Shameless (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - A Beautiful Mess - full transcript

Where the hell were you last week,
you fools?

This is Colonel Kirk McNally.

Hoping you could tell me
about West Point.

Go watch the kids, please.

Okay, guys, I'm going up to my office.
Debs and Ethel are in charge.

Do you know what this is? Liberation.

Today, a grocery truck.
Tomorrow, the world.

I wanna marry Karen.

We can't have sex anymore.

Is that my ring? Aah!

Fuck!

- We on for later?
- I haven't decided if I still like you.

You went to high school
with Craig Heisner?

- Sent him your number.
- What's the opposite of "thank you"?

- Bet he thinks you're gonna hook up.
- He's married.

- It's a good thing I met up with Craig.
- He's married.

- I was surprised to hear from you.
- You were with that bitchy cheerleader.

- Lucy Joe?
- You mean my wife.

- Oh, shit.
- Ha-ha-ha.

- That was fun.
- Yeah.

If I weren't married maybe things
would be different.

- Why here?
- I should've made a move...

- ... on you in high school.
- Your wife.

Didn't have a wife in high school.

- Ugh.
- Seriously?

- No, we have a spill.
- Stop throwing food, Ankush.

Stop. It's not funny, kid.

- And Liam.
- I can do this feeding if you need a break.

Hey, guys. Debbie.

Guys, stop throwing food.

She's just playing in there.

- I'm looking for Fiona Gallagher?
- How old is he?

He is a she. Where's Fiona?

Uh, hang on, I'll get her. Shh.

- No. House better be on fire, Debs.
- Possible new client downstairs.

Asked for you specifically.

And it's always better to have an adult
do the intake.

Can you handle another kid?

I never ask if you can handle your job.

- How old?
- A crawler. Easy. Come on.

- Hey, I'm Fiona.
- Bitch!

That's for fucking my husband!

- Oh, shit.
- Remember me?

Lucy Joe Heisner? Craig's wife.

Oh, I see.
You run like a coward, you filthy bitch.

You're not getting away from me
that easy, you little slut.

Shit. Shit.

I'm gonna beat you like a pinata
till candy flies out of your ass.

Shit.

Yeah. Fucking run.

- Aah!
- Come here, bitch!

Sheils?

Sheila?

How come I don't smell any breakfast?

Oh! Jesus.

Why are you nude?

- Gotta air it out.
- Where's Sheila?

Hair salon.

Four-ninety-seven, 498, 499, 500.

Excuse me?

Hello.

Can you tell Valerie
that I'll be a little late?

Why the hell she gotta go
to a beauty salon?

I'm the one that looks at her.
I don't give a rat's ass.

Not for long.
Mom's hoping to get her old job back.

Shit, I'm losing her, aren't I?

- I'm making eggs. I'll make you some.
- Shit.

- Can't hide forever!
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

Do not let that woman in.

The hell did you do?

You know how I know you fucked him?

He told me, you filthy penis mitten.

Why would he do that?
Why would he tell her?

Because you chose a pussy.
You always pick pussies.

It'll die down.
She'll turn all that anger back on him.

If you're lucky,
you'll get one more desperation fuck.

You better be on the pill, bitch! Huh?

Craig's babies are all 10-pounders.

You push one out, it'll tear you in two.

I was chased from my own house
and now I'm hiding in yours.

Holy shit, I'm you.

- I have waited for this day.
- Frank.

Ahem. Under here.

Oh, hey.

Hey-

Want some eggs?

You really do have a gift.

Two hundred bones
at 50 cents a piece.

I meant what I said.
We're not screwing anymore.

Yeah, right.

What, you were serious about that?

Oh, a grain of sand?
That's all it takes?

More than you ever gave me.

- How much do you know about this guy?
- I know enough to know he's enough.

We can still be friends, right?

Right.

What's with the Megan Fox shrine?

Carl's been sleeping in the van.

Ha, ha. Is he even 10 yet?

You know what?
I'm not even sure he's around.

He's hanging outwith Hank.
Another knee-high delinquent.

Ten bucks says they're in juvie
by now.

- Guy must travel a lot.
- Nope. He's a midget.

- Likes how these make him feel normal.
- Ha, ha.

House Sitters, Incorporated.

Mom, I told you, I need to keep this line
open for clients.

Yes, I'm fine.

Tomorrow.

Yeah, me too.

Bummer the guy comes back
tomorrow.

