Shameless (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - Mo White! - full transcript

[panting]

Ah, for shit's sake, you again?

Really, you forgot what
happened on

last week's episode?
It was seven days ago.

Drop the drink and get yourself
to a fucking meeting,

you loser.

I'm busting my ass to get you
out of this shit hole.

My work here's not done.

I-I need a few more days.

[Fiona] You don't think
I should bail him out?

[Ford] If he skips town,
you lose all your money.

Could be put to better use.

- How?
- I don't know.

Invest in another
apartment building.

Buy a café, yoga studio.

Why don't you come stay with me
for a couple of days?

That'd be cool.

[Brad] You spend all your
time hanging out with that

10-year-old girl.

She doesn't have anybody else.

Call DCFS, bro.

Shit ain't your problem.

[Debbie] Eighteen dollars?
I make fifteen.

[Jacob] Well, you're a girl.
Way of the world, Jugs

[Kev] V, why they got
so much energy now?

Go get it.

[Veronica] So well-behaved.

[Kev] Pre-school.

What are your plans for after
graduation, Corporal?

Sir?

Cadet lieutenants have
traditionally gone on

to service academies.

West Point?

Get a congressman
or senator's recommendation.

You really think I could, Sir?

There's an epidemic
at our school.

[Dr. Rosenbaum] Four people
have tested positive

for virulent strains
of multiple STDs.

- I slept with Frank.
- So did I.

- [woman] I slept with Frank.
- [woman] Frank.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were beaming
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were willing
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

Good morning,
my day-drinking brethren.

- How's everyone this morning?
- We were good.

You smell like actual shit,
Frank.

Uh, rye whiskey, V.
Leave the bottle.

Can't pay with cans, Frank.

Why not? There's gotta be
20 bucks in there.

[Veronica]
And that's our recycling.

I just put those out.

Right, and now
I'm recycling them.

No.

Uh, run a tab?
For old times' sake?

[laughing]

Oh, damn, I just peed
myself a little.

Guys, can you spot me?

We fucking hate you, Frank.

V.

Can I have the keg tray?
At least let me drink that.

You wanna slurp warm, day-old
beer runoff from a keg tray?

Wow, lowering the bar, Frank.

- Disgusting, Frank.
- Every day.

When options are few,
the wise man adapts.

Fine. One pity beer.
One.

[Hughie] You tight on cash,
huh, Frank?

[Frank]
Tighter than a Mormon virgin.

I know how you can make
some quick dough,

if you're interested.

I don't do blowies anymore,
Hughie.

This lady's paying five bucks

for every "Ruiz for Congress"
sign you steal from a yard.

You bring the signs
over to the alley

behind Wyman's headquarters,
she gives you cash.

For stolen signs?
What's the catch?

Just get paid to steal.

All right, thanks.

[Lip] What's with the uniform,
GI Joe?

I thought you were off
for the summer.

Yeah, aren't you supposed
to be "at rest"?

At ease.
And there is no ease

for a soldier
who's West Point bound.

Debs, can you pass me the milk?

[Carl] Debs.

Eighty cents.

That's how much women make
on the dollar compared to men.

[Debbie] And if you're a woman
of color, 65 cents.

This is a sexist
shit nugget of a country.

- Don't you forget that.
- [Kev] Oh, Debs!

Thank God you're not working.
Hey, I need a favor.

I gotta take V to
this nursery school tour.

Can you watch the girls
for like an hour?

They can't come.
Thanks.

Why are you speaking to me?

- 'Cause you're Debbie.
- [Debbie] No.

Why are you speaking
to the only woman in the room,

Kevin Ball?

Why is childcare
a woman's job?

Let me tell you why.

Did you know that
the average American man

works about 17.5 hours a week
doing unpaid home labor?

Cooking, cleaning.
While women, however,

spend about 28.4 hours a week.

[Debbie] Now, considering the
fact that the average American

makes $26.82 an hour,
that's $40,000 a year

that women are not getting paid

to cook, clean,
and wipe baby asses.

- So you can't do it?
- [scoffs]

Come on, Franny, let's oppose
patriarchal oppression.

Yeah!

[sighs]

Lip, just an hour, man.
Please.

- [Lip] No.
- Just one hour.

I can't. I would. I gotta head
to a meeting before work.

- I'm sorry.
- Carl! My man.

Yeah, sorry, I got a parley
with a superior at 0900.

[Xan] I can do it.
I don't have school.

Amazing!
Thank you so much.

Here's their diaper bag.

Who are you, again?

This is Xan, she's staying
with us for a while.

Are you sure? I mean,
that's really nice of you.

- You're paying, right?
- Bless you, Xanadu.

- You're good? Sure?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- I gotta get going.

- [Lip] Yeah, me too.
- Yeah, Lip,

I'm already late for school.
Take me?

Yeah, I got you.

- [Xan] Oh, Hi!
- [overlapping chatter]

There you go, Bud.
Hey, Xan, text me, all right?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Mm.

[clears throat]

Hey.
You know Max Whitford?

The guy from the bus benches?

Yeah, he's the number one
commercial real estate agent

in Chicago.

So says bench boy.

He sold Miles that place
over on 26th street. Why?

I got a meeting with him today.

I'm gonna start looking
at commercial properties.

[Fiona] Ian's bail money is
burning a hole in my pocket,

so I'm gonna spend my equity
on buying another property.

Commercial real estate?

Yeah, you were the one
who told me to invest.

