Shameless (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Frank the Plumber - full transcript

- I-I don't really know
what happened

On shameleslast week.

Call once you find out.

- I'm home now.

Mandy, I know
you're seeing lip.

But like I told him,
I think it's great.

- You knew karen
was in town, didn't you?

If you've got a problem with me
being here, just say so.

- I have a problem
with you being here.

- What do you want?
- Take your clothes off.

- Plumber's apprentice.
I can do that.

- Do you have experience?
- I fixed our toilet.

- You shook the handle.
Well, here's a good one.

Barista at the coffee beanery.

- Jimmy.
Andy from med school.

You remember adam britt,
nick stathis, mark.

We're grabbing dinner
tomorrow night.

You should join us.

- She's gonna fuck the faggot
out of you, kid.

And you're goddamn
gonna watch.

- Karen?
- [gasps]

- You told me you came home
to be with hymie.

But you told the wongs
to come take hymie.

- Dead bolts,
front and back.

Frank's not allowed in anymore.

- Frank, I'm chris.

Would you be my sponsor?

My previous sponsor moved out.

- What, he lived with you?
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry. Let me introduce
myself properly.

Frank gallagher.

- Night, frank.

- Good night, christopher.

[claps]

[high strung's
the luck you got]

♪

- ♪ think of all the luck
you got ♪

♪ know that
it's not for naught ♪

♪ you were beaming
once before ♪

♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ what is this downside

♪ that you speak of?

♪ what is this feeling

♪ you're so sure of?

♪

♪ round up the friends
you got ♪

♪ know that
they're not for naught ♪

♪ you were willing
once before ♪

♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ what is this downside

♪ that you speak of?

♪ what is this feeling

♪ you're so sure of?

[rock music]

♪

- What do you think?

- Great for a coke orgy,
not for an office job.

- This is my nicest dress.
- No, I know.

I didn't say
that it wasn't nice.

I just said you can't wear it
to an office.

- You said "coke orgy."

You okay?
- Uh, yeah, just tired.

Didn't sleep well.
- Take a nap later.

- Naps are for kids
and college students.

I gotta go to work.

- You sure I can't--
- 100% sure.

[baby squeals]

- Hey, you got an extra
one of those?

- You're gonna be late!
- Got nothing to wear.

Gonna see what v has.

- Is your new job
at a strip club?

- Ha, ha.
- I wasn't kidding.

- It's a temp office job,
so I don't know

How long the day's gonna be.

I expect all of you
to help jimmy with dinner

And get your homework done
and generally avoid

Setting the house on fire.

- Overcompensating.

- She feels guilty for
turning us into latchkey kids.

- What's a latchkey kid?

- Hey.

- I left some stuff here
that I need.

- Is it wrong if I just
leave for school?

- Later.

[baby babbles]

- All right.
- [squeals]

- [grunts]

[upbeat music]

♪

- [belches]

- [laughs]

♪

[both laughing]

- [laughing]

- What's funny?
- Garfield.

He's always so hungry.

[laughs]

What are you reading about?

- A bunch of uppity queers
claiming that

Domestic partnership rights
are not good enough for them.

- They get offended when
you call them queers, frank.

- Calling people
by their name is not,

Nor should it ever,
be argued as offensive.

God almighty.

- You okay?
- No!

I'm a pauper, and somehow
I got the king's disease.

- Gonorrhea?

- Kings don't screw whores.

They screw virgins
or their nieces.

The king's disease is gout.

Big toe is throbbing
like blue balls

That no blowjob
can ever fix.

You got any percs or vikes?

- No, but I could
call my doctor,

See if she can fit you in.

She's super nice.
Korean. Small fingers.

- No, thank you.
Doctors are crooks,

Especially the korean ones.

Never trust a culture
that makes sausages from dogs.

- Frank, I'm pretty sure
that's racist.

- Accurate is not racist.

Write that down
in your a.A. Journal.

Hold on.
You work for the city.

- Yeah.
- We live together.

You cook for me,
clean for me, shop for me.

That makes us family.

- Oh, frank, I'm touched.

- We qualify for domestic
partnership rights.

I can use your insurance,
go to the lady doctor

With the small fingers
for free.

- No. No, no.

Those laws
do not apply to us.

- Why not?

Why should our heterosexual
proclivities

Prevent us
from collecting our due?

That is heterophobia,
and I won't stand for it.

- You won't?

- The squeaky wheel
gets the grease.

Write that down,
christopher.

- You mean
everything you said?

- No.

- Well, how much of it
did you mean?

- I don't know--I mean,
I meant a little bit of it.

You know, I think
there's some things that

We could stand to talk about,
but mostly, I just--

- Was in douche land?

- Not my choice of words,
but--

- Why does karen jackson
still have pictures of you

On her facebook page?

- I have no fucking idea.

- Well, if there's nothing going
on between the two of you--

- Mandy, I don't go
on to facebook, okay?

