Shameless (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - Down Like the Titanic - full transcript

Hey, buddy!

You missed it, didn't you?

Last week.

Want to know what happened?

Huh?

Give me a buck.

Ooh!
Met a woman.

Crazy as a loon.

Made my heart stir
and my loins moist.

Dr. Jones?
Dr. Ingrid Jones?

My medications were off.
Wasn't the real me.

I think it was the real you,
and I loved it.

[Tami] Probably the worst lay
I've ever had.

[retches]
You fuck for shit.

Fuck you, I fuck for shit.

See you later, Jabby!

[Lip] You sure Fiona said
she was gonna drive you?

[Ian] Yep.

I'm gonna miss you.

[Ian] I love you guys.

[gate buzzes]

If I don't come up
with 25 grand,

I'm gonna be in default
on my partnership agreement

and lose
my $100,000 investment.

Then I'll have to foreclose
on my apartment building.

- Is Ford here?
- I got this, Patty.

You said Patty
was your mother.

I'm his wife.

I'm such a fucking idiot!

- Take your fucking hands...
- No!

- ...off my car!
- Fiona!

[crying]

[crash]

[groaning]

Fuck.

Fiona!

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were beaming
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were willing
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

[alarm ringing]

[Lip] What the fuck?

- [Carl] Jesus fucking Christ.
- [Debbie] Smoke?

Does anyone smell smoke?

It's not the smoke alarm.

Where is that sound
coming from?

You know, it could be a bomb.

It's not a bomb.

Watch out, bud.

[groans softly]

[ringing continues]

[laughs]

Oh, fucker.

Ian.

[Carl scoffs]
Shithead.

[laughs]
Genius.

Oh, that's so sweet.

He doesn't want us
to forget him.

[Lip] Yeah, it's real sweet.

All right,
go to bed, guys.

[laughs]

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Ingrid] Three, two,

one, go!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Whoo!

[laughs]

Wha-ho!
Well?

- Five and a half seconds.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes!

I knew it!
I knew that Vaseline

would make better lube
than lube.

We're smoking now.
I got

- some velocity down there.
- [knocking]

[Randy] Ingrid?
You okay in there?

Your neighbors
are a pain in the ass.

- No, it's my ex-husband.
- [Frank coughs]

He thinks he can look after me

just because we share
a duplex wall.

Oh.

[Ingrid] I'm fine, Randy!
Go back to bed!

[Randy] You sure, hon?
Maybe I should come in.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm on a date.

Never been better.
Bye! [chuckles]

Man.

I never realized
how much fun

indoor tobogganing
could be.

- It should be a thing.
- [laughs]

[sighs] You know, you shouldn't
have to be off your meds

to have this much fun.

It is fun.

- Fuck, you have strong weed.
- Uh-huh.

It's supposed to make you
really sleepy,

but I don't know.
It just makes me all--

vroom--alive.
[laughs]

Well, when you wave
that flag in front of me,

I feel like a bull
standing before

a matador in "Barthelona."

- [growls]
- [laughs]

My little
Spanish-English muffin.

All right, my turn.

- All right, suit up.
- Okay, lube me up.

Let's go.

- To the top! Here we go!
- Okay.

- Whee!
- [laughs]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

All right, guys,
cereal or toast?

Do you have the stuff
to make pancakes?

Pancakes?
Let's make pancakes.

All right, let me rephrase.

Cereal, toast, or nothing?

[Debbie] Toast.

Cereal.

[Debbie murmurs]

Oh, what's with the suit?
Somebody die?

No, Brad's baby's
getting christened today.

Christening?
Is that where you get the wine

and shitty little cracker?

No, that's confirmation.

Christening's when you...

waterboard the baby.

[Lip] All right,
we gotta divide and conquer

now that school's out.
Who's gonna watch Liam today?

- [Carl] Nope.
- [Debbie] Not me.

I'm in sixth grade.
I don't need a babysitter.

Yeah, scholastically,
you're in sixth grade.

In real life, you're nine.

By the time I was nine,

I had three years' experience
being a full-time nanny.

In fact,
how would you like to make

five bucks an hour
this summer, Liam?

Ten bucks
and one-hour lunch.

Deal.

No, Liam's a minor,
all right?

He's got to have another adult
around to watch Franny.

Better Liam
than some shitty day care

that'll cram her
into a Pack 'n Play

with eight other toddlers.

[gasps]
You love your Uncle Liam,

don't you, girlfriend?

Hey, Carl,
what you got today?

Kelly's coming over later
to help me move.

They can hang out with us,

as long as you guys disappear
when we bone.

- Move? Where you going?
- [Carl] Leveling up, son.

Liam's got Fiona's room.
Debbie's got Debbie's.

Figure since Ian's
out of the house,

I'll take Frank's room,
let you rock

with the boys' room solo,
if that's cool with you.

Yeah, sure,
sounds good to me.

[Debbie] We can't
not have a bed

for Frank anymore, can we?

- [Lip] Of course we can.
- Fuck Frank.

Shouldn't we get
Fiona's opinion first?

- No.
- I'm kind of worried about her.

She hasn't responded to any
of my texts or calls.

- Have you guys heard from her?
- Mm-mm.

To stand Ian up
on his last day before prison

and not drive him
when she said she would--

it's not like her.

Uh, it's called
passive-aggression, Debs.

She's still mad at Ian.

[groans softly]

[Veronica]
Hey, girls are in school.

Coffee's hot.
We're out of milk.

Laundry is clean.
I'm late to open.

How was closing?

Oh, it was fine.

Oh, but I think I forgot
to turn on the dishwasher.

