Shameless (2011–…): Season 10, Episode 1 - We Few, We Lucky Few, We Band of Gallaghers! - full transcript

No, no, fucker, no!

Fuck no!

I am not telling you

what happened last season
on "Shameless"!

Yeah!

Yeah--no!

Not without me, Frank,
you motherfucker!

[Frank]
Put me down. Put me down.

No more!
Ah!

Ooh.

[Fiona] How long
did the doctor say

you were gonna be
like this?

[Frank]
Three to six months.

I think I might
be gay.

Where is this coming from?

Is this because
you're a welder now?

[Debbie] No,
I've just been feeling ways

that I've never
felt before.

Is Liam back
from church yet?

- [Todd] Yeah.
- [Debbie] Where is he?

- [Todd] In his room.
- [Debbie] His room?

Yeah, I've noticed
that you're black.

Your point?

That you have never
made any attempt

to surround me with my own
cultural and racial heritage.

- [Debbie] What's this?
- [Liam] My list of demands.

Once agreed upon,
I'll consider coming home.

[Carl]
I didn't make it past

the first round
of cuts for West Point.

[Debbie] You're going
back to school.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, Carl.

I'm a loser, Debbie.

So are you done
being a pussy

and ready to get back
to being the man that I love?

[Tami]
Oh, shit.

You guys invited Jabby?

I was hoping
you'd be here.

I've having a lot
of really great sex recently.

Let's go bang one out,

get my average back in
the shitter where it belongs.

Yeah, you know,
I could use

some fresh puke on my shoes,
so that'd be good.

I'm pregnant.

You sure it's mine?

Yeah, I'm sure
it's yours.

[Lip] If you decide
to have this baby,

I wanna make damn sure
it has a father.

[Kev] Anybody order
a hot piece of ass?

[upbeat music playing]

Feast your eyes, boys.

You can look,
but you can't touch.

Is that Jesus?

And I'm thinking maybe
it's time for me to go.

You should go.

What?

You should get
the fuck out.

You deserve it.

You should go
as far away as you can.

A check for $50,000.

"Love you."

Yeah, she does.

♪ upbeat music ♪

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

[phone ringing]

[train clacking]

[phone ringing continues]

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

♪ ♪

[Tami]
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby.

[grunts]
I'm so wet.

I'm so very,
very wet.

Um...

- One sec. One sec.
- What?

Okay.

[grunts]
Yeah.

- Yeah.
- [grunts]

It slipped out again.
I slipped.

Okay, hang on.
Let me get on top.

All right.

[grunts]

Careful, careful.

Yeah.

Whew, okay.

[groaning]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, whoa, whoa,
I just felt the baby kick.

Oh, focus.

Baby likes it.

Yeah.
[moans]

♪♪♪

Really?

[Tami moaning]

[Tami]
Yeah, yeah, oh!

Is it really that hard to put
your clothes down the chute?

[Tami moaning]
Come on!

Baby wants you
to smack that ass.

[moaning]

[Debbie]
No, Liam, I have to pee!

- [Tami] Oh, yes, yes!
- Oh.

Sorry, Sister Debbie.

Five after seven
is my bathroom time,

per the deal with me

for me to come live
in this cracker barrel.

[door slams]

♪♪♪

I'm not your maid, people!

[laundry chute rumbling]

♪♪♪

[Debbie]
Ooh.

[groans]

Ugh.

[Debbie] Get your head
out of the sink, Frank.

Where's your pants?

[Frank belches]

[groans]

[groaning]

[door thumps]

[Tami] Has anyone
seen my gas mask?

[Lip]
And my work boots?

[Debbie] Anything left
in the upstairs hallway

can now be found
in the backyard!

[Lip]
What? Why?

'Cause the hallway
is a public space,

and all public spaces need
to be kept clear of clutter

to allow for safe egress
in the event of fire.

All right.

Can you get out
of the kitchen, Frank?

Hey, shoo.

No pants, Frank.

Hey, good morning, Debbie.

Mwah.

Hi.

Who are you
supposed to be today?

Frederick Douglass.

[Debbie]
Liam, sausage and eggs.

Grab a plate.

I don't eat
the white man's swine.

- Huh?
- Pork.

I like swine.

Hey!

Ouch.

[Debbie] Only kids under 12
eat for free.

Everybody else pays.

[door slams]

Farhad's letting me

borrow his car
on Saturday to go visit Ian.

[Frank]
Oh, yeah?

[Debbie] Yeah, if any of you
guys want to tag along,

Franny and I are gonna leave
at 8 a. m. sharp.

[Lip]
Yeah, we're in.

Me too.

[Debbie]
Cool. Frank?

What?

[Debbie]
Down to visit Ian?

No one ran a load?

Okay, listen up,
people.

For the last time,
I'm not Fiona.

I've got my own kid
to raise.

If you wanna do your laundry,
do it yourself.

It's right there.

You don't want breakfast, Liam?
Fine.

[Tami]
I gotta get to work.

[Lip]
All right, you good?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Bye.

[moans softly]

I love you so much.

I miss you already.

All right.

