Shameless (2004–2013): Season 5, Episode 12 - Episode #5.12 - full transcript

Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess

of the lives they were given by
'im upstairs...

And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.

Wicked!

Piss off!

What sounds on Earth
could ever replace

kids needing money
or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon -
me included -

is why pubs and drugs

were kindly invented...



To calm us all down
and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.

We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes...

You sit on our head,

but... you pay the taxes.

CHEERING

Imagine Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer, eh?

Eh!

Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!

CHUCKLES

Scatter! Party!

Thank you.



< It's coming! It's coming! The baby!

Right, you all know
what you're doing, yeah?

- Where you going?
- Pub. Fetch me dad.

He's in. I'm calling about Monica Gallagher.

(Carl) 'Some people can't do commitment.'

lan! Carl!

'They're scared of making bad calls.
Fucking things up. Feeling useless.'

'So they never make decisions

'and they never find out
what might have been.'

Shite-arse! Mum's in labour, move!

Yeah, right.

Final prediction?

I honestly don't mind,
so long as she's healthy. Oh!

lan's filming, bag's packed. But where's Lanky?

Er, well, just thrilled to be here,
really, support the wife.

The miracle of birth.

A gamut of emotions, really.

Come on. >

(Monica) Ah! These for Nana? Are you looking
forward to meeting your auntie?

Where's the lift?

- Who's doing the transport?
- Carl is.

This is rubbish!

- Can't have Mum waiting around! Carl!
- He said he were getting up.

- What?
- I'll call Speedy Cabs.

No. Forget it. Everyone stop what
they're doing. Carl let us down. Drill's over.

A drill? Debbie!

- You made me call the clinic for nothing?
- Tell us you're joking!

Just as well it was a dry run!

Shall we do a debrief?

- You were in on this, eh?
- Like I had a choice.

False alarm.

Oh, yeah, well.

OK, as I'm up...

Can't afford to carry passengers.

For fuck's sake, Mum wasn't in labour.

You weren't to know that!

Don't you think it's a bit soon
to be running drills?

No. Mum always drops early.

lan started the trend
of premature birth.

The ensuing children came even earlier,
so by my calculations,

Mrs Gallagher could give birth...

tomorrow.

All this excitement, eh, baby?

If you're coming any day now, I'd better go
and lie down upstairs. Conserve our energy.

Nice one, Debbie!
Now she's having kittens as well.

Shut up.

Stan, it's cash and carry day.
I've got to leave in five minutes.

Always rushing me, aren't you?

Except when it's treats time.

Just because I let you stay here three times
a week don't mean you can move in.

What?

Next thing, you'll be proposing!

You can get that right out of your head.

It's just a spare pair of undies.

Just don't, all right?
I'm too angry.

Yeah, Mum.

Chesney! What are you doing here?!
It's five to nine.

About school...

I don't want to talk about school.
Just go to it.

It's just Mrs Kay in RE.

I know. You're Muslim,
so why learn about other religions?

Because RE is the difference
between ten GCSEs and nine

and you promised me double figures,
so just do one!

Is nobody going to school today?

I'm on free periods till lunch
and then I'm on at t'shop.

I told you that yesterday. >

Don't think you're getting out of working
tomorrow night. I know your game.

I know what you're all thinking
before you've even thought it.

These mean nothing. I put them in your drawer
for convenience, that's all. No hidden agenda.

You could have asked.

What's so bad about us shacking up together,
anyway? I'm here half the week.

That's different!

How is it? And what's wrong with us
moving things on a bit, thinking long term?

- Stan, we're not having this conversation.
- Do think we should?

- No! Not now!
- Why not?

- Because I'm late. Don't push me.
- Or what?

Oh, right. I see. Yeah, great.

Good to know, Yvonne. Good to know.

- I'll speak to you later, OK?
- Yeah.

I can't believe you volunteered us
for cycling proficiency lessons.

Opportunity to nick
some bike thieves, Tom.

Ultraviolet light,
serial codes for bikes.

That's why they made me a sergeant.

- All right, there, Stanley?
- Loved up to limbo in two minutes, for pants.

You left those? Not your special boxers?

They were the first pair I could find,
so shows you how trivial I think it all is.

Guys,
are you still looking for a lodger?

Us? No. No room at our inn.

Don't know where you got that from.

Canteen Val. Said that Stan's
moving in with his missus.

God, I'm not moving in with Yvonne!

