Shameless (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Sins of My Caretaker - full transcript
Child Protective Services pays a visit. Jimmy faces his first true family crisis and, when Fiona fails to provide the support he needs, he turns to Este (STEPHANIE FANTAUZZI).
- For those of you who were
too lazy to tune in last week,
This is what you missed
on shameless...
Thanks, tim.
Stay down.
- [gasps]
how long was that?
- Not long enough.
City pools are filled
with city kids.
You need
at least 90 seconds.
Cancer's opening up
a whole wonderful world for you.
I was able
to pull some strings
And get you
these special cancer pills.
- Will they cure my cancer?
- Depends on your attitude.
- I just got
my one-year chip
From sex addicts
anonymous.
- I'll go slow.
- Not gonna happen.
- Jody only wants to cuddle
and do it like missionaries.
It's boring.
- If I kick it up a notch,
there's no stopping me.
It's an addiction.
- I think everyone at work,
other than me,
Is blowing the manager.
Princess, I got it.
Go take your break.
- It's a not a break, break.
It's a "bobby" break.
- They're all gonna realize
I'm not carrying
My share of the load,
literally.
- Gotta save your sperm
for baby-making.
- This was
a baby-making session?
- Hoping so.
[beep]
- daddy, it's molly.
Mommy died.
Please come.
- Who the fuck's molly?
- She's my half-sister.
- That's just
my girl penis.
- Looks exactly
like a boy penis.
- Am I coming home
with you?
- You don't need
to be playing house
With mandy milkovich.
Doing shit like this
signals something
To a girl like mandy.
Sure you know what kind
of signals you're sending?
- Hey, fiona, ian,
you met my father.
- [grunts]
- who the fuck are you?
- It's jimmy's dad.
- Were you trying
to screw lip?
- Ian.
- I would like to report
a negligent situation.
Six kids
living in squalor.
No parental supervision.
They're all criminals.
- That is an all-time low.
[high strung's
the luck you got]
♪
- ♪ think of all the luck
you got ♪
♪ know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
♪
♪ round up the friends
you got ♪
♪ know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
[el camino's
lawd have mercy]
[can rattling]
- [chuckles]
Fuck you, gallagher.
- [moaning]
Ahh.
[sighs]
Dude, little man
in the canoe.
- I'm sorry,
but my game is off.
- How does a tongue
forget how to lick?
- It's the whole
"my dad is gay
for your brother" thing.
It's like on a film loop
in my brain.
Ian's cock,
my dad's mouth--
In, out, in, out.
- It's just sex.
He's still the same person.
- But is he?
Because I'm rethinking
everything
I even thought about him.
Like in high school
when my friends came over,
Was he checking out
their asses?
Or that guy,
uncle rick--
His racquetball partner
with the feathered hair?
- Uh-huh.
- Do not leave.
- Too hot
in here anyway.
Sheets are sticking
to my back.
And I gotta go to work.
Be happy you have
a real dad,
Not some thieving
alcoholic deadbeat
Who's puking
into the silverware drawer.
[knock at door]
- I--[exhales]
Doin' some work on
the sewer main in a couple days,
Just wanted to warn ya.
- Warn us what?
- The water's gonna
be shut off for the day.
- Oh, thanks.
[chains rattling]
- Honey?
What is that for?
- Sex swing.
Trying to see if it can bear
both of us at once.
If not, I can get us
a four-post freestander.
- Oh, god.
- What--
is this--
Aren't we--?
- It's fine.
It's just
with all the, um,
Shipments and everything.
And just--
it's totally fine.
It's just--
[stammering]
I'm just not used to being,
um, submissive.
- You can be the dom
tomorrow.
- Okay.
Oh, that's fine.
It's good for us to grow...
As people.
[toilet flushing]
- Shower's free.
Who's next?
- [growls]
- Hey!
- She's not even
related to us.
- Go pee downstairs.
Go.
- [urinating]
- How long do you plan
on keeping molly around?
- Till we find someone
to take him in.
- Are you looking?
- Yeah.
- Good. Might as well
tell him he's a he,
While you're at it.
- Mm, what--
what time is it?
- Sex o'clock.
- Hey!
- Quick,
before carl gets back.
- Yeah, no, I can't--
- I'm sleeping.
- I got to, uh--I gotta
help carl set up for day care.
- I thought
that was debbie's job.
- Yeah, no, it is.
She's just going
to the pool today,
So I promised I'd supervise.
- Still sleeping.
- [sniffs]
- What are your plans
for the day?
- Actually me and kev
are taking
The ice cream truck
to indiana,
Going on a fireworks run.
- Can we come?
- Uh, no, we won't all fit
on the way back.
You know, stash is probably
gonna take up,
Like, half the truck, so--
- Can you do it tomorrow?
I really want us
to take molly to the beach
Before the weekend
meatheads descend.
- Jesus.
Other people exist,
maybe?
- [sniffs]
No, I gotta get down there
Before the roman candles
sell out.
Hey, did you find any, uh,
molly relatives?
- Tracked down a second cousin
in the navy on facebook.
- Did you post
on his wall?
- Status says
he's on sea duty.
I'll do it
when he gets back.
- I mean, um,
when's that?
- Didn't say.
- Okay.
Look, cage the ferret,
okay?
Day care parents
don't appreciate morning muff.
- [chuckles]
here you go. Good doggy.
- [exhales]
100!
100 seconds!
Jimmy, I can't do breakfast,
set up for day care,
And practice holding my breath
all at the same time.
- Oh, it's still broken.
- It's a finger,
not your neck.
Carl, can you set up
for day care?
I need to get to the pool
at exactly 9:00 a.M.
It's opening day.
- I'm feeding liam.
- I can help.
- Thanks, molly.
Okay, wipe down the exersaucers
and teething toys,
Then check the nap-pads
for head-lice and boogers.
That's a really pretty dress.
- It hides my girl penis.
Mom said it's impolite
to show off my bulge.
- More coffee?
Lip, ian,
come down here a sec!
Okay, listen up, gallaghers
and milkoviches.
They're digging up
the sewer main in a few days
And shutting the water off,
So we need to do laundry
and dishes beforehand.
- What about toilets?
- I guess we just
won't flush that day.
- Well,
we could fill up buckets.
- Gross.
- He crippled
or something?
Just so helpful.
Must be nice
having a spouse.
- Wait, they're digging up
the lawn?
- Yeah.
- What about aunt ginger?
[knock at door]
incoming.
[rock music]
- Okay.
- Mwah.
- I'll be back for dinner.
Buck up, kiddo.
- No biggie,
just my universe falling apart.
- Hey, there, fella.
[sniffs]
Ooh.
Let's go take the browns
to the super bowl, huh?
- Jesus!
- Guess who came by today.
The city.
They're digging up the yard
to work on the sewer line.
You need to find aunt ginger
before they do.
- Who?
- The dead relative
whose social security checks
You've been cashing.
You buried her.
You unbury her.
- Hand.
- Come on, debs.
- Bye, frank.
[brendan benson's
the light of day]
♪
- ♪ I don't care
♪ if I ever see
the light of day ♪
♪
- You're not trying
to look at my dick, are you?
- No, no, I'm not.
I'm not even
thinking about your dick...
In my dad's mouth.
I'm not.
- Good, then don't.
- Yep. Not.
- Ian's dick
was in your dad's mouth?
- It's a figure of speech.
It's like saying,
"none of your business.
Your dick's
in my dad's mouth, man."
- Who says that?
- Gay dudes.
- Is ian gay?
- No, no.
It was euphemistic.
- Is that what gay people
like to do?
- Jesus. Forget it.
I'm--okay.
- Oh, uh, jamie.
You any good
with power tools?
Huh?
Hey, lip,
I need your help.
- Oh, busy.
- Too busy
to help your old man?
- Yes, forever.
- Hey, ian?
- He's getting ready
for work.
Nice paint job.
- You got your shoes on?
- Yeah. Why?
- We're going over
to sheila's.
Gonna grab some of dead eddie's
heavy-duty machines.
That fella
loved lawn equipment.
- But I'm sick.
- You don't
look sick to me.
- Cancer?
- Oh, the clinic called.
The pills worked.
No more cancer.
Congrats.
- I'm not dying?
- No!
- Can we have a party?
- You bet.
Just as soon as we dig up
this old, dead crack whore.
Come on, let's go.
- ♪ I feel your love
in the atmosphere ♪
♪ it's so hot now
♪ it's so hot now
♪ I feel your love
in the atmosphere ♪
♪ so hot now
[indistinct distant chatter]
- Are you a lesbo?
- Um, no.
Although I know
many people
Who have had relations
with same-sex individuals.
I believe all people
should have the right
To love
whomever they choose.
And even though
civil unions
Are legal in illinois,
it isn't enough.
Change is possible.
It starts with us and--
- Stop staring at us,
freak bag.
- And grow some tits.