- I'll see you.
- Yeah.

Bye, family.

[Debbie]
Bye.

She have a serious head injury
or something recently?

[Lip] Ah, it's just the baby
hormones making her nice.

- School?
- Yep.

[Lip] All right,
let's go.

♪ percussive rock music ♪

[Lip] Bye, Debs.
See ya, Franny.

[Debbie] Bye.

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪♪♪

[motorcycle engine rumbling]

♪♪♪

[officer]
Gallagher, get your ass up!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na,
na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

[Carl]
How long have I been in here?

[keys jingling]

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ I'ma take ya ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na... ♪

Clean yourself up.

You're graduating

so we can kick you
the hell out.

♪ And when you're
in my sights ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'ma take ya ♪

♪ Down like dynamite ♪

♪ Turn it up ♪

♪ Fahrenheit ♪

♪ Time for you
to say good-bye ♪

♪ I'ma take you
down like dynamite ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'ma take you
down like dynamite ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Dynamite ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- [militaristic drumming]
- [officer] Attention!

Forward!

One, two!

Left, left, right, left.

Left, left, left, right, left.

[Veronica]
Your dashiki came!

Yeah, yesterday.

Very handsome.

Frederick Douglass
breakfast?

Slave or freedom breakfast?

Slave breakfast from my new
"Slave Quarters Cookbook,"

grits and okra.

Slaves ate okra?

That's what the book says:
okra, weeds, roots,

whatever we could grow or dig
up behind slave quarters.

Master only gave us a cup
of cornmeal a day to live on.

Want some
blackstrap molasses?

Sure.

What do you think
of Chukwuemeka?

I wanna ditch
my slave name.

It means "God has done
something great" in Igbo.

I like it.

God definitely did something
great day you were born.

[Kev]
Mornin'.

[Veronica]
Mornin'.

Good morning, girls.

- [Amy] Hi.
- [Jemma] Hi, Daddy.

Don King, right?

No, Frederick Douglass.

Who?

[Veronica] Author,
orator, escaped slave.

[Kev] Oh, you two studying him
in your "being black" class?

[Veronica] Yep, we are
up to the Civil War.

[Liam] Reconstruction
is next.

[Veronica] Have to cover
the Emancipation Proclamation

and the defeat
of the slave-owning traitor

Robert E. Lee at the hands
of black soldiers

who fought and died to save
America for the white man.

[Kev] I always thought
Robert E. Lee

was some sort
of great general.

Racist shithead.

But don't he have statues?

[Veronica]
Statues all gotta come down.

[Kev]
What the hell is that?

[Veronica]
Chitlins.

- [Liam] Chitlins?
- [Veronica] Pig intestines.

Really?

[Veronica] We gotta eat
what our ancestors ate

if we're gonna understand
what they sacrificed for us.

All right, baby, I'm going to
the park to shoot some hoops.

I'll see you later
at the Alibi.

Bye, girls.
See you later, Fred.

♪ funky upbeat music ♪

[door slams]

[Frank]
Why can't I get

a couple of hundred bucks
of my Fiona money now?

[Debbie] Fiona didn't
leave you any money, Frank.

She left money
for the family,

and she left it under
my control

because she knows
I'm the only Gallagher

that wouldn't waste it
on frivolous, stupid things.

I've divided Fiona's $50,000
into three categories:

30,000 for essentials,
20,000 for savings.

Savings?

What the hell for?

We need a rainy day
fund, Frank.

Anytime you're around,
it's pouring.

After I take care
of all of the essentials,

whatever's left goes into
the discretionary fund

with money divided equally
for each of us,

you included, unfortunately.

Doctors?

Yep, and dentists.

What's wrong
with the ER?

It's free.

The ER is not free,
Frank.

You just don't
pay your bills.

Garbage disposal,
home repairs.

Taxes?

What's this 600 bucks
you've already taken

out of my nonexistent
discretionary money?

600 bucks, new couch.

There's nothing wrong
with our couch.

You spent the last six months

dribbling your broken leg
juices and piss all over it.

It's perfectly fine.

It's just--

the cushions need plumping,
that's all.

Yeah, we're getting
a new couch,

and it's coming out
of your share.

Oh, no, it is not.

Yeah, it is.

All right, I gotta
go to work now,

you know, that thing
people do to make money

to support their children.

You might want
to wash those clothes.

You smell like

a sushi restaurant dumpster
on a hot day.

♪ spacey electronic music ♪

♪ Turn the beat up ♪

♪ The homie hit me up ♪

♪ To tear the beat up ♪

♪ Weak MCs,
I see 'em like beef ♪

♪ I'ma show my tail ♪

♪ Then shred 'em
on they own beat ♪

[Kev] Right here, here.
Here, here.

♪ Like everybody owes me ♪

♪ Doin' my dance ♪

♪ Got all the girlies on me ♪

♪ I'ma keep it solid while
exposing all you phonies ♪

♪ Bet you can't keep me down ♪

[all] Oh!