How many times?

What?

Carl, come on,
you can't stay in bed all day.

- I've left school, I'll do what I want.
- Not with another mouth to feed.

You know the score,
everybody mucks in. Carl!

Piss off!

I am trying to get more
than just the odd shift at the shop.

Full-time kitchen assistant
at a city centre hotel? That's all right.

I filled out 12 of them last week.

Not one interview.
It's a waste of time.

What if this is the one
that gets you the interview?

- It's fuck all use unless you hand it in, mate.
- Watch.

I'll get my hopes up on the bus to town
and I get knocked back. Again.

Haven't even got me fucking fare.

- How much short are you?
- Forget it. I'll get it out the surfboard fund.

It's what it's for these days.

Where's my bottle?

?1.32.

I really thought there'd be more.

Kids. No head for saving these days.
How many cans?

One, but I'm not taking that.

What?! I know for a fact
your mum loves change. Shit!

Such a waste, man.

Hands up! Get your hands up!

Oh, shit! Shitting hell!

Don't talk to me
and don't touch owt.

Just do what I tell you! Freeze!

- I said freeze!
- I'm froze. Sleeping lions.

- Anybody else?
- No. Just take whatever and go.

< Meena, why is this door locked?

- Who's that?
- My mum.

< Come on, open the door.
What are you doing?

Let her in. No nonsense.

< Unlock this door now!

Is this what happens
the second I set foot out the place?

- Shut it!
- Oh!

Do exactly what I tell you and nobody gets
hurt.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just getting me hospital bag ready.

How long do you think you're going for?

What's with the bikini?

Well, in case I want a water birth.

It's not what you think.

That's my room.

I'll decide when I'm going.

Not you and Canteen Val.

She's always asking after you.

I just said we hadn't seen much of you.

Well, she's not the only one.

This is doing my head in!

(Tom) The plan was
to discreetly put the feelers out -

test the market - not drop us in it.

(Stan) Yvonne?

I didn't know Val was gonna
put it round the entire nick.

She's the biggest
gobshite of them all!

I thought she was
a sweet old dinner lady.

- Yvonne! Open the door! >
- A good sarge knows her staff.

I can tell you the names of everyone
who works at our nick.

Fine. But do you know them?

- A good sarge would.
- Yvonne! >

- Open the door!
- Copper.

I know you're there. I can see you.

I'm not going anywhere until we sort out
this stupid pants nonsense!

Stan! I'll talk to you later, yeah?

No! I'm here. Talk to me now.

- She's not letting him in.
- Let me in. >

He is not happy.

I'd get in the back if I were you.
Keep your head down.

Grow up, Tom.

Let me in or
I'll break this door down.

Shit!

BANGING ON DOOR

Yvonne.

Is everything OK in there?

Yvonne, what's going on?

(A fucking stick-up bloke
with a bloody big gun.)

- Stand back - I'll kick it in!
- Piss off! I'm nearly there.

Get away from the door! Get back!

Don't shoot, I'm unarmed.

- What's that in your hand?
- Nothing.

Hands where I can see them!

< Why don't you lower the weapon?

- I just want everyone to go out of here...
- Shut up!

You're not calling the shots here - I am!
Get over there and get down.

You!

Anyone tries anything
and I start throwing bodies out!

- OK. Now empty the safe.
- What?

You've got a shop.
You've got a safe. Move.

- Just do as he says.
- There's nothing in it.

- I had to dip into it for the mortgage.
- Whatever! Come on.

Fine. But you're wasting your time.

I'm not a fucking idiot, yeah?
Now let's do this.

What now?

It's on a timer. Once I put the code in,
it takes half an hour.

- There's nothing to be gained from stalling him.
- I'm not stalling.

It's on a timer.
The back door's sealed to deter robbers.

I'm here. This is happening.

Open it. You're just
going to have to sit tight.

Chesney! What are you doing?

Nothing. Who's he?

- Robin Hoodie.
- How many people?!

- Were you wanking?
- Fuck off! I was in a study forum.

Forum? You should be at school doing RE,
where you're safe.

Skiving while I'm at Costco!

- Come on. Not now.
- Don't "come on" me. This is my family.

- Keep your nose out.
- OK, enough! Enter the code.

BEEPING

It's you saying that
the baby's coming. >

I'm sure this is all just normal.

- Last-minute nerves.
- It's not that.

There.

