Shameless (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Pimp's Paradise - full transcript

Jesus Christ, it's a simple question.
Who can tell me what happened on Shameless last week?
I know you were watching last week
instead of doing your quantum physics homework.
What about you?
Any of you deadbeats watch what happened last week?
Grandma!
Queenie?
I was looking for this chubby little menace.
Good to see you.
Come on, let's do it.
Take your pants down.
We still need a volunteer to host the--
the foster child we're receiving this morning.
- We'll take him. - What?
We're here.
Well, the good Lord gave us
a few more refugees than we expected.
Since I've been sick, I haven't been much use.
There's no shame in having help.
- She was dying. - Now she's not.
There's no way they're gonna keep a nanny if Erica's healthy.
You got to find another way in.
I try to find the secret life in things.
Can I kiss you?
Klimt. I got it for you.
Those paintings I mentioned.
Prepare to have your mind blown.
If she loses her job because of me,
she-- she-- she's never gonna want to see me again.
What, that's how you want to end this?
Don't follow me. Don't text me.
Gus wouldn't sign.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Buy back the house.
Yo, what'd you do?
Why?
♪ think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ round up the friends you got ♪
♪ know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ started out with nothin', Pops wasn't there ♪
♪ how the fuck I'm 'posed to breath and I ain't got air? ♪
♪ how I got here, Lord only knows ♪
♪ thank God I used my mind ♪
♪ instead of fuckin' with these hos ♪
♪ I'm out here bookin' shows ♪
♪ gettin' sponsors for my clothes ♪
♪ livin' like I suppose ♪
♪ fuck it, anything goes ♪
♪ I'm tryin' to cop a Rolls ♪
♪ they say money make you handsome ♪
♪ life in the Hills, 30 rooms in a mansion... ♪
Give it to me, Mama.
Ooh, yeah. Every little ripple.
- That's it. - Oh... oh.
That's it. That's it, Frankie, baby.
Right there.
Oh, Frankie. Oh, oh.
Whistle, baby, whistle-- ah!
Oh, yeah, I gotcha.
I got you.
Pedro, I want that delivery here in an hour.
If not, somebody gon' get docked.
Ah, ah, okay. Okay, go!
♪ I'm the only one standing ♪
♪ the only thing left, yes ♪
Mm.
Mm, mm, mm.
Your mouth would be a much better alarm.
Ah, well, hit snooze and let's double our luck.
- I got to get back. - Oh.
I got to not let you get back.
This has been really nice,
past couple of nights.
No kids. No chaos.
- But... - You need the chaos?
I need to check on some things.
Mm.
Something's going on with Carl.
He's acting like he owns the place,
which, I guess he kind of does.
Mm.
Does Frank still have that hippie over there?
Ugh, yeah, doing God knows what.
Well, no hippies here.
Just me and you.
Mm.
- I got to pick Liam up. - Mm-hmm.
- Take him to Head Start. - Mm-hmm.
Can I get a ride?
If I can get a ride first.
What's ten more minutes?
Okay.
Breakfast, my offspring.
Who wants to join Papa and Queenie for some morning fuel?
Mmm.
Cleans your insides, Frankie.
Smells like you wouldn't know a colon cleanse
if it ran right through your cute little rectum.
Thank you, my confederate Queen.
Rest of these ingrates could care less
about the state of my colon, but not you.
Well, you're the king of your castle, Frankie.
Don't let those young uns forget who's papa.
I'm glad someone finally recognizes that.
And you're still a sexy fucker.
I got a brand-new liver.
I'm as good as 18 again.
Ah, hell of a stud you were at that age.
You could do things with your tongue
that would make a rattlesnake blush.
- Whoo! - Best sexual era of my life.
Mm.
South Side was never so bright
as the day you crossed the Mason-Dixon Line
and came into my loins.
And now, it's 18-year-old déjà vu all over again.
Oh, just temporary, Frankie.
The grandson's probation papers should be coming through
in the next three days, and then it is back
to the Eco Village for Chuckie and me.
That's nonsense.
What do they got on a farm we don't have here?
Eco-conscious living.
Everything is solar powered.
Working out there as an herbalist.
- An herbalist? - Yeah, organic farming.
It's not like all this urban wasteland that you have here.
I finally found my calling, Frankie.
Helping and healing people, that's what I do.
You can't leave now.
We're having too much fun.
What's a king without a Queenie by his side?
Well, them's the rules of free love, Frankie.
Mwah. Mama is a rollin' stone.
Now drink up.
