Shameless (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Cascading Failures - full transcript
The Dept. of Family Services hauls the Gallagher children away, leaving Fiona desperate to get them back. She then has to get Frank ready to make a "Father of the Year" appearance.
- Don't know where the fuck
you were last week,
But here's what you
missed on shameless.
They're digging out
the sewer main in a few days
And shutting the water off.
- What about aunt ginger?
- Let me spell
this out for you.
The city digs up some bones,
the police show up.
You buried a body, and you stole
from the federal government.
You will never get
out of prison.
- "my dad is gay
for your brother" thing,
It's, like, on a film loop
in my brain.
- I'll be back for dinner.
Buck up, kiddo.
- No biggie,
just my universe falling apart.
- We are literally
digging up a body.
Walk away.
Yeah, why don't you go cry
to your gay dad about it?
- Hey, what did the doc
say this morning?
- I need to know the truth.
Can I have a damn baby or not?
- What about a surrogate?
- And you two take it from me
when it comes out?
- Yes, mama.
It will be our child.
It will be your grandchild.
- You know the guy
you beat the shit out of?
He wants me to sneak
into his mansion
And take all
of his crap.
- Don't know what you see
in that geriatric viagroid.
- He isn't afraid to kiss me.
- I can take care
of you at home.
- No, you can't.
- Get in the car.
Debbie, get in the car.
- I love you, debbie!
- Operator, can you connect me
with child welfare services?
I would like to report
a negligent situation.
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm britney sturgess
from child protective services.
[high strung's
the luck you got]
♪
- ♪ think of all the luck
you got ♪
♪ know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
♪
♪ round up the friends
you got ♪
♪ know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
[train horn blaring]
[dog barking]
- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Hey, what the hell's going on?
- Department of family services
is taking us away.
- They what?
Can they do that?
- It won't last, debs.
I promise.
What was it last time--
a week?
- Nine days.
- Aw, 20 bucks says
we're back in five.
- Can I get their placement
addresses from you now?
- Not until the intake
interviews with the children
Are complete.
- Who reported us?
[engine starting]
Come on! Who was it?
[sighs]
- Frank.
[footsteps approaching]
Frank. Frank.
Frank.
I'm off to my
hypnotherapy appointment.
I need you
to watch hiram.
- I'm kind of in the middle
of something here, sheils.
Where's jody?
- He's working
at the tattoo parlor.
- Marking idiots with ink so the
rest of us can recognize them.
- Frank, you have tattoos.
- Point well taken.
- So--and if you're
doing laundry,
Can you put some
of hymie's onesie's in?
Might as well.
You're both covered in pee-pee.
[hushed laughter]
[shushes]
- There you go, buddy.
I just want you
to know that
My dumping you
and leaving town...
Is in no way a reflection of
my feelings toward you, hiram.
I just gotta lay low
a little bit
In case they find ginger's body
in my backyard.
- [exhales]
[sighs]
[plates clattering]
Oh, shit!
I got a shift
in ten minutes.
- Yeah, go to your shift.
I'll take care of this.
- I wasn't sure
I'd see you again.
- Yeah.
I wasn't either.
- I'm gonna see if I can get
one of the evil cock gobblers
To cover my shift
so I can get over to the dfs
And start tracking down
the kids.
- You guys okay?
- Oh, yeah.
Ain't our first time
at the rodeo.
'cause liam's still cute
and little...
- [babbling]
- He'll go to some loving home
with people
Who really want a family,
but waited so long
Their egg batter rotted so they
can't have one of their own.
- And debbie and carl will be
placed together because...
- Because the state always tries
to keep siblings together.
- And lip and I can handle
whatever foster nut jobs
We end up with.
- Remember that last guy
with the, uh...
Was it the fucking
bathroom peephole?
- Oh, yeah.
- Well, this time's gonna
be a little different.
I've placed liam
and carl together,
But debbie, unfortunately,
has to be placed separately.
- All by myself?
- And, philip and ian,
you're too old to be placed,
So you're going
to a group home.
- Like a whore's period--
late again, bitch.
- You're wasting
your talents, patty.
You should be tweeting
this crap.
[knocks on door]
- You're late.
- I know. I'm sorry.
Look, I kind of have
a family emergency
And was wondering if I could
skip my shift today?
- Would you look at this?
It's filthy.
My back is filthy,
'cause you haven't washed it.
So why should I wash yours?
- Look, I just need
a couple hours
To get to the department
of family services.
They yanked my brothers
and sister from our house
This morning, and I just gotta
find out where they are
And make sure they're safe
And not with any psychos
or anything, please.
- Sorry, but if you can't get
anyone to cover your shift...
- You know as well as I do
none of these bitches
Are gonna cover for me.
I still have
that video of you,
And I have no problem
sending it to your wife.
- Yeah, and I have no problem
going to dfs to tell them
You steal from the register
and show up high every day.
- Your word against mine.
- Actually, the girls
will back me up.
And I'm gonna
want you to quit
So I don't have to
pay you unemployment.
- Fuck you, bobby.
- Tell you what, you, uh,
tickle the balls a little bit,
And maybe I'll write you
a letter of recommendation.
- It really puts the "home"
in "group home."
[baby babbling]
[dog barking in distance]
- It's only gonna
be a couple days, okay?
Every gallagher
can handle that, right?
- I'll take care of liam.
- Yes, you will.
- Hey, debs.
- See you soon, all right?
- Hey.
- Good day, gentlemen.
My name is d'andre,
and this is gunderson house,
A level 14 boys' group home
housing underage d&ds
In the chicago system.
- Is that
"dungeons and dragons"?
- "delinquents and deviants."
follow me.
This will be your primary
residence until we figure out
Which one you are.
Your wallets and cell phones
will be in my care
Until you've proven to me
that you can follow the rules.
- So it's like prison?
- It's up to you.
You will be given an opportunity
to earn back your money
And your cell phone privileges.
- Gee, thanks.
- You would do well
to shut your mouth
And keep your eyes open
in here.
- [clears throat]
- The county database says that
you're available for placement,
But I'm concerned there are
too many children in your care.
I'm sure there's
some kind of limit.
[kids talking indistinctly]
- These ain't cats, honey.
They're kids.
They need someone
to take care of them.
That's why the good lord
put me here.
So I can take in all his babies
don't nobody else want.
[laughs]
Come here, sweetheart.
Come on,
I'm not gonna bite you.
[laughs]
You're a blessing.
Mama kamala
is truly blessed to have you.
Yep.
- It's only for a few days.
I'll be okay.
- Um, this is my number.
If you have any questions
Or, you know, if you just
want to talk about anything,
You can call me anytime, okay?
- Okeydokey.
Bye-bye, now.
Rule number one--
No sitting
on the good furniture.
- This is the good furniture?
- Rule number two--
no sassing. You hear me?
Let me look inside that bag.
Give me that bag.
Make sure you ain't got nothing
in there to get you in trouble.
Why are you standing there
eyeballing me?
Get busy minding them kids.
- Hi.
I'm debbie.
- Laronda.
You ain't getting
your bags back.
- I know.
And what's your name?
- We want to be completely
honest with you, carl.
We have been looking
to adopt a bi-racial baby
For quite some time.
And when they called about liam,
we were over the moon.
And then the state
told us about you.
And we want to try
to keep you two together.
So let's give
this foursome a try.
- Which one are you again?
- I'm cassius,
and this is lanier.
- So you guys are gay?
- Yep.
- Yes.
- Does, like, shit ever get
stuck on the tip of your dick?
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
- Uh...
- Gallagher?
- I was hoping to see marilyn.
She's been our caseworker
the last couple years.
- Well, the turnover rate
in our field is quite high.
It's really a wonder marilyn
lasted as long as she did.
So how can I help you?
- You can give me the addresses
where the kids were placed.
- I already told you,
I can't give out any information
About the case until
the intakes are complete.
- Come on. Marilyn always
used to give me the info,
Just so I can know
they're okay
And can get them stuff,
like books or clothes
Or whatever.
- Well, that is a clear
violation of policy
On marilyn's part.
- Hey. I know
you think you're helping,
But as someone
who has been in and out
Of the system
their whole life,
I can tell you
it's a nightmare.
These kids have a big sister
who loves them,
And I just want
to make sure they're okay.
So give me something, britney.
I mean,
break a goddamn rule.
- I can tell you
that I placed two together
In one foster home
and the girl in another.
And the two older boys
are in a group home.
- The one on hester?
- No. They're in
a level 14 on richmond.
- Thanks.
Hey, if I can find one family
willing to take in all the kids,
Could they be placed together?
- In theory, yes.
- Stella been in yet?
- What's with the bag?
- Uh, going fishing
for a couple of days.
I heard stella's
pulling a long haul
Up to northern canada.
Hoping to hitch a ride.
- Fishing? You gonna use
your tiny dick as a worm?
- I've caught some big whales
with this little worm,
Yourself included there, moby.
Hello, stella.
How are you, sunshine?
- What the hell do you want?
- Oh, you know, same as you--
Free pussy
and a life on the road.
Could I hitch a ride?
- Where you headed?
