Shameless (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - Face It, You're Gorgeous - full transcript

Gah!
Now?

You want to know what happened
last week now?

Jesus,
what are you, on drugs?

Fuck, oh--ow, okay.

I'll tell you
what happened last week.

Call me a fucking lawyer,
that's what happened last week!

Okay?
You got that?

You're making a big mistake!

You're looking
at the future site

of Sunset Brooks Senior Care,
phase two.

Is this the thing
Whitford sucked you into?

Whitford didn't suck me
into anything.

I invested
in a limited partnership.

Ah, so you can only lose
all your investment,

- which was how much again?
- $100,000.

Why do you have two phones?

[sighs] It's for my mother.
It's an international phone.

Your mother's Patty?

- Patricia, yeah.
- Bullshit.

You don't believe me?

You want me to call her?

[Ingrid]
Hey, looking for Vicodin?

Always.

Undo this belt,
and I'll--I'll get it.

No, I don't think
I should do that.

Oh, come on.

You think I could actually
get out of here?

- [ripping]
- Oh, God!

[groans]

Say you're sorry, Timmy!

Say you're sorry!

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

[screams]

[laughs]

I set fire to a van,

and in doing so, I turned

what I intended
to be a movement of love

into a movement of anger.

I was crazy to let it go
as far as I did.

Truth is, I am bipolar.

I plead not guilty
by reason of insanity.

- What?
- [crowd clamoring]

[Judge Abbasi] Order! Order!
[bangs gavel]

[crowd shouting]

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were beaming
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were willing
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

Hey.
What you doing up there?

Putting away my stuff
till I get back.

Hand me those bags.

You decide what you want
to do today yet?

I could call in sick
from work.

Well, I don't think
I want to do anything.

Ah, come on,
we got to do something.

It's your last day of freedom.

Nah, I think I just want to

hang at the house.

You heading into
the shop today?

I got a job
as a sober companion

for the next couple hours.

Hey, uh, how about we ride

the El up to Wrigley
when I get back?

Beat the shit
out of some Cubs fans?

Yeah, I don't need more time
added to my sentence.

What's a sober companion?

I'm babysitting
some rich lush,

making sure they don't drink.

Anybody who can't stop drinking
on his own is a pussy.

We could take you
to a gay bar and get you laid.

Pretty sure I'll get laid
a lot in prison.

Yo, what are we doing today?

My new lady and I
are supposed to go

work out,
but I could cancel it.

[Debbie] He doesn't want
to do anything.

What?
You don't want to steal a car,

or drop bowling balls
off a freeway?

I'm good.

Liam, get your ass up.
Need help.

What's up, Frank?

Met a woman.

Crazy as a loon,

made my heart stir

and my loins moist.

Ew.

She's on a 72-hour

eval at the psych ward.

Her name is Ingrid Jones.

Want your opinion of her.

- Why me?
- [Frank] 'Cause,

you're the only little kid left
who still needs a mommy.

Rest of them
are already cooked.

Can't.
Gotta hang with Ian.

Seriously, guys, I'm good.

I just want to veg
at the house,

eat a shit-ton
of White Castle for dinner.

I spent many a day
in prison.

It's a walk in the park.

Three squares a day,
lots of friends,

free gym membership,
and all the books you can read.

I suggest Ulysses.

Shall we?

No, go.
Go.

[sighs]

See you later, Taraji.

♪♪ light rock music ♪♪

- [door opens]
- [Frank] Liam!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hey, uh,

how come you don't want
to do anything?

I'm about to spend
the next two years of my life

in fight-or-flight mode.

I just want one last day

where I feel safe and relaxed.

Oh, okay.

Sure?

Yep.

I guess I'll go to work then.

I'll be back for dinner,
all right?

- Yeah, see you at dinner.
- [Lip] Okay.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[door slams shut]

[Ford] Have you seen
these inglenooks

and these lead windows?

Did you see
the second bathroom?

We could each have our own.

Dibs on the
black-and-green-tile one.

What's the rent?

It's $3,000 a month.

That's crazy.

- We can't afford that.
- Sure we can.

You're gonna get
at least 1,000 bucks for

renting your place,
and I'll cover the rest.

No, then it'll feel like
it's your apartment

that I'm just
tippy-toeing around in.

Well, you can rustle up an
extra 500 bucks a month, then.

Maybe.

Come on, you're gonna be loaded

off that senior center soon.

Can we look
for something cheaper?

This place
has southern exposure.

I don't even know
why that's a good thing.

It means this
whole place will be

shit-tons of sunny
in the winter.

Can we think about it?

I got a meeting
with Max right now anyway.

We'll let you know.

Okay, um, sure.

I can't guarantee

it'll still be available,
though.

Come here.

Mm.

I thought we were ready to take

this relationship
to the next level.

