Shameless (2004–2013): Season 5, Episode 14 - Episode #5.14 - full transcript

Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess

of the lives they were given by
'im upstairs...

And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.

Wicked!

Piss off!

What sounds on Earth
could ever replace

kids needing money
or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon -
me included -

is why pubs and drugs

were kindly invented...



To calm us all down
and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.

We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes...

You sit on our head,

but... you pay the taxes.

CHEERING

Imagine Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer, eh?

Eh!

Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!

CHUCKLES

Scatter! Party!

(Liam) 'Affairs of the heart
are troublesome to adults.



'They're complex,
and carry lots of baggage.

'And consequences. Big and small.'

Will you fuckin' lie at peace?

'It's the one area of life where adults
get to behave irrationally.

'Like kids on a sugar rush,

'tears and tantrums,
falling out and not speakin'.

'Secrets and lies.

'Makes you wonder whether it's worth it,

'if it wouldn't it be better
to stay on your own?

'Be a priest,
or a Trappist monk or somethin'?

'Live apart from society?

'lf only there was a superior being
I could believe in.'

Where's Liam?

He's gonna be late. Liam!

Oh, don't get up, I'll fix his toast(!)

Hello! Have you seen the size of me?

FOOTSTEPS

- You didn't wake me!
- Got a study day.

MONICA LAUGHS

God, he looks like
a refugee from the 1980s!

There's nothing wrong with him.

Well, the fashion police
might beg to differ, Debbie!

Why's she laughin'?

Cos her hormones have affected
her brain. Go and get your bag.

Scar him for life, sending him
into school with trousers like that!

They're gonna have to do him
till the end of term,

unless you have a contribution to make.

Oh, I forgot, he's my job,
just like everything else round here.

Developing a victim complex,
are we, Debbie?

I'm knackered.

Try sleeping next to the heffalump over there.
Then see how knackered you are.

I'm cookin' a baby.

Which forces you to kick the fuck
out of me in me sleep?!

Wake me up for dinner.

Christ, more meat on a butcher's pencil, Carl.

I've got no clean shirts.

Come on, Debs,
I'm seeing Tracey Kelvin later.

We've got two possibilities, then,
haven't we?

Either I've washed, dried and ironed them

and hid 'em somewhere
so you can't find them,

or alternatively, since you should be
able to get off your arse

and wash your own shirts by now,
it's still in the washing basket.

Which do you think it is?

Well, if you didn't stay up
half the night texting your mates,

you might not be so tetchy of a morning!

So did she wash the shirts or not?

(Mimi) Jocks, I hate them.

How come the filth are all over us
like a rash? What have we done?

Fuck all! Somebody's
feeding them information.

(Mimi) Shortbread, what's that about?

Biggest score in six fucking months,

and we couldn't shift a vitamin C tablet
if there was a plague of rickets.

You reckon it's them Jocks
that have been sellin' 'em round pubs?

I know it's those tight-fisted, skirt-wearing,

Braveheart-watching Scottish fuckers!

Anonymous phone tips
to Inspector Plod. Hm!

They've no morals up there.

That's why we kicked them
out of Ireland in the sixth century.

Not like they've got a sell-by-date.

Pills.

All of our petty cash is tied up
in those pills, you skidmark.

- We are stony fucking broke!
- (Mimi) Braveheart, me arse!

Your mother's in there, cooking,
like it's going out of fashion!

...useless fuckin', grassin',
haggis-eating Scottish...

It wouldn't be a plague of rickets.
It'd be a plague of crickets.

Like that bloke Jimmy out of Pinocchio.
One with the top hat.

Pigs have just nicked our Mandy.

- She's got Katie with her.
- What for?

Haven't got a clue. Two minutes ago.

Mam, the cops have nicked our Mandy.

- (AII plead) Mickey! No!
- Bastards!

It burns.

I think that's upside down.

What the fuck?

- Anything?
- You?

Didn't stop her shining
a torch up me crack.

Believe me, some sights
are better left unseen.

(Tom) Oh, that's gross!

(Carrie) Uh! Rank!

(Tom) Hasn't she got a nappy on?

- CSI Chatsworth here wanted to inspect it.
- Another feast for the eyes.

