Shameless (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 10 - Church of Gay Jesus - full transcript

You missed it, didn't ya?

You don't know what happened last week.

You want me to tell you?

Give me 100 bucks.

Come on, 100 bucks, I'll
tell you what ha...

Okay, 50 bucks! You make a good living!

Give me some fucking money! You
want to know what happened or not?

Well then, fuck you.
I'm not telling you.

It's my goal to get you all safely
across the border into Canada.

- Do you see anybody?
- No, I don't see...

Hello. Wrong side of
the border, boys?

You can find your own
rich dude to control.

I am past my prime whoring years.

Top ten places to look for rich dudes.

Number one, highend pubs.

We're taking you sugardaddy shopping.

I saw you took the "For Rent" sign down.

It's about time I got something
of my own for a change.

- You're pretty damn intriguing.
- How intriguing?

There was, an
accident at my building,

one of the roofer guys
fell off the roof.

- Is he okay?
- I think he broke his ankle.

If there's anything
that I can do to help.

Thank you.

What, Youens still?

I can't stop picturing him
in an orange jumpsuit

for the rest of his life.

You're a good fucking friend,
but you can't fix everything.

You still on that Bible shit?

Yeah, I'm proving to my online
haters that Jesus is a fag hag.

Another gaycorcism's going down.

Gotta gather the kids.

- Who are you?
- I'm his girlfriend.

Check this out.

Wow.

You're yelling at me right now!

Because you're being crazy!

Yes, I'll marry you! Fucking hell yes!

My God...

You're, still at it.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out where
all the gayhating churches are.

There's like one in every neighborhood.

Homophobia's back in style.

Not for long.

I've got more kids coming
for a meeting tonight.

- Youens still in jail?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm actually gonna go
check on him later today.

Hey, they've got a
retirement calculator.

I fucking love the internet.

I'll roll over my 401K from
Lumber Lawn and Lighting.

And then I add my estimated
yearly earnings.

- What are you doing, Frank?
- Planning my retirement.

Time to reflect on my accomplishments

and to bask in the spoils
of a life welllived.

You mean leech off your kids and
drink booze out of a backpack?

You guys, Farhad found me

a temp job that pays 40 bucks an hour!

- Yeah?
- Some nighttime welding gig.

I don't know, nighttime welding?
Sounds kind of sketchy, Debs.

Took me two weeks to make
300 bucks walking dogs.

I can handle sketchy.

Expenses? Alcohol and
drugs is nonnegotiable.

Clothing? Yes, the occasional golf shirt

or swimwear for leisurely
retirement pursuits.

Hola, hola, good morning.

No mortgage...

- Hola, mi cielito. Como estás?
- No rent...

Are you ready to have a nice
day with your abuelita?

I'll change you.

- Good morning, boo.
- Did you make all this?

Yes. For you, bae.

I am going to cook for you every day,

and dinner too, and then
blow jobs for dessert.

I'm going to be the best fucking wife.

The age I'd like to retire,
based on my current age?

Well... they're identical, so.

I...

W... this makes no sense.

Let me see.

Come on.

All right, you need... 23
grand annually to retire.

And you are short by about...

22 grand.

Sounds right to me.

Fuck that.

I've got engagement presents!

The vibrations will
lift up your follicles

so that the blades cut below your skin.

Thank you.

And a Nintendo 3DS for Liam.

Dope.

And a Zen garden

with a tiny, little sand rake for you.

And, um, a Fitbit for Ian.

Sweet.

And... hot rollers for you.

Cool.

And for you, my sweet, hot bitch...

I found it.

What is it?

Is that blood?

- Is that your blood?
- Yeah. It's your blood now.

You possess me, and vice versa.

Here. Come here.

- I'll try not to nick an artery.
- Gross.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Nice color.

It's called "Dangerous Robot."

I'm doing the bathroom in Liquid Kitty.

What happened to just "blue"?

Blue... is not badass.

Well, neither is Liquid Kitty,
it sounds like a dyke bar.

