Shameless (2011–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake - full transcript

Hey, what are you doing here?

You didn't even watch
last week's Shameless.

Get the fuck out of my truck.

[Carl] Something weird
happened with Tish.

She didn't wanna use a condom,
but I did.

I tried to pull out,
but she wrapped her legs

so tight
and wouldn't let me.

She raped you.

Are we in a relationship?

[Royal] Sandy!

Who's that?

It's my fucking husband.

Your what?

Now all I gotta do
is get Black folks

moving back
into the neighborhood.

Black folks
don't shoot up schools.

When Mikaela has
a problem with Laquon,

she knows she gotta go
to his mama's house,

handle it there.

We can stash the bikes in here
till you find some buyers.

You're cool letting us use
your gym?

How much?

Five percent.

Deal.

I saw my dad yesterday.

I told him about us maybe
taking over my old bedroom.

No, no, no, absolutely not.

We're, uh...we're thinking
we wanna sell the house,

the Gallagher house.

Fuck that.

[nurse] A woman found you
unconscious

and bleeding behind a Dumpster.

[Frank] Dementia?

rock music

Think of all
the luck you got

Know that
it's not for naught

You were beaming
once before

But it's not like that
anymore

What is this downside

That you speak of?

What is this feeling

You're so sure of?

Round up
the friends you got

Know that
they're not for naught

You were willing
once before

But it's not like that
anymore

What is this downside

That you speak of?

What is this feeling

You're so sure of?

[humming]

Good morning,
oh brother of mine.

Made you breakfast.

-[humming]
-What's with her?

I wouldn't trust it.

upbeat rock music

Good morning, boys.

Look what I made.

Your favorite.

Why the fuck are you
touching me right now?

Tami, Phillip,
bacon rainbows?

Flower pancakes?

[Tami] Uh, we're good.

Uh, good.
Thanks, though.

Hey, bud.

So, um...

things got a little bit heated
last night,

but now that
we've all slept on it,

I would like to reopen
the discussion

about fixing up the house
to sell.

Um...

if we knocked out
a couple walls,

created a more open floor plan,

we could add 30 grand
to the sale price.

[sighs]
Debs, what do you think?

Oh, Phillip...
Well, I think

you can take
your open floor plan

-and lick my vagina.
-[Mickey] Gross.

Jesus fucking Christ,
what is the big deal?

I grew up here.

Yeah, we all grew up here.

Maybe our kids can grow up
someplace nicer.

Yeah, maybe somewhere
Frank doesn't live.

Oh, I see what this is.

It's not even your idea.

Fucking
Little Miss Middle Class

wants her townhouse in Pilsen.

Whoa, hold on a second.
I didn't even--

How hard did you have
to twist his little nut sack

for him to do what you wanted?

[Lip] Nobody twisted
my nut sack, all right?

And it doesn't matter
whose idea this is.

It's a good idea.

You are the only one
who doesn't think so.

Well, Ian only thinks so
because you think so.

-What?
-And Carl's too stupid to think

-anything at all.
-Hey, that's not true.

Mickey and I have been
saving up to get our own place.

When did that idea come?
Right when Lip moved out.

"Lip got his own place.
I should too."

That's bullshit.

I don't just do things
'cause Lip says.

Well, you sort of do, though.

[laughs]

Name one thing.

Switched from tighty-whiteys
to boxers 'cause Lip did.

I had a fungus issue.
Boxers air the boys out better.

Totally.
Who told you that again?

Lip.
Fuck the both of you.

I'm my own man.

Okay, big shot.
Why don't you tell Lip

you don't wanna sell
the house, then?

Mickey, hey, stop.
Family only.

Mickey's family.

Yeah, well, he's just saying--

This doesn't concern you, Tami.

Yeah, none of this
concerns you, Tami.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So Mickey's family,

but Tami's not family?

Yeah.
They're married.

Tami has no right to tell you
to sell my house.

Oh, my God.
I didn't tell him

to do anything.

-What the fuck?
-All right, back off.

All right?
I got this.

Wow.

Carl, we sell,
we each get 20 grand.

Right?
Maybe more, okay?

You could get
a sick bachelor pad for that.

Awesome.

You're gonna have to clean
that bachelor pad

-and cook your own meals.
-Shit.

[Lip] You'll be able
to have sex

without someone barging in
and asking for deodorant.

[Debbie] But you'll have to pay
your own bills.

Look, you can do that online.
It's easy.

Carl doesn't know which remote
turns the TV on.

You think he can pay
his own bills online?

Debbie, you can't just insult
your way

into getting what you want.

And you can't fuck your way

into getting
what you want, Tami!

-[Lip] Hey!
-[laughs]

The fuck is so funny?

I mean, why do you all
still live together?

You obviously hate each other.

-We don't hate each other.
-We don't all hate each other.

-We just all hate Debbie.
-[Sandy laughs]

Hey, Ian doesn't hate Lip.
Ian loves Lip.

Lip is his only friend
in the whole fucking world.

Oh, fuck you, Debbie.

-She's not wrong, though.
-All right, could we all

just put
our personal shit aside,

right, calm the fuck down,

and just have
a rational discussion for once?

[Carl] We have to pay
for water?

[Debbie]
Yes, water costs money.

Okay, how about we don't
calm the fuck down,

and we get up in Debbie's face,

and we call her out
for being

the selfish brat that she is?

-You cut hair, Tami.
-Tami, Tami, not helping.

If Lip told you to lick
a cat turd

off a steam pipe
in the middle of July--

Yeah, I got something here
to lick on.

Nobody's licking any turds!
All right?

I could get a maid, right?
I don't wanna have to clean

the shit out of my own toilet.

[Debbie] A maid's
not gonna cook for you.

You're gonna starve.

Okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay!

Everybody shut the fuck up,
please.

Let's just vote
and be done with it.

Sell!

-Shut up, Franny!
-[Lip] Atta girl.

Nice mothering, Debbie.

