Shameless (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Three Boys - full transcript

* Think of all
the luck you got *

* Know that it's not
for naught *

* You were beaming once before *

* But it's not like that
anymore *

* What is this downside *

* That you speak of? *

* What is this feeling
you're so sure of? *

* Round up the friends you got *

* Know that they're
not for naught *

* You were willing once before *

* But it's not like that
anymore *

* What is this downside *

* That you speak of? *

* What is this feeling *

* You're so... sure of? *

I wasn't even thinking
about getting married

until he brought it up.
Now I'm, like, obsessed.

Phillips.

Wasn't he drunk
when he proposed?

Oh, yeah. It was like that
David Hasselhoff video,

eating a cheeseburger.

I never saw that.

Oh, you gotta YouTube it.

It's like a car wreck...
you can't not watch.

You really want a drunk proposal

to be the story you tell
your grandkids?

My husband proposed to me

at the top of the Sears Tower.

Champagne and roses.

Six months into the marriage,

I found out he was
fucking my sister.

And the moral of the story is?

My sister's a bitch.

Other than the presents
and the booze,

give me three good reasons
why you want to get married.

Lots of people who
love each other

get married every day, Fiona.

I don't know, V.

The way things are between
you and Kevin right now,

it seems perfect.

Why ruin it?

What do you get for that?

What?

What are they paying

for the neck thing, disability?

674 bucks a month.

That's what I get.

But look, I can do this.

While I admire your commitment,
I gotta tell ya,

it's a bit over the top.

I told 'em I get migraines.

Genius, huh?
Huh?

Try proving I don't have 'em.

I bet it itches like
you got crabs in there.

Kev, come out.

You done?

Why are we getting married?

What?

Other than the presents

and the booze, can you tell me

three good reasons why you
want to get married?

Not really.

Wait a minute... this isn't
one of those tests, is it?

One of those woman things

where I'm supposed
to change your mind?

If it is, you just failed.

You saying you don't want
to get married?

No, I mean, things between
us are pretty great.

I don't want to ruin it.

What would we tell people?

That the wedding's off.

No one's damn business why.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, great then.

Guess I gotta tell Mama.

Oh, yeah.

That's gonna suck.

She's on her way over to talk
about the blessed event.

I am gonna miss getting
a free KitchenAid mixer.

Can we still
register for gifts,

even though you're
not getting married?

I got a gift for ya.

Yeah?
Mm-hmm.

* Here comes the bride,
all dressed in white! *

Which I think you can
still get away with, baby.

Hey, Mama.

Oh, I can't believe it!
Oh, I can't believe it!

I can't believe this!

What happened?

Nothing happened, Mama.
We just deci...

How could you do this to me?
Look, Mama,

nothing's gonna change.
Kev and I are still together.

Yeah, Mama...
Don't call me Mama.

We're just cutting out
all the paperwork, right?

You know, and besides, until
gay people can get married

in this state, I'm not gonna.

You know this isn't what
your father wants.

You know that, don't you?

Daddy's dead, Mama.
He doesn't really want anything.

Your daddy, rest his soul, wants
to see his little girl married.

Look, Mama...

That's why he set aside a little
something for you for once you

finally settled down.
A little what?

Your daddy left you money
for your first home

once you got married.
A house?

Yeah, he thought
it might keep you

from being somebody's baby mama.
How much?

I don't know! He wanted
the envelope opened

on your wedding day.

Now I guess we'll never know.

I just... I never knew
how much it meant to Daddy.

The world.

Maybe we should
reconsider, babe.

But what about the gay people?

They got their parades.
They can wait.

It's hot. I'm hot.

Are you guys hot?

Hot!

Coming!

Hey.
Pee.

Oh, it's fresh?

Clean as a whistle.

Thanks, Fiona... you have
no idea what this means to me.

Means you get to smoke weed

and keep your government
job, and I get to eat.

It's lasagna,
straight from the oven.

It's still warm.
So's this.

Keep it that way,
if you want to pass.

Lunch!

Eat it or miss it, people!

Thanks. Bye.

What, more piss food?

You know it.
All right!

Cup-a-lasagna, anyone?
Right here.

Who was on dishes today?

Uh, I'll get
them after lunch.

Hey, Debs, you
ready to go to Target?

Yeah, sure.

What's that smell?

