Shameless (2011–…): Season 11, Episode 1 - This is Chicago! - full transcript
[urine trickling]
Well, well, well,
look who's back.
Where the hell you been?
At home, sitting on your asses,
practicing social distancing?
Washing your hands
20 times a day
while us essential workers
risked our lives
making sure
you have enough toilet paper
and wheat flour
for your sourdough?
[indistinct announcement
over P.A. system]
What a bunch of pussies.
And now y-you can't remember
what happened
last season on Shameless?
[scoffs]
Get out of here.
Go on, get.
Get! I will piss on your leg.
I'll piss on your leg.
[door slams]
What do you got, Gallagher?
Sanitation Department is in bed
with the real estate developers.
It's all overseen
by this cat named Otis.
Otis wants you
to bust into that house
and take a shit
in the living room.
Okay, took a shit
in somebody's living room.
You're gonna make one hell
of a cop someday, Gallagher.
Thank you, sir.
- Who the fuck is this?
- Julia.
They said she was young, but...
- Who are you?
- I'm Sandy...
her girlfriend.
[grunting]
We have an arrest warrant
for Deborah Gallagher.
Statutory rape of a minor,
Julia Nicolo.
Fuck.
We got a runner!
Stop! Police!
[Tommy] So this Keg Zone stuff
is actually working?
I got 20 fully paid Keggers
already.
I'm not moving to Milwaukee.
I told you that.
Come look inside
the house with me.
It's got two beds, big backyard.
I don't need to look inside.
Jesus.
- Needs some work.
- Two bedrooms?
Yeah.
I now pronounce you
husband and husband.
- Now?
- Yes, now.
[cheers and applause]
rock music
Think of all the luck you got
Know that it's not for naught
You were beaming once before
But it's not like that anymore
What is this downside
That you speak of?
What is this feeling
You're so sure of?
Round up the friends you got
Know that they're not for naught
You were willing once before
But it's not like that anymore
What is this downside
That you speak of?
What is this feeling
You're so sure of?
Rousing orchestral music
[narrator] Chicago,
the city of broad shoulders,
the Windy City,
a city with a multitude
of voices,
languages,
and a vibrant history.
From the four corners
of the Earth,
people come
to the city on the lake
to work and help create
a truly modern metropolis.
[Frank] Yep,
from all four corners
of the Earth, all right.
Polacks and krauts and dagos
and the lowest of the low,
the Irish...
Starving spud famine refugees,
like us Gallaghers.
Upbeat rock music
Every important moment
in Chicago history,
a Gallagher was there.
The Chicago Fire,
Mrs. O'Leary's cow,
that was Great-Great-Grandma
Gallagher's Holstein.
[cow moos]
The union stockyard workers,
the poor bastards butchering
6,000 steers a day,
covered in blood and shit,
all Gallaghers.
The Black Sox
score-fixing scandal,
a Gallagher.
No, he wasn't a player.
He was a gambler.
Set the whole thing up.
Made a bundle.
Prohibition, Capone,
you think it was all Italians?
Hell no.
It was Gallaghers that provided
the homicidal muscle.
The riots at the Democratic
Convention in '68,
yep, that was me.
Part of the Chicago Eight.
[Alan] The Chicago Eight?
I thought it was
the Chicago Seven.
It was eight.
I was at a White Castle
getting burgers
for Abbie and the guys
when the pigs broke in.
So they only took seven
and put 'em on trial.
Where we're standing,
right here,
on Ashland Avenue,
there were 20 bars
on this block 100 years ago,
each and every one of 'em
owned by a Gallagher.
Now we got
three hipster coffee shops.
It was seven before
the COVID took down the weak.
Chinamen did us a favor
with that virus.
Who the hell needs
seven coffee shops?
Hey, do you know why they call
this part of the South Side
Back of the Yards?
Sure, it was right behind the...
No, no,
not because it was
behind the stockyards,
because it was the back
of the Gallagher yards.
Every single house
owned by a Gallagher.
- Is any of this true?
- [slurping]
Is any of this true?
The Gallaghers built Chicago
single-handedly.
Come on, I'll take you
to Leavitt Street.
I'll show you the tenement
where Paddy Gallagher
wrote The Jungle.
[baby crying]
[Tami moans]
- [sighs]
- Oh, no, no.
Let him cry.
[sighs] He's teething.
[Tami groans]
The hell does he need teeth for
anyway?
I don't know.
[crying continues]
[Tami groans]
We could drug him.
Break up a downer or something.
Frank used to rub whiskey
on our gums.
- [laughs]
- Then he'd dump us in the tub.
Without water, I hope.
Not always.
[Tami sighing]
- I think I'm gonna die.
- [laughs]
Can you die from lack of sleep?
[crying continues]
Oh, my God. Okay.
I'll get him. You start coffee.
Okay.
[crying continues]
[vocalizing]
[tapping]
light rock music
Hey, where's the Mr. Coffee?
Oh, I bought us a French press
at an eviction yard sale.
What?
It's by the stove.
Just add hot water.
There's a new bag of coffee
in the fridge.
Huh.
Hey, um, maybe we need
to try something else,
you know, with Fred teething.
[Tami sighs] Yeah?
Like what?
I don't know, we could do, uh,
I don't know,
one night on, one night off.
You know, one of us
stays at my old house
or your dad's,
gets a good night's sleep
while the other one stays here.
We could, uh, trade off,
you know?
Okay.
Dibs first night.
Who got evicted?
Aniya, that girl who was working
at the beauty supply shop
on Ashland.
Is that the one that, uh,
bellied up?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah. One of many.
Hey, I need you to run
some errands for me today...
Grocery, paint store.
Is that a problem?
No. Glad to.
[Lip] Mm.
- I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
- That's a good idea.
[baby squeals]
[Lip sighs]
rock music
Stop!
[church bell tolls]
[dog barking]
[siren chirps]
[Carl] Got you, fucker.
[grunts]
[Carl exhaling heavily]
Outstanding, Gallagher.
Thank you, sir.
Why didn't you shoot him?
I knew I could catch him, sir.
- Uncuff him. Give me the gun.
- [handcuffs ratcheting]
[chuckles]
That's how it's done, cadets.
Never shoot a suspect
in the back.
You wait for 'em to turn around,
and then you shoot 'em
in the face.
Good to know, sir.
[electric razor buzzing]
Why are you shaving your head?
'Cause I'm goin' bald.
But you're bald now, Kev.
Exactly. Now no one will know
I was going bald.
Science.
Should I just pour the weed
right in?
Yeah, I think so.
Go see if those gummies
are setting up right.
They need a few more minutes.
Hey, no sampling the product.
Excellent, Gemma.
Nice and tight.
Amy, good,
but a little less product
in the next one, okay?
Kev, what are the girls doing?
Their tiny fingers are perfect.
Look, this is why
they used little kids
to dig stuff out of machinery
back in the old days.
They outlawed that, Kev.
It's called child labor.
Well, we're a family business
now.
We all need to pull
our own weight.
No. Girls, go finish
getting ready for school,
and don't forget your masks.
I was gonna have 'em
wash their hands
- when they were done.
- Girls, wash your hands.
Did you pick up
the display case?
Yeah, it's in the truck.
Isn't this exciting?
Legal weed in Chicago?
Can you believe it?
Remember Diego, my roommate
from the group home,
the one with the glass eye?
He got 20 years.
Now we can just sell it
right out in the open.
Not out in the open.
We're not licensed yet.
And we're supposed
to be closed anyway.
Amy?
Gemma.
Girl's got a gift.
[door squeaks, slams]
[footsteps approaching]
Mm, morning Mr. Milkovich.
Morning, Mr. Gallagher.
Five times last night.
I'm feeling kinda raw.
How about you, stud?
I could go another five
right now.
- Mm - Mm-hmm.
Some big talk.
You ready to back it up?
Gotta get to work.
Call in sick.
We need the paycheck.
All right. Your loss.
Hey, you making breakfast
for both of us?
No. Didn't know you were
gonna get up.
You didn't get up yesterday.
Well, throw some more bread
in that bitch.
Sorry, I only make toast
for husbands who have jobs.
Good thing I have a job.
No, you have a laundromat owner
who's terrified
you're gonna smash his face
- into a dryer again.
- Exactly.
I'm sure he'd write you
fake paystubs
to give to your parole officer
if I asked him.
That's not the point.
We need more money coming in.
All right.
Fine, I'll hit the Stop & Shop
on Rush.
Hey, no. I don't wanna be
some sad-ass prison widow
catching a bus to Stateville
every weekend.
No? Want me to get
some shitty-ass
minimum-wage job like you,
hauling boxes
around a warehouse?
No.
There aren't many other jobs
left around here, Mick.
It's either Amazon
or digging graves.
Until you decide to do
one or the other,
my shitty minimum-wage job
is the only money
we got coming in.
- And the bills are piling up.
- Uh-huh.
Okay, fine.
I'll start digging into
the wedding present money
instead of saving it
to get our own place.
Do what you gotta do, lover.
Me, I'm gonna go
take an ice bath.
My asshole's on fire.
Just not right.
I mean, Julia's only
ten months younger than me.
Why do I have to plead guilty
and wear this fuckin'
ankle bracelet
and do all that
community service
when Carl did the exact
same thing with Julia
but they didn't arrest him?
Well, not exactly
the same thing.
He wasn't banging Julia
and her mom at the same time.
No, that judge
just hates lesbians.
I mean, did you see the way
that he looked at me,
at Julia?
It was disgust.
[Sandy] Mm, I don't know.
He seemed pretty into it to me,
especially when, uh,
Julia was describing
how you used to go down
on her for hours.
[Debbie scoffs]
It's looking good, sweetie.
Okay, it's time
to get ready for school.
No more Zoom. Real school.
Let's put your shoes on.
How long do you think it'll be
before the school
shuts down again this time?
I bet a week.
UPS just dropped this off.
[gasps] It came!
- What is it?
- Gotta put 'em on.
Put what on?
Let's go.
Energetic music
Hmm. What do you think?
Everything?
Welding, plumbing, carpentry,
household repairs.
[chuckles] I mean, it could
have multiple meanings.
What?
[both laugh]
Liam, no.
Hello, Debbie Does Everything?
Um, I've got a rusty pipe.
