Shameless (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Weirdo Gallagher Vortex - full transcript

Fuck you guys want?

It's the recap shit.

What, you guys miss
last week's episode?

Eh, we should probably
show it to 'em.

I guess.

Go!

You want to volunteer?
Here?

Yes, sir.
In need of some documentation,

community service.
Trying to get into West Point.

Only takes three
or four minutes

if you get the, uh,
hose on the tailpipe right.

You're killing dogs?

All right, well,
you guys just relax.

Just die naturally.

Where are all
the female employees?

[men] At the woman's march!
[men] Selling pussy hats.

"Jugs"?

I lied to you this morning.

- There is a woman on my site.
- Who?

Me.

A-are they giving you
your meds in there?

I-I'm protecting
defenseless lambs from having

their emotional and physical
spirits slaughtered.

[phone clatters]

[guard] Gallagher!
You made bail.

Your disciples!

We crowdsourced your bail
to get you out.

Gay Jesus!

[cheering]

- Commercial real estate?
- Yeah,

you're the one
who told me to invest.

Max Whitford's just gonna try
and fuck you, trust me.

You seem savvy.
We're putting in

another Sunset Brooks
senior care center.

You'd need a hundred to play.

Then I got a hundred
in my pocket.

[pop]

We did it.

[laughs]

- I need a sponsor.
- Me?

Helping another AA member's

a hell of a lot better
for your sobriety

than chasing after a kid
who's not yours.

[sighs] Uh, I'll sponsor you.
Come on.

We someone who will promote
and protect our values!

What about Mo White?

Let's make Chicago White again!

[cheering]

Mo White?

Yeah. Who are you?

Your country needs you.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Uh-huh.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were beaming
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were willing
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

That'll show those
misogynistic motherfuckers.

[quietly] Fuck, yes!

[laughs] Only two dicks left.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I know you haven't had
much experience

around a dick.
It's more like this.

Ooh.
Hey.

- En garde!
- Ooh!

- Ooh! [laughs]
- [distant cheering]

[quietly] Shh, shh!

[both laugh]

[Alex] Yeah, we're gonna
get busted.

Okay, who's next?

Uh, this one.

Oh, hell, no.

Yo, yo,
Darryl fucking Feathers, man!

He was the foreman
at my last job.

Oh, shit.
This one gets two dicks.

[welders clank]

[dogs bark distantly]

Hey.

Hey.

[train horn blows distantly]

Um...

The fuck you doing?

Waiting.

- Waiting for what?
- Shim.

Good morning,
my indigenous South Siders!

Don't mind me.

Just showing our support

for a better tomorrow.

Huh?

Hi.

W-what's a "shim"?

Shim. God.

But God doesn't have a gender,
or maybe it's both genders,

so she, him--Shim.

Mother-father God.

And you're waiting
for Shim to...

Talk to me.

Tell me what to do next.

Does that happen a lot?

Used to all the time in jail,

but since I've been out,
nothing.

[Frank] That's because
it never happened.

Shim,

a higher power,
the great I Am, Great Spirit--

call it whatever you want--
but it ain't talking to you.

And we
weren't talking to you.

Enlightenment, or whatever
these new-fangled

hippy-dippy religions
are selling,

is a waste of time.

Gay Jesus, Taoism,

Scientology,
Christian Science,

Joel Osteen, Deepak Chopra--

It's like going
to one of those flaky schools

where the students create
their own curriculum,

then don't get graded on it.

Religion isn't a startup, Ian.

You want God to talk to you,

you gotta stick with
the classics: Buddhism,

Judaism, Christianity.

And if you break the rules,

you burn in hell
for all eternity.

And there's your enlightenment.

In the meantime,

I shall be saving
the South Side

from the endless caravan
of immigrants.

[Lip] All right.
You guys should get going, huh?

Come on.
You don't want to be late

for your first day.
of public school.

That's the one thing
they care about.

Oh, wait.

[Lip grunts]

Oh.

There.

Later.

Hey, buddy, Liam,
might want to lose the tie.

No?
Okay.

♪♪ pop/rock music ♪♪

We're making sandwiches
now, Pops?

You think that's weird?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ It ain't hard to see ♪♪

♪♪ What's going on with me ♪♪

♪♪ Got what I want ♪♪

♪♪ And a little bit
of what I need ♪♪

♪♪ Something smooth
so fine so sweet ♪♪

♪♪ Something good's
got ahold of me ♪♪

♪♪ Make it hard
for anyone to leave ♪♪

♪♪ When we gotta...♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Here you go, Miss Riley.

I can assure you,
there was no suffering.

Bless you, sweet boy.

Sparky's in a better place.

Mm.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Ford, indistinct]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

We done?

[Fiona] Ta-da!
What do you think?

[Ford, panting]
It's an empty lot.

Yeah, 1/10th of which
belongs to me.

But it's not about
what it looks like now.

It's about what it's gonna be.

You're looking
at the future site

of Sunset Brook Senior Care,
phase two.

It's nice, huh?

Hm.

"Hm"?
What is "hm"?

Well, just seems
like they could've put

a bit more money
into the architecture,

you know?

