Shameless (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Where There's a Will - full transcript

I'm raising five kids,
and I didn't miss last week.

What's your excuse?

Shut the fuck up!

I need you
to get a will notarized.

- Will?
- Aunt Ginger's.

A will's no good
without a death certificate.

Yeah, we're gonna need
a body too.

- A real live body?
- Not live.

I'm here to file a will,
please.

Ginger Gallagher.
Second one today.

Supersedes yours.

Who the hell filed it?
Cousin Patrick.

Both: Are you out
of your fucking mind?

Kev is just gonna lie down
with you for procreation.

Okay, let's get this going.

- [Laughs]
- Shh, knock it off, mama.

How many more times
are we gonna have to do this?

Until we complete
the mission.

You guys look like
you could use some help.

You can go home.

You know what?
Have her stick around.

I got to hit the Alibi
in ten minutes anyway.

- I'm good to stay.
- Please just go home

to your own
fucking house for once.

You mind if I make
one of these out to cash?

Nothing big,
just some walking around money.

Joint bank account
is for Immigration only.

Have a heart.
I'm tapped.

- Mom.
- Oh!

Where is he, my baby?

He's where
he belongs for now,

and you're back
where you belong.

Now, if I allow you
to retain your parental rights,

would you consent to
your daughter becoming guardian?

Works for me.

Would you agree to be
the guardian of these children?

Yes, I do.

[High Strung's
The Luck You Got]

d d

d Think of all the luck
you got d

d know that
it's not for naught d

d You were beaming
once before d

d but it's not like that
anymore d

d What is this downside d

d that you speak of? d

d What is this feeling d

d you're so sure of? d

d d

d Round up the friends
you got d

d know that
they're not for naught d

d You were willing
once before d

d but it's not like that
anymore d

d What is this downside d

d that you speak of? d

d What is this feeling d

d you're so sure of? d

Thank you all for coming out
in honor of Aunt Ginger.

"GG" as I called her.

You now, when the guy
at the funeral place

handed me her ashes,
I thought,

what the hell
do I do with these?

Put 'em in a vase
on my mantle?

Or scatter them
at the park or the lake?

Then I thought, no,

I know where
she was happiest.

On this corner,
her corner,

where she turned tricks
in her 20s and 30s.

And 60s!

- She did magic tricks?
- No, no, no, son.

"Turning tricks" is
a euphemism for prostitution.

In her day, your great aunt was
a legendary pole smoker.

Could unlock her jaw
like a Burmese python.

We are at her funeral.

You know,
some think Gallaghers

don't have a work ethic,

but Ginger worked this corner
rain, sleet, snow,

her old knees hitting
that hard pavement

again and again.

Bertie Giddelman is the only one
that's outlasted her.

Look, you all knew Ginger,
so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it.

She was a mean old bitch.

But even a mean old bitch
deserves a send off.

Here, here.

So this is us, Ginger,

sending you off,
right where you belong.

It's touching.

I'm tearing up.

Okay, kids, let's go.

Patrick.

So Ginger had a will
that we didn't know about,

and you just had it sitting
in a drawer?

Yep.

And even though
she hated your guts,

she left our house to you?

It was never your house.

It's weird, you know,

how she signed the will
only a year ago,

you know, her being
an invalid and all.

Signed and notarized.

I don't remember you
coming by with a lawyer.

I gotta get back
to my family.

Six kids
with nowhere else to go.

Why don't
we talk about this

when the sting of losing Ginger
has worn off, hmm?

Tomorrow, maybe?

You want to tell them
or should I?

V, your mom's here.

Ooh.
You look really nice, Carol.

- Thank you, honey.
- You do look nice.

- Where'd you get that dress?
- Madison's.

And those shoes.

You doing something
at church later?

I'm ovulating again.

Ovulating?

No, it's not until next week.
I got the calendar.

High body temperature,
sore breasts,

increased cervical mucus.

We believe you, mama.

Well, if you all want
to try again,

we have a four-day window.

Guess no need to waste
an opportunity, right, baby?

What, you wanna do this
right now?

Like, right now?

Well, I can come back.

No, no need.

I'm like a stud bull.

You open the barn door,
slap me on the ass.

You know, I mean, when I say,
"open the barn door,"

I don't mean your, um--

uh, do you guys
want a drink?

I'll get three glasses.

Are you sure you just want
to jump into this?

You don't want a minute
to think?

Waiting isn't gonna
make it easier.

All right, I'm gonna
block everything out,

and I'm just gonna picture
your beautiful face.

- I picture Denzel Washington.
- Oh, for real?

When I open my eyes a little
and I see it's a white guy,

eh, then I go
with Johnny Depp.

Oh?

You appreciate the irony,
right?

Senseless arguments about
who gets what bedroom,

refusing to allow me to stay.

- Now, nobody gets to stay.
- Why is Frank here again?