You think you could
shine it up for me?
[scoffs] Look at my truck.
That doesn't tell you
that I'm a handyman?
Debbie Does Everything?
My sewer line is clogged.
Can you please come over
and plunge it for me?
Upbeat music
Huh.
You see that house
with the "For Sale" sign?
The Sons of Columbus
burned a cross in the yard
the first night
the Jacksons moved in.
But the Jacksons were tough.
Used to be sharecroppers
in Alabama.
A racist bonfire
didn't scare them.
Mr. Jackson died of the 'VID
last spring.
He was a janitor over at Mercy.
[slurping]
Getting a little dry here,
laddie.
My memory elixir!
Hey...
thanks for caring for what
I have to say, by the way.
Well, you're the only person
who responded to my flyer.
[Frank laughs]
"Units start as low
as $170,000."
Time was, you could've bought
a whole block down here
for that much money.
Everything's changing.
The Prius crowd is moving in,
taking advantage of the folks
who lost their jobs
in the Corona hoax.
- Oh, hey, girl!
- Hey!
Let's go over by the park.
I'll show you
where the best crack house
in Chicago used to be,
see if any of the old gang's
still around.
Bright music
Okay, Franny.
Remember, no hugging anybody.
[Debbie] They say anything
about going back
to alternating days, yet?
[man] Jesus, I hope not.
Boss won't let me bring Tommy
to work anymore.
- [Debbie] Who's the new guy?
- Uh, Barry.
[Debbie] What'd he do?
[man, exhales] Rapist, I think.
Yeah, he just got out.
His son's kinda cute, though.
He's the spiky-haired one
right there in the Slayer
shirt, you see him?
[Barry] Hey, Slash!
Anyone gives you shit,
I just want you
to punch 'em in the throat
like I showed you.
[Debbie] Barry,
you're over the line, man.
The fuck'd you say?
That line...
It's exactly 500 feet
from the school's entrance.
If you cross it,
the cops could bust you.
Oh. Okay. Thanks.
- Appreciate it.
- Yeah.
Debbie, misdemeanor...
Statutory rape.
But she was only
ten months younger than me.
Barry, statutory two,
with felony.
But hey, she looked 20.
Upbeat rock music
I love you, Franny.
Remember, no hugging
the other kids.
IOUs?
[water bubbling]
What the fuck is this?
I go to get our money
for the utilities
out of our wedding cash,
and all I find is IOUs.
You spent all our money
from the wedding?
Relax, you know I'm good for it.
That's not the point.
It's not your money.
It's our money.
Okay, so I spent
some of our money.
On what?
I don't know. Stuff.
It's-it's not your money
to spend.
We decided we were saving it
to get our own place.
No, no. You decided
we were saving it
to get our own place.
I said we should
use the wedding money
for us to have some fuckin' fun.
Yeah, one of us has certainly
been having some fuckin' fun.
Oh, quit being a bitch.
I'll pay it back.
Oh.
We're supposed to be making
these decisions together.
Okay, so can I use some of
our money to buy a beer?
One beer.
Sure. One beer.
- Yes.
- Great.
So what about lube?
Can I use our money to buy lube?
You're the one who likes
that expensive strawberry shit.
I'm good with spit.
What about your meds?
Ain't cheap.
That comin' out of your money
or our money
- or is that coming out of...
- There isn't any your money
or my money,
there's only our money.
That's what happens
when you get married.
Sure.
Upbeat rock music
I gotta get to work.
- [distant sirens]
- [dogs barking]
[sighs]
[door clicks opens]
[sighs] Okay, I'm off.
You have a good day
with Daddy, all right?
I thought you were gonna
fix the wheel
on that jogger yesterday.
Yeah, no.
I got caught up with this.
Okay, well, do it,
and take Fred for a run.
Fresh air's supposed to
help babies sleep at night.
And then I need you
to go by the paint store
and pick up four gallons
of this:
- Seafoam Morning Mist.
- Mm-hmm.
And then can you swing by
Voodoo Java
and get me a skinny grande
latte with extra foam
and drop it by the salon?
I've got ten clients today,
and I am not gonna make it
without my midday caffeine.
So how much did we pay for this?
It's a '47 Chief.
Mm-hmm.
3 grand.
Just 'cause things are tight,
you know, the salon was closed
for a long time,
your hours being cut back
at the shop, so...
Voodoo Java?
I know, but it's so good.
Well, you know,
this'll be worth, I mean,
around 12 when I'm done,
maybe even more.
Mm.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- [Tami] Bye.
- Both: Muah.
Don't forget to wear your mask.
I don't wanna
get that shit again.
Ha.
I made a big mistake, son.
See, I rented this house
without asking your mommy first,
and now I'm basically her bitch.
[Fred babbles]
[low background chatter]
Gallagher, you ready
for this afternoon, cadet?
- Sir.
- Department's counting on you.
I won't let you down.
Don't let that oath mess ya up.
- Sir?
- Yeah, you know,
the truth, the whole truth,
nothin' but the truth...
[chuckles] It's all bullshit.
You just tell the judge what
they need to hear to convict.
The bastard's guilty as hell.
Roger that.
I'm, uh, I'm aware
your academy application
included several irregularities.
Irregularities, sir?
Your age, your IQ score.
But with the loss of so many
officers to the 'rona,
the bosses are willing
to put you on the street,
as long as you do
the right thing today.
- I will, sir.
- It's not a tough call
to give you a badge.
You're number one in your class
in firearms,
choke holds, baton beatings.
Well, what about
my classroom work, sir?
You know, state laws,
criminal statutes?
I'm kind of a slow reader.
- Dead last.
- [sighs]
But, hey, you don't have
to be an Einstein
to wear the blue.
Bustin' heads is a man's job,
and you are a natural born
ass kicker.
So you go in that courtroom
this afternoon and kick ass.
- Huh?
- Yes, sir.
Rock music
I like making bad decisions
That's right, Jamie.
Keep those ropes movin'.
Your rhomboids are loving it.
Back straight.
Engage those abs.
That's it, Celeste.
[growls] That's two more laps.
You got this.
All right, listen up,
kombucha drinkers.
The Alibi has special prices
for all your cannabis needs.
Sore muscles?
Anxiety 'cause you're not
getting enough likes
for your most recent
adorable puppy post?
The Alibi's got
two-for-one deals
on all spliffs
for anyone wearing
a Kev Fit t-shirt,
which are for sale
right over there on that tire.
What the hell are you doing,
Dash?
Get your overeducated ass up
and give me another 50 mailbox
presses.
Jesus, man. Are you all right?
It's my crypto.
Your what?
My Bitcoin.
It's down 30, and I was using it
to leverage my Tether
and my Ethereum.
I have no idea
what you just said.
[sighs] Oil futures gutted
my portfolio last spring.
So if there's another
two-point drop on my cryptos,
I'll have to cover
a margin call.
So that's bad.
It's fucking Death Star
Order of the Sith
Korriban invasion
exploding planet bad, man!
I'll-I'll have to call
my-my dad.
- I got you. Come on.
- Okay.
Acid rock continues
[knocks in
"shave and a haircut" rhythm]
[door hinges squeak,
door closes]
Blue Dream. Yellow Sunflower.
Purple Haze. Our five-year-old
daughter Gemma
rolled those herself.
- [sighs]
- Pink Peppermint.
Mama's Mocha.
Gorilla... although,
I don't recommend Gorilla
for a beginner like you.
Oh, I'm not a beginner.
I smoked a lot of weed
in college.
College weed,
not the same thing.
Where'd you go to college?
- Kenyon.
- Where the fuck is Kenyon?
- Ohio.
- [scoffs]
[laughs] Yeah, you're a rookie.
Stick with the gummies
and the baked goods.
V baked these brownies
herself this morning.
Ooh, I love brownies.
You've had these kind
of brownies?
No, but they look delicious.
They have a kick.
You gotta make sure
you have someplace safe to sit
after you eat one.
One brownie?
Jesus, potheads
are a bunch of pussies.
I knocked back 15 tequila shots
at my nephew's weird socially
distant wedding last week,
and was fine driving home.
Fifteen?
You check the grill of your car
the next morning
to make sure there wasn't blood
and hanks of hair?
What's a socially distanced
wedding like?
Stupid.
It was one person per pew,
and the bride and groom
kissed each other
with their masks on.
Like they're not just
gonna go back
to the Honeymoon Hotel
and bang boots.
Okay, weed is for old hippies
and cancer patients.
Real men drink.
Taylor Swift over there needs
a shot of JB, not gummies.
I-I tried weed when Grammy
had some for her glaucoma.
Made me sleepy.
Aw, this isn't your
grammy's weed, Kermit.
Glaucoma weed is a Prius.
This is a Ferrari at Daytona
weed.
[banging on door]
We're closed.
[banging continues]
City of Chicago
says all bars are closed
until further notice.
[banging rapidly]
Go, go, go, go, go!
Hide in the back.
- This is what we practiced.
- We are absolutely complying
with the mayor's
very smart decision
to close all bars and taverns.
[banging continues]
frantic rock music
[door opens]
Distractions all around
- [Frank] What's up?
- Oh, my...
- The fuck, Kev?
- Come on.
Hail 'rona survivors.
What-where is everyone?
Fuck, Frank?
You were supposed to use
the secret knock
on the door in the gym.
What? No, no.
I heard somewhere
bars are open again.
Three weeks ago, maybe.
Mayor shut us all down again
on Tuesday.
Well, who the hell
can keep track?
And excuse me,
but fuck the mayor.
He has no authority
to tread upon my rights
as a free American male
to drink my favorite brew
in the tavern of my choice.
The mayor is a she, and she has
every right to do it, and has.
Come on out, everyone.
It's just Frank.
[laughs] There they are.
Do you want to...
[Veronica] False alarm,
everybody.
Uh, this is-this is Brad.
He's making a major film
about me.
Actually, my name is Alan.
I'm a graduate student
at Lake Forest.
Holy shit.
What the hell is that?
Have I finally arrived at Mecca
after a long pilgrimage?
Hands off, Frank.
We're not offering credit
on cannabis products.
Payment up front only.
Lake Forest? The hell are you
doing all the way down here?
My doctoral dissertation
is on neighborhoods
in transition
due to the economic displacement
caused by the pandemic.