Why don't you just paint it "Wet Pussy"?

Benjamin Moore didn't have that one.

It took me forever to choose.

What is my taste, even?

Ghetto chic.

That's by necessity, not choice.

Well, you're asking the wrong gal.

Mel handles this shit.

And her style's like...
resort meets brothel.

That's perfect for a nursery.

You guys start picking out cribs?

Crib, singular.

We're down a fetus. I miscarried.

- Shit.
- It's okay.

I mean, yeah, it sucks, but

we hadn't figured we'd
both get pregnant.

Least now I can drink. Got any beer?

Yeah, go help yourself.

Well, how's Mel taking it?

I haven't told her yet.

Maybe I'll eat smoked salmon
and raw eggs in front of her,

and see if she notices.

"Hey, stranger."

Picking up some chairs for a client.

"Wanna join and grab some
furniture for your flat?"

Is that Ford?

Say yes. He's like a furniture savant.

So the last time I saw him,

we kissed, and then he threw me out.

Well, said he had to work.

I have never waited this
long for someone to bang me.

It's kind of fun, weirdly.

For now.

Guy better be an animal in bed.

I wouldn't know.

I closed my eyes and
pictured Scarlett Johansson.

But I've heard glowing accounts.

Well, if I find out before I'm 40,

I'll let you know.

Any bites yet?

Maybe we should change
her profile description.

What does it say now?

"Sassy Russian exprostitute"

seeks single geriatric male

"with piles of money and
a terminal illness."

Subtle.

Guy named Gerald seems interested.

Luxury cigar importer.

Hey, guess what we're doing.

I can find my own rich husband.

We know that you can, but
if a wealthy cigar importer

comes into The Alibi
tonight, it won't kill you

to smile and have a drink.

What is the point of smiling?

Make other people feel good.

I make people feel good other ways.

Yes, you do.

But there are some situations where
hand jobs are not appropriate.

American midcentury modern.

That's cool.

Reference to the Danish
design movement of the 1950s.

Try it.

It's comfy.

- Not sure it's me though.
- Says who?

You get to choose that.
That's what design is for.

Decide who you want to be.

Thank you.

- What the fuck was that?
- Greek.

I lived in a monastery in
Macedonia for a while.

Of course you did.

And I just scored you a
$2,000 chair for 450,

which is insane.

I'm not gonna spend $450 on a chair.

It's not a chair.

It's an investment in your future self.

How much that building cost you?

It was a lot more than I had.

Why'd you buy it then?

You're good.

- Hi.
- Hi. Inmate's name?

It's, Clyde Youens.

I'm sorry, he's deceased.

What?

There was an incident.
He didn't survive.

W... when?

Tuesday.

Next of kin was contacted
and the body was claimed.

Next.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Here for Paddy, 4629...

They're kicking him out of
the hospital in the morning.

And how is this my problem?

He fell. I didn't push him.

He worked six hours,
he'll get his 150 bucks

when the job is done and I get paid.

That's how this works.

We're not leaving this spot
until we get out our money.

Whatever!

Sorry to bother you.

Do you mind if my kids
use your bathroom?

Sure.

We love you, Ian!

There he is. Look, it's Ian.

- Ian! Ian!
- Can you come to our...

- What's up, guys?
- My boyfriend is gonna flip.

He can't stop talking about you.

Could you, record a message for him?

His name's Nico James.

Mr. Gallagher, hi, I'm Reverend Murphy.

I'm a pastor at Trinity
and Life Evangelical...

We don't need any more ministers,

but if you want to give
money, that'd be cool...

I'm not here for me.

Some folks from my church
wanted to meet you.

This is Alice.

Her parents put her through
conversion therapy twice.

She has something for you.

Go on, honey.

Wow.

That, tha...

You drew this? Thank you.

Can you, like, heal people?

I'm a paramedic, so...

Well, when are you gonna
perform your next miracle?

No, I don't perform miracles.

Do you... I'm sorry, I
only saw the one video.

- What is your ministry, again?
- I don't have one.

