Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 14, Episode 9 - Episode #14.9 - full transcript

Hey, it's going to be very difficult
for Shaun Micallef

to be able to send this up.

# Wiki-wiki-wah
Wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah

# Wah-wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah-wah

(THEME MUSIC)

# Wiki-wah

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

Thank you very much. Thank you.

OK, now, who watched the budget
last night?

Everybody? OK, that's great.
(LAUGHTER)



But I wonder,
will the hit of red cordial

the treasurer served
to low- to middle-income earners

be enough to have us all still
excited and not thinking straight

when we come to vote
on election day?

Or will we have crashed
from our sugar high

and just vote Labor 'cause we're
too tired to do anything else?

(LAUGHTER)
Well, with the recent polls

suggesting a drop in key support

for the prime minister -
Scott Morrison -

the government have this last week

been not so much rearranging
the deckchairs on the Titanic

as pulling them up
and fastening them onto the iceberg

with welding equipment.
(LAUGHTER)

As a kind of infrastructure project.



For example, last week,
the PM was up in Brisbane

dangling a carrot in front of
the Queensland donkey voters,

announcing a series of
infrastructure projects

for the south-east of the state,

saying the federal, state and local
governments will all chip in,

but on one condition...

REPORTER: All three levels of
government will contribute funding,

but the prime minister dies...

(LAUGHTER)

I...I did, uh...
(APPLAUSE)

That is commitment.

I just did not know he was that
passionate about infrastructure.

But I'll say one thing for the PM -
whether it's mopping the floors,

packing food hampers

or arranging flowers,

Scott Morrison is the first
prime minister we've had

to be available on Airtasker.

(LAUGHTER)

And can I say
to all the cynics out there

who love disputing
everything the PM says...

We can see a bully when we see them.

Try disputing that.

(LAUGHTER)

And it's not just the inner-city,
latte-sipping types

the government are dangling carrots
in front of.

Outer-city, billy-tea-slurping folks
vote as well,

and the federal government
is throwing

a whole bunch of carrots at them -

in fact, $750 million worth
to boost regional internet speeds,

because, as a person
on the telly said...

We are seeing unprecedented demand
for broadband connectivity.

Though, not much demand,
it seems, for necktie connectivity.

(LAUGHTER)

But to give this some context -

not this, no, the other thing
we're talking about -

the Libs said they would deliver
the NBN for $29.5 billion,

but it's actually cost
about $57 billion.

And NBN Co have even had
the audacity

to boast about this cost blow-out
on the side of their vans.

Look at that! "Made for More"!
(LAUGHTER)

It would have been cheaper to roll
out French submarines to the node.

Still, I'm quibbling -
carrots are carrots,

and the cherry on top of the carrot
on the pork barrel cake

was last night's budget.

And I don't want
to take anything away

from what was a wonderful evening.

It made the Oscars look like

a bloated, self-important
waste of time.

Although, I did keep waiting
for someone to get up

and punch someone else
in the mouth,

but the speaker, Andrew Wallace,
runs a pretty tight ship these days,

and anyway, I think Barnaby was in
the toilet for most of the evening.

(LAUGHTER)

My only quibble is
that they'd already made

all the interesting announcements
beforehand.

For example, in the previous week,
the treasurer told us...

Australia's unemployment rate

is now at 4%,

the equal lowest

in 48 years.

Also at its lowest in 48 years
is the treasurer's talking speed.

(LAUGHTER)

Now down to six words per minute.

So, Josh, if you're watching,

that pace is fine
for a Terrence Malick film,

but not for a budget speech.

Can I suggest if you do get to do
one of these again

that you have a break in the middle
to relieve -

and please don't take this the wrong
way - the stultifying boredom...

(LAUGHTER)

..and, you know, pick up the pace
a bit? Something along these lines.

('GET RIGHT' PLAYS)

# Huh! Let's get it!

And then, you know, back to you

and your forecast on net debt
as a percentage of GDP.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, if by some miracle
or Job-like test of our faith

the LNP wins the election,
I guess we can expect

a pretty swift Norman Bates-like
slashing of public spending.