[Veronica] Well, you've come
to the right place.
Lots of economic displacement
and transition
going on around here.
[Frank]
Gentrification, my friends.
The ten percenters
gobbling up what's left
of the working man's dreams
when he's down and out.
Felled by a tiny,
lifeless microbe.
We're the last of the Mohicans.
Chicago aboriginals
struggling to preserve
a vanishing culture.
[Alan] Actually, there were
aboriginal cultures
here before us.
The Miami
and the Kickapoo tribes.
Also Gallaghers.
Kev, could we?
Oh, shit, I... pay the man.
- Do you take Venmo?
- Hell no.
[exhales] Holy shit.
[thud]
- Gorilla?
- Yep.
Ohio. [laughter]
[banging]
Hey, Mrs. Lionetti,
I'm almost done.
Leave. Now.
Huh? I'm almost finished.
- Seven?
- Seven what?
She was seven years old?
Who was seven years old?
If my Tony were still alive,
he'd take you down to the lake,
shoot you,
and push you in for the fish.
What are you talking about?
I got a notification.
I checked the website.
- What website?
- The sex offender website.
And your picture is on it.
This is you, right?
Upbeat music
I was off and runnin'
I never saw it comin'
But sometimes
all the moves that you make
Start to shake
all the meaning from before
I was up and comin'
I never stop for nothin'
But then she ripped
my heart from my chest
Hey, Hassan, coffee still fresh?
Four hours old.
That's good enough.
Oh, oh, oh
Gimme one sec.
Oh, oh, oh
Hella sweet
- That still a buck?
- Yep.
Here you go.
Thank you.
$5.49? Jesus.
Hella sweet
Oh, oh, oh
Hella sweet
He spent all our wedding money
on God knows what.
Isn't marriage supposed to
be about communication?
Compromise? Agreed upon
mutual fuckin' goals?
How's that supposed to happen
when one person in the marriage
just goes off and does
whatever the hell he wants
without telling the other
person what he's doing?
Sounds just like me
and my first husband, Juan.
No communication.
[Ian] He sits around
the house all day
like we're not in the worst
economy since the Depression.
Says we're still
on our honeymoon.
How long you been married?
Six months.
What's he expect us to live on?
The bills are piling up.
[coworker] Marriage is hard.
You should've worked that shit
out before you tied the knot.
Once you're married,
it's already too late.
Upbeat music
Let me show you somethin'
It's on the scene
A new wave, 360 degrees
Above the power
The power of me
Me as in he, and she, and we
Yeah, you got the news
There's something in the air
There's something in the air
[door opens]
Thanks, Teri.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Look at you.
You fixed the jogger.
Yeah.
Hello, baby of mine. Hi.
Wow. You're sweating.
- I did five miles.
- [chuckles]
[gasps] Thank God.
You're my savior.
And, uh, two packets
raw sugar, right?
- Yes. Thanks.
- Here you go.
Did you go by
the paint store yet?
I'm heading there next.
Oh. Where's my foam?
Oh, uh, you know,
it must've gotten
all mixed in, you know,
when I was running.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Delicious.
Thank you.
Both: Muah.
Oh. [inhales sharply]
[laughs]
Seven! It says Julia
was seven years old, not 17.
[laughs]
It's not fuckin' funny.
Everybody's gonna think
I'm a child molester.
Well, you sort of are.
It's got my address, my social
security number, my email.
God damn it.
I'm lucky if
the neighborhood moms
don't show up out front tonight
with torches
to hang me from the playground
swing set.
Okay, it's probably
not that big of a deal.
Look at all these other guys.
- What?
- All these little dots
on the map are sex offenders
in the area.
[Debbie] Jesus.
There must be 100 of them.
What the fuck
is wrong with people?
Hey, that's Mr. Mosier
down the block.
I knew it. He was always
way too into Halloween.
[Sandy] Nice picture, though.
[scoffs]
You're sexy.
I mean, look at that cleavage.
- Yeah, I do look pretty hot.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit.
Who the hell is
gonna hire me now?
I told Lieutenant Rucker
I was undercover,
but he said I wasn't undercover.
But I was.
Which is why I'm here today.
What were you asked to do in
that house, Mr. Gallagher?
[clears throat]
Empty my bowels, ma'am.
So, defecate?
[sighs] I did not defecate.
I took a shit.
[clears throat]
Can you point to the man
who told you to take that shit?
That's him, ma'am.
Please let the record show
Mr. Gallagher identified
the defendant, Otis Grange.
Mr. Winston.
So, Mr. Gallagher,
you're a police cadet,
are you not?
Yes, sir.
And you're 19 years old?
Almost 20, sir.
And how exactly
did you get a spot
at the Chicago Police Academy
at such a tender age?
Tender? [scoffs]
I'm not tender, sir.
I work out.
- I can bench 240.
- [Winston] Good for you.
Did anyone promise you a spot
at the police academy
in exchange for your testimony
against my client today?
Sir, if you were to work
garbage duty
in Chicago for six months,
you'd deserve a spot, too.
Is that a no?
Garbage in Chicago is dirty,
sir.
Very dirty.
So no quid pro quo.
Squid pro what?
Were you told that you could
enter the police academy
two years early
in exchange for your testimony?
And let me remind you
that you have taken an oath
in this court to tell the truth,
and only the truth,
so help you God.
No, sir.
I got into the academy
because they know
I'm gonna be
a great police officer.
You understand, Mr. Gallagher,
that lying under oath
is perjury,
punishable by up to five years
in state prison.
Are you calling me a liar, sir?
Why? Because I grew up poor
on the South Side?
Because my father is a drunk
and my mother was a junkie?
Because I'm not as smart as you
and you can humiliate me
using big words I don't know.
I got into the academy
because they know
when we roll up on a gun fight,
I'll be the one running
towards the shooting,
not away from it.
They know when
a 911 call comes in
and it's some bastard scumbag
pistol-whipping
a little girl, trying to steal
her pink bicycle,
that I'll be there, ready to
take a bullet in the face.
Upbeat music
O... kay.
There you go. Hey, man.
- [Lip] Yo, Flavio.
- Hey.
I didn't know you worked here.
I thought you were
still at Rowdy's Chicken.
Yeah, yeah,
Rowdy's closed for good, man.
I survived the first shutdown,
but not the second one.
So my uncle got me a job here.
He's afraid of my mom.
We all are. She drinking again?
Yeah. Waving that gun around.
- [Lip] Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
That your kid?
Uh, yeah, that's Fred.
Oh, he's sleeping.
Hey, look, you got, uh,
this Seafoam Morning Mist?
Uh, sure, yeah.
The Monticello Collection.
Supposed to be the colors
Thomas Jefferson created
for Monticello.
No kidding. Jefferson, huh?
Yeah, it's probably bullshit,
but the PBR crowd eats it up.
- It's pricey, though.
- Yeah? How pricey?
Uh, how many you need?
I don't know, four gallons.
Set you back a little over
a hundie with tax.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Um...
Hey, what about these?
[Flavio] Paint the yoga mat
ladies buy and then return
'cause they say it didn't
match the sample book.
- Got any blues?
- Mm, probably.
Mm, hmm...
[Lip] Hey.
Oh, wait, what about this one?
Ah, no, they're not the same.
Ah, it's close enough.
You got another one
of these blues?
Uh...
Yeah, yeah.
[Lip] All right, great.
Now we just need two more.
That's not bad.
Hey, what do you think
about those?
And blend together in the mixer,
[hits can] pour the mixed paint
back into the cans.
You write Seafoam Morning Mist
on those cans,
there's an extra tenner in it
for you, all right?
- Deal.
- Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, we're all set, okay, bud?
We're almost outta here,
all right?
You check to make sure
he's still breathing?
I think he wet his pants.
Where the hell'd you get that?
[Frank] On the floor.
Joe College didn't finish it.
Pretty good shit.
I'd give it four puffs.
- [woman] How's the Blue Dream?
- Mm.
"You'll float on
a downy bank of clouds
on a bright summer's day."
The Pink Peppermint?
"Hints of an herb garden,
Alice in Wonderland,
and the Mad Hatter."
[woman] What flavor
are the gummies, lime?
- [Kevin] Mm-hmm.
- Jesus, where the fuck are we?
Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory?
What about the Purple Haze?
Is it really strong?
Uh, I'm not too sure
about that one.
We just got that one in.
But our daughter Gemma...
She's five...
- She rolled those herself.
- Oh.
Maybe I could be of some help.
Why don't you order one of each,
and I can sample them for you
and then rate them on my world-
renowned Gallagher Puff Scale?
Puff Scale?
One puff being a glass of rosé
on a warm, summery day.
Five puffs being you wake up
naked in an alley
with something
stuck in your ass,
no idea where the fuck you are.
[laughs]
Leave the customers alone,
Frank.
Two Pink Peppermints
and ten gummies, please.
[Tommy]
Christ. Do we really need
another legal
intoxicating substance?
- That shit's a gateway drug.
- [Frank laughs] Weed?
We're 20 years into
the next century, Nancy Reagan.
It's really a question
of personal freedom.
Why is it any
of your damn business
if I choose to smoke a fat one
after dinner?
Or shoot up in the privacy
of my local Denny's bathroom?
It's my life.
My body, my choice.
[Veronica] Your problem,
Tommy, is you think
knocking back boilermakers
while your ass
is stuck on that stool
is something
that all red-blooded
white American males
are supposed to do,
while smoking weed
is a Black folk thing.
The only reason
why marijuana's been illegal
for the last hundred years
is because
poor Black people
in the ghetto were smoking it.
Marijuana prosecution
was criminalized racism.
Now that white people decided
they like smoking it,
it has to be made legal.
Can't make lily white kids
go to prison
for having a couple of blunts.
That's it.
That's how we stop it.
We've been getting gentrified
because it's gotten
too safe down here.
The murder rate
was at an all-time low
before the 'VID, right?
Rich people weren't afraid
to move down here.
But now that we've had
a few good riots,
burned a few bougie stores,
I'll bet you the gentrifiers
are gettin' nervous.
All we gotta do is make
the Yards dangerous again.
Make sure the murder rate
is rising.
Spill some blood.
What? We have to shoot people?
No, no, not just any people.
The right people.
Shoot a couple of Millennials,
like Alan here.