'cause I don't give a shit
about whose pet just died

Or who just checked in
at the fucking mcdonald's.

- She's a skanky,
manipulative bitch.

You should un-friend her.

Also, you have an appointment
this afternoon

With the alumni rep from m.I.T.

It's 3:30. Here.

- What?
- It's a good thing.

It means you got past
the first round.

- Yeah. No, no, no.
I know that.

But, um, I never applied
for m.I.T.

- Yeah, you did.
Also carnegie mellon,

Northwestern, columbia,
stanford, and penn.

Come on,
I can't be late today.

- Whoa, wait. Hang on.

You applied
to all those schools for me?

- A few fallbacks, too,
just in case.

- No, no. Wait.

- This is perfect.
Where did you get this?

- I used to do the sexy
librarian thing--

Glasses, hair bun,
the whole bit.

But you need hose.
Those offices pump in the a.C.

- Oh, nah. I'm warm-blooded.
I'll be good.

Kev, do guys get p.M.S.?

- Are you asking me if I bleed
from my nuts once a month?

- I'm asking if guys get their
own version of--

I don't know,
hormonal bullshit.

- Nope.
- Yes, he does.

- Do not.
- Remember when you broke

The tv remote last month
for no good reason?

- It wouldn't fucking work.
That's a good reason.

- We get weepy.
They get angry.

- Jimmy doesn't
seem angry exactly.

He seems quiet.
- Oh, god. Stop.

Would you stop right there?

We get quiet for one minute,
and you guys

Think that we're obsessing
about the relationship.

And all we're thinking is,
"I wonder if

There's any more cheese."

- You mean we make you smarter
than you are?

- No, no, no.

You make us more interested
in you than we are.

- Oh, don't mind him.

He's just mad 'cause somebody
cut off the tip of his penis

When he was too young
to defend himself.

- V, don't start that shit!

- What are we talking about?

- Whether or not
to circumcise our baby.

- Are you--wait. Is your mom--
- no, no one's pregnant.

And if somebody
were pregnant,

It still may not
even be a boy.

- But if it is a boy--
- if it is a boy,

You gotta circumcise.

I mean, have you ever
seen one that's uncut?

You don't know
what's going on up in there.

It does not make you
want to go downtown.

And you want your kid
to get his share of head, right?

- Thank you!

- Or not? Crap. Sorry.

Thanks for the suit.
Gotta go.

Bye. Love you. Okay.

[door shuts]

[knock at door]

- Morning.
- Morning, jody.

Fiona said you guys
were gonna watch liam today?

- Uh, I gotta work.

But it'll be good
for sheila to watch him.

Sheila, debbie's here.

I gotta go, babe. Sit up.

Sitting up's
a real good start.

I, uh--I gotta go.

- Sheila, are you okay?

- I'm fine.

Of course, I'm--I'm fine.

- Fiona said you were gonna
watch liam today.

- Yes, that's fine.

It'll be nice to have a baby.

- Good morning, mom.

[sighs]

- Hi, karen.
- Hey.

- Have you had any breakfast?

- [sobbing]

- [snaps fingers]
yo, chief.

I asked for
a bone-dry cappuccino.

This isn't bone-dry.

- Oh, so you're talking about,
like,

The kind of bone that's been
left out in the sun?

'cause living bones
are 35% water,

And they bleed
when you break them.

- Are you freaking kidding me?

No, not you, man. Sorry.

Coffee shop boy
is giving me lip. Hang on.

Dude, when I spend as much
for a cup of coffee

As a gallon of gas,
I get it how I want it.

Remake it bone-dry, dirt-dry,
fucking desert-dry, okay?

Do it now.
- Very sorry, sir.

We'll take care of that
right away.

Just do it.

- I don't understand.
You really don't get

Why I have a problem with this?
- No.

- Really?
- No!

- Ian, do you get
why I have a problem with this?

- Not getting in the middle.

- Why are you being
such a dick about this?

Those applications
are 90 pages long.

It took me forever
to fill them out.

Walk the fuck away.

- Wow. You're--
- what? I'm what?

- You're not my mother.

You're not in charge
of who I talk to

Or who has a picture of me
on facebook.

And you're sure as shit
not in charge

Of if I go to college!

- You think he's right?

Men are never right.

That's why women were invented,

To think for you assholes.

I mean, look at mickey, marrying
some whore he knocked up.

- What?

- Men are weak and stupid,
even the good ones.

I mean, especially
the good ones.

And I'm not gonna
watch lip fuck up his life

The way that mickey's
fucking up his.

[school bell chimes]

- Hey, sheila, I made you some
cinnamon toast and coffee.

Cinnamon toast and coffee
always makes me

Feel a little better
when I'm down.

It's just, you have to sit up
to eat it.

- [sobs]
- come on, sheila.

Sit up.
You'll feel better, I promise.

- [sobs]

- You the temp?

- Yeah, hi. Yes.
Fiona gallagher.