Wow.
What time is it?
Twenty minutes till your class starts.
Well, seems we have properly drowned our woes.
You'll have to teach class today.
Uh, I think I'm still wasted.
Sign of a successful evening in the cups.
What say we handle this professionally?
I'll flip you for it.
All right. You got a coin?
Oh, I got it.
Uh, heads or tails?
- Tails. - Okay.
You're up.
Oh, son of a bitch.
♪ I think about the big dollars ♪
♪ big money, the big life ♪
♪ I know you wanna live just like me ♪
♪ champagne sippin' with these bitches in the fast lane ♪
♪ wish you could see this life I lead ♪
♪ big dollars, big money, the big life ♪
♪ I know you wanna live just like me ♪
Uh, excuse me.
What the hell are you doing?
- Who are you? - This is my house.
- The owner approved everything. - The owner?
Mr. Gallagher.
Frank, you ordered all this stuff?
Wrong Mr. Gallagher.
Your young brother's responsible for all of these improvements.
Carl?
Only one around here
I see making an honest living.
I need for someone to sign this liquor shipment.
That would be me, sir.
What's a father for if not to help his son
acquire life's liquid pleasures?
Uh, what are you doin' in my room?
Shit. Thought you moved out.
Oh, I didn't.
Carl kicked me out, and yours was empty.
Couch is still free.
Where you want these at, Mr. Gallagher?
Right over there with the rest of the shipments.
Hey, yo, tell your boss, next time,
if he ain't got any peach vodka,
I'ma find myself a new distributor.
What the hell is goin' on?
Upgrading the crib since it's technically mine now.
Uh, not with my name on the deed, it's not.
My money, it is.
Got some homies comin' over later to kick it.
Place gon' be popping. You feel me?
Oh, yeah, we feel you.
Your homey Nick put you up to this?
- Yeah, Nick's gone. - Where?
You guys get in a fight or somethin'?
I got to bounce.
If you ever need to talk, just give me a holler.
Yeah, thanks, Dr. Phil, but I'm good.
Frank gets a bedroom
and I get the fucking couch.
Yeah? No fucking way.
Ugh. Fuck!
Well, we could just stay at my place tonight.
I just got us the house back.
I'm not getting booted out.
God damn it.
You awake?
Hi, first time I've had the energy to cook in forever.
Um, I can go start on the kids' lunches.
Uh, no, um...
We need to talk.
Is everything okay?
I want you to know that it's been great having you here,
and I'll always appreciate how much you helped our family.
Oh, well, I really love being here.
Feels like home.
Um...
I put a bonus in your last check
just to thank you for all that you've done.
I really-- I wish that we could keep you,
but with my cancer in remission, we really can't afford it.
What, you're-- you're letting me go?
Just like that?
What about my baby?
What about you and me?
Oh.
Wow. Oh, my gosh.
- What-- is it the baby? - Oh.
Did it kick?
First time ever.
You want to feel it?
Okay.
Um...
You're so cool,
and I really wish we could bond more.
Do you think maybe
we could talk about it later when the kids aren't around?
Just us girls?
Of course.
Of course we can.
All right, pack it in there,
God's little army.
We still got one more pickup before we hit the road.
Tell God we deserve an extra stash for His little army.
These rug rats ate us out of house and home.
You better pray on it, 'cause that's
the only way you getting more cash.
The church is tapped, honey.
Reverend Michaels drives a brand-new Bimmer
and flashes that tacky gold watch
every time he waves hello.
Don't you be bad-mouthing Reverend Michaels.
The good Lord wants us to be prosperous.
Rewards the devout with all sorts of heavenly gifts.
Earthly ones too.
The man wears $1,000 suits and Gucci loafers.
What's this?
To keep you safe.
Oh, a shiv.
Gonna miss our little bouncers.
No mass murders, kids.
- Well, back to peace and quiet. - Peace, my ass.
House full of kids, no bonus? No paid vacation?
God better be handing out charity rebates.
- Hey. - Hungry?
I am now. What you got?
Pancakes, eggs, and sausage. Whatever you like.
You offering me morning sausage?
Ah, shit.
Am I interrupting something?
Makin' a wedding gift for my cousin.
No big deal.
Looks cool.
- Want to touch it? - The flower?
Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Yeah, my cousin won't appreciate it,
but I don't care.
It's all in the giving.
You heading to the firehouse today?
I was hoping I could tag along.
No, took it off for the wedding.
Whole family in attendance.
Should be fun.
Oh.
Okay.
You thought any more about applying?
