Shameless (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - El Gran Cañon - full transcript
Fiona struggles to accept the new Jimmy, Frank wakes up in a place completely foreign to him.
- You really don't remember
what happened last year?
School. Now.
- I dropped out.
You'll get your diploma,
I'll get mine.
- What you doing?
- Studying.
- You taking your ged?
All right, fi!
- Estefania.
Fiona.
- You married
a druglord's daughter?
- I'm not in love with her.
- That's good, 'cause she
doesn't love you either.
She's got this other guy.
Marco...Somebody.
- Marco, you're me now.
Take my identity.
And if este's dad
comes looking for you,
She'll still be married
to steve wilton.
- We can't have sex anymore.
- I'm pretty sure
that jody's gonna propose.
- You're better than this guy,
karen.
- Stay the fuck away from me,
And stay the fuck away
from this baby!
- Is it all right
if I stay over tonight?
- Couldn't go 12 hours
without seeing me, could you?
- Went to the clinic today,
said me having kids...
Not likely.
- No one said
that we have to stop trying.
- Hello, boys.
- We got nothing
to be ashamed of.
- What fucking world
do you live in?
- Officer,
oink, oink!
- Get on the ground!
- This violate my probation?
- Shut up!
- [laughing]
- [screams]
- Is it the baby?
- No!
It's you!
Get out!
- I really am so sorry
about all of this with karen.
You deserve better.
- Congratulations, my boy.
You hit the jackpot.
- Frank!
- What?
- I think you should go.
- Why don't you just live
at your real home
With your real family?
- I don't like them,
and they don't like me.
- Hey, stop that!
Hey, hey!
Please just go.
Leave.
- Mind if I sleep here
for the night?
- Hey, that's no problem
for me.
- Back to being a legal resident
around here, steve?
- His name is jimmy now.
Steve was just an alias he used
to lie to me
About who he really was.
I wanna meet your family.
- Sorry to be late.
- These are fiona's brothers,
carl and ian.
- Do they know you're gay?
- I'm not gay.
- Really?
- [screaming]
- it's coming! It's coming!
- Doctor.
- What's wrong with him?
- He has down's syndrome, debs.
- Yeah, and he's asian.
- Take it back to the hospital.
Somebody will want it.
- I want it.
- It's me or the baby.
- The baby, sweetheart.
- Know you're gonna
regret this.
- I love you.
- Are you gonna leave?
- No.
- Everybody always leaves.
- I won't.
[high strung's
the luck you got]
♪
- ♪ think of all the luck
you got ♪
♪ know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
♪
♪ round up the friends
you got ♪
♪ know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
[ad libs from kitchen]
[indie rock music]
♪
- Morning, sunshine.
- Why didn't you wake me up?
I gotta make lunches
before work.
- Already done.
Carl.
My man, would you like
some more french toast?
- Uh-huh.
- Lip and ian?
- Already fed
and gone.
- Why are you eating
a popsicle for breakfast?
- Jimmy said it was okay.
- I've got your smoothie
ready to go.
- Where's debbie?
- Out front like always.
♪
- Morning, debs.
- 137 days.
- When I was nine,
he was gone for a year.
He always comes back.
- Lunch.
- He'll be back, debs.
He always comes back.
- Hey, [speaking spanish].
Hey!
[speaking spanish]
[speaking spanish]
Hey!
[speaking spanish]
[speaking spanish]
- all right.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
Hey.
Help me?
- [speaking spanish]
you need help?
- Yes, thank you.
Where am I?
- Juarez.
- Mexico?
- [speaking spanish]
- Did I miss christmas?
- Christmas?
You almost missed easter.
- There's an escalade
parked across the street
With someone in it.
- Oh?
- It's nice.
Still has its hubcaps.
I think it was there
yesterday too.
Popsicle for breakfast?
- Carl's teeth hurt.
- Yeah, 'cause he's eating
popsicles for breakfast.
Did he brush
before he left for school?
- Yeah, think so.
- Did you check his toothbrush
to see if it was wet?
- Mm,
I was hoping
That you'd still be in bed
When the kids left
for school.
- I have to work.
- You've got five minutes.
- Five?
- I'll make it ten
if I focus
On the white sox box scores
or something.
- Liam?
- Just plop him down in front
of the wiggles,
He's good for hours.
- I can't be late.
I can't be late!
I need the cash
for the property tax bill.
- [sniffs]
- Please don't tell my kids
They can do things
they know they can't.
- Your kids?
- A popsicle?
- So I'm just the nanny?
I can feed them,
change them,
But when carl
wants a second popsicle--
- Second popsicle?
- Didn't like the first one.
Banana.
- His teeth are gonna rot
out of his head.
We just spent 2 grand
on his braces.
- We?
- What?
- Not...We.
Me.
I paid for carl's braces.
- No more popsicles
for breakfast, okay?
Lip and ian
left early?
- They said they had to pick
something up downtown
Before school.
- Downtown?
- What they said.
- Pick up what?
- Go, go, go, go!
- When you said you had access
to the building,
I thought you meant
through a door!
- I may have fudged
on that a bit.
- Hey! Stop!
- Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
- Okay, stop!
Out of the way!
Stop it!
Watch it!
- Jesus, what ever happened
to fat, doughnut-eating cops?
Now they're all triathletes.
Jesus.
- Catch!
- The tall prick looks good
for another 10 miles.
- Aah!
Shit!
Ditch out at the street,
yeah?
- Wait, wait, wait!
Maybe they'll give up.
- What are you doing?
Shit, shit!
Whoa!
Whoa.
- Right there!
Hold it!
- No way west point takes you
with a felony conviction.
- Hey!
- Catch you
at the courthouse later?
- Don't be stupid!
- Call mandy, all right?
Milkovich has gotta have
a good bail-bondsman.
- [screams]
[baby fussing]
- Baby.
[baby crying]
Baby.
It's your turn.
I know you're awake.
You're making
that fakey sleep sound.
I was up at 3:00 and 5:00.
Get your ass up,
You goddamn pony-tailed
fabio motherfucker!
- What?
- Get your goddamn ass
out of this bed!
It's your fucking turn!
- Is someone tearing
his flesh off?
You sure
this ferber dude knows
What the hell
he's talking about?
- Go!
[crying stops]
- ♪ hush, little baby,
don't say a word ♪
[crying continues,
drumming]
♪ papa's gonna buy you
a mockingbird ♪
♪ if that mockingbird
don't sing ♪
- Stop it!
- [singing in spanish]
♪
- Passport, please.
♪
- [sighs]
- Aw, come on, man.
- Excuse me.
Medi-medi-medical emergency.
Good morning.
- Passport?
- Ah, yeah, um...
No.
Must have left 'em
in my other pants.
But I'm an american citizen.
Chi-town, born and raised.
- No passport, no entry.
- What?
Since when?
- Since al qaeda decided
americans needed killing.
- See, here's the thing,
Agent tacker.
You look like a man
Who occasionally enjoys
a malt beverage,
So you can understand,
Every once in a while,
A couple of drinks
can get out of hand.
But when it happens,
the next morning,
You have to pick yourself up,
dust yourself off,
And get right back
on the horse.
Am I right,
or am I right?
Just let me cross.
I won't tell anyone.
I promise.
- You got
a driver's license?
Any form of photo I.D.?
Costco card?
- Do I look
like I've got a costco card?
- You look like you need
a course of penicillin
And a lice comb.
Call home,
Get somebody to send you
some kind of photo I.D.,
So we can use it to make you
a temporary passport.
Get cleaned up.
We're not letting you
into the country,
So you can add to texas'
homeless population.
Next!
[latin music continues]
♪
- [urinating]
Ahh.
[stops urinating]
[continues urinating]
- He just walks in,
doesn't even bother to knock!
- That's nothing.
Last night, kev waltzes in,
Does his sit-down business
while I'm taking a bath.
- Only one bathroom.
Had to go.
- We have another bathroom,
But jimmy can't be bothered
to go downstairs?
- Kev once did
his poopy business
While I was brushing
my teeth.
- Only one bathroom.
- Can I steal some of this?
- Sure.
- Yesterday,
I caught him vacuuming
And watching rachel ray.
- Kev doesn't even know
what a vacuum is.
- Sure, I do.
Outer space.
Dude in armageddon
got sucked
Right out of his space suit,
exploded.
Nice overalls.
- $14.50 an hour.
You haven't lived till
you've vacuumed up toxic waste.
- Hey, what do you think?
Am I camera ready or what?
Both: Ow!
- [grunting]
- my man.
My topless web traffic
is way down.
Too many girls ironing.
If we're going to have a kid,
I need to save up money
For when my tits
are the size of watermelons.
