Shameless (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - NSFW - full transcript
Fiona goes through with her abortion, and can't let go of her feud with her pregnant sister Debbie, who receives further news about her baby. Lip faces the music for his relationship with ...
You don't think I have enough
to do around here?
Jesus, I'm not
your fucking mother.
Here's what you missed
last week on Shameless.
I'm Frank.
This is Debbie.
You're here to interview
as the nanny.
Hi.
You're setting me up with
a dying woman's husband?
Unlock the downstairs window,
I'll sneak in late,
sleep on the floor.
I'll be gone before anyone
wakes up.
I was hoping you'd come.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Man, what's with you
and this bike anyway?
When I was nine years old,
I got a bike just like this one.
Had it for one day before Pops
traded it for a rock.
Need my gun.
Oh, and don't forget, we still
need a volunteer to host
the foster child we're receiving
this morning.
- We'll take him.
- What?
- Who are they?
- They're refugee kids.
You're not a boy.
How could you send out
that picture of Helene?
I just saw your phone there
and the idea popped into my head
like divine intervention.
It's all over
the goddamn school.
I'm into you.
I thought you were into me.
- I am.
- Well, what's the problem?
What do you want?
- A date.
- A date?
Fiona, the sheriffs are here.
They're kicking us out!
What?
They're putting everything
on the street!
What is going on?
Getting evicted!
♪ think of all
the luck you got ♪
♪ know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ round up
the friends you got ♪
♪ know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ on my grind all day
and night ♪
♪ I can't stop
till my paper's right ♪
♪ my cheese what's up? ♪
♪ I hop by the drop
on top of a red carpet ♪
♪ niggers who start shit
get your heart hit ♪
♪ hardest nigger alive
and the West is us ♪
♪ neck is crushed
the vest is fucked ♪
- ♪ nigga what's up? ♪
- ♪ what's up? ♪
♪ ice bling like baby ♪
♪ niggers in the club shady ♪
♪ jack or mack your old lady ♪
♪ this way
this bae hold .380s ♪
♪ at your waistline
next time you pay me ♪
Good thing we didn't get
that apartment.
Hotels are for ballers.
Black with 12 sugars.
Sweet and dark,
just like your bitches.
National Cheerleading
Championships just rolled in.
Honeys all up and down
this mofo.
Let's go down to the gym.
Bouncing treadmill titties.
Not even titties?
Can't stay messed up about
that bike forever, man.
Not gonna be forever.
How long?
Till I make it right.
Holy shit.
Why am I here?
Uh...
You crawled into bed hammered,
then sang a little
and passed out.
Oh, no.
Not Melissa Etheridge.
I don't know who that is.
Did I do anything else?
Uh, you groped me a little.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
No worries.
Um, I'm gonna go make
the kids pancakes.
Yesterday we did chocolate chip.
Today I'm gonna do blueberry
and tomorrow
we're trying for pumpkin.
Lot of pancakes.
Good morning!
I'm here to concierge you
through your hangover
and straight into
your doctor's appointment.
I passed out in Debbie's bed
last night.
Yikes.
How'd she take it?
Fine, but I-I feel like
an idiot.
What's gotten into me?
I'm not attracted to her.
I feel maternal towards her.
It's a nurturing instinct.
She's very nurture-able.
I'm losing my shit, Frank.
It's hitting me.
I just keep thinking about
that coffin
and my body inside it.
I'm gonna puke.
How was last night's tangle?
Huh?
You and Erica.
Little scissor action?
Ew, no.
It was so not like that.
She was just
drunk and confused,
and she's married to a guy.
A woman's sexuality is as fluid
as the Mississippi.
Mark my words, kid.
She's sweet on you.
You are so sexy when
you're in the thrall
of a small lit rectangle.
You're up early.
Procedure tomorrow
freaking you out?
Abortion, you mean?
You can say the word.
And no.
What the hell is that?
- Three grand a month?
- Mm-hmm.
That place is a dump.
Yeah, it's a block away
from our old place.
The fella who lived
here hung himself.
I didn't see that
in the listing.
You want coffee?
Liam was born in that house.
And Carl and Debbie.
Yeah, and you were abused
and neglected
and saddled with the burden of
raising five kids in that house.
What am I gonna do without
Kev and V next door?
You'll stay friends
or you'll grow apart
the way adults do.
I want some coffee.
Fuck!
Fuck!
I forgot something at the house.
I got to get it before
the new owners move in.
You have time to go.
Go ahead, I'll watch Liam.
- Go.
- Thanks.
- I won't be long.
- Okay.
How are you so awesome?
Trial and error.
Uh-oh.
Oh, goddamn pregnancy hormones.
Can't wait to get it sucked out.
Fuck.
Hey.
Get up.
What time is it?
Like 10:00, so get up.
Uh, I need to ask you advice.
I'm going on a date.
Yeah, with the fireman?
Yeah.
You know, Mickey and I never
went out on dates.
Ned never took me out.
Kash and I fucked in
the back of a convenience store,
and I don't think
jerking off strangers
in a nightclub counts, so...
Well, how hard can it be?
You know, you eat,
you drink,
and you bang till your balls
fall off, right?
What about clothes?
I'd definitely wear some.
Yeah, asshole,
I mean, like, what kind?
Like fancy?
Shit, I don't know, man.
I've never really been on
a real date, either.
You know, not like
an official one.
One sec.
- Yo.
- Holy shit, dude.
- Been online yet?
- No, I just woke up.
That picture
of your lady professor
showed up on Gawker
this morning.
What?
It's labeled
"not safe for work."
I've got 106 new emails.
The provost wrote me?
What's a provost?
Being asked to appear before a
Faculty Disciplinary Committee.
Damn.
Oh, my God.
Is that him or her?
Look at that face.
Already up to no good.
It's a Gallagher all right.
I remember the first time
I saw Fiona in Monica's gut.
She looked like
a rotting apricot.
I screamed,
"What the fuck is that?"
And we were on
a lot of drugs,
but that fetus just
looked unholly.
Came out perfect, though.
You sure you don't want
to know the gender?
Before we knew your gender
we called you The Tumor.
Then they said you were a girl.
All of a sudden
you were Debbie.
I was Debbie?
Once you know the gender,
your fetus goes from a clump
of cells to a genuine person.
It's something.
Got to run.
Tell you what.
I'll write it down,
stick it in an envelope.
You can hang onto it
and decide later.
Cool.
Promised Erica I'd pick
her up after her scan.
Rampant metastasis,
here we come.
I was hoping for that.
♪ I'm feeling lucky ♪
♪ I'm feeling lucky tonight ♪
Whoo!
Fuck.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to bust in.
I left something behind.
That explains the sound
of smashing glass.
We're just finishing
the inspection.
It's, ah, disappointing.
What do you mean?
Termites, asbestos, mold,
lead paint, foundation cracks,
warped floor boards,
water damage,
missing copper pipes
and plumbing fixtures,
rodent infestation,
shoddy electrical work,
ancient furnace,
major roof issues,
freshly destroyed kitchen window
and a broken closet door.
Also, it appears
a large Hispanic family
has been living
under the house.
And the toilets back up, like,
once a month,
and the pipes freeze
in the winter.
How much to fix it all,
you think?
Buck 50, give or take.
150 grand?
Jesus.
My two cents?
Throw this turd back
in the sewer.
Door was open.
Hey, Helene, listen, I am
so fucking sorry, okay?
I'm gonna fix this.
Helene?
Look, you have every right
to be pissed, I just--
Helene.
Hey.
Hey!
Hey, Doc.
Where's our trooper?
You the, ah, cancer concierge?
I like to think of myself
as an ambassador
for the pre-deceased.
Okay, well, she's groggy
from the anti-anxiety meds.
I told her the news.
Not sure she absorbed it.
Let her rest.
Tell her again
when the meds wear off.
How long does she have left?
Couple weeks?
A month?
Could be several years.
More even.
Years you-- what?
Her tumor
has diminished considerably
since her last scan.