You're meant to breast-feed these days, and...

well, me milk hasn't come.

You don't need to breast-feed.

I bet all the women that write this
are them militant lactators

that have teenagers hanging off theirs.

- Hmm.
- You give us a bottle, didn't you?

I had to, because after I fed Fiona,
these dropped a whole two inches.

They used to be right up there.

Did formula do us any harm?

It's not the same as giving
your baby the boob.

I want it to be natural.

I want it to be perfect.

I can't bear to be a crap mum again.

You won't be.

I won't let you.

Stop worrying!

Yeah.

Thanks, love.

Oi!

Just until you settle down.

Oh, hiya.

No, it's locked. I couldn't get in...

< Won't be a minute!
Police business.

RADIO CRACKLES

He's turned his radio off.

Kerry from community support.

I'm not playing your stupid game,
Tom, save your breath.

Fine, only...

Look, I've passed my exam,
I've got my stripes.

I've shown what it really takes
to be a sergeant.

Fine, if that's all you want to be -
a sergeant - not a good sarge.

He's got ten minutes
and then I'm dragging him out of there.

(Robber) What is this, man?

There's a fucking cop car
outside now!

It's my colleagues. Probably waiting
for me to sort stuff with Yvonne.

How am I supposed
to get out now, eh?

Duh! Something you should have
thought about earlier, maybe.

- Do you know him?
- Shut up!

Fucking talk to him like you did.
I know his voice from somewhere.

Do I know you?

- Chesney, sit down for us, pal.
- What? He's not gonna shoot me.

- He's bricking it. Hand's shaking.
- Listen to the Fed, brother.

I'm not your brother. Are you a Musi?
How do we know each other?

Fellas, let's keep our heads, eh?

Chesney, back off.

How did you know about the safe?

Eh? You've got a shop,
you've got a safe!

No, the only people
who know about it are here.

You're too clued up.

You rob me the one morning I'm not here.
How did you know that?

Please don't tell me this is what I think it is -
an inside job. Whose idea were it?

Well?

You said this was going to be easy!

Put on a show for the cameras -
in and out, no distractions.

Fucking hell's bells, Stan!
I thought my lot were wrong 'uns.

I knew it. Asif Khan,
evil, money-lending harami!

Easy, Chesney, he's still carrying.

This wasn't meant to happen.

20 applicants to clean dishes
and they tell me, "Lack of experience".

I'm unemployable.

I can't make owt, fix owt.

I wouldn't even give me a job.

Dear, oh, dear, dry your eyes.

There's a place in the workforce for everybody,
and even coconuts like you.

- In't that right, Nicky?
- Yeah.

You're not using your bread box.
You tell us what you're after

and we'll come up with
the perfect job for you.

I want something
people are impressed by.

I want them to look at me and say,
"There's Carl Gallagher, the..."

Lumberjack.

And it needs to be around girls.

So you want a job that gets you laid,
doesn't require you to think.

I suppose. And if I could travel, great.
See the world and that.

- Uniform?
- Ladies love a man in uniform.

- As long as I don't look like a dick.
- (AIl) Holiday rep!

GIRLS LAUGH

Hello, sailor. Anyone for tennis?

- Clear off taking the piss!
- No, it was inspired, that.

I'll show yous. I'm going to do something
that gets me respect.

I want what I'm owed.

- How much?
- Two.

Grand?
What the fuck do you need that for?

- What's it got to do with you?
- It's my mum you're robbing!

Don't get holier than thou with me.
Doing study forums in her shop(!)

Stop it!

What have I done to deserve this?

What's happened to my kids?

What did you need the loan for, Meena?

Pay off a bar bill?

- Buy more party dresses?
- No. I paid a photographer to take shots of me.

- I want to be a model.
- You?!

If you have been flashing your fanny
for some dirty old perv...

I'm trying to tell you.
Why do you always think you know it all?

Cos when it comes to you, I do.

Didn't know I were going to do this!

- I got behind with the repayments.
- So you decided to rob me!

You never listen.
You assume everything.

So now I'm to blame for all this.

I screwed up.
But everything I've said is true, Mum!

Chesney will back me up.

He tried telling you
why he didn't want to go to school today.

- No, he didn't.
- I did, actually. Twice!

I'm the same, Yvonne.

< Selective hearing.

- To be fair, you kids do talk a lot of bollocks.
- Shut up, Frank!

