Shameless (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Are You There Shim? It's Me, Ian. - full transcript

No.

No, go away.

I don't have time for this,
all right?

I have kids.

Just watch the damn show
when you're supposed to, okay?

Amy.
Amy!

See?
Thanks a lot.

Way to go.
Amy!

Military school?

You said that you
weren't going back.

Why did we even bother
getting engaged?

Marry me
before you leave, dumbass.

You love me, right? Then
what's the point in waiting?

Get off the bus, Carl!

I love you!

Saw you took
the "For Rent" sign down.

It's about time I got

something of my own
for a change.

He come with the place too?

What should I say when

I talk about you
to other people?

Am I your girlfriend?

Are you a homosexual, Ian?

Any of you queers
sick of this bullshit

and want to get out of here?

It's on YouTube.

It's already got,
like, 1,000 hits.

Seriously?

He's like a prophet.

And he's super hot too.

Like hot gay Jesus.

So big,

and we do it in God's name.

My god's a faggot,
a junkie,

a whore!

Is he off his meds?

How the hell would I know?

Everyone up!

I need sheets.

I need lots
and lots of sheets.

Debbie!

Well, what would
the surgery cost?

It'll run you
at least $50,000.

I was hoping there was
something I could do to help.

We don't have
enough fathers

- on our PTA.
- Sign me up.

Pimp my ass.

Now tell me how much
you made last year.

Two grand, maybe,

and I don't pay taxes.

Ah!

Oh, you got a niece?

My sister's kid.
Xan.

Any sign of Xan's mom?

I'm giving my shit-bag
half sister two more days.

Hey, why don't you come
stay with me for a couple days?

- That'd be cool.
- Cool.

Those rich, white, liberal
parents at your school,

we gotta take advantage
of that.

They'll be gone.
We know the code.

You got the code, right?

Fuck!

You gonna get that?

No.

♪♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were beaming
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

♪♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪♪

♪♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪♪

♪♪ You were willing
once before ♪♪

♪♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪♪

♪♪ What is this downside ♪♪

♪♪ That you speak of? ♪♪

♪♪ What is this feeling ♪♪

♪♪ You're so sure of? ♪♪

♪♪ Well, you can write
your name in the water ♪♪

♪♪ But you ain't hardly
got the sand ♪♪

♪♪ And you can lead
your sheep to slaughter ♪♪

♪♪ But you won't get
my helping hand ♪♪

♪♪ And you can love
your maker ♪♪

♪♪ From the top of every post
that you place ♪♪

♪♪ And you can weigh
your bacon ♪♪

♪♪ But keep your goddamn grease
off my plate ♪♪

♪♪ But you keep saying
I'm built for a cage ♪♪

- Oh, shit.
- ♪♪ I have been all along ♪♪

♪♪ Good reason,
there's a real good reason ♪♪

♪♪ My bite is just as big
as my bark ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause I'm a bad dog ♪♪

Morning.

- You're up early.
- Yeah.

What you doing?

Paint touch-ups
for the appraiser.

Want this place
to look great

so he says it's worth
a bazillion dollars

and I get a big fat loan
for Ian's bail.

Well, keep wearing
that outfit,

and you'll get
anything that you want.

You think that's, uh...

Is that ketchup
or blood?

That could be either.

Doesn't matter now.

We still going
to Costco later?

Yeah. Text me
when you're ready.

Okay.
Have a good day at work, dear.

Shit.

♪♪ Say, Lord ♪♪

♪♪ Save my soul ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't got no love ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a dollar short ♪♪

♪♪ I ain't got no place to go ♪♪

♪♪ Don't you know ♪♪

♪♪ That down in Jericho ♪♪

♪♪ The ocean's dry ♪♪

♪♪ No water here
to wash me ♪♪

♪♪ Of my sins ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah ♪♪

Graveyarders, shift's over!

Day crew, let's go!

Night crew, paychecks!

Thanks, Jacob.

Don't spend it all
in one place, Jugs.

- Breakfast?
- Ooh, let's do it.

I'm starving.

♪♪ Brother, sister... ♪♪

- Yeah?
- No, no.

♪♪ Superman ♪♪

Okay.

Okay. Okay, now.

♪♪ Mr. Superman ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Whew.

See you later,
Greta's vagina.

Thanks for letting me
be of service to you.

You're a funny guy.

Stay as long as you want.

I gotta get in the shower.

Oh, I got you
a great shirt.

Hey, doll,
I gotta get going.

Okay.

Text you the next time
Hal's out of town.

You hear that, Hal?
You're a lucky guy.

Taught her a few new tricks.
Hope you like 'em.

