Shameless (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Hope Springs Paternal - full transcript
Fiona starts to go nuts while under house arrest. Ian shows up at home. Carl almost gets expelled from school, but gets helped out by Frank. Debbie starts to become a woman and connects with the "other sister"
For 20 bucks,
I'll tell you what happened
last week on Shameless.
Thanks.
You're gonna have to have
an abortion.
- Hell, no. I'm not aborting my baby.
- Our baby.
You need to call your family.
Your dad's dying, Ian.
Fuck, Ian.
We're down to two babies.
- What happened?
- Huey ate Dewey.
- You almost killed Liam.
- I didn't do it on purpose.
- Yeah, but you did it.
- I'm not guilty!
Liam almost died!
I heard you talk about
my little brother
on the bus this morning.
(CHANTING}
Cocaine baby brother.
Oh, fuck.
I could watch Liam for you
if you wanted.
I'll send you a text picture
every 30 minutes.
- I need a gun.
- Who you gonna kill?
Alibi got robbed. They stole the keg
that I keep the money in.
We can't be boyfriend
and girlfriend.
- Why are you breaking up with me?
- Because you're too young.
Get the fuck out of my house!
- Is Sheila gonna be mad at me?
- She's out of town.
With this plea agreement,
you will be a felon.
You will be under house arrest
until further notice.
How do you plead to possession
and child endangerment?
I'm guilty.
Do you have any sanitary pads?
- You got your period? Wonderful.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Ever.
- I get it. I get it.
We have tampons, upstairs bathroom,
under the sink.
- You need me to walk you through...
- No. Nope.
Why are you baking at 7 AM?
My probation officer's coming today
and I'm freaking out.
- Is your room clean?
- Why does my room need to be clean?
She's gonna tear the joint apart
looking for anything
that can get me in trouble.
I only have, like, clothes
and school stuff and makeup.
Debs, just do me this one favor,
okay? I can't take any chances.
I'm not the one who
left the cocaine out.
- Do it.
- God.
- Get out.
- Hungry.
We have half a bag of cereal.
Two packs of oatmeal,
and four frozen waffles.
You need to clean your room
before school.
Get rid of anything that can make me
look like a bad parent.
Go. Now.
Those are for my PO.
Upstairs.
Are you dead?
Not a chance. Where were we?
Number nine,
rob a convenience store.
Number 10, recycle scrap metal.
Number 11, prostitution.
Nix that one.
My thrill drill is out of juice.
You got to be kidding me!
- Number 12, sperm bank.
- See number 11.
Some sheik
named "Fahid Ahmed Habib"
or whatever,
is getting a brand-new set of lungs.
- Government flew him in.
- We get the newspaper?
Sheila does. Look. Look.
Shaking hands with his surgeon.
Some towelhead gets to jump the line
because he's an "important ally?"
Guy's got eight teenage wives
dressed in tablecloths.
- Won't even let them drive.
- Look, Sammi.
Chuckie and I are trying...
We're writing...
Oh, fuck it. Show her, Chuckles.
"Kidnap a Walton heir.
Roadside fruit stand."
"Contract killer?"
What are these?
Ways to make money for my surgery.
Hey! What about an app version
of my book?
The drug book that I'm writing?
Got to keep hope alive, right?
Easy, honey.
Here's your oxys and your perkies.
Just like Mama used to make.
Whoa, that is bad.
Okay, all you glu-tards in the house,
wheat-free flapjacks are ready.
- Get them while they suck.
- Hey, short-stack! High five.
What's up with your kid, Phil?
Why's he so damn calm?
He's got brain damage.
Got to tell you, man.
I didn't think this was gonna work.
Adorable. He yours?
No, brother.
Deadbeat parents and so on.
So you take care of him?
Yeah. Yeah, no.
I do my best.
Cool.
- So enjoy.
- Ever get a break from watching him?
Sure, yeah. Sometimes.
I'm free tomorrow morning.
- Around 11.
- Great.
Bye.
Hey, what can I get you, sir?
Jesus Christ, Carl.
- Yes, Deborah?
- Can I use the bathroom?
- Again?
- Girl stuff.
So the bedrooms are all clean.
Who else lives in the house?
My two brothers, Carl and Liam.
My sister, Debbie,
and sometimes my brother Lip.
- All younger?
- Yes.
- Will they help you not re-offend?
- Well, yeah. I'm their guardian.
Is the family fully aware
of the crime committed?
Oh, yes.
Do you have plans to leave
the state of Illinois for any reason?
No.
Are you in possession of firearms
or dangerous weapons?
No.
Are you in contact with anyone
who may cause you
to engage in drug
and alcohol abuse?
No.
Is anyone else in the household
in trouble with the law?
No. Not in the household.
You must get tired of asking
these questions every day.
Do you want a cookie?
I baked them myself.
If you consider squeezing batter
from a tube baking.
Look, I'm not your friend.
I'm here to make sure you don't
violate the terms of your probation.
Right.
So when can I get out of here
and start looking for a job?
I'm the sole earner,
and money's pretty tight.
You can't leave the house
until the report is filed.
- How long does that take?
- Five to ten business days.
Two weeks?
Sometimes quicker,
but I wouldn't count on it.
What happens if I leave?
Does this thing, like, detonate?
If you attempt
to leave the residence,
a radio frequency
transmitter will send
an alert to our service
computer center,
and you, Miss Fiona,
will be in deep shit.
I need a urine sample
so that I can test you for drugs.
No problem.
And I need to watch.
What? Me pissing?
To be sure it's yours.
Believe me,
I enjoy this even less than you do.
You need to wipe first.
Morning.
It is afternoon.
You sleep all day.
- I have baby soon. I cannot work.
- Jeez.
He must take care of me and baby.
You go.
We do not need you.
You sleep here tonight
in this house?
I kill you.
I bash your orange head.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
What?
- No!
- Come here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Is this for real?
Are you really back?
For real. For now.
Oh, my God.
You bastard, I missed you so much.
You're a piece of shit.
You had me so worried.
- Not one call?
- I texted.
Yeah. Real detailed.
"Miss you guys, having fun."
I didn't want you to worry.
Well, I worried more, asshole.
Where the hell were you?
- The army. I enlisted.
- The army?
Yeah, I wanted to find myself.
Didn't think I could do it here.
Don't you have to be 18?
Don't know, don't care. I left.
Stuff got nuts.
- What "stuff?"
- Oh, military trying to control me.
Isn't that what the military does?
Got sick of it.
But, hey, I met some amazing folks.
Got all these great ideas.
I'm a different person.
- We can talk about that later, right?
- Sure.
- Do you want a sandwich?
- Yeah! Oh, starving.
It's yours.
- Nice hardware.
- Yeah, my winter boots don't fit.
All I can get on
are fuck-me pumps and tennis shoes.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, great. Why?
- You seem a little caffeinated.
- I quit smoking.
So what's next for you?
I've been thinking about apprenticing
with this electrician I met.
- You know, learn how to wire stuff.
- What about high school?
Frank finished high school.
It worked out great for him.
- You have to finish, Ian.
- I don't have to do anything.
I'm done living the way
other people want me to live.
But, hey, thanks for the sandwich.
Welcome home.
Yeah, it's a nice little piece.
Quick to action, doesn't jam.
Easy, baby.
- What else you packing?
- What do you mean, like, dick-wise?
No, I mean, that's not
your only weapon, is it?
Well, how many guns
does a guy need?
Well, it depends.
If you wanna create
the illusion of safety,
then one piece is plenty.
But if you really wanna be ready
in the event of an emergency,
you'll need to step it up.
One for every room in the house.
One for your car.
One at work.
And at least two on your person.
How many guns do you own?
I got a Bushmaster AR15.
An HK USP .45,
Glock 23.40 cal.
My Sig Sauer P2269 mm,
.22 Magnum.
A Ruger SP101
and my Walther P22.
I know a guy.
I can hook you up.