Pretty much the ideal outcome
for this course of treatment.
I'm thrilled.
I've got back-to-back surgeries,
but I'll call tomorrow
to follow up.
I'm fairly certain
we can start using the term
"remission."
Retired police vehicle.
Can still smell
the junkie flop sweat.
Perfect for a couple punks
like yourselves.
You feeling this?
Don't want a car.
You need a upgrade.
Let that bike go.
It's not about the bike.
It's about respect.
Who's ready for some juice?
Hurricane bass.
Four 12-inch subwoofers
and a 1200-watt amp.
Got no license.
Damn, take it easy.
Ain't been behind the wheel
since I was eight.
♪ tell a bitch
I'm still paid ♪
♪ swag me and my cool craze ♪
♪ now she on my tip ♪
♪ now my dick got a toothache ♪
Well, it seems you heard
correctly.
That family's just rescinded
their offer on your house.
So can we buy it?
If you still have
your down payment
and your mortgage approval.
Yes!
Thank you!
Oh, my God!
Okay, what now?
Okay, uh,
fill out this and this,
sections 8 through 15,
and these and these,
and here is something
for your spouse,
and a little something from
your insurance company--
Wait, spouse?
I'm sorry, I thought--
I thought you were married.
I am, sort of.
What document?
He's just co-signing
the mortgage there.
Uh, unless the house
won't be jointly owned?
Oh, it won't.
We're separated.
Oh, well,
then here is a document
declaring he has no claim
to the house,
and it needs to be
notarized there.
How long was I out?
Couple hours.
Not myself these days.
Hey!
Oh, that's wonderful.
Did Debbie help you with that?
I used to make these things
all the time
with my little brother Liam.
I'm good with crafts.
I-- I love it, actually.
Really?
You love it?
I do.
How was
your prenatal check-up?
Uh, the gender's inside.
I haven't opened it yet.
Really?
You know what you should do?
You should have
a gender reveal party.
What's that?
Uh, you would give this
to a baker
and ask him to make you a cake
with either pink
or blue frosting on the inside,
and then you invite people over,
gather around,
cut into the cake,
and surprise!
Oh, that's so cool.
We could do it here.
You can invite your family.
I'd love to meet them.
What is this,
arts and crafts hour?
Where's the Elmer's
and macaroni?
Getting my old customers back
by keeping the hipsters away.
Aren't they kind of staying away
on their own?
Yeah, well,
I'm trying to show my regulars
that we're loyal to them,
and we won't change for all
the mustache wax in the city.
'Cause you already did,
and you'd've kept doing it if
they were still paying ten bucks
for diet beer.
That was nice.
In my country, we have saying--
"Stay away from men
with excessive facial hair."
Is that true?
No, you dumb fuck.
Everything I say is bullshit,
but you believe me
because I have accent
and I never smile.
Okay, from now on,
free well drinks for anyone
who comes in with
a utility shutoff, an EBT card,
an eviction notice,
or an unemployment stub.
Pass that shit on.
Gentlemen,
and gentleman-adjacent,
riddle me this--
how is it that a woman can be
on death's door one day
and healthy as a summer daisy
the next?
I'll tell you.
Because taxpayers like me
subsidize massively overpriced
cancer drugs so that doctors
can buy their wives new faces.
Or treat patients and stave off
premature death.
Who asked you?
Beerkeep, my daily.
Hey, everyone!
An announcement!
My winsome young progeny here
is with sperm!
Gonna be a grandfather
for the first time.
You, wipe tables.
- You, feed baby.
- Okay.
I thought Chuckie
was your first grandkid.
There's no way that retarded
donut is a Gallagher.
Probably found him
in the discard bin
at the Goodwill.
Frank, I-I think you were right
about Erica.
Things are getting weird.
She was holding my hand for,
like, a really long time,
and staring at me like this.
Debs, it's time to face the fact
that you are a sweet,
earthy hunk of Irish sod,
meant to be shared
by flesh farmers
of all persuasions.
What are you talking about?
Erica is in remission.
What?
She was dying.
Well, now she's not.
I'm withholding the news so that
you can step up your game,
but you better do it quick
'cause she's gonna
find out soon.
Step up what game?
There's no way they're gonna
keep a nanny if Erica's healthy.
You got to find another way in.
She already thinks
you're a babe.
Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
But I like boys.
Don't you want to raise
your baby in a cozy home?
Of course, but--
Then throw her a bone.
Uh, little finger bang here,
nipple tweak there.
I don't know how!
You don't have to go downtown
right away.
You can work up to it.
Otherwise, come winter,
you're gonna find yourself
begging for pocket change
from a roadside snowbank
with an infant in your lap.
A lesson in parenting,
gentlemen.
Who knows,
you might like it.
There's nothing like the love
of a good woman
to make someone feel special.
My God, I miss that.
Last week you wanted me
to bang Tyler, now his wife.
I'm not that person, Frank.
I'll find my own way in
without sex.
I'll, um, I'll become like
a family member.
Quickest way to a woman's heart
is through her la-la,
but if your way works,
more power to you.
All right,
what do you guys think?
You spelled "tattoo"
with four Ts.
- Ta-t-tattoo!
- Terrific job, Kev!
Open up, Amanda.
Look, I can hear you.
Look, just tell the board
you made a mistake.
Say you're a jealous cunt
and you didn't mean
to get her in trouble.
What board?
The committee.
The provost.
No idea
what you're talking about.
What do you mean?
They didn't ask you to come in?
Nope.
Excuse me.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Then-- then--
then make a-- a statement
or post a retraction somewhere.
- Where?
- Online!
Do you actually not understand
how the internet works?
I don't care how it works, okay?
Helene could lose her job!
Well, maybe she should have
thought about that
before she started
banging her students,
and maybe you should learn
how to treat the girls
that you sleep with better.
Ever heard
of the campsite rule?
The what?
Leave the area in better shape
than you found it, asshole.
- Move.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Give me a break.
Where are you going?
The feminazis are after me.
Accused me of trying to destroy
a high status female
because I've internalized
my own gender oppression.
2,000 comments on my Facebook
page, including death threats.
My parents want me to leave
campus until it blows over.
You're on your own, Lip.
But then again,
I guess you always were.
Gus, hi.
Thanks for calling me back.
I, uh, I just need you
to sign some papers
so that I can
buy my house back.
Hello?
Hello?
Shit.
Gus?
Hello?
Fuck.
What brings you over here?
In the neighborhood.
This your new family?
I mean the family
at your new job?
Uh, yeah.
You kill my unborn niece
or nephew yet?
Tomorrow morning,
bright and early.
Whatever.
Uh, so I'm having a gender
reveal party at my boss's house,
- so...
- A what?
It's when you cut a cake
and see if
there's pink or blue frosting
inside.
Surprise.
You inviting me
to your party?
I don't know.
Yeah.
'Cause, like, there's stuff
I want to talk to you about,
but we've been hating each other
so bad, so I can't,
and it sucks because I don't
know who else to go to,
but I can't trust you
because you don't support me.
I do support you, Debs.
I just don't support
all your choices.
I am my choices, Fiona.
Why don't you see that?
Whatever.
All right, well...
have fun.
- Bye, Liam!
- Bye.
You okay?
Ask me tomorrow.
"Battery died.
Will meet you at The Alibi
between 10:00 PM
and 1:00 AM"
Huh, three hours?
He's just fucking with me.
Usually I get a bunch of apps
to share.
You good with that?
Mm.
Appetizers.
Sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Big-- big fan of apps.
Hi.
We'll take a bottle of
the 2005 Boulay Sancerre,
some crab cakes,
the roasted Brussels,
the spiced almonds,
and a prosciutto plate.
Yeah.
You seem like a very pensive
kind of guy.
- You an only child?
- Uh, no.
- Brothers and sisters?
- A bunch, yeah.
- Older or younger?
- Both.
What about your parents?
Both still alive?
Yeah.
Fantastic.
I'm learning so much.