There's a small chance
he'll be able to help

since he's known Patrick
longer than any of us.

Patrick wants
to steal our house?

He's a contractor.
He's gonna flip it.

Slap a coat of paint on it,

call it
"a cozy, authentic pre-war,"

and offload it to yuppies.

Not gonna happen.

- So let's go over our options.
- I'll write them down.

All right, look, we know
the will is bullshit.

It was signed a year ago,

and Ginger's
been dead for what, 10?

More like 15.

Option one.
Prove will is a forgery.

We can't call the cops
because we faked Ginger's death

and forged a will of our own.

Plus Frank's been cashing
Ginger's social security checks.

Oh, like you didn't share
in that bounty?

What we could do,
we could argue

that Ginger wasn't of
sound mind when she signed it.

I mean, she was
never of sound mind anyway.

Option two.
Say Ginger was crazy.

Or convince Patrick
to back off somehow.

Yeah, that's three.

Good luck with that!

His nickname
used to be Pit Bull.

It was partly an odor thing,

but also because once he gets
ahold of you, he doesn't let go.

You gotta kill him first.

Option four. Kill Patrick.

It's time to face reality.

Patrick out-Gallaghered us,

and there's no point
in fighting it.

Easy for you to say,
you're at Sheila's.

So before you're out
on the streets

like so many Somalian refugees,
ask yourselves,

"if Patrick
is taking the house,

what are we taking?"

Copper pipes.

You're not taking the pipes,
Frank.

You really think there's
a way to challenge the will?

Why not? You know,
if I can bone up on probate law.

All in favor.

Unanimous.

Well, like hell it is.

Lip will handle the will.

The rest of you,

get ready for the first day
of school tomorrow.

Debbie and Carl,
pick out something to wear

that doesn't have holes.

Wouldn't it just be easier
to kill him?

Clothes, now.

We better work fast.

Winter's coming, and it'll
be cold sleeping in the park.

This is why democracy
does not work.

Time to get out
the "help wanted" ads.

- How you holding up?
- You know what I want?

Not to win the lottery or
go on vacation to the Caribbean.

I want normal people problems.

Like,
am I getting enough fiber?

Why did my friend
say that insensitive thing

about my weight?

Well, it'll work out,
it always does.

You realize only rich people
say shit like that.

What's that
supposed to mean?

That we have no backup plan.

There's no running
to mom and dad.

And that's what I do?

I'm saying neither one of us
has a job.

One week with me
as their guardian, one,

they're about to be homeless.

Then we'll get jobs.

I mean, the Gallaghers
are survivors, right?

We can do this.

We?

You, me, we.

Since when
are you a lawyer?

Since never,

which is why I have to read up
on this shit.

How 'bout
I give you a hummer,

help you relax?

I don't think that's
gonna help my productivity.

You can multitask.

d Said I find it hard d

d d

Would you, uh...

would you be offended
if I kept working?

[Knock at door]

Lip, can we talk?

Yeah, if you can talk
from out there.

It's private.

This better be good.

d d

d sometimes we know d

d but sometimes d

d oh baby sometimes d

d you gotta get
what you need d

d d

I rang the doorbell,

but Ian had me wait out here.

I don't think
he likes me anymore.

I don't think
he ever liked you.

I got your message.

Right, the one where I told
you to go fuck yourself?

It was nice
to hear your voice.

Eiffel Tower?

Yeah, this guy said
he'd take me to Paris,

so I had this done.

But he took all my money

and tried to sell me
to a sheikh from Yemen.

So, yeah, things got bad
for a little while.

But anyways,

I'm-- I'm home now.

That sounds shitty.

Is Mandy inside?

Yeah.

So that's why Ian
had me wait out here?

That'd be my guess.

Are you happy?

Sure.

Well, good, because
I want you to be happy.

You deserve it.

Well, I--

I better get back.

You look good.

Welcome back.

Plumber's apprentice.
I can do that.

- You have experience?
- I fixed our toilet.

You shook the handle.

Well, here's a good one.

Barista at the coffee beanery.

Shelly Espinosa works there,
makes like 20 grand.

A month?
A year?

Shit.
How do people live on that?

So the cleaning posse guys
called back.

An effluent tank overflowed
at the slaughterhouse.

They can use us both.
$14.50 an hour.

- A what tank?
- Effluent.

See, I told you
it would work out.

It's so exciting having you
back in your old room.

I just wish I had seen
Hymie in his crib.

Well, Mrs. Wong
can bring Hymie by anytime.

How is he?

He's wonderful.

Oh my gosh,
he is such a sweet boy.

And now that you're home,
I'm sure the Wongs

will let us spend more time
with him.

I'm not sure I'm ready
for that yet.

I know you want to be
involved in Hymie's life.

In fact, I found a flyer
for a support group.

Support for what?

For families affected
with Down's Syndrome.

I thought it might be a way
for us to educate ourselves

about Hymie's needs.