My motto is "Prepare and prevent,
don't repair and repent."
What the hell is this,
poolside at the Flamingo?
We got a line of clients upstairs
with their hands down their pants.
Go to work.
And you, don't think
you're getting off
just because you're about to drop
a patty from your fur-burger.
- "Fur-burger?"
- She won't shave.
- I like the way God made me.
- That's nice.
You're late again,
I'm gonna dock you 50.
- Carrot Boy is gone.
- Who's Carrot Boy?
He knows who.
- Where'd he go?
- I don't know. I made him leave.
No room for him when baby comes.
The fuck do I care?
And shave your fucking muff.
Teacher told me
to come down to the office.
I wish I could say it's a pleasure
to see you again, Mr. Gallagher.
- Your handiwork?
- I don't want to brag.
We have a problem.
They're the ones with the problem.
Can't fight for shit.
- Why did you assault these students?
- Talking smack about my brother.
All of them?
And that one's got stupid hair.
That one smells like bologna farts.
And the one whose hand
you smashed in a locker?
And the one you pushed
down the stairs?
Too short, maybe?
I don't remember.
You're hereby suspended from school.
8 AM, Friday morning,
you will come back
with a parent or guardian
and you will apologize
to all these children
in the presence of their parents,
or your suspension
will last indefinitely.
- Which means?
- Expulsion.
Which means?
Go home, Carl.
Come back with a parent.
I can't wait to see who created you.
Hey.
My first class tomorrow is at 11:30,
so we're gonna stay here tonight.
And then Friday it's 8 AM.
So we're gonna stay
at the dorms tomorrow night.
Got it. Got it. Hi! Hi.
- There we go.
- Hi, my big boy.
Did you miss me today?
I missed you, too.
Oh, you brought dinner.
That's great.
That means we can move
tonight's mac and cheese to tomorrow,
which gives us an extra day of food
before we panic.
Panic?
I got to pay the heat and electric
before I buy groceries.
It's pretty bleak.
I got a check coming from the cups.
But that's gonna cover rent.
Food-wise, we're low on everything
but macaroni and mayonnaise.
You saved nothing from your job?
I was trying to catch
up on old bills.
- How did he do today?
- Yeah, he's fine.
- Carl got suspended.
- Shut up, ass-brain.
- Hi, Lip.
- Hey, kiddo. How are you?
- Hey, bud.
- Hey.
I need someone to
go to school with me
Friday morning or I'll be expelled.
Well, I can't leave the house yet.
They need to reschedule.
- Did you tell them I'm stuck at home?
- No.
Well, go in tomorrow
and tell them I'm sick.
I have shingles or mono.
- I'll take you, bruiser. What time?
-8 AM.
Oh, fuck. I got class.
Can you make it later, around noon?
- Parents will be there and stuff.
- Hi, new family.
Door was open.
I won't stay long.
Just want to let you know Dad's at
Sheila's house.
We're living there a bit.
It's a really great place.
Plenty of room, lots of light.
Thanks for the update.
Any of you guys have any extra cash?
Dad wants money for his surgery.
Why not get a job?
My career is taking care of Pops
before he goes.
Well, we're broke.
Wish we could help you.
Okay. Doesn't hurt to ask.
If anyone wants to stop by,
give his morale a boost.
Hope can heal.
Can hope make up for the years
of misery that he put us through?
Maybe. Come by. Find out.
He doesn't deserve
to go out like this.
No one does.
Why not ask Frank
to go to school with you, Carl?
- Ian here?
- He's upstairs.
Ian's here?
See you left.
Took all your shit.
Your bride threatened me
with a claw hammer.
- You're back!
- Oh, hey, guys. Oh, man.
I missed you guys.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- Lip says you stole a helicopter.
- I tried to.
Kind of tipped it.
Blades snapped. Motor caught fire.
Awesome. You shoot anyone?
I never left basic.
You can't shoot anyone there?
You can. I didn't.
You shot no one.
You flew nothing.
Why did you go there
in the first place?
Relationship issues.
- Yeah, you okay?
Yup, all good.
Cool. Alright.
Let's go get some dinner, dorks.
- I'll catch up with you later, yeah?
- Yeah, later, man.
- Alright.
- Come on, dork.
- You coming back?
- Depends.
Will you suck my dick
whenever I want?
Fuck off.
- What you writing?
- Stuff. Notes, ideas.
I'll do it.
Do what?
- Don't make me say it, asswipe.
- Suck my dick.
Whenever I want.
Peas.
- I thought of something.
- Be specific.
We could sell the house.
- Which house?
- This one. Sheila's.
We don't have the title.
Sweet potatoes.
Don't need it. We put a sign out
front, offer way below market.
Have people make cash offers
for earnest money.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Earnest money? Lentils.
They give us three percent
of the purchase price.
We say we'll take it off the market.
We don't, of course.
We just grab the cash.
Do this four or five times,
rake in maybe 11 grand.
- Christ on a crumb bun.
- I know, right?
Nothing like a major scam
to lift a person's spirits.
How do you know all this?
I may have done this once or twice
with one or more husbands.
You really are a Gallagher.
So then my TI comes crashing
through my door, right?
And chases me. I'm so scared.
I run smack into a water fountain,
bust it right off the wall.
- What?
- Water sprays everywhere.
And he wakes everyone up
at 2 AM in the morning,
forces them to watch me do push-ups
in cold water while singing.
Singing?
Well, then it's hi, hi, hey
The army's on its way
Count off the cadence
Loud and strong two, three
For wherever you go
You will always know
That the army goes marching along
- Hey.
- Hey.
Everything okay? Still in school?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's under control.
- Is Mickey here?
- Yeah, he's upstairs. Why?
You always so goddamn noisy
in the morning?
- What?
- Your wife's water broke. Let's go.
- Where?
- The hospital.
- She's having the baby?
- Tell her I said good luck.
- You're not gonna go be with her?
- Hell, no. I got work.
It's not the baby's fault
you guys are a shit show.
Yeah, and it's not my fault
the bitch got knocked up.
- Who the fuck knows if it's mine?
- You're an asshole.
Congrats.
Full house, like old times.
Smells good. Leftovers?
You destroyed my art project.
It's completely ruined.
- You're such a bitch!
- Whoa, Debbie!
She went into my room,
she trashed all of my stuff,
and she kicked all of my clothes
under the bed.
- I asked you to clean up.
- Did you?
She went through mine, too.
She threw away my porn,
my nunchucks, and my taser.
You know how many police dumpsters
I had to go through to find that?
I told you to get rid of that stuff.
I hid it so the stupid PO
wouldn't find it.
Well, luckily,
your stupid sister found it first.
God, maybe next time
you'll do what I ask, both of you.
There's macaroni salad sandwiches
for lunch.
- Extra mayo.
- Don't need it. I'm suspended.
Well, you still need to eat.
We're gonna get out of here, okay?
We'll be back for dinner tonight.
- Well, Lip, you can leave Liam here.
- I got him.
- No, Lip.
- Fiona, just get some sleep, okay?
Hang outwith V.
Relax for fuck's sake.
You guys text me
if anything's going on, okay?
Come on, Carl. Let's go.
- Where are you going?
- To Sheila's.
- Why?
- See if Frank can take me to school.
- Well, when will you be back?
- Later. Get off my ass.
- Bye, Ian.
- Bye, Debs.
Hey.
Want some more?
You got any cash
you could toss my way?
I'm working a double tonight.
You want to stop by?
Yeah, sure.
Got nothing better to do
than watch pruney queens
slap their sacks
against your ass cheeks.
Shit!
Hey! Guys!
Hi, Sheila left me a key.
- I'm so glad you came. Welcome.
- Supposed to water the plants.
- Why is there a for sale sign out?
- Dad, Debbie and Carl are here.
Can you come with me to school
tomorrow morning?
Have to cancel
my morning spin class.
I got suspended for bullying.
Need a parent
to come with me to apologize.
Apol...
Outrageous.