What's all this stuff?

[Veronica] Oh,
that's our old baby stuff.

Purging all those sex toys

made me realize
how much old shit

we still had lying around.

My girl Shawntelle's
coming for it.

Who the hell's Shawntelle?

Shawntelle, the one
who does my locks.

I told you about her.

Six kids,
one has Down syndrome,

no baby daddy,
set of twins on the way?

You're giving away
all our baby stuff?

What, you think
I can get money for it?

No, I don't think
you should be giving away

Gemma's froggy bib
or Amy's Little LambLamb.

Well, I saved
all of their favorite stuff.

Plus, we need to make room
upstairs for the twin beds.

Twin beds?
V, they're not ready for that.

They're tiny little
squishy babies.

They're not, Kev.
They're four years old.

Amy can pick up
her toddler bed and bench it.

Plus, we don't need to be
holding on to old baby shit

when we're done
having babies.

Done having babies?

You said we were gonna

talk about that
down the line.

Sure, we're gonna talk
about it down the line.

Of course we will,
but not

when I'm late to open,
okay?

Okay, let's just say,

upon talking about it
down the line,

we decide to have
loads more babies.

Kev, we don't have room
for all this shit

in this small-ass house.

If you want
to pick out five items

for sentimental reasons, fine,

but the rest
is going to Shawntelle.

Five total or-or-or
five per daughter?

I don't care!

[door clicks open]

[door slams]

[cell phone buzzing]

♪♪ mellow rock music ♪♪

[knock at door]

- [Debbie] Fiona?
- [knocking]

Fiona, are you
in there?

- Open up!
- [knocking]

Come on.

I'll take your door off!

No, hang on.

I'm coming.

[gasps, groans]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Holy shit.

- It's fine.
- Your face!

- This is not fine, Fiona!
- I'm fine.

I'm fine.

You need stitches.

What happened to you?

It's nothing.

It was a...car accident.

You got into
a car accident?

Oh, my God,
are you okay?

Fiona!

Why didn't you call us?

We had no idea that you were
in a car accident.

We just thought you stood Ian up
because you were pissed.

Oh, my God, Ian.
[cries]

- Oh, hey.
- Oh, my God.

No, no, no.
Fiona, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.
Shh, shh, shh.

No, no, no, no, no.
Come on.

You can't sleep.
You may have a concussion, okay?

We're gonna get you
to a doctor.

Do you know
where your car is now?

[laughs]

[knock at door]

[Carl] Come in!

[indistinct speech on TV]

Hey, what's up?
Come help me move.

Where?

My new bachelor pad,
where no one'll be.

I'll help you move later.
We're supposed to do

West Point application prep
today, remember?

W-wait, can't we at least
move some furniture?

We'll start
with an ACT practice test,

since you need a minimum score
of 28 on that.

West Point requires you
to have a 3.75 GPA,

and that's including
four years of English,

four years of
college-preparatory mathematics,

including algebra,
geometry, trigonometry--

Uh, yeah, I've waited 17 years
for my own bedroom

that has a door
that locks.

Liam, you'll proctor
for us, won't you?

Franny's napping.
I'm on my union break.

You just have
to hold the stopwatch.

45 minutes for part one,

45 minutes for part two,

and 90 minutes
for part three.

Can we at least move
some furniture first?

We all gotta do things
we don't want to do sometimes,

like the 10K I have to run
right now

to stay Annapolis-strong.

Part one.
Go!

[stopwatch clicking]

Psst, nerd.

What does this word mean?

"Assessment."
It's a noun.

An evaluation or estimation
of someone's ability.

Oh, fuck me.

So what's the plan here?
You're shaving me?

Just from the chin down.

I am gonna make you

my adorable
little hairless mouse boy.

[laughs]

Unless you'd prefer
rat boy.

I'm gonna go mouse.

- Mm. [laughs]
- Yeah.

Aw, thanks for riding
this wave with me, Frank.

It is so nice
to have company.

- Freak flags must fly high.
- Mm-hmm.

Besides, there's nothing
you could do to scare me.

I've seen it all,
smoked it all,

and handled it all.

Well, you are a mouse boy
among men.

- [laughs]
- [Ingrid chuckles]

What would you be doing
right now

if you weren't hanging out
with me?

Um...

I like to keep
my options open, live life.

Oh, that is so healthy.

Twenty-two years of being
a psychotherapist,

I don't think I've ever heard
anything so healthy.

You're a psychotherapist.
Uh...

No disrespect,
but aren't you a little--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The best of us

have personal experience
with mental illnesses.

That's why we're good
at our jobs.

I mean, even Randy.

He's a psychotherapist,

and he has boundary issues.

That's why he's
in my bathroom right now.

- [laughs]
- [Randy] Ingrid...

Jesus fucking Christ, man!

I told you that that key
was for emergencies.

You are now violating
our agreement!

- [Randy] I-I--
- [Ingrid] Violator.

I think this is
an emergency, Ingrid.

I heard tobogganing

at four in the morning.

Now you're blowing off work,

and you're clearly
not taking your meds.

My first patient
isn't until 1 p.m.

Do you not think
that's a little irresponsible

to counsel others when you
have not taken your meds?

Oh, you don't think
it's irresponsible

for you to neglect
your patients

so that you can micromanage
my mental illness?

I'm Frank, by the way.

Stay out of this, Frank.
You have no idea

what you're
getting yourself into.

Hey, this has a cycle,
see?

Super fun at the beginning.

Stay up all night.
It's great.

But by tonight,

things will be very rough.

Ingy, Ingy, honey,

you just got out
of the psych ward, sweetie.

You need your medications.