- Anywhere but here.
- Kill somebody?
- No, no, no.
But I did bury her.
- Could always
use some company.
I'll meet you here
tomorrow morning
Before I pick up my load.
- A couple of boilermakers
to take the edge off
The long haul, huh?
- I don't drink
before I drive.
I end up ramming
smart cars in the ass
Just for shits and giggles.
[laughter]
[camera buzzing]
[beep]
- V?
- Upstairs!
Making a video
for one of those
Do-it-yourself
websites online.
Pays 150 bucks.
This one's on a high colonic.
Next week I bleach my exit ramp.
- Dfs took the kids
this morning.
- Oh, shit.
- You think you and kevin could
talk to your foster caseworker
About taking them in?
- Five gallaghers in my house?
- Just for a couple days--
A week, maximum.
Lip and ian got placed
in a level 14 group home.
- Level 14?
- For kids that light
their parents on fire
Or stab them in the face while
they're napping on the couch.
- Well, you're over 21 now.
Can't they just
release them to you?
- I'd have to file
for guardianship.
- [groans]
five gallaghers.
I'm gonna be the lone black dot
on a map of ireland.
[hip-hop music playing]
♪
- You been
in a group home before?
It's always like this?
- No, last place I was in
was an actual home.
This is more like
a fucking labor camp.
Yo, give me your cash.
- What?
- Give me your cash.
Now. Come on.
- Hey, salvador,
check it out.
It's that chick
from the movie brave.
- He your boyfriend?
- No. Brother.
I'm lip.
This is ian.
We don't want any trouble,
all right?
We're just passing through.
- Long as you show respect,
you're gonna be fine.
- You're like
a fucking cockroach--
Able to live anywhere
and feed off anything.
- Lemonade, man.
- [exhales]
[cries]
[grunts]
[sighs]
[door opens]
Jimmy?
- Darker.
- Hey. Talk to your caseworker?
- Unfortunately, yeah.
Two reasons why we can't
take in your brood.
- One--the fact
that you had a foster child
In your home that ran away
under your "supervision."
Two--technically, the
investigation's still pending
As to the quality
of your care.
- The quality of my care?
You're saying her running away
is my fault?
- Oh, you know what?
Do not get all up in my grill,
sister girl, okay?
- Well, it was worth a shot.
- Now what?
- Gotta kick it
into high gear,
Figure out where
the kids are staying,
Get the house ready
for home inspection.
They're gonna require a fit
parent to get the kids back,
So I'm hoping
to find monica
So I don't have to deal
with frank.
Why does it always
come down to frank?
- [sighs]
- Carl, it's dinnertime.
Carl?
Where is that boy?
- Oh, I'm gonna
pound your fucking hole.
Yeah. Oh, that fucker's
going up your ass.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Why don't you
get those pants off
So I can eat
your fucking hole?
- Why do they
all have moustaches?
- Out. Now.
That was an invasion of our
privacy, and we won't have it.
You are not to touch things
that don't belong to you.
Now sit down.
- Am I allowed
to touch the chair?
- Don't be smart.
- What the hell is this?
- Kale, brown rice, and tofu.
Your body is a temple, carl,
And you only want to put
things in it that are natural.
- Like fists?
I saw it in that movie.
- [sighs]
- [clears throat]
[christian tv's
1, 2, 3 turnaround]
- ♪ do, do, do, do, do, do
♪ do, do, do,
do, do, do ♪
♪ do, do, do
♪ I race my feet,
I miss a beat ♪
♪ throw my seat
♪ don't care,
get off my back ♪
♪ I make a sound,
I wash it down ♪
♪ around so round
♪ get off,
don't touch my stack ♪
♪ come step outside
to shoot me high ♪
♪ 'cause I'm about to crack
♪ 1, 2, 3, turn around,
don't you watch me now ♪
♪ just turn around
♪ touch your knees,
don't look, just turn around ♪
♪ do it now,
do it now ♪
♪ walk right
through that door ♪
[bottles clinking]
- Holes in your backyard
have been filled.
[bottle opening]
- Hey, grandma, it's fiona...
Gallagher.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's been a while.
Yeah, I was just wondering
if you, by any chance...
Maybe know where
my mom might be?
Your daughter.
Monica.
Yep.
Yeah, I figured.
But I just thought I'd try.
Okay. Thanks.
[sighs]
- Now what?
- With no monica,
I kind of have no choice.
I gotta find frank,
Get him sober and ready
to appear in court.
- [chuckles]
- He's like
my sad-ass obi-wan kenobi.
- I can help you with that.
- That's a pretty nice offer,
Considering how much of a dick
I was to you about your dad.
- No, you're always a dick.
- Seriously, I don't mean
to be an asshole.
It's just...Genetic.
- Yeah. You're not wrong.
I need to suck it up
about my dad being gay...
And a liar.
And I need to get over it.
And I am.
I'm good.
Silver lining?
Huh?
Finally have the house
to ourselves.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just not feeling it.
You mind if we just lay here?
- Yeah.
Yeah, sounds nice.
- What is this stuff?
- It's pus from
your mother's monkey.
Thought you liked
the taste of that.
- What is your problem, dude?
- Nick, salvador,
find another table.
Proof of your employment
came through,
So you go
to work today.
I need your employer
to sign this, times in and out.
Understand?
- You know, I'm actually
pretty excited to get out there.
Start looking for work.
- Nice try.
You have court-mandated
community service hours you owe.
- Yeah, but only a few.
Then I can get out there
and start looking for work,
So I can become
a contributing member
Of our great
capitalistic society.
- You think you're better
than everyone here, don't you?
- Oh, that's--
that's rhetorical, right?
I mean, you don't actually
want me to answer that, do you?
- Cute. See, I could smack you
across the face.
But I think it's better
I get out of your way.
Let life
bend you over instead.
- Dude thinks he's in
an episode of scared straight.
- [grunts]
- Ethel really
fucked up our kid credit.
- Yep.
- Now we can't even
get a foster kid?
Anybody can get a foster kid.
- I think it's a sign.
- Jerry sandusky could
probably get a foster kid.
- It's a sign we need to step it
up in the surrogate department.
- Look, we just did
the baster thing with your mom.
Let's just see
if it works.
- Mama always pukes the morning
after she gets knocked up.
As a kid, it was like watching
someone take ipecac.
You could set
your watch by it.
- My super "spermazoa"
too much for her?
- Spermatozoa.
I don't think it worked.
We need to try
something else.
- Frank?
God damn it, did you
sleep here last night?
- Guilty.
Stella here yet?
- Oh, come on.
I'm not helping you up.
Get up.
- As of right now,
you are officially on the wagon.
Dfs made a surprise appearance,
and the kids got pulled.
It's time for your
father-of-the-year act.
- Oh, my god.
Are they all right?
I'll tell you what.
Let's meet back at the house,
and we'll get this all settled.
- Looks heavy.
Why don't I carry this
back to the house for you?
- But I need it for some errands
I'm going to run a little--
- Back at the house now,
Or you'll lose your kids
and the welfare checks
That come with them.
- I go to the house,
the city finds ginger's body.
I'm toast.
- I found ginger,
and I tossed her bones.
You're safe.
- Oh. That's great.
- Not for you.
You don't do exactly as I say,
and I'll rat you out
About aunt ginger's checks
and your fake disability.
- You don't have the balls.
- Jesus christ!
I need you to do this!
Can you just do this?
- I'm sorry.
Did you just say you need me?
- Yes! I need you
to get your shit together
And get the kids back.
- Well, seeing as how
you need something from me,
Maybe I need something
from you.
For starters,
I would like to be shown
The respect which I deserve.
- I believe
I'm already doing that.
- And this one
is non-negotiable.
I want free roam
of my own house.
- Fine.
We're gonna go visit lip
and ian in the group home.
God knows what they've been
dealing with in that shithole.
And then we go
find your lawyer.
- He has a lawyer?
- Don't worry, liam.
As soon as I steal
enough stuff from these guys,
We're out of here.
[rock music playing in car]
- I spent some time here--
That summer mom was sent away
for knifing a poodle.
- Hey! I missed you guys.
- Oh, yeah!
- How you holding up?
- Aw, we're fine.
The place is a joke.
- They still serving
that rotten porridge?
- He already on the wagon?
- Oh, why do you
have to say that?
- As of right now.
You out on furlough?
- No, I've gotta work.
He's gotta finish parole hours.
- You guys want a lift?
- No, we gotta get our bus
passes signed by the driver.
You find debs and the boys?
- Not yet, but I will.
Do you need anything?
You need cash? Clothes?
- No, no. Look, don't
worry about us, we're fine.
Worry about him.
- Where's my hug?
- [laughs]
- I'll wash, you dry.
- [sneezes]
- Grab a cup of kool-aid
from the table.
- Hey, strawberry shortcake!
Get on in here
and cut my toenails!
- [groans]
Okay, um, take over.
Come on, come on.
- I mean, there's
just no privacy.
If I wanna jack-off,
I gotta do it in the bathroom.
- Can't even begin to imagine
what a pussy you'd be in juvie.