You're welcome.

- I've got you!
- I've got you!

- I've got you!
- Got you!

- I've got you!
- Got you!

- I got you!
- I've got you!

Got you!

I've got you!

You don't have him,
Huntington.

I just need
a better grip, sir!

Are you trying to screw me
out of becoming

cadet lieutenant
next year, maggot?

No, sir.

Well, it sure as shit
looks like it.

Drop that cadet,
pissant.

Jesus. Not literally.

Sorry, sir.
Sorry, Raul.

I have my year-end review with
the general this afternoon.

Do you know what that
might be about, puke-head?

No, sir. Y-yes, sir.
Uh, me, sir?

I've had the entire school year

to get you plebes
into fighting shape,

and yet one big, fat turd
who can't keep up.

I'll do better, sir!

A chain is only as strong
as its weakest link,

and you are my weakest link!

Get out of my face!

Cadets... and Dave...

dismissed!

Corporal Gallagher
is on the move!

Left! Left!
Left, right, left!

Here we go again!

Hi, Carl!

I see you in there!

Walking down the avenue!

Only two more days
until the end of school!

Mrs. Gallagher
is waiting for you!

- Left! Left!
- I'm doing my Kegels.

- Left, right, left!
- I love you!

There are three units
on this level

and three apartments upstairs.

All super-reliable tenants.

I put a new roof on
last year.

Uh, that was broken
when I bought the place.

I've been looking
for a matching piece.

That won't affect
the price, will it?

Just gotta take pictures
of what I see.

You must be so busy,

everyone trying
to refinance

before the rates
go up any more.

Been doing
ten of these a day.

Wow, that's a lot.

Yeah. Sure.

And you live around here,
in the city?

Uh, Schaumburg,
actually.

Oh.

It is so nice out there.

Have you been?

Uh, couple times.

What's the real estate like
out in, uh, Schaumburg?

Nothing like what's
happening down here.

You grow up there?

Yeah, yeah.
Born and raised.

Interesting.

It...
It's not.

My husband and I,
we like it, though.

So what do you think
this place is worth?

$550?
$600 at least, right?

Gotta do the comps.

Don't see
any red flags, though.

Great.

Where's all the mechanical?

Uh, downstairs
in the basement.

Yeah, right through the door.

Mm-hmm.

♪♪ Funny, but when
you're near me ♪♪

♪♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪♪

♪♪ Bright as the stars ♪♪

♪♪ We're under ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, is it any wonder ♪♪

Dinner is served.

♪♪ I'm in the mood ♪♪

♪♪ For love ♪♪

Well,
top o' the morning to ya.

No time
for breakfast...

maid.

I'll just grab
something to go.

Hmm.

♪♪ Hoo-hoo,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪♪

♪♪ Hoo-hoo,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪♪

♪♪ Hey ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh ♪♪

♪♪ Hoo,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪♪

♪♪ Hoo-hoo,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪♪

Hey, Frank.

Push.
Push.

Yo, Leo.

My cell,
five minutes.

No, thank you.

Yes, thank you.
I need to blow a nut.

I don't think so.

Since when do you get
a say in this, bitch?

Since I told him
that he gets a say in this,

bitch.

They're on strike, remember?

You were serious
about our fucking hos

- being on strike?
- Until you agree

to mutual sexual respect,
they aren't coming back.

Let's go, Leo.

Release him, jack-hole!

Fuck you

and your ho strike.

Bye, baby.

You're doing the right thing,
Leo.

I know, but I miss him.

Strength through
collective action.

It's the only way
the oppressed

have ever triumphed
over the oppressors.

Strength, ladies.

Gallagher.

Visitor.

Yo, Jules, stand guard.

I got it, boss.

Strength.

You sure it's okay
you're missing school today

for Brad's wedding?

Yeah, my teacher just said

to bring a note
from my mom tomorrow.

Need me to write it?

Nah, I can forge
her signature.

Okay.

All right.

There we go.

And...
how do I look?

- Stupid.
- Well, good.

That's what I was going for.

Come on,
before you make me late.

I love yoga.

Ah.

What are you doing?

Emergency PTA meeting.
I hope the kids are okay.

We should probably
pick up the pace a little.

Yeah.
Up you go.

Oh, God.

I'm close to getting
the bail money.

The court just did
an appraisal on my building.

- How soon?
- Tomorrow, maybe.

I-I need a few more days.

There's oppression
everywhere in here.

W-what are you talking about?

I'm busting my ass to get you
out of this shit hole.

My work here is not done.

I-I'm saving the submissives
from their sexual oppressors.

And I'm getting you
a $50,000 gift of freedom.