- Well, you should get one on her before...
- I haven't got a spare.

I was only popping down the shop.

We'll give you a hand putting it...

Don't bother. Quicker if I do it myself.

Stay there, Katie. Good girl.

I'm sorry about this.
We got a tip-off.

Get better information, then.
It's fuckin' harassment. She's soaked.

Oi, you dropped...

DOOR OPENS

Oh, me baby! How is he?

Arrgh!

Eh, not even third-degree burns.
I've had worse off Swan Vestas.

Gotta keep this cream on,
stop it blisterin'.

- Because he's worth it.
- Shut it, you!

Have some consideration, Shane.

Wasn't me that threw a pan
of pasta of sauce over him.

And what's that supposed to mean?
You calling me a bad mother?

Mimi.

"Mimi"! What?

He was havin' a go, weren't ya?

Wasn't he?!

- (Mandy) God's sake. Fuckin' coppers.
- Don't let them get to you.

Sitting there all morning.
She gets a rash,

- I'm makin' a complaint.
- All right!

- I'm on your side, remember?
- I know.

Sorry.

Oh, shit.

Is this what you're lookin' for?

You must have dropped it on the floor
when you stripped the buggy.

This is a private letter.

I didn't know it was important.

You lot searched me daughter
and stuck fingers up my arse.

Think I was gonna run after you
and deliver your mail?

I'm sorry.

You all right?

SOBBING

She were only your birth mother.

Your real mum's the one
who brought you up.

I was brought up in a care home,
there is no real mum.

- She was it.
- You've been looking for her a long time?

Two years.

I was gonna start earlier,
but everyone said,

"Wait till you're older,
till you know your own mind."

Now, she's fuckin' dead!

You're not gonna give up?

Her children,
they're your brothers and sisters.

Half.

Half-brothers and one sister.

Now apparently, I'm an "unfortunate
mistake from my mother's youth,

"and shouldn't tarnish her good name
by forcing myself upon the family."

They've had a shock.
Mother's not six weeks dead,

and a son crawls out of the woodwork.

You could be a gold-digger,
for all they know.

Thanks a bunch.

I'd better get back inside.

You can't go in like that.

Your eyes are all puffy.

Here.

How old was she when she had you?

17. Good Catholic family,
sent her off to Ireland to have the baby,

get it adopted, spare the family shame.

Did you know she was from the north-west?
Is that why you came over?

Hadn't a clue.

Believe me, it's a shock to think you're Irish,

then find out it's English blood in your veins.

Chip on my shoulder's totally confused!

I just don't get it.

I mean, you're a mother.
How could you give away your own baby?

That's a bit of a bloke's attitude,
if you don't mind me sayin'.

I was 15 when I fell pregnant with Katie.

Hardest thing I've ever done.

People say they'll support you,
but they don't really.

Nappy-changing and buying vests, yeah.

But in the important stuff, in the dark hours,
when you think you're the worst mum ever,

you resent her cos she's changed everything,

forced you to be old before your time,
there's moments

you'd flog her on eBay
for the price of a bottle of cider.

So do you wish you hadn't had her?

Are you mental?

She's the most beautiful thing
that's ever happened to me.

The only beautiful thing
that's ever happened to me.

How could I do that to me own baby?

You lost your temper,
everybody does sometimes.

It's like the deed's done

before me brain's had time

to process the thought.

Bothers me.

Then let's do something about it.

Nobody's allowed to bother my angel.

Not... even... you.

Done.

Listen, thanks for taking the time.

Had a gap in my schedule.

Besides, your eyes don't look like you've gone
12 rounds with Ricky Hatton now.

I'm really sorry I opened your letter.

Yeah, yeah.

Funny, but... well, I'm not.

I'll see you.

(lan) A copper?!

Shh. I felt sorry for him.
Seems like a nice bloke.

- What is it with you and men in uniform?
- Shut up!

You gonna ask him out?

No...

How would that look, anyway?

A Maguire and a police officer
off down the pictures?

You're finding excuses.

I feel as if me radar's broke...
after Lip, and then Dex.

I don't know what to think.

I don't wanna make an arse of meself.

Test the water, then.

How?

Well, you've got the world's best buffer
in there. Take her with.