[laughs]
You fuck anyone
in there yet?
- God, no.
- Wise choice.
Even if you're propositioned,
it's probably just a setup.
Guys want to find out
if you're gay
And pound the shit out of you.
And not in a good way.
- Great.
- Hey, my dad took my brothers
on a run out of town
For a couple days,
so you wanna ditch that dump
And crash at my place,
you can.
- Was I just invited
to a sleepover?
- Fuck you,
is what you were invited to.
- [laughs]
- Fiona here?
She's not home.
- Are you okay?
Did you foster parents hurt you?
'cause I will--
- No. We ran away.
- Honey, you can't stay here.
The police will
come looking for you.
- We're with these
two gay robot guys,
And they keeping talking about
how they want to swipe liam.
- Honey, you gotta go back.
I know what it's like to have
a foster kid run away on me.
Come on, I'll take you.
- What if they really
want to keep liam?
- The only reason why
they would want to keep him
Is if they want him,
so be sure that they don't.
Be creative.
- Can you at least
hold some of my stuff?
- What stuff?
[clattering]
- Jesus, lou!
[laughs] when did that happen?
- It's not mine.
- Get to the point, frank.
- Who's this?
- My daughter
and her girlfriend.
- Who's in trouble?
- Dfs snatched my kids.
I need you to get them back.
- Catch?
- I have no money and no promise
of any coming my way
Anytime soon.
- Okay.
First order of business,
you need to get your ass to dfs.
You need to file a petition
to reinstate custody
And you're gonna need
to dig up
That useless wife
of yours, monica.
It's always better
to have signatures
From two shitty parents
instead of one.
- What if we can't find her?
- Well, find someone
that looks like her.
And you're gonna need her
to take parenting classes.
And I'm gonna go ahead
and get the case filed.
And then I'll see you
at the hearing.
In the meantime,
no drugs, no booze,
No poppy seed bagels.
I need your piss clean
and your eyes white.
- Thanks for the phone call.
- You know how hard it is
to find a public phone?
- Ian managed.
Then I had to track your ass
down through the city.
- Sorry, I've been busy.
- Molly's mom showed up
at my house.
- She's still alive?
- Turns out molly's a runner.
- What, you just
let her take her?
- Oh, I was supposed
to stop her?
- I don't know,
if she ran it was probably
For a good reason, no?
- Or not. I used to run away
all the time when I was little.
- My point exactly.
- My dad's out of town
for a few days,
And I told mickey
he could have the place.
Can I stay with you?
- I got to play it straight
in this group home for a bit.
Maybe I can sneak you in
tonight, though.
- Promise I won't
get gang raped?
- Nope.
- Whatever, I'm in.
- Why are you eating candy
before dinner?
- 'cause it says here that dark
chocolate has an amino acid
That doubles your sperm count.
- I didn't read that one,
but mama says
Asparagus and garlic
does the trick, so ta-da.
- If I eat all that, my piss
is gonna stink for a month.
- And mama's
bringing over oysters.
But we gotta think
of a better delivery system
Than the turkey baster.
- Squirt gun.
- Kind of messy.
- What about a straw?
Silly straw?
- Jacobs.
- Here.
- And weston.
Weston!
- Here.
- All right, good night,
you shits of chicago!
Pricks of illinois!
- Have fun.
- How did you get
the private room?
- I made some friends.
- Is this what
it's gonna be like
When you sneak me
into your dorm in college?
- A little different.
I'm guessing my dorm mates
will be literate.
- You are out of your mind.
Have you seen
that fucking ponytail?
It's a powerful ponytail, man.
That's bullshit.
Segal could totally
kick van damme's ass.
- Oh, unless--unless...
It's double impact van damme.
'cause that's some
van double damme!
[laughs]
- I wanna fuck van damme.
[movie music playing]
♪
Both: Are you out
of your fucking mind?
- Kev is just gonna lie down
with you for procreation,
Not sex.
- What is the difference?
- It's clinical.
So no one enjoys it.
Millions of sperm died
in that turkey baster.
This will deliver
the biggest batch.
The bigger the batch,
the better the chance.
- Uh-uh. No, honey.
This is an express bus
to the maury povich show.
[chuckles]
- I want nothing more than
to be able to give you the baby
That I know you want...
And the grandbaby
that you deserve.
But I can't.
And it kills me.
Please, just give it a go
while you're still ovulating.
- [groans]
What kind of hard liquor you got
and how much?
- [exhales]
- Damn, it's hot up here.
- That's because heat rises.
- Then how come space
is so cold?
[knock on door]
- [gasps]
- I got it.
- Who's at the door?
[door opens]
- Hey.
- Hey, uh...
- Who's at the door, baby?
[gasps]
No! Frank, no!
- Wait.
- You--first of all,
get out! Get out!
- Just hear me out.
- You are not allowed in here.
Get out!
- Dfs pinched my kids.
I need you to pretend to be
monica to help me get them back.
- What? No! No! Why should
I do anything for you?
You left hiram all alone.
- I am begging you.
As someone who knows what
it feels like to lose a kid.
Karen ran away.
Can you imagine what
it must feel like to have them
Taken from you?
- This isn't for frank, okay?
It's for debbie
and carl and liam.
- Maybe you should do it,
shelly-bear...For the kids.
- [sighs]
- [exhales]
[grunts]
give it up, kev.
You can't make it
dark enough to deny
What's about
to happen in here.
- I wish I was drunk
as you.
No, I can't risk
the whiskey-dick.
Okay, let's get this going.
- [laughs]
- Shh!
Knock it off, mama!
- Hey, wait, wait, wait.
What's with the kkk costume?
- I saw them use
something like this
At that super jewey wedding
I went to last year.
It keeps the skin from touching.
Acts as a barrier.
- I feel like
a ghost prostitute.
You know, like that
jennifer love hewitt show.
You seen that?
You know, where she's,
like, a call girl for ghosts
Or some shit.
- No, that--
it's two different shows.
- All right, you two ready?
- Yeah.
- No! Let me get
the hell out of here first.
I can't watch this part.
- You--you okay out there?
- Yeah, I'm fine. How are you?
- You need any help?
- No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Thank you for asking.
- Ooh. Why she didn't
cut me a mouth hole?
How am I supposed to--
whoa! Hello! Ooh!
Looks like I got
a visitor down there!
Ooh!
- God damn it.
- Whoops!
Ding dong ditch.
Somebody rang my bell
and ran away.
- I feel like
I'm fucking casper.
- Hey, you know,
it's getting seriously hard
To breathe under here.
Can I take this off my face?
- No! No!
[birds chirping]
- Can you dump frank at dfs?
I gotta drop some stuff off
for carl.
- Yeah, not a problem.
- Let's go, frank!
Showtime.
[rock music]
♪
- Been a while
since I've been in.
Maybe I need
a new picture.
- We had a bad
meth run last year
And you know what
that stuff can do to you.
They've got a website
and everything.
- Well, now that you've
filed your petition
To reinstate custody,
we'll need you to sign up
For parenting classes.
- Parenting classes?
- Good.
- Also there may be
some random drug tests
And we'll need to set up
a home visit prior
To the possible
release of the children.
So I will get
the class registration.
I'll be right back.
- Fucking big brother.
I don't want any goddamn
parenting classes.
- What are they?
- You sit in a room
and they lecture you
How to be ozzie and harriet.
- I was thinking
maybe I could figure out
Where I went wrong
with karen.
- Kids come pre-wired,
It has nothing to do
with your parenting.
- I pretty much like
being a blonde.
I feel like cotton candy.
[dog barking]
- Hi.
Uh, my name's fiona gallagher.
I'm here to visit debbie.
Is she here?
- Are you her mother?
- Sister.
I just want to say hi.
May I see her?
I just want
to talk to her!
Hey.
- Do all your talking
out here.
I'm gonna need her back
in 15 for chores.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Are there a million kids
in there?
- Just a few,
but they're really nice.
And kamala's not so bad.
Bed's pretty comfortable,
and there's hot water.
- [sighs]
I brought you some books
and clothes.
Do you need any money?
- Nope. I'm good.
[zipper opens]
When do you think
we can go back home?
- Soon.
Real soon.
I brought you some
hershey's kisses too.
These were like gold when
I was in my first foster home.
- Thanks.
[breezy pop music]
♪
- Hey, I got your brother's
working papers for today.
- Oh, great.
I'll give them to him. Thanks.
- Where is he?
- Uh, latrine.
He's been there
most of the night.
Turns out eating diarrhea
can actually give you diarrhea.
- Signed.
In and out.
And I better
see him at lights out.
- That's it, liam.
Big circles.
[urine tinkling]
[doorbell rings]
- Please, come in.
Carl! Liam!
You have a visitor!
- Hi, there. I'm lanier.
- Hey, fiona gallagher.
[baby babbling]
- fiona!
- Hey!
Look at you two!
Hey!
Wow, you look so clean.
- Yeah, they make us
take baths every night.
And they have this weird toilet
that cleans your bits.
- A bidet.
- [laughs]
sometimes in the summer,
We use a whacky lawn
sprinkler for that, but...