Relax, I got more gigs lined up.

What was that?

- What the hell's going on?
- Shit.

- You said Thursday.
- It is Thursday.

You were supposed to bring in
the mail and water, you little turd.

You're drinking my booze?

Thought you were kidding
about the midget thing.

Whoo!

Ethel, come on.

Why don't you go upstairs
and borrow a suit from Debbie?

No. I wouldn't feel comfortable unless
I was in my own swimming costume.

All right. Suit yourself, party pooper.

Coast clear?

Yeah. Who we dodging today?
Bill collectors? Process servers?

Mrs. Craig Heisner.

What? You've been acting
like a dude all summer.

It's okay for guys to play the field
but not me?

Want guys running their dicks through
the dishwasher after they bone you?

Shut up.

- That's some serious UV protection.
- I know. She won't loosen up.

I worry that she doesn't interact
with anybody her own age.

Should I force her or what?

I don't know.
I'm making this shit up as I go along.

How'd she find out? Lucy Joe?

Jesus, what is that, a rash?

What? I think it's from that laundry soap
I got at the Family Dollar Store.

Made in China.
Probably tainted with melamine.

You're not going in the pool.
We gotta show that to V.

- What about my kids?
- I don't have practice until later.

- Me and Ethel can watch them.
- Ethel and I.

You and I will are gonna go show this
to Veronica. Let's go.

- Go on.
- Be careful.

Yeah!

You got Jody. Hello?

Think it's possible to be named Jody
and not be a douche bag?

Ever thought about
calling him Choady?

- Tool hijacked my sex buddy.
- Revisionist history.

- What?
- More than a sex buddy.

No, that was my brain doing the thinking
while my ass was doing the talking.

Wanna come
on the ice cream truck later?

- Can't, volunteering at the VA.
- A waste of time.

Gonna look good
on my West Point application.

You should be figuring out
how to work the system.

- America's a meritocracy.
- They don't make bootstraps.

How the hell you supposed to pull
yourself up by them, dumb-ass?

Dumb-ass.

Hey, I'm totally stealing Choady,
by the way.

Veronica's not a nurse.
How's she supposed to diagnose this?

She can tell us if it's worth ponying up
for the clinic.

Uh-oh. You came to hide under the bed?

- I know.
- I thought Craig was just about catching up.

It just sort of happened.
Check out this rash?

Damn, that's nasty.
Almost looks like shingles.

Scabies maybe?

Let's see here.

Been hiking in the woods lately?

- What woods?
- I called Steve.

- What?
- What? Why?

- Change in your diet?
- I just wanted to hear his voice, I think.

- Your throat hurt?
- No. Where is he?

- I didn't ask.
- Best guess, stress rash.

I knew it. Day care's too much
for you to handle. This is my fault.

Why does everything
always have to become about you?

- So no need for a doctor?
- Steroid cream first.

Should do away with the breakout.
But you're gonna have to start relaxing.

Are we done here? I got a house
full of kids I need to get back to.

- Gonna call Steve again?
- I don't know.

Might wanna figure out
why you wanna talk to him first.

This one here
is Mrs. Johnson's favorite.

It likes to drink every day.

But this one over here is a bit finicky...

...and only wants a little sip
on the weekends.

Weekends. Got it.

Now let me show you
the upstairs plants.

Ew. What the hell you want
with them nasty old boulder holders?

I practice opening them.

Never know what kind of clasps
you're gonna encounter.

My motto: Be prepared.

Weekend came early.

I should give up some shifts
and help more with day care.

Your tips are the only thing
that's gonna get us through winter.

- You should not be carrying this much.
- It's only for two more weeks.

- Two weeks?
- School starts.

Deb, you're 11.
You need to start acting like it.

Want me to start collecting stickers
and lip gloss?

Yeah. Maybe hang out
at the park sometime.

Loitering.

How about you invite some friends over
and relax in the pool?

No lifeguard. Liability.

They come over, hang out in the pool,
and sleep over.

It'll be like a birthday-party
sleepover-party.

My birthday is not until October.

Hey. Well, it's somebody's birthday
somewhere, so we'll celebrate that.

Make a guest list.

Make your list or I will.

Slut!

Did you know he was married?

At least it's chocolate.

Come on.

- Karen just left.
- Bummer.

- You think Sheila's gonna throw me out?
- Yep. Choady still on the couch?

Never should've fucked Dottie to death.
Could've made that work.

- What's his last name?
- No money there.

