't yell out,
"Sit down, boofhead."
It made me proud
to be an Australian.
I think we should have world leaders
watching our politicians by Zoom
all the time.
Who's with me?!
(CHEERING)
At the very least, it would
certainly speed things up.
Because New Zealand offers
to take our refugees,
nine years later we say yes.
Zelenskyy asks for some of our
Bushmaster armoured vehicles
and we say yes the next day.
So, Albo had a hard act to follow,
particularly given
opposition leader in waiting
Josh Frydenberg stole his thunder
by emphasising several times
that his budget was focused on
easing the cost-of-living pressures
on Australian families.
easing the cost-of-living pressures
My focus is on winning the election.
easing the cost-of-living pressures
Oh, my bad.
Anyway, Albo -
who is looking great, by the way -
tried attacking Josh's budget
with an analogy
reflective of his own obsession
with cosmetic appearance.
Well, this has all the sincerity
of a fake tan.
Of course, there'd be
no need for fake tan
if someone would just
grant the PM's request
to take him to the April sun
in Cuba.
The popularity of leaders aside,
this week's poll
has Labor well ahead,
but what if the PM pulls
another miracle out of his arse -
even a small one that results
in a hung parliament?
If neither party wins enough seats,
what sort of thing might
a blackmailing crossbencher insist
the minority government do
in exchange for their vote?
I would immediately move
to providing a rifle
for every single boy and girl
if they want them -
an armoury in every single school
in Australia.
And just to give some context -
he's from Queensland.
(LAUGHTER)
So, what do you think about
the Bob Katter Young Guns proposal?
Some might say it's inappropriate
for thousands of children
to run around school with rifles,
but would we rather they just
look at their phones all day?
Let's do a straw poll, shall we?
Phones? Or guns?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(LOUDER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, dear. Alright.
Send your answers to us
care of the ABC
and you could win
a Concetta Fierravanti Well,
fully installed in your home,
complete with a lifelike effigy
of Scott Morrison at the bottom.
Mmm, that's karma.
Speaking of which, the PM can't cut
a trick at the moment -
although, if I were him,
it'd be the one
where he tries to control Angus
Taylor using the power of his mind,
because that one
clearly isn't working.
But the inane-stream media
seem to be twitting the PM
for everything that comes out
of his mouth these days,
including this perfectly
reasonable comment
that people having trouble renting
should buy a house instead.
Now, this wasn't some
clueless, out-of-touch,
Marie Antoinette
'let them eat cake' moment,
was it,
former Australian Ballet dancer
but now full-time Marie Antoinette
impersonator at children's parties
because of the lack of support
for the arts in the budget
Wilma Spade-Colander?
Nah, too right, Shaun.
All the PM meant was
that if people are finding the
rental market a bit too expensive,
they should take advantage
of the government's very generous
first home guarantee,
which lowers the minimum deposit
for a mortgage from 20% to 5%
for 50,000 people lucky enough
not to have enough money
or a place to live.
This bloody Marie Antoinette
comparison would only be valid
if when her courtier
had come to her and said,
"The peasants are starving
and have no bread",
she'd replied,
"Well, they should take advantage
"of our first cake-eaters scheme.
"The first 50,000 peasants
who have never eaten cake before
"can borrow some money
and buy a cake for a 5% deposit."
And are people who can't afford the
20% deposit being done any favours
getting into the housing market
just before interest rates
are set to rise?
Well, if the peasant's circumstances
which prevented them
scraping together the other 15%
of the price of the cake
in the first place
means they can't service the loan
because wage growth is stagnant,
inflation is up
and interest rates do rise,
as you say -
which they probably will,
because demand will be up,
owing to the very fact
of the government's scheme -
Marie Antoinette would have gone on
to tell her courtier
to tell the peasants
that they're on their own
and the cake will likely
be repossessed by the bank
in the not too distant future
and sold to someone
who can afford it.
For use as an investment property,
making the rental market
even more difficult to enter
than it was originally.
Well, Shaun, as they say, you can't
have your cake and eat it too,
because of the risk
of negative equity.
Thank you very much.
(APPLAUSE)
Of course, it's not just the media
who've been piling onto our PM
this last week.
who've been piling onto our PM
Or those across the chamber.
People from his own party
have again accused him of things -
not in texts this time,
but in farewell speeches
and sworn depositions.
Terrible things - terrible, awful,
and for a normal politician,
career-destroying things.
But the PM, as we know,
is anything but normal,
and he has denied
even the worst of these allegations
consistently and exhaustively.
No. No. No!
It's very much
a 'they said/he said' situation.
So, who do we believe?
Well, no less an authority -
and it's hard to think of one -
than former prime minister
John Howard
has helpfully weighed in
on the bullying allegation,
saying that the PM may be forceful,
but he is not a bully.
Join Howard joins me
on the line from his home.
Hello, Shaun. Can you hear me?
Am I speaking into the right end?
Yes, you are, Mr Howard.
You say the PM is not a bully?
That is not my experience
of him, Shaun.
And he served as state director
of the New South Wales division
of the Liberal Party
during the last three terms
of my government.
Yes, but you were prime minister,
so he's hardly going to be
a bully to you, is he?
It's like those
scurrilous accusations
that we are a racist country.
That too, as I am
on record as saying,
has not been my experience.
So, therefore,
none of these problems exist?
Exactly.
Nor has Scott Morrison
ever backgrounded against me,
as he has alleged to have done
against Michael Towke
during the preselection battle
for the seat of Cook back in 2007.
And, Shaun, I can lay
my hand on my heart
and say that I have not in my
experience ever been Michael Towke.
Anyway, I've got to go now, Shaun.
Janette wants to switch over
to Ambulance Australia.
OK. Thank you, Mr Howard.
John Howard there,
Australia's oldest and, some say,
living prime minister.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
But I don't think the allegations
of bullying and lying and racism
should detract from the good work
the PM has done this week
on the international stage.
And obviously, I'm not talking
about standing by like an idiot
while Labor Party stooge China
cut his lunch
with Solomon Islands
Prime Minister Sogavare.
Sure, giving him a ukulele is nice,
but you can't land a plane on it,
board a ship from it
or fire missiles out of it,
and this has forced Scott Morrison
to defend his government's role
in the region.
Whenever there is a crisis
or an issue to be dealt with
in the Pacific region,
the first call that's made
is to Australia.
And when the phone rings out,
they call China.
But how do you manage
this problem strategically?
One of the ways you deal with
your Pacific family
is you deal with it as family.