[laughs] we gotta watch
the spinning arms, right?
We gotta watch
those spinning arms.
- Please, come.
Have a seat.
It's nice to see that the boys
have someone who loves them.
We're glad you came.
But just to make it clear,
we have filed the paperwork
To adopt liam.
- And we're seriously
considering adopting carl too.
- But please know that we'd
love for you to stay in contact
And visit as often
as you'd like.
We think it's important
for the boys to know
Where they come from.
- Why is my seat wet?
Oh, no, liam. Did you
pee on the couch again?
Was that you?
And the wall too?
- Liam, that is a matte finish!
How the hell are we
gonna get that out?
- It's just paint, honey.
I can touch it up.
Now, which color is that now?
Summer shadow?
- He's just a baby.
He didn't mean it.
Babies are just so messy.
[baby babbling]
- did you do that?
Did you do that?
- A boat.
- All right,
I gotta get to work.
- All right, just--
in a minute, okay?
- Wanna do the honors?
Is that a rosary for giants?
- No.
- Huh?
- No.
No, man,
they're ben wa beads.
You shove them in my ass,
and you pull them out real slow.
- How is that fun for me?
- Come on.
All right, okay.
Just easy on the injured cheek.
- I'll just go on the other one,
all right?
- Yeah.
- Relax.
- [grunts]
[both grunting]
- Fuck.
- Shit.
- What the fuck?
[electronic music]
- Dad! Dad!
Hold on! Hold on!
- Mandy wasn't enough for you?
- Dad, hold on!
- Fucking piece of shit!
Piece of shit!
Huh? Huh?
- Get the fuck off him!
[both grunting]
- No son of mine is gonna be
a goddamn aids monkey!
Sit your ass down,
you fucking ass-digger!
- [groans]
[grunts]
[groaning]
- It's terry.
Send over the russian.
- Okay, role play.
All right, monica, frank.
Okay, monica, you play
the teenage daughter.
And, frank, you be the father
disciplining her
For staying out
after curfew.
- Um, where the hell
were you so late?
- I was fucking mom's boyfriend.
What do you care?
- You're nothing but
a little tramp, you know that?
Just like your mother.
- You know what?
If you weren't stealing
from her,
Maybe she wouldn't have to screw
every tom, dick, and harry--
- That bitch gave me herpes!
As far as I'm concerned,
I deserve every single dime.
- She did not have herpes.
- She fucking well did too.
How was that?
- That one.
She's gonna fuck the faggot
out of you, kid.
Ride him till
he likes it, suka.
And you're goddamn gonna watch.
- [grunts]
[rock music]
♪
[grunts]
♪
- [grunting]
♪
- How many more times
are we gonna have to do this?
- Until we complete the mission.
Now, come on, baby.
You're luke skywalker,
and it's up to you
To shoot one in
and destroy the death star!
- Okay. Where's the sheet?
- No. No, I couldn't
breathe last time.
- Well, we gotta put
a guantanamo hood on her
Or something.
- I don't know
why I can't drink.
- Okay, shut up!
It's hard for all of us.
So both of you, shut up!
Now everyone
get in your positions.
[snapping fingers]
- All right.
[sighs]
Oh, come on, man!
Don't do this,
you piece of shit!
You get hard when
you smell pork chops.
- Yelling at it
is not gonna help.
Come here.
- Oh, there we go.
- Ow!
- Come on, you piece of shit!
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
God, baby! You can't do that.
You're gonna
build up calluses
And I won't be able
to feel dick.
- Well, right now,
no one's feeling dick!
- You think this is easy?
- It's all my fault!
You can't make
the little soldier salute
If he doesn't see an officer
in the room.
[cries]
I've lost all my stripes.
- Mama, this is not
about you losing anything.
- [cries]
- It's really me.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
- No.
- It's all me, mama.
- I haven't had a date
in months!
I'm old and fat
and unattractive,
And I'm gonna die alone.
- Oh, mama.
- [cries]
- Well, this is not
helping me get hard.
- [cries]
- [sighs] it's like
when a plane goes down.
What do they call that?
- Shitty?
- No, it's never just
one thing that causes it.
It's a chain reaction.
Cascading failures.
That's what this feels like.
Losing my job,
losing the kids,
Dealing with frank.
[sighs]
- Someone recently told me
to stop whining
And feeling sorry for myself.
- [chuckles]
she sounds like a bitch.
- Well, she has her moments.
- Legally and morally there are
acceptable methods of punishment
For children,
versus unacceptable methods.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
Just hypothetically, if one's
teenage daughter gave birth
To a baby with downs syndrome
and then took off,
Relieving her
of all responsibility,
If and when
she should come back,
Would you recommend grounding?
Or in that instance, would
a firm spanking be more...
- You know, before
we take any more questions,
Let's just go over some
of the basic...
- Would you give me a valium?
- No, I only have one.
And it's my safety net in case
my hypnotherapy doesn't work.
- Hypnotherapy is just paying
to nap in someone's office.
Give me a pill.
- It's gonna show up
in your urine test.
- Give me the goddamn pill.
- What's the matter with you?
- What this does is it
puts the responsibility
Right on the child.
- Okay. Come on.
- Your job as parents
is to define the rules...
- Here. Christ.
- And then lay out
The consequences
that will follow
When those rules
are broken.
Now, the child breaking
the rules is then responsible
For his or her
own consequences.
And this method actually
leads to empowerment
And helps him or her feel more
in control of their own lives.
- How is she still ovulating?
What is she, part bovine?
- Shh. Focus on me.
- Mm.
- Yeah, now you're gonna pretend
like you're in high school,
And you're gonna come quickly
like a rabbit, okay?
- Ooh, yeah.
- No, not that quick.
Mama, get in here!
- Mm.
- [grunts]
No. Not there, honey, no.
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- You gotta shoehorn
or something?
- Can you not talk, please?
Just don't say a word.
- [cries]
- Are you crying?
Oh, god, she's crying.
Please don't cry.
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry, mama.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Okay! That's it!
We're gonna do this shit,
and we're gonna be done with it.
Kev, get that dick hard.
Mama, wipe your
tears and focus!
We need to give those little
spermies someplace happy
To swim to.
Lay down!
- [groans]
Mm.
- Mama, get on it.
- Mm.
Mm. Mm!
[muffled groaning]
- Aah!
- Mm.
Uh-huh.
- Ooh!
- Mm! Mm! Mm!
[all passionately moaning]
- Hi.
I'm monica.
What's your name?
Frank, wasn't the last time
I had to pee in a cup
When I was pregnant with liam?
Remember that?
It was just like yesterday, huh?
Oh.
- Uh, sorry, the shower
ran out of hot water.
- Mama, you want kevin
to take you home?
- Well, he can't drive
with that leg.
- No, but he can get
you home in a taxi.
It's the least
we can do.
- Well, let me get my bag.
[knock on door]
- Hey, carol.
- Hey, fiona.
- Any work at the salon?
- Uh, not right now, baby.
But I'll keep you in mind.
- Thanks.
[door closes]
What was she doing here
so early?
- She slept over
after she and kevin had sex.
- What?
- Mama's the best surrogate
we got.
Turkey baster didn't work,
So we had to do it
the old-fashioned way.
- Jesus, v, I'm so wrapped up
in my own pity party,
I had no idea what kind
of biblical shit
You had going on here.
You okay?
- If it works, I'll be fine.
How's frank doing in rehab?
- So far he seems
to be holding it together.
Heading over to dfs now
to make sure
He got all
the paperwork in.
What's with all the asparagus?
- You know how popeye
gets all big and strong
When he eats his spinach?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's what asparagus
does for sperm.
- Hmm.
- You again.
- Me again.
Just wanted to make sure
frank showed up
And all our paperwork
was good to go.
- He did. He passed his
urine test with flying colors.
And, yes, your paperwork
is all set.
- So now we just wait
for a hearing?
- Yeah.
You've done good, fiona.
You are a great sister.
And those kids
are lucky to have you.
- How did we show up
on dfs radar?
- It was an anonymous
phone call, actually.
- [chuckles]
I bet it was that bitch
We turned away from daycare
'cause her kid stunk.
- Um, no.
It was a man, actually.
- A man?
It's never a man.
Men don't give a shit.
How is it fair that someone
can make one call
And completely ruin our lives,
and they get to be anonymous?
- I have to go
to the restroom.
I'd appreciate it
if you didn't click on this file
While I'm gone.
- Yes, hello,
I would like to report
A negligent situation.
2119 north wallace.
Gallagher.
- And what's the situation?
- Six kids living
in squalor.
No parental supervision.
When the father is there,
he's drunk.
He hits them,
not that they don't deserve it.
They're all criminals,
delinquents, vile--
- Excuse me, sir.
- What?
- Could you give me
your name, please?
- No.
If it's all right,
I would like
to remain anonymous.
- Thank you for bringing
this to our attention.
- No. Thank you.
And god bless you.
[leave the light on by
hannah cartwright & ross tones]
- ♪ don't believe the lies
♪ your echoing heartbeat,
echoing heartbeat ♪
♪ keeps our time
♪ it's crashing lately
♪ your echoing heartbeat
♪ echoing heartbeat
♪ is all you leave behind
♪ all you leave behind
you were last week,
But here's what you
missed on shameless.