So, you're with them.

My son's bunking off.
My daughter's trying to hustle me.

My boyfriend thinks I'm a bitch.

It's all my fault, then.

Great!

Could you run us to Bettabuys?

No, get a bus!

Oh, thanks!

Half an hour!

He's just hiding
to get out of cycling proficiency.

Carrie! They could be making up.
Do you really want to interrupt that?

OK, PC O'Leary, would you say
that a good sarge

distinguishes herself
by making big calls under pressure?

I would.

Well, we need to educate the next generation
of Chatsworth cyclists. Let's go.

Lover-boy can explain his absence
to the inspector.

< Lying bitch!

< What the hell is this?

You said that safe
was full of money.

Asif, let go. Come on!

- Scaring her won't bring the money back.
- I said there was nothing in it.

I thought you were having me on.

Fucking hell! What now, eh?
How am I going to get my cash?

They've got a massive telly...

How am I going to get out of here
without getting arrested?

- We'll give you the CCTV tape.
- What?!

Look, that tape is the only proof
that you were here.

We'll give it you and then go.

Oh, so what about your mates, eh?

What about them? They only respond to
crimes and you were here shopping, right?

I'll pay you the money.

No, wait, it's not your debt.
He's a thieving scumbag!

- You, shut it!
- He sorts people out.

He's the one everybody goes to
when nobody else will help.

He's been there for plenty of families here.

Besides, what have I told you
about borrowing money?

- Pay it back before interest is due.
- I'll get you the rest.

How do I know you won't cry off?
Send bobbies round to my house?

She knows you'd give up Meena
as an accessory.

You've got to trust each other.
We all have to make out like this didn't happen.

Er... excuse me, shopkeeper!

In return for my silence...

Hey, Yvonne...

Don't push your luck!

- Give me the gun.
- I can't. It's my cousin's.

I'm not having some bloke
walking through Chatsworth with that!

...Drown my sorrows and I-I-I

Had a feeling that I belong

I- I-I

Had a feeling I could be someone...

Hear you're about to drop, girl!

Leftovers from when our Mandy had Katie.
Clogging up my cupboards.

Right, ta!

Fucking decent stuff, this!

Breast pump.
Nipple pads to soak up your leakage.

- Here, has your milk come in yet?
- No.

Really? In that case,
hit a truck the other day.

Red Cross. Shit loads of baby formula.
You can have it.

In case your baby doesn't lock on.

See ya.

All right, Mon?

No.

It's all this "baby this", "baby that".

Just chill, eh?

It's not good for you or the baby.

Got to calm down.

Think about what's best
for you both, eh?

What's best for us.

Get her out! She wants it.

I want it.
Just do it before I go mad!

Nice cup of tea, two sugars.

- You're making us go to school?
- After we've been held hostage?

Normal service resumes.

Plus, I want you back here by tea-time.
We've got stuff to sort out.

Go on!

- Close for the day, eh, Yvonne?
- No!

I'm OK.

About this morning...
I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just not great at change.

Don't beat yourself up, love.

Coming from a big family of hard bastards,
the soft didn't survive.

When I thought I'd found the man
who was going to make me happy,

he just turned out to be
a big-spending poof.

- There isn't that much to smile about.
- I make you smile, don't I?

I definitely made you smile at least twice.
Hey, hat-trick!

- Yvonne, I want to make you happy.
- Oh, Stan...

What? Come on, we had a row. Big deal!
This works. It'd be crazy to give this up.

And you know, if you want to face facts,

- neither of us is getting any younger.
- Stan, I don't want this conversation.

Why not? I'm not your folks, I'm not Kash.
I'm a good bloke and sod it! I love you.

I wasn't planning on moving in with you just
yet. That's not what these pants are about.

But it's what I want down the line. I want us
to be together. I wanna be part of your family.

Stan, stop!

- Marry me, love!
- No!

- You don't get it, do you?
- Yvonne Karib, will you marry me?!

I can't.

Stan!

Are you all right?

- It's OK.
- Talk to me.

- It's fine.
- Oh, Stan!

Thank God for bullet-proof vests!

Stan!

It's me boyfriend, he's been shot!

He's a copper!

Please hurry.

Between the shoulder and...

Oh, Causeway Parade, Chatsworth.

Please hurry, there's blood everywhere!
What can I do?

(Right... )

It's all right,
the ambulance is coming.