I just didn't realize
that would be so expensive.

Well, to get ahead in life,
you have to push past

your comfort zone.

Okay.

- Yeah?
- Let's do it.

Great.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

[both grunting]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Kelly and Carl grunting]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Ah!
Ah!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- [Kelly grunts]
- [Carl grunts]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- What are you guys doing?
- Survival training.

Kelly has a black belt
in krav maga.

She's teaching me some moves.

All right.

Survival training, huh?

[sighs]

Yeah.
Ooh!

Ah!

[sighs]

- Hi.
- Hey.

[man on TV
speaking indistinctly]

You know what, can you
guys show me some moves?

- Sure.
- Okay.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[indistinct sports announcing
over phone]

Oh.

Go.

Go!

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

Hey, man,
thanks for covering for me.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

- Client's in the room now.
- Okay.

Hey, took an Ambien.

She'll probably be asleep
till tonight.

Great, yeah.

She got a stockholders'

meeting in the morning

with Highland Cosmetics.

She's their keynote speaker,
Jen Wagner.

If she shows up hammered,

the company's gonna drop her
as their spokesperson.

You're talking about Jen
Wagner, the movie star chick?

Yeah, that's the one.

Uh, I didn't know
she was a boozer.

Everybody got their demons,
right?

- Yeah.
- [Barney] I should be back

from dropping off my kid
at camp

around 5:00 to relieve you.

All right.
Yeah-yeah, I got you.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

[clears throat]

[sighs]

[sniffs]

[bells ringing, sirens wailing
on TV]

Why does Paw Patrol
only have one girl?

Shh, I'm trying to watch.

No job is too big.
No pup is too small.

[whoosh, cat meows on TV]

This cartoon is sexist.

V, when I watch with the girls,

we don't criticize
Ryder and his team.

We just laugh and enjoy it.

I've got something else
you can enjoy.

♪♪ upbeat electronic music ♪♪

See ya, Paw Patrol.

Let's work off these donuts.

I ate a lot of crullers.

Mm-hmm.

[knocking on door]

Who is that?

Probably a Gallagher.

Or a Jehovah.

I'll get rid of them.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Sister Frances.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- Good morning.
- Good mor--

please, won't you come in?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Good morning.
Have a--have a seat.

Amy brought this in
for show-and-tell today.

[buzzing]

That's weird.

I wonder where
she got it from.

The children were supposed
to bring in something

that represents their
parents' love for each other.

Most brought in hearts
or pictures of their siblings.

Amy brought this.

[buzzing]

I'm so sorry.

It'll never happen again.

[buzzing]

- [clicking]
- [buzzing continues]

It's double-click.

[clicks twice]

In order for Amy to return
back to school on Monday,

Father D'Amico has requested

that you come to his office
today and speak with him.

You're gonna kick her out
because of this?

We would love
to speak with the priest.

My wife and I just need
to say our morning prayers,

and then we'll meet you
at the rectory.

I can take that--
or you can

keep it as a parting gift.

Thank you, Sister Frances,
for coming.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Fiona!

- Hello.
- [Max] Hi.

Everybody, this is Fiona.

This is Gil, Jessica,
and Sandy.

- [Fiona] Hello.
- Hey, how's it going?

- Hi.
- [Max] Please, sit down.

So, what did
the hearing board say

about the Sunset Brook
project?

They denied our request
on rezoning.

- Mm.
- What?

Yeah, well,
we expected that.

I did not expect that.

[Jessica] What were they
asking for?

Traffic and
environmental impact report?

Oh, of course.

City's gonna try
to force us to do street

and sewer upgrades,
plus, there was a gas station

on that corner in the '20s,

so they want to see
what's underneath,

and we gotta pay for it.

Usual bureaucratic bullshit.

So if they don't rezone,

can the old age home
still go in there?

Of course.
It'll just take longer.

How much longer?

A year or so, most likely.

[Gil] You know, I've been using
Hilford and Carson to get

reports on my Glendale project.

Sounds good to me.

How much are they?

We can probably get
all the reports

done that we need for about

$100,000, so 20 grand apiece.

[Jessica] Hm.
You cool with PayPal?

- [Max] Of course.
- [Gil] I'll write you a check.

I don't think I have
my checkbook with me.

Ah, just get it to me
later today or tomorrow.

Sure, yeah.

[Max] So it's probably
time for us to talk

about hiring a lawyer, too.

I can talk to this guy I know,

put him on a retainer.
Um.

should cost us
about $5,000 each.

[Jessica] Nice. Yeah.

Great.

[distant phone ringing]

Oh, look at that,
someone got

some pretty balloons!

[man] The hell?

You can't visit
the mentally ill empty-handed.

Hey, Baxter,
what's shaking?

Frankie!

- [Frank] [soft chuckle] Hey.
- Wow.