To be a fireman?
Yeah, why not?
I don't know where I'd start, honestly.
You start as a EMT.
I could help you apply.
Yeah?
Sure. What do you have to lose?
Yeah, maybe.
I should go. Let you get ready.
Hey, listen-- listen, um,
I don't know if it's too weird or whatever,
but would you want to be my wedding date?
My family's a bit much, but I think
you'd make the whole thing a lot more fun.
All you got to do
is eat whatever my Aunt Francine offers you
and dance with me when Rihanna comes on.
I can do that.
Wassup, my dude? How you feeling?
Hey, wassup? Chillin'.
Word on the yard is, we all bouncin' after fourth period
and postin' up at yo' crib.
- Yeah, no doubt. - Yo, I heard you got
that recording studio and whatnot.
You gonna let your boy get up on the mic?
You can't spit, dawg.
Shut up, dude. I got some bars.
Yeah, no worries. I got you on the mic.
I also got that puff, puff, pass for that ass too.
But y'all got to bring some homies through.
Place gon' be bumpin'.
Like a pimp's paradise.
That's what's up. Catch you later, fam.
- Peace. - Chill.
Phillip Gallagher here to see you, Miss Taylor.
Thank you, Toria. Send him in.
I got this letter in my mailbox.
Says I'm terminated as a resident assistant?
Does this have somethin' to do with me and Professor Runyon?
This has nothing to do with Professor Runyon.
This is about you vandalizing dorm property.
Vandalizing?
Painting on the walls of your room.
That's not allowed.
Okay, well, where am I supposed to live?
I'm sorry.
You'll need to remove your things from the dorm today.
Kid, what are you doing here?
- They sent me home from school. - Well, beat it.
Your grandma and I are gonna get into some action.
No cock-blocking.
Hey, wait. What's going on here?
Yeah, buddy, who got you all snot-nosed?
Oh, my gosh. Who upset my little woodchuck?
They suspended me.
Well, wh-- you weren't fighting, were you?
You're still on probation.
No.
My teacher wouldn't let me share my book report in class
and sent me to the principal's office.
Well, what for?
Well, it's just a wild guess,
but maybe the report topic.
Mein Kampf.
Hitler's Mein Kampf?
Advanced-level fascism.
I didn't even know the boy could read.
Well, I would have preferred Gandhi,
but it's not your fault.
The juvenile prison system has warped your brain.
Oh, hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, it's okay.
Grandpa and me
can teach you school right here, okay?
D-- no, no, no, no, no,
let's not be hasty.
We shouldn't pull young upchuck out
till he finishes the school year.
He needs social interaction with his peers.
Isolation could wreak havoc on his underdeveloped mind.
- Mm. - Hey, hey, buddy.
You let Grandpa Frank work his magic
on the middle school PC police, okay?
Okay.
Mm.
Chuckles.
- I got a surprise for you. - What's this?
The hotel we're staying at as soon as you pack your bags.
It's got city views overlooking whatever Gary, Indiana,
has to offer, but it's got a pool,
it's got a bar, and we're goin' there.
And check this out-- honeymoon suite.
Baby, you were right. We earned a vacation.
- You planned this yourself? - I wanted to surprise you.
You know, for all the shit that I've been giving you
the past few weeks.
I can't believe you actually organized a trip for me.
Mm.
Wait, who's gonna watch the girls?
I got it covered.
I watch chocolate-vanilla babies, for small fee.
You go vacation.
Baby!
♪ you're pretty good, yeah, but I could do it better ♪
♪ if you wanna let me show you how ♪
- ♪ a one-girl revolution ♪ - ♪ revolution ♪
♪ and I'm a big girl ♪
♪ come on, come on, yeah, give me your attention ♪
♪ 'cause, baby, I'm the ruler now ♪
♪ I'm the queen of the world ♪
♪ yeah, I'm the queen of the world ♪
♪ yeah, I'm the queen of the world ♪
♪ I'm the queen of the world ♪
Carl, hey. Um, I need some help.
Got any tips on gay sex?
What?
Like in juvie or whatever.
I didn't do gay sex in juvie.
No, but, like, what'd you see?
Didn't people talk about it all the time?
I need to figure out how to reverse the instructions.
Or maybe you can't reverse the instructions-- I don't know.
Is there, like, a basic rule or something?
I can't do this right now. I got too much on my mind.
You watch lots of porn, Carl.
What about lesbian sex?
I need details, Carl.
My baby's future depends on it.
- Fine, uh, do the shocker. - The shocker?