♪ Bet you don't
believe me now ♪

♪ Stand up, stand up,
fight the fight ♪

♪ Stand up, stand up,
knock out lights ♪

♪ Stand up, stand up ♪

[Lamar]
Don't give it to him.

[Kev] I'm open.
Pass me the ball.

Here, here,
here, here, here.

♪ Stand up, stand up,
fight the fight ♪

♪ Stand up, stand up ♪

I got it.
I got it.

♪ Stand up, stand up ♪

- [man] Awesome, Pete.
- [Pete] Thanks, man.

♪ Stand up, stand up,
and I don't back down ♪

♪ Stand up, stand up,
and you're goin' down ♪

Give me the ball, man.
Give me the ball.

Give me the ball!

Come on, man.

♪ Get it how I live ♪

♪ Take a shot of [...], get
they dreams of getting rich ♪

♪ Your boy come equipped
with the genie, keep it lit ♪

Give me
the damn ball, man.

Give me the rock.
I'm open.

♪ Switch up the hits ♪

♪ Got the haters bitter
like unripe figs ♪

♪ Never hold my tongue,
I'ma tell you how it is ♪

Yo, yo, yo, yo, look up!
Look up!

Pass it!

Right here,
here, here, here.

♪ Like unripe figs ♪

♪ Like unripe figs ♪

[all laughing]

♪♪♪

[man]
Oh, man.

Morning, Gloria.

Anything governmental
check-like in there?

Government hasn't figured out
you're scamming

our hard-earned
taxpayer dollars yet, Frank?

I am a loyal citizen
of this great republic,

currently unemployed
due to endemic ageism

and disruptive technologies

reordering everything
in our new gig economy.

Fiona, Fiona.

Fiona, Fiona, Fiona.
Fiona.

You should thank me
for continuing to pay

your inflated
civil service wages

while the Silicon Valley
eggheads program the drones

that will make your
antiquated job obsolete.

♪ upbeat funky music ♪

♪♪♪

[keys jingling]

[sighs]

Here we go.

[inhales]

[sighs]

Don't look at me
like that.

I've got a system.

It's all going back.

Nordstrom's is blue,

Marshalls is pink,

Bloomie's is purple,

Chanel is orange,
Gucci's black,

and Prada is yellow.

I deserve
to feel special.

What should I wear
under my Carhartts today,

La Perla or Victoria's Secret?

Victoria's Secret.

Victoria's Secret it is.

♪ upbeat percussive music ♪

♪♪♪

Who you supposed
to be today?

Frederick Douglass.

In a dashiki?

Douglass was from
Senegambia.

Dude, it's not
a real place.

You gotta chill out
with that shit.

You look like
"Coming to America."

Most people aren't
as ignorant as you.

They'll appreciate this.

We going or not?

Okay.

I'm not walking next to you
dressed like that.

[Lip] She wants
to have sex all the time.

All right,
three times last night

and again this morning.

No hemorrhoids or problems
with the mucus plug?

What's a mucus plug?

You'd know if you'd had
a problem with it.

You know, I never thought
I'd be complaining

about having
this much sex.

Enjoy it while you can.

Cami didn't want me
to touch her for months

after Miles was born.

Oh, that's the thing,

she's so fucking nice
to me all the time.

You know, it's all
honey, sweetie.

She called me boo
this morning.

I mean, it's "alien
abduction movie" creepy.

I don't like it.

It won't last.

Once the baby's born,
with the sleep deprivation,

the postpartum craziness,
and Tami being kind of a bitch,

it's gonna be a rough ride,
my friend.

Is that valves?

Hmm, and rings.

Cami's making a list
of stuff she thinks

you still need to buy
before your baby gets here.

Oh, come on, man.
Really?

Wha--what about all the shit
we got at the baby shower?

The expensive stuff
nobody around here

can afford to give
at a shower.

It's a fancy breast pump,

baby video monitor
that connects to your phone,

some Scandinavian
car seat-stroller combo thing.

I grew up
around a ton of kids.

I never had
any of that shit.

You know, Frank wouldn't even
buy us diapers half the time.

He'd tape garbage bags
around us,

hose us off in the backyard
before bedtime.

Really?

No, but close.

[phone ringing]

[woman]
It's on a different floor.

One moment, please.
I'll transfer you.

[elevator dings]

[indistinct chatter]

[knock on door]

How you feeling, Frank?

Still in
a lot of pain, Doc.

Really,
after all this time?

I can barely sleep.

The pain
is excruciating.

Oxycontin is the only thing
making life bearable.

Hmm, well,
let's take a look.

[screams]

Doc, please, careful.

I haven't touched you yet,
Frank.

I think
that kid surgeon, uh,

musta severed
some nerves or something.

How long's it been now,
six months?

Five.
Five months of agony.

Well, congratulations.

You're healed.

You might experience
some minor discomfort,

but you can take care of that
with some Advil.

Advil?

Yeah, or anything
over the counter will do.

You're cutting me off?

Gotta err on
the side of caution.

Oxycontin
is highly addictive.

We wouldn't want you
to become drug dependent.

Shouldn't you be
titrating me down slowly

like a half a dose
for a year or two,

- Maybe, um--
- Nope.