I just kind of show up

to these conversion things
and argue with assholes.

I... lead meetings at this youth
center if you guys want...

My boyfriend needs help.

Could you talk to him?

Well, lookee here, Mr. Popularity.

- Mr. Viral Sensation.
- Okay.

Mr. King of the Queens.

Kind of hoping they'll lose interest.

Yeah, well, there's more and
more of them every day.

They're blocking the garage door.

I'm gonna have to park the ambulance

outside by the curb so
I don't accidentally

run somebody over.

What do they even want?

Guess they just want to be seen by...

someone who sees 'em back.

Please.

Looks to me like they want
to douse you in syrup

and slurp you up with a spoon.

Could be down for that.

That chair suits you.

Might be the first time
I bought something

I didn't actually need.

Beautiful, functional everyday objects

should be affordable.

My idea of affordable
is looting the house

of the neighbor who just OD'd
so I don't gotta buy new shit.

I've got an old coffee maker
that needs a loving home.

Ooh. Now you're talking.

Maybe I'll come by your place later?

- Pick it up?
- I got plans tonight.

I'll drop it off tomorrow.

How long have they been in there?

About 20 minutes.

Are they bathing?

I think they might be.

Why would they do that?

You think they're homeless?

Jesus, you startled me.

I didn't think anybody else had keys.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Lip. Um.

Phillip Gallagher.

Who are you?

I'm... I'm Tabitha, his daughter.

I... um, are you a student?

No, I was.

I was helping him after the accident.

Accident? I thought he
was arrested for a DUI.

You know what? It's okay. I
don't even want to know.

Jesus Christ, this week.

You... you do know he's dead, right?

What happened?

He had, a seizure.

Alcohol withdrawal. Hit his head.

- Jesus.
- Yeah.

There's a memorial service tomorrow,

and the students are welcome to
say a few words if you like.

No one told me.

The school said they sent out an email.

III'm sorry, who are you again?

I picked up your dad... from jail,

after the DUI.

I bought him groceries. I...

Did he pay you?

No, he didn't pay me.

He... covered the cost of my rehab.

And he got me an internship.

Hehe tried to convince the
school to revoke my expulsion.

He listened to me. He...

listened to me about everything.

Well, glad you were so
wellparented by my dad.

Look, II have this covered.

You can leave your key on the way out.

Thanks.

Sure.

Here you are, sir.

On the house.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

Our elders are a precious resource.

Thanks for staying alive.

I'll drink to that.

My, my.

You must be Svetlana.

Wow. What a knockout.

Good evening, ma'am.

May I procure you a cocktail?

Vodka.

Your profile was,

quite provocative.

You were an escort for
a time, weren't you?

Hand whore.

Occasional cocksucking and fucking.

What is your name?

- Gerald.
- "Gerald."

Sounds like bald man
drowning in hot soup.

There you are, m'lady.

What would it run me if,

you and I were to take a
walk out to my vehicle

and you were to keep me
company for 30 minutes?

$900,000.

Forty bucks.

And you take off your shoes
so I don't get any...

dirt on my seat.

Could've gone worse.

Don't know how.

It sucks when people use God as
an excuse for their own hatred,

and when it's your
family, it's the worst.

Look,

I know you don't want
to hurt your parents,

but sometimes they forget.

God creates us all in his own image.

We gotta jog their memory.

If they believe that God hates
the same people as they do,

well, they're creating
God in their image.

That's right. That's right.

We all have a Holy Spirit.

We're all holy.

We're all divine...

Jesus, listen to that.

I know. He's like a prophet.

And he's super hot too.

Like hot gay Jesus.

"Hot gay Jesus."

Bet we can make money off of that.

How?

Ring the right bell
for the right causes,

the guiltridden pry open their wallets.

It's Pavlovian.

Righteousness is very marketable.

What's that all about?

Just a queer religious rebellion

led by your gay brother. No biggie.

We all have the Trinity inside of us.

I'd like to read a
passage from Romans now.

- Who are we hiding from?
- The union workers.