It's gonna be OK.
Press there for me.

Please, hurry up! He's not good.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

- (Tom) Oi, you! With both hands, please!
- Shut up! You're not even from Manchester!

BELL RINGS
Jesus!

WHISTLE SHRILLS
Right, slow down!

Right, everyone, stop!

Hit the brakes!
What did I tell you to do when I blew this?

(RADIO) 'Reports of a gunshot... '

WHISTLE
Carrie, hush yourself.

'Police office - repeat -
police officer wounded.

'Informant is a Mrs Yvonne Karib... '

Stan!

God, what've I done?

I'm scared, love.

I'm getting cold.

Really cold.

You're against the fridge, Stan.
Cuddle me.

HE PANTS

Ambulance will be here soon.

Why can't you marry me?

Don't talk about that now.
Save your strength.

I have to know... please.

If I could, I would.

But I can't.

What's stopping us? You can tell me.

I'm still married.

How?

Kash is alive.

I thought... he killed himself.

I made him fake it
to get creditors off his back.

He were up to his eyes in debt.

Nobody knows.
That's why I can't marry you.

It would just be wrong.

Yvonne...

Why didn't you tell me?

DOOR OPENS

Stan! >

Oh, Jesus Chr...!

OK, find the weapon. Yvonne...

Come on, give them room to work.
We need to let them help Stan.

HE GROANS

I need to ask you some questions.

All right, Stan? >

- Who did this?
- It were an accident.

OK. So where's the gun now?

- It just went off.
- Sarge...

All right, you stay with Stan,
and call me if...

Sure.

Look up, look away, Stan,
that's good. >

- Yvonne, I need to get you to the station.
- I wanna go with Stan.

- We'll keep you updated.
- I wanna go in the ambulance!

Best not to make this any more difficult.
Let's just get in the car, yeah? Come on.

Stan...

Don't you dare die!

(Both) You joined the Army?!

Yeah. Well, entrance test next week.

Recruitment guy reckons
I've got what it takes.

Yeah, to get your head shot off.

I don't want your death
on my conscience.

- I know the risks, I watch DVDs.
- Yeah, man, cut Rambo some slack.

He's old enough to know his own mind,
and he looks the part.

The Army is perfect for me.

Girls love the uniform,
I get to travel.

- (Man) Jamie! Two pints, please. >
- Make the most of me assets.

Your assets will be fuck all use
when you're in a sniper's sights.

Lads like you get used, Carl -
you're cannon fodder!

Piss off, lan!

I make this big life decision because you're
on my case. Now you're having a pop at me.

- I can't win with you!
- I didn't make you enlist!

- So you think I've made a mistake.
- Yeah.

Well, obviously, if you come home
in a body bag, it's a bad idea.

Stuff the lot of you!

I'm doing this!

Who dares wins.

You all right there, Mrs G?
Do you want a lift anywhere?

Nah, you're all right.

Got to walk.

Long walks and curry.

Mickey! >

- Can you take us to Balti Heaven?
- Do what?

I've got a craving.
Oh, and go via Anderson Road, eh?

Why?

Mmm.

Mmm...

SHE CHOKES

Sorry, baby,
but I'm doing this for both of us.

Oh, please let me pull over, Mrs G.

You're gonna stain me covers.
I've got to do a hen party.

No. Humps are good. I want more humps.

Frank. I need to find me husband.

Munich, Waco, Beslan...

Name one siege that ended well.

Exactly.

None.

There's my husband!

Blessed, I am.

Frank!

Frank!

I need you to take me from behind.

What did I tell ya? Blessed.

Well, come on, then - today.

I don't think I can, love.

Do you need an 'and?

- No, no, he's working...
- It's most men's fantasy, this!

A blooming woman, begging for it,
doggy, nice and deep.

I've had a very traumatic day.

Oh...

What if the nipper gets brain damage?

You know, from the thrusting?

They have that soft bit
on the top of their head...

You're not gonna hurt the baby,
you're not even gonna come close.

Now shag me! I need cock!

Give me some cock!

I can't, not with him there!

Pint and a painkiller, ta, Jamie.

Hey? Cheers.

Ta.

They don't design bars
with disabled veterans in mind.

You in the Army?

What of it?

Nothing, just... I'm joining.

Oh, right. Good for you.

No, fucking good for you, pal.

It takes a brave lad to sign up nowadays.

Queen and country.

Yeah, man.