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
I'll text you a pic.
Holy shit, someone's in outer space.
OJ in the coffee? Nice.
Shit.
Community college dine and dashers.
We got three out the door and last one ready to break.
Keep watch.
Ow! God damn it.
- Hey. - Fuck.
Hey, careful.
- I like those hands. - I'm a fucking mess.
That stuff at home?
It's like, I stay away for a few nights,
and suddenly I'm in exile.
Family growing pains. It's normal.
Truth is,
I kind of like bein' in the middle of everyone's shit.
You know, is that crazy?
Well, slightly compulsive.
There's no rule that says you got
to stay there every night to be involved.
Apparently there is.
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Patsy's,
call for the missus on line two.
Got it. Thanks.
This is Fiona.
Yes?
Oh... okay.
I'll be right there.
Liam's got lice.
I got to go pick him up at school.
And just like that, you're right back in the shit.
- Feel better? - You mind if I take off?
No, go. We can handle it without you.
You want to come over
for dinner at the house later?
And risk catching lice?
I'm gonna take that as a yes.
Uh-huh. All right. Hey!
My kid had lice.
Nobody gave me time off for it either.
Had to comb it out for two weeks straight.
Two weeks?
$27.50, you little shithead!
And a five-buck tip, cash.
Shitty day, huh?
- Yep. - Heard what happened earlier.
School bureaucracy is such bullshit.
I'm Toria. From Miss Taylor's office?
Oh-- oh, yeah. Hey.
You headed to student housing?
That place is swamped.
No, no, I can't afford it.
You know, it was free when I was an RA.
I'm probably gonna have to move home.
You any good in the kitchen?
The housemother from my sorority
is interviewing for houseboy today.
I thought you might be interested.
Last one knocked up one of the pledges and got booted, so...
Comes with room and board.
I could give you a heads-up if you wanted.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Info's on this flyer.
Thanks.
Hey, wait. What's this?
My handle, if you're ever on Instagram.
You not gonna speak?
Oh, hey.
Okay, you went from being sprung to being stuck up.
You skipping today?
Nah, I've got too much on my mind.
Trying to get my head straight.
Mm.
Where's your bodyguard?
Gone.
Probably for a long time.
Is it okay if I sit here awhile?
Yeah.
That'd be okay.
You hungry?
Don't worry about being the only cream in the coffee.
You're blending perfectly.
Your family knows you're gay, right?
Oh, yeah. They know.
Eat the hell out of that egg.
Aunt Francine will shove it down your throat if you don't.
Mmm. Mmm.
I'm not used to so many relatives
being under the same roof
without the cops chasing someone through the place.
Your family's so functional.
Well, functional can be a tricky little bitch.
Son, were you going to come and greet your mother and I,
or did you think you could avoid us all day?
We just got here.
Mom and Dad, this is Ian.
We met at the firehouse
and have been hanging out lately.
- Hi. - Ian, these are my folks.
Hello.
I'm Ronetta, and this is Pastor Daniels.
Where's your church home, Ian?
Uh-- uh...
I-I don't, uh, have a church home.
Well, Caleb should invite you to come with us sometime.
We'd love to have you.
If you can get him to show up.
Wedding's starting soon. Excuse us.
Your dad's a pastor.
Didn't think about giving me the heads-up on that one?
Hey, nothing I say could really prepare you for any of this,
but don't worry.
You'll have plenty of time to get acquainted
before he plans our homo-exorcism.
Homo-what?
Mr. and Mrs. Slott--
Gallagher for me.
Your grandson Charles tried to read
a very offensive book report to Mr. Schwiebert's class.
The boy doesn't know what he's saying.
Our grandson is a little slow between the ears.
Your grandson seems to believe that he's a Nazi.
Any ideas where he's getting that from?
Most likely other Nazis.
Charles received a suspension as a lesson for his behavior
and a failing grade on the paper.
His shit-for-brains mother couldn't pass gas,
let alone middle school.
My grandson wrote an entire report here
and you're gonna fail him for this?
Hey, I read it.
A couple of grammatical things here and there.
He didn't remember to capitalize Auschwitz,
but the kid can write.
Hitler's diatribe on Aryan superiority
is not an appropriate theme for a sixth grade book report.
Did you tell the class they couldn't write about Nazis?
Well, usually, they're not writing
from the Nazi perspective, so no.
Look, it's okay to write about mass murders.
You just can't side with the mass murderers.