I am missing my life, Randy.

I am missing it!

And besides,

Frank loves me

just as I am.

- I do.
- [Ingrid] He does.

You can find your way out...
R-Randall?

[Ingrid laughs]

It's Randy.

Randy.

[laughs]

Give it up.

[Jamal] Here you go.
RAV4, right?

Oh, my God.

This car is totaled!

- Oh, my God.
- [Jamal] Yeah.

Insurance will cover
a hit-and-run.

Y-you have insurance, right?

[laughs dryly]

[Debbie] Did you call
the police?

Did you file
an accident report?

You gotta find
whoever did this, Fiona.

I did it.

You did what?

I did this.
I was...

drunk, and I didn't call
the police

'cause I was drunk.

You were driving drunk?

The hell is going on with you?

It's adult shit, okay?

Fuck that.

I'm not a kid.

I have a kid.

All right, fine.

Uh...

the zoning fell through

on my old-age home yesterday,

which means I got Max Whitford
stalking me

for $25K,

or else I lose my entire
$100K investment,

which fucks me, 'cause...

without an immediate profit
off that,

I actually cannot afford

my first and second mortgages
on my apartment building,

and that means
I'm gonna have to sell

my building.

Also, it turns out
that Ford's married.

Yeah.

I found that out right before
I totaled this car,

which is gonna cost
thousands to fix.

So that on top
of the $1,800 that...

I just spent at the ER
and the $500

that this tow place
just charged me

means I'm so far up
shit's creek,

I don't even have lunch money.

And I'm such a fucking
piece of shit

that I forgot my own brother
was going to prison.

[cries]

So what you're saying is,

you've had
a shitty couple days.

[laughs]

Yeah, I know, right?

It's gonna be okay, Fiona.

It's gonna be okay.

[sniffles]
Yeah?

You got a spare...

$25K lying around?

No.

But I got a friend
who might be able

to help us out
with the car, at least.

[singing along with recording]
♪♪ I'm a little teapot ♪♪

♪♪ Short and stout ♪♪

♪♪ Here is my handle ♪♪

♪♪ Here's my spout ♪♪

[man on recording]
♪♪ When I see the teacups ♪♪

♪♪ Hear me shout ♪♪

♪♪ Tip me up
and pour me out ♪♪

There you go.
[gasps]

No way.

Aw!

Talk-a-bear?

That monster threw out
Talk-a-bear.

[Kev on recording]
Hi, Amy and Gemma.

This is Daddy,
and we're talking

into our Talk-a-bear.

[Amy and Gemma babbling]

- [Kev] Can you say "Daddy"?
- [girls babble]

- [Kev] "Daddy."
- [Amy] Doggy.

[Kev] That's "doggy."
Woof, woof.

[girl] Dada.

[chuckles]

[knock at door]

Yeah, who is it?

[Shawntelle]
V's friend Shawntelle.

You must be Kevin.

Nope, wrong house.

Well, is 2113 North Wallace,
ain't it?

No parlez anglais!

- Go away!
- V told me she had some cribs

and six bags
of baby stuff for me.

I borrowed a truck.

[deep voice]
V and Kevin are dead!

What?

That's right!

I murdered them!

Yeah, there's blood everywhere.

And you're next, Shawntelle.

Ruh-rar-ar-ar-ar-ar!

Yeah, that's a chain saw!

[rapid footsteps]

[gate clatters]

Whoa.

Look at this!

This is...impressive.

Oh, look at you.

You sexy librarian, you.

You think these are hot,

wait till I put on
my sexy

therapist blazer

and use Randy's
prescription pad

to write you 200 milligrams
of Wellbutrin.

[Frank] Excellent.

Excellent.
How long's this gonna take?

Uh, I got three patients.

- Fifty minutes a session.
- Jesus.

People have 50 minutes
of shit to whine about?

You know, there's a Starbucks
right on the corner.

Why don't you just go ahead
and hang out there

- for three hours or something?
- No, I don't want to be

away from you that long.
Can't I hide here and watch?

Oh, no.

No, no, you-you won't even
know I'm here.

I will be quiet

as a hairless mouse.

Oof.
Yikes.

So what do you think?

Can you hook us up, Farhad?

[speaking Farsi]

[speaking Farsi]

What'd he say?

He's gonna strip it,
give you 600 bucks for parts,

and then we'll dump it
in the weeds

behind that empty lot
off 16 and Michigan.

Take the cops, like, a week
to find it back there.

And then you just contact
your insurance company,

tell them it was stolen,
and they'll pay off your lease.

Really?

Yeah, we do it all the time.

[Rami] Issa! Abdul!

[speaking Farsi]

[lively music playing on radio]

All right, go.

Go do whatever
you're gonna do today.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm just gonna

- be here...
- [cell phone buzzing]

...being a felon.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[sighs]

- Maybe I should hang out.
- Nah, go.

I'm gonna get
my 600 bucks,

head over to Patsy's,
list my building online.

Go. You got
better shit to do today.

Okay.
I'll see you later.

Hey, Farhad,
what are you doing today?

- Pretty busy, actually, with--
- No, you're not.

I'll be back for you
in three hours.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Why are you
at your desk this week,

Dr. Jones?
You're always in your chair.

Yeah.

It seems to bother you
that I'm not in my chair.

Let's, um...
let's talk about that. Why?

[Zach] It's just, I don't like
when things change suddenly.

[Ingrid] Ah,
because of your mother.

♪♪ sultry music ♪♪

Yes.

Yeah.

[Zach] Yeah, she's
the reason that I have

body dysmorphia
and can't get out of bed.

Oh.

