Shameless (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - I'll Light a Candle for You Every Day - full transcript
Fiona reconnects with her married high school crush, while Frank contemplates marriage with Dottie. But Debbie, in light of Harry's demise, becomes obsessed with death.
For those who are too busy, here's
what happened last week on Shameless:
-Who the hell is that? -A friend from group.
-Group? -Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Creepy that a guy twice your age doesn't try to get in your pants.
Stop talking and fuck me.
-You went to high school with Craig Heisner? -Mm-hm.
He's hot. Sent him your number.
-Don't. -Did.
-Wanted to see what it'd take to get in. -To West Point?
Call 911. Debbie?
It's Harry.
-What's wrong with Butterface? -Don't.
TOMMY: God gave her one hell of a rack and legs to die for--
MEN: But her face!
[MEN LAUGHING]
If they find a heart, they're supposed to beep me on this.
Means I go to the hospital.
She's gonna die soon, what are you after? Her home, her pension?
I may love her. I don't know.
Frank, I can't have sex.
If my BP goes above 120 over 80, my heart explodes.
If we fuck, I die.
[BOTH GASPING AND PANTING]
I had the biggest crush on you in school, Craig.
CRAIG: My God, you're beautiful.
I love you.
Dead people poop themselves.
[IN DEBB|E'S VOICE] Dead people poop themselves.
What?
-Dead people poop themselves. -Mm, Debs.
Harry pooped himself after he died.
ISIGHS]
-Harry? -Aunt Ginger's boyfriend.
ISIGHS]
I'm going back to sleep.
-He was my first dead person. -Finishing my nice dream now.
There are 200 euphemisms for death.
Kicked the bucket. Met his maker. Ate dirt. Six feet under. Pushing daisies.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
-Can't a brother get some sleep here? -Bit the dust.
Bought a pine condo. Went off the twig.
Basted the formaldehyde turkey.
Um.... Winning one for the reaper. Living impaired. Past his sell-by date.
Just add maggots.
Mm....
Retroactive abortion.
HEARST: Lip. LIP: Y0.
H9)’-
Colonel McNa||y's gonna meet us on the lower level.
That weed you gave me worked like a charm.
Yeah, you use it on your grad student?
Rachel. Hot. She loved the play list that you made for me.
She was so impressed with my collection of urban music...
...she let me go down on her. The alphabet. That's the key.
Drives them wild. If you're good, you'll never get to Z.
My record is M. There he is.
-Gentlemen. -Lip, this is Colonel Kirk McNal|y.
This is Phillip Gallagher.
He's interested in talking to you. One of the brightest kids I know.
-Right. -Vowels.
-Anywhere to get an espresso here? -I'll take you to the cafeteria.
What are you working on this summer?
I'm working on this device that reads credit card numbers off parking kiosks.
—Using a magnetic stripe reader? -Oh, no.
Card numbers aren't held on the cards anymore. It's done over Wi-Fi.
Why aren't you working on my project?
-Yeah, I'm still in high school, so.... -What?
What are we doing? Why am I wasting my time?
I was hoping you tell me about West Point.
Like what's a kid gotta do to get in?
Suck my dick.
[SCOFFS]
If you're as smart as Hearst says you are...
...work on my project, I'll tell you all about West Point.
Don't use wooden clips on my bras, they'll snag. Use plastic ones.
Okay, sure.
You worked for the city, right? CDOT was it?
Is this us getting to know each other? Yeah, I painted curbs.
-Heh, heh, someone does that? -Think they paint themselves?
Thought there was a machine.
A machine called Dorothy Coronis for 23 years. You're welcome.
Twenty-three years? That's a nice pension.
Too bad I won't live long enough to collect.
You been dating anyone since Charlie stroked out on the toilet?
There's been a few. Give or take a couple dozen. Ha, ha!
-Anyone special? -Ha!
What do I want someone special for? To be underfoot all the time? No, thanks.
I have Rochelle, Evelyn, Kermit, my cat, Snowshoes.
—Kermit? -Yeah, from down at the bar.
He's been coming around here?
-We're friends. -I don't trust him.
His features are too close together.
He's been doing some electrical work for me.
Electrical work, my ass.
VERONICA: Fi, you home? -Upstairs.
My mom needs help down at her salon tomorrow. You in?
-Sure. -Wow, middle-of-the-day makeup.
-What's the occasion? -Craig Heisner texted me back.
-Who? -That guy from my high school diary.
-Asked if I wanted to have coffee. -Coffee or banging?
He's married. I don't need somebody else's backwash.
So you won't be getting up on my Kevin any time soon?
Ew. He's like my brother. It'd be like making out with you.
You know you want to. So why you meeting Craig Heisner then?
Connect with a friend. Curious to see how he looks.
He thinks you gonna hook up.
Doesn't mean it's gonna happen.
Why would a married man be meeting his old flame?
We were never old flames. He barely noticed me in high school.
So you're going there to make him jealous?
"Here's what you could've had, Craig Heisner."
-Oh-doh, oh-doh -Ha, ha, ha!
Does everything have to be an ass shake?
-Sometimes it's a boob shake. -Okay.
-How do I look? -Like me.
Oh, shit.
Hey, you filthy fucking Portagees, I know you fucked my sister.
I'm gonna come down there and I'm gonna kick your ass.
Stan, what are you doing? Get in here. You're gonna get shot.
STAN: Yeah.
-Put some pants on. -I got pants on.
Really? Then those are the ugliest pair of flesh pants I've ever seen.
STAN: Oh.
-Oh, Dinty Moore again? -Come on, you love this stuff.
Yeah, but don't give me the one with the low sodium. It tastes like dog shit.
-What, the one with full sodium doesn't? -No, actually, it's delicious.
So I could pick up a pile of dog shit and you'd eat it?
Well, if it had enough salt on it.
I'll keep that in mind. Here.
What the hell is that?
-Receipts from the bar last night. -Bar? What bar?
The Alibi Room. Downstairs. You own it.
Oh, I know that. Just give me the goddamn money.
-Here we go. -Thanks.
-So Fiona Gallagher. -Craig Heisner.
-You look good. -You too.
So, what've you been up to since graduation?
I never graduated.
My mom split myjunior year. So I had to quit school, take care of the family.
-Well, that sucks. -It is what it is.
-What'd you do after graduation? -Went into business with my dad.
-Concrete. -Well, that's good.
Yeah, ha.
-I was surprised to hear from you. -I didn't think you'd remember me.
How could I not? You had the best ass in class.
Ha, ha, I can still picture you in those sexy shorts...
...running track during our football practices.
Did you know I had a crush on you?
Back then or now?
Ha, ha, ha, I might've had an inkling.
So how come you neverjumped me?
—l was afraid you might reject me. -No, no.
-You neverjumped me. -You were a senior, I was a sophomore.
And for the record, you know, I wouldn't have rejected you.
-Now you tell me. -Besides...
...you were with that bitchy cheerleader. What was her name? Lucy Joe?
Yeah.
You mean my wife?
-Oh, shit, sorry. -It's cool.
-Still together? -We had a few breakups...
...but we've been together since we were 15.
What about you?
We haven't been together since we were 15.
There's nothing we can do about that now, can we?
No. You had to go mess everything up by getting married.
-We would've been good together too. -Probably, yeah. Would've been great.
-Guess we'll never find out now. -Guess not.
[GRUNTING]
-Ah, dude, stop. -It's the best way to get abs.
-Saw it on a YouTube video. -Hey, fuckwad.
-Dickhead. -What are you doing?
Helping Ian train.
Yo, I was at the lab talking to this Army guy from the Pentagon.
-He's a colonel. -Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I thought he could tell us a bit more about West Point.
-He was a student there. -They're called cadets.
DEB [SINGING]: I will burn foryou Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife And bleed my aching heart--
-What's with Debs? -Obsessed with death.
I thought this guy might be a good lead.
I don't know. Took that practice trig test today. Only got a 73.
Five points higher than last time.
I cheated.
Why do you wanna go in the Army?
You're gonna get shot through the butt hole.