- Can't find me trou...!
- Here.

Try them.

They look worse.
You can see the turn-up a mile off!

Well, I'll iron them, then.

- Why can't I wear them like they were before?
- Because you can't, that's all.

There we go.

Are we poor?

What made you ask that?

Nothin'.

Just... Some of the kids at school said.

We do all right. We're not any poorer
than anyone else,

and it doesn't matter
what other people say, OK?

I know.

Come on, Tracey! It's just a date!

All right, Carl?

Here he comes - the great unwashed!

I need...

I need... advice.

It's about...

sex.

Right, I'm seeing this girl, Tracey Kelvin,

- and she's dead experienced.
- You've popped your cherry, though?

Course I have, but...

she knows stuff.

Loads of stuff.

You've had older women.
Didn't they teach you?

Yeah, but they always did stuff to me.

Tracey expects me to do stuff to her.

So you want me to teach you foreplay?

What's that?

(Man) 'I was so angry, I went
out to the garage and snapped... '

(Woman) '... Every time I drink.
I've run out of excuses... '

- (Man) '... A slag, to her face.
My P45 arrived... '

(Man) '... Full volume, day and night.
I threw his stereo out the window... '

< Mimi?

Do you have anything to share?

Well, there was the time
I hit my husband with me shoe -

a good six-inch heel.

He'd come in seven sheets to the wind
every night that week,

and the kids were only small.

I kept them on deliberate.

Stilettos, like...

So I took a knife and carved
me initials into his back,

ten inches high,
while he was still tied up.

Next time one of my lads
hit a ball into his garden,

he handed it back double-quick,
that's for sure.

If you try taking a deep breath before you act...

Brian, I've tried everything.

I've tried counting to ten,
I've tried saying a prayer

to St Clare of Assisi.

I never get past three, and I always
end up going to confession after.

There are other strategies.

Problem-solving,

better communication,
cognitive restructuring.

I'm not a hippy!

I'm talking about empathising with people,
putting yourself in their shoes.

I'll give you some materials that might help.

Haven't you got immigrant labour
who do that for you?

Filling my day with meaningless tasks!

- Where you off to?
- Just out for a walk.

So have you phoned them?

I don't see the point.

Well, see you, then.

Hey, wait!

I'm due a break.

Do you want to go to the park?

I'll spring for the ice-cream.

All right.

If you could have asked your mother
one question, what would it be?

I couldn't ask her just one question.

It would have to be a million, or none.

Like what?

Like... is there a history of
heart attacks in the family?

Did she get the life she wanted
after she gave me up?

Where did I get this nose?

You could probably sue for the nose!

It's just cruel to lumber a kid with that!

LAUGHS

You've got to call them.

I don't think so.

Another lesson you learn in care -

you can't make people accept you.

(Both) Wheee!

What's for tea, Mum?

Home-made stew.

There's nowt here.

That's because you haven't made it yet.

(Carl) OK, what's my first lesson?

So what d'you normally do?

Shag 'em for as long as I can before...

Before, you know?

And that's it?

No, I give them a bit of a rub first.

I went six minutes, once - 324 pumps.

You don't, like...

build up to it, like,

- with her erogenous zones?
- Tits and fanny, yeah.

This Tracey Kelvin better be worth it!

SHOUTING AND CLATTERING

(Mickey) Get off me, ya bastard!
Get off me!

In!

Nobody died.

It would be irrational to get
overly upset about a ruined dinner.

This is cognitive restructuring.

We could attempt to problem-solve
the reasons why you two felt it necessary

to batter the living shite out of one another.

What I think's required here
is some positive reinforcement.

So...
Shane, tell your brother that you love him.

Fuck off!

Tell your brother you love him.

MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

You're not trying to poke a hole in a fence.
Like you're licking a Bartletts pear half.

MUMBLES

What?

I said, how long have I gotta do it for?
My tongue's knackered.

A bit, like, softer.

(Man) I'm dying of thirst, here!

- I wish I could help him, that's all.
- So help him.

Do something about it,
get on his good side.

I can't, it's personal stuff.
I hardly even know him.

Yeah, all right. Talk yourself out of it.