Do you know she even
lords it over me

that she pays
for this therapy...

- [Ingrid moans softly]
- [Zach]...at $275 an hour?

[Ingrid] Mm.

Um,

let's just talk some more
about that body dysmorphia.

[breathily]
Tell me about that.

[Zach] Well, it's my head.
It is...

disproportionately large.

Yes!

[gasping] Um...

Jesus Christ,
did I get any right?

[Kelly] You know what?

Who cares about scores?

This is just a tool to see

where your strengths
and your weaknesses lie.

[Carl] But what was
my score, though?

Think you got a couple
of them right--maybe.

[Kelly] You know,
it doesn't matter.

Now we know
that we need to brush up

on comp lit,
algebra, geometry,

trigonometry, U.S. history,
government,

and reading comprehension.

Well, that's, like,
all the subjects.

Liam will help us.
Won't you, Liam?

Let's start with
the Bob books.

"Bob has a dog.
Pat likes cats."

- I love those books.
- [rapid footsteps]

He's not kidding.

So Fiona didn't blow Ian off
because she was pissed at him.

She got into
a fucking car accident.

That's why she didn't show!

- Wait, is she okay?
- No, it's really bad.

She totaled her car,

and she broke her wrist,

she's nonstop ugly-crying,

and I've never
seen her this bad before.

And wait, Ford is married
and has a whole other family

and life and a bunch
of kids in Chicago.

- Wait, wait, wait, what?
- Motherfucker!

And now Fiona has to sell
her building today

because she doesn't have money
for lunch.

Okay, Debs,
where is she now?

I don't know.
We were dealing with the car.

She said she could handle it.

What, and you left her?

What was I supposed to do?

She said she's fine.
She's going to Patsy's.

All right, fine.
You tag out.

I'm gonna go find Fiona,
all right?

And I'll handle Ford.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

[Frank] Oh, God.

That was so hot.

[laughs]
Okay, now it's your turn.

- I'm gonna get under the desk.
- What?

Yeah, yeah, just tell
my next patient I'm out sick.

It's not hard.
It's not hard.

All you're gonna do
is listen and nod.

Now, if you get in a jam,

you just repeat back
what they said

in an empathetic tone.

[laughs]

[keyboard clicking]

Shit.

[sighs]
Debbie told you?

Yeah, course she told me.

- Fuck, you okay?
- I'm fine.

Debbie thinks
you're gonna kill yourself.

[scoffs]
I'm fine.

You know, nine stitches,

no concussion,

wrist'll take eight weeks,

but I'll be fine.

Why are you in a suit?

Oh, Brad's baby's
getting christened.

But, you know,
I can skip it.

You know,
let's figure this out.

I mean, how deep
are you in the hole?

No need.
I listed my building.

There's gonna be
an open house at 1 p.m.

You don't have to do that,
though.

I want to sell it.

Give me that.

So how was Ian

when you dropped him off
at prison?

Was he upset?

No.

No, he was okay.

You know, he stayed strong.
Yeah.

I'm gonna get up there
first visiting hours I can.

You got a hell
of a good excuse.

All right?
He'll be cool.

[laughs softly]

Debbie.

Who's he?

Farhad.

What's going on?

[sighs]
Nothing.

I just have this giant prick
of an asshole

who I'm gonna torture today.

Committed a crime
against womanhood

way worse than any
of those misogynistic assholes

we hit with welded dicks.

I mean, this guy deserves
the fucking works.

Was wondering if you wanted
to join us,

for old times' sake?

♪♪ slow rock music ♪♪

What kind of torture
we talking?

True, brutal,
and unrelenting.

- Can we use power tools?
- Hmm!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

What do you think?
Should we start?

[Cami] Y-yes.

So sorry, Father.

Brad, Camille...

[Jason] Thanks
for inviting me today.

Yeah. Yeah, man.
Worst thing you can do

when you're having
a tough time is be alone.

[Father Henry]...responsibility
for his training--

[door slams]

Fuck me, that door is heavy.

[people murmuring]

Shit.

[Tami] Hey!

'Sup, Denis?

Oh, yas, queen.

Aunt Gayle,
looking good, sister!

[Jason] You know her?

No, we, um,

hung out at Brad's wedding
and we...fucked

- badly.
- Oh, shit.

[whispering] Really, Tami?
Twenty minutes late.

Slow your roll, okay?

- There was no parking.
- You're the godmother.

We were about to get
my cousin Jennifer to fill in.

Well, I'm here now.

Let's do this.
Hi.

Okay, sorry, Father.
Please continue.

[Father Henry]
Uh, Brad, Camille,

you have asked to have
your child baptized.

It will be
your responsibility--

Oh, shit.
[laughing] Wait.

You guys invited Jabby?

[people murmuring]

[Tami laughs]

♪♪ somber rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[sighs]
[muttering indistinctly]

[cell phone whooshes]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[sighs]

[cell phone clatters on table]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- ♪♪ rock music ♪♪
- ♪♪ You got that pressure... ♪♪

And if we put
a six-foot platform here,

so many people would see it--

the foot traffic alone.

A six-foot platform?

That's too much effort.

Can't we just castrate him
with Farhad's goat knife?

Or stone him.
In Islam, we bury

adulterers in the earth
with their heads sticking out,

- and then we stone them.
- No.

We really gotta
make this one hurt.

Gotta humiliate
this motherfucker.

We can do this.

We are three skilled laborers!

Hands in!

- [Debbie] Go, team!
- Go, team.

[Alex] Okay.

Go, team.

Yes.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Name the three branches
of government.

Pentagon, DMV, cops.

Who was the first
American president?