- There's probably a market
for pervs
Who want to see
a woman nursing.
- Kev's worried our kid might
find these online one day.
- Whoo! Shit on the net
never goes away.
Kev junior's gonna be surfing
the net for porn one day
And see his mama's
big titties and get hungry.
- So we're trying
a new web thing.
- Couple act.
Master and slave.
Wah!
- You gonna do it
in a cast?
- Hey, man's gotta eat.
- That is so wrong.
- It's educational.
By acting out a scene
from the old plantation,
We're providing content
for an internet audience
That embraces a truthful
reenactment of our past.
- It's racist and wrong!
- Which is
why it's gonna make money
'cause this country
is racist.
- What's that all about?
- The place we were working
yesterday
Had a couple billion fleas.
Jimmy doesn't really
do anything.
He just hangs around the house
all day with liam,
Making smoothies, acting
like he's the kids' new dad.
- So he's vacuuming, cooking,
and changing dirty diapers,
And you're still pissed.
I thought that's
what you ladies wanted
Is shared housework.
Wage equality
and all that hunger games,
Lady gaga
girl power shit.
- We say it,
but we don't mean it.
There is nothing sexy
about a man with a mop.
[tv prelap]
- I don't know, tell us.
- At least give us a hint.
- Okay.
- Hey, my man.
[guitar plays on tv]
- huh?
[muffled tv dialogue]
- I know--by singing words,
it will be fun.
Learning to read...
- Oh, my man.
- That's right, chip.
You guessed it.
- Living with someone
is hard.
When's the last time
you were with a guy
For longer than a few weeks?
- Pshh. Never.
- Wha--
- And how long you been living
with jimmy, three months?
- Four.
- Boring happens.
We all get bored.
It'll pass.
He'll stop being boring
again soon.
- ♪ up, up, up,
chip likes to soar ♪
♪ then down, down, down
- ♪ let's learn some more
- ♪ come over here
♪ then come with me
♪ go over there
[muffled song on tv]
[engine starts]
[tires screeching]
[portuguese commands]
[grunting]
- Well, hello, steve.
- Nando.
[speaks portuguese]
- Where is she, steve?
- Where's who?
- Estefania, steve.
My daughter.
Your wife.
- Oh.
[rock music]
♪
- What are we doing today?
- Biohazard.
- Listen up.
Sewer main backed up.
Sent effluent geysering
out their basement toilet.
Got a few blocks
of raw sewage down there.
Better grab the waders.
- [vocalizing]
♪
- Bullshit! Bullshit!
It's fucking bullshit!
Motherfucking asshole son
of a bitch was fucking with me!
- Philip ronan gallagher.
Breaking and entering,
grand theft,
Assaulting
two law enforcement officers.
- Uh, campus security,
your honor.
I mean, can rent-a-cops
really be counted
As law enforcement officers?
- It's been, what,
a couple of months?
- Almost a year,
your honor.
- Turn a new leaf
or just dumb luck?
- No, walking the straight
and narrow, your honor.
Thanks to the wise counsel
and guidance
Previously provided
by this court.
- Are you mocking me,
philip?
- No, your honor,
absolutely not.
You know, I have nothing
but respect for this court
And for the rule of law
that it represents.
You know, the rights
that we've derived
From over 900 years
of fealty
To the magna carta
are the only things standing
Between us and the anarchy
of mob rule.
- Hmm. Still a minor.
What a shame.
The defendant before you
beat a co-worker to death
With a nail-studded 2x4
For finishing the coffee
and not starting a new pot.
You show up in this court again
as an adult,
I'll make sure
he's your cell mate.
How do you plead?
- Not guilty...
Your honor.
- Set a date for prelim.
$500 bond.
- [computerized female voice]
please say "collect."
Calling card, third number,
or enter your--
- Collect.
- Please say your name.
- Frank.
- Thank you.
- [sighs]
Oh, boy.
[rock music]
♪
- [vocalizing]
[phone ringing]
♪
- What's it mean
when there's a plus sign
In front of the number?
- International call.
Probably some nigerian
calling to tell you
You won a million bucks.
[line trilling]
[dial tone]
- [exclaims]
- Daddy!
Daddy.
Daddy!
Daddy?
Daddy?
Frank?
Daddy?
Daddy?
- [speaking spanish on tv]
- Frank!
He's not here.
- No cookies.
Jimmy didn't make
any cookies.
- Estefania and I occasionally
spend time on the south side,
Helping a friend
look after her siblings.
It's a tragic story, really--
mom's gone, dad's a drunk.
- Out.
- Okay.
Thank you.
How you do--
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ah.
Yeah, yeah, got ya.
- If he tries to run,
shoot him.
- You know, I was surprised
to see you in the states
Because I thought that the dea
had you on a watch list.
- They do.
So you can imagine how happy
I am to come here, steve.
[door buzzer]
- [speaks portuguese]
Stevie, you home!
How was your trip?
Your plane safe?
- Save it.
He knows.
Her english
is getting good, right?
- Heh.
- Hey, sweetheart.
You.
- No, [speaks portuguese]!
No, [speaks portuguese]!
No, no!
[crying]
No!
No!
No!
[gunshots]
[crying]
[baby crying]
- You can buy baby food
at the food 4 less, sweetie.
- They put artificial coloring
and preservatives in that crap.
- [groaning]
[phone ringing]
Yeah, but the carrots
gave him gas.
- No, that was the peas
and eggplant.
Won't do that again.
[baby crying]
[phone ringing]
- Aww.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Hello?
- You have a collect call.
- Collect? Yes.
Yes.
Karen? Sweetie?
- Karen?
She okay?
- Sheils, honey,
it's frank.
- Frank who?
- Frank frank.
Listen, sheils,
here's the situation.
I'm out of the country
on business,
And it's the craziest thing.
Someone stole all my money
and my passport.
Aw, shit!
Shit!
- Hey, hey!
Trouble, [speaking spanish]?
- What?
- Maybe I could help.
[alarm buzzes]
- Here he comes.
- Been up to see mickey?
- Nah, I sent him some
girl-on-girl porn last week.
It's the only thing
he ever wants.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Thanks, man.
How you doing?
Hey.
Mwah!
Gah! What the fuck?
- Asshole.
- What the hell's that about?
- Wasn't too happy to hear
about you getting caught.
- Oh.
- How'd it go?
- Public defender thinks I can
get off with community service
If we take the laser back.
Underprivileged kid
trying to gain access
To scientific equipment
he doesn't have
At his ghetto-ass,
underfunded high school.
Hey, uh,
thanks for bailing me out.
- All mandy.
She used
her dad's line of credit
At bad bob's bonds.
- Miss a hearing,
and my dad will come after you
With a linoleum knife
and a bucket of battery acid.
- Hey.
- You knew about this.
- Absolutely not.
I'm shocked and humiliated
by this betrayal.
I can't believe it.
How could she be
unfaithful to me
After everything
we've been through?
- Better safe than sorry.
- Well...
Looks like you don't need me
around here anymore.
- Put some gloves on.
You get to hold his foot
while I cut.
[estefania crying]
- Fiona.
Burrito?
Warmed it on the septic
truck engine, works great.
- Uh, no, thanks.
- So my lazy-ass nephew,
my brother howie's kid
With the big head.
You remember him from school?
- Howie jr., sure!
- Anyway, he's back from college
for the summer--
- Howie jr.'s in college?
- Wrestling scholarship.
Majoring in beer pong
and date rape from what I hear.
Anyway, he's back
for the summer,
And he needs a job.
You're a hard worker,
but...
Blood is blood.
- When's junior back?
That's it?
- I'll call you
if anything big comes up,
And we need
some extra hands.
- We're almost done here.
Now get your wife dressed,
and go have a nice dinner.
Hmm?
Someplace expensive.
I'll come
and join you later.
- I only have one shoe.
- Take a pair
of marco's.
He always had good taste
in footwear.
- No, just toss it in
with the rest.
- It was stupid.
You know, I've spent
too many saturdays
Stuck on a bus
going downstate
To get felt up
by dyke prison guards.
No school science project
is worth going to jail for.
- Not for school.
- What, were you gonna pawn it?
- Nope.
- Sell it on ebay?
- No.
Gonna teach some arrogant,
college wapanese assholes
Not to fuck
with the south side.
[electricity humming]
- [giggling]
Sure, you are.
- What the fuck?
[punk music on radio]
♪
- [whistles]
[speaking spanish]
- You know,
a fast moving current
Can knock a grown man
right off his feet.
- [speaking spanish]
- Did you see anaconda?
- Hey! Shh!
Just keep moving, all right?
[speaking spanish]
- That was central america.
Okay, I'm going.