Long time.

That's because my Monica died.

- No.
- Yeah.

I am so sorry, buddy.

Thanks,

but it's gonna be okay.

Got a new lady.

[Baxter] Hey, good for you.

And by my calculations,

she should be finishing up
her 72 hours today.

So my son and I are just gonna

hunker down
until she gets released.

Wait, this is Liam?

Yep.

[Baxter] Wow.
Last time I saw you,

you must have been
two years old,

just talking up a storm.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Hey, listen.

I remember

your mom's face just
always lit up

every time she saw you

when she got released
from here.

Sure it wasn't the Thorazine?

Hey, Baxter,
could I get the, uh, remote?

Yeah.

[remote clicks]

[exhales]

[door clicks open]

Oh, hey.

Hi.

Hey, are you going somewhere?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm--I'm Lip.

Um, Philip.

Covering for Barney
for a couple hours.

Excuse me?

Hey.

- Um, hi!
- [elevator bell dings]

[Lip] W--

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Hey, I--

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Ricka-ticka ting ding ♪♪

♪♪ Whoo-hoo ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Whoo-hoo ♪♪

[softly] Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

♪♪ Well you put it
into our pack ♪♪

♪♪ A ricka-ticka ting ding ♪♪

♪♪ Now we gotta
fight 'em all back ♪♪

♪♪ Ricka-ticka ting ding ♪♪

♪♪ Whoo-hoo ♪♪

Hi.

Thought I lost you.
Um.

Uh, hey,
could you wait up?

I--I'm--I'm supposed to--
to be with you.

My sober companion, yeah,
I know, I got it.

I'm just going
for a little walk.

I--

♪♪ I'm the only one you need ♪♪

♪♪ Oh I'm the only one
you need ♪♪

Hey, you could slow down
a little bit?

You seem like a nice kid.

I just--I just need some space,
all right?

Yeah, I'm not sure
that's such a good idea.

Actually, it's a great idea.

See, this is like
a mini-vacation for me.

- Mm-hm.
- Got no work, no husband,

no screaming kids.

No one knows I'm in town,

so I'm--I'm anonymous here.

- Yeah, I'm--
- I just--I just--

I need some alone time.

I'm concerned you might drink.

Don't be concerned, bunny.

Look, does that mean
you are gonna drink,

or you're not gonna drink?

It means if I do drink,

everything's gonna be okay.

You've got a meeting tomorrow.

Yeah, in like 20 hours.

Yeah, a lot can happen
in that time.

A few drinks
is not gonna kill me.

I--I'll be back at the hotel
by mid-afternoon.

I'll chug a gallon of Evian;
I'll eat a pizza;

hit the steam room;
get a great night's sleep,

and be as good as new
for my meeting.

Really, it's no big whoop.
No one will know.

I will.

Aren't you a sweet Boy Scout?

No--

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Are you serious?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ The more when
they make for less ♪♪

♪♪ Ricka-ticka ting ding ♪♪

♪♪ No fun without distress ♪♪

♪♪ Oh ricka-ticka ting ding ♪♪

♪♪ No way out ♪♪

[cell phone ringing]

♪♪ No more why ♪♪

♪♪ Crank it high ♪♪

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Barney.

Yeah, no, everything's good.

No, yeah,
she's still sleeping.

[Lip] Okay.

Talk to you later.
Bye.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- [grunts] Stop!
- Oh, my God!

Hey, look, I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

- You gave me no choice.
- Get off me!

Not until you promise
you're not gonna drink.

Look, I'm not getting off you
until you promise!

- No!
- This is my job!

- To sit on top of me?
- To make sure you don't drink!

Oh, my God,
I told you,

it's no big deal.

Yes, it is.
All right?

Don't fuck up this gig
for me.

My brother's going to prison
tomorrow.

I need the money
for his commissary account.

Are you trying to play
on my emotions?

Is it working?

No, because I don't have any!

All right, well, then,
suck it up until Barney

gets back at 5:00, all right?
He can deal with you.

What am I supposed to do
if I'm not drinking?

Just sit in the hotel room
all day,

watching SpectraVision?

Uh, we could hang out
here in the park.

It's a beautiful day out.

You are such a sap.

Look, just relax, all right?

Enjoy, and

take it one moment
at a time, all right?

Oh, jeez.
AA crap.

All right, fine.

We'll just hang out
in this stupid park.

- All right.
- Okay.

Now I'm gonna get off you,

but I swear, if you run,

I will tackle the fuck
out of you.

You are so dramatic.

Hey, look who's talking,
commercial actress chick.

I'll have you know, I have
done 17 films and 4 TV shows.

Whatever.

Hey!

I'm just kidding,
you little shit.

[silverware clattering]

What are you doing?

Packing for our move.

I'm having second thoughts.