Easy.
Lincoln.

Who coined the term
"domino effect"

to describe the spread
of communism?

Oh, Rovey Wade?

Hey, yo, Gallaghers,

how you doing?

And person
I've never seen before.

I'm gonna stash some shit
in your basement for a while.

It's a secret

from V, so...

- don't tell V, okay?
- [Carl] Uh, yeah.

Why are you saving
baby stuff, though?

Aren't the girls,
like, four now?

[laughs]
You shut your mouth, Carl.

[Kelly] Next question.

Who was the first
American president

to serve
two nonconsecutive terms?

Oh, fuck if I know.

Grover Cleveland.

Oh, from Sesame Street?

Oh, my God.

I don't understand.

Dr. Jones is just out sick?

Therapists can't do that.

Why not?
They get sick, just like us.

Okay, go ahead.

Uh, what's your problem?
Tell me quickly.

Sor--s-somewhat quickly.

Not a great week
this week.

I couldn't get out of bed
yesterday

- because I kept thinking--
- Jesus, you too?

What is it with you people?

- Get the fuck out of bed.
- [zipper zips]

[sighs]

Well, my ex,
Jeremy,

keeps calling me
and calling me and calling me,

and I'm trying
to have boundaries,

but I also want him to call,
which I recognize is crazy.

I just don't know
what to do.

Okay, slow down.
That's--that's too fast.

Uh, um,

okay, first of all...
Jazmin, you're not crazy.

There are crazy people
out there.

Um...

I have bipolar depression.

Ah, that's good.

That's good.

Bipolar, yes.

?
Uh..."bi,

from the Latin
meaning "two,"

meaning half the time,
you're kind of interesting,

and the other half, you're not
very interesting at all.

Right now, talking
about your ex-boyfriend,

you-you're not
very interesting.

[clears throat]

Give me your phone.

♪♪ sultry music ♪♪

[sighs]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[gasps] God.

- Does that feel good or what?
- [Jazmin] No!

That was the new iPhone--

NYP.

That's it.
Not your problem.

Get a new phone number
so he can't call you anymore.

Get a more flattering haircut.

Stop walking around
like a sorry sack of shit.

End this now.

You gotta finish it.

- [Jazmin] NYP.
- Finish it now.

Not my problem.

Wow.

- Thank you, Doctor.
- [chuckles]

[both laugh]

- [door clicks open]
- [Max] What the hell,

Gallagher?
Is your phone broken?

Holy shit.
What happened to your face?

I'm fine.
Just a little hit-and-run.

[laughing]
God, that looks...

terrible.

Like, my brain
is rejecting

that an otherwise very hot girl
can look this bad.

Anyway, I'm late
for my spin class,

and your PayPal
didn't come through, girl.

Yeah, I--

Tacky to make me
come find you.

Selling this place?

Yeah, sorry.
I've just been swamped,

and I was in the hospital
most of the day yesterday--

Totally get it.
No bigs.

Just PayPal me right now.

I'm @maxwhitfordsaysyas.

Y-A-S.

Do you not have the app?

I don't have the $25K.

You don't have $25K?

Who doesn't have $25K?

- Me?
- [Max] All right,

so borrow it
against your portfolio.

Call your guy.

I don't have a guy,
Max,

and I got rejected
for a loan.

I got nothing.

What about your other properties
and investments?

Anything liquid
you can unload?

Oh.

Oh, you overleveraged?

You told everybody
you could swim,

and now you're drowning?

Yeah, going down
like the fucking Titanic.

Oh.

You got anybody
you can call?

Uncle, mom, something?

Nobody in my life
has that kind of money.

That's why I'm selling
this place.

Even if I could,

you just--you're not
gonna clear 25 large

in a couple days.

Come on,

buyer will need to do
due diligence and inspections

and probably try to back out
at the end of escrow,

try to fuck you with
a lowball offer last-minute.

I mean, you're not
gonna have cash in hand

for at least 90 days.

Who's your listing agent?

[laughs]

I can't afford you, Max.

Maybe I waive
my commission for you.

You'd do that?

Yeah.

I am not as big an asshole
as you think I am.

Come on.

[laughing]
Pour me some warm chard

and roll out the tour.

I might have a couple
possible buyers

interested in a quick sale.

Okay.

My new chosen career.
You never can tell.

I know. I think you might
be really good at it.

You headed over
to First Monday?

Jesus Christ, Randy!

We're gonna have
to put a cowbell on you.

Ingy, First Monday.
You haven't forgotten, have you?

No, no, we have not
forgotten First Monday.

We're gonna definitely
be there--Frank and I.

Bet your ass we're gonna
be at...First Monday.

Good.
We'll see you there.

First what?

Oh, all the therapists
in this building

get together on the first
Monday of every month.

- Mm.
- It's usually, uh,

somebody's birthday or...

You know, it'll be quick.
We'll just make an appearance.

[lock rattling]

Motherfucker!

- [Ingrid yells]
- What? What happ--what?

Are you all right?

Yeah, lock got stuck.

I just got frustrated.
You ready?

♪♪ upbeat music ♪♪

Jabby!

Hey!

I was hoping you'd be here.

I've been having a lot

of really great sex recently.

- Uh-huh.
- Let's go bang one out,

get my average back in
the shitter, where it belongs.

Yeah, you know, I could use
some fresh puke on my shoes,

- so that'll be good.
- [Tami laughs]

Who's this guy?

Jason, this is Tami.

Tami, this is
my friend Jason.

Lip's my sponsor.

Sponsor?

At, uh, AA.

Alcoholics Anonymous.

So you're at this sober?