Stop, all right?
Tami, Mickey,

stay out of it.
Franny, you too.

I vote sell.

I vote no.

Ian.

I vote no.

Yes.
Gallaghers, unite.

You fucking kidding me?

-[Ian] Oh, shut up.
-[Lip] Carl?

Can I think about it?

-Yes.
-Right now, decision.

Liam.

Where the fuck is Liam?

Mm, don't you look beautiful!

No, sir.
You let Lip hide

stolen motorcycles in Kev-Fit.

You and I don't have anything
to say to each other

until this is over.

It's only for a couple of days!

Did you see that chopper?

I've always wanted
a chopper like that.

I'd be ten times more fuckable
in a chopper.

If you get on that chopper,
you're never gonna get...

[softly] fucked again.

Brad's got a buyer in Indiana.

Him and Lip are running
two of them there today.

Get rid of them.
All of them.

Yes, ma'am.
Girls, you ready

to go to school?

[Veronica]
Where the hell are they going?

Girls?

Who's in there?

-Liam?
-Hi.

-Christ, Liam!
-What are you doing here?

Lip's selling the house.

-Lip's selling the house?
-What?

Everyone's moving on
with their lives,

and I'm gonna end up homeless.

Can I live with you?

-You got this?
-Yeah, I got it.

All right, cool.
Girls, let's go.

Come on.
I gotta go sign in voters.

It's election day.

But in the meantime,
you and I are gonna talk

about why young Black men
can't go around

breaking into people's houses.

Come on.

A Gallagher has lived
in that house

since before statehood.

My great-great-great
grandfather Connell

built it on the foundation
of a Kickapoo hut,

and it's mine.

I should have a say.

I should have...

more than a say.

I'm their father.

I gotta...

I gotta stop this.

Thank...thank you.
Thanks for talking me

through this.

I'll see you later.

[bartender] You gonna pay
for those beers?

Just put it on my tab.

[bartender] You don't
have a tab.

[music playing softly]

Um...

Where...
how did I get here?

I don't know how you got here,

but I know how you leaving

if you don't pay
for your beers.

I ordered five beers,
didn't drink any of them?

Don't care if you drink them
or not,

long as you pay for them.

Uh...

[music playing softly]

I, um...

Chubby!

[stool scrapes]

Jesus.

low rock music

Okay, okay.

-[horn honks]
-Out of the road, asshole!

Yo, bathroom free?

[Ian] I'd give it a minute.

-What are you looking at?
-Apartments.

Figure when you guys
sell the house,

-we should probably have a--
-[Ian] Sell?

You just dared me
not to sell the house.

Come on, I was
just giving you shit

for always doing
what Lip does, man.

Go tell the others
we wanna sell this shitbag.

Let's find a place
with lots of rooms to fuck in.

-You know what I mean?
-No.

I change my vote,
Debbie thinks she's right,

and I promised to never let
Debbie think she's right.

Promised who?

Lip.

Damn, man, you do need
friends who aren't Lip.

[Ian] I have friends
who aren't Lip.

Uh-huh?
Like who?

-Don't say me.
-[Ian] You.

All right, what friends
have you got?

-Don't say me.
-[Mickey] You.

See?
Neither of us have friends.

Yeah, but as far
as I'm concerned,

a friend is just someone else
I gotta shoot

before they turn
state's evidence.

Yeah, well, if I need friends,

you need friends.

Why?

You really want me hanging out
by myself

with a bunch of gay guys,
talking about sex and stuff?

Why would you do that?

That's what friends do.

Fuck you.
Make friends with chicks.

Yeah, 'cause chicks wanna hear
about our sex life.

Why do you wanna be talking
to everybody

about our fucking sex lives?

I don't.
But say I wanted to bitch

about you not liking
having your ass licked.

[Mickey] Oh, Christ.
This again.

I can't do that with a bunch

of straight guys or with girls.

I can only do that
with gay guys.

You already have some,
don't you?

You got a group of gay friends

who know I don't
like getting my ass licked,

and now I gotta
go fucking murder

a bunch of people.

No, but if I make gay friends,

we're gonna talk about sex,

and if you're not there,

who knows what'll happen?

Oh, really?

Remember the whole monogamy
conversation we had?

What'd we decide?

We can hump other people
when we're together,

not when we're on our own.

Then I guess we should make
some friends together.

Fuck, man,
I hate the fucking gays.

All their "meh"
and their "bleh."

They're not all like that.

Okay, well, let's find some
who aren't like that.

Where do we find those gays?

I don't know.

Furniture shopping?
The gym.

Fancy places have
free trial weeks.

All right, great, so we find
some fucking fancy gays

at the gym.
Then what?

Smile?

Talk to them?

Jesus Christ,
I gotta smile now too?

You seemed pretty happy

with how I woke you up
this morning.

Whatever.

rock music

[softly] Fuck me.

Hi.
I brought you a coffee.

No, thanks.

Where you headed?

Winfrey Elementary.

Gonna go talk
to the first graders

about stranger danger.

Okay, well, you wanna...
get together tonight,

like dinner or something?

Uh, look, I don't think

we should be seeing
each other anymore.

Okay.
Uh...

W-wait, I-I thought that...

Okay.
[scoffs]

Shh, there you go.
Shh.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right, great.
Yeah, I'll see you in an hour.

A'ight, bye.

Hey.

Brad found a buyer

for the bikes in Merrillville,

so I'm gonna go pick them up
from Kev's

-and run them down.
-Great.

I will start packing up
some of our stuff

and bringing it over
to my dad's.

I'm sorry.
What?

Well, I mean,
we have to be out of here

in a few weeks.

Doesn't look like you're
selling your old house

-anytime soon.
-[Lip] Uh-huh.

We can't afford a new place,
so...

I thought that we
would stay with my dad

just until we figure things
out.

Oh, I've got things
figured out, though, right?

I'm gonna get Liam and Carl
on my side,

we're gonna sell the house,

and we can use our cuts

to get a new place.