- Nice to meet you, fiona.
I'm connie.

We're all
on a first-name basis here.

It's a family-run company,
real friendly place.

- Okay, great. Thanks.
- Follow me.

You'll be covering
for maria.

She's a cold caller
in our marketing department.

And last week, Friday,
she was having cramps,

But it wasn't
her time of the month.

And I told her not to ignore it,
but did she listen?

Appendicitis. She barely
made it there in time.

Honest, it was about to burst.
And then who knows?

- Wow, that's--
- yeah, so, if you're

Having cramps
on your left side,

And it's not
your time of the month,

You shouldn't ignore it,
or you could very well die.

- That's good to know.
- Isn't it?

You can drop your bag there,
and I'll show you around.

- Okay.
- That's the copy room,

The warehouse, the kitchen,
treadmill, water cooler.

That's the fridge.
Anything with a label on it

Belongs to somebody else,
except for the yogurts.

Margie never labels them
because everyone

Just knows she's always
on a diet.

So if you know
what's good for you--

- Stay away from the yogurt.
Got it.

- But the donuts on the table
are fair game.

- Fair game as in free?

- We all take turns
buying a box.

But you're a temp,
so you can just have one.

That's the bathroom,
women's room.

Once you get settled in,

You'll be making calls
from this list.

And you'll read
from this script.

It's real simple.
You'll start here.

And if they say this,
you say this.

If they say this,
you say this.

You get the idea?

You're calling customers
who haven't

Placed an order
for a while.

So if you get a bite,
you transfer them

Straight away to sales
by pressing this button.

They'll close the deal.

- So, uh, I'm the fluffer
and they're the happy ending?

I'm sorry, uh--

I have a lot of brothers.

- All right.

I'll be over there,
if you have any questions.

- [sighs]

- What do you mean,
living together for a year?

What kind of a rule is that?

- We call that rule a law.

- Well, it just so happens,
I was mistaken.

Christopher and I have been
living together

For a year, well over a year.

- Sir, if you just
let me explain--

- And just because my name
isn't on the utility bill,

That is no reason to deny me
my basic civil rights.

- Sir, I'm just trying
to explain to you what we have--

- My partner has been
working hard killing dogs

For this city
for close to a decade.

- You kill dogs?
- Animal control.

- I know my rights.

- Sir, I cannot award you
domestic partnership status

Unless you have proof
that you are and have been

Financially and emotionally
interdependent partners

For over a year.

Joint tenancy documents
verifying--

- I know my rights.

- Do you not understand
that I get 150 of you people

In here a day spouting
this same shit at me?

- "you people"? What can
that mean, "you people"?

- Oh, no, we're not like that.
- You're not like what?

- We are not the kind of people
you can push around

With your homophobic rhetoric.

Where are you going?
I'm still talking!

- I'm going on break.

That's my civil right!

- Fucking--let's go.

- Hi, this is fiona
from worldwide cup.

We've noticed that you haven't
renewed your order in a while.

And I was wondering
if I could transfer you

To our sales dep--

Oh, no? Huh.

Well, that's really shitty.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I had a mailman at home
like that, a real seedy dude.

It looked like he was
casing the joint

Every time he dropped off
a package.

I got so fed up,
that I called the post office

And, you know, I had them
take him off my route.

Now we have this great lady,
josephine, really nice.

I bet if you call and complain,
they'll switch him out for you.

But either way,
they'll want to hear about it.

Great. Yes,
I will transfer you now.

Good luck.

- [clears throat]

- Hey. They had a rude
delivery guy, so I--

- I heard. It's just--
if they say this, you say this.

If they say this,
you say this.

You stick to the script.
- I got it.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

- Okay.

[cell phone ringing]

- Hello?

What?

Oh, yes, debbie is home sick
from school today.

Thank you.

[sighs]

- Are you ready?

- Yeah, I'm just not into
this setup.

I look weak.
- It's gimp porn, babe.

You're supposed to look weak.

- Am I also supposed
to look fat?

- Jeez, you sound
like a woman.

Maybe it's because someone
cut off part of your manhood

When you were too young
to defend yourself.

- I just don't want to do
the gimp thing.

- Do you know how expensive
a kid is, kev?

Sack it up.

[phone ringing]

Hey, fi.

- Hey, can you pop over
to the house

And see if debbie's there?

I don't know
if she's really sick

Or if she's skipping
or what.

- All right,
I'll go check on her.

- What?
- I'm serious, fiona.

Go to that website
and see if you stand by your

"I want my son to get
his share of head" argument.

- Do not do it, fiona.

- Okay. Okay, okay. I'll do it.
- All right, bye.

- [sighs]

[rock music]

♪

[gasps] oh, jesus.

Oh.

[shudders]

Hi, this is fiona
from worldwide cup.

- Vote paul lashmet
for a better chicago.

Hope I can
count on your vote.

Nice to meet you.

[baby cries]

- Can't you shut the baby up?