Well, they're going for a

really simple, practical,

kind of European vibe.
I love it.

Yeah, well,
it's definitely practical.

Is the thing
Whitford sucked you into?

[laughs]

Whitford didn't suck me
into anything.

I invested
in a limited partnership.

[laughs]
So Max Whitford

makes all the decisions?

[Fiona]
The general partner does, yes.

It's an LLC, which means
my liability is limited,

so I can't get sued
by some junkie roofer.

Ah, so you can only lose
all your investment,

- which was how much again?
- 100,000.

[laughs]

- 100,000?
- Mm-hm.

- Dollars?
- With a 30% return

expected in less than a year.

Come on.
Still got 12 blocks to go.

♪♪ Cloudland's "Restart"
plays ♪♪

Christ.
Seriously?

[dog whining]

[sighs] Don't worry, Sparky.

I'm gonna be with you here
till the end.

♪♪ Please take the pride...♪♪

"Pablo would like
to play and run.

He'd spend his day
in the bright, warm sun."

♪♪ Please take my heart ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, this is how
we restart ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Lip] Hey. Morning.

Sorry. The meeting's
done already?

- [baby cries]
- Uh, they're just getting

- started--there you go.
- Hey, man.

Thanks for letting me call you
at 2:00 a.m.

Yeah, that's what sponsors
are for, you know?

Could I get you
to sign my court sheet?

Yeah, look, you gotta
be on time, though, all right?

I don't sign
for short-timers.

Sorry.

It's all right.

[paper rustling]

[cell phone chimes]

[chiming]

Hello?

[baby fussing]

Shit.
Is she okay?

Yeah.
All right, okay.

Yeah, I'll be right there.
Yo, I gotta go, all right?

My kid's in the emergency room.

You have a kid?

[mellow pop
over speakers]

We need more dicks.

- I know!
- [laughs]

So I know these women in my
trade school welding class.

- I think they can help.
- Mm, cool.

You know if you mouth
the words "olive juice,"

it looks like you're saying
"I love you"?

- What?
- Watch.

[mouthing]

Oh, my God.
It totally does.

- [laughs]
- Right?

Yeah, I don't have
many straight friends.

I kind of like this.
[chuckles]

Me too.
I like having a gay friend.

How old were you when
you realized you were gay?

Uh, the second
they slapped my ass

and cut the umbilical cord.

Okay.
[laughs]

- [car horn honking]
- Oh, shit. Look.

Luh-luh-look.

[both laugh]

- I love it.
- [car horn honking]

[distant wolf whistle]

[Alex] Hey.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[mouthing]

[click]

[mouthing]

[laughs]

What the hell?

They made a list
of the rapiest bars

in the South Side,
and The Alibi's number one?

I haven't raped anybody
in here.

No one's ever raped
anyone in here!

At least not in the inside.
Out in the alleyway, maybe.

But I knew people thought
The Alibi was shitty,

but now they think
we're rapey?

- Who says we're rapey?
- Some stupid article.

Give it to me.
Who wrote it?

Bethany Pickford-Watson.

Of course she has
two last names.

Does she look familiar
to you?

- Oh, probably some lesbo.
- No. No.

- I'd hit that for sure.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

"They even pay
black prostitutes

with fake boobs to walk around
in short skirts."

I'ma kill that bitch.

This is so unfair.

[Kev]
I mean, look around.

W-w-what's so rapey
about this place, anyway?

♪♪ Do your thing, girl ♪♪

♪♪ What's your preference ♪♪

♪♪ Man of your dreams
or a death wish ♪♪

♪♪ Somebody
to live on the edge with ♪♪

♪♪ I get nasty
voice get raspy ♪♪

♪♪ I won't tell
if you harass me ♪♪

♪♪ If you got a man
dump that lame ♪♪

♪♪ And bring it over here
back up and dump that thing ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah ♪♪

I don't know, V.
Maybe this place

- is a little rapey.
- You think?

Craig has his dick out
right now.

Craig! Damn it, man!

Ball bag was hot.

[zips pants]

Just a little pop quiz

to see how
your weekend was.

Just kidding.
It's actually ten questions

to see if you remember
how to diagram a sentence.

[all groan]

Liam.

Since this is your first day,

I don't expect you
to know any of this.

Just do the best you can.

[Mrs. Winston] Begin.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Psst.

Psst, hey.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Greetings, fellow men
of leisure!

I brought free shit
for ya,

so wear it with pride.

I got hats.
Here you go.

Hats for everyone.

V, can I get a little, um...

What else have I got?
Oh!

T-shirts.
Check these out.

Pass 'em down there.

These are cool.
One size fits all.

[Frank] What else do I have?
Bumper stickers.

Here, pass those down,
would you?

And, of course, it wouldn't be
a political campaign

without buttons.

[laughs]

Thank you, V.

"Mo White: Mo Better."

You know that's racist, right?

And, needless to say,

your political contributions
are welcome

and most appreciated.

Are you joking me?

Need I remind you,
gentlemen and lady,

what is at stake here?

No one is protecting us.

Mo White
is our only hope.

You sure this isn't
about the money, Frank?

Of course it's about the money,
Tommy!