- ♪ so hot now
♪ I feel your love
in the atmosphere ♪
♪ it's so hot now
♪ it's so hot now
♪ I feel your love
in the atmosphere ♪
[pounding upstairs]
- [chuckles]
you hear that?
They're going for
the brass ring up there.
I did that,
showed them the way--
Like a headlamp
in a coal mine.
You see, frank gallagher
knows people.
I-I just intuit.
I was, uh--I was
a psychology major
For a semester.
- Dad?
- Yeah?
- What's this?
- Uh, that's a pacifier
for your anus.
[knock at door]
- [panting]
They're early, frank!
- Hello.
- Can you be on baby duty?
- Looks like a priest
with a 'nam vet.
- Hello?
- It's f-father pete.
He's with a hospice patient,
a nun.
They're out of room
at st. Steven's.
- [laughs]
[baby crying]
- Here.
- Oh, hymie.
Hey.
- Hey, nice to see you again,
father pete.
- And you too, jody.
- Hi, I'm jody.
- [sighs]
I'm sorry about the mess.
We've just been
a little preoccupied.
- Not at all.
Careful, careful.
She's not long for this world,
I'm afraid.
- Oh.
- She's taken a vow of silence,
So you don't have to worry
about her
Keeping you up all night
with her praying.
- Oh.
- This is her
pain medication.
- Great, yeah.
- And--and--
Oh, and make sure
her ipad is always charged.
She can play angry birds
till the cows come home.
- Oh, well--
That's just a, um,
harness for patients.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh, shed key?
- On the fridge,
top of the fridge.
Why are you orange?
Frank?
[baby crying]
[door opens]
- I don't know
what it is, red,
But, uh, I feel less alone
in the world
Knowing I can
drive across town
And find you here,
bent over cans of chicken stock.
[sighs]
look. I-I'm sorry.
Truly. I just--
[sighs]
Can you forgive a man
who's falling apart?
A little?
- Yeah.
[door opens]
- Can I kiss you?
- No.
- Just a little.
So listen.
Um, I need somebody
to rob my house,
And I'm hoping
you could help.
- You want me
to rob your house?
- Candace changed the locks
on the house--
My goddamn house--
And she won't let me
back in,
So I need someone
to steal my stuff.
If I do it, the neighbors
might recognize me.
You go in during
daylight hours
And you look like movers.
You'll be fine.
Look, she stays up
till 3:00 a.M.
Drinking stoli vanilla
and watching bowflex ads.
She'll be unconscious
until well past noon.
Okay, this could be
very lucrative for you.
You can take anything
you want.
Come on,
it's all insured.
All I want
are my two armani suits,
My lucien freud,
and my bottle
Of 1990 chateau latour
pauillac.
What do you say?
Will you do it?
- Frank?
- Yes, son?
- Why would a dude
put his penis
In another dude's mouth?
- Well, sometimes men discover
things about themselves,
Like they prefer
male genitalia
To female genitalia.
- Wait.
So some guys
like to lick wieners?
- Well, I'm sure
at first they're attracted
To each other's build.
And once a connection
gets made,
Then the wieners
get licked.
It's a scorcher today,
ain't it?
- Hey, debs,
how was the pool?
- Great.
Where are the swim diapers?
- Thanks.
Uh, aisle nine.
Aah!
Did you put tacks
in my drawer?
- My baby sister
should've got your job.
It took me four months
to teach her
How to swallow without gagging,
and for what?
Yeah, it's not her fault
she got a lazy eye.
She was raised right.
She don't think
she's better than nobody.
- I'm sorry
about your sister,
But I got
five kids to feed.
- Fiona?
- Oh, you know,
just employee shenanigans.
You got coupons for this?
- I've got an 11:00
ovarian cyst, an 11:30 u.T.I.,
And a preteen
pregnancy in the lobby,
So can you tell me
why you're here
When I just saw you
two weeks ago?
- We've been bangin'
like bunnies
And I can't get pregnant.
I need another exam.
- It won't change anything.
- But you said last time
I had a chance
Of getting pregnant.
- I believe I said
you had very little chance.
I also used the words,
"highly unlikely"
And "wildly improbable."
- You got my baby girl's
hopes up for nothing.
- I chose to mitigate
a difficult discussion
With upbeat
and positive phrasings.
- I need to know the truth.
Can I have a damn baby
or not?
- Put is this way,
you have a 99.999 chance
Of not getting pregnant,
nothing is impossible.
- So does, like, one penis
go into the other penis?
- Of course.
When gay dudes get horny,
Their pee holes open.
[jackhammering]
- Hey.
Swim diapers.
- Thank god.
I've already had
to fish out two poops.
Ew.
[jackhammering]
[electric buzzing]
[sparks]
- Daddy!
- Hey. Whoa.
You stink like bleach.
- Yeah, I was
at the pool today.
I stayed under
for 112 seconds.
- Hey, good for you!
- Yeah.
- Show those syphilis-ridden
turbo sluts a thing or two.
They think
they own the water
Just 'cause
they piss in it.
[clank]
- we hit something.
- What's that smell?
- Ew.
- Whew.
- The sewer line?
- Oh, man.
You probably should
patch that up
With some duct tape
and a t-shirt.
Aah, god. Bleh.
[rock music]
♪
- You sure we're digging
in the right spot?
- Ew!
- [coughs]
- Aah!
♪
- Man, I can't believe
your wife
Actually came to your house.
- I thought v was gonna
rip her throat out.
Yo, so what's up
with you and mandy?
You guys seem tight.
- I guess.
She's gotten hella clingy.
- You rescued
her cross-dressing sibling.
You swashbuckled
that shit, man.
Seals the deal for a chick.
I'm serious.
Girls take that hero crap
straight to the bank.
She cook for you now?
Fold your clothes?
- Sometimes.
- She stay over
more than four nights a week?
Help you out
with random stuff?
Huh?
[laughs]
Dude,
you are ghetto married.
Enjoy it.
You get all the perks,
No paperwork.
Guys would kill
for that setup.
- I kinda hate it.
- What's wrong with you, man?
I think karen
messed you up bad.
- Gun it.
♪
- Ah, good work.
[knock at door]
[baby crying]
- Get your act together,
lady.
- [sighs]
I got day-old chuck,
two-day-old sirloin,
Couple of
partially soft bagels,
And, like, two gallons
of nearly expired mayo.
Oh, and a sheet cake.
- Joanie was late
picking up her kid again,
And guess what the excuse was.
- Flat tire?
- Flat tire.
- It's not the homo thing
that gets me,
'cause gays hit on me
all the time
And it doesn't bother me.
- Of course they do.
You wear designer jeans
And coconut hair product.
You're like gay flypaper.
"haddy birthday juby?"
- Bakery guy is dyslexic.
Where's frank?
- Haven't seen him.
- Well, he's gotta
fill in that hole
Where ginger was,
it reeks out there.
- He forgot
where he buried her.
- You're kidding.
- We couldn't find her.
- And carl busted
the sewer line.
- Wait.
You picking up guitar?
- Bitches at work
giving me shit.
Thumb tacks
in my change drawer.
You believe that?
- Holy shit.
- Yep. Yeah, we did good.
Boomtown was good to us.
- Yeah.
- Blowing up
the hancock building?
- No, we don't have
any more room in the truck.
Can we store some here?
- Are you nuts?
Look at that kid's face.
- I promise I'll put it
in a no-carl zone.
- As if that exists.
- Don't touch it.
- Go wash your face, pyro.
Mandy, make yourself useful.
Set the table.
- You want pop, beer,
or ice water?
- Uh, water's good.
Thanks.
- Put these
on lip's bed.
- She's out in a week, okay?
- Which one?
- [sighs]
- What's with jimmy?
That shit with his dad?
- He's pretty broken up
about it.
- No one's dead, wounded,
or incarcerated.
- What do you expect?
Rich kid from the north side.
- It's his first
big family crisis.
He's taking it
pretty hard.
Left side of your mouth.
Other left.
- Dude's got daddy issues.
No wonder you dig him.
- I can hear you.
- Hey, lip, go reorganize
the truck.
Put the weed in the fridge,
poppers in the freezer.
Put the smokes on top
and the bangers
Underneath the seats.
- Yep.
- I'll help.
- Cake for dinner?
- I gotta
get to the alibi.
Hey, what did the doc
say this morning?
- Never had a chance to go.
- Okay. I love you.
Mwah.
[door shuts]
- Hey.
What about a surrogate?
- You offering?
- Hell no.
Bet you could find someone good
on craigslist.
- Bitch gets paid,
I.V.F. Docs gets paid,
Medical bills,
maternity clothes,
Lawyer fee, contract fees.
Low end? 40 grand.
Need a truckload
of slave-play
To raise that kinda scratch.
- What'll you do?
- Something.
- Sister, I so admire
the vow you've taken.
It takes such strength
To resist the lure
of temptation,
Verbally or otherwise.
[clatter upstairs]
oh!
