Shameless (2011–…): Season 10, Episode 8 - Debbie Might Be a Prostitute - full transcript
Debbie weighs the pros and cons of a new career. Frank uncovers the truth about Faye's living situation. A miscommunication between Ian and Mickey has disastrous consequences. Lip and Tami disagree over who should be taking care of Fred.
[man] Hey!
Hey.
For those of you who watched
last week
and don't have
drug-induced brain damage,
you can skip
the next 30 seconds.
You don't have
to watch that shit.
- [man shouts]
- The rest of you losers...
here you go.
Sparky, Shelly.
Shelly, Sparky.
She's your boss.
Well, vice boss.
I made a little arrangement
with Larry.
- So you're mine now.
- [Mickey] You were right.
We got to kill her.
If you want Todd,
you're gonna have
to go through me.
His manager.
That's who.
[Claudia]
Do you want to go upstairs?
We could kick off these heels,
raid the minibar,
and check out the view.
I left you a little something
on the nightstand.
♪ rock music ♪
[Carl] Saw an old lady get shot
at the Ashcroft bus stop
last night.
You know,
the streetlights were out.
You did a good thing,
Citizen Carl.
Got involved.
Made a change.
Do you want to join me?
- Faye Donahue.
- Frank Gallagher.
Let's go to my place
and eat this Greek food.
You live in your car?
Indeed I do.
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming
once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing
once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪ pounding rock music ♪
♪♪♪
[Paula whistling idly]
[toilet flushes]
[coughs]
[gasps]
You?
What the fuck
are you doing here?
Hey, hey, what the fuck, man?
Hey!
[body thuds]
♪♪♪
[indistinct shouting]
[both sigh happily]
Good morning.
Where--where's Fred?
He passed out while nursing.
We've got six
to eight minutes tops.
Mm.
[moans softly]
Oh, and one of us has
to go to the store today
and get more diaper cream
'cause his rash
is now halfway up his back.
Oh, yeah.
Talk dirty to me.
[laughs]
♪♪♪
Wait.
Wait. You said it's worse
than yesterday.
What?
Fred's rash.
Uh, no, it's fine.
Hey. No.
His ass is fine.
And your ass is fine.
[giggles]
♪♪♪
Yeah. It's just--sorry.
It's just, the new daycare says
they can't take him
if he's sick.
It's diaper rash.
It's not the bubonic plague.
All babies have diaper rash.
- [Lip] Okay.
- [Tami giggles]
Mm.
♪♪♪
Mm, maybe we should get it
checked out, though.
- [groaning] Lip.
- You know? Yeah.
Lip, he's gonna be at daycare
for four hours total.
- [Lip sighs]
- Get a grip.
Look, we don't have a choice.
You want to--
Look at my chart.
[Lip] Yeah, but it's
his first day.
[Tami] You've got AA.
Then you're at work till four.
I'm at the salon at noon.
So there's a four-hour gap
in child care.
Yeah. So Brad'll let me
out of work early.
We need the cash.
[sighs] Well...
I mean, we need the cash
so we can afford daycare.
Doesn't that seem
a little ass-backwards?
No.
Ass-backwards
is the Gallagher method,
where the next-oldest kid
just keeps kind of a vague eye
on the rest of the herd.
Well, it's free.
Liam is ten.
He's not watching our baby.
Liam?
I was gonna say Franny.
- [laughing] Oh, Franny?
- Mm-hmm.
[Fred fusses, cries]
- [groaning] No.
- Fuck.
[Fred continues crying]
...get some fuckin' flapjacks.
Ian Gallagher?
Mikhailo Milkovich?
[fence rattling]
Yeah, I'm Ian Gallagher.
Can I help you, Officer?
Got some bad news for you.
Your PO was found dead
this morning.
Paula's dead?
Fell out of
a third-floor window.
Detectives want you both to
come down to the station today,
make statements.
Why?
We don't know anything
about that.
Whenever a PO dies, detectives
interview all the parolees,
especially
if the death was suspicious.
Suspicious?
Well, people usually
open a window
before they jump out it.
See you at the station.
Bring Milkovich.
[car door opens, closes]
Good.
Go. Get your backpacks.
- Get your book, Amy.
- [door opens, closes]
Let's go! Let's go, people!
Kev, get dressed!
We leave in three.
V, look at this.
- What is it?
- [Kev] IRS.
Oh, no!
Sweet baby Jesus.
No, no, no, no.
[Kev]
Our day just got shitty.
Did we not pay
our taxes on time?
Are you asking me?
How do I know?
You do the taxes.
No, I know--I know--
I know we did.
I-I paid the check,
and I did
the amend B-59X whatever.
I know I paid it.
What do you want me to do?
Flush it? Burn it?
No.
We got to face it head-on.
Hold Mommy's hand, girls.
- [paper rustles]
- [Kev sighs]
No way.
A check for $825?
$825?
What?
Give me that.
[Kev gasps]
"Tax credit," blah, blah, blah.
From when I worked
at the nursing home?
I vote Jet Ski.
And I vote no!
Come on, girls.
We got to go to school.
- Kev, you coming?
- [breathlessly] Yeah.
- Kev!
- Shh.
- Come on, girls.
- Let me have this.
- [door closes]
- [exhales deeply]
♪♪♪
Mickey?
Mickey! Hey, come on out.
Cops are gone.
The fuck they want?
Paula's dead.
[chuckling] No shit.
Is it Christmas?
It's not funny.
Someone threw her out a window.
You kidding me?
That's extremely funny.
There's, like,
a fucking verb for that
I-I'm serious, Mickey.
They want us to go into
the station for questioning.
You know anything about this?
Nah. Fuck, no.
I didn't kill her.
Wait. Do you know
something about this?
No.
- That what you're telling me?
- [Ian] Of course not.
Got it.
Good strategy.
Wait, what stra--
I-I didn't kill her.
- Little bit, you did, though.
- No. Not little bit.
I did zero murdering
of my PO last night, Mickey.
- Okay.
- I'm not the one
who came home late without
any sort of explanation.
I did explain.
I was with my dad.
No. You didn't explain
why you were with your dad.
Exactly.
Okay, so, to be clear,
you didn't kill her,
or, you know,
you "didn't" kill her"?
Why are you putting shit in
weird fucking air quotes?
Because I didn't
fucking kill her.
Okay. Me neither.
We both know
what we know we know...
that we know.
What the fuck does that mean?
- Hey. Where you going?
- [Mickey scoffs]
Wouldn't you like to know?
I-I-I would.
I would like to know!
All right.
Pick your poison.
- Cereal or toast.
- [Liam] Pass.
Todd's biggest game
of the season is today.
Got to stay sharp, stay hungry.
Shouldn't you be doing
fun kid stuff this summer?
Like Slip 'N Slide in the yard?
Talent management is fun, Tami,
if it's the kill that you love.
- [cell phone rings]
- Excuse me.
It's the coast.
Go for Todd.
Good. You're still here.
- [Lip] Hey.
- I need to talk to you.
Uh, okay.
I met this awesome woman last
night at a hotel bar, right?
- [Lip] Okay. Yeah.
- Claudia.
She's older than me,
but not in a rape-y way.
She's got this beautiful smile
and these bright eyes
and these sexy
little Lisa Loeb glasses.
Debs. Hey.
So, anyways, we spent the night
together last night.
- [Lip] Yeah.
- And then she gave me this.
I'm really confused.
Why would she give me
1,000 bucks?
[chuckling] Um...
[clicks tongue] I'm not.
She, uh--
[inhales deeply] She thinks
you're a prostitute.
- What?
- Yeah.
But it was voluntary
hooking up.
I liked the sex.
I think she did, too.
Yeah.
I like fixing bikes.
But it's my job because
someone gives me cash to do it.
- But we really hit it off.
- [Fred crying]
It wasn't like a gross
sex worker situation at all.
Who's a sex worker?
- Debbie.
- [Debbie] No.
This is a misunderstanding
that will be cleared up
immediately.
Okay.
- Tami.
- Yeah?
Could you wake up Franny
in 20 minutes
and watch her till I get back?
I can for a little while,
but then I got to take Fred to
daycare, get to work by noon.
- Cool. I owe you.
- [Lip] Wait, wait, wait, Debs.
How much do you owe her?
Because you have to be clear
about terms up front.
- Shut up, dick.
- You know?
- [Tami laughs]
- [door opens]
[Ian]
Oh, thank fuck you're here.
- [Lip] Hey.
- I need to talk you.
- You're popular this morning.
- Yeah.
Hey, Tami, uh, it's kind of
a brothers-only situation.
Thanks.
What's up?
I think Mickey killed
our parole officer.
- You what?
- Yeah.
She got thrown
out a window last night,
and he hates her,
and he was out late.
Plus, he's
a psychopath, so...
Yeah, but you-you really think
Mickey would kill
a parole officer?
We just had
this whole conversation
where he said
he basically did it,
you know, in his Mickey way
of not saying he did it
but totally saying
he did it.
- You know?
- No.
Well, I don't know what
the fuck to do.
I mean, I'm supposed to make
a statement to the police,
and--I mean, do I lie and say
he was here all night?
- Or--
- Yes.
You're a Gallagher, right?
Always lie.
Why are you squirming so much?
- Something wrong with you?
- I'm not squirming.
[Kev]
The point is, V,
when you have the money,
you got to spend it.
- Five-dollar scratchers.
- No, Kev.
But we have $800.
We could buy a million
five-dollar scratchers.
What about Disneyland,
a once-in-a-lifetime experience
for our children?
Fuck that mouse.
I'll take another
Sea Breeze, please.
Or we go to the Indian casino,
and we double down on craps.
Let it ride.
What do real people do
with money?
That's what I want to do.
- [Tommy] Invest it.
- In what?
You know who
you should talk to?
My buddy Gerald's daughter.
She is a money genius.
She--she invested
in this Korean company,
selling their products
from home.
Now she's got a Mercedes.
[Kev]
I want a Mercedes.
We could sell Korean stuff, V.
We could sell
the shit out of Korean stuff.
We don't have a ton to invest.
Well, neither did she.
She was a waitress.
Want me to get
her number for you?
- [door opens]
- Good morrow, friends.
Chums. Old pals.
I'm gonna use the ladies' room.
- [door closes]
- Hurry back, bunny.
Mm, hop, hop, hop.
[both chuckle]
[Frank] Is it
a beautiful morning or what?
- [Tommy] Stop gloating, Frank.
- [Kermit] Oh, shut up.
You and the lady friend
are getting tight, huh, Frank?
Wait. I don't care.
[man laughs]
We are getting tight, V.
Thank you for asking.
Only thing that's
a little bit odd is,
she appears
to live in a Rolls-Royce.
A Rolls?
You see, I don't want her
to feel uncomfortable
that she's homeless.
We've all been there.
- [Veronica] Never.
- We've never been there.
I'm probably homeless
right now.
Got to check with
the kids about that.
Are you sure she's homeless,
Frank?
The Rolls-Royce
doesn't make sense.
Yeah,
have you actually asked her,
"Do you have a house, Faye?"
Got to play the long game
with a woman like this.
Let her dole out
the info at her own pace.
Peel back the onion
and reveal her ripe fruit to me
when she's ready.
[door opens]
Hey, Faye, do you have a house?
Yes. Why?
[clanging]
Staff meeting.
[clangs]
Now in session.
[clangs]
All right.
We got a special today.
Shrimp tater tots.
Part tater, part shrimp.
I'ma throw up.
Looks like you fried
a turd, Lori.
[Lori] Serving these beauties
up with a slice of lemon
and a dollop of tartar jizz.
Seven-fifty
with a combo drink and fries.
Jesus.
You getting all this, Carl?
Hello?
- Yeah. I got it.
- What's wrong with you?
[Stump] He's questioning
his life choices.
Going through his "wants to do
good for the world" phase.
It'll pass.
Why would you want to do good?
I don't know.
Guess it felt good saving lives
and fixing streetlights.