Be grateful
the kid's not here.

Butt out, Frank!

Children in the Cambodian
killing fields

turned their parents
over for execution.

A lifetime of devotion,
that's the loyalty it buys you.

Who wants lasagna?

Oh, Karen,
please put your pants on.

What?
It's not like I'm naked.

I'm in recovery.
I'm hypersensitive.

That's a good idea.

Jody, there's only three
plates here.

You might want to get one
for Karen.

[Mouthing silently]

I'm gonna go make a salad.

Oh, great.

Um...

Frank.

Uh-huh?

Honey, we've been through
a lot together.

That we have, Sheils,
that we have.

Um, but Hymie's gone,

and with Karen and Jody here,
it's kind of a full house.

What?

No.
No, no, no, don't say that.

Frank, I'm just asking you
to go home to your family.

My family threw me out with
no regard for my well-being.

Do you want me homeless?

Do you want me
wandering the streets

just as old man winter
winds his way down

from the frozen north?

Don't you have someone you can
stay with, like a friend?

Just as I'm getting
my life together.

I'm going to AA.

You go because
a judge ordered you to go.

Sheila.

Frank, you're a good man,

but you've got to find
another place to stay.

Jesus, Carl,
there's enough to go around.

Would you grab the paper bags?

If we have to move,
where do we go?

We're not moving.

How's it going
with Ginger's will?

Working on it.

V, thanks for
taking Liam today.

I pretend he's
my little black baby,

and when he's cranky and smelly,
I get to bring him back.

Where is Liam?

Trying out
the big boy toilet.

And you left him there?

Debbie, that is not
the outfit that we picked out

for your first day, and you are
so not leaving here in that.

- I borrowed it from Mandy.
- Clearly.

You do realize that
I'm in middle school now, right?

Yeah, not stripper school.
Go change.

[Knocking at door]
Somebody get that.

Mandy, she's 13.

She's not working the bedroom
at the Mustang Ranch.

Yeah, like you never wore
a short skirt

when you were her age.

Jeez, Fi,
she's just trying to help.

[Knocking at door]
I'll get it.

Can you take
Liam tomorrow too?

Not sure yet.

Those fruits of Islam people
on 4th have a free daycare.

If I say I hate whitey,

I bet they'll watch him
for a few hours.

So is Lip getting serious
about Mandy "Skankovich"?

Nice.

Oh, shit, Mandy, I'm sorry.

You know I would have never
said that to your face.

Should I apologize or leave?

I'm gonna leave.

You and I both know you're not
legally entitled to shit.

Patrick?

You remember my sons,
Desmond and Warren.

What are you doing here?

Oh, just a quick walkthrough
to assess repairs,

shouldn't take too long.

It'd be quicker
if you just left.

You're the ones
that are gonna be leaving.

Assuming your bullshit will
stands up in court.

Probate hearing
is on Thursday.

This Thursday?

Uh-huh.
Why prolong the inevitable?

I'm gonna need you
out on Saturday

so I can spray the place
with insecticide,

rip up this piss carpet,

and, you know,
make it livable.

Boys, start upstairs.

We've got kids
living here,

and you're just gonna
throw us out?

How do you sleep at night?

Don't blame your miserable
goddamn lives on me.

[Indistinct chatter]

Okay, listen up.

Some of you have inquired
about our petition.

We have demanded that
Lincoln Grove high school

offer programs
for special students

to help them fit in
with their classmates.

[Applause]

- Aren't you glad we came?
- Yeah.

Great, also concerning
the "R" word,

we have demanded
a school policy

forbidding students and faculty
from using that word.

- Retard.
- Excuse me.

Retard.
You can't even say it.

So how do we talk about it?

We all know your opinion
on this, Jeremy.

But right now
I'm the one speaking.

Brothers and sisters,

words only have power
if we give them power.

We must take back
the word "retard."

Make it ours.

Sweetheart, the rest of us
find the word offensive.

I'm not your sweetheart,
bitch.

[All gasp]

Mrs. Kandage,
I know you mean well,

but many of us here
think it's time

that we reclaim
and redefine the word.

And since normies
don't get called "retard,"

they don't have
a say in this.

Normies do not get a say.

What's a "normie?"

I think it's slang
for non-retards.

- Hey, Fabio, do you mind?
- Sorry.

I don't care how it's used.

I don't want anybody calling
my son that word ever.

It's incredibly hurtful.

Even if we did get rid of it,

someone will just think up
another way of saying it.

That's right.
The queers took back their word.

- It's different.
- How is it different?

It's not like
race issues disappear

if people stop saying nigger.

Shut the fuck up!

I can say it, you can't.

Retards,
we must ban together.

The way to get respect
is to take respect,

and normies can help us
get that message out.

Raise your hand
if you're with us!

Yeah.

Me-tard, you-tard,

retard nation.

Me-tard, you-tard,

retard nation.

All: Me-tard, you-tard,

retard nation!