Oh, ho, the gentrifiers
would be on the first Uber
back to Bucktown.
[scattered laughs]
It's a little extreme,
don't you think?
Well, you don't
have to kill him.
Just wound them.
Get on the news.
Make the South Side
dangerous again.
That's the Chicago I loved.
A lot of bleeding.
Well, I should
probably get going.
Oh, hey!
It was so great meeting you.
- [Veronica] Take care!
- Not that door. Back door.
Don't be a stranger.
[Dash laughs]
He sure acts like he's having
a pretty great time.
Hey, you know, we should try it.
No thanks. I'm not a loser.
It's great for
the immune system.
Also the libido.
I've had epic sex on weed.
If you don't wanna smoke it,
why not try a brownie?
[Veronica] They're all-natural
and delicious, too.
Who doesn't love a brownie?
Okay, one brownie.
- Tommy?
- Nope.
Mmm, these are delicious.
Come on. What are you, chicken?
Chicken?
A-are we in second grade?
[all clucking]
[sighs] Fine. Oh, God.
Fine, gimme the damn brownie.
[all cheering]
funky music
Not bad.
Oh! Hey, if you're
giving free samples, can I...
Oh, I'm bang, bang,
bangin' on the door
Bang, bang, bangin' on the door
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Going down, sir?
He's going down.
Congratulations, Gallagher.
You're gonna get to be
one of the best of the best,
a goddamn
Chicago police officer.
- Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
- Thank you, sir.
[tool clanking]
[door opens]
- Hey.
- Hey. Shh.
- Naptime?
- Yeah.
[Lip] Now he sleeps.
He'll be up all night later.
He's teething.
Have you tried Frank's whiskey
trick with the tub?
I'm pretty sure that's
considered bad parenting now.
I'm pretty sure that was
considered bad parenting then.
What's up?
Oh, the whole [sighs] marriage
thing is harder than it looks.
Do you and Tami
share your money?
We're not married.
You say so.
So how do you handle your cash?
Do you put it all together,
or just some of it, or what?
Here, hold this wrench,
will you?
Yeah.
The money? Uh...
Uh, I guess Tami
kinda runs things.
So you just give her
all your money and that's it?
We don't really have
enough money to worry about it.
But, uh, truth is,
I don't really care much
about money.
And she cares a lot.
Me and you, we never had
much of anything growing up,
and we always managed
to get by, right?
- Barely.
- Lemme see.
Tami, she always had enough.
Ever since this pandemic,
she's worried we won't.
It's weird how people with money
are always afraid of losing it
and all poor people can
think about is spending it.
[grunts]
But do you decide what you're
gonna spend money on together?
Well, there's really not much
to decide.
We're, uh, pretty much broke
at the end of the month.
Why?
You and Mick having
some money troubles?
Yeah, I make it, and he doesn't.
[Lip] What, you didn't wanna
talk about any of that stuff
before you got married?
I figured we just agreed
on how things were gonna work.
Guess not, huh?
Yeah. It's my mistake, I guess.
Well, gotta talk about it.
Right? You compromise,
all that couple shit.
Look, you, uh, love each other,
Right?
- Yes.
- Okay, so,
gotta get on the same page
about how this marriage thing
is supposed to work.
You sure I can't
just get him to do
everything the way I want?
Pretty sure, yeah.
Look, we didn't have parents
who could show us
what a relationship
was supposed to look like.
We gotta figure out that shit
as we go.
The hell was that... Dr. Phil?
Good Housekeeping.
It's on the rack
at the well-child checkup.
Can you at least
take the mugshot
with my cleavage off the site
and get Julia's age right?
Yes, she was 17, not seven.
Well, then check
the damn court records!
I'm on probation... would I be on
probation if she'd been seven?
Really?
You can get probation if you
diddled a seven-year-old?
That's really fucked up.
Yes, please. Thank you so much.
Okay, she said she's gonna
correct Julia's age,
but they won't do anything
about the mugshot.
Well, I'm getting a lot of hits.
On what?
Your new Instagram account.
What new account?
@DebbieHotLesbianConvict.
I put it up
with your cleavage mugshot.
"Wrongly convicted lesbian
welder."
Would it have happened
if she wasn't queer?
Would anyone have cared
if she wasn't a lesbian?
- [chuckles]
- It's blowing up.
Everybody wants to hire you.
Jesus, really?
Well, lots of lesbians, anyway.
And some seriously creepy
old white dudes.
[Debbie] Hm.
HotLesbianConvict.
You two okay?
[soft rock in background]
Did you eat all the brownies?
I had three, and Tommy had four.
- Four?
- We were hungry.
Kev! These fools
ate all the brownies.
And the gummies.
[Kevin] Jesus! [keg thuds]
Are they okay?
I'm fine.
I just gotta hit the head.
Yeah, yeah me too.
Do you have a gas can
around here, Kev?
What are you going on about?
Making the South Side
even more dangerous.
I'm thinking we set
a cop car on fire.
The cops have to show up
with riot gear, tear gas.
[Phil Collins'
"In the Air Tonight" plays]
[groans]
[zipping]
[flushes toilet]
I always loved this song.
Yeah. Me too.
But the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you and me
I can feel it
Coming in the air tonight
Oh, Lord
Well, I've been waiting
for this moment
For all my life
Oh, Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight
- Oh, Lord
- [stall door squeaks]
Oh, Lord
Well, I've been waiting
for this moment
For all my life
Oh, Lord
- I can feel it coming
- [belt buckle rattles]
In the air tonight
[zipping]
Oh, Lord
[door opens]
And I've been waiting
for this moment
For all my life
We need to be honest
with each other, all right?
No more secrets.
- No more secrets at all?
- No.
Nothing but truth.
We should've talked about what
we expected from each other
before we got married,
but we didn't,
- so now we have to.
- Look, if this is about
the wedding money,
I'm gonna pay it back, man.
Yes, but it's also about...
It's about what we want
the marriage to be.
We need some rules.
Yeah, I'm not great with rules.
A mutual understanding
of how shit is gonna work.
What does that mean?
Like, how we spend money
together,
joint purchases, monogamy.
The hell is that?
Not fucking other people.
Oh.
We just talking fucking,
or are we talking
about blow jobs, too?
I think blow jobs should count,
yeah.
Right.
You really never wanna
fuck anybody else?
I mean, I... if I'm being honest,
I'm not really sure either.
It's just kinda hard to imagine
that I'm never, ever gonna wanna
fuck anyone else, you know?
But I also know I...
definitely don't want you
to fuck anyone else.
Well, hold on, that just means
you wanna be able
to fuck other people
but you don't want me to be
able to fuck other people.
That doesn't sound fair.
Okay, so we're both monogamous
or we both get to fuck
other people.
- Yeah. That sounds fair.
- Mm-hmm.
Upbeat music
What do you wanna do?
What do you wanna do?
I asked you first.
I don't know.
Okay, uh, I'll tell you what.
We'll both each write down
what we want,
then we'll turn our answers
over at the same time.
Great.
I saw you walkin'
down the street
With your headphones on
I could hear your beat
Like, ba da, ba da ba da
Ba da, ba da ba da
Ba da, ba da ba da
Oh, yeah
- Ba da, ba da ba da
- I'm gonna eat you
Ba da, ba da ba da
I'm gonna eat you
- Ba da, ba da ba da - Oh, yeah
So we both turn 'em over
on three.
One, two, three.
Hey
Hey, turn your
fuckin' paper over.
I think I spelled
monogamy wrong.
- I spelled monogamy wrong!
- Will you let me...
I spelled it wrong!
Oh, shit, he-ey-ey-ey!
[chuckling]
Look who's a real cop now.
Yep. Badge, gun, and everything.
- You graduated?
- Tomorrow.
But they gave us
the uniforms today
so we can wear 'em
to the ceremony.
[Mickey] Fuckin' fantastic.
No more parking tickets for me.
You don't have a car, dumbass.
- [Ian] Hey.
- [Debbie] Hey.
- [Carl] Where y'all goin'?
- Lip and Tami's.
Gotta finish drywalling
the living room.
Hey, y'all get enough chicken?
Two buckets of extra crispy.
You two coming or what?
- Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
- [Ian] Uh...
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Upbeat music
Hey!
[chatter]
[door opens]
[Kevin] How am I supposed
to open the door
- when I don't have any hands?
- [Lip] Yo!
- [Kevin] What's up, Lip?
- [Lip] My man.
- Hi! We have arrived!
- [Lip] Hi! What the fuck?
- [Sandy] Hi.
- Yo! Hey.
- [Debbie] We made it.
- Hi.
[overlapping chatter]
Look at you.
- Check it out.
- Wow. Nice.
[Ian] Hey, gimme a hammer.
I wanna break some shit.
- [Lip] You wanna help?
- I guess so.
There you go.
- Yo.
- Yo.
Hey, you guys talk?
Uh... sort of.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. We'll figure it out.
[upbeat rock playing over radio]
Hey.
[laughs] Uh, hey.
- [Lip] Everything good?
- Yeah, yeah.
All right. Hey, I wanna
show you something.
Yeah?
What do you think?
Uh, it's beautiful.
Definitely worth
the extra money.
Absolutely.
Okay, I am starving.
[chatter]
[Veronica] Hey, Tami.
Hey.
Hey, Fran, you wanna
help Uncle Carl?
Lose your doubts
Holding on, let it out
This is the beginning
[Frank] This is my Chicago,
the Chicago I love.
Lip's got a baby now.
Debbie's got a kid
and a rap sheet.
Carl's gonna be a cop.
Didn't see that coming.
Ian's married to a Milkovich.
[chuckles]
Really didn't see that coming.
Family looking after family.
That's the South Side way.
The Gallagher way.
It's a long walk back
from yesterday
Yeah, this is our Chicago.
It's disappearing fast.
But before it's gone,
we're gonna enjoy
every fuckin' minute of it.
We're comin' home
We're comin' home
[chuckles under breath]
[door opens]
Are you Hot Lesbian
Convict Lady?
Would you, um,
like to buy some cookies,
Hot Lesbian Convict Lady?
I'm only seven. [both laugh]
The bigger, the better,
the better, the bigger
The bigger, the better,
the better, the bigger
More, more, more
Hey, I really want it right now
Hey, turn it up real loud
Hey, I really want it right now
Well, well, well,
look who's back.