- I could shove her up your ass
and see if that does it.

- You need to learn respect
for your elders.

- You need to learn
to not be a total dickwad.

- I have a plan to put chicago
back to work.

- Hey. Hey. Over here.

I know you can hear me,
mr. Give-me-your-vote!

You want to know
what's wrong with this city?

You want
to know what doesn't work?

My wife and I got married
after three weeks of dating,

And she turned out to be
a bipolar drug addict--easy--

Who left me alone
with six kids to raise,

While my domestic partner,

Mr. Christopher collier,
is a clean and sober,

Hardworking citizen
of this country.

I think he deserves
the same rights

As a woman who would
abandon her children.

- Thank you, sir. And I will
consider your situation.

- Don't you turn
your back on me.

- Oh, don't you worry.
- I'm a citizen of this country.

I live in this city.

My partner
works for this city.

But because
we're not married,

Which the law doesn't even
allow, I might add,

I am not allowed to share
in his insurance benefits.

Which means for me,
it's stand in the line

At the free clinic or suffer.

That's not only unfair
and unchristian,

It's flat out un-american.

I'm a citizen.

Where are my equal rights?

Fix that,
mr. I-want-to-be-mayor.

Fuck.

- Thank you so much.

I'll transfer you now.

[cell phone chimes]

[sighs]

- I like this color.

Kind of cheers you up
just looking at it, right?

- It does.

- Sometimes when
you're feeling really bad,

If you make yourself
look better on the outside,

It can start to make you
feel better on the inside.

My mom calls it
"taking it from the outside in."

[phone ringing]

[mumbles]

[phone ringing]

Jackson residence.

- Debbie, you were just supposed
to drop liam there.

Why aren't you at school?
Are you sick?

- Uh, code pink.

- Monica's home?
- No, no, no.

Code pink at sheila's.

I'll explain later, okay?
- Fine, explain later.

But you're in big trouble.

[sighs]

- What's a code pink?

- It's nothing.

I was just trying
to explain to fiona

Why I'm not at school.

It's like
a code word we have.

- Oh, no. What time is it?

Are you skipping school
because of me?

- I didn't want to go anyway.

All anyone ever does
is try to copy off me.

But no one wants
to sit with me at lunch.

Everybody's mean.
Middle school's stupid.

Mean girls suck.

- My daughter's a mean girl.

I don't know how it happened.

- It's not your fault.

- But I'm her mother.

- If how we turn out
is all about how our mother is,

Then I'm pretty screwed,
right?

[both moaning]

- [laughing]

- What's funny?
- It's just--

She applied to colleges for you.

- Wow, I'm so glad my cock
thrust up inside of you

Is holding your attention
so well.

That's really nice for me.

- Sorry, I just--
I don't get it.

Why don't you just dump her?

- Less talking, more riding.

[both moaning]

- Is mickey seriously
getting married?

- Yeah. Like,
in a couple of weeks.

- Jesus. To who?

I-I didn't even know
he was seeing anyone.

- Well, I don't think
he was seeing her

So much as
he was doing her.

- So why's he marrying her?
- She's knocked up.

- So? I don't get it.

What, is your dad making him?

- I don't know.

Why do you give a shit?

[indistinct chatter]

- [sighs]

- Don't you
turn your back on me.

I'm a citizen of this country.

My partner
works for this city.

But because we're not married,

Which the law doesn't even
allow, I might add,

I am not allowed to share
in his insurance benefits,

Which means for me,
it's stand in line

At the free clinic or suffer.

That's not only unfair
and unchristian...

- Holy shit.
- It's flat out un-american.

- Frank?
- You know him?

- Where are my equal rights?

- You could say that.
He's my dad.

- I--wow, that speech.

Your father--I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.

Oh, my god, I wish
I could turn back time.

- Turn back time? Why?

- Some of the office bitches
may have narc-ed on you

About the porn at your desk
and the personal phone calls.

And by office bitches,
I might mean myself.

- Porn at my desk?

Oh, shit.

- Fiona. Hi.

So mr. Pratt is asking
for a word with you.

- Let me guess. He's the boss?
- No, no.

He's one of the cousins.

Not the big boss,
but he is a supervisor, yes.

- Really, very sorry.

[knock at door]
- yes?

- Hi. Fiona gallagher.

The temp?

- Oh, fiona, yeah.

Um, go ahead and have a seat.
Yep.

Go ahead, sorry.

So I've had some complaints
about your language,

A few personal calls
on company time--

- I have five kids.

They're my siblings,
but I raise them.

And one of them skipped school.

So I'm sorry
about the personal calls,

But it was really
only a couple minutes.

And I'm happy to clock out early
and work late.

- Oh, no.
You don't have to do that.

There were some photos.

- Yeah, the porn at my desk?

It wasn't really porn.

It was pictures of penises,

But it was
from a circumcision website.

See, friends of mine
are trying for a baby.