Uh, this is a direct attack on his First Amendment rights,
a right, I might add, that belongs to everyone
regardless of intelligence deficiencies
or possible retardation.
Yes, but there are conditions to those rights,
like yelling "fire" in a public theater
or preaching white supremacy to middle school students.
Look, we simply can't allow Hitler's hate speech
to alienate our diverse student body.
We've worked very hard to create
an open atmosphere for all our students.
Look, you can't go teaching equality
and then get your human rights panties in a bunch
when it comes with a couple of wedgies.
Every asshole is entitled to his beliefs.
That's the yin and the yang of democracy.
It's the same freedom that allows you to teach
wearing that silly beanie
and those Crayola-colored kids out there
to go to school together.
It-- it doesn't matter anyway.
Pretty soon, there's not gonna be any Jew or Aryan
or Hindu or Muslim or Mexican or Blacks.
There's just gonna be the rich
and the fucked,
and our grandson is already one of the fucked.
So at least let the boy express
the degenerate ideas he can actually comprehend,
and that, my multicultural friends,
is liberty and justice for all.
Or we could call the attorney general and the ACLU.
I'm sorry, I probably should have started with that.
I'm Marilyn, the sorority housemother.
You're the young man Toria recommended.
Yeah, yeah, she-- she said you might need some help
in the kitchen.
And the bathroom, laundry room, common areas,
occasionally killing a bug,
maybe being handy with a hammer.
- You think you can handle that? - Sure, yeah.
Uh, she said it came with housing, though.
I-I need a place to crash.
There's a room and a shower
in the basement where you can sleep.
Now, you are not allowed to use the bathroom
on the upper levels; that is a strict policy.
- Understood? - Yea-- uh, sorry.
The room, though, it's here in the house?
Yeah, and three squares a day.
We're backed up for rush,
so if you can start today, you're hired.
Yeah, no, I can-- I can start immediately.
Get settled in. We'll see you at lunch.
Congratulations.
You're the new houseboy of Gamma Delta Rho.
Great.
Oh!
We got a king-size bed. Sweet.
Ooh, you know what, we should take some of these
and then call down for some more later.
Eww!
Sheesh.
What do you think, piss or jizz?
Mm, probably A and B.
Some R. Kelly freaky combo shit.
When'd you pack that?
When I Yelped this place.
What, you packed those too?
DIY, bitches.
Whatever animal hatched up in this piece
is about to get aroma therapied.
All right, baby, look,
from here on out, it is total relaxation for you.
Okay? Please.
Let me take care of everything else.
- You promise? - Of course, baby.
- Okay. - Now, let's go down to the bar.
They got drink specials and free mini hot dogs
and spicy wings until sundown.
How do you always know everything?
- Oh, my God, he's cute. - He's so hot.
Two mugs for me and the lady
and a soda for the retard.
Celebrating a victory in educational democracy.
Democracy can suck my ass.
Fucking Obamacare wins
and the insurance companies still dick ya.
Interesting ritual. For what, might I ask?
I make sterile for mouth.
Tommy's got some rot teeth.
Little shop of horrors here is gonna remove 'em for me.
Tell me, who is this thick gypsy woman I make drinks for?
Fellas and Russian, that southern fried pork chop
is the finest fuck I ever let get away.
The sensations folded in that earthly body are aplenty.
Got yourself a real Dixie chick, huh, Frank?
Woman knows how to treat a fella like royalty.
If not for her, anarchy would rule in my house.
She's the key to my survival around here.
Can't let this one slip away.
Go get 'em, stud.
- For the lady. - Ah.
Frankie, I have to tell you.
You were pretty fantastic at the school today.
Your animal instincts came out.
Got me all moist in the thighs.
Yeah, we make a fine pair of primates, don't we?
What are you talking about?
We're terrible together, Frankie.
Whyever would you say such a thing?
I tried to smash your head in the car door,
not once but twice.
You remember?
Vaguely.
And you told everybody I was nothing but a good fuck
on the washing machine at the Laundromat.
Taken out of context.
Not to mention the fact that you split
after I told you that I was knocked up
with our psychopath daughter.
Sammi has never been fit to raise that boy,
and you're partly to blame.
She's your neglected seed.
I'm more mature now.
Age is love's best refinery.
Give me a second chance to get it right.
Back in the Eco Village, Frankie, I'm the healer.
I have to go where I'm needed most.
Your healing powers could work wonders around here.
As a matter of fact, I know the perfect person
who could use your help.
Have I mentioned to you my impregnated teenage daughter?
You have a pregnant daughter?