Look, I organized a strike
against the gangbangers

who terrorize
the gay and trans inmates.

They take out
their feelings of...

inadequacy
and repressed homosexuality

on us queers,

and they practice
really bad sexual hygiene.

A-are they giving you
your meds in there?

I-I'm protecting
defenseless lambs

from having their emotional
and physical spirits

slaughtered, Fiona.

Don't break any bones, girls.

We can't afford the hospital.

V, why they got
so much energy now?

They were never like this
when Svetlana was here.

I think
they were scared of her.

Hell, I know I was.

Open up, Kev.
We got a line out here.

- Whee!
- All right, I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming!

Let's go,
while we're middle-aged!

Calm down!

All right, girls,
just stay.

- Well, about time.
- Oh, relax.

There's still 19 hours
left to drink.

Let's go, yeah.
Let's go.

No, no, no, no, no no, no, no.
What are you...

Molly, how many times
have I told you?

You cannot bring dogs
in the bar.

Oh, come on, Kev.
I just need a shot and a beer.

I've been playing fetch
with the beasts for two hours

just to tire them out.

All right, fine.
Make it fast.

It's just, I don't want to get
shut down by the county.

Having your kids in a cage
is what's gonna get you

- shut down by the county.
- That's a playpen.

We don't have a sitter
with Svetlana gone.

Which means we don't
have sexy time anymore.

Kev, no one needs to know
about our sex life.

I do.
Makes me not feel

so shitty about mine.

Hey, what's up, Debs?

Hey.

Pitcher of beer,
please.

And a large Coke.

What, are you guys, like,
morning drinkers now?

Ha.
Your morning is our evening.

Every couple weeks,

we have to work
a graveyard shift.

It sucks.

Oh, can you cash my check
for me, V?

- How much is it for?
- $720.

Are you high?

We don't have
that kind of money

first thing in the morning.

We don't have that kind
of money last thing at night.

Wait, $720?

What are you talking about?
We worked the exact same shifts

- last week.
- Yeah, 40 hours times 18.

$18?

- Mm-hmm.
- An hour?

I make $15.

- Oh.
- Do you guys make $18 too?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Fucking Jacob.

♪♪ I'm a heat seeker,
I'm a revelator ♪♪

♪♪ If you're trying to stop me,
I'ma see you later ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a heat seeker... ♪♪

♪♪ If you really want it,
you can get it ♪♪

♪♪ Treating every day like
the sun is never setting ♪♪

♪♪ If you really want it, then
you better go and get it ♪♪

♪♪ If you wanna
ha, ha, ha, ha... ♪♪

♪♪ Don't stop
what you're doing, get it ♪♪

♪♪ If you want it,
go and get it ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪♪

Fuck.
Am I late?

Uh, no.
They're just getting started.

Oh, thank God.
I would never hear

the end of it from Cami.

The maid of honor?

Yep.
Her sister, Tami.

Cami and Tami, huh?

Yeah, well, our parents,
Pami and Sami,

weren't very creative.

I'm fucking with you.
They're Bob and Kim.

Are you the best man?

Yeah, I'm Lip.

What's up with your hair?
Are you, like,

in the Marines or some shit?

I was freebasing.
My head caught on fire.

I'm fucking with you.
No, I, uh,

fell asleep
with gum in my mouth.

That's the most retarded thing
I've ever heard.

Oh, says the lady
with the bouffant

and the princess headband.

I spent hours on this.

Well, you can't get
that time back, can you?

Oh, I can't wait

till this cocksucking
ceremony is over

so we can hit
the reception.

I am fucking starving.

- Let's do this thing!
- After you.

Buzz off, will you?

What are you doing here?

I need you to do me a favor.
I...

- Hey.
- Hi, Frank.

Nice to see you again.

- It's been a while.
- Yeah.

Take this home with you,
will you?

Hide it someplace safe.

What's in it?

A little weed, some blow.
A couple of oxys.

There's a PTA meeting.
It's probably best

not to bring that stuff
onto school grounds.

Hey, would you...

Doesn't sound like weed.

It's my salary.

Ever since you denied me
my big, fat score,

I've had to make money
the good old-fashioned way:

on my back,

taking what scraps I can

from your little friends'
parents.

I'm gonna pawn that stuff
after the meeting.

Yes?

Enter.

At ease, soldier.

Sir, I'd like to discuss

the cadet lieutenant position.

I know it comes down
to me and Lawson

and that one of my men

is not up
to the high standards

of military cadets
that we expect,

but I promise you,
if given that position,

I will get him there next year.

What are your plans for
after graduation, Corporal?

Sir?