Hey, the only reason you're not in summer school...
...is because they wouldn't have you.
I hate when they bunt. It's a pussy move.
You're such a girl.
Don't make me pull out my penis to prove you wrong.
-Ho, ho, ho, hello. -Stan's losing his marbles.
-What happened? -He shouldn't be left alone up there.
-Call his daughter. -What if she wants to put him in a home?
-Might be the best thing. -He wants to stay.
So did my mother, even after she started shitting in the kitchen drawers.
Hey, what about you and me, we chip in, we buy the bar?
-What? -It'll give him money...
-...for round-the-clock care. -Not interested.
When he goes, someone's gonna buy this place.
What if they turn it into a Friday's?
-I look good in stripes. -We buy the bar from Stan...
...he gets to stay and we keep ourjobs.
-No. -Why not?
I like making my 100 bucks a night, skimming a few dollars off the top.
Then going home and not thinking about this place until I come back.
-Fine, I'll buy it myself. -You can't even total out the register.
-Because it's your job. -Where you gonna get the money?
-I'll take out a loan. -Hm. Good luck with that.
Kermit, my buddy. What's the haps?
Not sure what that means, but life's good.
-Glad to hear it. -Where you been? Haven't seen you.
Working. Lunch break. Give me three shots.
Throw in a pickled egg, too, would you?
Still with that girlfriend?
-Estelle isn't it? KERMIT: Cynthia.
Cynthia. That's it. She's a keeper. Hang on to her.
I plan to.
Don't wanna cheat on her and mess up a good thing, Kermit.
Okay-
Kermit.
Interesting name. Like the frog, right?
Family name. Gaelic. Means "without envy." Way before the frog.
Someone was just mentioning you to me. Who was that?
Oh, that's right, Dottie Coronis.
Nice girl. Known each other since confirmation.
-Something about electrical work. -I been doing things around her place.
—Probab|y paint her house later this week. -Whoosh!
-That's a big job. -Yup.
-Anything else going on? -What do you mean?
-You know. -Frank.
She's dying. I'm helping her out.
-That's what friends do for each other. -Friends that want something.
-What? -Let's get one thing straight, Kermit.
I'm on to you. So you stay away from Butterface...
...if you know what's good for you.
-What the hell's wrong with him? -Got a couple hours?
[CELL PHONE RINGS AND FIONA SCOFFS]
-Hello? -Hey, remember me?
-We just had coffee together. -Short black guy, right?
-That's the one. So that was fun. -Yeah, it was.
-I hope I was a gentleman. -Of course you were.
Okay, good. Because I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea.
-About what? -Well, it's just that I like you.
If I weren't married, maybe things would be different.
-But you are. -I know. Right, of course.
I mean, I don't even know if you'd wanna be with me if I weren't married.
-You had your chance. -I did?
In high school. I told you that already.
Right. I thought you were talking about at coffee.
-No. -Not your thing?
Nope.
That's good. I like that about you. Shows character.
-Not many girls are like that. -ls it your thing?
Not up to this point.
If you had thrown yourself at me, who knows if] could’ve controlled myself?
Then I promise I never will.
But what if I wanna test it? See ifl can hold out.
You wouldn't be able to.
You've just given me something to think about on my drive home.
Thank you for having coffee with me, Miss Fiona Gallagher.
You're welcome, Craig Heisner.
My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.
-What? -Like throwing money out the window.
You should pick it up.
Oh. Okay.
Thanks.
[CROWD CHATTERS AND VERONICA LAUGHS]
FIONA: I thought it was a joke.
Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.
VERONICA: My steak is too rare. -Have this one, King Henry.
-What was the final tally in the purse? -Five hundred and twenty-six bucks.
Jesus. Who carries around that kind of cash?
Um....
-Kim Furtado. VERONICA: Some rich bitch.
IAN: In our neighborhood?
I was in Glencoe having coffee with a friend.
-That guy from your diary? FIONA: Shut up and eat your spaghetti taco.
You think it's real? And if so, can I have it?
It is. The LV's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow.
And the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation.
I read a lot.
Debs, have more salad. It's all you can eat.
In parts of India, they leave dead bodies on the street to be eaten by vultures.
-I can't wait to die. -Why?
To be closer to God. If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so it could happen sooner.
Oh.
LIP: Hey, Fi, you know what you should do? -Ride the L more often?
Here. Found her home number. Tell her you found her purse.
I bet she'll give you a reward. It went to voicemail. Leave a message.
Hi, Kim, my name's Fiona. I found your purse on the L.
Give me a call on your cell so that I can get it back to you. Okay, bye.
Perfect. Now, don't give it back unless she gives you at least 200 bucks.
That's how much we could get for it on eBay. All right.
Let's stock up on chicken nuggets for home.
I heart Sizzler.
It's a good thing I met up with Craig.
Othenivise, I never would've found the purse.
-He's married. -I'm talking about the purse.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Sheils. Door.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Karen, door.
[KNOCKI NG CONTINUES]
Oh, goddamn it.
Karen's not here.
I know. She's working at the tanning salon.
-Thanks for the update. -Actually, I came to see you.
FRANK: I'm busy.
I wanna marry Karen.
Hoping to get your blessing. I, uh....
I got her a ring.
Microscope come with that?
You know what, congratulations.
Why don't you go get us a couple of beers out of the fridge?
-Let's celebrate. -Great. Ha, ha.
I will stab you until you bleed to death if you don't quit it out.
LIP: Yo, buddy? Come here. -Shut up.
-Yeah? -You gotta get a job this summer...
-...so we can make it through winter. -I've been helping with daycare.
Eating mac and cheese is not helping.
Need to put a thousand bucks in the Squirrel Fund before school.
FIONA: Debs, Carl, a little help. -Go help your sister.
FIONA: Help?
LIP: This from the purse windfall? FIONA: Keeps on giving.
-Waffles. -Blueberry pancakes in there.
French toast and scrambled egg whites with sausage for Lieutenant Gallagher.
-Thanks, Fi. -Newspaper.
-Thank you. -New socks, Carl.
-Throw out the ones with holes in them. CARL: Awesome.
LIPS: A manicure? -Treated myself.
Nineteen people died in Chicago yesterday.
-Carton of smokes for you, Lip. DEBBIE: Wow.
This guy died of heat exhaustion. He was only 54.
People die from heat exhaustion?
Hey, put the rest of this away. I gotta go meet rich-purse woman.
LIP: Oh, she called? -This morning.
Hey, remember, no reward, no purse.
-Knock, knock. -What's all this?
Kermit can't paint your house this week.
Something about his herpes acting up. I think he got it from that girlfriend of his.
So I'm gonna do it. I brought you a couple things I thought you could use.
Batteries for your beeper. Working.
Those DVDs you wanted. They were 20 bucks each, but don't worry about it.
It's on me. Terms Of Endearment. Misery.
And Beaches starring that guy Bette Midler.
One more thing.
-What the hell's that? -An engagement ring.
-It's a little small, don't you think? -They were out of big ones.
-Who's it for? -You.
-You're not serious? -Serious as a heart attack.
Sorry, that was in poor taste.
-You wanna marry me? -Sure.
I could get my new heart any time now. Live a long life.
Well, then, let's live it together.
Not sure I wanna get stuck looking at your mug.
I'll wear a bag over my head.
[LAUGHING]
Sometimes you're funny, Gallagher.
[COUGHING]
Who am I kidding, I might only have a few weeks if my pager never beeps.
Don't you wanna die knowing someone loved you?
You don't love me.
-You're growing on me. -What is this about, Frank?
-You trying to get my pension? -You have a pension?
I told you. And I may be dead way before I can collect it.
Yes, but when you die, and let's hope that's not for another 20 years...
...your pension automatically goes to your spouse.
What spouse?
-Oh, for Christ's sakes. -I've busted my ass around here.
-It's only been two weeks. -Dottie...
...you worked for the city for 23 years.
Twenty-eight if you count the five I scraped gum off the sidewalk.
All the money you put in your pension will go to waste.