Okay, but even if Debbie
let that happen,

we're talking about remodeling.

You know?

That's gonna take a while.

Well, I'm gonna sell
the Indian,

and that'll get us enough
to rent an apartment

in the meantime.

Lip.
"Sell the house."

"Sell the Indian."

How about just get a job?

You know?

-Amazon is hiring drivers.
-No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.
I've got applications in,

all right, for mechanic jobs
all over town.

That's great, but, like,
until you get one of those,

how about deliver packages

or flip burgers?

And we can stay with my family,
save up for a new place

like normal people.

No, I'm not living
with your family.

Okay?
W-with your dad

and his Fox News

and-and-and Cami
and her fucking...

fucking Cami-ness.

Oh, what, you think
your family's any better?

C-come on, you guys have
a criminal record

longer than the Gambinos'.

Look, it would be easier

to fix up my old house
if we were in it.

Well, Debbie...
called me a controlling bitch,

so we are not staying there.

Thank you for defending me,
by the way.

You don't think you're being
a little controlling right now?

I...I have a plan.

-Okay?
-Yeah, but it's based on things

that are not in your control.

Okay?
With my plan,

we have a place to stay.
We have actual income.

[Lip] All right, wait.

Just give me the day,
all right?

Let me work on Liam and Carl.

Let me sell the Indian,
all right?

If it doesn't work out,

then we will talk
about what happens next.

Just one day, okay?

Fine.

One day.

Okay.
Hey.

It'll work out, all right?

I promise you.

-Okay.
-All right.

Chu-chu-chu-chu-chu.

Hey, Brad.
Uh, yeah.

You think you can, uh,
find someone

who would wanna buy
the Indian too?

Six feet, assholes.

Where's V?

Municipal elections.

She's working
at a polling station.

Maybe we should go vote.

V said if you tried to vote,

she's gonna beat the shit
out of you.

[barfly] Can I get
a Boilermaker there, Kev?

[barfly] JB on the rocks.

[Kev] Nobody wants coffee?
Bunch of damn alcoholics.

[rock music playing]

Oh, there she is.

1948 Panhead...
[hisses]

Burnt copper.

springer-rigged fork.

Totally chopped.

rock music

Bad boy treating lives
like a broken toy

Bad boy...

Fuck it.

Nothing but bad

Your kind's evil minor
to the bone

Bad boy

It's gonna get bad

Hey, Liam.

I just wanted to call
and, uh, see

where your head was at
as far as selling the house.

Call me.
Oh, and by the way,

I'm making Tuna Helper tonight.

Your favorite.
Bye.

[shower running]

Hey, Carl.
Uh, I just wanted to call

and see where your head was at
as far as selling the house.

Call me.

By the way, I put
some pineapple Fresca

in your mini-fridge.
Your favorite.

Bye.

[Sandy] I don't get it.

I say sell this shithole
like Lip wants,

get a Thunderbird,
and let's Thelma and Louise

our asses to Mexico.

It's not just Lip's decision.

We make decisions as a family.

[Sandy] If you weren't beholden
to your family,

you'd have way more fun.

Yeah, well,
I'd still have Franny.

People with kids
don't get to have fun.

[Royal] Sandy!

Sandy!

Oh, that's fucking Royal.

[Royal] Sandy!

Fuck that noise.

Wait, no.
Debbie.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, don't.
No, no, no.

-No, Debbie, stop.
-[Royal] Sandy!

Oh-ho, Royal,
you fucking pervert.

You can't just force

a 15-year-old girl
to marry you...

Force her?
I didn't force her--

...and then stalk her

for the rest
of your fucking life.

-Now get the fuck out of here.
-No, Debbie, Debbie, stop it.

Stop it.
What...what are you doing here?

I'm sorry, but you weren't
answering your phone.

They cut my hours at Verizon,

so I picked up a job
at Pizzeria Uno.

-Okay.
-Why is that her problem?

Because someone
needs to watch Prince.

Who's Prince?

[Royal] Come on, bud.

Hey.
There you go.

No.

My mom's in the hospital

with another popped
stomach staple.

You think I would ask
if I had any other option?

Can you please just be
a mother for five hours?

A mother?
You--

Hey, you stay here with Mommy
and her girlfriend,

and I'll come get you after
Pizzeria Uno, okay, buddy?

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

You can't just leave him here.
What are you doing?

[Royal] I love you, buddy.

I'm sorry, Sandy.
Five hours.

Oh

Hi, Mom.

peppy music

Don't call me that.

[Debbie] Hey, Sandy!

Come.

Hey

Shit.

Can you change a twenty?

That's a candy bar wrapper.

Oh, will you look at that?
I'm sorry.

I was just diagnosed
with dementia.

I must've picked up
the candy bar wrapper

on my dresser
instead of my wa--

Bless you.

Sucker.

Gina!
How are you?

You look wonderful.

Bitch, I don't know you!

You're not...
I'm so sorry.

I thought you were
my friend Gina, and...and I--

Fuck you, old man.

I'm ...m sorry.
I'm...

[bus PA] Via Wacker.

Thank you, Danica.

Excellent.
[chuckles]

upbeat rock music

[siren wailing]

[softly] Shit, shit, fuck,
shit, fuck, shit, fuck.

Hello, Officer.
Kevin Ball,

upstanding taxpayer
and father of two.

-This your chopper?
-Yes...no.

No, it's, uh, my friend's.

I'm just taking it for a spin
on the way to work.

You own Kev-Fit?

Hmm?

Yes, yes.
I own Kev-Fit.

Where'd your friend
get this bike?

I don't know,

but I'm sure he got it legally.

Think he'd be willing
to sell it?

I've been looking
for a '48 Panhead for years.

1,200 CCs,
butterfly carburetor,

springer-raked fork...

[both] Totally chopped.

[laughs]
Right, Officer.

You know your bikes.

But I don't think
this one's for sale.

[officer] Ask your friend.