And I had said a thing about
how they should

Circumcise the baby so that
girls will be more likely

To want to--
uh, with their mouths.

Not on the baby, of course.

I mean once he's a grown-up.

Shit.

Am I fired?

- No, you're--[clears throat]
sorry.

My silence here is not
so much about disapproval

As it is trying to find a way

To participate
in this conversation

That won't leave me vulnerable
to a lawsuit,

'cause I would like to say that
I am a little shocked

To learn that, um, circumcision,
or a lack thereof,

Would affect a woman's
willingness to--

[clears throat]

I can't say that.

I can't say anything, really.

I've said too much already.

I'm so sorry.
Please don't sue me.

- I'm so sorry.
Please don't fire me.

- Deal. But, hey,
I'm putting my foot down.

No more naked body parts
at your desk for any reason.

[both laugh]
- shit. Sorry.

- And watch your language,
like you're in church.

- Got it.
- And also,

You're doing a great job.

- [scoffs]
I'm what?

- I got a call from
one of our sales reps.

You apparently convinced
a high-volume customer

That we thought
we'd lost to re-up.

Something about
a delivery man?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Well, anyway, great work.
And keep it up.

Do me a favor.
Don't go out there smiling.

You'll help me maintain
that reputation as a hard-ass.

- You have a reputation
as a hard-ass?

- No.

I really want one, though.

- [laughs]
- hey. Mm-mm.

- What's this?
- Payday.

- Oh, sweet!

It's $218.

- Mm-hmm.

- I worked 40 hours
at $10 an hour.

That's $400.

- Yeah, minus taxes.

Oh, and minus
the free refills

You've been giving your
little boyfriend over there.

- My what? No, that's my--
I barely know him.

- He's here when you're here
and he's not when you're not.

And you give him free refills.

You think I don't see?
I see.

- ♪ run for your lives

♪ the future's comin'

♪ run with your life

♪ look both ways

- Phillip?

Scott walker,
m.I.T. Alumni rep.

We had an appointment at 3:30.
It's nearly 4:00.

- Right, yeah. Look,
I'm sorry you came and waited,

But I'm not interested.

- You're not interested
in m.I.T.?

- No.
- Oh, that's too bad.

I was really curious
to interview the kid

With the 4.6 g.P.A.
Who so blatantly

Plagiarized
his application essay.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
I didn't plagiarize anything.

She plagiarized nelson mandela.
Jesus.

- She?

- Yeah, my girlfriend
wrote this application.

I'm guessing she googled
"good speeches"

And picked one that sounded
smartest to her.

I'm surprised she didn't
go with "I have a dream."

- Well, you sure you
don't want to do the interview?

I'm already here.
- No, thanks.

I hate boston. Red sox suck.
- Okay.

It's unlikely you could have
gotten in anyway.

- [laughs]

What is that,
reverse psychology?

Let me guess,
you minored in psych,

Thinking it would give you a leg
up in business negotiations.

- You may have a 4.6,
but you also required

A three semester senior year
due to truancy.

And competition is pretty
intense if you require

A full scholarship,
which I'm guessing that you do.

- Wow, why don't you
just go ahead

And call me white trash
while you're at it?

- Competition's tougher
at this level, that's all.

- At this level. Jesus.
Give me a fucking pen.

[tv in background]
- frank!

[cheering on tv]

Frank! Frank, why?

Why would you? Why?
[sighs]

My coworkers
teased me so much

I had to pretend
that I was sick.

Then my mother called.

She almost had a cardiac episode
she was so upset.

I only convinced her last year
that I'm not gay.

It took me years, frank,
years.

Why would you do this?

Why, frank, why?

- The fuck
are you talking about?

- You told the world
we're gay!

It's all over twitter.

It's all over facebook.

It was on the 12:00 news.

- What?

- You're famous
for being gay, frank.

Are you gay?
Are you, really?

[phone ringing]

- I am whatever I need to be
at the time I need to be it.

Christ, write that down.
- Ohh...

Mom.

Yes, mom, I'm talking to him.

No, mom, I am not--mom.

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

- Dude, I'm telling you,
this is my car.

- It has a kid's seat in it.
- I don't give a shit.

Look at that chip
right there, man.

That diamond-shaped scratch,
I did that the night

We had too many jaeger bombs.
Remember?

Hell, I still
got the keys, man.

[both laugh]

I found my stolen car,
bitch.

- Well, what are you waiting
for? Call the cops.

- I wouldn't do that
if I were you. Sorry.

Passing by,
couldn't help but overhear.

I'd just take it home.

Cops keep it in evidence for,
like, a year.

- You're right.
He's right ,man.

Plus, insurance
already covered it,

So this is, like,
found money, bitch.

- Why is that man
driving your car?

- Because it's stolen.
- You let him steal it?

- No, beto. I stole it,

Back when life was fun
and the world had meaning.

You gonna punish me for it?

You want to break
another finger?

How about a toe?

Maybe cut off
a couple earlobes?