Contributions are the lifeblood
of a political campaign.

Do you really think the Ruiz
or Wyman campaign

gives a shit about us?

Hell, no!

They're too busy whining

about equality
and cultural heritage.

They're not even
from the South Side!

[Frank] And I don't know
that they were

born in this country.

Ruiz?

The hell kind of a name
is that?

I'd like to see
that birth certificate.

[laughs]

[slurps]

Mo White will fight
for the things we care about.

Thank you, man.
Thank you. Gentlemen?

- Come on, guys. Let's do this.
- [men muttering]

I know.
It's a bitter pill.

We gotta do it
for our own good.

Here you go.
There you go.

Don't look at me like that.
Come on. Come on.

- Guys, come on.
- [man] Come on. South Side!

It's important.

Fine.

I'm not even gonna ask.

If you will excuse me...

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

I got some winnin' to do.

[laughs]

Make sure you vote!

I still can't believe
you invested

$100,000 in a vacant lot.

[Fiona] Yep.
Signing the papers tonight,

and then we're gonna flip it
quick.

[chime]
Ah, I'm meeting him at 7:00.

Does Whitford even know
about me?

[electronic tone]
Huh?

Does he know about me,
that we're together?

Yeah, we talked
about you.

Hm.

Who are you selling it to?

Sunset Brook.

They're in negotiations
to buy the land.

Hi!

So the deal isn't done yet?

Why are you shitting
on my parade?

Just because you don't think
it's a good idea

doesn't mean you gotta be
a dick about it.

I'm not trying to be a dick.

I'm just saying
that it might be...

I thought we were
gonna eat together.

We can't sit at the table
like normal human beings?

Yeah, but then
the fries get cold.

- Who likes cold French fries?
- Well you didn't even

order fries.
Those are my fries.

[Fiona] Well, here.
You can't eat them all.

Thank you very much.

Listen, for the record,
I do fully support you.

Phase two is...
is gonna be great.

Well, don't just say it
'cause you think

it's what I want to hear.
Be honest.

I was being honest,
and then you told me

I was shitting all over
your parade.

Can I have
my cheeseburger, please?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I'll be at the table.

Mm-hm.

[sighs]

[tranquil music]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Look, I've never been
to a Buddhist temple before.

I need Shim to talk to me.

Uh, God.
To talk to me.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Any tips?

Repeat.
?
"I'm here to learn.

I'm here to learn.

"I take refuge

in the Buddha."

I take refuge in the Buddha.

"Until I attain enlightenment."

Until I attain
enlightenment.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Quick question.

[Ian clears throat]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Once I attain enlightenment,

then will Shim talk to me?

'Cause they did for a while.

But then, suddenly,
it stopped.

So did Shim
stop talking to me,

or did I stop hearing Shim?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[dogs barking, whining]

I got this, Ralph.

- You sure?
- Yeah, don't worry about it.

I'll take care of Bootsie.

Okay.
Thanks, Carl.

See you tomorrow.

Don't worry, Bootsie.

No serenity
for you today.

[dogs barking distantly]

Get your dumb-ass tote bag
out of my space!

It's actually
not a tote bag.

It's a satchel.

And who the hell
starts a new school

with three weeks left
in the school year?

All the private schools
were full.

Fucking satchel boy.

I have two daughters.
What kind of father am I

if I'm also the owner
of the local rapery?

V got to you, didn't she?

[Veronica] The Alibi should be
a sanctuary,

a haven where women
can come, relax,

and only get laid
if they want to.

We could all use a place
where we could

get laid if we wanted to.

In this day and age,
you can't

say shit to a woman

without her crying harassment.
Hell, they'd sue

their own reflections
if they could.

I'm just not gonna talk
to them anymore.

[Veronica] No one talks
to your ass anyway.

Yeah, but if they did,
I wouldn't say anything.

Creepily glaring at them
is not the answer.

Hell, I probably catcalled
nine or ten women yesterday.

- You think women like that?
- I'm in construction.

I can't just change.
Doesn't matter

if time's up or not.
If a chick walks by,

I instinctively grab my balls,

?
and yell Suck on this."
It's just what happens.

All right, let's start there.

You can't call 'em chicks
anymore.

Tail?

- [Veronica] No.
- Wool?

No.

Women?

Mm, I don't think so.

Contains the word "men."

I got it.
[snaps fingers]

Vaginal enterprises.

Okay, I'm out.

Maybe we should just
stick with "women."

Oh.
Some... women...

- That's better.
- [laughs]

Some women like
to be told they're pretty.

- [Kev] Mm-hmm.
- Now, how are we supposed

to know the difference
between the ones

that like it
and the ones that don't?

Old women like being hit on.

Maybe we should just allow
the old women in.

- [Kev] Kermit!
- Why the hell

would we want that?

We need a consistent standard.

[Veronica] All right,
here's your standard.

Assume you are disgusting,

that no one wants you
to touch them,

and they couldn't care less
if you think

they're pretty or not--
there's your damn standard.

[Kermit] I've never been
so confused.

[Kev] The bottom line

is that the bar
can't be rapey anymore.

If women stay away,

bad for business.

Plus, rapey is wrong.