Felt like I had a purpose
on this earth, you know?
- Join the military.
- I can't.
I'm banned.
So gain 50 pounds
and be a cop, then.
I'm too young to apply.
Guess this is my fate--
serving shrimp taters.
Let me tell you
something, Carl.
You think I always wanted
to do this with my life?
Serving up fried turd balls
with a bunch of ex-cons?
I'm a vet, Lori.
Two tours!
This wasn't my dream.
I wanted to be a teacher.
But cocaine tasted so good,
I just did that instead.
The point is,
you got to have dreams.
Go be a cop.
Can't apply till I'm 21.
Uh, you ever heard of
faking a birth certificate
using a dead guy's name?
[scoffs]
♪ funky music ♪
♪♪♪
Some big people here today.
Am I right?
- Yep.
- Whose your boy?
Sixteen.
You got Todd Bryerson?
Nice.
I'm with 22.
Cordel Jackson.
Yeah, we're positioning him to
take a third endorsement today.
Timbo Keller,
RCE Sports Management.
- And you are?
- You're not poaching my boy.
[chuckles] Whoa, little man.
I was just gonna say--
Walk away.
- Wow. You're paranoid.
- I've seen you eye him.
Walk away.
[net swishes, buzzer sounds]
[crowd cheers]
Listen, buddy.
Got a strategy.
Check it.
The new Apollos?
Not out yet.
They're gonna be huge.
New lace technology.
Self-tightens.
Apollos?
That's all you can get me?
Cordel's got Air Jordans,
and RCE signed him.
[Liam]
Trust me.
Get photographed in these.
Boom, leverage.
What's leverage?
Don't worry about it.
Trust me.
♪ quirky rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Hey, Officer Berto.
Can we talk for a second?
I haven't seen your dad.
Buzz off.
Wait, wait.
It's not about my dad.
- It's about lawyers.
- [groans] Worse.
- I'm on my break.
- Great.
[indistinct chatter
over police radio]
[door opens, Ian grunts]
When you got arrested
for beating the shit
out of that Cardinals fan,
who was the lawyer
that got you off?
Danny Alvarez.
Best lawyer around.
Five hundred an hour.
Worth every penny.
Yeah, I thought I was fucked
when Tina wouldn't marry me,
but Danny saved my ass.
Got me off scot-free.
Wouldn't marry you?
What's that got to do
with anything?
Oh, 'cause married people
can't testify
against each other
in a court of law.
It's called spousal privilege.
That's why I tried
to get Tina to marry me,
but the bitch said, no,
she wouldn't cover for me.
So I had to hire Danny.
Married people can't testify
against each other? Ever?
Nope.
Any knowledge you have
of each other's shit
is strictly confidential.
It's what we
in the biz call a loophole.
[indistinct chatter
over police radio]
What's his blood type?
[Fred coos]
What? They need
to know his blood type
so he can do tummy time?
Mm.
I'm just gonna put "red."
Who's his emergency contact?
That's easy.
Me.
Who are they supposed to call
if we're both unreachable
and Fred's having a seizure?
Seizure? Jesus.
What are they gonna do
to him in this place?
Cami.
No. Your sister? No.
No, no, no.
Uh...Ian.
Ian the felon?
Uh, uh, Debbie, then.
The prostitute.
[chuckling] Okay. Um...
look, why don't we just
leave it blank, huh?
You can't leave it blank.
So Cami.
[sighs]
She and Brad are gonna be
Fred's legal guardians anyway.
What? Since when?
Why wouldn't they be?
Uh, because
Brad fell off the wagon so hard
that we had to pick him up
out of a ditch last year,
and you hate your sister?
- I don't hate my sister.
- Yes, you do.
And we all do.
Fine.
Um, my Aunt Oopie, then.
Aunt Oop--no.
Fuck, no. What?
Okay.
Who did you have in mind
to be Fred's legal guardian?
I don't know.
Can we just do this later?
A Gallagher, though, right?
Honestly, I hadn't even
thought about it.
[smooches]
Bye, buddy!
[smooches loudly]
Hey. We will be
talking about this later.
Yes.
- [door opens]
- Bye!
[door closes]
Debbie?
Hey. Uh...
I was just wondering why
you gave me this last night.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was it not enough?
Here, come in.
Come in.
Just, um--
my wallet's right over there.
Just take
whatever your rate is.
- I wasn't sure.
- [door closes]
[scoffs]
Claudia, I don't have a rate.
I'm not a prostitute.
You're not?
Why were you sitting
with all the prostitutes, then?
You know, they call that
Ho Corner.
I did not know that.
[chuckles]
I just met you,
and I thought I liked you.
So I was a freebie?
No, you weren't a freebie,
because you're not a john
and I'm not a prostitute.
I just thought we hit it off.
Oh!
Well, I thought
we had a connection, too.
So this is a misunderstanding?
Big mistake. Huge.
Great.
Um, I have to get to work,
but can I take you out
on a proper date later?
Sure.
How long are you in town?
I live here.
Up in Lake Forest.
I just get a hotel room
when I have a late meeting
in the city
or I'm too fucked up on,
you know, and looking for a...
[inhales deeply]
[clicks tongue]
So, uh, dinner?
How about
seven o'clock tonight?
- Sure. Sounds good.
- [Claudia] Okay.
And here,
I'm gonna return this.
Oh, no, no, no.
Keep it, as a gift.
It's the least I can do
for insulting you.
[chuckles]
Oh!
And if you're free today,
why don't you just
enjoy the room?
I mean, I have to go to work,
but I can arrange
for a late checkout.
I mean, just order up
some room service
or a spa treatment.
Well, thanks.
♪ rock music ♪
[door closes]
I don't understand.
If you have a house,
why didn't we sleep in it?
It's embarrassing.
You'll think I'm crazy.
There is zero percent chance
that I'll think you're crazy.
What's embarrassing?
You got bedbugs?
You know what?
Let's change the subject.
Come on.
Tell Frank.
You got a husband back home?
Much worse than that.
Children?
It's haunted, Frank.
I'm terrified
to be there alone.
[whispering]
That's why I sleep in my car.
"Haunted"?
Every floor,
every room,
including the ballroom
and servants' quarters.
How big is this house?
Twenty-two thousand nine
hundred eleven square feet.
On the lake.
Nine bedrooms,
including the master.
But that's mostly just storage
for my father's
single-malt scotch collection.
Your father collects scotch?
Did. Yes.
He's dead now.
He has hundreds of bottles
of the stuff in that room.
I mean...
[scoffs]
Not that I'm brave enough
to go in there.
You know, Faye,
I believe in ghosts.
I see them.
I hear them.
And I can exorcise them.
We're simpatico.
I could help you get rid of 'em
for good.
Really?
Who else you gonna call?
[both laugh]
♪ We rock and roll,
and we rock ♪
♪ Hip-hop,
you know it don't stop ♪
♪ Let's do work
and don't punch the clock ♪
♪ And, uh, ticktock
a mill off the top, ma ♪
♪ Catch my vibe,
catch my vibe ♪
♪ Catch my vibe,
catch my vibe ♪
♪ Gimme my room
while I catch my vibe ♪
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's all stand
for the national anthem.
[drumroll playing on speakers]
["The Star-Spangled Banner"
plays on speakers]
♪♪♪
♪ mischievous music ♪
"Southside Kid Finally
Takes a Stand."
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Boom.
♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Hey ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
Man, let me ask you something.
Who's your kid's guardian?
You, I think.
[laughs] No.
I'm just kidding.
It's, uh, some Bible-thumping
aunt on Cami's side.
Oh, and you're okay with that?
I mean, it not being someone
in your own family?
You've clearly never met
my family.
Guardian stuff's up
to the mother anyway.
Everything is.
Sooner you accept that,
the better your life will be.
Remote control, up to her.
Temperature of every room,
up to her.
Your balls, up to her.
[phone quacking]
Oh.
Yo. What's up?
Hey. The new daycare
wouldn't take Fred.
[Lip] What?
The daycare wouldn't take Fred
because of his rash.
Oh. Is that right?
[Tami] Well, not his rash,
but because of his stupid rash,
they took his temperature,
and it's point-two degrees
higher than it should be,
so they sent him home.
[Lip] Okay.
Where are you now?
Uh, I'm almost home.
Aunt Oopie is meeting me there,
and then, hopefully,
I will still make it
to work on time.
Oh, your-your-your aunt
I've never met?
[Tami]
She's available.
You know, you can meet her
when you get home.
Oh, and can you pick up
some baby aspirin?
Mwah.
Ah, f...uck me.
[Faye shudders]
We're getting close.
Oh, Frank.
[exhales sharply]
I'm in a cold sweat.
Let's talk about
these spirits for a second.
Uh, can you see them,
or are they more of a presence?
[Faye]
A presence.
Like a cold hand on my neck.
Okay. Right here.
[sighs]
[shudders] It's the worst
when I'm in bed.
They hover over me.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[shivers]
Fr...
[quietly]
I-I-I...
I can't do this.
Give me your hand.
It's like
our black president said,
"Yes, we can."
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
It's just a house.
A very expensive house,
but nothing we can't handle.
[clock chiming,
number pad beeping]
[door closes]
Let's start
with the scotch-collection room
and go from there.
Which way?
Up the stairs.
Uh, for whatever it's worth,
my spidey sense is really not
picking up any spirits.
[calling out]
Right?
No ghosts in here, right?
I can't.
I literally can't
go up the stairs, Frank.
Faye, take my hand.
I want you to really hear
what I'm about to tell you.
I've got you.
And you're safe with me.
Aw.
Is that you?
Yes.
At high-school graduation...
right before
everything changed forever...
when my life still had promise.
- You're late. Grab an AK.
- [gun cocks]
- What's up, Mickey?
- [George] Hey, the large file
works best on serial numbers.
Yo, I heard about
that bitch PO going down.
[George] Yeah, who's the lucky
parolee that gets that trophy?
I bet he's loving life
right now.
[Terry] Why you make me
ask you twice?
Sit. File.
[Mickey] I'm not really here
to work, Pops.
"Not here to work," he says.
You helped us move 'em
last night.
- Now you got cold feet?
- No. I just...
I need advice, actually.
- What the fuck?
- [Mickey] Yeah, I know.
Look, I'm pretty sure Ian
popped that PO.
Who's Ian?
Fuck you, man.
Don't start with that shit.
[laughing] Hey,
I'm just fucking with you.
No way in hell that little
gay carrot boy shot her.
No. She didn't get shot.
She got...pushed out a window.
Did he tell you he did it?
[stammers wordlessly, sighs]
In so many words, yeah.
Shit.
Were you wearing a wire?
Anyone else hear
the conversation?
No. Look, cops want us to
come in and answer questions.
Fuck! All right.
Go get packed.
George, call Benny.
Tell him to get the van.
We got to take some cargo
to Canada.
No. No. I'm not running.
I need to protect him.
What are my options here?
Oh, you want options?
He wants options.
[laughs]
- [laughter]
- [Terry] God damn it!
You're a Milkovich.
Cops gonna pin this
on you so fast,
you'll be back in the pen
before lights out
in cellblock C.
Nothing else you can do
but run.
[George] Oh,
unless you got married.
See, you can't testify
against each other in court
if you're mister and mister.
Milkovich men marry vaginas,
period.
He's gay, Terry.
I'm gay. People are gay.
Do you want a beer?
[Terry]
Shut your filthy mouth.
Hey, marriage isn't about
sexual orientation anyway.
We like pussy, right, Snook?
Fucking love pussy.
Can't get enough pussy.
We're both zero percent gay.
Yeah, we're
not even prison gay.
But technically,
we've been legally married
for what, George?
- Nine years?
- Yeah.
Thirteen federal court
hearings.
Never testified against
each other once.
[Mickey] H-hold on.
So you're saying that
if Ian and I get married,
then anything that happens
between us is a secret?
[Terry] You marry someone
with a cock,
I will bludgeon you dead
in your sleep.