They're digging out
the sewer main in a few days
And shutting the water off.
- What about aunt ginger?
- Let me spell
this out for you.
The city digs up some bones,
the police show up.
You buried a body, and you stole
from the federal government.
You will never get
out of prison.
- "my dad is gay
for your brother" thing,
It's, like, on a film loop
in my brain.
- I'll be back for dinner.
Buck up, kiddo.
- No biggie,
just my universe falling apart.
- We are literally
digging up a body.
Walk away.
Yeah, why don't you go cry
to your gay dad about it?
- Hey, what did the doc
say this morning?
- I need to know the truth.
Can I have a damn baby or not?
- What about a surrogate?
- And you two take it from me
when it comes out?
- Yes, mama.
It will be our child.
It will be your grandchild.
- You know the guy
you beat the shit out of?
He wants me to sneak
into his mansion
And take all
of his crap.
- Don't know what you see
in that geriatric viagroid.
- He isn't afraid to kiss me.
- I can take care
of you at home.
- No, you can't.
- Get in the car.
Debbie, get in the car.
- I love you, debbie!
- Operator, can you connect me
with child welfare services?
I would like to report
a negligent situation.
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm britney sturgess
from child protective services.
[high strung's
the luck you got]
♪
- ♪ think of all the luck
you got ♪
♪ know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
♪
♪ round up the friends
you got ♪
♪ know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
[train horn blaring]
[dog barking]
- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Hey, what the hell's going on?
- Department of family services
is taking us away.
- They what?
Can they do that?
- It won't last, debs.
I promise.
What was it last time--
a week?
- Nine days.
- Aw, 20 bucks says
we're back in five.
- Can I get their placement
addresses from you now?
- Not until the intake
interviews with the children
Are complete.
- Who reported us?
[engine starting]
Come on! Who was it?
[sighs]
- Frank.
[footsteps approaching]
Frank. Frank.
Frank.
I'm off to my
hypnotherapy appointment.
I need you
to watch hiram.
- I'm kind of in the middle
of something here, sheils.
Where's jody?
- He's working
at the tattoo parlor.
- Marking idiots with ink so the
rest of us can recognize them.
- Frank, you have tattoos.
- Point well taken.
- So--and if you're
doing laundry,
Can you put some
of hymie's onesie's in?
Might as well.
You're both covered in pee-pee.
[hushed laughter]
[shushes]
- There you go, buddy.
I just want you
to know that
My dumping you
and leaving town...
Is in no way a reflection of
my feelings toward you, hiram.
I just gotta lay low
a little bit
In case they find ginger's body
in my backyard.
- [exhales]
[sighs]
[plates clattering]
Oh, shit!
I got a shift
in ten minutes.
- Yeah, go to your shift.
I'll take care of this.
- I wasn't sure
I'd see you again.
- Yeah.
I wasn't either.
- I'm gonna see if I can get
one of the evil cock gobblers
To cover my shift
so I can get over to the dfs
And start tracking down
the kids.
- You guys okay?
- Oh, yeah.
Ain't our first time
at the rodeo.
'cause liam's still cute
and little...
- [babbling]
- He'll go to some loving home
with people
Who really want a family,
but waited so long
Their egg batter rotted so they
can't have one of their own.
- And debbie and carl will be
placed together because...
- Because the state always tries
to keep siblings together.
- And lip and I can handle
whatever foster nut jobs
We end up with.
- Remember that last guy
with the, uh...
Was it the fucking
bathroom peephole?
- Oh, yeah.
- Well, this time's gonna
be a little different.
I've placed liam
and carl together,
But debbie, unfortunately,
has to be placed separately.
- All by myself?
- And, philip and ian,
you're too old to be placed,
So you're going
to a group home.
- Like a whore's period--
late again, bitch.
- You're wasting
your talents, patty.
You should be tweeting
this crap.
[knocks on door]
- You're late.
- I know. I'm sorry.
Look, I kind of have
a family emergency
And was wondering if I could
skip my shift today?
- Would you look at this?
It's filthy.
My back is filthy,
'cause you haven't washed it.
So why should I wash yours?
- Look, I just need
a couple hours
To get to the department
of family services.
They yanked my brothers
and sister from our house
This morning, and I just gotta
find out where they are
And make sure they're safe
And not with any psychos
or anything, please.
- Sorry, but if you can't get
anyone to cover your shift...
- You know as well as I do
none of these bitches
Are gonna cover for me.
I still have
that video of you,
And I have no problem
sending it to your wife.
- Yeah, and I have no problem
going to dfs to tell them
You steal from the register
and show up high every day.
- Your word against mine.
- Actually, the girls
will back me up.
And I'm gonna
want you to quit
So I don't have to
pay you unemployment.
- Fuck you, bobby.
- Tell you what, you, uh,
tickle the balls a little bit,
And maybe I'll write you
a letter of recommendation.
- It really puts the "home"
in "group home."
[baby babbling]
[dog barking in distance]
- It's only gonna
be a couple days, okay?
Every gallagher
can handle that, right?
- I'll take care of liam.
- Yes, you will.
- Hey, debs.
- See you soon, all right?
- Hey.
- Good day, gentlemen.
My name is d'andre,
and this is gunderson house,
A level 14 boys' group home
housing underage d&ds
In the chicago system.
- Is that
"dungeons and dragons"?
- "delinquents and deviants."
follow me.
This will be your primary
residence until we figure out
Which one you are.
Your wallets and cell phones
will be in my care
Until you've proven to me
that you can follow the rules.
- So it's like prison?
- It's up to you.
You will be given an opportunity
to earn back your money
And your cell phone privileges.
- Gee, thanks.
- You would do well
to shut your mouth
And keep your eyes open
in here.
- [clears throat]
- The county database says that
you're available for placement,
But I'm concerned there are
too many children in your care.
I'm sure there's
some kind of limit.
[kids talking indistinctly]
- These ain't cats, honey.
They're kids.
They need someone
to take care of them.
That's why the good lord
put me here.
So I can take in all his babies
don't nobody else want.
[laughs]
Come here, sweetheart.
Come on,
I'm not gonna bite you.
[laughs]
You're a blessing.
Mama kamala
is truly blessed to have you.
Yep.
- It's only for a few days.
I'll be okay.
- Um, this is my number.
If you have any questions
Or, you know, if you just
want to talk about anything,
You can call me anytime, okay?
- Okeydokey.
Bye-bye, now.
Rule number one--
No sitting
on the good furniture.
- This is the good furniture?
- Rule number two--
no sassing. You hear me?
Let me look inside that bag.
Give me that bag.
Make sure you ain't got nothing
in there to get you in trouble.
Why are you standing there
eyeballing me?
Get busy minding them kids.
- Hi.
I'm debbie.
- Laronda.
You ain't getting
your bags back.
- I know.
And what's your name?
- We want to be completely
honest with you, carl.
We have been looking
to adopt a bi-racial baby
For quite some time.
And when they called about liam,
we were over the moon.
And then the state
told us about you.
And we want to try
to keep you two together.
So let's give
this foursome a try.
- Which one are you again?
- I'm cassius,
and this is lanier.
- So you guys are gay?
- Yep.
- Yes.
- Does, like, shit ever get
stuck on the tip of your dick?
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
- Uh...
- Gallagher?
- I was hoping to see marilyn.
She's been our caseworker
the last couple years.
- Well, the turnover rate
in our field is quite high.
It's really a wonder marilyn
lasted as long as she did.
So how can I help you?
- You can give me the addresses
where the kids were placed.
- I already told you,
I can't give out any information
About the case until
the intakes are complete.
- Come on. Marilyn always
used to give me the info,
Just so I can know
they're okay
And can get them stuff,
like books or clothes
Or whatever.
- Well, that is a clear
violation of policy
On marilyn's part.
- Hey. I know
you think you're helping,
But as someone
who has been in and out
Of the system
their whole life,
I can tell you
it's a nightmare.
These kids have a big sister
who loves them,
And I just want
to make sure they're okay.
So give me something, britney.
I mean,
break a goddamn rule.
- I can tell you
that I placed two together
In one foster home
and the girl in another.
And the two older boys
are in a group home.
- The one on hester?
- No. They're in
a level 14 on richmond.
- Thanks.
Hey, if I can find one family
willing to take in all the kids,
Could they be placed together?
- In theory, yes.
- Stella been in yet?
- What's with the bag?
- Uh, going fishing
for a couple of days.
I heard stella's
pulling a long haul
Up to northern canada.
Hoping to hitch a ride.
- Fishing? You gonna use
your tiny dick as a worm?
- I've caught some big whales
with this little worm,
Yourself included there, moby.
Hello, stella.
How are you, sunshine?
- What the hell do you want?
- Oh, you know, same as you--
Free pussy
and a life on the road.
Could I hitch a ride?
- Where you headed?
- Anywhere but here.
- Kill somebody?
- No, no, no.
But I did bury her.
- Could always
use some company.