Look--
look, I-- I have no idea
what I'm doing.
My last boyfriend
wasn't much of a talker.
His idea of a conversation
was to insult me a bunch
and then punch me
right before we banged.
You're a victim
of domestic abuse?
Where I'm from, people
communicate with their fists.
- And where is that?
- South Side.
Mm.
"Hands of steel."
Okay, so you're a street rat.
A brawler.
Is that a problem?
Only if you make it one.
I got to get to the firehouse.
Thought you were off-duty.
I know this sounds
like an excuse
considering how well
this is going,
but Hank's kid is sick.
He needs me to cover.
Let me come with you.
To the firehouse?
Yeah, I want to go for a run.
All right.
Lay low.
We're closed.
Oh, my God.
Please.
This cake is for a party that
could prevent me from either
becoming a pregnant,
homeless teenage mom
or having to have gay sex
with Melissa Etherick's
former girlfriend.
What you need?
Gender party.
The sex of my baby is inside.
For when?
- Tomorrow.
- Nuh-uh.
Got to order that bougie shit
in advance.
Uh, well, what can you do
by tomorrow?
Those stale-ass cupcakes.
Can re-cream them with blue
or pink in the morning.
How do you re-cream a cupcake?
Poke a hole in the bottom,
scoop out the filling
with a tiny spoon,
pack a syringe with fresh cream,
stick it in the hole,
squeeze.
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
"Goldilocks was tired,
so she went upstairs.
'This bed is too hard.
This bed is too soft.
This bed is just right!'
And then the bears came home."
Know what happens next?
Okay, no.
We do not kill Goldilocks.
Goldilocks is good.
We do not kill good people.
- Then who?
- No one.
Kill bears then.
No, she-- she just drove off.
I mean, she didn't even
look at me.
I'll be there tomorrow offering
silent moral support
from behind a yellow legal pad.
What am I supposed to say
to them?
What do you want
from all this?
I don't want her
to lose her job,
and I want her to
not break up with me.
She loses her job,
you're free to get freaky
wherever and whenever.
She keeps it,
no way she's gonna take that
kind of risk again.
Yeah, but if she loses her job
because of me,
she-- she's still never gonna
want to see me again.
Precisely.
Catch-22.
Remember this--
we have only two jobs
on this earth.
The first, to learn.
The second, to cope.
And by cope you mean, uh,
walking through life shitfaced?
We all find ways to
soften the edges.
Some edges need more
softening than others.
What are your edges?
My edges are named
Molly and Tabitha.
Both seized by somebody
taller, richer,
and less of a fuckup.
One of them was nine.
You have a daughter?
To finding something
worth learning.
And to coping with it.
Once we hit a cool mil,
think I'm gonna buy me
a sick crib.
Bear skin rug,
game room,
recording studio,
hot tub.
Thug for life, homes.
Not me.
Not you what?
Couple more gigs,
I'm out.
Damn.
You got a plan?
Farmer.
Like, on a farm with corn
and shit?
Nah.
Goats and cows and chickens
and pigs.
No people.
Ain't good with people.
Seem good with me.
You different.
You straight.
Most people be twisty.
Hey, how about we nab a dope pad
around here,
score a few acres up in
Will County for the weekends.
Sit around drinking King Cobras
and watch our cows hump
one another.
Hey, let's go terrorize
that shady Iranian optometrist.
Fucker owes me five stacks.
♪
Eviction notice.
Where's my booze?
Tommy, how many people
did you tell?
One.
You said "free" and "drink."
Doesn't take more than that.
Incoming!
Man with lady bun!
What's with the sign, bro?
The Alibi is serving
working-class regulars only,
so you and your bun buddies
can take your privileged asses
to the overpriced toilet
down the street.
- Capiche?
- Whatever, man.
Whatever this.
Okay.
Ah!
Nice!
Who's tired of the smell
of latte foam and ball cheese?
Me.
Fuck those super rich
little douchebags.
You guys are the real deal.
All right.
Here here.
So it's back
to metabolized rotgut
and decaying homeless person.
I've been called worse.
It's like the unemployment
office in here.
It gives me the willies.
Why are you still doing here,
Frank?
A question for the ages.
You said you needed a notary
for two signatures.
I've been here three hours.
I don't know where he is.
Somebody got stood up.
Mind your business.
The heck you need a notary for?
I'm trying to buy back the house
that you stripped clean
last week,
but I need Gus to sign
something first.
Attagirl.
Me and Debbie might need
a back up place.
If I buy this house,
there's no way you're slipping
back in under my roof.
I said, "might."
Besides, doesn't sound like
you're pulling it off,
what with hubby MIA.
Piss off, Frank.
I don't need your charity.
The three of us will do
just fine on our own.
Me, my devoted daughter,
and my granddaughter-to-be.
Debbie's having a girl?
My wife is pregnant.
My kid has an ear infection.
I need to get home.
What the fuck does that mean?
"Hung up.
Might not make it."
Fuck you,
you fucking piece of shit.
$30 for travel plus
a $65 waiting fee.
I'll take cash.
Sir, can you hear me?
Hey, what happened?
I stabbed him.
He fucked with me
for the last time.
Caleb!
Listen, I'll be right back,
okay?
You okay?
I think he broke it.
All right, hold still.
You're gonna be okay.
One, two--
Three.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Her arm is broken.
You're not trained.
I learned this in basic.
Thanks.
I'll take over.
Rough meeting?
No meeting.
Gus texted at 1:07
to say that he'd meet me
at Patsy's tomorrow.
Told me to bring
his grandmother's ring.
He's just punishing me,
which I get,
but it sucks.
How was your day?
Oh, yeah, we went
to the fall festival.
Will and Liam
raced corn-cob cars
and shared root beer floats.
How sweet.
Yeah, they passed out
on the pull-out
surrounded by comic books.
Lip and Ian used to do that.
They'd spread all the blankets
out in the living room and...
put out all their comics and...
see who could stay up latest...
in their little
footie pajamas.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Come back, Hormone Girl.
Come on.
We both need a lot of rest
before your thing tomorrow.
Abortion, okay?
Why do you need rest?
You're not coming.
Uh, yeah, I am.
I'm fine, Sean.
Yeah, I know you're fine.
Of course you are,
but I'm also still coming.
Trying to be a hero?
Nope.
Just trying to be a partner.
I'm about to ask you
some very intrusive questions.
Please answer to the best
of your knowledge.
How long did you know Dr. Runyon
before you became intimate?
Um...
about an hour and a half.
Maybe less.
Um, I-- I came to class late.
And what was the pretense
of that encounter?
Well, I-- I'd gone to her office
to make up on some of the work
that I'd missed.
And there
you had intercourse.
No.
No, not exactly.
But the encounter was
of a sexual nature?
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Non-penetrative?
No.
I mean, yes.
Uh... non, yeah.
Oral?
Uh, yes.
You performed this on her,
or she on you?
It was, um--
it was me to her.
Did she coerce you
to perform this sex act?
I'm not sure exactly
how you coerce someone
into doing that kind of thing.
Answer the question, please.
She did not coerce me.
No.
Have you ever received improved
grades or academic privileges
in exchange for sex?
I-- I don't need any favors.
Whether or not you need them
is beside the point.
We're trying
to determine intent.
Did Dr. Runyon offer you
any special compensation
during your relationship?
She wasn't
taking advantage of me.
If that's what you're
getting at, I'm not a victim.
Okay?
It was consensual.
We're not the enemy,
Mr. Gallagher.
Just answer the questions
simply and truthfully.
You feel okay?
Yeah.
Valium and ibuprofen
seem to be working.
Okay.
You might feel
a cramp now.
It's similar
to a period cramp but sharper.
Hang tight.
You can hold my hand
if you need to.
No, I'm okay.
Focus on your breathing
instead of the sensation.
In through the nose,
out through the mouth.
That was quick.
How do you feel?
Un-pregnant...
and starving.
They gave me a pad
for the bleeding.
I never wear pads.