Good talk, Dad.
Thanks.
Product conviction.
That is what it is about.
You have got to have
conviction in your product.
Equals sales, equals profit,
equals new Mercedes.
I don't sell Escargold.
Escargold sells itself.
I get to sit back and wax
my 'Cedes with an Hermes scarf.
Mm!
Kev knows
what I'm talking about.
- Kev knows!
- [giggles]
Can you talk some more
about the marketing tiers?
What exactly is that?
Multitier marketing.
It's like--
You know what it's like, Kev?
Sports.
I'm the captain of my team,
and I want you two
to play for me
because you're gonna
be great players.
MVPs. Top-draw producers.
Okay?
So I'm gonna take
a little percentage
of your sales off the top
because I recruited you.
- [Kev] Mm-hmm.
- But once you are up
and running and you have
quadrupled
your initial investment--
Which takes how long?
[Tessa] Six months
if you've got hustle.
You good with Insta?
Snap? Twitter?
So good.
So what's
your capital investment?
Because for 2,500,
we can get your inventory
set up, and we can play ball.
We have 825.
For 825,
we can get your inventory
set up, and we can play ball.
So why don't you two follow me
out to my 'Cedes?
And we are gonna load you up.
I still don't know
what the product is.
- What is Escargold?
- Yeah. What does it do?
♪ rock music ♪
Now, I know
what you're thinking:
"This is just some Korean
skincare fad."
And the answer is no.
Escargold eyepatches
minimize wrinkles
and de-puff eyes.
[Veronica]
Using a special ingredient--
snail mucus.
Snail? Like slugs?
No.
Snail like expensive.
- [Kev] Mm-hmm.
- Very rare.
[Kev] They're really popular
all over Europe
and parts of France, guys.
They really do work.
Ingredients are all-natural
and organic.
Yeah, 'cause they're snails.
Free samples coming around.
Once you try it,
you are sure to buy a case
for our special
introductory price
of $29.99.
V, what the hell are we
supposed to do again?
Make a face story
on graham cracker?
Why don't you let me handle
the social media?
♪♪♪
[camera shutter clicks]
♪ militaristic percussive
music ♪
[keys clacking]
Afternoon, sir.
Name's Carl Gallagher.
I'm here to join
the police academy,
dedicate my life
to law enforcement,
and here is my ID
that says I'm 21.
How old are you really, son?
- How old do you need me to be?
- The age you actually are.
I'm 21. Just look at my ID.
Well, this says your name
is Lewis McGillicutty, Carl.
Born 1947.
But this just shows how much
I want it.
- Out.
- [Carl] Oh, come on.
How many minors do you get in
here begging to join the force?
Begging to make shit money
and get called a pig?
This is my calling.
Punishing the oppressors
of the underclass
is what I'm all about.
I have three skills
to offer you, sir:
I like to choke things,
I'm good with weapons,
and I got a buttload
of rage in my heart.
Hey, Cody.
Come on out.
What?
Now, it's not exactly
the academy, Carl,
but it might be up your alley.
Uh, this is Carl--I think
he'd be a great candidate
for the kids thing that we do.
What are we calling it--
[Cody] what the hell
you talking about?
The youth thing we do for--
uh, mentorship
for the teenagers.
Oh, we're still doing
that bullshit?
It's called the Youth Committee
to Investigate Youthful Comm--
uh, something like that.
Yeah, that's it.
And it's for students
who are interested
in a career in law enforcement.
I'm interested.
What does it entail, sir?
Eh, not much, just a couple
hours after school every week.
Um...
there's usually a flash grenade
demonstration at some point.
Flash grenades?
What about real grenades?
Oh, he's gonna fit right in.
[news anchor]
In today's segment
- of "Snowflake Central"...
- [door closes]
...we focus on the latest
victim of the liberal agenda--
an elementary-school gun show.
Dallas resident Sandra Benson
was looking forward
to sharing...
[sweetly]
Hey.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
[news anchor] ...a fourth
grader who couldn't wait...
Uh, hello?
Oh, hello.
Aunt Oopie here.
- [Lip] Hey.
- Not gonna call you Lip.
Hope that's okay.
Gonna call you by your lovely
God-given name, Phillip.
Okay.
- After the prophet.
- Right.
Oopie Tamietti
at your service.
Is that O-O-O-pie?
No, it's Oopie. Like "loopy."
[chuckling] Okay.
Uh, well, thank you--
thanks for watching Fred
for us, you know?
Honestly, I'm just so happy
to be able to spend time
with that creamy little
Alfredo sauce!
- Yeah.
- He's the best baby on Earth.
He is.
He is.
Um, has he been resting long?
- I'd say about 40 minutes.
- Okay.
Uh, so I did
two loads of laundry,
- caught up on my Hannity...
- I saw that.
...roasted a chicken for
supper, and made sweet rolls.
Do you like sweet rolls,
Phillip?
Come on. Sit down.
You've had a long day at work,
I'm sure.
Have a seat.
So listen, I have to insist
that Fred not go back
to that filthy daycare center.
Oh.
Because why would he,
when Aunt Oopie is free?
Yeah, I just--Tami and I,
we should really, uh,
- maybe discuss--
- Here. Try this.
You're gonna love it, Phillip.
- [Lip mumbles]
- Am I right?
- Am I right or am I right?
- Mmm.
Yeah, you're--you're right.
That's delicious.
[door opens]
Here we are...
the master bedroom.
This is full of promise.
[gasps]
Jesus H Christ in Heaven,
my Lord,
thank You for this gift
- of daily stuff.
- [door closes]
He organized them
by year and distillery.
His lifelong passion.
This one...
- looks really old.
- [scotch pouring]
This is the scary room?
[scoffs]
There's nothing in here.
A bed and some air.
That's 'cause
you're not on the bed.
- That's where they torment.
- Uh...
Cheers, to us.
This bed?
Nothing here.
[laughs]
I'll take another one, doll.
That's 'cause you have to lie
on the bed.
- Ah.
- Close your eyes.
You'll see.
Mm.
Eh?
- Now lay very still.
- Okay.
- Don't move a muscle.
- [chuckles]
Eyes shut tight.
And listen.
- [handcuff clicks]
- [Frank chuckles]
- [Faye] You hear that?
- [Frank] Mm-hmm.
[chuckles] I think you may have
scared the spirits away.
♪ exciting music ♪
Do you like to play, Frank?
[Frank laughs]
Mm-hmm.
Then let's play.
♪♪♪
Open your eyes.
♪♪♪
What?
Boo!
♪♪♪
[crowd shouting]
Whoo!
[whistle blows]
♪ rousing hip-hop music ♪
♪♪♪
[shouting continues]
[crowd, chanting]
Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
- You're Todd's manager, right?
- Guilty.
His kneeling photo
is blowing up.
120,000 likes already.
And Jay-Z commented,
"We're past this."
Your guy is famous.
Well, it's easy to represent
someone who takes
such a strong stand.
♪♪♪
[buzzer sounds]
What are you doing
after the game?
Excuse me, ladies.
Business calls.
Dude, you're trending.
Time to decide
what you took a knee for.
- Huh?
- Lots of options.
Race, Trump, being poor,
bad food in schools,
kids with leukemia.
Got to pick.
I was just fixing my shoes.
You want sponsorships or not?
Thanks.
Thanks for meeting up with me.
No problem.
Let me just take my Plan B.
Totally screwed
the pooch last night.
A guy I boned was legit poor.
Like, works at goddamn Macy's
and is not even
associate manager.
His tie had a snipped-in-half
label on the back.
Fuck my life.
How about you?
How'd you make out?
Yeah. So that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I think I might be
a prostitute.
Yas, queen!
So I didn't go off with
that old rich guy last night.
I met someone else.
Her name is Claudia.
We went up to her room
and hooked up,
and now she's buying me dresses
and giving me cash
and gonna take me
to a nice dinner.
I'm really conflicted.
You hit the jackpot.
Or...
the mother lode.
Get it?
You don't think
it's a little slutty?
Having a sugar mama?
Fuck, no.
It is a true unicorn.
You got no dusty dicks.
No dangling balls.
You get actual orgasms
all night.
You ride her
all the way to a college fund
for Franny, girl.
♪ quirky music ♪
♪♪♪
[whimpering]
I look like a rabid raccoon.
[shouts] My eyes!
The pain comes in waves!
Your snail piss
burned our skin off!
[groans]
[man] Fuck!
This sucks!
We hear your concerns.
Obviously,
we have the same concerns
about our product as you do.
Aloe gel coming around.
Put it on the burned area
with our deep apologies.
You need to call
that bitch back again.
We got to return this shit
and get our money back.
I have called her 20 times.
She keeps sending us
to voice mail.
Give me the phone--I know
how to get her coward ass here.
[groans]
"Girl, we need more product.
Sold out inventory."
Smiley face emoji.
- [message app swooshes]
- [customers groan]
She's coming right over.
[groans]
Uh, you know, we usually just
kind of all grab something
and eat
clustered around the sink.
Well, that's a bunch of crazy.
You want to keep this great
country of ours great,
it starts at the home,
with prayers
to our Lord Jesus
- and three square meals a day.
- [door opens]
[door closes]
- [Tami] Hello!
- Hey!
- [Oopie squeals happily]
- Hi. Oopie!
Little Tami!
Oh, my goodness.
I love this baby so much.
And this man of yours--
a fixer-upper, for sure...
[whispering] ...but that house
has good bones.
Well, thank you so much
for coming
on such short notice,
Aunt Oopie.
Of course, honeybun.
Now, let's see.
Fred has probably got
another hour or so
before I wake him up
for supper.
- Okay.
- I can do bath time.
So why don't you two
go have a date?
Aunt Oopie's got everything
covered here.
- Date?
- A date?
Yeah. Or a nap
or just an adult conversation.
Go on, now.
I'm gonna teach Fred
and that little colored boy
about the Gettysburg Address
after supper.
I'm sorry.
Wha-what was that part?
- A date.
- She just--
- A date.
- No, I heard--
That's great.
Thanks, Aunt Oopie.
Go on, now.
Enjoy yourselves.
- No, see, the other part--
- It's good to go out
and participate in the economy
so we don't have to give
handouts
to those welfare cheats and...
- [Tami] Okay!
- ...illegal immigrants.
- Yeah. I just--
- All right. Bye.
Please. Come on.
- Have fun.
- [door closes]
♪ rock music ♪
[door opens]
♪♪♪
Hey.
- Hey.
- [groans]
Thanks for meeting me.
Yeah.
Sure thing, Formal.
[chuckles stiffly]
Let's order.
I'm fucking starving.
[clears throat]
You, uh,
get your new PO assignment?
I'm back
with Larry fucking Seaver--
I think we should get married.
What?
We should get married.
Then we can't testify
against each other...
in a court of law.
You know,
in case one of us, uh...
had something on the other.
It's called spousal privilege.
Yeah. Yeah.
I, uh, heard of it.
It's for both of
our protection, you know?
Just help us keep things clean,
help us toe the line
a little bit.
So what are you thinking?
I think staying out of jail's
a crap reason to get married.
No. We fucking love each other.
That's why
we're gonna get married.
The legal stuff,
it's just...bonus.
I mean,
this is marriage, though, man.
It's kind of a...big step,
don't you think?
I love you.
♪ stirring guitar music ♪
And...
and I trust you.
♪♪♪
Do you love
and trust me, too?
♪♪♪
- [chuckling] Jesus Christ.
- [hand thuds]
Okay.
So maybe this decision
isn't that hard.
Jesus Christ.
You proposing to me
over fucking patty melts?
Yeah.
I guess I am.
So what do you say?
You want to fit it in?
Fuck it.
I do.
♪♪♪
There he is.
The slayer!
- Way to slay.
- [door closes]
I got you six more cases,
you killer.
Well, psych!
'Cause we don't want any more.
[Veronica] You burned
our customers' faces off.
Look at 'em.
Like a bunch of linebackers.
We want a full refund,
and we want it now.