Something I'd like
to examine further

with former adviser to former
finance minister Mathias Cormann

Darius Horsham, now Mad As Hell's
very own Financy Boy.

# Fi-Fi-Fi-Financy Boy, Financy Boy

# Mad As Hell Financy Boy

# Ow! #

Shaun, you make me look
like an economic girlie man!

Darius, the logic of welfare cuts -

reducing payments to the unemployed,
for example -

is that it will spur those
without jobs to look for work,

thus boosting growth.

Could this approach
be applied by business

to cut wages to staff entirely,
thereby spurring them

to grow their own food
and make their own clothing?

Exactly.

Also by the RSPCA to stop
accepting abandoned animals,

thus spurring the creatures
to find their own shelter.

Look what can-do capitalism
has achieved

in aged care services alone -

which is often how
many of its patients end up dying.

Shaun, it's a jungle out there
and we should cut it down,

not to create some politically
correct, woke level playing field,

but to let businesses develop
the high-density residential housing

we will need to get out of
the unrelenting heat of the sun,

which global warming will only
make hotter and more fiery

because of fuel loads and arsonists.

And we should also remember that for
lower- and middle-income earners,

things like lowering the fuel excise
and the tax offset

are only temporary measures.

Yes, just to see everybody
through the tough times.

And when you say "everybody",
you mean everybody in government?

And when I say "tough times",
I mean the election campaign.

Right. Darius Horsham there.
I certainly am.

Alright, well...
(LAUGHTER)

..coming up, uh...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Darius.

Coming up a little later on,
does the existence of a Matt Canavan

imply the existence
of a High-Gloss Canavan?

(LAUGHTER)

If you think you know the answer,

send it to us care of the ABC
and you could win

a Sally Sara Siri Sari Silo.

(LAUGHTER)

Ask questions of and store
all your female Indian garments

in this giant metal tower
built in honour

of ABC Radio's most alliterative
and sibilant World Today presenter,

normally valued at $150,000.

Also comes with a free can
of Sally Sara Sorry Solo

to apologise for
a hard-earned thirst

at the end of
a hard day's work.

Mmm, that's...
very difficult to say.

Mmm, that's...
(LAUGHTER)

Well, slowly slowly catchee monkey -

not just good advice
on how to catch a monkey,

but pretty much the mantra

our government lulls itself to sleep
with every night and day.

Just nine years after New Zealand

wrote down their offer
to take 450 of our refugees,

popped it into a bottle
and tossed it in the ocean,

it's somehow washed up on the shores
of Lake Burley Griffin,

where it was discovered by
home affairs minister Karen Andrews

while kitesurfing.
(LAUGHTER)

But I don't want you to think

that just because our government
has accepted New Zealand's offer

that we're suddenly going all soft
on asylum seekers.

Far from it - the hardness
of their arses has not waned.

The fact of the matter is

that we were blackmailed
into this humane approach

by none other than
Senator Jacqui Lambie,

who cut a secret deal with Scott
Morrison to release the refugees.

Yet even now, the government

would not confirm or deny if any
deals were done with senators -

although, I can confirm
that they did DENY deals were done,

with the PM telling reporters
there was no secret deal.

Corflute feng shui adviser
to the PM Draymella Burt,

Labor has pointed out
that back in 2018, the PM said,

"New Zealand's offer
to resettle refugees

"would see people smugglers
restart their evil trade."

Have we now signed some 'evil trade'
agreement with these smugglers?

Well, the prime minister leads
a pro-business government,

and post-pandemic,
he's about getting

as many businesses as possible
up and running again.

People smuggling might not be
exactly what he had in mind,

but as they say,
a rising tide lifts all boats.

(LAUGHTER)

What about the denials, though,
at the time?

Both the PM and even the leader
of the Senate Mathias Cormann

said there was no secret deal.

Well, I can only prevaricate
on behalf of Scott.

If you want
a wind-down-the-clock non-answer

on behalf of Mathias Cormann, you'll
have to ask face-ache over there.