We gotta wait till they
leave for the night.

- How do we get paid?
- Cash.

We meet tomorrow, location TBA,

and they'll text the address.

My God. This is so exciting.

Everybody, let's go, let's go.

OMG. That was amazing.

Your brother is, like, everything.

And they all ate my popovers.

God, I am really fucking happy.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

But are you, like, really fucking happy

or are you just, like, meh?

I'm really fuckin' happy.

Yay.

- Hey, what you writing?
- A list.

"Swiss Army knife, stun gun,

retractable night stick,"
whatwhat is this shit?

List for school. Give it back.

Wait, military school?

You said that you weren't going back.

We're engaged!

I never said I wasn't going back.

I've been packing my
duffel bag all week.

I'm sorry.

I guess I've been just too busy

buying your fuckin' family shit

andand making a fucking life for us.

Meanwhile, you've just
been shitting all over it.

Why did we even bother getting engaged?

Why did I fucking cut myself for you?

We'll make it work, you'll come visit.

- We'll scout motels.
- Motels?

What am I, a prostitute?

No, I never said that!

You are so full of shit, Carl!

- You don't even love me!
- Of course I love you!

Well, you don't love me enough!

Then how do I prove it to you?

Um, you're not supposed to ask

how you prove to love somebody,
you should just prove it.

Well, obviously it's not fuckin' enough.

Yeah, because your real goal is

to go back to military school.

Of course that doesn't make
me think that you love me!

I want you to stay here

and be my husband!

Reverend Murph,

this is my sister Fiona.

- Pleasure.
- Hi.

I'm super impressed, dude.

The only way I can get that many people

is if I offer free pizza.

No, it's just 'cause of that video.

No. You got something, man.

Bunch of folks who couldn't make it

already messaged me about the next one.

I definitely can't
fit more people in here

than I did tonight.

Would you feel weird about
using our parish hall?

No pressure.

Just shoot me a text when you decide,

I'll send you the address.

Thanks for the beer.

How's the new place?

Small. Quiet.

I bought a chair.

Your, fellowship thing

seems to be doing well.

First Gallagher to become
famous for something

other than larceny or assault.

Ha, yeah.

It's...

it's getting pretty out of hand.

I got people showing up at my home,

church place, work.

I had to shut down my Facebook page.

So why not quit if you hate it so much?

I don't.

Just... trying to manage it.

She's back to flipping out
again about military school.

Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.

Wait, you're actually engaged?

- I thought that was a joke.
- Don't marry her.

I can't lose her.

She's fun, hot,

rich, hot.

She loves me.

No one's ever loved me this hard.

Do not marry her, okay?

She is a fucking psycho.

Marry her.

Hear me and heed me.

Do not let that frothing piece
of lady meat out of your sight.

She has a trust fund.

Get joint checking.

And whatever you do,
do not sign a prenup.

Hey.

It's Gay Jesus.

Can I have this?

Hey! Scabs!

- Go, go!
- Fuckin' run!

- Fuck!
- Get back here!

Debbie! Debbie, run!

Come here, you motherfucker!

Hey!

How ya feeling?

Like shit.

Sorry to hear that.

Your boss emailed me.

He finished the job, sent me an invoice.

Probably want to track him
down so you can get paid.

Thanks for the heads up.

Okay. You did really well last night.

However, we need to tone
down the rage a little.

You're not gonna get
anywhere if your date thinks

you want to murder him the
second he ties the knot.

- What if I do?
- Great question.

Which brings us to Part A
of our plan, etiquette.

Rich guys are old school.

They want a lady to be a lady.

A man wants to feel powerful.

Really powerful.

So let him dominate the conversation.

Act like he's totally fascinating.

I cannot do this.

Okay, this brings us
to Part B of our plan.

This is a tiny microphone.
Attach it to your shirt.

This is a tiny earpiece.
Put this in your ear.

Come on, Svet. You're Russian.

This is spy shit. It's in your DNA.

Testing, testing. Can you hear me?