If Sheila starts working again,
I am finished.

- Know where's he from?
- Probably at the beauty salon right now.

Five hundred and twenty-three,
524, 525.

I made it!

This is better than sex.

Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll have
a relapse by the end of the week.

She'll be joining you at the Alibi
by the end of the week.

Shit.

My room still open at home?

Uh...

Do you wanna stay here?

- It's where the heart is.
- Left side.

My advice: No one trades an MVP.

Make myself valuable. Untradeable.

- Exactly.
- You know what?

The world out there is a scary place.
Maybe it needs to get even scarier.

- Lip. How's it going, man?
- Good.

Good. You know, I'm good, Choady.
Hey, is that short for anything? Uh, Jody.

Nope.

Do you, uh...?
Working anywhere these days?

- Nope.
- From around here or...?

- Wilmette.
- Family still there?

No.

Hey, you wanna, uh, grab a beer
with me tonight at the Alibi?

Kind of hoping my next time
at the Alibi would be with Mom.

Oh, your mom?

Sheila.

Right.

Hey, you know what you should do?
Scope the place out for her first.

Kind of like the secret service does
before the president goes anywhere.

Copy that. See you tonight.

Yo, can you hustle, please?

I know you can run faster than that.
Ronelle. Come on, man.

- Pretend like you stole something.
- Move it. Yeah.

You gotta move.

You gotta push your body.

Rebound. Push it. Outlet.

Push it.

Ethel, you think
you might wanna play a little bit?

I could throw you in there
for a few drills.

What are you looking at?

Malik? Are you looking at Malik?

Yo, Malik.

What's up, coach?

- This is Ethel.
- Oh, hey.

- Hello.
- Is he your little brother?

No, this is Jonah. He's my son.

Oh, no shit.

We should get our kids together
for a play date or some shit like that.

- Oh. How old is your little...?
- Girl.

- Thirteen months tomorrow.
- Such a sweet age.

- You better stay away from my man.
- Why you tripping?

- You know we're not together no more.
- I meant no harm.

Where I come from
it's an honor to share your man.

How about I honor you
with a brick upside your head?

All right, Tanisha.
This isn't Jerry Springer. Calm down.

Put all that spunk out on the court.
You too. Go.

You're a little shit starter.

I got him, I got him.

What's with this? Frank?

Frank, can you come take a look
at the stove? It's not lighting.

- You got it, babe.
- I just smell gas, honey.

It was fine this morning.

Let's see what we got here.

Aha.

- Just a little loose.
- Oh.

- Thank you, Frankie.
- That's what I'm here for.

Aw.

Boy, glad you noticed that.
Could have blown up the whole house.

Took out an entire block in California.
Sixteen dead.

I know. Terrible.

- Did you see that article in the paper?
- What article?

Guy walked into a market and cut off
a woman's head with a machete.

- Which market?
- What?

Which market was it?

Who cares? What matters is
that he would do that for no reason.

- Well, he must have had a reason.
- It says he just went nuts.

Well, that's a reason.

I'm trying to tell you
it's dangerous out there, Sheils.

So promise me
you won't go to a market.

Well, Frank, you never told me
which market.

Any of them. Ever.

I don't want anything to happen
to you because I love you.

So stop asking
stupid fucking questions.

Frank.

Sweetie, I love you too.

But I have learned in therapy that you
can't control what goes on in the world.

No. You can just choose
to be a part of it every single day.

I almost didn't make it.

I had to take the long way around
to avoid Lucy Joe and her banner.

Don't you wish the sex
was worth the punishment?

Hi, Craig, you need to call off
your mouth-foaming bitch of a wife.

And this is Fiona Gallagher.
Thank you. Bye.

Smooth.

- I still don't understand why he told her.
- He's a pussy. You always pick pussies.

Well, they are what they eat.

Oh, Richard's back from France
this week.

- The Jasmine set up?
- Yeah.

Me, Jasmine, David and him
are gonna hang. Maybe you and Kev?

Pass. Have fun in the Viagra triangle.

Deb's having a sleepover party.
I told her she had to. You have to come.

I can't. I'm working overnight
at the home.

Do you wanna hear her guest list?
Fiona, Veronica and Aunt Ginger.

Poor kid. Three people on her list,
two of them stuck in an old age home.

She's got no friends, V.

How did I not see
that she had no friends?

Hey, you. Can I see some ID, please?

- Are you kidding me?
- Show me something.

