Shameless (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - A Long Way from Home - full transcript

Here's what you missed
on Shameless last time.

Not too much. It
was kind of light last week.

Jesus Christ!
I need you to do this!

I need you to get your shit
together and get the kids back.

No drugs, no booze.

I need your piss clean
and your eyes white.

That's why the good lord
put me here--

so I can take in all his babies

don't nobody else want.

Rule number one. No sitting
on the good furniture.

We have filed the paperwork
to adopt Liam.

Oh, no, Liam.

Did you pee on the couch again
and the wall too?

How the hell are we gonna get that out?

Take it back to the hospital.
Somebody will want it.

I want it.

It's me or the baby.

What is that for?

Sex swing.

Oh, God.

It's good for us to grow.

No!

No, we're just taking fake
wedding pictures for the I.N.S.

I hate this I.N.S. bullshit.

Aw, shit.

What the fuck?

Get the fuck up!
[Both groaning]

No son of mine is gonna be
a goddamn AIDS monkey.

Who reported us?

I would like to report
a negligence situation.

Six kids living in squalor,
no parental supervision.

If it's all right, I would like
to remain anonymous.

[High Strung's The Luck You Got]

♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪

♪ know that it's not for naught ♪

♪ you were beaming once before ♪

♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ what is this downside ♪

♪ that you speak of? ♪

♪ what is this feeling ♪

♪ you're so sure of? ♪

♪ round up the friends you got ♪

♪ know that they're not for naught ♪

♪ you were willing once before ♪

♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ what is this downside ♪

♪ that you speak of? ♪

♪ what is this feeling ♪

♪ you're so sure of? ♪

- Get the locks?
- Hardware store isn't open.

Did you knock?
Manny sleeps upstairs.

- I'll get it.
- Let's go.

Deadbolts, front and back.
Frank's not allowed in anymore.

- You gonna rip him a new one?
- We're done with him.

Let's go. Come on.
Don't want to be late.

You sure about this?

[Opera music playing]

What the hell?
TV's broken.

Uh, parental controls.

We wouldn't want you stumbling
onto something you shouldn't.

That's the only reason to watch.

It still gets Discovery Kids,
Disney, and Bravo.

Come on. Put the remote down.
It's time for your bath.

How many damn times do I have to smell

like mango and pomegranate?

Uh, if you think I'm gonna let
you near your tutor without one,

you got another thing coming, young man.

- Tutor?
- To brush up on your math.

- You're two grade levels behind.
- Only two?

- Daddy!
- I missed you, baby.

They finally let Maria's dad
out of prison, huh?

He'll be back.
So will she.

Till then, drop the mop.
Come on.

You want me to do laundry first?

You're going to replace her.

Downstairs.

Downstairs?

You gonna make me push you down?

[Rock music]

Okay, all right,
find a seat and get busy.

Debbie, here!
Next to me.

You can share my Krazy Glue.

She forces us to make jewelry?

Oh, no. You don't have to.
Not if you aren't hungry.

One bracelet gets you a burger.
Four earrings, French fries.

[Blows]

I don't think this is legal.

Used to be only
a couple of us down here,

but business took off when Mama Kamala

started slapping those
"made in Africa" stickers on.

Dust gets my allergies going.

Yeah, well, the mold and
rat droppings can't be helping.

I'd take more, but it makes me sleepy.

Idle hands are the devil's work, hmm?

Last one.

If I had a dime for every time
I heard you say that,

I'd have exactly one dime.

Court hearing's tomorrow.

I thought you already pissed in a cup.

Spot test. Anything to keep
families apart. One more.

Amen, Frank. Gestapo tried
to declare me an unfit parent.

You brought a crack pipe
to the courthouse.

Who the hell tries to run a crack pipe

through a metal detector?

I know the dog and pony--
show up in a suit,

flash some AA chips,
character reference.

They'll hand the brats right over.

Well, it's nice to know
the bar is set so high.

Nothing more American
than a second chance.

Or a third or a fourth.

Redemption, tugs at the heartstrings.

- Shot for the road.
- Oh, you be careful, Frank.

Those child-stealing liberal
bastards are out for blood.

Broke my judicial cherry
years ago, Chester.

They will never take my kids from me.

I want the kids.

- [Groans] Your parents know?
- Not yet.

They'll relinquish their rights?

