Shameless (2011–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - Sparky - full transcript

[birds tweeting]

Oh, for shit's sake,
you already forgot

what happened last week
on Shameless?

Would you just pay attention?

[car engine rumbles]

What?

We're all gonna die eventually.

[Debbie] Oh, my gosh,
you marry rich?

I got a good lawyer.

It's child support,
and all the fathers contribute.

I would definitely revisit
that Derek situation.

[Pepa]
Derek is dead.

This is about Franny,
Derek's daughter.

She deserves
his death benefit.

Derek's widow
seems to have forgotten

that Franny's
one of his children too.

Yeah, well, my job
is to make sure she remembers.

You ready to get paid?

Yeah.

[Frank] You can't go
in that bathroom right now

and rub one out
in under three minutes.

[Randy] It says
you'll never come forward

to claim any
paternity rights.

Usually there's some...

exchange of funds
when rights are signed away.

How's 5K
for your trouble?

I'd be a lot less trouble
for 10.

I'm Sarah.
I have three kids under five.

He likes you.

We meet at the end
of the hall,

last door on the left,
if you ever want to come by.

[Debbie]
How's she doing?

[Lip]
She's got a bad infection.

All jacked up on drugs.

[Lip] What are you doing?
Why didn't you call me?

I would have come
to pick you up.

[Carl]
What's going on?

speaking Spanish

[Carl] If you need a place
to lay low for a while,

you can stay at my house.

- Really?
- Yeah, of course.

I'm not gonna let you
sleep in a rail yard.

Thank you, Carl.

[Carl] You know, when I said
you could stay here,

I didn't mean
your entire family.

Sorry.

[door slams]

From the parole board.

I have a hearing
on the 10th.

I thought I'd be here
at least a year, didn't you?

You're not throwing
your fucking parole for me.

We need to get you the hell
outta this shithole.

I wanna be with you!

You don't get to be.

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪ percussive music ♪

[inhales sharply]

Fuck, that shit's strong.

♪♪♪

♪ funky bass music ♪

[line trilling]

- [Fred crying]
- [Tami] Okay, okay.

[phone ringing]

Diapers, where's diapers?

[Fred continues crying]

[phone ringing]

What?

[Lip]
Hi, how's it going?

I dropped him in a pile
of beer bottles.

Broken glass everywhere.

Franny's giving
him mouth-to-mouth,

but it's not looking good.

That why he's screaming?

He's screaming because
he's a baby, Lip. Bye.

♪ I wait at night ♪

♪ Waited for you ♪

♪ But I was waiting in vain ♪

♪ You left me solo... ♪

Thanks.

[door slams]

♪ Filling up with the rain ♪

♪ So fill the water ♪

♪ To the sky ♪

[Lip]
Hey.

How was prison?

Turn you gay?

[Ian] Yeah, I'm a big ol'
cock hound now.

You know, if you weren't
my brother, I'd--

[guard] Shut the fuck up
and get out here.

[gate buzzes]

♪ Feet's "Ad Blue" playing ♪

♪ upbeat funky music ♪

Smells like caramel.

It's crème brûlée, actually.

Got one of these
vape things from Carl.

Trying to quit smoking
for Fred.

Aren't those things
worse for you?

Yeah, you know they market
these to kids, you know?

Bastards would
have one in Fred's hand

if he could hold anything
bigger than a rattle.

Where is
the little guy, huh?

May or may not be lying
in a pile of glass.

Huh?

He's with Tami.

She wanted to take care
of him alone today.

Oh.

Sorta hoping
you'd bring him.

Yeah, I would have
felt better if I did.

Tami's not exactly
a natural caretaker.

But, hey, what do you
wanna do, huh?

Wanna get some
White Castle or...

Ah, you know, actually,
just want to head home,

see everybody,
meet the kid.

I missed everyone.

Soft bitch.

The fuck
you got a lady car?

Well, it's Tami's car.

It's kinda cute,
though, right?

Oh, we're saying words
like, "cute" now,

are we, Pops, huh?

Yeah, we're saying words
like "cute."

[Tami]
Has anyone seen my breast pump?

- This baby refuses to eat!
- [Fred crying]

God, my boobs
are gonna explode.

And this is me
at target practice.

I kept lining
my sight up all wrong,

but then Mitch
helped me and--

- [overlapping chatter]
- [Fred crying]

Uh, are you
listening to me?

Yeah, uh-huh.

[Kelly]
What's with you and JLo?

- [Carl] Who, Anne?
- [Kelly] Uh-huh.

She's just a friend
from work.

He shit again.

Why is Anne here?

'Cause we're hiding her
from ICE.

Her family's
gonna get deported

to one of those facilities
south of Texas.

And I think I'm, like,
a Democrat now or something.

Democrat?
[laughs]

You're so funny, Carl.

[Anne]
speaking Spanish

Can Amalia
still watch Franny today?

- [Anne] Yep.
- [Debbie] Cool.

- [all exclaim]
- [Liam] Ew!

[Tami]
Oh, grow up, you guys.

We all poop.

[Debbie] Yeah,
we don't all change

our shit-filled underwear
in the kitchen.

[Frank]
I've done it.

It's closer to
the washing machine.

Just drop that
dirty sucker in there.

One of ya hits wash
eventually.

[Carl] Hey, what's
with the backpack?

It's for carrying things,
genius.

[Debbie]
It's Franny's.

If I find any sex
or drug paraphernalia in there,

I'll kill you in your sleep,
Frank.

[cell phone chimes]

Shit, Lip texted.

Ian just now
got out of prison.

It'll be at least
another hour.

- I'm gonna miss him.
- Where you gonna be?

[Debbie] Got a meeting
with my lawyer

for Franny's
death benefit money.