You won't regret it.

The British Army
is the best in the world.

Takes kids and turns 'em
into ultimate warriors.

Right.

So where were you posted?

All over. Iraq, Afghanistan -
scary places, like.

Great times, though. Yup.
Best six months of my life.

That's not long.

Mmm. No.

But you know what?

I might've had me back snapped
by the Taliban,

but I've no regrets.

Be nice to piss standing up again,
like, but you can't win 'em all.

GIGGLING

You pricks!

What?

You really think I'd fall for this?
Back snapped by Taliban?

- Do you think I'm stupid?!
- Mate, it was my idea.

- He went along with it.
- You haven't thought about it properly!

And who's this twat?

Come on... Come on, get up,
so I can smack yer! Come on...

Carl! He can't!

The chair's for real.
He broke his back on the railways.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

Finally.

I've been worried sick!

Is there any news?

- Here.
- Carrie!

- He's being operated on, it's all I know.
- Is he gonna be OK?

I don't know any more than that.

When will he be out?

Yvonne...

CID are gonna wanna talk to you.

Right.

For that to happen,
you've gotta be under caution.

What?

You're gonna arrest me?!

They know the CCTV tape's missing.

They think you destroyed it
to make it look like an accident.

Cos it was!

Think very carefully about
what you say from now on, yeah?

I didn't mean it.

I wouldn't do anything to hurt Stan.

I know.

You do not have to say anything,
but it may harm your defence...

GROANING

(Monica) Oh, yeah...

Deeper, Frank!

Yeah! Go deeper!

Just try not to make a mess.

Yeah, yeah... Yeah, that's it!

Oh, oh, oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh... Oh! Oh, baby!

(Frank) Yeah, baby. Who's back on form?

(Monica) No! Baby, baby - it's comin'!

Oh, God!
I'm so charging double for this!

- Frank, where you goin'?
- Fetch...

Fetching the kids, moral support!

But I want you there!

Oh, fuck it. Take me to hospital,
I'm havin' a baby.

GROWLS

SIREN BLARES

OK, deep breaths. It will pass.
So when did your waters break?

Erm... Oh, a bit ago. This afternoon.

How far apart are your contractions?

Not very, but me tummy's going
like a tumble dryer,

so something's movin'.

Oh, girls!
You're just in time - baby's comin'.

No, it's not! You're not in labour!

- What?!
- Excuse me! I know what labour feels like!

Your waters haven't broken,
you're not dilated, you're wasting my time.

D'you know how many women
are out there, waiting to drop?!

I know my body, and I've been pooing
non-stop! That's a sign!

Yeah, of gut rot.
What you been eatin'?

Chicken Madras and castor oil.

Out!

Fuckin' lot of you!

- Won't be a minute.
- What's happened?! Does he know? Tom!

No! Stan!

Please!

I'm not a good sarge.

Nobody could have predicted
that Stan'd get shot.

You reacted like a sarge. You did good.

Shall we do this?

SOBS

Yvonne, he's fine.
Tom was just with him in hospital.

The man's a hero.
Deserves a commendation for what he did.

The masked robber just panicked
and did one.

Irony of ironies

that the gun goes off when Yvonne
hands it to me for safekeepin'.

You're free to go.

Really?!

- Oh, can I see him?
- Ward E, third floor.

Oh, go on - buy your old man a pint, son.

You run out of Carl's savings?

SARCASTIC LAUGHTER

I would just like to wet
my new baby's head.

What?!

Your mum's at the hospital,
she's probably had it by now.

No labour at that age -
slips out like a wet pig.

Carl! Mum's had a baby!

Get in! Double celebration!

What?

Dick's signed up.

Army.

Right.

Well...

he can sign up all he wants,
he's never gonna pass his medical.

Fuck off! Fit as, me. Six-minute miler.
Could lift you and you.

That's as may be,
but what you gonna do

when the bombs
and the strobes go off?

You start twitching,
going all 'king Joy Division?

You what?!

Got bad wiring, kid.

Epileptic.

No, I'm not.

SCOFFS

You were on my shoulders
at that first episode.

The lights are flashing
and you're fucking jerking.

The other ravers were copying
all your moves.

Till you started foamin'.

You're lying.
How come I can't remember?

Well, you don't, do you?

That's the nature of the storm.

It comes, it goes...

"Did that happen?"

It's a blessin'...

actually.