My dad's made a career
of refusing responsibility.

- Mom's M.I.A.
- What are my chances?

Cases I take are all about

whether a kid's gonna live
in Aspen or Monaco.

Well, my brother said you'd help.

I told Chip I'd give you five minutes.

- Please, Mr. Redel.
- You can't afford me.

- You do pro bono?
- As little as possible.

My brothers and sister
are in foster homes,

and my father is the reason why.

I need custody now
so I can get them home,

and you're not going anywhere
until you tell me how to do it.

[Sighs]

You know, the firm makes me do
one pro Bono case a year,

and I guess this won't be
as bad as representing

those scary motherfuckers
at the innocence project.

What do I have to do?

Get your parents
to terminate their rights

and prove you can provide
a stable environment.

Get W-2s to show
you've got a full-time job.

You got a place for the kids to live?

Uh-huh.

Hey, get your arm out of the door

so I can go bill somebody?

Thanks.

Baby's finally asleep.

Oh, no.

Should be able to
squeeze in a good 40 minutes

before he's back up.

Jody.

Babe, this is gonna blow your mind.

What if I don't want my mind blown?

All I'm gonna be thinking
about while you choke me out

is how much I love you.

Sweetheart, I can't hang you.

I hang myself.

I just need you to cut me down
when I pass out.

[Knocking on door]

Aah!

- Do not do this!
- No!

Take this down!
I gotta get that!

[Gasping]

Get down!

Yeah, that'll work.

Oh, hello.
Can I help you?

Show-- tell her.

Uh, I think you have my baby in there.

- Uh, we need it back.
- What?

You have an Asian baby in there.

[Speaking Chinese] Baby.

Uh, my mom wants it back.

Tell us your name.

Paula.

Alcoholic.

[Applause]
Welcome, Paula.

Keep coming back, Paula.

Keep coming back.
Keep coming back.

All right, would anyone
like a 30-day chip?

Right here.
Right here.

Let's skip the hug.
It's a little gay.

Bullshit!

30 days? Frank hasn't been
sober for 30 minutes.

Mind your own business.

I can smell the booze from here.

- Just give me the chip.
- Don't do it!

Just let me borrow it.

You've got to earn the chip
like we all did,

through blood, sweat, and tears.

Only requirement for membership

is the desire to stop drinking.

Exactly.

If I'm tempted by the bottle,

I can look to the chip
for encouragement.

Pay it forward, Nance.

This meeting is for people

who have changed their lives
for the better, Frank.

Come on.

Can't do it.

For the better?

You're all dying
a slow, miserable death,

thanks to this cult
of self-improvement.

Drop off the kids,
9:00 to 5:00, PTA, AA.

You call that a life?
This ain't North Korea.

- Alcohol is a gift.
- It's time to go!

Nance, what happened to you?

You used to dance on tables!

Now it's cleaning your dad's catheter

and the graveyard shift
at the drugstore!

You're young!
Don't pack it in!

All right.
All right, slow down.

- I need to make a will.
- What?

I could probably download one
from the Internet.

- All right. For who?
- Aunt Ginger.

I gotta finally make it official.

I'm getting the house.

And I need a W-2
to show I have a job.

It doesn't matter

if you can't get Monica
to sign away her rights.

I don't need her to sign.

I was forging doctor's notes
in first grade.

Hey.

Hey, I thought I heard the door.

They let you out of the group home?

Oh, yeah.
They cut us loose from dawn till dusk.

I found them.

I'm going to visit Carl and Liam.

He asked for M-80s,
Nintendo DS,

and ninja throwing stars.

- Could use your help.
- How?

I'm getting custody.

Of us?

It's the only way to bring everyone home

and keep it that way.

Timmy is the father!
The father gets the baby!

It's the law!

Tell them, you never
give up your rights!

Well, we got rights too, lady!

If we want to get rid
of a kid, we stay in China!

[Crying]

Show me the baby!

Don't you do it.

- She is his grandmother.
- So are you.

- Please.
- Okay, okay.

[Crying]

What's wrong?
You break him?

- He's got Down's Syndrome.
- We fix him.

- Fix him?
- Fix the baby.

Traditional Chinese medicine.

Special herbs from Guangxi
province. Good as new.

You can't fix Down's Syndrome.
It's an extra chromosome.