Alright. Darius?
(LAUGHTER)

No, I'm really only here
to make jokes about Josh's budget.

Yeah, but Jacqui Lambie says
there WAS a secret deal.

In fact, she says the prime minister
kept the details of the agreement

in a safe in Parliament House.

That doesn't mean they were secret.

Anybody with the combination

or some basic safe-cracking skills
or some gelignite

could easily have got into the safe

and read the details
of the arrangement.

Jacqui says that
it's a "secret safe".

What is that? A secret safe?
Yeah.

The one hidden behind
the life-size portrait

of Robert Menzies in his office
that you open by pressing

the 'I Stopped These' refugee boat
trophy on the bookshelf?

Ha ha! That's not a secret safe!
Oh.

That's a walk-in wardrobe

where he keeps his collection
of baseball caps - 2,000 of them -

and the colour printer
for his spreadsheets.

Oh, it's also where he keeps
the coffin Stuart Robert sleeps in.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, Jacqui said that
she wanted to make sure

everybody who wasn't a security risk
was "off those bloody islands"

and that she wanted to "put a boot
up the PM's bloody clacker".

Mmm. Well, you'd have to
ask her about that.

The only secret deal
Mathias knew anything about

was the one where he got recommended
for the OECD job

if he agreed to roll
Malcolm Turnbull.

Alright. Well, thank you.
Hold that thought.

I'm sorry, Emily,
would you mind just changing

into your Jacqui Lambie adviser
character for a moment?

Well, it's a big wardrobe
and make-up change.

Well, we're happy to wait.

Oh.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

She, uh...she won't be very long.

(WHISTLES)
(LAUGHTER)

So, is Mathias enjoying being
secretary-general of the OECD?

I never hear from him.
(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, here she is now.
Here she is now.

Prisecco Mule,
elocution and deportment consultant

at the Jacqui Lambie Network,

Jacqui says that
she was threatened with jail

if she didn't keep
the secret deal secret.

Why has she chosen to speak now

and to say "bloody" so much
as she does?

Oh, to be honest with you,

Jacqui just wanted to put
a bloody boot up his bloody clacker

and get the bloody job done.

I mean, she wasn't gonna sit there
across from the PM

and be bloody intimidated
into not bloody saying anything.

I mean, maybe now that it's out

and he's the one
who's told everyone about it,

he can bloody well
go to bloody jail.

You know? Go and put that
on your bloody TV show!

You know? Go and put that
That'd give him a warning.

You know? Go and put that
Or, as Jacqui herself would say...

Go and put that
on your bloody TV show.

That'll give him a warning.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Great.

Thank you very much, Pris.

Now, could you go and change
back into Draymella now?

Oh, bloody hell!
(LAUGHTER)

She won't...she won't take as long,

because we're actually using
an editing trick... Oh, here she is.

Draymella, can I ask you
about the G20

that the PM will be attending in
October, assuming he's still the PM,

and the question of whether Vladimir
Putin should be allowed to attend,

assuming he's still around as well?

The PM said, and I quote...

The idea of sitting around a table
with Vladimir Putin,

for me, is...is...
is a...is a step too far.

Now, surely,
going by this photograph,

it's quite a few steps too far?
(LAUGHTER)

Well, I say let him attend.

Put him in a room with the other 19
leaders and let 'em go the biff.

Call it a 'special
pugilistic operation'.

Half an hour locked in a room

with the likes of Jair Bolsonaro,
Olaf Scholz and Ursula von der Leyen

would be far more effective
than those flaccid flogs in NATO.

(LAUGHTER)
Alright, and finally,

the 70,000 tonnes of coal
we're sending to Ukraine?

Oh, let me guess.

You and your tree-kissing pervert
mates here at the politburo

think Ukraine should have gone
all renewable.

That we should have sent them
some wind turbines

or - cut out the middleman -
a boatload of sunshine.

No, but Ukraine has
730,000 tonnes of coal left,

which is only enough
for 15 to 20 days of power,

and we're only sending them
a tenth of that amount.

You think we should have
sent them more?