I can come by Kev-Fit
later today.

Why don't I, uh,
get your number,

and I can call you
to see if he's interested?

Cops don't give out
our personal info.

Kev-Fit's on my way home.
I'll stop by around 4:30.

But I don't think
he's gonna be there.

We close early
if no one shows up to class.

If I don't catch him today,
tell him

I'll find him sooner or later.

-See you at 4:30.
-Okay, Officer.

We'll be there.

Or not.
But maybe.

But we probably won't be there.

Here's your sticker,
Mrs. Meyers.

[softly] Hannity-loving
blue-haired old hag.

Don't you dare vote
against my rent control bill,

white lady.

Where are all the Black voters?

It's like a Paula Deen
Tupperware party in here.

[Debbie on phone] Oh,
and by the way, I'm making

Tuna Helper tonight,
your favorite.

Bye.

Now everyone wants to know
how I feel

about selling the house?

They didn't ask how you felt

about selling before?

No.
They barely know I'm alive.

That is not true.
They love you.

But you have got to speak up.

You are a young Black man

in a white, white world.

You need to make
your voice heard

like all
these white folk motherfuckers.

They making their voices heard.

Black people
are not speaking up,

so my rent control measure's
probably gonna tank,

white gentrifiers
will take all the housing,

and the South Side
will be the Gold Coast

before you know it.

Where's my mama?
She always votes.

[sighs]

[jaunty ringtone plays]

-Hey, stranger.
-[Veronica] Hey!

-You coming to vote today?
-Oh, that was today?

Yeah.
Get your behind down here.

[Carol] Oh, baby,
I'm not gonna be voting.

I'm packing.

[Veronica] Packing what?

I sold the house.

Dominic and I
are moving to Louisville.

Louisville?

[Carol] Yeah, I told you

I was putting it
on the market.

You know, I'm going
through some of your old stuff,

and, well, I'm not sure
what to give to Goodwill.

How about none of it?

Okay, why don't you
come by later,

and we'll decide together?

All right, sweetie.
Love you.

So why didn't you tell me
you abandoned a kid?

[scoffs]
I didn't abandon a kid.

I left a shitty situation.

Royal seems
like a decent enough guy.

How was that
a shitty situation?

I was 15, pregnant,

and taken in by a 30-year-old
who sells phones.

That doesn't sound
like a shitty situation to you?

Not shitty enough
to abandon a kid.

I was a kid myself, Debbie.

I got bored.

-You got bored...
-Yes.

...so you abandoned a child.

Uh, yeah, I was 15.

I needed to find myself.

Don't you ever wish
you had found yourself?

No.

You never once thought, "Mm,

gee, I wish I wasn't tied down
by Franny

for the last five years
of my life?"

Hell, no.

"I wish I could've left
this house,

like, struck out on my own,
and seen the world"?

No.

Well, I guess you're
a better person

than I am, then.

Yeah, sure sounds like it.

Oh, fuck you,
you judgmental ho.

-Where are you going?
-To work.

What the hell am I supposed
to do with Prince?

I don't know.
Put him on an El

to Pizzeria Uno.

Hey, you cannot just run away
from people, Sandy!

-Shit.
-[laughs]

Suit up, motherfucker.

Is that a vagina?

Yeah.

She's also
Sally the SVU Squirrel.

We have young victims
show us on Sally

where they were touched.

Don't worry, we'll put
the skirt on her today.

[cell phone ringing]

You mind checking that for me?
Back pocket.

-Says "Shithead number four."
-[sighs]

Fucking Debbie trying
to convince me

not to sell our house.

Why would you sell your house?

So I can get
a sick bachelor pad

and not live with my family.

But I do love that house,

and I kind of like
living with my family.

But I got low-level raped
in my man cave in the basement,

and I do I really wanna live
in a place

with traumatic memories
like that?

I'm sorry.
Low-level raped?

I wanted to use a condom,

but this girl mounted my dick
before I could get one on.

Man.

I was at a party once.

A girl took me
into a dark room,

you know, to blow me,

but what I thought
was her mouth

wasn't her mouth.

Nine months later,
she's having my baby,

a month later, we're married,

two years later,
we're divorced,

and now half my paycheck

goes to alimony
and child support,

so now I'm stuck living
with my grandma in Englewood

while my ex-wife
takes it up the pooper

from some 18-year-old rapper

who spends my hard-earned money
on molly

and DJ equipment.

Well, club circuit's dead,
bitches.

Who's laughing now?

peppy dance music

Na, na, na, na, na, na...

There we go.

Na, na, na

Na, na, na, na, na, na

Fuckin' A.

[Mickey] Okay, but how
do we know who's gay?

If they're watching themselves
work out in the mirror,

they're gay.

That means everybody out there
was fucking gay.

You know what?
Just hold this.

I gotta find a shitter.

-[Ian] Sorry.
-My bad, dude.

[spacey pop music playing]

How's your workout?

Oof.
Rough, man.

Trainer had me doing
four different types of squats.

Gotta keep the tuchus
in shape for my better half.

Oh.

Hey, you don't have
any glycolic undereye, do you?

Looks like they're out.

I don't know what that is.

Ah, found some.

No worries.

So is your better half here?

She's teaching
Pilates downtown.

She.

Wife.

Ah, yeah.
Cool.

Good luck
with the whole eye thing.

Hey, hey, two guys
are jacking each other off

in the steam room.
Let's go be friends with them.

Come on.

rock music

We've been down
this road before...

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit!

Tommy!

Lip, hey, it's Kev.

Uh, we got a problem.

Call me back.
It's about the...

olen-stay ikes-bay.

How was the ride?

Not great.
I think I accidentally invited

a cop to see the bikes.

So?

They're stolen, Tommy.

Stolen?
Well, that was stupid.

Which part, the stolen
or the cop?

Both, I would think.

You still got your truck here?

You gotta help me
get rid of them.

Come on, man.
I just got a fresh beer.

Tommy.