We have an herb for chromosome.

Have an herb for everything.
Chromosome goes away.

Isn't that right, beautiful boy?

- What's this?
- Nothing. It's for the dog.

Here. Sparky!
[Whistles]

Can I hold him?

Oh!

Where's the mother?
Father is here.

Baby needs a father.
We have a big family.

Many little cousins to play with.

What's taking so long?

You don't have to do this.

Custody.
It's a big responsibility.

Lip'll help.
And Ian.

It's permanent.

Exactly. Frank permanently
out of our lives.

Doing Kev's taxes
every year since I was ten

is finally gonna pay off.

You just gotta scan the W-2
and change the name.

Yeah, it's so easy,

it's like they're daring you
to commit fraud.

I don't want to get Kev in trouble.

- Yo, Kev?
- Hey, need a refill?

No. Is it cool if we put
Fiona's name on your W-2?

- Sure. What's a W-2?
- Hmm?

Look, even if he gets pinched, right?

The feds'll figure out pretty quickly

he can't do his own taxes,
let alone fake someone else's.

Anything else?

Yeah. I need you
to get a will notarized.

- A will?
- Aunt Ginger's.

Good news. She died.
We're getting the house.

Will's no good
without a death certificate.

Yeah. We're gonna
need a body, too.

Uh, where are you gonna get a dead body?

[Ringtone]

- Sorry to bail. It's my mom.
- Everything okay?

Uh, yeah, it's just divorce

plus copious amounts of chardonnay

equals expensive accidents.

I'll call you later, okay?

Bacardi, and leave the bottle.

Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!

Estefania texted 911.
Immigration's at her house.

Told me they were coming tomorrow, man!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Open the door!

Aw, man, what the fuck are you watching?

Cartoons, man.

- Roadrunner is funny as shit.
- Jesus Christ.

Three bracelets and one necklace.

Enough for chicken rings.

- Just two?
- Two earrings.

- Four earrings.
- Two pairs.

Earrings come in pairs.

God helps those who help themselves.

You want 'em or not?

Can I use the bathroom?

Where do you think you're going?

Mama Kamala sees everything.

[Tires squeal]

[Horn honks]

[Tires squealing]

[Horn honks]

- Ah!
- Sorry to keep you waiting.

Wilton. Steve Wilton.
Estefania's husband. Hi.

Ah.
What are we doing?

[Dog barking in distance]

- Hey, need a favor.
- Uh-oh.

That's how I started the talk
with my mom.

I hope you're not asking me
to mount your man.

Those geriatrics at the nursing home

drop like flies, right?

Thought it would be,
"Wham, bam, thank you, mom,"

but Kev's sperm
were as gun-shy as he was.

Bought an ovulation calendar.
Have to track her damn cycle.

- You're going again?
- What choice do I have?

At least this way,
I'll know when she's fertile.

I don't want Kevin fucking
my mom any more than he has to.

So, you must lose

a couple of those seniors
at the home a week, right?

More when Bernice is working.

That negligent bitch is like
the grim fucking reaper. Why?

I need a body.
To get the kids back.

- A real live body?
- Not live.

Thanks.
Knew I could count on you.

Father Pete.
Just who I was looking for.

The silver's locked up, Frank.

[Laughs]

You always had a great
sense of humor, padre.

There's not enough laughs
in religion these days.

Too much fire and brimstone.

- It turns the kids off.
- Got a sermon to write.

While you're putting pen to paper,

how about dashing off
a letter for yours truly?

Kids got taken away again?

Superlatives appreciated.

I wrote you character
references the last two times,

and you're still a deadbeat.

I've turned over a new leaf.

You're the reason we had to
install security cameras.

- Close the door on your way out.
- So that's it?

You're turning away sinners
who are looking for forgiveness?

This-- this is why white kids
are flocking to Allah.

We are in a war for hearts and minds,

and you are shipping American youth

to terror camps in Pakistan.

This is what happens

when you put a German
in charge of the church.

You're not leaving, are you?

You could just reprint

the one you did last time.

Then you'll get the hell out?

Use parish letterhead.

And if he gets a diaper rash,
try the Desitin.

And, um, at night,
sing him Song Sung Blue.

- Song Sung...
- Yeah, he loves Neil Diamond.

I put the words in the diaper bag.

And tickle him.
Don't forget to tickle him.