Stick a fork in my eye?

[rock music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Saw you on the news, frank.

About time you came out.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have your fun.
Just pour me a goddamn drink.

- Don't do it, kate.
We don't need

His aids germs in here.
- Screw you, tommy.

- You wish.
- Are you really gay now, frank?

- What is gay, kermit?
Gay is a state of mind.

It is a mood.

- Gay is when you part
the ass cheeks of another man

And use your dick
as a divining rod.

- Well, by that definition, no,
then I'm not gay.

- Then what are you doing
going on the news,

Talking about gay rights?

- I was trying to get
insurance coverage.

- Hey, frank, how do you fit
three homos on a barstool?

You turn it upside down!

[laughter]

- Kate, I leave it to you
to rise above

This homophobic rhetoric

And offer me recompense
in the form of whiskey.

- It's only homophobia
when they're afraid of you.

I'm pretty sure
they just don't like you.

- Come on, just give me a drink
anyway--

- You maxed out your tab, frank.
- Hey.

What does one gay say to another
one going on vacation?

"can I help you
pack your shit?"

[laughter]

- Kermit, that joke is so
hackneyed, you owe me a drink.

- What's the difference between
a refrigerator and a fag?

The fridge doesn't fart
when you pull the meat out!

[laughter]

All: Oh, no.

- [clears throat]

Your insipid essay question
asks me to tell you

In 250 words about my most
significant challenge in life.

Honestly,
it's hard to pick one.

My guess is that
you want to hear about

My alcoholic father and
my runaway mom or maybe about--

You would eat that shit up.

But those aren't
my greatest challenges in life.

An education system that
pretends to be a meritocracy--

My 4.6 g.P.A.--

- What would you want to study
at m.I.T.?

Provided you could get past
my well-meaning oblivion

And the proximity
of the red sox.

- Robotics.

But none of that undergrad
filler bullshit.

No 200-seat lectures
taught by t.A.S.

I just want the shit
out in front of me.

- The shit?

- Yeah, the tools, you know,
the toys,

The stuff I can't get access
to in my ghetto high school.

- Why?

- Because I'd like to hang out
with c-3po in my lifetime.

And at the rate you're going,
that shit's not gonna happen.

- I'm not following.

You don't want
to go to classes,

You just
want to play in a lab?

- I don't want to sit in
a lecture that teaches me

How to modify algorithms
instead of think for myself.

- And?

- Okay, the people working
the weaving machines

In the 17th century,
you know,

They didn't see
the steam engine coming.

One invention:
Industrial revolution.

I mean, encyclopedia britannica
didn't see wikipedia coming.

Great things don't happen
in tiny little increments.

You know, they happen when

Someone thinks completely
differently.

And all you geniuses,
you just--

You're just
modifying algorithms.

- C-3po, huh?

- That dude's a badass.

You know, he's fluent in over

6 million
forms of communication.

- Give me the money.

- What the fuck?
What the fuck?

- Give me your money.

- Is that a toy gun?

[shot fires]

Aah! Fuck!

[rock music]

Fuck!

Aah!

[horn honks]
fuck you!

Fuck you!

Aah!

- Get in. We drink.

- Fuck--oh, god damn it!

- [speaking portuguese]

[music]

♪

- Hey, faggot.

- I am not a faggot.

And I could sue you
for the use of the word.

- Whoa, nellie.
I'm on your side.

Come on in.
Let us buy you a drink.

Come on.
I'm not gonna bite--

Unless you ask me to.

- ♪ bottoms up

♪ bottoms up
bottoms up ♪

♪ bottoms up
bottoms up ♪

♪ bottoms up
don't stop ♪

- What's with him?
- No idea.

He's been weird all day.

- You, um--you plagiarized
nelson mandela.

- Who?

- The m.I.T.
Application essay.

- Oh, you think I should have
wrote it myself?

- No. I think
you shouldn't have

Applied to colleges for me
without asking me.

- I did ask you.

I asked you, like, 100 times
to get the applications in,

And you ignored me.
- For a reason.

- What reason,
that you're an idiot?

That you want
to waste your life laying around

In this shit-hole neighborhood
forever?

You have any idea
how much stuff

I had to steal and sell
to pay those application fees?

It was a huge pain in the ass,
and I did it for you.

So you could be a little bit
nicer about it.

You know, you might even
want to say thank you.

- Thank you.

[both moaning]

Thank you. Thank you!

[both grunting]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- May I transfer you to sales?

Thank you so much.

And you have a worldwide day.

- Hey, fiona. You okay?

- Huh? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm okay.

- Mike's not such a bad guy
once you get to know him.

Maria got an infection
in the hospital.

She's gonna be out for at least
a couple more weeks.

I-I was thinking of requesting
you, if you're available.

Easier than training
a new girl every day.

- That'd be great.

- Only thing is,
mr. Pratt, sr.

Uncle matt, we call him,
he's kind of conservative.

He's a deacon
at first baptist.