It's either vomit
or fancy cheese.

It can be both if you want.

Target?

Deb's gonna go help me register
for wedding gifts.

I thought the wedding was off?

Back on.

Kev know?
Uh-huh.

Oh!

Hey-hey!

Mmm... damn.
You tell that girl Sonny I will

crap on a paper plate for her

if it'll get me
some of this grub.

Francis Gallagher. Yeah.

Drop your pants.

I don't see how that has
any bearings on my migraines.

Me neither, but it's on
the State form.

Drop 'em, sailor.

Yeah.

Still cold.

Cough.

Again.

Again.

That's weird.

Have you ever done
a testicular self-examination?

Oh, God, no.

I say leave those three
bad boys down there alone.

Yeah, well, that's the problem.

Should only be two testicles
invited to this party.

What's this?

I need you and your testicles

back here tomorrow
for a biopsy.

So, I got an extra passenger
on board.

What's the big deal?

Normal number's two.

Not for me.
Third guy's always been there.

He's my lucky charm.
Gave me six kids.

Mmm. Probably benign then.

You're smart not to worry
till you do a biopsy.

Gives you something
to worry about.

Yeah.

Uh, pretty sure you can't bring
a baby into a bar, ma'am.

And I'm pretty sure you can't
get married if you already are.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Why the hell
doesn't she know yet?

'Cause... I'm afraid to tell her.
Kev...

I don't want to
make her sad, Fi.

It would break my heart
to hurt her.

Just tell her the truth, Kev.

If you don't, I will.

Can you hit me
with a milk refill?

The devil's in my balls, Billy,

and he's comin'
for the rest of me.

Let's hope he can swim.

Why, Billy? Why me?

Because you're
an asshole, Frank.

Doc says it's probably benign.

Look at Lance Armstrong.
He had that ball cancer.

Yeah, he ends up fucking
a rock star.

That's right!
That's right! See?

Hey, baby!

Hey-hey!

How you doing?

Okay, I know that
this is silly,

but I'm really starting
to get excited

about this whole wedding thing.

The gifts and the wedding

and being Mrs. Kevin Ball.

You know old man
Parson's place on Fifth?

I think we should buy it.

What?

You know, the one where
the son went crazy

and hit him with an axe?

It's for sale and
I think we should start,

like, getting
our stuff together...

all the loans and
credit scores and all that.

What's the matter, babe?

I'm sure they got
the blood cleaned up by now.

I can't marry you, Veronica.

I'm already married.

She's beautiful.

She's a head case.

She used to throw plates at me.

She couldn't handle her booze.

That's how I got the scars
on the back of my neck.

Baby, you have no idea

how many times I wanted to
tell you over the years,

but the more time went on,
the more unreal it all seemed.

Look like a douche bag
with that mullet.

Oh, I can't believe this.

Guess we can forget
about buying a house.

KEVIN Yeah.

Maybe not.

What do you mean?

You don't actually have
to get married, do you?

I mean, your mom
wants a wedding.

So, give her one.

I could get ordained online.

Then we just don't file
the license with the state.

A fake wedding.

Why not?

You'd still be married.

It just won't be legal.

Yeah, but what's
the point then?

All the free shit, baby!

Oh. Oh, damn!

Oh, baby, come on.

That would've sucked.

Showing up at your wedding
fucking paralyzed and shit?

Yeah. Oh, shit.

Looks a bit like Top Ramen
in there, doesn't it?

Sweetie, would you like
me to come with you

to your the biopsy?

No, it's probably nothing.

A benign cyst.

An ingrown hair.

Yes, I think you're right.

You're gonna be just fine.

Why the hell are you crying?

I knew it was
too good to be true.

You're gonna die.

Jesus, Sheila,
I'm not gonna die.

I haven't even had
the biopsy yet.

It was probably that
nut-vise sex toy

of hers that gave
you the damn cancer.

I'm gonna need the house
next week for Bible study.

We're doing the
Passion Play again.

It might get noisy.

I have two plots

at Oak Woods Cemetery.

One was for Eddie.

Nothing would make me happier

than to bury you
in one of them.

Wait there for me.

Oh, God, I'm gonna die.

He married your father and I,

Aunt Rochelle, Uncle Bobby,
and cousin Jimmy with the...

you know, that
first wife of his,

the one with the cleft palate.