Oh, sister, I'm--
I'm so sorry.
Jody and I are just
experimenting
With new liberties.
[drill whirring]
As you know, our bodies
are god's temple,
And it's as if we're adding on
a little wing or two.
So there's no way
in the world
You would ever talk?
[drilling]
[sighs]
oh, sister.
Jody is pushing me
to new levels.
It's completely my fault.
He warned me not to go
Through this gateway
with him,
But I wouldn't listen.
And now I can't
find my way back.
[crying]
I've never had so many things
Inserted into so many
parts of my body at once!
Have I encouraged him
to overstep his boundaries?
Or am I helping him
to create
New and--and healthy ones?
Because I admit,
Inflicting sexual pain
Gives me great pleasure.
- You ready, mama?
Batteries are charged!
- Oh, sister,
I feel so much better.
Thank you for letting me
get that off my chest.
Oh, you're a good one.
- Gloves?
- Got some cuts
on my hands at work.
I think it's dry.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh, my god.
I just realized.
That huge fight
that dad had with mr. Ward,
My gay seventh grade
science teacher--
I thought it was because
of the crappy grade
I got on
my bread mold project,
But they kept on
excusing themselves
To discuss it in private.
I am such an idiot.
And that wedding
that we went to in hawaii
When I was in high school--
me, mom, and chip
Went to bed early,
and dad stayed up dancing
All night
with the best man.
I guess what
really gets me
Is that he couldn't
tell me the truth.
I mean, did he think
I wouldn't accept him
Or that
I'd think less of him?
Why didn't he trust me?
Am I the only one
who didn't know?
Does my brother know?
Oh, I bet you
my brother knows.
[take me out to the coast
by waters]
♪
- ♪ and I was wrong
♪ to believe in myself
♪ I can't belong
to a scene ♪
♪ and no one else
- Wait, so there's
butthole involved?
- Sometimes, not always.
Hey. Ian and I are gonna
go get high
And watch family guy.
You wanna come?
- Uh, no, I've been
driving all day.
I'm exhausted.
- Doing a night load.
Any takers?
- Here you go.
- Lip, nothing?
- Did ours
this afternoon.
- Maybe next time
you wanna throw in
Debbie or carl or liam's
with yours.
- Sure, no problem.
Hey, if you
change your mind,
Come down, okay?
- Mm.
- I need to know
where the gay wieners go.
- [sighs]
You know how you plunge
a toilet when it's backed up?
- Yeah.
- Think of it as
one dude
Plunging another dude's
toilet.
♪
- ♪ take us out
to the coast ♪
♪ and we'll find
our way, oh ♪
- Could always adopt.
- I don't want
someone else's kid.
I want a little punk
with your pretty eyes
And your crooked smile.
- I don't know, v,
at some point
We might have to accept
that it's not meant to be.
- Not meant to be?
Was I meant to get
an s.T.D. At 17
From some lame-ass rapper
That would
trash my tubes?
Was I meant to google him
all afternoon
To find out
he has eight kids?
Was I meant to friend him
on facebook
To write on his wall
some psychotic rant
About how
he ruined my life?
- Baby, it's okay.
- No, it's not.
Fuck his weak-ass rhymes,
Fuck that
tree frog-lookin' doctor,
And fuck all the fuckin' money
I spent on condoms
For the last 20 years.
And fuck you for acting like
you don't wanna
Fight harder for this.
- Whoa.
You know I do,
more than anything.
- Then let's fight.
[laughs]
- Enough with the kicking!
Christ!
- Where is she?
- I can't--
I give up.
I need sleep.
- Let me spell this out
for you.
The city digs up
some bones.
The police show up.
They figure out
it's aunt ginger.
They date the bones.
They realize she's been dead
for 14 years,
And yet,
her social security checks
Are being cashed
every month.
This isn't a dui, frank.
You buried a body
and you stole
From the federal government.
You will never
get out of prison.
Think about it.
- Fuck.
[gunshots]
- Hey.
You know the guy
You beat the shit out of
at that club?
He wants me to sneak
into his mansion,
Take all of his crap.
- Really?
Hilarious.
[gunshot]
- He can't get it himself.
Divorce.
Says I can take
whatever I want.
He's loaded.
You want in?
[gunshots]
Jesus!
Use blanks, maybe?
Fuck.
- Can I bring my cousins?
- Yeah.
- All right.
I'm in.
[gunshot]
I don't know what you see
In that geriatric
viagroid.
- He buys me stuff,
orders me room service.
[gunshots]
He isn't afraid
to kiss me.
[ice cream truck chimes]
- Yeah, we're low on joints.
- I got extra weed
in the fridge,
But it needs rolling.
- You guys look like
you could use some help.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- No, we're good, thanks.
- Can you roll us
some spliffs?
- Sure.
We need papers.
- Right there.
- You guys
are really killing it.
- Whoa, you are a giant.
- Ask me if I play basketball
and I'll punch your nuts.
- What do you want?
- Two fountains,
a pack of sparklers,
Three joints,
and a bomb pop.
- Hey, you got any
community service hours left?
- Why?
- Molly could help, he offered.
- No. You know what?
I'm covered.
Actually we're good here too.
You can go home.
- You know what?
Have her stick around.
I gotta hit the alibi
in ten minutes away.
- I can handle it.
- I'm good to stay.
- No, please just
go home, mandy--
To your own fucking house,
for once.
- That was harsh.
[toilet flushes]
- [exhales]
- Really, ladies?
Really funny.
[knocking]
[phone line trilling]
Hi, this is fiona.
I'm working register two.
I'm locked in the bathroom.
I did try the knob.
Fine.
I'll try again.
- On what planet
is it cool for you
To take a smoke break
in the employee bathroom?
- I don't even
smoke parliaments.
[rock music]
- ♪ I remember
♪ how I played
the fool for you ♪
♪ now I'm just a fool
♪ until you do this
every time ♪
♪ that I wake
♪ is a number that sings
♪
- Holy crap,
congrats on your puberty.
- Yeah, your tits
look great.
- Thanks.
You know, they always say
it happens overnight.
- Go for a swim.
Try out your new bod.
- Okay.
♪
- It's my fourth.
- I don't care if it's
your 44th.
We don't do buybacks.
- I'm broke.
- Hey, news flash, princess.
So is 150%
of the patronage here.
- Oh, there she is.
Welcome back.
How was your vacay?
- Oh, I went surfing,
got hit by a jet ski,
Saw a dolphin masturbate.
- Yeah?
Well, my finger's broken,
my parents are divorced,
And my dad's a fairy, so--
- a fairy?
Hello, 1983.
Did you get
my co2 tanks?
- Yeah. Hey, can you
make it quick?
I gotta get out of here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
Hey.
You know, not for nothin',
but, uh,
No one likes to hear
a grown man whine.
It's like the verbal equivalent
of a dude wearing uggs.
- Yeah, well, I appreciate
the sympathy, thanks.
- Get over it.
Fiona doesn't
have room for it.
She's busting her ass
just to keep food on the table.
- Good denizens
of cook county,
I have a proposition.
[all murmuring]
Do you remember--
Do you remember
the holdup
Of that jewelry store
on south ashland in '92?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Bastards cleaned out
these poor spics
Of every piece of crap
that they had.
That was my mother.
She did the heist.
And I think she buried the crap
in my backyard.
- How do you know that?
- Well, she stashed it
somewhere
And then
she forgot where.
So the other day
I was planting some basil.
I've recently gotten
back into gardening.
And I found this.
- Shit, is that gold?
- Could be.
Pretty dirty,
gotta get it appraised.
The point being,
this is only the tip
Of the golden iceberg.
Now I can't dig it
all up by myself.
So I will give
a sizeable cut
To anyone who helps me
unearth it.
So who's with me?
[sparse chuckles]
- Fuck it. Why not?
- I'm in.
- There you go.
Bravo, soldiers.
Onward, onward.
Let's go.
- Let's do it.
- That's the spirit.
This is what
made america great.
- Ew, period! Period!
[laughter]
- Hey. What'd I miss
at the pool?
- [cooing]
- Should we--
- let's just make sure
We explored
all other options.
- Okay.
What about that maid
you used to work with?
- Chantrelle?
Too crazy.
- How about macie
down at the old folks home?
- Too medicated.
- Fiona?
- Too white.
- Really?
Is that a concern of yours?
- I want it to have
my genetic material,
Or at least
look like it does.
- What about
your cousin sharonda?
- I called her this morning.
She fell off the wagon,
was fried by noon.
- Well, what about
your other cousin?
You know, the, uh,
pretty one?
- Oh, the pretty one?
- No, 'cause I want our kid
to look pretty like you.
I mean--
- she's 13.
- Wow.
She seems older.
[broom sweeping]
- [grunts]
- Aah.
[grunts]
Mother of christ,
it stinks.
There's so much shit
in the yard.
- Shut up
and keep digging.
The one arm wonder's
making more progress than you.