-You worked goddamn hard for it. -Why should you get it?
Because I'll keep your memory alive.
Tomorrow we'll go down to city hall and get hitched.
And when you pass, I'll light a candle for you every day.
I'll make sure the priest at St. Thomas Moore gives a mass...
...in your honor once a month. And I'll put flowers on your grave...
...at Easter and Mother's Day and your birthday.
I'll even make sure Kevin names a drink after you down at the Alibi.
And every night at last call, we'll have a toast...
...and drink to Dottie Coronis.
I won't let you be forgotten, Dot.
Okay-
Okay?
I'll be your wife.
Well, hot dog. That's my girl.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-YeS? ~Kim'_>
Can I help you? Guys, shh! Go dump the LEGOs, Mom will be in, in a minute.
-I have your purse. -Oh! Uh, thank you.
I didn't mean to be a bitch. Kids are driving me insane.
It's okay. I should get going.
-It's Fiona, right? -Yeah.
We just moved in. The neighbors aren't pleased with the noise.
—I thought you might be one of them. -No, I live on the South Side.
-I'm from Kenwood. -Back Of The Yards.
Shoot. You didn't see any money in here, did you?
No, I looked for your license and cell.
-What a drag. I had 500 bucks. My rent. -That sucks.
Bet some derelict on the train snagged it.
-Yeah. I'm sorry. -Do you wanna come in for coffee?
I can't, I gotta get to work.
Thanks again. Nice to know there are kind people.
Bye.
Guys, calm down.
What's all this stuff?
Fiona bought us breakfast with money she found.
Sweet.
So Stan's not doing too good.
Oh. You want me to go over and do my dance for him?
No, I think he's past the dance.
Looks like he's gonna need round-the-clock care.
-Mm. Can he afford that? -Funny you should ask. I have a plan.
Uh-oh.
-What uh-oh? -Your plans can be a little crazy pants.
-Case in point. -You like that plan now.
-I'm on the road to liking it. -I think you're gonna like this plan.
-I'm gonna buy the bar from Stan. -What?
-The Alibi Room, I'm gonna buy it. -With what? Your chains?
I'm gonna go to the loan store today and pick up some forms.
-You mean the bank? -Yeah.
-It's a big step. -lfl buy the bar...
...then Stan will have cash to pay for in-home care.
He won't have to go to some old-folks home like where you work.
That's a good idea.
Thank you.
V?
It's a great idea.
-That's a stupid idea. -I know. I couldn't tell him.
-He would suck at owning the bar. -He would suck at organizing underwear.
-He doesn't wear clean ones. -How much does a bar cost?
-More than the $85 we have in the bank. -My girls give good head, don't they?
[LAUGHS]
Louise is ready for you, Vickie. Come on, baby.
-I'm gonna pay that purse woman back. -Why?
She was nice.
Not rich at all. I feel bad. She had a bunch of kids running around.
You'll just return the next Louis Vuitton you find.
-I'd want the money if it happened to me. -You wouldn't leave your purse.
She deserves what she got for being dumb. Momma.
Should Fiona give that woman her money or keep it?
Depends on where you wanna spend eternity.
Rooming with Mother Teresa or Osama Bin Laden. Ha, ha, ha!
I'm giving it back.
Thought you spent it all on shrimp and waffles.
No, I have 112 left, so I need 414 more.
Picked up an extra shift at the club. I'm gonna just bust my ass till I make it.
You gonna just keep that dollar in your hand? Thank you.
-So how's your boyfriend, Joey? -Jody.
-Right. -Good.
-Looking for a job. -Hm.
-How's Ian's training going? -Well, physical stuff is great.
Academics suck.
-Job as what? -He's a tattoo artist.
Of course he is.
KAREN: Do you think |an'|| get into West Point? -Competition's tough.
But we have to try. Now, can you really call them artists...
...when all they're really doing is putting ink in somebody's arm?
-He's very good at what he does. -Sure.
-Do you want Ian to get in? -I don't know.
I mean, I don't want him tojust struggle keeping up and then have to enlist.
You know, I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. Of you.
You think Jody would do that for me?
Maybe |an'|| surprise you.
Well, I hope so.
Awesome. Heh, heh.
MAN: All yours. LIP: Yes, it is.
I'm gonna take a shower before Days Of Our Lives starts.
There's a lot of shit in here.
Well, I can't always make it to the toilet.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
I'm kidding, Frank.
[PAGER BEEPS]
DOTTIE [SINGING]: Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up my appetite
Lookin' forward to a little afternoon delight
[DOTTIE SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
[LINE RINGING THEN PICKS UP]
Yeah, you just paged me.
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Good afternoon, is this patient 1343791 7?
Yes. Well, her husband.
There was a bus crash on Interstate 494.
We've been informed there may be a heart available.
Um....
She-- She doesn't need it anymore.
What?
-She passed last night. -Please accept our condolences.
She was the love of my life. I don't know how I'm gonna survive.
We're so sorry an organ didn't become available in time.
Thank you.
[WHISTLING]
-You spelled Kevin wrong. -Ha, ha. Very funny.
VERONICA: Hey, babe.
-What you need me to sign? -Loan forms. Need you to fill them out.
They're, like, 20 pages long.
Kev, if you own the bar, I'm never gonna see you.
That's not true.
Sure it is. Business owners always work long hours.
—Look at the Wangs. -The Chicken Wang Wangs?
Yeah. Those kids are there all day.
-It's a full-time job for the entire family. -My hours won't change.
-I practically run this place now. -Excuse me? Who runs this joint?
-What, you think you do? -I make the schedule.
That's because I let you. It's called delegating.
-What's your mom's maiden name? -How we gonna swing this?
-The banks want 20 percent down. -Thirty.
But if I make an extra $1000 a week, I'll have enough in six months.
You never make more than a couple hundred.
I know. I'm planning to do special events every week.
-What kind of special events? -Disco nights. Singles mixers.
Throwing a beach party tomorrow to kick things off.
-A what? -Sand, tropical drinks, sun and fun.
Shit's cool, huh?
Yeah, really cool.
Seriously. Ha, ha.
-What are you doing? -Lost Karen's ring.
-Oh, man, that sucks. -I used all my savings to buy it.
FRANK: When I lose something, I like to say a prayer.
Something's lost and cannot be found. Please, St. Anthony, look around.
Okay-
-You seen Karen? -I don't have a prayer for that.
I have something to tell you.
What? Finally gonna let me plow the back fields?
-You already are. -Oh, shit, sorry.
That's okay.
I like it.
-So, what'd you wanna tell me? -We can't have sex anymore.
-What? -I'm pretty sure Jody's gonna propose.
Is that a good thing?
It's a great thing.
Oh.
Okay-
Boilermaker, Kev.
-You ever take out a loan? -Don't like the paper trail.
Always pay cash.
I'll just pull 150 grand out of my pocket and buy the bar myself.
You're just like everyone else, Kev. You know that?
-Always looking for a handout. -Fuck you, Frank.
"Can I borrow some money?" "Can I borrow your car?"
"-Can I borrow your organ?" -What the fuck are you talking about?
You know what's wrong with the organ-transplant system?
No, and I don't care. I doubt that'|| stop you.
If you're waiting for a new organ, you are just interfering with God's plan.
So God's plan is some kid dies because he didn't get a transplant?
-Why do you argue? -I don't know. I can't help myself.
God's plan is that you take what we are given...
...and don't complain.
No one is satisfied with what they have anymore.
Always trying to get something better.
I don't like my heart. I think I'll get on a list.
-Get a new one. Upgrade. -You talking about Butterface?
If you've got a bum heart, that's your lot in life.
Don't take someone else's. It's not yours.
She got along just fine with her heart all these years.
Why she gotta be greedy and want another one?
Could be worse. She could be like those people born without a heart.
You mean, dead people?
I work with a guy from Michigan. Only spoke English.
Got a liver transplant from a Mexican. Suddenly he speaks perfect Spanish.
And just because she's on some stupid list...
...how come she's the next one in line?
Maybe there's someone needier.