- Vicodin.
- No.

- Codeine.
- Not a chance.

So that's it.

You're just gonna let me
suffer in silence.

Oh, I don't think you're
gonna be silent, Frank.

You know,
you may want to try

to slip out the back
on your way out.

The billing department put out
a most-wanted deadbeats poster,

and your picture
is on it.

When the doctors
in this dump

start caring about
their patients in pain,

maybe some of us'll start
paying our bills!

♪ upbeat dance music ♪

Well, shit.

♪♪♪

[Jerome] Hey, yo,
African booty scratcher!

Yo, dashiki boy!

Yeah, you.

I'm talking to you,
Mufasa.

- [all grunting]
- [boy] Yo, kid!

[overlapping chatter]

♪♪♪

I'm that guy now,

that pathetic old guy
that no one guards

because he can't
make a basket.

You're not old-old,
honey,

but every athlete
slows down a bit.

Maybe you just need
to change up your game.

Has Brady slowed down?

No, he just won
the Super Bowl last year.

Tiger Woods?
No.

He won the Masters.

Those guys
are freaks of nature

pampered and coddled by an army
of trainers and nutritionists.

Not to mention the
performance-enhancing drugs.

[Tommy] Brady doesn't use
performance-enhancing drugs.

Uh-huh,
sure he doesn't.

Look, you can't
compare yourself

to professional athletes,
Kev.

Hell, I ran a 5.2
40 in high school,

and now I can barely
finish a 5K.

Or touch your toes.

[chuckling]
You ran a 5K?

Well, I didn't say
I ran it.

There was some
walking involved.

And an Uber.

[Tommy]
It's testosterone.

Men lose one percent every year
after the age of 30.

Really, one percent?

You never had any to begin
with, so don't worry about it.

It's not me.
It's my shitty shoes.

[Tommy]
Your shoes?

Yeah, all the players
are wearing

Kobes and Jordans
and LeBrons.

This is what I need
right here.

[Tommy whistles]

$350?

[Kev] Impact cushioning
and instant responsiveness

plus easy entry.

That a shoe
or a fat hooker?

[Veronica]
Absolutely not.

But, V, my old shoes are
fucking up my shooting rhythm.

It's not the shoes, honey.
You're just getting old.

You just said
I wasn't getting old.

For $350,
you old as shit,

Bernie Sanders old,
Harry Belafonte old.

Well,
I'm still buying 'em.

Not with our money,
you're not.

It's my money too.

We're on a budget, Kev.

What do you suggest
we skip this month,

food or electricity?

All right, fine.

You don't want to help me
reclaim my manhood,

that's just fine.

Then I'm gonna earn
my own money,

and I'm gonna
buy these shoes.

[band playing
militaristic music]

- Stonewall Jackson Keogh.

[applause]

[band playing
militaristic music]

George S. Patton Lopez.

[applause]

[band playing
militaristic music]

Carl Francis
Hashish Gallagher.

[smattering of applause]

Yo, Gallagher!

You're a disgrace,
Gallagher,

a dark,
putrid shit stain

on the reputation
of this institution.

I never, ever want
to see your face again,

not on my campus,
not in my town,

my state, and not ever
in my army.

We clear, son?

Crystal, sir.

I've informed
the Pentagon.

You're not going
to be allowed

the honor of dying
for your country.

Thank you, sir.

♪ plodding rock music ♪

[claps]
Yeah, baby! Yeah!

♪♪♪

♪ Don't leave us behind ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Don't lose your head ♪

♪♪♪

This should really help
with your arthritis pain,

but beware of any dizziness.

It's a common side effect
of Oxycontin.

Oh, I--I didn't
know that.

Well, uh, thank you
so much, Bill.

♪ Don't look
to the right of me ♪

♪ Me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me ♪

♪ This is why I can't stop ♪

♪ It won't stop,
it won't stop ♪

Oh!

Goodness gracious,
I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, I'm sure
it was my fault.

I am so clumsy
these days.

No, no,
it's this walker.

I just can't get used
to using it.

I broke my hip.

- Your hip?
- Yeah.

Oh, that's what happened
to my Danny.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Old age isn't for
the faint of heart, is it?

When you're right,
you're right.

- Yeah.
- You take care now.

Oh, you too.
Thanks.

Uh, sir?

Sir, uh, uh,
you in the walker.

Sir?

I--I--I think
you have my bag.

♪ I can't stop ♪

Sir?

He's stealing
my drugs!

Police!

Police!

Jesus.

- What the fuck, asshole?
- Shit, what the fuck?

Mikey?

Frank.

Jesus, Mikey, what--

[grunts]

What happened?

What happened to you?

Busted femur.

Bone poked out
right through the skin.

Two ER nurses
threw up when they saw it.

Oh, train.

I passed out
on the Garfield L platform,

then I fell
onto the tracks,

and then the train just came
and took 'em clean off.

[Eleanor]
There he is. That's him.

Uh, good seeing
you, Mikey.

I gotta go.

- [guard] All right.
- [Eleanor] Go quick.

No, look,
he's running away.