I'll meet you here
tomorrow morning
Before I pick up my load.
- A couple of boilermakers
to take the edge off
The long haul, huh?
- I don't drink
before I drive.
I end up ramming
smart cars in the ass
Just for shits and giggles.
[laughter]
[camera buzzing]
[beep]
- V?
- Upstairs!
Making a video
for one of those
Do-it-yourself
websites online.
Pays 150 bucks.
This one's on a high colonic.
Next week I bleach my exit ramp.
- Dfs took the kids
this morning.
- Oh, shit.
- You think you and kevin could
talk to your foster caseworker
About taking them in?
- Five gallaghers in my house?
- Just for a couple days--
A week, maximum.
Lip and ian got placed
in a level 14 group home.
- Level 14?
- For kids that light
their parents on fire
Or stab them in the face while
they're napping on the couch.
- Well, you're over 21 now.
Can't they just
release them to you?
- I'd have to file
for guardianship.
- [groans]
five gallaghers.
I'm gonna be the lone black dot
on a map of ireland.
[hip-hop music playing]
♪
- You been
in a group home before?
It's always like this?
- No, last place I was in
was an actual home.
This is more like
a fucking labor camp.
Yo, give me your cash.
- What?
- Give me your cash.
Now. Come on.
- Hey, salvador,
check it out.
It's that chick
from the movie brave.
- He your boyfriend?
- No. Brother.
I'm lip.
This is ian.
We don't want any trouble,
all right?
We're just passing through.
- Long as you show respect,
you're gonna be fine.
- You're like
a fucking cockroach--
Able to live anywhere
and feed off anything.
- Lemonade, man.
- [exhales]
[cries]
[grunts]
[sighs]
[door opens]
Jimmy?
- Darker.
- Hey. Talk to your caseworker?
- Unfortunately, yeah.
Two reasons why we can't
take in your brood.
- One--the fact
that you had a foster child
In your home that ran away
under your "supervision."
Two--technically, the
investigation's still pending
As to the quality
of your care.
- The quality of my care?
You're saying her running away
is my fault?
- Oh, you know what?
Do not get all up in my grill,
sister girl, okay?
- Well, it was worth a shot.
- Now what?
- Gotta kick it
into high gear,
Figure out where
the kids are staying,
Get the house ready
for home inspection.
They're gonna require a fit
parent to get the kids back,
So I'm hoping
to find monica
So I don't have to deal
with frank.
Why does it always
come down to frank?
- [sighs]
- Carl, it's dinnertime.
Carl?
Where is that boy?
- Oh, I'm gonna
pound your fucking hole.
Yeah. Oh, that fucker's
going up your ass.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Why don't you
get those pants off
So I can eat
your fucking hole?
- Why do they
all have moustaches?
- Out. Now.
That was an invasion of our
privacy, and we won't have it.
You are not to touch things
that don't belong to you.
Now sit down.
- Am I allowed
to touch the chair?
- Don't be smart.
- What the hell is this?
- Kale, brown rice, and tofu.
Your body is a temple, carl,
And you only want to put
things in it that are natural.
- Like fists?
I saw it in that movie.
- [sighs]
- [clears throat]
[christian tv's
1, 2, 3 turnaround]
- ♪ do, do, do, do, do, do
♪ do, do, do,
do, do, do ♪
♪ do, do, do
♪ I race my feet,
I miss a beat ♪
♪ throw my seat
♪ don't care,
get off my back ♪
♪ I make a sound,
I wash it down ♪
♪ around so round
♪ get off,
don't touch my stack ♪
♪ come step outside
to shoot me high ♪
♪ 'cause I'm about to crack
♪ 1, 2, 3, turn around,
don't you watch me now ♪
♪ just turn around
♪ touch your knees,
don't look, just turn around ♪
♪ do it now,
do it now ♪
♪ walk right
through that door ♪
[bottles clinking]
- Holes in your backyard
have been filled.
[bottle opening]
- Hey, grandma, it's fiona...
Gallagher.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's been a while.
Yeah, I was just wondering
if you, by any chance...
Maybe know where
my mom might be?
Your daughter.
Monica.
Yep.
Yeah, I figured.
But I just thought I'd try.
Okay. Thanks.
[sighs]
- Now what?
- With no monica,
I kind of have no choice.
I gotta find frank,
Get him sober and ready
to appear in court.
- [chuckles]
- He's like
my sad-ass obi-wan kenobi.
- I can help you with that.
- That's a pretty nice offer,
Considering how much of a dick
I was to you about your dad.
- No, you're always a dick.
- Seriously, I don't mean
to be an asshole.
It's just...Genetic.
- Yeah. You're not wrong.
I need to suck it up
about my dad being gay...
And a liar.
And I need to get over it.
And I am.
I'm good.
Silver lining?
Huh?
Finally have the house
to ourselves.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just not feeling it.
You mind if we just lay here?
- Yeah.
Yeah, sounds nice.
- What is this stuff?
- It's pus from
your mother's monkey.
Thought you liked
the taste of that.
- What is your problem, dude?
- Nick, salvador,
find another table.
Proof of your employment
came through,
So you go
to work today.
I need your employer
to sign this, times in and out.
Understand?
- You know, I'm actually
pretty excited to get out there.
Start looking for work.
- Nice try.
You have court-mandated
community service hours you owe.
- Yeah, but only a few.
Then I can get out there
and start looking for work,
So I can become
a contributing member
Of our great
capitalistic society.
- You think you're better
than everyone here, don't you?
- Oh, that's--
that's rhetorical, right?
I mean, you don't actually
want me to answer that, do you?
- Cute. See, I could smack you
across the face.
But I think it's better
I get out of your way.
Let life
bend you over instead.
- Dude thinks he's in
an episode of scared straight.
- [grunts]
- Ethel really
fucked up our kid credit.
- Yep.
- Now we can't even
get a foster kid?
Anybody can get a foster kid.
- I think it's a sign.
- Jerry sandusky could
probably get a foster kid.
- It's a sign we need to step it
up in the surrogate department.
- Look, we just did
the baster thing with your mom.
Let's just see
if it works.
- Mama always pukes the morning
after she gets knocked up.
As a kid, it was like watching
someone take ipecac.
You could set
your watch by it.
- My super "spermazoa"
too much for her?
- Spermatozoa.
I don't think it worked.
We need to try
something else.
- Frank?
God damn it, did you
sleep here last night?
- Guilty.
Stella here yet?
- Oh, come on.
I'm not helping you up.
Get up.
- As of right now,
you are officially on the wagon.
Dfs made a surprise appearance,
and the kids got pulled.
It's time for your
father-of-the-year act.
- Oh, my god.
Are they all right?
I'll tell you what.
Let's meet back at the house,
and we'll get this all settled.
- Looks heavy.
Why don't I carry this
back to the house for you?
- But I need it for some errands
I'm going to run a little--
- Back at the house now,
Or you'll lose your kids
and the welfare checks
That come with them.
- I go to the house,
the city finds ginger's body.
I'm toast.
- I found ginger,
and I tossed her bones.
You're safe.
- Oh. That's great.
- Not for you.
You don't do exactly as I say,
and I'll rat you out
About aunt ginger's checks
and your fake disability.
- You don't have the balls.
- Jesus christ!
I need you to do this!
Can you just do this?
- I'm sorry.
Did you just say you need me?
- Yes! I need you
to get your shit together
And get the kids back.
- Well, seeing as how
you need something from me,
Maybe I need something
from you.
For starters,
I would like to be shown
The respect which I deserve.
- I believe
I'm already doing that.
- And this one
is non-negotiable.
I want free roam
of my own house.
- Fine.
We're gonna go visit lip
and ian in the group home.
God knows what they've been
dealing with in that shithole.
And then we go
find your lawyer.
- He has a lawyer?
- Don't worry, liam.
As soon as I steal
enough stuff from these guys,
We're out of here.
[rock music playing in car]
- I spent some time here--
That summer mom was sent away
for knifing a poodle.
- Hey! I missed you guys.
- Oh, yeah!
- How you holding up?
- Aw, we're fine.
The place is a joke.
- They still serving
that rotten porridge?
- He already on the wagon?
- Oh, why do you
have to say that?
- As of right now.
You out on furlough?
- No, I've gotta work.
He's gotta finish parole hours.
- You guys want a lift?
- No, we gotta get our bus
passes signed by the driver.
You find debs and the boys?
- Not yet, but I will.
Do you need anything?
You need cash? Clothes?
- No, no. Look, don't
worry about us, we're fine.
Worry about him.
- Where's my hug?
- [laughs]
- I'll wash, you dry.
- [sneezes]
- Grab a cup of kool-aid
from the table.
- Hey, strawberry shortcake!
Get on in here
and cut my toenails!
- [groans]
Okay, um, take over.
Come on, come on.
- I mean, there's
just no privacy.
If I wanna jack-off,
I gotta do it in the bathroom.
- Can't even begin to imagine
what a pussy you'd be in juvie.
[laughs]
You fuck anyone
in there yet?
- God, no.
- Wise choice.
Even if you're propositioned,
it's probably just a setup.