Cadet lieutenants
have traditionally

gone on
to service academies.

West Point?

You have the discipline,
the fighting spirit.

Get a congressman
or senator's recommendation.

You really think I could?

You'll have to handle
your personal situation.

There's a civilian
outside the wire in a tent.

Gallaghers have always
attracted crazy, sir.

My brothers have.
Sisters too.

My mother was crazy.

Well, if you can straighten out
your platoon

and personal issues, son,

there's a good chance you'll be
cadet lieutenant next year.

Costco or bust.

Hey.
Let me just get my stuff.

- How was Ian this time?
- Crazier than usual.

Wants to stay in jail.

Needs time
to negotiate a strike

between the gangbangers
and the lambs.

No idea
what he's talking about.

That's extra-crispy crazy.

Yeah.
Anyway, here.

You left your coat
at my place.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

All right, lads. I'm off.
I'll see you later, yeah?

All right, man.
See you.

Yo, gay Jesus!

You need
to release our hos now.

You ready to negotiate
better conditions

for these children
of our Lord?

Last night,
I fucked my sink.

- My balls are so blue.
- Yeah, that's right.

Then shall we talk,

try to agree on the proper ways
to manage our relationships

with those we love
and care for?

Sure.
Whatever the fuck you say,

as long as I get
my ass eaten out.

All right.

Let's break bread
and drink wine together.

♪♪ Smooth ♪♪

♪♪ Smooth like butter ♪♪

I never thought
she'd stick around.

Ah, well, you did the work.

You know?
You faced your demons.

A kid and the love
of a good woman

will do that to you.

Should try it sometime.

- Get out here...
- Let's go!

- ...and dance!
- Go get 'em.

No, no, no, if I'm doing this,

come on, you're coming with me.

- Come on, man.
- Come on.

Lip, we're doing
our nerdiest dance moves.

- Yeah?
- Watch, okay.

Okay.

♪♪ Like a slippery slope ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, baby,
yeah, this is dope ♪♪

- I got one better.
- Yeah?

♪♪ Oh, boy, let's go ♪♪

Oh, my God.

All right, all right,
all right.

Now, uh, no matter
what dance move I do,

it's gonna be
the nerdiest.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Sure?
Okay.

- Oh, Jesus.
- What? That's good!

That's awful.

- What's up?
- Nothing.

Wanna dance?

Okay.

♪♪ Melt me up ♪♪

Who is this kid?
He has a beard.

Yeah, that's what the hormones
in milk will do to you.

Chillax, Grandpa.
She's having fun.

Come on.

Uh, where?

The maid of honor
and best man

always hook up at these things.

♪♪ Smooth like butter ♪♪

Good afternoon.
Thank you all

for coming in
on such short notice.

Earlier today,
I was contacted

by the county
health department.

- Lice again?
- I wish.

Then what? I got
an open house in 30 minutes.

There's an epidemic
at our school.

- Measles?
- It's because of those

anti-vaxxer French kids
you let in, isn't it?

It's not the measles.

We're talking about
a very... delicate issue:

a sexual epidemic.

In elementary school?

That's the French.

My kid's nine.

And she's a giant slut.

Honey, stop.

I'm serious.
You should see

what her daughter
wears out of the house.

It's called style.

Maybe your son
should take a few pointers.

Please, enough.
I'm not talking

about the children,
for God sakes.

I'm talking about you people.

The epidemic has been traced
to this PTA.

What?

I'll turn this over

to Dr. Jonathan Rosenbaum

from the county health board

to further explain.

Ah, thank you.

Um, as mentioned, uh,
this is a sensitive issue,

but one that we do not
take lightly.

Over the past few weeks,

four people
have tested positive

for virulent strains
of multiple STDs.

The only thing these people
have in common

was this PTA group.

In all my time

at the county
health department,

I-I've never seen symptoms

of all three
venereal diseases...

chlamydia, gonorrhea,
syphilis...

in four people at once.

Who the hell are the four?

- Not me.
- Bullshit.

Uh, I can't
reveal that information,

but swift action
must be taken

so we can learn
who these individuals

came in contact with

so we can contain
the epidemic.

You're saying
these four people may have

- given it to the rest of us?
- Yes.

But that could only happen
from sex.

You... you don't get an STD
from a toilet seat.

This is absurd.
If you excuse me,

I have a root canal
to perform.

Sir, you're gonna stay
and be tested.

Can't keep us here
against our will.

Actually, I can.
The Illinois

Sexual Transmissible Disease
Control Act

states that we can order
the testing

and the isolation
of an individual

to stop the spread
of an STD

until such time that the danger
to the public health

is eliminated.
That's the law.