You taking that shitbox you
bought with our rainy day fund?

That shitbox has four wheels
and a working engine,

so, yes, I'm taking it.

Well, I'm gonna be here
making tamales.

And spending time
with me.

I'm only here for 48 hours.

[Debbie] Who's gonna buy
decorations for Ian's party?

Liam?

Can't, city basketball clubs
are recruiting today.

Todd can't keep his offers
straight, so I'm managing him.

Okay, well, here's 60 bucks.

Manage to scrounge up
some party supplies.

Make 'em good.

Hopefully it's the last

"welcome home from prison"
party we'll ever throw.

[Abuela]
speaking Spanish

- Hey, I'll take them to her.
- [Kelly] But--

[door slams]

Hey, here you go.

Gracias.

Hey.

Kinda weird that Kelly
showed up here.

I didn't realize she'd come
back before Christmas, right?

It's all good.

She's on 48-hour leave anyway,

so it's gonna be, like,
three days before she leaves?

I'm cool.

Cool as in...

As in I ain't
a side piece.

Where you going?

Cornmeal run.

You need a hand?

Isn't your brother
coming out of prison?

Yeah, we'll make it back
before they even get here.

Come on,
let me come with you.

[Kelly]
Me too.

[Anne sighs]
Great.

- [Kelly] Great.
- [Carl] Great.

speaking Spanish

speaking Spanish

Tamales for sale, muchachos!

Get 'em while they're caliente.

No outside
food or drink, Frank.

[Frank] Try one, Kev-o,
on the house.

We're the house.

- Oh, my God.
- [Frank] Huh?

So can I sell 'em here?

No.

[Frank] Can I trade 'em
for beers at least?

Four per beer.

[Frank]
That's only ten beers.

That won't get me
through the hour.

Don't haggle with a woman

who looks this fly
in a power suit.

[Frank]
Fine.

[Tommy]
Why are you so gussied up?

She's dealing drugs.

[Veronica]
I'm selling pharmaceuticals.

Gluvandia, diabetes
and hypertension relief

packed into a single pill
instead of two separate ones.

Black doctors
don't like my friend Mimi

'cause she's too Asian
and a little bit racist,

so I'm taking a crack at making
some preschool tuition money.

[door creaks]

- [Kev] Yo, Mas!
- Hey.

[Kev] What are you doing
all the way down here?

Came to check on you.

I didn't see you
at the memorial.

Memorial?

For Kenny.

He threw himself
in front of an L train.

Holy shit.

Who's Kenny?

[Kev]
Point guard for our

middle school basketball team
back in the day.

Why'd he do it?

Looks like he couldn't
deal with

what Coach Dickey
did to him.

[Kev] What did Coach
do to him?

You know, he, uh...

he touched him.

With his inspirational talks?

I mean, the guy could
Jimmy Valvano

the shit out of
a halftime speech.

He means
dribbled his balls.

Beat his buzzer.

Nailed one
from downtown.

He touched his dick, Kev.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Coach molested Kenny?

Yeah, I mean,
he molested all of us:

me, Gomez, Jamal.

What?

Danny O., Danny K,

Feldman, Sampson.

[Kev]
So, like, everyone?

[Mas]
You too, right?

Well...

Lawyer's putting together

a class action suit
against the city.

Says we could each
get ten grand.

Ten grand?

Excuse me, Mas.

- Sure you weren't molested?
- No.

Why the hell not?

I don't know.

[bag thuds]

[Kelly] Mitch really kept me
going on those 20-mile hikes.

[Carl]
Wait, just the two of you?

No, a full squad.

But he stayed on me
the whole time.

Oh, and he coached me
on the flight simulators.

I took out the tower
on the aircraft carriers

three times coming in before
he helped me land safely.

Sounds like Mitch can
really nail a landing strip.

[Kelly]
Oh, plebe summer is just

all about learning
how to work as a team,

and Mitch is just
such shit at orienting

- that I had to help him.
- [phone ringing]

[laughs]

Um, I gotta take this.

[bag thuds]

Sounds like your girlfriend
has a boyfriend.

What?

Mitch?

- [truck gate slams]
- Hey, uh, is it okay

if we stop at a pharmacy
on the way back?

I need to pick up
some penicillin.

Penicillin?

[Kelly] Yeah, it looks
like I have strep.

Going around
the academy.

Is that cool?

- It's cool.
- Cool.

Hmm.

[Lip] I don't think
I've ever cared

about anything so much.

You know, I mean,
I'm giving up smoking

for the little guy.

I get it, man.

You know, I almost gave up
my parole for--

And it was tough
leaving him this morning.

He hadn't eaten yet,
right, and Sarah and I,

we've developed this
kind of schedule, right,

feeding, nap, feeding, nap.

Who's Sarah?

Sarah, she's a chick from
the Mommy AA group, three kids.

Anyway, Tami hasn't figured
out nursing with Fred yet,

you know,
so the schedule's all blown.

Schedules, they're so important
with infants, you know?

Not really.

I'm sorry, man.

It's boring parent shit.

No, hey, come on.

All right.

[chuckles]

[Lip] So how have you
been, huh?

Yeah, how's Mick?

Well, Mickey and I went through
a rough patch for a while,

but...

You comin' in?

Come in, no, no,
I can't, no.

Tami says if I come home
before the end of work,

she'll rip my face off,
so, uh...

[chuckles]

Hey, you wanna hang out
during my lunch break?

You know, we can
grab some brats,

and I'm buying.

I gotta meet
my parole officer.

- Fuck, today already?
- That's what they tell me.

All right, well, come on.
I'll drive you.

It's in a couple hours.

Maybe not.

Okay.

Hey, welcome home, man.

Thanks, man.

[upbeat Latin music
blasting over speakers]

Look, I can feel
this thing killing me.