Go get him.

Go on, get him.

[siren wails]

[laughs]
Outstanding!

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

♪♪♪

They're so
fucking disgusting.

They never do
their own dishes.

They leave soaking wet towels
on the floor after they shower.

There's dirty underwear
everywhere.

You'd think it
would kill them

to clean their pubes
out of the tub

or--or use the toilet brush
after they take a shit.

And then they get mad at me
if I don't buy the groceries

or make dinner
or do their laundry.

[sniffs]
Mmm, you smell nice.

You wearing
that Lancôme again?

Chanel.

I got two spritzes left
before I have to return it.

Nice.

Yeah, I like it,

hints of jasmine
and elderberry.

They're like blind
baby boy pigs.

And why is it my job
to take care of them?

I mean, just because
they're boys and I'm girl.

You know, the Amazon women
had the right idea:

raise men in cages
for reproduction,

then sacrifice them
to Aphrodite

on a big
vulva-shaped altar.

It is long past time
women take over the world.

Men have been
screwing everything up

since Adam forced Eve
to eat that damn apple.

Uh, I think the serpent
made Eve eat the apple.

Yeah, well, what do you want
to bet the serpent had a dick?

[scoffs]

[indistinct chatter]

[Kelly]
I'm so proud of you.

Thanks.

Oh, you made it.

I didn't see your family.
Are they here somewhere?

I didn't tell them
I was graduating.

Why not?

I wasn't sure
I was going to.

[Charlie]
Carl, Carl!

Um, Mom, Dad, this is
Corporal Carl Gallagher,

the only man
who had the courage

to stand up for me
when I was assaulted.

Oh!

Mwah.
Bless you, Corporal.

Our Charlie couldn't
have made it without you.

Corporal Gallagher
stood up to eight cadets

when they jumped
me in the showers,

waded in to help me
with only a bar of soap,

a bottle of conditioner,
and--and a flip-flop.

I would never have been
able to come out as trans

and begin
hormone reassignment therapy

if he hadn't been willing
to put his body on the line

so that I may live
my gender truth.

[tearfully]
I will never forget you.

[whispers]
Thank you.

Did he just say
he wants to be a girl?

I--I--I thought trans meant

he was transferring in
from another school.

Did I just spend six
fucking weeks in the brig

because some dude
wants to be a chick?

[pole squeaking]

[Andrew]
So you used to work here.

[Kev]
Yeah, a couple years ago.

Customers loved it when
I danced to "I Want Your Sex."

- George Michael.
- Yeah, and I do this fantastic

little freeze thing
with "Vogue,"

pop up here,
Madonna.

How old are you?

30--

[Andrew] Come back at 6
and we'll see how it goes.

I'm short a dancer tonight

because Donny's shingles
flared up.

Thank you so much, man.

You will not be disappointed,
I promise.

[pole squeaking]

Margi, hey.

What are we doing today?

You wanna do,
uh, more pink highlights,

or are we taking you back
to your natural brunette?

Nordic white
with honey streaks.

I'll give it a shot.

[sighs]

You know that mask's
kind of freaky, right?

Yeah, well,
it's better than Junior

being born
with flippers and a tail.

[sighs]

[Marji] Jeff is definitely
cheating on me.

But I'm not gonna confront him.

Think I'll just
start sleeping around

until I pick up
a nasty STD,

then give it to him
so he can give it to her.

Serve the skank right.

You okay?

[Dakota]
Tami?

[Marji] Should we
call your doctor?

Ah, ah!

[groans]

- [Dakota] Just breathe.
- [groans]

Ah!

- [Lip] Shit.
- [cell phone quacking]

Hey, can you
get that for me?

[groans]

Lip's phone.

It's Tami.

Yeah, tell her I'll
call her right back.

Can he call you back?

Uh, you're gonna
wanna take this.

Why? Why?
Hey.

[Mikey] Yeah,
so I've been doing

a little bit
of this and that.

I ran a pigeon drop scheme
for a while.

[Frank] Ah, people still
falling for that old chestnut?

Yeah, a sucker
born every minute.

What about you?
What you been up to?

I've been stuck on the couch
recovering for months,

both physically,
my femur,

and from a broken heart.

Unlucky in love?

- Kids.
- Oh.

My firstborn
ran off.

And now
my youngest daughter,

the slutty one that had
the baby in middle school,

thinks she's in charge.

She's got her grubby,
slutty hands

all over
the family purse strings,

won't even cough up
a few bucks

for her old man
to have a cold one

after a long day
of work.

You know, we sacrifice
so much for our kids,

and first chance they get,
wham, bam,

not even "thank you, Dad,"
you know?

I--I--nah.

Oh, oh, oh.

What you doing?

[light instrumental music
playing]

[phone rings]

I thought we were
going to your place.

What are we doing here?

Shopping for a little
home furnishings.

Do me a favor.

Go hit that fire alarm
down there, will ya?

What's in it for me?

What's in it for you?

How about...

[pills rattle]

...a little Purdue party?

Where's that alarm?

By the elevator.

[whispers]
Yeah.