- This is as far
as you got?
- Don't judge!
- Frank, do you know
for certain
There's jewelry
buried out here?
- Uh, you know what?
Try along
that fence there.
I saw her rootin' around
in there like a badger.
- Wowee.
Is it desert storm night
at the cheesecake factory?
- Why are you
acting like a dick to mandy?
- I think that
qualifies as
None of your fuckin'
business.
- Well, she called me
from her aunt's house,
Said you told her
to go home.
- Is molly leaving too?
- What? No, debs.
Look, man.
She is always on me
about, you know,
Our plans for the night
and when
We're going to see
her friend's band
And what we're doing
next week.
- So she likes
hanging out with you.
That's not a crime.
- I like molly.
- She's not my wife.
- No, she's a good person
who does nice things for you.
- What are you,
her fuckin' lawyer?
- No, I'm her best friend.
All right, and you're acting
like a douche bag.
You want out? End it.
You don't?
Stop treating her
like garbage.
But just 'cause karen
wiped her ass with you
Doesn't give you the right
to shit on mandy.
[door opens]
- Guys, bad news.
We all gotta dig tonight.
The city's coming and frank
can't find aunt ginger.
- So?
- So someone's going to jail
if we don't find her.
- Yeah, frank, you mean.
- There's a body.
We know about it.
We're accomplices.
- Once again saddled
with a mess we didn't create.
- Sooner we get out there
and dig,
The sooner it'll all
be over.
- I still got blisters
on my hand from yesterday.
- I can dig.
I have pretty developed
upper arms for a chick.
- I need to borrow
your turkey baster.
- I don't want molly
to leave!
- What's with her?
- She got her period
at the pool today.
- I can't wait
to get my period.
Mom said it's the body's
tribute to female sacrifice.
- You're not a girl,
honey.
You're a boy
who was raised
By a jacked-up meth head
of a mom
Who made you think
you were a girl
Because she hates men.
- I'm not a girl?
- Lip.
- [crying]
[knock at door]
- debbie?
- [sobs]
it wasn't real.
It was ketchup.
They did it
in front of everyone!
- Who?
- The girls at the pool.
- Debs.
- [crying]
They're pretty
and boys notice them.
- Well, they won't
be pretty for long.
They're gonna make
all the bad decisions
And you're gonna get to learn
from their mistakes.
- Why do they
have to be so mean?
- Some girls
are just jerks.
Like that chick
at the store yesterday.
Did I deserve that?
No.
But did I take her shit?
No way.
'cause I'm better
than that and so are you.
Nobody fucks
with the gallaghers.
- [crying]
- Debbie?
- Go away.
- Open the door.
- [deep breath]
[crying]
- Come on.
- [sobs]
- We gotta dig.
[rock music]
♪
- [gasps]
Oh! Oh!
I thought you took
a vow of silence.
The silence doesn't include
the internet?
♪
You have been blogging
about me every day?
- [grunts]
- I think I'm gonna puke.
- Muscle through it.
We gotta find her.
Where'd carl go?
- Huh?
- Ninja!
- Carl! No!
- No!
[explosion]
- aah!
- Oh, my god.
- Shit, carl!
[car alarm blaring]
That actually kinda worked.
- You get those
from the fireworks stash?
- Yeah.
- Go get some more.
- Ian?
- Reeks out here.
Hey, listen.
Oh, man.
About all the stuff,
just with my dad, I--
- Oh, my god, why are we
still talking about this?
I mean, really?
Christ.
- Okay, so, like,
whenever you need me,
I'm, like, there for you,
but the one time I need you,
You're like, "screw off"?
- Carl thinks
he's a cancer survivor.
Molly thinks she's a girl
with a penis.
Debbie's getting terrorized
at the public pool.
This yard smells like
a sewer.
I got three drunk assholes
Operating power tools
behind me.
And the bitches at work
Locked me
in a bathroom today.
Oh!
And we might all be on the verge
of going to prison.
So you wanna talk?
Fine.
Grab a shovel.
Talk your face off
about how your dad
Gave a blowjob
to a teenager,
But dig while you do it.
- You know what?
I'm really tired
of playing this
"my tragedy is bigger
than your tragedy" game.
My entire world
got rocked,
And it's, like,
not even on your radar.
We're in a relationship!
What's important to me
should be important to you.
- Look at us.
We are literally
digging up a body.
How do you even
compare our situations?
[chuckles]
oh, that's great.
Walk away.
That's a real pussy move.
Yeah, why don't you go cry
to your gay dad about it?
- So I'll just
be carrying it
And you two take it from me
when it comes out?
- Yes, mama.
- 'cause lord knows
I am too old to be
raising an infant.
- It will be our child.
It will be your grandchild.
- Aw, you were
such a sweet baby.
But lord,
were you a terrible eater.
[chuckles]
It'd get all up in your hair
and in your nose--
- Everything okay?
- Yeah, just a second.
Oh, this comes
the tricky part.
[slapping]
[groans]
- Not much in there.
We could've used
an eyedropper.
Jeez, kevin.
- [exhales]
- okay.
- [deep breaths]
Bottoms up.
- Ooh.
Warmer than I expected.
Ooh.
[laughs]
- Okay, bedtime, gang.
We'll start again
in the morning.
- Fuck.
[lighter clicks]
Don't worry
about your dweeb.
He's just off
licking his wounds.
He'll be back.
- We gallaghers sure know
how to pick 'em, huh?
See you in the morning.
[dialing]
- Hey, karen.
It's lip.
Um, just wanted
to give you an update--
Wherever the fuck you are.
Um, your kid,
he's doing great.
Um, your mom
and ex-husband, they're--
They're also doing great.
My dad,
who you fucked,
He's doing great.
And, um--
I'm doing really,
really great--
Just in case
you were wondering.
You selfish, ignorant,
heinous piece of dog shit.
Thank you for leaving
and never coming back.
You--we all owe you
a huge fucking favor!
You rock.
Hi.
Go inside?
Bring that with you.
Come on.
[sighs]
- [sighs]
[chuckles]
Hey, it's me.
Uh, just wondering
where you are.
Call, text, whatevs.
Bye.
[sighs]
- I mean, no wonder
she flipped out.
I mean, she's got
so much on her plate.
She needs me there for her.
I--you know, I gotta
work on my stuff too.
- Si. So hard for you.
Poor stevie.
You ready to go again?
- Yeah.
- [giggles]
[both moaning]
- Fuck.
[metal clanking]
- I'm a dick!
Mandy?
I'm a dick.
Can you come down?
Hey.
- I'm not a tool.
- Yeah, I know.
- So you don't get
to treat me like one.
- I know.
Come down.
Please?
[rock music]
♪
[fireworks squealing]
- Hey. Whoa.
Guys, guys.
No fucking guns,
all right?
It's just a drunk old lady
in there.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Fuck.
- [coughs]
Where's debbie?
- She's at the pool.
- We gotta keep digging.
- [cooing]
[rock music]
♪
[clock chiming]
♪
- [grunts]
- Oh, come on.
[clock chimes]
- Oh, fuck.
- Jesus christ.
- Hey!
Fuckers!
- Oh, fuck.
- Aah!
- Fuck.
- Go!
- Fuckers!
[gunshot]
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Fucking--
[gunshot]
- No fucking way!
- Fuck!
Fucking ned!
Are you fucking him too?
- Aah!
Fucking drive.
- You got shot,
mickey!
- Yes, I fucking know
I got shot.
[tires screeching]
[gunshot]
- [grunts]
♪
- Remember,
do not sit on cushions,
Carpets, anything foam,
or porous.
Say their names slowly
and calmly.
If you feel something
crawling on you
Don't scream, just shake
the body part lightly.
Okay?
Let's do this.
[tires screeching]
- Come on.
- Holy shit.
Holy shit.
- Fuck.
- [groans]
- Fuck.
[tires screeching]
- I'm just gonna
take another minute.
- Take your time.
- You kidding me?
- Stay there.
- Aah!
- Oh, jesus.
- Just one fucking
old lady, huh?
Aah! Ow! Ow.
[children crying]
- Well, if it isn't
the toughest badass
Fag-beater this side
of the chicago river.
- Fuck off.
- [grunts]
♪
- I'll show you some tits.
[deep breath]
♪
[chuckles]
- [screams, grunts]
♪
[knock at door]
- Fiona's fits better,
doesn't it?
- Sure.
♪
[children crying]
- [screaming]
- Oh, my.
- You're almost done,
mickey.
- Aah!
- [grunts]
Ha!
[giggles]
[squeals]
- [screaming, groaning]
- Ian, what the fuck?
- I can explain this.
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm britney sturges
from child protective services.
- She just walked in.
- Yes!
Oh, my god.
I totally almost drowned
a slut!
She was kicking
and scratching,
But I held my breath
and hung on
Until she passed out!
Oh, my god.
Guess what.
You do not "f"
with debbie gallagher!