Guys want to find out
if you're gay
And pound the shit out of you.
And not in a good way.
- Great.
- Hey, my dad took my brothers
on a run out of town
For a couple days,
so you wanna ditch that dump
And crash at my place,
you can.
- Was I just invited
to a sleepover?
- Fuck you,
is what you were invited to.
- [laughs]
- Fiona here?
She's not home.
- Are you okay?
Did you foster parents hurt you?
'cause I will--
- No. We ran away.
- Honey, you can't stay here.
The police will
come looking for you.
- We're with these
two gay robot guys,
And they keeping talking about
how they want to swipe liam.
- Honey, you gotta go back.
I know what it's like to have
a foster kid run away on me.
Come on, I'll take you.
- What if they really
want to keep liam?
- The only reason why
they would want to keep him
Is if they want him,
so be sure that they don't.
Be creative.
- Can you at least
hold some of my stuff?
- What stuff?
[clattering]
- Jesus, lou!
[laughs] when did that happen?
- It's not mine.
- Get to the point, frank.
- Who's this?
- My daughter
and her girlfriend.
- Who's in trouble?
- Dfs snatched my kids.
I need you to get them back.
- Catch?
- I have no money and no promise
of any coming my way
Anytime soon.
- Okay.
First order of business,
you need to get your ass to dfs.
You need to file a petition
to reinstate custody
And you're gonna need
to dig up
That useless wife
of yours, monica.
It's always better
to have signatures
From two shitty parents
instead of one.
- What if we can't find her?
- Well, find someone
that looks like her.
And you're gonna need her
to take parenting classes.
And I'm gonna go ahead
and get the case filed.
And then I'll see you
at the hearing.
In the meantime,
no drugs, no booze,
No poppy seed bagels.
I need your piss clean
and your eyes white.
- Thanks for the phone call.
- You know how hard it is
to find a public phone?
- Ian managed.
Then I had to track your ass
down through the city.
- Sorry, I've been busy.
- Molly's mom showed up
at my house.
- She's still alive?
- Turns out molly's a runner.
- What, you just
let her take her?
- Oh, I was supposed
to stop her?
- I don't know,
if she ran it was probably
For a good reason, no?
- Or not. I used to run away
all the time when I was little.
- My point exactly.
- My dad's out of town
for a few days,
And I told mickey
he could have the place.
Can I stay with you?
- I got to play it straight
in this group home for a bit.
Maybe I can sneak you in
tonight, though.
- Promise I won't
get gang raped?
- Nope.
- Whatever, I'm in.
- Why are you eating candy
before dinner?
- 'cause it says here that dark
chocolate has an amino acid
That doubles your sperm count.
- I didn't read that one,
but mama says
Asparagus and garlic
does the trick, so ta-da.
- If I eat all that, my piss
is gonna stink for a month.
- And mama's
bringing over oysters.
But we gotta think
of a better delivery system
Than the turkey baster.
- Squirt gun.
- Kind of messy.
- What about a straw?
Silly straw?
- Jacobs.
- Here.
- And weston.
Weston!
- Here.
- All right, good night,
you shits of chicago!
Pricks of illinois!
- Have fun.
- How did you get
the private room?
- I made some friends.
- Is this what
it's gonna be like
When you sneak me
into your dorm in college?
- A little different.
I'm guessing my dorm mates
will be literate.
- You are out of your mind.
Have you seen
that fucking ponytail?
It's a powerful ponytail, man.
That's bullshit.
Segal could totally
kick van damme's ass.
- Oh, unless--unless...
It's double impact van damme.
'cause that's some
van double damme!
[laughs]
- I wanna fuck van damme.
[movie music playing]
♪
Both: Are you out
of your fucking mind?
- Kev is just gonna lie down
with you for procreation,
Not sex.
- What is the difference?
- It's clinical.
So no one enjoys it.
Millions of sperm died
in that turkey baster.
This will deliver
the biggest batch.
The bigger the batch,
the better the chance.
- Uh-uh. No, honey.
This is an express bus
to the maury povich show.
[chuckles]
- I want nothing more than
to be able to give you the baby
That I know you want...
And the grandbaby
that you deserve.
But I can't.
And it kills me.
Please, just give it a go
while you're still ovulating.
- [groans]
What kind of hard liquor you got
and how much?
- [exhales]
- Damn, it's hot up here.
- That's because heat rises.
- Then how come space
is so cold?
[knock on door]
- [gasps]
- I got it.
- Who's at the door?
[door opens]
- Hey.
- Hey, uh...
- Who's at the door, baby?
[gasps]
No! Frank, no!
- Wait.
- You--first of all,
get out! Get out!
- Just hear me out.
- You are not allowed in here.
Get out!
- Dfs pinched my kids.
I need you to pretend to be
monica to help me get them back.
- What? No! No! Why should
I do anything for you?
You left hiram all alone.
- I am begging you.
As someone who knows what
it feels like to lose a kid.
Karen ran away.
Can you imagine what
it must feel like to have them
Taken from you?
- This isn't for frank, okay?
It's for debbie
and carl and liam.
- Maybe you should do it,
shelly-bear...For the kids.
- [sighs]
- [exhales]
[grunts]
give it up, kev.
You can't make it
dark enough to deny
What's about
to happen in here.
- I wish I was drunk
as you.
No, I can't risk
the whiskey-dick.
Okay, let's get this going.
- [laughs]
- Shh!
Knock it off, mama!
- Hey, wait, wait, wait.
What's with the kkk costume?
- I saw them use
something like this
At that super jewey wedding
I went to last year.
It keeps the skin from touching.
Acts as a barrier.
- I feel like
a ghost prostitute.
You know, like that
jennifer love hewitt show.
You seen that?
You know, where she's,
like, a call girl for ghosts
Or some shit.
- No, that--
it's two different shows.
- All right, you two ready?
- Yeah.
- No! Let me get
the hell out of here first.
I can't watch this part.
- You--you okay out there?
- Yeah, I'm fine. How are you?
- You need any help?
- No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Thank you for asking.
- Ooh. Why she didn't
cut me a mouth hole?
How am I supposed to--
whoa! Hello! Ooh!
Looks like I got
a visitor down there!
Ooh!
- God damn it.
- Whoops!
Ding dong ditch.
Somebody rang my bell
and ran away.
- I feel like
I'm fucking casper.
- Hey, you know,
it's getting seriously hard
To breathe under here.
Can I take this off my face?
- No! No!
[birds chirping]
- Can you dump frank at dfs?
I gotta drop some stuff off
for carl.
- Yeah, not a problem.
- Let's go, frank!
Showtime.
[rock music]
♪
- Been a while
since I've been in.
Maybe I need
a new picture.
- We had a bad
meth run last year
And you know what
that stuff can do to you.
They've got a website
and everything.
- Well, now that you've
filed your petition
To reinstate custody,
we'll need you to sign up
For parenting classes.
- Parenting classes?
- Good.
- Also there may be
some random drug tests
And we'll need to set up
a home visit prior
To the possible
release of the children.
So I will get
the class registration.
I'll be right back.
- Fucking big brother.
I don't want any goddamn
parenting classes.
- What are they?
- You sit in a room
and they lecture you
How to be ozzie and harriet.
- I was thinking
maybe I could figure out
Where I went wrong
with karen.
- Kids come pre-wired,
It has nothing to do
with your parenting.
- I pretty much like
being a blonde.
I feel like cotton candy.
[dog barking]
- Hi.
Uh, my name's fiona gallagher.
I'm here to visit debbie.
Is she here?
- Are you her mother?
- Sister.
I just want to say hi.
May I see her?
I just want
to talk to her!
Hey.
- Do all your talking
out here.
I'm gonna need her back
in 15 for chores.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Are there a million kids
in there?
- Just a few,
but they're really nice.
And kamala's not so bad.
Bed's pretty comfortable,
and there's hot water.
- [sighs]
I brought you some books
and clothes.
Do you need any money?
- Nope. I'm good.
[zipper opens]
When do you think
we can go back home?
- Soon.
Real soon.
I brought you some
hershey's kisses too.
These were like gold when
I was in my first foster home.
- Thanks.
[breezy pop music]
♪
- Hey, I got your brother's
working papers for today.
- Oh, great.
I'll give them to him. Thanks.
- Where is he?
- Uh, latrine.
He's been there
most of the night.
Turns out eating diarrhea
can actually give you diarrhea.
- Signed.
In and out.
And I better
see him at lights out.
- That's it, liam.
Big circles.
[urine tinkling]
[doorbell rings]
- Please, come in.
Carl! Liam!
You have a visitor!
- Hi, there. I'm lanier.
- Hey, fiona gallagher.
[baby babbling]
- fiona!
- Hey!
Look at you two!
Hey!
Wow, you look so clean.
- Yeah, they make us
take baths every night.
And they have this weird toilet
that cleans your bits.
- A bidet.
- [laughs]
sometimes in the summer,
We use a whacky lawn
sprinkler for that, but...
[laughs] we gotta watch
the spinning arms, right?
We gotta watch
those spinning arms.
- Please, come.
Have a seat.