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

♪♪♪

[alarm whoops]

[woman] Please exit
the building calmly, everyone.

No need for concern.

Right this way, just out
the front doors, please.

[alarm whooping continues]

[man] Probably just
a false alarm.

Right out that door, sir.

[hard rock playing on radio]

They can't stop you
from enlisting if you want to.

Fuck the military.

The army would be
lucky to have you.

The army can kiss my ass.

Then join the navy
with me.

Sail the seven seas.
See the world.

Wait, there's seven seas?

You would look so good
in white bell-bottoms,

little sailor hat.

Nobody looks good
in bell-bottoms.

[rap music playing over radio]

I, uh, have
some bad news.

Herpes?

The day after tomorrow,

I have to report back to
Annapolis for Plebe Summer.

Hell's that for?

Freshman officer training.

For how long?

Six weeks.

So we don't have a lot
of time to fit it all in.

Fit what all in?

A summer's worth
of sex.

48 condoms?

In 32 hours.

You up for the challenge,
Gallagher?

Uh, yeah.

Then prove it, pussy.

[engine roars]

Yo, V, do we have
any turmeric?

No.

What about spirulina?

What the hell's
spirulina?

I have no idea,

but it's supposed
to boost my testosterone.

How much of that
are you supposed to use?

[Kev] One scoop,
but I'm a pretty big guy.

[Tommy]
Jesus, Kev.

[laughs]

Holy shit.

[blender whirring]

Liam, your lip.
What the hell happened?

A lack of appreciation
of our shared heritage

from some of our less woke
black brothers.

What's he drinking?

[Tommy]
Testosterone smoothie.

It's supposed to help him
get his manly mojo back.

Can I have some?

- [Veronica] No.
- Just a little bit?

[screams]

[grunting]

[head thumping]

You sure I can't get
just a little bit of that?

Think it's real this time?

I'm not sure.

Did your water break?

No, but--
[groans]

Those are getting
pretty close together.

Just shut the fuck up and find
a goddamn parking spot!

She's back.

All right.

[gasps]

[sighs]

Oh.

Hey, all right.

Can you walk?
Can you walk?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Jesus,
of course I can walk.

- [groans]
- Can you?

- Yea--ah!
- Honey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Should you
be squatting?

Yeah, did you
call my sister?

No, Cami, no.
No, no, no.

Excuse me!

I told you,
I don't want you in there

staring down my cooch

with a baby head popping out
while I shit in a hospital bed.

All right, I'm gonna
find you a wheelchair

so you don't have the baby
in the parking lot, all right?

[groaning]

[straining]

Ah, oh!

- [Kelly moaning]
- [door banging]

Oh, yeah!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Let's go.

Oh! Whoo!

Whew.
[laughs]

[gasping]

[sighs]

♪ Oh, yeah,
let me tell ya ♪

♪ upbeat hip-hop music ♪

♪ I've been livin' good ♪

♪ I'm not gonna hold it back ♪

♪ I'm gonna show ya ♪

- Who you texting?
- [text tone sounds]

Debbie,

let her know we'll be home
in a couple of hours.

How many condoms
we have left?

[phone swoops]

Hmm.

♪ Livin' real, real good ♪

♪♪♪

41.

We're only averaging
one an hour?

I think we're gonna have to
cut back on your recovery time.

I think we may need to stop

for a case of Red Bulls
and some Tiger Balm.

Mm, I have faith
in you, Gallagher.

♪ Ooh ♪

Mm.
[laughs]

♪♪♪

[grinder whirring]

♪ Real, real good ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Battery.

[cell phone chimes]

♪ Let me show ya ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- [Farhad] Who's that?
- [Debbie] Kelly.

Her and Carl
are almost home.

I thought your brother
was in the army or something.

Military school.

You excited
to see him?

[flatly]
Yeah.

Weird, I--I guess I kinda miss
the little dickhead.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Real, real good ♪

Yeah, excuse me, um, uh,
I don't really know

all the answers
to these questions.

Don't you have it
on file somewhere?

Are you with
Miss Tamietti?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Get your ass in here.

Whoa, whoa, um...

What, uh--
wha--what's going on?

Hey, is there
something wrong or, um--

Put those on.

[indistinct chatter]

Sign this.

Wait, what is--
what is this?

Surgical consent.

Fetal distress.

We're performing
an emergency C-section.

[man] We have to get
this baby out now.

[Tami] No, no, no, no.
I'm not having a Cesarean.

I'm having my baby
naturally.

[Fowler] That's not going
to happen, Tami.

- Sign it.
- I--I--I'm not really her--

Are you the father?

- Yeah, yes.
- Then sign it.

- [monitor beeps]
- Asphyxia.

- Uh...
- [Benyon] Hold her hand.

[monitor beeping]

It's coming now.
It's all right.

- [monitor beeping quickly]
- [exhales]

[bass-heavy
dance music playing]

[Clint] Hey, you the guy
taking Donny's place?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, that's Donny's spot
right there.

Hey, uh, do me a favor,
would ya?

Rip my ass wax.

I can't reach back there
with my arthritis.