I meant maybe buy another
building, some apartments.

Those things are mini-malls.

And mini-malls
are out of my league?

Max Whitford's just gonna
try and fuck you, trust me.

Well, I can handle men
trying to fuck me.

I've been doing that
since I was nine.

[Ford] Commercial real estate
carries more risk.

[exhales deeply]

I did pretty great flipping
that laundromat.

I just don't think
it's for you.

Who's it for then?

It's for people who were
born on third base

and think they hit a triple.

Oh, so I have to be an
un-fuckable trust fund baby

to get anywhere in life,
that's what you're saying?

You know what?
Forget it.

Don't worry about it.

I turned a profit on not one,
but two properties.

I know you did.

- And you'll do great.
- Mm-hmm.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

So what are you guys in for?

Stole a first grader's
Black Amex.

Didn't share
my breakfast sushi.

Cool.

Liam, come in, please.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[sighs]

Are you familiar
with the saying

?
"sins of the father?

Think I've heard it at home.

Your father made a lot
of Hopkins parents very...

unhappy,
and where there's unhappiness,

there's often anger
and retribution.

The Committee for Diversity
and Advancement

who fund your scholarship,
they have made some demands

and, well,

we've loved having you here,
son.

Why are you speaking
in past tense?

We see this as
an opportunity for you.

With the step up that
we have given you,

you can soar now, little bird.

I'm getting kicked out?

Yeah.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Are you lost, honey?

Cadet Lieutenant
Carl Gallagher.

I'm here to see
Congressman Ubberman, ma'am.

Why?

I seek the honor of his
recommendation for West Point.

Are you a constituent?

Ma'am?

You live around here?

Okay, sweetheart,
I'll tell you how this works.

First, you set up
an appointment,

and the first avail we have
is in nine weeks.

And you come back with your
transcripts and your vitae--

My what?

Your athletic and your
academic achievements.

You know, publications, awards,

and your exceptional record

of your volunteer work
in this community.

Volunteer work?

You have to work for free
to get into West Point?

Thought you just had to wanna
kill some towel heads.

The 100 hours of community
service I did

after juvie count?

Court-ordered?

No.
[clears throat]

Here is a list of our

accredited volunteer
organizations.

Maybe start there.

Any of them pay?

When we speak of marriage,
what do we speak of?

Well, you could
turn to the Bible,

see what they have to say.

We could try Ephesians 5:25.

"For a man shall love his wife

the way Christ
loved the church.

He gave up his life for her."

But that's not very
applicable to us, is it?

Well, when I see these

beautiful couples
standing before me today,

living under the terms of our
newly-negotiated deal,

one of mutual consent
and reduced aggression,

I see a true union, a union
that defies categorization.

So, Bob and Hobart,

Sameer and EJ,

Gary and Turkish,

do you come to
this courtyard today

purely to exchange vows?

[all] I do.

Let's start with you,
Bob and Hobart.

[guard] Gallagher.

You made bail.

- What?
- You're out of here.

[Ian] No, there's been
a mistake, all right?

I'm in the middle of vows.
My work here is not done.

- I am not leaving.
- Move it, come on, come on.

- No.
- Don't touch Father Gallagher!

[Hobart] We protect him.

Let him finish!

I don't wanna go!

So wait, are they
married or not?

Say they're married, Gallagher.

By the power vested in me

and the great
state of Illinois...

- [door slams]
- [man] Crazy.

[girls screeching, barking]

Girls are still doing that
screechy dog thing, huh?

- [chuckles]
- [girls] Whee.

Look, Zehra,
it's Gemma and Amy.

Oh, I think she's still
a little afraid of them.

[Reshma]
You their new sitter?

Yeah.

[Reshma] Yeah, baby,
we can do the slide.

Nice to meet you.

[girls screeching]

[Reshma] What're you doing
with my wallet?

Are you stealing from me?

Uh, n--no.

Hey! Give me my wallet back!

♪♪ upbeat pop music ♪♪

What the hell are you doing?
You can't just leave

the girls here.

♪♪ I love my leather
more than ever before ♪♪

♪♪ I picked it up off
some beauty queen's floor ♪♪

[man] What do you think
you're doing?

[Frank] No, these are,
uh, defective.

The signs are defective, and,
uh, they've ordered a recall,

the FDA.
The ink

was, um, choking hazard,

so they're going to
be returned.

[man]
That's my sign, asshole!

No, I--I'm gonna
bring them back.

- [man] Yeah, sure, you will.
- I'll return them.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

So, how old are
your princesses?

Uh, four years old.

Well, our program
has thrice been awarded

the Stamp of Excellence by
Good Parenting magazine.

Follow me this way.

[Kev] Holy shit,
are those bunnies real?

Oui, oui.

Each child gets his or her own
bunny at Beaucoup.

We try to surround the children
with soft textures,

like in the womb.

Oh. Wombs are soft.

[Clover] [clears throat]

[Clover]
[speaking Mandarin]

Very good, Clover.

I think you are
a future surgeon too.

I'm proud of you.
[chuckles]

[sighs]

Mandarin Immersion today.

So what do you think?

This is where I wanna go
when I die.

[Gayle]
Here is our applications packet

with beaucoup info
about Beaucoup.

What's this, uh,
number here?

Is that a year in the future?

No, that's our tuition.

- For a year?
- For the month.

For a month?

Uh, that's three times
our mortgage.