I feel like I have
a burrito between my legs.
Bleeding?
Yeah, totally normal.
It should slow down
in a few hours.
They said if I feel okay later
I could even go back to work.
But you're okay?
I'll be honest,
I'm devastated
I'm not drinking
a milkshake right now.
♪ C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L ♪
♪ smooth love ♪
Thanks for driving me.
My party's gonna be super fun.
Whose car is this?
Company car.
Cool.
I'm really glad
you could make it,
and I hope you guys
like cupcakes.
Fuck, man.
That's my fucking bike.
Slow down!
I'm pregnant!
It's not worth it.
Think of the farm.
The fucking cows, man.
Another romantic meal with
just the three of us.
"Need to push an hour.
7:00 PM okay?"
Dickwad.
If he stands me up again, I'm
just showing up at his apartment
with a notary in one hand
and a baseball bat in the other.
Tell me again why getting
the house is so important.
I don't even know anymore.
I mean,
Debbie's family is throwing
her a party, for fuck's sake.
A gender party.
You gonna go?
It's baby related, so, no.
You'll always be the person
who raised them, you know.
Regardless of what they do
or where they live.
What if I don't want
to be that anymore?
What if I...
just want to be their sister?
Oh, so now you hipsters
want to come in
now that
we don't want you.
Ironic, isn't it?
Don't rile them up.
Kev.
Snuck in through the back.
Got a whisky sour.
Hey, defend
the fortress.
Head up to the roof
and dump acid on their heads.
All right, hang on, Tommy.
Where's your ghetto cred, buddy?
What is this?
Food stamps.
These are stamp stamps.
From a post office.
You even know what
food stamps look like?
All right, tell you what
I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna let you stay
'cause I like your initiative,
but you're gonna have to pay
a cover.
How much?
$10.
$15?
$20?
$20.
Yeah, $20.
Now go tell your friends.
I'll let in four hipsters
every hour, but it's $20 a head.
You got it?
Go tell them.
We're in!
We did it.
All right, but easy.
Easy, easy, easy!
You'll all get your turn.
We're gonna need
to get a bouncer,
and we need to get a scary one.
Like, pants-shitting-ly scary.
Want some coffee?
Sure.
This is all
for your sculpture stuff?
Yeah.
Used to get scraps from
burned-down homes on our runs,
but homeowners don't love it
when firemen take their stuff.
- Cream or sugar?
- Black.
You sell these?
To friends sometimes,
if they're drunk enough.
What's this one?
That's my latest.
I love to find the treasure
inside the trash.
I try to find the secret life
in things.
What it wants to be
instead of what it is.
Is that what you're doing
with me?
That's a good question.
Can I kiss you?
I thought kissing comes after
you've had sex a bunch of times.
Ian, kissing comes
whenever you want it to.
Even now.
Fiona's not coming?
We can just start without her.
So, thank you guys
all so much for coming.
Bathroom?
Oh, it-- right down the hallway.
Um, so as you guys know, I kind
of wanted to keep the gender
of my baby a surprise,
but Erica here,
who's been like a mother to me,
suggested I throw this party
and include everyone,
so, that's what I did.
Um, it's my doctor.
Um, I have take this.
So Sorry.
I'll just-- I'll be one sec.
Wait, Carl!
Fuck!
Um, Frank, I was thinking a lot
about this, and guess what?
I think I'm gonna name the baby
after Erica.
Eric if it's a boy.
- What do you think of that?
- Thumbs up.
Awesome.
Um...
I'm in remission.
- Hey, fantastic!
- Wow! That's so awesome.
We got involved, and
unfortunately my marriage
was in a transitional place
at the time.
I understand that,
while not banned outright
in our code of conduct,
sleeping with students reflects
poor judgment on my part.
It not only jeopardizes my
standing with the university,
but compromises
the emotional well-being
of the student
in question.
I'm willing to take
a probationary leave of absence,
during which time I will prepare
a statement regarding
my behavior that
the University may choose
to make public at any point.
In the meantime,
I have terminated all contact
with said student,
and intend to continue
this course of action.
We also recommend
that you seek counseling.
We understand this is
not your first encounter
with a student in this capacity.
It is simply your most public.
I've already begun
to see a therapist
who specializes
in sex addiction.
Thank you, Dr. Runyon.
We'll render a decision shortly.
It's not a crime
to want to fuck.
I mean, what is it
with you people?
Ah, he hasn't been getting
much sleep.
I've been working him
pretty hard.
We would like to provide you
with mental health services
to help you cope with
this ordeal, Mr. Gallagher.
What happened between Helene
and me wasn't wrong, okay?
And I don't need to cope
with it.
We're--
we're in love.
Okay?
As I've said, this relationship
has been terminated.
Sex addiction?
The hell is that shit?
Look, I know you had to say
that stuff in there
to cover your own ass,
but it's not an ordeal, okay?
Not for me.
Could you stop for a second
and fucking look at me?
So what?
That's it then, huh?
What, that's how you want
to end this?
Don't follow me.
Don't text me.
Stay away from my home,
my husband, my son.
Don't make this any uglier
than you already have.
Yo.
Yo, what'd you do?
I called the cops.
You better split.
Wh-wh-why?
Hey, do you have a sanitary pad
I could borrow?
The machine in the bathroom
might have one from the '80s.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
This is gonna be really quick.
This is Abe, the notary.
Where's my ring?
It's in a safety deposit box
at the bank,
which is closed right now,
but I can grab it for you
first thing tomorrow morning.
Okay, these documents release
your rights to the house
so that I can buy it back
under my name.
So my signature gets you
something you want?
Correct.
Where's the paper
that gets me what I want?
What do you want?
Well,
I wanted a wife who wasn't
a lying,
cheating sack of shit,
but I guess that's impossible,
so...
I'll settle for an explanation.
I want to know why you think
I owe you anything.
You don't.
So this is a-- a favor?
I guess.
I do favors for friends.
We're not friends.
So basically, this is you
asking me for something
and offering me nothing
in return.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, is Fiona here?
Not yet.
You okay?
You need anything?
What, are you hungry?
Can I--
can I stay here tonight?
Uh...
Uh, sure.
You can sleep in Will's bed.
Come on.
♪
Oh,
my only grandson,
what you doing under there?
Everyone's gone.
- They all forgot you?
- Yeah.
- How long you been under there?
- Two days.
It gets cold at night.
I pee my pants to stay warm.
Wise choice.
Hey, how about--
how about sharing some of those
beans with a hungry old man?
♪
I called my mom in prison.
She said someone would get me.
And here I am.
Your messiah.
Hand me the hot sauce,
would you?
It's over.
Gus wouldn't sign.
I can't get the loan
and I lost the house.
Oh, honey.
Hey.
Easy.
I'm so exhausted...
It's okay.
Just breathe.
And my family's shattered,
and Debbie's having a girl
and she can't talk to me...
And I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know
what I'm doing.
You mind if I come in?
Tyler's not back yet
and I'm too excited to sleep.
Sure.
Don't worry, I promise
not to touch you
even though you're way
too adorable.
Here.
I'll stay down on the floor
like a good little bitch.
Oh. Ah.
I can't believe
I got a second shot.
Oh.
I'm gonna try to have a life
this time.
I'm gonna make pipe cleaners,
and...
go to shows and hit the gym.
I'm gonna fuck women!
If Tyler will let me.
Even if he doesn't let me.
I love having you here.
Well, I love being here.
I wish you didn't have to go.
_
Chuckie?
Chuckle Berry!
Hey, Dump Truck, is that you?
Grandma!
Hi.
Come here.
Mmm.
Hi.
Oh.
Queenie?
Oh.
Well, look who it is.
Squirming around in the filth
just like I left you.
How did you find me?
Well, I wasn't looking
for you, baby.
I was looking for this
chubby little menace.
Sammi asked me to watch him
while she's locked up.
It's good to see you.
Slimy fucker.
Oh, God.
Come on, let's do it.
Come on, let's do it.
Come here.
Oh, my God.