[chuckles]
don't "f" with me.
- Debs.
- Yeah. What?
[chuckles]
[baby crying]
too lazy to tune in last week,
This is what you missed
on shameless...
Thanks, tim.
Stay down.
- [gasps]
how long was that?
- Not long enough.
City pools are filled
with city kids.
You need
at least 90 seconds.
Cancer's opening up
a whole wonderful world for you.
I was able
to pull some strings
And get you
these special cancer pills.
- Will they cure my cancer?
- Depends on your attitude.
- I just got
my one-year chip
From sex addicts
anonymous.
- I'll go slow.
- Not gonna happen.
- Jody only wants to cuddle
and do it like missionaries.
It's boring.
- If I kick it up a notch,
there's no stopping me.
It's an addiction.
- I think everyone at work,
other than me,
Is blowing the manager.
Princess, I got it.
Go take your break.
- It's a not a break, break.
It's a "bobby" break.
- They're all gonna realize
I'm not carrying
My share of the load,
literally.
- Gotta save your sperm
for baby-making.
- This was
a baby-making session?
- Hoping so.
[beep]
- daddy, it's molly.
Mommy died.
Please come.
- Who the fuck's molly?
- She's my half-sister.
- That's just
my girl penis.
- Looks exactly
like a boy penis.
- Am I coming home
with you?
- You don't need
to be playing house
With mandy milkovich.
Doing shit like this
signals something
To a girl like mandy.
Sure you know what kind
of signals you're sending?
- Hey, fiona, ian,
you met my father.
- [grunts]
- who the fuck are you?
- It's jimmy's dad.
- Were you trying
to screw lip?
- Ian.
- I would like to report
a negligent situation.
Six kids
living in squalor.
No parental supervision.
They're all criminals.
- That is an all-time low.
[high strung's
the luck you got]
♪
- ♪ think of all the luck
you got ♪
♪ know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
♪
♪ round up the friends
you got ♪
♪ know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
[el camino's
lawd have mercy]
[can rattling]
- [chuckles]
Fuck you, gallagher.
- [moaning]
Ahh.
[sighs]
Dude, little man
in the canoe.
- I'm sorry,
but my game is off.
- How does a tongue
forget how to lick?
- It's the whole
"my dad is gay
for your brother" thing.
It's like on a film loop
in my brain.
Ian's cock,
my dad's mouth--
In, out, in, out.
- It's just sex.
He's still the same person.
- But is he?
Because I'm rethinking
everything
I even thought about him.
Like in high school
when my friends came over,
Was he checking out
their asses?
Or that guy,
uncle rick--
His racquetball partner
with the feathered hair?
- Uh-huh.
- Do not leave.
- Too hot
in here anyway.
Sheets are sticking
to my back.
And I gotta go to work.
Be happy you have
a real dad,
Not some thieving
alcoholic deadbeat
Who's puking
into the silverware drawer.
[knock at door]
- I--[exhales]
Doin' some work on
the sewer main in a couple days,
Just wanted to warn ya.
- Warn us what?
- The water's gonna
be shut off for the day.
- Oh, thanks.
[chains rattling]
- Honey?
What is that for?
- Sex swing.
Trying to see if it can bear
both of us at once.
If not, I can get us
a four-post freestander.
- Oh, god.
- What--
is this--
Aren't we--?
- It's fine.
It's just
with all the, um,
Shipments and everything.
And just--
it's totally fine.
It's just--
[stammering]
I'm just not used to being,
um, submissive.
- You can be the dom
tomorrow.
- Okay.
Oh, that's fine.
It's good for us to grow...
As people.
[toilet flushing]
- Shower's free.
Who's next?
- [growls]
- Hey!
- She's not even
related to us.
- Go pee downstairs.
Go.
- [urinating]
- How long do you plan
on keeping molly around?
- Till we find someone
to take him in.
- Are you looking?
- Yeah.
- Good. Might as well
tell him he's a he,
While you're at it.
- Mm, what--
what time is it?
- Sex o'clock.
- Hey!
- Quick,
before carl gets back.
- Yeah, no, I can't--
- I'm sleeping.
- I got to, uh--I gotta
help carl set up for day care.
- I thought
that was debbie's job.
- Yeah, no, it is.
She's just going
to the pool today,
So I promised I'd supervise.
- Still sleeping.
- [sniffs]
- What are your plans
for the day?
- Actually me and kev
are taking
The ice cream truck
to indiana,
Going on a fireworks run.
- Can we come?
- Uh, no, we won't all fit
on the way back.
You know, stash is probably
gonna take up,
Like, half the truck, so--
- Can you do it tomorrow?
I really want us
to take molly to the beach
Before the weekend
meatheads descend.
- Jesus.
Other people exist,
maybe?
- [sniffs]
No, I gotta get down there
Before the roman candles
sell out.
Hey, did you find any, uh,
molly relatives?
- Tracked down a second cousin
in the navy on facebook.
- Did you post
on his wall?
- Status says
he's on sea duty.
I'll do it
when he gets back.
- I mean, um,
when's that?
- Didn't say.
- Okay.
Look, cage the ferret,
okay?
Day care parents
don't appreciate morning muff.
- [chuckles]
here you go. Good doggy.
- [exhales]
100!
100 seconds!
Jimmy, I can't do breakfast,
set up for day care,
And practice holding my breath
all at the same time.
- Oh, it's still broken.
- It's a finger,
not your neck.
Carl, can you set up
for day care?
I need to get to the pool
at exactly 9:00 a.M.
It's opening day.
- I'm feeding liam.
- I can help.
- Thanks, molly.
Okay, wipe down the exersaucers
and teething toys,
Then check the nap-pads
for head-lice and boogers.
That's a really pretty dress.
- It hides my girl penis.
Mom said it's impolite
to show off my bulge.
- More coffee?
Lip, ian,
come down here a sec!
Okay, listen up, gallaghers
and milkoviches.
They're digging up
the sewer main in a few days
And shutting the water off,
So we need to do laundry
and dishes beforehand.
- What about toilets?
- I guess we just
won't flush that day.
- Well,
we could fill up buckets.
- Gross.
- He crippled
or something?
Just so helpful.
Must be nice
having a spouse.
- Wait, they're digging up
the lawn?
- Yeah.
- What about aunt ginger?
[knock at door]
incoming.
[rock music]
- Okay.
- Mwah.
- I'll be back for dinner.
Buck up, kiddo.
- No biggie,
just my universe falling apart.
- Hey, there, fella.
[sniffs]
Ooh.
Let's go take the browns
to the super bowl, huh?
- Jesus!
- Guess who came by today.
The city.
They're digging up the yard
to work on the sewer line.
You need to find aunt ginger
before they do.
- Who?
- The dead relative
whose social security checks
You've been cashing.
You buried her.
You unbury her.
- Hand.
- Come on, debs.
- Bye, frank.
[brendan benson's
the light of day]
♪
- ♪ I don't care
♪ if I ever see
the light of day ♪
♪
- You're not trying
to look at my dick, are you?
- No, no, I'm not.
I'm not even
thinking about your dick...
In my dad's mouth.
I'm not.
- Good, then don't.
- Yep. Not.
- Ian's dick
was in your dad's mouth?
- It's a figure of speech.
It's like saying,
"none of your business.
Your dick's
in my dad's mouth, man."
- Who says that?
- Gay dudes.
- Is ian gay?
- No, no.
It was euphemistic.
- Is that what gay people
like to do?
- Jesus. Forget it.
I'm--okay.
- Oh, uh, jamie.
You any good
with power tools?
Huh?
Hey, lip,
I need your help.
- Oh, busy.
- Too busy
to help your old man?
- Yes, forever.
- Hey, ian?
- He's getting ready
for work.
Nice paint job.
- You got your shoes on?
- Yeah. Why?
- We're going over
to sheila's.
Gonna grab some of dead eddie's
heavy-duty machines.
That fella
loved lawn equipment.
- But I'm sick.
- You don't
look sick to me.
- Cancer?
- Oh, the clinic called.
The pills worked.
No more cancer.
Congrats.
- I'm not dying?
- No!
- Can we have a party?
- You bet.
Just as soon as we dig up
this old, dead crack whore.
Come on, let's go.
- ♪ I feel your love
in the atmosphere ♪
♪ it's so hot now
♪ it's so hot now
♪ I feel your love
in the atmosphere ♪
♪ so hot now
[indistinct distant chatter]
- Are you a lesbo?
- Um, no.
Although I know
many people
Who have had relations
with same-sex individuals.
I believe all people
should have the right
To love
whomever they choose.
And even though
civil unions
Are legal in illinois,
it isn't enough.
Change is possible.
It starts with us and--
- Stop staring at us,
freak bag.
- And grow some tits.
- ♪ so hot now
♪ I feel your love
in the atmosphere ♪
♪ it's so hot now
♪ it's so hot now
♪ I feel your love
in the atmosphere ♪
[pounding upstairs]
- [chuckles]
you hear that?