I'm sure that outfit
would have been great

At your last office, but--

- Shit, really?
[gasps] shit.

Oh, fuck--mm. Sorry.

- It's okay.
Just button up a little bit

And it'll all be all right.

[rock music]

- Please tell your father
I'm a big fan.

♪

- It's truth, you see?
- What's truth?

- That you are no good
for fiona.

- What the hell do you know?

- I know you
are not meant for this life.

You are a rich boy,
born with a silver spoon, eh?

It's okay not to be ashamed.

I am from the favela.
Okay?

And now I have silver spoon.
You can go that way.

But the other way?
[scoffs]

That way is just misery.

Bitter. Resent.
[speaking portuguese]

It's better you should go now,
before fiona

And the kids get more, uh,
what's the--

- Attached.
- Attached, yes.

Or before you and fiona
make a baby together.

'cause after a baby,

Then it's misery, bitter,
resent forever.

Men, we need space to think.

So walk, think.

This time,
I will not follow you.

- Thanks, man.

- Hey,
but if you break any laws,

I will chop off
both your hands, eh?

- I got it.

- You use that mandela speech
in all the applications?

- No, mixed it up a little bit.

Couple of dead presidents
and some guy called "gandy."

- Gandhi?

I don't get why
you'd want me to go to m.I.T.

You know,
boston's pretty far away.

- I thought maybe you'd take me
with you, but--

- But what?

- No one's ever been
as good to me as you have.

You're better than this
neighborhood.

You're better
than anyone I've ever met.

And you deserve to get out--

Even if you
don't take me with you,

Which I never really
thought you would anyway.

- So is it true?

You're getting married?

So who is it?
Is it angie zahgo

Or some other piece of trash
you screw so you can pretend

I don't matter to you?

- Hey, what the fuck, gallagher?
[glass shatters]

- Oh, he speaks!

So that's it. We're over.

Your dad beats the shit
out of us,

And you're just gonna
get married, no conversation?

Nothing?

- Get the fuck off me.

- Oh, you want to fag bash?

That make you
feel like a man?

Come on. Go ahead!
Do it!

[grunts]

[gasping]

You love me...
And you're gay.

Just admit it,
just this once.

Just fucking admit it.
[grunts]

[coughs]

You feel better now?

You feel like a man?

[groans]

[grunts]

- I feel better now.

- Oh, just the man
I was hoping to run into.

- I can't see you anymore.

I'm with mandy now.

Sorry, I, uh...

I shouldn't have started up
with you again.

- You're not serious.

- She's good for me,
and you're not.

And, uh...

Yeah, that's all.

- What about boys?

- What about them?

- Well, do you like any?
- None that like me.

I'm not pretty like fiona.

My teeth are messed up,
and my chest is flat.

- You know, they have
special bras for that.

[door slams shut]

- Hey.
- Hey, karen.

- Um, is there anything
to eat?

Mom?

Jesus. What-fucking-ever!

[clatter]
- hey!

[stomping upstairs]

- What did she do that's so bad
that you won't talk to her?

- She wrote the wongs and
told them to take hymie away.

She told them I was crazy
and...

That I had obsessive-compulsive
disorder

And that
I was bad for the baby.

I do have
obsessive-compulsive disorder,

But I-I've been working
really hard to treat it.

And my meds have been
really working.

And I am a little crazy,

But I'm not bad for that baby.

That part's just not true.

- Sheila?

- Yeah, honey?

- I've seen crazy,
and I've seen bad for kids.

You aren't
either of those things.

You're super nice.

- I've made
a lot of mistakes.

- Then say you're sorry.

Because if monica came back,
said she was sorry,

And stayed...
I'd forgive her.

I would forgive her
for everything,

Because she's my mom.

- I'm so...

Sorry your mom left you.

But you--you know
it's not your fault, right?

Do you know that?
It's not your fault.

- [crying]

[lighter sparks]

[cell phone ringing]

- Who's this?
- Hey, mandy.

It's karen jackson.
I just wanted to call

And say thank you for
applying to colleges for lip.

- What?
- My mom kind of sucks

These days, so it'll be awesome
to have somewhere new to go.

And all I have to do
is poke one hole in a condom,

And he'll do
whatever I say forever.

I mean, we learned that
from last time.

- Fuck you.

- Oh, you mean, like,
all three of us?

Yeah, I could
be down for that.

Do you want me to ask lip
next time we do it?

- ♪ aren't you the one
who tried to hurt me ♪

♪ when you said good-bye?

♪ did you think I'd crumble?

♪ did you think
I'd lay down and die? ♪

♪ oh, no, not I

♪ I will survive
oh, yeah.

All: ♪ oh, as long
as I know how to love ♪

♪ I know I'll stay alive

♪ I've got
all my life to live ♪

♪ I've got
all my love to give ♪

♪ I will survive
I will survive ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah!

Jesus. Oh. Whoa.

What's an adam's apple matter

If you can blow like that?