You are right there.

I meant in the thingy.

Can you hear me?

Yes.

Okay. Do everything I say.

Scratch your nose.

Tuck your hair behind your ear.

Excellent.

Say, "Kevin Ball has a sexy voice."

Why should I lie?

Say it.

Kevin Ball has a sexy voice.

What the fuck was that last night?

I never said it was riskfree.

You also never said

we'd be running for our lives.

Why'd they hire us instead
of hiring their own guys?

Scabs are nonunion.

Union guys get overtime,
pension, health.

So we're screwing over a union
we want to join someday?

If we don't take the
work, someone else will.

It's wrong and it's dangerous.

I'm never being a scab again.

Hey, just got a tip for another gig.

Pays even more.

Five hundred.

I'm in.

Hi.

What you got there?

Free appliance.

Works great if you're patient.

Is that a shitty, old percolator?

It's Italian. It's art.

Hey.

What are you guys still doing here?

We can't leave.

Rodney won't fit in
the car with his leg.

Plus, our AC is busted.

You know anybody with an SUV?

Or I can take you somewhere.
Where you headed?

Is there, some
family you can stay with

or maybe an old neighbor?

We've been looking
into some charity housing,

but they all have a wait list.

I know someone who works
with local shelters.

I can ask him if he maybe knows
a place that could take you.

- Wow, you'd do that?
- Sure.

- Hey.
- What the fuck?

Hey, baby.

You cut up all my uniforms?

Well, I weighed out the pros and cons,

and I made a decision for our family.

I think that it's better for everyone

that you don't go back to school.

We have a wedding to plan.

Kassidi.

Don't say my name like that.

- Kassidi...
- Do not

say my name like that, I mean it, Carl.

Kassidi, this is not a joke!

I am going back to military school.

I hate you!

Hey!

Fuck. Wait!

You can't leave me! I'll die!

Hey, what the fuck!
You're not gonna die!

We're gonna see each
other like once a week!

- I can't!
- Open up the door!

- I need you!
- What the fuck? You kidding me?

This engagement is bullshit!

What? What the fuck?

I paid like 100 bucks for that!

- Fuck you!
- Come on!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

My God! What do you want me to do?

Marry me before you leave, dumb-ass.

You love me, right?

Then what's the point in waiting?

Okay, fine.

- Today?
- Yeah, sure.

But... do you have a fake ID?

Yeah.-

- Hey.
- Hey.

Where's Ian?

I don't know. I haven't seen him.

Fuck.

He was supposed to be here like
an hour ago to help set up.

Doing this thing about careers
in emergency services

for our Life Skills program.

Shitton of people signed
because of him, but...

whatever. What's up?

One of the guys

who was working on my roof got hurt.

He's gonna be out of
work for a few months,

and his family's living out of a car.

I was wondering if you might know any

family shelters that could take him?

Um, I might, actually. Follow me.

So, what's your
take on this whole,

Ian ambushing all those ministers?

Not really sure what to make of it.

Yeah.

I mean, part of me is psyched

that he's helping people, but

another part is, I don't know,

kind of bummed that I have to
crowbar my way into his life

if I want to see him.

This place is decent.

I'll call over and get
everything squared away

and let you know.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

And, hey, if you see Ian, please...

- Yes.
- Thank you.

Will do.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

The fuck is this, Frank?

Son, I don't think I've articulated

how impressed I am with
your recent endeavors.

I knew you were talented, but...

"The Church of Gay Jesus."
Is this a jumbo shirt?

To reach the masses,

you've got to embrace merchandising

to take your brand to the next level.

How about Tshirts proudly
displaying your message?

Well, II don't have a church.

And I'm not fuckin' Jesus.

Tongue in cheek, son.

When you repurpose aan iconic logo

for thethe sake of kitsch,

you present an ironic critique
of American consumerism.

And if that logo

just happens to resemble a...

giant, throbbing penis,

what could be more counterculture?

It looks like a hot dog.
And the lettering sucks.

Revolutions don't come
wrapped in a cute ribbon.