[keys drop]

We paid a deposit.

We'll just cancel the check.

[scoffs]
We signed a lease.

The realtor won't care.

She said tons of people
are interested, anyway.

What's this about?

[sighs]

To be honest,
I smelled mold in there.

These old apartments,
they got so much water damage,

and mold is so bad
for your lungs.

Hm.
And where's this coming from?

I just think we can find
something better and cheaper.

What's your excuse gonna be
in the next apartment?

Excuse me?

You're not remotely serious
about

us getting a place together.

That is not true.

Bullshit.

I have a perfectly

good apartment right here.

Which is too small

for me to move
any of my stuff into.

It's not the right time for me

to be spending
that kind of money.

Well, let me know
when it is the right time,

and maybe,
I might still be around.

- [keys jingle]
- Where are you going?

To cancel a check
and break a lease

so God forbid, we don't have
to fucking live together.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Yo, bitch.

My cell, now.

No way, Larry.
Ow.

See, wrong move.

You just got your throat slit.

- Ah!
- [grunts]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- And now you're dead.
- Shit.

Dude, what the hell
did we teach you?

Your ass gonna get fucked up
in prison.

Run it again.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

My cell, bitch.

[Carl] You don't roll
into the blade.

Use your left hand to grab
her wrist with the knife.

[Carl] Grab her elbow,
then throw.

[grunts]

[gasps]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

You good?

[laughs] Yeah.

[soft laugh]
[kisses]

[knocking on door]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Yeah?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Ian here?

Who wants to know?

My name's Antonio.

Joselito sent me.

Oh.
Yeah, I'm Ian.

Come in.

We talking
Joselito from County?

How's he doing?

Jackass got extra 20 years.
Stabbed a guard.

That sucks.

Uh, is he still with Leo?

Nah, they broke up
after Leo got released.

That long-distance shit
never works.

So what's going on?

Joselito wanted me
to give you an in-depth

safety orientation
about Beckman Correctional

before they send you up.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

[distant shouting]

[man] [gibbering]

Is that my Ingrid?

[man] [gibbering]

No, it's just some crazy dude.

What's so special about

this chick we're waiting for,
anyway?

Well, son,
it's a great gift in this life

to know what you're good at.

And, uh,

I'm good at crazy.

I'm a caretaker to it.
Makes me feel needed.

It's how I felt
with your mother.

Plus, it's never boring.
Look at this.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

What the hell is that?

[laughs]
Monica.

I was asleep.

Decided she was gonna
light me on fire,

one body part at a time.

- Why?
- [Frank] Hard to say

with a crazy person.

That's the thrill.

You never know
what you're gonna get,

moment to moment.

Thankfully,

she passed out
before she could torch

the rest of my body.

I'd given up trying to find

excitement like that again,
till now.

I'm gonna get some more
of those, um, fudge stripes,

and then I'll tell you
about the time Monica

shattered my kneecap
with a pool cue.

It was the best
sex of my life.

[Jen] That cloud up there
looks like a martini glass.

Nah, it's clearly
a beer funnel.

When did you start drinking?

Nine?

Maybe earlier.

I was 12.

We had a beer keg tapped
in our backyard at all times.

Grow up in a fraternity?

You ever try and stop?

Course.

Life's hard.

Booze is my only escape.

Why'd you hire
a sober companion, then?

I didn't.

Highland Cosmetics did
after the incident,

where we're doing this
Christmas commercial

in the fall,
and I was riding a horse

through Central Park,
and I fell off.

Drunk?

- I was plastered.
- [laughs]

Course, the horse got spooked

and took off,
and guess what I did?

- [scoffs]
- Start chasing after him.

- Sure.
- I was wearing high heels

and this snow angel thing.

Yeah. I almost caught it,
and I promise you,

- I could've, had I not puked.
- Sure.

I'm surprised
you didn't see it.

It was all over the Internet.
You didn't see the gif?

- No.
- The [imitates vomiting]

Aw, man.

Oh.

Let's go get some lunch.

I'm fucking starving.

Sure, yeah.

[car beeps]

Hey, Max.
You got a second?

Yeah, what's up?
Late for a thing.

- I need to get out of our deal.
- What?

Another opportunity came up,
and I'm short on cash.

What other opportunity?

Is it something
I want to invest in?

I'm not allowed to say,
but I gotta act fast.

Are you kidding me?

You bullied your way
onto my project,

and I can't get in on yours?

I'm sorry.
My hands are tied.

So how can I get my money out of
the Sunset Brook project?

You can't.
I mean, it's been invested.

And the paperwork's
already been

filed on the partnership, so...

Well, I wasn't expecting
a 12-month delay

on the senior center.

None of us were.

So what's the other thing?
You getting a better return?

Is that, uh--
is that why you want to bail?

Something like that.

Jesus.