He loves that,
especially under the armpit.

He laughs so hard.

Are you sure this is what you want?

He should know his dad.
Yeah.

This way, he'll get to be with everyone,

just like a timeshare.

Yeah.
I love you so much, Hymie.

Okay.

Come tomorrow.
Tickle him.

I will.

And we'll see you weekends and holidays.

Don't forget Neil Diamond!

[Car door shuts] Sweet Caroline...

[Car starts]

And Cracklin' Rosie get on board!

He loves Neil diamond.

[Car door shuts]

[Sniffles]

It's the right thing to do.

Can't see how.
I miss him already.

You want to go upstairs?

Babe?

I should get back to Fiona.

Immigration is getting suspicious.

Not my fault.

How much money do you have
in this account, exactly?

Gas bill.

You're going to be here now
mornings and nights, yes?

In case Immigration makes
another surprise visit?

Yeah, absolutely.
Wouldn't miss it.

- Other than tomorrow.
- [Speaking foreign language]

Uh, my girlfriend's trying
to adopt her siblings.

The court hearing's tomorrow.

You know, didn't even ask me.
Just assumed I'd be on board.

And why would she ask you?

It's not only her decision.
It affects me too.

You always take care of your family.

Yeah, well, I didn't exactly
sign up for that.

She is too good for you.
Cable.

You mind if I make
one of these out to cash?

Nothing big. Just some
"walking around" money.

Just a couple grand.

Joint bank account
is for Immigration only.

Have a heart.
I'm tapped.

My parents' money is
tied up in their divorce,

and I'm gonna need some cash

if I'm supporting a whole family now.

You always take care of your family.

You take care of them, not Nando.

There was an old lady
who lived in a shoe.

She's 22.

Had so many kids,
she didn't know what to do.

What difference does it make?
She's been doing the job for years.

- You cool with it?
- Whatever it takes. You?

As long as I don't have to
call her "mom."

- Oh, sh--
- Guess who?

Jimmy's dad?

Hey, you seen Mickey around?

He's been missing.
He owes me 50 bucks.

- He'll be on his feet soon.
- What happened?

- My dad pistol-whipped him.
- Why?

Since when does anyone need
a reason to pistol-whip Mickey?

- Have you signed up yet?
- What for?

S.A.T. The deadline's
tomorrow. I told you.

I'll do it online.
It takes two seconds.

Yeah, you said you'd graduate too,

and you're on your what,
fourth semester of senior year?

My third.
Only two courses left.

All right.
So, where are we going?

Uh, drew up a will.
We need it notarized.

- Ginger Gallagher?
- It's a long story.

Well, it looks like
you wrote down the wrong year.

Uh, no, that's the right year.

What, 2006?

You're taking the S.A.T.?

Not unless someone's paying me.

- Hey.
- You must be Sheila.

Yes?

Jody's told us so much about you.

- Oh.
- Hey.

Hi. Are you
friends of Jody's?

Oh, it was so good to get his call.

Hadn't heard from him in a while.

- Outlet?
- Um, it's around the corner.

- Where do you want the plastic?
- Plastic?

Yeah, the carpet looks nice.
Wouldn't want to ruin it.

Oh, um, let me-- Jody?

Did Jody hire you guys
to work on the house?

Yo, Shawn, this enough lube?

Made a Costco run.
Got another in the car.

Should last us for round one, right?

Jody!

What's up, fellas?
You stretch yet, old man?

Yeah, yeah. Where do you
want the Gatorade?

- Uh, the fridge is fine.
- Can I, um, talk to you?

- You meet the guys?
- Yeah, I-I did.

I'll be right back.
Ow. What's-- what's wrong?

- Get them out of here!
- Why?

- I thought you'd be into it.
- Are you nuts?

I figured it'd get your mind off stuff.

I was right to have Hymie
go with the Wongs!

What?

This is not a healthy
environment for a child.

You mean I'm the reason he's gone?

[Clears throat]

So is-- is this gonna
happen or what?

I gotta pick up my daughter
from ballet in an hour.

- No! It is not!
- Yes! Yes, it is!

- Somewhere else.
- Don't sweat it.

I got an eVite to a bukkake
party on the West Side.

Sweet. All right, guys.
Let's get out of here.

Jody?
Jody.