Well, it's just that
when the PM said

our coal would
"power the resistance",

he didn't make it clear
he only meant for an afternoon.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, we could open up
a few more mines if you like.

It'd be nice to have somewhere warm

to send you and Humphries
and Pickering - other than hell -

to work for the dole
instead of here at Ultimo

cranking out your peanut-based
meatless sausages.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, but at least then
the government could actually claim

to be helping Ukraine.

Look, Keith Pitt rang
and asked Whitehaven Coal,

a Liberal Party donor,
for $31 million of taxpayers' money

out of the goodness of his heart.

I don't see you getting off your fat
arse and doing anything like that.

No, that's because we're
the superior economic managers.

There aren't too many people
who could turn $140,000 in donations

into $31 million in sales.

Well, why not approach
other mining companies?

Maybe you could have got the coal
at a cheaper price.

Well, as Keith said, Shaun,
Whitehaven was the first company

to give a positive response
to the request.

What, so once you've got
one quote, you stop?

Exactly. It's the same media advice
we give to Keith,

just to make sure
he doesn't say too much.

You can see how it might look like
a political donor buying a favour.

Nonsense. It looks like a political
party RETURNING a favour.

Anyway, Keith Pitt
is like Caesar's wife.

What, dead since 69 BC?

Beyond reproach.
Oh, I see.

Let's face it, when you're so deep
in the pockets of the coal industry

that you're basically
their left nut,

there's nothing more
for them to offer you.

And you're worried
that saying this out aloud

might mean resource companies
stop donating to you?

Of course we're worried. We're in a
perpetual state of anxiety about it.

If they ever work out they don't
actually need to buy us off,

the jig is up.

Which is why we have to
give these companies

a $31 million contract,
sight unseen,

in the hopes that they funnel
a few more thousand back

sometime before the next election.

Well, thank you very much,
Draymella,

and please accept on our behalf

this picture of Vladimir Putin
at a table.

Ooh, yes, I'll have that.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Now, uh...
Very nice.

It is nice, isn't it?
Mmm.

Alright, well, speaking of war,
a key supporter of Anthony Albanese

has been in the headlines
this week...

(LAUGHTER)

..setting out a security agreement
with the Solomon Islands

that will give Beijing
a base for its navy

less than 2,000 kilometres
off Australia's coast.

Well, I guess China's new ambassador
to Australia did say...

China is willing
to work with Australia

to meet each other halfway.

And the Solomon Islands
is even closer than that.

So, that's a good sign, isn't it?
(LAUGHTER)

And it's good news
for the Solomon Islands too,

as apparently the agreement
will enable them to request China

to send military personnel
and armed forces to their country.

And we could also soon see
a similar arrangement

between China and Taiwan,

without even the need for Taiwan to
request China send in armed forces.

But is a base
for the Chinese military

only five minutes from Cairns

if you're travelling
by hypersonic missile

anything to worry about?

And what can Australia do
to protect itself if there is,

Vice Rear Cabin Boy Sir Bobo Gargle?

If you can't beat them,
join them, I say.

What else can Australia do
to defend itself,

apart from switching sides
or nothing?

Well, Shaun, if we don't want
to become a part

of the fastest growing nation
in the world, then we must fight.

Fight like we did
on the beaches of Gallipoli.

What, ineffectively?

Fight like we did at Pearl Harbor
and the Battle of Stalingrad.

We weren't there.
Exactly, Shaun.

We've got to face up to the fact
that we're done for.

As a military force, we're very good
at helping with the hard rubbish

up in flood-affected areas
when we get around to it,

and catching COVID on our way
to drop off aid to Tonga,

and force-feeding those few
who still remain alive

in our aged care
Soylent Green facilities,

but what else are our fighting men
and, to a lesser extent, women

good for apart from
the occasional hazing ritual

or putting them in a queue
to give evidence

at the Ben Roberts-Smith trial?

The document about
the Solomon Islands-China agreement

was leaked on social media...

Yes, yes, yes,
but we already knew about that.

Oh, how so?
Oh, we have our ways, Shaun.

Ah. There it is.