[voices inside]
- What's that?
- It's a miniature mars rover.
I'm mounting
a helium-neon laser on it.
- We're gonna blow shit up
with it.
- Hey!
Language.
- Oh, hey, final notice
on the property tax.
You going down there
tomorrow?
- Later.
- Where you going?
- Study group.
- No dinner?
- No jimmy.
- No cookies
after school either.
- He wasn't here
when you came home from school?
- No, and his beamer's
still out front.
Want me to open
a can of tuna?
- Sure.
- Would you mind
getting that one for me?
[indistinct chatter]
- Whiskey.
I need whiskey.
- Shh.
- We have to stay hydrated.
- The sun's almost down.
It's not hot.
- How much further?
- 20 miles
to the rendezvous.
- How far have we gone so far?
- Two. [speaking spanish]
- Could we stop
for a second?
I think I'm getting
a blister.
No, seriously.
I'm wearing the wrong shoes.
Anybody have a band-aid?
- [shouting in spanish]
[wild yaks' tomahawk]
- ♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
- Shit.
- ♪ what?
- ♪ must I look inside?
- ♪ no
- ♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
- Ah, jesus.
- ♪ my tomahawk back
♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
- Okay, okay.
- ♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
- American!
American!
I'm an american.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- ♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
- Did you check
the hospitals today?
- No frank.
Okay, debs, come on.
Time for bed.
He'll come back, debs.
Frank's like scabies.
You can't get rid of him
no matter how hard you try.
[knocking on door]
[sighs]
Bedtime.
Ian?
Mandy?
- Yeah, her dad's mixing vodka
and speedballs again, so...
- You being smart?
Lost my job today.
- What,
you fucking the boss?
- Nah. Nepotism.
Nephew.
- Hey, uh...
We gonna have enough
for the property tax bill?
- Just.
With the check I got today.
Where you been?
- I just ran into a friend,
grabbed dinner.
- What are you doing?
- Just burning my clothes.
- Why?
- Ah, you don't need to know.
- I don't?
- Nope.
[sighs]
Take a shower.
Scrub my back?
- You want me to scrub
your back?
[alternative music]
[giggling]
- ♪ waiting there for me
[both laughing]
Both: Oh!
- ♪ I won't ever
be alone again ♪
♪ someday in the future
- Mmm.
No, no.
Use euler's.
- Where? Here?
- Oh, come on.
Cosine "x."
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey.
Catch.
Open it.
- What is it?
- Gps wrist unit.
For your rotc
orienting weekends.
You know,
so you know where you are.
- We're supposed to learn that
off of maps and stuff.
- Oh, come on.
They teaching you how to use
a sextant too?
Modern infantry officers
have, like, a grand worth
Of satellite gear
in their packs.
- We need
to learn how though
In case we get separated
from our unit
Or all that fancy equipment
Breaks down
in a harsh environment.
- Aw, come on.
Just take it.
- I sort of have
a boyfriend.
- Well,
I sorta have a wife.
- He's been gone
for a while,
But he's going to be back
in a couple of weeks.
- Young or old?
- Young.
- Ah.
You up
for a threesome, hmm?
I mean, an old guy
can dream, can't he?
- [laughing]
keep dreaming.
[both laughing]
come here.
- Who needs more eggs?
- Me, please!
- You came in awfully late
for a school night.
- Trig test in a couple weeks,
you know.
- Ha!
Wow. Couldn't find
your pants?
- I already
made them lunches.
What time do you have
to be at work?
- Laid off.
- Well, that's all right.
I mean, you hated that job.
- Didn't hate the money.
Time to get back in bed
when the kids leave?
- Oh, I wish.
I can't, I have a meeting.
Bus is leaving!
Dishes in the sink!
Mandy, do you need a ride?
- Sure, if you got room.
- All right.
- Meeting with who?
- Old friend from last night.
- Old friend
have a name?
- Arnando.
We used to work together.
He came to town
unexpectedly.
- Used to work together
doing what?
- Butcher shop.
Debbie,
milk in the fridge!
All right,
train's leaving!
Mandy!
Get in the back.
Let's go.
Are you guys ready?
You're good? You're good?
Hey, just, uh...
I'll be back,
just don't make the bed.
- Let's go, jimmy!
- [speaking spanish]
- What now?
- Now you go away.
- What, that's it?
You're just gonna give up?
- Hey, I'm thirsty.
- You a quitter, manuel?
- What?
- A quitter?
Little baby quitter?
I'll give you $1,000.
- You already promised
to give me five.
That or let me cut out
a kidney to sell.
- Well, that was
before I realized
That you were
a little pansy quitter.
Ah!
- [speaking spanish]
- Now that is the spirit
that I've been looking for,
But let's channel it
into something constructive,
Like getting me
on the other side
Of the rio grande.
- How bad do you want
to get back?
- It's "badly,"
but yes, bad!
- Come, amigo.
Let me introduce you
to my friend el cuchillo.
- El cuchillo.
- Yeah.
- Cuchillo. Cuchillo.
- Let's go.
- The knife?
- Your sister
doesn't like me.
- No, she's just worried
I'm gonna knock you up,
Doesn't want any more
gallagher mouths to feed.
- I'm not my mom.
13 with my brother
on her hip.
- 13, huh?
- 12 when she got pregnant.
[grinding]
- What the hell is that?
- This?
This is a helium-neon laser.
Now I'm gonna perform lasix on
near-sighted neighborhood kids.
50 bucks a pop.
- What are you doing
this summer?
- Probably pretty much
what I did last summer--
Drink too much beer,
smoke a lot of weed.
- Yeah.
Well, that ain't gonna work.
You got to pad your resume for
your college apps this summer.
You're a poor kid
from the south side.
And you got a 4.6,
and that's great,
But you're gonna need
a full ride.
What's so goddamn funny?
- No, it's just, um...
Why does everyone think
I'm going to college?
- Dummy,
you are going to college,
And you're gonna graduate.
And then you're gonna
get your master's
And your doctorate.
And then you're gonna make
a boatload of money.
Just spend the summer
padding this resume.
- Uh...
Doing what?
- I don't give a shit.
Teach brain-damaged kids
how to make plastic explosives
Or the blind
how to blow glass.
- You know what,
I already have my sights set
On a few hundred hours
of community service.
- Okay.
That's good.
Get it done.
- Courtesy of cook county
juvenile court system.
- You've got a 4.6?
My gpa is, like, 1.2.
How smart are you?
- You find anything?
- Nothing I can get with a ged.
- Go to malcolm x.
Take some nurses aide classes
or something.
You got jimmy playing mr. Mom,
Might as well
take advantage of it.
- This aunt jemima scarf
too much?
- You gonna be topless?
- Yeah.
- No one's gonna be
looking at your head.
How much does
community college cost?
- Nothing. Take out of shitload
of student loans,
Then bail on the feds
once you get your degree.
- Bookkeeping,
accounting,
X-ray technician,
dental hygienist.
- Yech, I get grossed out
just flossing my teeth.
- I've been shoveling sewage
for the last month.
Computer programming.
Drug and alcohol
rehab counselor!
I definitely have the practical
experience for that one.
Crap.
Need a bunch
of psych prerequisites first.
- Why don't you take the civil
service exam and get on the itc?
- Drive a bus?
- Hey, pension,
health care, paid vacations.
Or there's the post office.
- Uniforms are for shit.
Everyone looks like they have
a dick in those pants.
- Oh, wow, a lot of people
queuing up online for this.
This might just work!
- Club's gonna open up
the outdoor patio soon,
Maybe meg would give me
another shot at managing
Or at least get
my old job back.
- Slinging appletinis?
You didn't need
to get your ged
To shake your titties
and collect tips from frat boys.
- The money's good,
And it doesn't require
prerequisites.
- Requires a couple.
Can you set up the camera,
please?
We're ready to go.
- Who are you supposed to be?
- Thomas jefferson.
Okay, miss sally.
Get your revenge
For me raping you
in the slave quarters.
- Master.
- Ah!
Ooh.
- Get down,
you white motherfucker.
Get in there.
Ah!
Yeah, now get that ass.
Munch it, munch it!
Do the alphabet.
We shall overcome,
motherfucker.
Get in there!
We shall overcome!
[screaming]
[motor starting]
- Get on.
- Hey, meg.
How are you?
Fiona...
Gallagher.
- Sure.
How you been?
- Thought I'd stop by,
See if you were staffing up
for summer yet.
- Patio's not open
till memorial day,
But if you want to push
cocktails in 6-inch heels,
I can always use another
pretty girl for the summer.
- I was hoping you'd give me
a shot at assistant managing
Like we discussed
last fall.
Congrats.
- Yeah.
