Shameless (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 8 - The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Alibi - full transcript

Jesus Christ, it's you again?

I guess we've been gone
for a while, so...

here's what happened.

Oh, shit.
Wait.

You guys invited Jabby?

Last time I saw you,
you asked me to dinner.

That offer still good?

What, you want
to go on a date now?

You know, I haven't
fucked that much

since seventh grade
summer camp.

You wanna do this again?

Yeah.

For our future baby.

Hell no.
Over my dead damn body.

You think I'm fucking
getting pregnant again?

If you wanna talk about
adopting a newborn,

we can discuss it.

We're gonna have a baby?

Not really.

Major Keefe?

He's my dad.
Is that a clip-on tie?

Yeah. I don't know
how to tie a real one.

No shit.

There's a loophole
for West Point.

It's there
in the fine print.

- I want you to get in.
- Why?

Because I want my boyfriend
to be West Point, Cadet.

I'm your boyfriend?

Yes.

Since when do you
have a lady, Frank?

She does run a bit hot
in terms of mental illness.

Eat the Brie.

Well, it's not about
what it looks like now.

It's about what it's gonna be.

Is this the thing
Whitford sucked you into?

Don't forget my 25K.

Yeah, you don't
have enough revenue

to carry a third loan.

Patty and I are separated.

That didn't look separated
to me.

We're getting a divorce.

Why wouldn't you just tell me
that you're married?

Take your fucking hands
off my car!

You know,
let's figure this out.

I mean, how deep are you
in the hole?

I listed my building.

Gonna be an open house
at 1 p.m.

Wait, you wanna buy it?

Could pay off your mortgages
and walk away.

But that-that'll leave me
with nothing, Max.

Back at the Gallagher house.

♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪ Oh, you feel it creep ♪

♪ Creeping at the tempo ♪

♪ Don't you need it pump ♪

♪ Pumpin' till it crumble ♪

♪ Trouble, trouble's
what you need ♪

Oh, Christ.

♪ That's what you gettin'
with me ♪

♪ What you need ♪

♪ From the bottom of your ♪

♪ So-o-o-oul ♪

♪ Shame, shame,
shame, shame ♪

♪ Devil woman wants
to roll, ooh ♪

♪ I can make you shake ♪

♪ Rattle your bones ♪

- Carl?
- Hmm?

We gotta go.

The major will be up soon.

Man, I slept like a rock.

Me too.

I love sleeping outside.

We don't really have a choice.

Shut up.

I can't help it if I'm loud.

♪ Rattle your bones ♪

Move it.
We're gonna get caught.

♪ Wow, wow, wow, wow ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it up ♪

♪ Uh-huh, shake it up ♪

♪ I'ma stir it up ♪

♪ Like a cherry in the cup ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it up,
uh-huh, shake it up ♪

♪ I'ma stir it up
like a cherry in the ♪

♪ Cup, ooh ♪

♪ It's that time of night
and, ooh ♪

♪ The feeling's right
and, ooh ♪

♪ If you want
to change it up ♪

♪ Come shake it up with me ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it up,
uh-huh, shake it up ♪

♪ I'ma stir it up
like a cherry in the cup ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it up,
uh-huh, shake it up ♪

♪ I'm a stir it up
like a cherry in the ♪

♪ Cup ♪

Stop staring at me, weirdo.

- I'm fucking hungry.
- Yeah.

Oh.

- You forget how to knock?
- Sorry.

Thought you were asleep.

What are you... what the hell?

I'm out.

- So you use mine?
- Thank you.

Hey, Jabby.

Jabby?

Fuck.

♪ Kick, kick it up,
uh-huh, let's kick it up ♪

♪ Money on the floor... ♪

Morning.

Yep.

What time did you
get home last night?

I don't know.
Late.

Ah!

Sorry.

Good morning, go-getters.

Does anyone else
wanna come in this bathroom

while I'm in the shower?

Should we invite the neighbors?

I gotta piss
like a racehorse.

Ugh!

♪ Shake it, shake it up,
uh-huh, shake it up ♪

♪ I'ma stir it up
like a cherry in the cup ♪

- Hey.
- Morning.

Morning, Jabby.

- Seriously?
- Aw, is Jabby

grumpy this morning?

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

Yep. Five bucks.

Or you can just net-net it.

- Five bucks?
- Dude.

It's single origin.

Hey, I'm gonna hit
a spin class before work.

- You wanna come?
- Do I look like I spin?

Hey, Jabby, if you're gonna
be here every night,

I'm gonna need you to start
pitching in for rent.

What? No.

I mean, Byron practically
lives here.

He's never paid a dime.

- I buy the coffee.
- Okay.

What is your actual job, Byron?

Byron is designing
an app.

Byron's a feckless
little bitch.

- Hey, watch it.
- You watch it.