Or more deserving. Like a black woman.
Those people have gotten a bum rap in our society...
...being two minorities and all.
I should call V and tell her that.
From now on, only black ladies should get all the organ transplants.
Finally give them first crack at something in this lifetime.
CARL: I saw that.
I put more money in here than anyone, so zip it.
Thought we weren't supposed to touch the squirrel fund till Thanksgiving.
We're not, but I have to borrow 50 bucks so I can return all the money I found.
-We give stuff back when we find it? -No.
-What? -Finders keepers, losers weepers.
-Don't be telling him that. FRANK: It's the credo.
Find something, it's your lucky day and somebody else's shitty day.
Tomorrow it's gonna be the opposite.
-It's the balance of nature. -What are you doing here?
-Came to get my good suit. -Your good suit?
-I'm getting married today. -You're already married.
Technicality. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.
Every man for himself.
Don't listen to him, okay? We give stuff back.
I did the wrong thing, and now I'm gonna go do the right thing.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-Hey. -What you doing?
—Gotta run an errand up in Glencoe. -Well, I have a few minutes free.
You wanna take a detour and meet me?
I can't. Sorry. I wish I could.
No, it's okay. ljust thought I'd try. Bye.
Bye.
-What the hell, Kev? -Oh, shit, baby, I'm sorry.
-I was trying not to wake you. -What are you doing up?
Getting ready for the Beach Party at the Alibi Room.
-You're really gonna do this? -Oh, yeah.
I was thinking, it's gonna take a while for events nights to start making money.
That's probably true.
So let's take a cash advance out on the Capital One card.
-What? -I know we're saving it, but I called.
-They'll give us $5000. -Kev.
Or I could go to Vinnie. He came in last night.
Said he'd loan me enough.
-Offered to drop his interest rate. -Vinnie ‘The Shiv‘ Vinnie?
-Who cut that guy's head off? -He was never indicted.
—Doesn't mean it didn't happen. -We could go to your mom.
It's a horrible idea.
-What is? -Buying the bar. You're not doing it.
-I thought you said it was a good idea. -I love you, I do.
But you'd be terrible at it. You're better at doing one thing.
Owning a bar is like a juggling act. You don't have the head for that.
Are you calling me dumb?
-No. -Well, it sounds like you are.
-Maybe I'm too dumb to understand. -Not calling you dumb.
-You applied it. -"|mplied."
I know. I said it on purpose. To show you how dumb I am.
You're gonna ruin our credit. My mother's credit.
Maybe you could let me try before you get all negative.
Kev, be reasonable.
I gotta go to the bar and blow up my beach balls.
Hey, Dots. It's me. You ready?
Dottie, why aren't you dressed?
This is our big day. Chop, chop, city hall awaits.
I was watching the news.
There was an accident on I-494 yesterday.
Why don't you tell me about it on the bus ride down to city hall?
One of the victims had a B positive heart.
-A boy from Clark County got it. -He's a lucky guy. And so am I.
[SINGING] Because we're going to the chapel
And we're gonna get married
That was the heart I needed.
Oh, I'm sure there's another one just around the corner.
Come on, we should try to beat the rush of Mexicans getting married.
My doctor said B positive hearts are rare.
Huh?
Maybe come along once every six months. I looked it up online.
-No, no, lots of people are organ donors. -I won't last another six months.
You gotta keep a positive outlook, Dottie.
I'm ready to go now, Frank.
Take me to the bedroom.
Oh.
-No, no, no. I can't do that. -I'm halfway there as it is.
-We're not married. -Don't do this, Frank.
-I'm a very religious man. -I know that you've been playing me.
-What? -It's okay.
I've enjoyed our time together.
So have I.
You took care of me...
...and gave me companionship in my final weeks.
But my house is going to the National Coalition of Nuns.
And my money's gonna go to my daughter.
You said she wasn't speaking to you.
She doesn't.
But it's my fault.
I wasn't a good mother.
The booze. And I yelled.
And I hit her.
It's gotta go to her, Frank.
—I should be getting home to my kids. -I'll give you 2 grand.
-What? -Cash. It's in the freezer.
-Make it three? -Two and the flat screen.
If you care about me, you'll do this for me, Frank.
I wanna leave the lights on when we do it.
And eyes open.
[BOTH SCREAMING AND GRUNTING]
You feel so good.
Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Yeah. Yeah.
[GRUNTING]
Oh, my God.
Why didn't we do that a long time ago?
My girlfriend died.
You're still so warm.
FIONA: Hi.
-Hey. What's up? -I feel bad somebody swiped money.
-Yeah? -Yeah, I thought--
-Oh, please, like I don't know you took it. -What? No.
Come on, you stole my goddamn money. Admit it.
-I did not. -Of course you did.
You're a skanky, ghetto trash, hood girl.
Like you're all high and mighty because you moved and have a Louis Vuitton?
-Which you fucking swiped. -Which you were stupid enough to leave.
-Bitch. -Oh, you're the bitch.
Okay? I came here to be nice, but forget it now.
-Fuck you. -Oh, eat me.
-Whore. -Slut.
-Asshole. -Cunt.
-Off to steal another fucking purse? -Finders keepers, losers weepers.
Fuck you]
Fuck!
Hey, still free to get together?
VERONICA: Fi, you up here?
You wanna go to the Alibi with me? Spend some money, support Kev?
She went to give the purse woman her money back.
He's okay. Not dead.
Debs, what gives with this obsession about death?
-Nothing. -Come on, it's me.
Well, until Harry, I had no idea people I knew could die.
Honey, he was old.
Yeah, but that means my family is gonna die too.
-Yeah, in like 80 years. -And then I'll be all alone.
-What? -Men die first.
Lip, Ian, Carl, Liam. Then Fiona because she's older.
That just leaves me. All by myself.
Debs, there are way too many things you're gonna have to worry about.
Don't stress about this right now.
Yeah. But I can't shut off my brain.
Think about nice things. Flowers.
Ice cream. Puppies.
Can you do that?
I guess so.
What you thinking about now?
A puppy---
...getting hit by a car.
[VERONICA CHUCKLES]
Well, that's a start. Come here.
Why'd you wanna meet here?
You said I should've made a move on you in high school.
You should have.
Here we are.
You wanna pretend like we're back in high school?
We don't really have to pretend.
What do you mean?
In some time-space continuum, we still are in high school.
Like in a parallel universe?
-What about your wife? -I didn't have a wife in high school.
[CRAIG GRUNTING]
Seriously?
Ew.
MECHANICAL TOY VOICE: Zebra. Zebra.
Which one is the zebra?
Okay, you know what? I--
Which one is the zebra?
[CRAIG GASPING AND GRUNTING]
Good job.
[STEEL DRUMS PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
VERONICA: Here.
KATE: Two virgin pifia coladas. -Thank you, Kate.
Hey, baby.
Lenny. Lenny, what the fuck, man? This isn't a litter box.
-Don't say a word. -Didn't say anything.
-You were thinking it. -I was not.
-What you said this morning was mean. -I'm sorry. That's why I came.
-To show you support. -Oh, yeah?
-The beach party's a disaster. -The next one's gonna be better.
-Don't be chopping off my balls again. -I got nothing but love for your balls.
V, I really wanna buy this bar.
Fine. If the time comes where Stan needs to sell, we'll figure something out.
-But no Vinnie the Shiv. -Jesus Christ.
Squelch my dreams much?
[VERONICA GIGGLES]
KEVIN: Nice. Where'd you steal that one from, Frank?
Booze.
-Have you been crying? -Makers.
How many shots?
Bottle it is.
You look like you've seen a ghost, Frank.
Ring-
Frank. The prayer worked.
KAREN: Is that my ring?
[SCREAMS]
Yes, yes, yes.
[LAUGHING]
You okay, Daddy?
ljust looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.
I know what you mean.
You gotta just think of something nice.
[LINE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
H9)’-
H9)’-
How are you?
Good. You?
Good.
Just wanted to say hi.
Glad you did.
Bye.