Where the hell you been?
At home, sitting on your asses,
practicing social distancing?
Washing your hands
20 times a day
while us essential workers
risked our lives
making sure
you have enough toilet paper
and wheat flour
for your sourdough?
[indistinct announcement
over P.A. system]
What a bunch of pussies.
And now y-you can't remember
what happened
last season on Shameless?
[scoffs]
Get out of here.
Go on, get.
Get! I will piss on your leg.
I'll piss on your leg.
[door slams]
What do you got, Gallagher?
Sanitation Department is in bed
with the real estate developers.
It's all overseen
by this cat named Otis.
Otis wants you
to bust into that house
and take a shit
in the living room.
Okay, took a shit
in somebody's living room.
You're gonna make one hell
of a cop someday, Gallagher.
Thank you, sir.
- Who the fuck is this?
- Julia.
They said she was young, but...
- Who are you?
- I'm Sandy...
her girlfriend.
[grunting]
We have an arrest warrant
for Deborah Gallagher.
Statutory rape of a minor,
Julia Nicolo.
Fuck.
We got a runner!
Stop! Police!
[Tommy] So this Keg Zone stuff
is actually working?
I got 20 fully paid Keggers
already.
I'm not moving to Milwaukee.
I told you that.
Come look inside
the house with me.
It's got two beds, big backyard.
I don't need to look inside.
Jesus.
- Needs some work.
- Two bedrooms?
Yeah.
I now pronounce you
husband and husband.
- Now?
- Yes, now.
[cheers and applause]
rock music
Think of all the luck you got
Know that it's not for naught
You were beaming once before
But it's not like that anymore
What is this downside
That you speak of?
What is this feeling
You're so sure of?
Round up the friends you got
Know that they're not for naught
You were willing once before
But it's not like that anymore
What is this downside
That you speak of?
What is this feeling
You're so sure of?
Rousing orchestral music
[narrator] Chicago,
the city of broad shoulders,
the Windy City,
a city with a multitude
of voices,
languages,
and a vibrant history.
From the four corners
of the Earth,
people come
to the city on the lake
to work and help create
a truly modern metropolis.
[Frank] Yep,
from all four corners
of the Earth, all right.
Polacks and krauts and dagos
and the lowest of the low,
the Irish...
Starving spud famine refugees,
like us Gallaghers.
Upbeat rock music
Every important moment
in Chicago history,
a Gallagher was there.
The Chicago Fire,
Mrs. O'Leary's cow,
that was Great-Great-Grandma
Gallagher's Holstein.
[cow moos]
The union stockyard workers,
the poor bastards butchering
6,000 steers a day,
covered in blood and shit,
all Gallaghers.
The Black Sox
score-fixing scandal,
a Gallagher.
No, he wasn't a player.
He was a gambler.
Set the whole thing up.
Made a bundle.
Prohibition, Capone,
you think it was all Italians?
Hell no.
It was Gallaghers that provided
the homicidal muscle.
The riots at the Democratic
Convention in '68,
yep, that was me.
Part of the Chicago Eight.
[Alan] The Chicago Eight?
I thought it was
the Chicago Seven.
It was eight.
I was at a White Castle
getting burgers
for Abbie and the guys
when the pigs broke in.
So they only took seven
and put 'em on trial.
Where we're standing,
right here,
on Ashland Avenue,
there were 20 bars
on this block 100 years ago,
each and every one of 'em
owned by a Gallagher.
Now we got
three hipster coffee shops.
It was seven before
the COVID took down the weak.
Chinamen did us a favor
with that virus.
Who the hell needs
seven coffee shops?
Hey, do you know why they call
this part of the South Side
Back of the Yards?
Sure, it was right behind the...
No, no,
not because it was
behind the stockyards,
because it was the back
of the Gallagher yards.
Every single house
owned by a Gallagher.
- Is any of this true?
- [slurping]
Is any of this true?
The Gallaghers built Chicago
single-handedly.
Come on, I'll take you
to Leavitt Street.
I'll show you the tenement
where Paddy Gallagher
wrote The Jungle.
[baby crying]
[Tami moans]
- [sighs]
- Oh, no, no.
Let him cry.
[sighs] He's teething.
[Tami groans]
The hell does he need teeth for
anyway?
I don't know.
[crying continues]
[Tami groans]
We could drug him.
Break up a downer or something.
Frank used to rub whiskey
on our gums.
- [laughs]
- Then he'd dump us in the tub.
Without water, I hope.
Not always.
[Tami sighing]
- I think I'm gonna die.
- [laughs]
Can you die from lack of sleep?
[crying continues]
Oh, my God. Okay.
I'll get him. You start coffee.
Okay.
[crying continues]
[vocalizing]
[tapping]
light rock music
Hey, where's the Mr. Coffee?
Oh, I bought us a French press
at an eviction yard sale.
What?
It's by the stove.
Just add hot water.
There's a new bag of coffee
in the fridge.
Huh.
Hey, um, maybe we need
to try something else,
you know, with Fred teething.
[Tami sighs] Yeah?
Like what?
I don't know, we could do, uh,
I don't know,
one night on, one night off.
You know, one of us
stays at my old house
or your dad's,
gets a good night's sleep
while the other one stays here.
We could, uh, trade off,
you know?
Okay.
Dibs first night.
Who got evicted?
Aniya, that girl who was working
at the beauty supply shop
on Ashland.
Is that the one that, uh,
bellied up?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah. One of many.
Hey, I need you to run
some errands for me today...
Grocery, paint store.
Is that a problem?
No. Glad to.
[Lip] Mm.
- I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
- That's a good idea.
[baby squeals]
[Lip sighs]
rock music
Stop!
[church bell tolls]
[dog barking]
[siren chirps]
[Carl] Got you, fucker.
[grunts]
[Carl exhaling heavily]
Outstanding, Gallagher.
Thank you, sir.
Why didn't you shoot him?
I knew I could catch him, sir.
- Uncuff him. Give me the gun.
- [handcuffs ratcheting]
[chuckles]
That's how it's done, cadets.
Never shoot a suspect
in the back.
You wait for 'em to turn around,
and then you shoot 'em
in the face.
Good to know, sir.
[electric razor buzzing]
Why are you shaving your head?
'Cause I'm goin' bald.
But you're bald now, Kev.
Exactly. Now no one will know
I was going bald.
Science.
Should I just pour the weed
right in?
Yeah, I think so.
Go see if those gummies
are setting up right.
They need a few more minutes.
Hey, no sampling the product.
Excellent, Gemma.
Nice and tight.
Amy, good,
but a little less product
in the next one, okay?
Kev, what are the girls doing?
Their tiny fingers are perfect.
Look, this is why
they used little kids
to dig stuff out of machinery
back in the old days.
They outlawed that, Kev.
It's called child labor.
Well, we're a family business
now.
We all need to pull
our own weight.
No. Girls, go finish
getting ready for school,
and don't forget your masks.
I was gonna have 'em
wash their hands
- when they were done.
- Girls, wash your hands.
Did you pick up
the display case?
Yeah, it's in the truck.
Isn't this exciting?
Legal weed in Chicago?
Can you believe it?
Remember Diego, my roommate
from the group home,
the one with the glass eye?
He got 20 years.
Now we can just sell it
right out in the open.
Not out in the open.
We're not licensed yet.
And we're supposed
to be closed anyway.
Amy?
Gemma.
Girl's got a gift.
[door squeaks, slams]
[footsteps approaching]
Mm, morning Mr. Milkovich.
Morning, Mr. Gallagher.
Five times last night.
I'm feeling kinda raw.
How about you, stud?
I could go another five
right now.
- Mm - Mm-hmm.
Some big talk.
You ready to back it up?
Gotta get to work.
Call in sick.
We need the paycheck.
All right. Your loss.
Hey, you making breakfast
for both of us?
No. Didn't know you were
gonna get up.
You didn't get up yesterday.
Well, throw some more bread
in that bitch.
Sorry, I only make toast
for husbands who have jobs.
Good thing I have a job.
No, you have a laundromat owner
who's terrified
you're gonna smash his face
- into a dryer again.
- Exactly.
I'm sure he'd write you
fake paystubs
to give to your parole officer
if I asked him.
That's not the point.
We need more money coming in.
All right.
Fine, I'll hit the Stop & Shop
on Rush.
Hey, no. I don't wanna be
some sad-ass prison widow
catching a bus to Stateville
every weekend.
No? Want me to get
some shitty-ass
minimum-wage job like you,
hauling boxes
around a warehouse?
No.
There aren't many other jobs
left around here, Mick.
It's either Amazon
or digging graves.
Until you decide to do
one or the other,
my shitty minimum-wage job
is the only money
we got coming in.
- And the bills are piling up.
- Uh-huh.
Okay, fine.
I'll start digging into
the wedding present money
instead of saving it
to get our own place.
Do what you gotta do, lover.
Me, I'm gonna go
take an ice bath.
My asshole's on fire.
Just not right.
I mean, Julia's only
ten months younger than me.
Why do I have to plead guilty
and wear this fuckin'
ankle bracelet
and do all that
community service
when Carl did the exact
same thing with Julia
but they didn't arrest him?
Well, not exactly
the same thing.
He wasn't banging Julia
and her mom at the same time.
No, that judge
just hates lesbians.
I mean, did you see the way
that he looked at me,
at Julia?
It was disgust.
[Sandy] Mm, I don't know.
He seemed pretty into it to me,
especially when, uh,
Julia was describing
how you used to go down
on her for hours.
[Debbie scoffs]
It's looking good, sweetie.
Okay, it's time
to get ready for school.
No more Zoom. Real school.
Let's put your shoes on.
How long do you think it'll be
before the school
shuts down again this time?
I bet a week.
UPS just dropped this off.
[gasps] It came!
- What is it?
- Gotta put 'em on.
Put what on?
Let's go.
Energetic music
Hmm. What do you think?
Everything?
Welding, plumbing, carpentry,
household repairs.
[chuckles] I mean, it could
have multiple meanings.
What?
[both laugh]
Liam, no.
Hello, Debbie Does Everything?
Um, I've got a rusty pipe.
You think you could
shine it up for me?
[scoffs] Look at my truck.