[Dog barking in distance]

Hey, thanks for getting the deadbolt.

- Hey.
- How's your mom?

- Just needed a little TLC.
- I need to find Frank.

- Oh, he's upstairs.
- You let him in?

No, he was already raiding
the fridge when I got here.

You seen my suit?

I'm gonna take the kids off your hands.

All you gotta do is sign a form.

Can't find anything
in this goddamn house.

Did you hear me?
I want the kids.

If you want a kid so bad,
toss your birth control pills.

I want you to give up
your parental rights.

I'm serious. Look.
I already got Monica to sign.

You'd have to find her first.

- Where is she?
- Not telling you.

She's my wife.

If she wanted you to know where she is,

she would have told you herself.

Now, you gonna sign the form?

- No!
- She did.

- She would never do that.
- I got a witness.

It's not like you want your kids anyway.

They're my kids!

You're the one who called DFS on 'em

to have them taken away!

- Bullshit!
- I heard the tape.

I never fucking called anybody.

Of course you don't remember.
You're drunk all the time.

Just tell me what it's gonna take.

What? Suddenly, you give
a shit about your kids?

You don't want to sign, fine.

I'll have you declared unfit.
I already got a lawyer.

- I'm getting the kids.
- You're not taking my kids!

It's Veronica. Says
she's got a dead body for you.

- All right.
- Hey, V.

[Groans] I'm hungry.

Make more earrings.
They're easier.

Gotta escape.
Get food.

Mama Kamala sees everything.

Could attack her with scissors.

That's like going after
a rhino with a butter knife.

Oh, you call that a cross?

Give me the damn Krazy Glue, Carley.

Give me your Benadryl.

Now, this is a cross Jesus
would be proud to be nailed to.

You want to play with this?
All right.

Hey, careful with those throwing stars.

They could pierce a jugular.

- You gotta get me out of here.
- Why?

They took my rifle,

they make me brush my teeth
after every meal,

they're always around,
seeing if I'm okay.

Do you mean they're
trying to be good parents?

Uh, don't forget, Carl.
Church in ten minutes.

[Text alert]

Shit.

That's Fiona.
I gotta go meet her.

But, hey, um, see if you can get

the security codes for this place.

We'll come back in a couple months

and steal a bunch of this shit,
all right?

Hang in there.

Come on, Mandy, we gotta go.

See you, buddy.

Bye.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[Gunshots]

So, uh, thanks to me,

you've been pistol-whipped
and shot in the ass?

[Gunshot]

Just want to make sure you're okay.

[Gunshot]

Hey, I can't stop thinking about it,

what happened.

Would you at least look at me?

[Gunshot]

Fine.

[Gunshot]

[Toy squeaks]

Hey, seen any of your boyfriend's

Sex Addicts Anonymous chips?

I need one for court.

He doesn't care about
Sex Addicts Anonymous anymore,

and it's all my fault.

You know where he keeps 'em?

What's going on?

Where's the kid?

[Crying]

Mrs. Wong's.
His grandmother.

- You let her take him?
- Not forever.

But this is not a healthy
environment for a child.

Jody is out of control,

and he told me this would happen,

and I just pushed him
and pushed him and--

I'm gonna miss
that little half-wit.

I'm just packing up
some of his favorite toys.

Made in China, just like him.

No wonder he likes 'em so much.

Must be a sense memory thing
with the lead paint.

Don't let the kid go.
Fight for him.

How?

I can't have a child here
with Jody's problem.

He just won't even listen.

Well, don't take no for an answer.

We could help him see.

[Laughs] We?

- An intervention.
- Whoa! No, no, no, no, no.

- Yeah.
- Interventions aren't my thing.

- Oh, Frank! Please.
- My libertarian leanings.

Live and let live.
You understand.

Okay, well, take a day or two
before you have to move out.

Move out?

[Dogs barking in distance]

Laronda.
Come on, Laronda.

This is our chance.

- No.
- [Groans]

[Snoring]

Mama Kamala sees everything, hmm?

I can't believe I'm doing this.

- You take care of the will?
- Signed and notarized.

[Knocks on door]
Lanny.

I told you.
Two taps, then three.

Forgot the code.
Let us in?

Which one of you is looking
for an old white woman?

Just booked a first class
ticket to eternal damnation.

Out of rigor mortis,
starting to decompose.