A-and more importantly,
rapey is wrong.

What's that twirly writing?

Cursive.

- You know cursive.
- Yes, ma'am.

Wow.

[Lip, whispering]
Sorry, 'scuse me!

Hi.
Hey, I'm looking

for a Xan,
X-A-N.

Last name?

Um, Galvez.

Xan Galvez.

Is she here?
She okay?

And you are...

Lip.
I'm her, um--her brother.

[keyboard keys clicking]

Sorry, don't have
any record of a Xan.

Oh, she, uh--
she has really crazy hair,

she came in
with a broken arm.

We had a girl come in earlier
with a broken arm.

Yeah?

[softly] Let's see...

- Alexandra Galvez?
- Yes, that's her.

Have a seat.
We'll be with you in a minute.

All right.

[ding dong]

Hi, I'm Frank Gallagher,

and, uh, that's Mo White.

- He's running for Congress.
- Hello.

And what is your name,
if you don't mind my asking?

Evelyn.
Evelyn Thomas.

Well, Evelyn,

the reason we're here

is that Mo is a

proud South Sider,
just like yourself.

He grew up two blocks
from here, over on Halsted,

in what is now a crack den.

Huh?

And the point being, Evelyn,

it's time for us to take pride

in the South Side,

and that starts
with good people like you.

Sir, I don't give a rat's ass
about the South Side.

I don't even
have a damn job.

[laughs]

I don't either,

which is why we need
Mo White in office!

- Right, Mo?
- That's right.

Mo wants to bring the jobs

back to the working people
in the South Side,

the people whose parents and
grandparents built this city!

Pride is what made
the South Side safe

and strong,
and that all starts

with one thing,
which is what?

A job.

A job.
Bingo.

Would you mind
if we put a sign on your yard

to show your support for Mo?

Yeah, I guess that'd be okay.
Sure.

That's the South Side pride
I'm talking about.

All right.
South Side pride.

- You bet.
- I like that.

- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.

Oh, sorry.
$10, please.

What?

Uh, any contribution
is gratefully welcome.

Uh, we suggest 10.

Uh, some people are doing $20.

♪♪ upbeat rock music ♪♪

Thank you, Evelyn.

♪♪ Whoa, whoa ♪♪

♪♪ Who-o-o-o-o-oa ♪♪

♪♪ Everything is better now ♪♪

No, I got it.
I got it.

♪♪ Ooh ♪♪

♪♪ Everything is better now ♪♪

♪♪ Whoa-o-o-o-oa ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[tranquil music]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Are you awake?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Sorry.

Hey, um,

have you achieved enlightenment
here before?

I'm just--
I'm not

really getting anything.
[laughs]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Okay, uh,
rough estimate,

how long does it normally take?

For Buddha, it took one night.

Well, that's not that bad.

After ages and lives
of meditation.

Right, okay.

I don't have
that kind of time.

I'm sorry.

Uh, namaste.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

Hey.

Hey.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ See what's going on ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Feel it coming strong ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hey, you okay?
What the hell happened to you?

Fell off the jungle gym.

Made it to the top, though.

Good job.

- Does that hurt?
- [curtain rings clatter]

- A little.
- Hi.

- Are you the father?
- [Lip] Ah, no.

Uh, no, no, I'm the,
uh, brother.

My dad's a drunk,
and my mom disappeared.

Are you the guardian?

No, not exactly.

Okay, well, we'll get her
over to X-ray and set the arm.

- [Lip] Okay.
- And we can only release her

to a parent or legal guardian.
Okay, sweetie.

Okay.

Right back this way.

Hey, V.
Shot of Jaeger?

Hey, Carl.
No way.

What, I can die
for our country

but can't get a simple liquor

- till I'm 21?
- It's an incentive.

[Veronica] You don't die,
you get to drink.

But you're not gonna stay alive
in the South Side for long

if you keep carrying
that little poodle around.

It's a Yorkie,
and he has cancer.

Probably only a few days
left to live.

- For the dog, not you.
- Thank you.

[Veronica] Whatcha doing
with a cancer dog, anyway?

Community service.
Need it to get into

- West Point.
- You're going to West Point?

Want to, but it'll
probably never happen.

Went to
Congressman Ubberman's office,

see if he could recommend me,

but I couldn't even
get an appointment.

Ubberman.
He's a congressman?

You know him?

White guy?
Red face?

- Sweaty?
- Yeah.

[laughs]
I'll be damned!

Hey, babe, did you know
that Wubby's a congressman?

Seriously?

When I was a dominatrix,

he was one of my regulars.

Dude used to like me
to whip him

- and call him Wubby.
- And now he's a congressman.

Do you still whip him?

Ah, I retired years ago.

Leather underwear is not
too good for my lady parts.

Would you ever think
about coming out of retirement?

- Never.
- Even if it meant giving

an underprivileged
South Side kid

a chance at achieving
his dream?

S&M is not like
riding a bike, Carl.

You can't just strap on
a pair of stilettos,

pop a ball gag
in someone's mouth,

and start to whipping them.

That is not how you ride
a bike.

I mean, that's okay.
Who's gonna let

a poor South Side kid
become an officer, anyway?