[EXHALES]
Ow, ow, sweetie, watch your teeth.
ISIGHs[
ISIGHs[
[COUGHS]
[English - US - SDH]
-Who the hell is that? -A friend from group.
-Group? -Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Creepy that a guy twice your age doesn't try to get in your pants.
Stop talking and fuck me.
-You went to high school with Craig Heisner? -Mm-hm.
He's hot. Sent him your number.
-Don't. -Did.
-Wanted to see what it'd take to get in. -To West Point?
Call 911. Debbie?
It's Harry.
-What's wrong with Butterface? -Don't.
TOMMY: God gave her one hell of a rack and legs to die for--
MEN: But her face!
[MEN LAUGHING]
If they find a heart, they're supposed to beep me on this.
Means I go to the hospital.
She's gonna die soon, what are you after? Her home, her pension?
I may love her. I don't know.
Frank, I can't have sex.
If my BP goes above 120 over 80, my heart explodes.
If we fuck, I die.
[BOTH GASPING AND PANTING]
I had the biggest crush on you in school, Craig.
CRAIG: My God, you're beautiful.
I love you.
Dead people poop themselves.
[IN DEBB|E'S VOICE] Dead people poop themselves.
What?
-Dead people poop themselves. -Mm, Debs.
Harry pooped himself after he died.
ISIGHS]
-Harry? -Aunt Ginger's boyfriend.
ISIGHS]
I'm going back to sleep.
-He was my first dead person. -Finishing my nice dream now.
There are 200 euphemisms for death.
Kicked the bucket. Met his maker. Ate dirt. Six feet under. Pushing daisies.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
-Can't a brother get some sleep here? -Bit the dust.
Bought a pine condo. Went off the twig.
Basted the formaldehyde turkey.
Um.... Winning one for the reaper. Living impaired. Past his sell-by date.
Just add maggots.
Mm....
Retroactive abortion.
HEARST: Lip. LIP: Y0.
H9)’-
Colonel McNa||y's gonna meet us on the lower level.
That weed you gave me worked like a charm.
Yeah, you use it on your grad student?
Rachel. Hot. She loved the play list that you made for me.
She was so impressed with my collection of urban music...
...she let me go down on her. The alphabet. That's the key.
Drives them wild. If you're good, you'll never get to Z.
My record is M. There he is.
-Gentlemen. -Lip, this is Colonel Kirk McNal|y.
This is Phillip Gallagher.
He's interested in talking to you. One of the brightest kids I know.
-Right. -Vowels.
-Anywhere to get an espresso here? -I'll take you to the cafeteria.
What are you working on this summer?
I'm working on this device that reads credit card numbers off parking kiosks.
—Using a magnetic stripe reader? -Oh, no.
Card numbers aren't held on the cards anymore. It's done over Wi-Fi.
Why aren't you working on my project?
-Yeah, I'm still in high school, so.... -What?
What are we doing? Why am I wasting my time?
I was hoping you tell me about West Point.
Like what's a kid gotta do to get in?
Suck my dick.
[SCOFFS]
If you're as smart as Hearst says you are...
...work on my project, I'll tell you all about West Point.
Don't use wooden clips on my bras, they'll snag. Use plastic ones.
Okay, sure.
You worked for the city, right? CDOT was it?
Is this us getting to know each other? Yeah, I painted curbs.
-Heh, heh, someone does that? -Think they paint themselves?
Thought there was a machine.
A machine called Dorothy Coronis for 23 years. You're welcome.
Twenty-three years? That's a nice pension.
Too bad I won't live long enough to collect.
You been dating anyone since Charlie stroked out on the toilet?
There's been a few. Give or take a couple dozen. Ha, ha!
-Anyone special? -Ha!
What do I want someone special for? To be underfoot all the time? No, thanks.
I have Rochelle, Evelyn, Kermit, my cat, Snowshoes.
—Kermit? -Yeah, from down at the bar.
He's been coming around here?
-We're friends. -I don't trust him.
His features are too close together.
He's been doing some electrical work for me.
Electrical work, my ass.
VERONICA: Fi, you home? -Upstairs.
My mom needs help down at her salon tomorrow. You in?
-Sure. -Wow, middle-of-the-day makeup.
-What's the occasion? -Craig Heisner texted me back.
-Who? -That guy from my high school diary.
-Asked if I wanted to have coffee. -Coffee or banging?
He's married. I don't need somebody else's backwash.
So you won't be getting up on my Kevin any time soon?
Ew. He's like my brother. It'd be like making out with you.
You know you want to. So why you meeting Craig Heisner then?
Connect with a friend. Curious to see how he looks.
He thinks you gonna hook up.
Doesn't mean it's gonna happen.
Why would a married man be meeting his old flame?
We were never old flames. He barely noticed me in high school.
So you're going there to make him jealous?
"Here's what you could've had, Craig Heisner."
-Oh-doh, oh-doh -Ha, ha, ha!
Does everything have to be an ass shake?
-Sometimes it's a boob shake. -Okay.
-How do I look? -Like me.
Oh, shit.
Hey, you filthy fucking Portagees, I know you fucked my sister.
I'm gonna come down there and I'm gonna kick your ass.
Stan, what are you doing? Get in here. You're gonna get shot.
STAN: Yeah.
-Put some pants on. -I got pants on.
Really? Then those are the ugliest pair of flesh pants I've ever seen.
STAN: Oh.
-Oh, Dinty Moore again? -Come on, you love this stuff.
Yeah, but don't give me the one with the low sodium. It tastes like dog shit.
-What, the one with full sodium doesn't? -No, actually, it's delicious.
So I could pick up a pile of dog shit and you'd eat it?
Well, if it had enough salt on it.
I'll keep that in mind. Here.
What the hell is that?
-Receipts from the bar last night. -Bar? What bar?
The Alibi Room. Downstairs. You own it.
Oh, I know that. Just give me the goddamn money.
-Here we go. -Thanks.
-So Fiona Gallagher. -Craig Heisner.
-You look good. -You too.
So, what've you been up to since graduation?
I never graduated.
My mom split myjunior year. So I had to quit school, take care of the family.
-Well, that sucks. -It is what it is.
-What'd you do after graduation? -Went into business with my dad.
-Concrete. -Well, that's good.
Yeah, ha.
-I was surprised to hear from you. -I didn't think you'd remember me.
How could I not? You had the best ass in class.
Ha, ha, I can still picture you in those sexy shorts...
...running track during our football practices.
Did you know I had a crush on you?
Back then or now?
Ha, ha, ha, I might've had an inkling.
So how come you neverjumped me?
—l was afraid you might reject me. -No, no.
-You neverjumped me. -You were a senior, I was a sophomore.
And for the record, you know, I wouldn't have rejected you.
-Now you tell me. -Besides...
...you were with that bitchy cheerleader. What was her name? Lucy Joe?
Yeah.
You mean my wife?
-Oh, shit, sorry. -It's cool.
-Still together? -We had a few breakups...
...but we've been together since we were 15.
What about you?
We haven't been together since we were 15.
There's nothing we can do about that now, can we?
No. You had to go mess everything up by getting married.
-We would've been good together too. -Probably, yeah. Would've been great.
-Guess we'll never find out now. -Guess not.
[GRUNTING]
-Ah, dude, stop. -It's the best way to get abs.
-Saw it on a YouTube video. -Hey, fuckwad.
-Dickhead. -What are you doing?
Helping Ian train.
Yo, I was at the lab talking to this Army guy from the Pentagon.
-He's a colonel. -Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I thought he could tell us a bit more about West Point.
-He was a student there. -They're called cadets.
DEB [SINGING]: I will burn foryou Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife And bleed my aching heart--
-What's with Debs? -Obsessed with death.
I thought this guy might be a good lead.
I don't know. Took that practice trig test today. Only got a 73.
Five points higher than last time.
I cheated.
Why do you wanna go in the Army?
You're gonna get shot through the butt hole.
Hey, the only reason you're not in summer school...
...is because they wouldn't have you.
I hate when they bunt. It's a pussy move.