A cleft palate

is merely the mark God leaves

when he kisses a person

before they're born.

That girl's mama
just skipped the folic acid.

I'm gonna need you both

to come to my weekend
Engagement Encounter retreat.

It covers all of the.

Pre-Cana material necessary

for you to be married
with God's blessing.

Uh, could you excuse us
for just a second, please?

Might be kind of fun to do
it at a church outing, huh?

Veronica, that man
in there is a priest.

He's gonna require a license.

A marriage license.

And I'm pretty sure
bigamy is still a felony

in the state of Illinois.

Why did you let your mom
drag us down here?

You know that Mama
wasn't gonna take no.

What about Fiona?
Wasn't she gonna marry us?

Relax, baby. I got this.

You know what, Mama?

We already have someone that's
gonna do the wedding for us.

Is this some healing hands,
voodoo, wheat grass jackass?

Because that is not a wedding
in the Lord's eyes.

Go ahead, tell them, Father.

Tell them

that it's not a wedding
in the Lord's eyes.

Well, I know this...

that just like the honeybee,
God has many eyes.

Look, it has to be a priest.

That's what your father
wanted, that's what I want

and that's what the Lord wants.

Wedding's not gonna work.

What happened?

Mama wants a real priest.

Sheila said she'd make your
wedding dress, if you want.

Oh, that's nice, but what
good is a dress

if I don't have a priest?

You could hire an actor.

Remember the guy who played
Elmo at my birthday party?

You remember that?

He took his head off.

It was traumatizing.

You think an actor could work?

You know what?
I could probably get.

Father Pete to do it
if Carl will help.

What's it gonna cost me?

Uh, Karen and I use your place
Friday night?

Done.

Father Pete, the groper?

God willing.

We got hot dogs?

Mmm, no hot dogs.

What?

Excuse me.

Better late than never.

Even better on time.
What's with the costume?

ROTC. I made Cadet
Lieutenant Colonel today.

You did? That's great!
Yeah.

Congratulations.

When I get back,

I want the new stock shelved

with all of the labels
facing the same direction.

Where are you going?

Your head is like a funnel.

The Boy Scout trip
is this weekend.

They have Muslim Boy Scouts?

It's similar. The motto
is still "Be prepared,"

but you learn how
to work with chemicals

instead of tying knots.

The troop is sponsored
by the Baptist church.

They give us free outfits
and overnights,

and we let 'em think
we're assimilating.

Everybody wins.

I'll be back Sunday night.

Lieutenant Colonel?

I'm so proud of you.

It's not that big of a deal.

Linda and the boys are
gone for two nights.

We're gonna have a whole night
together to celebrate.

Oh, God!
Good God!

I'm sorry!

Jesus Christ!

Was that the biopsy?!

I'm
gonna take a look.

I'm just gonna take a look.

Okay, well,

that is definitely better.

I think you're okay.

Well, now, yeah.

I'm just gonna shave you, okay?

I've never been shaved down
there before.

Just doing a small section.

Okay? Oh!

I'm sorry about that.

Maybe I could come back later

and you could shave
the other two.

There. All done.

Ooh! It feels like Spring!

Wish I could say
this wasn't gonna hurt.

You don't have to go
too crazy here, Sheila,

but as close to Vera Wang
as you can get.

You are going to make
a beautiful bride.

Aw, Sheila, you're making
me feel like Cinderella.

Aw...

Screw Cinderella.
Little doe-eyed bitch.

Probably one of the worst role
models for little girls.

I think Cinderella was
a feminist.

The whole idea of marriage is
a useless vestige

of an archaic civilization.

How would you know?

I watched one unravel.

Oh, so one example of a bad one
makes them all bad, hmm?

Hmm? In olden times,
marriage was nothing more

than a legal exchange
of women for property.

Maybe you're being
a little pessimistic.

It's just a piece of paper!

A birth certificate
is just a piece of paper.

And money... money is
just a piece of paper.

But those are pretty valuable.

True.

Hey, Gloria Steinem,
enough of the blah-blah.

Let's talk bachelorette party.

I got that covered,
don't worry.

Oh, you better.
Mm-hmm.

* 'Cause we gonna be doing it *

* Uh-huh, mm-hmm! *
You sing it, lady!

Let's go. Let's go!