Oh, dear.
Yes, these numbers can seem

a little bit high,

but it's
pretty standard in Chicago.

Are there scholarships?

Not at Beaucoup.

[Gayle] Why don't
I recommend you somewhere

that's a little more
budget-friendly.

Okay?

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hello, everyone!
My name is Debbie Gallagher,

and I am a proud welder
with a vagina,

and I will stand for
the wage gap no longer.

I am here to look for strong,
independent women

who will stand up with me
and say no.

We need equal pay.

We need to unite, ladies.

We need to stick together,
ladies.

We...

Uh, excuse me, sir, where are
all the female employees?

Buying pantsuits.

- [man] At the women's march.
- [man] Sewing pussy hats.

[man] Leanin' in!

[man] I wish they'd lean over.

Nice, nice, misogynistic dick.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Jason]
All right, um,

so my name's Jason,

and... I'm an alcoholic
and an addict.

- Hey, Jason.
- Hi, Jason.

[Jason] Sorry for having
a kid with me.

I didn't have anywhere else
to take her.

Her mom got busted
six days ago.

And I keep trying to take her
to a shelter,

but shelters don't let men
with babies in,

so,

a lot of hard nights
in the car.

Uh, I was sober four days
last week.

Blew it two days ago.
Blacked out.

Woke up to her screaming.

What I really want
is a fucking hit.

But I came here, so...

[man] Thanks for sharing,
Jason.

Anyone else?

Okay,
that's our time for today.

- [clears throat]
- All right, see ya.

[clears throat]

Wanna hit Patsy's
for pie before work?

It's kind of early
for pie, no?

It's never too early.

Besides,
they have breakfast pie.

- It's called "apple."
- [scoffs]

Hey, uh, thanks for your share,
man.

Was it okay?

I--I mean, it's weird telling
everybody your shit.

Yeah, no, you did good.
Just, uh, keep coming back.

Hey, actually,
can I ask you something?

Uh, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know how this is
supposed to go. I--

Feels like I'm asking you out
on a date or something.

I need a sponsor.

Wondering if you--

you'd be up to sponsoring me.

Me?

No, man, I'm--I'm the last guy
you'd want to sponsor you.

But, uh,

you know, maybe ask Marshall.

[Jason]
The guy with the walker?

[Lip] Yeah.

[snickers] I need somebody
born after 1990.

I mean, these people are
all fucking dinosaurs.

No offense.

None taken, shithead.

[Jason] I feel like I could
talk to you.

Yeah, let me think about it,
all right?

What?

[Brad]
Let me think about it?

It's unity, service,
and recovery, man.

Service.
That guy needs you.

I got enough people
that need me.

[scoffs]
Boo-hoo-hoo.

You're loved and in demand.

[cell phone buzzes]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yeah.

Shit, okay.
Yeah, I'll be right there.

All right.
Yeah, I'll catch you later!

[Charmaine] So Congressman
Ubberman's office

sent you over?
Where's that form?

Oh.
[chuckles]

Couple of routine questions.

Why do you wanna be a mentor?

I don't.

Then, why are you here?

I have to volunteer somewhere.

What academic subjects could
you tutor your mentee in?

None.

Special skills?

Steady hand with a knife,
ma'am.

Like to cut things
and watch 'em bleed.

I think I might know
a place for you,

and... [chuckles]
I guarantee you

they are in desperate need
of volunteers.

Here.

Soothing Horizon?

Sounds like a nail salon.

It's not.

Hi, I'm here, but I'm not here.
I'm super late.

- I just need shoes.
- Okay.

[footsteps thump]

[TV playing indistinctly]

[Fiona] Hey, whose shit
is this in my closet?

Mine.

What'd you do
with that box of shoes?

I need those red heels
for my meeting.

[Fiona] [scoffs]

Oh, yeah, Gallaghers,
that's great,

just ram 'em under the stairs
under some wet, moldy towels.

Thank you very much.

Why aren't you in school?

I got expelled.

Why?

Frank.

What did he do?

[Liam] All the moms.

He gave them venereal diseases.

And they kicked you out?

[TV continues indistinctly]

Get in my car now.
Come on.

- [Liam] Ugh, okay.
- [Fiona] Come on.

♪♪ jazzy music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ What makes a man?
What breaks a man? ♪♪

♪♪ Tell me what to do... ♪♪

- Oh.
- Hey.

Sorry, just surprised.

We don't see a lot of your type
collecting signs.

How many you got there?

Twenty-two.

Nice gig you got here,
fencing signs.

[chuckles]
I'm the campaign manager.

Jesus.

How do I become
a campaign manager?

Hard to break in.
Lot of hustle.

Took me a decade of policy law,
and an MBA from Yale.

Here you go.

One ten, plus an extra ten
bucks for your discretion.

I could be a lot
more discreet for 20.

It's the going rate for
nondisclosure

on the South Side.

Okay.
Here.

Thanks again.

Well, wait, what blocks
still have signs?

I could have another 50
by end of business.

Oh, we'd rather give the work
to the diversity hires.

You understand.

[Bailey]
Vote Wyman!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Yo, Kev, I'm so sorry, man.
Hey, you girls all right?

They're all right.

Hi, hey, ma'am.

Are you the one responsible
for that little hood rat

who stole my wallet?

Yeah, look,
I--I'm so sorry about that.

Um, how much did she take?
I--I can pay you back.

She took
the whole damn wallet.

Eighty bucks, my ID,
my credit cards.

