Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 15, Episode 3 - Episode #15.3 - full transcript

(WACKY THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Now, this last week,
we got a pretty fair idea

of just how capable Labor will be

at steering the ship of state
over the next three years.

Usually by now,

they've either seized the engines
so it doesn't go anywhere,

or dashed it to pieces on the rocks,

or there's been a mutiny
and someone else is captain,



but so far, so good.

In fact, this week's Newspoll
has Anthony Albanese recording

the highest satisfaction rating
for an incoming prime minister

since 2008,
with a 59-25 lead over Peter Dutton.

So, in terms of, uh...in terms of...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yes. Absolutely.

So, in terms of
political honeymoons,

Mr Albanese is having
a lot of great sex,

while Mr Dutton is going through
a bitter divorce

and looks like being celibate
for some time.

The big-ticket item, though,
for the government at the moment

is, of course, getting
the Voice to Parliament heard -

and when I say
"Voice to Parliament",

I'm not talking
about Pauline Hanson's



as she stormed out of
the Senate chamber last week.

Now, obviously, I don't want
to make the usual jokes

about Pauline Hanson.

I think, uh...
(LAUGHTER)

I think the most charitable way
of describing her

yelling and walking out during the
acknowledgement of country last week

is to say that she struck a blow for
all those Australians who believe

our First Nations people have had it
their way for far too long.

(LAUGHTER)

For well over a decade,

the Senate has opened each day
with the acknowledgement,

but this year, enough was enough
for Pauline and she left,

her absence from the chamber
a reminder

to those who voted her back in -
mainly on preferences -

that she was there
to represent THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

Presumably from the corridor.

Unfortunately, we don't have footage
of Pauline leaving the chamber,

but we can re-create the moment
with some photographs.

Um...OK, so, here's
the acknowledgement being read.

There's Pauline listening.

There's Pauline thinking -
a very rare photo I...

(LAUGHTER)

..I assume taken with
some sort of high-speed camera.

(LAUGHTER)

There's Pauline standing up
to object.

Pauline readying herself to speak.

Pauline giving the Senate
a piece of her mind -

frankly, something
she can ill afford to do.

(LAUGHTER)

Hope she kept the receipt.

Here's Pauline heading for the door,

Pauline going through the door,

and finally, Pauline in the
forecourt pool of Parliament House.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

So, what prompted this walkout?

Well, her political party
is called One Nation,

so we know she's serious about
her patriotism and love of country

and that she understands

the significance
of the acknowledgement -

that it's not only a show of respect
to traditional owners but also...

Well, I'll let Pauline
tell you herself. Pauline?

But also to respect elders
past, perrison and future.

(LAUGHTER)
OK. And what did you do?

Well, I called out,
"No, I won't, and I never will."

And please explain
to the folks at home

your opposition to
the Indigenous acknowledgement

and the Aboriginal
and Torres Strait Islander flags

in the Senate chamber.

I am so angry about this.
Yeah, but why?

Those flags have never been
voted on...

Mm-hm.
..or for by the Australian people.

Uh-huh.

I see that welcome to country,
acknowledgement of country,

the Aboriginal Flag
and the Torres Strait Islander Flag

are nothing but divisive.

It's not closing the gap!

OK. Well, thank you, Senator.
(LAUGHTER)

So, Pauline Hanson whisperer
Doreetina Staf,

Pauline's refusal to acknowledge
country and the Indigenous flags

is in fact a show of support
for the First Nations people,

not, as it might first appear,
an act of insensitive bigotry?

There is a gap, Shaun,
and the only way to close it

is for us to all join together
under one flag.

We're all equal.

Plus, why should they have two flags
when we've only got one?

(LAUGHTER)

But the senator understands,
doesn't she,

that 'closing the gap' is about
improving the health and education

and job opportunities
and life expectancies

of our First Nations people?

It's not about who has more flags.

She understands that recognition,
redress, restitution, recompense

all have to happen
before reconciliation?

Being reminded of
the differences between us

is what is dividing
this country, Shaun.

It makes us non-Aboriginal
and non-Torres Strait Islanders

feel uncomfortable.

If reconciliation is about anything,

it's about making white people
feel less awkward

about what our ancestors did
when we came into this country.

(APPALLED LAUGHTER)
Not more.

That's why Pauline won't acknowledge
the welcome to country.