And, lucky for you, set to be cremated.

Won't her family ask questions?

Got a Jane Doe in the back,
never been IDed.

Best thing about ashes--
they all look the same.

- What do you want for her?
- I could use a pick-me-up.

Night shift's killing me.
[Phone chimes]

- What's your poison?
- I'm not picky.

Hmm. Can you guys
handle it from here?

Mom, she got a little
ambitious on the Ambien.

I'll meet you back at the house.

You'll want to work fast.
She won't stay cold long.

[Shouting in Portuguese]

[Shouting in Portuguese]

I told you, I don't speak Spanish.

Get the fuck out!

Give me a couple minutes.
I'll recharge.

You got any roast beef?
I just need some protein. Ho--!

Where the hell did you come from?

- My husband.
- Yeah.

I thought she was lying
about being married, man.

Oh, no, we're married.
Joint bank accounts.

- I can show you the paperwork.
- You go!

- I need my clothes!
- Go now!

I'm naked!

Hey, that wasn't the I.N.S.,
was it?

Ten seconds, all he has!
Push, push, push, done!

You called me here for this?

- Finish me?
- You're kidding.

Okay, so that's all I'm good for now,

is, uh, babysitting
and a-- and a booty call?

Coming?

Hopefully not for at least ten seconds.

♪ Hey, I've been around the world
with the fantasy girls ♪

♪ and I ain't never seen
an ass like that ♪

[All groaning]

[Gags]

- Okay.
- Get the legs.

Jeez, it fucking reeks!

Need the biohazard mask
they use when Ebola breaks out.

This is the best we've got.
Cover your nose.

Lip, get her fucking legs, man.

Are we really gonna do this?

We're not taking
any chances. Okay.

Okay, okay. Come on.

[All groaning]

- You got her?
- Lift up!

- Okay.
- All right.

Okay, okay.
Oh, boy.

[Sighs]

Okay, who wants to do the honors?

The real Aunt Ginger lost a toe.

Somebody's got to snip it.
V, you're a nurse.

Not a chance.

All right.
Oh, fuck.

Won't it bleed?

Heart's stopped pumping.

Oh, fuck.
No, no, no, no. Oh!

Glue it shut when I'm done.

[Groans]

[Door opens]

- Debbie? What's going on?
- Are you okay?

- I can't talk. Hungry.
- Are they not feeding you?

- Do we have any more milk?
- You're not going back there.

I've got to bring food to the others.

Grab bread and cereal.
We're gonna need grocery bags.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're coming home, Debs, I promise.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[Gasps]

[Wire cutters click]

Sheila, can you get me the ice pack?

What's going on?
Why is Tommy here?

Jody, we're here because
we care about you.

What?

Your drinking is destroying your family!

It's not that kind of intervention.

Oh. Great.

- Intervention?
- Sit down, Jody.

I just dropped a dozen loads.
I need to get some ice.

Sit down. Sit. Sheila
has prepared some remarks.

I have.

"Jody, when you tried
to get me to be intimate

with three of your friends,

it made me feel sad and overextended.

Sex in a committed relationship

shouldn't involve sheets of plastic

and depriving a body
of oxygen."

Sheila, I'm--

"If you do not get the help you need,

you will force me to shut you
out of my life

and the life of my grandson Hymie,

who needs
a healthy environment."

- Sheils.
- Gotta go cold turkey.

- Can we talk about this?
- There's only one way.

Handcuff yourself and sweat it out.

[Exhales] Okay.

Not that easy.

- Need something from you.
- What?

Chips are earned through
blood, sweat, and tears.

When you've earned them,
you'll get 'em back.

Fair enough.

Over there.

I'm proud of you, Jody.

Thank you, Frank.

Atta boy!

Paramedics buying it?

[Indistinct radio transmission]

Been dead at least a day or two.

We were gone for a few days.

We found her when we got back.

You're Patrick's cousin, right?

- You know Patrick?
- Play softball together.

He's, uh, he's a hell of a bat,

but he can barely make it
to first base without oxygen.

You are in a lot better shape.

Well, that's not saying much.

Cousin Patrick's like
a coronary waiting to happen.

Yeah.

Look, I know this isn't
exactly a great time,

but, uh, are you seeing anyone?

Can we talk about it
after I bury my aunt?

Right.
Sorry.