I'll just enlist,
embrace the suck,

retire an old, disabled,
sad alcoholic.

[Carl] Maybe they'll let me
teach high school ROTC

from my wheelchair
if I'm lucky.

Come on, Bootsie.
I know you gotta eat.

Hello.
I'm afraid you just missed

the Chabot morning service.

Oh, actually,
I was just, uh,

looking for some answers.

I'm the rabbi.
What's the question?

If a religion
or a movement

makes the world a better place,
does it matter

if it goes
in a different direction

than originally intended?

Well, you pretty much
just summed up every religion.

A better question might be
"What is God's will?"

That's exactly
what I want to know.

- Does God speak to you?
- I pray to God, yeah,

but in the Jewish faith,

we believe that the five books
of the Torah

are the word of God.

Kind of like the Bible.

Mm, just the first part.

Yeah, I read it.
So... God did speak to someone?

To Moses, and Moses...

[clicks]
wrote it down.

But he spoke to him,
with words?

Mm-hm, but only to Moses.

No one else, ever?

Not with words.
He did set a bush on fire once.

What is it with religions
and setting things on fire?

♪♪ energetic rock music ♪♪

[school bell rings]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hey.

'Sup, nerd?

Got a deal for you.

- Vikes?
- What?

No.
See that girl over there?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Cracker Girl?
What about her?

She wants to kill me,

so what I was thinking

what if I help you
get better grades?

Like, with homework and stuff?

For free?

No, for protection
from Cracker Girl.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I am failing the shit
out of this class.

Okay, deal.

Name's Todd.

Liam.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Yes?

Oh, wrong house.
Sorry.

Whoa, hold on a second.
Hold on a second.

Uh,

you a Wyman supporter?

I am.

Mo White.
And you are?

Dee Sanders.

Well, Dee, it is a pleasure
to meet you.

Look, I know Wyman
is an African-American,

but is that
why you're voting for her?

Absolutely.
I always do.

And that is terrific,
unless...

you want your street
repaved.

Look at these potholes, Dee.

Wyman's been in Congress
for ten years.

[Mo] You still have potholes.

We need to repair
our infrastructure.

The South Side was
the crown jewel of Chicago:

Clean, safe parks
where families

and friends could picnic
and unwind.

[Mo] We were a community.
We looked out for each other.

We--we were a family.

Now,

it's a liquor store
on every corner,

graffiti on every sign.

Yeah, it's just sad.

[Mo] My question to you is,

will a Martin Luther King

African Arts Center fix that?

We could use that money
to repave your street,

clean our parks, make
the South Side proud again,

and that's why
I'm running for Congress, Dee.

South Side pride.

And I'd really appreciate
your vote, Dee.

South Side pride.

Help me make it happen.

♪♪ Rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ There'll be no doubt
about it...♪♪

I'm Mo White.

- I'm running for Congress.
- [Frank] Mo White!

- Mo White.
- Mo White. Mo White.

We'd like to put
a sign in your yard.

♪♪ Don't need to worry ♪♪

♪♪ Now the good times
are here ♪♪

- I'm running for Congress.
- Mo White.

Mo White. You're not
gonna find him on the ballot.

♪♪ I don't just like you baby ♪♪

[Mo] Look what we've got
for you.

♪♪ I love you ♪♪

Ah.

Want a hat, too?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ I love you ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

- [Mo] That looks good.
- Yeah.

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ I love you ♪♪

Ugh, too sexy.

That's nice.

Ah, think it's too casual.

God, that's boring.
Is that even mine?

Ugh!

[sighs]

No.
No.

Fuck.
What the hell do you wear

to a 7:00 business meeting
at a hotel bar?

- It's in a bar?
- Uh-huh.

Where?

Just gonna be you and Max,

or will there be
other people there?

Yeah, it's me and Max

at a bar,
signing papers.

[Fiona] Super exciting.

Can I tag along?

No.

[scoffs]

It'll make me look weak
if you're there.

Like, "Hi, I'm just
a stupid woman.

I can't sign a document myself,
?
so I brought along some dude.

[top clatters]

- Some dude?
- [Fiona] You know what I mean.

No, I don't know
what you mean.

I don't know
what the fuck we are.

[scoffs] So now you want a
relationship? What the fuck?

I was asking you how you feel
about us--normal question.

Why are we having
this conversation now?

Do you not trust me?

I trust you.
I just...

[laughs]
I don't trust Whitford.

So you're jealous?

Yeah, I'm fucking jealous.
Yeah.

You happy?

I'm doing a business deal
with Max.

We're going to communicate.
We're going to text.

We're gonna have meetings.

If that makes you jealous,
I'm sorry.

But it doesn't mean
that I'm gonna sleep with him.

What it does mean

is that I need
new fucking clothes.

♪♪ upbeat rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Unh ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ You gotta put it
on the line ♪♪

♪♪ To make it stick ♪♪

♪♪ Gotta tell them baby ♪♪

Ugh.

No way I'ma be able to get

my post-baby feet in these.

♪♪ Say what you wanna say ♪♪

Whew! I should put those
in the dry cleaner.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Do your thing ♪♪

Hello, old friend.