Is that right, Pauline? Is that why?

I won't acknowledge
welcome to country.

Uh-huh.
As I've said,

let's acknowledge those people -
men and women -

who have lost their lives
and sacrifices that they have made

for our freedom and for our country.

Including Indigenous people?

Not the Indigenous,
because as far as I'm concerned,

I have as much right to this land

as any Aboriginal
or Torres Strait Islander.

(UNCOMFORTABLE GROANING)

But they don't want
to acknowledge that.

So, Doreetina, um...uh...

(LAUGHTER)

..what Pauline is saying is that
before there can be any healing,

there should be an acknowledgement
of white ownership

by the First Nations people?

Yes. And I think it's helpful
to think of Pauline's walkout

as a bit like the Wave Hill walk-off
by the Gurindji people

all those years ago.
(GROANING)

An act of defiance
that can bring about real change.

And I look forward to the day
when a future prime minister

pours some dirt into Pauline's hand,

Gough Whitlam,
Vincent Lingiari-style,

as a symbolic gesture
that her land is being returned

to its rightful owner.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, thank you very much,
Doreetina.

If Pauline Hanson has a point -

and I'm not talking about
in the geometric sense -

it's that gestures and ceremony
and tradition

are a question of perspective.

235 years ago,
there were no white people here.

60,001 years ago, there were
no First Nations people.

237 million years ago,
Australia wasn't even here.

(LAUGHTER)

It's a joke about
the supercontinent Pangaea!

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway... Anyway, the point is...
(APPLAUSE)

No, don't try and make up.
The point is...

The point is that
we're all here now,

so why argue that
someone else's ceremony

is more or less worthwhile
than someone else's tradition,

or that my empty gesture
is better or worse

than your virtue-signalling?

(LAUGHTER)
I mean, it's parliament!

They open the door to it
with a stick!

(LAUGHTER)

Mind you, there was some talk of
getting rid of the Lord's Prayer,

and I hope to God they don't do
that, because while Pauline Hanson

may find the Aboriginal Flag
divisive,

I don't think anyone could say
the same thing about religion.

(LAUGHTER)

Except, of course, when it comes
to what jumper you wear.

Anyway, at the end of the day, when
it comes to parliamentary protocol,

Senator Hanson should
perhaps take a leaf

out of Senator Lidia Thorpe's book -

personalise whatever it is by adding
one or two words of your own,

or, if you're forced
to do it again properly,

just make sure you sound sarcastic.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway.
(APPLAUSE)

Well, coming up, Peter Dutton argues
he shouldn't have to pay costs

on his ultimately unsuccessful
defamation action

against Shane Bazzi

because Shane fought the claim using
money collected from a GoFundMe page

and this would amount
to a windfall for Shane,

whereas, according to Peter,

apparently the windfall
should be his.

We speak to a three-year-old child

as to why this legal argument
will be unsuccessful.

(LAUGHTER)

Plus, a decomposing whale carcass
washes up at a beach in Victoria,

yet I still can't get my teenage
children to do it at home.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Thank you.

But right now,
to condescendingly explain

why wages are growing
but you can't buy much with them,

here's Tosh Greenslade
not in a wig and glasses.

That's exactly right, Shaun.

Picture yourself,
a wage-earner in an economy,

as a kidnapping victim trapped
in the basement of a psychopath.

That basement is slowly filling
with water, aka 'inflation'.

The good news is
your deranged captor

is handing you money - your wages -
through a hole in the roof

and you can stand on that money
to keep your head above water.

But when the water level
rises faster

than the stack of money
you're standing on,

you can't stay afloat.

Ideally, you'd be able to get
more money from your boss,

but they are the psychopath
in this analogy -

something that is also
statistically likely in reality -

so they'd rather
keep it for themselves.

Which is why the government -

the helpless bystander
in this scenario -

is, according to
Treasurer Jim Chalmers,

delivering income tax cuts
promised by the previous government,

which mean you can climb
a little bit higher.

But as the forthcoming cuts vastly
favour those on higher incomes,

the already well off will be given
a jet pack and a bottle of champagne

to help them escape
from the basement altogether.

Meanwhile, the tax cuts themselves
cost the budget $17 billion a year,

which means they come at the expense

of government services
and welfare safety nets,

eroding the floor
that you're standing on

and sending you plummeting
into a pit of crocodiles,

which don't represent anything
in this analogy but are cool.

And finally, tonight's graph
shows the comparison

between the average height
of rainbows in the 18th century

and how much it hurts
when you stub your toe.

And that's finance.
Thanks very much.

Tosh Greenslade there without a wig
and glasses, 'cause it's cheaper.

And so as the Reserve Bank jacks up
interest rates to chase inflation,

conceding that
this will cause some distress,

they're also confident
that we'll all cope,

because, as the governor,
Philip Lowe, points out...

Many households have also built up
quite large financial buffers.

And I believe we have footage

of some of those households
with quite large financial buffers.

Ah, there we are. Yes.
(LAUGHTER)

And there, of course, yes.

And, uh...well, yes. Absolutely.
(LAUGHTER)

Philip Lowe - right as always.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, while the prospect of
a referendum on an Indigenous voice

has delighted most people,

not everyone is happy
with the government's decision

to put down the federal building
and construction watchdog.

The opposition in particular
have made that very clear,

none more so than shadow workplace
relations minister Michaelia Cash...

(MARCHING MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

..when she said...

The chaos, the intimidation,
the bullying,

the thuggery within this industry

was such that
it needed to be stopped.

You stopped it by having
the building watchdog.

Now, spokestherapist for
Michaelia Cash, Mary-Brett Punish,

given chaos, intimidation, bullying,
thuggery and much more besides

have all been present in Parliament
House over the same period,

why doesn't the opposition support

a strong and well-resourced
federal ICAC?

Shaun, this is about the Labor Party

handing the construction industry

on a silver platter,

with a side of roast potatoes
and garlic butter,

oven-roasted asparagus
with whipped ricotta and honey,

and an autumnal fattoush salad,

to their paymasters at the CFMMMEU.

This is not about some
undercooked kangaroo court.

Well, Labor says the ABCC's
main function can be carried out

by the Fair Work Commission
and the police.

Oh.

What about the economy?

(LAUGHTER)

Well, what about it?

Without the ABCC,

union chaos will ensue on worksites,

construction will slow down,

which will harm the economy,
caused by...

No longer having
a tough cop on the beat.

Well, I would have thought

that as long as Michaelia
can tip off the press

any time there's about to be a raid
on a union office,

she wouldn't care
how tough the cop is.

Shaun, a tough cop on the beat
means more raids.

But most of all, it's about Labor
in abolishing the ABCCC

being responsible for a huge -

a HUGE - fall in productivity.

Well, not according to
the Productivity Commission.

They found that after
the ABCC was reintroduced in 2016,

construction sector productivity
fell by 2.4% in 2017-18,

and then 2.6% in each
of the following two years.

I don't understand why
you're complaining about this.

Surely this is a proforma
textbook LNP example

of how deregulating something
improves productivity.

Yes, but the productivity

of a hardworking, vital
union-busking regulator

like the ABCC disappears -

a core sector of
the Australian economy.

(LAUGHTER)

Finally, Mary-Brett, why did
Michaelia get humiliatingly demoted

to shadow employment
and workplace relations

from the position
of attorney-general?

She must be fuming.

(MARCHING MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

Well, Mary-Brett Punish,
thank you very much for coming in,

and for coming in tonight, please
accept a home renovation package

for an undisclosed sum

from a company endorsed by
the governor-general, David Hurley,

and his wife.
(LAUGHTER)

So you know it's good.

VOICEOVER: For 30 years,
we've reported on a world in flux.

There were globe-changing things
happening in the world.

There was a sense of optimism.

You could feel
the world was changing.

VOICEOVER: Gardening Australia
returns August on ABC and ABC iview.

(YORKSHIRE ACCENT)
Oh, that's champion, that.

Good news, Luella.

The local parson's visiting brother
has been poisoned and beheaded

after getting off t' train.

(ESSEX ACCENT) Bloody hell!
That's the sixth one this month!

Let's go to the vicarage and have
a nosey round with no authority.

Sebastian can pretend to be
our irritating gay friend.

Sorry, I don't feel comfortable

portraying someone's sexuality
for comic relief.

Now remember, Lord Smellington's
butler's been disembowelled

and Lady Gwendoline's invited us

to investigate
and cucumber Devonshires.

Is that exposition?

Yeah, yeah, normally we do it as ADR
over the establishing shot,

but we forgot.

The body's round the back.

I couldn't believe it
when I found him.

I'd been upstairs in the library,

hollowing out a Bible
to hide my jewels in,

when I heard a scream.

(MAN SCREAMS)

There lying on the polo lawn
was the headless corpse

of my first husband
Lord Smellington's butler,

to whom I'd only been married
an hour.

So you can imagine my surprise.

Particularly as we were both
to draw the winning ticket

in the village fete tombola
that afternoon.

And what makes you think
he was poisoned, then?

Well, when I went to check on
our supplies of arsenic

prior to restoring
my sister's pianola,

I smelt that some of it was missing.

Father Dougal?

His head is missing.

Oh, that had nothing
to do with the murder.

In fact, I don't recall him
ever having a head

for as long as I knew him.

Nobody said anything about
a murder, Lady Smellington.

Oh.

Andrew Bragg says
this sketch is a waste of money

and to hurry the fuck up -
his words.

('DEATH IN PARADISE' THEME MUSIC)

Dogs can get very jealous sometimes,
Lady Gwendoline,

and no doubt
your recent whirlwind marriage

to Lord Smellington's butler

drove yours to not only
behead your poor husband

but to cut off his head as well.

But I don't own a dog.

Your health.

# Curiosity Cul-de-Sac

# I'm telling you,
I know where it's at. #

Welcome back.

Now, we know that many of you
out there who don't watch the ABC

because you disagree with
its ideology like to complain,

but not all of you are LNP senators

with access to
Senate Estimates hearings.

So, what do you do?

Screaming impotently
into the void of social media

will only get you so far.

Well, the good news is the ABC has
appointed a complaints ombudsman.

And the first thing you might
think of is, why 'ombudsman'?

What, are we living under
the iron-jackbooted patriarchy

of Queen Victoria?

Why not 'ombudslady'?
(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, I'd like to introduce
the new ABC complaints ombudsman,

who is in the audience tonight

as part of the public broadcaster's
unwavering commitment

to quality control and oversight...
(LAUGHTER)

Oh, he's not here. Fucking typical.

SONG: # The Lord High Executioner

# A personage of
noble rank and title

Oh, my God! He's here!

# A dignified and potent officer

# Whose functions are
particularly vital

# Defer, defer

# To the Lord High Executioner

# Defer to the noble Lord,
to the noble Lord

# To the Lord High Executioner. #

Just pretend I'm not here.

(LAUGHTER)

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Well, for the, uh...
(LAUGHTER)

What?

Power.

The Labor government's capacity
mechanism in the energy market,

like the fuel switch
of a hybrid vehicle,

ensures that when the wind isn't
blowing and the sun isn't shining

and the Snowy River isn't flowing,

that by simply paying
fossil fuel companies

to access coal- or gas-fired power -

as, say, a drug addict might
a supply of illicit substances -

then cutting it with
the more renewable energy,

as one might a shipment of heroin
with baking soda,

and finally, injecting
the resulting electricity directly

into the arms - homes - of millions
of users all around the country

will only get us so far.

But, George Sponge,
citizen social engineer,

you think we need to get off
the gear as soon as possible?

Well, the sooner we're clean, Shaun,

the sooner we can get on with
living our lives beyond 2030.

Now, you're not a multimillionaire
mining magnate like Twiggy Forrest

assuaging his guilt

from plundering the earth
to make his obscene fortune.

What right do you have
to tell people what to do?

Shaun, I'm just a concerned member
of the human race

who, like Twiggy, has very little
idea of what he's doing

but who wants to make a difference
and things the way he wants them.

Right. So, what's your solution?

Penal treadmills.

(LAUGHTER)

They must be, in your case, tiny.

We have a lot of prisoners in our
jails sitting around doing nothing.

Why not get them to walk
on a treadmill for 12 hours a day

to generate power?

In fact, why not get them to run
on the treadmill to generate more?

How do we get them to run?

We carpet the treadmill
and make them wear cheap shoes

so they can zap each other
with the static electricity.

Of course, any extra electricity
can also go into the grid.

Alright. Now, how much electricity
are we talking about here?

About 40 volts.
(LAUGHTER)

So, a negligible amount?

Over a life sentence, it would be
sufficient to power a wind turbine.

(LAUGHTER)

And what would be the point of that?

For when the wind
isn't blowing, Shaun.

The wind turbine,
turning thanks to the electricity

generated by the kinetic energy

of society's outcasts
paying their debt to society,

would create the wind needed to turn
the blades of another wind turbine,

and so on and so on and so on
and so on and so on.

And so on?
Exactly.

Now, I know what you're thinking...

"How are we going to edit this
out of the show?"

How do we get the power to the grid

without having to build more of
those unsightly transmission towers

that rich landowners complain about
in regional areas?

Well, we simply build
the wind turbines

on existing transmission towers

and/or bury them underground.

This not only hides them from view
and stops you from hearing them

but also has the additional benefit
of digging up any coal down there

with its spinning blades.

This coal could then be sold to
major polluters to fund the project,

the costs of which are
astronomical and prohibitive.

You don't think using
renewable energy to mine coal

might fly in the face
of your principles?

The carbon footprint from using
man-made wind energy is so small,

it will easily be cancelled out
by any CO2 emissions

caused by burning
the fossil fuels it produces.

Plus, the resulting power
can be used

to drive the polyester
spinning wheels

the child labour in Eritrea are
using to make the carpet tiles

used by our prisoners to electrocute
each other on their treadmills.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, well, you've certainly
thought this through, George.

You have to in this business,
my friend.

Cyanide?
No.

(LAUGHTER)
No, no, I'm good. Thank you.

Well, ahead in tonight's show,

the mystery straight out of
a science fiction movie

that's baffling Victorian police.

Investigators will stay here tonight
as they work to unravel

just how a gun was fired
in the middle of the day.

(LAUGHTER)

Plus, in the wake of
Queensland's Suncorp Bank

being bought by the ANZ
for $4.9 billion,

I speak to ANZ spokesperson
this lady.

Shaun, this is good for banking!

It gives the ANZ a bigger presence
in Queensland

and will be good for competition.

By eliminating an entire lender
from the state?

Shaun, this is a good story!

As part of the deal, we've promised

there'll be no
Suncorp branch closures

or net job losses in Queensland
for at least three years.

That's good news
for Suncorp employees!

Yeah, sure, but what about if you're
an ANZ employee in Queensland?

Over the next three years, the
branch they work in is gonna shut

and their job will disappear

because you don't need ANZ
AND Suncorp employees.

And over the same period,

you'll switch all the Suncorp
employees in Queensland

over to the ANZ payroll,
so "no net job losses".

And it's good news for customers!
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, but how? How is it?
How is it good n... How is it...

In the same three-year period,

you'll start rebranding
every Suncorp branch

with your ANZ banner and logo,
so that you can technically say

that you haven't closed
any of those Suncorp branches.

They're still open - they just
don't look, feel or operate

like the customer is used to,
likes or understands.

This is a good story!
(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, the rest of that interview
later in the program.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, right now,
a question from a Rufus Bint,

who has apparently...
apparently found a way

to curb his child's
online gaming addiction.

Uh, Rufus?
Shaun, Shaun! Here, here.

Oh, the transformation in
my daughter has been fantastic.

She's like
a completely different person.

Always out, down the park.

She hasn't touched
her controller in weeks.

Oh? And what did you do
to effect this remarkable change?

Introduced her to heroin.

(LAUGHTER)

Well done.

But right now, international news,

but first, a quick look
at what's making headlines.

Fascinating. Look at that.

(LAUGHTER)

Amazing what they can do.
Anyway, as promised, here's:

VOICEOVER: Brought to you by
Melbourne's Shrine of Remembrance.

Now in drab heritage colours.

The Shrine. Bowing to threats
of violence from homophobes

in honour of our brave fighting
men and women since the weekend.

..with Chicolydia Rollins.

(DRAMATIC STING)

Thanks, Shaun.

And first up,
Ukraine and Russia's agreement

to free up Ukraine's
massive grain supplies

comes into effect this week.

The deal calls for the establishment
of safe shipping corridors

to ensure that the grain in Ukraine
stays mainly in those lanes.

To China next, and you'd have to
have been living under a rock

or in a re-education camp

not to have heard of
the herd of 15 wild elephants

on their 500-kilometre journey
out of the jungles

as they rampaged their way
through several villages.

These fat, clumsy bastards

have been devouring
wooden barrels of alcohol.

Last month, one of
the baby elephants even passed out,

it was so pissed.