Feed me numbing agents
and drag me to the ring.
- You're in no shape to go anywhere.
- He needs to or I'll get expelled.
I'm so sorry, Carl.
But he's too weak.
- Could I borrow a long sweater?
- Of course, honey.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Do you need anything else?
Oh, okay.
Hey, Carl.
If you grab those balloons
and tie them to the sign out front,
I'll let you hold my gun.
I got my period,
but all Fiona has are tampons
and I'm saving my virginity
until I become a woman.
Okay, first of all,
you can't lose your virginity
to a tampon.
It has to be a penis
with a man attached.
And second, you're already a woman.
Officially.
From the moment Aunt Flo
came knocking at your vagina.
Then why won't my boyfriend
have sex with me until I'm 16?
Wow, they still make them like that?
You got a good one.
Tampons are varsity level,
and you are still JV.
- Here, try these.
- Thanks.
Could I stay here tonight?
I love a sleepover. Absolutely.
Hey, what's up?
I'm trying to take the trash out.
Could you come help?
- Sure. You need anything else?
- How about a gallon of vodka?
I'll be there in 20 minutes.
Thanks.
So we have Legos,
Mr. Potato Head, dinosaurs, cars.
Make sure he eats
at least half his PB&J
before you give him his Cheetos.
And he hasn't pooped today,
but he'll usually grab his butt
and yell, "Doody bomb!"
So you'll have fair warning.
What else?
Keep an eye on his crayons.
He likes to jam them up his nose.
Okay, got it.
This kid, total dreamboat.
The men in my life
should be half as charming.
Okay, then we got Band-Aids,
butt wipes.
Stuffed monkey, of course.
Two bouncy balls, two puzzles,
very Hungry Hippos.
And then we've got a thermometer
and then children's Tylenol.
You know,
just in case he gets a fever.
Okay, how long
are you gonna be gone for?
Three hours.
But you can't be too careful.
You're really a good person.
No, if I were a really good person,
then I would quit school
and I'd stay home full time.
Well, who does that help?
Right.
Okay, so I'll be back at two.
Is that still cool?
Don't forget about the ABC party
tonight at the dorm.
- What's that?
- You know. "Anything But Clothes."
Duct tape, caution tape,
trash bags, bed sheets.
I got a lit paper due tomorrow,
but that sounds fun.
Here you go.
And thank you so much
for doing all this.
I wish I could think of a way
to repay you.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
- Hey. Hi.
- Hey.
So, I got a lab at half-past,
so I only got, like, 20 minutes.
That's okay. I'm quick.
Right, and also,
I'm kind of going through some shit.
So I'm not really looking
for anything too...
Dude, I'm cold, I'm horny.
Let's do this.
Okay. So your laundry room or mine?
What the fuck are you doing here?
I brought you a little gift.
Cronuts. I stood in line 40 minutes.
Only let me have two.
What do you want?
A trendy hybrid pastry for starts.
Yo! Mike told me.
The coke, the kid, jail.
I can't imagine
what you're going through.
I'm stuck in this fucking house.
I just organized Carl's T-shirts
in color order.
I'm going mental.
Can't even make it to the sidewalk
without bells going off.
So should I be expecting
a knock on my door?
- What for?
- It was my coke.
That's why you're here. To see
if I ratted you out to the police.
- And to check on you...
- Fuck you.
- Yes or no?
- No, asshole. I should have.
- They would have let me off easier.
- Yeah, why didn't you?
Because I hate myself
for a number of reasons right now
and I'm not going to add
being a snitch to the list.
You ruined my life,
you know that?
Dropping that little bomb on Mike
in front of your family.
I did you a favor, okay?
The cup job sucks and my brother's
a boring yuppie asshole, alright?
Hey, girl. Sorry I took so long.
Got held up in the bathroom
by the two girls in my gut
sitting on my bladder
blocking my functions.
- Damn, you look like hell.
- Yeah, I'm not sleeping.
Good thing I brought over
some snooze juice.
Alright, alright.
We're accepting cash-only offers
to expedite the sale,
which is why the price is so low.
Our lawyers will hold
the money in escrow.
We need to unload it fast.
Paying two mortgages is killing us.
Plus, Dad needs
to get to a warmer climate ASAP.
- I mean, look at him.
- Easy, Grandpa.
We're looking to do a renovation,
a four-month turnaround.
We'll purchase under ask.
All cash.
Duke it out with the Hasids.
Put an offer about ten minutes ago.
Skinny dudes. You could take them.
This couch is for sale,
and that table, and the TV.
- How much for this chair?
- How much you wanna pay?
- Well, how about...
- Cash only. Please.
Dad, it's working.
They're falling for it.
- Isn't this fun?
- Yeah.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
I'm conserving my energy
for Carl's thing tomorrow.
Every gun's loaded, okay?
So here we got your
Bushmaster XM-15 semi-automatic.
Premium 16-inch chrome-lined
profile barrel.
Oh, sweet.
What about home protection?
I got three little ones on the way.
- Safeguarding the old homestead.
- Hey, second amendment, brother.
Got to protect my freedom
one bullet at a time.
Okay, so Milkor.
M32 MGL-140 grenade launcher.
Protects a shitload of freedoms.
Six-round cylinder, double-action,
military grade weapon.
Missing a few parts,
but it still shoots.
It's heavy.
What are we talking here?
How much?
Well, around five grand.
- Five thousand dollars?
- Yeah.
Come on, man.
How much for the bat?
Holy shit. I got to go.
- Holy shit.
- That's it?
Concierge. Medical coder.
Transcriptionist?
I don't know what half this shit is.
Other than supremely boring?
No one needs me anymore, V.
Debbie's dating.
Lip's in college.
Carl's in trouble at school
and I can't help him.
Who knows what's up with Ian.
They're all growing up.
What did you expect?
Time for you to figure out
your own needs.
Tech support provider.
Underqualified.
Translator.
Underqualified.
- There's porn.
- Overqualified.
Hey, what are you doing?
Finding ways
to make money from home.
Hey, is something burning?
- Smell that?
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit!
- Shit!
- Oh, my God. Oh, shit.
Fire in the hole.
Not my hole.
- You just let it burn?
- We got distracted.
Oh, God.
You're shit-faced.
Since when is it a felony
for a Gallagher to drink?
Calm down. It's my fault.
I brought the vodka.
- And poured it down her throat?
- You told me to relax.
Somebody shut that thing up!
Fuck. Burn the house down, okay?
Burn the food, too.
I can always steal some more
from my shitty work-study job.
I'm going through something here.
Yeah, it looks like you went through
about five beverages in an hour.
Have another one. Why not?
You're your own woman. Right?
No, bang the boss's brother.
Leave coke out on the table
for the kids. Get arrested.
Do whatever the fuck you need to do.
I've got this.
Carl, go upstairs, get your
toothbrush and something to sleep in.
He has the suspension
meeting tomorrow.
No worries.
I'll get him to Sheila's.
Stay up all night studying.
I mean, what the fuck?
It's just an applied physics quiz.
Where's Debbie?
She's at Sheila's with Sammi.
- Veronica!
- Yeah?
- You're not answering your phone?
- I didn't hear it. What's up?
- Carol. She's in labor.
- What? Oh, shit.
- Wish us luck.
- There's something burning.
- Let's go. Come on.
- No.
Hey, come on. Lip, please.
You don't have to take them.
- You're right. I don't.
- Come on. What about dinner?
Enjoy.
Shut up!
Those fingers go anywhere
near that cock,
I'm gonna break every knuckle
in your hand, all 15 of them.
Settle down, rumble fish.
Anyway, a hand only has 14 knuckles.
You want to fucking die?
We got invited to an after-hours
at the loft of one of my regulars.
It's fun. What's wrong with fun?
Nothing unless it involves some fat
faggot shoving his hands down...
What the fuck?
I mean,
I think about him all the time.
Whenever my brain pauses,
he just shows up.
Even when I don't want him to.
What do you think about?