Man, just take that.

Take that away.
I don't want it.

Ah, fuck, gimme it back.
Gimme.

♪♪♪

Is it Cinco de Mayo in here?

Oh, Carl's trying
to bone some girl.

Hope you like tamales!

♪♪♪

Hola.

♪♪♪

Hello?

Do you know where Carl is?

Como?

Ah.

Hello?

Uh, uh, Debbie or Carl?

[man]
speaking Spanish

[all murmur]

Hey, Carl!

[Latin music continues faintly]

Hey, Debbie.

Of course she took
Fiona's room.

Liam.

Ah!

- Oh, shit, Jesus.
- Sorry.

Yeah, hi.

You're Ian, hi.

- Hey, Tami, hi.
- Hi.

That's Freddie.
Hi, I'm Uncle Ian.

Yeah, all right, listen,
I'm covered in baby barf.

I swear this kid hates me.

Um, is it okay if we do

the whole meet and greet
thing later?

- Yeah, no, totally.
- Okay, thanks.

Can you get
the door behind me?

- Yeah.
- Thanks!

Yep.

[Latin music continues faintly]

Welcome home, Ian.

I fast-tracked a summons
for Derek's widow

to get her to negotiate
Derek's death benefit,

but she won't open the door
for the process server.

They can't find her
at work?

Work?
She's a stay-at-home mom.

Little bitch.

We need to hire a PI
to stakeout the house.

She'll have to come out
sooner or later.

I've got a guy who'll do it
for a couple of hundred a day.

Day?

To sit on their ass
in a car?

I'll do it.
My union's on strike.

Could take a while.

When there's money involved,

a Gallagher's got
nothing but time.

[overlapping chatter]

Hola, mamas grandes.

[door slams]

Hey, Telma, you--you think
I could bum a couple of those?

[Telma]
speaking Spanish

No!

[Telma]
No.

Well...what if I was to promise

to come visit you again tonight
after your abuela is asleep?

Shh!

speaking Spanish

What's goin' on?

Benicia just told Victor
he's the father of her child.

This is why
the brown countries

will always remain
Third World, Franny:

no depths
to their storytelling.

[woman on TV]
Ay, mi amor!

[Randy]
Frank!

Ingrid left me.

These babies are yours.

You have to take them back.

[babies babbling]

Frank.

I'm heading to my sales calls.

Where'd Mas go?

[Kev]
Gone.

He's gonna bring
the whole team back later

and we're gonna hoist
some beers in Kenny's memory.

Aha.

Here, team photo.

Let me ask
you guys something.

If you were a pedophile, which
one of these kids would you

diddle inappropriately
if you had to choose one?

Come on, Kev.

[Tommy]
That one.

What is wrong with you?

Lookit that VPL.
It's huge.

VPL?

Visible penis line.

[Kev] What? No.
What about this kid?

[Veronica] Who is that,
the assistant coach?

No, it's me.

Look at me.
I'm hot.

You're the size
of a linebacker.

No self-respecting pedophile
would have touched you.

How much self-respect
do you think a pedophile has?

[Kev] The lockers
had open-pit showers.

Coach saw me plenty of times
all soppin' wet,

ready for the taking.

You sure
you weren't molested?

Repressed memories
are real.

I'd remember if he touched me.

Fuck being touched.

For ten grand,
you took it up the ass.

Find that memory, Kev.

It's buried in there
somewhere.

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

♪♪♪

Yo.

[Brad]
You still smoking that thing?

Think I'm addicted.

You and every other
junior high school girl.

Mint? Cotton candy?

Those marketing teams
are criminals.

I'd say throw 'em in jail,
but then what would we do with

all the black dudes locked up
for marijuana possession?

Hey, um, how good was Cami
at--at being a mom,

you know,
like right off the bat?

- Cami?
- Yeah.

She was, uh...

Spectacular.

Spectacular.

Most natural mother
in the world.

Thank you.

Definitely never
left her baby

in a shopping cart
at Costco.

Got halfway home
before she realized...

I got two blocks.

They called
child services.

We actually had
to take a parenting class.

Okay, but--but Tami,
though, uh?

- [Brad] It'll be a disaster.
- [Cami] Gonna be great.

She had four pet rabbits

at different points
during her childhood.

None of them
survived a month.

What are you
worried about, Lip?

[Lip] Look, it's just
I--I've known Tami for,

what, like a year now,
and, I don't know,

I've very rarely seen her,
uh, nurturing side, you know?

I've known her
for 26 years,

and what she lacks
in nurturing,

she makes up for
in competence.

[Brad]
Why don't you tell him

what happened
to the fifth rabbit?

What happened
to the fifth rabbit?

I definitely lost my way,

you know,
blowing up a van

and becoming a gay icon
and whatnot.

[clears throat]

I--I sort of fell
out of step with my family,

and as crazy as my family is,

they definitely
keep me grounded,

so it'll be good
to be back with them,

you know,
keep me out of trouble.

And--and plus, I've been
consistently taking my meds--

Okay, great, thanks.

I'm gonna need you
to pee in this cup.

Drug test.

Don't you want
to hear about--

Rather swallow screws.

Come on, let's go
take a tinkle.

[whistles]

Do I need to do this
in front of you?

Nope, I'm gonna do it.

All right,
come on, Sparky.

- Jesus.
- Close the door.

Come on.

Step up here so it looks like
you're taking a piss

in case one of those
goody-goodies

starts looking under
the stall door.

Whoa.

- [zipper unzips]
- Whoa, whoa, I--

Oh, I see the carpet
matches the drapes.

You know, you don't
have to do this for me.

My piss is clean.

Yeah? Well, I did a shitload
of coke this morning,

and I'm gonna send this to
the lab with your name on it

or not, depending on your level
of cooperation.