Yeah.
It's nice, right?

It's good juice.

I mixed apple and cran.

What, do you
collect weird sidekicks?

What happened to the last one,
that little girl with the Afro?

- Her mother took her back.
- [Jason] Hmm.

Yeah, running theme today.

Lost my baby too.

[upbeat music playing
on stereo]

All right.

Okay.
[laughs]

Any of you kids
wanna do something fun

with your Auntie Tami?

- [kids] Yeah!
- [Tami] Yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, who's never
smoked a cigarette before?

- [kids] Me!
- Oh, you haven't?

Okay, well,
the first one's the hardest,

but you guys are gonna
be great. Come on.

Follow me.
Follow your Auntie Tami.

Well, if you had the time,

you could probably
get $425K for it.

That's what I was thinking.

But it would cost you
$40K in closing costs,

plus 120-day escrow,

and you don't have
that kind of time.

[sighs]

How much is your mortgage?

I've got two.

One is--

What's the total?

$292,000.

All right.

I'll give you $292,000 for it.

- Wait, you want to buy it?
- [Max] Yeah.

I'll take it off your hands
today, in cash, as is,

no inspections,
close in 30 days.

Could pay off your mortgages
and walk away.

And I'll take care
of the $25K

you owe the partnership
so you don't default, but...

I'm gonna charge you interest
on that.

But that-that'll leave me
with nothing, Max.

It'll leave you
with your credit intact,

and you didn't
get foreclosed on.

You're pretty,
but I'm not a charity.

♪♪ smooth music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Baby, I just flew in ♪♪

♪♪ Tell me what
you're doing... ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Wow.

What's all this?

I just love and appreciate
my beautiful wife,

the mother
to my wonderful children,

and I thought
you might like some food

that's slightly...

aphrodisiac-y.

[smooth music playing
on stereo]

Did you cheat on me?

No.

But I did get you a gift.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I like the shape of the box.
Jewelry?

Better.

For our future baby.

Our what now?

We should have
another baby, V.

We always talk,
we're gonna have

this conversation
down the line,

and down the line
is today.

I want another baby.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Yay.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hooray?
Say something.

So much to say.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

No. Hell no.
Over my dead damn body.

You think I'm fucking
getting pregnant again?

You said that we
were gonna have

this conversation
down the line.

That's what women say
when they mean no.

Down the line, no.

But babies, V.

Baby tushies
and-and-and-and baby toesies,

baby mullets
and baby fat rolls.

You honestly
don't feel anything

when you look at this?

I feel grateful
for our two beautiful girls

that we can't put in day care

without committing
identity fraud

and making them be
the same damn person.

We're too broke
to have more kids.

Yes, yes, okay,

but look.

I will do everything.

You just have to be
inconvenienced for nine months.

Inconvenienced?

No, Kev.
N to the fucking O.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[elegant music playing
on stereo]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

So how long has she
been awake, Frank?

Thirty-six, 38 hours.

There's a woman
wearing plastic bags,

and no one's talking
about it.

It's gonna get really bad
really soon--

you know, her symptoms.

I can handle
the symptoms, Randy.

Listen, no.
Not like this, Frank.

Manic adulations,

violent delusions, insomnia.

Self-harm.

You won't understand
her diagnosis,

but in layman's terms,

she's batshit crazy.
Look at this.

She's stabbed me 14 times
over the years.

Every time,
she was off her meds.

The switch will go off soon,

and when it does,
you won't know what hit you.

Thank you for the FYI,

but I'm a pro.

Well, I wouldn't let myself
fall asleep if I were you.

[laughs]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Be safe, all right?

Your super-sad friend
had to go, Jabby?

Yeah, he's, uh,
headed off to a meeting.

Come smoke with me.

There you go.

Thanks.

[lighter clicks]

My family is a lot.

I can't believe
you're here voluntarily.

Ah, you want to see a lot?

Swing by the Gallagher
house sometime.

So last time I saw you,

you asked me to dinner.
That offer still good?

[chuckles softly]

What, you want
to go on a date now?

Guess so.

Fuck me. I mean,
I must be really hard up.

Come on.
I know a great place, loser.

You're driving.

♪♪ gentle rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[sighs]

Come on, Rusty.
Let's roll.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Come on.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Come on, Rusty.
Let's go.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

What's the matter?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

You don't wanna leave?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[sniffs]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[glass shattering]

- [Ingrid yells]
- [glass shattering]

- Ingy?
- [glass shattering]

[Ingrid] Motherfucker!
[yells]

I fell asleep.

[glass shattering]

[man speaking Italian
on stereo]

Hey.

- What's up?
- Hey.

- Hi. Hi.
- [laughing] Hi.

I'm just, um,
reorganizing my books

by years of publication

whi-whi-while learning
Italian. [laughs]

[haltingly speaking Italian]

Neat.
I-I heard a, uh--

a big crash in here.
Did something break?

- Oh, no, no, no.
- No?

[Ingrid] No, I, uh--
I made a snack over there,

if-if that's to which
you are referring.

Uh...

maybe it's time for us
to get some shuteye.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I c--I can't abandon
my project.

That is a fool's game.

Winners finish projects.

Honey, do you feel all right?

You know, I made
a savory snack.

A nice big piece of Brie
with some crackers.

You want some?

Uh, I'm okay,
but thanks.

[man] continues
speaking Italian

Eat the Brie.

[upbeat music playing on radio]

So one older,
two younger.

I'm the almost-middle.

Someone's got to be
the problem child, right?

Are you that one
in your family?

All Gallaghers
are problem children.

This is spicy as hell.

I told you.
Arturo knows what's up.