You know,
as I always tell my teammates,
a life in sales means
good days and bad.
Sometimes your products
are just gonna fly off the
shelves, and other times--
Oh, cut the shit, Tessa.
Our eyes feel like
liquid molten lava.
Eight hundred and twenty-five
dollars, now.
Look, I really want to give
you guys your money back,
but the thing is,
my hands are tied.
There are absolutely no refunds
of Escargold.
It is a firm company policy.
And you two did...
e-sign the agreement.
[Kev sighs]
What the fuck are we gonna do
with nine cases of slug burn?
I don't know.
Be inventive.
[sighs]
Here we go.
These are the Youths
Discovering Leadership Laws
or whatever.
Youths! This is Carl.
[Carl] Whoa.
What the shit is this?
Our youth leader program.
Uh, that's Wilder,
Hemingway,
Penelope, Hunter--
- Stop.
- [camera shutter clicks]
These are
our future police?
Mm, doubt it.
Uh, most do it
for their college applications.
They put it next to ski club,
yearbook committee..
- Oh, no, no, no.
- ...Habitat for Humanity--
Who's in charge here?
Well, we had a lieutenant
running things for a while,
but he's out recovering
from a heart attack.
So, for now,
they're kind of on their own.
♪ dramatic Western music ♪
[Carl] Just give me
24 hours with them, sir.
I'll whip 'em into shape.
♪♪♪
[cell phone chimes]
Hey, uh, I don't think
we're supposed to...
Hold up.
I got a link from Larry.
[news anchor]
In what now appears
to have been
a lover's quarrel,
Michelle "Shelly" Demeter
has been arrested and charged
for the aggravated murder
of Paula Bitterman.
What the fuck?
[anchor] An eyewitness account
has confirmed that Demeter...
Wait. Is that the lady
from the ambulance company?
[anchor] Bitterman was
just 47 years old.
You didn't kill Paula.
I told you I didn't.
I thought you killed Paula.
Told you I didn't.
But you kept talking about
how you wanted her dead.
You said you
wanted her dead, too,
and then you were with
your fucking dad all night.
Doesn't mean I just went
and murdered somebody.
I just got out of prison.
I just got
out of prison, too.
Mr. Gallagher
and Mr. Milkovich?
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Mr. Gallagher
and Mr. Milkovich.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
♪♪♪
Okay, everybody, time to think
outside the snail box.
What could we
use these guys for?
What secret use do they have?
Garbage can liner.
[laughter]
For a 10% cut
of our total sales,
what else could these little
gold bitches be used for?
All right?
Best idea wins.
Come on, guys.
Be creative.
They're small and sparkly.
They reduce puffiness
and cause burning.
Mm, might work for herpes.
I hear herpes.
Do I have a counter?
Well, if you put
16 of them on your chest,
it'll help you quit smoking.
- Okay, good.
- Glue stick.
- Paint thinner.
- Just smoke the shit.
Cure for snoring,
'cause your nose is burned off.
I like it, yeah.
What else?
What's the main ingredient
in 'em?
Uh, Korean, Korean, Korean,
and caffeine.
Caffeine?
That's the main ingredient
in Preparation H.
Not that I know anything
about hemorrhoids,
because I do not.
[clears throat]
I can't believe
you thought I did it!
I can't believe
you thought I did it.
I'm not the one
fucking prone to murder here.
"Prone to m--"
Name me one person
I've murdered!
Is this the only reason
you proposed to me?
- No.
- It is.
'Cause you thought
I was fucking guilty.
There's plenty
of fucking reasons.
But, yeah, I'd say
it came up today
'cause not testifying
against you is
a pretty big plus, Mickey.
So, uh, Misters Gallagher
and Milkovich,
um, shall I proceed with the
marriage license application?
Yeah, please, proceed.
Okay, great.
So, Mr. Milkovich,
if you could just sign
right on that line there.
And now, Mr. Gallagher.
- Just sign...
- [both] Yep.
Yep, right on that line
right there.
That's good.
Mr. Gallagher?
♪ bluesy rock music ♪
[pen clatters]
- You're fucking kidding.
- Can we just talk for--
Fuck.
Hey, can we have
our paperwork back, please?
Sorry, sorry
to waste your time.
Hey, Mickey!
♪♪♪
[indistinct chatter]
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, did the silk dress not fit?
Uh...
[chuckles]
Look, Claudia, I really like
free gifts and free money--
Oh, good,
because I have one more thing
I'd like you to have.
What's this?
Just open it.
It's a luggage tag.
You put your name
and address on there,
and then you attach it
to your luggage,
which you should pack,
because...
[imitating drumroll]
We're going on a girls' trip
to Kennebunkport.
Beach weekend.
[scoffs]
I don't even own a suitcase.
But even if I did, it's hard
for me to accept this from you.
It's all making me
feel like a prostitute.
Oh, God, uh, come here.
Sit down.
I am--I am so, so sorry.
Uh, that was
not my intention at all.
I-I mean, yes, I did think
you were a prostitute
when I picked you up
on Ho Corner,
but I see now that
you are much more than that.
Uh...
You make me feel
all flustered
and tongue-tied and--
[sighs]
I am sorry about the gifts.
The truth is, it's the only way
I know how to show affection.
I am working on it
with my therapist
because my father was
a withholding narcissist,
but, truly, I am sorry.
[sighs]
[Debbie]
No.
Hey, I-I'm sorry, too.
I can see you were
just trying to be nice.
And trust me,
I'm fucked up, too.
I see your withholding
narcissist parent
and raise you a set
of drug-addicted alcoholics.
[both chuckle]
Let's have a true do-over.
We could even
go dutch on dinner.
Does dutch mean
that you'll pay?
'Cause I doubt I could afford
anything at this restaurant.
[both laugh]
[door creaking]
[groans]
Do you remember
Kyle Holmes, Frank?
What?
Where am I?
Why does my head hurt?
I drugged your scotch.
That's Holmes, Frank.
H-O-L-M-E-S.
What?
Do you remember
Kyle Holmes, Frank?
Why am I handcuffed?
What the hell is this?
Kyle Holmes was my fiancé...
when my life
was full of promise.
We were gonna get married...
until you ruined it.
Who are you?
Who is this Kyle guy?
You know what you did!
I don't!
I swear.
Summer of 1995.
It doesn't ring a bell?
[scoffs]
Let's see if we can
jog your memory.
It is an epidemic that we are
facing in this country.
Street drugs, like crack,
ensnaring young American boys
like you,
from good American families.
That is why there is a war
on drugs in this country.
[Frank]
Is that him?
That's you, asshole.
[judge] Instead of punishing
this poor man,
the victim, who was seduced
into using
illegal street drugs,
we're gonna punish
the hoodlums, the miscreants
for perpetuating
this dark epidemic.
Frank Gallagher,
this court reduces your charge
to a misdemeanor,
and you are sentenced
to 30 days in rehab.
[Frank]
Thank you, Your Honor.
[judge]
You have a good day now.
As for you, the deviant thug
that tried to rob and steal
this bright young man's
future,
you are hereby sentenced
to 45 years
for drug possession
of crack cocaine.
Society's gonna be a lot safer
without you super predators
out on the streets.
[light thud]
Twenty-four years
he's been rotting in prison,
his entire adult life
behind bars.
I-I-I mean,
that's very unfortunate.
The '90s were a racist time.
But this feels like
a "not me" problem.
This feels like
a "not you" problem?
- You really don't remember.
- I don't remember!
Look, admittedly,
I was on crack at the time.
- [handcuffs tightening]
- Ouch.
I'm going to the hardware store
for supplies.
Why don't you watch the video
a few dozen more times?
- It's on a loop.
- It is an epidemic...
What kind of supplies?
The kind that might
make you remember.
Wait, no, can't we--
[judge] ...ensnaring
young American boys like you.
All right, flashlights.
- Check.
- Walkie-talkies.
Check.
- Tire irons!
- Check.
- Tasers.
- [both] Check.
- Chains.
- [both] Check.
Do we have to keep saying
"check" every time?
Because my throat's
getting dry--
Sorry, sir.
- Gloves.
- [all] Check.
- Roll of coins.
- [all] Check.
- Map of the South Side.
- [all] Check.
All right, let's review.
You, you're gonna take
half the platoon due west.
Your mission--
police this neighborhood
between point A and B.
I will take the other half
due east.
We meet back at Camp Carl
at 0600.
If someone fucks with you,
you fuck back!
You will not sleep,
you will not eat
until your zones are secure.
Am I clear?
- [all] Yes, Carl!
- Good.
Head on swivel.
Radios on.
On my command, move out.
Go, go, go, go!
Hi, there.
I'm Kevin at the Alibi.
Hi.
I'm Veronica at the Alibi.
[both] And we struggle
with hemorrhoids.
Shh, Kev, that's embarrassing.
Why, there's nothing to be
embarrassed about, V,
not when there's
such an affordable and easy way
to cure hemorrhoids, for
a very low introductory price
at the Alibi on the South Side.
That's right,
Escargold Butt Patches.
Safe and easy to use.
You just rip open the package
and put 'em on your butt crack.
Wow, that is so easy.
But does it work, Kev?
Why, yes, Veronica, it does.
Just listen to some of our
happy customer's testimonials.
I used to have hemorrhoids.
Now I don't.
Thanks, Escargold Butt Patches!
[both] So come see us
at the Alibi.
Your butt
will thank you.
- Okay.
- [Kev sighs]
Posted!
How long you think before
people will come
through the door?
Oh, that door is gonna
bust open any second now.
Here we go.
- Shot?
- Sure.
Any second now.
[exhales deeply]
♪ rock music ♪
I guess not.
Well, fuck, we tried.
Ladies and gentlemen,
today I take a knee
in support
of the following causes--
PETA's Lobster Empathy Center,
The Cigar Rights of America,
the Asperger Pride Movement,
Parents Who Are
Against Miralax,
Parents Who Are
Against Spelling Bees,
and Association
for Canine Spirituality.
Thanks.
[feedback whines]
[cheers and applause]
[all, chanting]
Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
Mickey, come on, hold up.
Leave me alone, Gallagher.
[Ian] It's just
that I hadn't really thought
this marriage shit through.
I don't know, I didn't think
we were gonna be
having this fucking
conversation today.
Then why the fuck
did you bring it up?
The whole thing was
your fucking idea!
- You talked me into this shit!
- I know!
I know!
Frank and Monica aren't exactly
the fucking picture
of marital bliss, okay?
I don't really have
a frame of reference
to connect this shit to.
- Oh, poor fucking you.
- It's not personal.
- It's fine, it's fine.
- It's not personal.
Mickey, I love you!
It's--it's marriage that I
don't know if I love, you know?
Maybe, I-I--
I don't know.
But you're right, it is--it is
really fucking important,
so can we just talk about it
for one second, please?
I--
I want to know
how you feel, you know?
[chuckling]
♪ lively piano music ♪
♪♪♪
[Ian groans]
♪♪♪
Fucking really, Mickey?
[Ian grunting]
Fuck.
[door opens]
- [Lip] Hey.
- Hey.
[Lip sighs]
Okay, so Aunt Oopie...
she can't be
Fred's guardian, Tami.
No, yeah.
I know.
She's racist as fuck.
I thought it would get
more subtle with age, but...
What's with the third person?
"Aunt Oopie's here."
"Aunt Oopie baked."
I know.
She's weird and sad.
Doesn't mean that Aunt Oopie
can't babysit, right?
It's not like Fred understands
what she's saying.
[chuckles]
I don't think his hearing
even works yet.
[sighs]
What if something
happens to us?
We don't have anyone
to be Fred's guardian.
So nothing'll happen to us.
Make a deal right now...
neither one of us will die.
[spits]
[laughs]
♪ rock music ♪
[spits]
♪ 'Cause I think I feel
the same as you ♪
Deal.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, all I want is you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, all I want is you ♪
Hey, jaywalking's illegal.
[laughs]
Buzz off.