You know, I thought
we had a good

business thing going here.

I scratch your back,
you scratch mine.

- See how you are, Gallagher.
- [soft laugh]

All right,
don't forget my 25K.

[engine turns over]

So we have a little
sex toy obsession, do we?

Obsession?
No, no, I would--

I wouldn't say that at all.

It's actually the only
sex toy we have, Father.

Well, I'm sure you would
both agree that

exposing Amy
to this kind of depravity

is not in her best interest.

With all due respect, Father,

we're not exposing our daughter
to any depravity.

[Father D'Amico]
Need I remind you

that your daughter brought

a massive, veiny,
vibrating dildo

into preschool?

Now, you may
be asking yourselves how

a pious man like myself

could have such
carnal knowledge

of sexual fetishes
and addictions.

Yeah, no,
we weren't asking that.

I'm actually kind of curious.
Yeah?

Well, prior to serving God,

I was in
the United States Navy.

You have no idea
what loneliness is

until you're trapped
out at sea,

away from home
for months at a time.

I was at a low point in my life
as our ship

pulled into Subic Bay.

Little did I know that my life
was about to spiral downward.

As we disembarked
from our ship,

my fellow seamen and I
were greeted by the warm smiles

of the Subic Bay women.

Let me tell you, a hug
from a Subic Bay woman

can take away
all your loneliness,

especially from one woman,

named Ming-hang.

Of course, I had to pay

for her companionship,
but what's a few pesos

when you're treated like a king
for an hour?

Or in my case, a few hours,
which turned into days,

which turned into weeks,

and then, eventually,
my going AWOL,

and being served

a military warrant
for my arrest.

Is this $22
for a grilled cheese?

Who cares?
Get what you want.

I'm gonna splurge
and get the Cobb salad.

Final answer.

Oh, salad's splurging?

It has creamy dressing.

[laughs] Oh.

So what qualifies you
to be a sober companion?

I don't know, really.

I mean,
I've never done it before.

Um.

Barney trusts me, I guess,

and I know
how a drunk thinks.

Here we go.
Virgin Bloody Mary.

Are you positive
it's virgin?

It's absolutely, 100%,
a virgin.

Uh, and
Coke for the gentleman.

[Fred] Let me put
this tray down.

I'll be right back
to take your order.

Kay.
This is, like, an entire salad

- on my glass.
- [Lip] Oh, yeah.

Guess they have to make up
for it being a virgin.

Oh, my God.

Hey, you told Fred the waiter
that a virgin meant

to make it a double
when I was in the bathroom.

Fuck, I miss Barney.

Sh...

Jesus Christ.

[Father D'Amico] Anyway,
at first, Ming-hang and I

just talked and made love.

Then she introduced me to
something called the Hot Carl.

Do you know
what the Hot Carl is?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We got it.

[Father D'Amico] That quickly
led to the Dirty Sanchez,

and then the gorilla mask.

It got to the point
where I couldn't orgasm

unless I was doing
the Alabama Hot Pocket.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Oh, that's when you defecate--

Nope, Father.
Too far.

Oh, you're gonna stop him now?

Anyway, the next time
you reach for that dildo,

or that butt plug,
or that ball gag,

you remember me,

an innocent seaman

just trying to serve his country

while getting choked out
to the point of asphyxiation

by a Subic Bay woman named...

[inhales]
Ming-hang.

Father, our penance.

Oh, yes, right.

Um, say four Hail Marys

and six Our Fathers.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Thank you.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[suction pops]

Okay.

- I just need your license.
- Sure.

Thank you.

I see that you already have
two mortgage loans with us.

Yes.
How long would it take

to get more money
against my property?

- How much were you looking for?
- $25,000.

Well, we would have to start
the whole approval process again

and run a new credit check.

We would need copies of
your tax returns for the last

two years, pay stubs
for the last three months.

Then we'll review
all of your bank statements,

just to ensure that you
can complete the payments.

After we have everything
we need,

it usually
takes the underwriter

about six weeks to approve.

Six weeks?

I need the money immediately.

Well, there is
an expedited procedure,

but that will cost you 10%.

- How expedited?
- Ten days.

Do you want to start
the application process?

Yes.

[vacuum cleaner humming]

Okay.

So this is the layout

of Beckman Correctional,
all right?

This is the area
you want to avoid.

Anything on the west side,

the showers,
this side of the yard,

and these cells.

That is a lot of area
I'm avoiding.

You'll thank me later.

All the inmates over here

are murderers.
Murderer,

murderer, murderer.

Jesus.

So this

is the primo area at Beckman.

All right?
I'm talking about

Disney compared
to that shit over there.

So over here, you'll
get your good weed,

your coke, your smoke,
and your Snicker bars.

Anything you need.