God forbid you should meet a bloke
with a good job who's keen on you!

I don't know that he's keen on me.

Yeah, fair point. Cops are always
taking me to the park for ice lollies!

Pint and two Es, Karen.

You look like a chicken who's just
been told she's got to shit an egg!

Here, you're a mother...

No, I'm not.

Well, yeah. Well, you know, you've got
all the raw materials, haven't you?

Do you have a?
Is there a nesting instinct in you,

makes you wanna kick
everyone else out of the homestead,

- make room for your chicks?
- Oh, has Monica got the sweats?

Oh, "the sweats"? The sweats?!
Is that what you call it?

Grievous bodily harm
in anyone else's language.

- Well, you know what the answer is.
- What's that?

Keep your pecker in your pants.

...So I said to Bill Roache - Ken Barlow,
of course - I said, "Billy!

"You want to know
what side your bread's buttered!

"Tie them into a long-term contract."

I said, "So what if you're typecast,
you'll have a steady income.

"Not many can say that."

- I'm knackered, mate.
- If there was a book entitled,

All Men Know About Women, it'd be empty.

She's gone completely off at deep end.
She's made us hug each other.

Yeah, like we was poofs!

I can see you getting in touch
with your feminine side!

Your mother has depths you've never
been exposed to. Give her credit.

- But, Dad...
- I said, give her credit!

- Trust me, she'll be able to help you out.
- Belle Carter? Are you having a laugh?

She was an extra on Corrie
for about ten minutes 30 years ago.

You'd think she was... fucking Hamlet
at the Royal Shakespeare!

Get a better idea, have you?

Have you?

You said you wanted to help him,
and now's your chance.

Go on, she's waitin'.

Go on!

All right.

All right, Belle? Drinks are on me.

Ooh!

That's very kind of you.

D'you know, you remind me a little
of Pat Phoenix -

Elsie Tanner, God rest her soul.
Course, she was a redhead.

"Never call me ginger,"
she once said to me.

Look, I've got a job for you.

I want you to pretend to be someone.

I'm trying to help a friend.

Righty-ho.

You get the drinks in,
and tell Belle all about the role.

Oh, and gin, if you don't mind, this time.

Protein power diet.

Right.

SNIFFS

- What the fuck's that smell?
- Lavender. It's soothin'.

Smells like the inside of a hooker's oxter.

You said you'd support me, Paddy.

I'm trying to mellow.

I... will, sweet pea,

of course I'll support you.

Good. I really think it's workin'.

I've got some potpourri
drying in the kitchen.

Water?!

Hey.

Yeah. X-Factor!

She says she's going home
to get inside the skin of the character.

What, like Silence Of The Lambs?

I wouldn't put it past her.
She's loopy enough.

I'm meeting her tomorrow to give details.

All this to get inside some bizzy's boxers!

- Like that's gonna happen!
- You never know.

(Man) Pint, please, lan.

Yeah, mate.

So I won't give you the full bag,
I'll give you a quarter.

Keep your head clear. See if you can
patch it up with that nice girl of yours.

Ta-ra.

What was all that about?

Young Felix is on the baccy morning,
noon and night. It's ruining his relationship.

A bit less smoking would do them both
the world of good.

Oh!

Dad, what are you doing?

Oh...

Why does everybody in this house

see it as their duty
to physically abuse me?

Listen, Dad, I'm worried about Liam.

He thinks we're poor,
and he's getting teased.

I am the one bearing the brunt, Deb.

I mean, nobody thinks about fathers,
do they? We're just supposed

to keep shtoom and just get on with it,
like Gary Cooper in High Noon.

What about me, Deb? What about me?

Hello, love.

Look...

I think I made a mistake.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

It's nothing personal, it's just...

pretending to be best mates with some dead
woman you've never met is too much of an ask.

Oh!

You'd have loved Patricia
if you'd met her - everybody did.

- What?
- It broke her heart giving that baby away.

But it was different days.
Her parents were religious.

You did what your father said
or you were out.

Ne'er a day went by
when she didn't slink off for a quiet cry

about her lad growing up in Ireland,
nobody belonging to him.

Not that she looked for sympathy.

No, there was just a sadness there,

a guilt, you could say,
that she never quite shook off.