You sure you want
to say that to me?
Beat it before you get hurt.
[whistles]
♪ rock music ♪
- [Taser clicking]
- [groans]
♪♪♪
Hey.
For those of you who watched
last week
and don't have
drug-induced brain damage,
you can skip
the next 30 seconds.
You don't have
to watch that shit.
- [man shouts]
- The rest of you losers...
here you go.
Sparky, Shelly.
Shelly, Sparky.
She's your boss.
Well, vice boss.
I made a little arrangement
with Larry.
- So you're mine now.
- [Mickey] You were right.
We got to kill her.
If you want Todd,
you're gonna have
to go through me.
His manager.
That's who.
[Claudia]
Do you want to go upstairs?
We could kick off these heels,
raid the minibar,
and check out the view.
I left you a little something
on the nightstand.
♪ rock music ♪
[Carl] Saw an old lady get shot
at the Ashcroft bus stop
last night.
You know,
the streetlights were out.
You did a good thing,
Citizen Carl.
Got involved.
Made a change.
Do you want to join me?
- Faye Donahue.
- Frank Gallagher.
Let's go to my place
and eat this Greek food.
You live in your car?
Indeed I do.
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming
once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing
once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪ pounding rock music ♪
♪♪♪
[Paula whistling idly]
[toilet flushes]
[coughs]
[gasps]
You?
What the fuck
are you doing here?
Hey, hey, what the fuck, man?
Hey!
[body thuds]
♪♪♪
[indistinct shouting]
[both sigh happily]
Good morning.
Where--where's Fred?
He passed out while nursing.
We've got six
to eight minutes tops.
Mm.
[moans softly]
Oh, and one of us has
to go to the store today
and get more diaper cream
'cause his rash
is now halfway up his back.
Oh, yeah.
Talk dirty to me.
[laughs]
♪♪♪
Wait.
Wait. You said it's worse
than yesterday.
What?
Fred's rash.
Uh, no, it's fine.
Hey. No.
His ass is fine.
And your ass is fine.
[giggles]
♪♪♪
Yeah. It's just--sorry.
It's just, the new daycare says
they can't take him
if he's sick.
It's diaper rash.
It's not the bubonic plague.
All babies have diaper rash.
- [Lip] Okay.
- [Tami giggles]
Mm.
♪♪♪
Mm, maybe we should get it
checked out, though.
- [groaning] Lip.
- You know? Yeah.
Lip, he's gonna be at daycare
for four hours total.
- [Lip sighs]
- Get a grip.
Look, we don't have a choice.
You want to--
Look at my chart.
[Lip] Yeah, but it's
his first day.
[Tami] You've got AA.
Then you're at work till four.
I'm at the salon at noon.
So there's a four-hour gap
in child care.
Yeah. So Brad'll let me
out of work early.
We need the cash.
[sighs] Well...
I mean, we need the cash
so we can afford daycare.
Doesn't that seem
a little ass-backwards?
No.
Ass-backwards
is the Gallagher method,
where the next-oldest kid
just keeps kind of a vague eye
on the rest of the herd.
Well, it's free.
Liam is ten.
He's not watching our baby.
Liam?
I was gonna say Franny.
- [laughing] Oh, Franny?
- Mm-hmm.
[Fred fusses, cries]
- [groaning] No.
- Fuck.
[Fred continues crying]
...get some fuckin' flapjacks.
Ian Gallagher?
Mikhailo Milkovich?
[fence rattling]
Yeah, I'm Ian Gallagher.
Can I help you, Officer?
Got some bad news for you.
Your PO was found dead
this morning.
Paula's dead?
Fell out of
a third-floor window.
Detectives want you both to
come down to the station today,
make statements.
Why?
We don't know anything
about that.
Whenever a PO dies, detectives
interview all the parolees,
especially
if the death was suspicious.
Suspicious?
Well, people usually
open a window
before they jump out it.
See you at the station.
Bring Milkovich.
[car door opens, closes]
Good.
Go. Get your backpacks.
- Get your book, Amy.
- [door opens, closes]
Let's go! Let's go, people!
Kev, get dressed!
We leave in three.
V, look at this.
- What is it?
- [Kev] IRS.
Oh, no!
Sweet baby Jesus.
No, no, no, no.
[Kev]
Our day just got shitty.
Did we not pay
our taxes on time?
Are you asking me?
How do I know?
You do the taxes.
No, I know--I know--
I know we did.
I-I paid the check,
and I did
the amend B-59X whatever.
I know I paid it.
What do you want me to do?
Flush it? Burn it?
No.
We got to face it head-on.
Hold Mommy's hand, girls.
- [paper rustles]
- [Kev sighs]
No way.
A check for $825?
$825?
What?
Give me that.
[Kev gasps]
"Tax credit," blah, blah, blah.
From when I worked
at the nursing home?
I vote Jet Ski.
And I vote no!
Come on, girls.
We got to go to school.
- Kev, you coming?
- [breathlessly] Yeah.
- Kev!
- Shh.
- Come on, girls.
- Let me have this.
- [door closes]
- [exhales deeply]
♪♪♪
Mickey?
Mickey! Hey, come on out.
Cops are gone.
The fuck they want?
Paula's dead.
[chuckling] No shit.
Is it Christmas?
It's not funny.
Someone threw her out a window.
You kidding me?
That's extremely funny.
There's, like,
a fucking verb for that
I-I'm serious, Mickey.
They want us to go into
the station for questioning.
You know anything about this?
Nah. Fuck, no.
I didn't kill her.
Wait. Do you know
something about this?
No.
- That what you're telling me?
- [Ian] Of course not.
Got it.
Good strategy.
Wait, what stra--
I-I didn't kill her.
- Little bit, you did, though.
- No. Not little bit.
I did zero murdering
of my PO last night, Mickey.
- Okay.
- I'm not the one
who came home late without
any sort of explanation.
I did explain.
I was with my dad.
No. You didn't explain
why you were with your dad.
Exactly.
Okay, so, to be clear,
you didn't kill her,
or, you know,
you "didn't" kill her"?
Why are you putting shit in
weird fucking air quotes?
Because I didn't
fucking kill her.
Okay. Me neither.
We both know
what we know we know...
that we know.
What the fuck does that mean?
- Hey. Where you going?
- [Mickey scoffs]
Wouldn't you like to know?
I-I-I would.
I would like to know!
All right.
Pick your poison.
- Cereal or toast.
- [Liam] Pass.
Todd's biggest game
of the season is today.
Got to stay sharp, stay hungry.
Shouldn't you be doing
fun kid stuff this summer?
Like Slip 'N Slide in the yard?
Talent management is fun, Tami,
if it's the kill that you love.
- [cell phone rings]
- Excuse me.
It's the coast.
Go for Todd.
Good. You're still here.
- [Lip] Hey.
- I need to talk to you.
Uh, okay.
I met this awesome woman last
night at a hotel bar, right?
- [Lip] Okay. Yeah.
- Claudia.
She's older than me,
but not in a rape-y way.
She's got this beautiful smile
and these bright eyes
and these sexy
little Lisa Loeb glasses.
Debs. Hey.
So, anyways, we spent the night
together last night.
- [Lip] Yeah.
- And then she gave me this.
I'm really confused.
Why would she give me
1,000 bucks?
[chuckling] Um...
[clicks tongue] I'm not.
She, uh--
[inhales deeply] She thinks
you're a prostitute.
- What?
- Yeah.
But it was voluntary
hooking up.
I liked the sex.
I think she did, too.
Yeah.
I like fixing bikes.
But it's my job because
someone gives me cash to do it.
- But we really hit it off.
- [Fred crying]
It wasn't like a gross
sex worker situation at all.
Who's a sex worker?
- Debbie.
- [Debbie] No.
This is a misunderstanding
that will be cleared up
immediately.
Okay.
- Tami.
- Yeah?
Could you wake up Franny
in 20 minutes
and watch her till I get back?
I can for a little while,
but then I got to take Fred to
daycare, get to work by noon.
- Cool. I owe you.
- [Lip] Wait, wait, wait, Debs.
How much do you owe her?
Because you have to be clear
about terms up front.
- Shut up, dick.
- You know?
- [Tami laughs]
- [door opens]
[Ian]
Oh, thank fuck you're here.
- [Lip] Hey.
- I need to talk you.
- You're popular this morning.
- Yeah.
Hey, Tami, uh, it's kind of
a brothers-only situation.
Thanks.
What's up?
I think Mickey killed
our parole officer.
- You what?
- Yeah.
She got thrown
out a window last night,
and he hates her,
and he was out late.
Plus, he's
a psychopath, so...
Yeah, but you-you really think
Mickey would kill
a parole officer?
We just had
this whole conversation
where he said
he basically did it,
you know, in his Mickey way
of not saying he did it
but totally saying
he did it.
- You know?
- No.
Well, I don't know what
the fuck to do.
I mean, I'm supposed to make
a statement to the police,
and--I mean, do I lie and say
he was here all night?
- Or--
- Yes.
You're a Gallagher, right?
Always lie.
Why are you squirming so much?
- Something wrong with you?
- I'm not squirming.
[Kev]
The point is, V,
when you have the money,
you got to spend it.
- Five-dollar scratchers.
- No, Kev.
But we have $800.
We could buy a million
five-dollar scratchers.
What about Disneyland,
a once-in-a-lifetime experience
for our children?
Fuck that mouse.
I'll take another
Sea Breeze, please.
Or we go to the Indian casino,
and we double down on craps.
Let it ride.
What do real people do
with money?
That's what I want to do.
- [Tommy] Invest it.
- In what?
You know who
you should talk to?
My buddy Gerald's daughter.
She is a money genius.
She--she invested
in this Korean company,
selling their products
from home.
Now she's got a Mercedes.
[Kev]
I want a Mercedes.
We could sell Korean stuff, V.
We could sell
the shit out of Korean stuff.
We don't have a ton to invest.
Well, neither did she.
She was a waitress.
Want me to get
her number for you?
- [door opens]
- Good morrow, friends.
Chums. Old pals.
I'm gonna use the ladies' room.
- [door closes]
- Hurry back, bunny.
Mm, hop, hop, hop.
[both chuckle]
[Frank] Is it
a beautiful morning or what?
- [Tommy] Stop gloating, Frank.
- [Kermit] Oh, shut up.
You and the lady friend
are getting tight, huh, Frank?
Wait. I don't care.
[man laughs]
We are getting tight, V.
Thank you for asking.
Only thing that's
a little bit odd is,
she appears
to live in a Rolls-Royce.
A Rolls?
You see, I don't want her
to feel uncomfortable
that she's homeless.
We've all been there.
- [Veronica] Never.
- We've never been there.
I'm probably homeless
right now.
Got to check with
the kids about that.
Are you sure she's homeless,
Frank?
The Rolls-Royce
doesn't make sense.
Yeah,
have you actually asked her,
"Do you have a house, Faye?"
Got to play the long game
with a woman like this.
Let her dole out
the info at her own pace.
Peel back the onion
and reveal her ripe fruit to me
when she's ready.
[door opens]
Hey, Faye, do you have a house?
Yes. Why?
[clanging]
Staff meeting.
[clangs]
Now in session.
[clangs]
All right.
We got a special today.
Shrimp tater tots.
Part tater, part shrimp.
I'ma throw up.
Looks like you fried
a turd, Lori.
[Lori] Serving these beauties
up with a slice of lemon
and a dollop of tartar jizz.
Seven-fifty
with a combo drink and fries.
Jesus.
You getting all this, Carl?
Hello?
- Yeah. I got it.
- What's wrong with you?
[Stump] He's questioning
his life choices.
Going through his "wants to do
good for the world" phase.
It'll pass.
Why would you want to do good?
I don't know.
Guess it felt good saving lives
and fixing streetlights.
Felt like I had a purpose
on this earth, you know?
- Join the military.
- I can't.
I'm banned.
So gain 50 pounds
and be a cop, then.
I'm too young to apply.