- What?
- Are you kidding me?

- Folks!
- What is going on here?

As soon as everyone
is tested,

we can determine
who can leave

and who will need
intravenous antibiotics.

Thank you.

- This is...
- What the...

You pay Farhad more than me.

You know what, Jugs? I don't
even have you on the schedule

till tomorrow morning.

He gets $18 an hour.

Everybody does.

- I don't.
- Well, you're a girl.

What does that have to do
with anything?

Uh, you take
a lot of bathroom breaks...

peeing, getting your period
and whatnot... and I timed you.

- What?
- Twenty-four minutes

in the can
during an eight-hour shift.

That's because
your port-a-potties

are fucking disgusting.

You guys piss
all over the seats.

It takes me five minutes
to clean it and build a nest

before I can sit down
and pee.

Way of the world, Jugs.
You don't like it,

find another job.

Wedding fucks are the best.

- You've done this before?
- Seven times.

You want my wedding pussy,
don't you?

Your version of dirty talk?

Why, is it working?

Sure.

Ah, your cock is making me
really dizzy.

That a good thing?

Fucking hallway's
spinning around right now.

Oh, hey, you want me
to stop?

- Ah...
- Fuck.

Hey, are you all right?

Man.

I feel a lot better.

Okay, yeah, let's finish
this thing.

I need another drink.

Whoever you four
fuckers are that are infected,

I just got a foot-long Q-tip
just shoved up my dick.

I understand your anger
and your frustration,

and we appreciate
your cooperation.

At this time,
everyone has been tested.

Thank you.

Uh, Donald and Eliza Watts,

Paula Dowd,

Leah and John Alperin,

Tod Carney,

Kate and Lina Thomas.

You're all free to go.

- Yes!
- Fuck.

What about the rest of us?

You all tested positive.

No, that's impossible.

I'm calling my lawyer.
That's ridiculous.

Look, folks, we have

to trace
this communicable web

to see if anybody is infected
that is not in this room.

Look, I can't force you

to reveal
your sexual partners,

but any information
you give us

could very well save lives.

I slept with I-Irene Bragg.

Asshole!

Fucking whore.

Ed.

Charlize Stewart.

What?

I slept with
my tennis pro.

I slept with our nanny.

I had sex
with my gynecologist.

I always fantasized
about having enough money

to stock up on toilet paper.

Lofty goals.

Hey, when I was a kid,

we had to use
whatever we could find.

Christmas napkins,

paperbacks,

coffee filters.

You don't answer it?

No.

Got boxes to unpack.

I've got a bathroom
to clean.

I clean it every week.
It's not that dirty, is it?

Ever look behind the toilet?

No, and I never plan
on doing so.

Uh-huh.

The appraisal report came in.
I can get the bail money.

What?

Nothing.

What?

Better not to get involved.

With me?

With your family.

If you're involved with me,
you're involved with my family.

Let's talk about
your dirty toilet.

You don't think
I should bail him out?

Didn't say that.

You didn't say anything.
It's like talking to a wall.

"Uh, excuse me, Mr. Wall.
I just got

the money to bail out
my brother.

Isn't that great?"

"Why, yes, Fiona.
That is fantastic!"

I doubt the wall
would say that.

Yeah?
Well, what would

the fucking wall say, then?

Ian set a... a van on fire.

Coulda killed somebody.
He has a Jesus complex.

You said he's on and off
his medication.

So I shouldn't bail
my own brother out?

What if he doesn't show up
for his trial?

- He wouldn't do that.
- You sure?

He knows my ass
is on the line.

If he skips town,
you lose all your money.

Could be put to better use.

- How?
- Don't know.

Invest in another
apartment building.

Buy a café,
yoga studio...

anything but your brother.

Beverly.

My gardener, Pablo.

I, uh...
I don't know his last name.

Uh, Kurt Alvarez.

Our pool guy.
And, uh...

Frank.

I slept with Frank.

So did I.

Me too.

Yep.
Frank.

- I slept with Frank.
- I slept with Frank.

Frank.

V, look how hard I am for you.

My dick is so hard,
it's holding up this...

Kev!

Jesus, V, you're supposed
to be putting them to bed!

They won't sleep.
I'm trying to tire them out.

Did you sing
that Russian lullaby to them?

A thousand times,
and I read to them,

and I rocked them
and I cuddled them

and I threatened them.

We should rub crème de menthe
in their mouths.

- What?
- All my foster parents

used to give us booze
for us kids to go to sleep.

That's not
a great selling point.

Then what are we gonna
do, then?

Come on.
Come on, let's go.

What are you doing?

We're gonna go play fetch.