This is everything I can remember
from the letter and stuff he said.

Right-oh.

Oh, um... cider and black,
if you don't mind, love. I skipped breakfast.

So?

She was... fucking brilliant.

- Nearly believed her myself.
- What did I tell you?

Pint of lager and two Es,
and don't spare the horses.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

Yeah, I can be there at 7.30.

I've just got an errand to run.

Everything all right?

OK, see you then.

< It wasn't my fault.

WHIMPERS

Since when do we invite junkies
into our house for tea?

The lad's father ridiculed him
all through his teens because of his acne.

I'm empathising, Patrick.

Be with you in a minute, girls.
Terry's almost done.

Are any of these spongers
actually buying anything?

There's more to life
than money, Patrick.

You have to nurture the soul.

The drugs are bad enough.
But now my own wife

is trying to drive me
into bankruptcy!

I'll be back in a minute, love.

Keep projecting positive thoughts.

OK.

Why are you being so hostile?

Business is going down the shitter

and you're turning our most reliable punters
into a bunch of fucking tree huggers!

I'm doling out help and advice
alongside the gear.

It's responsible selling.

It's irresponsible, Mimi!

It takes you a fucking hour
to shift a couple of pills!

I'm a new woman.
I thought it's what everyone wanted.

If you don't like it,
then maybe we've got a problem.

(Terry) It wasn't my fault.

(Mimi) I'm with you now. OK?

< It wasn't my fault.

It's all right. Deep breaths...

Come on, Frank, you've had enough.

He's only had two pints all afternoon.
He's just sleeping.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want a new fucking
woman, I want the woman I married back.

Some junkie was helping her
move furniture when I left.

Something about
energy flow and feng chewie.

- She's lost the fucking plot.
- Don't talk about your mother like that.

- You just said...
- That's different, I'm her husband.

You're meant to worship her while she's here
and canonise her once she's passed away.

That's how it works in Irish families.

I don't care how many herbal soaps she puts in
the bathroom - my Mimi is in there somewhere.

We have to find a way to provoke a response
that'll snap her out of this before it goes too far.

You look great.

Thank you, love. I'll pretend
I didn't notice the tone of surprise.

So, where is the boy wonder?

You said he'd be here at 7.30.

He promised.
Something must have come up.

Right, well, I'm going
to powder my nose.

- Do I have to stick strictly to the script?
- Yeah.

G&T when you can, love.

Oh!

Christ! How long have I been here?

Six hours.

- How many pints have I had?
- That's just your second.

Oh, right, that's fucking it!

She's on the sofa tonight,
baby or no baby.

Who says we're poor?

- She bought them out of her own savings. >
- I don't want new trousers!

Don't worry, they weren't expensive.

They probably came from a sweat shop in Asia,
10p a week, no toilet breaks until October.

- Oi! Don't be so ungrateful!
- Sorry, Debs. Thanks.

It's OK, you don't need to thank me.
Right, I've got to go.

Off out again? >

I could cut my toenails in her bed.

She hates it when I do that.

Why the fuck would you be in my bed?

I could do an oil change
in the living room.

She'd turn it into Zen And The Art
Of Motorcycle Fucking Cuddliness,

put an incense stick
in the oil and burn it.

You could wash her whites
with her coloureds... Ruin all her undies.

I could hardly tell you where the washing
machine is, let alone how to work it.

Karen doesn't make you do the laundry,
does she?

Well, what's important to her?

She's more likely to go off her dinger
about something that matters to her, in't she?

In't she? >

Family.

- Meaning you - her little baby.
- What?

Shane,

kick the shit out of your brother.

< Not now!

Pavlov's fucking dog! On the quiet.

- Make it look like the Scots did it.
- How come he gets to do me?

Unless you'd rather do it yourself.

And what good's that going to do?

To you, nothing, other than knowing
you're giving her pleasure.

It's like an investment
for the future.

Tell me again about the ari...
The bit around the nipple.

I have a life, Carl.
I can't be your round-the-clock sex counsellor.

I wanna learn.
And you're really helping me.

It's the areola.

It's all these new words.

I'm never gonna remember 'em.
Unless you show me.

I'm a married woman.