I gotta cover my ass.

Thank you, Dwayne Foster.

Could I just get a Coke?

Now, why would you do that?

- What?
- Not drink.

I gotta piss.

How am I supposed
to loosen him up...

...and get any shit on this guy
if he's sober?

I'm telling you, I don't think the guy
has any dirt on him at all.

- He's gotta have an angle.
- He's just some Joe Bag-a-donuts, dude.

Or a John Wayne Gacy.
I'm gonna pinch his wallet.

Hey, got your Coke.

Weird. Karen's number
is written in the stall.

- Hm.
- Huh. There you go.

- Aw, shit! I'm sorry, man.
- I got some on my leg. Be right back.

Ahh, I'm sorry about that.

Suck up.

Fucking dick.

Give me his wallet and phone,
you retard.

That dyke chick on Glee
says it's not cool to use that word.

Why are you such a dick?

On the subject of dicks,
does Choady have a choad or what?

You're better than this guy, Karen.

Thing is, Lip, I'm not.

Malik may come by today with Tamika,
if that's okay.

Fine. But they eat, we charge them.

- Thought you'd still be asleep.
- We have a party to plan.

Most important part of any birthday
celebration: the cake.

What are you feeling?

Hmm, strawberry and cheese coffee cake
from Weber's Bakery. Definitely.

Even your taste in food
is like a 40-year old.

Okay, it's your party.

- Triple espresso lattes.
- Hi, Jasmine.

- Does she have a key now?
- It was open.

You really shouldn't sleep
in your makeup. Look at Courtney Love.

Ooh, you are so welcome, Miss Debbie.

- So has he called you?
- Who?

- Richard. I gave him your number.
- Of course you did.

You haven't been home,
have you, dirty girl?

Spent the night on David's boat.

Richard's somewhere on business.
Rome? Singapore? Someplace exotic.

I got a little left from last night.
You want some?

Jesus, it's 8 in the morning.

David might be taking me to Paris.
He's got some kind of conference.

- What are you gonna tell Hal?
- Uh, I'll think of something.

What'd you tell him last night?

My mom's sick, I've been nursing
her back to health.

Using your mom's breast cancer
to cheat on your husband?

Only good thing about
her double mastectomy.

- Daughter of the Year.
- You're one to talk.

Miss Heisner been back
with baby and the bat?

You hear about that?

That's priceless.

My ball and chain.
I gotta get back home.

Do you mind if I shower
and, uh, change upstairs?

- Sure.
- When Richard does call, just say yes.

He's a good one. He's got the cash
to treat you right...

...and he can probably still get it up
on his own.

Did you know the trigonometric moment
problem has infinite solutions...

- ... if the Toeplitz matrix A is invertible?
- Yep. Nothing but parking tickets.

This Choady guy makes vanilla
taste like fucking Thai spice.

You ran a background check?

Tony.

The only remotely interesting
thing is a restraining order...

...against his ex-girlfriend
because she threw a camera at him.

He's fucking ridiculous, this guy.

You're like Liam
when someone touches his toys.

I don't find any dirt,
I'll just make some.

Think you could hang out
Saturday night?

Deb's sleepover. Fill out the guest list.

- Sure.
- I'll bring strippers and a hookah pipe.

I'm kidding.

I thought it was funny.

The people on the bus
All smell like pee

Smell like pee, smell like pee

The people on the bus all smell like pee
Most likely because they peed

You know what works?
Unfiltered apple juice.

I'm gonna try that because little girl here
hasn't made a dookie in three days.

Poor baby.

You live with your
great-grandparents?

I do, which is pretty cool.

I mean, they're good people and all...

...but it sucks because they're getting
so old it's hard for them to do stuff.

Like go to the park, lift things,
work the remote.

Yeah. It's the same
with my husband, Clyde.

We had to get one of those phones
with the giant numbers.

Oh...

Need a hand with this diaper change.
All the way up the back.

- I'll be back in a minute.
- Okay.

- Ew.
- Whoa!

- I know.
- Oh, God.

Gotta tell his mom to knock it off
with the fruit strips.

Get the wipes. Hurry.

So are you and Malik, like,
boyfriend and girlfriend now?

What? Shh.

No, of course not. We're just friends.

He totally likes you.

We have a lot in common
because of our children, but that's it.

Besides the fact
that I'm already married.

So Clyde gets to have 10 wives
but you can only have one husband?