Oh, OK. So, Prime Minister Sogavare,
if you're watching,
you're grounded from going out with
your Chinese friends for two weeks,
your pocket money from Australia
is halved,
and no TV until
you finish your homework.
Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
Anyway, I don't want to talk about
this embarrassing mess
with a Pacific neighbour.
I want to talk about
how great the PM has been
providing our Bushmaster armoured
personnel carriers to Ukraine
to help them
win the war with Russia.
Valet parking attendant for
the defence materials department
Walbin Hecht,
how many are we sending over?
Four. And it's been
a logistical nightmare, Shaun.
Which do I back
out of the shed first?
Do we parallel or angle park
once we've got them into
the C-21 cargo transports?
And what kind of penalty
do we charge the Ukrainians
if they don't fill up the tank
when they return them?
Four doesn't sound that many.
Shaun, we can't leave ourselves
undefended if China attacks us.
We need the other one to hide behind
in the event of an invasion.
What about the insurance
on these Bushmasters?
Do the premiums go up because
they're actually being used now?
You'd have to talk to DFAT
about that, Shaun.
My job is to hose 'em off
when they get back,
Defence looks after what they do
when they get there,
and Foreign Affairs handles
the delicate negotiations as to
whether we deduct the cost of hiring
them out from the aid package.
whether we deduct the cost of hiring
Hold that thought.
Thumbelina Stent,
you are the chief adviser
to our foreign affairs minister,
Marise Payne.
A master of diplomacy, Shaun,
if ever there was one.
Really?
She has to be
when you're working so closely
with Peter Dutton
and Scott Morrison.
Man, what a couple of douchebags.
How much will these Bushmasters
we're sending to Ukraine
cost us, do you think?
They're a mere drop in the ocean,
Shaun.
Are you talking about the cost,
or the Bushmasters themselves
when they fall out of the aeroplane
on the way over?
What does price matter
when we are talking about
the defence of a nation, Shaun?
Well, it certainly
didn't seem to matter
when we cancelled
that submarine contract.
How much was that again?
Um...more than $5 billion.
More than $5 billion for nothing.
Value for money, do you think?
Shaun, the Department
of Foreign Affairs
likes to think of itself
as above politics,
but let me tell you,
those Labor numb-nuts
would have cocked all this up
far worse than we did.
Remember what Scott said last week
about Anthony Albanese...
You know, he knows
the cost of nothing.
Well, I think we all know
the cost of nothing now.
It's more than $5 billion.
Plus interest.
Well, thank you very much,
Thumbelina Stent.
Thank you.
Later, in foreign affairs, we ask,
is China's denial of access
for the Australian ambassador
to the trial of TV presenter
Cheng Lei
just another example of their
"it's my way or Huawei" attitude?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Plus,
controllable magnetic slime robots -
would that have been a far easier
way for Scott Morrison
to get the candidates he wanted
for preselection in New South Wales?
But to finance now,
and, Tosh Greenslade,
some big gains in the ASX today?
That's exactly right, Shaun.
Thanks very much, Tosh.
And can I just say
that Josh Frydenberg has every right
to look as happy as he does about
formulating that budget of his.
On the one hand,
it helps struggling Australians
and on the other, exhibits his
skills as a good economic manager
for the upcoming election,
while on the still further hand,
isn't so good that
the government will actually win,
so that when
Scott Morrison gets dumped,
Josh will get a shot
at the Liberal leadership.
Someone to watch, isn't he,
PM media Medea Donald McEngadine?
Yes, Shaun. Very, VERY closely.
Look at this moment I caught at
their press conference the next day.
You can almost see Josh's soul
being inhaled, Dementor-style,
out of his body.
Fantastic.
What did you make of this comment
by the PM this week?
We see this as economic bullying
and coercion.
I think that's a refreshingly honest
description of the budget, Shaun.
He was actually talking
about China's deal
with the Solomon Islands.
Right. Well, appalling, then.
That sort of behaviour
is indefensible
when you don't have
an election looming.
I guess the big question I have
for you this week, Donald, is,
how did the PM react
to his character reference
from outgoing NSW Liberal senator
Concetta Fierravanti-Wells?
An autocrat, a bully,
who has no moral compass.
Well, Shaun, ScoMo reacted
the way he always reacts
when people he's worked with
call him names
and try and diminish him
unequivocally,
particularly if they're women -
he refers to them
by their first name
and characterises their response
as an emotional one
to a situation that has
nothing to do with him.
So, infantilise her by referring
to her by her first name...
And imply that up until now,
you've been friendly with them.
That's right.
..suggest that what she said
is because 500 other people
didn't want her...
Regardless of the how close
the actual ballot might have been.
..and say
that she took it personally?
You know what women are like, Shaun.
So, the PM
isn't an autocrat or a bully
So, the PM
and has a functioning moral compass?
ScoMo doesn't even know the meaning
of the word 'autocrat', Shaun,
nor do most of the Australians
he's hoping to flim-flam
into voting for him a second time.
As for a moral compass,
who needs one today
when you've got the sort of
instinctive GPS ScoMo has
that gets you to where you need
by the shortest
and most ruthless route necessary
regardless
of who's standing in the way?
And the accusation he's a bully?
Shaun, it's like
Senator Jane Hume, a lady, said -
it's an easy accusation to make.
Easy to make because
there is ample evidence of it?
Shaun, Scott understands that people
will take shots,
although the only ones
that really matter
are the ones taken
by his personal photographer.
Look at this beauty of ScoMo
wandering the bleak
dystopian landscape
of the eighth circle of hell.
Marginal seat?
Pretty safe, I reckon.
What about all this business
about Michael Towke?
Shaun, ScoMo put an end
to all of this back in 2019.
Thank you.
Plus we have the treasurer
on the record saying...
There is not a racist bone
in Scott Morrison's body.
What about the bones in all
the skeletons in his cupboard?
I can't speak for those, Shaun.
I can only speak
on behalf of those bones
inhabiting ScoMo's current
human form.
Not a trace of racism,
and he's willing to sign an X-ray
to that effect.
Still, not everything Senator
Fierravanti-Wells said about the PM
was bad.
In my public life,
I have met ruthless people.
Morrison tops the list.
I mean, it must be nice
to be leading in one poll.
As I and he have said, Shaun,
ScoMo understands
that Connie is disappointed,
just as he understands
Will Smith slapping Chris Rock
and understands
violent anti-vax protesters
and understands how to weld.