It worked for that
dog-walking lady.

Maybe it'll work
for our kids.

She's still at it.

♪♪ Carl, Carl, he's my man ♪♪

♪♪ If he can't fuck me,
no one can ♪♪

'Cause of that crazy bitch
out there,

and this maggot
being a fuckup,

I'll never get that promotion.

I love you!
Whoo! Hi!

I see you!

♪♪ Carl, Carl, he's my man ♪♪

♪♪ If he can't fuck me,
no one can ♪♪

♪♪ Carl, Carl, Carl ♪♪

Okay, girls, you ready?
You ready?

Go get it!
Go get it!

Bring it back.
Run fast.

Good girl!
Okay, drop it.

Drop it.
Drop it.

♪♪ There's 50,000 reasons
for us to be free ♪♪

Now fetch!
Good girl.

♪♪ Fifty thousand questions,
but they're all the same ♪♪

Move fast!
Use a lot of energy.

♪♪ Fifty thousand reasons
for us to be free ♪♪

♪♪ Come on, baby, that's a ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, baby, that ♪♪

Hey, what are you
laughing about?

Video chatting with Ted.

He is so funny.

Say hi, Ted.

Hey.

Ah, hell, no.
Bye, Ted.

Hey!

He has a beard.

Put on Paw Patrol.

Oh!

Look at all this shit
Frank stole

from my friends' moms.

They know about it?

I don't think so.

Ah, you should pawn it, then.

Gonna give it back.

What, to Frank?

To my friends.

How are you even a Gallagher?

Hey, uh, dinner's ready!

Be there in a sec.

Why, what are you doing?

My boss said I pee too much.

That's why I get paid
less than the guys.

So tomorrow, I'm not
going to pee at all.

Get paid less
just for showing us that.

Screw him.
Like guys don't piss.

It's total discrimination.

Hey, I come bearing gifts.

Oh, uh, Debs won't need any.

What is that?

It's best not to ask.

So...

I can get Ian's bail money.

That's great.

Yeah.

You guys don't think he would

skip out on me, do you?

Is he taking his meds?

Maybe not.

Is he gonna be able
to get his old EMT job back,

or go back to being
Gay Jesus?

Beats me.

Is he gonna pay back
his bail?

I don't know.
Does any of that shit matter?

How many times have we
bailed out family before?

Isn't that just the cost
of being a Gallagher?

♪♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪♪

♪♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪♪

♪♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪♪

V.

V!

You did it!

It's go time.

Thank you all for staying.
You're all to be commended.

Um, at this point,
you've all received

your first IV dose
of amoxicillin.

In four hours,
you'll receive another dose,

followed by your final dose,
four hours after that,

until you are no longer
a public health risk.

Have fun.

How are we supposed
to relax in this place

when we are trapped
like rats?

If you hadn't spread your legs
for half these guys,

- we wouldn't be here.
- Don't blame this on me.

You screwed just as many people
as I did.

I don't understand
why we can't leave.

It's not like we're gonna
have sex

and infect the rest
of the world.

You're definitely
not gonna have sex.

I mean, you don't want to have
sex more than quarterly.

I have post-partum!

For three years?

Uh, in my experience,
she's got

quite an active libido,

but hey, let's not fight.

We gotta make the best
of this situation.

The best of this situation?

You fucked all of our wives,
Gallagher.

Probably the reason
for this whole damn thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's kill him.

- Yeah.
- Oh, will you...

- Would you calm down?
- Stop.

Careful.
Stop it.

Look at the bright side!

We're getting
free medical care.

Free medical care!

You destroyed my marriage.

I did you a favor!

My penis might have actually
helped you to heal.

Did you ever think of that?

The hell
are you talking about?

Your bodies
are developing immunity

to a horrible disease
thanks to me!

Three horrible diseases.

The fact that
you're all cheating

is a lot more serious

than a couple of silly

sexually transmitted diseases.

I think you should use
this time

to reexamine
your relationships.

There's nothing wrong
with our relationships.

Is that what you think,
C h a rl i ze?

Because you told me
you feel sexually invisible

in front of Wells.

What?
That's bullshit.

She said you don't find her
attractive

since she had your child.

You saw the baby
come out of that thing,

and it grossed you out.

You gotta get over it, man.

Who the hell are you,

to tell us what to do?

I'm the guy who supplied
your wives a service.

That's who.

You men have been
neglecting them.

Been off screwing other women

because it's more exciting,

but you have not put the time

into your marriages,

so I've had to do the work.

Thank God I'm great at sex.

It's probably 'cause
I've had a lot of practice.

A lotta practice.

Lotta, lotta, lotta practice.