As a matter of fact.
Would you excuse me for one second?
Got to check on the poor thing.
I'm all she's got to get her through
this very confusing time.
Quick, I got to borrow a phone.
$2, I loan you cell.
For one lousy text message? Come on.
- Fine, $20. - Oh, come on.
You're such a role model, Debbie.
Your decision to raise a child on your own
is inspiring.
Me?
- Really? - Yeah.
Absolutely.
I didn't have half the strength at 18
that you have.
You're so sure of yourself.
I just know you're gonna go far.
This is nice, right?
Just you and me hanging out together.
It is. I'm gonna miss you.
You-- you promise you'll still come around
and say hello, please.
Oh, Debbie, wait.
I-I really want to stay here.
It can be great for us. I can prove it.
What-- what about Tyler and the kids?
We can all be one big, happy family.
Everyone can get what they want.
What? Wait. No, no, no, Debbie.
Oh, ah!
Debbie, oh, my God, you're so cute.
Oh, my God, you make me feel like I'm 18 again.
Debbie, no, this is crazy.
Oh, my God. No! _
Are we really doing this?
Um, I would just like to announce my resignation.
Also, I'm only 15, and I like boys.
♪ I run this, boy, you ain't better than me ♪
♪ I'm turned up ♪
♪ you ain't got more cheddar than me ♪
- Yay, slide. - No, no, no, no, no slide.
♪ I'm caked up, I'm caked out ♪
♪ when I pull up to the club the rims are shining ♪
♪ diamonds so white got to go to heaven to find them ♪
Excuse me. This is not a motel.
Thank you.
Ugh, Carl, get your homies out of here.
Party's over.
I got shit to take care of.
Yo, I'm not kidding. Liam's got lice.
I got to disinfect the whole house.
It's not my problem.
What is with you right now?
Okay, good boy.
Sit there and don't move, okay?
♪ I'm caked up, I'm caked out ♪
♪ I'm caked up, I'm caked out ♪
Okay.
Party is over now.
Man, let's go. This some bull, yo.
Everybody out.
Bye. Those are my fucking Fritos.
Fucking weak-ass party anyway.
We are happy to join these two
in the sacred bond of holy matrimony.
And we must remember
that God is going to watch
and bless this marriage at all times.
God is always watching at all times.
He's with us behind all closed doors--
in the shower, in the bedroom,
when you are naked, and when you are clothed.
We cannot hide.
Mm.
And so shall these two be blessed
forever under God's...
God must have some serious insomnia.
What do you think, motion of the ocean
or actual penetration?
Mm, tricky.
I'm gonna go with A
and possible B.
You tell my mama to stop by the house
and turn on some lights?
Folks find out we're not home,
our crib will turn into a swap meet.
I got it. Everything's handled.
You call Svetlana and checked on the girls?
Yes, like, a half hour ago. They're perfect.
Will you give me just a little bit of trust?
I got everything handled.
I'm trying to be a hero here.
You're right, babe. I'm tripping.
I'm sure everything's fine.
Whew, come on, Tommy.
You've done this before, right?
Make it quick.
On three.
One...
...two.
- Na Zdorovie. - Oh, fuck.
Something, shit.
What does the duck say?
Quack.
Yeah, he does.
Oh, close your eyes.
♪ playing house ♪
♪ on the sixth of June ♪
♪ finding shelter from the full moon ♪
♪ my brain ♪
Well, at least someone didn't forget her daily chores.
Oh, bite it, Frank.
Liam's got lice.
I already stripped the beds,
put the linens in the wash.
I got to get started with the disinfectant spray.
Oh, honeylamb, chemicals are not the way to go.
Sorry, what?
Tea tree oil-- toxic-free,
runs all those little buggers away,
and it's better for the environment.
Well, I already shampooed him
with the toxic chemicals, but thanks.
Well, you'll end up giving the little one cancer
or a third nipple.
Be organic all you want, but we have a system
for getting rid of lice that actually works.
Been doing it for years.
I told you, I'm handling it.
Little extra help.
Best way to fight nature is with nature.
This is not nature. This is our house.
And nobody around here wants to deal with lice
for an extra month just be to chemical-free.
Come on, Liam, let's get some more chemicals.
Come on.
Decades of pollutants have left her
completely destroyed.
Mm.
- Hello. - Yeah, hi.
I live up the street, and I heard about
what happened here and your loss.
I just wanted to offer my condolences.
There's some money in here and around five grams.
You guys could sell it and maybe it'll help
with the funeral expenses or whatever.