Like, his hair, his eyes.
Sometimes just his name.
- Is that normal?
- Absolutely.
Because my two friends,
Holly and Ellie?
They're always like,
"Boys are stupid"
and they act like
they hate them.
- But I never feel that way.
- How do you feel?
This is weird.
Like I want to protect him.
- Is that weird?
- No, honey.
I also feel sick and dizzy.
That's how everyone gets
when they're falling in love.
But I thought
it was supposed to feel good.
It does sometimes.
The good parts are so good,
you're willing to suffer unbelievable
amount of pain just to get to them.
That's why I have been married
three times and engaged 12.
- But when do the good parts start?
- Well, right now it's hard.
He changed the rules a little bit
by dumping you.
Best thing to do?
Act like you don't give a shit.
How do I do that?
Well, hang out with him.
Make yourself pretty.
Give him the opportunity
to consider what he gave up.
That's how a woman handles things.
And then he'll want me back?
Have to be patient.
This is a long con, baby.
You're in it to win it.
Stay the course.
Got it. Thanks for talking to me.
I can't talk to Fiona
about any of this stuff.
She's a total spaz right now.
But also, I think she's afraid
of ending up alone.
That's her shit, not yours.
All done!
Need help wiping and walking.
Coming, Dad! Be right back.
- P.S., I love having a sister.
- Me, too.
- Hey, kiddo, you doing okay?
- Yeah, is college always like this?
Ask Ron.
Well, I don't party that much.
I try not to play more than
eight hours of Minecraft a day.
You start doing better in school,
all this could be yours.
College rules.
Whoa.
Check out these digs.
Look at that view.
What does this joker do?
He's an engineer
and part-time photographer.
I think he took
some of these pictures actually.
Oh, yeah?
Why did he want you
to come here then, huh?
Oh, come on, not everybody
wants something from me, Mick.
- Ian.
- Hey!
- So happy you could make it.
- Ryan.
Oh, good to be here.
Hey, this is Mickey.
Delighted to meet you.
Could I get either of you a cocktail?
Yeah, you got beer?
I've got some craft brews,
a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat.
How about beer?
Right. Could I be any more of a fag?
One beer coming up. Ian?
Let's see what you got.
- You're new. Hi.
- Hey.
- You here with Ian?
- Yeah.
He's great.
- So what do you do for living?
- I run a business.
- What kind of business?
- Hospitality.
Oh, nice. What realm?
I'm a pimp.
Wait, you're serious?
That's incredible. My dissertation
is on transgender sex work
and symbolic interactionism
within the framework
of hustler-client relations.
You got a card?
Night, Debs.
Night, Frank. Monica.
Good night, Fiona.
Good night, Lip.
Night, Carl and Ian.
Good night, Liam.
It's time.
Oh, shit. Time to be a daddy.
- Wait? What? We missed it?
- Why didn't anyone wake us?
I told her not to.
I needed to do this on my own.
Oh, hey.
Hey. Whoa!
He's nothing. He's just
softness and goo.
Hey, buddy. I'm your daddy.
And your brother-in-law.
How weird is that?
You know, he did that little thing
that babies do
where they can smell
their mommy's milk.
And he could hear my voice
when I was talking to him.
And then he laid up on my chest.
And he found my nipple
and he took a little snack.
You okay, Mama?
It's just a little emotional,
that's all.
Did I take him too soon?
Here you go. Here's Grandma.
Oh, he's such...
He's such a little angel.
He's an angel that you didn't want.
That was hypothetical.
But he came from me.
He's part of me.
- Jesus, Mama.
- I'm sorry.
I just didn't know
I was gonna feel this way.
But he's just...
He's just so beautiful.
It's okay, Mama.
You can visit him
any time you want to.
- He's a little angel.
- Kev.
- Kevin.
- He's my little angel.
- Kev, she wants to keep him.
- She can't.
- She's not gonna let go of that baby.
- Well, she has to.
After everything I've been through,
he's mine, V.
- Kev, three babies?
- I don't care.
That boy is my son.
Look at me.
Hey, look at me.
There can be two.
Our two beautiful baby girls.
She's a good mom.
She'll be great.
Look how well I turned out.
Yeah, well,
the jury's still out on that.
I don't want to lose him, V.
He'll still be right there with Mom.
He'll still be your son.
Your boy. Her responsibility.
Let him go, baby.
Yeah?
I know you don't trust me.
I know you wanna punish me.
And I get it,
I want to punish myself.
I have no way to prove myself
to you or anyone.
But, Christ, Lip.
This relentless,
passive-aggressive bullshit.
It's killing me.
I need my family back, okay?
Please?
Whoa! Whoa. Easy, killer.
I'm taking breakfast orders.
Scrambled eggs, pancakes
or French toast?
Eggs.
And what do you think he'll want?
How the fuck should I know, man?
I'm not his keeper.
Right. Didn't mean to assume.
So did you guys
just meet last night,
or are you together?
- Together.
- Cool.
You're a lucky dude.
There you go.
Fresh as a daisy.
You look terrific.
Now let's go knock them dead.
Good morning.
Frankly, Mr. Gallagher,
your son's behavior
has been among the most egregious
I've seen at this school.
And I've been here a long time.
Don't look a day over 90.
He terrorizes these students
to the point that they move
through my halls in fear.
School should not be
a palace of terror.
It should be a temple of learning.
If children do not feel safe,
how can they learn?
- They can't.
- She's asking me, Chipwich.
The only way to get through to Carl
is have him face the truth
of what he's done
and let him absorb it
in a meaningful way.
Do that, okay?
He can't just do it.
He needs to actively engage.
- Got any suggestions?
- Yeah.
He should apologize to my kid
and every other kid here.
- Individually. Like he means it.
- Oh, spare us the Wiener act.
Bullying is a vital part
of every ecosystem.
It teaches kids resilience.
The world is a rough place.
Bullying is like getting inoculated.
It's a vaccine.
And you, little shit,
you got to learn to stay away
from people like my son.
That's what you learn when you get
punched in the face by a bully.
How do you think Steve Jobs
turned out so great? Bullies.
And I guarantee Junior here
will be getting the hottest chicks
when he's 30
because he got bullied today.
You want your kid to peak now?
My kid will be picking up garbage
in an orange jumpsuit in ten years.
Your kid will be in med school
curing cancer and getting laid.
You're welcome.
What if I wanna cure cancer?
Be lucky you don't get gonorrhea
from your cell mate.
Spoken with love, son.
Home.
I am so proud of you, Dad.
Hey, congratulations, brother.
We lost him.
God, how? Stillbirth?
Carol. She kept him.
- He's not dead?
- No. Just a little less ours.
Sorry to hear that, man.
- Hey, you still got two on the way.
- I was supposed to have four.
I keep losing babies.
What if there was
a Russian satellite
that took out all the communication
in the world?
Poof! Two more babies gone.
Or if there was a mutant virus
that turned us all into zombies?
- That's a movie.
- Several movies.
So? It could happen.
See, babies change your perspective.
There's danger lurking everywhere.
Now, I'm gonna start
collecting survival gear.
Canned goods, medical stuff,
walkie-talkies, flashlights.
My motto?
"Prepare and prevent,
don't repair and repent."
- That's my motto.
- You can't own a motto, Kermit!
- Get him! Get him.
- He disappeared. What the heck?
He'll regenerate behind you
in two seconds.
- Turn around.
- Oh, no! He bit me in the back.
Oh, jerkface.
- So rude.
- Oh, man.
Yeah.
- I'm glad we could stay friends.
- Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
Do you wanna get a pizza?
I wish I could,
but I have a date tonight.
Got to go home and get cleaned up.
OK. Yeah.
Yeah, sure. No problem.
- But it was fun hanging out.
- Yeah.
High five.
- See you.
- I'll see you.
Hi. Hi.
Thanks.
No problem.
And so what have we learned?
Bullying is bad for society.
It hurts people
and makes them feel bad.