Okay, why don't
we all breathe?

Breathe a dick, Byron.

Later, Major.

Hey, sports fan.

Destroyer escort.

Kola class.

USSR.

CVA Kitty Hawk.

USA.

SSN Nautilus. USA.

Sea Wolf.

Damn it.

Tie up your loose ends,
sailor.

Yes, sir.

Have fun
at softball camp today.

See you tonight.

♪ My manager's slackin' ♪

♪ So I gotta move quick ♪

♪ I'm lackin'
in natural gifts ♪

♪ I'm an ugly motherfucker ♪

♪ But I work hella harder ♪

♪ And you can write a blog
about it ♪

♪ Can't knock the hustle ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Can't knock the hustle ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Open up, Kev.

We got a line out here.

Oh, look who's here.

- Good morning.
- Excited to see you too.

- Morning, Hazel.
- Gentlemen.

All right,
we should get going.

We're gonna be late.

Where you guys going?

Today is the day

I finally get a son.

But don't worry,
Hazel's gonna make sure

you're not sober.

But you already got a kid.

Two of 'em.

Yeah, a foster kid.

Finally got approved.

- How old is he?
- Twelve.

- His name is Santiago.
- I wanted a baby,

but there was
a really long waiting list,

so we're gonna get
an older one for now.

But I finally get the son
I never had.

Little League games.

Boxing. Tagging trains.

You know you can do all that
with the girls, right?

Be nice to have
an older kid around.

Yeah, he can help
watch the girls.

Good idea.
I can't wait to leave

my children with some random
12-year-old boy.

V, he's not some random
12-year-old boy.

He's our random
12-year-old boy.

We're gonna need a man cave.

Beer on tap. TVs.
A bar.

What do you call this?

Work.

All right, we gotta go.
Let's hit it.

- Have fun.
- Hazel, we will be back.

Breakfast, boys.

Greatest war movie
of all time.

- Nope.
- No? What do you mean?

There are too many
different kinds.

Are-are you talking
World War II?

Vietnam? Gulf War?

And then are you talking
invasion, special ops,

or a specific battle?

Hell, submarine movies
are their own category.

- Okay, what's your favorite submarine...
- Hunt for Red October.

Over Crimson Tide?

- Yes, although Das Boot...
- Hold on... hold... Stop the truck.

Look at all these scooters.

They're not even locked up.

'Cause people don't own them.

They share them.

They share them?

Yeah, they pay to use them,

and then they leave them
wherever when they're done.

That's stupid.
I could just steal 'em,

sell 'em on the South Side,
make a good buck.

It has a GPS tracker in it.

I can get rid of that
in, like, two minutes.

You know how many LoJacks
I've gotten rid of before?

Okay. That's hot.

What's going on?

Getting ready
to knock it down.

What? Why?

Making room for condos.

Gonna take up
the whole block.

No shit.

I used to own this building.

Yeah? I used to own
Sears Tower.

Hey. Nice, thanks
for getting breakfast.

If I was at softball camp
right now,

I'd be running laps.

Suckers.

What are you guys up to today?

Oh, you know,
same old, same old:

junk food, binge,
junk food, nap.

Uh, run through the sprinkler.

Work on my essay.

Still watching Dexter?

Nah, finished it.

Now we're on Friends.

Nice, what's next?

On to G. Gilmore Girls.

I'm living the dream.

Hey, knock-knock.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Morning.

Hello, beautiful.

Okay, let's go.

Where are you going?

Uh, don't know.
Ingrid?

It's a surprise.

I love surprises!

Liam was one.

Where's my Egg McMuffin?

Frank.

Ugh.

What the hell?

Fuck.

Morning, Dottie.

You have power?

Morning, Ms. Sink.

You have power too?

Who's asking?

It's Debbie.
From down the street.

Mind your business.

We're the only ones
without power.

We forget
to pay the bills?

I don't know.
Fiona pays them.

I'll call her.

$475,000.

Max, you motherfucker.

You sold my building.

Hey. We are out
of a ton of stuff.

Eggs, straws, ground beef,
hash browns,

tomatoes, blah, blah, blah.

But I ordered it,
'cause I take initiative.

It'll be here today.

Also, the ice machine's broken.
But don't worry.

I handled it.
The guy's on his way.

I'm good at my job.

And I say this 'cause
I love my fellow employees,

hopefully you're getting
our paychecks out tomorrow?

Yep. Thanks.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm tired.

Okay.

We're here.

Are you ready?

Yep. Ready. Ready.

Okay.

Surprise!

Where?

I froze my eggs.

They're in here.

You want to see 'em
up close?

Oh, yes.

Let me see my babies.

Hi.

All my life,

all I ever wanted
was to be a mother.

But Randy was always
so against it.

Wouldn't even talk about it.

But now I have you.

You've given me
a second chance.