(LAUGHTER)
One more question.
Thank you.
OK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Donald McEngadine,
the PM's media Medea.
(APPLAUSE)
Lumbering out of the set
like a bear in search of berries.
VOICEOVER: On this week's
One Plus One,
Barrie Cassidy talks to Brent Crude,
Australia's leading security
verification code provider.
I just make them up, Barrie.
I don't know where they come from.
514378.
7198...35.
I don't know how I do it.
I don't want to analyse it
in case I lose the gift.
342558.
638224.
I don't want to sound big-headed,
but it just comes very easily to me.
That's this week on One Plus One.
723521.
NARRATOR: This great white shark
could kill you.
So could Kevin Desmond Barrett.
It's your choice.
Fascinating.
Dutchie, as someone
who used to work at the Pram Factory
back when it actually made prams
and is still active
in the Wharf Revue today,
corralling the tumbleweeds
after their jokes,
what did you think
of that last sketch?
As I once said
when I was ranting drunk and naked
at an ABC board meeting
back in the '70s,
whether you are part of the woke
left whinging about everything
or stuck in the conservative past,
also whinging about everything,
the collective unconscious
moves inexorably forward...
As a bipedal human woman
guilty of unconscious ableism...
..we are all progressives,
albeit moving at different rates,
simultaneously destroying
and preserving the way we do things
in the hope that things
will magically get better
for whichever group we belong to.
As I was about to interrupt...
Can I just say
that as an ally of women
that I agree
and validate and elevate
whatever that lady was about to say
by talking over the top of her?
Again, I'm afraid not, as we have
happily run out of time. Shaun?
Thank you very much indeed, Ellen.
Well, according to no lesser source
than the government's media centre,
a more flexible approach
to relocation assistance
for short-term harvest workers
has provided a timely boost
to Queensland's farm workforce.
But don't take their word for it.
With some timely advice
for jobseekers,
here's celebrity accountant and
the federal government's ambassador
for keeping the unemployment figures
down in the lead-up to the election,
Davey Plum.
Davey.
Are they all here?
Well, there are density limits
because of COVID.
I'm going anyway.
OK.
You call yourself jobseekers,
you sons of bitches?
'Cause the bad news is
we're all gonna be jobseekers
unless we can keep
the unemployment rate down
to a figure with a fuckin' 3
in front of it.
The good news is that if you do
two weeks of agricultural work
in a regional area,
the government will give you $2,000.
$4,000 more if you do
120 hours of work - $6,000.
And all for picking A - apples,
B - bananas, C - carrots.
And how? R-A-T-U-J.
Relocation assistance
to take up a job.
Stuart Robert and David Littleproud
paid good money for this scheme.
Pick the fruit
and pick up $3 an hour.
The fruit's lying around on the
trees waiting for you to pick it.
You don't,
I have no sympathy for you.
I can go out there tonight
and make myself $15.
Tonight. In five hours.
Can you? You know what it takes
to pick fruit?
It takes a pulse to pick fruit.
A pulse and no other options.
Back to you, Shaun,
you fuckin' cocksucker.
Thank you very much, Davey Plum.
Davey.
So, what do we do with
what little money we have
to ensure the best return
on our investment?
Why am I asking you when I'm asking
the question on your behalf?
You can't answer back anyway,
and presumably you don't know.
Wendell, help me out here.
It's so confusing.
It sure is, Shaun,
and that's why I'm here to help.
I know. This is not a real
conversation. It's an advertorial.
Let's look at the best places
to have put your money
over the last five years.
OK.
If you'd invested in gold
in 2017, for example,
you would have seen a 50% increase
on your investment.
Wow.
If instead, though, you had invested
your money in iron ore,
you would have seen your investment
increase 180%.
That's amazing.
But if in 2017
you had instead invested $3,500
towards the Liberal National Party,
and you were from
Canstruct International,
a company worth just $8 with no
staff, no assets and no revenue...
Yes?
..you wouldn't have gained anything,
because, as the company's
chief executive recently explained:
That's disappointing.
Although if in 2017
you'd proven yourself to be
a great listener
of one of those MPs,
you'd have now been awarded,
without a proper tender process,
$1.5 billion in contracts.
Fuck me sideways!
Plus dinner.
Proving that the best investment
of the last five years
was in friendship.
Thank you very much, Wendell.
And please accept on our behalf
your own card.
Great! I like this one.
And coming up, a besieged leader
surrounded by yes-men
makes concessions in areas
he'd previously targeted
in an effort to save face.
Plus, a besieged leader
surrounded by yes-men
makes concessions in areas
he'd previously targeted
in an effort to save face.
Well, the question of
"Who is Anthony Albanese?"
has been well and truly answered
by the man himself
getting out and about
in the community this week
to let voters know what he's doing.
(PLAYFUL VOICE) I'm running for
prime minister.
OK.
So many things to unpack here.
Um, he's doing a voice
as if the dog is speaking,
but has the dog saying that IT'S
running for prime minister.
Whose idea was that?
OK. Very good. Great idea.
Now, the government's decision to
cut the fuel excise for six months
is, according to shadow treasurer
Jim Chalmers,
a trap for the next government.
But that's only if that next
government is Labor, surely?
Well, it's a trap we are not
going to fall into, Shaun.
How?
You can't fall into a trap
for the next government
if you're not the next government,
can you?
Yes, but...
Politics is a long game, Shaun,
and the last thing we want
is to take over right when
the government wants us to.
Exactly. We need to take over
when they least expect it.
And when would that be?
When they least expect it.
Scrape the vanilla candle wax
out of your ears, soy boy.
It'd be when they have a popular
leader with ideas for the future
and a cabinet
capable of implementing them.
So, it could be a while.
A long, long while.
Then, when they least expect it...
And just when Australia is resigned
to having yet another below-average
Coalition government
led by incompetent
and/or nakedly corrupt boobs...
Pow!
We change leaders
and start all over again.
Well, thank you very much,
Team Albo!
Well, energy and, incredibly,
at the same time,
emissions reduction minister
Angus Taylor
has defended the $1 billion
taxpayer-funded carbon credit scheme
which has been accused of fraud.
The Emissions Reduction Fund -
also known as ERF,
because that's the noise you make
when you suddenly realise
what's going on -
is allegedly in the business
of fake carbon reductions.
Caretaker of overlooking completely
one of Angus Taylor's portfolios
Dichotomy August,
are carbon reduction credits real,
or are we just imagining them
because we're descending
into madness?