You guys are dancers?

[chuckling]
Well, yeah.

I've been dancing
on Daddy Night for ten years.

Great tips.

[Sam]
Hey.

You can borrow
my Tom Selleck, if you want.

Millennials love it.

Okay, go ahead,
yank it.

Don't be shy.

Oh!

[breathing heavily]

Oh, thanks.

[inhales]
Ah.

[upbeat hip-hop music
playing on radio]

[springs squeaking]

[Kelly]
Oh, Carl!

[laughs]

[gasping]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What?

I--I think
the condom broke.

[gasps]

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, hold on.

I'm--I--I'll check.

No, no, I'll do it.

Drive, get out.

I'm ovulating.
Get out!

Drive!
Drive!

[gasping]

Okay, okay, okay.

- Aren't you gonna sit?
- Hell no.

Gotta keep your nasty little
swimmers downstream.

- Go!
- Where?

Find a drugstore,
and fast.

[engine turns over]

♪ Nuh shot nuh haffi fiyah ♪

♪ Every posse get flat ♪

♪ Nuh shot nuh haffi fiyah ♪

♪ Hey, get up on it,
get, get ♪

[Frank]
27 for me.

[pills rattle]

One for you.

[whispers]
Hey.

And two for us
to snort now.

You're a true friend,
Frankie.

Don't I know it,
Mikey.

[knife tapping]

All hail mighty Oxy,

the Dom Pérignon
of opiates.

Thank you,
Mr. Sackler.

You know, he'll never get
the Nobel Prize...

But he should.

Yeah, Sackler should
have his face carved

on the Mount Rushmore
of drugs.

[laughs]

Who else should be
on that mountain?

Um...

Bob Marley.

Absolutely.

- Willie Nelson.
- Gotta have Willie.

- Willie.
- Keith Richards.

Keith, yes, Keith.

Of course.

Jimi.

OD'd, maybe not
the best example.

- [sniffs]
- Nirvana.

Well, I loved
their first album.

No, man, I'm talking
about this moment:

peace, heaven,
enlightenment.

Shit, you really
are high.

- Hmm.
- [laughs]

[chuckles]

The four noble truths.

You lost me there,
little--little friend.

Yeah, dukkha,

truth of suffering.

Not big on suffering.

Yeah, life is suffering.

We're born
just to die.

[whispers]
Buddha.

You're kinda
bumming me out.

Life's finite,
Frank.

No one lives forever.

We're just dust
waiting to return

to our mother...

[whispers]
The Earth.

Oh, nice cushions,
by the way.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Did all right.

Yeah, we did.

We did good.

[murmuring]

- [woman] Transfers.
- I want sushi.

Yeah?

Disneyland.

Anywhere.

[baby crying]

[woman]
It's a boy.

Did you know?

No--no, no.

[baby crying]

[woman]
Check Apgar.

[indistinct chatter]

[baby squealing]

Apgar is seven.

Seven, that's good,
right?

- [woman] That's good.
- That's good.

Hey, hey, it's a boy.

It's a boy.

Yeah?

Yeah, Tami, Tami,
you won't believe it.

He's so beautiful.

[baby crying]

What are you doing?

My friend Janis

said this is what you do
when a condom breaks.

Plan B, aisle two.
Monistat, aisle three.

Will there
be anything else?

Nope, just the sperm killer and
the pineapple Fanta, thanks.

Unless you have any
samples of Viagra.

[woman]
Five-minute Apgar is nine.

- Good work, Dad.
- [Lip] Thanks.

[Tami]
Lip?

Hey, hey.

He's doing great.

Lip?

Tami?

Everything okay?

[woman]
Weight 3.3 kilos.

[alarm blaring]

What--what's happening to her?

What's going on?

[Lewis]
Her BP is dropping.

- [Fowler] She's hemorrhaging.
- Tami.

[Fowler] Call surgery,
tell them we're coming up.

Tami?

Tami!

[woman] Sir,
please step back.

[woman] I'll go directly to
the lab to drop off the sample.

[woman]
Let's go.

[man] Make sure surgery has
O-neg on hand.

[man]
I'll let them know.

Hey, do I go
with her or...

No, no, you should stay here
with your son.

♪ hard rock music ♪

♪ Well, we got no choice ♪

[men whooping and cheering]

♪ All the girls and boys ♪

♪ Makin' all that noise ♪

[man]
Whoo-hoo!!

♪ 'Cause they found new toys ♪

♪ Well, we can't salute ya ♪

Hey, Daddy.

Uh, do you
wanna spank me?

I've been
a really bad boy.

[man over PA] Okay,
thank you, sexy Uncle Sam.

Our next is new.

He's hot. He's ripped.

He's the daddy you wish
you had growing up.

Get your milk ready because
here comes Captain Crunch!

[upbeat funk music playing]

[cheers and applause]

♪♪♪

♪ All my friends
know the lowrider ♪

[all cheering]

♪ The lowrider
is a little higher ♪

♪♪♪

[man wolf whistles]

♪♪♪

[man]
Love it!

[all cheering]

[all] Oh!