[laid-back music]

♪

- Hey. Hi.
You want a blowjob?

I'll give you
a blowjob for $10--

Or a rock.
Do you have a rock?

I give really good blowjobs.

[siren blaring]
[woman muttering]

Are you sure
you don't want one?

- Do you know how many
nerve endings

Are in the foreskin
of a penis?

- I don't think there's
a single guy who wishes

He had more nerves down there.

- Well, what if our son
wants to be a transsexual?

They will need that skin
to make him a proper vagina.

- Why is that
even a question?

- The gays brought
the gift baskets, kevin.

Look at all the gift baskets.

I'm saying,
it's a possibility.

- What's all this?

- Frank told the world
he's gay.

- And the gay world responded
with chocolate and cheese.

- And good wine.
- Wow.

Debs, school,
why didn't you go?

- Sheila was depressed,
like, bad depressed.

Monica depressed.
- Code pink.

I'm sorry
you had to deal with that.

- Is frank really gay?
- No. [laughs]

Carl, it's a scam.
It's always some kind of scam.

- This scam tastes awesome.

- Is this dinner?

Where's jimmy?

Think he's still wondering
if there's any more cheese?

- [laughs]
- try the moldy one.

- I like the one with the holes.
- Hey, put that down.

- Wipe your mouth afterwards.
- [laughs]

- What did kevin say?

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter downstairs]

[knock at door]

- Come in.

- Hi. Honey, hi.

- Mom, I am not
in the mood right now.

- I'm sorry I was so crazy
when you were little.

I-I'm sorry it's taken me
so long to get my meds balanced.

And I'm sorry
that I missed so many

Of your school events because
I couldn't leave the house.

And I--

I'm sorry that I-I took up
with your husband,

Even if you didn't want him.

It's just a--well,
just a terrible thing

For a mother to do.

There--there are so many ways
I wish I--

I could have been
a better mother to you.

I-I hope you can forgive me,
karen.

I hope we can start over,
because I--

[sobs]

I love you so very much.

I love you so much.

- I--
[text alert]

Okay, I'm sorry, mom.
It's--it's lip.

He wants to meet at the park.

- Oh.

Oh. Are you--
are you seeing lip again?

- I hope so.

- Okay.

- [giggles]

[horn honks]

- Fuck you too.
Stupid bitch.

[knock at door]

- Christopher!

Christopher!

- Go away, frank.
You're drunk.

You need a meeting.
Go away.

- Christopher, why?

It was so good between us.

- I'm sorry, frank.

Mom says
this is how it has to be.

- No, chris, wait. Wait, chris!
[groans] ohh!

[dogs barking]

[rock music]

♪

- So you like emergency
medicine, right?

- Hours suck.
But, yeah, I love it.

- And it's a shorter track
than surgery, right?

- Barely.
- Incoming ambulance.

Serious head trauma,
two minutes out.

- All right.

How's the money?
- The money's good.

And the saving people's lives
is pretty great, too.

- You mean, like,
the adrenaline rush?

- What's going on, man?

You thinking about
going back to school?

- You know, thought I hated
med school, but "u" of m's

Looking pretty damn great
right now.

- Caucasian female
hit and run victim.

Cracked skull
and a thready pulse.

Ran two large
bores of saline en route.

♪

- Oh, hey. Bright.
[chuckles]

- Mr. Gallagher,
when you're ready to rise,

We'd like to buy you a meal
and have a chat.

- What'd you hit?

- Girl at school.

- Don't forget to check for hair
behind the grill.

Call manny
about the windshield.

- We've looked into
your records, frank.

You're an alcoholic,
a derelict.

Not the kind of man
we usually want on our side.

But you, my friend, have
stumbled ass over teakettle

Into the most
significant moment

In the history
of the gay rights movement.

We both know that
we're not second-class citizens,

But there are a lot of people
in this country

Who still need convincing.

And you are the missing piece
in our puzzle.

You're blue-collar,
working-class, irish-catholic.

You have
the ears of the people

Whose minds
most need changing.

You also have dog shit on
your face and no place to live,

But we can fix that
if you agree to work with us.

- You've got my attention,
mister--

- Paige. Abraham paige.

We'll clean you up.
We'll house you.

We'll coach you.

Do you remember
"joe the plumber"?

- Heard of him?
He's a personal hero of mine.

- Well, you are gay joe.

- Frank the plumber?
- No.

Frank, the father.

Frank, the son.
Frank, the neighbor.

Frank, the face
of the gay-rights movement.

- Oh, jeez.

- Oh.
- Take it.

- Ow.
- Take it. This shit. Yeah.

- Ow.
- Take it, you little gimp.

Turn over.
Mama's gonna give you an exam.

- [groans]

- Take it. Take it.
- Ow. Ow.

- Don't you shit on my hand.
You hear me?

Yeah. Ooh. Take it.
- Ow.

- Yeah.
- Ah!

[both moaning]