Assume that anything
you get from the west

is gonna be laced
with some shit

that's gonna fucking kill you.

Got it.

Now, back in Disney,

is where you'll find the guys

that give the best blowies.

All right?
There's Ralphie.

Clean, quick, easy.

Old Man Stewie?

He's good.
The Senator.

Oh, and Sasquatch.

I don't know
if he's still there.

- [door opens]
- Big Pete, Medium Pete.

- All good.
- [door shuts]

- Okay.
- [Fiona] Hi.

Anybody got any cash?
I need $25,000.

What?
For what?

I gotta put more money into
this investment that I made.

What investment?

I put $100,000 into a

parking lot
that's gonna be--

[both] You got 100 grand?

No, the--the bank gave me
a line

of credit against
my apartment building.

That's just dumb.

Don't pay it back.

No, then they'll take
the building.

You could try
to sell something.

What about your car?

It's a lease.

I can do you a solid.

Who are you?

[Ian] Antonio.

He's a friend.

[Antonio] Pleasure.
I know some guys

that know some guys,
get you 25 grand, take a cut.

I'm good.

I think I figured it out.
Thanks.

Don't forget,

I'm driving you
to prison in the morning.

- Okay.
- [keys jingle]

Why is my sobriety
so important to you anyway?

It's not.
My sobriety is important to me.

That makes no sense.

Look, if I help you stay sober,

it helps me stay sober.

So narcissistic.

[scoffs]

What if I let you touch these?

This is Highland.
This is Cosmetics.

It's nice to meet you, ladies,
but I'm--I'm not interested.

[cell phone chimes]

- Shit.
- What?

Barney's gonna be
a couple hours late.

Are you kidding me?

Look, um, I've got my brother's
last dinner, all right?

So your ass
is coming with me.

Fuck that.
I am going to the bar.

Jesus.

[muffled club music playing]

Two Flaming Dr. Peppers,
please.

You got it.

What are you doing?

Ordering us cocktails.

Hey, she doesn't want those.

Yes, she does.

Well, I'm not gonna
let you do this.

You're such a buzzkill.

It's only alcohol.
Stop giving it so much power.

It's like flavored water,
for God's sake.

Booyah!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

That's what I'm talking about.

Thank you.

Here you go.

Come on, take it, you wuss.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hm.

Please don't drink that.

Douche-canoe,
I'm a grown-ass woman.

If I want to drink it,
I'm gonna drink it.

Hey, everybody, look,
it's Jen Wagner, right here!

Look!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hi.
Hi.

- [camera shutter clicking]
- [excited chatter]

[quietly] You asshole.
Hi.

[camera shutters clicking]

I don't think
you're gonna qualify.

What?

Uh, yeah, you don't have
enough revenue

to carry a third loan.

Do you have
any additional assets,

bonds, stocks?

No.

Sorry.
I can go ahead and push

this expedited application
through

and we'll see
what the underwriter says, but

I don't think
you're gonna get approved.

[sighs]

Ah.

[Kev] You think this stuff
makes us depraved?

Fuck, no.

Yeah, but the priest
said that we're--

Well, it's his job, Kev,

to make us feel like shit

about having a healthy sex life

because he can't anymore.

When is the last time we used
any of this stuff, anyway?

Like this butt plug?

Watching the White Sox
double-header.

Oh, yeah.

The rain delay.

We just need to be more careful
with the girls around.

I don't want them walking
in on us

using any of this anytime soon.

It'll probably just fall out,
anyway.

Excuse me?

Of me.
It'll fall out of me.

Let's just throw it all out.

Hell, no.

We're gonna have a ceremony,

a proper good-bye.

Hey, Fiona,
can you take the Sprite

off this check for me, please?

Um, just, um,
comp the whole thing.

♪♪ downbeat rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Fuck.

- Knock, knock.
- What?

Sorry to interrupt, boss.

It's Linus' birthday.

We're gonna have a few drinks
later if you want to join.

Sure.

Okay.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Ingrid] [sighs]

Is that her?

Stay here.
I'll go get your medications.

Yeah, okay.

[Baxter] Hey, hey.

Looking good, Dr. Jones.

Thanks, Baxter.

Uh, Dr. Jones?

Dr. Ingrid Jones?

That's her?

Yes?

We met the other day
in the ER.

You lured me in with Vicodin?

Bitch-slapped me,
called me Timmy?

You kissed me on behalf
of Sarah Beth?

You must have
the wrong person.

Baxter, tell Randy
I'll be in my car.

Oh, but--uh--

Um...

She was so different
the other day.

We really had a connection.
She's so normal now.

Well, they're always that way
when they get released

from here, Frank.
You know that.

I guess it's been a while.

That man she was with,
Randy?

Yeah, her ex-husband.

Good to know.

W-w-what do you think?

[Liam] I don't know.