They're going for
the brass ring up there.
I did that,
showed them the way--
Like a headlamp
in a coal mine.
You see, frank gallagher
knows people.
I-I just intuit.
I was, uh--I was
a psychology major
For a semester.
- Dad?
- Yeah?
- What's this?
- Uh, that's a pacifier
for your anus.
[knock at door]
- [panting]
They're early, frank!
- Hello.
- Can you be on baby duty?
- Looks like a priest
with a 'nam vet.
- Hello?
- It's f-father pete.
He's with a hospice patient,
a nun.
They're out of room
at st. Steven's.
- [laughs]
[baby crying]
- Here.
- Oh, hymie.
Hey.
- Hey, nice to see you again,
father pete.
- And you too, jody.
- Hi, I'm jody.
- [sighs]
I'm sorry about the mess.
We've just been
a little preoccupied.
- Not at all.
Careful, careful.
She's not long for this world,
I'm afraid.
- Oh.
- She's taken a vow of silence,
So you don't have to worry
about her
Keeping you up all night
with her praying.
- Oh.
- This is her
pain medication.
- Great, yeah.
- And--and--
Oh, and make sure
her ipad is always charged.
She can play angry birds
till the cows come home.
- Oh, well--
That's just a, um,
harness for patients.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh, shed key?
- On the fridge,
top of the fridge.
Why are you orange?
Frank?
[baby crying]
[door opens]
- I don't know
what it is, red,
But, uh, I feel less alone
in the world
Knowing I can
drive across town
And find you here,
bent over cans of chicken stock.
[sighs]
look. I-I'm sorry.
Truly. I just--
[sighs]
Can you forgive a man
who's falling apart?
A little?
- Yeah.
[door opens]
- Can I kiss you?
- No.
- Just a little.
So listen.
Um, I need somebody
to rob my house,
And I'm hoping
you could help.
- You want me
to rob your house?
- Candace changed the locks
on the house--
My goddamn house--
And she won't let me
back in,
So I need someone
to steal my stuff.
If I do it, the neighbors
might recognize me.
You go in during
daylight hours
And you look like movers.
You'll be fine.
Look, she stays up
till 3:00 a.M.
Drinking stoli vanilla
and watching bowflex ads.
She'll be unconscious
until well past noon.
Okay, this could be
very lucrative for you.
You can take anything
you want.
Come on,
it's all insured.
All I want
are my two armani suits,
My lucien freud,
and my bottle
Of 1990 chateau latour
pauillac.
What do you say?
Will you do it?
- Frank?
- Yes, son?
- Why would a dude
put his penis
In another dude's mouth?
- Well, sometimes men discover
things about themselves,
Like they prefer
male genitalia
To female genitalia.
- Wait.
So some guys
like to lick wieners?
- Well, I'm sure
at first they're attracted
To each other's build.
And once a connection
gets made,
Then the wieners
get licked.
It's a scorcher today,
ain't it?
- Hey, debs,
how was the pool?
- Great.
Where are the swim diapers?
- Thanks.
Uh, aisle nine.
Aah!
Did you put tacks
in my drawer?
- My baby sister
should've got your job.
It took me four months
to teach her
How to swallow without gagging,
and for what?
Yeah, it's not her fault
she got a lazy eye.
She was raised right.
She don't think
she's better than nobody.
- I'm sorry
about your sister,
But I got
five kids to feed.
- Fiona?
- Oh, you know,
just employee shenanigans.
You got coupons for this?
- I've got an 11:00
ovarian cyst, an 11:30 u.T.I.,
And a preteen
pregnancy in the lobby,
So can you tell me
why you're here
When I just saw you
two weeks ago?
- We've been bangin'
like bunnies
And I can't get pregnant.
I need another exam.
- It won't change anything.
- But you said last time
I had a chance
Of getting pregnant.
- I believe I said
you had very little chance.
I also used the words,
"highly unlikely"
And "wildly improbable."
- You got my baby girl's
hopes up for nothing.
- I chose to mitigate
a difficult discussion
With upbeat
and positive phrasings.
- I need to know the truth.
Can I have a damn baby
or not?
- Put is this way,
you have a 99.999 chance
Of not getting pregnant,
nothing is impossible.
- So does, like, one penis
go into the other penis?
- Of course.
When gay dudes get horny,
Their pee holes open.
[jackhammering]
- Hey.
Swim diapers.
- Thank god.
I've already had
to fish out two poops.
Ew.
[jackhammering]
[electric buzzing]
[sparks]
- Daddy!
- Hey. Whoa.
You stink like bleach.
- Yeah, I was
at the pool today.
I stayed under
for 112 seconds.
- Hey, good for you!
- Yeah.
- Show those syphilis-ridden
turbo sluts a thing or two.
They think
they own the water
Just 'cause
they piss in it.
[clank]
- we hit something.
- What's that smell?
- Ew.
- Whew.
- The sewer line?
- Oh, man.
You probably should
patch that up
With some duct tape
and a t-shirt.
Aah, god. Bleh.
[rock music]
♪
- You sure we're digging
in the right spot?
- Ew!
- [coughs]
- Aah!
♪
- Man, I can't believe
your wife
Actually came to your house.
- I thought v was gonna
rip her throat out.
Yo, so what's up
with you and mandy?
You guys seem tight.
- I guess.
She's gotten hella clingy.
- You rescued
her cross-dressing sibling.
You swashbuckled
that shit, man.
Seals the deal for a chick.
I'm serious.
Girls take that hero crap
straight to the bank.
She cook for you now?
Fold your clothes?
- Sometimes.
- She stay over
more than four nights a week?
Help you out
with random stuff?
Huh?
[laughs]
Dude,
you are ghetto married.
Enjoy it.
You get all the perks,
No paperwork.
Guys would kill
for that setup.
- I kinda hate it.
- What's wrong with you, man?
I think karen
messed you up bad.
- Gun it.
♪
- Ah, good work.
[knock at door]
[baby crying]
- Get your act together,
lady.
- [sighs]
I got day-old chuck,
two-day-old sirloin,
Couple of
partially soft bagels,
And, like, two gallons
of nearly expired mayo.
Oh, and a sheet cake.
- Joanie was late
picking up her kid again,
And guess what the excuse was.
- Flat tire?
- Flat tire.
- It's not the homo thing
that gets me,
'cause gays hit on me
all the time
And it doesn't bother me.
- Of course they do.
You wear designer jeans
And coconut hair product.
You're like gay flypaper.
"haddy birthday juby?"
- Bakery guy is dyslexic.
Where's frank?
- Haven't seen him.
- Well, he's gotta
fill in that hole
Where ginger was,
it reeks out there.
- He forgot
where he buried her.
- You're kidding.
- We couldn't find her.
- And carl busted
the sewer line.
- Wait.
You picking up guitar?
- Bitches at work
giving me shit.
Thumb tacks
in my change drawer.
You believe that?
- Holy shit.
- Yep. Yeah, we did good.
Boomtown was good to us.
- Yeah.
- Blowing up
the hancock building?
- No, we don't have
any more room in the truck.
Can we store some here?
- Are you nuts?
Look at that kid's face.
- I promise I'll put it
in a no-carl zone.
- As if that exists.
- Don't touch it.
- Go wash your face, pyro.
Mandy, make yourself useful.
Set the table.
- You want pop, beer,
or ice water?
- Uh, water's good.
Thanks.
- Put these
on lip's bed.
- She's out in a week, okay?
- Which one?
- [sighs]
- What's with jimmy?
That shit with his dad?
- He's pretty broken up
about it.
- No one's dead, wounded,
or incarcerated.
- What do you expect?
Rich kid from the north side.
- It's his first
big family crisis.
He's taking it
pretty hard.
Left side of your mouth.
Other left.
- Dude's got daddy issues.
No wonder you dig him.
- I can hear you.
- Hey, lip, go reorganize
the truck.
Put the weed in the fridge,
poppers in the freezer.
Put the smokes on top
and the bangers
Underneath the seats.
- Yep.
- I'll help.
- Cake for dinner?
- I gotta
get to the alibi.
Hey, what did the doc
say this morning?
- Never had a chance to go.
- Okay. I love you.
Mwah.
[door shuts]
- Hey.
What about a surrogate?
- You offering?
- Hell no.
Bet you could find someone good
on craigslist.
- Bitch gets paid,
I.V.F. Docs gets paid,
Medical bills,
maternity clothes,
Lawyer fee, contract fees.
Low end? 40 grand.
Need a truckload
of slave-play
To raise that kinda scratch.
- What'll you do?
- Something.
- Sister, I so admire
the vow you've taken.
It takes such strength
To resist the lure
of temptation,
Verbally or otherwise.
[clatter upstairs]
oh!
Oh, sister, I'm--
I'm so sorry.
Jody and I are just
experimenting
With new liberties.