You're such a girl.
Don't make me pull out my penis to prove you wrong.
-Ho, ho, ho, hello. -Stan's losing his marbles.
-What happened? -He shouldn't be left alone up there.
-Call his daughter. -What if she wants to put him in a home?
-Might be the best thing. -He wants to stay.
So did my mother, even after she started shitting in the kitchen drawers.
Hey, what about you and me, we chip in, we buy the bar?
-What? -It'll give him money...
-...for round-the-clock care. -Not interested.
When he goes, someone's gonna buy this place.
What if they turn it into a Friday's?
-I look good in stripes. -We buy the bar from Stan...
...he gets to stay and we keep ourjobs.
-No. -Why not?
I like making my 100 bucks a night, skimming a few dollars off the top.
Then going home and not thinking about this place until I come back.
-Fine, I'll buy it myself. -You can't even total out the register.
-Because it's your job. -Where you gonna get the money?
-I'll take out a loan. -Hm. Good luck with that.
Kermit, my buddy. What's the haps?
Not sure what that means, but life's good.
-Glad to hear it. -Where you been? Haven't seen you.
Working. Lunch break. Give me three shots.
Throw in a pickled egg, too, would you?
Still with that girlfriend?
-Estelle isn't it? KERMIT: Cynthia.
Cynthia. That's it. She's a keeper. Hang on to her.
I plan to.
Don't wanna cheat on her and mess up a good thing, Kermit.
Okay-
Kermit.
Interesting name. Like the frog, right?
Family name. Gaelic. Means "without envy." Way before the frog.
Someone was just mentioning you to me. Who was that?
Oh, that's right, Dottie Coronis.
Nice girl. Known each other since confirmation.
-Something about electrical work. -I been doing things around her place.
—Probab|y paint her house later this week. -Whoosh!
-That's a big job. -Yup.
-Anything else going on? -What do you mean?
-You know. -Frank.
She's dying. I'm helping her out.
-That's what friends do for each other. -Friends that want something.
-What? -Let's get one thing straight, Kermit.
I'm on to you. So you stay away from Butterface...
...if you know what's good for you.
-What the hell's wrong with him? -Got a couple hours?
[CELL PHONE RINGS AND FIONA SCOFFS]
-Hello? -Hey, remember me?
-We just had coffee together. -Short black guy, right?
-That's the one. So that was fun. -Yeah, it was.
-I hope I was a gentleman. -Of course you were.
Okay, good. Because I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea.
-About what? -Well, it's just that I like you.
If I weren't married, maybe things would be different.
-But you are. -I know. Right, of course.
I mean, I don't even know if you'd wanna be with me if I weren't married.
-You had your chance. -I did?
In high school. I told you that already.
Right. I thought you were talking about at coffee.
-No. -Not your thing?
Nope.
That's good. I like that about you. Shows character.
-Not many girls are like that. -ls it your thing?
Not up to this point.
If you had thrown yourself at me, who knows if] could’ve controlled myself?
Then I promise I never will.
But what if I wanna test it? See ifl can hold out.
You wouldn't be able to.
You've just given me something to think about on my drive home.
Thank you for having coffee with me, Miss Fiona Gallagher.
You're welcome, Craig Heisner.
My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.
-What? -Like throwing money out the window.
You should pick it up.
Oh. Okay.
Thanks.
[CROWD CHATTERS AND VERONICA LAUGHS]
FIONA: I thought it was a joke.
Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.
VERONICA: My steak is too rare. -Have this one, King Henry.
-What was the final tally in the purse? -Five hundred and twenty-six bucks.
Jesus. Who carries around that kind of cash?
Um....
-Kim Furtado. VERONICA: Some rich bitch.
IAN: In our neighborhood?
I was in Glencoe having coffee with a friend.
-That guy from your diary? FIONA: Shut up and eat your spaghetti taco.
You think it's real? And if so, can I have it?
It is. The LV's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow.
And the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation.
I read a lot.
Debs, have more salad. It's all you can eat.
In parts of India, they leave dead bodies on the street to be eaten by vultures.
-I can't wait to die. -Why?
To be closer to God. If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so it could happen sooner.
Oh.
LIP: Hey, Fi, you know what you should do? -Ride the L more often?
Here. Found her home number. Tell her you found her purse.
I bet she'll give you a reward. It went to voicemail. Leave a message.
Hi, Kim, my name's Fiona. I found your purse on the L.
Give me a call on your cell so that I can get it back to you. Okay, bye.
Perfect. Now, don't give it back unless she gives you at least 200 bucks.
That's how much we could get for it on eBay. All right.
Let's stock up on chicken nuggets for home.
I heart Sizzler.
It's a good thing I met up with Craig.
Othenivise, I never would've found the purse.
-He's married. -I'm talking about the purse.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Sheils. Door.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Karen, door.
[KNOCKI NG CONTINUES]
Oh, goddamn it.
Karen's not here.
I know. She's working at the tanning salon.
-Thanks for the update. -Actually, I came to see you.
FRANK: I'm busy.
I wanna marry Karen.
Hoping to get your blessing. I, uh....
I got her a ring.
Microscope come with that?
You know what, congratulations.
Why don't you go get us a couple of beers out of the fridge?
-Let's celebrate. -Great. Ha, ha.
I will stab you until you bleed to death if you don't quit it out.
LIP: Yo, buddy? Come here. -Shut up.
-Yeah? -You gotta get a job this summer...
-...so we can make it through winter. -I've been helping with daycare.
Eating mac and cheese is not helping.
Need to put a thousand bucks in the Squirrel Fund before school.
FIONA: Debs, Carl, a little help. -Go help your sister.
FIONA: Help?
LIP: This from the purse windfall? FIONA: Keeps on giving.
-Waffles. -Blueberry pancakes in there.
French toast and scrambled egg whites with sausage for Lieutenant Gallagher.
-Thanks, Fi. -Newspaper.
-Thank you. -New socks, Carl.
-Throw out the ones with holes in them. CARL: Awesome.
LIPS: A manicure? -Treated myself.
Nineteen people died in Chicago yesterday.
-Carton of smokes for you, Lip. DEBBIE: Wow.
This guy died of heat exhaustion. He was only 54.
People die from heat exhaustion?
Hey, put the rest of this away. I gotta go meet rich-purse woman.
LIP: Oh, she called? -This morning.
Hey, remember, no reward, no purse.
-Knock, knock. -What's all this?
Kermit can't paint your house this week.
Something about his herpes acting up. I think he got it from that girlfriend of his.
So I'm gonna do it. I brought you a couple things I thought you could use.
Batteries for your beeper. Working.
Those DVDs you wanted. They were 20 bucks each, but don't worry about it.
It's on me. Terms Of Endearment. Misery.
And Beaches starring that guy Bette Midler.
One more thing.
-What the hell's that? -An engagement ring.
-It's a little small, don't you think? -They were out of big ones.
-Who's it for? -You.
-You're not serious? -Serious as a heart attack.
Sorry, that was in poor taste.
-You wanna marry me? -Sure.
I could get my new heart any time now. Live a long life.
Well, then, let's live it together.
Not sure I wanna get stuck looking at your mug.
I'll wear a bag over my head.
[LAUGHING]
Sometimes you're funny, Gallagher.
[COUGHING]
Who am I kidding, I might only have a few weeks if my pager never beeps.
Don't you wanna die knowing someone loved you?
You don't love me.
-You're growing on me. -What is this about, Frank?
-You trying to get my pension? -You have a pension?
I told you. And I may be dead way before I can collect it.
Yes, but when you die, and let's hope that's not for another 20 years...
...your pension automatically goes to your spouse.
What spouse?
-Oh, for Christ's sakes. -I've busted my ass around here.
-It's only been two weeks. -Dottie...
...you worked for the city for 23 years.
Twenty-eight if you count the five I scraped gum off the sidewalk.
All the money you put in your pension will go to waste.
-You worked goddamn hard for it. -Why should you get it?
Because I'll keep your memory alive.
Tomorrow we'll go down to city hall and get hitched.