No, thank you. Please leave.
- Hey. - I knew you'd get the job.
Oh, yeah, thanks for the referral.
I'm still trying to figure out exactly what a houseboy is,
but, uh, the pay is cool.
Our sorority throws the best parties.
- Lots of fringe benefits. - All right, good to know.
Hey, um, do you want any company later?
It can get kind of creepy in the basement.
Uh, yeah, yeah, I guess.
Okay, cool.
Cool.
Hello? Anybody here?
Well, if it isn't my knocked-up Deb.
What a pleasant surprise.
Oh, you texted me to come home.
How's my unborn grandchild?
How did we get the house back?
Carl's financing.
Renovations just in time to build a nursery, huh?
Sit down. Sit down.
Let's get you off your feet.
Queenie, come meet the daughter I was telling you about.
Oh, hi.
Oh, such rosy cheeks and glowing skin.
Ah, motherhood becomes you.
- Mm. - Who are you?
Debs, meet Queenie. This is Sammi's mom.
She could tell you a thing about childbearing the natural way.
Oh, she can?
One can never be too prepared before dropping the load.
Right, Queenie?
I can tell you how to keep that uterus
toned, healthy, and happy.
I delivered my grandson Chuckster
in the back of an RV.
- You did? - Yeah.
I still have the stretch marks
from carrying Sammi, and--
and now they just spread like a sexy spiderweb
all over my belly.
You just got to embrace it all.
Our Debs could use a natural healer like yourself,
especially since her sister dropped her
like a cluster bomb.
Just-- I know you two are gonna hit it off.
Come on, let's get you some nettle leaf,
and it'll help to strengthen your placenta.
You know, you can stir-fry and eat it after birth.
Eat the placenta?
Mm.
Ah.
Oh, isn't this great?
Just chillaxin' in the pool.
No killer kids. No flaming Greeks.
Just you and me
and that old guy.
What are you doing? You brought your phone down?
You were supposed to leave it upstairs.
- Ah, force of habit. - Aw, come on.
You couldn't just let me handle everything?
You just have to check on my every move
to make sure I don't screw anything else up, right?
Kev, what the hell are you talking about?
This is Mom texting us
to bring her a souvenir back.
Oh, cool.
What's goin' on with you?
You been on the edge since we got here.
I know. I know. It's just...
I-- I'm just-- I'm worried
that I've worn you out dealing with all my shit.
I mean, I can't even plan a fucking vacation right.
The stains and the smells and the--
I think I saw bullet holes in the walls.
What the fuck was I thinking?
It's not so bad.
Oh, f-- it's bullshit.
Okay, it's a shithole.
But who cares?
It's us having some alone time together.
Yeah, I know; I just wanted to do something right
without you having to fix all my fuckups.
Kev, this is who we are.
Dealing with your fuckups is part of the deal,
just like you dealt with me not being able to get pregnant
and then getting pregnant but not wantin' to be a mother.
We always make it work.
Who cares how?
- You really mean that? - Yeah.
And this vacay is a dream.
I don't give a shit how hood it is.
I just want to have a orgasm in a different area code.
Well, that is one thing I can get right.
Let's give this old man creepers a hot show.
Mm. Mm.
This dude won't look away.
Uh... maybe he likes it.
Maybe he's dead.
♪ oh, yeah ♪
♪ I never, never, ever seen a girl like you ♪
Don't you just love straight weddings?
The only wedding I've ever been to was
when my closeted boyfriend had to marry this pregnant hooker
that he was forced to fuck at gunpoint, so...
Shit.
...this isn't so bad.
You know, you could just put your hand on my crotch.
It'd work a lot better.
Oh, shit.
Hey-- hey. Hey.
Hey, are you pissed at me?
You know, if you wanted to fag-freak out your family,
you could have just told me.
Hey, I'm sorry. All right?
Am I really your date, or am I just the gay prop?
No, I want you here.
My family's filled with a bunch of polite homophobes,
and I prefer my homophobia with blatant bashing
like normal people.
They pretend to be too religious to notice,
but I'm just trying to make it
a little harder for them to ignore.
Okay.
Then let's make it harder for them to ignore.
♪
♪ I'm tryna make my way up out the ghetto ♪
♪ I make my own lane ♪
♪ can't take my foot up off the pedal ♪
♪ I can't slow down too much... ♪
Too loud.
♪ sometimes you wanna scream to God ♪
♪ but he can't-- ♪
- Yo! - Carl, what the hell?
- I was listening to that. - It's too loud.