Looks like she could shatter
your kneecap.

She really does,
doesn't she?

Come on.

- [man] That's some bullshit!
- Where's my shit, motherfucker?

You didn't tell me we were
having dinner in the ghetto.

Hey, you had me running
around the city all day.

Least you could do
is hang here until

Barney comes to pick you up.

[scoffs] Hope I don't get mugged
in the meantime.

Hurry up.

You're gonna be late
for your gang initiation.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- There she is.
- [engine turns over]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- [Liam] They're leaving.
- Shit.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

What?

Frank, what about me?

Uh, take the, uh,
number 16 bus.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Ian] Okay, wait, wait, wait,
wait, I have a better one.

So Carl's, like,
five or six years old, right?

[Carl] Enough with these
Carl stories.

- Hey, let me get that.
- No way. I want more.

Me too.

Wow, looks like you're
the one going to prison.

Mm, this is amazing.

I can't believe you've never
had White Castle before.

I only eat carrots, and then
I throw them up.

- [laughter]
- Come on, tell the story.

All right, so he's
five or six years old--

Wait-wait-wait, is this
the penis or the cat story?

- Penis.
- [Carl] Shit.

[Ian] And he thought pee
was stored in his scrotum.

- [Kelly] No.
- But he called it his...

- [both] Bubble gum.
- Yeah.

'Cause it looks
like bubble gum.

He took a screwdriver...

- [both] No!
- Yeah. Yep.

- Is that what that scar is?
- Uh-huh.

Well, and why the hell'd
you do that?

I thought I'd save some time,
bypass the penis.

- [laughter]
- Creative.

See?
I'm a genius.

Yeah, you're a genius.

Did pee come out?

It smelled like pee.

- [Jen] Oh, God.
- What a genius.

Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.

I got stuck on the El
for 20 minutes.

- Nice.
- Hey, what's going on, Deb?

[Debbie] Ooh.

Yes.

- [Lip] Was it two?
- [Carl] Was it?

Why is that chick
from those makeup commercials

having dinner with us?

Oh, shit, that's you.

- Mm.
- Hey, she's also done

17 movies and 4 TV shows.

And nominated
for three Golden Globes

- and a People's Choice Award.
- [both] Whoa.

You're famous.

You make a lot of money

doing those commercials, huh?

Hey.

What?

Say the line.

- No.
- [Lip] Oh, you guys,

come on, come on, come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Face it.
You're gorgeous.

Wow.

[Lip] Whoo, whoo!

Nice.

Okay, now the Carl cat story.

- Debs, you take this one.
- [Carl] Shit.

♪♪ upbeat electronic music ♪♪

[woman]
♪♪ Just enjoy your life ♪♪

♪♪ Just enjoy your life ♪♪

[woman]
Hey, turn off the music!

[all]
♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

♪♪ Happy birthday ♪♪

♪♪ Dear Linus ♪♪

♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

[all] Whoo!

Yeah!

Ugh, I ate more tonight
than I've eaten in a month.

Hey, uh, you realize

you haven't talked
about having a drink

since you've been here?

I guess I felt comfortable.

Plus, I can't drink
after 7:00 anyway,

because everyone's gonna
smell it on me

at my meeting tomorrow morning.

Aye.

[Ian] How's my shiv looking?

Mm, sharper.

That thing
can't puncture flesh.

E--see, look at mine.
Mm?

[Ian] Oh, wow.

Take that, you rape-y pillow.

Uh, can I give my two cents
about prison?

Sure.

Find a hobby.

Makes the time go
so much faster.

Oh, papier-mâché's good.

Easy to do with toilet paper,
glue, and water.

You learn that
from one of your movies?

Bitch, please.

I served time.

48 hours for DUI.

Oh, I didn't know
I was in the company

of such a badass.

Maybe I should go to prison,
too.

Seems like the only way
I'll find a real relationship.

That's not true.

It is.
I'm unlucky in love.

Men, women...

Hey, you're a special woman.

You don't want just anyone.

No, you--you want somebody
who gets you.

I played a lesbian once
in a movie.

- Whoa.
- Wow.

- [laughter]
- [all] Face it,

you're gorgeous!

[laughs]

If I don't come up
with 25 grand...

I'm gonna be in default
on my partnership agreement

and lose

my $100,000 investment.

I got my car repo-d this week.

And I'll have to foreclose

on my apartment building,

and my credit
will just be... ruined.

My mom and I
are getting kicked out

of our Section 8 housing.

That sucks.

[distant train horn]

I'm sorry.

[splash]

[splash]

What was that?

Looked like a dick.

[distant train horn]

[splashing]

Huh.

Bye-bye, hot pink anal beads.

We never really used them,
anyway.

I did.

When you were visiting
your mother.

You did?

[laughing] Oh, yeah.

I was so stressed that night.