Let me explain to you how they work.
The Morrison government allows
developers of
emissions reduction projects
to sell their so-called abatement
on the open market,
thus creating hundreds
of million-dollar windfalls
for this country's carbon traders
as they trade in carbon offsets.
And presumably reduce
carbon emissions as well?
Yes, it reduces the need
for investment
in expensive carbon emission
projects, like capture and storage.
Well, reducing the projects
that reduce emissions
isn't quite the same as
reducing emissions, is it?
In fact, it's the opposite.
Let me explain it again.
You own some land, OK?
You plant some trees
or you don't clear some trees -
it doesn't matter.
For every one tonne of carbon
stored in that tree,
you get two carbon credits.
You can sell the credits
to the government
for cash money at a fixed price,
or you can sell them for more
on the open market
to corporate buyers
looking for carbon offsets
so they can meet
their carbon-neutral commitments.
Are we clear?
Crystal.
But isn't the problem that
people are not cutting down trees
they weren't going to
cut down anyway
and are growing trees
that are already there
and they're getting carbon credits
for basically doing nothing?
I have neither the time nor
the inclination to explain myself
to a man who works
for an organisation
that powers its cameras
and microphones
with affordable energy
that Angus provides,
and then questions the manner
in which he provides it!
I would rather you just said
thank you and went on your way.
Otherwise, I suggest you pick up
a solar panel or a wind turbine
and go stand in a field somewhere.
Either way, I don't give a damn
what you think!
Did Angus get that Clover Moore PDF
from Alan Jones?
You're goddamn right he did!
Alright. Thank you very much,
Dichotomy.
VOICEOVER: Hughes Road.
This week on Back Roads.
Welcome back. With the Department
of Home Affairs
set to establish
a domestic terrorist register,
will we have to use it,
or could we still buy gifts from
other places that might be cheaper?
Winifreda Bubon investigates.
Neo-Nazis. Are they much
of an improvement on the old ones?
Semi-regular character
Larry Sideburns admits
to flirting with a number
of objectionable things
throughout his life,
including his wife, Evadne.
I'm off.
Most recently, though, it's been
the Australian chapter
of the extreme right-wing
online hate group
Sons (and Daughters)
of Ultra-White Supremacy.
It's an outrageous slur to suggest
that we've got anything to do with
Nazism, isn't it, mein Liebchen?
Damn straight.
I mean, yes, we like
reading about history,
and, yes, some of that
is World War II,
particularly the Axis powers,
but are we supposed to avoid
reading Mein Kampf
and watching Triumph Of The Will
and buying illegal Iron Crosses
on the dark web
just because some virtue-signalling,
ABC-watching snowflakes
have decided to cancel Hitler?
Gelbwurst and sauerkraut?
Ooh, thank you.
Last time I looked,
we were living in a free country
where you could do anything
you wanted with impunity.
It's political correctness
gone (BLEEP) -
although I suppose you're not even
allowed that anymore either.
Larry works part-time
cleaning the blood off bulldozers
at the local abattoir,
and in the name of
workplace sensibility,
wears his replica SS uniform
UNDER his clothes.
During lunch and tea breaks, though,
he will often scream at his
coworkers through a megaphone,
despite management insisting
it be switched off
and that he yell
mainly about Buddhism.
It's important to have
boundaries, I think.
Someone wants to be able to
eat their cheese in certain way
or have their hair a certain colour,
that's fine.
As long as I don't
have to understand it,
we should tolerate it.
That Larry brings up a lot of good
points is neither here nor there.
It's like what Voltaire says -
"Keep the bloodlines pure
and there won't be any trouble."
Workplace inclusivity is important
here at Caspar's Islamic Halal Death
to the Infidels Slaughterhouse,
which he bought
from a friend's uncle
who had his citizenship revoked
by Peter Dutton
and was sent back to Syria
for fighting with ISIS
over a parking space.
I was gonna change the name
to Happy Farm Organic Lamb,
but I didn't want to trigger
those single-origin latte-sipping
green left activists
and have them gluing themselves
all over my driveway.
Although I respect their right
to have their view.
Hitler was vegetarian.
He sounds like a nice man.
Each weekend, Larry goes on
a camping holiday to the Grampians
with others from
his online chatroom.
LARRY: We train and learn how to
assemble weapons while blindfolded
and go swimming together.
Then we post pictures of ourselves
on the internet
for the news bulletins to use
when everyone complains about us.
It's freedom of expression
in a pluralistic society
and it seems to work.
Jasmine Fart from one of
the Home Affairs Department's
many hundreds of cybersecurity
surveillance teams agrees.
We are born with certain
inalienable natural rights
which we agree to curb
or give up entirely
in return for having
what remains of those rights
protected from people like us.
And people are OK with that?
If anyone has a problem with it,
they have every right to raise it.
They can raise it on TV
with Peter Dutton,
and he will accuse them of
wanting to protect paedophiles.
and he will accuse them of
Usually shuts 'em the fuck up.
and he will accuse them of
One more question, if I may...
and he will accuse them of
Paedophile!
and he will accuse them of
Winifreda Bubon, Mad As Hell.
and he will accuse them of
Hmm. Well, not coming up
because Tomorrow Tonight
is on in a minute...
Cost of Prince Andrew's
legal settlement
forces family members to busk.
New version of water polo
not very interesting.
And Kim Jong-un fires missile
at menswear store
that sold him
this vinyl bomber jacket.
And finally, how did
Senator Fierravanti-Wells's
Liberal party colleagues react
to her budget night blow-up?
Well, reactions ranged
from "Oh, Christ, not again"
to this
from Senator Hollie Hughes.
I'm not quite sure
'dignity' and 'grace'
will be two words
that follow her out the door.
Exactly, because they'd have to
have been in the building
in the first place.
Goodbye.
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation
for Shaun Micallef
to be able to send this up.
# Wiki-wiki-wah
Wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah
# Wah-wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah-wah
(THEME MUSIC)
# Wiki-wah... #
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
Thank you very much. Thank you.
It's amazing, isn't it?
Accusations of racial vilification,
bullying,
using his faith as a marketing tool,
being an autocrat,
not being fit for office,
having no moral compass,
and Scott Morrison's approval rating
goes up,
while Anthony Albanese's goes down.
Then again, maybe that's what you
want in the leader of a country.
Someone who is willing to do
whatever it takes
to get the job done -
assuming the job is getting into
and staying in office
regardless of the consequences.
None of your namby-pamby
caring-for-the-aged bullshit.