I don't mean naked -
with your clothes on.

(Paddy) The dates -
when are they coming to Manchester?

The bit around here. The dark bit.

You don't just want to plunge right in
onto the nipple.

You wanna build up to it.

I know, but... erm...

Just describe
what needs to be done again.

Later.

Come on. Probably got a couscous salad
waiting for us, or something.

I'm so sorry.

We've been here two hours.

I know, I'm sorry.

Is this who you wanted me to meet?

This is Belle.
She was a friend of your mother's.

- What?
- (Slurs) We were like sisters, me and Pat.

- In and out each other's houses.
- How did you?

I just put the feelers out.
Big Irish family, lots of cousins.

When...
How... did you know her?

- I said to her only last week...
- Last year.

Last year. I said, "You should trace
that boy of yours."

And she did, son,
she started proceedings.

Her fondest wish
to be re-nu-nited with you.

She just couldn't hold on
long enough to see it through.

She said this last year?

Yup.

- On a trip to Vegas.
- What?

She'd always wanted to go there.

I performed there, of course,
when I had the legs for it. >

She was star-struck, your mum -
she wanted to see where Sinatra played,

- Caesars Palace, MGM Grand. >
- Maybe we should stick closer to home.

If you must.

What exactly do you want to know, son?

When did you last see my mother?

Couple of months ago. At the bingo.

Gambling, see.
The Vegas connection again.

Hey, I tell you who liked to gamble -
Johnny Briggs.

Mike Baldwin, of course.

I've just come
from my mother's house.

What?

Really? How is she?

- I met with my half-brothers and sister.
- Oh, that must have been nice.

My mother was in a coma
for the last two years of her life

after a brain haemorrhage.

If she went to Vegas,
it must have been a hell of a trip.

Who is this woman?

I was trying to help.

I... I'd better go.

Did I get the part?

Tom, wait. I'm sorry.

I was trying to help.

I thought if you could get some answers,

even if they weren't the right ones,
it might give you some peace.

It's been a long day.

When I saw you crying the other day,
I couldn't bear it.

Mandy...

I can't.

Why not?

If it's because of my family,
I'm not like them.

- It's just as hard for me that you're a copper.
- No, I mean I can't.

I'm seeing someone.
I have been for a while.

What?

You never said.

I didn't think it was an issue.

- I didn't know you felt...
- Oh, my God!

- Mandy...
- My God! My God!

Mandy, I'm sorry!

DISTANT SIREN WAILS

I felt horrible.

I didn't know what to say.

If I was sending out the wrong signals,
it wasn't intentional.

She was only trying to be kind.

It's more than kindness.

She likes you, you halfwit!

I know that now.

At the time...

You should have talked to me
about your mum.

How could I?

We've got enough on our plate,
don't you think?

I thought we agreed, no secrets.

It wasn't a secret,
I just thought...

All this sneaking around, coming here...
I can't even call you at home.

Have you any idea
how patronising that sounds?

Does it?

It's OK to sleep with me,
tell me you love me,

but don't worry my pretty little head
with complex personal issues.

I didn't think about that,
I didn't mean...

I know you didn't mean.

That's one of the reasons I love you.

Mandy.

I thought you had a shoo-in.

Mandy.

- He's an idiot.
- No, you're an idiot.

And I'm even more of one
for listening to you.

If your gaydar's as fucked up
as your straight antenna,

you'll be single a long time, lan.

< (Shane) Hurry up, will you?

< Or I'll come and do it for you.
She'll be back in a minute.

A black eye would have done it.

What a day. I've acquired a family
I didn't even know,

even though they took
a bit of persuading.

Nice people, though,
once I sat down with them.

Debs.

We have to tell her.

- We can't.
- I know. I know it's a massive risk, but...

- I have to. She's my sister-in-law, as good as.
- Just wait till your birthday.

Have you any idea how she'll be feeling
right now? I can't lie to her. It wouldn't be fair.

I could go to jail!

I don't want to jinx us
by being unkind to someone.

Sweetheart, you all right?

Don't tell Debbie!

Why? What you doing?

I like looking... poor.

People underestimate you and then
if you achieve something, it's a big deal.

A working-class hero's
something to be, Mum.