♪♪ Come on, don't stop ♪♪

♪♪ Do your thing ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah ♪♪

[whip cracks, glass shatters]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Unh ♪♪

[Brad] Sorry, dude.
I got here

as quick as I could.
Is she all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She got a broken arm,

but she's fine.
Look, I need you to be her dad.

What?

They'll only release her
to a parent or a guardian,

so I need you
to pretend to be her dad.

- Also, you're a drunk.
- I'm not doing that.

Brad, come on,
help me out here.

So you want me
to impersonate her father?

Yeah, and sign some paperwork,

but I already filled out
most of it.

Well, why can't you do it?

I'm not old enough
to be her dad,

and plus, I already told them
I was her brother.

So I'm your father, too?

Yeah.
Father, stepfather, whatever.

I'm not old enough
to be your father!

Yeah, but you look old.

Dude, I'm married now.

Okay, I just got
my shit together.

No way am I getting sucked

into your weirdo
Gallagher vortex.

What the fuck?
Brad, please.

Look, if I don't get her
out of here,

they're gonna call DCFS.

You can't just walk
into an emergency room

and pretend to be

- some kid's da--
- Shh!

This is the universe
telling you

to do the right thing.
What if Xan was seriously hurt?

You ever think about that?
You're not her parent.

You wouldn't be able
to help her.

- Look, Brad...
- Sorry, dude.

Brad.

Was that the father?

Yeah.

There he goes.

Mr. Reliable.

God, this feels good!

We're doing important work
here, Frank!

South Side loves you.
We're doing great.

And I love the South Side.

You know, the least I could do
is help these people

remember what our neighborhood
stands for, huh?

[chuckles]
Mo White is back!

- [zapping sound]
- Oh! Oh.

What happened?

Uh, uh, nothing, nothing.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah.
Everything's fine.

- [zapping sound]
- Oh!

Oh, geez.
L-le-le-let's go this way.

What the hell is happening?
Are you all right?

Never better.
Never better.

Are you in pain?

Mo, I'm your campaign manager.

If you've got
a health condition,

you gotta tell me about it.

I don't have
a health condition!

I just have to watch
where I walk.

That's all.
Hey, is--is, uh,

is there a school nearby?

Why?

Ankle bracelet.
Whenever I get

within 100 yards of a school,

- I get this little shock.
- What?

Why do you wear
an ankle bracelet

that shocks you
when you get near a school?

It was years ago.
She told me

she was 18, but...

But?
But what, Mo?

- She wasn't.
- What?

Look, we were in love.

We were together
for five years.

She left me!

On her 20th birthday.

Oh, so she was 15.

Frank, will you calm down?

I paid my dues.

Well, then why do you have
to wear

a fucking ankle bracelet?

It's only
for another six months,

until...

Until I'm off parole.

Huh?
Frank, listen.

Don't give up on me.

These people...
huh?

They need me.

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ So please pardon
the aftertaste ♪♪

♪♪ I'm not gonna be
your saving grace ♪♪

♪♪ It's all a game
till your heart breaks ♪♪

♪♪ And you're picking up
the pieces in empty space ♪♪

Hi.
My name is Tyrell.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

What the hell is this?

[Kev] This is a consent form.

From now on, any woman
you want to harass

has to give
her written consent

before you're allowed
to bother her.

No woman's gonna sign this
unless she's hammered.

She has to be sober.

I'm never, ever
getting laid again.

Did you ever think you were?

Also, The Alibi will no longer
be serving

any drink called
Sex on the Beach.

It will only be known
as "The Beach."

What is this, Acapulco?
Nobody drinks those.

Women do.

TV-wise,
while we'll still be showing

the White Sox games,
we're gonna be introducing

some alternative programming
for the ladies.

- [Craig] Like what?
- [Tommy] Cooking shows?

Ellen?

This is Us.

Let's not get carried away,
Kermit.

[Kermit] What?

[soft choral music]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Got it on eBay for $21.

Really?

No.
That thing's, like,

300 years old.

You thinking about converting?

What?

You're wearing a yarmulke.

Ah, uh, y--no.

Just, uh, looking around.

Well, let me know
if you see anything you like.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Wait.

Do you know what God
wants us to do next?

- I have a pretty good idea.
- You do?

How?
Did God talk to you?

No.

Someone's gotta have answers.

It's called the Bible.
Read it.

This stuff's been figured out
since day one.

Day 39.
Whatever.

Whenever Eve ate that apple.

You really believe
there was an Eve?

Don't overthink it.

You want to know
what God wants you to do?

Start with
the Ten Commandments.

They're commandments.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Okay.

[background chatter]

Greetings, Mo White supporters.
Hey, Kev,

couple of cold ones
for your future congressman

and his loyal campaign manager.

[Mo] And two whiskey chasers,
please.

Gentlemen, if I could have
your attention, please.

[Mo] The fact that you
might want me

- as your congressman again...
- [quietly] Kev!

[Mo] That means a lot.

I would like to clear
my existing tab,

and here's a hundie
for the next one.

Thank you, my good man.

Thank you, Frank.

And nobody understands
the people of the South Side

- better than Mo White.
- That's right.