- I have?
- Mm.

Frank...

would you fertilize my eggs?

Are you kidding me?

I would be honored to introduce
my little Frankies

to your little Ingrids.

Oh, Frank.

Thank you so much.

But we never got
a bill.

No, I'm not still
at 4503 Wolfcrest.

That's my sister's old address.

Oh, well, is that where
you sent the bill?

Okay, well, that makes sense.

Thank you.

Are you sure
this is the right place?

This is the address
she gave me.

Casa De Oro.

Yep. This is the place.

Can I help you?

Yeah, uh, we're here
to see May?

Great, have a seat

and I'll let her know
you're here.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

These remind me
of my group home.

Aw, they gave you candy?

It was our supper.

speaking Spanish

speaking Spanish

They look like runners.

I bet they're on the track team
or something.

Do we get to name him
after he's ours?

I don't know.

Little Kev.

- Kevin Jr.
- Hmm!

KJ.
Ooh, that's good.

KJ Ball.

KJ Ball?
Are you kidding me?

Sounds like a sports name
if I ever heard one.

God, I hope
he plays baseball.

What if he plays soccer?

V, do not ruin this for me
right now, okay?

No one's playing soccer.

♪ You're a gift from above ♪

♪ You're a gift
from above ♪

♪ Child, you were
sent here to love ♪

♪ Ooh, show them all love ♪

♪ Baby, shower your love ♪

♪ Baby, all we really need
is love ♪

♪ They say you can't have
nice things ♪

♪ And your soles
will be worn ♪

♪ 'Cause your dirt road
ain't paved ♪

♪ Your clothes and your
self-worth are torn ♪

♪ But, baby, you got
a song to sing ♪

♪ So to hell with that,
just shout... ♪

Saucer on the counter.

- Thanks.
- Okay.

Sweet Jesus.

Hi. Pardon me.

Ugh!

Hey, not the sound
you wanna hear

when you're eating
in a restaurant.

What's up?

Have you seen the gum
under all the tables?

- No.
- It's disgusting.

You know,
what do you guys do?

Make sure to chew gum
on your way over?

Like, "Going to Patsy's."

Better chew some gum

"so I can shove it up
under the tables?"

Sorry.

God.

- Ugh.
- She okay?

I'm not sure.

She's acting kinda crazy.

Little bit.

What'd they say?

Two and a half months
past due.

That's not that bad.

Not that bad?

Do you not pay your bills
or something?

We don't use electricity.

It's against the Koran.

- Really?
- No, it's a joke.

You think Muslims don't
believe in electricity?

So they gonna turn
the power back on or what?

Yeah, once I pay them $800

plus a reactivation fee

plus a past due charge.

Fuckers. That's extortion.

Yeah, no shit.

Would you like me to send
a suicide bomber?

Sweet of you to offer,

but no, thanks.
I think I'll just pay it.

Suit yourself.

None of the other bills
have been paid either:

gas, cable, water.

Whoops.

- Hey.
- What's up, Tami?

Boys.

I found a cool apartment
I want to show you.

Wanna check it out?

Uh... yeah, no, I would.

I'm just, uh... you know,

working.

Well, you get a lunch break,
don't you?

Uh, no, not really.

What the hell, Brad?

You don't give your employees
a lunch break?

We got work to do.

We kinda just eat
whenever we can.

What a dick.

Hey, Gordon Ramsay,
this isn't Hell's Kitchen.

You know, people
get lunch breaks.

You should unionize.

Really?

Come on. Let's eat.

He'll be back in an hour.

It's your sister-in-law.

Yeah, and he's a Brad.

Now all we gotta do is wait.

I can't believe nobody's
ever thought of this.

Yeah, you know, if these people
can afford to pay for yoga,

they can afford to pay me
to rent a scooter.

Uh...

excuse me, um...

I think you have my scooter
in the back of your truck.

Your scooter?

Nah, these are public scooters.

We gotta share 'em.

Yeah, you're not sharing them.

You're hogging them.

Well, I'm happy
to rent you one.

- Ten bucks.
- What?

No, I... that...

that's extortion.

Technically it's racketeering,
but sure.

Okay. I'll call
Better Business Bureau.

Okay. Whatever the fuck
that is.

Come on. We need these
to go get a boba.

And I, for one,
am not walking.

Yeah, we're going
to get boba.

Well, maybe if you took a walk
every once in a while,

you wouldn't have to spend
25 bucks on yoga.

I need a scooter, dude.
I just did an hour of hot yoga.

I don't know what
to tell you, dude.

They're already on the truck.

Them's the rules.

Fine.

Ten bucks.

- It's 15 now.
- What?

Yeah, 'cause you're ungrateful.

You know what?
This is such bullshit.

This neighborhood's
going to shit.

Fuck this.
I'm out.

- Thank you for your business.
- Mm.