[drill whirring]
As you know, our bodies
are god's temple,
And it's as if we're adding on
a little wing or two.
So there's no way
in the world
You would ever talk?
[drilling]
[sighs]
oh, sister.
Jody is pushing me
to new levels.
It's completely my fault.
He warned me not to go
Through this gateway
with him,
But I wouldn't listen.
And now I can't
find my way back.
[crying]
I've never had so many things
Inserted into so many
parts of my body at once!
Have I encouraged him
to overstep his boundaries?
Or am I helping him
to create
New and--and healthy ones?
Because I admit,
Inflicting sexual pain
Gives me great pleasure.
- You ready, mama?
Batteries are charged!
- Oh, sister,
I feel so much better.
Thank you for letting me
get that off my chest.
Oh, you're a good one.
- Gloves?
- Got some cuts
on my hands at work.
I think it's dry.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh, my god.
I just realized.
That huge fight
that dad had with mr. Ward,
My gay seventh grade
science teacher--
I thought it was because
of the crappy grade
I got on
my bread mold project,
But they kept on
excusing themselves
To discuss it in private.
I am such an idiot.
And that wedding
that we went to in hawaii
When I was in high school--
me, mom, and chip
Went to bed early,
and dad stayed up dancing
All night
with the best man.
I guess what
really gets me
Is that he couldn't
tell me the truth.
I mean, did he think
I wouldn't accept him
Or that
I'd think less of him?
Why didn't he trust me?
Am I the only one
who didn't know?
Does my brother know?
Oh, I bet you
my brother knows.
[take me out to the coast
by waters]
♪
- ♪ and I was wrong
♪ to believe in myself
♪ I can't belong
to a scene ♪
♪ and no one else
- Wait, so there's
butthole involved?
- Sometimes, not always.
Hey. Ian and I are gonna
go get high
And watch family guy.
You wanna come?
- Uh, no, I've been
driving all day.
I'm exhausted.
- Doing a night load.
Any takers?
- Here you go.
- Lip, nothing?
- Did ours
this afternoon.
- Maybe next time
you wanna throw in
Debbie or carl or liam's
with yours.
- Sure, no problem.
Hey, if you
change your mind,
Come down, okay?
- Mm.
- I need to know
where the gay wieners go.
- [sighs]
You know how you plunge
a toilet when it's backed up?
- Yeah.
- Think of it as
one dude
Plunging another dude's
toilet.
♪
- ♪ take us out
to the coast ♪
♪ and we'll find
our way, oh ♪
- Could always adopt.
- I don't want
someone else's kid.
I want a little punk
with your pretty eyes
And your crooked smile.
- I don't know, v,
at some point
We might have to accept
that it's not meant to be.
- Not meant to be?
Was I meant to get
an s.T.D. At 17
From some lame-ass rapper
That would
trash my tubes?
Was I meant to google him
all afternoon
To find out
he has eight kids?
Was I meant to friend him
on facebook
To write on his wall
some psychotic rant
About how
he ruined my life?
- Baby, it's okay.
- No, it's not.
Fuck his weak-ass rhymes,
Fuck that
tree frog-lookin' doctor,
And fuck all the fuckin' money
I spent on condoms
For the last 20 years.
And fuck you for acting like
you don't wanna
Fight harder for this.
- Whoa.
You know I do,
more than anything.
- Then let's fight.
[laughs]
- Enough with the kicking!
Christ!
- Where is she?
- I can't--
I give up.
I need sleep.
- Let me spell this out
for you.
The city digs up
some bones.
The police show up.
They figure out
it's aunt ginger.
They date the bones.
They realize she's been dead
for 14 years,
And yet,
her social security checks
Are being cashed
every month.
This isn't a dui, frank.
You buried a body
and you stole
From the federal government.
You will never
get out of prison.
Think about it.
- Fuck.
[gunshots]
- Hey.
You know the guy
You beat the shit out of
at that club?
He wants me to sneak
into his mansion,
Take all of his crap.
- Really?
Hilarious.
[gunshot]
- He can't get it himself.
Divorce.
Says I can take
whatever I want.
He's loaded.
You want in?
[gunshots]
Jesus!
Use blanks, maybe?
Fuck.
- Can I bring my cousins?
- Yeah.
- All right.
I'm in.
[gunshot]
I don't know what you see
In that geriatric
viagroid.
- He buys me stuff,
orders me room service.
[gunshots]
He isn't afraid
to kiss me.
[ice cream truck chimes]
- Yeah, we're low on joints.
- I got extra weed
in the fridge,
But it needs rolling.
- You guys look like
you could use some help.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- No, we're good, thanks.
- Can you roll us
some spliffs?
- Sure.
We need papers.
- Right there.
- You guys
are really killing it.
- Whoa, you are a giant.
- Ask me if I play basketball
and I'll punch your nuts.
- What do you want?
- Two fountains,
a pack of sparklers,
Three joints,
and a bomb pop.
- Hey, you got any
community service hours left?
- Why?
- Molly could help, he offered.
- No. You know what?
I'm covered.
Actually we're good here too.
You can go home.
- You know what?
Have her stick around.
I gotta hit the alibi
in ten minutes away.
- I can handle it.
- I'm good to stay.
- No, please just
go home, mandy--
To your own fucking house,
for once.
- That was harsh.
[toilet flushes]
- [exhales]
- Really, ladies?
Really funny.
[knocking]
[phone line trilling]
Hi, this is fiona.
I'm working register two.
I'm locked in the bathroom.
I did try the knob.
Fine.
I'll try again.
- On what planet
is it cool for you
To take a smoke break
in the employee bathroom?
- I don't even
smoke parliaments.
[rock music]
- ♪ I remember
♪ how I played
the fool for you ♪
♪ now I'm just a fool
♪ until you do this
every time ♪
♪ that I wake
♪ is a number that sings
♪
- Holy crap,
congrats on your puberty.
- Yeah, your tits
look great.
- Thanks.
You know, they always say
it happens overnight.
- Go for a swim.
Try out your new bod.
- Okay.
♪
- It's my fourth.
- I don't care if it's
your 44th.
We don't do buybacks.
- I'm broke.
- Hey, news flash, princess.
So is 150%
of the patronage here.
- Oh, there she is.
Welcome back.
How was your vacay?
- Oh, I went surfing,
got hit by a jet ski,
Saw a dolphin masturbate.
- Yeah?
Well, my finger's broken,
my parents are divorced,
And my dad's a fairy, so--
- a fairy?
Hello, 1983.
Did you get
my co2 tanks?
- Yeah. Hey, can you
make it quick?
I gotta get out of here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
Hey.
You know, not for nothin',
but, uh,
No one likes to hear
a grown man whine.
It's like the verbal equivalent
of a dude wearing uggs.
- Yeah, well, I appreciate
the sympathy, thanks.
- Get over it.
Fiona doesn't
have room for it.
She's busting her ass
just to keep food on the table.
- Good denizens
of cook county,
I have a proposition.
[all murmuring]
Do you remember--
Do you remember
the holdup
Of that jewelry store
on south ashland in '92?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Bastards cleaned out
these poor spics
Of every piece of crap
that they had.
That was my mother.
She did the heist.
And I think she buried the crap
in my backyard.
- How do you know that?
- Well, she stashed it
somewhere
And then
she forgot where.
So the other day
I was planting some basil.
I've recently gotten
back into gardening.
And I found this.
- Shit, is that gold?
- Could be.
Pretty dirty,
gotta get it appraised.
The point being,
this is only the tip
Of the golden iceberg.
Now I can't dig it
all up by myself.
So I will give
a sizeable cut
To anyone who helps me
unearth it.
So who's with me?
[sparse chuckles]
- Fuck it. Why not?
- I'm in.
- There you go.
Bravo, soldiers.
Onward, onward.
Let's go.
- Let's do it.
- That's the spirit.
This is what
made america great.
- Ew, period! Period!
[laughter]
- Hey. What'd I miss
at the pool?
- [cooing]
- Should we--
- let's just make sure
We explored
all other options.
- Okay.
What about that maid
you used to work with?
- Chantrelle?
Too crazy.
- How about macie
down at the old folks home?
- Too medicated.
- Fiona?
- Too white.
- Really?
Is that a concern of yours?
- I want it to have
my genetic material,
Or at least
look like it does.
- What about
your cousin sharonda?
- I called her this morning.
She fell off the wagon,
was fried by noon.
- Well, what about
your other cousin?
You know, the, uh,
pretty one?
- Oh, the pretty one?
- No, 'cause I want our kid
to look pretty like you.
I mean--
- she's 13.
- Wow.
She seems older.
[broom sweeping]
- [grunts]
- Aah.
[grunts]
Mother of christ,
it stinks.
There's so much shit
in the yard.
- Shut up
and keep digging.
The one arm wonder's
making more progress than you.
- This is as far
as you got?
- Don't judge!
- Frank, do you know
for certain
There's jewelry
buried out here?