No, we want a bad boy.
Now, I know we're not supposed
to show our bias here on the ABC,
and by and large,
I think we do a pretty good job
of disguising our true allegiance
to Xi Jinping,
but I must say, in all seriousness,
I thought Albo got
a raw deal last week
having to follow Volodymyr Zelenskyy
to do his budget reply.
I mean, great, but it was like
having Bruce Springsteen
open for you
and then you come out
and play the spoons.
On the plus side, I've never seen
Parliament so well behaved.
The PM didn't turn his chair around
and scroll through his phone,
Peter Dutton didn't move
the Ukrainian president
not be heard anymore,
no points of order from Tony Burke,
Albo didn't yell out,
"Sit down, boofhead."
It made me proud
to be an Australian.
I think we should have world leaders
watching our politicians by Zoom
all the time.
Who's with me?!
(CHEERING)
At the very least, it would
certainly speed things up.
Because New Zealand offers
to take our refugees,
nine years later we say yes.
Zelenskyy asks for some of our
Bushmaster armoured vehicles
and we say yes the next day.
So, Albo had a hard act to follow,
particularly given
opposition leader in waiting
Josh Frydenberg stole his thunder
by emphasising several times
that his budget was focused on
easing the cost-of-living pressures
on Australian families.
easing the cost-of-living pressures
My focus is on winning the election.
easing the cost-of-living pressures
Oh, my bad.
Anyway, Albo -
who is looking great, by the way -
tried attacking Josh's budget
with an analogy
reflective of his own obsession
with cosmetic appearance.
Well, this has all the sincerity
of a fake tan.
Of course, there'd be
no need for fake tan
if someone would just
grant the PM's request
to take him to the April sun
in Cuba.
The popularity of leaders aside,
this week's poll
has Labor well ahead,
but what if the PM pulls
another miracle out of his arse -
even a small one that results
in a hung parliament?
If neither party wins enough seats,
what sort of thing might
a blackmailing crossbencher insist
the minority government do
in exchange for their vote?
I would immediately move
to providing a rifle
for every single boy and girl
if they want them -
an armoury in every single school
in Australia.
And just to give some context -
he's from Queensland.
(LAUGHTER)
So, what do you think about
the Bob Katter Young Guns proposal?
Some might say it's inappropriate
for thousands of children
to run around school with rifles,
but would we rather they just
look at their phones all day?
Let's do a straw poll, shall we?
Phones? Or guns?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(LOUDER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, dear. Alright.
Send your answers to us
care of the ABC
and you could win
a Concetta Fierravanti Well,
fully installed in your home,
complete with a lifelike effigy
of Scott Morrison at the bottom.
Mmm, that's karma.
Speaking of which, the PM can't cut
a trick at the moment -
although, if I were him,
it'd be the one
where he tries to control Angus
Taylor using the power of his mind,
because that one
clearly isn't working.
But the inane-stream media
seem to be twitting the PM
for everything that comes out
of his mouth these days,
including this perfectly
reasonable comment
that people having trouble renting
should buy a house instead.
Now, this wasn't some
clueless, out-of-touch,
Marie Antoinette
'let them eat cake' moment,
was it,
former Australian Ballet dancer
but now full-time Marie Antoinette
impersonator at children's parties
because of the lack of support
for the arts in the budget
Wilma Spade-Colander?
Nah, too right, Shaun.
All the PM meant was
that if people are finding the
rental market a bit too expensive,
they should take advantage
of the government's very generous
first home guarantee,
which lowers the minimum deposit
for a mortgage from 20% to 5%
for 50,000 people lucky enough
not to have enough money
or a place to live.
This bloody Marie Antoinette
comparison would only be valid
if when her courtier
had come to her and said,
"The peasants are starving
and have no bread",
she'd replied,
"Well, they should take advantage
"of our first cake-eaters scheme.
"The first 50,000 peasants
who have never eaten cake before
"can borrow some money
and buy a cake for a 5% deposit."
And are people who can't afford the
20% deposit being done any favours
getting into the housing market
just before interest rates
are set to rise?
Well, if the peasant's circumstances
which prevented them
scraping together the other 15%
of the price of the cake
in the first place
means they can't service the loan
because wage growth is stagnant,
inflation is up
and interest rates do rise,
as you say -
which they probably will,
because demand will be up,
owing to the very fact
of the government's scheme -
Marie Antoinette would have gone on
to tell her courtier
to tell the peasants
that they're on their own
and the cake will likely
be repossessed by the bank
in the not too distant future
and sold to someone
who can afford it.
For use as an investment property,
making the rental market
even more difficult to enter
than it was originally.
Well, Shaun, as they say, you can't
have your cake and eat it too,
because of the risk
of negative equity.
Thank you very much.
(APPLAUSE)
Of course, it's not just the media
who've been piling onto our PM
this last week.
who've been piling onto our PM
Or those across the chamber.
People from his own party
have again accused him of things -
not in texts this time,
but in farewell speeches
and sworn depositions.
Terrible things - terrible, awful,
and for a normal politician,
career-destroying things.
But the PM, as we know,
is anything but normal,
and he has denied
even the worst of these allegations
consistently and exhaustively.
No. No. No!
It's very much
a 'they said/he said' situation.
So, who do we believe?
Well, no less an authority -
and it's hard to think of one -
than former prime minister
John Howard
has helpfully weighed in
on the bullying allegation,
saying that the PM may be forceful,
but he is not a bully.
Join Howard joins me
on the line from his home.
Hello, Shaun. Can you hear me?
Am I speaking into the right end?
Yes, you are, Mr Howard.
You say the PM is not a bully?
That is not my experience
of him, Shaun.
And he served as state director
of the New South Wales division
of the Liberal Party
during the last three terms
of my government.
Yes, but you were prime minister,
so he's hardly going to be
a bully to you, is he?
It's like those
scurrilous accusations
that we are a racist country.
That too, as I am
on record as saying,
has not been my experience.
So, therefore,
none of these problems exist?
Exactly.
Nor has Scott Morrison
ever backgrounded against me,
as he has alleged to have done
against Michael Towke
during the preselection battle
for the seat of Cook back in 2007.
And, Shaun, I can lay
my hand on my heart
and say that I have not in my
experience ever been Michael Towke.
Anyway, I've got to go now, Shaun.
Janette wants to switch over
to Ambulance Australia.
OK. Thank you, Mr Howard.