- You want better jobs!
- [all] Yeah.

- You want safer streets.
- [all] Yeah.

You want
more affordable housing.

- [all] Yeah.
- Well, then,

I humbly, humbly,
ask for your vote.

Cheers.

- [cheers]
- Another round!

And, uh, you are?

If I could just have you
sign this right here.

[Kev] Thank you.

Consent form.

Here we go.
For the thousandth time,

there was no way I could know

that girl was only 15.

What?

And my relationship
with Heather

is long behind me now.

[Mo] And did you know
that in China,

the age of consent is 13?

And that is a country
on the rise.

Shit.
Okay, thank you, Mo.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

All right.
We will see you at the polls.

I remember this dude!
They hiked

the Appalachian Trail together.
Said he was

helping her get a merit badge.

Mo left Congress to care
for his dying wife.

Mo left Congress
to bang a 15-year-old.

She said she was 18,
and you should've seen her.

Look at this, you tell me
this girl looks 15, huh?

[Tommy] Jesus!
She looks like she's ten.

12, maybe.

Okay, okay.
Did Mo make a mistake?

Yes, he did.

But he regrets it,

and what's more important,
he paid for it.

He went to jail.

He's been rehabilitated.
The system works.

I think what we all
have to keep in mind here

is that Mo's
a great congressman,

and before that,
he was the best football coach

that Robert E. Lee High
ever had,

and do you know
what's even more American

than football?

Second chances.

Hell, this whole country
was built on second chances.

- [patriotic music plays]
- O.J. got one.

He blew it, but he got one.

Teddy Kennedy, the man
you don't want behind the wheel

if you need a ride
to the other end of the bridge?

Reelected seven times.

And admit it,
we're all pulling for Tiger

every time he walks
on the course.

My point is,
we all make mistakes.

Don't we all
want a second chance?

Man, I know I do.

And for the South Side,

Mo White is that second chance.

[slow clapping]

You got my vote, Mo.

Mo White.

- Mo White!
- Mo White!

[more chanting]
Mo White! Mo White!

Mo White! Mo White!

Mo White! Mo White!

Mo White!
Mo White!

Another round!
Let's go!

[patrons cheering]

[woman] Oh, yeah!
[laughs]

I'm sorry to bother you,
Mr. Congressman,

but there's a, uh...

- Lenora.
- Lenora here to see you.

She says
she has an appointment,

but I don't have it
on the calendar.

Congressman Ubberman
will see you now.

Thank you so much.

[curtain rings clatter]

Hi, I'm Denise.

Are you Alexandra's guardian?

- Um, yeah.
- Great.

Can I have
your driver's license

and insurance card, please?

Um...

look, Denise, uh,

technically, I'm not
her legal guardian.

All right?
But I'm--

I'm looking out for her
until her mother gets back.

But you don't know
when that's gonna be?

No.

You know where she is,
though?

No.

Okay, I'm a social worker
here at the hospital.

They sent me down here
because they have concerns

about Alexandra's household.

What does that mean?

You say you're her brother,
and then you're her guardian.

A man shows up and then leaves,
and now you say

you're taking care of her
until her mother comes back,

but she said her mother's
not coming back.

Okay, I understand
that that sounds--

We will sort all this out
when DCFS gets here.

Right.

♪♪ soft guitar music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- You ready?
- [laughs]

Wubby missed you so much.

It's been a while.

- What made you--
- No talking!

Harder.

What did I just say?

- Harder!
- You want harder?

- [whap]
- Oh, my God!

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

There's a kid...

I want you to recommend
to West Point.

Oh!
[winces]

Good kid.
Big heart.

Born to serve.

[whap]
Ow!

[pained exhalation]

I already recommended someone!

- [Wubby] Oh!
- Bitch, I'm not asking.

[winces]
What's his name?

Carl Gallagher.

[whap]
Ah!

[whimpers]

Maybe--maybe I could, uh,

un-recommend the other kid.

Maybe?

[whap]
[Wubby] Oh!

[whap]
Yes!

Yes!
Yes!

[whip cracking]
Yes! Yes!

Yes!

♪♪ jaunty music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[snaps]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ You know where I'm goin' ♪♪

♪♪ You know where I've gone ♪♪

♪♪ When you show off
a little ♪♪

♪♪ I said, baby, please
it's my time ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[air hissing]

[monitor beeping, flatlining]

♪♪ You are what I'm hoping ♪♪

[whispering]
Hey, Xan, Xan, Xan.

Come on with me, all right?
[murmurs]

[flatline tone]

[nurse] Code blue.
Code blue.

[overlapping chatter,
PA]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hey.

Oh, damn, girl!
What you all dressed up for?

I could ask you the same thing.

A story for another time.

I gotta look professional.

I got a meeting.

Oh, well, you look good.

Thank you.
It's H&M.

Gonna return this shit
tomorrow.

Meeting with a man
or a woman?

Does it matter?
I'd wear exactly

the same thing, regardless.

So a man.

Look, I need this deal
to happen, okay?

If I look good, can't hurt.

[Fiona] It's called
dress for success.

Preaching to the choir.

So, are there gonna be drinks
at this meeting?