Me-tard, you-tard,

retard nation!

Me-tard, you-tard,
retard nation!

Me-tard, you-tard,
retard nation!

Me-tard, you-tard,
retard nation!

You digging that smell?

Did something die in here?

A couple thousand somethings.

- It gets better after awhile.
- How?

Your brain
sort of short-circuits,

shuts off your sense of smell.

Tape everything up,
gloves and boots.

We got solids in there today.

Solids?

Maggots, roaches,
rats, flies.

You got roaches
inside your suit

going crazy, running all over
your short hairs,

hard to focus on work.

Oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God.

Keep your mouth shut,
and I don't mean shut up.

I mean, don't let anything
splash in your mouth.

Your girlfriend
gonna be okay?

Thank you, everyone,
for sharing.

Have a good day.

[Groans]

Great meeting.

I just need to get
my slip signed for the court.

Okay.

Let's see.

I guess we'll see you twice
a week for at least six months.

Keep coming back, Frank.

As if I had a fucking choice.

- Congratulations.
- What?

I said congratulations.

During group share you said
you're two years sober,

unless I misunderstood.

No, that's right.
Two years today.

Oh, only six weeks for me.

It hasn't been easy.

I was downing
cleaning products, mouthwash.

- You ever try Sterno?
- Love Sterno.

It's ridiculous
what passes for alcoholism

with this group.

Her two-hour blackout?

I mean, come on.

I blacked out a year.

Am I whining about it?

Or the guy that lost his job
and banged his sister-in-law?

Where I come from,
that's Friday night.

[Both chuckle]

But you've been sober
two years.

That's amazing.

But it's because
you don't need booze

to fill the gaping hole
in your life.

It's about being
in the moment.

A meatball sub.

A Bears game
on the television.

Simple pleasures.

Simple pleasures, right.

Frank,
I'm Chris or Christopher.

I hope you don't mind
if I ask.

Would you be my sponsor?

- Would I--
- Sponsor me in the program.

My previous sponsor moved out
and went to Leesburg.

That's in Florida.

Right, right.
But here's the thing.

Much as I'd love to help,

and inspiring
as I would no doubt be,

your best sponsor
is yourself.

I understand.

Take care.

Wait.

You said your last sponsor
moved out.

What, he--
what, he lived with you?

- Yeah.
- In a house?

You live in a house,
an apartment, what?

A house.

I'm sorry, let me
introduce myself properly.

I'm Frank Gallagher.

Tell me your name again.

It's Chris or Christopher.

Christopher, right.

[Gags]

I'm getting out.

I'm getting out.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, but no one speaking
English as a first language

should be doing this job.

The money's good.

Not that good.

So much for
"you, me, we."

I can feel cockroaches
under my suit.

On my back!
Hit me on my back!

Hit me on my-- fuck.

Oh.

Oh, hey, these candles
are a nice idea.

- Mom brought 'em.
- Oh, she did?

Just look at me.

That's it.

Oh, shit.

You're a stud bull,
aren't you, baby?

Oh, yeah.

Hold that thought.
Mom!

Jump in between us.
Hurry up.

Wasn't sure
when to bring this up,

but maybe I could use
a little warm-up this time.

Warming up,
like a jog around the block?

'Cause if you're asking Kev
to go down on you,

I can tell you right now
that is not happening.

Women are more likely to
conceive if they have an orgasm.

I read it in Cosmo.

It pulls the sperm up into--

The conversation is
not happening on this end,

just saying.

- Hey, sorry I bailed.
- Don't be sorry.

I'm sure tons of guys would
leave their girlfriends alone

to shovel blood and shit.

I went down to the coffee
beanery and got a job.

How much per hour?

I mean, you know, not
as much as the cleaning posse,

but all the coffee
you can drink.

- Full-time?
- Close.

- How close?
- Part-time.

There are opportunities
for advancement.

The manager was saying--

We've reconvened
the Cousin Patrick war council.

No luck on the legal front?

No, it turns out
it's pretty hard to prove

that someone had dementia
when they signed a will.

In our case,
very fucking hard.

Because she was already dead.

- What was option two again?
- We're on three now.

Convince Patrick to back off.

Or option four,
kill Patrick.

Back to three.
Convince him how?

We get my brothers to go
around and scare him a little.

No way.

Enough with
the brothers Milkovich.

Nothing fatal.

Hit him with a bat
a couple of times,

a little pistol whipping.

They'll want $500 for it,

but if I help Mickey
move some meth next week,

they'll settle for $200.

That's a discount beating.

What do you say?

Guys, we can't--

We need a house.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'll be scraping blood and shit

from under my fingernails,

and then I'll be at V's
getting drunk,

pretending I didn't just
order a hit on a relative.

All right.

Frank, what are you doing?

Sheila, this is Christopher.

As his AA sponsor,

I'm helping him to walk
the straight and narrow.