Lamp's on the fritz.
I'll look at it later today.

- Where are you going?
- Karen and I...

- ... are going to look at wedding dresses.
- What?

What did I tell you about
what can happen to a woman shopping?

Sheils, I need you here. With me.

- Safe. With your head on.
- Sweetie, nothing's going to happen.

I'll be with Karen.
We'll use the buddy system.

Don't worry.

Karen?

You're not gonna take
Cole Street are you?

That woman was just attacked
on Cole Street.

What woman?

Uh...

Seventy-seven years old.
Animal tried to rape her.

Luckily her dog scared him away.

We should get a dog.

- Heh. We have Frank.
- What the hell's that supposed to mean?

You have shit on the carpet.

- You know, why do you have to-?
- You guys, listen.

This is a big day for me, all right?
No bickering.

Sorry, Mom. Let's go.

- Go get them, Mom.
- Thanks, Jody.

- Proud of her.
- Yeah. No, me too.

I just hope she doesn't push herself
too hard.

Her doctor tells me
she's very fragile right now.

Ripe for a relapse.

I hear you, man,
Karen's pretty fragile too.

Not the first word
that comes to mind, but, okay.

Like a baby deer in the forest,
and life's like the hunter.

I think you should expand
your social circle a little.

Why? You have us, and V,
and your pushy friend Jasmine...

...and that seems to be enough.
- I'm trying to expand my circle too.

Meet new people.

What about Ethel? Why not invite her?

- She's more of a colleague.
- Come on.

Okay, fine.
So it'll be you, me and Ethel.

- And Carl.
- What?

- You're coming to Deb's sleepover.
- Sounds gay.

- You can bring a friend.
- Okay.

I want you to invite two kids
from your class you like.

- I don't like any kids in my class.
- Then two more you sort of like.

Or can stand to be around, or think are
cool, or think maybe might like you.

Hey, you're a good kid, Deb,
you deserve friends.

- No money, no drink.
- I'm not here to drink.

- I'm here to borrow something.
- A brain or a heart?

- That.
- Stan's Luger? No way.

He pulled that off a dead Kraut's
fingers on the Rhine.

Then shot the guy in the nuts
for shits and giggles.

- Can I just see it?
- You can see it from there.

Debbie, hi. I was, uh, just about
to cross-check. You wanna watch?

Bullshit. Where?

- There.
- You know Holly Herkimer, right?

Holly Hickey-Maker? Ha, ha. Yeah, why?

Son of a bitch.

Introduce me to Holly,
you can come to my sleepover.

- Cool. When is it?
- Tomorrow.

Here, let me just check my schedule.

Yeah, yeah. That should work.

Great.

- Gearing up for bank robbery season?
- I don't have any whippets, Frank.

Saw spray paint cans you could huff.

- Why do you think I want something?
- You're breathing.

Hoping to gank a couple of rounds
of ammo from you.

- Who you hunting?
- Trying to scare off a neighborhood dog.

Yeah? Anybody I know?

A fucking Luger? That's sweet, man.

- It was my father's.
- I don't think they make ammo for that.

- Aw, come on. Just one cap.
- One cap?

Slugs are specific to each gun.
It's not a mix-and-match.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Guns ain't Garanimals.

Look at that, perfect fit.

- Jesus.
- What the hell was that?

I'm sure it was just a car backfiring,
sweetie.

Scratched cornea. Brass bits and gas
ripped into my eye.

You're lucky that's all.
In cartoons, whole head explodes.

She's not giving up, Kev.

Sheila's gonna be down here tomorrow
unless I can stop her.

It won't be that big a deal.
She'll come down, sit, have a drink...

...laugh a little, dance maybe-
Could be totally harmless.

I know we all love to bust balls
around here, but seriously, guys...

...if Sheils makes it tomorrow, promise
to keep your mouths shut about me?

- No. Fuck you.
- You banged her kid. I'm telling.

Dan, my man.

Ha.

- Very funny, asshole.
- Come on. I'm just messing with you.

Look at us, we look like
a couple of pirates.

Let me buy you a drink,
old Danny boy.

- What do you want, Martin?
- Uh, Simon. My name is Simon.

This is my friend, Debbie Gallagher.

Hi. We're actually
in the same history class.

- We are?
- I let you cheat off me all the time.

Oh. Good for you.

Um... Gallagher? Any relation to Lip?

Yeah, he's my brother.
It's short for Phillip, Lip is.