John Howard there,
Australia's oldest and, some say,
living prime minister.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
But I don't think the allegations
of bullying and lying and racism
should detract from the good work
the PM has done this week
on the international stage.
And obviously, I'm not talking
about standing by like an idiot
while Labor Party stooge China
cut his lunch
with Solomon Islands
Prime Minister Sogavare.
Sure, giving him a ukulele is nice,
but you can't land a plane on it,
board a ship from it
or fire missiles out of it,
and this has forced Scott Morrison
to defend his government's role
in the region.
Whenever there is a crisis
or an issue to be dealt with
in the Pacific region,
the first call that's made
is to Australia.
And when the phone rings out,
they call China.
But how do you manage
this problem strategically?
One of the ways you deal with
your Pacific family
is you deal with it as family.
Oh, OK. So, Prime Minister Sogavare,
if you're watching,
you're grounded from going out with
your Chinese friends for two weeks,
your pocket money from Australia
is halved,
and no TV until
you finish your homework.
Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
Anyway, I don't want to talk about
this embarrassing mess
with a Pacific neighbour.
I want to talk about
how great the PM has been
providing our Bushmaster armoured
personnel carriers to Ukraine
to help them
win the war with Russia.
Valet parking attendant for
the defence materials department
Walbin Hecht,
how many are we sending over?
Four. And it's been
a logistical nightmare, Shaun.
Which do I back
out of the shed first?
Do we parallel or angle park
once we've got them into
the C-21 cargo transports?
And what kind of penalty
do we charge the Ukrainians
if they don't fill up the tank
when they return them?
Four doesn't sound that many.
Shaun, we can't leave ourselves
undefended if China attacks us.
We need the other one to hide behind
in the event of an invasion.
What about the insurance
on these Bushmasters?
Do the premiums go up because
they're actually being used now?
You'd have to talk to DFAT
about that, Shaun.
My job is to hose 'em off
when they get back,
Defence looks after what they do
when they get there,
and Foreign Affairs handles
the delicate negotiations as to
whether we deduct the cost of hiring
them out from the aid package.
whether we deduct the cost of hiring
Hold that thought.
Thumbelina Stent,
you are the chief adviser
to our foreign affairs minister,
Marise Payne.
A master of diplomacy, Shaun,
if ever there was one.
Really?
She has to be
when you're working so closely
with Peter Dutton
and Scott Morrison.
Man, what a couple of douchebags.
How much will these Bushmasters
we're sending to Ukraine
cost us, do you think?
They're a mere drop in the ocean,
Shaun.
Are you talking about the cost,
or the Bushmasters themselves
when they fall out of the aeroplane
on the way over?
What does price matter
when we are talking about
the defence of a nation, Shaun?
Well, it certainly
didn't seem to matter
when we cancelled
that submarine contract.
How much was that again?
Um...more than $5 billion.
More than $5 billion for nothing.
Value for money, do you think?
Shaun, the Department
of Foreign Affairs
likes to think of itself
as above politics,
but let me tell you,
those Labor numb-nuts
would have cocked all this up
far worse than we did.
Remember what Scott said last week
about Anthony Albanese...
You know, he knows
the cost of nothing.
Well, I think we all know
the cost of nothing now.
It's more than $5 billion.
Plus interest.
Well, thank you very much,
Thumbelina Stent.
Thank you.
Later, in foreign affairs, we ask,
is China's denial of access
for the Australian ambassador
to the trial of TV presenter
Cheng Lei
just another example of their
"it's my way or Huawei" attitude?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Plus,
controllable magnetic slime robots -
would that have been a far easier
way for Scott Morrison
to get the candidates he wanted
for preselection in New South Wales?
But to finance now,
and, Tosh Greenslade,
some big gains in the ASX today?
That's exactly right, Shaun.
Thanks very much, Tosh.
And can I just say
that Josh Frydenberg has every right
to look as happy as he does about
formulating that budget of his.
On the one hand,
it helps struggling Australians
and on the other, exhibits his
skills as a good economic manager
for the upcoming election,
while on the still further hand,
isn't so good that
the government will actually win,
so that when
Scott Morrison gets dumped,
Josh will get a shot
at the Liberal leadership.
Someone to watch, isn't he,
PM media Medea Donald McEngadine?
Yes, Shaun. Very, VERY closely.
Look at this moment I caught at
their press conference the next day.
You can almost see Josh's soul
being inhaled, Dementor-style,
out of his body.
Fantastic.
What did you make of this comment
by the PM this week?
We see this as economic bullying
and coercion.
I think that's a refreshingly honest
description of the budget, Shaun.
He was actually talking
about China's deal
with the Solomon Islands.
Right. Well, appalling, then.
That sort of behaviour
is indefensible
when you don't have
an election looming.
I guess the big question I have
for you this week, Donald, is,
how did the PM react
to his character reference
from outgoing NSW Liberal senator
Concetta Fierravanti-Wells?
An autocrat, a bully,
who has no moral compass.
Well, Shaun, ScoMo reacted
the way he always reacts
when people he's worked with
call him names
and try and diminish him
unequivocally,
particularly if they're women -
he refers to them
by their first name
and characterises their response
as an emotional one
to a situation that has
nothing to do with him.
So, infantilise her by referring
to her by her first name...
And imply that up until now,
you've been friendly with them.
That's right.
..suggest that what she said
is because 500 other people
didn't want her...
Regardless of the how close
the actual ballot might have been.
..and say
that she took it personally?
You know what women are like, Shaun.
So, the PM
isn't an autocrat or a bully
So, the PM
and has a functioning moral compass?
ScoMo doesn't even know the meaning
of the word 'autocrat', Shaun,
nor do most of the Australians
he's hoping to flim-flam
into voting for him a second time.
As for a moral compass,
who needs one today
when you've got the sort of
instinctive GPS ScoMo has
that gets you to where you need
by the shortest
and most ruthless route necessary
regardless
of who's standing in the way?
And the accusation he's a bully?
Shaun, it's like
Senator Jane Hume, a lady, said -
it's an easy accusation to make.
Easy to make because
there is ample evidence of it?
Shaun, Scott understands that people
will take shots,
although the only ones
that really matter
are the ones taken
by his personal photographer.
Look at this beauty of ScoMo
wandering the bleak
dystopian landscape
of the eighth circle of hell.
Marginal seat?
Pretty safe, I reckon.
What about all this business
about Michael Towke?
Shaun, ScoMo put an end
to all of this back in 2019.
Thank you.
Plus we have the treasurer
on the record saying...