Okay, Christ.
Meet you out back.

Lip, where are you?
Call me.

Sorry, where are we?

Nearing the Howard stop.

Howard?

Did this bus magically skip
the back of the Yards?

That was almost 30 stops ago.

Stop the bus.

Stop the goddamn bus.

Which way do I walk?

[indistinct PA announcement]

Thank you.

Next time, tell me, will you?

No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't do less than 12 grand.

[rock music playing]

All right, how about 11?

Seven?

Yeah, fuck you, dickhead.
Jesus Christ.

He's offering seven grand
for the Indian?

Yeah.
It's the third guy

that lowballed me today.

Now I won't even clear a grand

after everything I put into it.

Jesus.
I will cut my own throat

before moving in
with Bob Tamietti.

Listen, we should clear
at least 20 grand

for these bikes
in Merrillville.

-Yeah.
-Take some.

Use it to rent you
and Tami a place.

No, no, man.
That's for your baby's bills.

Take five.

Pay me back
when you sell the Indian.

You sure?

Well, if it'll keep you
from cutting your throat,

absolutely.

Thank you.

[Lip] What the fuck?

rock music

[Tommy] We're just gonna leave
them here?

We'll come back for them
when things have cooled down.

What about the chopper?

Too hot.
Cop's already seen me on it.

We're gonna put it
where no one can find it.

They won't think
to look for them here.

[Tommy] Oh, shit.
Incoming!

Fuck.

-Go. Go.
-[biker] What the hell, man?

[biker] What the fuck?
Hey!

You can't just sell
her childhood home like that.

Who is this,
and why is he speaking to me?

I'm Liam.
I'm practicing

making my voice heard.

When did you up and decide
to move to Louisville?

I've been telling you

that I wanted to move
for years.

You told me
you were gonna give me

a llama for Christmas
when I was four.

I'm still waiting for that
to happen.

Chicago isn't the same anymore.

Black people are moving out

faster than white people were
stealing us out of Africa.

Which is why you need to stay.
We have to fight.

Chicago is our home.

Honey, I'm just getting too old
for this fight.

I'm trying to raise a Black son

in the white hipster capital
of the Midwest.

He's watching
white people sitcoms on TV

in Crocs.

But Louisville?

Well, your aunts are there,
and their sons,

and husbands...
you know, family.

What am I?

You've only seen me
twice this year,

and we only live
eight blocks apart.

There's a community
in Louisville for me.

Baby, I'm sorry, but it's...
it's just time.

[indistinct dialogue on TV]

[light rock music playing]

Can't believe
you wouldn't let us

be friends with those guys.

You can't start friendships off
with sex.

It sets a bad precedent.

First, we didn't have sex.

We got hand jobs
in a steam room.

Two, our friendship
started with sex.

If you want me marrying
one of those guys in ten years,

then, yeah, let's go back
and make friends with them.

All right, fine,
no steam room guys.

We can still go back
for handies, though, right?

Definitely.

[Jay] I said mid-century.

Yes, but which part
of mid-century?

-It's not just a year.
-It doesn't matter.

I said cabernet mauve,
not cotton candy mauve.

-Please, not those guys.
-No.

[Tim] Just make
a fucking decision.

-Okay!
-Hey, guys?

Darker or lighter duvet?

-What?
-I guess that depends

on what part of mid-century.

Bedspread thing?
Lighter.

Hides the lube stains.
Let's go.

I'm Ian.
This is Mickey.

Tim.
This is Brendan.

-Hey.
-He's right.

Lube has destroyed, like,
six sets of sheets for us.

Well, are you using water-based

-or silicone?
-[cell phone chimes]

Silicone.

Water-based doesn't stain.

Neither does spit.
Ian.

[Tim] Ugh,
Joe and Sherman can't go

to Anderson Cooper's
book signing today.

It's just us, Jon, and Travis.

We're free today.

For a book signing?

I don't like books.

[Ian] We love
Anderson Cooper, though.

We do.
He's great.

Listen, can I talk to you
for a sec?

[softly] Who the fuck
is Anderson Cooper?

Who the fuck knows?
But maybe these guys

can be our friends.

Oh, so we can't be friends

with the steam room guys,
but we can be friends

with fucking twinks
buying a duvet?

Do you wanna fuck
either of them?

-No.
-Then yes, we can be friends

with the twinks buying a duvet.

I d-no--

We're in.

Okay.
Great.

[Tim] Okay.

Smile.

[Shep] And that is how Teddy
got abducted and murdered,

kids.

Now, do we ever take rides
with strangers?

[all] No!

That's right.
Now, Sally

is gonna teach you
the difference

between appropriate

and inappropriate ways

of being touched by an adult.

[all] Yay!

[Carl sighs]

[falsetto] Now, kids,

sometimes an adult
touches you

and that's okay,

like a high five.

Is that okay?

[all] Yes!

[Carl]
Now, what if an adult

makes you have sex
without a condom?

Is that okay?

-Sally, Sally...
-Maybe we should just--

[normally] See, I thought
Tish was a nice girl

until she started
asking questions

about my pension
and benefits,

and before I knew it,

she was bouncing
on my cock!

Cover your ears, kids.

[Shep] Gallagher!

And now I have to pay alimony,

child support, and live
with my family forever!

[breathing rapidly]

Come on, Kev,
come on, Kev...

I promised those
to the guy today.

There's 20 grand
on the line, Lip.

I know; he must've moved them
somewhere, all right?

Moved them?
Where?

I'm trying him.

Fuck!

Why can't we just push it
into the water

from the beach?

Too shallow.
Somebody's gonna see it.

I'm gonna have to ride it
off the end.

That is a terrible idea.

I'm gonna build up
enough speed,

and before it sails
off the end,

I'm gonna jump off.

I saw Evel Knievel do it once.

Yeah, but he was Evel Knievel.

You rearrange the letters
in my name,

it almost spells Knievel.

Hand me the helmet.

No turning back

No turning

No turning back...