- It must be stopped.
- Very good.
Forgot my lunch.
Give me money.
Give me money, Chihuahua.
Come on, give me money.
I'll tell you what happened
last week on Shameless.
Thanks.
You're gonna have to have
an abortion.
- Hell, no. I'm not aborting my baby.
- Our baby.
You need to call your family.
Your dad's dying, Ian.
Fuck, Ian.
We're down to two babies.
- What happened?
- Huey ate Dewey.
- You almost killed Liam.
- I didn't do it on purpose.
- Yeah, but you did it.
- I'm not guilty!
Liam almost died!
I heard you talk about
my little brother
on the bus this morning.
(CHANTING}
Cocaine baby brother.
Oh, fuck.
I could watch Liam for you
if you wanted.
I'll send you a text picture
every 30 minutes.
- I need a gun.
- Who you gonna kill?
Alibi got robbed. They stole the keg
that I keep the money in.
We can't be boyfriend
and girlfriend.
- Why are you breaking up with me?
- Because you're too young.
Get the fuck out of my house!
- Is Sheila gonna be mad at me?
- She's out of town.
With this plea agreement,
you will be a felon.
You will be under house arrest
until further notice.
How do you plead to possession
and child endangerment?
I'm guilty.
Do you have any sanitary pads?
- You got your period? Wonderful.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Ever.
- I get it. I get it.
We have tampons, upstairs bathroom,
under the sink.
- You need me to walk you through...
- No. Nope.
Why are you baking at 7 AM?
My probation officer's coming today
and I'm freaking out.
- Is your room clean?
- Why does my room need to be clean?
She's gonna tear the joint apart
looking for anything
that can get me in trouble.
I only have, like, clothes
and school stuff and makeup.
Debs, just do me this one favor,
okay? I can't take any chances.
I'm not the one who
left the cocaine out.
- Do it.
- God.
- Get out.
- Hungry.
We have half a bag of cereal.
Two packs of oatmeal,
and four frozen waffles.
You need to clean your room
before school.
Get rid of anything that can make me
look like a bad parent.
Go. Now.
Those are for my PO.
Upstairs.
Are you dead?
Not a chance. Where were we?
Number nine,
rob a convenience store.
Number 10, recycle scrap metal.
Number 11, prostitution.
Nix that one.
My thrill drill is out of juice.
You got to be kidding me!
- Number 12, sperm bank.
- See number 11.
Some sheik
named "Fahid Ahmed Habib"
or whatever,
is getting a brand-new set of lungs.
- Government flew him in.
- We get the newspaper?
Sheila does. Look. Look.
Shaking hands with his surgeon.
Some towelhead gets to jump the line
because he's an "important ally?"
Guy's got eight teenage wives
dressed in tablecloths.
- Won't even let them drive.
- Look, Sammi.
Chuckie and I are trying...
We're writing...
Oh, fuck it. Show her, Chuckles.
"Kidnap a Walton heir.
Roadside fruit stand."
"Contract killer?"
What are these?
Ways to make money for my surgery.
Hey! What about an app version
of my book?
The drug book that I'm writing?
Got to keep hope alive, right?
Easy, honey.
Here's your oxys and your perkies.
Just like Mama used to make.
Whoa, that is bad.
Okay, all you glu-tards in the house,
wheat-free flapjacks are ready.
- Get them while they suck.
- Hey, short-stack! High five.
What's up with your kid, Phil?
Why's he so damn calm?
He's got brain damage.
Got to tell you, man.
I didn't think this was gonna work.
Adorable. He yours?
No, brother.
Deadbeat parents and so on.
So you take care of him?
Yeah. Yeah, no.
I do my best.
Cool.
- So enjoy.
- Ever get a break from watching him?
Sure, yeah. Sometimes.
I'm free tomorrow morning.
- Around 11.
- Great.
Bye.
Hey, what can I get you, sir?
Jesus Christ, Carl.
- Yes, Deborah?
- Can I use the bathroom?
- Again?
- Girl stuff.
So the bedrooms are all clean.
Who else lives in the house?
My two brothers, Carl and Liam.
My sister, Debbie,
and sometimes my brother Lip.
- All younger?
- Yes.
- Will they help you not re-offend?
- Well, yeah. I'm their guardian.
Is the family fully aware
of the crime committed?
Oh, yes.
Do you have plans to leave
the state of Illinois for any reason?
No.
Are you in possession of firearms
or dangerous weapons?
No.
Are you in contact with anyone
who may cause you
to engage in drug
and alcohol abuse?
No.
Is anyone else in the household
in trouble with the law?
No. Not in the household.
You must get tired of asking
these questions every day.
Do you want a cookie?
I baked them myself.
If you consider squeezing batter
from a tube baking.
Look, I'm not your friend.
I'm here to make sure you don't
violate the terms of your probation.
Right.
So when can I get out of here
and start looking for a job?
I'm the sole earner,
and money's pretty tight.
You can't leave the house
until the report is filed.
- How long does that take?
- Five to ten business days.
Two weeks?
Sometimes quicker,
but I wouldn't count on it.
What happens if I leave?
Does this thing, like, detonate?
If you attempt
to leave the residence,
a radio frequency
transmitter will send
an alert to our service
computer center,
and you, Miss Fiona,
will be in deep shit.
I need a urine sample
so that I can test you for drugs.
No problem.
And I need to watch.
What? Me pissing?
To be sure it's yours.
Believe me,
I enjoy this even less than you do.
You need to wipe first.
Morning.
It is afternoon.
You sleep all day.
- I have baby soon. I cannot work.
- Jeez.
He must take care of me and baby.
You go.
We do not need you.
You sleep here tonight
in this house?
I kill you.
I bash your orange head.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
What?
- No!
- Come here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Is this for real?
Are you really back?
For real. For now.
Oh, my God.
You bastard, I missed you so much.
You're a piece of shit.
You had me so worried.
- Not one call?
- I texted.
Yeah. Real detailed.
"Miss you guys, having fun."
I didn't want you to worry.
Well, I worried more, asshole.
Where the hell were you?
- The army. I enlisted.
- The army?
Yeah, I wanted to find myself.
Didn't think I could do it here.
Don't you have to be 18?
Don't know, don't care. I left.
Stuff got nuts.
- What "stuff?"
- Oh, military trying to control me.
Isn't that what the military does?
Got sick of it.
But, hey, I met some amazing folks.
Got all these great ideas.
I'm a different person.
- We can talk about that later, right?
- Sure.
- Do you want a sandwich?
- Yeah! Oh, starving.
It's yours.
- Nice hardware.
- Yeah, my winter boots don't fit.
All I can get on
are fuck-me pumps and tennis shoes.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, great. Why?
- You seem a little caffeinated.
- I quit smoking.
So what's next for you?
I've been thinking about apprenticing
with this electrician I met.
- You know, learn how to wire stuff.
- What about high school?
Frank finished high school.
It worked out great for him.
- You have to finish, Ian.
- I don't have to do anything.
I'm done living the way
other people want me to live.
But, hey, thanks for the sandwich.
Welcome home.
Yeah, it's a nice little piece.
Quick to action, doesn't jam.
Easy, baby.
- What else you packing?
- What do you mean, like, dick-wise?
No, I mean, that's not
your only weapon, is it?
Well, how many guns
does a guy need?
Well, it depends.
If you wanna create
the illusion of safety,
then one piece is plenty.
But if you really wanna be ready
in the event of an emergency,
you'll need to step it up.
One for every room in the house.
One for your car.
One at work.
And at least two on your person.
How many guns do you own?
I got a Bushmaster AR15.
An HK USP .45,
Glock 23.40 cal.
My Sig Sauer P2269 mm,
.22 Magnum.
A Ruger SP101
and my Walther P22.
I know a guy.
I can hook you up.
My motto is "Prepare and prevent,
don't repair and repent."
What the hell is this,
poolside at the Flamingo?
We got a line of clients upstairs
with their hands down their pants.