Um, I'll make sure to pass along
my condolences to Patrick.

[Bottles clink]

You're sure about this?

It's the only way we can keep
you from resisting your urges.

It's really hard.

I'll be with you the whole time.

No, I mean, it's really hard.

Handcuffs turn me on.

[Gasp]

[Laughs]

They don't give you extra credit
for showing up early.

- Where's your lawyer?
- In labor, crapping out a kid.

- Representing myself.
- Well, got some bad news.

Aunt Ginger passed away.
Yeah.

On the plus side, it turns out
she left me the house.

- What did you do?
- Only what I had to.

How about a thank you?

Now there's no danger
they'll haul you away

for social security fraud.

No more checks to cash, either.

Fuck you very much.

Always about the money, isn't it?

Work this out inside.
That's why we're here.

I'll see you in there.

- Fiona!
- Hey! I missed you so much!

Hiya! Hi!
Where's my little man? Hi!

- Hey, room for us in here?
- Hi.

- Get the will?
- Yeah, yeah, got it.

- Go file it now.
- Okay.

Frank!
Is it you?

Mom.

Oh!

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just pretty hungry.

- Would you make me something?
- Oh, my God.

Of course I'll make you something.

DFS. I'd like to
get it started here.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Britney Sturges,
Department of Family Services.

After receiving a report
about the Gallagher home,

I found the children under
Francis Gallagher's care

in a state of neglect.

We subsequently removed
the children from the home

for their own protection.

Mr. Gallagher,
you want the children back?

They're my kids, Your Honor.

The mother has relinquished
her parental rights.

What does that mean?

Monica doesn't want to be our mom?

She did it for you guys,
so I can bring you home.

And Ms. Gallagher
has filed a petition

to terminate the father's
parental rights.

Yes, Your Honor.

Are you prepared to assume custody?

I am.

I can provide a stable
environment for the kids,

something that has been
sorely lacking with our father.

I have a full-time job,
and I will soon own a home.

Hi, um, Cleopatra.
I'm here to file a will, please.

- Ginger Gallagher.
- Mm-hmm.

- Second one today.
- What?

Had another will filed earlier.

Um, how--
how is that possible?

Well, here's it, uh...

Dated last year.

- It supersedes yours.
- Who the hell filed it?

Patrick Gallagher.

- Cousin Patrick.
- She leave the house to him?

Thank you.

Next!

Eggs Benedict, coming up.

Mmm! Voila!

Uhh!
[Laughs]

- Toast and some fruit.
- Good.

Mmm!

I owe you an apology.

I never should have said those things.

I never should have made you choose.

Um...

Where is he?
My baby?

He's not living here right now.

Where is he?

He's with his daddy.

He's where he belongs for now,

and you're back where you belong.

I don't deserve him after what I did.

Don't say that.

I don't.

The best thing about mistakes is,

we get to correct them.

His name is Hiram,
and we call him Hymie,

and he is a beautiful,
wonderful baby boy.

Hymie.

Go on.
Eat it while it's hot.

Of course.
Thank you.

I love you.

Your brother Ian testified

about your father's
months-long absence.

Did his disappearance make you sad?

I don't know.

Were you glad when he came back?

He got me into camp.

- Camp?
- My first time.

Had a good time at camp?

Yeah.

Happy when he came back?

I guess.

What about you, Deborah?

Were you glad
when your father came back?

I was glad he wasn't dead.

Did you miss him while he was gone?

Uh, very much.

Did he get you into camp?

Mm-mm. I spent the summer
at the pool.

Daddy helped me learn.

How to swim?

Sort of.
It was a hard summer.

I wouldn't have
made it through without him.

Fiona helped me too.

Mr. Gallagher, you have
very special children.

That's why I had to leave, Your Honor.

I couldn't stand to see them

live through my battles
with addiction any longer.

It's my fight, not theirs.

- So, you left.
- To get help.

Sometimes the hardest part
is admitting you need it,

and I didn't want to come home
until I was clean and sober,

a father they could be proud of.

It isn't easy,

but every day I still have
one of these is a good day.

You're not buying this, are you?

- Ms. Gallagher.
- Have you seen his record?

Right here.

Breaking and entering,
drunk and disorderlies,

public urination,
solicitation, possession,

possession with intent,
domestic disturbance,

four DUIs, and you don't even own a car.