These little transmission devices
we used to spy on Timor-Leste

and our other
close Pacific family members.

Alright, what do you make
of the fact

that China has been sending
the Solomon Islands fake guns?

Well, I just hope they weren't
the ones WE ordered,

or I shall be sending
a very strongly worded letter

to the manager of
the Kwuang Lee Smoo Novelty Company.

(LAUGHTER)

Just to say hi.
Mmm.

(LAUGHTER)
Dammit!

Well, Bobo, thank you very much
for coming along tonight

and answering our questions
to the best of your ability.

Please accept on our behalf

a piping hot
Andrew Hastie Tasty Pastry.

The ideal meal during
the breaks in giving evidence

in the Ben Roberts-Smith
defamation trial.

Mmm! Yummy!
Yeah.

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VOICEOVER: Next up, which
outback family has the most snakes?

With Regional Content.

Followed by a battle

for whatever limited tertiary
education funding there is available

in University Challenge.

And later, Dame Elisabeth
takes us on a tour

of Cruden Farm's Shipbreaking Yards.

Felt-Hoop, your thoughts
on that sketch?

Oh! Laughter is a luxury
for those with white privilege...

White MALE privilege.

Yes, I was about to say that.
White male privilege.

OLD white male privilege.

So, the ironic elevation
of inconsequential things

into problems of comic concern
is an old white male thing?

Mmm, mmm. Yes, yes. Yes, exactly.

Whereas the comedy trope of treating
major life problems with flippancy

is more the cultural playground
of people of colour.

Speaking on behalf of all the races

that are unrepresented
on this panel,

can I just say,
I think they would be annoyed

at me nodding along earnestly
at everything they were saying

if they were here and allowed
to speak for themselves.

if they were here and allowed
No, I'm afraid we don't have time.

And speaking of old white male
things, back to you, Shaun.

(LAUGHTER)
Thank you very much indeed, Ellen.

Now, while the prime minister
was up in Queensland last week

shoring up his popularity with the
notoriously fickle animal kingdom

and making us all go "aww"
by hugging a koala

because all the babies
had refused...

(LAUGHTER)

..defence minister Peter Dutton was
scaring the living bejesus out of us

with talk of China "mounting
an unprecedented digital onslaught"

and that we are "in the crosshairs".

And obviously a couple of crosshairs

would really spoil the look,
I think.

(LAUGHTER)

But mere earthly matters cannot
satisfy Mr Dutton's lust for power,

hence his launch last week
of an Australian Space Command

because of our need for
a Space Force in the future.

And the thing i...

Sorry, could we change the picture
of Peter Dutton to the moon, please?

Oh, we have? Oh, sorry.
I beg your pardon.

(LAUGHTER)

Given the massive financial
commitment that this will involve,

the remarkable thing here is
that space isn't a marginal seat.

(LAUGHTER)

Although, even if it was,

in space, no-one can hear you
scream "pork-barrelling".

Mr Dutton explained that...

Australia's Defence Space Command
will initially be modest.

..before gradually becoming
more boastful and cocky.

(LAUGHTER)

And just as we've done with tanks,
fighter jets and submarines,

Australia will invest in
new military space capabilities,

so you can expect to see
these state-of-the-art babies
Australia will invest in
new military space capabilities,

delivered by 3025.

Brion Pegmatite,
you have Peter Dutton's ear -

in a piece of tissue paper under
your pillow, as I understand it.

Have you told him that China
might have the edge on us

in terms of conquering the moon,
given that they plan

sending a crewed mission and
building a lunar base on it by 2024?

Space Command is all about doing
what Australia does best, Shaun.

Taking a dead and desolate expanse
of dry, treeless dirt

and digging stuff up out of it
to sell to China.

But China will have already
been there for 50 years

before AUKUS start even building
our rocket ships.

Shaun, it's all a question
of deluding ourselves,

and if the 220-year history of this
country has taught us anything,

it's that we can go somewhere,

pretend that no-one else
is inhabiting the place,

and then colonise it.

(UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER)

The PM is across this, though...
(SNARLS)

..and he said:

(LAUGHTER)

In what way are we
any of those things?