You want to bring down power structures?

You want to get in the face of people

who are peddling corroded ideals?

You need a uniform that
screams authenticity.

We didn't pay Chinese factory orphans

three cents an hour to make these.

No, this is our living room.

Our hands. Our sweat.

Talk about grassroots.

I have a meeting tonight at
Trinity and Life Evangelical.

You can hawk your shit there, but

everything you make has
to go to Trevor's kids.

Come on! This is my retirement fund.

Twenty percent.

Thirty?

Okay, 95 percent, and we
appreciate your business.

And this has been a rough few years.

Needless to say, it
hasn't been that easy

being around my dad.

But my favorite memory of him

is this thing that he would do.

So he would be in his office,

hunched over paperwork, and I'd knock.

And he'd look up, confused.

And then, boom.

It's the... the biggest, warmest smile.

That is the version of my dad
that I'm going to remember.

And I'm grateful for every moment

that I had with him

when he was just him.

You hear about these professors
who go the extra mile

to help a student.

But what Youens did for me
went above and beyond that.

Got me my first real job.

Listened to me bitch about my family.

He was there for me.

He got me internships,

wrote dozens of letters
of recommendation,

personally called the
dean at Carnegie Mellon

to get me into the
robotics doctoral program.

Told me once, he wished
he'd been a poet.

And he showed me something he'd written.

Said I was the only person

he trusted enough to show.

That poem was awful.

And no matter how busy he was,

Youens always made time to talk to me.

He helped me with whatever I needed,

listen, offer advice, wise counsel.

Day or night, it didn't matter,

when you called or knocked on his door,

he always answered.

Always.

He was like a father to me.

I honestly don't know where
I'd be without him today.

He invested his time and
energy to make sure

I didn't become a total fuckup.

He didn't have to.

I'm still not sure why he did.

Okay. My friend found you a place.

It's a family shelter.

They'll have a room for you in two days.

Girls, we've got a place to live.

They can take us in two days, you said?

We've got the tarp
if it rains again.

Why don't you just stay
here for two nights?

Really?

Yeah. Not a problem.

I'll just, I'll
crash at my old place.

My God, Fiona.

Thank you. You're a lifesaver.

We should go get a blanket
and a bottle of champagne,

go in the park, and lay in
the grass as man and wife,

and let the moon and the
stars bless our union.

Cute!

Now serving, 103.

Yay! That's us.

Okay, come on.

All set.

Your marriage license is valid
for 60 days in Cook County only.

There's a oneday waiting period

before the license becomes effective.

Wait. So we can't get married today?

You can get married at
this exact time tomorrow.

What the fuck? This sucks.

I look like a fucking First Lady.

Here.

Go cross your legs

and pretend to be captivated.

Smokey to Bobcat.

Do you hear me? Over.

What are you guys up to?

We're trying to get Svetlana
married off to a rich dude.

So...

you just gave 'em your
place, just like that?

What else was I supposed to do?

Man, I was really digging
my quiet mornings

away from Gallagher chaos.

And it's extra bad right now

'cause of lan's gay messiah shit.

He should read Pope Leo the 13th's

encyclical on property rights.

I'll pass it on.

You know, whiskey is actually

clear when it comes off the still.

It gets the caramel color
from the barrel...

You know, I'm just... I'm
just gonna say this.

Sometimes it feels like

it doesn't even matter
that I'm sitting here.

I know all the places you've lived.

I know all the languages you speak.

I've met your exes, your
baby mamas, your spawn.

And yet, you have never asked
one question about me.

Did you know that I became

legal guardian of my
siblings when I was 23?

Or that I dropped out of high school,

but then I got back and I got my GED?

Yes, actually, I did.

And I know you did it to
convince your genius brother

who's a recovering alcoholic
to stay in college.

I know you got left at the
altar by your junkie fiancé

with whom you were very much in love.

- How?
- 'Cause I ask around.

There's some other stuff I know.

You're fiercely protective
of your family.

You're generous.