No, no, we're just
gonna sign some papers.

Uh, might have a little
champagne to celebrate.

Oh, nice.
Where?

At a hotel downtown.

Ford cool with that?

[sighs]

[laughs]
Fucking Ford.

He's acting weird.

Like, jealous.

Mm.
Wonder why.

Mm, it's not like that.

Then what's wrong?

Why is he bringing this up now?
I mean, suddenly,

he wants to be in
a relationship

'cause I got a meeting
with a guy?

Is the guy hot?

Yeah, he's hot as fuck.

- [laughs]
- Yeah, but the--

why is it all on me?

Why can't Ford and I
just hang out?

Why does it have to turn
to some official thing?

Because when it's not
an official thing,

people get hurt.

- Hey, what's up, Fiona?
- Hi, Kev.

When people leave
their options open,

you can't trust each other.

When I started dating Kev,
I was like, "You're my man,

"I'm your girl, and if you're
not happy with that,

I'll kill you in your sleep."

It's true.

What's that?

I'm trying to make a logo
or a symbol or something

so I can put it in the window

so women know
that they're safe here.

- [Frank] Hey, Kev.
- They're not.

I know. That's why I'm doing
a symbol, or a logo.

I need a quick beer
and a bump.

This might be the hardest
I have ever worked.

Where's your candidate?
Kissing babies?

I hope he's just kissing.

Disgusting pedophile.

Which is why
there's no way in hell

he's ever gonna win.
I just need him to shut up,

or else people
are gonna stop contributing

to the campaign.

You are unbelievable.

You know me,
daughter of my dreams.

I never stop thinking
about tomorrow.

Kev.

Can I get a bump
of Jamie, please?

Hey, wasn't that
Bill Clinton's campaign song?

"Don't Stop Thinking
About Tomorrow"?

That's what we need.

A campaign song.

Well...

Ugh!

Democracy never sleeps.

Unless it's
with a 15-year-old.

Hi.

Hey.

Not even gonna ask.

Totally forgot
I was wearing it.

[sighs]

How did you know for sure
you were gay?

'Cause I was having sex
with a man.

Why?

I don't know.

I think I might be gay.

You're not gay.

How do you know?

Where is this coming from?
Is this 'cause

- you're a welder now?
- No.

I don't know.
I...

I've just been feeling ways

that I've never felt before.

Have you had sex
with another woman?

Yeah. I did, once.

It was a long time ago,
but I

let a woman
I was babysitting for

go down on me.

Really?

Yeah.
Got a great tip.

- Did you return the favor?
- No.

Yeah, you're not gay.
You're a pillow princess.

Have you been
with a girl since?

Yep.
I just made out with one

in the bathroom.

Okay, well,
that's a start.

What kind of porn
do you like?

I don't watch porn.

Bullshit.
Everyone watches porn.

- I'm at least bisexual.
- No.

You're not.
[sighs]

Why do you keep telling me
what I'm not?

I thought Gay Jesus was all
about love and acceptance.

Sorry.

Yeah, I don't know
what we're about anymore.

The whole Gay Jesus thing

has gotten
completely out of hand.

I mean, people are doing
crazy shit.

Apparently,
now I'm the gay Che.

Lately, I'm just feeling like--

Hey, news flash:

you're not Jesus,
and you're not gay Che.

You're a bipolar Gallagher
who doesn't take his meds.

So why don't you stop trying
to save the world

and save yourself?

I don't know what I am anymore.

At least you know you're gay.
[laughs]

Yeah.

[sighs]

[Wubby] Lenora...

obviously thinks
very highly of you.

Yes, sir.

So...

I know of no finer candidate

for admittance to West Point

than Carl... Gallagher.

Damn right, you don't.

♪♪ Ooh, ooh ♪♪

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, ooh ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ This ain't no playground ♪♪

♪♪ But it sure is
a lot of fun ♪♪

♪♪ If you want to get some ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, ooh ♪♪

♪♪ Saturday,
you could get wild ♪♪

♪♪ It's Sunday,
you can go to church ♪♪

♪♪ Find your religion ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ I see you floating ♪♪

♪♪ Like you're looking
for trouble ♪♪

♪♪ But you can't seem
to find it ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Your feet are smoking ♪♪

♪♪ Take your
goody-two-shoes off ♪♪

♪♪ Throw 'em in the closet ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, ooh ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, ooh ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ So give me the sign ♪♪

♪♪ I'll give you a good time ♪♪

♪♪ And we can feel all right ♪♪

♪♪ Till daylight ♪♪

♪♪ What's on your mind ♪♪

♪♪ We got sugar and wine ♪♪

♪♪ So give me the sign ♪♪

♪♪ I'll give you a good time ♪♪

It's a pretty fucking
good apology.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ rock music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ I've been drinking ♪♪

♪♪ In the evening ♪♪

♪♪ Because our bedroom
has been freezing ♪♪

♪♪ Better put my money on it ♪♪

♪♪ I put my money on it ♪♪

♪♪ You've been laughing
while I'm speaking ♪♪

♪♪ I've been trying
to get even ♪♪

♪♪ And I put my money on it ♪♪

♪♪ I put my money on you ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