What is your problem today?
You're really gonna smoke this right in front of me?
I'm minding my own business.
Look, just because you're going through a thing
or whatever it is you won't talk about
does not mean you can act like an asshole.
- So if you want to talk-- - I don't need to talk.
Just stop stressin' me. Damn.
You okay?
Hey, y'all joining us for this evening?
We're just getting ready to start making dinner.
I was gonna make spaghetti.
Uh, yeah, well, Queenie and I wanted to help make
a healthy organic meal for the baby.
Yeah, that's right, we're gonna make
some kale and tofu; we'd love you to join.
Since when does Debbie eat kale?
I've had to force-feed her vegetables since she was born.
I'll do whatever's best for the baby, Fiona.
Got to embrace all parts of motherhood.
That a girl, Debra Moon.
Debra Moon?
You want to come help wash veggies with me, Liam?
Come on.
♪ glitz and glamour, fortune, fame ♪
♪ here we go ♪
♪ baby, hear my song, I was playing on the radio ♪
♪ ooh, yeah, all right... ♪
Yes, y'all. Get it.
Whoo!
♪ my name in lights ♪
♪ my name in lights ♪
♪ you're gonna see my name in lights ♪
♪ word to the wise... ♪
How we doing?
I'm pretty sure we won.
Your friend's not coming back,
is he?
Dropped a guy.
But, I mean, that's the thug life, right?
I don't know that much about the thug life...
but I've seen someone getting dropped.
You don't know how much that shit'll haunt you
until it just does.
Bad news is, uh, as far as I can see,
there's no real way to pretend it never happened.
Good news is, you can always hit the reset button.
For-- for what that's worth.
Helene!
Helene!
Helene, come out, please?
Look, I just wa-- I just want to talk.
Okay?
Look, I-I-I don't know how to make things right.
Okay, but-- but if-- if I did,
if I-- if I had a fucking clue how-- how to--
to reverse time or...
Okay, just-- just tell me what to do, okay?
You-- you want me to-- to untake the picture?
You-- you want me to get kicked out?
They-- they-- they fuckin' threw me out of my dorm room, okay?
I don't have shit.
Okay, it's just you and me.
It's you and me!
So you come out, please.
You just fucking come out and you talk to me!
Helene!
♪ I don't sleep no more ♪
♪ I've left you ♪
♪ the way I was before ♪
Mmm, thank you.
♪ do do da do do do do ♪
Oh...
Mmm. I love this.
Jesus, Frank, we're eatin'.
Yeah, not anymore.
How about a little tongue bath
to go with this meal?
Mm.
How 'bout we spend the night at your place?
How 'bout you move in?
Seriously?
Seriously.
Okay.
Thank you very much for the edible food,
but we got to be going now.
Anytime.
You're always welcome here, honeygram.
Yeah, I know,
seein' as how the house is in my name, but thanks.
Come on, Liam, let's get your stuff.
No, I want Debbie.
- Liam. - Oh, it's okay.
He can stay with me tonight.
I don't care.
Fine by me. I don't care either.
Cool.
Let's go home.
You're pretty badass.
Nobody's been able to handle my family like that.
Well, compared to the dysfunction of my family,
yours are lightweights.
Hey.
So what are we doing?
Whatever you want, I guess.
I want you.
Now.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
It can be much smoother than this.
Hey.
There you go.
- Calm, relaxing dinner. - Yeah.
Might take some getting used to.
Well, you had a long day, right?
A long lots of days.
Hmm.
- Uh-oh. - What?
- What-- - Oh, fuck, is it lice?
Uh, well, there's something small and tan
dancing the samba on your scalp.
I should warn you,
Gallagher shit is very contagious.
Hey, it's Toria.
You still want company?
You in there?
Hello.
Hello, you in there?
Well, this is a completely new brand of foreplay for me.
You really-- you know how to keep it interesting, Gallagher.
You regret asking me to move in yet?
It's only been a couple hours.
I'll let you know in a few.
Ah.
There he is.
Now, where's his ugly cousin?
Mm.
Frankie, you are a slimy bastard,
but I find it charming.
You've been working so hard to keep me here,
and guess what.
You win.
Good.
Oh, wait, Frankie, that's my belly button.
It feels fucking fantastic.
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh! Oh, God.
So the superiors
put all the inferiors in bad summer camps
'cause they didn't want 'em crossin' the border
and ruinin' the neighborhood,
and that is why Hitler
is a great American leader.
German, but I think you've made your point here,
my young Trump.