We good?

So far.

We're very excited.

Need both of your initials

everywhere there's a blank.

Be right back.

Oh, this is good.

speaking Spanish.

This is Santiago.

Santiago...

speaking Spanish.

Doesn't speak a word
of English.

- No problem.
- Great.

No problemo.

He knows the national
anthem, though.

♪ Oh, say, can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's
early light ♪

That's beautiful.

- ♪ What so proudly ♪
- This is gonna be so great.

- ♪ We hailed ♪
- So great.

Living area.

Master bedroom.
Stainless steel appliances.

This place is huge.
I don't need this much space.

Hey, just look at it.

See the outside?
Your own private patio?

- Yeah.
- So you can smoke.

Look, if I get an apartment,
it's gonna be a studio.

Fine.

But I'm not fucking
on some daybed

next to a kitchenette.

Why not?

We also offer a large amount
of community amenities:

state-of-the-art gym,
sauna,

quartz crystal fire pit.

What, like a grill?

No, no, like, on our
rooftop social area.

We got a 50-inch
outdoor fire pit.

Good for hanging out with
your friends during the winter.

Drink some rosé. Chill.

Why would I want
to freeze outside

when I could be inside?

There's heat lamps, buddy.

Okay.

Yo, yo, yo.

All right.

I'm gonna tell you something.

But when I tell you,
don't look, all right?

Okay.

This guy has maybe

the biggest dick
I've ever seen.

How do you know?

It's bulging through his pants.

It's like a fucking
balloon animal.

Don't look, though.
Don't look.

Whoa.

- You like?
- Dude.

No way that's real.

It's real.

Bullshit.

You seriously walk around

with a giant rubber dildo
in your pants?

Come on. We gotta go.
I can't live here, all right?

- If you don't believe me...
- Hey, no, we believe you, man.

- We believe you, okay?
- That's not real.

- It's not.
- Either way,

I don't want that guy
fixing my sink.

Hey, champ.

Need a scooter?

Go to hell.

We got one left.

Yeah, man.
You look exhausted.

You know,
you guys are assholes.

Assholes with scooters.

You want one?

Do you really have
nothing better to do?

Hey, you're the one
that's walking around

in the middle of the day.

Yeah, at least
we're racketeering.

We're still here.

That was totally worth it.

We should run over
that fucker.

Mr. Gallagher?

There's a collection room
around the corner,

and this is for your
semen collection.

My semen collection.

A new line of menswear.

Peacoats.
Captain's hats.

Just get your stuff
inside the cup.

And make sure you wash
and rinse your hands

thoroughly beforehand.

Things to look at?

There will be some material
in the restroom

if you need it.

Thank you.

I'm going to the bank.

What about gum patrol?

Keep an eye.
See you later.

- My favorite customer.
- What's up, Ilya?

What is up?
You know.

Living American dream.

- Huh.
- My own store.

What can I say?

Yeah. Can I get a
half pint of Stoli,

Marlboro Silvers, and a...

scratcher, please?
The crossword one.

Russian lunch.

Yeah.

No. That's joke.

Not really Russian lunch.

We like many foods.

Do you need matches?

No.
Nobody ever needs matches.

If you say so.
That's twenty-eight.

Here's your change.

See you tomorrow.

You bet.

That was quick.

Here's the thing.

That material,
as you call it, is subpar.

It's from the '70s.

It's on videotape,
for Christ's sake.

The women have pubic hair.

I feel like I'm watching
my parents have sex.

It actually made me sad.

So needless to say,
my cup is empty,

as is my desire.

Do you have anything else?
Something...

from the early '90s?

Some Nina Hartley?

Racquel Darrian, perhaps?

- Sorry.
- What about crazy?

You got any videos
of crazy people having sex?

No, sir.
That's all we have.

Okay. Work with me here.
What about my girlfriend?

Could I bring Ingrid in
to help me

bust a-a collection?

That would be fine,
but you both need to

thoroughly, thoroughly
wash and rinse your hands.

And saliva and/or lubricant
are prohibited,

as they will pollute
the sample.

Fine.

Thank you, Dawn.

I'm off to Spunkytown.

Why are we looking
at apartments?

Uh, 'cause you still live
with your brothers and sisters

in a sad house?

So?

You live with two bitches
and Byron.

Is that better?

No, it's not.

That's why you need a place.

What, you want
to move in together?

No, in your dreams.

No, all I'm saying is,
one of us

needs to have an apartment
so that we have a fuck pad.

So man up.
Get your own place.

Why don't you get
your own place?

I can't.
My name's on the lease.

Those bitches sublet.

All right, well,
I can't either.

You know,
I don't have your life:

single-origin coffee,
spin class,

Murphy's Bleachers...

- I live in West Town.
- So what?

So you hate staying
at my apartment.

I hate sleeping
at your place.