Yeah.

Anyway,

that's what I like
about doing hair.

You can change it.
Grows back.

Hair is never
the problem child.

[laughs]

You got a job?

Yeah, I, uh, fix bikes.

You know, over at Born Free.

- Mm, that's right, with Brad.
- Yeah.

You know I totally thought
he was gay when I first met him?

[laughs]
Actually, I did too.

Mm.

B-T-dubs,
all the women in my family

die of ovarian cancer
by the time they're 50,

so I'm only on this Earth
for another 25 years or so.

Oh.

That's a pretty intense
first date factoid.

Well, gotta take life
by the balls.

I agree.

Want to try
and fuck me properly this time?

- What, like now?
- Yeah.

♪♪ upbeat percussive music ♪♪

Yeah.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[gags]
Ugh.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Mm.

Cheers.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

We did it.

Crushed it.

Such craftsmanship.

Shall we add
the cherry on top?

- Oh, yeah.
- Got the Taser right here.

I got the pulley.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Fucking A.

Let's roll.

So there's a loophole
for West Point.

It's there
in the fine print.

If your academics
are not up to snuff,

you can submit
a personal statement

explaining that
you've had hardships

in the classroom
or at home.

Kelly, I'm tired.

Okay, what's been difficult
about your life?

Just ballpark.

Was growing up
on the South Side rough?

No, it's awesome here.

Come on, Carl, try.
I want you to get in.

- Why?
- Because I want my boyfriend

to be West Point, Cadet.

Wait, I'm your boyfriend?

Gross.

Yes.

So this is called the Adverse
Childhood Experience Study.

All you have to do
is answer yes or no,

and you get a point
for every fucked-up thing

that you've lived through.

Okay.

Before your 18th birthday,

did a parent or other adult
in the household

often or very often
swear at you, insult you,

put you down,
or humiliate you?

Yes.

Oh, which one?

All four.

That's four points, Carl.

Finally, a test
he does well on.

Uh, before
your 18th birthday,

did you live with anyone
who was a problem drinker,

alcoholic,
or used street drugs?

Yes.
Also, I abused

and sold street drugs myself.

Wow.

Okay, great.
That's two points.

Uh, before your 18th birthday,

was a biological parent
ever lost to you

through divorce,
abandonment, or death?

Yeah, all three.

♪♪ upbeat music ♪♪

Carl, you've had
tremendous hardships!

We-we can write the shit
out of this personal essay!

They're gonna beg you
to go to West Point.

Oh, and I also microwaved
a bunny once too.

Excellent.

[laughs]

- [thumping]
- [Tami grunting]

[Lip] Almo--

V...ah!

[Lip sighs]

[Tami groans]

[Lip sighs]

So?

Eh.

"Eh"?

Like, a...

- six out of ten.
- What?

I-I need a breakdown
of that scorecard.

I mean, where-where
did I lose points on this?

Well, it wasn't jabby,

per se, but it was
fairly thrust-y.

- What?
- Thrust,

thrust, thrust.
You have to rotate.

Yeah, well, I'd do
a hell of a lot better

if we were in an actual bed.

I mean, this is, what,
the smallest car in America?

I mean, I'm cramping up.

Did the cavemen
have beds? No.

Did Tarzan?

Did that pro surfer I dated?

All right, that's it.

That's it.
We're going again,

all right,
and I'm not letting you

out of this car
until I get a ten.

This is my car, punk.

Hey, I don't care
how long this takes.

Okay, well,
wake me when it's over.

All right.

[laughing]
Oh, God. Oh!

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Evening, my
nightcap-swigging brethren.

I'll take a Jamie,
double-double.

Heavy, heavy pour.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[glumly] Rocks or neat?

Well, Jesus, when you
say it like that, neither.

What's wrong with you?

[Tommy] Troubles
with the lady.

Oh, yeah?
Me too, Kev.

Since when do you
have a lady, Frank?

Well, it's fairly recent,
but we're going strong.

She does run a bit hot
in terms of mental illness,

so I had to step out,
take some me time

while she gets
her fire danger level

from "catastrophic"
to "low-moderate,"

but damn...

her blaze

is a glorious thing to behold.

[Kev] You didn't
answer me, so...

I made it neat.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Haven't seen him like this
since that...

sports team lost the thing
I don't care about.

Yeah, he wants
another baby.

But V said no,
shut him down.

Hey, Kev, I can get you
another baby.

What are you willing
to spend?

What?

There's always
an extra Gallagher at my house.

Give you two for one.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

You know what, Frank?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

God, I'm so sad,
I can't even tell off Frank.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[door clicks open]

Wow, you actually
came back.

What do you mean?
Of course I came back.

What the hell happened to her?

Thorazine.
Had to be done.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Ingrid!

Ingrid, are you there?

- [groggily] Hello.
- [Randy] I had to dose her,

Frank. She was
a danger to herself.

Come on.
No, babe, come on.

Let's go take
a cold shower.

Come on.

[Randy] Frank, Frank.
You came back.

You're better than most,
I'll give you that,

but you can clock out now.

Thorazine's gonna
level her out.

She's not gonna remember
most of this,

which is for the best.

How is it for the best, Randy?

She's drooling.

Frank, 19 years,
I've been with this woman.

The only thing more constant
than this happening

is me being there at the end
of it to pick her up.

So you can clock out now.

- [rock music blaring]
- ♪♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪

♪♪ You're so electric ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna get it ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪

♪♪ You're so electric ♪♪

♪♪ All right, all right,
all right ♪♪

♪♪ I am who I wanna be ♪♪

♪♪ Who I wanna be,
who I wanna be ♪♪

♪♪ I am moving to the beat,
moving to the beat... ♪♪

Hi, Carl!