So I was just wondering if you'd wanna
come to my sleepover tomorrow night?

- Is there gonna be food?
- Hell, yeah.

- Can we watch an R-rated movie?
- Sure.

- Is your brother gonna be there?
- Probably, yeah.

Okay.

Oh.

Cool. I'll see you there.

Linda doesn't know, but she letting me
borrow her kids' Kinect for Deb's party.

Sweet.

What are you watching?

Some shit on The Learning Channel
about pole dancers.

- Speaking of hookers, how's Karen?
- Fuck off.

Still working on Operation Choady.

Got a couple ideas
on how to lose the guy.

- Why don't we just kill him?
- So not worth the time in jail.

Thinking more along the lines of planting
naked photos of Liam on his laptop.

- Oh, good one.
- Yeah, I thought so. Thanks.

Now, seriously,
this does nothing for you?

- Still gay.
- Still gay.

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! is X-rated.
I said you can watch something R-rated.

- It's gotta be edgy and cool.
- The object is to be scared, not scarred.

Maybe Lip and Ian have something.

You are not gonna be happy.
We gotta work tomorrow night.

- I can't. Deb's party's tomorrow night.
- Ivan rented the place for a party.

You're the one who made me have this
stupid party. If you flake it's gonna suck.

- No, it won't.
- Yes, it will.

- Can somebody take my shift?
- Some hall of fame party.

Anybody who doesn't work is fired.

Maybe we can make the party
another night.

- Work your shift. We got the party.
- You can be here all night?

Of course. It's gonna be the hottest
party ever. Mandy's coming, too.

- Oh, my God, this is gonna be so cool.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is gonna be so cool.

Don't kill me.

Oh, God. We almost dropped you.

It's Steve. Leave some words.

Total long shot. Do you wanna come
to Debbie's sleepover tomorrow night?

Might be tough,
coming from halfway around the world.

I mean, it looks like I may not even
be able to make it and I live right here.

I'm making no sense.

Okay.

Call me.

- Good morning, baby.
- Morning.

- Where's Ethel?
- She's at Malik's crib having a playdate.

- You let her go?
- They're just friends.

Boys like Malik
don't have friends with vaginas.

It's awesome she's hanging
with people her own age.

- Doing something other than chores.
- Probably got her doing his chores.

- What's your beef with Malik?
- I don't want Ethel dating that black kid.

Racist. You're a racist.

I am not a racist.
I don't hate all black people, Kev.

Just the ones who make babies at 14
and probably can't read.

Wow.

- What the hell you smiling at?
- You're a mama bear.

- What?
- Mama bear with your baby Ethel cub.

Shut up.

- My mama bear.
- Shut it now.

My little mama bear.

So you're kind of like a 12-year-old girl.

Which flick do you think
we should watch at Deb's party?

Nightmare on Elm Street.
Remake, still scary as shit.

Karen got ready with the drapes open,
which was awesome.

Then stopped for some cigarette's
and went to work at the movies.

Be there till late. Last show gets out at,
like, 1:00, plus clean up.

- Thanks, buddy.
- You got Carl following her around now?

Can't believe
you're cock-blocking Karen.

- She has no cock. How am I blocking it?
- Let her go, man.

What do you want?
Huh? You wanna marry her?

Be with her forever?

I'm looking out for her.
She's my best friend.

I'm your best friend.
She's your fuck buddy.

You're my brother
who should shut the fuck up.

Friends want
what's best for each other.

- This could be the best thing for Karen.
- You know what's best for everyone?

The kid who wants to die for a country
that thinks he's one of God's mistakes?

A shrink said
I'm one of God's mistakes.

The girl has "whore" tattooed on her arm.
She put my dick in her mouth.

- What?
- You need to shut the fuck up.

So what?
You get her to dump the guy...

...stick around for when Carl gets his
first woody, so she can work him too?

I already had my first woody.
In history class.

Talking about how Marie Antoinette's
head got chopped off.

You freebasing lycopene now,
you worthless piece of shit?

- Why you gotta be such an asshole?
- Apple fell where you dropped it.

You think, uh, Karen and that guy
are a done deal?

Who knows? She's a flighty thing.

Actually, kind of reminds me
of your mother.

A beautiful mess.

That was smart,
coming in your pajamas already.

These aren't my pajamas.

One strawberry and cheese
coffee cake from Weber's.

- Thanks. Yum.
- I gotta get ready for work.

You look gorgeous, party girl.