And when you pass, I'll light a candle for you every day.
I'll make sure the priest at St. Thomas Moore gives a mass...
...in your honor once a month. And I'll put flowers on your grave...
...at Easter and Mother's Day and your birthday.
I'll even make sure Kevin names a drink after you down at the Alibi.
And every night at last call, we'll have a toast...
...and drink to Dottie Coronis.
I won't let you be forgotten, Dot.
Okay-
Okay?
I'll be your wife.
Well, hot dog. That's my girl.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-YeS? ~Kim'_>
Can I help you? Guys, shh! Go dump the LEGOs, Mom will be in, in a minute.
-I have your purse. -Oh! Uh, thank you.
I didn't mean to be a bitch. Kids are driving me insane.
It's okay. I should get going.
-It's Fiona, right? -Yeah.
We just moved in. The neighbors aren't pleased with the noise.
—I thought you might be one of them. -No, I live on the South Side.
-I'm from Kenwood. -Back Of The Yards.
Shoot. You didn't see any money in here, did you?
No, I looked for your license and cell.
-What a drag. I had 500 bucks. My rent. -That sucks.
Bet some derelict on the train snagged it.
-Yeah. I'm sorry. -Do you wanna come in for coffee?
I can't, I gotta get to work.
Thanks again. Nice to know there are kind people.
Bye.
Guys, calm down.
What's all this stuff?
Fiona bought us breakfast with money she found.
Sweet.
So Stan's not doing too good.
Oh. You want me to go over and do my dance for him?
No, I think he's past the dance.
Looks like he's gonna need round-the-clock care.
-Mm. Can he afford that? -Funny you should ask. I have a plan.
Uh-oh.
-What uh-oh? -Your plans can be a little crazy pants.
-Case in point. -You like that plan now.
-I'm on the road to liking it. -I think you're gonna like this plan.
-I'm gonna buy the bar from Stan. -What?
-The Alibi Room, I'm gonna buy it. -With what? Your chains?
I'm gonna go to the loan store today and pick up some forms.
-You mean the bank? -Yeah.
-It's a big step. -lfl buy the bar...
...then Stan will have cash to pay for in-home care.
He won't have to go to some old-folks home like where you work.
That's a good idea.
Thank you.
V?
It's a great idea.
-That's a stupid idea. -I know. I couldn't tell him.
-He would suck at owning the bar. -He would suck at organizing underwear.
-He doesn't wear clean ones. -How much does a bar cost?
-More than the $85 we have in the bank. -My girls give good head, don't they?
[LAUGHS]
Louise is ready for you, Vickie. Come on, baby.
-I'm gonna pay that purse woman back. -Why?
She was nice.
Not rich at all. I feel bad. She had a bunch of kids running around.
You'll just return the next Louis Vuitton you find.
-I'd want the money if it happened to me. -You wouldn't leave your purse.
She deserves what she got for being dumb. Momma.
Should Fiona give that woman her money or keep it?
Depends on where you wanna spend eternity.
Rooming with Mother Teresa or Osama Bin Laden. Ha, ha, ha!
I'm giving it back.
Thought you spent it all on shrimp and waffles.
No, I have 112 left, so I need 414 more.
Picked up an extra shift at the club. I'm gonna just bust my ass till I make it.
You gonna just keep that dollar in your hand? Thank you.
-So how's your boyfriend, Joey? -Jody.
-Right. -Good.
-Looking for a job. -Hm.
-How's Ian's training going? -Well, physical stuff is great.
Academics suck.
-Job as what? -He's a tattoo artist.
Of course he is.
KAREN: Do you think |an'|| get into West Point? -Competition's tough.
But we have to try. Now, can you really call them artists...
...when all they're really doing is putting ink in somebody's arm?
-He's very good at what he does. -Sure.
-Do you want Ian to get in? -I don't know.
I mean, I don't want him tojust struggle keeping up and then have to enlist.
You know, I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. Of you.
You think Jody would do that for me?
Maybe |an'|| surprise you.
Well, I hope so.
Awesome. Heh, heh.
MAN: All yours. LIP: Yes, it is.
I'm gonna take a shower before Days Of Our Lives starts.
There's a lot of shit in here.
Well, I can't always make it to the toilet.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
I'm kidding, Frank.
[PAGER BEEPS]
DOTTIE [SINGING]: Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up my appetite
Lookin' forward to a little afternoon delight
[DOTTIE SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
[LINE RINGING THEN PICKS UP]
Yeah, you just paged me.
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Good afternoon, is this patient 1343791 7?
Yes. Well, her husband.
There was a bus crash on Interstate 494.
We've been informed there may be a heart available.
Um....
She-- She doesn't need it anymore.
What?
-She passed last night. -Please accept our condolences.
She was the love of my life. I don't know how I'm gonna survive.
We're so sorry an organ didn't become available in time.
Thank you.
[WHISTLING]
-You spelled Kevin wrong. -Ha, ha. Very funny.
VERONICA: Hey, babe.
-What you need me to sign? -Loan forms. Need you to fill them out.
They're, like, 20 pages long.
Kev, if you own the bar, I'm never gonna see you.
That's not true.
Sure it is. Business owners always work long hours.
—Look at the Wangs. -The Chicken Wang Wangs?
Yeah. Those kids are there all day.
-It's a full-time job for the entire family. -My hours won't change.
-I practically run this place now. -Excuse me? Who runs this joint?
-What, you think you do? -I make the schedule.
That's because I let you. It's called delegating.
-What's your mom's maiden name? -How we gonna swing this?
-The banks want 20 percent down. -Thirty.
But if I make an extra $1000 a week, I'll have enough in six months.
You never make more than a couple hundred.
I know. I'm planning to do special events every week.
-What kind of special events? -Disco nights. Singles mixers.
Throwing a beach party tomorrow to kick things off.
-A what? -Sand, tropical drinks, sun and fun.
Shit's cool, huh?
Yeah, really cool.
Seriously. Ha, ha.
-What are you doing? -Lost Karen's ring.
-Oh, man, that sucks. -I used all my savings to buy it.
FRANK: When I lose something, I like to say a prayer.
Something's lost and cannot be found. Please, St. Anthony, look around.
Okay-
-You seen Karen? -I don't have a prayer for that.
I have something to tell you.
What? Finally gonna let me plow the back fields?
-You already are. -Oh, shit, sorry.
That's okay.
I like it.
-So, what'd you wanna tell me? -We can't have sex anymore.
-What? -I'm pretty sure Jody's gonna propose.
Is that a good thing?
It's a great thing.
Oh.
Okay-
Boilermaker, Kev.
-You ever take out a loan? -Don't like the paper trail.
Always pay cash.
I'll just pull 150 grand out of my pocket and buy the bar myself.
You're just like everyone else, Kev. You know that?
-Always looking for a handout. -Fuck you, Frank.
"Can I borrow some money?" "Can I borrow your car?"
"-Can I borrow your organ?" -What the fuck are you talking about?
You know what's wrong with the organ-transplant system?
No, and I don't care. I doubt that'|| stop you.
If you're waiting for a new organ, you are just interfering with God's plan.
So God's plan is some kid dies because he didn't get a transplant?
-Why do you argue? -I don't know. I can't help myself.
God's plan is that you take what we are given...
...and don't complain.
No one is satisfied with what they have anymore.
Always trying to get something better.
I don't like my heart. I think I'll get on a list.
-Get a new one. Upgrade. -You talking about Butterface?
If you've got a bum heart, that's your lot in life.
Don't take someone else's. It's not yours.
She got along just fine with her heart all these years.
Why she gotta be greedy and want another one?
Could be worse. She could be like those people born without a heart.
You mean, dead people?
I work with a guy from Michigan. Only spoke English.
Got a liver transplant from a Mexican. Suddenly he speaks perfect Spanish.
And just because she's on some stupid list...
...how come she's the next one in line?
Maybe there's someone needier.
Or more deserving. Like a black woman.
Those people have gotten a bum rap in our society...
...being two minorities and all.
I should call V and tell her that.