Well, that's nice, but how can
you be his sponsor when you--

- I said to him, "if you're
serious about recovery,

you're gonna need
24-hour-a-day oversight.

I'm just gonna have
to move in with you."

Really?

That Frank would do this,
disrupt his own life...

All I ask in return
is your sobriety.

Here, take this down
to your van.

Oh!

Nice meeting you.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Thank you, Frank.
Great job.

Never let it be said
that Frank Gallagher

outstays his welcome.

Karen, look what they gave me
when I offered to volunteer.

Pamphlets and buttons
and a banner and t-shirts.

Why don't you
come with me tomorrow?

I'm gonna have a table
outside the market.

- No thanks, mom.
- Can I ask why not?

Because they call themselves
retard nation.

It's offensive.

No, we're-- we're--

we're challenging society's
preconceptions.

This is genius.
"I am a retard."

Yeah, but read the back.

"And proud."
I'm gonna need five of these.

A lot of retards
at the Alibi.

Frank, I'm not comfortable
with how you're using that word.

Retard?
You're saying it.

Yeah, but you don't
have Down's Syndrome.

Neither do you.

I know, but my intent
is to defend free speech

and to further public
awareness and end hate.

And your intent
is simply to be rude.

Hello?

V?

Oh!

Uh, oh, sorry.

Oh.

Ahh.

Ugh, ah.

That threw me off.
Periscope down.

Hey.

Look, you need to back off
the Gallagher house.

If you don't,
you'll be sorry.

[Groans]

Fuck sake.

A .22?

You sure it'll stop me?

You want to find out?

What the fuck are you doing?

Get up and
knock him on his ass.

I got him covered.

I'd like you to meet the wife,
Ellen.

They're removing
the toilets.

I'll get some buckets.

I guess it didn't work out
with your brother.

Mandy, are we getting
our money back?

Minus $100.
He took a chain off Mickey.

Over there.
By the couch.

Yeah, just leave it.

Bye, honey, off to work.

Why is he leaving
a toilet in our living room?

Bye, honey!
I'm off to work!

We are so losing the house.

- I told you we are going--
- To be fine, I know.

But will we be fine here
or somewhere else?

The probate hearing
is tomorrow.

Maybe we'll get lucky.

If not, I will find us
a place to live, okay?

Please drop Liam at V's
on your way to school.

Everyone else,
grab a lunch and head out.

No truant Gallaghers today.

[Hammers banging]

You know, being guardian
doesn't make you super-mom.

You noticed.

I'm just saying,
it's not all on you.

Thanks.

[Drill whirring]

How are you this morning?

Never better.

Replacing the toilet
with a low-flow model,

much more efficient.

I bet it lowers
the water bill.

Oh, without question.

Patrick, we got off
on the wrong foot.

Sending Mickey Milkovich over
with a baseball bat, hmm?

Is that the foot you mean?

If we let you take the house,
will you rent it to us?

Sure.

Call it $1,800 a month,

first, last, and deposit.

You know we don't have
that kind of--

No?

I thought living in squalor
was a lifestyle choice.

It's just that when we first
started this with mom,

we approached it
like a medical procedure,

but these last few times,
is it me

or was she acting
like she was on a date?

She always dresses nice.

Musk perfume,
gold tips.

When has she ever worn gold tips
to our house, Kev?

Like I'd notice.

So you have no idea
what I'm talking about?

Baby, maybe she made
an extra effort.

Aha!

What's wrong with that?

Low-cut dress,
"fuck-me" pumps.

Maybe she's excited
to have a grandchild,

wants me to be
properly motivated.

And that doesn't
freak you out?

This whole thing
freaks me out,

and I'm trying
not to think about it.

I'm like
a professional athlete.

If I think, it affects
my performance.

My job is to not think.

Fuck! Fuck!

If you're gonna
follow me to work,

how about giving me a ride?

Not your chauffeur, bro.

Don't burn the milk.

It's not good
when you burn it.

Jim!

Andy from med school.

I'm at County General
down the street.

No kidding.

Good to see you.

I love this place.
Great coffee.

You're a working man now, huh?

Oh, management trainee.

You know, they won't let you
buy a franchise

till you run
one of their stores.

Nice.

I hear these places
are a gold mine.

What can I get you, man?

Hey, you know Adam britt,
Nick Stathis, Mark?

They're all doing
residencies in Chicago.

Nick's ortho,
Mark's a surgeon.

We're grabbing dinner
tomorrow night.

You should join us.

Yeah, sounds fun.

But I'm not sure if I can.

They would love to see you.
You gotta come.

Um, double cappuccino
with non-fat.

I was gonna wait
for the landlord,

but somebody already
kicked the door in for us.

That's considerate.

At least
it's in our price range.

Barely.

Well, it's not like we live
in the Gold Coast now.

Place just needs some paint,
a case of roach motels.

Down the road,
maybe we save some money

and find a house
back in our old hood.