- Uh, you know what?
Try along
that fence there.
I saw her rootin' around
in there like a badger.
- Wowee.
Is it desert storm night
at the cheesecake factory?
- Why are you
acting like a dick to mandy?
- I think that
qualifies as
None of your fuckin'
business.
- Well, she called me
from her aunt's house,
Said you told her
to go home.
- Is molly leaving too?
- What? No, debs.
Look, man.
She is always on me
about, you know,
Our plans for the night
and when
We're going to see
her friend's band
And what we're doing
next week.
- So she likes
hanging out with you.
That's not a crime.
- I like molly.
- She's not my wife.
- No, she's a good person
who does nice things for you.
- What are you,
her fuckin' lawyer?
- No, I'm her best friend.
All right, and you're acting
like a douche bag.
You want out? End it.
You don't?
Stop treating her
like garbage.
But just 'cause karen
wiped her ass with you
Doesn't give you the right
to shit on mandy.
[door opens]
- Guys, bad news.
We all gotta dig tonight.
The city's coming and frank
can't find aunt ginger.
- So?
- So someone's going to jail
if we don't find her.
- Yeah, frank, you mean.
- There's a body.
We know about it.
We're accomplices.
- Once again saddled
with a mess we didn't create.
- Sooner we get out there
and dig,
The sooner it'll all
be over.
- I still got blisters
on my hand from yesterday.
- I can dig.
I have pretty developed
upper arms for a chick.
- I need to borrow
your turkey baster.
- I don't want molly
to leave!
- What's with her?
- She got her period
at the pool today.
- I can't wait
to get my period.
Mom said it's the body's
tribute to female sacrifice.
- You're not a girl,
honey.
You're a boy
who was raised
By a jacked-up meth head
of a mom
Who made you think
you were a girl
Because she hates men.
- I'm not a girl?
- Lip.
- [crying]
[knock at door]
- debbie?
- [sobs]
it wasn't real.
It was ketchup.
They did it
in front of everyone!
- Who?
- The girls at the pool.
- Debs.
- [crying]
They're pretty
and boys notice them.
- Well, they won't
be pretty for long.
They're gonna make
all the bad decisions
And you're gonna get to learn
from their mistakes.
- Why do they
have to be so mean?
- Some girls
are just jerks.
Like that chick
at the store yesterday.
Did I deserve that?
No.
But did I take her shit?
No way.
'cause I'm better
than that and so are you.
Nobody fucks
with the gallaghers.
- [crying]
- Debbie?
- Go away.
- Open the door.
- [deep breath]
[crying]
- Come on.
- [sobs]
- We gotta dig.
[rock music]
♪
- [gasps]
Oh! Oh!
I thought you took
a vow of silence.
The silence doesn't include
the internet?
♪
You have been blogging
about me every day?
- [grunts]
- I think I'm gonna puke.
- Muscle through it.
We gotta find her.
Where'd carl go?
- Huh?
- Ninja!
- Carl! No!
- No!
[explosion]
- aah!
- Oh, my god.
- Shit, carl!
[car alarm blaring]
That actually kinda worked.
- You get those
from the fireworks stash?
- Yeah.
- Go get some more.
- Ian?
- Reeks out here.
Hey, listen.
Oh, man.
About all the stuff,
just with my dad, I--
- Oh, my god, why are we
still talking about this?
I mean, really?
Christ.
- Okay, so, like,
whenever you need me,
I'm, like, there for you,
but the one time I need you,
You're like, "screw off"?
- Carl thinks
he's a cancer survivor.
Molly thinks she's a girl
with a penis.
Debbie's getting terrorized
at the public pool.
This yard smells like
a sewer.
I got three drunk assholes
Operating power tools
behind me.
And the bitches at work
Locked me
in a bathroom today.
Oh!
And we might all be on the verge
of going to prison.
So you wanna talk?
Fine.
Grab a shovel.
Talk your face off
about how your dad
Gave a blowjob
to a teenager,
But dig while you do it.
- You know what?
I'm really tired
of playing this
"my tragedy is bigger
than your tragedy" game.
My entire world
got rocked,
And it's, like,
not even on your radar.
We're in a relationship!
What's important to me
should be important to you.
- Look at us.
We are literally
digging up a body.
How do you even
compare our situations?
[chuckles]
oh, that's great.
Walk away.
That's a real pussy move.
Yeah, why don't you go cry
to your gay dad about it?
- So I'll just
be carrying it
And you two take it from me
when it comes out?
- Yes, mama.
- 'cause lord knows
I am too old to be
raising an infant.
- It will be our child.
It will be your grandchild.
- Aw, you were
such a sweet baby.
But lord,
were you a terrible eater.
[chuckles]
It'd get all up in your hair
and in your nose--
- Everything okay?
- Yeah, just a second.
Oh, this comes
the tricky part.
[slapping]
[groans]
- Not much in there.
We could've used
an eyedropper.
Jeez, kevin.
- [exhales]
- okay.
- [deep breaths]
Bottoms up.
- Ooh.
Warmer than I expected.
Ooh.
[laughs]
- Okay, bedtime, gang.
We'll start again
in the morning.
- Fuck.
[lighter clicks]
Don't worry
about your dweeb.
He's just off
licking his wounds.
He'll be back.
- We gallaghers sure know
how to pick 'em, huh?
See you in the morning.
[dialing]
- Hey, karen.
It's lip.
Um, just wanted
to give you an update--
Wherever the fuck you are.
Um, your kid,
he's doing great.
Um, your mom
and ex-husband, they're--
They're also doing great.
My dad,
who you fucked,
He's doing great.
And, um--
I'm doing really,
really great--
Just in case
you were wondering.
You selfish, ignorant,
heinous piece of dog shit.
Thank you for leaving
and never coming back.
You--we all owe you
a huge fucking favor!
You rock.
Hi.
Go inside?
Bring that with you.
Come on.
[sighs]
- [sighs]
[chuckles]
Hey, it's me.
Uh, just wondering
where you are.
Call, text, whatevs.
Bye.
[sighs]
- I mean, no wonder
she flipped out.
I mean, she's got
so much on her plate.
She needs me there for her.
I--you know, I gotta
work on my stuff too.
- Si. So hard for you.
Poor stevie.
You ready to go again?
- Yeah.
- [giggles]
[both moaning]
- Fuck.
[metal clanking]
- I'm a dick!
Mandy?
I'm a dick.
Can you come down?
Hey.
- I'm not a tool.
- Yeah, I know.
- So you don't get
to treat me like one.
- I know.
Come down.
Please?
[rock music]
♪
[fireworks squealing]
- Hey. Whoa.
Guys, guys.
No fucking guns,
all right?
It's just a drunk old lady
in there.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Fuck.
- [coughs]
Where's debbie?
- She's at the pool.
- We gotta keep digging.
- [cooing]
[rock music]
♪
[clock chiming]
♪
- [grunts]
- Oh, come on.
[clock chimes]
- Oh, fuck.
- Jesus christ.
- Hey!
Fuckers!
- Oh, fuck.
- Aah!
- Fuck.
- Go!
- Fuckers!
[gunshot]
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Fucking--
[gunshot]
- No fucking way!
- Fuck!
Fucking ned!
Are you fucking him too?
- Aah!
Fucking drive.
- You got shot,
mickey!
- Yes, I fucking know
I got shot.
[tires screeching]
[gunshot]
- [grunts]
♪
- Remember,
do not sit on cushions,
Carpets, anything foam,
or porous.
Say their names slowly
and calmly.
If you feel something
crawling on you
Don't scream, just shake
the body part lightly.
Okay?
Let's do this.
[tires screeching]
- Come on.
- Holy shit.
Holy shit.
- Fuck.
- [groans]
- Fuck.
[tires screeching]
- I'm just gonna
take another minute.
- Take your time.
- You kidding me?
- Stay there.
- Aah!
- Oh, jesus.
- Just one fucking
old lady, huh?
Aah! Ow! Ow.
[children crying]
- Well, if it isn't
the toughest badass
Fag-beater this side
of the chicago river.
- Fuck off.
- [grunts]
♪
- I'll show you some tits.
[deep breath]
♪
[chuckles]
- [screams, grunts]
♪
[knock at door]
- Fiona's fits better,
doesn't it?
- Sure.
♪
[children crying]
- [screaming]
- Oh, my.
- You're almost done,
mickey.
- Aah!
- [grunts]
Ha!
[giggles]
[squeals]
- [screaming, groaning]
- Ian, what the fuck?
- I can explain this.
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm britney sturges
from child protective services.
- She just walked in.
- Yes!
Oh, my god.
I totally almost drowned
a slut!
She was kicking
and scratching,
But I held my breath
and hung on
Until she passed out!
Oh, my god.
Guess what.
You do not "f"
with debbie gallagher!
[chuckles]
don't "f" with me.
- Debs.
- Yeah. What?
[chuckles]
[baby crying]