(LAUGHTER)

Shaun, we're a "launch nation"

in that we launched
our new space program,

we're a "space nation" in that the
announcement occupied some space

in various newspapers
and television broadcasts,

and we're an "astronaut nation"
because of Andy Thomas that time.

One guy hardly makes us
an astronaut nation.

What about the other 26 million
people who don't get to float around

trying to squirt peanut butter
out of a tube?

We can dream, Shaun.

And Peter wants to be a part
of those dreams.

Like Freddy Krueger?

Peter's announcement of
Space Command makes Scott Morrison's

launch/space/astronaut nation
announcement

sound like a malfunctioning
Speak & Spell toy

operated by a lobotomised gorilla.

Check out Peter's call to arms

and tell me he won't one day make
the greatest bald prime minister

this country has seen
since Billy McMahon.

So, friends, to that end,

it's my great pleasure today
to officially announce

the stand-up of Australia's
Defence Space Command.

OK, two things.

When Peter Dutton says "friends", is
he referring to his imaginary ones

or ones he hopes to meet
in space one day,

presumably in the egg chamber
on board the Nostromo?

And secondly, when he announces

the "stand-up of Australia's
Defence Space Command",

will it be appearing

in the Melbourne International
Comedy Festival?

Peter's days in government
may be numbered, Shaun,

and Josh Frydenberg
may well get to wear

the prime ministerial baseball cap

in the post-election
leadership spill that follows,

but you and your kind
here at Woke Central

will be laughing out the other side
of your preferred pronouns

when Peter is king of the moon!

Xi Jinping will fall
to his knees before him,

Putin will worship him as a god,

and I shall dance before him
as a willing slave

manacled by the neck to the wall...

('THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA' PLAYS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Well, good luck with it all, Brion.
(LAUGHTER)

Brion Pegmatite, everybody.
Peter Dutton's star-child!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you, Brion.

Well, still to come, we check in
and see how things are going

with efforts to bring
the Tasmanian tiger back to life.

# Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey

# Hello, my ragtime gal

# Send me a kiss by wire

# Baby, my heart's on fire... #

Plus, the PM proves that
he doesn't have a woman problem.

Well, you're a good-looking girl.

(LAUGHTER)

To aged care now...

(ABC NEWS STING)

And, uh... Thank you very much.

And in news just to hand,

police in Adelaide make
a $1.6 million cocaine bust.

Seems a bit of a waste.

Surely marble or bronze
would have been cheaper.

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)
But right now, a, uh...

(APPLAUSE)

But right now, a very special report
from our new media partner -

alt-right Canadian news vlog
RebelNews 'reporter' Herve Jiminy.

Herve, who have you been annoying
today by claiming to be a journalist

when in fact you're just someone
with a microphone, a camera

and no self-awareness?

Shaun, today I've been annoying

a woman trying to eat a sandwich
outside of a shop,

some policemen trying to move on
a crowd at a rally,

and a bunch of guys shouting at me
out of a passing car

after I threw an egg at them.

Well, sounds like it will provide us
with the balance

critics of the ABC
have been baying for.

Let's have a look at the tape.

Oh...mate, did you want me
to record it?

Yes!
Oh, my bad.

What would have been
the point otherwise?

Nah, we were at cross-purposes.

My bodyguards told me the kind of
thing you were after, right,

but they didn't make clear
that you wanted it on tape.

Dimi, you fucking idiot, mate!
What would have been the point...

Why would you think
I wanted you to go around

making a nuisance of yourself
for no reason?

I thought it was a power thing

and you kind of got off on it
or some shit.

Herve Jiminy there from RebelNews...

Never mind about
traffic control, Dimi!

You fucking made me look
like a stooge, mate!

(CRASH!)

(APPALLED LAUGHTER)

..our regular correspondent
on alt-right issues this series,

unless we get a complaint

about Tosh's, frankly,
racist portrayal of him.

Then, of course, we'll just drop
the character completely.

Thank you, Herve.

VOICEOVER:
Remember Queen Elizabeth's

first visit to Australia?