We gotta figure
something out.

All right, you know,
I've been thinking about

turning our basement
into a bedroom.

Okay, is it nice?

No, but it could work.

All right.

We just... we gotta
figure something out

before I murder Byron.

Guy's a vegetarian.

- He wears pajamas.
- That guy's an asshole.

Also, we used to date.

What? How?

I was experimenting, okay?

Instead of a lesbian,
I chose Byron.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Ugh, I know.

Blegh.

Look.

I'm not getting an apartment
right now, but, uh,

let's stay at my house tonight

and we'll see if
the basement'll work.

Fine.

Okay, but If I'm
staying in that dump,

we gotta make some changes.

All right.

What are you getting here?

Uh, Chicago dog.

Cool. Get me one too.

Hey, everyone.

I'd like you to meet
our son, Santiago.

Santiago...

these people.

- Cheers.
- Welcome.

- Hi.
- Does he speak English?

Uh, no.
But he sings it.

He knows how to sing
"The Star-Spangled Banner."

♪ Oh, say ♪

- Sorry.
- ♪ Can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

He really, really
loves this song.

Yeah, sang it all the way home.

♪ What so proudly
we hailed ♪

♪ At the twilight's
last gleaming ♪

♪ Whose broad stripes
and bright stars ♪

♪ Through the perilous fight ♪

♪ O'er the ramparts
we watched ♪

♪ Were so gallantly
streaming ♪

♪ Oh, say, does that
star-spangled ♪

♪ Banner yet wave ♪

♪ O'er the land ♪

♪ Of the free ♪

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the ♪

♪ Brave ♪

Hey, Tommy, you know
Spanish, right?

From your job sites and shit?

Yeah, a little bit.

Can you talk to Santiago
for us?

- Sure.
- Thanks, man.

Santiago.

Andale. Trabajo.

Vámonos.

Really?

Sorry, that's all I know.

You little spaceman.

You dirty little astronaut.

Ouch.

Where's your rocket, bitch?

Okay, yeah, yeah.

- Ooh!
- Yeah, there we go.

- There, we see it now.
- That worked.

- Yeah. Oh, Houston.
- Okay. Okay.

Houston,
we have liftoff.

That's right.
There we go now.

- Look at that.
- You're gonna go.

- Get the bottle!
- I got it! I got it!

- I got it.
- Okay.

Blastoff!

Mm.

I recently lost my father
to a skydiving accident.

The propeller.
I can't talk about it.

He was all I had.

If you take away my cable,

oh, I might have
to hang myself.

You're evil.

Hey, Carpool.

Fucking Max Whitford.

It's a hell of a view.

Yeah.

You know what I love

about afternoon?

Evening
is just around the corner.

Happy hour.

Everybody's in a good mood.

And then right after that,
nighttime.

You get to celebrate
the end of another day.

So how'd you wind up here?

- You mean homeless?
- Mm-hmm.

I was a music producer.

- No shit, really?
- Yeah.

Big-time. Jazz.

What happened?

MP3s killed the industry.

Hey.

Hey, I won two bucks.

No shit.

Awesome.

♪ Prison cell and paradise ♪

♪ Should've kept
my dirty laundry ♪

♪ And my hands to myself ♪

♪ I gave you every reason ♪

♪ I did a bad, bad thing... ♪

Hi.

Unfortunately I can only
pay half right now.

But please don't turn off
my gas.

It's the only way
I can heat up the MREs

my husband sends me from Yemen

for our daughter.

Actually, I was hoping
you could give me a break

on the late fees.

You see, I was
recently diagnosed with...

I don't want to bore you
with the details.

But I only have a few months
left to live.

As a proud organ donor,

all of these will be
up for grabs pretty soon.

Except for the colon.

Not the colon.

♪ I did a bad, bad thing ♪

All right, we have
the results back

from your sperm analysis.

Fantastic. Wait, I want
Ingrid to-to hear this.

Uh, uh, I-I wouldn't.

I-I'm afraid
your motility score,

which is the percentage
of sperm that are moving,

is very low.

In fact,

you had only one motile sperm.

What? How is that possible?

- One.
- Bet it's a fighter, though.

- Right?
- He's barely moving.

You also have
a very low concentration

of sperm
in your semen.

Are-are you sure you tested
the right sperm?

I'm as fertile as a bumblebee.

I got six ungrateful kids
to prove it.

Well, take a look.

Is this slow motion?

I wish.
The rest are dead.

Look at him.

Jesus.

Poor little bastard
has no idea.

Are you currently
taking any medications?

Well...

y-yeah, there's
the anti-rejection medication

I take for my
liver transplant.

The occasional
random pharmaceutical.

That could be affecting your
motility and concentration.

Uh, sometimes prescriptions

can negatively affect
the sperm count.

I'm sorry,
but we won't be able

to successfully fertilize.