Dear motorcycle gods,

please don't let me die.

Amen.

heavy rock music

Yee-haw!

[yells]

[tires screeching]

[water splashes]

Ooh, coming in hot

[Frank] For sale?

rock music

My house.
They can't sell my house!

No, darn it.

This is--uh...

who-who told you

that you could sell this house?

Um, sorry, do you have
an appointment?

I don't-I don't need
an appointment.

This is my house!

My wife OD'd
in most of these rooms.

My son was born
in the tub upstairs.

That's--those are not for you.

Out.
Get out.

Get out!
This is...

this is my house.

You cannot sell this house

-without me.
-Hello, police?

You okay back there?

Well, some fancy people

are trying to steal
my house, so...

That isn't your house, sir.

You don't think I'd recognize
my own house?

Do me a favor.

Look at yourself for a second.

Now take a look at that house.

Do you honestly think you live
in a house like that?

Hey, it's okay.
It's okay.

Look, I get confused, too,
on occasion.

Look, why don't you
just take your time,

breathe a little,
and when it comes to you,

give me an address,
and we'll get you home?

You're not gonna take me
to the station?

No, you don't seem
like a criminal to me.

[laughs]

Shows what you know.

[Debbie] Okay.
Dino nuggets.

Smiley fries are almost ready.

So, Prince, would you like
to live here with us?

No, thank you.

[scoffs]

Well, it wouldn't be
a-a full-time.

It'd, you know,
be a-a-a part-time

custody situation.

That way, you could
get to know your mom.

I don't want to get to know
my mom.

Well, she should
get to know you, anyway.

She can't just run away
from people.

She has obligations.

No offense.
I don't wanna live here.

It's sort of a dump.

It is not a dump!

The faucet water
comes out orange.

Well, that's just rust.
It goes away.

[sighs]

You should sell this place
and get a new one.

We're not selling this house.
This is my family's.

We're gonna live here forever.

I'm just gonna live
with my dad, if that's okay.

No, it's not okay.

Sandy can't just get off
scot-free.

-It's not fair.
-To whom?

To those of us who are stuck
raising a kid

until she's 18 years old.

No offense, Franny.

But that's your choice,
isn't it?

What is?

To have a kid and raise it.

My dad said people make
different choices sometimes

and that's okay.

Royal said that?

No.
No.

Sandy can't just
abandon people.

I'm gonna talk to your dad
about a joint custody situation

when he comes to pick you up.

Hey, Liam, buddy.

Look, uh, I'm just calling

to see where your head's at

as far as selling
the house goes.

So, uh, call me back.

Oh, and, uh, Tami and I

are making beef stroganoff
for dinner.

That's your favorite,
so come on over later.

I love you.
Bye.

[Brad sighs]

[Lip] Hey, Carl!
Buddy, look.

I'm just calling to see
where your head's at

as far as, uh,
selling the house goes,

so call me back, and, uh,

hey, I put some
of those Hot Pockets you like

in your mini fridge for you.

I love you.

All right, bye, bud.

[Kev] Fuck.

Yo, where the fuck you been?

I'm fine, Lip.
Thanks for asking.

Where are the bikes?

-Had to get rid of them.
-Why?

I got pulled over
riding the chopper.

Oh, you took the chopper
for a ride?

Could we not do
that part right now?

The cop wanted to buy it.

Really?
How-how-how much?

Guys, stolen bike!

[Kev] That's why I had
to get rid of them.

I took the Café Racer

and the Norton
to the Easy Throttle

just until things cool down
for a little bit.

All-all right.

W-w-w-where-where's
the chopper?

I drove it into the lake.

Are you fucking kidding me?

-Fuck me!
-Look, if anyone

found that thing,

I would be going to jail,

and I'm not gonna take
that rap.

That was a down payment
for an apartment

and Brad's money
for hospital bills!

Look, how long ago

did you leave them
at the Easy Throttle?

A couple hours ago.

[Lip] All right.

-Where you going?
-The fuck you think?

Oh, fuck me.

Don't it feel
so good right now

To come alive, come alive

Rosé and charcuterie, everyone?

-Ooh.
-Pepperoni.

Okay, so what did you guys
think about the book signing?

Uh, politics aren't
really our thing.

The white hair
was kind of hot, though.

Tell us about Ian and Mickey.

What do you guys do?

We actually run
an armed transport service.

Ooh, armed!
You ever shoot anyone?

Yeah.

[laughter]

So where do you guys live?

Uh, South Side,
with my family.

There are gays
on the South Side?

You still live
with your family?

Five brothers and sisters.

Oh, and me, Tami, your niece,

your dad, and Sandy, actually.

Holy shit.
So ten of you in one house?

-Yeah.
-Mickey and I are gonna get

our own place soon, though.

If you ever grow a pair
and tell Debbie.

[laughs]

If I had to live
with my family,

I'd kill myself.

Mm-hmm.

It's really...
it's not that bad.

Oh, my God.
You like your family?

Oh, I hate mine.

[Travis] Oh, me too.

[Jon] Ugh!

Yeah, I think we, uh...

-actually have to get going.
-[Travis] What?

I'm not done
with the pepperoni.

-[Jon] Stay for dinner.
-[Travis] Yeah.

Seth and Theo are coming.

It's Julia Child night.

We're roasting duck.

-[all] Yes!
-[Brendan] Come on.

Damn, but it's just, we--
you know,

we really should, um...

-We'll-we'll be right back.
-[Brendan] Okay.

rock music

[softly] Can we please go?

Why would we leave now?
They're giving us free stuff.

They're shitting
all over my family

-and the South Side.
-Who gives a shit?

Look, I don't wanna fuck
any of them,

and they're feeding us;
as far as I'm concerned,

they're checking
all the right boxes.

We're gonna stay.

[all] Hey!

We can't.
We have...that thing.

-Oh.
-What?

What he means is that
he's got a thing,

so, uh, I'm gonna stay.