Like today, for example,

you gave your apartment
to a homeless family.

You are so very much yourself.

You don't even have to try.

And frankly, you scare the
fuckin' shit out of me.

It's him. It's him.

Svet, Svet.

The buzzard is in the tuba.
The buzzard is in the tuba.

- The what?
- I have no idea.

I've never done this before.

What's she saying?

I can't hear anything.

I can't hear anything. We
never tested the microphone.

All right, well, she needs to relax.

Tell her to lean in a little.

Svetlana, lean in a little.

Too far. Too Far.

Too far. Too far.

Take a sip of your drink.

Sip, not gulp.

Tell her toto ask him about something.

All right. All right.

All right, Svet.

Ask him about his mother.

No, not his mother.

Ask him about his favorite sports teams.

Allergies... What the hell

do people talk about on dates?

Did she just drop her
earpiece in her drink?

No.

She's gonna grab his cock, isn't she?

Called that one.

Tshirts!

Each garment has been
worn by the man himself.

- And blessed!
- Tshirts.

$50 suggested donation.

The white one? Okay. Thank you.

Tshirts, Tshirts.

Tshirts, get your Tshirts here!

Nice turnout.

Only half of them are regulars.

You did great.

I just sat there while
people talked about

how horribly they'd been treated,

by family, coworkers...

Can you please sign this, please?

- Strangers.
- Thank you.

Sometimes that's all they need.

Tomorrow's our weekly service...

- Thanks so much.
- Where we invite speakers

to come up and discuss how to turn

personal pain into positive action.

We call it "A Night of Good Grief."

The name is silly, but the idea isn't.

You up for it?

Well...

I don't... know what to say
that hasn't already been said.

You say it again.

It can't be said enough,
not until queer kids

stop being told there's
something wrong with them.

It was so worth it.

Fuck!

Hey.

Hey.

We need to talk.

What? What?

You gotta promise not to freak out.

I promise.

Okay. First of all.

You're, like, the best thing
that's ever happened to me

like, by like a bazillion.

But when we were at the clerk's office,

and she said we had to wait...

I was relieved.

A little.

'Cause I feel like we rushed into this.

And I totally want you to be my wife,

my little sweetie boo.

Would you hate me

if we stayed engaged a teeny bit longer?

Until we're both

no doubt, positively sure we're ready?

I could never hate you.

- For real?
- Yeah.

And thank you for being honest with me.

That's, like, super important
for a healthy marriage.

You are awesome.

I love you.

I love you too.

Okay, okay.

Okay, now.

You're getting pretty good at that.

Fourth time's the charm.

Well,

two left.

Better hope you tire out soon.

Do you think I'm the
only person on Earth

who doesn't want your babies?

I don't want my babies.

That's why I keep letting
other people have them.

I dig this candid version of you.

Now... ask me something about myself.

What's the one thing
about Fiona Gallagher

that might surprise me?

That's a tough one.

You seem to have me all figured out.

That's my gift.

How about...

I think I might not want to have kids.

But you're a woman.
How is that possible?

Well, my siblings are my kids.

It's Nessa.

I'm supposed to be analyzing

your skills and reporting back.

And how am I doing so far?

Overall positive.

Happy to give you more data.

Hi. Can I call you back later?

You're fucking kidding me.

- Thanks for the heads up.
- Any time.

FYI, they just dragged in two
sleeping bags and a pullup bar.

Hello?

Hi.

Now, everyone, this is the lady

who has been helping us.

This is, my sister,

my cousin, his wife, and their son.

What's going on?

They're paying us to crash here

so we'll have some cash for the shelter.

Fuck! My chair!

Ooh, sorry about that.

Good thing it's an old chair, right?

Hey. Sorry about last night.

Something came up last
minute, and I'm trying

to juggle everything but
it's snowballing and...

And I...

Hey.

- Yeah.
- It's snowballing.

I had like 40 people show up
to this meeting yesterday.

Yeah, and I had 50 kids show up

to a career symposium
about being a paramedic.