Okay, all right,
we can take care of that.

Uh, here you go, there's 80,
and, uh, I'll find it for you.

I'll get it back to you,
all right?

I promise.
Um...

Hey, did you see which way
the--the girl went or...

Not my problem.
Tell that girl

if I see her in the park again,
I'm calling the cops.

What about Briar Lane Academy?

- Mm, where's that one?
- Skokie.

How're you gonna get up there
every day?

Those schools are for kids
with nannies and drivers.

You gotta find a school
way closer to home.

Or just go to Dyett.

[Liam]
I can't go to public school.

- Why not?
- Hopkins made me soft.

I have manners now.
I eat paté.

I put apricot oil
on my cuticles.

Well, there's three weeks
of school left,

- and you gotta go somewhere.
- [cell phone chimes]

Max Whitford says
he's gonna be late.

Classic power move.

Can't we just see if
Briar Lane Academy has a spot?

Maybe they provide
transportation?

[Fiona] Fine, here,
put the number in.

[line rings]

[woman] Admissions.

Hi, there, I was calling to see

whether you might have room
in your--

[woman]
Ethnicity of the student?

Black.

[woman]
Sorry, we already have one.

[Fiona]
One what?

[woman] Black student.
Thanks for calling.

[hangs up]

[sighs]
Sorry.

I'll take you over
to public school tomorrow.

But today I have to impress
this Whitford guy.

Real estate agents always
have something better

than whatever it is
they're showing you.

You just have to convince them
that you deserve to see it.

He's also got fiduciary duty.

We covered that in Ethics.
And if you wanna impress him,

use the word "artisanal" a lot.

It's how fancy people say good.

Artisanal cheese.
Artisanal soap.

Wow, where did you learn
all this?

Artisanal private school.

Artisanal.

♪♪ upbeat music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Diego] Can I help you, sir?

Yeah, I--I need to speak
to the campaign manager.

It's a--it's
a matter of some urgency.

He's at a fundraiser, but I'm
the operations manager, Diego.

All right,
Operations Manager Diego,

are you aware there are
two whole city blocks

with no Ruiz signs on them?

Oh, I know, it's a problem.

Crooked Eleanor Wyman
pays the homeless to do it.

- I mean, it's deplorable.
- It's despicable.

She's evil.

Well, luckily, I have, uh, some
experience in erecting signs.

Maybe I could go around
and replace them for you.

- What do you guys pay?
- Five bucks a sign.

But, um, we try to hire
local people.

Hey, I'm as local as they come.
South Side, born and bred.

Uh, local Hispanic people.
[chuckles]

I am Hispanic.
Frank Rodriguez.

- Rodriguez?
- Yeah.

My dad was, uh, Irish,
but, uh,

mamacita was Mexican.

I'm a big, fat chimichanga.

Hey, I'm gonna
take 22 of these.

Do you guys pay in advance?

You're gonna have to meet us at
the debate afterwards

to get paid.
That's where Alejandro,

the campaign manager, is.

All righty, then.

Got it.

- Go Wyman!
- You mean Ruiz.

What?

Go Ruiz.

Right.
Arriba, arriba.

[chuckles]

[Geneva]
[voice echoing] Ian.

Ian, oh, my God.

[giggles]

Oh, my God.
[laughs]

Oh, my God, can you believe it?

We raised every dime ourselves.

- We?
- Your disciples.

We crowdsourced your bail
to get you out.

I wasn't really done in there,
though.

Those guys need me.

Oh, my God, so much exciting
stuff has happened.

We have sponsorship now.

We're in 45 states,
1 mil strong on Insta.

We're getting some of those
conversion facilities

closed down.
Got money

and pro bono lawyers
working on it.

Got you a defense attorney.
[exhales deeply]

Okay, I'm sorry,
I'm talking so fast.

I'm just...

I'm really happy to see you.

You ready to face your public?

Come on.

Come on!

They've been waiting for hours.

Here he is.
Gay Jesus!

[uproarious cheering]

My name is Debbie Gallagher and
I am a welder with a vagina,

and I am here to stand up
to patriarchy!

I am looking for any and all
female employees...

- [man] Show us your pussy!
- To stand up with me,

and say no!

We need to stick
together, ladies.

- [man] Sup, double Ds?
- We will not be silent!

Ow, you fucking dickhead.
You almost hit my kid.

'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, yo,
lady, you gotta go.

- You distracting my men.
- They're a bunch of pig fucks.

[man] We see boobs!

I am not leaving
until I get to speak

to one of your
female employees.

There aren't any.

You don't have
one female employee?

No.

So get your smelly cunt
out of here.

[man] [guffaws]

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Yeah, well, I just think
it's a little tacky

to be doing business
at a funeral, David.

[Max] All right, well,
you can tell him to come back

with 740 firm
or he can go fuck himself.

Right.

Sorry about that,
I'm just slammed today.

What can I say?
Abundance, it's a real thing.

So, what do you think?

It's got good bones, but I'm
really looking for

something more upscale.
More, uh, artisanal.

[Max] Uh, I see.
[chuckles]

I think we know
someone in common.

Ford Kellogg?

Uh--oh, God, the Irish guy?

You're friends with him?

Oh, no, not really.

I just know him a little
from around.

Yeah, my boy Tobey hired him
on a remodel.

Nightmare.
That joker

took six months longer
than he said he would.

Charged three times more,
and threw a temper tantrum

about taking out
some fucking wainscoting.