I'm gonna kill him.

What is your problem, man?

Will you...

Come on,
kill the bastard!

Get off!
Come on!

Look!

Look, Frank might have a point.

- He does?
- Yeah!

Listen to Darren.

The truth is,

Sasha,

I've been working too much,

and I haven't... haven't been
a very good husband,

or a very good father,

and maybe we could just,

you know,

go somewhere and...

and talk about it.

- Fine.
- Yeah?

Did you see that,
people?

The flame of love, relit
right in front of your eyes.

Does anyone else
want to talk,

try to come up
with a solution?

I don't.
Irene can

rot in hell,
for all I care.

You'll be right there
next to me.

Well, maybe some people need
a little longer to process.

Len,

we haven't had sex
in ages.

Honey, let's not air out
our laundry here.

Len, please, let her...
let her continue.

You denied having sex
with every woman in here,

yet you tested positive.

That doesn't make sense to me,
Len.

They must have made a mistake.

Tell them about us, Len.

Okay.

Fuck it.

It's true.

Richard and I
are having an affair.

Well, I didn't see
that coming.

You see, folks?

Love is love is love.

I'm so sorry.

What are you doing?

I thought you were asleep.

Why do you have two phones?

It's for my mother.
It's an international phone.

Your mother's Patty?

Patricia, yeah.

Bullshit.

You don't believe me.

Should I?

You want me to call her?

It's early there.
She's old.

Probably wake her up,
but if you insist...

No, it's okay.

All this Ian stuff
is making you paranoid.

Fine.

- Keep it.
- Why?

You don't trust me,
so take it.

If it rings, answer it,

and have a nice conversation
with me ma.

Tell her I said hi.

♪♪ Mama always said
gotta be yourself ♪♪

♪♪ Gotta be yourself ♪♪

♪♪ Mama always said
don't worry, don't worry ♪♪

♪♪ About no one else ♪♪

♪♪ We do it like we do it,
do it ♪♪

♪♪ We do it
like we do it, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Gotta be yourself ♪♪

♪♪ Gotta be,
gotta be yourself ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Daddy always tell me
that you gotta be tough ♪♪

♪♪ You gotta be tough ♪♪

♪♪ Everybody's gonna see
what you're made of ♪♪

♪♪ What you're made of ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

- Hey!
- Hey.

I got
a broken cam bearing.

Grab that flashlight.
Help me take a look.

Yeah, sure, sure.

You're in a good mood.

I'm fucking married.

That was the best day
of my life.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, looks like
the breather gear

took out the cam.

Eh.
Valves are bent too.

I'm gonna write an estimate.

Yeah.

So you and Tami hit it off
at the wedding.

Yeah, yeah.

She's cute.

Uh, we hooked up.

She was drunk.
Puked on me.

Sober sex is weird, huh?

Take her out
on a real date.

Go out for a steak
or something.

There's nothing like
a good woman to ground you.

She could be the one.
You never know.

Nah, no, I think I'm too busy
for anything like that.

Yeah, because you spend
all your time

hanging out
with that ten-year-old girl.

It's getting
kind of skeevy, man.

Hey.

She doesn't have
anybody else.

Call DCFS, bro.

Shit ain't your problem.

♪♪ I love my baby ♪♪

♪♪ That's why she has to die ♪♪

♪♪ Mm, I love my baby ♪♪

♪♪ That's why she has to die ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, I can't have
these feelings for you, girl ♪♪

♪♪ I'm not that type of guy ♪♪

♪♪ Mm, I love my baby ♪♪

♪♪ You know I love her so ♪♪

♪♪ Mm, I love my baby ♪♪

♪♪ And that's why
she has to go ♪♪

Fuck!
No, no, fuck.

Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck.

Ugh!

Fuck.

Fuck.

♪♪ Ooh, oh, oh ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, oh, oh, oh ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, oh, oh, oh ♪♪

They're not even
getting tired.

The dogs are, though.

I've got to get them
back to their owners

at some point, you guys.

Uh, Molly,
just ten more minutes, please.

Your next beer and shot's
on the house.

Hey!

She's doing a public service.

♪♪ How I wonder... ♪♪

Hey, look at that.

♪♪ Up above
the world so high... ♪♪

They're so well-behaved.

They're, like, the same age
as the girls,

and they can sing.

♪♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little star ♪♪

- Preschool.
- Preschool.

♪♪ How I wonder what you are ♪♪

Hey.
How's it going?

Can I help you?

Yeah, it's... it's, uh...
it's Lip.

You know,
from the wedding thing.

Oh, yeah.

'Sup?

Brad told me you worked here.
It's nice.