- I know I screwed you over
last time.
It's a family thing,
my mother was really--
- I get it.
You have it tough.
But fool me once,
shame on you.
Fool me twice--
- I won't let you down again.
Come on, give me one night
to show you what I can do.
You won't regret it.
- Give me
a thousand bucks.
I'll find you a night
to promote.
- Promote?
- Yeah.
You take over the club,
do it all.
How about Tuesday the 15th?
- Next week?
- Show me what you got.
- I don't have $1,000.
- So I'll pencil you in
to work the patio.
Give me a call mid-may,
and keep the weight off.
- [speaks portuguese]
- Mimosa?
- Uh, sure.
- A man has few things
of real value in this life.
His family,
his friends.
His ability to honor
his commitment,
The value
of his word.
Eat, please.
I believe
the only true measure of a man
Is his willingness to accept
responsibility for his actions.
Don't you agree?
- We're here.
- Beautiful,
very peaceful.
The great lakes, right?
- Uh, lake michigan.
- How many great lakes
are there?
- Uh, five.
- I knew the great lakes
were big,
But I never imagined
they would be this big.
Just like a sea.
Surprisingly heavy for a man
with so few brains.
[speaking portuguese]
So, steve...
Are you a man capable
of honoring your commitments?
Are you a man
of your word?
[men speaking spanish]
- Cuchillo!
[speaking spanish]
- So...
You are an american, eh?
- Yeah.
- Wanting to go home?
But you have no papers.
- No, see,
we were sort of partying.
- Say "ah."
- Ah.
Ah, ah. Ah.
- [speaking spanish]
- good?
Whoa! No, amigo,
I'm not that kind of girl.
Jesus!
Okay, okay, fellas,
I'm really kinda getting
skeeved out here.
Uh...
[men speaking spanish]
- Can I--can I take them--
- good luck, [speaking spanish].
- What happened to people
paying you when you do the work?
- It was just her way
of telling me to go fuck myself.
What really pissed me off
was how she just assumed
That I couldn't come up
with the money.
Smug bitch.
- Well, we did all right today
on that master-slave thing.
I could loan you the money
if you want.
- No.
That's okay.
I love you, but...
You gotta save up
for when you have a baby.
- What about jimmy?
- He's being weird.
Meg's right.
I am a loser.
One more ghetto girl
who thinks she's the shit.
I can't manage a club.
- What's that, self-pity?
- No, reality.
I'll take
the civil service exam,
Clean bus shelter trash barrels
for the city.
- Hey!
You're fiona gallagher.
You can do anything
you set your mind to.
You got your ged.
You've been raising a family of
six since you were 15 years old.
You're a rock star,
and meg's a frigid bitch.
What's that?
- My final paycheck.
- Looks like
this battle is almost over.
Ooh!
The red robotron
is in trouble.
[cheers and applause]
Scorpio vies for the win.
- Back for yet another round of
ritual humiliation, gallagher?
- Finally gonna win this time,
goff.
- College entrants only today,
it was on the website.
Or don't you have internet
down at mlk charter?
- What's the matter, goff?
You afraid a teenager is gonna
kick the shit out of one
Of your half-assed bucket
of bolts?
- [chortling] your engineering
can't compete
At the black bot championship
trophy level, gallagher.
- Who'd you steal your designs
from this time?
Was it carnegie mellon
or m.I.T.?
- Entry fee is 150,
and we don't take food stamps.
- This match,
Scorpio bot
Versus the impaler.
Let the battle begin.
Ooh!
The impaler strikes.
Scorpio bot is down.
The impaler wins!
- Piece of cake.
[upbeat music]
♪
- ♪ gotta be up
♪ gotta be up and on
♪ 'cause nobody loves you
♪ when you're wearing
a frown ♪
♪ nobody loves you
- [chuckling]
- ♪ when you're wearing
a frown ♪
♪
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
How am I supposed
to swallow that?
- Who said anything
about swallowing?
[latin music]
♪
- She's always been
a problem.
It's been a relief
to have her
Out of the house
these last months.
She was wrecking my marriage.
Pull!
[gunshot, gun cocks]
You lied to me, steve.
- Yes, well--
But I thought--
- You told me you were going
to look after her.
- Yes, well--
- pull!
I'm sure it's been difficult.
She's a bright girl.
But I spoil her.
I grew up poor,
you know.
I want her to have things
I didn't have in the favela--
An education, food...
A toilet.
Pull!
[gunshot]
[speaking portuguese]
I've arranged
for estefania
To pursue
an economics degree
Here at the university
of chicago.
I want her to be
an american citizen, steve.
When immigration comes...
You will be her husband.
Pull!
Do you think you can do that
for me, steve?
Can I trust you?
- Absolutely.
- But that means
you can't get into any trouble.
No stolen cars, no drugs.
- How am I supposed
to make a living?
- Get a job.
And the slum girl--
fiona, yes?
You can fuck her all you want
for fun,
But you're a married man now.
She stays what she is--
a ghetto whore.
- In this corner,
the terror of northwestern u...
Preda raptor.
And in this corner,
Representing the south side,
Frank!
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's get ready to rum-bot!
[rock music]
♪
- Next.
- Thank you.
- Passport.
- Let's battle.
Ooh!
Frank is in trouble early.
- Fry the fucker,
come on.
- Oh! Frank gets away!
Ooh!
- Get outta there! Get out!
- What are you doing?
- Frank gets loose!
Preda raptor.
- Come on, come on.
- Go! Go, go, go!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Now.
- Frank is on the run.
[beep]
Oh, it looks like
frank is down for the count.
- Get outta the way!
- Get out!
- Go! Go!
- I got it! I got it!
- Preda raptor,
coming for the kill.
[cheers and applause]
It won't be long now.
All: [chanting] preda raptor!
Preda raptor!
Preda raptor! Preda raptor!
Preda raptor!
[chanting dies,
buzzing]
[cheers and applause]
- He did it!
He...Did...It.
We have a new champion!
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome home,
mr. Duncan.
- Ah.
- Jack!
Jack!
Just keep walking.
No trouble?
- They just waved me
right through.
- El gran canon
in person.
El gran canon,
your new nickname.
You're already a legend.
18 balloons.
We've never had
more than eight up one ass.
You have more coke
up your anus
Than any drug mule
in cartel history.
- It's like
taking a shit backwards.
- Ex-lax.
Normally, I would say take two,
But for you,
maybe the whole box.
[engine starts]
[engine revs]
- Okay. All right, cool.
So you're just gonna play
The same playlist
that you did last night?
Awesome.
- Tuesday the 15th.
- See you later.
- $1,000.
It's all there.
- No, I'm sure it is.
But, you know, look.
Promoting a new night
is difficult.
I should've explained to you--
- I want the club.
- You've got a bunch
of kids at home.
I don't think that you should--
- do I have the club or not?
- Okay.
You're on the calendar.
[indistinct chatter]
- Okay, hey, grab two.
- All right.
- Hey, beautiful!
Dinner's almost ready!
- Oh, jesus, jimmy!
You always gotta monitor carl
when he's online.
- Okay.
Sure.
I'm sorry.
What the hell
were you watching?
- History channel.
- Dinner!
- Where were you all day?
- I was, you know,
running errands...
This and that.
How was your day?
- Remember meg
from the club?
She's gonna give me
my own night to promote.
- That's great!
[cheering]
- Yeah!
- You won?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, nothing left
but smoke and metal
And bruised geek egos.
- Yeah, plus 400 bucks
cash prize for first place.
Thought I could help out
a little bit
With the property tax bill.
Do you want me
to run the payment
Down to the post office
before school?
- No, I got it.
- That's still daddy's spot.
Anything at the hospitals?
- I forgot to check today, debs.
I'll call after dinner, okay?
- All right,
here we go, guys!
Dinner's served.
Can we make way over here?
- Thank you, billy!
[overlapping chatter]
- It's like
a miniature rover...
- Yeah, some of that.
All right, so...
- Robot war.
It's like--
it's like cage fighting,
Like octagon rings and...
[talking stops]
- [whispering]
daddy.
Daddy!
[talking resumes]
- [grunting]
[grunting, exhales]
Agh!
[packet hits water]
[sighs]
- ♪ well, I've been fooled
♪ I fooled around
♪ no sense to lie
♪ about where I'm bound
- 19!
[chuckles]
Thank you, sheila!
- ♪ but once it's light
and we're home ♪
♪ won't be no time to burn
♪ burn through the night
♪ throw me away
♪ ten shovels deep
♪ on mother's day
♪ but once it's light
and we're home ♪
♪ won't be no time to burn
♪ the names in the fridge
gonna have to wait their turn ♪
what happened last year?