- Oh, my. You look lovely.
- Thank you.

Dinner was great, Mom.

Schnitzel's the same thing
as chicken parmesan...

...only without the tomato sauce
and cheese.

- Did you know that?
- No.

Did you know that, Frank?

Yeah, it's breaded chicken.
Chicken nuggets are just mini-schnitzels.

- It's the same shit.
- It really is.

- I've gotta go.
- Wait, wait, wait. Go where? Where?

I'm going to Gayle's house
to watch a movie.

And it's only a half a block
from the Alibi.

Which means tomorrow
I'll make it there.

- Let me get this.
- Thank you, Frankie.

I feel so frisky tonight. Stay home.

- Stay home and play with me.
- Oh, Frankie.

You know what, sweetie?
I am very flattered.

But Gayle, she's the one that tried
to hang herself that one time...

...so I really try not to let her down.

- But I'm flattered.
- Wait. Do I feel hot to you?

I think I'm sick.
Stay and make soup for me?

You feel fine.
I'll be back before you know it...

...and if you're still feeling oogie,
I'll make you some ginger tea.

- Good luck, Mom.
- Thank you, Jody.

Shit.

You wanna play Husker Du?

Don't-

- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, my God.

Thank God someone was home.
Please, help me.

What happened? Frank, call 911.

I was walking down the street
when this bus mirror caught my arm...

...and just kept going.
Dragged me 50 feet. Where's my arm?

Frank, put pressure on this.
I'm gonna go look for the arm.

How was I?

It was a good performance,
just the wrong audience.

You eating this?

Knock yourself out.

Thanks, guys. Hey, it's your party.
No work. Come on.

- Got a light?
- Yeah.

- Thanks for sticking around tonight.
- It's for Deb, it's not for you.

Still, thanks. Okay.

- Hey, party girl.
- Hi.

I brought you a couple black lights.
Set the mood.

It makes most people better looking.

Aren't they good for finding
traces of blood?

My dad uses them
to snuff out fake bills.

That shirt gets any lower
it'll be underwear.

- More skin, more skins.
- Ding Dongs. Awesome.

- Carl, those are for guests.
- Good, I brought one.

Hey, birthday girl, I'm Little Hank.

Hi, I'm Debbie.
And it's not really my birthday.

Good, because
I didn't really bring you a present.

- Hi, I'm here for the Gallagher thing.
- Really?

You invited Holly Herkimer?
She's like 15.

You said anyone from class. It's not
her fault she's still in fourth grade.

- Yes, it is.
- Still got sparklers from the fourth.

Make sparkler bombs.
Where's the duct tape?

- In my kidnap kit in the van. I'll get it.
- Let's go.

- You sure you got this?
- Yeah, no problem.

Okay, have fun. Not too much fun.

I'm sorry I gotta go. I hope you have
a really great time tonight.

Me too.

Okay.

Can I get you another
slice of pizza, Hank?

Little Hank. Hank's my old man,
he's an asshole.

My dad too.

What are you doing?

Want to see what your hair smelled like.
Thought it would smell like flowers...

...but it's cigarettes and coconuts.
Still totally hot.

I've already seen this movie
and this pizza sucks.

- Sorry. Can I make you a grilled cheese?
- You can make me one.

Where's Lip?

God, you are so fucking hot.
This is amazing.

Flattery will get you everywhere.

Shh. I don't want Ian to hear us.

He won't.

I bet you could get
any guy into bed, huh?

Yeah, why?

- Karen home?
- At work. Pulling a double.

Mind if I wait?

This is Steve. Leave some words.

Hey, I bet you're wondering
where I've been.

Not really.

- China. Putting together a deal.
- Wow.

- Anybody pee in your Coke?
- Ooh.

- That an offer?
- I'd love to, but I gotta get home.

- Oh, come on, I'll drive you.
- Such a gentleman.

Uh-uh. Ulterior motive. I figure this way...

...maybe I get an offer to come inside
for a nightcap.

I think you've had enough.
How about I drive you?

- This is a good ride.
- Yeah, all right.

This is a big first step.
I don't let anybody drive her.

- Not even valets.
- Oh, that's smart. I hear they steal cars.

- Yeah, okay. Easy, easy, easy.
- Relax. I know how to work a stick.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Psst.

I got duct tape if you want.
We can put her in the van.

Wanna see how fast
I can unhook your bra?

I don't wear a bra, runt.
Move, I have to pee.