Please don't tell Debbie. >

She wouldn't understand.

You could always
burst a pen in your pocket.

Cos ink never washes out.

< Aw...!

Cheers. How did you get on?

- Dunno. I'm not sure if she liked it.
- How do you mean?

You know the finger up the arse thing?
I don't know if I timed it right.

You might have to talk me through it again.

- Somebody's been out on the town.
- He's had a date.

Oh, yeah? Who with?

- Tracey Kelvin. I was just giving him a few tips.
- Who's Tracey Kelvin?

< Oh, some vastly experienced
teen sexual predator.

- Who's a sexual predator?
- What's it got to do with you?

I'm Tracey Kelvin.
What's he been saying?

Nothing. I've not said nothing.

He said you knew stuff none of us had ever
heard of. Foreign stuff from your other lovers.

- Is he calling me a slapper?
- No.

Did you ride him or not?

Did I fuck!
I won't let him go anywhere near me.

He's not even got his own car.

So why?

It were just a joke.

He was getting you to talk dirty.

What?!

He was getting you to talk dirty
so he could go home for a bit of DIY.

I showed him that thing
you do with your tongue.

You little bastard!

What thing with his tongue?

What's going on?

God Almighty! What happened?

The Jocks.
They caught up with him on the estate.

< He had no chance.
It was a massacre.

What are you going to do?!

Me?

Not a thing.

There's a new ethos in this house,
and I won't be the one who rocks the boat.

Oi! Sheep-shaggers!

Get 'em!

That's my girl!

What's so important?
You nearly woke Katie.

Is something wrong?

- It's me.
- What is?

Tom.

I'm sorry he didn't tell you.
I wasn't sure myself what I thought.

No, you don't understand.

I mean, it's me.
I'm the someone he's seeing.

Don't be stupid.
You're only a kid.

- But he's...
- 26. And I'm nearly 16.

It's illegal.

- It's disgusting!
- We love each other.

Oh, grow up. How can you know
what love is at your age?

How old were you
when you got pregnant with Katie?

That was different.
We were both kids.

And love came after,
out of necessity.

Isn't it better doing it this way round?
I'm not going to get pregnant. I'm not naive.

What? Cos you got two lessons in biology,
you know what it's all about?

You're the one always telling me
how grown-up I am. >

A 20-year-old head
on 15-year-old shoulders.

I couldn't have been more wrong, could I?

You love him? You've been
reading too many magazines.

Look, I'm sorry he hurt you.
He didn't mean it.

Fuck off. He didn't hurt me.

I'd had a couple of drinks, that's all.
Lost my head.

KNOCK AT DOOR

- What are you doing?
- I couldn't let you do it on your own, could I?

Didn't know what
you might be facing.

What if someone sees?

Well, then, so be it.

I didn't realise.

Stop apologising.
You're pathetic, the pair of you.

- You won't say anything?
- What am I gonna say?

A bloke gave me a body swerve
cos he prefers children?

- She's not a child.
- She's not a woman.

We didn't do it lightly.

- It took a long time.
- That's worse.

- We'd like to keep it quiet...
- I'll bet you would.

...till Debbie's birthday.

Please, Mandy.

I won't say anything. But when it goes belly up,
don't come running.

Look, things could get tricky.

Shh.

I'll talk to you in the morning.

(Liam) 'I don't think
I'll bother growing up.

'AII that aggro, and for what?
To be kicked out of your bed?

'Resented for growing a life inside you?

'The lies and the politics,

'sneaking around,

'opening yourself up
to all sorts of hurt and pain.

'And for what? Companionship?

'Someone to hold onto in bed at night?

'You can be your own company.
Hold on to yourself in bed.

'Carl does every night
when he thinks I'm sleeping.

'In the olden days, they used to give drugs
to gymnasts from East Germany

'to keep them children
for as long as possible.

'Wonder if I could get my hands
on any of those.'

Course, it was my choice
to move on from Corrie.

I'm more of an all-round entertainer,
rather than just a one-trick pony.

I've done two cruises
round the Shetland Isles.

Yeah. Three seasons at Skegness.

Hey, hey, hey! Bobby Davro, eh?
Oh, he's a lovely man...