Shit! >

Shit!

You happy, now?!

I mean, I'm fairly sure it was him.

It was definitely one of you.

Go on, Captain Ale. Give us a thing.

I didn't tell you about Kash because...

I don't wanna think about him.

Not because I don't trust you,

not because you're a copper,
not because we're not there yet.

It's fine, Yvonne. Don't worry.

God! You look shit, Stan!

Thanks.

Is it sore?

I won't be spraying under there for a while.

So they were actually in school, then?

Yep. Catching up. Homework club.

Right. Talk to me about RE.

Well... it's the teacher, innit?
She's a bigot.

She thinks all Musis
wanna blow things up.

She turns the whole class against me.
I get abuse - that's why I've been jibbin'.

Fine. Drop it. Do something else.

You're doin' it again!
I don't wanna swap subjects.

I like RE.

Well, what do you want?

Can you talk to her? Tell her to give me
a break, without getting dark.

Course I can.

I'd better get another teacher in there
as well, though, just in case.

So what are these posh snaps like, then?

They're good.
They're really nice. Professional.

It's amazing what an airbrush can do!

Are they worth two grand?

Good portfolio, better-paid assignments.
It's a no-brainer.

OK. But until you've earned
your fortune on the catwalk,

you'll be working weekends
in the shop and settling up with me.

What?! That'll take forever!

If you can't do the time...

Fine.

Baby just wasn't ready to come out.

Monica, love, do you want something
for the stress?

Can you leave me alone, please?

I want to have a row
with the father of my baby.

Well, go on. Get it over with,
cos I've a bottle full of excuses.

- You've let me down!
- Oh, fucking...

We were supposed to be
doing this together. It ain't easy.

You're a... You'll be fine.
You're a total fuckin' pro.

You've raised more babies
than Old Mother Hubbard.

Yeah, but I need help with this one.
I'm asking you to be there for us.

Oh, fucking... Monica, I've told you...

You know this, I'm fuckin' useless
at, you know, at this stage...

Delicate little things, you know?
What can I do?

Loads! You can bath it,

you can change its nappy,
you can shove a bottle in its mouth...

- I know!
- It's a baby, Frank.

It's not gonna eat you. It needs you.

I know. What d'you think I've been
doing all these fuckin' years?

Just do what comes... naturally.

- Nat? Yeah.
- I told you that.

All right. I know.

(I know.)

I know! Go across the road to Tina Brown
and ask if we can borrow her paddling pool,

cos I think I might try
one of them water births.

I could wear me gold bikini!

Well, go on!

We need to practise.

We have to be ready,
cos baby could come any day now.

Yvonne Toni-Marie Karib,

I know you're set in your ways
and I've still got a lot to learn about you,

but from this day on, I promise
I won't make any big surprises,

or make any big demands on you.

For fear of being shot?

Absolutely.

OK, it's my go.

Stanley Dennis Waterman,

I know that you tend to...

dive into stuff...

It's a fair assumption,
I'll give you that one.

But from this day on, I'll try to be
more open to what you're divin' into.

Thank you.

Come on - this is painful!

Cut to the chase!

As a token of my commitment to you,

I give you this new four-pack
of pants from George.

Snazzy!

As a symbol of my desire
to stay over one extra night a week

and call you my girlfriend.

And as a token of mine, I'll find
a place for them in my drawer.

- Unless you want one of your own.
- Really?!

Relationships are all about
making sacrifices, right?

But don't think I'm washing
your mucky kecks! I draw the line.

HUBBUB

Shit!

You didn't tell 'em you have fits?!
You're an idiot! They'll find out.

You don't lie to the military.

I had a good chat with my careers adviser.

Doing the job I've always wanted,
shock and awe.

Hit it!

MUSIC: Nineteen by Paul Hardcastle

GIRLS SCREAM

Dozens of girls are touching you up.
Passions are running high!

Chances are...

...you might not get out alive.

What would you do fuckin' do, eh?

GUNSHOT

(Carl) 'Course, the irony of people
who can't commit

'is most of them are already on their way
to wherever it is that's freaking them out.

'You only ever get cold feet
when you're at the point of no return.

'You've just gotta make that leap.

'You always feel better
for making a decision.'

Yeah!

'As long as it's the right one, like.'

I'm leaking. I'm leaking!

That means I'll be able to give her the boob!

That's disgustin'!

Clever Mummy.

Debbie!