Ow.

My God, woman, you work fast.

True. I've done some of my best work
on a hall pass.

What the-? Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holly.

- I won't tell.
- Fuck. Get out. Now.

Holly, out. No.

What the fuck?

- Ow.
- Ow.

- What the-J?
- What's going on?

- Lip's an asshole. I'm out of here.
- Want me to kick his ass?

I'm making waffles for breakfast.

Yeah? Well, you can shove mine
up Lip's ass.

No, easy, easy.

That's good.

- The Fast and the Furious, huh?
- Thanks for the ride.

Mm-hm. Oh.

Sorry for throwing up.

Holly?

- Carl, what happened?
- I don't know.

Jesus.

What is going on?

Holly left my party
because of something Lip did.

- You didn't.
- No, I didn't. I blew her off and she split.

You could have done her
so my party wouldn't suck.

- Deb, she's 14.
- Which one's Holly?

She left. And then Little Hank left too.

Deb, I'm sure the rest of the party
was awesome.

How would you know?
You weren't here.

- You Craig?
- Who?

- No.
- Hey.

- You wanna open my present now?
- No, Simon.

I don't really give a shit
about your present.

Great job chaperoning.

What would you have me do?
Sleep with the kid?

This is my worst birthday ever.

Deb, let me make it up to you.

How about I take you to a R-rated
movie some time?

Little Hank too?

He's not gonna go with just me.
Can Holly come too?

Fine.

- A double date.
- No. Just me buying...

...and escorting.

Deal.

I should- I should probably brush my
teeth before we make out or anything.

- Sleep it off on the couch.
- No- Hey, I can drive.

No, you can't.
I'll see you in the morning.

- You think my car will still be there?
- Parts of it.

Jesus, Chr- That's- Don't do that.

Top of the morning.

Let's go to the Alibi. Come on.
I wanna meet all your co-workers.

- I don't- My shift doesn't start until noon.
- Oh.

Okay.

You know what they say:

The early bird catches the worm.

- I caught it.
- Yeah.

Jesus. Is that your fist?

No, it's my foot.

No,no,no.

You said no toys.

- I can wiggle my toes.
- Yeah.

- This little piggy went to market.
- Ahh! Ha, ha.

- And this little piggy stayed home.
- Okay, that's two piggies, right?

- This little piggy had roast beef.
- Ahh! Ha, ha.

- And this little piggy had none.
- Oh, God.

- But this little piggy...
- No, no, no. Not all the way home.

- Not all the way home.
- ... he went all the way home.

- Oh!
- Oh! Whoo!

Carl, knock it off.

He can't throw it.
Don, let me play baseball.

I'm sorry I had to miss your party.

So tell me about Hank.

He's cute, isn't he?

Hey, uh, you got any coffee?

Hi, uh, I'm Adam.

You married?

Hit me with the bat already,
I don't have time for this.

Wasn't my idea
to come to an adulterer's house.

It was mine.
Well, actually, our priest.

He thinks we can put this whole thing
behind us, but we need your help.

- My help?
- Who the hell is this?

- Hi, I'm Adam.
- Just go do what you came here to do.

lam asking...

...both of you for your forgiveness.

I forgive you. We done now?

Do you forgive me?

I want to. I really do.

But every time I start to picture it,
I just want to rip your head off.

Okay, what I hear you saying...

...is that you want to forgive me,
you just need a little bit more time.

Come on.
Kev's like a giant, that's not fair.

Life's not fair. Haven't you learned?

- Take her down.
- Hold on there, girl.

You going down.

I don't play.

- Looks like your rash is clearing up.
- Yeah.

You guys done with your therapy?

They're still in the house. He's singing
"Your Body Is a Wonderland. "

Who's this?

- Oh. Kevin, Adam. Adam, Kevin.
- Nice to meet you.

- Oh, sorry, bro.
- Welcome.

Hey, you okay?

Why the fuck was Mandy Milkovich
at my house trying to screw Jody?

He turned her down
and told me what happened.

Because he's a fucking pussy.

- Fuck you.
- Hey, hey.

Stay the fuck away from me.
Stay the fuck away from Jody.

And stay the fuck away
from this baby.

Feel my head. Feel my head one more
time. I'm sure I'm running hot this time.

Frank, you are always like that
after sex.

Seriously, you're like
a little steam engine.

Now come on, you're already
late for work. Let's go.

Come on.

Come on.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah.

Okay.