Hi, Liam!

Hi, stranger!
Oh! Stranger danger!

You've met her before.
This is Kelly.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm throwing myself
a little welcome-home party.

Wait, you're moving back in?

- She's back?
- [Liam] Guess so.

Try to get this fucking beef

in the oven.

You gotta
get in there, beef!

Get in there.

Oh, God.

Just...gah.

♪♪ I am who I wanna be ♪♪

Whoo!

♪♪ Who I wanna be,
who I wanna be ♪♪

♪♪ I am moving to the beat... ♪♪

Hey, guys.

Turn that off.

No, put my song on!

Come follow me.
Farhad's waiting outside.

I have a surprise
for you, Fiona.

Kelly, you watch Franny.

Come on, guys!

[door clicks open]

[sighs]

I looked at the damn sock.

And?

And...

I don't want
to have another baby.

I just don't.

Physically,
I don't want to do it, Kev.

But I love you.

And if you want to talk
about adopting a newborn,

we can discuss it.

Yeah, down the line.

No, now.

I'm a yes.
If you want to look into it,

I'm a yes.

Really?

♪♪ warm guitar music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Really?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ I wonder where I'll be... ♪♪

We're gonna have a baby?

Not really.

[laughs]

♪♪ I wonder
where I'll be going... ♪♪

Really not gonna
drive me home, huh?

What, you think
just 'cause you got a 9.5,

I'm driving your ass
to the South Side?

Fair enough.

You know, I haven't
fucked that much

since seventh grade
summer camp.

I'm definitely gonna have
a yeast infection tomorrow.

Well, when that clears up,
you wanna do this again?

Yeah.

I'll bring you the Monistat
receipts for reimbursement.

And maybe get
some cranberry juice too.

That's for UTIs, dumbass.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Don't call me.

Yeah, already forgot
your name.

[laughs]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Sleep well, my love.

Sleep better than well,

my peach.

Do you drink, Randy?

From time to time, sure.

Must be tough

being her
self-appointed caretaker

all the time, huh?

Sometimes,

but it defines my life.

- "Defines my life"?
- [Randy] Yeah.

Say some more about that.

[chuckles softly]

I live next to her,

work next to her,
protect her.

I mean...that's a lot.
Thank you.

But love is love.

Love is love, yes.

You think Ingrid wants you

to live your life
the way you are,

entirely about her?

- Probably not.
- [Frank] Mm.

But what can I do?

What can you do?
[laughs]

And yet you know what I see
when I look at you, Ran?

I see a strong,

bold, beautiful man
who needs a break.

- Really?
- [Frank] You're not meant

to be cooped up,
dispensing drugs all day.

You need some you time.

[scoffs]
Ingrid needs me.

Don't worry about her
for a second.

What do you want, Randy?

♪♪ upbeat music ♪♪

[laughs] Wow.

[Frank] What does
Randy want?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I want to see
Mount Fuji, Frank.

I do.

Then you get
your goddamn phone

right now
and book a flight.

You earned it.

- I have?
- [Frank] Don't you think Ingrid

wants you
to live your life?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Yeah.

[sighs]
Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.
You're right.

[laughs]

God, you're right.

I'm gonna see
Mount Fuji.

[Frank laughs]
I know.

[laughs]

Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't thank me.

Thank yourself.
We did some good work

here today--
some real breakthroughs.

We're almost there.

[laughs]

- [woman] What the fuck?
- [man] Oh, man!

Right here.

[laughs] Wait.

Are you ready?

- Uh-huh.
- Open up.

- [car horns blaring]
- [man] That's awesome!

Holy fuck, is...

- is that Ford?
- [laughing] Yeah.

[wolf whistle]

[laughs]

Hey, nicely done, Debs.

Great job.

Fucking great work.

[Fiona laughs]

Someone help, please.

Anyone.

Instead of taking videos,

could someone help me
get down, please,

for fuck's sake?

Thinking we got
a couple minutes

before the cops come,
so choose quick.

- Paddle, sock full of rocks...
- Oh-ho!

- [Lip] Oh.
- ...paintball gun,

or crossbow, if you want
to Katniss Everdeen this shit.

[woman] Oh, asshole!

[man] Pissed somebody off, man!

[Fiona]
Does a paintball gun hurt?

- Oh, fuck yeah.
- Not if you deserve it.

How much ammo
I got in this thing?

Uh, probably more
than you'll ever need.

All right, everybody take cover.
Come on!

♪♪ energetic rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- [crowd exclaims]
- Oh, fuck!

[laughs]

Get him again!

- Ah, fuck! Oh!
- [paintball gun firing]

Fuck you, Ford!

[crowd cheering]

[Carl] Fucking awesome.

Ha, ha!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Touch the sun,

you're gonna get burned.

Burnt.

Ya burnt!

[laughs]

[man]
Ah, shut the hell up!

You shut up!

I'm a goddamn mermaid!

[chuckles]

Back at the Gallagher house.

[sniffles, sighs]

[chuckles]

[sighs, sniffles]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ She comes swinging
from the back of the room ♪♪

♪♪ She's got a killer left jab
to show ♪♪

♪♪ Mow her tight 'cause when
the rip up comes ♪♪

♪♪ Gotta give her
what you came to owe ♪♪

♪♪ Seems so basic
when you watch it now ♪♪

♪♪ She makes it look like
it's just for show ♪♪

♪♪ We aren't fucking when she
gets the brass knuckles ♪♪

♪♪ And plants them
on a sad, sad Joe ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