From now on, only black ladies should get all the organ transplants.
Finally give them first crack at something in this lifetime.
CARL: I saw that.
I put more money in here than anyone, so zip it.
Thought we weren't supposed to touch the squirrel fund till Thanksgiving.
We're not, but I have to borrow 50 bucks so I can return all the money I found.
-We give stuff back when we find it? -No.
-What? -Finders keepers, losers weepers.
-Don't be telling him that. FRANK: It's the credo.
Find something, it's your lucky day and somebody else's shitty day.
Tomorrow it's gonna be the opposite.
-It's the balance of nature. -What are you doing here?
-Came to get my good suit. -Your good suit?
-I'm getting married today. -You're already married.
Technicality. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.
Every man for himself.
Don't listen to him, okay? We give stuff back.
I did the wrong thing, and now I'm gonna go do the right thing.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-Hey. -What you doing?
—Gotta run an errand up in Glencoe. -Well, I have a few minutes free.
You wanna take a detour and meet me?
I can't. Sorry. I wish I could.
No, it's okay. ljust thought I'd try. Bye.
Bye.
-What the hell, Kev? -Oh, shit, baby, I'm sorry.
-I was trying not to wake you. -What are you doing up?
Getting ready for the Beach Party at the Alibi Room.
-You're really gonna do this? -Oh, yeah.
I was thinking, it's gonna take a while for events nights to start making money.
That's probably true.
So let's take a cash advance out on the Capital One card.
-What? -I know we're saving it, but I called.
-They'll give us $5000. -Kev.
Or I could go to Vinnie. He came in last night.
Said he'd loan me enough.
-Offered to drop his interest rate. -Vinnie ‘The Shiv‘ Vinnie?
-Who cut that guy's head off? -He was never indicted.
—Doesn't mean it didn't happen. -We could go to your mom.
It's a horrible idea.
-What is? -Buying the bar. You're not doing it.
-I thought you said it was a good idea. -I love you, I do.
But you'd be terrible at it. You're better at doing one thing.
Owning a bar is like a juggling act. You don't have the head for that.
Are you calling me dumb?
-No. -Well, it sounds like you are.
-Maybe I'm too dumb to understand. -Not calling you dumb.
-You applied it. -"|mplied."
I know. I said it on purpose. To show you how dumb I am.
You're gonna ruin our credit. My mother's credit.
Maybe you could let me try before you get all negative.
Kev, be reasonable.
I gotta go to the bar and blow up my beach balls.
Hey, Dots. It's me. You ready?
Dottie, why aren't you dressed?
This is our big day. Chop, chop, city hall awaits.
I was watching the news.
There was an accident on I-494 yesterday.
Why don't you tell me about it on the bus ride down to city hall?
One of the victims had a B positive heart.
-A boy from Clark County got it. -He's a lucky guy. And so am I.
[SINGING] Because we're going to the chapel
And we're gonna get married
That was the heart I needed.
Oh, I'm sure there's another one just around the corner.
Come on, we should try to beat the rush of Mexicans getting married.
My doctor said B positive hearts are rare.
Huh?
Maybe come along once every six months. I looked it up online.
-No, no, lots of people are organ donors. -I won't last another six months.
You gotta keep a positive outlook, Dottie.
I'm ready to go now, Frank.
Take me to the bedroom.
Oh.
-No, no, no. I can't do that. -I'm halfway there as it is.
-We're not married. -Don't do this, Frank.
-I'm a very religious man. -I know that you've been playing me.
-What? -It's okay.
I've enjoyed our time together.
So have I.
You took care of me...
...and gave me companionship in my final weeks.
But my house is going to the National Coalition of Nuns.
And my money's gonna go to my daughter.
You said she wasn't speaking to you.
She doesn't.
But it's my fault.
I wasn't a good mother.
The booze. And I yelled.
And I hit her.
It's gotta go to her, Frank.
—I should be getting home to my kids. -I'll give you 2 grand.
-What? -Cash. It's in the freezer.
-Make it three? -Two and the flat screen.
If you care about me, you'll do this for me, Frank.
I wanna leave the lights on when we do it.
And eyes open.
[BOTH SCREAMING AND GRUNTING]
You feel so good.
Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Yeah. Yeah.
[GRUNTING]
Oh, my God.
Why didn't we do that a long time ago?
My girlfriend died.
You're still so warm.
FIONA: Hi.
-Hey. What's up? -I feel bad somebody swiped money.
-Yeah? -Yeah, I thought--
-Oh, please, like I don't know you took it. -What? No.
Come on, you stole my goddamn money. Admit it.
-I did not. -Of course you did.
You're a skanky, ghetto trash, hood girl.
Like you're all high and mighty because you moved and have a Louis Vuitton?
-Which you fucking swiped. -Which you were stupid enough to leave.
-Bitch. -Oh, you're the bitch.
Okay? I came here to be nice, but forget it now.
-Fuck you. -Oh, eat me.
-Whore. -Slut.
-Asshole. -Cunt.
-Off to steal another fucking purse? -Finders keepers, losers weepers.
Fuck you]
Fuck!
Hey, still free to get together?
VERONICA: Fi, you up here?
You wanna go to the Alibi with me? Spend some money, support Kev?
She went to give the purse woman her money back.
He's okay. Not dead.
Debs, what gives with this obsession about death?
-Nothing. -Come on, it's me.
Well, until Harry, I had no idea people I knew could die.
Honey, he was old.
Yeah, but that means my family is gonna die too.
-Yeah, in like 80 years. -And then I'll be all alone.
-What? -Men die first.
Lip, Ian, Carl, Liam. Then Fiona because she's older.
That just leaves me. All by myself.
Debs, there are way too many things you're gonna have to worry about.
Don't stress about this right now.
Yeah. But I can't shut off my brain.
Think about nice things. Flowers.
Ice cream. Puppies.
Can you do that?
I guess so.
What you thinking about now?
A puppy---
...getting hit by a car.
[VERONICA CHUCKLES]
Well, that's a start. Come here.
Why'd you wanna meet here?
You said I should've made a move on you in high school.
You should have.
Here we are.
You wanna pretend like we're back in high school?
We don't really have to pretend.
What do you mean?
In some time-space continuum, we still are in high school.
Like in a parallel universe?
-What about your wife? -I didn't have a wife in high school.
[CRAIG GRUNTING]
Seriously?
Ew.
MECHANICAL TOY VOICE: Zebra. Zebra.
Which one is the zebra?
Okay, you know what? I--
Which one is the zebra?
[CRAIG GASPING AND GRUNTING]
Good job.
[STEEL DRUMS PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
VERONICA: Here.
KATE: Two virgin pifia coladas. -Thank you, Kate.
Hey, baby.
Lenny. Lenny, what the fuck, man? This isn't a litter box.
-Don't say a word. -Didn't say anything.
-You were thinking it. -I was not.
-What you said this morning was mean. -I'm sorry. That's why I came.
-To show you support. -Oh, yeah?
-The beach party's a disaster. -The next one's gonna be better.
-Don't be chopping off my balls again. -I got nothing but love for your balls.
V, I really wanna buy this bar.
Fine. If the time comes where Stan needs to sell, we'll figure something out.
-But no Vinnie the Shiv. -Jesus Christ.
Squelch my dreams much?
[VERONICA GIGGLES]
KEVIN: Nice. Where'd you steal that one from, Frank?
Booze.
-Have you been crying? -Makers.
How many shots?
Bottle it is.
You look like you've seen a ghost, Frank.
Ring-
Frank. The prayer worked.
KAREN: Is that my ring?
[SCREAMS]
Yes, yes, yes.
[LAUGHING]
You okay, Daddy?
ljust looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.
I know what you mean.
You gotta just think of something nice.
[LINE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
H9)’-
H9)’-
How are you?
Good. You?
Good.
Just wanted to say hi.
Glad you did.
Bye.
[EXHALES]
Ow, ow, sweetie, watch your teeth.
ISIGHs[
ISIGHs[
[COUGHS]
[English - US - SDH]