You got it, Sparky?

It's Ian.

Well, guess I'm
sending in mine then.

No, no, Sparky's great.

Now, you were an EMT
before you were Jesus, right?

Yeah.

Take that and wait outside
for a second.

I feel like I'm starting
to crap a little bit.

♪ 3 One Oh's "She's On Fire"
playing ♪

♪ upbeat guitar music ♪

♪ That girl's a problem,
call the police ♪

[door slams]

♪ She's a fire
looking for gasoline ♪

Hey, Pepa!

What do you want?

Just want to talk.

- [Pepa] Is that a summons?
- No.

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Her heart
is blacker than black ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

- [mace whooshes]
- [screaming]

Ah! Ah!

- [engine revs]
- [tires squeal]

[Pepa]
Fuck you, Gallagher!

♪ She's on fire ♪

This single pill

decreases glucose production
in the liver,

stimulates the pancreas'
natural insulin production,

and combats
high blood pressure.

It's a no-brainer.

Mm-hmm, and how does it

decrease glucose production
exactly?

Well, there are these little
particles called vandias,

and they have a powwow with
the glucose particles and say,

"Hey, little glucose particles,
make sure"--

So clearly you don't know
anything about this drug.

[scoffs]

You're just another
pharma rep

who thinks she can dupe me
into pushing her new drug

on a community
that doesn't need it.

Hold on, I may not
know the science,

but last I checked,
that was the doctor's job,

and as for what this community
needs, I grew up here,

and I know that diabetes
is a problem,

I know that high blood pressure
is a problem,

and I know that trying to keep
so many medications straight

as you get older is a problem.

It's a matter
of affordability.

Okay, our people on the
South Side can't afford it.

Most of our people are covered

by Medicaid, Medicare,
and city worker insurance.

And who do you think pays
for Medicare and Medicaid?

We do when the taxman
comes knocking.

And I reckon from
the BMW out front,

you are in a great position
to pick up the slack.

So we're gonna
get personal now?

You wanna get personal?

If this one pill had
been around when my daddy

was juggling two pills and
three jobs at the age of 74--

[breath catches]

[tearfully]
He would still be here

to be a grandfather
to my little girls.

Don't cry.

Hey, please,
please don't cry.

I--I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry, Miss...

Fisher,

Veronica Fisher after my daddy,
Victorious Fisher.

♪ upbeat percussive music ♪

So it's one pill
instead of two, huh?

♪♪♪

Okay, thanks.

So, Salma, why should Todd
be a Rooster?

- Well, little man--
- Liam will be fine.

Sorry, Liam.

Not only are the Roosters
the city champions;

we're also sponsored by Apollo,

the fastest growing
shoe brand in the country.

So I can make sure that Todd
and you, as his manager,

are outfitted with all the
Apollo gear you'd ever need

from now all the way through

his inevitable career
in the pros.

Interesting.
Martin?

Well, big man,

the South Side Slayers

are essentially
a de facto farm team

for all the big
Carolina universities.

So if my man Todd here makes it

through one of the school years
without blowing out an ACL,

we can all but guarantee him an
eight-figure endorsement deal

sponsored by Champion

and a shoe line
with his name on it.

Dude, that's not my name.

His name's Todd Bryerson.

♪ upbeat music ♪

♪♪♪

Great, we'll consider
your offers.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

I've got a welcome home party
to plan for this evening.

[Salma]
Do you need some grub for that?

'Cause I'm tight with
the owner of Bruna's on Oakley.

I can have the catering-sized
premium pastas

delivered to you
within the hour.

You like ribs?

I own Ribs For Less
up in Wicker Park.

I can have you trays
of the finest 'cue,

whatever barbecue you want.

Interesting.

Let's talk decorations.

Kibble, JoJo,
got a new friend for ya!

Shelly! Shelly!

Hey, what's the deal
with Paula?

The deal is,
you're fucked.

[Paula]
Sparky.

♪ Sparky ♪

[indistinct radio chatter]

Sparky, Shelly,
Shelly, Sparky.

She's your boss.

Well, vice boss
'cause I'm your boss.

Stick it to him, Shel.

Hmm. Oh.

Jesus.

Such a bitch.
I love it.

Looks like the old Sparky
had a few pounds on you,

but I ain't buying
a new uniform, so get dressed.

We're heading out.
[claps hands]

All right, mount up
and let's go!

[doors slam]

[engine turns over]

Holy shit.

In the middle
of this psychotic break,

she hands me the babies,

jumps off the cruise ship,
swims towards shore.

Adventurous.

It's what I loved
about her.

I haven't heard
from her since.

Oh, she'll come back.

Even still, is she
the type of person

that should be
raising babies?

Joan Crawford's kids
turned out okay.

[babies crying]

I didn't sign on
to raise your children, Frank.

Well, in fact,
you did, padre.

You took the love of my life
and our embryos.

You gave me ten grand
to never bother you again.

That deal was contingent

on Ingrid being here
to help raise them.

She's not. Take them back.
They're yours.

Well, the joke's on you.
They're not mine.

They're my son Carl's.

What are mine?

♪ wistful piano music ♪

Thanks for
helping me out.

Anything to get a girl some
money from her baby daddy.

I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of me too.

Okay, lift.

Done.

What, what, what?

♪ Chair Model's "Come On"
playing ♪

Do not forget to take
a picture for proof.

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

[sighs]

♪ I've been, I've been
doin' just fine ♪

♪ And you've been, you've been
doing all right ♪

♪ Let's get together,
get together ♪

Hi, you must be Pepa.

Derek and I were old friends,
and I'm so sorry for your loss.

♪♪♪

Debbie!

Debbie, start the car!

Shit!

- [engine sputtering]
- Fuck!