Go to work.
And you, don't think
you're getting off
just because you're about to drop
a patty from your fur-burger.
- "Fur-burger?"
- She won't shave.
- I like the way God made me.
- That's nice.
You're late again,
I'm gonna dock you 50.
- Carrot Boy is gone.
- Who's Carrot Boy?
He knows who.
- Where'd he go?
- I don't know. I made him leave.
No room for him when baby comes.
The fuck do I care?
And shave your fucking muff.
Teacher told me
to come down to the office.
I wish I could say it's a pleasure
to see you again, Mr. Gallagher.
- Your handiwork?
- I don't want to brag.
We have a problem.
They're the ones with the problem.
Can't fight for shit.
- Why did you assault these students?
- Talking smack about my brother.
All of them?
And that one's got stupid hair.
That one smells like bologna farts.
And the one whose hand
you smashed in a locker?
And the one you pushed
down the stairs?
Too short, maybe?
I don't remember.
You're hereby suspended from school.
8 AM, Friday morning,
you will come back
with a parent or guardian
and you will apologize
to all these children
in the presence of their parents,
or your suspension
will last indefinitely.
- Which means?
- Expulsion.
Which means?
Go home, Carl.
Come back with a parent.
I can't wait to see who created you.
Hey.
My first class tomorrow is at 11:30,
so we're gonna stay here tonight.
And then Friday it's 8 AM.
So we're gonna stay
at the dorms tomorrow night.
Got it. Got it. Hi! Hi.
- There we go.
- Hi, my big boy.
Did you miss me today?
I missed you, too.
Oh, you brought dinner.
That's great.
That means we can move
tonight's mac and cheese to tomorrow,
which gives us an extra day of food
before we panic.
Panic?
I got to pay the heat and electric
before I buy groceries.
It's pretty bleak.
I got a check coming from the cups.
But that's gonna cover rent.
Food-wise, we're low on everything
but macaroni and mayonnaise.
You saved nothing from your job?
I was trying to catch
up on old bills.
- How did he do today?
- Yeah, he's fine.
- Carl got suspended.
- Shut up, ass-brain.
- Hi, Lip.
- Hey, kiddo. How are you?
- Hey, bud.
- Hey.
I need someone to
go to school with me
Friday morning or I'll be expelled.
Well, I can't leave the house yet.
They need to reschedule.
- Did you tell them I'm stuck at home?
- No.
Well, go in tomorrow
and tell them I'm sick.
I have shingles or mono.
- I'll take you, bruiser. What time?
-8 AM.
Oh, fuck. I got class.
Can you make it later, around noon?
- Parents will be there and stuff.
- Hi, new family.
Door was open.
I won't stay long.
Just want to let you know Dad's at
Sheila's house.
We're living there a bit.
It's a really great place.
Plenty of room, lots of light.
Thanks for the update.
Any of you guys have any extra cash?
Dad wants money for his surgery.
Why not get a job?
My career is taking care of Pops
before he goes.
Well, we're broke.
Wish we could help you.
Okay. Doesn't hurt to ask.
If anyone wants to stop by,
give his morale a boost.
Hope can heal.
Can hope make up for the years
of misery that he put us through?
Maybe. Come by. Find out.
He doesn't deserve
to go out like this.
No one does.
Why not ask Frank
to go to school with you, Carl?
- Ian here?
- He's upstairs.
Ian's here?
See you left.
Took all your shit.
Your bride threatened me
with a claw hammer.
- You're back!
- Oh, hey, guys. Oh, man.
I missed you guys.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- Lip says you stole a helicopter.
- I tried to.
Kind of tipped it.
Blades snapped. Motor caught fire.
Awesome. You shoot anyone?
I never left basic.
You can't shoot anyone there?
You can. I didn't.
You shot no one.
You flew nothing.
Why did you go there
in the first place?
Relationship issues.
- Yeah, you okay?
Yup, all good.
Cool. Alright.
Let's go get some dinner, dorks.
- I'll catch up with you later, yeah?
- Yeah, later, man.
- Alright.
- Come on, dork.
- You coming back?
- Depends.
Will you suck my dick
whenever I want?
Fuck off.
- What you writing?
- Stuff. Notes, ideas.
I'll do it.
Do what?
- Don't make me say it, asswipe.
- Suck my dick.
Whenever I want.
Peas.
- I thought of something.
- Be specific.
We could sell the house.
- Which house?
- This one. Sheila's.
We don't have the title.
Sweet potatoes.
Don't need it. We put a sign out
front, offer way below market.
Have people make cash offers
for earnest money.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Earnest money? Lentils.
They give us three percent
of the purchase price.
We say we'll take it off the market.
We don't, of course.
We just grab the cash.
Do this four or five times,
rake in maybe 11 grand.
- Christ on a crumb bun.
- I know, right?
Nothing like a major scam
to lift a person's spirits.
How do you know all this?
I may have done this once or twice
with one or more husbands.
You really are a Gallagher.
So then my TI comes crashing
through my door, right?
And chases me. I'm so scared.
I run smack into a water fountain,
bust it right off the wall.
- What?
- Water sprays everywhere.
And he wakes everyone up
at 2 AM in the morning,
forces them to watch me do push-ups
in cold water while singing.
Singing?
Well, then it's hi, hi, hey
The army's on its way
Count off the cadence
Loud and strong two, three
For wherever you go
You will always know
That the army goes marching along
- Hey.
- Hey.
Everything okay? Still in school?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's under control.
- Is Mickey here?
- Yeah, he's upstairs. Why?
You always so goddamn noisy
in the morning?
- What?
- Your wife's water broke. Let's go.
- Where?
- The hospital.
- She's having the baby?
- Tell her I said good luck.
- You're not gonna go be with her?
- Hell, no. I got work.
It's not the baby's fault
you guys are a shit show.
Yeah, and it's not my fault
the bitch got knocked up.
- Who the fuck knows if it's mine?
- You're an asshole.
Congrats.
Full house, like old times.
Smells good. Leftovers?
You destroyed my art project.
It's completely ruined.
- You're such a bitch!
- Whoa, Debbie!
She went into my room,
she trashed all of my stuff,
and she kicked all of my clothes
under the bed.
- I asked you to clean up.
- Did you?
She went through mine, too.
She threw away my porn,
my nunchucks, and my taser.
You know how many police dumpsters
I had to go through to find that?
I told you to get rid of that stuff.
I hid it so the stupid PO
wouldn't find it.
Well, luckily,
your stupid sister found it first.
God, maybe next time
you'll do what I ask, both of you.
There's macaroni salad sandwiches
for lunch.
- Extra mayo.
- Don't need it. I'm suspended.
Well, you still need to eat.
We're gonna get out of here, okay?
We'll be back for dinner tonight.
- Well, Lip, you can leave Liam here.
- I got him.
- No, Lip.
- Fiona, just get some sleep, okay?
Hang outwith V.
Relax for fuck's sake.
You guys text me
if anything's going on, okay?
Come on, Carl. Let's go.
- Where are you going?
- To Sheila's.
- Why?
- See if Frank can take me to school.
- Well, when will you be back?
- Later. Get off my ass.
- Bye, Ian.
- Bye, Debs.
Hey.
Want some more?
You got any cash
you could toss my way?
I'm working a double tonight.
You want to stop by?
Yeah, sure.
Got nothing better to do
than watch pruney queens
slap their sacks
against your ass cheeks.
Shit!
Hey! Guys!
Hi, Sheila left me a key.
- I'm so glad you came. Welcome.
- Supposed to water the plants.
- Why is there a for sale sign out?
- Dad, Debbie and Carl are here.
Can you come with me to school
tomorrow morning?
Have to cancel
my morning spin class.
I got suspended for bullying.
Need a parent
to come with me to apologize.
Apol...
Outrageous.
Feed me numbing agents
and drag me to the ring.
- You're in no shape to go anywhere.
- He needs to or I'll get expelled.
I'm so sorry, Carl.