There is not a racist bone
in Scott Morrison's body.
What about the bones in all
the skeletons in his cupboard?
I can't speak for those, Shaun.
I can only speak
on behalf of those bones
inhabiting ScoMo's current
human form.
Not a trace of racism,
and he's willing to sign an X-ray
to that effect.
Still, not everything Senator
Fierravanti-Wells said about the PM
was bad.
In my public life,
I have met ruthless people.
Morrison tops the list.
I mean, it must be nice
to be leading in one poll.
As I and he have said, Shaun,
ScoMo understands
that Connie is disappointed,
just as he understands
Will Smith slapping Chris Rock
and understands
violent anti-vax protesters
and understands how to weld.
(LAUGHTER)
One more question.
Thank you.
OK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Donald McEngadine,
the PM's media Medea.
(APPLAUSE)
Lumbering out of the set
like a bear in search of berries.
VOICEOVER: On this week's
One Plus One,
Barrie Cassidy talks to Brent Crude,
Australia's leading security
verification code provider.
I just make them up, Barrie.
I don't know where they come from.
514378.
7198...35.
I don't know how I do it.
I don't want to analyse it
in case I lose the gift.
342558.
638224.
I don't want to sound big-headed,
but it just comes very easily to me.
That's this week on One Plus One.
723521.
NARRATOR: This great white shark
could kill you.
So could Kevin Desmond Barrett.
It's your choice.
Fascinating.
Dutchie, as someone
who used to work at the Pram Factory
back when it actually made prams
and is still active
in the Wharf Revue today,
corralling the tumbleweeds
after their jokes,
what did you think
of that last sketch?
As I once said
when I was ranting drunk and naked
at an ABC board meeting
back in the '70s,
whether you are part of the woke
left whinging about everything
or stuck in the conservative past,
also whinging about everything,
the collective unconscious
moves inexorably forward...
As a bipedal human woman
guilty of unconscious ableism...
..we are all progressives,
albeit moving at different rates,
simultaneously destroying
and preserving the way we do things
in the hope that things
will magically get better
for whichever group we belong to.
As I was about to interrupt...
Can I just say
that as an ally of women
that I agree
and validate and elevate
whatever that lady was about to say
by talking over the top of her?
Again, I'm afraid not, as we have
happily run out of time. Shaun?
Thank you very much indeed, Ellen.
Well, according to no lesser source
than the government's media centre,
a more flexible approach
to relocation assistance
for short-term harvest workers
has provided a timely boost
to Queensland's farm workforce.
But don't take their word for it.
With some timely advice
for jobseekers,
here's celebrity accountant and
the federal government's ambassador
for keeping the unemployment figures
down in the lead-up to the election,
Davey Plum.
Davey.
Are they all here?
Well, there are density limits
because of COVID.
I'm going anyway.
OK.
You call yourself jobseekers,
you sons of bitches?
'Cause the bad news is
we're all gonna be jobseekers
unless we can keep
the unemployment rate down
to a figure with a fuckin' 3
in front of it.
The good news is that if you do
two weeks of agricultural work
in a regional area,
the government will give you $2,000.
$4,000 more if you do
120 hours of work - $6,000.
And all for picking A - apples,
B - bananas, C - carrots.
And how? R-A-T-U-J.
Relocation assistance
to take up a job.
Stuart Robert and David Littleproud
paid good money for this scheme.
Pick the fruit
and pick up $3 an hour.
The fruit's lying around on the
trees waiting for you to pick it.
You don't,
I have no sympathy for you.
I can go out there tonight
and make myself $15.
Tonight. In five hours.
Can you? You know what it takes
to pick fruit?
It takes a pulse to pick fruit.
A pulse and no other options.
Back to you, Shaun,
you fuckin' cocksucker.
Thank you very much, Davey Plum.
Davey.
So, what do we do with
what little money we have
to ensure the best return
on our investment?
Why am I asking you when I'm asking
the question on your behalf?
You can't answer back anyway,
and presumably you don't know.
Wendell, help me out here.
It's so confusing.
It sure is, Shaun,
and that's why I'm here to help.
I know. This is not a real
conversation. It's an advertorial.
Let's look at the best places
to have put your money
over the last five years.
OK.
If you'd invested in gold
in 2017, for example,
you would have seen a 50% increase
on your investment.
Wow.
If instead, though, you had invested
your money in iron ore,
you would have seen your investment
increase 180%.
That's amazing.
But if in 2017
you had instead invested $3,500
towards the Liberal National Party,
and you were from
Canstruct International,
a company worth just $8 with no
staff, no assets and no revenue...
Yes?
..you wouldn't have gained anything,
because, as the company's
chief executive recently explained:
That's disappointing.
Although if in 2017
you'd proven yourself to be
a great listener
of one of those MPs,
you'd have now been awarded,
without a proper tender process,
$1.5 billion in contracts.
Fuck me sideways!
Plus dinner.
Proving that the best investment
of the last five years
was in friendship.
Thank you very much, Wendell.
And please accept on our behalf
your own card.
Great! I like this one.
And coming up, a besieged leader
surrounded by yes-men
makes concessions in areas
he'd previously targeted
in an effort to save face.
Plus, a besieged leader
surrounded by yes-men
makes concessions in areas
he'd previously targeted
in an effort to save face.
Well, the question of
"Who is Anthony Albanese?"
has been well and truly answered
by the man himself
getting out and about
in the community this week
to let voters know what he's doing.
(PLAYFUL VOICE) I'm running for
prime minister.
OK.
So many things to unpack here.
Um, he's doing a voice
as if the dog is speaking,
but has the dog saying that IT'S
running for prime minister.
Whose idea was that?
OK. Very good. Great idea.
Now, the government's decision to
cut the fuel excise for six months
is, according to shadow treasurer
Jim Chalmers,
a trap for the next government.
But that's only if that next
government is Labor, surely?
Well, it's a trap we are not
going to fall into, Shaun.
How?
You can't fall into a trap
for the next government
if you're not the next government,
can you?
Yes, but...
Politics is a long game, Shaun,
and the last thing we want
is to take over right when
the government wants us to.
Exactly. We need to take over
when they least expect it.
And when would that be?
When they least expect it.
Scrape the vanilla candle wax
out of your ears, soy boy.
It'd be when they have a popular
leader with ideas for the future
and a cabinet
capable of implementing them.
So, it could be a while.
A long, long while.
Then, when they least expect it...