Ingrid's eggs with your sperm.

Can I have another chance?

I-I really think
they were lethargic

because of the sterile
environment.

If I could do it at home

with some decent visual aids,

I think you'd really see
what my boys can do.

♪ Who do it better ♪

♪ Tell me,
who do it better... ♪

Take the cup.

But we need the specimen
back within two hours

of it exiting the body.

And it needs to be kept warm,

so keep it close to the body.

And please don't use
any condoms or lubricant,

as those negatively affect
the sample.

No condoms.
No lube.

Two hours.
Got it.

What'd she say?

Tell me.

- It's all good news.
- Really?

That's great.

But they-they're not
gonna fertilize

the eggs just yet.

Why not?

They-they just want
to observe the sperm

for a couple hours, you know,

so they can select
the strongest swimmers.

So I was gonna pop out
and run a few quick errands.

Perfect.

I'm so happy.

Hey, I left my debit card
at home.

Could you spot me
some walking-around money?

I'll pay you back.

Oh, sure.

Of course.
Here you go.

- You're perfect.
- Mm.

Thanks for driving.

No problem.

There she is.

Hi.

Hi, pretty girl.

Did you miss me?

Do you remember Farhad?

Say, "Hi, Farhad."

- Beer?
- Yes.

Thanks.

Jesus, why is it so cold?

Beer doesn't need
to be cold.

It's delicious enough
as it is.

Five? What the fuck?

Carl!

What? What?

Could you come
to the kitchen, please?

Sorry, didn't mean
to interrupt nap time.

No. It woke us up
when the power came back on.

Scared the shit out of us.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I took care of the bills,
by the way.

Cost 1,700 bucks.

- Damn.
- Yeah.

You can pay me back.

I've been giving Fiona
money for the bills.

So has Lip. She just
hasn't been paying them.

Just because Lip and I
both have jobs

doesn't mean we're gonna be
paying for everything now.

Especially now that Ian
is in prison

and Frank is Frank.

So...

the squirrel fund is back.

Everyone needs to step up.

Damn.

Debbie has the con.

He is a hard worker.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Tommy.

Now I can't get him to stop.

Hey, can I borrow him?

My mom's yard looks like shit.

Did-did he come
with a leaf blower?

Santiago.

Baseball?

Good catch, buddy.
Toss it back to me now.

Kid brought the heat.

Oh, my God,
he's got a cannon.

This is gonna be
the best summer ever.

I am so proud of you.

You remember Mrs. Hernandez
from the dry cleaners'?

Of course. How you doing,
Mrs. Hernandez?

I'm fine, thank you.

Mrs. Hernandez,

this is Santiago, the boy
I was telling you about.

Mrs. Hernandez,
we were wondering, though,

if you could ask some questions
of Santiago for us.

His favorite snacks.

- His favorite movies.
- Favorite toys.

Okay.
Speaking Spanish.

Hola.

Ask him if he knows
how to throw a changeup.

He crossed the border
with his father and sister.

They were looking for asylum,
but they got separated.

And now he doesn't know
where they are.

Hmm.

Wait, he has family here?

They come here 'cause
they're afraid to be killed.

Well, he's ours now.

We signed the paperwork.

And I love him.

We can't keep this kid.

Yes, we can.
He has an amazing arm.

He has a family.

Mmm.
Damn.

These are tasty.

All we ever had at my house
was trail mix and oranges.

Can I have another beer?

Yeah, sure.

Damn. Why are these warm?

One? It's supposed
to be at five.

What the fuck?

You know, I got the GPS
out of this thing,

but it still won't work.

Hmm. Wait, hold on a second.

- What's up?
- Their website says

that if you recharge
the scooters,

- they'll pay you.
- How much?

Uh, between five and 20
a scooter?

- Per scooter?
- What?

- Holy shit.
- All you gotta do is sign up.

And find a bunch
of them bitches, though.

I can help you.

How you two doing?

Fine.

Yeah?

How 'bout you?
How you doing?

Great.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Hey, could I talk
to you upstairs?

I'll be right back.

All right, what do
you want, Frank?

Kelly seems nice.

A little sad.

Yeah, well,
she's not sad.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I recognize that vacant stare.

I've known a lot
of women, Carl.

And that woman is not getting
what she wants in bed.

Shut up, Frank.

You know what it is.
She wants sex.

Ten times a day.

Not fucking snack time.

Act like a Gallagher,
for the love of God.

Okay, I can have sex
anytime, anywhere.

Oh, bullshit.

I got 20 bucks
that says

you can't go
in that bathroom...

That's a hundred.

Holy crap.

Well, 20 of it says

you can't go in that bathroom
right now

and rub one out
in under three minutes.

I'm trying to help you.

If that woman downstairs
yells, "Jump,"

you better answer, "How hard?"