Feeling sick,

feeling tired,
seeing more of my oncologist

than I see of my whole family.

The hardest thing for me
to accept is the fact

that I can't fix this.

I'm so used to being the mom,
you know?

The one who takes care
of everyone and everything.

The fixer.

And this is breast cancer.

I can't fix this.

Just knowing your tits are
trying to kill you...

that's gotta suck.

I mean, mine's in my balls.

At least they've got a reason
to be pissed.

Tucked between two legs,
wedged right near your asshole.

There's no good way to sit,
no underwear that's been devised

to hold 'em
effectively in place.

They're a bizarre appendage.

An afterthought.

Which is why I don't believe in
intelligent design.

There is no God.

We're all gonna die.

Why do I have to do it?

'Cause you're the only one

who's young enough
to be an altar boy.

We'll stop him before
anything goes down.

Or anyone.

The Gallagher boys.

If you're here to steal
the noon offering basket,

you're out of luck.

Already off to the bank.
No, no.

Carl here is interested
in being an altar boy.

That's a big responsibility.

Yeah, we know.

We tried talking him out of it,
but he cried and cried,

so we thought we'd bring him in,

see if you thought
he had what it takes.

Hello there, Carl.

Be back for ya in a bit, bud.

Want to watch Scarface
again tonight?

Can't. Got a date.

Ooh, a Mandy date or Kash date?

Kash date.

You're a slut, man.

Shit!

Looks like we have a priest
for V's wedding.

A fake priest?

No, no, priest is real.

We're just not gonna file
the license.

A little immoral,
don't you think?

Like lying to God's face?

Really, Mr. Morality?

Whose car is this that we're in?

It's not like I have
a priest in the back.

Are you still picking up
the cake?

Angelica's Bakery.

Hey, can Kev and V use
this car for their big exit

after the reception?

Uh, yeah, I think
that could work.

I just, I need it back
right after.

Okay.

You can't do anything
bad to it.

And no sex in it.

No sex in it?

I just need this thing
in perfect condition.

All right, Fiona,

I just... Whoa, whoa!

Aw, damn it! Damn it!

Jesus!

Relax, relax.

It happens, okay?

Yeah? What happens,
prison time?

Hey, Fiona.

I thought that was you.

Your uniform looks different.

Yeah, they issued new coats.

See you at Kev and Veronica's
wedding tomorrow?

Yeah. I'm gonna need to see your
license and registration, sir.

What? Why, Officer, sir?

Well, you were
doing 35 in a 25.

And there was some swerving.

That was kind of weird.

Here's my license,
but I actually don't have

the registration.
It's actually my friend's car.

You really are supposed to
have that on you at all times.

Let me see what I can do.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Why did you give him
your license?!

That's not my real license.

Yeah, so now what? We run?

No, that never works.

Jesus, you got me?

Yeah, thanks, buddy.

Well, who's Jesus?

Follow car.
Always use a follow car.

Watch your speed, sir.
See you at the wedding, Fi.

Okay!

Out.
What?

Get out!
Oh!

What about the car?

Taken care of.

My heart's in my
throat right now.

It's adrenaline.
It's kinda cool, isn't it?

I'll see you at the wedding.

What?

Angelica's Bakery, right?
Yeah, right.

I've decided to start
wearing a tie every day.

I could die at any moment.

I thought it'd be nice
to look my best

for the Grim Reaper.
Son of a bitch.

You know what?

Fuck him.

Fuck him!

Why give him the satisfaction?

I'll do it myself.

Take my own goddamn life.

You know...

you know what the real shame

of it is, Kev?

The real shame is there are so
many things I still want to do.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Jesus Christ! I don't know.

I don't know!

How sad is that?

A man who doesn't even know
what he wants to do.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, what's going on?
Yeah, buddy!

What's this?

You gotta wear it tonight
for the bachelor party.

Everyone's gonna be
wearing one.

Andy, get the fuck out of here.
I'm not gonna...

Don't be a dick, dude!
Fuckin' wear it!

Bachelor party?

Yeah, if you wanna go,
you can come.

What's the plan?

Me and my friends are gonna get

wasted and do some stupid shit.

But we gotta get you one
of these.

Awesome.

Is the blindfold
for the element of surprise

or so I don't know
where you live?

A little of both.

Ooh!

* Ta-da! *

Oh...

Oh.