Need a crack pipe?

Better not touch that.

Touch it?
I'm ready to smoke out of it.

I guess I'll call the landlord
and tell him we'll take it.

[Retches]

I need you to watch
your baby brother.

And who's that puking
on his Timberlands?

Cousin Patrick.

He's got nausea,
shortness of breath,

blood in urine,
severe illness, and death.

What the hell
are you reading?

Rat poison.

Hi! Hi!

We are Retard Nation.

Yeah, we're
a local organization,

but as the name suggests,
we are going national.

We're promoting the idea
that people with Down's Syndrome

need to reclaim
their own identities

in order to define themselves.

So if you'd like to,
you can make a donation

or if you'd like to buy
a t-shirt or just get signed--

What the hell is this?

Well, we're a local
organization, Retard Nation--

Take it down now.

Sir, I'm afraid
I can't do that.

Lady, you're not gonna stand
in front of my market

with this goddamn sign.

Pack it up now or I'll do it,
all right?

Sir, we will not
be intimidated by normies.

- By what?
- By normies.

Goddamn it,
get this crap out of here.

- Don't!
- All of it.

- Ma'am, I'm very sorry--
- Don't!

Do not touch me
in front of my market.

This is hate speech.
Get your hands off of me.

Me-tard, you-tard,
retard nation.

So this is it.

It's only a one-bedroom,
but I'm at work a lot.

- Christopher.
- Yeah, Frank?

In order
for the healing to begin,

it's important
that you be honest

and tell me
where you hide your booze.

Under the cushions?
Back of the closet?

I know all the tricks.

I threw it out.

Do you mind if I look around
in case you missed a bottle?

Yeah, yeah, that's smart.

Where do you work?

I'm a vet tech for the city.

I deal with
stray cats and dogs.

Meaning you kill them?

In veterinary parlance,
it's called "control."

Sometimes I rescue
a beauty like Bessie there.

It makes me feel better
about it all.

Hey, I've got
a surprise for you.

Why don't I grab it?

- What sort of surprise?
- You'll see!

Hey.

You know your dog is dead,
right?

Taxidermy
is a hobby of mine.

[Sighs]

So when you say rescue,

you mean bring them home
and stuff them,

because most people
when they used that word--

Meatball subs!

Like you said, remember?

Simple pleasures.

Living in the moment.

Sounds like something
I would say.

You mentioned
you're a Bears fan.

There's no game on, but I've got
last season's highlights.

You eat, I'll cue it up.

You want a blanket?

It's kind of chilly.

I have a new respect
for baristas.

It turns out it's
a highly demanding craft.

Who knew?

You keep burning the shit
out of your--

what's up?

Tell him.

I killed Patrick.

What?

Option four. Kill Patrick.

Why skip an option?

The whole life in prison
thing, sweetheart.

I realize you've had sketchy
parental role models, okay?

But as your
newly appointed guardian,

can we agree that
offing people is not cool?

Can we get on
the same page with that?

Yeah.

If this comes back to us,

if we get charged
with homicide,

do you realize
how serious that is?

What?

Liam.

Oh, Liam.

Oh, got him in time.

We need to come up
with an explanation

in case the cops
tie this to us.

Like we have rats and
Carl threw poison everywhere.

- That works.
- It does?

Anyone who knows you
will know it's not far-fetched.

Debbie, go get everyone so
we can get our story straight.

Okay.

I'm raising a sociopath.

I'm sure that your cousin
went to the hospital,

so he'll probably live.
Hopefully.

Mandy,
I thought that was you.

What the fuck you doing here?

Re-enrolling.

So I know you're seeing Lip,

but like I told him,
I think it's great.

You talked to Lip?

I came by last Tuesday
to say hi.

I didn't come inside.

Lip didn't want me inside,

because, you know,
he didn't want to upset you.

Why would I be upset?

Oh, you wouldn't.

Forget it.

I just meant
I'm happy for you guys.

Latte.

Wait till you try
these pancakes.

Organic blueberries.

You're adjusting very well
for an addict.

Thanks to you, sponsor.

If it weren't for you,

this place would be littered
with whiskey bottles.

What was
your drink of choice?

Terry's.

Never heard of that.

Terry's, uh,
malted whiskey.

You mean malt whiskey?
Like single malt?

Well, all kinds of malt.

Get up in the morning
and drink a full keg of beer.

Man, was that bad.

A keg is 15 gallons.

I didn't know better,

I would think
you're making stuff up.

Our relationship is based
on honesty, Christopher.

I tried to drink alcohol.

I just don't like the taste.

Jesus Christ!
You're not an alcoholic?

Forgive me.

Well, then why go to AA?
Why have me as your sponsor?

Please, Frank,
please, don't move out.

Everything is going
so good with us.

I won't lie to you again.

I promise.

I'll make us prime rib.

[Groans]

Last night of mom's
ovulation cycle, thank God.