Anyway, need a wood guy,
just call me.

Okay, I appreciate that.

So it's, uh, 540 firm,

and I've got another offer
on the table, so...

What do you think the rental
increase per square foot

is gonna be year to year,
with gentrification?

At least 20%.
Maybe more.

Really?
Huh.

Aren't things
actually leveling off,

down a few percentage points
last quarter?

[Fiona] CBD heading towards
an equilibrium?

Sorry to interrupt.

Fiona, gotta get you to your
next closing by 1:00.

[giggles]
Who's this little guy?

[Fiona]
This is my intern, Liam.

He's a prodigy.
Anyway,

nice to meet you,
Mr....?

Whitford.

Here.

Hey, you know what?

You seem savvy.

Why don't you let me show you
something else?

I got another property just off
Malcolm X, not even listed yet.

What do you say,
can you push your 1:00?

♪♪ smooth funk music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Okay, just this once.

Fantastic.
I'll text you the address.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- [man] Look who's back!
- I'm bringing 'em back.

[man] What the hell
are you doing now?

I'm bringing 'em back, asshole,
just like I said I would.

See?
I'm bringing 'em.

[Frank] Here they are.

[man] I didn't ask
for that sign!

[Frank] Brand new, see?

They were defective.

[man] I don't want
any more signs!

It was defective.

What are you, an idiot?
Jesus.

[man] Who you calling
an idiot?

[bell rings]

[dogs squealing, barking]

Can I help you?

Yeah, heard you guys might be
in need of some volunteers.

You wanna volunteer?
Here?

Yes, sir. I'm in need of some
documented community service.

Trying to get into West Point.

Well, great.
Military boy, huh?

Yeah, strong stomach.
Perfect.

How much can you bench, son?
'Cause these sons of bitches

can get heavy.

Uh, what is it exactly
you guys are doing here?

Well, come on back,
I'll show you.

[dogs whining]

[dog panting]

Got a, uh, 15-year-old
Rottweiler in there

and a pair of
16-year-old Mastiffs.

Should be done in a second.

Done?

Yeah. Only takes three
or four minutes,

if you get the, uh, hose
on the tailpipe right.

[engine humming]

You're killing dogs?

Yeah. That's the service
we offer the community, son.

Euthanasia for elderly,
and, uh, terminally ill dogs.

I'm a retired vet.

Had my own practice
for, uh, 38 years.

And I got sick of seeing these
poor people around here

shooting their own dogs in the
street when they got old,

toss 'em in dumpsters
and drop 'em off the bridge

with a--with a cinderblock
tied to their paw.

And all because they
couldn't afford the $150

to put 'em down at the vet's.

Well, now they can call
Soothing Horizon.

We pick 'em up, bring 'em here,
and let 'em go peaceful.

In a gas chamber?

Yep.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Uh...

Banjo and Lucky are dead.

[dog whimpers, thumps]

Skippy too.
Come on, grab a leg.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Did you see his face

when I called out
his 20% lie?

He was like,
"Ah, damn!"

God, we crushed it back there.

Did you find
another private school?

No, but there are
57 private schools in Chicago.

One must need a token.

And stop fidgeting
with your hair.

It reads weak.

♪♪ foreboding rock music ♪♪

[Ruiz] Two hundred grand...

Campaign Manager Alejan--

[Ruiz] Speaking engagement at
the Black Corporate Officers

of America Conference.
And where did my opponent...

- [Ruiz]...put that money?
- Are you Alejandro?

Right in her pocket.

[Wyman] If by "pocket" Isaac
Ruiz means my campaign...

- [Wyman]...then yes...
- Alejandro?

- No.
- [Wyman]...I am guilty.

Guilty of trying to represent
my constituents

by staying in office.

And Isaac Ruiz is one to talk.
He's a Republican businessman.

Took a $500,000 donation
from the Mexican Youth

Soccer Organization and then
announced massive plans

to turn our baseball fields
into turf soccer fields.

Hey, what--what's
going on here?

[man] It's the
Ruiz/Wyman debate.

They are the congressional
candidates from this district.

Congress, huh?

...to turn this
condemned eyesore

into an LGBTQ Latino Center
of South Side.

[cheers and applause]

[Ruiz] What about
the hardworking

African-American citizens

who want a Martin Luther King
African Art Center

in that brewery?

Hey, um...

you Alejandro?

Uh, yes.
Uh, sir, uh, sorry.

- Contributions are over there.
- No, no, no.

I--I wanna get paid.
I, uh--I put up signs.

A hundred and ten dollars.

So, uh...
[clears throat]

You must be
Frank Rodriguez?

In the flesh.

Thank you, mi amigo.

[cheers and applause]

Here at Basic we have
?
a strict no nothing" policy.

No acting up, no crying,
and no snitching.

What happens at Basic
stays at Basic.

[woman] That toilet's not gonna
clean itself, little missy.

Get down in there.

[Rita] Come on, keep coming.

Through here.

♪♪ downtrodden rock music ♪♪

This is our infant area.

And out here is
where we hold our older kids.

We call it
the Imagination Area.

[truck honks]

Where are the toys?

Bunnies?

See, that's just it.
You use your imagination.

You imagine toys.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Max] So...
[clears throat]

- Doesn't look like much.
- Yet.

But this is
a killer opportunity.

Trust me, everything
on this block

is gonna quadruple in value
in the next five years.

You could put in a cold slab
ice cream store there.

A yoga studio.
Pilates.