That doesn't tell you
that I'm a handyman?
Debbie Does Everything?
My sewer line is clogged.
Can you please come over
and plunge it for me?
Upbeat music
Huh.
You see that house
with the "For Sale" sign?
The Sons of Columbus
burned a cross in the yard
the first night
the Jacksons moved in.
But the Jacksons were tough.
Used to be sharecroppers
in Alabama.
A racist bonfire
didn't scare them.
Mr. Jackson died of the 'VID
last spring.
He was a janitor over at Mercy.
[slurping]
Getting a little dry here,
laddie.
My memory elixir!
Hey...
thanks for caring for what
I have to say, by the way.
Well, you're the only person
who responded to my flyer.
[Frank laughs]
"Units start as low
as $170,000."
Time was, you could've bought
a whole block down here
for that much money.
Everything's changing.
The Prius crowd is moving in,
taking advantage of the folks
who lost their jobs
in the Corona hoax.
- Oh, hey, girl!
- Hey!
Let's go over by the park.
I'll show you
where the best crack house
in Chicago used to be,
see if any of the old gang's
still around.
Bright music
Okay, Franny.
Remember, no hugging anybody.
[Debbie] They say anything
about going back
to alternating days, yet?
[man] Jesus, I hope not.
Boss won't let me bring Tommy
to work anymore.
- [Debbie] Who's the new guy?
- Uh, Barry.
[Debbie] What'd he do?
[man, exhales] Rapist, I think.
Yeah, he just got out.
His son's kinda cute, though.
He's the spiky-haired one
right there in the Slayer
shirt, you see him?
[Barry] Hey, Slash!
Anyone gives you shit,
I just want you
to punch 'em in the throat
like I showed you.
[Debbie] Barry,
you're over the line, man.
The fuck'd you say?
That line...
It's exactly 500 feet
from the school's entrance.
If you cross it,
the cops could bust you.
Oh. Okay. Thanks.
- Appreciate it.
- Yeah.
Debbie, misdemeanor...
Statutory rape.
But she was only
ten months younger than me.
Barry, statutory two,
with felony.
But hey, she looked 20.
Upbeat rock music
I love you, Franny.
Remember, no hugging
the other kids.
IOUs?
[water bubbling]
What the fuck is this?
I go to get our money
for the utilities
out of our wedding cash,
and all I find is IOUs.
You spent all our money
from the wedding?
Relax, you know I'm good for it.
That's not the point.
It's not your money.
It's our money.
Okay, so I spent
some of our money.
On what?
I don't know. Stuff.
It's-it's not your money
to spend.
We decided we were saving it
to get our own place.
No, no. You decided
we were saving it
to get our own place.
I said we should
use the wedding money
for us to have some fuckin' fun.
Yeah, one of us has certainly
been having some fuckin' fun.
Oh, quit being a bitch.
I'll pay it back.
Oh.
We're supposed to be making
these decisions together.
Okay, so can I use some of
our money to buy a beer?
One beer.
Sure. One beer.
- Yes.
- Great.
So what about lube?
Can I use our money to buy lube?
You're the one who likes
that expensive strawberry shit.
I'm good with spit.
What about your meds?
Ain't cheap.
That comin' out of your money
or our money
- or is that coming out of...
- There isn't any your money
or my money,
there's only our money.
That's what happens
when you get married.
Sure.
Upbeat rock music
I gotta get to work.
- [distant sirens]
- [dogs barking]
[sighs]
[door clicks opens]
[sighs] Okay, I'm off.
You have a good day
with Daddy, all right?
I thought you were gonna
fix the wheel
on that jogger yesterday.
Yeah, no.
I got caught up with this.
Okay, well, do it,
and take Fred for a run.
Fresh air's supposed to
help babies sleep at night.
And then I need you
to go by the paint store
and pick up four gallons
of this:
- Seafoam Morning Mist.
- Mm-hmm.
And then can you swing by
Voodoo Java
and get me a skinny grande
latte with extra foam
and drop it by the salon?
I've got ten clients today,
and I am not gonna make it
without my midday caffeine.
So how much did we pay for this?
It's a '47 Chief.
Mm-hmm.
3 grand.
Just 'cause things are tight,
you know, the salon was closed
for a long time,
your hours being cut back
at the shop, so...
Voodoo Java?
I know, but it's so good.
Well, you know,
this'll be worth, I mean,
around 12 when I'm done,
maybe even more.
Mm.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- [Tami] Bye.
- Both: Muah.
Don't forget to wear your mask.
I don't wanna
get that shit again.
Ha.
I made a big mistake, son.
See, I rented this house
without asking your mommy first,
and now I'm basically her bitch.
[Fred babbles]
[low background chatter]
Gallagher, you ready
for this afternoon, cadet?
- Sir.
- Department's counting on you.
I won't let you down.
Don't let that oath mess ya up.
- Sir?
- Yeah, you know,
the truth, the whole truth,
nothin' but the truth...
[chuckles] It's all bullshit.
You just tell the judge what
they need to hear to convict.
The bastard's guilty as hell.
Roger that.
I'm, uh, I'm aware
your academy application
included several irregularities.
Irregularities, sir?
Your age, your IQ score.
But with the loss of so many
officers to the 'rona,
the bosses are willing
to put you on the street,
as long as you do
the right thing today.
- I will, sir.
- It's not a tough call
to give you a badge.
You're number one in your class
in firearms,
choke holds, baton beatings.
Well, what about
my classroom work, sir?
You know, state laws,
criminal statutes?
I'm kind of a slow reader.
- Dead last.
- [sighs]
But, hey, you don't have
to be an Einstein
to wear the blue.
Bustin' heads is a man's job,
and you are a natural born
ass kicker.
So you go in that courtroom
this afternoon and kick ass.
- Huh?
- Yes, sir.
Rock music
I like making bad decisions
That's right, Jamie.
Keep those ropes movin'.
Your rhomboids are loving it.
Back straight.
Engage those abs.
That's it, Celeste.
[growls] That's two more laps.
You got this.
All right, listen up,
kombucha drinkers.
The Alibi has special prices
for all your cannabis needs.
Sore muscles?
Anxiety 'cause you're not
getting enough likes
for your most recent
adorable puppy post?
The Alibi's got
two-for-one deals
on all spliffs
for anyone wearing
a Kev Fit t-shirt,
which are for sale
right over there on that tire.
What the hell are you doing,
Dash?
Get your overeducated ass up
and give me another 50 mailbox
presses.
Jesus, man. Are you all right?
It's my crypto.
Your what?
My Bitcoin.
It's down 30, and I was using it
to leverage my Tether
and my Ethereum.
I have no idea
what you just said.
[sighs] Oil futures gutted
my portfolio last spring.
So if there's another
two-point drop on my cryptos,
I'll have to cover
a margin call.
So that's bad.
It's fucking Death Star
Order of the Sith
Korriban invasion
exploding planet bad, man!
I'll-I'll have to call
my-my dad.
- I got you. Come on.
- Okay.
Acid rock continues
[knocks in
"shave and a haircut" rhythm]
[door hinges squeak,
door closes]
Blue Dream. Yellow Sunflower.
Purple Haze. Our five-year-old
daughter Gemma
rolled those herself.
- [sighs]
- Pink Peppermint.
Mama's Mocha.
Gorilla... although,
I don't recommend Gorilla
for a beginner like you.
Oh, I'm not a beginner.
I smoked a lot of weed
in college.
College weed,
not the same thing.
Where'd you go to college?
- Kenyon.
- Where the fuck is Kenyon?
- Ohio.
- [scoffs]
[laughs] Yeah, you're a rookie.
Stick with the gummies
and the baked goods.
V baked these brownies
herself this morning.
Ooh, I love brownies.
You've had these kind
of brownies?
No, but they look delicious.
They have a kick.
You gotta make sure
you have someplace safe to sit
after you eat one.
One brownie?
Jesus, potheads
are a bunch of pussies.
I knocked back 15 tequila shots
at my nephew's weird socially
distant wedding last week,
and was fine driving home.
Fifteen?
You check the grill of your car
the next morning
to make sure there wasn't blood
and hanks of hair?
What's a socially distanced
wedding like?
Stupid.
It was one person per pew,
and the bride and groom
kissed each other
with their masks on.
Like they're not just
gonna go back
to the Honeymoon Hotel
and bang boots.
Okay, weed is for old hippies
and cancer patients.
Real men drink.
Taylor Swift over there needs
a shot of JB, not gummies.
I-I tried weed when Grammy
had some for her glaucoma.
Made me sleepy.
Aw, this isn't your
grammy's weed, Kermit.
Glaucoma weed is a Prius.
This is a Ferrari at Daytona
weed.
[banging on door]
We're closed.
[banging continues]
City of Chicago
says all bars are closed
until further notice.
[banging rapidly]
Go, go, go, go, go!
Hide in the back.
- This is what we practiced.
- We are absolutely complying
with the mayor's
very smart decision
to close all bars and taverns.
[banging continues]
frantic rock music
[door opens]
Distractions all around
- [Frank] What's up?
- Oh, my...
- The fuck, Kev?
- Come on.
Hail 'rona survivors.
What-where is everyone?
Fuck, Frank?
You were supposed to use
the secret knock
on the door in the gym.
What? No, no.
I heard somewhere
bars are open again.
Three weeks ago, maybe.
Mayor shut us all down again
on Tuesday.
Well, who the hell
can keep track?
And excuse me,
but fuck the mayor.
He has no authority
to tread upon my rights
as a free American male
to drink my favorite brew
in the tavern of my choice.
The mayor is a she, and she has
every right to do it, and has.
Come on out, everyone.
It's just Frank.
[laughs] There they are.
Do you want to...
[Veronica] False alarm,
everybody.
Uh, this is-this is Brad.
He's making a major film
about me.
Actually, my name is Alan.
I'm a graduate student
at Lake Forest.
Holy shit.
What the hell is that?
Have I finally arrived at Mecca
after a long pilgrimage?
Hands off, Frank.
We're not offering credit
on cannabis products.
Payment up front only.
Lake Forest? The hell are you
doing all the way down here?
My doctoral dissertation
is on neighborhoods
in transition
due to the economic displacement
caused by the pandemic.
[Veronica] Well, you've come
to the right place.