I thought I lost one inside me.

I couldn't remember

if I started out
with five or six beads.

[sighs]

Good riddance.

[splash]

Someone is up there,
throwing stuff.

No.
[laughs]

I--I can't.
I--I--

I have a boyfriend.
Oh,

and I--I lied to him,

and he's really mad at me.

[sighs] I might've fucked
the whole thing up.

I have to apologize.

[door closes,
car engine turns over]

[engine revs]

♪♪ easygoing music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[groans]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hey.

For your commissary account.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I'll pay you back.

No, you won't.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[distant dog barking]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ energetic rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[door opens]

[door closes]

[knocking]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Are you stalking me?

Do I need to call the police?

I know it was you.

I was having a bad day.

My medications were off.

Wasn't the real me.

I think it was the real you,
and I loved it.

[laughs]
What?

You don't have anything
to be ashamed of.

You are fantastic.

I wish I were normal.

Why?

I-I don't really like
that part of me.

I do.

♪♪ I'm moving on ♪♪

[sighs]

♪♪ Heading my way, Columbia ♪♪

Hi, it's me.

♪♪ I'm moving on ♪♪

I'm sorry
about our stupid fight.

♪♪ I'm moving on ♪♪

[sighs]

[country music playing
over speakers]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ When the tables
finally turn ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna be ♪♪

You...

♪♪ Your lesson learned ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hi, it's me.
You didn't come home.

Call me.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Oh.

♪♪ I'm rolling down
the tracks ♪♪

[sighs]

Oh, I can't...

♪♪ Well, I'll be all right
I'll be just fine ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a heartbreaker, baby
I'm one of a kind ♪♪

[music stops]

[distant horn honks]

[tires grind]

[doorbell chimes]

[footsteps]

Hi.
Is Ford here?

Do you know
what time it is?

[Ford]
What's going on?

Fiona.

[sighs]

I got this, Patty.

Patty.

You s--
you said Patty was your mother.

I'm his wife.

[Fordie] Daddy...

[Patty sighs]

I can't sleep.

Oh, come on, sweetheart.

Let's go back to bed.

- [laughs]
- Fiona--

I'm such a fucking idiot.

Fiona, wait.
Patty and I are separated.

That didn't look separated
to me.

We're getting a divorce.

Why wouldn't you just

tell me that you're married?

We stayed together
for the kid.

Oh.

Holy shit,
you're a fucking asshole.

Fiona,
just listen to me.

Fiona.

Can't believe this...

Fiona, listen to me
for a second.

This is fucking--take
your fucking hand off my car.

Don't do this, Fiona.

- Take your fucking hand--
- No way! Fucking no!

Take your fucking hands
off my car!

Fiona!
Fiona!

[crying]

♪♪ disquieting rock music ♪♪

[Ford]
Fiona!

Fiona!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.

- Relax, relax.
- Fu-fuck.

She's bleeding.
she's fucking bleeding.

Oh, fuck...

- Fiona...
- Fuck...

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Fiona!

[panting]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

You sure she said
she was gonna drive you?

Yep.

Still going to voice mail.

How about Uncle Kev drives you?

I'll go get my truck.

Thanks, man.

[cell phone chimes]

♪♪ tender string music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

All right.

I, uh...

thought Geneva
and some of the others

would be here, but...

[sighs] You can only count
on family, dude.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I'm gonna miss you.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Don't get too raped in there,
all right?

- Kevin!
- I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say
in these situations.

How about "Bye"
and "I love you"?

B-bye, man.

I love you.

I love you guys, too.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hey, uh...

Thanks for being my brother.

Uh, never had a choice.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

All right.
[clears throat]

See you guys.

[man]
Have a good one.

[man]
See ya.

[man]
Open up!

[door buzzes, opens]

[man]
Let's go.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[door slams]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter, jeering]

Knock it off.

[door slams]

[distant indistinct chatter]

[door opens]

[door closes]

I rolled on the cartel
I was working for,

and in exchange,
guess who gets

to pick
where he gets locked up?

Holy fuck.

Oh, hey, I got bottom,

so...

you're on top.

♪♪ smooth music ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, oh ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ That's the way
every day goes ♪♪

♪♪ Every time
we've no control ♪♪

♪♪ If the sky
is pink and white ♪♪

♪♪ If the ground
is black and yellow ♪♪

♪♪ It's the same way
you show me ♪♪

♪♪ Glory from above ♪♪

♪♪ Regard my dear ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ It's all downhill
from here ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Bending up my Nikes ♪♪

♪♪ Running out the melpomene,
nicotine ♪♪

♪♪ Stealing granny cigs,
take it easy ♪♪

♪♪ Gimme something sweet ♪♪

♪♪ Bitch I might like
immortality ♪♪

♪♪ Life, life immortality ♪♪