But he's too weak.
- Could I borrow a long sweater?
- Of course, honey.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Do you need anything else?
Oh, okay.
Hey, Carl.
If you grab those balloons
and tie them to the sign out front,
I'll let you hold my gun.
I got my period,
but all Fiona has are tampons
and I'm saving my virginity
until I become a woman.
Okay, first of all,
you can't lose your virginity
to a tampon.
It has to be a penis
with a man attached.
And second, you're already a woman.
Officially.
From the moment Aunt Flo
came knocking at your vagina.
Then why won't my boyfriend
have sex with me until I'm 16?
Wow, they still make them like that?
You got a good one.
Tampons are varsity level,
and you are still JV.
- Here, try these.
- Thanks.
Could I stay here tonight?
I love a sleepover. Absolutely.
Hey, what's up?
I'm trying to take the trash out.
Could you come help?
- Sure. You need anything else?
- How about a gallon of vodka?
I'll be there in 20 minutes.
Thanks.
So we have Legos,
Mr. Potato Head, dinosaurs, cars.
Make sure he eats
at least half his PB&J
before you give him his Cheetos.
And he hasn't pooped today,
but he'll usually grab his butt
and yell, "Doody bomb!"
So you'll have fair warning.
What else?
Keep an eye on his crayons.
He likes to jam them up his nose.
Okay, got it.
This kid, total dreamboat.
The men in my life
should be half as charming.
Okay, then we got Band-Aids,
butt wipes.
Stuffed monkey, of course.
Two bouncy balls, two puzzles,
very Hungry Hippos.
And then we've got a thermometer
and then children's Tylenol.
You know,
just in case he gets a fever.
Okay, how long
are you gonna be gone for?
Three hours.
But you can't be too careful.
You're really a good person.
No, if I were a really good person,
then I would quit school
and I'd stay home full time.
Well, who does that help?
Right.
Okay, so I'll be back at two.
Is that still cool?
Don't forget about the ABC party
tonight at the dorm.
- What's that?
- You know. "Anything But Clothes."
Duct tape, caution tape,
trash bags, bed sheets.
I got a lit paper due tomorrow,
but that sounds fun.
Here you go.
And thank you so much
for doing all this.
I wish I could think of a way
to repay you.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
- Hey. Hi.
- Hey.
So, I got a lab at half-past,
so I only got, like, 20 minutes.
That's okay. I'm quick.
Right, and also,
I'm kind of going through some shit.
So I'm not really looking
for anything too...
Dude, I'm cold, I'm horny.
Let's do this.
Okay. So your laundry room or mine?
What the fuck are you doing here?
I brought you a little gift.
Cronuts. I stood in line 40 minutes.
Only let me have two.
What do you want?
A trendy hybrid pastry for starts.
Yo! Mike told me.
The coke, the kid, jail.
I can't imagine
what you're going through.
I'm stuck in this fucking house.
I just organized Carl's T-shirts
in color order.
I'm going mental.
Can't even make it to the sidewalk
without bells going off.
So should I be expecting
a knock on my door?
- What for?
- It was my coke.
That's why you're here. To see
if I ratted you out to the police.
- And to check on you...
- Fuck you.
- Yes or no?
- No, asshole. I should have.
- They would have let me off easier.
- Yeah, why didn't you?
Because I hate myself
for a number of reasons right now
and I'm not going to add
being a snitch to the list.
You ruined my life,
you know that?
Dropping that little bomb on Mike
in front of your family.
I did you a favor, okay?
The cup job sucks and my brother's
a boring yuppie asshole, alright?
Hey, girl. Sorry I took so long.
Got held up in the bathroom
by the two girls in my gut
sitting on my bladder
blocking my functions.
- Damn, you look like hell.
- Yeah, I'm not sleeping.
Good thing I brought over
some snooze juice.
Alright, alright.
We're accepting cash-only offers
to expedite the sale,
which is why the price is so low.
Our lawyers will hold
the money in escrow.
We need to unload it fast.
Paying two mortgages is killing us.
Plus, Dad needs
to get to a warmer climate ASAP.
- I mean, look at him.
- Easy, Grandpa.
We're looking to do a renovation,
a four-month turnaround.
We'll purchase under ask.
All cash.
Duke it out with the Hasids.
Put an offer about ten minutes ago.
Skinny dudes. You could take them.
This couch is for sale,
and that table, and the TV.
- How much for this chair?
- How much you wanna pay?
- Well, how about...
- Cash only. Please.
Dad, it's working.
They're falling for it.
- Isn't this fun?
- Yeah.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
I'm conserving my energy
for Carl's thing tomorrow.
Every gun's loaded, okay?
So here we got your
Bushmaster XM-15 semi-automatic.
Premium 16-inch chrome-lined
profile barrel.
Oh, sweet.
What about home protection?
I got three little ones on the way.
- Safeguarding the old homestead.
- Hey, second amendment, brother.
Got to protect my freedom
one bullet at a time.
Okay, so Milkor.
M32 MGL-140 grenade launcher.
Protects a shitload of freedoms.
Six-round cylinder, double-action,
military grade weapon.
Missing a few parts,
but it still shoots.
It's heavy.
What are we talking here?
How much?
Well, around five grand.
- Five thousand dollars?
- Yeah.
Come on, man.
How much for the bat?
Holy shit. I got to go.
- Holy shit.
- That's it?
Concierge. Medical coder.
Transcriptionist?
I don't know what half this shit is.
Other than supremely boring?
No one needs me anymore, V.
Debbie's dating.
Lip's in college.
Carl's in trouble at school
and I can't help him.
Who knows what's up with Ian.
They're all growing up.
What did you expect?
Time for you to figure out
your own needs.
Tech support provider.
Underqualified.
Translator.
Underqualified.
- There's porn.
- Overqualified.
Hey, what are you doing?
Finding ways
to make money from home.
Hey, is something burning?
- Smell that?
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit!
- Shit!
- Oh, my God. Oh, shit.
Fire in the hole.
Not my hole.
- You just let it burn?
- We got distracted.
Oh, God.
You're shit-faced.
Since when is it a felony
for a Gallagher to drink?
Calm down. It's my fault.
I brought the vodka.
- And poured it down her throat?
- You told me to relax.
Somebody shut that thing up!
Fuck. Burn the house down, okay?
Burn the food, too.
I can always steal some more
from my shitty work-study job.
I'm going through something here.
Yeah, it looks like you went through
about five beverages in an hour.
Have another one. Why not?
You're your own woman. Right?
No, bang the boss's brother.
Leave coke out on the table
for the kids. Get arrested.
Do whatever the fuck you need to do.
I've got this.
Carl, go upstairs, get your
toothbrush and something to sleep in.
He has the suspension
meeting tomorrow.
No worries.
I'll get him to Sheila's.
Stay up all night studying.
I mean, what the fuck?
It's just an applied physics quiz.
Where's Debbie?
She's at Sheila's with Sammi.
- Veronica!
- Yeah?
- You're not answering your phone?
- I didn't hear it. What's up?
- Carol. She's in labor.
- What? Oh, shit.
- Wish us luck.
- There's something burning.
- Let's go. Come on.
- No.
Hey, come on. Lip, please.
You don't have to take them.
- You're right. I don't.
- Come on. What about dinner?
Enjoy.
Shut up!
Those fingers go anywhere
near that cock,
I'm gonna break every knuckle
in your hand, all 15 of them.
Settle down, rumble fish.
Anyway, a hand only has 14 knuckles.
You want to fucking die?
We got invited to an after-hours
at the loft of one of my regulars.
It's fun. What's wrong with fun?
Nothing unless it involves some fat
faggot shoving his hands down...
What the fuck?
I mean,
I think about him all the time.
Whenever my brain pauses,
he just shows up.
Even when I don't want him to.
What do you think about?
Like, his hair, his eyes.
Sometimes just his name.
- Is that normal?
- Absolutely.
Because my two friends,
Holly and Ellie?