School. Now.
- I dropped out.
You'll get your diploma,
I'll get mine.
- What you doing?
- Studying.
- You taking your ged?
All right, fi!
- Estefania.
Fiona.
- You married
a druglord's daughter?
- I'm not in love with her.
- That's good, 'cause she
doesn't love you either.
She's got this other guy.
Marco...Somebody.
- Marco, you're me now.
Take my identity.
And if este's dad
comes looking for you,
She'll still be married
to steve wilton.
- We can't have sex anymore.
- I'm pretty sure
that jody's gonna propose.
- You're better than this guy,
karen.
- Stay the fuck away from me,
And stay the fuck away
from this baby!
- Is it all right
if I stay over tonight?
- Couldn't go 12 hours
without seeing me, could you?
- Went to the clinic today,
said me having kids...
Not likely.
- No one said
that we have to stop trying.
- Hello, boys.
- We got nothing
to be ashamed of.
- What fucking world
do you live in?
- Officer,
oink, oink!
- Get on the ground!
- This violate my probation?
- Shut up!
- [laughing]
- [screams]
- Is it the baby?
- No!
It's you!
Get out!
- I really am so sorry
about all of this with karen.
You deserve better.
- Congratulations, my boy.
You hit the jackpot.
- Frank!
- What?
- I think you should go.
- Why don't you just live
at your real home
With your real family?
- I don't like them,
and they don't like me.
- Hey, stop that!
Hey, hey!
Please just go.
Leave.
- Mind if I sleep here
for the night?
- Hey, that's no problem
for me.
- Back to being a legal resident
around here, steve?
- His name is jimmy now.
Steve was just an alias he used
to lie to me
About who he really was.
I wanna meet your family.
- Sorry to be late.
- These are fiona's brothers,
carl and ian.
- Do they know you're gay?
- I'm not gay.
- Really?
- [screaming]
- it's coming! It's coming!
- Doctor.
- What's wrong with him?
- He has down's syndrome, debs.
- Yeah, and he's asian.
- Take it back to the hospital.
Somebody will want it.
- I want it.
- It's me or the baby.
- The baby, sweetheart.
- Know you're gonna
regret this.
- I love you.
- Are you gonna leave?
- No.
- Everybody always leaves.
- I won't.
[high strung's
the luck you got]
♪
- ♪ think of all the luck
you got ♪
♪ know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
♪
♪ round up the friends
you got ♪
♪ know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing
once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside
♪ that you speak of?
♪ what is this feeling
♪ you're so sure of?
[ad libs from kitchen]
[indie rock music]
♪
- Morning, sunshine.
- Why didn't you wake me up?
I gotta make lunches
before work.
- Already done.
Carl.
My man, would you like
some more french toast?
- Uh-huh.
- Lip and ian?
- Already fed
and gone.
- Why are you eating
a popsicle for breakfast?
- Jimmy said it was okay.
- I've got your smoothie
ready to go.
- Where's debbie?
- Out front like always.
♪
- Morning, debs.
- 137 days.
- When I was nine,
he was gone for a year.
He always comes back.
- Lunch.
- He'll be back, debs.
He always comes back.
- Hey, [speaking spanish].
Hey!
[speaking spanish]
[speaking spanish]
Hey!
[speaking spanish]
[speaking spanish]
- all right.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
Hey.
Help me?
- [speaking spanish]
you need help?
- Yes, thank you.
Where am I?
- Juarez.
- Mexico?
- [speaking spanish]
- Did I miss christmas?
- Christmas?
You almost missed easter.
- There's an escalade
parked across the street
With someone in it.
- Oh?
- It's nice.
Still has its hubcaps.
I think it was there
yesterday too.
Popsicle for breakfast?
- Carl's teeth hurt.
- Yeah, 'cause he's eating
popsicles for breakfast.
Did he brush
before he left for school?
- Yeah, think so.
- Did you check his toothbrush
to see if it was wet?
- Mm,
I was hoping
That you'd still be in bed
When the kids left
for school.
- I have to work.
- You've got five minutes.
- Five?
- I'll make it ten
if I focus
On the white sox box scores
or something.
- Liam?
- Just plop him down in front
of the wiggles,
He's good for hours.
- I can't be late.
I can't be late!
I need the cash
for the property tax bill.
- [sniffs]
- Please don't tell my kids
They can do things
they know they can't.
- Your kids?
- A popsicle?
- So I'm just the nanny?
I can feed them,
change them,
But when carl
wants a second popsicle--
- Second popsicle?
- Didn't like the first one.
Banana.
- His teeth are gonna rot
out of his head.
We just spent 2 grand
on his braces.
- We?
- What?
- Not...We.
Me.
I paid for carl's braces.
- No more popsicles
for breakfast, okay?
Lip and ian
left early?
- They said they had to pick
something up downtown
Before school.
- Downtown?
- What they said.
- Pick up what?
- Go, go, go, go!
- When you said you had access
to the building,
I thought you meant
through a door!
- I may have fudged
on that a bit.
- Hey! Stop!
- Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
- Okay, stop!
Out of the way!
Stop it!
Watch it!
- Jesus, what ever happened
to fat, doughnut-eating cops?
Now they're all triathletes.
Jesus.
- Catch!
- The tall prick looks good
for another 10 miles.
- Aah!
Shit!
Ditch out at the street,
yeah?
- Wait, wait, wait!
Maybe they'll give up.
- What are you doing?
Shit, shit!
Whoa!
Whoa.
- Right there!
Hold it!
- No way west point takes you
with a felony conviction.
- Hey!
- Catch you
at the courthouse later?
- Don't be stupid!
- Call mandy, all right?
Milkovich has gotta have
a good bail-bondsman.
- [screams]
[baby fussing]
- Baby.
[baby crying]
Baby.
It's your turn.
I know you're awake.
You're making
that fakey sleep sound.
I was up at 3:00 and 5:00.
Get your ass up,
You goddamn pony-tailed
fabio motherfucker!
- What?
- Get your goddamn ass
out of this bed!
It's your fucking turn!
- Is someone tearing
his flesh off?
You sure
this ferber dude knows
What the hell
he's talking about?
- Go!
[crying stops]
- ♪ hush, little baby,
don't say a word ♪
[crying continues,
drumming]
♪ papa's gonna buy you
a mockingbird ♪
♪ if that mockingbird
don't sing ♪
- Stop it!
- [singing in spanish]
♪
- Passport, please.
♪
- [sighs]
- Aw, come on, man.
- Excuse me.
Medi-medi-medical emergency.
Good morning.
- Passport?
- Ah, yeah, um...
No.
Must have left 'em
in my other pants.
But I'm an american citizen.
Chi-town, born and raised.
- No passport, no entry.
- What?
Since when?
- Since al qaeda decided
americans needed killing.
- See, here's the thing,
Agent tacker.
You look like a man
Who occasionally enjoys
a malt beverage,
So you can understand,
Every once in a while,
A couple of drinks
can get out of hand.
But when it happens,
the next morning,
You have to pick yourself up,
dust yourself off,
And get right back
on the horse.
Am I right,
or am I right?
Just let me cross.
I won't tell anyone.
I promise.
- You got
a driver's license?
Any form of photo I.D.?
Costco card?
- Do I look
like I've got a costco card?
- You look like you need
a course of penicillin
And a lice comb.
Call home,
Get somebody to send you
some kind of photo I.D.,
So we can use it to make you
a temporary passport.
Get cleaned up.
We're not letting you
into the country,
So you can add to texas'
homeless population.
Next!
[latin music continues]
♪
- [urinating]
Ahh.
[stops urinating]
[continues urinating]
- He just walks in,
doesn't even bother to knock!
- That's nothing.
Last night, kev waltzes in,
Does his sit-down business
while I'm taking a bath.
- Only one bathroom.
Had to go.
- We have another bathroom,
But jimmy can't be bothered
to go downstairs?
- Kev once did
his poopy business
While I was brushing
my teeth.
- Only one bathroom.
- Can I steal some of this?
- Sure.
- Yesterday,
I caught him vacuuming
And watching rachel ray.
- Kev doesn't even know
what a vacuum is.
- Sure, I do.
Outer space.
Dude in armageddon
got sucked
Right out of his space suit,
exploded.
Nice overalls.
- $14.50 an hour.
You haven't lived till
you've vacuumed up toxic waste.
- Hey, what do you think?
Am I camera ready or what?
Both: Ow!
- [grunting]
- my man.
My topless web traffic
is way down.
Too many girls ironing.
If we're going to have a kid,
I need to save up money
For when my tits
are the size of watermelons.
- There's probably a market
for pervs
Who want to see
a woman nursing.