Wow, yeah.

This is your house.

Where you live with Linda...

and the kids.

And now it's our house.

What's wrong?

Sorry.
It's just, it's too weird.

What is?

All of your shit.

It's, it's freaking me out!

It smells like goats
in here, man.

Ian, wait!

But why would she do it

in the first place, Fi?

Because she could!

She was like one of those
weird Chinese acrobats.

Oh! No, those
girls are all tiny

and cute when they do it!

She was like Pippi Longstocking
kissing her own ass!

Jesus!

Dad, what the hell
happened to you?

Cord was too long.

I got three nuts. Gonna die.

What's that
nasty-ass hair about?

Fuck!

* I want to be your jasmine *

* I want to be
your jazzy man! *

Marty?!

Surprise!

I'm the maid of honor at your
fake wedding

and I didn't even know
you had a brother.

There's a
reason for that.

He busted out of prison?
Last night.

What was he in for?

Aggravated assault,
larceny and arson.

Arson? Who we talkin' about?

V's brother.

Oh, is that like
a sibling-brother,

or just a black guy brother?

You remember the fire at
the Curves in the mini mall?

That was him.

He loves setting fire to
things and he hates women.

It was the perfect storm.
He's nuts.

No, I'm serious. He's nuts.
He came at me.

I had to fight my ass off.
Then, one time,

I'm having a brew,
he came up to me,

he's all,
"Ass cunt fuck!" on me.

- Is he retarded?
- I wish.

Tourette's coupled with bipolar
disorder and a drinking problem.

He's a shrink's wet dream.

What are we gonna do?

Kick his ass back to prison

'cause if there's one person
you can always count on

to really fuck things up,
it's Marty.

Bungee jumping, eh?

From the El tracks.

your biopsy
results came back negative.

Tumor was benign,

so you're not gonna die
of testicular cancer.

Oh! Oh, thank God! Oh!

Oh! So, I can keep it?

Yeah. The swelling on the brain
you've probably got going

on in there
might end up doin' you in.

What?!

I'm fuckin' with you.

The bump looks
pretty superficial,

but if you vomit more than
twice, have any seizures

or experience memory loss,
call 911.

Well, what if I vomit
while I'm having a seizure

and have no memory of it?

Tree in the forest, my friend.

What?

You know you can't stay, Marty.

You gotta go back to prison.

Look, Ron,
it's bullshit security.

They practically give you
your own key.

Aren't you risking your parole?

How long did you have left?

18... cocksucker!... months!

Jesus, Marty,
that's no time at all.

It's your wedding day, Ron.

Why don't you go back
and turn yourself in?

Tell 'em it was a mistake.
Blame it on the Tourette's.

Tell them that it
won't happen again.

You know it's for the best.
Faggot!

I'm gonna go get cleaned up,
and we'll have you back

before they even know you left.

Look, I'm not going back, Ron!

It's your wedding day
and I'm not gonna miss your...

shit-pisser... wedding day!

This is the dress that
I will wear this afternoon.

And it will protect me
like this house protects me.

This is the dress.

And today is the day.

And the day is good.

You look nice.

Where are you pretending to go?

I'm going to a wedding today.

I am really gonna do it
this time.

And it's supposed to be
a beautiful day today.

Beautiful and safe and sunny.

The sun's just
a burning ball of fire

that could plunge
from the sky at any time.

I think we should just
let him come to the wedding.

No way. I'm not having that
nutcase at my wedding.

Can you imagine the service?
"Do you Veronica...

"Fucking bitch!... Fisher

"take this man...

"Fuck stick!... Kevin Ball...?"

Uh-uh, no, I'm taking
him back to prison

where he belongs if I gotta drag
his ass back there myself.

Always happens
when he's off his meds.

Right. Give me your dress
so I can steam it.

Behind the door.

No.

Bathroom door.

It's a real pretty dress, Roni.

It'll burn nicely
with all this taffeta.

Oh, Jesus.

You send me back to jail,
this dress goes up!

This house goes up!
We all go up!

Marty? Marty, open the door.

Open the goddamn door!

You're not getting married
without me.

Cock fuck!

He's not doing anything.

He's sitting in there
lighting a lighter.

Oh, my God, he's gonna
burn the house down.

This is what he did
at Granddaddy's funeral.