Take your pants down.
Take your pants down.
I dug it up.
What the hell is this?
Buy back the house.
_
to do around here?
Jesus, I'm not
your fucking mother.
Here's what you missed
last week on Shameless.
I'm Frank.
This is Debbie.
You're here to interview
as the nanny.
Hi.
You're setting me up with
a dying woman's husband?
Unlock the downstairs window,
I'll sneak in late,
sleep on the floor.
I'll be gone before anyone
wakes up.
I was hoping you'd come.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Man, what's with you
and this bike anyway?
When I was nine years old,
I got a bike just like this one.
Had it for one day before Pops
traded it for a rock.
Need my gun.
Oh, and don't forget, we still
need a volunteer to host
the foster child we're receiving
this morning.
- We'll take him.
- What?
- Who are they?
- They're refugee kids.
You're not a boy.
How could you send out
that picture of Helene?
I just saw your phone there
and the idea popped into my head
like divine intervention.
It's all over
the goddamn school.
I'm into you.
I thought you were into me.
- I am.
- Well, what's the problem?
What do you want?
- A date.
- A date?
Fiona, the sheriffs are here.
They're kicking us out!
What?
They're putting everything
on the street!
What is going on?
Getting evicted!
♪ think of all
the luck you got ♪
♪ know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ round up
the friends you got ♪
♪ know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ on my grind all day
and night ♪
♪ I can't stop
till my paper's right ♪
♪ my cheese what's up? ♪
♪ I hop by the drop
on top of a red carpet ♪
♪ niggers who start shit
get your heart hit ♪
♪ hardest nigger alive
and the West is us ♪
♪ neck is crushed
the vest is fucked ♪
- ♪ nigga what's up? ♪
- ♪ what's up? ♪
♪ ice bling like baby ♪
♪ niggers in the club shady ♪
♪ jack or mack your old lady ♪
♪ this way
this bae hold .380s ♪
♪ at your waistline
next time you pay me ♪
Good thing we didn't get
that apartment.
Hotels are for ballers.
Black with 12 sugars.
Sweet and dark,
just like your bitches.
National Cheerleading
Championships just rolled in.
Honeys all up and down
this mofo.
Let's go down to the gym.
Bouncing treadmill titties.
Not even titties?
Can't stay messed up about
that bike forever, man.
Not gonna be forever.
How long?
Till I make it right.
Holy shit.
Why am I here?
Uh...
You crawled into bed hammered,
then sang a little
and passed out.
Oh, no.
Not Melissa Etheridge.
I don't know who that is.
Did I do anything else?
Uh, you groped me a little.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
No worries.
Um, I'm gonna go make
the kids pancakes.
Yesterday we did chocolate chip.
Today I'm gonna do blueberry
and tomorrow
we're trying for pumpkin.
Lot of pancakes.
Good morning!
I'm here to concierge you
through your hangover
and straight into
your doctor's appointment.
I passed out in Debbie's bed
last night.
Yikes.
How'd she take it?
Fine, but I-I feel like
an idiot.
What's gotten into me?
I'm not attracted to her.
I feel maternal towards her.
It's a nurturing instinct.
She's very nurture-able.
I'm losing my shit, Frank.
It's hitting me.
I just keep thinking about
that coffin
and my body inside it.
I'm gonna puke.
How was last night's tangle?
Huh?
You and Erica.
Little scissor action?
Ew, no.
It was so not like that.
She was just
drunk and confused,
and she's married to a guy.
A woman's sexuality is as fluid
as the Mississippi.
Mark my words, kid.
She's sweet on you.
You are so sexy when
you're in the thrall
of a small lit rectangle.
You're up early.
Procedure tomorrow
freaking you out?
Abortion, you mean?
You can say the word.
And no.
What the hell is that?
- Three grand a month?
- Mm-hmm.
That place is a dump.
Yeah, it's a block away
from our old place.
The fella who lived
here hung himself.
I didn't see that
in the listing.
You want coffee?
Liam was born in that house.
And Carl and Debbie.
Yeah, and you were abused
and neglected
and saddled with the burden of
raising five kids in that house.
What am I gonna do without
Kev and V next door?
You'll stay friends
or you'll grow apart
the way adults do.
I want some coffee.
Fuck!
Fuck!
I forgot something at the house.
I got to get it before
the new owners move in.
You have time to go.
Go ahead, I'll watch Liam.
- Go.
- Thanks.
- I won't be long.
- Okay.
How are you so awesome?
Trial and error.
Uh-oh.
Oh, goddamn pregnancy hormones.
Can't wait to get it sucked out.
Fuck.
Hey.
Get up.
What time is it?
Like 10:00, so get up.
Uh, I need to ask you advice.
I'm going on a date.
Yeah, with the fireman?
Yeah.
You know, Mickey and I never
went out on dates.
Ned never took me out.
Kash and I fucked in
the back of a convenience store,
and I don't think
jerking off strangers
in a nightclub counts, so...
Well, how hard can it be?
You know, you eat,
you drink,
and you bang till your balls
fall off, right?
What about clothes?
I'd definitely wear some.
Yeah, asshole,
I mean, like, what kind?
Like fancy?
Shit, I don't know, man.
I've never really been on
a real date, either.
You know, not like
an official one.
One sec.
- Yo.
- Holy shit, dude.
- Been online yet?
- No, I just woke up.
That picture
of your lady professor
showed up on Gawker
this morning.
What?
It's labeled
"not safe for work."
I've got 106 new emails.
The provost wrote me?
What's a provost?
Being asked to appear before a
Faculty Disciplinary Committee.
Damn.
Oh, my God.
Is that him or her?
Look at that face.
Already up to no good.
It's a Gallagher all right.
I remember the first time
I saw Fiona in Monica's gut.
She looked like
a rotting apricot.
I screamed,
"What the fuck is that?"
And we were on
a lot of drugs,
but that fetus just
looked unholly.
Came out perfect, though.
You sure you don't want
to know the gender?
Before we knew your gender
we called you The Tumor.
Then they said you were a girl.
All of a sudden
you were Debbie.
I was Debbie?
Once you know the gender,
your fetus goes from a clump
of cells to a genuine person.
It's something.
Got to run.
Tell you what.
I'll write it down,
stick it in an envelope.
You can hang onto it
and decide later.
Cool.
Promised Erica I'd pick
her up after her scan.
Rampant metastasis,
here we come.
I was hoping for that.
♪ I'm feeling lucky ♪
♪ I'm feeling lucky tonight ♪
Whoo!
Fuck.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to bust in.
I left something behind.
That explains the sound
of smashing glass.
We're just finishing
the inspection.
It's, ah, disappointing.
What do you mean?
Termites, asbestos, mold,
lead paint, foundation cracks,
warped floor boards,
water damage,
missing copper pipes
and plumbing fixtures,
rodent infestation,
shoddy electrical work,
ancient furnace,
major roof issues,
freshly destroyed kitchen window
and a broken closet door.
Also, it appears
a large Hispanic family
has been living
under the house.
And the toilets back up, like,
once a month,
and the pipes freeze
in the winter.
How much to fix it all,
you think?
Buck 50, give or take.
150 grand?
Jesus.
My two cents?
Throw this turd back
in the sewer.
Door was open.
Hey, Helene, listen, I am
so fucking sorry, okay?
I'm gonna fix this.
Helene?
Look, you have every right
to be pissed, I just--
Helene.
Hey.
Hey!
Hey, Doc.
Where's our trooper?
You the, ah, cancer concierge?
I like to think of myself
as an ambassador
for the pre-deceased.
Okay, well, she's groggy
from the anti-anxiety meds.
I told her the news.
Not sure she absorbed it.
Let her rest.
Tell her again
when the meds wear off.
How long does she have left?
Couple weeks?
A month?
Could be several years.
More even.
Years you-- what?
Her tumor
has diminished considerably
since her last scan.
Pretty much the ideal outcome
for this course of treatment.
I'm thrilled.