Sky's the limit.

Why quadruple?

There's a new project coming
in down the street.

Not announced yet.

The nursing home rumor is true?

Yeah.

We're putting in another Sunset
Brook Senior Care Center.

[Fiona] Wow.

[Max] Nobody wants to change
parental diapers.

It's sad, right?

Lack of gratitude
for our most vulnerable.

Anyways, there's a Whole Foods
coming in down the street.

Serving this up to you
in a silver platter.

Any way to get in
on the Sunset Brook deal?

[chuckles] No, no, I'm sorry.
I'm way oversubscribed

on that as it is.
I mean, I had to fight

to get my own money into it.

But this is the opportunity
right here.

So, interested?

In Sunset Brook I am.

Listen, I gotta get to a drinks
thing at Fig & Cherry,

but if either of the properties
I showed you interest you,

just give me a call.

Unless you wanna come along
for drinks.

Drinks could turn into dinner,
it could turn into...

maybe more.

You should really let me in
on this Sunset Brook deal.

I got cash in hand.
I know the neighborhood.

Drinks?
Yay, nay?

I think I already have a thing,
don't I?

Dinner with investors.

We needed to leave
five minutes ago.

[Fiona]
Well, nice to meet you.

Absolutely,
let's stay in touch.

I'll see you, Lance.
Stay fresh.

[Liam]
What a douchebag.

[Fiona] Beyond.

[engine starts,
rap music plays on stereo]

[car honks]

[Lip] Hey!

Hey.

Xan, stop!

Xan.

Xan.

Come here.
Come here.

- You stop trying to hit me.
- Get off of me.

I'm not going back
to DCFS.

What are you talking--
[grunts]

Fuck!

Would you stop?

I didn't call DCFS, dumbass.
I'm on your side.

Jesus Christ.

The hell's going on with you?

Can't leave toddlers
in the park, Xan.

The lady was gonna
call the cops on me.

Yeah, well, why were you
stealing from her?

I would've given you the money.

What'd you need
the money for anyway?

My mom.

Your mom's around?

No, but she has a P.O. box

at the mailbox place
around the corner.

That's where she gets
her SNAP benefits,

so I try to leave a little
money in there for her when I can.

You can't be doing that shit,
all right?

All right, my mom, she was
always disappearing, okay?

Always asking me for money,
but you can't do it.

She doesn't ask me.

♪♪ gentle guitar music ♪♪

Okay.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Listen, I'm gonna put some
money in your mom's P.O. box,

all right?

But you cannot do this again.

M'kay.

All right.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[exhales deeply]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Where's that lady's wallet,
huh?

She's pissed as shit.

In a dumpster on Ellis.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- Where are you going?
- Dumpster diving.

Coming?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Frances]
And then the puppy said,

"Let's be friends, Kitty."

And Kitty felt afraid,

because cats are
supposed to be scared of dogs.

But Kitty decided to be brave

because dogs and cats
can be best friends.

[applause]

- Great puppet show, Sister.
- [Frances] Thank you.

The children help make the
puppets out of donated clothes

- and milk cartons.
- [Kev] Mm!

Teaches creativity
and recycling.

Mm! Let's cut to the chase,
Sister.

How much?

Well, we try to keep
tuition affordable,

so we only charge $150 a week,

but we do need
your child to be baptized.

Is your little one baptized?

- 100%.
- Baptized.

Dunked in the water.
We're very religious.

We pray every night
and we put those dirty crosses

on our faces.

He means on Ash Wednesday.

[Kev]
Sometimes Thursdays too.

We are down with the Christ.

Then the one spot we have open
is all yours,

Mr. and Mrs. Ball.

Sorry, did you say one spot?

[Frances]
Yes, you're in luck.

Little Emily-Jo joined her
parents on their Sudan mission.

♪♪ upbeat rock music ♪♪

[cheering,
overlapping chatter]

[man] Ian, we love you!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[indistinct shouting]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Are you okay?

Yeah.
Just used to being in lock up.

[chuckles]
Right.

- Who are all these people?
- They're the movement.

This is Jo, Beth,
Sara, Monte, and Kimby,

our Senior Council.

Let's get you to
the conference room.

We told them only
one selfie per person.

- Selfies?
- Our donors.

If you give 1K or more, you get
a step and repeat

- with Gay Jesus.
- Wait. Geneva, donors?

[Geneva] For your bail.

It's exciting, isn't it?
How much we've grown.

Because of you,
thanks to you.

Oh, give 'em the index cards.

[Geneva] Monte wrote
a statement for you.

He used to work in publicity
for Leo Burnett.

"My harrowing
and abusive time in jail"?

Good, right?

Prison was inspiring.

Well, just emphasize your
oppression as a gay man

and the daily violence
you endured.

What is this?

Oh, that's all the van
torchings we've done.

We're doing more tomorrow
in your honor.

Why?

It's become a symbol of freeing
kids from oppression.

Oh. [chuckles]
We got you this to wear.

[exhales deeply] It'll make a
great picture for the website.

- Am I allowed to take a piss?
- Sure, yeah, of course.

It--it's around the corner,
just make it quick.

Press conference starts in ten.

[door slams]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Watch us disappear ♪♪

♪♪ Back into the ether ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

One point seven million.

You hear that?

And the Sunset Brook up in
Evanston sold two years

after initial acquisition
with a $2 million profit.