Make it a hundred.

No. The bet's 20.

No, wait. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Okay. Fine.

It's all right.
Jesus Christ.

A hundred.

What the fuck is that?

I gotta have proof.

You want me to come in there
with you and watch?

Under three minutes.

- No lube, no saliva.
- No problem.

Hey, Carl.
Remember the time

we walked in on Aunt Ginger
and saw her tits?

Hey, Frank.
Shut the fuck up.

Were they something?

Been watching this thing
on the, uh, nature channel

about hippopotamuses,
their balls...

- All right, all right.
- That's just cheating.

Their dicks are about
two feet long.

Sorta pink.

Slimy pink things.

Big bulbous head on it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
if I can...

have your attention, please.

This is a jar

full of gum

from under the tables.

Yeah. Yummy.

Is this a reprimand?

No.

I'm a fun person.

I like to have fun. So...

whoever can correctly guess
how many pieces of chewing gum

are in this jar wins a 12-pack.

We will pass the jar around.

You can write down your guesses

and hand 'em in to your server.

An 11-pack.

♪ Thought you could
take control ♪

♪ Betrayin' players all ♪

♪ Whoa, yeah ♪

♪ Thought we would
close our eyes ♪

♪ As you plan our demise ♪

♪ Whoa, yeah ♪

♪ And so you find out when
we'll bring this to an end ♪

♪ 'Cause we will
make a stand ♪

♪ Sure, we will make a stand ♪

♪ Tell me what
you're thinking ♪

♪ 'Cause I know
you feel the same ♪

♪ Yeah, tell me what
you're thinkin' ♪

♪ 'Cause I know
you feel the same ♪

♪ There ain't
no other option ♪

♪ But to find ♪

♪ Another way ♪

You could get another shift
tomorrow night, maybe.

- I hope so.
- Hey, Debs.

- Hi.
- All right...

- There you go.
- Thanks.

Yeah, I can get you more
if you need, all right?

- What's up, Farhad?
- What's up, man?

- This is Farhad.
- Don't-care-had.

Nice to meet you.
And I'm going home.

All right,
I'll see you later.

- Thanks, Debs.
- See you guys.

Huh.

So what do you think?

I mean, this could work, right?

You know, when you
said basement,

I was like, "The only people
who live in basements"

are serial killers
or 14-year-olds."

This is way worse.

Smells like something
died down here.

Oh, yeah.
Lots of things died down here.

Were they babies?

No. Dogs.

Ah.

Was this also
a homeless encampment?

Kinda.

Okay, was Silence of the Lambs
filmed down here?

I mean, where's the pit?

You know, it's actually
out back.

Come on, I'll show you.

Come on.

Finally.

The chance to have
what everyone else has.

Children.

You've given me that, Frank.

I don't know that I can
ever thank you enough.

Should we say a little prayer?

That's a great idea.

I'll do it,
since I was Catholic.

Mm.

Heavenly Father,

sweet Mary,

that donkey,
little drummer boy,

as my swimmers swim
through the valley

of the shadow of death,
may they fear no evil.

May my rod and my staff

have power and glory

forever and ever,
amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

That was beautiful.

Hello, Doctor.

Frank, Ingrid.

How are we looking?

It's a miracle.

Your motility
and concentration scores

are through the roof.

Whoo-hoo!

Some of the highest
I've ever seen.

Yeah. So...

my boys can swim, eh?

Swim?

Whoa.

Hello, laddies.

Half of them tried to leap
out of the Petri dish.

That's my boys.

So, uh, you think
our chances are good?

I'm extremely optimistic.

Whew.

Thank you.

That's amazing.

Th-thank you,
Dr. Kwan.

Don't thank me.
Thank Frank.

Frank, thank you.

- Thank you.
- You bet.

Thank you.

You guys have got
to start living like grown-ups,

and that starts
in the bathroom.

All right.

Okay. All right.

Okay, okay, okay.

So you've got, uh,

a bottle of dishwashing liquid
in the shower

and a bar of soap
with five different colors

of pubes on it.

Wait, you guys can't all
share one bar of soap.

No, no, I don't.

That's why I have
the dishwashing liquid.

Is that why you always
smell like lemons?

Yeah, I like lemons.

Once you're in your 20s,

you should have at least two
bath towels that match.

Now that I'm in my 20s,
I'm just glad

I'm not in fucking jail.

Fair.

Cheers.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

Oh, uh, miss?

Hi.

Um, I asked for no dressing.

- You sure?
- Yeah, positive.

Yeah, this dressing
contains mayonnaise,

and I'm allergic to eggs.

I'm allergic to people
with allergies.

You don't hear me whining.

Excuse me?

I'd like to speak
to the manager.

Okay.

Hi.

You wanted to speak
to the manager?

What seems to be the problem?

- You're the manager?
- Mm-hmm.