Lots of economic displacement
and transition
going on around here.
[Frank]
Gentrification, my friends.
The ten percenters
gobbling up what's left
of the working man's dreams
when he's down and out.
Felled by a tiny,
lifeless microbe.
We're the last of the Mohicans.
Chicago aboriginals
struggling to preserve
a vanishing culture.
[Alan] Actually, there were
aboriginal cultures
here before us.
The Miami
and the Kickapoo tribes.
Also Gallaghers.
Kev, could we?
Oh, shit, I... pay the man.
- Do you take Venmo?
- Hell no.
[exhales] Holy shit.
[thud]
- Gorilla?
- Yep.
Ohio. [laughter]
[banging]
Hey, Mrs. Lionetti,
I'm almost done.
Leave. Now.
Huh? I'm almost finished.
- Seven?
- Seven what?
She was seven years old?
Who was seven years old?
If my Tony were still alive,
he'd take you down to the lake,
shoot you,
and push you in for the fish.
What are you talking about?
I got a notification.
I checked the website.
- What website?
- The sex offender website.
And your picture is on it.
This is you, right?
Upbeat music
I was off and runnin'
I never saw it comin'
But sometimes
all the moves that you make
Start to shake
all the meaning from before
I was up and comin'
I never stop for nothin'
But then she ripped
my heart from my chest
Hey, Hassan, coffee still fresh?
Four hours old.
That's good enough.
Oh, oh, oh
Gimme one sec.
Oh, oh, oh
Hella sweet
- That still a buck?
- Yep.
Here you go.
Thank you.
$5.49? Jesus.
Hella sweet
Oh, oh, oh
Hella sweet
He spent all our wedding money
on God knows what.
Isn't marriage supposed to
be about communication?
Compromise? Agreed upon
mutual fuckin' goals?
How's that supposed to happen
when one person in the marriage
just goes off and does
whatever the hell he wants
without telling the other
person what he's doing?
Sounds just like me
and my first husband, Juan.
No communication.
[Ian] He sits around
the house all day
like we're not in the worst
economy since the Depression.
Says we're still
on our honeymoon.
How long you been married?
Six months.
What's he expect us to live on?
The bills are piling up.
[coworker] Marriage is hard.
You should've worked that shit
out before you tied the knot.
Once you're married,
it's already too late.
Upbeat music
Let me show you somethin'
It's on the scene
A new wave, 360 degrees
Above the power
The power of me
Me as in he, and she, and we
Yeah, you got the news
There's something in the air
There's something in the air
[door opens]
Thanks, Teri.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Look at you.
You fixed the jogger.
Yeah.
Hello, baby of mine. Hi.
Wow. You're sweating.
- I did five miles.
- [chuckles]
[gasps] Thank God.
You're my savior.
And, uh, two packets
raw sugar, right?
- Yes. Thanks.
- Here you go.
Did you go by
the paint store yet?
I'm heading there next.
Oh. Where's my foam?
Oh, uh, you know,
it must've gotten
all mixed in, you know,
when I was running.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Delicious.
Thank you.
Both: Muah.
Oh. [inhales sharply]
[laughs]
Seven! It says Julia
was seven years old, not 17.
[laughs]
It's not fuckin' funny.
Everybody's gonna think
I'm a child molester.
Well, you sort of are.
It's got my address, my social
security number, my email.
God damn it.
I'm lucky if
the neighborhood moms
don't show up out front tonight
with torches
to hang me from the playground
swing set.
Okay, it's probably
not that big of a deal.
Look at all these other guys.
- What?
- All these little dots
on the map are sex offenders
in the area.
[Debbie] Jesus.
There must be 100 of them.
What the fuck
is wrong with people?
Hey, that's Mr. Mosier
down the block.
I knew it. He was always
way too into Halloween.
[Sandy] Nice picture, though.
[scoffs]
You're sexy.
I mean, look at that cleavage.
- Yeah, I do look pretty hot.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit.
Who the hell is
gonna hire me now?
I told Lieutenant Rucker
I was undercover,
but he said I wasn't undercover.
But I was.
Which is why I'm here today.
What were you asked to do in
that house, Mr. Gallagher?
[clears throat]
Empty my bowels, ma'am.
So, defecate?
[sighs] I did not defecate.
I took a shit.
[clears throat]
Can you point to the man
who told you to take that shit?
That's him, ma'am.
Please let the record show
Mr. Gallagher identified
the defendant, Otis Grange.
Mr. Winston.
So, Mr. Gallagher,
you're a police cadet,
are you not?
Yes, sir.
And you're 19 years old?
Almost 20, sir.
And how exactly
did you get a spot
at the Chicago Police Academy
at such a tender age?
Tender? [scoffs]
I'm not tender, sir.
I work out.
- I can bench 240.
- [Winston] Good for you.
Did anyone promise you a spot
at the police academy
in exchange for your testimony
against my client today?
Sir, if you were to work
garbage duty
in Chicago for six months,
you'd deserve a spot, too.
Is that a no?
Garbage in Chicago is dirty,
sir.
Very dirty.
So no quid pro quo.
Squid pro what?
Were you told that you could
enter the police academy
two years early
in exchange for your testimony?
And let me remind you
that you have taken an oath
in this court to tell the truth,
and only the truth,
so help you God.
No, sir.
I got into the academy
because they know
I'm gonna be
a great police officer.
You understand, Mr. Gallagher,
that lying under oath
is perjury,
punishable by up to five years
in state prison.
Are you calling me a liar, sir?
Why? Because I grew up poor
on the South Side?
Because my father is a drunk
and my mother was a junkie?
Because I'm not as smart as you
and you can humiliate me
using big words I don't know.
I got into the academy
because they know
when we roll up on a gun fight,
I'll be the one running
towards the shooting,
not away from it.
They know when
a 911 call comes in
and it's some bastard scumbag
pistol-whipping
a little girl, trying to steal
her pink bicycle,
that I'll be there, ready to
take a bullet in the face.
Upbeat music
O... kay.
There you go. Hey, man.
- [Lip] Yo, Flavio.
- Hey.
I didn't know you worked here.
I thought you were
still at Rowdy's Chicken.
Yeah, yeah,
Rowdy's closed for good, man.
I survived the first shutdown,
but not the second one.
So my uncle got me a job here.
He's afraid of my mom.
We all are. She drinking again?
Yeah. Waving that gun around.
- [Lip] Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
That your kid?
Uh, yeah, that's Fred.
Oh, he's sleeping.
Hey, look, you got, uh,
this Seafoam Morning Mist?
Uh, sure, yeah.
The Monticello Collection.
Supposed to be the colors
Thomas Jefferson created
for Monticello.
No kidding. Jefferson, huh?
Yeah, it's probably bullshit,
but the PBR crowd eats it up.
- It's pricey, though.
- Yeah? How pricey?
Uh, how many you need?
I don't know, four gallons.
Set you back a little over
a hundie with tax.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Um...
Hey, what about these?
[Flavio] Paint the yoga mat
ladies buy and then return
'cause they say it didn't
match the sample book.
- Got any blues?
- Mm, probably.
Mm, hmm...
[Lip] Hey.
Oh, wait, what about this one?
Ah, no, they're not the same.
Ah, it's close enough.
You got another one
of these blues?
Uh...
Yeah, yeah.
[Lip] All right, great.
Now we just need two more.
That's not bad.
Hey, what do you think
about those?
And blend together in the mixer,
[hits can] pour the mixed paint
back into the cans.
You write Seafoam Morning Mist
on those cans,
there's an extra tenner in it
for you, all right?
- Deal.
- Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, we're all set, okay, bud?
We're almost outta here,
all right?
You check to make sure
he's still breathing?
I think he wet his pants.
Where the hell'd you get that?
[Frank] On the floor.
Joe College didn't finish it.
Pretty good shit.
I'd give it four puffs.
- [woman] How's the Blue Dream?
- Mm.
"You'll float on
a downy bank of clouds
on a bright summer's day."
The Pink Peppermint?
"Hints of an herb garden,
Alice in Wonderland,
and the Mad Hatter."
[woman] What flavor
are the gummies, lime?
- [Kevin] Mm-hmm.
- Jesus, where the fuck are we?
Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory?
What about the Purple Haze?
Is it really strong?
Uh, I'm not too sure
about that one.
We just got that one in.
But our daughter Gemma...
She's five...
- She rolled those herself.
- Oh.
Maybe I could be of some help.
Why don't you order one of each,
and I can sample them for you
and then rate them on my world-
renowned Gallagher Puff Scale?
Puff Scale?
One puff being a glass of rosé
on a warm, summery day.
Five puffs being you wake up
naked in an alley
with something
stuck in your ass,
no idea where the fuck you are.
[laughs]
Leave the customers alone,
Frank.
Two Pink Peppermints
and ten gummies, please.
[Tommy]
Christ. Do we really need
another legal
intoxicating substance?
- That shit's a gateway drug.
- [Frank laughs] Weed?
We're 20 years into
the next century, Nancy Reagan.
It's really a question
of personal freedom.
Why is it any
of your damn business
if I choose to smoke a fat one
after dinner?
Or shoot up in the privacy
of my local Denny's bathroom?
It's my life.
My body, my choice.
[Veronica] Your problem,
Tommy, is you think
knocking back boilermakers
while your ass
is stuck on that stool
is something
that all red-blooded
white American males
are supposed to do,
while smoking weed
is a Black folk thing.
The only reason
why marijuana's been illegal
for the last hundred years
is because
poor Black people
in the ghetto were smoking it.
Marijuana prosecution
was criminalized racism.
Now that white people decided
they like smoking it,
it has to be made legal.
Can't make lily white kids
go to prison
for having a couple of blunts.
That's it.
That's how we stop it.
We've been getting gentrified
because it's gotten
too safe down here.
The murder rate
was at an all-time low
before the 'VID, right?
Rich people weren't afraid
to move down here.
But now that we've had
a few good riots,
burned a few bougie stores,
I'll bet you the gentrifiers
are gettin' nervous.
All we gotta do is make
the Yards dangerous again.
Make sure the murder rate
is rising.
Spill some blood.
What? We have to shoot people?
No, no, not just any people.
The right people.
Shoot a couple of Millennials,
like Alan here.