And just when Australia is resigned
to having yet another below-average
Coalition government
led by incompetent
and/or nakedly corrupt boobs...
Pow!
We change leaders
and start all over again.
Well, thank you very much,
Team Albo!
Well, energy and, incredibly,
at the same time,
emissions reduction minister
Angus Taylor
has defended the $1 billion
taxpayer-funded carbon credit scheme
which has been accused of fraud.
The Emissions Reduction Fund -
also known as ERF,
because that's the noise you make
when you suddenly realise
what's going on -
is allegedly in the business
of fake carbon reductions.
Caretaker of overlooking completely
one of Angus Taylor's portfolios
Dichotomy August,
are carbon reduction credits real,
or are we just imagining them
because we're descending
into madness?
Let me explain to you how they work.
The Morrison government allows
developers of
emissions reduction projects
to sell their so-called abatement
on the open market,
thus creating hundreds
of million-dollar windfalls
for this country's carbon traders
as they trade in carbon offsets.
And presumably reduce
carbon emissions as well?
Yes, it reduces the need
for investment
in expensive carbon emission
projects, like capture and storage.
Well, reducing the projects
that reduce emissions
isn't quite the same as
reducing emissions, is it?
In fact, it's the opposite.
Let me explain it again.
You own some land, OK?
You plant some trees
or you don't clear some trees -
it doesn't matter.
For every one tonne of carbon
stored in that tree,
you get two carbon credits.
You can sell the credits
to the government
for cash money at a fixed price,
or you can sell them for more
on the open market
to corporate buyers
looking for carbon offsets
so they can meet
their carbon-neutral commitments.
Are we clear?
Crystal.
But isn't the problem that
people are not cutting down trees
they weren't going to
cut down anyway
and are growing trees
that are already there
and they're getting carbon credits
for basically doing nothing?
I have neither the time nor
the inclination to explain myself
to a man who works
for an organisation
that powers its cameras
and microphones
with affordable energy
that Angus provides,
and then questions the manner
in which he provides it!
I would rather you just said
thank you and went on your way.
Otherwise, I suggest you pick up
a solar panel or a wind turbine
and go stand in a field somewhere.
Either way, I don't give a damn
what you think!
Did Angus get that Clover Moore PDF
from Alan Jones?
You're goddamn right he did!
Alright. Thank you very much,
Dichotomy.
VOICEOVER: Hughes Road.
This week on Back Roads.
Welcome back. With the Department
of Home Affairs
set to establish
a domestic terrorist register,
will we have to use it,
or could we still buy gifts from
other places that might be cheaper?
Winifreda Bubon investigates.
Neo-Nazis. Are they much
of an improvement on the old ones?
Semi-regular character
Larry Sideburns admits
to flirting with a number
of objectionable things
throughout his life,
including his wife, Evadne.
I'm off.
Most recently, though, it's been
the Australian chapter
of the extreme right-wing
online hate group
Sons (and Daughters)
of Ultra-White Supremacy.
It's an outrageous slur to suggest
that we've got anything to do with
Nazism, isn't it, mein Liebchen?
Damn straight.
I mean, yes, we like
reading about history,
and, yes, some of that
is World War II,
particularly the Axis powers,
but are we supposed to avoid
reading Mein Kampf
and watching Triumph Of The Will
and buying illegal Iron Crosses
on the dark web
just because some virtue-signalling,
ABC-watching snowflakes
have decided to cancel Hitler?
Gelbwurst and sauerkraut?
Ooh, thank you.
Last time I looked,
we were living in a free country
where you could do anything
you wanted with impunity.
It's political correctness
gone (BLEEP) -
although I suppose you're not even
allowed that anymore either.
Larry works part-time
cleaning the blood off bulldozers
at the local abattoir,
and in the name of
workplace sensibility,
wears his replica SS uniform
UNDER his clothes.
During lunch and tea breaks, though,
he will often scream at his
coworkers through a megaphone,
despite management insisting
it be switched off
and that he yell
mainly about Buddhism.
It's important to have
boundaries, I think.
Someone wants to be able to
eat their cheese in certain way
or have their hair a certain colour,
that's fine.
As long as I don't
have to understand it,
we should tolerate it.
That Larry brings up a lot of good
points is neither here nor there.
It's like what Voltaire says -
"Keep the bloodlines pure
and there won't be any trouble."
Workplace inclusivity is important
here at Caspar's Islamic Halal Death
to the Infidels Slaughterhouse,
which he bought
from a friend's uncle
who had his citizenship revoked
by Peter Dutton
and was sent back to Syria
for fighting with ISIS
over a parking space.
I was gonna change the name
to Happy Farm Organic Lamb,
but I didn't want to trigger
those single-origin latte-sipping
green left activists
and have them gluing themselves
all over my driveway.
Although I respect their right
to have their view.
Hitler was vegetarian.
He sounds like a nice man.
Each weekend, Larry goes on
a camping holiday to the Grampians
with others from
his online chatroom.
LARRY: We train and learn how to
assemble weapons while blindfolded
and go swimming together.
Then we post pictures of ourselves
on the internet
for the news bulletins to use
when everyone complains about us.
It's freedom of expression
in a pluralistic society
and it seems to work.
Jasmine Fart from one of
the Home Affairs Department's
many hundreds of cybersecurity
surveillance teams agrees.
We are born with certain
inalienable natural rights
which we agree to curb
or give up entirely
in return for having
what remains of those rights
protected from people like us.
And people are OK with that?
If anyone has a problem with it,
they have every right to raise it.
They can raise it on TV
with Peter Dutton,
and he will accuse them of
wanting to protect paedophiles.
and he will accuse them of
Usually shuts 'em the fuck up.
and he will accuse them of
One more question, if I may...
and he will accuse them of
Paedophile!
and he will accuse them of
Winifreda Bubon, Mad As Hell.
and he will accuse them of
Hmm. Well, not coming up
because Tomorrow Tonight
is on in a minute...
Cost of Prince Andrew's
legal settlement
forces family members to busk.
New version of water polo
not very interesting.
And Kim Jong-un fires missile
at menswear store
that sold him
this vinyl bomber jacket.
And finally, how did
Senator Fierravanti-Wells's
Liberal party colleagues react
to her budget night blow-up?
Well, reactions ranged
from "Oh, Christ, not again"
to this
from Senator Hollie Hughes.
I'm not quite sure
'dignity' and 'grace'
will be two words
that follow her out the door.
Exactly, because they'd have to
have been in the building
in the first place.
Goodbye.
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation