Shameless (2004–2013): Season 5, Episode 13 - Episode #5.13 - full transcript

Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess

of the lives they were given by
'im upstairs...

And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.

Wicked!

Piss off!

What sounds on Earth
could ever replace

kids needing money
or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon -
me included -

is why pubs and drugs

were kindly invented...



To calm us all down
and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.

We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes...

You sit on our head,

but... you pay the taxes.

CHEERING

Imagine Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer, eh?

Eh!

Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!

CHUCKLES

Scatter! Party!

(Mickey) 'I'm not one given to quoting
Scousers unless absolutely necessary,



'but as Cilla Black once said,

'before she became a cross between
a pimp and a cheerleader on Blind Date,

"'What's it all about, Alfie?"'

They don't speak Latin,
they speak Spanish.

No! Really?

(Mickey) 'Scurrying around,
tryin' to suss it all out.

'Truth, love... family.'

Oi! Dickhead.

(Mickey) 'Makes my 'ead hurt.

'But in life, you have to play
the cards you're dealt.

'Even if the cards are shite.

'That was a metaphor - obviously.'

The Great Escape with Steve McQueen
and James Garner.

- He was a fine looking man.
- Charlie Bronson, you can't beat it.

- I like the Rockford Files.
- That's not a war movie.

Platoon? Hamburger Hill?
Full Metal Jacket?

The cattle are glowing...

- The cattle are not fucking glowing.
- What?

- They're not glowing, they're lowing.
- What's lowing?

- It's the sound cattle make.
- Play your cards.

You thought it was,
"Our father who art in Heaven,

"Howard by thy name," till you were 15.

- Cows say moo.
- Not in the Bible. They low in the Bible.

- Most of the Great Escape is lifted.
- It's a true story.

And are you the movie police?
I can like any film I want.

You're just in a bad mood cos
you've got the scabby Queen.

No, I don't. I might be bluffing.

Go for the one on the left, son.
You're safe with that.

Fuck's sake! Fuck off!

Sorry, can't hold it in.

Oh, charming!

Smile!

Quit it!

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
(Woman) Bastard.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, my God, what's happened to her?

Can you tell me your name?

Call for an ambulance.

And I peed on her...

Wait, no. Let me.

Ambulance, please.

Yeah, I'm on Quarriers Lane,
Chatsworth.

There's a girl, late teens, Asian.

Looks to have been assaulted.
I'm a police officer.

Hello?

Battery's dead.

I'll wait with you.

No, you can't. You know that.

Can you hear me?
Debs!

I know. Just... Call me.

Ah, Jesus.

There's no more milk.

It's been a week, you can't
just not talk to me forever!

We live in the same house,
for God's sake!

I'm sorry I'm going out
with the bloke you fancy.

I don't fancy him.

Didn't have you down
as the jealous type.

Jealous? Of you and paedo plod?
Don't make me fucking laugh.

What's going on?

Nothing.

(Both) Time of the month.

What, both of yer?

Sisters, sisters
Never were there such devoted sisters

Lord help the mister
That comes between me and my sister.

I love that.

We're not sisters.

Uh!

(AII chant) Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Ugh!

(Monica) Morning, Norm!

Aye.

Overdo it a bit last night?

Tastes like a camel shat in my mouth.

Is that why you've got the hump?

I made a joke!

Hilarious. God,
I think I've got a bug workin' on us.

Hasn't dented your
fashion sense, though.

(Monica) Oh, nice. Can I borrow 'em?

Like none of yous have
ever been pissed, eh!

Good morning, Dad.

Not if you've been sleeping in
a fucking wheelbarrow, it's not.

Did she give a description?

Nothing comprehensible
while I was around.

By the time I gave my statement,
she was in with the doctors.

'Definitely rape? '

Yeah. They reckon she might
have had her drink spiked.

Poor girl.

I know, it's horrible. Anyway,
our officers are in with her again now.

- I think my mum might know about us.
- How?

I'm not sure. She was singing
a song about sisters.

I'm surprised it's taken them
this long, to be honest.

'Anyway, got to go, speak later.'

OK.

(Man) Thanks, love. See you next week.

(Lillian) 'Eh! You can't just barge in!

You're back?

Evidently.

When?

A few days ago.

Lillian kept me room open.

Believe it or not, I've developed
an affection for this shithole.

Sorry, love.
He just barged in like Gangbusters.

That's all right, Lillian.
He were just leaving.

I can handle meself, you know.

- Did you plan to tell me?
- Why would I?

- Us?
- There is no us, Shane.

How many times do I need to say it?

And that's it?

You're a cold-hearted bitch.

Wait.

This belongs to your dad.

Every sovereign is there.
Tell him I decided

not to take him up on his offer.

MUFFLED SPEECH

(Shane) Fuck off.

There you go. Working brunch
for the Good Samaritan.

Cheers. I'm knackered.
Didn't get in till gone four.

- Any more info?
- They wouldn't tell me anything.

That's a bit weird, isn't it?

I'd have thought you were their
blue-eyed boy, doing a shift off-duty?

Professional courtesy.

You did a good thing.
Get that down your neck.

Tom O'Leary?

You're under arrest on suspicion
of rape and grievous bodily harm.

You don't have to say anything,
but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned

something which you
later rely on in court.

I'm sorry, pal.

It's ridiculous! I was helping her!

We know that, but the rape kit shows
that whoever did this used a condom,

so there's no semen samples
to clear you.

- And she identified you.
- She was drugged and barely conscious!

Mine was just the first face she saw!

- Where did you get them scratches?
- None of your business.

Do you think I did this?

Don't be stupid! Course not! But it would
help if you started givin' some answers,

like what you were doing there
at that time of night?!

I was getting some fresh air.

I've done nothing wrong!

Are you sure you don't want
a lawyer present?

I don't need one.

Serves him fucking right
if he's done it.

We don't know that yet.

What?

Your...
Your boyfriend's been arrested.

For rape.

What?

Asian girl.
Down Quarrier Lane last night.

I know where...

How do you all?

You told 'em!

Your mum overheard us arguing
last week. I never said a word!

She didn't. I've done well keeping quiet
about it, considering how tense it's been.

He didn't do anything.

It's all over the estate.

I was with him all night!
We were together when we found her.

If I was of a particularly paranoid
disposition, this would bother me.

You turfing me out?

No.

- You want me dole money?
- No.

'Appy days.

So...

What you gonna do?

I need to see him. I just...

I'll tell 'em I was with him.

Debs. Are you sleeping with him?

You're gonna get him off
a rape charge

by telling 'em he was busy sleeping
with an underaged girl at the time?

Are you happy now?!

She's shaggin' him?

Ah, you slag!

Oi, Fiona Bruce.

When I asked you to stash
those dodgy MOT certificates

in the toilet cistern,
you did seal the bag properly?

Yeah, I think so.

You think so?!

It's usually much later in the day before
I wonder what I did to deserve you.

Hair of the dog?

Just a glass of water, thanks.

Who was I drinking with last night?

Anyone who'd have yer - apparently.

(AII chant) Norma! Norma! Norma!
Norma! Norma! Norma! Norma!

What was the occasion?

There wasn't one.

I just came in for a quiet half hour
to read the paper.

Kinda got out of hand.
No-one in particular, then?

Summat wrong?

I woke up wearing
somebody else's trousers.

And no pants.

I've got no memory.

How much do false MOT
certificates retail at?

Enough to make it worth
my while flogging 'em.

Enough to make it
a fucking embarrassment

when I meet big Dessie Sanderson.

I'll work it off.

- Work?!
- It's only money, Dad.

Why would you give Kelly
nigh on three grand?

Not here, Shane, and not today.
I've had enough for today.

She says she's rejected your offer.
What offer?

So the tart's back in town?

She's got balls, I'll give her that.

I gave her a stipend to ease her path
out of here and away from you.

Call it paternal concern.

Who the fuck do you think you are!

You'd better get that tone
out of your voice quick, sonny.

You're a bully and a cunt!

That's unacceptable.

Dad. Dad!

Mind your business.

Think you're big enough
to take a pop at the old fella?

You owe her an apology.

- Dad, that's enough!
- No, it is not.

Unless you're choosing sides.

Stay out of it, Jamie.

Got anything to add?

Don't hurt my brother.

"Don't hurt my brother".

It's in his hands.

SHOCKED MURMURS

Leave it, fuck them!

I'm ringing yer mam.

And what would baby like today?
Left or right?

Right one.

(Mimi) Get out of my fuckin' way!

- Move!
- What's going on?

Paddy Maguire's knockin'
ten bells out of his lad!

Shit!

What about baby's lunch?

Go to Tesco's,
like rest of t'country.

Stay down! He'll kill yer!

He's gonna have to.

Patrick!

Oh, my God!

Fuck's sake, Dad!

What are you fuckin' looking at?!

He started it.

Jesus! Shane!

Bastard!!

How many's that?

14.

And they say romance is dead.

He didn't do this, you know.

Of course he didn't.
But why is he being so evasive?

His alibi's a load of rubbish.
Scratches on his neck.

I don't know.

We're his mates.

- How is he?
- At the hospital with Kelly.

Are they keeping 'im in?

I dunno.
What are you up to?

Just trying to get my 'ead round it.

Shane?

Debbie.

You can't be mad at her.

I'm not mad.

What was all that about this morning?
The arguing?

It's like she wants me
to be her best mate about it.

Hardly likely, is it?

She could probably use
a best mate right now.

- It was really humiliating, lan.
- That's not Debbie's fault.

I never said it was.

My life's hardly a Mills and Boon
romance, though, is it?

Try being queer in
the land that time forgot!

How hard can it be? All I want
is a shot at a decent bloke.

Me an' all.

(Frank) Shit!

Jesus Christ. What a pair!

Oh, ha-ha fuckin' ha!
Least I'm not stood there

with bromide in my brew,
withering on the vine.

- We weren't laughing at you.
- Oh, weren't yer?

It's always best to
get your blows in first.

And who's withering on the vine?

Evidence to suggest otherwise?

Ah!

Fuckin' hell, Ursula.

And I swallow.

Why are you taking
olive oil into school?

Home eccy.
Has its other uses of course. Later.

Honestly, Ursula, this has never happened
before! I fancy you like fuck.

Tell that to your cock!

I get hard-ons all the time,
you can hang a wet towel off it!

A dry face cloth'd be a start.

Wake up, you fucking idiot!

Corrie's on. Let yourself out.

- It's all I've got.
- We agreed on 80.

I've got customers
waiting for their MOT.

You'll get the rest
at the end of the week

and a 20% discount on the order.

How's your boy?

Wiser, I'm hoping.
Not that it's any of your affair.

Your missus must be fizzing.

Wouldn't know,
I haven't spoken to her.

I had to slap my lad down once.

Mouthy little cunt.

Walks with a permanent limp now.

Mouth hanging down to one side.

Let's leave the chit-chat
to Oprah, shall we?

Always a pleasure.

And it'll be 25% discount, Paddy.

You know what your dad's like.

He'll be really gutted about this,
feeling awful. But he won't back down.

I'm finding it hard to consider
his feelings right now.

It's how he's wired, you know that.

That's not good enough, Mum.
How he's wired doesn't wash.

The whole family's tiptoed round
his need to be a big man for years.

So it shouldn't come
as any surprise, then, should it?!

Maybe we have tiptoed round him,

but everything he does,
he does for this family.

Including wasting our Shane's face?

It could only be an improvement,
though, battering Shane's face.

Oh, shut up!

It's what I do, innit?

Lighten the load when everything
gets dead seri-arse.

So what now?
You know he'll never apologise.

I don't know, mam.

He's crossed the line.

Do you want a blow job?

These stitches in me cock
might burst, you know?

It still feels like...

like there's a little, like,
shard of glass stuck in it or summat.

What are you so happy about?

- You lied to me.
- No, I didn't.

- Yeah, you did.
- How?

You said you came back
cos you had an affection for Chatsworth.

You don't.

And how the fuck would you know?

You came back
because you love me.

Do I fuck!

You've taken one
too many bangs to the 'ead.

It's all right, you don't have to
say it. Knowing it's enough.

I don't know what fucking drugs
they gave you, but you can send

some my way any time.

OK.

How could anyone develop
an affection for this place?

It makes Basra seem like
Butlins in high season.

It's not so bad.

I'll just go to the station,
they don't have to know everything.

The hotel room's on my credit card.

They'll put two and two together.

What's the worst that can happen?

I won't have you testify.
They'll keep your name out of the papers

but everyone round here will know -
your school.

- I don't care who knows!
- I do. Shit sticks.

You won't be Debbie any more...
You'II...

You'll be the girl that was seduced
by that creepy copper.

You're not creepy.

I can take whatever consequences
come my way, but I'm not having

a shadow cast over your life.

The ID won't stand up in court

because of the ketamine in her system.
Forensics on you will be minimal.

There'll be some - from when
he put her in the recovery position.

A couple of hairs on the clothes,
but not enough to convict.

The girl put up a fight,
by all accounts.

What if there's more
than a couple of hairs?

- What if my DNA is all over her?
- How could it be?

The 999 call was dialled from
a pay-as-you-go, so it's untraceable.

Whose phone was it?

- No-one's.
- Will you stop lying to us!

- I'm not!
- Take it easy, Carrie.

Who were you with?

- None of your business.
- Who were you with?!

My girlfriend!

- Then get her to vouch for you.
- I can't!

- You can!
- No!

- Tom!
- I just... I can't!

Stop lying to us!

It's Debbie Gallagher!

All right?

It's Debbie Gallagher!

- But she's...
- Underage, that's why I can't tell.

My choices are between going
to jail and going to jail!

Don't know why I bother.
Half these boxes are fuckin' empty.

They've all gone digital anyway.

MP3s, iPods, whatnot.

Couldn't sleep?

It's a very quiet house.

- They didn't come home.
- No, I asked them, but...

I didn't ask for it, Mimi.
The boy gave me no option.

I know.

This family means everything to me.

I know that. But you've got
a reputation to protect.

- I understand.
- But?

No buts.

You're my fella, Patrick.

HE PANTS

- Jesus! Norma!
- I need a word.

Do these belong to you?

Not unless
I've got multiple personalities,

and one of them's an American tourist.

Seen anybody in The Jockey
wearing them?

I think I'd remember.

Can I go now?

Or do you want me to inspect
the rest of your wardrobe?

They're not from my wardrobe!

So what d'you think would happen?

- When?
- When you give me dad's money.

Not that.

You knew there'd be trouble.

Yeah, but for me, not you. I thought
he might come round, break my legs.

Then at least we could get on with it.

Get on with what?

If you want me to say that soppy shite,
you'll have a long wait, Shane Maguire.

I don't... I'm sorry.

But I will take that blow job now,
if it's still on offer.

You first.

- Uh, uh-uh-uh.
- So?

Suffer for your art.

GIGGLES

Get in.

All right, Carl?

Yeah, sweet.

GIGGLING

What's the fuckin' matter with you!

Wake up.

- This ever happen to you?
- No, mate, quite the opposite.

I get a fucking flagpole
at the most inappropriate moments.

You're a fit young lad, though,
so chances are it's not physical.

Meaning what?

Meaning, most impotency
has an underlying psychological cause.

I'm too young to have
psychological problems.

Your knob don't think so.

- What's changed?
- Nothin'.

Summat to put you off schoolies.

How d'you know all this stuff?

I read a lot about cocks.

And fannies. Cocks and fannies.

I'm heading out, I need to lock up.

Just give us a minute, mate.
Bit light-headed, you know.

What are you thinkin'?
You're a police officer!

And I've known you
since you were a little kid.

I like the pair of you, but...

I suppose she scratched your neck.

- A bit of a tiger, are we?
- Stop!

- She'll have to come forward.
- No, she won't.

She might not have to.
There's no witnesses,

and forensics won't have enough...

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

I pissed on her.

What?

I pissed on her. It's how we found her.
I went for a leak in the bushes.

My DNA's gonna be all over her.

You pissed on a rape victim?!

Well, it's not like I meant it.

That's not gonna go down well in court.

- She has to make a statement.
- No!

You're prepared to let him
swing for this, are ya, Lolita?

No, of course not.
I wanted to go straight to the CID.

- Snare a copper between history and PE?
- Carrie.

In your little mini micra,
and your big doe eyes?

That's enough. Who the hell
are you to talk to her like that?

Neither of you got secrets?

What's the name
on your birth certificate, Carrie?

How's your driving now you're
actually wearing your contacts?

See, this is what I'm talking about.

People will judge you, right or wrong.

- It's just so complicated.
- Hm, well, you're an adult now, Debs,

and this is what it's like.

Have you told Dad yet?

No, and I'm not sure you should either.

I can't have everyone else knowing
and him not.

It'll be different for him, Debbie, love,
cos you're his little princess.

And, well,

he might not take it so well.

HE WAILS

To tell you the truth,
I've been looking forward to this.

You know, to this stage where
we're not just mother and daughter,

but, you know...

We're like mates.

And, well, we can talk about stuff.

I suppose.

So...

Does it bother you, you know,
your boyfriend liking young girls?

What? No!

Well, I mean, that girl you found,
she was only just 16.

He never touched her.

Well, that's not what the police think.

I was with him!

I'm only concerned because I love ya!

Stroppy little cow.

GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS
IN THE BACKGROUND

You know when you go into
a supermarket on Christmas Eve, late,

and there's only one scrawny turkey
left on the shelf that nobody wants?

Yeah?

Well, that's us, innit?

THEY LAUGH

How did it get to fuckin' this?

I don't understand. I'm a big ride.

I'm lost, lan.

I know. Me an' all.

What fuckin' use am I to Katie like this?

That's the problem,
it's not just about Katie.

It's about you as well. You need
to get on with your own life.

And not take my frustrations out on
15-year-olds who think they're in love?

Maybe she is.

I'm a shit mate.

No, you're not.

You're brilliant.

- I don't believe you.
- I've got collections to make.

The fact that I fell out with him
don't mean business stops.

How are you gonna make
collections like that?

I'm a Maguire.

- Ah!
- Wait, wait...

- My hair's caught in your watch.
- Sorry.

It's my turn.

(Both) Oh!

This is hopeless.

You're not giving up, are you?
You've got a stiffy.

I'm 19 years old.
I get an hard-on in a mild breeze.

Thanks a bunch.

It was a stupid idea anyway. I'm gay.

Fuckin' a girl who is one of my best
mates is not gonna solve anything.

- Wouldn't do any harm.
- Do you want a poof for a boyfriend?

Anything that doesn't require batteries
to operate would be an improvement.

Get back on your horse,
you miserable cow.

A boyfriend with certain horse-like
qualities wouldn't go amiss.

I'll do you a deal.

If neither of us are settled down
by the time we're 40, I'll marry ya.

35.

Done.

DOOR CLICKS OPEN

So what's the plan?

You gonna batter me or fuck me?

I'm not into that Greek tragedy shite.

We had a deal.

No, you had a deal.

My thoughts on the matter
weren't considered.

You've caused a rift in my family.

Weren't my fists were beating down
on me own son yesterday.

You put him up to it, gave him the money.

I didn't want kneecapped
as soon as you found out I was back.

Could have given it to me direct.
Try again.

He loves me.

And you?

I'm not into all that
silent treatment either.

Do you love my son?

Yes.

So you deliberately provoked this?

I didn't provoke it, you did...

when you threw a pile of cash at me
and told me to leave.

So it'll be my fault, then?

I've got a wife who's back at home
who's ready to stand by me,

despite the fact that
her heart's breaking.

Those kids are her life.

I can't be seen to back down
from a confrontation like that.

Do you know what that
would mean to business?

And what's Shane?

Collateral damage?

You fuck with him, I'll kill ya.

DOOR SHUTS

You're barred, Paddy.

Don't be silly.

- Dining out on it, are ya?
- No.

That's enough, Dad.

What is this,
Have A Go At Your Da' Week?

People are here
for a peaceful drink, that's all.

I'm not here to cause trouble.

- I'm here to apologise.
- Yeah, well, Kelly's not here, is she?

I've already paid her a visit.

She says it's you
I should be apologising to.

I'm asking your forgiveness.

Please, son. I lost sight.

It's breaking your mother's heart.

And mine.

Get up, Dad, for fuck's sake.

I'm inviting you and Kelly,

in fact all of yous, round for a meal
tomorrow night, family occasion.

- I've got plans.
- Three-line whip. Look it up.

You'll be there.

All right.

Well, off you pop and ask her.
See if she can get the night off work.

That was big of you, Paddy.

Everybody, on the floor.

I expect you to acknowledge me
in the street.

If you pass me, you'll say,
"Good morning,

"good afternoon,
or good evening, Mr Maguire."

Or "Paddy" if we're better acquainted.

- Understood?
- (AIl) Yes, Mr Maguire.

And if you're a purchaser of
controlled substances,

you will go right on purchasing
as before

and I will continue to provide the same
high quality of customer service

that I always have.
Do I make myself clear?

(AIl) Yes, Mr Maguire...

(It's not loaded.)

Get up, you tit! Right...

Family meal, tomorrow night.
I'm cookin'.

GUNSHOT

Oops.

Hiya. Given them a wash, have you?

You?!

Who'd you think it was, you daftie.

But, I mean, how did?

You and me, we didn't?

Don't be soft. Don't you remember?
You came round to mine,

demanding one of my girls service you,
said you were a woman with needs.

But none of my girls
are that way inclined, love.

How... How did I?

Well, you wouldn't take no for an answer,
would you? Stripped right off.

You said, "I'm a woman, hear me roar!"

Whoo-hoo!

When you passed out,
I couldn't get your jeans back on you.

These were the next best thing.
So I dressed you,

threw a bucket of water at you,
shoved you through the door.

I don't know what to say, Lillian.
I'm so sorry.

No, it were a laugh.

One of the girls got it on camera.
Snatch Book - one of them websites.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Can I talk to ya?

You need to stop seeing this bloke.

Why?

- It's not right.
- It's a bit hypocritical coming from you.

I don't mean morally.

I mean...

Ursula Green wanted to give me
a blow job and I couldn't.

- Why not?
- I just couldn't.

I were trying to work out how come,
and Ursula's in your year at school.

So?

If you're shaggin',
it will make you the same as them.

And I can't shag them because
they'll be the same as you.

You're not makin' any sense.

You're not like them!
You shouldn't be like that.

All the lads talk about 'em,
compare notes.

Who's got tongue rings and stuff.

- You're better than that.
- I'm not better than anyone.

You are.

You're better than all of us -
me, Lip, lan.

You're the good one, Debbie.

You can do anything you want,
be anything you want.

I'm still gonna do all that stuff.

What if you get pregnant or something?

I'm not gonna get pregnant.
I'm not stupid.

I'm happy, Carl.
Why can't you just be happy for me?

Well, you should, because happiness
is at a premium these days.

You know?

What, about your boyfriend? Of course
I know. I've got ears, haven't I?

Carl, will you give us a minute?

Ursula, it's Carl... Gallagher.

Why didn't you say anything?

I was waiting for you to tell me.

I was scared.
I didn't know how you'd react.

What, you think I'd ground you?

Scrape the rust off the chastity belt
and throw away the key?

No.

I am your father, Debbie.

There's nothing you can't tell me.

Nothing you could do
will ever stop me loving you.

I'd give you some, kid,
but, you know, you're underage.

What you doin'?

Leaving.
I'm the common denominator here.

If I go everyone's,
problems will be solved.

You can't!

No?

I can't put Debbie through this.

I won't.

I care too much about her.

(Stan) Tom!

I've still got friends in Ireland.
I can disappear there.

The DNA results came back.

The skin samples from under
her fingernails - they've got a match.

It's some bloke on the other side of
the city, a three-times sex offender.

(Stan) They made an arrest
this afternoon.

Fuck off!

How's the girl?

Still under sedation.

She's traumatised, Tom.
You can't blame her.

I don't.

Not for a minute.

- Thank you.
- Welcome.

(Indian accent) All right,
lamb tikka masala...

(Normal voice)... from an old recipe
of my dear departed mother.

Guests first.

Kelly's vegetarian, Dad.

Oh.

So your body's a temple, is it?

In terms of animal products, yeah.

In terms of spunk, I'm tested regular,
so no worries on that front.

- Cheese on toast do you, love?
- That'd be great.

Could I have that an' all?

Right, so, how did you two meet?
I want to hear all about it.

Tom took her for her cycling
proficiency test at school.

No, he didn't!

As a matter of fact, I asked him out.

Right.

And have you always been interested
in girls much younger than yourself?

No. No, no,
this is a one-off circumstance.

- Ignore her, she's just stirring it.
- I am not!

Yes, you are!

So, what's it like... giving birth?

It must be one of the most wondrous
things a person can experience.

Hm.

SNIGGERING

Well, if you're a fella,
imagine shitting a football,

or trying to pull your lip
over the top of your head,

because that's about
the closest I can describe it.

- What's the occasion again?
- Meeting Debbie's fella.

Oh, yeah!

So come on.

- When this country meant something...
- Fuck's sake.

- Shall we clear away now?
- Yeah.

- Aye.
- Yep.

FRANK RAMBLES

...and Major and Thatcher...
- (Norma) Mon. Mon, is there no pud?

- We're not having pudding tonight.
- Debbie's arranged a screening.

Oh, aye? What of?

It's on the computer. It's only short.

Snatch Book clips.
Only last a couple of minute.

Fucking no! Please wait!

No, please!

Was it Natalie Wood
was in The Searchers?

Oh, yeah, and she was drop dead
gorgeous in that an' all. Phwoar!

I always wanted to be like that.

Tracking down Indians, I mean.

Little Big Man - that was brilliant.
Dustin Hoffman - a god!

Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'
Keep movin', movin', movin'...

- (Mickey) 'I believe in love, Alfie.'
- Keep those doggies movin'...

- 'Without true love, we just exist.'
- Rawhide

Don't try to understand 'em
Just rope and throw and brand 'em...

(AIl) Soon we'll be livin' high and wide
My heart's calculatin'...

'Cilla Black is underestimated
as a philosopher.

'People talk about Bob Dylan
and that, but he just fuckin' moans!

'Cilla had summat to say.

'AIways had legs like toothpicks, though.

'Well, then again, I suppose
most Scousers are undernourished.'

Yee-haa!

(AIl) Rawhide!

LAUGHTER

Come on, open the door! Let us in!

CHEERING

If that's her bikini line, she must wear
Bermuda shorts to the beach!

Got nice tits, though.

LAUGHTER

- Norma Starkey!
- Sexy mama!