- Kev's worried our kid might
find these online one day.
- Whoo! Shit on the net
never goes away.
Kev junior's gonna be surfing
the net for porn one day
And see his mama's
big titties and get hungry.
- So we're trying
a new web thing.
- Couple act.
Master and slave.
Wah!
- You gonna do it
in a cast?
- Hey, man's gotta eat.
- That is so wrong.
- It's educational.
By acting out a scene
from the old plantation,
We're providing content
for an internet audience
That embraces a truthful
reenactment of our past.
- It's racist and wrong!
- Which is
why it's gonna make money
'cause this country
is racist.
- What's that all about?
- The place we were working
yesterday
Had a couple billion fleas.
Jimmy doesn't really
do anything.
He just hangs around the house
all day with liam,
Making smoothies, acting
like he's the kids' new dad.
- So he's vacuuming, cooking,
and changing dirty diapers,
And you're still pissed.
I thought that's
what you ladies wanted
Is shared housework.
Wage equality
and all that hunger games,
Lady gaga
girl power shit.
- We say it,
but we don't mean it.
There is nothing sexy
about a man with a mop.
[tv prelap]
- I don't know, tell us.
- At least give us a hint.
- Okay.
- Hey, my man.
[guitar plays on tv]
- huh?
[muffled tv dialogue]
- I know--by singing words,
it will be fun.
Learning to read...
- Oh, my man.
- That's right, chip.
You guessed it.
- Living with someone
is hard.
When's the last time
you were with a guy
For longer than a few weeks?
- Pshh. Never.
- Wha--
- And how long you been living
with jimmy, three months?
- Four.
- Boring happens.
We all get bored.
It'll pass.
He'll stop being boring
again soon.
- ♪ up, up, up,
chip likes to soar ♪
♪ then down, down, down
- ♪ let's learn some more
- ♪ come over here
♪ then come with me
♪ go over there
[muffled song on tv]
[engine starts]
[tires screeching]
[portuguese commands]
[grunting]
- Well, hello, steve.
- Nando.
[speaks portuguese]
- Where is she, steve?
- Where's who?
- Estefania, steve.
My daughter.
Your wife.
- Oh.
[rock music]
♪
- What are we doing today?
- Biohazard.
- Listen up.
Sewer main backed up.
Sent effluent geysering
out their basement toilet.
Got a few blocks
of raw sewage down there.
Better grab the waders.
- [vocalizing]
♪
- Bullshit! Bullshit!
It's fucking bullshit!
Motherfucking asshole son
of a bitch was fucking with me!
- Philip ronan gallagher.
Breaking and entering,
grand theft,
Assaulting
two law enforcement officers.
- Uh, campus security,
your honor.
I mean, can rent-a-cops
really be counted
As law enforcement officers?
- It's been, what,
a couple of months?
- Almost a year,
your honor.
- Turn a new leaf
or just dumb luck?
- No, walking the straight
and narrow, your honor.
Thanks to the wise counsel
and guidance
Previously provided
by this court.
- Are you mocking me,
philip?
- No, your honor,
absolutely not.
You know, I have nothing
but respect for this court
And for the rule of law
that it represents.
You know, the rights
that we've derived
From over 900 years
of fealty
To the magna carta
are the only things standing
Between us and the anarchy
of mob rule.
- Hmm. Still a minor.
What a shame.
The defendant before you
beat a co-worker to death
With a nail-studded 2x4
For finishing the coffee
and not starting a new pot.
You show up in this court again
as an adult,
I'll make sure
he's your cell mate.
How do you plead?
- Not guilty...
Your honor.
- Set a date for prelim.
$500 bond.
- [computerized female voice]
please say "collect."
Calling card, third number,
or enter your--
- Collect.
- Please say your name.
- Frank.
- Thank you.
- [sighs]
Oh, boy.
[rock music]
♪
- [vocalizing]
[phone ringing]
♪
- What's it mean
when there's a plus sign
In front of the number?
- International call.
Probably some nigerian
calling to tell you
You won a million bucks.
[line trilling]
[dial tone]
- [exclaims]
- Daddy!
Daddy.
Daddy!
Daddy?
Daddy?
Frank?
Daddy?
Daddy?
- [speaking spanish on tv]
- Frank!
He's not here.
- No cookies.
Jimmy didn't make
any cookies.
- Estefania and I occasionally
spend time on the south side,
Helping a friend
look after her siblings.
It's a tragic story, really--
mom's gone, dad's a drunk.
- Out.
- Okay.
Thank you.
How you do--
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ah.
Yeah, yeah, got ya.
- If he tries to run,
shoot him.
- You know, I was surprised
to see you in the states
Because I thought that the dea
had you on a watch list.
- They do.
So you can imagine how happy
I am to come here, steve.
[door buzzer]
- [speaks portuguese]
Stevie, you home!
How was your trip?
Your plane safe?
- Save it.
He knows.
Her english
is getting good, right?
- Heh.
- Hey, sweetheart.
You.
- No, [speaks portuguese]!
No, [speaks portuguese]!
No, no!
[crying]
No!
No!
No!
[gunshots]
[crying]
[baby crying]
- You can buy baby food
at the food 4 less, sweetie.
- They put artificial coloring
and preservatives in that crap.
- [groaning]
[phone ringing]
Yeah, but the carrots
gave him gas.
- No, that was the peas
and eggplant.
Won't do that again.
[baby crying]
[phone ringing]
- Aww.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Hello?
- You have a collect call.
- Collect? Yes.
Yes.
Karen? Sweetie?
- Karen?
She okay?
- Sheils, honey,
it's frank.
- Frank who?
- Frank frank.
Listen, sheils,
here's the situation.
I'm out of the country
on business,
And it's the craziest thing.
Someone stole all my money
and my passport.
Aw, shit!
Shit!
- Hey, hey!
Trouble, [speaking spanish]?
- What?
- Maybe I could help.
[alarm buzzes]
- Here he comes.
- Been up to see mickey?
- Nah, I sent him some
girl-on-girl porn last week.
It's the only thing
he ever wants.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Thanks, man.
How you doing?
Hey.
Mwah!
Gah! What the fuck?
- Asshole.
- What the hell's that about?
- Wasn't too happy to hear
about you getting caught.
- Oh.
- How'd it go?
- Public defender thinks I can
get off with community service
If we take the laser back.
Underprivileged kid
trying to gain access
To scientific equipment
he doesn't have
At his ghetto-ass,
underfunded high school.
Hey, uh,
thanks for bailing me out.
- All mandy.
She used
her dad's line of credit
At bad bob's bonds.
- Miss a hearing,
and my dad will come after you
With a linoleum knife
and a bucket of battery acid.
- Hey.
- You knew about this.
- Absolutely not.
I'm shocked and humiliated
by this betrayal.
I can't believe it.
How could she be
unfaithful to me
After everything
we've been through?
- Better safe than sorry.
- Well...
Looks like you don't need me
around here anymore.
- Put some gloves on.
You get to hold his foot
while I cut.
[estefania crying]
- Fiona.
Burrito?
Warmed it on the septic
truck engine, works great.
- Uh, no, thanks.
- So my lazy-ass nephew,
my brother howie's kid
With the big head.
You remember him from school?
- Howie jr., sure!
- Anyway, he's back from college
for the summer--
- Howie jr.'s in college?
- Wrestling scholarship.
Majoring in beer pong
and date rape from what I hear.
Anyway, he's back
for the summer,
And he needs a job.
You're a hard worker,
but...
Blood is blood.
- When's junior back?
That's it?
- I'll call you
if anything big comes up,
And we need
some extra hands.
- We're almost done here.
Now get your wife dressed,
and go have a nice dinner.
Hmm?
Someplace expensive.
I'll come
and join you later.
- I only have one shoe.
- Take a pair
of marco's.
He always had good taste
in footwear.
- No, just toss it in
with the rest.
- It was stupid.
You know, I've spent
too many saturdays
Stuck on a bus
going downstate
To get felt up
by dyke prison guards.
No school science project
is worth going to jail for.
- Not for school.
- What, were you gonna pawn it?
- Nope.
- Sell it on ebay?
- No.
Gonna teach some arrogant,
college wapanese assholes
Not to fuck
with the south side.
[electricity humming]
- [giggling]
Sure, you are.
- What the fuck?
[punk music on radio]
♪
- [whistles]
[speaking spanish]
- You know,
a fast moving current
Can knock a grown man
right off his feet.
- [speaking spanish]
- Did you see anaconda?
- Hey! Shh!
Just keep moving, all right?
[speaking spanish]
- That was central america.
Okay, I'm going.
[voices inside]
- What's that?
- It's a miniature mars rover.