They're always like,
"Boys are stupid"
and they act like
they hate them.
- But I never feel that way.
- How do you feel?
This is weird.
Like I want to protect him.
- Is that weird?
- No, honey.
I also feel sick and dizzy.
That's how everyone gets
when they're falling in love.
But I thought
it was supposed to feel good.
It does sometimes.
The good parts are so good,
you're willing to suffer unbelievable
amount of pain just to get to them.
That's why I have been married
three times and engaged 12.
- But when do the good parts start?
- Well, right now it's hard.
He changed the rules a little bit
by dumping you.
Best thing to do?
Act like you don't give a shit.
How do I do that?
Well, hang out with him.
Make yourself pretty.
Give him the opportunity
to consider what he gave up.
That's how a woman handles things.
And then he'll want me back?
Have to be patient.
This is a long con, baby.
You're in it to win it.
Stay the course.
Got it. Thanks for talking to me.
I can't talk to Fiona
about any of this stuff.
She's a total spaz right now.
But also, I think she's afraid
of ending up alone.
That's her shit, not yours.
All done!
Need help wiping and walking.
Coming, Dad! Be right back.
- P.S., I love having a sister.
- Me, too.
- Hey, kiddo, you doing okay?
- Yeah, is college always like this?
Ask Ron.
Well, I don't party that much.
I try not to play more than
eight hours of Minecraft a day.
You start doing better in school,
all this could be yours.
College rules.
Whoa.
Check out these digs.
Look at that view.
What does this joker do?
He's an engineer
and part-time photographer.
I think he took
some of these pictures actually.
Oh, yeah?
Why did he want you
to come here then, huh?
Oh, come on, not everybody
wants something from me, Mick.
- Ian.
- Hey!
- So happy you could make it.
- Ryan.
Oh, good to be here.
Hey, this is Mickey.
Delighted to meet you.
Could I get either of you a cocktail?
Yeah, you got beer?
I've got some craft brews,
a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat.
How about beer?
Right. Could I be any more of a fag?
One beer coming up. Ian?
Let's see what you got.
- You're new. Hi.
- Hey.
- You here with Ian?
- Yeah.
He's great.
- So what do you do for living?
- I run a business.
- What kind of business?
- Hospitality.
Oh, nice. What realm?
I'm a pimp.
Wait, you're serious?
That's incredible. My dissertation
is on transgender sex work
and symbolic interactionism
within the framework
of hustler-client relations.
You got a card?
Night, Debs.
Night, Frank. Monica.
Good night, Fiona.
Good night, Lip.
Night, Carl and Ian.
Good night, Liam.
It's time.
Oh, shit. Time to be a daddy.
- Wait? What? We missed it?
- Why didn't anyone wake us?
I told her not to.
I needed to do this on my own.
Oh, hey.
Hey. Whoa!
He's nothing. He's just
softness and goo.
Hey, buddy. I'm your daddy.
And your brother-in-law.
How weird is that?
You know, he did that little thing
that babies do
where they can smell
their mommy's milk.
And he could hear my voice
when I was talking to him.
And then he laid up on my chest.
And he found my nipple
and he took a little snack.
You okay, Mama?
It's just a little emotional,
that's all.
Did I take him too soon?
Here you go. Here's Grandma.
Oh, he's such...
He's such a little angel.
He's an angel that you didn't want.
That was hypothetical.
But he came from me.
He's part of me.
- Jesus, Mama.
- I'm sorry.
I just didn't know
I was gonna feel this way.
But he's just...
He's just so beautiful.
It's okay, Mama.
You can visit him
any time you want to.
- He's a little angel.
- Kev.
- Kevin.
- He's my little angel.
- Kev, she wants to keep him.
- She can't.
- She's not gonna let go of that baby.
- Well, she has to.
After everything I've been through,
he's mine, V.
- Kev, three babies?
- I don't care.
That boy is my son.
Look at me.
Hey, look at me.
There can be two.
Our two beautiful baby girls.
She's a good mom.
She'll be great.
Look how well I turned out.
Yeah, well,
the jury's still out on that.
I don't want to lose him, V.
He'll still be right there with Mom.
He'll still be your son.
Your boy. Her responsibility.
Let him go, baby.
Yeah?
I know you don't trust me.
I know you wanna punish me.
And I get it,
I want to punish myself.
I have no way to prove myself
to you or anyone.
But, Christ, Lip.
This relentless,
passive-aggressive bullshit.
It's killing me.
I need my family back, okay?
Please?
Whoa! Whoa. Easy, killer.
I'm taking breakfast orders.
Scrambled eggs, pancakes
or French toast?
Eggs.
And what do you think he'll want?
How the fuck should I know, man?
I'm not his keeper.
Right. Didn't mean to assume.
So did you guys
just meet last night,
or are you together?
- Together.
- Cool.
You're a lucky dude.
There you go.
Fresh as a daisy.
You look terrific.
Now let's go knock them dead.
Good morning.
Frankly, Mr. Gallagher,
your son's behavior
has been among the most egregious
I've seen at this school.
And I've been here a long time.
Don't look a day over 90.
He terrorizes these students
to the point that they move
through my halls in fear.
School should not be
a palace of terror.
It should be a temple of learning.
If children do not feel safe,
how can they learn?
- They can't.
- She's asking me, Chipwich.
The only way to get through to Carl
is have him face the truth
of what he's done
and let him absorb it
in a meaningful way.
Do that, okay?
He can't just do it.
He needs to actively engage.
- Got any suggestions?
- Yeah.
He should apologize to my kid
and every other kid here.
- Individually. Like he means it.
- Oh, spare us the Wiener act.
Bullying is a vital part
of every ecosystem.
It teaches kids resilience.
The world is a rough place.
Bullying is like getting inoculated.
It's a vaccine.
And you, little shit,
you got to learn to stay away
from people like my son.
That's what you learn when you get
punched in the face by a bully.
How do you think Steve Jobs
turned out so great? Bullies.
And I guarantee Junior here
will be getting the hottest chicks
when he's 30
because he got bullied today.
You want your kid to peak now?
My kid will be picking up garbage
in an orange jumpsuit in ten years.
Your kid will be in med school
curing cancer and getting laid.
You're welcome.
What if I wanna cure cancer?
Be lucky you don't get gonorrhea
from your cell mate.
Spoken with love, son.
Home.
I am so proud of you, Dad.
Hey, congratulations, brother.
We lost him.
God, how? Stillbirth?
Carol. She kept him.
- He's not dead?
- No. Just a little less ours.
Sorry to hear that, man.
- Hey, you still got two on the way.
- I was supposed to have four.
I keep losing babies.
What if there was
a Russian satellite
that took out all the communication
in the world?
Poof! Two more babies gone.
Or if there was a mutant virus
that turned us all into zombies?
- That's a movie.
- Several movies.
So? It could happen.
See, babies change your perspective.
There's danger lurking everywhere.
Now, I'm gonna start
collecting survival gear.
Canned goods, medical stuff,
walkie-talkies, flashlights.
My motto?
"Prepare and prevent,
don't repair and repent."
- That's my motto.
- You can't own a motto, Kermit!
- Get him! Get him.
- He disappeared. What the heck?
He'll regenerate behind you
in two seconds.
- Turn around.
- Oh, no! He bit me in the back.
Oh, jerkface.
- So rude.
- Oh, man.
Yeah.
- I'm glad we could stay friends.
- Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
Do you wanna get a pizza?
I wish I could,
but I have a date tonight.
Got to go home and get cleaned up.
OK. Yeah.
Yeah, sure. No problem.
- But it was fun hanging out.
- Yeah.
High five.
- See you.
- I'll see you.
Hi. Hi.
Thanks.
No problem.
And so what have we learned?
Bullying is bad for society.
It hurts people
and makes them feel bad.
- It must be stopped.
- Very good.
Forgot my lunch.
Give me money.
Give me money, Chihuahua.
Come on, give me money.