She just needs to screw Kev
and not enjoy it.

That's not unreasonable.

That's what every daughter
wants from her mother.

What time is it?

3:15 and still no Patrick.

We don't want him to come,
do we?

It's kind of a toss-up.

If he does show,
the judge gives our house away.

If he doesn't,
he's probably dead,

so we get to keep the house
until we all go to prison.

The estate
of Ginger Gallagher.

Here we go.

Guys.

[Cough]

What now?
Start packing?

Fiona said that you guys
found a place to rent.

Did you take any photos?

You're kidding.

You're serious.

You knew Karen was in town,
didn't you?

I heard that, yeah.

You heard it.

I saw her.

Saw her or fucked her?

If you've got a problem with me
being here, just say so.

I don't want to be
somewhere that I'm not wanted,

so man up, tell me.

I have a problem
with you being here.

You act like
we had a conversation,

never happened.

That I said that it was okay
for you to leave your stuff here

and show up uninvited, do my
laundry, and act like my wife.

But we-- we never
had that conversation,

did we?

I never asked you to be here.

I don't fucking
deserve this.

You found
a new house for rent?

That's great.

Landlord says
it's ours if we want it.

New school?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I never should
have let this happen.

I'm so sorry.

I'm kind of sick
of this place anyway.

Nice to have a change.

[Techno music]

[Speaking portuguese]

Hey.

Going out tonight with
some medical school friends.

Totally upstanding citizens.
You wanna give me a ride?

- I'm not your chauffeur.
- "Not your chauffeur," right.

So you'd rather me
take the El train,

make you get out of your car
to follow me.

d d

Chicago and La Salle.

d d

Don't you look nice.

Yes, she does.

I brought some rose

and some more candles
and some CDs.

You like D'Angelo, Kevie?

You know, a little music
to set the mood.

It's great you want
to set the mood, mama.

It's just Kev and I want
to keep this straight forward,

more like a procedure.

As opposed to what?

- A date.
- Excuse me?

I'm not some whore who comes
over in a raggedy t-shirt,

has relations with
your boyfriend, and leaves.

If we gonna do this,

we might as well
get some ambiance up in here.

Otherwise,
get some trashy thing

won't mind if you bend her
over the kitchen table.

She didn't mean it
like that, mama.

Is this happening or not?

I want to hear my CD.

[Knocking at door]

Come in.

Oh.

Not who I was expecting.

That guy in New York, he, uh,
he really take your money?

Think I would lie
about that?

Well, why not?

It'll make everyone feel bad
for you, lower their guard.

Poor Karen, back home
with her tail between her legs.

That's right.

It's all an act.

You talk to Mandy?

Who?

Oh, Mandy, right.

Yeah, at school.

Kind of a skank,
don't you think?

So you dropped napalm
on my relationship

without even getting
your hands dirty.

Well, it's not like
you lost your touch.

What do you want?

Take your clothes off.

[Horns honking]

Hey!

Hey!

You think
that t-shirt's funny?

No.
No, it's-- it's political.

It's actually pro-tard.

Yeah?
Well, tell that to my sister.

Oh, shit.

Nice.

Ooh, that's it, baby,
that's it.

Ooh, ooh, yeah.

Ooh.

Ooh, yeah.
Ooh, yeah, that's it.

Ooh, that's it.

Ooh, bring it home.

Bring it home, baby.

Ooh, yeah.

Ooh, ooh, ah, ah.

Stop!

Stop!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!

You people want to have
a baby, beautiful.

Find another way to do it.

I can't be working
under these conditions.

All right,
we'll call you.

[Moaning]

Karen, honey,
can you come down?

- Don't stop.
- I wasn't planning on it.

Karen,
Mrs. Wong is here.

Oh, come on in.

Timmy saw you
at the supermarket.

Oh, oh, that's just my
volunteer work for Hymie's sake.

- You have to stop that shit.
- [Gasps] Excuse me?

Timmy saw you fight
with that man.

He's embarrassed for you.

Well, I don't know
if it's a cultural thing

and you're not aware,
but you're being rude right now.

Jody, can you help Mrs. Wong
with the crib?

You act crazy.

I can't leave
the baby with you.

What about you trying to cure
him with your Chinese herbs?

I mean, you need to accept him
for who he is.

No more baby.

Let me know which car's yours.
I'll load it up for you.

She's hoarding Hymie.

What?

Okay, I won't volunteer
anymore if that's what you want.

You promise?

I promise.

I bring the baby tomorrow,

but I stay to watch you.

Okay.

Blue Impala.

Okay.

Your Karen is right.

This is not a good place
for baby.

Karen? My--

when did you talk to Karen?

What kind of a creep
uses Alcoholics Anonymous

to cater
to his nefarious agenda?

It is a slap in the face

to everyone
who attends the program.

Nice shirt, Frank.

Not that we didn't know.

[Laughter]

So he doesn't need
a sponsor.