I've got back-to-back surgeries,
but I'll call tomorrow
to follow up.
I'm fairly certain
we can start using the term
"remission."
Retired police vehicle.
Can still smell
the junkie flop sweat.
Perfect for a couple punks
like yourselves.
You feeling this?
Don't want a car.
You need a upgrade.
Let that bike go.
It's not about the bike.
It's about respect.
Who's ready for some juice?
Hurricane bass.
Four 12-inch subwoofers
and a 1200-watt amp.
Got no license.
Damn, take it easy.
Ain't been behind the wheel
since I was eight.
♪ tell a bitch
I'm still paid ♪
♪ swag me and my cool craze ♪
♪ now she on my tip ♪
♪ now my dick got a toothache ♪
Well, it seems you heard
correctly.
That family's just rescinded
their offer on your house.
So can we buy it?
If you still have
your down payment
and your mortgage approval.
Yes!
Thank you!
Oh, my God!
Okay, what now?
Okay, uh,
fill out this and this,
sections 8 through 15,
and these and these,
and here is something
for your spouse,
and a little something from
your insurance company--
Wait, spouse?
I'm sorry, I thought--
I thought you were married.
I am, sort of.
What document?
He's just co-signing
the mortgage there.
Uh, unless the house
won't be jointly owned?
Oh, it won't.
We're separated.
Oh, well,
then here is a document
declaring he has no claim
to the house,
and it needs to be
notarized there.
How long was I out?
Couple hours.
Not myself these days.
Hey!
Oh, that's wonderful.
Did Debbie help you with that?
I used to make these things
all the time
with my little brother Liam.
I'm good with crafts.
I-- I love it, actually.
Really?
You love it?
I do.
How was
your prenatal check-up?
Uh, the gender's inside.
I haven't opened it yet.
Really?
You know what you should do?
You should have
a gender reveal party.
What's that?
Uh, you would give this
to a baker
and ask him to make you a cake
with either pink
or blue frosting on the inside,
and then you invite people over,
gather around,
cut into the cake,
and surprise!
Oh, that's so cool.
We could do it here.
You can invite your family.
I'd love to meet them.
What is this,
arts and crafts hour?
Where's the Elmer's
and macaroni?
Getting my old customers back
by keeping the hipsters away.
Aren't they kind of staying away
on their own?
Yeah, well,
I'm trying to show my regulars
that we're loyal to them,
and we won't change for all
the mustache wax in the city.
'Cause you already did,
and you'd've kept doing it if
they were still paying ten bucks
for diet beer.
That was nice.
In my country, we have saying--
"Stay away from men
with excessive facial hair."
Is that true?
No, you dumb fuck.
Everything I say is bullshit,
but you believe me
because I have accent
and I never smile.
Okay, from now on,
free well drinks for anyone
who comes in with
a utility shutoff, an EBT card,
an eviction notice,
or an unemployment stub.
Pass that shit on.
Gentlemen,
and gentleman-adjacent,
riddle me this--
how is it that a woman can be
on death's door one day
and healthy as a summer daisy
the next?
I'll tell you.
Because taxpayers like me
subsidize massively overpriced
cancer drugs so that doctors
can buy their wives new faces.
Or treat patients and stave off
premature death.
Who asked you?
Beerkeep, my daily.
Hey, everyone!
An announcement!
My winsome young progeny here
is with sperm!
Gonna be a grandfather
for the first time.
You, wipe tables.
- You, feed baby.
- Okay.
I thought Chuckie
was your first grandkid.
There's no way that retarded
donut is a Gallagher.
Probably found him
in the discard bin
at the Goodwill.
Frank, I-I think you were right
about Erica.
Things are getting weird.
She was holding my hand for,
like, a really long time,
and staring at me like this.
Debs, it's time to face the fact
that you are a sweet,
earthy hunk of Irish sod,
meant to be shared
by flesh farmers
of all persuasions.
What are you talking about?
Erica is in remission.
What?
She was dying.
Well, now she's not.
I'm withholding the news so that
you can step up your game,
but you better do it quick
'cause she's gonna
find out soon.
Step up what game?
There's no way they're gonna
keep a nanny if Erica's healthy.
You got to find another way in.
She already thinks
you're a babe.
Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
But I like boys.
Don't you want to raise
your baby in a cozy home?
Of course, but--
Then throw her a bone.
Uh, little finger bang here,
nipple tweak there.
I don't know how!
You don't have to go downtown
right away.
You can work up to it.
Otherwise, come winter,
you're gonna find yourself
begging for pocket change
from a roadside snowbank
with an infant in your lap.
A lesson in parenting,
gentlemen.
Who knows,
you might like it.
There's nothing like the love
of a good woman
to make someone feel special.
My God, I miss that.
Last week you wanted me
to bang Tyler, now his wife.
I'm not that person, Frank.
I'll find my own way in
without sex.
I'll, um, I'll become like
a family member.
Quickest way to a woman's heart
is through her la-la,
but if your way works,
more power to you.
All right,
what do you guys think?
You spelled "tattoo"
with four Ts.
- Ta-t-tattoo!
- Terrific job, Kev!
Open up, Amanda.
Look, I can hear you.
Look, just tell the board
you made a mistake.
Say you're a jealous cunt
and you didn't mean
to get her in trouble.
What board?
The committee.
The provost.
No idea
what you're talking about.
What do you mean?
They didn't ask you to come in?
Nope.
Excuse me.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Then-- then--
then make a-- a statement
or post a retraction somewhere.
- Where?
- Online!
Do you actually not understand
how the internet works?
I don't care how it works, okay?
Helene could lose her job!
Well, maybe she should have
thought about that
before she started
banging her students,
and maybe you should learn
how to treat the girls
that you sleep with better.
Ever heard
of the campsite rule?
The what?
Leave the area in better shape
than you found it, asshole.
- Move.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Give me a break.
Where are you going?
The feminazis are after me.
Accused me of trying to destroy
a high status female
because I've internalized
my own gender oppression.
2,000 comments on my Facebook
page, including death threats.
My parents want me to leave
campus until it blows over.
You're on your own, Lip.
But then again,
I guess you always were.
Gus, hi.
Thanks for calling me back.
I, uh, I just need you
to sign some papers
so that I can
buy my house back.
Hello?
Hello?
Shit.
Gus?
Hello?
Fuck.
What brings you over here?
In the neighborhood.
This your new family?
I mean the family
at your new job?
Uh, yeah.
You kill my unborn niece
or nephew yet?
Tomorrow morning,
bright and early.
Whatever.
Uh, so I'm having a gender
reveal party at my boss's house,
- so...
- A what?
It's when you cut a cake
and see if
there's pink or blue frosting
inside.
Surprise.
You inviting me
to your party?
I don't know.
Yeah.
'Cause, like, there's stuff
I want to talk to you about,
but we've been hating each other
so bad, so I can't,
and it sucks because I don't
know who else to go to,
but I can't trust you
because you don't support me.
I do support you, Debs.
I just don't support
all your choices.
I am my choices, Fiona.
Why don't you see that?
Whatever.
All right, well...
have fun.
- Bye, Liam!
- Bye.
You okay?
Ask me tomorrow.
"Battery died.
Will meet you at The Alibi
between 10:00 PM
and 1:00 AM"
Huh, three hours?
He's just fucking with me.
Usually I get a bunch of apps
to share.
You good with that?
Mm.
Appetizers.
Sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Big-- big fan of apps.
Hi.
We'll take a bottle of
the 2005 Boulay Sancerre,
some crab cakes,
the roasted Brussels,
the spiced almonds,
and a prosciutto plate.
Yeah.
You seem like a very pensive
kind of guy.
- You an only child?
- Uh, no.
- Brothers and sisters?
- A bunch, yeah.
- Older or younger?
- Both.
What about your parents?
Both still alive?
Yeah.
Fantastic.
I'm learning so much.
Look--
look, I-- I have no idea
what I'm doing.
My last boyfriend
wasn't much of a talker.