-Hey!
-There we go!

You know, we can, uh,
talk about sex and stuff.

-Yay!
-Yes!

And if I have a bunch
of gay friends

I talk about sex with
when you're not around,

who knows what might happen?

Right?

I no longer have a thing.

-Attaboy!
-Whoo!

Ian doesn't like
to have his ass licked.

-[all gasp]
-[Tim] What?

-Oh, my God.
-It's the best thing.

-[Jon] Oh, girl.
-[Travis] Are you even gay?

This your house?

Yep.
This is my house.

Need help to the door?

No, I-I-I got it.

Okay.

[knocking]

[knocking]

[Frank] Oh, hi.
I-I'm--

I don't mean to, uh, scare you.

I just need to come inside

until that man out there
is gone.

Mommy!

rock music

Hey

-[mother] Hey!
-Ah!

-[mother] speaking Spanish
-No, no, no, no, no.

I'm--no, no.
I'm--oh, shit.

[mother] yelling in Spanish

Oh, jeez.

So I'm gonna ask her
to take it first.

I'm not a monster.

But she's sort of a bad person,

and if she says no

and I gotta slip it
into her drink,

will it still work?

Or if she only drinks
half that drink,

will she end up having
half a baby?

Or what if she's having twins?

Will she end up
only having one baby?

[sighs]

Should I just slip her
two Plan Bs just in case?

Or what if I crush it down
into a powder

and tell her it's coke,
get her to snort it?

I mean, I don't know
if she does coke, though.

She's trashy,
so she probably does.

Why you so quiet?
What do you think?

[mumbling] Oh, my God.

You've dealt with this before,
right, Bill?

[cell phone ringing]

Hey.

How was the day?

[Lip] Fine, good, yeah.

You sell the Indian?

Uh, I'm fielding some offers.

[Tami] Okay.

Uh, how's it looking

with Liam and Carl?

Uh, I haven't got
ahold of them yet,

but I'm, uh, you know--

I'm optimistic.

-Okay.
-[bags thud]

Uh, you gonna be home soon?

No, I'll probably be a bit.
There's a...

thing I gotta do first.

Okay.
I'll see you soon.

[Veronica] Why are you naked?

I drove the chopper
into Lake Michigan.

Do I wanna know more than that?

No.

How's Liam?

Dropped him off.
He's sad.

Well, you don't look
much better.

No Black voters showed up.

My mom's moving to Louisville.

Carol's moving to Louisville?

She says there's no community
for her here anymore.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

[both] Mm.

[Kev] Yeah.

You getting a boner?

Yeah.

Read the room.

Oh, come on,
Little Big Kev

has always made you
feel better.

Not tonight.

I just wanna crawl into bed

and cry myself to sleep.

subdued rock music

Okay.

Oh, yeah,
these are so great.

Perfect for a full can
of Schlitz.

[laughs]

-Excuse me.
-Carl?

Take this.

Why?

Because you rode me bareback

so I'd plant a baby
in your belly

and you could take half
of everything I own.

But, oh, no, girl,
I'm onto you.

So take this Plan B
with a full bottle of water,

or I'm going to file
a police report

saying you raped me.

I'm on the pill.

And ...thought you wanted
to have sex.

I did, but with a condom.

I'm allergic to latex.

What, so you get, like,
a rash or something?

Like, I'd die.

Oh.
Well...

then why were you asking

about my job
and benefits, then?

Because I liked you, Carl!

Oh.

Well, I liked you too.

And you know what?
It was nice.

It was nice to know

that I wouldn't have
to support you

after I finished
dental hygienist school.

You're gonna be
a dental hygienist?

[Tish] Yes!

I'll have my own job.

I don't need
some punk-ass rookie cop

taking care of me.

[laughs]
That's hot.

What time you get off work?

Are you kidding?

You dumped me,
accused me of rape

and extortion,

tried to force
an abortion on me...

-Well--
-...and now you wanna

hang out again?

Yeah?

[Tim] Okay, UFC tournament.

Best female pop stars
of all time.

-Go.
-[Brendan] Okay.

So Celine beats Taylor...

-[Jon] Oh.
-...sorry, in the quarters

but then falls to Gaga
in the semis,

and then it's Gaga
and Aguilera in the finals.

Dark horse: Britney.

-[Travis] Oh!
-[Tim] Yes!

[Travis] It's Britney, bitch!

[guest] Of course, yes.
[laughs]

[percussive techno music
playing]

So you really
don't like rimming?

What?
Oh.

No, it was Mickey.

He was kidding
when he said it was me.

Oh, cool.

So you do like rimming?

Okay, Mickey,
another cocktail?

Can we please get
the fuck out of here?

You said we needed gay friends.

Do you like any of these guys?

Fuck no, I'm blowing my nut
over this duck, though.

[Jon] Here it is!

Ah! Whoo!

Oh!
Oh, my God.

Whoo!

[pop music playing]
Rain on me

Rain, rain, rain on me

Rain, rain

[all singing along]
I'd rather be dry

But at least I'm alive

Rain on me, rain, rain

Rain on me

-Can we leave now?
-Yeah.

Are you guys leaving?

Things were just
getting interesting.

Rain, rain, rain

Rain...

Whoo!

I hear the thunder
coming down

Won't you rain on me?

Eh, yeah...

No.

You're the one who said
if we fucked them,

we don't have to be friends
with them.

Rain on me...

Fine.

Rain on me

Hey, uh, Liam, buddy, look,
I was thinking,

you know, if we sell the house,

we could start a college fund
for you,

so, uh, anyway,

something to talk about.

Give me a call back
when you can.

All right, bye.

Tami?

-Little man?
-[knocking]

Holy fuck.

[door slams]

-[Tami] All right, hey.
-Hey.

-Hey, you give me a hand?
-What's-what's going on?

We get robbed, or...

-No, no, he just woke up.
-Hey, hi, buddy.

Yeah, I just packed up
some stuff

and brought it over
to my dad's.