Guess this is my fate--
serving shrimp taters.
Let me tell you
something, Carl.
You think I always wanted
to do this with my life?
Serving up fried turd balls
with a bunch of ex-cons?
I'm a vet, Lori.
Two tours!
This wasn't my dream.
I wanted to be a teacher.
But cocaine tasted so good,
I just did that instead.
The point is,
you got to have dreams.
Go be a cop.
Can't apply till I'm 21.
Uh, you ever heard of
faking a birth certificate
using a dead guy's name?
[scoffs]
♪ funky music ♪
♪♪♪
Some big people here today.
Am I right?
- Yep.
- Whose your boy?
Sixteen.
You got Todd Bryerson?
Nice.
I'm with 22.
Cordel Jackson.
Yeah, we're positioning him to
take a third endorsement today.
Timbo Keller,
RCE Sports Management.
- And you are?
- You're not poaching my boy.
[chuckles] Whoa, little man.
I was just gonna say--
Walk away.
- Wow. You're paranoid.
- I've seen you eye him.
Walk away.
[net swishes, buzzer sounds]
[crowd cheers]
Listen, buddy.
Got a strategy.
Check it.
The new Apollos?
Not out yet.
They're gonna be huge.
New lace technology.
Self-tightens.
Apollos?
That's all you can get me?
Cordel's got Air Jordans,
and RCE signed him.
[Liam]
Trust me.
Get photographed in these.
Boom, leverage.
What's leverage?
Don't worry about it.
Trust me.
♪ quirky rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Hey, Officer Berto.
Can we talk for a second?
I haven't seen your dad.
Buzz off.
Wait, wait.
It's not about my dad.
- It's about lawyers.
- [groans] Worse.
- I'm on my break.
- Great.
[indistinct chatter
over police radio]
[door opens, Ian grunts]
When you got arrested
for beating the shit
out of that Cardinals fan,
who was the lawyer
that got you off?
Danny Alvarez.
Best lawyer around.
Five hundred an hour.
Worth every penny.
Yeah, I thought I was fucked
when Tina wouldn't marry me,
but Danny saved my ass.
Got me off scot-free.
Wouldn't marry you?
What's that got to do
with anything?
Oh, 'cause married people
can't testify
against each other
in a court of law.
It's called spousal privilege.
That's why I tried
to get Tina to marry me,
but the bitch said, no,
she wouldn't cover for me.
So I had to hire Danny.
Married people can't testify
against each other? Ever?
Nope.
Any knowledge you have
of each other's shit
is strictly confidential.
It's what we
in the biz call a loophole.
[indistinct chatter
over police radio]
What's his blood type?
[Fred coos]
What? They need
to know his blood type
so he can do tummy time?
Mm.
I'm just gonna put "red."
Who's his emergency contact?
That's easy.
Me.
Who are they supposed to call
if we're both unreachable
and Fred's having a seizure?
Seizure? Jesus.
What are they gonna do
to him in this place?
Cami.
No. Your sister? No.
No, no, no.
Uh...Ian.
Ian the felon?
Uh, uh, Debbie, then.
The prostitute.
[chuckling] Okay. Um...
look, why don't we just
leave it blank, huh?
You can't leave it blank.
So Cami.
[sighs]
She and Brad are gonna be
Fred's legal guardians anyway.
What? Since when?
Why wouldn't they be?
Uh, because
Brad fell off the wagon so hard
that we had to pick him up
out of a ditch last year,
and you hate your sister?
- I don't hate my sister.
- Yes, you do.
And we all do.
Fine.
Um, my Aunt Oopie, then.
Aunt Oop--no.
Fuck, no. What?
Okay.
Who did you have in mind
to be Fred's legal guardian?
I don't know.
Can we just do this later?
A Gallagher, though, right?
Honestly, I hadn't even
thought about it.
[smooches]
Bye, buddy!
[smooches loudly]
Hey. We will be
talking about this later.
Yes.
- [door opens]
- Bye!
[door closes]
Debbie?
Hey. Uh...
I was just wondering why
you gave me this last night.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was it not enough?
Here, come in.
Come in.
Just, um--
my wallet's right over there.
Just take
whatever your rate is.
- I wasn't sure.
- [door closes]
[scoffs]
Claudia, I don't have a rate.
I'm not a prostitute.
You're not?
Why were you sitting
with all the prostitutes, then?
You know, they call that
Ho Corner.
I did not know that.
[chuckles]
I just met you,
and I thought I liked you.
So I was a freebie?
No, you weren't a freebie,
because you're not a john
and I'm not a prostitute.
I just thought we hit it off.
Oh!
Well, I thought
we had a connection, too.
So this is a misunderstanding?
Big mistake. Huge.
Great.
Um, I have to get to work,
but can I take you out
on a proper date later?
Sure.
How long are you in town?
I live here.
Up in Lake Forest.
I just get a hotel room
when I have a late meeting
in the city
or I'm too fucked up on,
you know, and looking for a...
[inhales deeply]
[clicks tongue]
So, uh, dinner?
How about
seven o'clock tonight?
- Sure. Sounds good.
- [Claudia] Okay.
And here,
I'm gonna return this.
Oh, no, no, no.
Keep it, as a gift.
It's the least I can do
for insulting you.
[chuckles]
Oh!
And if you're free today,
why don't you just
enjoy the room?
I mean, I have to go to work,
but I can arrange
for a late checkout.
I mean, just order up
some room service
or a spa treatment.
Well, thanks.
♪ rock music ♪
[door closes]
I don't understand.
If you have a house,
why didn't we sleep in it?
It's embarrassing.
You'll think I'm crazy.
There is zero percent chance
that I'll think you're crazy.
What's embarrassing?
You got bedbugs?
You know what?
Let's change the subject.
Come on.
Tell Frank.
You got a husband back home?
Much worse than that.
Children?
It's haunted, Frank.
I'm terrified
to be there alone.
[whispering]
That's why I sleep in my car.
"Haunted"?
Every floor,
every room,
including the ballroom
and servants' quarters.
How big is this house?
Twenty-two thousand nine
hundred eleven square feet.
On the lake.
Nine bedrooms,
including the master.
But that's mostly just storage
for my father's
single-malt scotch collection.
Your father collects scotch?
Did. Yes.
He's dead now.
He has hundreds of bottles
of the stuff in that room.
I mean...
[scoffs]
Not that I'm brave enough
to go in there.
You know, Faye,
I believe in ghosts.
I see them.
I hear them.
And I can exorcise them.
We're simpatico.
I could help you get rid of 'em
for good.
Really?
Who else you gonna call?
[both laugh]
♪ We rock and roll,
and we rock ♪
♪ Hip-hop,
you know it don't stop ♪
♪ Let's do work
and don't punch the clock ♪
♪ And, uh, ticktock
a mill off the top, ma ♪
♪ Catch my vibe,
catch my vibe ♪
♪ Catch my vibe,
catch my vibe ♪
♪ Gimme my room
while I catch my vibe ♪
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's all stand
for the national anthem.
[drumroll playing on speakers]
["The Star-Spangled Banner"
plays on speakers]
♪♪♪
♪ mischievous music ♪
"Southside Kid Finally
Takes a Stand."
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Boom.
♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Hey ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
Man, let me ask you something.
Who's your kid's guardian?
You, I think.
[laughs] No.
I'm just kidding.
It's, uh, some Bible-thumping
aunt on Cami's side.
Oh, and you're okay with that?
I mean, it not being someone
in your own family?
You've clearly never met
my family.
Guardian stuff's up
to the mother anyway.
Everything is.
Sooner you accept that,
the better your life will be.
Remote control, up to her.
Temperature of every room,
up to her.
Your balls, up to her.
[phone quacking]
Oh.
Yo. What's up?
Hey. The new daycare
wouldn't take Fred.
[Lip] What?
The daycare wouldn't take Fred
because of his rash.
Oh. Is that right?
[Tami] Well, not his rash,
but because of his stupid rash,
they took his temperature,
and it's point-two degrees
higher than it should be,
so they sent him home.
[Lip] Okay.
Where are you now?
Uh, I'm almost home.
Aunt Oopie is meeting me there,
and then, hopefully,
I will still make it
to work on time.
Oh, your-your-your aunt
I've never met?
[Tami]
She's available.
You know, you can meet her
when you get home.
Oh, and can you pick up
some baby aspirin?
Mwah.
Ah, f...uck me.
[Faye shudders]
We're getting close.
Oh, Frank.
[exhales sharply]
I'm in a cold sweat.
Let's talk about
these spirits for a second.
Uh, can you see them,
or are they more of a presence?
[Faye]
A presence.
Like a cold hand on my neck.
Okay. Right here.
[sighs]
[shudders] It's the worst
when I'm in bed.
They hover over me.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[shivers]
Fr...
[quietly]
I-I-I...
I can't do this.
Give me your hand.
It's like
our black president said,
"Yes, we can."
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
It's just a house.
A very expensive house,
but nothing we can't handle.
[clock chiming,
number pad beeping]
[door closes]
Let's start
with the scotch-collection room
and go from there.
Which way?
Up the stairs.
Uh, for whatever it's worth,
my spidey sense is really not
picking up any spirits.
[calling out]
Right?
No ghosts in here, right?
I can't.
I literally can't
go up the stairs, Frank.
Faye, take my hand.
I want you to really hear
what I'm about to tell you.
I've got you.
And you're safe with me.
Aw.
Is that you?
Yes.
At high-school graduation...
right before
everything changed forever...
when my life still had promise.
- You're late. Grab an AK.
- [gun cocks]
- What's up, Mickey?
- [George] Hey, the large file
works best on serial numbers.
Yo, I heard about
that bitch PO going down.
[George] Yeah, who's the lucky
parolee that gets that trophy?
I bet he's loving life
right now.
[Terry] Why you make me
ask you twice?
Sit. File.
[Mickey] I'm not really here
to work, Pops.
"Not here to work," he says.
You helped us move 'em
last night.
- Now you got cold feet?
- No. I just...
I need advice, actually.
- What the fuck?
- [Mickey] Yeah, I know.
Look, I'm pretty sure Ian
popped that PO.
Who's Ian?
Fuck you, man.
Don't start with that shit.
[laughing] Hey,
I'm just fucking with you.
No way in hell that little
gay carrot boy shot her.
No. She didn't get shot.
She got...pushed out a window.
Did he tell you he did it?
[stammers wordlessly, sighs]
In so many words, yeah.
Shit.
Were you wearing a wire?
Anyone else hear
the conversation?
No. Look, cops want us to
come in and answer questions.
Fuck! All right.
Go get packed.
George, call Benny.
Tell him to get the van.
We got to take some cargo
to Canada.
No. No. I'm not running.
I need to protect him.
What are my options here?
Oh, you want options?
He wants options.
[laughs]
- [laughter]
- [Terry] God damn it!
You're a Milkovich.
Cops gonna pin this
on you so fast,
you'll be back in the pen
before lights out
in cellblock C.
Nothing else you can do
but run.
[George] Oh,
unless you got married.
See, you can't testify
against each other in court
if you're mister and mister.
Milkovich men marry vaginas,
period.
He's gay, Terry.
I'm gay. People are gay.
Do you want a beer?
[Terry]
Shut your filthy mouth.
Hey, marriage isn't about
sexual orientation anyway.
We like pussy, right, Snook?
Fucking love pussy.
Can't get enough pussy.
We're both zero percent gay.
Yeah, we're
not even prison gay.
But technically,
we've been legally married
for what, George?
- Nine years?
- Yeah.
Thirteen federal court
hearings.
Never testified against
each other once.
[Mickey] H-hold on.
So you're saying that
if Ian and I get married,
then anything that happens
between us is a secret?
[Terry] You marry someone
with a cock,
I will bludgeon you dead
in your sleep.
Good talk, Dad.
Thanks.
Product conviction.
That is what it is about.
You have got to have
conviction in your product.
Equals sales, equals profit,
equals new Mercedes.