Look at them. Disgraceful.
Worse than the Melbourne Cup.

My guess -
they've suffered some trauma

and they're drinking to forget,

which is hard
when you're an elephant.

And if you are an elephant,
that's all the time.

And finally, still in China
but not for long,

as Beijing launches
yet another rocket,

claiming space is part
of the South China Sea.

Shaun.
Thanks, Chicolydia.

VOICEOVER: A nation's grief over
the recent break-up of the Beatles

is quickly put into perspective
in the small town of Poplar,

when a number of rare and dangerous
pregnancy complications

overwhelms the staff
at Nonnatus House

in the all-new series:

Welcome back.

Well, we've talked a lot tonight
about the importance - or not -

of ceremony and tradition
in the running of our country.

This very special report
filed by Blanc Otumbo Rutterhagan.

BLANC: Prime ministers change
like Proteus for advantages,

but one thing that remains
as fixed as the North Star

is where they live -
Kirribilli House -

and the staff who work there.

I've been head chef
here at Kirribilli

since I could boil an egg.
(CHUCKLES)

Which was lucky, because that was
Mr Howard's favourite meal.

One 12-minute hard-boiled egg
on a piece of white toast

with a cup of Bovril.

Every Sunday night after SeaChange,
before he went to bed.

Lady Janette, of course, preferred
a bowl of Cheezels and a Tia Maria.

Of course, times were simpler
back then.

As were Mr and Mrs Howard.

These frozen curries
haven't gone off yet.

Some of the stockpile of frozen
Home Brand ready-to-eat curries

that belonged to the former
prime minister - Scott Morrison -

will be archived
in the National Library.

The rest will be used as landfill in
the Leppington Triangle development.

There's something poetic, I think,
that future generations will be able

to land on a tarmac
built over the curries

that Mr Scott never got around
to taking a photograph of

and putting on Instagram.

If that's not a fitting legacy

to the previous government's
commitment to nation-building,

I'll eat my hat.

Kirribilli House is heritage-listed,

which means
it can never be improved,

a fitting testament
to the nature of government

as led by whoever happens
to be living here.

Bill Duthy has been a butler
at Kirribilli

since Gough Whitlam insisted
he have one.

This is the secret panel John Curtin
had installed to hide his cocaine.

OK, this way.

These are Malcolm Fraser's trousers.

Exactly the way they were

when they arrived
back in this country in the post

from that prostitute in Memphis.

It was my honour
to pay the insufficient postage.

Cindy is the upstairs chambermaid.

Her job is to lay out
the PM's things in the morning,

put mints on the pillow
before they go to bed at night,

and generally make sure the leader
of the country is not disturbed -

something that would have
come in handy

when Tony Abbott was prime minister.

But it is groundskeeper Walbin Hecht

who has been here longest of all.

I've been here man and beast

since my great-grandfather sold
my father to Sir William McMahon

to do with as he saw fit.

At first, I was trained to be
Sir William's personal barber,

and when that didn't work,
I was chained up in this here shed.

That's when I fell in love
with wheelbarrows and manure.

Isn't that right, my beauty?

Walbin sources his manure
directly from Parliament House,

particularly after Question Time.

Grow, damn you!

His favourite prime ministers
are the Labor ones.

Bob Hawke taught me
how to garden by consensus -

that by compromising,
we could make sure

that nobody got what they wanted
and the garden would grow

regardless of whether we paid
any attention to it or not.

And Paul Keating?

If you'll excuse me,
I have to attend to Albo's dog.

It keeps pissing
on my ornamental pears!

And what of the staff who grace

the private and innermost sanctums
of Kirribilli House?

What secrets do they keep?

What do they know of
the inner men or woman

who were the prime ministers?

Alright, that's enough of that.

Well, not coming up because
Aftertaste is on in a minute...

Solution to keeping coffee
under $7 a cup.

And the Murdoch family
welcomes a new child.

And now I'm about to
put in the volcano

and I'm gonna watch it hatch.

And finally, the Australian
Transport Safety Bureau

is investigating a Qantas flight
from Brisbane to Perth

that had to make an emergency
landing due to low fuel.

Qantas has issued a statement
reassuring passengers,

saying that if you do
unfortunately find yourself

on an aircraft without fuel,
don't worry -

your fuel will arrive
on a later flight.

(LAUGHTER)
Goodbye.

(WACKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.