Oh, ho, the gentrifiers
would be on the first Uber
back to Bucktown.
[scattered laughs]
It's a little extreme,
don't you think?
Well, you don't
have to kill him.
Just wound them.
Get on the news.
Make the South Side
dangerous again.
That's the Chicago I loved.
A lot of bleeding.
Well, I should
probably get going.
Oh, hey!
It was so great meeting you.
- [Veronica] Take care!
- Not that door. Back door.
Don't be a stranger.
[Dash laughs]
He sure acts like he's having
a pretty great time.
Hey, you know, we should try it.
No thanks. I'm not a loser.
It's great for
the immune system.
Also the libido.
I've had epic sex on weed.
If you don't wanna smoke it,
why not try a brownie?
[Veronica] They're all-natural
and delicious, too.
Who doesn't love a brownie?
Okay, one brownie.
- Tommy?
- Nope.
Mmm, these are delicious.
Come on. What are you, chicken?
Chicken?
A-are we in second grade?
[all clucking]
[sighs] Fine. Oh, God.
Fine, gimme the damn brownie.
[all cheering]
funky music
Not bad.
Oh! Hey, if you're
giving free samples, can I...
Oh, I'm bang, bang,
bangin' on the door
Bang, bang, bangin' on the door
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Going down, sir?
He's going down.
Congratulations, Gallagher.
You're gonna get to be
one of the best of the best,
a goddamn
Chicago police officer.
- Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
- Thank you, sir.
[tool clanking]
[door opens]
- Hey.
- Hey. Shh.
- Naptime?
- Yeah.
[Lip] Now he sleeps.
He'll be up all night later.
He's teething.
Have you tried Frank's whiskey
trick with the tub?
I'm pretty sure that's
considered bad parenting now.
I'm pretty sure that was
considered bad parenting then.
What's up?
Oh, the whole [sighs] marriage
thing is harder than it looks.
Do you and Tami
share your money?
We're not married.
You say so.
So how do you handle your cash?
Do you put it all together,
or just some of it, or what?
Here, hold this wrench,
will you?
Yeah.
The money? Uh...
Uh, I guess Tami
kinda runs things.
So you just give her
all your money and that's it?
We don't really have
enough money to worry about it.
But, uh, truth is,
I don't really care much
about money.
And she cares a lot.
Me and you, we never had
much of anything growing up,
and we always managed
to get by, right?
- Barely.
- Lemme see.
Tami, she always had enough.
Ever since this pandemic,
she's worried we won't.
It's weird how people with money
are always afraid of losing it
and all poor people can
think about is spending it.
[grunts]
But do you decide what you're
gonna spend money on together?
Well, there's really not much
to decide.
We're, uh, pretty much broke
at the end of the month.
Why?
You and Mick having
some money troubles?
Yeah, I make it, and he doesn't.
[Lip] What, you didn't wanna
talk about any of that stuff
before you got married?
I figured we just agreed
on how things were gonna work.
Guess not, huh?
Yeah. It's my mistake, I guess.
Well, gotta talk about it.
Right? You compromise,
all that couple shit.
Look, you, uh, love each other,
Right?
- Yes.
- Okay, so,
gotta get on the same page
about how this marriage thing
is supposed to work.
You sure I can't
just get him to do
everything the way I want?
Pretty sure, yeah.
Look, we didn't have parents
who could show us
what a relationship
was supposed to look like.
We gotta figure out that shit
as we go.
The hell was that... Dr. Phil?
Good Housekeeping.
It's on the rack
at the well-child checkup.
Can you at least
take the mugshot
with my cleavage off the site
and get Julia's age right?
Yes, she was 17, not seven.
Well, then check
the damn court records!
I'm on probation... would I be on
probation if she'd been seven?
Really?
You can get probation if you
diddled a seven-year-old?
That's really fucked up.
Yes, please. Thank you so much.
Okay, she said she's gonna
correct Julia's age,
but they won't do anything
about the mugshot.
Well, I'm getting a lot of hits.
On what?
Your new Instagram account.
What new account?
@DebbieHotLesbianConvict.
I put it up
with your cleavage mugshot.
"Wrongly convicted lesbian
welder."
Would it have happened
if she wasn't queer?
Would anyone have cared
if she wasn't a lesbian?
- [chuckles]
- It's blowing up.
Everybody wants to hire you.
Jesus, really?
Well, lots of lesbians, anyway.
And some seriously creepy
old white dudes.
[Debbie] Hm.
HotLesbianConvict.
You two okay?
[soft rock in background]
Did you eat all the brownies?
I had three, and Tommy had four.
- Four?
- We were hungry.
Kev! These fools
ate all the brownies.
And the gummies.
[Kevin] Jesus! [keg thuds]
Are they okay?
I'm fine.
I just gotta hit the head.
Yeah, yeah me too.
Do you have a gas can
around here, Kev?
What are you going on about?
Making the South Side
even more dangerous.
I'm thinking we set
a cop car on fire.
The cops have to show up
with riot gear, tear gas.
[Phil Collins'
"In the Air Tonight" plays]
[groans]
[zipping]
[flushes toilet]
I always loved this song.
Yeah. Me too.
But the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you and me
I can feel it
Coming in the air tonight
Oh, Lord
Well, I've been waiting
for this moment
For all my life
Oh, Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight
- Oh, Lord
- [stall door squeaks]
Oh, Lord
Well, I've been waiting
for this moment
For all my life
Oh, Lord
- I can feel it coming
- [belt buckle rattles]
In the air tonight
[zipping]
Oh, Lord
[door opens]
And I've been waiting
for this moment
For all my life
We need to be honest
with each other, all right?
No more secrets.
- No more secrets at all?
- No.
Nothing but truth.
We should've talked about what
we expected from each other
before we got married,
but we didn't,
- so now we have to.
- Look, if this is about
the wedding money,
I'm gonna pay it back, man.
Yes, but it's also about...
It's about what we want
the marriage to be.
We need some rules.
Yeah, I'm not great with rules.
A mutual understanding
of how shit is gonna work.
What does that mean?
Like, how we spend money
together,
joint purchases, monogamy.
The hell is that?
Not fucking other people.
Oh.
We just talking fucking,
or are we talking
about blow jobs, too?
I think blow jobs should count,
yeah.
Right.
You really never wanna
fuck anybody else?
I mean, I... if I'm being honest,
I'm not really sure either.
It's just kinda hard to imagine
that I'm never, ever gonna wanna
fuck anyone else, you know?
But I also know I...
definitely don't want you
to fuck anyone else.
Well, hold on, that just means
you wanna be able
to fuck other people
but you don't want me to be
able to fuck other people.
That doesn't sound fair.
Okay, so we're both monogamous
or we both get to fuck
other people.
- Yeah. That sounds fair.
- Mm-hmm.
Upbeat music
What do you wanna do?
What do you wanna do?
I asked you first.
I don't know.
Okay, uh, I'll tell you what.
We'll both each write down
what we want,
then we'll turn our answers
over at the same time.
Great.
I saw you walkin'
down the street
With your headphones on
I could hear your beat
Like, ba da, ba da ba da
Ba da, ba da ba da
Ba da, ba da ba da
Oh, yeah
- Ba da, ba da ba da
- I'm gonna eat you
Ba da, ba da ba da
I'm gonna eat you
- Ba da, ba da ba da - Oh, yeah
So we both turn 'em over
on three.
One, two, three.
Hey
Hey, turn your
fuckin' paper over.
I think I spelled
monogamy wrong.
- I spelled monogamy wrong!
- Will you let me...
I spelled it wrong!
Oh, shit, he-ey-ey-ey!
[chuckling]
Look who's a real cop now.
Yep. Badge, gun, and everything.
- You graduated?
- Tomorrow.
But they gave us
the uniforms today
so we can wear 'em
to the ceremony.
[Mickey] Fuckin' fantastic.
No more parking tickets for me.
You don't have a car, dumbass.
- [Ian] Hey.
- [Debbie] Hey.
- [Carl] Where y'all goin'?
- Lip and Tami's.
Gotta finish drywalling
the living room.
Hey, y'all get enough chicken?
Two buckets of extra crispy.
You two coming or what?
- Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
- [Ian] Uh...
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Upbeat music
Hey!
[chatter]
[door opens]
[Kevin] How am I supposed
to open the door
- when I don't have any hands?
- [Lip] Yo!
- [Kevin] What's up, Lip?
- [Lip] My man.
- Hi! We have arrived!
- [Lip] Hi! What the fuck?
- [Sandy] Hi.
- Yo! Hey.
- [Debbie] We made it.
- Hi.
[overlapping chatter]
Look at you.
- Check it out.
- Wow. Nice.
[Ian] Hey, gimme a hammer.
I wanna break some shit.
- [Lip] You wanna help?
- I guess so.
There you go.
- Yo.
- Yo.
Hey, you guys talk?
Uh... sort of.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. We'll figure it out.
[upbeat rock playing over radio]
Hey.
[laughs] Uh, hey.
- [Lip] Everything good?
- Yeah, yeah.
All right. Hey, I wanna
show you something.
Yeah?
What do you think?
Uh, it's beautiful.
Definitely worth
the extra money.
Absolutely.
Okay, I am starving.
[chatter]
[Veronica] Hey, Tami.
Hey.
Hey, Fran, you wanna
help Uncle Carl?
Lose your doubts
Holding on, let it out
This is the beginning
[Frank] This is my Chicago,
the Chicago I love.
Lip's got a baby now.
Debbie's got a kid
and a rap sheet.
Carl's gonna be a cop.
Didn't see that coming.
Ian's married to a Milkovich.
[chuckles]
Really didn't see that coming.
Family looking after family.
That's the South Side way.
The Gallagher way.
It's a long walk back
from yesterday
Yeah, this is our Chicago.
It's disappearing fast.
But before it's gone,
we're gonna enjoy
every fuckin' minute of it.
We're comin' home
We're comin' home
[chuckles under breath]
[door opens]
Are you Hot Lesbian
Convict Lady?
Would you, um,
like to buy some cookies,
Hot Lesbian Convict Lady?
I'm only seven. [both laugh]
The bigger, the better,
the better, the bigger
The bigger, the better,
the better, the bigger
More, more, more
Hey, I really want it right now
Hey, turn it up real loud
Hey, I really want it right now