But... I guess since yours is
about God, you win, right?

- Hey, hey, Ian.
- One second, guys.

I'm helping people in need, same as you.

Are you saying it's only
cool when it's your idea?

I don't ask a lot of you.

This was one thing that
was important to me.

You know, maybe what
you're doing is worth

pissing off the people
that care about you.

That's fine.

But don't insult me

by acting like it's not happening.

Hi.

You didn't speak at the service.

I was gonna, but...

everything I was gonna
say was already said.

Sorry for your loss.

Yeah, I lost him a long time ago.

Still doesn't make it easy.

He was a good dad, just, um,

not to me.

I guess it's easier to be

kind to somebody who looks up to you.

Hey, um,

I found this going
through his paperwork.

It's a draft of a recommendation letter.

Thought you might want it.

You know, in all of his
years of teaching,

I never heard him talk
about a student like that.

He says he's amazed by your mind.

You don't want to keep it?

I think I'm too angry to keep it.

Kass?

Where you at?

Babe?

Kass!

You saved my life!

- You really do love me!
- Yeah.

What time is it?

Like 4:00?

The County Clerk's
office is open til 5:00.

That your new chair?

Why's it over here?

So that the pile of assholes who
are squatting in my apartment

won't destroy it.

Who aren't actually assholes.

They're just poor and broke

and taking advantage of the situation.

Just like I've done 100 times.

And they aren't squatting.

I told them that they could stay there.

Did you just get this pic from Kassidi?

Yeah.

"Birth, marriage, death."

What the hell is that?

- I think they got hitched.
- What?

Yeah, I told him not to.

Not legally, right? She's, like, 15.

Hey.

Can I get a ride to this church?

Supposed to speak at this
thing, and I don't know.

Kinda scared shitless. I mean...

I don't do speeches.

So don't do it.

Sorta feel like I have to.

Everyone thinks that I
have something to say.

What if I don't?

When they're gone, they're gone,
folks, so don't miss out.

All profits go to help
gays across the planet.

Can you give me just one second?

Are we really gonna give
all of our money to Ian?

No, of course not.

Thank you so much for waiting.
Gay Jesus loves and blesses you.

Get your Tshirts here!
Don't miss out, folks.

We're runnin' out. Tshirts.

Shit. No wonder you're nervous.

Did you know that all these
people were gonna be here?

- No.
- Hey.

They all came for you.

Isn't this amazing?

So I just wanna start out
by saying that I'm no hero.

I'm just a guy who keeps showing up

to these antigay churches
and hearing shit like,

"God created man and woman."

You either look like a man or a woman.

"Don't... bring us any
of your other shit."

So they're essentially saying,

"Don't make me work too hard

"to see you on your own terms," right?

But we have the Godgiven
right to be who we are.

Not who others want us to be.

So when they say shit like,

"Don't use fake words like nonbinary

"or genderfluid,
ciswhatever," it's like...

Those are my terms, bitch.

Yep.

Which means we have to be so big,

so noisy...

that there's nowhere else to look.

And we do it in God's name because...

Because God hates haters.

I spotted 12 safety violations.

No wonder they pay so much.

I think I'm gonna bail.

I gotta stick it out. I need the cash.

Hey, could you grab me a clip light?

Can barely see anything I'm doing.

Okay.

Debbie!

Call 911!

Hi.

This fucking day, man.

Find Svetlana a man?

No, she grabbed the guy's cock.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Not taking her home to meet Mom.

Where you coming from?

Church.

Ian has a cult.

- A what?
- Yeah.

They think he's Gay Jesus.

Looking for Fiona Gallagher.

That's me.

You've been served.

"As a result of one or more acts"

by defendant L. Donner and
defendant F. Gallagher,

plaintiff R. Latham has been injured,

"damaged, and incapacitated."

Who the fuck is R. Latham?

Rodney.

The dude that fell off your roof?

He's suing you?

"Plaintiff demands judgment
against defendants

in the sum of $6 million."

Motherfucker.

Motherfucker!