That piece of shit
is sitting on a golden egg,

and he's trying to unload
that dump on me

that hasn't been renovated
since the '80s

and has been on the market
since--I--when, Liam?

February. Asking price went
down on Looper yesterday.

- Unbelievable.
- 'Cause he's a dick.

[Ford] I told you that.

The nursing home offering
is still online.

It says there's five
partnership spots left.

♪♪ funky music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Fiona]
Oh, he's a fucking liar.

He's putting the whole thing
together and he wrote me off

as dollar store trash?

'Cause he's a dick.
I told you that.

Can you stop reminding me
that you were right?

He try to sleep
with you as well?

Yes, he tried to sleep with me.

No, he didn't take me
seriously.

And yes,
you were completely right.

And he's not gonna get away
with it.

Sunset Brook is
coming to my neighborhood.

It's coming to my backyard.
It's gonna print money.

[Fiona] And I want in.
Come on, Liam.

Where are we going?

To take what's ours.

[dogs barking in the distance]

Don't worry, Sergeant,
he won't feel any pain.

The injection doesn't hurt.

And he'll be buried in a grassy
field down by the lake.

[Jordan] That's a great
comfort to me.

Thank you.
I love Biscuit.

[Ralph] Of course you do.
And he loves you.

When you're ready,
we'll begin.

Put the music on.

[Ralph]
And, uh, toss some rose pedals.

Not all of them.

Save some for the others.

[gentle choral music
playing on stereo]

There's my boy.
There's my good boy.

God, he's a service dog?

Yep, General Biscuit's been
with me since Afghanistan.

I lost an eye.

I gained a best friend.

[sniffles,
pats Biscuit]

Thick and thin, eh, buddy?

♪♪ Lord be with you ♪♪

♪♪ Till we meet again ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[rock music
playing on stereo]

Over there, all right?
Yo.

So where the hell was she?

Oh, it's a long story.
Sorry I'm so late.

I'll work tonight,
make up for it.

Don't worry about it.

[Lip] Hey, could you, uh,
toss me the torque wrench?

Yeah.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Thanks.

What's up?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I wanna tell you something.
As a friend.

Are you coming out to me, man?

You should sponsor
that guy with the baby.

[chuckles]
Fuck.

It's the next stage in your
sobriety, you're ready.

[exhales deeply]

What am I supposed to say
to that guy, Brad, huh?

"You can do it"?

- I can barely do it myself.
- Then so say that to him.

Look, you've already been
a sponsor without knowing it.

Look what you did for Youens,
and for me.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I got enough shit to be
stressed about, all right?

Lip.

Helping another AA member is
a hell of a lot better

for your sobriety than chasing
after a kid who's not yours.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Gallaghers don't sponsor.
We get sponsored.

It's in our DNA.

Well, maybe you're
more than your DNA.

At least I think you are.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I gotta take a leak.
You take 'em in there

and, uh, give 'em some treats

and, uh, make 'em feel real
comfy and then get started.

Uh, you know,
maybe we could wait a second.

Wait for what?

I mean, let 'em die naturally.
They're practically dead.

Plus Biscuit's a vet.
Deserves better.

I couldn't agree with you more,
son,

but I'm a not-for-profit.

I get 20, 25 dogs
through here a week.

That's a lot of dog food,
doggy diapers, medications.

Some of them need a senior
diet, and that's twice as much.

So, uh, get started.
Chop chop.

- [knocking on door]
- [Debbie] It's open!

I'll be right down, Farhad.

[Alex] Hello?
Looking for Debbie Gallagher.

What the fuck
are you doing here?

[Alex] Can I talk
to you a minute?

No. How did you find me?

You told everyone in Chicago
your name is Debbie Gallagher

and you're a welder
with a vagina.

- [Alex] Not hard to find.
- What do you want?

- I'm gonna be late.
- I lied to you this morning.

There is another woman
on my site.

Who?

Me.

[chuckles]
You're a woman?

I don't wanna get paid
1/3 of what the dudes make.

It's bullshit.

[Alex] My last job I was
the best electrician on site.

Foreman paid me 1/3
of what the guys got.

Now, I got a good gig,

but you saw how Neanderthal
them jokers can be.

I'm in the lion's den.

I had to pull
a Boys Don't Cry.

Wow. That's hardcore.

You can't tell. My foreman's
a piece of dog shit.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Oh, sorry, I don't mean
stare at you.

You just really look
like a dude.

Yeah, yeah, I--I know.
[chuckles]

Ah, shit, I gotta go.
I'm gonna be late for work.

Yeah.
Um...

[Alex]
what time do you get off?

Maybe you wanna
grab a beer later,

topple the patriarchy?

Hell yeah.
I'm off at 9:00.

All right, then, it's a...
it's a date.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[overlapping chatter]

[Max]...Because I don't know
if anybody's

gonna be there to pick me up.

You still got five limited
partnerships available

on that Sunset Brook lot.

[Fiona]
So what the hell, Whitford?

Do you think
I'm not smart enough?

Or you just like
making women feel like

they need to fuck you
to join an LLC?

Um...

This is Fiona Gallagher.
She's--she's very passionate

about real estate.

I know the neighborhood.
I know the people.

I know the old people you're
gonna put in diapers.

I know the permits.
I know the people

that stamp the permits.

I know that block
like the back of my hand.

I got 50K in my pocket
and I want in.

You'd need 100 to play.

Then I got 100 in my pocket.

So what do you say?

Am I in?
Or am I out?