- Well, you're rude.
- Okay.

- Oh, no, are you leaving?
- Yeah.

And I'm never coming back.

Okay, 'cause what
I could really use

are some more customers
who are allergic to food.

Bye.

This is alive.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me see.

- What are you doing?
- Sterilizing it.

Just a minute.
Kills the bacteria.

No, you guys.
That's a myth.

It actually creates
super bacteria,

which is even more dangerous.

Oh, you see, we're a bit
more worried about

super-tweaky
meth freaks, so...

Okay, well,
sponges are, like,

five for a dollar,
so you shouldn't have

a maintenance plan
for your sponge.

When it gets dirty,
just throw it away.

Gotcha.

Do you guys reuse your Q-tips?

No, don't answer that.

Also, there's one more thing.

- What is this?
- It's a box of clean underwear.

Yeah, we share our underwear.

I don't have time to fold.
Do you, Debs?

- Nope.
- Oh.

Okay.

All right, I'm a little
surprised I have to say this,

but you guys should each have
your own underwear.

Why do you give a shit?

No one's asking you
to stay here.

You can go.

We had a mom once.

She didn't stick around.

Okay, sorry.

I was just making a suggestion.

So was I.

Hey, I thought I was
the angry one.

- What are you doing?
- Vampire power.

Appliances use electricity
just from being plugged in.

So that's why I'm
going to make sure

shit stays unplugged
from now on.

- That's smart.
- Whoa, watch out.

- Whoa, Jesus.
- What's up?

- Hi.
- Here.

- Where'd you get this from?
- Yeah, I won a bet.

God, you guys, seriously.

We do not need this fan
plugged in.

I could fly a fucking kite
in here.

What...

what the hell is going on?

So for every one of these
we recharge,

we make, like, 15 bucks.

So we're gonna go out
every single day,

collect 'em,
and recharge 'em.

Mm-hmm.

- Carl.
- What?

I just paid an $800
electric bill.

You cannot be charging
scooters in here.

Power's not free.

I'm not using our power.

♪ Got your mind on a mission ♪

♪ A sick city vision ♪

♪ The sun and moon
are kissing for you ♪

♪ Hey... ♪

Just so you know,
this is considered stealing.

Hey, just so you know,
the people that live here

have a sign
in their front yard that says.

"Drive like your kids
live here."

Plug that fucker in.

♪ Hey, gotta get down,
gotta shake it to the ground ♪

♪ I'm a runaround ♪

All right, turn this
into more drinks, please.

Evening, dream team.

Can I get a...

a beer and a bump?

- What?
- That's my stool.

Well, tough shit.
Looks like it's my stool now.

Come on, it's my stool.
That's where I sit.

Come on, let me sit here.

Get... fuck.
All right, fine. Jesus.

Who's the new barback?

That's Santiago.

He's staying with us
until we find his father.

Wh-where'd he come from?

What we thought
was Child Services.

Santiago said that there are
1,000 boys living there.

Got separated
from their families.

Crying, sleeping on the floor.

Wearing tinfoil blankets.

- What the fuck?
- It's like the Trail of Tears.

I don't remember exactly
what that was,

but they wouldn't call it that
if they weren't crying.

Well, they are here
illegally.

They were
escaping violence.

They came to Chicago
to escape violence?

I don't see what
the big deal is.

They got some hot meals,
somewhere to sleep.

It's kind of like
a summer camp for them.

It's gotta be better
than where they came from.

Yeah, Tommy, it's a regular
fucking country club.

What are you doing?

I am not with you on this.

They got separated
from their parents.

You know, their lives
were so shitty

that they risked everything
to come to this country,

of all places.

Yeah, land of the free.

Home of the brave.

Yeah, at least the brave part
is still true.

- ♪ Oh, say... ♪
- No, no.

Silencio. Por favor.

Silencio.

Can I buy you a drink?

Yes.

Hey, pump the brakes,
cool breeze.

- She's had enough.
- What?

Let the guy buy me a drink

if he wants to buy a girl
a drink.

Two rum and diets, please.

- Do you wanna... party?
- Sure.

No.

Nope, no, no.

Nope.

Nope, nope, no.

Come on.

- What'd I do?
- I don't like you.

But I dropped something.

What the fuck is that?

What? What?

That scratching noise.

I don't hear anything.

Something is crawling around
inside your walls.

It's probably rats
the size of toasters.

There, that.

There it is again.

There.

Fixed it.

Hey, Gallaghers.

Got a present for ya.

Now what?

Shit.

Jesus.

She's fine.
Just passed out.

Sweet dreams, baby girl.

Well, she's all yours.

We gotta get back to the bar.

- Thanks, guys.
- Thanks.

She do this a lot?

Yeah.

Well, lately.

Santiago singing "The Star-
Spangled Banner" in Spanish