I don't sell Escargold.
Escargold sells itself.
I get to sit back and wax
my 'Cedes with an Hermes scarf.
Mm!
Kev knows
what I'm talking about.
- Kev knows!
- [giggles]
Can you talk some more
about the marketing tiers?
What exactly is that?
Multitier marketing.
It's like--
You know what it's like, Kev?
Sports.
I'm the captain of my team,
and I want you two
to play for me
because you're gonna
be great players.
MVPs. Top-draw producers.
Okay?
So I'm gonna take
a little percentage
of your sales off the top
because I recruited you.
- [Kev] Mm-hmm.
- But once you are up
and running and you have
quadrupled
your initial investment--
Which takes how long?
[Tessa] Six months
if you've got hustle.
You good with Insta?
Snap? Twitter?
So good.
So what's
your capital investment?
Because for 2,500,
we can get your inventory
set up, and we can play ball.
We have 825.
For 825,
we can get your inventory
set up, and we can play ball.
So why don't you two follow me
out to my 'Cedes?
And we are gonna load you up.
I still don't know
what the product is.
- What is Escargold?
- Yeah. What does it do?
♪ rock music ♪
Now, I know
what you're thinking:
"This is just some Korean
skincare fad."
And the answer is no.
Escargold eyepatches
minimize wrinkles
and de-puff eyes.
[Veronica]
Using a special ingredient--
snail mucus.
Snail? Like slugs?
No.
Snail like expensive.
- [Kev] Mm-hmm.
- Very rare.
[Kev] They're really popular
all over Europe
and parts of France, guys.
They really do work.
Ingredients are all-natural
and organic.
Yeah, 'cause they're snails.
Free samples coming around.
Once you try it,
you are sure to buy a case
for our special
introductory price
of $29.99.
V, what the hell are we
supposed to do again?
Make a face story
on graham cracker?
Why don't you let me handle
the social media?
♪♪♪
[camera shutter clicks]
♪ militaristic percussive
music ♪
[keys clacking]
Afternoon, sir.
Name's Carl Gallagher.
I'm here to join
the police academy,
dedicate my life
to law enforcement,
and here is my ID
that says I'm 21.
How old are you really, son?
- How old do you need me to be?
- The age you actually are.
I'm 21. Just look at my ID.
Well, this says your name
is Lewis McGillicutty, Carl.
Born 1947.
But this just shows how much
I want it.
- Out.
- [Carl] Oh, come on.
How many minors do you get in
here begging to join the force?
Begging to make shit money
and get called a pig?
This is my calling.
Punishing the oppressors
of the underclass
is what I'm all about.
I have three skills
to offer you, sir:
I like to choke things,
I'm good with weapons,
and I got a buttload
of rage in my heart.
Hey, Cody.
Come on out.
What?
Now, it's not exactly
the academy, Carl,
but it might be up your alley.
Uh, this is Carl--I think
he'd be a great candidate
for the kids thing that we do.
What are we calling it--
[Cody] what the hell
you talking about?
The youth thing we do for--
uh, mentorship
for the teenagers.
Oh, we're still doing
that bullshit?
It's called the Youth Committee
to Investigate Youthful Comm--
uh, something like that.
Yeah, that's it.
And it's for students
who are interested
in a career in law enforcement.
I'm interested.
What does it entail, sir?
Eh, not much, just a couple
hours after school every week.
Um...
there's usually a flash grenade
demonstration at some point.
Flash grenades?
What about real grenades?
Oh, he's gonna fit right in.
[news anchor]
In today's segment
- of "Snowflake Central"...
- [door closes]
...we focus on the latest
victim of the liberal agenda--
an elementary-school gun show.
Dallas resident Sandra Benson
was looking forward
to sharing...
[sweetly]
Hey.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
[news anchor] ...a fourth
grader who couldn't wait...
Uh, hello?
Oh, hello.
Aunt Oopie here.
- [Lip] Hey.
- Not gonna call you Lip.
Hope that's okay.
Gonna call you by your lovely
God-given name, Phillip.
Okay.
- After the prophet.
- Right.
Oopie Tamietti
at your service.
Is that O-O-O-pie?
No, it's Oopie. Like "loopy."
[chuckling] Okay.
Uh, well, thank you--
thanks for watching Fred
for us, you know?
Honestly, I'm just so happy
to be able to spend time
with that creamy little
Alfredo sauce!
- Yeah.
- He's the best baby on Earth.
He is.
He is.
Um, has he been resting long?
- I'd say about 40 minutes.
- Okay.
Uh, so I did
two loads of laundry,
- caught up on my Hannity...
- I saw that.
...roasted a chicken for
supper, and made sweet rolls.
Do you like sweet rolls,
Phillip?
Come on. Sit down.
You've had a long day at work,
I'm sure.
Have a seat.
So listen, I have to insist
that Fred not go back
to that filthy daycare center.
Oh.
Because why would he,
when Aunt Oopie is free?
Yeah, I just--Tami and I,
we should really, uh,
- maybe discuss--
- Here. Try this.
You're gonna love it, Phillip.
- [Lip mumbles]
- Am I right?
- Am I right or am I right?
- Mmm.
Yeah, you're--you're right.
That's delicious.
[door opens]
Here we are...
the master bedroom.
This is full of promise.
[gasps]
Jesus H Christ in Heaven,
my Lord,
thank You for this gift
- of daily stuff.
- [door closes]
He organized them
by year and distillery.
His lifelong passion.
This one...
- looks really old.
- [scotch pouring]
This is the scary room?
[scoffs]
There's nothing in here.
A bed and some air.
That's 'cause
you're not on the bed.
- That's where they torment.
- Uh...
Cheers, to us.
This bed?
Nothing here.
[laughs]
I'll take another one, doll.
That's 'cause you have to lie
on the bed.
- Ah.
- Close your eyes.
You'll see.
Mm.
Eh?
- Now lay very still.
- Okay.
- Don't move a muscle.
- [chuckles]
Eyes shut tight.
And listen.
- [handcuff clicks]
- [Frank chuckles]
- [Faye] You hear that?
- [Frank] Mm-hmm.
[chuckles] I think you may have
scared the spirits away.
♪ exciting music ♪
Do you like to play, Frank?
[Frank laughs]
Mm-hmm.
Then let's play.
♪♪♪
Open your eyes.
♪♪♪
What?
Boo!
♪♪♪
[crowd shouting]
Whoo!
[whistle blows]
♪ rousing hip-hop music ♪
♪♪♪
[shouting continues]
[crowd, chanting]
Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
- You're Todd's manager, right?
- Guilty.
His kneeling photo
is blowing up.
120,000 likes already.
And Jay-Z commented,
"We're past this."
Your guy is famous.
Well, it's easy to represent
someone who takes
such a strong stand.
♪♪♪
[buzzer sounds]
What are you doing
after the game?
Excuse me, ladies.
Business calls.
Dude, you're trending.
Time to decide
what you took a knee for.
- Huh?
- Lots of options.
Race, Trump, being poor,
bad food in schools,
kids with leukemia.
Got to pick.
I was just fixing my shoes.
You want sponsorships or not?
Thanks.
Thanks for meeting up with me.
No problem.
Let me just take my Plan B.
Totally screwed
the pooch last night.
A guy I boned was legit poor.
Like, works at goddamn Macy's
and is not even
associate manager.
His tie had a snipped-in-half
label on the back.
Fuck my life.
How about you?
How'd you make out?
Yeah. So that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I think I might be
a prostitute.
Yas, queen!
So I didn't go off with
that old rich guy last night.
I met someone else.
Her name is Claudia.
We went up to her room
and hooked up,
and now she's buying me dresses
and giving me cash
and gonna take me
to a nice dinner.
I'm really conflicted.
You hit the jackpot.
Or...
the mother lode.
Get it?
You don't think
it's a little slutty?
Having a sugar mama?
Fuck, no.
It is a true unicorn.
You got no dusty dicks.
No dangling balls.
You get actual orgasms
all night.
You ride her
all the way to a college fund
for Franny, girl.
♪ quirky music ♪
♪♪♪
[whimpering]
I look like a rabid raccoon.
[shouts] My eyes!
The pain comes in waves!
Your snail piss
burned our skin off!
[groans]
[man] Fuck!
This sucks!
We hear your concerns.
Obviously,
we have the same concerns
about our product as you do.
Aloe gel coming around.
Put it on the burned area
with our deep apologies.
You need to call
that bitch back again.
We got to return this shit
and get our money back.
I have called her 20 times.
She keeps sending us
to voice mail.
Give me the phone--I know
how to get her coward ass here.
[groans]
"Girl, we need more product.
Sold out inventory."
Smiley face emoji.
- [message app swooshes]
- [customers groan]
She's coming right over.
[groans]
Uh, you know, we usually just
kind of all grab something
and eat
clustered around the sink.
Well, that's a bunch of crazy.
You want to keep this great
country of ours great,
it starts at the home,
with prayers
to our Lord Jesus
- and three square meals a day.
- [door opens]
[door closes]
- [Tami] Hello!
- Hey!
- [Oopie squeals happily]
- Hi. Oopie!
Little Tami!
Oh, my goodness.
I love this baby so much.
And this man of yours--
a fixer-upper, for sure...
[whispering] ...but that house
has good bones.
Well, thank you so much
for coming
on such short notice,
Aunt Oopie.
Of course, honeybun.
Now, let's see.
Fred has probably got
another hour or so
before I wake him up
for supper.
- Okay.
- I can do bath time.
So why don't you two
go have a date?
Aunt Oopie's got everything
covered here.
- Date?
- A date?
Yeah. Or a nap
or just an adult conversation.
Go on, now.
I'm gonna teach Fred
and that little colored boy
about the Gettysburg Address
after supper.
I'm sorry.
Wha-what was that part?
- A date.
- She just--
- A date.
- No, I heard--
That's great.
Thanks, Aunt Oopie.
Go on, now.
Enjoy yourselves.
- No, see, the other part--
- It's good to go out
and participate in the economy
so we don't have to give
handouts
to those welfare cheats and...
- [Tami] Okay!
- ...illegal immigrants.
- Yeah. I just--
- All right. Bye.
Please. Come on.
- Have fun.
- [door closes]
♪ rock music ♪
[door opens]
♪♪♪
Hey.
- Hey.
- [groans]
Thanks for meeting me.
Yeah.
Sure thing, Formal.
[chuckles stiffly]
Let's order.
I'm fucking starving.
[clears throat]
You, uh,
get your new PO assignment?
I'm back
with Larry fucking Seaver--
I think we should get married.
What?
We should get married.
Then we can't testify
against each other...
in a court of law.
You know,
in case one of us, uh...
had something on the other.
It's called spousal privilege.
Yeah. Yeah.
I, uh, heard of it.
It's for both of
our protection, you know?
Just help us keep things clean,
help us toe the line
a little bit.
So what are you thinking?
I think staying out of jail's
a crap reason to get married.
No. We fucking love each other.
That's why
we're gonna get married.
The legal stuff,
it's just...bonus.
I mean,
this is marriage, though, man.
It's kind of a...big step,
don't you think?
I love you.
♪ stirring guitar music ♪
And...
and I trust you.
♪♪♪
Do you love
and trust me, too?
♪♪♪
- [chuckling] Jesus Christ.
- [hand thuds]
Okay.
So maybe this decision
isn't that hard.
Jesus Christ.
You proposing to me
over fucking patty melts?
Yeah.
I guess I am.
So what do you say?
You want to fit it in?
Fuck it.
I do.
♪♪♪
There he is.
The slayer!
- Way to slay.
- [door closes]
I got you six more cases,
you killer.
Well, psych!
'Cause we don't want any more.
[Veronica] You burned
our customers' faces off.
Look at 'em.
Like a bunch of linebackers.
We want a full refund,
and we want it now.
You know,
as I always tell my teammates,
a life in sales means
good days and bad.
Sometimes your products
are just gonna fly off the
shelves, and other times--
Oh, cut the shit, Tessa.