Drive, girl, drive!

- [car engine grinds]
- [Megan yells]

Fuck you, Gallagher!

[Fred crying]

What, you'll take
your dad's fake tit,

but you don't want
the real deal?

[crying continues]

[phone rings]

- Hello.
- [Tami] I think he's gay.

I have never in my life
had a male human

refuse to take
my tit in its mouth.

Slow down.
What?

Hey, hey, is that Tami?

[Tami]
I'm losing my shit here, Cami.

He hasn't eaten
since Lip left.

I'm starting
to take it personally.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey.

Hey, Freddie
hasn't eaten yet?

It's fine.
He's warming up to it.

He should have eaten
at least three times by now.

Yep, it's great
to know that I failed

at least three times
already today.

Thank you.

Brad, look, I--I gotta take
an early lunch, all right?

[Brad]
I'd leave her alone, Lip.

But my son is starving
to death, okay?

It's not about her.

I promise you, the worst thing
any father can do

is to tell the mother
she's doing it wrong.

Okay, then so you
go talk to her.

You kidding?

She'll stab me.

- [Lip] Okay.
- [Brad] I need a 100/90-19.

Okay.

You're right.

[line trilling]

Hey, hey, it's Lip.
Um...

Look, can you do me
a really big favor?

- [Randy] You tricked me.
- [Frank] I didn't trick you.

[Carl] I didn't know
it was a bet,

and I didn't
have sex with Ingrid.

[Frank]
Well, you jizzed in a cup.

[Carl] Yeah, but was
her vagina in that cup?

[Anne] Yeah, okay,
I'm tapping out.

Okay, if you were to offer me,
say, 200 grand,

I'd be willing
to take them off you.

I--I am not paying you
to take what is already yours.

[Frank]
Now, hold on.

What about a script for
a couple of thousand Percocet?

That would be unethical,
not to mention criminal.

It would be criminal

to leave these babies
with Frank or Carl.

Frank is an addict
and a loser.

♪ loud rock music ♪

♪♪♪

[cash register dings]

[Frank] Boy, they really
are irresistible.

♪♪♪

What the hell?

I'll take one.

[Veronica]
As she lay dying in arms

clutching
her diabetic chest...

Oh, honey.

Wheezing her way through
her third heart attack,

I thought to myself,

"There has gotta be something
I can do about this."

[tearfully]
This is that something.

Gluvandia
is that something.

I will be that something
for you, Miss Fisher.

I will be that something.

Oh.

♪ Once there was
a little boy... ♪

[Mas] Remember when
we got hosed 56 to 20

against those pricks
from Evanston?

[all chuckle]

[Chuckles] Their center was
going to town on your ass, Kev,

until Kenny took out
the guy's knee.

Yeah, Kenny was
a real hero.

- To Kenny.
- [all] To Kenny.

[sentimental music
playing softly over speakers]

Kenny was great.

Hey, what was it about Kenny
that Coach liked so much?

Was it his compact frame,

the way his butt
stretched the cloth out

in those tiny little
shorts?

I don't think it was
anything in particular.

What Coach did to Kenny,
he did to every one of us.

[Chuckles]
We're a team.

We should have been
there for each other.

If we had, maybe Kenny'd
still be around.

[Mas]
Hey, man, it's not too late.

If we talk about
what Coach did to us,

maybe the rest of us
won't feel so suicidal.

[Chuckles]
Fuck it.

He blew me, twice,

after the games at Oak Lawn
and Roseland.

Said it was a reward
for my MVP performance.

Wow.

He gave me a rimjob
in the showers up in Lakeview.

He made me fist him once,
up to the elbow.

Jesus.

Never got that watch back.

Old Swatch
I found on the bus.

Kev?

Well, he...

I can't.
I'm not ready to talk about it.

No, it's okay, Kev.

Look, we're here
when you're ready.

Guys, bring it in.
Come on, team hug.

- Come on.
- [Chuckles] Come on, Kev.

[Mas] This is growth.
This is how we grow.

[Chuckles]
It's all part of the healing.

I got you, brother.

[mouths words]

[engine rumbles]

Is your name really Jolene?

I'm wearing two sets of Spanx
to fit in this uniform.

My name is Yolanda.

All right, stop here.

[phone pad beeps]

[line trilling]

- [woman] Emergency.
- Hi, 911?

I was driving past that
big homeless camp on Stiver.

There's this young woman, looks
like she's having a seizure.

I hope it's not too late.

What's going on?

[man over radio]
This is 911.

We've got a woman seizing
at a homeless camp

under the 90 and Stiver.

Any ambulances in the area?

[Shelly]
This is Emergevac.

We're a block away.
We'll take it.

Game time, kiddos.

[woman]
The ambulance is here.

[Shelly] Not you, Sparky.
You're in training.

[Ian]
I've done this before.

[Shelly]
Oh, we got some nuances.

[gurney clattering]

Have a seat.
Relax.

Get this fib going.

All right, hop to, Kibble,
Weiss Memorial.

Isn't Provident closer?

We get paid by the mile.

[doors slam]

Uh, what?

♪ mellow bass music ♪

♪♪♪

[Shelly]
There you go, honey.

You still on
your parents' insurance?

Yep.

[Shelly] Okay, let's initiate
seizure protocol.

Let's get a mask on her.

I--uh, I ain't getting involved
in insurance fraud.

[Yolanda]
425 liter.

[Shelly]
Defib her.

No, no,
have Sparky do it.

[siren wailing]

Get the fuck out of here.

Don't fuck with me, kid.

- Clear.
- [Yolanda] Clear.

[defibrillator thuds]

- [Shelly] She breathing?
- [Yolanda flatly] Sure.

[Shelly] Let's give her
a King Supraglottic

and shoot her up
with some benzo.