♪♪♪

♪ Lowrider
drives a little slower ♪

The hell, Frank?

I already got a new couch.

It's getting delivered
next week.

You cannot leave
your drug paraphernalia

laying around
for Franny to find.

Is that my apron?

[Frank]
Mikey doesn't like

to get kitchen smells
on his clothes.

What are you doing
on the floor?

Legs don't seem
to wanna work.

[door thumps]

[Veronica]
Whoa, there's something

you don't see every day.

Hey,
how you doin'?

[Debbie]
Who is this, Frank?

[Frank] Mikey O'Shea,
follower of Buddha,

seeker of
the five truths.

Four.

[Frank] Lover of dukkha
and my best friend.

Am I still taking
Franny tonight?

[Debbie]
Please.

I've got a deep-sea
welding class.

That's a thing?

[Debbie] Yeah, shipyards
and oil platforms

pay big dough for
underwater welders.

Come on,
beautiful girl.

Let's get you
and the twins some dinner.

[Debbie]
Love you too, pumpkin.

[Veronica] Joining us
for dinner tonight, Kwame?

Chitlins involved?

Cheese pizza okay?

Harriet Tubman
liked pizza?

That's the rumor.

Nice dashiki.

♪ Where did you come from? ♪

♪ It's not fair ♪

♪ sultry music ♪

♪ Trying, tryna
keep my cool ♪

♪ Trying not to act a fool ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I got my eyes on you ♪

♪ Go ahead
and make your move ♪

♪ My eyes on you ♪

♪ My eyes on you ♪

♪♪♪

[Lip] Hey, everybody,
it's a boy.

[Cami gasps]
Oh my!

And Tami?

Um, yeah, she, uh--she needed
an emergency C-section.

Um, there were
some complications, bleeding.

She's--she's still in the OR.

Shit.

But she's gonna
be okay, right?

I don't--I don't know.
I don't know.

I mean, they
wouldn't tell me anything else.

Well, go find
the fuck out.

[Bob] Okay, okay,
she's in surgery, Cami.

They'll let us know
how she is

as soon as they have
something to tell us.

Mr. Tamietti?

[Bob]
Yes.

Oh, sorry, you know, I think,
uh, she actually means me.

Uh, I'll come back as soon
as I know anything, all right?

[exhales]

[laughs]

You up for going one more time
before we head in?

I could really
use a bed.

I kind of threw
my back out.

That, and I need
to ice my balls.

Maybe we could do it
in the shower and then

- [cell phone plays "Reveille"]
- maybe up on the roof.

Debbie?

[Carl] No, Lip.
Tami had the baby.

That's great.

Yeah, but she's
in trouble.

What?

Something went wrong.

[faint cheering]

Yeah, baby.

[Sam] Hey, looks like the boys
love the new daddy, huh?

[laughs]

Did somebody
punch your tit?

No, hickeys.

One of the software engineers
from Google

likes to pretend
he's nursing.

Yeah, well,
you're lucky.

I had a guy who wanted me
to change his diaper.

- Oh.
- [cell phone chimes]

[love song
playing indistinctly]

[indistinct chatter]

[Debbie]
Good evening, Mauve.

Oh, welcome back.

Your usual?

Please.

[sighs]

You look fantastic.

Thank you.

I love your dress.

Herve Leger.

Wonderful.

- Thank you.
- [cell phone chimes]

[Lewis] Fold the bottom of the
blanket over baby's feet.

Then just tuck the point
into the top, okay?

♪ tender music ♪

Yeah, yeah.

Sit.

[baby cries]

[Lip] Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh.

Set him like this.

♪ You've been running ♪

Hey.

♪ Through my mind ♪

Hey.

♪ And you're taking ♪

Shh.

♪ Your sweet time ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't know
what you're looking for ♪

Shh, shh, shh.

[Veronica whispers]
Oh, my gosh.

[Lip]
Shh, shh, shh.

♪ So you just stop on by
from time to time ♪

♪♪♪

[Debbie whispers]
Boy or girl?

[Lip whispers]
Boy.

♪♪♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

Are you sure
it's yours?

♪♪♪

[Debbie]
Tami?

[Lip]
I don't know.

Still in surgery.

♪ From time to time ♪

♪ Honey, I ♪

♪ I ain't complaining ♪

It'll be okay.

♪ 'Cause sometimes ♪

♪ I enjoy your game ♪

[baby grunts]

[cell phone rings]

♪♪♪

[Lip whispers]
That's your uncle.

♪ So won't you stop on by
from time to time? ♪

[Debbie]
It's a boy.

No, Ian
doesn't know yet.

♪ You said come by ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪♪♪

♪ But I'll be all right ♪

♪ energetic rock music ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- [man] Oh!
- [man] Buddy!

[overlapping chatter]

Hey, guys, I'm open.
I'm open.

Hey, the ball, ball,
ball, ball, ball!

- Come on, man!
- [man] No, no, no, no!

[overlapping chatter]

[man] Oh!

[laughs]

[overlapping chatter]

[man]
Back to the retirement home!

♪♪♪