Or the disappearance
of Prime Minister Holt?

Don't worry if you can't,

because ABC TV has a bottomless pit
of archival-footage documentaries

utilising every frame of vision
ever recorded by an ABC camera.

Marvel at how the world has changed,

delight in the tiny budgets required
to make these documentaries,

and reconsider whether
your decision to re-elect

the government responsible for the
budget cuts behind these programs

was such a good idea.

Featuring leader tape,

damaged film stock

and old test patterns,

this series explores the growth
of a nation so economically

that an algorithm
could have made it.

This Sunday, a look back at
Australians Laughing For No Reason.

On ABC and iview.

Welcome back. Well, who are we,
and why are we like we are?

It's hard to believe

that it was only halfway
through the last century

that Prime Minister Robert Menzies

surrendered the sovereignty of this
country to intergalactic visitors,

just one of hundreds
of world leaders

to submit to the alien domination
of our planet.

Whether these creatures
were invaders

or whether no-one was technically
inhabiting the earth

in the first place,
we'll leave to the culture wars.

What's important is that we are no
longer free to determine our future.

Pam Crouton has more.

PAM CROUTON: The aliens
poisoned our minds

and we went from being
a benevolent and loving people

given only to occasional
bouts of racism

to the inhuman monsters

bent on self-destruction
in the name of consumption

that we are today.

Some say that our insatiable craving
for material possessions

regardless of the cost
is a good thing,

that we are better off
for having been colonised.

Others pine for the days

when things - and we ourselves -
were simple,

quite happy in our ignorance

and content with a life
of boring sustainability.

Now that we want
to throw off the shackles

of our alien oppressors, though,
how do we go about it?

One of the advantages of living
in a progressive society
of our alien oppressors, though,
how do we go about it?

is that you can see how much
you've lost because of it.
of our alien oppressors, though,
how do we go about it?

If these bastards hadn't
have come here,

not only would we not have
had to give up so much,

but we wouldn't even be aware of it.

The knock-on effect
of the conquest of Earth

is that the descendants
of our interstellar conquerors -

like Luke and Betty here -
feel guilty about it.

We've been living among humans...

Is it offensive to call them that?

Probably.
You can't say anything these days.

Anyway, we've been here
for generations,

and while I agree
we should dismantle the system

that enables
the enslavery of mankind

and re-engineer everyone's brain
back to when they were less selfish

and return immediately
to our home planet,

I wonder how practical,
not to mention irresponsible,

that would be.

(SHOUTS) Number 23! Thanks, love.

I mean, these earthlings...

Oh! Can we call them that?

Don't think so. Everything we say
is wrong, apparently.

How do they expect to survive
without us

on their now
almost completely plundered...

Oh! Friggin' salt!

..half-dead planet
without us to help them?

There are those, though,
who aren't so irritatingly woke.

Their lives are much better
for us being here.

They're richer,

most of them no longer have
imaginary belief systems,

sexuality is non-binary,
most things are known or knowable,

and their natural empathy for each
other has been rationalised away,

with logic and reason
constantly telling them

that private vices
lead to public benefit.

If they hadn't moved on
from their primitive, do-gooder,

bleeding-heart, kumbaya,
ANZAC bullshit,

they never would have
accomplished anything.

But what does humankind itself
think? Assuming it does.

Oh! Creatures from outer space,
the Labor Party,

some sort of sentient tree -
it doesn't matter who's in charge.

They're all the bloody same.

I say tear down the 5G towers,
don't get vaccinated,

and stop selling China
our baby formula.

Well, not coming up because Tomorrow
Tonight is on in a minute...

Remember Antarctic ice? You'll never
guess what it looks like now.

And, "I've never felt better
in my life" -

MRI clears Carlton midfielder
Patrick Cripps to play on Saturday.

And finally, part of Anthony
Albanese's pitch to voters is this.

This government makes announcements
and then nothing happens!

And in the context of the election,

that could be
the government's best hope.

(LAUGHTER)
Goodbye.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation

# Oh, baby, telephone
and tell me I'm your own... #