But he lets you live there
rent-free, and he's feeding you?

It doesn't add up,
does it?

Well, if I were you,
I'd make sure

that he's not a rapist
or a serial killer.

I mean,
you said he's a loner, right?

Super neat?
I bet he's got hardwood floors.

So?

Carpets get bloodstains.

What's he do for a living?

He kills animals,
occasionally stuffs them.

He what?

It's called "animal control"
in veterinary parlance.

It's called he's
Jeffrey fucking Dahmer, dude.

He finds a guy
no one will miss,

gets them to move in with him,
pumps them full of vet drugs.

He's gonna drill
a hole in your head

and turn you
into his zombie sex slave.

Before we get carried away,

Christopher
had a sponsor before me.

The guy moved to Florida.

Oh, he moved to Florida.

And who told you that,
Christopher?

Christopher.

Be careful, Frank.

You're gonna wake up

and find your dick
in a ziploc in his freezer.

d I wanna have
the world at my feet d

d I need to know d

d just how sweet
is sweet d

d I'm gonna take my kicks
as they come d

d yeah,
I'm gonna have some fun d

d I want to be
high up on top d

d I've got no choice d

d I just can't stop d

Fiona!

What's going on?

I've got Patrick Gallagher
outside with an eviction notice.

You're throwing us out?

This was supposed to take
a couple of weeks.

Normally.
The guy seems like an asshole.

I'm trying to chill him out,

but he's made
a couple accusations.

He said you tried to kill him.

That's ridiculous.

He has a toxicology report
from the hospital.

He says he won't press charges
if you move out tonight.

He can't be serious.

He seems to be serious.

But Patrick loves me.

Yeah, well,
is there a place you can go?

Tonight?
No.

Patrick gave me candy.

Debs, go get Lip and Ian,
please.

And then he got
in bed with me

and touched me
in my nice places.

What was that?

About candy
or Patrick touching me?

Patrick Gallagher?

Mm-hmm.

And when you say
"nice places"?

Uh, private places.

Frank?

Aw, fuck.

Frank?

Frank.
Frank.

Frank.

Frank.

Aghh!
Get away from me!

These people are witnesses.

Where have you been?

I've been looking
all over for you.

What do you want?

Are you all right?
Have you had a relapse?

Don't touch me.

I could be your sponsor.
I'm not a drinker,

but I've been to so many
meetings, I know the procedure.

No!
No, no, thank you.

I'm sorry
if I freaked you out.

I'm not real good with,
well, with people, really.

It was great
having someone to talk to.

Get a room, assholes.

I'm sorry, Frank.

See you around.

Wait, wait.

You're not gonna stuff me
or drill a hole in my head?

What?

Your interest in me is not
of a perverse or sexual nature?

No,
nothing like that.

I mean, if you're saying
you want to have sex with me,

I guess I'd do my best.

What happened
to your old sponsor?

Either he's in Florida,

or he's avoiding me,
thinks I'm creepy,

being clingy and all,
and lonely.

So basically
the problem is you're clingy.

What's for dinner
at your place?

Rib eyes.

But we stop at the liquor
store, and you're paying?

- Anything you want.
- Let's go.

Really?
You mean it?

Oh, clingy
is a walk in the park.

Here, have it.

- I really like her.
- Yeah?

She's a poet.

Karen.

Oh, mom,
you scared me.

You told me you
came home to be with Hymie,

but you told the Wongs
to come take Hymie.

Why would you do that?

I missed you, mom.

So it's true.

Everything was better
before Hymie came along,

just you and me.

I wanted us back.

I love you.

You're shitting me.

Standard police procedure, sir.

We'll have to meet
the sex crimes detectives

- at the station, unless--
- Unless what?

- The charges are dropped.
- Charges are--?

400 a month rent,
no deposit.

Are you in on this?

I'm not in on anything, sir.

I am, however, gonna make
a radio call from the car.

You can take your 400
and shove it up your ass.

I remember your hands
touching me and--

- $1,200.

You said it was
our little secret.

I knew it was wrong.

Jesus, what--

900, final offer.

500, no deposit.

I need a 50-year lease,
and I want that in writing.

[Groans]

Hey, check it out.

Left a poison sandwich
in the crawl space.

- Don't.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Ugh, too late.

Why the outpouring
of affection?

We didn't lose the house.

I was molested.
It all worked out.

- What?
- We can stay.

I put your toothbrush
back in the cup.

Want an eye mask?

Curtains let
a lot of light in.

Thanks.

- Night, Frank.
- Good night, Christopher.

I'm going to bed, babe.

All right,
I'll be up in a second.

[Text alert]

Who's that?

- Carol.
- My mother?

My mother is texting you at 1:30
in the fucking morning?

Shit, that's not funny, is it?

I'm just playing.

It's Kate calling in sick
for her shift tomorrow.

I'm sorry, baby.

_

[Rock music]

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