I'm mounting
a helium-neon laser on it.
- We're gonna blow shit up
with it.
- Hey!
Language.
- Oh, hey, final notice
on the property tax.
You going down there
tomorrow?
- Later.
- Where you going?
- Study group.
- No dinner?
- No jimmy.
- No cookies
after school either.
- He wasn't here
when you came home from school?
- No, and his beamer's
still out front.
Want me to open
a can of tuna?
- Sure.
- Would you mind
getting that one for me?
[indistinct chatter]
- Whiskey.
I need whiskey.
- Shh.
- We have to stay hydrated.
- The sun's almost down.
It's not hot.
- How much further?
- 20 miles
to the rendezvous.
- How far have we gone so far?
- Two. [speaking spanish]
- Could we stop
for a second?
I think I'm getting
a blister.
No, seriously.
I'm wearing the wrong shoes.
Anybody have a band-aid?
- [shouting in spanish]
[wild yaks' tomahawk]
- ♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
- Shit.
- ♪ what?
- ♪ must I look inside?
- ♪ no
- ♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
- Ah, jesus.
- ♪ my tomahawk back
♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
- Okay, okay.
- ♪ how do I get
my tomahawk back? ♪
- American!
American!
I'm an american.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- ♪ my tomahawk back,
my tomahawk back ♪
- Did you check
the hospitals today?
- No frank.
Okay, debs, come on.
Time for bed.
He'll come back, debs.
Frank's like scabies.
You can't get rid of him
no matter how hard you try.
[knocking on door]
[sighs]
Bedtime.
Ian?
Mandy?
- Yeah, her dad's mixing vodka
and speedballs again, so...
- You being smart?
Lost my job today.
- What,
you fucking the boss?
- Nah. Nepotism.
Nephew.
- Hey, uh...
We gonna have enough
for the property tax bill?
- Just.
With the check I got today.
Where you been?
- I just ran into a friend,
grabbed dinner.
- What are you doing?
- Just burning my clothes.
- Why?
- Ah, you don't need to know.
- I don't?
- Nope.
[sighs]
Take a shower.
Scrub my back?
- You want me to scrub
your back?
[alternative music]
[giggling]
- ♪ waiting there for me
[both laughing]
Both: Oh!
- ♪ I won't ever
be alone again ♪
♪ someday in the future
- Mmm.
No, no.
Use euler's.
- Where? Here?
- Oh, come on.
Cosine "x."
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey.
Catch.
Open it.
- What is it?
- Gps wrist unit.
For your rotc
orienting weekends.
You know,
so you know where you are.
- We're supposed to learn that
off of maps and stuff.
- Oh, come on.
They teaching you how to use
a sextant too?
Modern infantry officers
have, like, a grand worth
Of satellite gear
in their packs.
- We need
to learn how though
In case we get separated
from our unit
Or all that fancy equipment
Breaks down
in a harsh environment.
- Aw, come on.
Just take it.
- I sort of have
a boyfriend.
- Well,
I sorta have a wife.
- He's been gone
for a while,
But he's going to be back
in a couple of weeks.
- Young or old?
- Young.
- Ah.
You up
for a threesome, hmm?
I mean, an old guy
can dream, can't he?
- [laughing]
keep dreaming.
[both laughing]
come here.
- Who needs more eggs?
- Me, please!
- You came in awfully late
for a school night.
- Trig test in a couple weeks,
you know.
- Ha!
Wow. Couldn't find
your pants?
- I already
made them lunches.
What time do you have
to be at work?
- Laid off.
- Well, that's all right.
I mean, you hated that job.
- Didn't hate the money.
Time to get back in bed
when the kids leave?
- Oh, I wish.
I can't, I have a meeting.
Bus is leaving!
Dishes in the sink!
Mandy, do you need a ride?
- Sure, if you got room.
- All right.
- Meeting with who?
- Old friend from last night.
- Old friend
have a name?
- Arnando.
We used to work together.
He came to town
unexpectedly.
- Used to work together
doing what?
- Butcher shop.
Debbie,
milk in the fridge!
All right,
train's leaving!
Mandy!
Get in the back.
Let's go.
Are you guys ready?
You're good? You're good?
Hey, just, uh...
I'll be back,
just don't make the bed.
- Let's go, jimmy!
- [speaking spanish]
- What now?
- Now you go away.
- What, that's it?
You're just gonna give up?
- Hey, I'm thirsty.
- You a quitter, manuel?
- What?
- A quitter?
Little baby quitter?
I'll give you $1,000.
- You already promised
to give me five.
That or let me cut out
a kidney to sell.
- Well, that was
before I realized
That you were
a little pansy quitter.
Ah!
- [speaking spanish]
- Now that is the spirit
that I've been looking for,
But let's channel it
into something constructive,
Like getting me
on the other side
Of the rio grande.
- How bad do you want
to get back?
- It's "badly,"
but yes, bad!
- Come, amigo.
Let me introduce you
to my friend el cuchillo.
- El cuchillo.
- Yeah.
- Cuchillo. Cuchillo.
- Let's go.
- The knife?
- Your sister
doesn't like me.
- No, she's just worried
I'm gonna knock you up,
Doesn't want any more
gallagher mouths to feed.
- I'm not my mom.
13 with my brother
on her hip.
- 13, huh?
- 12 when she got pregnant.
[grinding]
- What the hell is that?
- This?
This is a helium-neon laser.
Now I'm gonna perform lasix on
near-sighted neighborhood kids.
50 bucks a pop.
- What are you doing
this summer?
- Probably pretty much
what I did last summer--
Drink too much beer,
smoke a lot of weed.
- Yeah.
Well, that ain't gonna work.
You got to pad your resume for
your college apps this summer.
You're a poor kid
from the south side.
And you got a 4.6,
and that's great,
But you're gonna need
a full ride.
What's so goddamn funny?
- No, it's just, um...
Why does everyone think
I'm going to college?
- Dummy,
you are going to college,
And you're gonna graduate.
And then you're gonna
get your master's
And your doctorate.
And then you're gonna make
a boatload of money.
Just spend the summer
padding this resume.
- Uh...
Doing what?
- I don't give a shit.
Teach brain-damaged kids
how to make plastic explosives
Or the blind
how to blow glass.
- You know what,
I already have my sights set
On a few hundred hours
of community service.
- Okay.
That's good.
Get it done.
- Courtesy of cook county
juvenile court system.
- You've got a 4.6?
My gpa is, like, 1.2.
How smart are you?
- You find anything?
- Nothing I can get with a ged.
- Go to malcolm x.
Take some nurses aide classes
or something.
You got jimmy playing mr. Mom,
Might as well
take advantage of it.
- This aunt jemima scarf
too much?
- You gonna be topless?
- Yeah.
- No one's gonna be
looking at your head.
How much does
community college cost?
- Nothing. Take out of shitload
of student loans,
Then bail on the feds
once you get your degree.
- Bookkeeping,
accounting,
X-ray technician,
dental hygienist.
- Yech, I get grossed out
just flossing my teeth.
- I've been shoveling sewage
for the last month.
Computer programming.
Drug and alcohol
rehab counselor!
I definitely have the practical
experience for that one.
Crap.
Need a bunch
of psych prerequisites first.
- Why don't you take the civil
service exam and get on the itc?
- Drive a bus?
- Hey, pension,
health care, paid vacations.
Or there's the post office.
- Uniforms are for shit.
Everyone looks like they have
a dick in those pants.
- Oh, wow, a lot of people
queuing up online for this.
This might just work!
- Club's gonna open up
the outdoor patio soon,
Maybe meg would give me
another shot at managing
Or at least get
my old job back.
- Slinging appletinis?
You didn't need
to get your ged
To shake your titties
and collect tips from frat boys.
- The money's good,
And it doesn't require
prerequisites.
- Requires a couple.
Can you set up the camera,
please?
We're ready to go.
- Who are you supposed to be?
- Thomas jefferson.
Okay, miss sally.
Get your revenge
For me raping you
in the slave quarters.
- Master.
- Ah!
Ooh.
- Get down,
you white motherfucker.
Get in there.
Ah!
Yeah, now get that ass.
Munch it, munch it!
Do the alphabet.
We shall overcome,
motherfucker.
Get in there!
We shall overcome!
[screaming]
[motor starting]
- Get on.
- Hey, meg.
How are you?
Fiona...
Gallagher.
- Sure.
How you been?
- Thought I'd stop by,
See if you were staffing up
for summer yet.
- Patio's not open
till memorial day,
But if you want to push
cocktails in 6-inch heels,
I can always use another
pretty girl for the summer.
- I was hoping you'd give me
a shot at assistant managing
Like we discussed
last fall.
Congrats.