His idea of a conversation
was to insult me a bunch
and then punch me
right before we banged.
You're a victim
of domestic abuse?
Where I'm from, people
communicate with their fists.
- And where is that?
- South Side.
Mm.
"Hands of steel."
Okay, so you're a street rat.
A brawler.
Is that a problem?
Only if you make it one.
I got to get to the firehouse.
Thought you were off-duty.
I know this sounds
like an excuse
considering how well
this is going,
but Hank's kid is sick.
He needs me to cover.
Let me come with you.
To the firehouse?
Yeah, I want to go for a run.
All right.
Lay low.
We're closed.
Oh, my God.
Please.
This cake is for a party that
could prevent me from either
becoming a pregnant,
homeless teenage mom
or having to have gay sex
with Melissa Etherick's
former girlfriend.
What you need?
Gender party.
The sex of my baby is inside.
For when?
- Tomorrow.
- Nuh-uh.
Got to order that bougie shit
in advance.
Uh, well, what can you do
by tomorrow?
Those stale-ass cupcakes.
Can re-cream them with blue
or pink in the morning.
How do you re-cream a cupcake?
Poke a hole in the bottom,
scoop out the filling
with a tiny spoon,
pack a syringe with fresh cream,
stick it in the hole,
squeeze.
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
"Goldilocks was tired,
so she went upstairs.
'This bed is too hard.
This bed is too soft.
This bed is just right!'
And then the bears came home."
Know what happens next?
Okay, no.
We do not kill Goldilocks.
Goldilocks is good.
We do not kill good people.
- Then who?
- No one.
Kill bears then.
No, she-- she just drove off.
I mean, she didn't even
look at me.
I'll be there tomorrow offering
silent moral support
from behind a yellow legal pad.
What am I supposed to say
to them?
What do you want
from all this?
I don't want her
to lose her job,
and I want her to
not break up with me.
She loses her job,
you're free to get freaky
wherever and whenever.
She keeps it,
no way she's gonna take that
kind of risk again.
Yeah, but if she loses her job
because of me,
she-- she's still never gonna
want to see me again.
Precisely.
Catch-22.
Remember this--
we have only two jobs
on this earth.
The first, to learn.
The second, to cope.
And by cope you mean, uh,
walking through life shitfaced?
We all find ways to
soften the edges.
Some edges need more
softening than others.
What are your edges?
My edges are named
Molly and Tabitha.
Both seized by somebody
taller, richer,
and less of a fuckup.
One of them was nine.
You have a daughter?
To finding something
worth learning.
And to coping with it.
Once we hit a cool mil,
think I'm gonna buy me
a sick crib.
Bear skin rug,
game room,
recording studio,
hot tub.
Thug for life, homes.
Not me.
Not you what?
Couple more gigs,
I'm out.
Damn.
You got a plan?
Farmer.
Like, on a farm with corn
and shit?
Nah.
Goats and cows and chickens
and pigs.
No people.
Ain't good with people.
Seem good with me.
You different.
You straight.
Most people be twisty.
Hey, how about we nab a dope pad
around here,
score a few acres up in
Will County for the weekends.
Sit around drinking King Cobras
and watch our cows hump
one another.
Hey, let's go terrorize
that shady Iranian optometrist.
Fucker owes me five stacks.
♪
Eviction notice.
Where's my booze?
Tommy, how many people
did you tell?
One.
You said "free" and "drink."
Doesn't take more than that.
Incoming!
Man with lady bun!
What's with the sign, bro?
The Alibi is serving
working-class regulars only,
so you and your bun buddies
can take your privileged asses
to the overpriced toilet
down the street.
- Capiche?
- Whatever, man.
Whatever this.
Okay.
Ah!
Nice!
Who's tired of the smell
of latte foam and ball cheese?
Me.
Fuck those super rich
little douchebags.
You guys are the real deal.
All right.
Here here.
So it's back
to metabolized rotgut
and decaying homeless person.
I've been called worse.
It's like the unemployment
office in here.
It gives me the willies.
Why are you still doing here,
Frank?
A question for the ages.
You said you needed a notary
for two signatures.
I've been here three hours.
I don't know where he is.
Somebody got stood up.
Mind your business.
The heck you need a notary for?
I'm trying to buy back the house
that you stripped clean
last week,
but I need Gus to sign
something first.
Attagirl.
Me and Debbie might need
a back up place.
If I buy this house,
there's no way you're slipping
back in under my roof.
I said, "might."
Besides, doesn't sound like
you're pulling it off,
what with hubby MIA.
Piss off, Frank.
I don't need your charity.
The three of us will do
just fine on our own.
Me, my devoted daughter,
and my granddaughter-to-be.
Debbie's having a girl?
My wife is pregnant.
My kid has an ear infection.
I need to get home.
What the fuck does that mean?
"Hung up.
Might not make it."
Fuck you,
you fucking piece of shit.
$30 for travel plus
a $65 waiting fee.
I'll take cash.
Sir, can you hear me?
Hey, what happened?
I stabbed him.
He fucked with me
for the last time.
Caleb!
Listen, I'll be right back,
okay?
You okay?
I think he broke it.
All right, hold still.
You're gonna be okay.
One, two--
Three.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Her arm is broken.
You're not trained.
I learned this in basic.
Thanks.
I'll take over.
Rough meeting?
No meeting.
Gus texted at 1:07
to say that he'd meet me
at Patsy's tomorrow.
Told me to bring
his grandmother's ring.
He's just punishing me,
which I get,
but it sucks.
How was your day?
Oh, yeah, we went
to the fall festival.
Will and Liam
raced corn-cob cars
and shared root beer floats.
How sweet.
Yeah, they passed out
on the pull-out
surrounded by comic books.
Lip and Ian used to do that.
They'd spread all the blankets
out in the living room and...
put out all their comics and...
see who could stay up latest...
in their little
footie pajamas.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Come back, Hormone Girl.
Come on.
We both need a lot of rest
before your thing tomorrow.
Abortion, okay?
Why do you need rest?
You're not coming.
Uh, yeah, I am.
I'm fine, Sean.
Yeah, I know you're fine.
Of course you are,
but I'm also still coming.
Trying to be a hero?
Nope.
Just trying to be a partner.
I'm about to ask you
some very intrusive questions.
Please answer to the best
of your knowledge.
How long did you know Dr. Runyon
before you became intimate?
Um...
about an hour and a half.
Maybe less.
Um, I-- I came to class late.
And what was the pretense
of that encounter?
Well, I-- I'd gone to her office
to make up on some of the work
that I'd missed.
And there
you had intercourse.
No.
No, not exactly.
But the encounter was
of a sexual nature?
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Non-penetrative?
No.
I mean, yes.
Uh... non, yeah.
Oral?
Uh, yes.
You performed this on her,
or she on you?
It was, um--
it was me to her.
Did she coerce you
to perform this sex act?
I'm not sure exactly
how you coerce someone
into doing that kind of thing.
Answer the question, please.
She did not coerce me.
No.
Have you ever received improved
grades or academic privileges
in exchange for sex?
I-- I don't need any favors.
Whether or not you need them
is beside the point.
We're trying
to determine intent.
Did Dr. Runyon offer you
any special compensation
during your relationship?
She wasn't
taking advantage of me.
If that's what you're
getting at, I'm not a victim.
Okay?
It was consensual.
We're not the enemy,
Mr. Gallagher.
Just answer the questions
simply and truthfully.
You feel okay?
Yeah.
Valium and ibuprofen
seem to be working.
Okay.
You might feel
a cramp now.
It's similar
to a period cramp but sharper.
Hang tight.
You can hold my hand
if you need to.
No, I'm okay.
Focus on your breathing
instead of the sensation.
In through the nose,
out through the mouth.
That was quick.
How do you feel?
Un-pregnant...
and starving.
They gave me a pad
for the bleeding.
I never wear pads.
I feel like I have
a burrito between my legs.
Bleeding?
Yeah, totally normal.
It should slow down
in a few hours.