Oxy or Vicodin this time,
honey?

[Liv]
Vicodin, please.

[Shelly] Does she need
an emergency abortion?

- [Yolanda] Looks like it.
- I think she does.

♪♪♪

You will die.

[Fred fusses]

Do you understand that?

[Fred wails]

But if you don't eat,
you will die,

and then Lip will kill me.

You okay with that?

Right, because you hate me.

[Fred crying]

Why do you hate me?

- Huh? Shh.
- [knock on door]

Contemplating infanticide.
Go away.

[Sarah]
I can help you.

[Fred continues crying]

My schedule's
pretty clear today.

Lip send you?

What? No, I just came
to pick up a--

[Fred wails]

Yeah, Lip sent me.

Thanks, but we're fine.

Yeah, I told him it was
a shitty idea to send a woman

to give unsolicited parenting
advice to another woman.

It isn't exactly great
for anyone's self-esteem.

I'll hit the road.

Hey.

Maybe you could help me
get Fred to latch.

Yeah.

♪ Chair Model's "Tiger"
playing ♪

Go.

♪ upbeat funky music ♪

[brakes squeal]

♪ Na, na, na, na,
na, na, whoo! ♪

♪♪♪

You owe me.

Got a house full of pork
tamales with your name on 'em.

I'm still Muslim, Debs.

♪ Let me explain everything
that I'm about to do ♪

♪ Got an application
for the job you used to do ♪

♪ Na, na, na ♪

[Debbie]
You in place?

The eagle has landed, bitch.

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Higher and higher ♪

♪ Catch me,
I'm on fire now ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[Debbie]
Looks like it's go time.

[car alarm blaring]

♪ I'm coming for you ♪

♪ And I want it bad ♪

♪ I'm coming for you... ♪

What the?
Hey!

That's my car!

Hey!

♪ I want it, I want it,
I want it ♪

Hey, Pepa.

♪ Yeah, I want it bad ♪

♪♪♪

Really?

[car horn honks]

♪ But I got to ♪

♪ Money ain't for nothin'
when you get it like I do ♪

♪ Na, na, na ♪

♪ Been up to something,
yeah, somethin' new ♪

♪ I'll be coming for ya
like a tiger on the loose ♪

♪ Higher and higher ♪

♪ Catch me,
I'm on fire now ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Higher and higher ♪

♪ Catch me,
I'm on fire now ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming for you,
and I want it bad ♪

♪ I'm coming for you,
and I want it bad ♪

♪ I'm coming for you,
and I want it, I want it ♪

♪ I want it, I want it ♪

♪ I want it, want it,
want it, want it, ♪

♪ Let me explain everything
that I'm about to do ♪

[Debbie]
Thank you!

♪ Got an application
for the job you used to do ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Poppin' off the scene,
and I got bubblegum to chew ♪

♪ Yeah, you know I'm coming
like a tiger on the loose ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Higher and higher ♪

♪ Catch me,
I'm on fire now ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Higher and higher ♪

♪ Catch me,
I'm on fire now ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming for you,
and I want it bad ♪

♪ I'm coming for you,
and I want it bad ♪

♪ I'm coming for you,
and I want it, I want it ♪

♪ I want it, I want it,
yeah, I want it bad ♪

♪♪♪

[Debbie yells]

[Pepa]
Ow, my back!

Ow, what,
are you crazy?

[camera shutter clicks]

You've been served, bitch!

♪ And I want it bad ♪

♪ I'm coming for you,
and I want it ♪

♪ I want it, yeah,
I want it bad ♪

[Randy] As a psychiatrist,
I cannot express enough

how much psychological damage
we will inflict

on these two siblings
if we separate them.

If you're so worried
about scarring these kids,

maybe you shouldn't be talking
like this in front of them.

[grunts]

[sighs]

What's going on?

I'll explain later.

Figure out which one of these
is the best one.

[Kelly]
Uh...

[Frank]
Randy, need to talk to you.

- What are we doing?
- Frank's got a plan.

But you trust him?

When Frank's
running a scam,

ain't nobody better
to trust.

Oh.

Hey, take a boob out.

Uh, why?

Babies are always hungry.

When they see your boob out,

they'll crawl
across the floor to it.

First one to make it to it,
we keep.

Qué pendejo.

Babies can't see
worth shit,

but they can sniff out
breast milk a mile away.

I thought you were
tapping out.

Well, the sooner
that we solve this,

then the sooner
I can eat in peace.

Neither of us signed up

to be the father
of Ingrid's babies without her,

so if we each keep one,
we're both a little screwed

as opposed to one of us
being massively screwed,

and neither of us
is ready to let go

of Ingrid forever, right?

Don't those babies
remind you of her,

spark of crazy
in their eyes?

They are exuberant
little bastards.

So we both
hold onto the joy

of having at least a bit
of Ingrid in our lives

in the form of
a single little baby,

one baby each,

one.

And depending
how this all goes,

maybe I'll come find you
for the other one.

How what goes?

So what do ya think,
share the joy?

I--I don't know.

Great,
we'll take this one.

♪ upbeat techno music ♪

♪♪♪

[Sarah] Looks like
my work here is done.

Wait, no, no, what if
my nipple slips back out?

Then slip it back in.

He knows how
to take it now.

It's just as much of a learning
curve for him as it is for you.

Look, when I had
my first kid,

I made every mistake
you could make.

Yeah?

And does he
hate you for it?

All my kids hate me,

but they don't have
to like me.

I just have to keep 'em alive

until they can
take care of themselves.

Hey.

- Why'd you do it?
- What?

If you thought
it was a bad idea

to give another woman
unsolicited parenting advice,

why'd you do it?

Because Lip
asked me to.