[Tami sighs]

Oh.

I'll be right back,
buddy, okay?

Hey, uh, why-why did you
take our stuff

to your dad's place?

I-I thought we talked
about this.

Yeah, w-we said you had the day
to sell the Indian

or convince your family
to sell the house.

The day's not over.

Okay, well, you didn't sound
too hopeful on the phone, so...

Uh, I thought we said

if I couldn't make it
happen today,

then we would talk
about what's next, right?

What did you think
was next, Lip?

That I would try again
tomorrow.

I thought what was next
was that we would make

the most stable decision
for our family.

I put in an application
at Amazon.

All right?
Like you asked.

Can you meet me halfway?

Halfway to homelessness?

No.
No, Lip.

I'm not gonna meet you halfway.

And, God, what is up
with you lately?

Nothing, nothing is up
with me lately.

Really? Because you're being
entirely unreasonable.

-You're obsessive.
-Okay, you wanna catalog shit?

[Tami] You are fucking
stealing shit

'Cause I can take
the notebook out, all right?

-Are you drinking again?
-No!

Jesus, I just don't wanna live
with your fucking family!

Okay, well, tough shit.

You had the day
to make your plan work.

You didn't make it work.

So unless you make
something happen

before we go to bed tonight...

Where are you going?

[sighs]

[indistinct dialogue
and laughter on TV]

[Debbie] Hey.

Who's the kid?

Sandy's son.

You decide
about the house yet?

Leave me alone.
I'm heartbroken.

[door opens]

Why is he still here?

Royal's not done
at Pizzeria Uno.

But you should know
that I'm gonna talk to him

about us getting joint custody
of Prince.

Uh, why?

If you're gonna be living
with me,

you're gonna be living
with my rules,

and my rules are that
you don't abandon family.

Well, I guess
I'm not living with you, then.

What?

No.
Sandy!

Sandy!
Sandy!

What are you doing?

I'm getting the fuck
out of here.

Ha.
Great.

Add me to the list of people
you run out on.

I don't run out
on people, Debbie.

-It's not that simple.
-[Debbie] It is.

You-you either stick
with people,

or you don't.

I stick with people.

Yeah, I stuck with you,

until you turned out to be
a fucking psycho.

Well, that's not sticking
with me.

That's cutting and running.

People don't just
cut and run, okay?

There are reasons.

I ran out on Prince and Royal

because I had no idea
who I was.

[Debbie] That's selfish.

It's not selfish.

That is the definition
of selfish!

You ran out on people
who needed you

because you wanted to go do
your own shit.

I'll never forgive you
for that.

[sighs]

You'll never forgive me
for that?

They'll never.
Prince will never.

Holy shit.
[laughs]

You think I'm Monica.

-What?
-I am not your mom, Debbie.

I didn't just leave my family
to do my own shit.

This has nothing to do
with my mom.

Fuck you.

[Sandy] You are piling

all your abandonment issues
on me.

Right?
'Cause what happened?

Monica ran out on you...

and now the rest of them
wanna run out on you too.

They don't wanna run out on me.

They wanna sell the house
and get the money.

[Sandy] You sure?

[Ian] Night.

[sighs]
That was a bust, huh?

Oh, yeah,
apart from a hand job,

duck, and orgy, total waste
of a fucking day.

Still think we need
gay friends?

Need?

No.
I mean, I'm not opposed to it.

We just...we want friends
we have things in common with.

There's a reason
I do the same things as Lip.

I'm like Lip.

I'm okay if he's
my only friend for now.

All right.

Well, wanna go tell Debbie
you wanna do what Lip wants

on this thing?

She's gonna love you.

She's gonna love you so much.

[Sandy] Debbie!

Come on!
Open up.

What's going on upstairs?

[Carl] I'm not sure.

Hey, do you guys think
it's weird

I'm in love with my rapist?

-You weren't raped.
-Yes.

[Liam sighs]

I don't wanna sell the house.

Where have you been?

Out finding my voice.

Wait, you're voting
not to sell?

Yeah.

So it's you two and Debbie.
That's it, right?

Doesn't matter what I vote.
We're not selling.

Well, I wanna change my vote.

Mickey and I
want our own place.

So it's two in favor,
two against?

Yeah, me and Lip
versus Liam and Debbie.

Fiona...

Lip!

Carl!
[crying]

Debbie?
Lip?

-Out of the way, Frank.
-Lip!

[relieved crying]

[Liam] If you vote
not to sell...

Lip!

...I'll iron your uniform
for a whole month.

Vote to sell, I'll buy you
pizza rolls for a year.

How about vote to sell,

and I won't scoop
your eyeballs out

-with a fucking kitchen spoon?
-[items crashing]

Shit.

rock music

What the fuck are you doing?

Creating an open floor plan.

We're selling!

-No! No.
-[Lip] Hey!

-Deb! Deb!
-[Ian] Relax, relax.

Whoa, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh...

Fuck you!

Whoa, oh, oh

Whoa, oh, oh...

Don't look back,
don't look back

Don't look back...

[police officer] Excuse me.

Does Phillip Gallagher
live here?

We have a few questions

about a robbery
where he used to work.

He's inside.
Just be careful.

He's got a sledgehammer.

That's why

Whoa, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh

Oh, whoa, oh, oh,
oh, oh

Whoa, oh, oh,
whoa, oh, oh

Coming down on me

Teardrops on my face

Water like...

I can feel it on my skin

It's coming down on me

Teardrops on my face

Water like misery

Let it wash away my pain

It's coming down on me

[both] Let it wash away

I'd rather be dry

But at least I'm alive

Rain on me, rain, rain

Rain on me,
rain, rain

I'd rather be dry

But at least I'm alive

Rain on me, rain, rain

Rain...on...me

I hear the thunder
coming down

Won't you rain on me?

Eh, yeah

Rain on, whoo

I hear the thunder
coming down

Won't you rain on me?

Eh, yeah

Rain...on...me