Alcohol is a cruel mistress.

He hasn't stopped drinking,
and he never will.

Your Honor, if I may?

Fiona has been hurt
by my behavior too many times

to believe I've changed.

That's my fault, not hers.

She has kept things going in my absence,

and I will be forever grateful.

I'm not the perfect parent.

I like to have a good time,
to live life to the fullest.

Sometimes I go too far.

But I love my kids.

They mean the world to me.

I don't know--
I don't know what I'd be

if I wasn't a dad.

I'd be nothing.

Please don't take my kids away from me.

Ms. Gallagher,
you want to tell me

why your father should be
declared unfit?

We were living out of a car once.

Uncle Nick had kicked us out.

We couldn't find anyone else
who'd take us in.

Lip and Ian and me
were sleeping in the backseat

when Frank pulled over.

Middle of the night.
Think it was Halstead.

Told me to take the boys
and sit on a curb,

and he'd be right back.

I was six.

Few hours later, we're still
sitting on the sidewalk,

and Ian's head is burning up.

He's hysterical.
I don't know what to do.

So I ran down the street,
Lip under one arm,

Ian under the other,
trying to flag down help.

It would have been easier scoring crack

than a ride to the clinic.

I finally made it on foot.

They said Ian had a fever of 104.

Another couple hours, who knows?

I didn't find Frank
till a couple days later.

First thing he asked me

was how much money I had on me.

I wish I could say
that was the only time,

but it was just the first.

My mother's bipolar

and my father's
an alcoholic and an addict.

He takes what he pleases
and he offers nothing.

No money, no support.

I've done what I could
to help raise my siblings.

I wish I could have done more.

I'm not asking for your pity

or your admiration.

I just want to be able
to give these kids

everything that they deserve,

because they're great kids
and they deserve better.

Chambers, please.

[Gavel bangs]

I know you didn't ask for it,
but you've got my admiration.

Your siblings are
very fortunate to have you.

I just want to bring 'em home.

Well, from all appearances,

your father's a pathological liar,

and it's just a matter of time
before he screws up again.

Now, it's my job to determine

what's in the best interest
of the children,

and I would rather not
leave them in his care,

but here's my problem.

Neglectful as he may be,

that's not enough to prove abuse.

So you're gonna let him keep
his rights to the kids?

I'm considering
appointing you the guardian,

which would give you legal rights

to make decisions about these kids.

As guardian, you'd have
a legal role in their lives

from here on.

- Okay.
- Hold on.

I said I was considering it.

Taking care of these kids
would be your life.

It already is.

And you're prepared to be
responsible for them

until they're 18?

You have one brother who's two.

That's 16 more years.

If that's what's in their best interest.

Well, what's in your best interest?

I have a daughter,

and when she was around your age,

she went to college.

She traveled across the country.

It was the best time of her life.

Now, if you decide to do this,

there's no changing your mind.

Your siblings come first,
even-- even if you decide

that you want your life back
at some point.

Even if you get married
and you and your husband

want to start a new family.

I appreciate how you feel
about these kids,

but I wouldn't want that
for my daughter.

We're talking about
the rest of your life.

Mr. Gallagher, you have admitted
it's been challenging

to handle this responsibility
on your own.

Now, if I allow you to retain
your parental rights,

would you consent to your daughter

becoming guardian to these children?

They'd still be my kids?

Provided you attend 60 days of AA.

But she'd have all the responsibility?

Not all, but yes.

Works for me.

Would you agree to be the guardian

of these children?

Yes, I do.

Well, that will be my order, then.

Take your children home.

[Gavel bangs]

[Cheering]

[Laughter]

Oh!

[Upbeat music]

You gonna tell her about the house?

Not yet.

I got my kids back!

[Laughs]

Drinks on the house!

Just one.
Just one.

- Just one.
- Just one.

We'll start with one.

So, where are the kids at, Frank?

Eh, fuck if I know.
Who's got the next round?

I got Xbox!

- Who wants to hit the pool?
- Oh, me!

I got swim diapers.

[Laughs]

Guess we're not getting
our own place anytime soon.

I'll grab towels!

[Upbeat music]

♪ Put the window down ♪

♪ move on over here ♪

[Gasps]

Jody?

Are you blowing yourself?

Hey.
When'd you get home?