[Veronica]
And not a day goes by

that I don't look
at my memaw's photo...

[inhales]

And say to myself,
"Gluvandia, V.

Gluvandia."

Wow.

That was
some primo bullshit.

No, it's okay.
I like your style.

I'll prescribe your drug.

Okay.

Pleasure doing business
with you.

Oh, hell, I got so carried away
weeping up a river

that I missed my meeting
with Dr. Robinson.

Dr. George Robinson?

You know him?

Girl, it is
a small community

of black doctors
in this town,

and I've slept
with most of 'em.

George is coming to my place
this weekend for a cookout.

A ton of black doctors
will be there. Come.

It'll be good
for business.

Miss Brenda, are you
inviting me to the cookout?

Miss V, I am inviting you
to the cookout.

[man]
Where you want it?

[Liam]
Those can go in the corner.

Those can go right there.

[man]
Gotcha.

Barbecue, follow me.

[overlapping chatter]

- Right there.
- [man] All right.

So what are we doing
with this baby?

[Frank]
We aren't doing anything.

I'm finding it
a loving home.

"How to sell your baby
on the black market"?

You're selling this baby?

I'm providing a service.

I have several
deserving couples lined up

who don't qualify to adopt
through normal channels.

I'm fulfilling a dream.

I'm a dream fulfiller.

[Carl]
How much?

All indicators
point upwards of 25 grand.

Wait, that was my sperm,

which you procured
under false pretenses.

I want 50 percent,

plus an extra 20
for pain and suffering.

Carl.

I'll give you 30 and 15.

40 and 5.

That's the same thing.

Done, and if this goes well,

we'll go back to Randy
for the other baby.

Deal.

[Ian]
Hey.

Not a bad first day,
Sparky.

Yeah, it was great.

Hey, uh, listen,

I'm gonna talk to Paula
about getting a new job.

You know, I appreciate whatever
it is you're doing here,

but I just
got out of prison.

I wanna fly under the radar,
keep my nose clean, you know?

- Mm-hmm.
Have a seat.

See Kibble out there?

Paula's his PO too.

He asked for
a new job once.

Was five years ago.

He's been here
for five years?

Jolene's been here
for seven,

minus a two-year stint
that Paula got her

thrown back in prison
for threatening to report us.

Both of 'em would've been
outta here in two

if they hadn't
pissed her off.

What'd you get
put away for?

Blew up a van.

Class 2 felony, early release,
what, two years parole?

- Yeah.
- So ride it out.

We bilk these
corporate fucks,

Paula gets her kickbacks,

you're done when
your parole is up,

and we move on
to the next Sparky.

Two years, huh?

Easy-peasy...

If you don't
piss her off.

♪ upbeat salsa music ♪

♪♪♪

What's going on here?

[Liam]
Decorating for Ian's party.

Perfect.

Easiest 60 bucks
I've ever made.

Slayers or Roosters?

Uh, Slayers, I guess.

Thanks.

Shoe size?

Whatever I can steal
from Walmart.

- Tami upstairs?
- [Liam] Yeah.

Thanks, man.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hey.

[whispers]
Hey, you're doing it.

I told you
not to send help.

Our baby hadn't eaten,
Tami.

I don't know what
you want me to do.

Fuck you, Lip.

♪ 3 One Oh's "Confident Woman"
playing ♪

♪♪♪

[Kev]
See that right there?

Right there,
that's your daddy.

You see that?

[chuckles]

Hey, let me
ask you something.

If you were--
would you--

Nah, you're probably not
the right people to ask.

[door creaks]

- Hey, baby.
- [Veronica] Hey.

Hi, my babies.

Hello. Hi.

Why don't you go upstairs
and get ready for a nap?

Daddy and I are gonna
sit and talk for a minute.

I was invited
to the cookout.

I had to kill off
a ton of family members,

but I got commitments
from every doctor I met,

and I'm meeting
more this weekend.

That's great.

I am so happy
for you, babe.

What's up, babe?

Coach didn't love me, V.

He molested every single
one of these kids but me...

Even Dirk,

with his beaver teeth
and his squishy ass.

His beaver teeth
stuck straight down.

He couldn't even
close his mouth.

Kev, being molested is not
the same thing as being loved.

[whispers]
Yeah, I know.

I know that being a kid
was tough on you,

but you're loved now.

The girls love you.

And there is a vivacious,

successful
pharmaceutical entrepreneur

that is going to love you

in ways that's gon'
blow your mind.

Is that you?

- Yeah, baby, that's me.
- [chuckles]

[both giggling]

[Kev]
Mmm.

Oh.

[knock on door]

[Frank]
Hi, I'm Frank Gallagher.

We spoke online.

♪ funky bass music ♪

You think she's gonna
want to settle?

The only reason she'd
call a meeting like this

is if she didn't
want to go to court, so...

You won, Debbie.

Patti knows
how this game is played.

Now that we're
closing the deal,

we need
to discuss payment.

Payment?

You thought this was
pro bono?

I guess I didn't
really think about it.

But, I mean, I'm about
to run into some cash, right?

[Patti]
Damn straight.

So a lawyer
would typically cost

between 200 and 400
an hour.

Dollars?

But since I'm not
technically a lawyer,

- I, uh...
- [Debbie] What?

I highly recommend
the online program

at South Side
Community College.

The classes are great.

She passed most of them.

You're not a lawyer.

[Patti]
Don't worry.

Never lost a case.

How many cases
have you done?

How many kids
have you had?

- Six.
- Six.

- [Debbie] Hi, Pepa.
- Debbie.

[Debbie]
Who are they?

My judge advocates general.

What are
judge advocates general?

Military lawyers.

Like real lawyers?

What's this?

An agreement.