It's nice to see that the boys
have someone who loves them.
We're glad you came.
But just to make it clear,
we have filed the paperwork
To adopt liam.
- And we're seriously
considering adopting carl too.
- But please know that we'd
love for you to stay in contact
And visit as often
as you'd like.
We think it's important
for the boys to know
Where they come from.
- Why is my seat wet?
Oh, no, liam. Did you
pee on the couch again?
Was that you?
And the wall too?
- Liam, that is a matte finish!
How the hell are we
gonna get that out?
- It's just paint, honey.
I can touch it up.
Now, which color is that now?
Summer shadow?
- He's just a baby.
He didn't mean it.
Babies are just so messy.
[baby babbling]
- did you do that?
Did you do that?
- A boat.
- All right,
I gotta get to work.
- All right, just--
in a minute, okay?
- Wanna do the honors?
Is that a rosary for giants?
- No.
- Huh?
- No.
No, man,
they're ben wa beads.
You shove them in my ass,
and you pull them out real slow.
- How is that fun for me?
- Come on.
All right, okay.
Just easy on the injured cheek.
- I'll just go on the other one,
all right?
- Yeah.
- Relax.
- [grunts]
[both grunting]
- Fuck.
- Shit.
- What the fuck?
[electronic music]
- Dad! Dad!
Hold on! Hold on!
- Mandy wasn't enough for you?
- Dad, hold on!
- Fucking piece of shit!
Piece of shit!
Huh? Huh?
- Get the fuck off him!
[both grunting]
- No son of mine is gonna be
a goddamn aids monkey!
Sit your ass down,
you fucking ass-digger!
- [groans]
[grunts]
[groaning]
- It's terry.
Send over the russian.
- Okay, role play.
All right, monica, frank.
Okay, monica, you play
the teenage daughter.
And, frank, you be the father
disciplining her
For staying out
after curfew.
- Um, where the hell
were you so late?
- I was fucking mom's boyfriend.
What do you care?
- You're nothing but
a little tramp, you know that?
Just like your mother.
- You know what?
If you weren't stealing
from her,
Maybe she wouldn't have to screw
every tom, dick, and harry--
- That bitch gave me herpes!
As far as I'm concerned,
I deserve every single dime.
- She did not have herpes.
- She fucking well did too.
How was that?
- That one.
She's gonna fuck the faggot
out of you, kid.
Ride him till
he likes it, suka.
And you're goddamn gonna watch.
- [grunts]
[rock music]
♪
[grunts]
♪
- [grunting]
♪
- How many more times
are we gonna have to do this?
- Until we complete the mission.
Now, come on, baby.
You're luke skywalker,
and it's up to you
To shoot one in
and destroy the death star!
- Okay. Where's the sheet?
- No. No, I couldn't
breathe last time.
- Well, we gotta put
a guantanamo hood on her
Or something.
- I don't know
why I can't drink.
- Okay, shut up!
It's hard for all of us.
So both of you, shut up!
Now everyone
get in your positions.
[snapping fingers]
- All right.
[sighs]
Oh, come on, man!
Don't do this,
you piece of shit!
You get hard when
you smell pork chops.
- Yelling at it
is not gonna help.
Come here.
- Oh, there we go.
- Ow!
- Come on, you piece of shit!
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
God, baby! You can't do that.
You're gonna
build up calluses
And I won't be able
to feel dick.
- Well, right now,
no one's feeling dick!
- You think this is easy?
- It's all my fault!
You can't make
the little soldier salute
If he doesn't see an officer
in the room.
[cries]
I've lost all my stripes.
- Mama, this is not
about you losing anything.
- [cries]
- It's really me.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
- No.
- It's all me, mama.
- I haven't had a date
in months!
I'm old and fat
and unattractive,
And I'm gonna die alone.
- Oh, mama.
- [cries]
- Well, this is not
helping me get hard.
- [cries]
- [sighs] it's like
when a plane goes down.
What do they call that?
- Shitty?
- No, it's never just
one thing that causes it.
It's a chain reaction.
Cascading failures.
That's what this feels like.
Losing my job,
losing the kids,
Dealing with frank.
[sighs]
- Someone recently told me
to stop whining
And feeling sorry for myself.
- [chuckles]
she sounds like a bitch.
- Well, she has her moments.
- Legally and morally there are
acceptable methods of punishment
For children,
versus unacceptable methods.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
Just hypothetically, if one's
teenage daughter gave birth
To a baby with downs syndrome
and then took off,
Relieving her
of all responsibility,
If and when
she should come back,
Would you recommend grounding?
Or in that instance, would
a firm spanking be more...
- You know, before
we take any more questions,
Let's just go over some
of the basic...
- Would you give me a valium?
- No, I only have one.
And it's my safety net in case
my hypnotherapy doesn't work.
- Hypnotherapy is just paying
to nap in someone's office.
Give me a pill.
- It's gonna show up
in your urine test.
- Give me the goddamn pill.
- What's the matter with you?
- What this does is it
puts the responsibility
Right on the child.
- Okay. Come on.
- Your job as parents
is to define the rules...
- Here. Christ.
- And then lay out
The consequences
that will follow
When those rules
are broken.
Now, the child breaking
the rules is then responsible
For his or her
own consequences.
And this method actually
leads to empowerment
And helps him or her feel more
in control of their own lives.
- How is she still ovulating?
What is she, part bovine?
- Shh. Focus on me.
- Mm.
- Yeah, now you're gonna pretend
like you're in high school,
And you're gonna come quickly
like a rabbit, okay?
- Ooh, yeah.
- No, not that quick.
Mama, get in here!
- Mm.
- [grunts]
No. Not there, honey, no.
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- You gotta shoehorn
or something?
- Can you not talk, please?
Just don't say a word.
- [cries]
- Are you crying?
Oh, god, she's crying.
Please don't cry.
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry, mama.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Okay! That's it!
We're gonna do this shit,
and we're gonna be done with it.
Kev, get that dick hard.
Mama, wipe your
tears and focus!
We need to give those little
spermies someplace happy
To swim to.
Lay down!
- [groans]
Mm.
- Mama, get on it.
- Mm.
Mm. Mm!
[muffled groaning]
- Aah!
- Mm.
Uh-huh.
- Ooh!
- Mm! Mm! Mm!
[all passionately moaning]
- Hi.
I'm monica.
What's your name?
Frank, wasn't the last time
I had to pee in a cup
When I was pregnant with liam?
Remember that?
It was just like yesterday, huh?
Oh.
- Uh, sorry, the shower
ran out of hot water.
- Mama, you want kevin
to take you home?
- Well, he can't drive
with that leg.
- No, but he can get
you home in a taxi.
It's the least
we can do.
- Well, let me get my bag.
[knock on door]
- Hey, carol.
- Hey, fiona.
- Any work at the salon?
- Uh, not right now, baby.
But I'll keep you in mind.
- Thanks.
[door closes]
What was she doing here
so early?
- She slept over
after she and kevin had sex.
- What?
- Mama's the best surrogate
we got.
Turkey baster didn't work,
So we had to do it
the old-fashioned way.
- Jesus, v, I'm so wrapped up
in my own pity party,
I had no idea what kind
of biblical shit
You had going on here.
You okay?
- If it works, I'll be fine.
How's frank doing in rehab?
- So far he seems
to be holding it together.
Heading over to dfs now
to make sure
He got all
the paperwork in.
What's with all the asparagus?
- You know how popeye
gets all big and strong
When he eats his spinach?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's what asparagus
does for sperm.
- Hmm.
- You again.
- Me again.
Just wanted to make sure
frank showed up
And all our paperwork
was good to go.
- He did. He passed his
urine test with flying colors.
And, yes, your paperwork
is all set.
- So now we just wait
for a hearing?
- Yeah.
You've done good, fiona.
You are a great sister.
And those kids
are lucky to have you.
- How did we show up
on dfs radar?
- It was an anonymous
phone call, actually.
- [chuckles]
I bet it was that bitch
We turned away from daycare
'cause her kid stunk.
- Um, no.
It was a man, actually.
- A man?
It's never a man.
Men don't give a shit.
How is it fair that someone
can make one call
And completely ruin our lives,
and they get to be anonymous?
- I have to go
to the restroom.
I'd appreciate it
if you didn't click on this file
While I'm gone.
- Yes, hello,
I would like to report
A negligent situation.
2119 north wallace.
Gallagher.
- And what's the situation?
- Six kids living
in squalor.
No parental supervision.
When the father is there,
he's drunk.
He hits them,
not that they don't deserve it.
They're all criminals,
delinquents, vile--
- Excuse me, sir.
- What?
- Could you give me
your name, please?
- No.
If it's all right,
I would like
to remain anonymous.
- Thank you for bringing
this to our attention.
- No. Thank you.
And god bless you.
[leave the light on by
hannah cartwright & ross tones]
- ♪ don't believe the lies
♪ your echoing heartbeat,
echoing heartbeat ♪
♪ keeps our time
♪ it's crashing lately
♪ your echoing heartbeat
♪ echoing heartbeat
♪ is all you leave behind
♪ all you leave behind