Okay.

Um...
Um...

Look, I thought maybe
you'd want to, uh,

um, go out to dinner,

or something.

Oh, nah.
I'm good.

You're... you're what?

Look,

I'm sure in some circles,
you're badass,

or not.
I don't know.

You're just...

really not that much fun.

You don't drink,

you're all angsty
about some little girl,

and you fuck for shit.

Uh, I don't fuck for shit.

Oh, yeah, no,
you fuck for shit.

Hey, fuck you,
I fuck for shit.

Have you ever been
on the receiving end

of your fucking?
No.

So how would you even know

if you fuck for shit?
You wouldn't.

Yeah, well, it's a little
difficult

to not fuck for shit

when you're standing
in a puddle of vomit,

you know, fucking
some gargantuan woman

in a closet.

Whatever you need
to tell yourself

- to sleep at night.
- No, I'm sorry

if I wasn't as good
as the 73 other best men

you've had sex with,
all right?

Oh, you weren't.

No, not by a long shot.

That was probably
the worst lay

- I've ever had.
- Jesus.

You were all like,
jab, jab, jab.

- Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab!
- You know, I didn't even want

to ask you out to dinner,
all right?

Brad made me do it.

I was just trying
to be a nice guy.

Nice guy?
Okay, well, then you

should've fucked me
good and hard,

'cause that would've been
a nice guy.

You know, have a good life,
pukey.

Yeah, see you later,
jabby.

Hey, Nick!

You going
to the port-a-potty again?

Third time
in the bathroom today?

Whoo!
What's that,

about 12, 13 minutes, Jacob?

What's the deal
with you, Gallagher?

You haven't taken
a pee break all day.

Shit, you're right.

Thanks for reminding me.

Gonna go right now.

All done.

Hi.

Whatcha doing?

Signing the loan paperwork
to get Ian's bail money,

and I don't want to hear
a word about it.

Not from me.

I come bearing burritos.

Chicken and bean?

Is that what you like?

Yes.

Then of course
that's what I got.

Thank you.

I will...

I will accept
this apology burrito.

- Apology?
- Yeah.

For keeping it a secret
you got two phones.

Oh, and here I thought
you were gonna apologize

for snooping through my phones.

Yeah, no, not a chance.

- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

Did you talk to my mother?

Nope, never rang.

I did drop it
in the toilet, though.

I hope it still works.

Mmm.

Took care of your problem,
Corporal Gallagher.

What problem is that?

Just wanted to prove
my loyalty to our platoon, sir.

The hell are you talking about,
cadet?

Kassidi.
Don't worry, sir.

Nobody will ever
find the body.

I have good news.

Me too.
I can get the bail money.

Our strike ended.

We were able to negotiate

peaceable and non-abusive
engagements.

Did you hear what I said?

I got approval
to take a loan

- against my building.
- Now, some of the bangers

are slow to pick up

on what that actually means,
but, you know,

with the upbringing
they've had,

I'm not surprised.

Listen, if I bail you out,
are you gonna show up

for your trial?

I-I have no idea where Shim's
gonna take me, Fiona.

Who?

Shim.

What the hell is a shim?

I mean, we have no idea

if God's a she or a he,
do we?

Oh.

Shim.

♪♪ Whoa, I got out,
I got out ♪♪

♪♪ And not a moment too soon ♪♪

Okay.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen,

uh, thank you again
for your cooperation.

Uh, we've contacted
your other sexual partners.

Uh, some of you
are gonna need to find

a new yoga instructor.

Couple of you gentlemen
are gonna need

to look for a new assistant.

What if I stay with Richard

every Tuesday, Thursday,

- and alternating weekend?
- Perfect.

You're gonna become
a "thruple"?

Yep.
Thanks, Frank.

Aww, that's just great.

Let's go, boys.

So,

we made it
to the other side.

Who knew STDs could bring
so much happiness?

Hey, Gallagher.

I want to thank you
for showing me

what a raging whore
my wife is.

Well, now, come on...

Call me, Frank.

♪♪ And not a moment too soon ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, not a moment
too soon ♪♪

♪♪ yeah ♪♪

Hey, Jacob!

Looks like I'm the only one
who didn't take

a pee break today.

Guess you have no choice
but to pay me

the same as the guys.

$18 an hour, please.

Okay, fine.

You'll see it
in your next paycheck, Jugs.

Thanks.

"Jugs"?

What the hell is this?

♪♪ I've been getting vibes
so fresh and clean ♪♪

♪♪ I can feel the sunshine
calling me ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, I'm feeling good,
feeling free ♪♪

♪♪ Running from my head
down to my feet ♪♪