Since Derek listed
the beneficiary

of his death benefit
as his wife and children,

and Franny is technically
one of his three children,

I'm willing to give you
one third of the benefit.

- [Megan] Hey.
- [Patti] See, girl?

In return...

I want full custody
of Franny.

[shouts]
What?

Think about it, honey.

[Kelly]
It's--it's fine.

It's not the first one
I've ever had.

I'll see you in a couple days.

Bye.

That was, uh, my--

It's none of
my business.

What?

Look, not that
I care either way,

but if you gave Carl an STD,
you should tell him.

Why, so he doesn't
give it to you?

No, because he's a good guy
and it's the right thing to do.

[upbeat Latin music
blasting from speakers]

- Hey.
- Hey.

So you know how I probably
gave you strep?

You mean the syph, right?

You knew?

Cassie Chambers gave me syph
in the fifth grade

and said it was strep.

So you're
sleeping with Mitch?

Yeah.

Are you sleeping
with Anne?

No.

But you want to,
don't you?

Yeah.

Does this mean
we're breaking up?

I don't know.

I mean, do we have to figure
this out right now?

Guess not.

Does that mean I can
sleep with Anne?

Well, wait till
your syph clears up.

[Liam]
I think it's Ian.

Come on, come on, come on,
go, go, go!

[woman]
Está aquí. Está aquí.

[all]
Surprise!

Franny's stepmom
is filing for custody.

- Oh.
- [Lip] Wait, Debs.

What? What happened?
What do you mean?

She's just--

[Liam] Guys, come on,
come on, he's here.

He's actually coming.
Come on, come on.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

[all]
Surprise!

Why does it look like
SportsCenter threw up in here?

[Kev]
What the fuck, man?

[Veronica] What kind
of decorations is this?

Who decided this was the theme?

[Carl] Call yourself
a fucking party planner.

[Veronica]
So welcome home.

[Liam]
Sorry, I'm sorry.

[Veronica]
What's wrong with you?

- What happened?
- [Ian] Hey.

We got a family scrimmage here?
'Cause I'm on Liam's team.

[all cheer]

[overlapping chatter]

[Veronica]
Welcome, welcome!

[laughter and chatter]

[Ian]
Come here.

- [Lip] Hey.
- [Ian] Hey.

How'd it go with
the parole officer?

Oh, a total shitshow.

Yeah?

Ah, I think you
can handle it.

Is Tami upstairs?

Yeah, yeah, I went to go
check on her again,

but she started
throwing shit, so...

- Oh.
- Thought I'd give it a minute.

[laughs]

You think it's genetic,

us falling in love
with crazy people?

Frank and Monica.
Me and Mickey.

Me and Karen.

Me and Mandy.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I think
Tami's probably

the least crazy
out of all of 'em.

You gonna marry her?

I don't know.

You gonna marry Mickey?

Fuck no.

[inhales sharply]
You do me a favor?

- Mm-hmm.
- Destroy this.

Hmm.

- I'll see you.
- Yep.

[whispers]
Hey, Debs.

Uh, think I screwed up

telling Sarah
to go talk to Tami.

[whispers]
1,000 percent.

Yeah. Fuck.

You know we're not gonna
let anyone take her, right?

Hi, Franny.

[knock on door]

- Hey.
- Hey.

What happened?

Fred barfed
on my bandage.

Here, you need
some help?

Yeah, sure,
why don't you call Sarah

and see if she can come over

and, like, rip out
my stitches or something?

Is that a yes?

Yeah, sure.

[sighs]

[grunts]

- Here, let me hold him.
- No.

I'm holding him.

Ah.

Can you just...
[groans]

Rip off this old bandage
and slap on a new one?

Sure, yeah,
sure, sure.

[sighs]

Ah.

[L train squeals]

Okay.

It's hot, right?

Do I need, um--

Ah, yeah, peroxide.

[groans]

[exhales]

I'm sorry I sent
Sarah over.

I--I heard you
on the phone with Cami,

and I thought
you needed help.

It's not about me needing help
or not needing help.

It's about my baby liking me
or not liking me, and...

[scoffs]
Clearly, he fucking hates me.

He doesn't hate you,
Tami.

He literally rejected me
all day.

And then Sarah showed up,
and within minutes,

he's sucking on my tit,
peaceful as a sleeping puppy,

you know,
because he likes her.

While I was in the hospital

having my guts
stitched back into me,

he was bonding with his father
and another woman.

He'll bond with you,
all right?

Just give it time.

You bond with Frank yet?

[exhales]

I never bonded
with my mother,

and then she died
of cancer.

I just--I don't wanna
die on this kid

and have him feel like he
never even had a mom at all.

Ointment.

Look...

you almost died
giving birth to this kid.

He's tied to you forever.

Almost dying was easy.

No.

He owes you.

I'll make sure
he knows that.

♪ Food Court's
"I've Been Wrong" playing ♪

♪ jangly rock music ♪

♪ Yeah, I've been wrong ♪

♪ For far too long ♪

♪ And I've been wrong ♪

♪ And that's all right today ♪

♪ Yeah, I've been wrong ♪

♪ For far too long ♪

♪ Yeah, I've been wrong ♪

♪ And that's all right today ♪

♪♪♪

♪ 'Cause I'm sure
we barely live today ♪

♪ Speak the truth,
you'll be all right ♪

♪ Take forever,
prove me wrong ♪

♪ All the things I've heard,
I know, I know ♪

♪♪♪

Why, Coach?
Why?

Did you not find me
attractive enough?

Wha--wha--were you--
were you scared

because I outweighed you
by 30 pounds?

I never touched you

because I never touched
any of you boys.

I never touched anyone
inappropriately

in my entire life.

Wait a minute,
are you...

Are you jacking off
to me right now?

No!

Yes!

♪ Away we go ♪