- Yeah.
- I know I screwed you over
last time.
It's a family thing,
my mother was really--
- I get it.
You have it tough.
But fool me once,
shame on you.
Fool me twice--
- I won't let you down again.
Come on, give me one night
to show you what I can do.
You won't regret it.
- Give me
a thousand bucks.
I'll find you a night
to promote.
- Promote?
- Yeah.
You take over the club,
do it all.
How about Tuesday the 15th?
- Next week?
- Show me what you got.
- I don't have $1,000.
- So I'll pencil you in
to work the patio.
Give me a call mid-may,
and keep the weight off.
- [speaks portuguese]
- Mimosa?
- Uh, sure.
- A man has few things
of real value in this life.
His family,
his friends.
His ability to honor
his commitment,
The value
of his word.
Eat, please.
I believe
the only true measure of a man
Is his willingness to accept
responsibility for his actions.
Don't you agree?
- We're here.
- Beautiful,
very peaceful.
The great lakes, right?
- Uh, lake michigan.
- How many great lakes
are there?
- Uh, five.
- I knew the great lakes
were big,
But I never imagined
they would be this big.
Just like a sea.
Surprisingly heavy for a man
with so few brains.
[speaking portuguese]
So, steve...
Are you a man capable
of honoring your commitments?
Are you a man
of your word?
[men speaking spanish]
- Cuchillo!
[speaking spanish]
- So...
You are an american, eh?
- Yeah.
- Wanting to go home?
But you have no papers.
- No, see,
we were sort of partying.
- Say "ah."
- Ah.
Ah, ah. Ah.
- [speaking spanish]
- good?
Whoa! No, amigo,
I'm not that kind of girl.
Jesus!
Okay, okay, fellas,
I'm really kinda getting
skeeved out here.
Uh...
[men speaking spanish]
- Can I--can I take them--
- good luck, [speaking spanish].
- What happened to people
paying you when you do the work?
- It was just her way
of telling me to go fuck myself.
What really pissed me off
was how she just assumed
That I couldn't come up
with the money.
Smug bitch.
- Well, we did all right today
on that master-slave thing.
I could loan you the money
if you want.
- No.
That's okay.
I love you, but...
You gotta save up
for when you have a baby.
- What about jimmy?
- He's being weird.
Meg's right.
I am a loser.
One more ghetto girl
who thinks she's the shit.
I can't manage a club.
- What's that, self-pity?
- No, reality.
I'll take
the civil service exam,
Clean bus shelter trash barrels
for the city.
- Hey!
You're fiona gallagher.
You can do anything
you set your mind to.
You got your ged.
You've been raising a family of
six since you were 15 years old.
You're a rock star,
and meg's a frigid bitch.
What's that?
- My final paycheck.
- Looks like
this battle is almost over.
Ooh!
The red robotron
is in trouble.
[cheers and applause]
Scorpio vies for the win.
- Back for yet another round of
ritual humiliation, gallagher?
- Finally gonna win this time,
goff.
- College entrants only today,
it was on the website.
Or don't you have internet
down at mlk charter?
- What's the matter, goff?
You afraid a teenager is gonna
kick the shit out of one
Of your half-assed bucket
of bolts?
- [chortling] your engineering
can't compete
At the black bot championship
trophy level, gallagher.
- Who'd you steal your designs
from this time?
Was it carnegie mellon
or m.I.T.?
- Entry fee is 150,
and we don't take food stamps.
- This match,
Scorpio bot
Versus the impaler.
Let the battle begin.
Ooh!
The impaler strikes.
Scorpio bot is down.
The impaler wins!
- Piece of cake.
[upbeat music]
♪
- ♪ gotta be up
♪ gotta be up and on
♪ 'cause nobody loves you
♪ when you're wearing
a frown ♪
♪ nobody loves you
- [chuckling]
- ♪ when you're wearing
a frown ♪
♪
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
How am I supposed
to swallow that?
- Who said anything
about swallowing?
[latin music]
♪
- She's always been
a problem.
It's been a relief
to have her
Out of the house
these last months.
She was wrecking my marriage.
Pull!
[gunshot, gun cocks]
You lied to me, steve.
- Yes, well--
But I thought--
- You told me you were going
to look after her.
- Yes, well--
- pull!
I'm sure it's been difficult.
She's a bright girl.
But I spoil her.
I grew up poor,
you know.
I want her to have things
I didn't have in the favela--
An education, food...
A toilet.
Pull!
[gunshot]
[speaking portuguese]
I've arranged
for estefania
To pursue
an economics degree
Here at the university
of chicago.
I want her to be
an american citizen, steve.
When immigration comes...
You will be her husband.
Pull!
Do you think you can do that
for me, steve?
Can I trust you?
- Absolutely.
- But that means
you can't get into any trouble.
No stolen cars, no drugs.
- How am I supposed
to make a living?
- Get a job.
And the slum girl--
fiona, yes?
You can fuck her all you want
for fun,
But you're a married man now.
She stays what she is--
a ghetto whore.
- In this corner,
the terror of northwestern u...
Preda raptor.
And in this corner,
Representing the south side,
Frank!
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's get ready to rum-bot!
[rock music]
♪
- Next.
- Thank you.
- Passport.
- Let's battle.
Ooh!
Frank is in trouble early.
- Fry the fucker,
come on.
- Oh! Frank gets away!
Ooh!
- Get outta there! Get out!
- What are you doing?
- Frank gets loose!
Preda raptor.
- Come on, come on.
- Go! Go, go, go!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Now.
- Frank is on the run.
[beep]
Oh, it looks like
frank is down for the count.
- Get outta the way!
- Get out!
- Go! Go!
- I got it! I got it!
- Preda raptor,
coming for the kill.
[cheers and applause]
It won't be long now.
All: [chanting] preda raptor!
Preda raptor!
Preda raptor! Preda raptor!
Preda raptor!
[chanting dies,
buzzing]
[cheers and applause]
- He did it!
He...Did...It.
We have a new champion!
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome home,
mr. Duncan.
- Ah.
- Jack!
Jack!
Just keep walking.
No trouble?
- They just waved me
right through.
- El gran canon
in person.
El gran canon,
your new nickname.
You're already a legend.
18 balloons.
We've never had
more than eight up one ass.
You have more coke
up your anus
Than any drug mule
in cartel history.
- It's like
taking a shit backwards.
- Ex-lax.
Normally, I would say take two,
But for you,
maybe the whole box.
[engine starts]
[engine revs]
- Okay. All right, cool.
So you're just gonna play
The same playlist
that you did last night?
Awesome.
- Tuesday the 15th.
- See you later.
- $1,000.
It's all there.
- No, I'm sure it is.
But, you know, look.
Promoting a new night
is difficult.
I should've explained to you--
- I want the club.
- You've got a bunch
of kids at home.
I don't think that you should--
- do I have the club or not?
- Okay.
You're on the calendar.
[indistinct chatter]
- Okay, hey, grab two.
- All right.
- Hey, beautiful!
Dinner's almost ready!
- Oh, jesus, jimmy!
You always gotta monitor carl
when he's online.
- Okay.
Sure.
I'm sorry.
What the hell
were you watching?
- History channel.
- Dinner!
- Where were you all day?
- I was, you know,
running errands...
This and that.
How was your day?
- Remember meg
from the club?
She's gonna give me
my own night to promote.
- That's great!
[cheering]
- Yeah!
- You won?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, nothing left
but smoke and metal
And bruised geek egos.
- Yeah, plus 400 bucks
cash prize for first place.
Thought I could help out
a little bit
With the property tax bill.
Do you want me
to run the payment
Down to the post office
before school?
- No, I got it.
- That's still daddy's spot.
Anything at the hospitals?
- I forgot to check today, debs.
I'll call after dinner, okay?
- All right,
here we go, guys!
Dinner's served.
Can we make way over here?
- Thank you, billy!
[overlapping chatter]
- It's like
a miniature rover...
- Yeah, some of that.
All right, so...
- Robot war.
It's like--
it's like cage fighting,
Like octagon rings and...
[talking stops]
- [whispering]
daddy.
Daddy!
[talking resumes]
- [grunting]
[grunting, exhales]
Agh!
[packet hits water]
[sighs]
- ♪ well, I've been fooled
♪ I fooled around
♪ no sense to lie
♪ about where I'm bound
- 19!
[chuckles]
Thank you, sheila!
- ♪ but once it's light
and we're home ♪
♪ won't be no time to burn
♪ burn through the night
♪ throw me away
♪ ten shovels deep
♪ on mother's day
♪ but once it's light
and we're home ♪
♪ won't be no time to burn
♪ the names in the fridge
gonna have to wait their turn ♪