Our eyes feel like
liquid molten lava.
Eight hundred and twenty-five
dollars, now.
Look, I really want to give
you guys your money back,
but the thing is,
my hands are tied.
There are absolutely no refunds
of Escargold.
It is a firm company policy.
And you two did...
e-sign the agreement.
[Kev sighs]
What the fuck are we gonna do
with nine cases of slug burn?
I don't know.
Be inventive.
[sighs]
Here we go.
These are the Youths
Discovering Leadership Laws
or whatever.
Youths! This is Carl.
[Carl] Whoa.
What the shit is this?
Our youth leader program.
Uh, that's Wilder,
Hemingway,
Penelope, Hunter--
- Stop.
- [camera shutter clicks]
These are
our future police?
Mm, doubt it.
Uh, most do it
for their college applications.
They put it next to ski club,
yearbook committee..
- Oh, no, no, no.
- ...Habitat for Humanity--
Who's in charge here?
Well, we had a lieutenant
running things for a while,
but he's out recovering
from a heart attack.
So, for now,
they're kind of on their own.
♪ dramatic Western music ♪
[Carl] Just give me
24 hours with them, sir.
I'll whip 'em into shape.
♪♪♪
[cell phone chimes]
Hey, uh, I don't think
we're supposed to...
Hold up.
I got a link from Larry.
[news anchor]
In what now appears
to have been
a lover's quarrel,
Michelle "Shelly" Demeter
has been arrested and charged
for the aggravated murder
of Paula Bitterman.
What the fuck?
[anchor] An eyewitness account
has confirmed that Demeter...
Wait. Is that the lady
from the ambulance company?
[anchor] Bitterman was
just 47 years old.
You didn't kill Paula.
I told you I didn't.
I thought you killed Paula.
Told you I didn't.
But you kept talking about
how you wanted her dead.
You said you
wanted her dead, too,
and then you were with
your fucking dad all night.
Doesn't mean I just went
and murdered somebody.
I just got out of prison.
I just got
out of prison, too.
Mr. Gallagher
and Mr. Milkovich?
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Mr. Gallagher
and Mr. Milkovich.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
♪♪♪
Okay, everybody, time to think
outside the snail box.
What could we
use these guys for?
What secret use do they have?
Garbage can liner.
[laughter]
For a 10% cut
of our total sales,
what else could these little
gold bitches be used for?
All right?
Best idea wins.
Come on, guys.
Be creative.
They're small and sparkly.
They reduce puffiness
and cause burning.
Mm, might work for herpes.
I hear herpes.
Do I have a counter?
Well, if you put
16 of them on your chest,
it'll help you quit smoking.
- Okay, good.
- Glue stick.
- Paint thinner.
- Just smoke the shit.
Cure for snoring,
'cause your nose is burned off.
I like it, yeah.
What else?
What's the main ingredient
in 'em?
Uh, Korean, Korean, Korean,
and caffeine.
Caffeine?
That's the main ingredient
in Preparation H.
Not that I know anything
about hemorrhoids,
because I do not.
[clears throat]
I can't believe
you thought I did it!
I can't believe
you thought I did it.
I'm not the one
fucking prone to murder here.
"Prone to m--"
Name me one person
I've murdered!
Is this the only reason
you proposed to me?
- No.
- It is.
'Cause you thought
I was fucking guilty.
There's plenty
of fucking reasons.
But, yeah, I'd say
it came up today
'cause not testifying
against you is
a pretty big plus, Mickey.
So, uh, Misters Gallagher
and Milkovich,
um, shall I proceed with the
marriage license application?
Yeah, please, proceed.
Okay, great.
So, Mr. Milkovich,
if you could just sign
right on that line there.
And now, Mr. Gallagher.
- Just sign...
- [both] Yep.
Yep, right on that line
right there.
That's good.
Mr. Gallagher?
♪ bluesy rock music ♪
[pen clatters]
- You're fucking kidding.
- Can we just talk for--
Fuck.
Hey, can we have
our paperwork back, please?
Sorry, sorry
to waste your time.
Hey, Mickey!
♪♪♪
[indistinct chatter]
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, did the silk dress not fit?
Uh...
[chuckles]
Look, Claudia, I really like
free gifts and free money--
Oh, good,
because I have one more thing
I'd like you to have.
What's this?
Just open it.
It's a luggage tag.
You put your name
and address on there,
and then you attach it
to your luggage,
which you should pack,
because...
[imitating drumroll]
We're going on a girls' trip
to Kennebunkport.
Beach weekend.
[scoffs]
I don't even own a suitcase.
But even if I did, it's hard
for me to accept this from you.
It's all making me
feel like a prostitute.
Oh, God, uh, come here.
Sit down.
I am--I am so, so sorry.
Uh, that was
not my intention at all.
I-I mean, yes, I did think
you were a prostitute
when I picked you up
on Ho Corner,
but I see now that
you are much more than that.
Uh...
You make me feel
all flustered
and tongue-tied and--
[sighs]
I am sorry about the gifts.
The truth is, it's the only way
I know how to show affection.
I am working on it
with my therapist
because my father was
a withholding narcissist,
but, truly, I am sorry.
[sighs]
[Debbie]
No.
Hey, I-I'm sorry, too.
I can see you were
just trying to be nice.
And trust me,
I'm fucked up, too.
I see your withholding
narcissist parent
and raise you a set
of drug-addicted alcoholics.
[both chuckle]
Let's have a true do-over.
We could even
go dutch on dinner.
Does dutch mean
that you'll pay?
'Cause I doubt I could afford
anything at this restaurant.
[both laugh]
[door creaking]
[groans]
Do you remember
Kyle Holmes, Frank?
What?
Where am I?
Why does my head hurt?
I drugged your scotch.
That's Holmes, Frank.
H-O-L-M-E-S.
What?
Do you remember
Kyle Holmes, Frank?
Why am I handcuffed?
What the hell is this?
Kyle Holmes was my fiancé...
when my life
was full of promise.
We were gonna get married...
until you ruined it.
Who are you?
Who is this Kyle guy?
You know what you did!
I don't!
I swear.
Summer of 1995.
It doesn't ring a bell?
[scoffs]
Let's see if we can
jog your memory.
It is an epidemic that we are
facing in this country.
Street drugs, like crack,
ensnaring young American boys
like you,
from good American families.
That is why there is a war
on drugs in this country.
[Frank]
Is that him?
That's you, asshole.
[judge] Instead of punishing
this poor man,
the victim, who was seduced
into using
illegal street drugs,
we're gonna punish
the hoodlums, the miscreants
for perpetuating
this dark epidemic.
Frank Gallagher,
this court reduces your charge
to a misdemeanor,
and you are sentenced
to 30 days in rehab.
[Frank]
Thank you, Your Honor.
[judge]
You have a good day now.
As for you, the deviant thug
that tried to rob and steal
this bright young man's
future,
you are hereby sentenced
to 45 years
for drug possession
of crack cocaine.
Society's gonna be a lot safer
without you super predators
out on the streets.
[light thud]
Twenty-four years
he's been rotting in prison,
his entire adult life
behind bars.
I-I-I mean,
that's very unfortunate.
The '90s were a racist time.
But this feels like
a "not me" problem.
This feels like
a "not you" problem?
- You really don't remember.
- I don't remember!
Look, admittedly,
I was on crack at the time.
- [handcuffs tightening]
- Ouch.
I'm going to the hardware store
for supplies.
Why don't you watch the video
a few dozen more times?
- It's on a loop.
- It is an epidemic...
What kind of supplies?
The kind that might
make you remember.
Wait, no, can't we--
[judge] ...ensnaring
young American boys like you.
All right, flashlights.
- Check.
- Walkie-talkies.
Check.
- Tire irons!
- Check.
- Tasers.
- [both] Check.
- Chains.
- [both] Check.
Do we have to keep saying
"check" every time?
Because my throat's
getting dry--
Sorry, sir.
- Gloves.
- [all] Check.
- Roll of coins.
- [all] Check.
- Map of the South Side.
- [all] Check.
All right, let's review.
You, you're gonna take
half the platoon due west.
Your mission--
police this neighborhood
between point A and B.
I will take the other half
due east.
We meet back at Camp Carl
at 0600.
If someone fucks with you,
you fuck back!
You will not sleep,
you will not eat
until your zones are secure.
Am I clear?
- [all] Yes, Carl!
- Good.
Head on swivel.
Radios on.
On my command, move out.
Go, go, go, go!
Hi, there.
I'm Kevin at the Alibi.
Hi.
I'm Veronica at the Alibi.
[both] And we struggle
with hemorrhoids.
Shh, Kev, that's embarrassing.
Why, there's nothing to be
embarrassed about, V,
not when there's
such an affordable and easy way
to cure hemorrhoids, for
a very low introductory price
at the Alibi on the South Side.
That's right,
Escargold Butt Patches.
Safe and easy to use.
You just rip open the package
and put 'em on your butt crack.
Wow, that is so easy.
But does it work, Kev?
Why, yes, Veronica, it does.
Just listen to some of our
happy customer's testimonials.
I used to have hemorrhoids.
Now I don't.
Thanks, Escargold Butt Patches!
[both] So come see us
at the Alibi.
Your butt
will thank you.
- Okay.
- [Kev sighs]
Posted!
How long you think before
people will come
through the door?
Oh, that door is gonna
bust open any second now.
Here we go.
- Shot?
- Sure.
Any second now.
[exhales deeply]
♪ rock music ♪
I guess not.
Well, fuck, we tried.
Ladies and gentlemen,
today I take a knee
in support
of the following causes--
PETA's Lobster Empathy Center,
The Cigar Rights of America,
the Asperger Pride Movement,
Parents Who Are
Against Miralax,
Parents Who Are
Against Spelling Bees,
and Association
for Canine Spirituality.
Thanks.
[feedback whines]
[cheers and applause]
[all, chanting]
Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
Mickey, come on, hold up.
Leave me alone, Gallagher.
[Ian] It's just
that I hadn't really thought
this marriage shit through.
I don't know, I didn't think
we were gonna be
having this fucking
conversation today.
Then why the fuck
did you bring it up?
The whole thing was
your fucking idea!
- You talked me into this shit!
- I know!
I know!
Frank and Monica aren't exactly
the fucking picture
of marital bliss, okay?
I don't really have
a frame of reference
to connect this shit to.
- Oh, poor fucking you.
- It's not personal.
- It's fine, it's fine.
- It's not personal.
Mickey, I love you!
It's--it's marriage that I
don't know if I love, you know?
Maybe, I-I--
I don't know.
But you're right, it is--it is
really fucking important,
so can we just talk about it
for one second, please?
I--
I want to know
how you feel, you know?
[chuckling]
♪ lively piano music ♪
♪♪♪
[Ian groans]
♪♪♪
Fucking really, Mickey?
[Ian grunting]
Fuck.
[door opens]
- [Lip] Hey.
- Hey.
[Lip sighs]
Okay, so Aunt Oopie...
she can't be
Fred's guardian, Tami.
No, yeah.
I know.
She's racist as fuck.
I thought it would get
more subtle with age, but...
What's with the third person?
"Aunt Oopie's here."
"Aunt Oopie baked."
I know.
She's weird and sad.
Doesn't mean that Aunt Oopie
can't babysit, right?
It's not like Fred understands
what she's saying.
[chuckles]
I don't think his hearing
even works yet.
[sighs]
What if something
happens to us?
We don't have anyone
to be Fred's guardian.
So nothing'll happen to us.
Make a deal right now...
neither one of us will die.
[spits]
[laughs]
♪ rock music ♪
[spits]
♪ 'Cause I think I feel
the same as you ♪
Deal.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, all I want is you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, all I want is you ♪
Hey, jaywalking's illegal.
[laughs]
Buzz off.
You sure you want
to say that to me?
Beat it before you get hurt.
[whistles]
♪ rock music ♪
- [Taser clicking]
- [groans]
♪♪♪