'Cause if I'm in,
I'll leave.

But if I'm not,

I'm gonna keep standing here.

And I'm gonna eat every one
of your goddamn breadsticks.

[dance music
playing on stereo]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Let me ask you fine gentlemen,

which of these congressional
candidates look like you?

That's a gay Latino man and
a semi-hot black woman, Frank.

Exactly. American men
used to control everything.

Look at a history book.
We used to be the leading men.

Now, we're marginalized.

I attended a congressional
debate this afternoon,

and you know
what I experienced?

Reverse racism.

It's all diverse gays
and vaginas now.

The tide is changing,
gentlemen,

and it's changing
too damn fast, am I right?

[overlapping chatter]

[Frank]
Give me a beer.

I'll tell you something else.

They're trying to take the Old
Blue Brewery away from us.

They wanna convert it into
an LTGB-E-I-E-I-O,

or a--a goddamn
African Art gallery?

So?

We need a candidate of our own,
boys.

A bright, shining
beacon of hope.

We need someone who will
promote and protect

our values.
Someone who'll make sure

our culture doesn't disappear.

Someone who sat on a barstool
and stared down the gun barrel

that is the working class
experience.

But who?

What about Mo White?

- He died.
- [Frank] He did? Are you sure?

He did--somebody check.
Did he die?

Uh, says here he's alive,
just retired.

Well, that's perfect.
Mo White is a genius idea.

He was a true American
congressman.

He loosened the liquor license
rules so that the Irish

would have some place to drink.

- ♪♪ patriotic music ♪♪
- He helped rebuild Comiskey.

He put in bocce
for our Italian brothers.

- A--and--and horse-shoe pits.
- That's right.

Didn't he keep
the Chris Columbus memorial

from being torn down?

[Frank] You bet your
ass he did.

Mo White is a friend
of the South Side.

We gotta find Mo White
and write White in.

[Frank] We need seed money
for his campaign.

Ten bucks.
I'll go first.

Give me that.
Ten bucks.

Everybody, ten bucks.
What do you say?

Come on, yeah.

The fundraising
starts right now.

The campaign pot
is coming around.

Hey, let's make Chicago
white again.

- [all] Yeah.
- [chuckles]

- Mo White, Mo White...
- [all chanting] Mo White...

♪♪ patriotic music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I got it.
Mo White, Mo White.

Yeah.
Mo White, Mo White, Mo White.

[dogs howl, whimper]

[door opens and closes]

[dogs barking]

[Carl] Yeah, I know this
isn't the Ritz-Carlton,

but the Gallagher basement
beats the murder van, guys.

I got you guys some water.

I'm gonna do a Petco run.
Any requests?

No? All right, well,
you guys just relax,

take all the time you need,
just die naturally.

All right?
Take care.

[dogs whining]

[dogs barking]

[grunts] Jesus Christ.
Ian.

- When'd you get out?
- Today.

Welcome home.
You look good.

Did you lean out in there?

So...

what'd I miss
around here?

You know,
same old, same old.

Well, I gotta go pick up
like 80 pounds of kibble.

You know, catch up later?

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, who's the girl on my bed?

Uh, that's Xan,
Lip's kid.

[door closes]

So...

you're both going
to nursery school

and you'll both have
on the exact same outfit,

but you can't ever be in the
same room at the same time.

Gemma, Daddy's gonna drop you
off at the back door.

And Amy, Mommy's gonna drop you
off at the front door.

[Veronica] And Amy,
if you're on the play ground

that means you, Gemma,

you gotta be in the classroom.

And Gemma, if you're in
the arts room,

then Amy, you're gonna
have to hide in your cubby.

And you're both named Amy now.

There is no Gemma.
Gemma doesn't exist anymore.

Only Amy.
And you're devout Catholics,

so cross yourselves a lot,
like this.

- [giggles]
- Good.

Okay.

This is going to be

a super fun secret family game,
right?

We love you Amy.
We love you, Fake Amy.

We love you, Fake Amy.

♪♪ solemn music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Lip]
Hey. How's it going, man?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I'm here.

Yeah.

[Lip] Hey.

Coming in?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[baby crying]

[Lip] Hey, man, I tell you what.
Why don't we go in together?

Huh?

Uh, I'll sponsor you.
Come on.

[baby crying]

Come on, sweetie, come on.
Come on, you're okay.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

We'll get some pie
after and talk.

I know a good place.

I don't eat pie.

Now you do.

- Can I help you?
- [Frank] Mo White?

Yeah.

Yeah, who are you?

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Sir, your country needs you.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Uh-huh?

[Fiona] All right,
pick your poison.

- Grape or punch?
- [Liam] Punch.

♪♪ The world ♪♪

♪♪ Passed it on
to somebody else ♪♪

We did it.

[laughs]

Gallagher finally
made it off first base.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Whoa ♪♪

♪♪ Oh ♪♪

♪♪ Taking bets
from Bangkok to France ♪♪

♪♪ Why sit down
when you wanna da-- ♪♪

[man] Hand.

Chest.

Cock.

And fire.

Chest.
And fire.

Chest.
And fire.

Chest.
Shoulder.

[plays "Taps" on trumpet]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Lip] What the fuck?
It's 5:00 in the morning,

Carl.

[Debbie] It's a goddamn dog,
Carl.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ rock music playing ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ We really had an attitude ♪♪

♪♪ Since we quit our jobs ♪♪

♪♪ How long
will the deal last? ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