They said if I feel okay later
I could even go back to work.
But you're okay?
I'll be honest,
I'm devastated
I'm not drinking
a milkshake right now.
♪ C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L ♪
♪ smooth love ♪
Thanks for driving me.
My party's gonna be super fun.
Whose car is this?
Company car.
Cool.
I'm really glad
you could make it,
and I hope you guys
like cupcakes.
Fuck, man.
That's my fucking bike.
Slow down!
I'm pregnant!
It's not worth it.
Think of the farm.
The fucking cows, man.
Another romantic meal with
just the three of us.
"Need to push an hour.
7:00 PM okay?"
Dickwad.
If he stands me up again, I'm
just showing up at his apartment
with a notary in one hand
and a baseball bat in the other.
Tell me again why getting
the house is so important.
I don't even know anymore.
I mean,
Debbie's family is throwing
her a party, for fuck's sake.
A gender party.
You gonna go?
It's baby related, so, no.
You'll always be the person
who raised them, you know.
Regardless of what they do
or where they live.
What if I don't want
to be that anymore?
What if I...
just want to be their sister?
Oh, so now you hipsters
want to come in
now that
we don't want you.
Ironic, isn't it?
Don't rile them up.
Kev.
Snuck in through the back.
Got a whisky sour.
Hey, defend
the fortress.
Head up to the roof
and dump acid on their heads.
All right, hang on, Tommy.
Where's your ghetto cred, buddy?
What is this?
Food stamps.
These are stamp stamps.
From a post office.
You even know what
food stamps look like?
All right, tell you what
I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna let you stay
'cause I like your initiative,
but you're gonna have to pay
a cover.
How much?
$10.
$15?
$20?
$20.
Yeah, $20.
Now go tell your friends.
I'll let in four hipsters
every hour, but it's $20 a head.
You got it?
Go tell them.
We're in!
We did it.
All right, but easy.
Easy, easy, easy!
You'll all get your turn.
We're gonna need
to get a bouncer,
and we need to get a scary one.
Like, pants-shitting-ly scary.
Want some coffee?
Sure.
This is all
for your sculpture stuff?
Yeah.
Used to get scraps from
burned-down homes on our runs,
but homeowners don't love it
when firemen take their stuff.
- Cream or sugar?
- Black.
You sell these?
To friends sometimes,
if they're drunk enough.
What's this one?
That's my latest.
I love to find the treasure
inside the trash.
I try to find the secret life
in things.
What it wants to be
instead of what it is.
Is that what you're doing
with me?
That's a good question.
Can I kiss you?
I thought kissing comes after
you've had sex a bunch of times.
Ian, kissing comes
whenever you want it to.
Even now.
Fiona's not coming?
We can just start without her.
So, thank you guys
all so much for coming.
Bathroom?
Oh, it-- right down the hallway.
Um, so as you guys know, I kind
of wanted to keep the gender
of my baby a surprise,
but Erica here,
who's been like a mother to me,
suggested I throw this party
and include everyone,
so, that's what I did.
Um, it's my doctor.
Um, I have take this.
So Sorry.
I'll just-- I'll be one sec.
Wait, Carl!
Fuck!
Um, Frank, I was thinking a lot
about this, and guess what?
I think I'm gonna name the baby
after Erica.
Eric if it's a boy.
- What do you think of that?
- Thumbs up.
Awesome.
Um...
I'm in remission.
- Hey, fantastic!
- Wow! That's so awesome.
We got involved, and
unfortunately my marriage
was in a transitional place
at the time.
I understand that,
while not banned outright
in our code of conduct,
sleeping with students reflects
poor judgment on my part.
It not only jeopardizes my
standing with the university,
but compromises
the emotional well-being
of the student
in question.
I'm willing to take
a probationary leave of absence,
during which time I will prepare
a statement regarding
my behavior that
the University may choose
to make public at any point.
In the meantime,
I have terminated all contact
with said student,
and intend to continue
this course of action.
We also recommend
that you seek counseling.
We understand this is
not your first encounter
with a student in this capacity.
It is simply your most public.
I've already begun
to see a therapist
who specializes
in sex addiction.
Thank you, Dr. Runyon.
We'll render a decision shortly.
It's not a crime
to want to fuck.
I mean, what is it
with you people?
Ah, he hasn't been getting
much sleep.
I've been working him
pretty hard.
We would like to provide you
with mental health services
to help you cope with
this ordeal, Mr. Gallagher.
What happened between Helene
and me wasn't wrong, okay?
And I don't need to cope
with it.
We're--
we're in love.
Okay?
As I've said, this relationship
has been terminated.
Sex addiction?
The hell is that shit?
Look, I know you had to say
that stuff in there
to cover your own ass,
but it's not an ordeal, okay?
Not for me.
Could you stop for a second
and fucking look at me?
So what?
That's it then, huh?
What, that's how you want
to end this?
Don't follow me.
Don't text me.
Stay away from my home,
my husband, my son.
Don't make this any uglier
than you already have.
Yo.
Yo, what'd you do?
I called the cops.
You better split.
Wh-wh-why?
Hey, do you have a sanitary pad
I could borrow?
The machine in the bathroom
might have one from the '80s.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
This is gonna be really quick.
This is Abe, the notary.
Where's my ring?
It's in a safety deposit box
at the bank,
which is closed right now,
but I can grab it for you
first thing tomorrow morning.
Okay, these documents release
your rights to the house
so that I can buy it back
under my name.
So my signature gets you
something you want?
Correct.
Where's the paper
that gets me what I want?
What do you want?
Well,
I wanted a wife who wasn't
a lying,
cheating sack of shit,
but I guess that's impossible,
so...
I'll settle for an explanation.
I want to know why you think
I owe you anything.
You don't.
So this is a-- a favor?
I guess.
I do favors for friends.
We're not friends.
So basically, this is you
asking me for something
and offering me nothing
in return.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, is Fiona here?
Not yet.
You okay?
You need anything?
What, are you hungry?
Can I--
can I stay here tonight?
Uh...
Uh, sure.
You can sleep in Will's bed.
Come on.
♪
Oh,
my only grandson,
what you doing under there?
Everyone's gone.
- They all forgot you?
- Yeah.
- How long you been under there?
- Two days.
It gets cold at night.
I pee my pants to stay warm.
Wise choice.
Hey, how about--
how about sharing some of those
beans with a hungry old man?
♪
I called my mom in prison.
She said someone would get me.
And here I am.
Your messiah.
Hand me the hot sauce,
would you?
It's over.
Gus wouldn't sign.
I can't get the loan
and I lost the house.
Oh, honey.
Hey.
Easy.
I'm so exhausted...
It's okay.
Just breathe.
And my family's shattered,
and Debbie's having a girl
and she can't talk to me...
And I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know
what I'm doing.
You mind if I come in?
Tyler's not back yet
and I'm too excited to sleep.
Sure.
Don't worry, I promise
not to touch you
even though you're way
too adorable.
Here.
I'll stay down on the floor
like a good little bitch.
Oh. Ah.
I can't believe
I got a second shot.
Oh.
I'm gonna try to have a life
this time.
I'm gonna make pipe cleaners,
and...
go to shows and hit the gym.
I'm gonna fuck women!
If Tyler will let me.
Even if he doesn't let me.
I love having you here.
Well, I love being here.
I wish you didn't have to go.
_
Chuckie?
Chuckle Berry!
Hey, Dump Truck, is that you?
Grandma!
Hi.
Come here.
Mmm.
Hi.
Oh.
Queenie?
Oh.
Well, look who it is.
Squirming around in the filth
just like I left you.
How did you find me?
Well, I wasn't looking
for you, baby.
I was looking for this
chubby little menace.
Sammi asked me to watch him
while she's locked up.
It's good to see you.
Slimy fucker.
Oh, God.
Come on, let's do it.
Come on, let's do it.
Come here.
Oh, my God.
Take your pants down.
Take your pants down.
I dug it up.
What the hell is this?
Buy back the house.
_