Gutted out half the hospice.
Maybe we should call the cops.

Kev's right. The house goes up

we're not gonna be able
to get him out of there.

You want me to call
cops on my own brother?

It's always been like this.

Nobody else could ever
be the center of attention.

It's always got
to be about him.

You should be in a nuthouse!

What's going on?

Veronica's brother locked
himself in the bathroom.

He's threatening to burn
the place down. Cool!

He saying that he's gonna
light both the dress and

the shit-sack house on fire.

What's a shit-sack?

All I wanted was
to own my own home

and maybe some small
kitchen appliances

for your, for me,
for our home...

Maybe some kids someday.

I thought you didn't want
to have any kids.

Based on what?

You saying
how much you hate 'em.

Yeah, other people's.

But I might not mind having
a baby Kev runnin' round.

A little "tomorrow person"?

What?

That's what I call
little mixed-race babies:

Tomorrow people.

Little people of tomorrow.

What are we gonna do?

Maybe we should
just call it off.

No, not a chance.

Baby, listen, this our time.

We're gonna get fake married,
and nothing's gonna stop us.

Tomorrow people?

Tomorrow people.

Hey, can you sign in
for me at detention today?

Mrs. Pinder won't notice.
She's almost blind.

You ditchin'?

Kash has something planned.

I thought that was last night.

Was supposed to be,

but he took me to his place,

and it sort of freaked me out.

I mean, I always knew
he had a wife

and a life and everything,
but seeing it and...

and smelling it...

I mean, his life
actually has an odor.

What was that for?

I just felt like kissing
my boyfriend.

Have fun fucking Kash.

Remember when we were little,

and you'd always tag along
with me, wherever I went?

I always looked after you,
didn't I, Marty?

And do you know why?

Because I'm your
big little sister

and I didn't want you to get in
trouble, because I love you.

And that's why I want you
to go back to prison.

But you know what?

I've been thinking about my
wedding, and you know something?

You were right...

'cause my wedding day
wouldn't be my wedding day

without my little
big brother there.

In fact, I'd like you to be
the one to give me away.

Marty?

You mean it?

Cross my heart.

Come here, you little nut.

Ah! Ah!

You bitches!
You bitches lied to me!

I'm gonna burn down your
cocksucking, cockfucker...!

* It's the drugs
and the whores *

* And the voodoo
that set me free... *

Wow. That shit does dry fast.

* Got a rock 'n' roll
heart, baby *

* Burnin' in me. *

Lip, my boy. My oldest boy.

Yeah. Here to pick up Karen.

What's with the vest?

Sheils made it.

Wow...

Look at you.
You look beautiful.

Thanks.

Hi, Lip.

Hi. Does my head look bigger?

Um... I don't think it can get

any bigger, Dad.

I have to keep an eye on it.

Watch for memory
loss and vomit.

More so than usual?

Know what?

I have a second chance at life.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not gonna surround myself
with negative energy.

How about you just show up
at this wedding,

drink
free booze and look happy?

Yes?

All right, Frank, I am ready.

You're coming, Mom?

Yes, I'm coming.

She's not going anywhere.

I've got my purse
and my gift and my gloves

and my selective serotonin
re-uptake inhibitor

and my monoamine
oxidase inhibitor.

I have my anti-anxiety
disco biscuits.

And I am ready to go.

I am really ready.

I'll just get you
a piece of cake, Mom.

That would just be...

...wonderful, sweetheart.

There's just so much
I've gotta get done here.

Ah, that bitch.

What kind of... cock-fuck...
does this to her brother?

May daily problems never cause
you undue anxiety,

nor the desire for earthly
possessions dominate your lives,

but may your hearts' first
desire be always the good things

waiting for you in
the life of heaven.

Amen.

Amen!

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Get it out!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Get some, Father!

Go, Dad! Work it!

Take it down! Take it down!

* Say what you gotta say,
what you gotta... *

* Talk like you mean it, boy *

* Say it like you mean it *

Congratulations on that.

* Say it like you own it... *

Uh, folks, let's face facts.

When it comes to good things,
most of 'em come

in pairs
like your favorite jeans,

new socks and Kevin
and Veronica.

And as it turns out,
most people's testicles.

So here's to the happy couple,
Kevin, Veronica, may you always

only have two testicles
between ya. L'chaim!

L'chaim!

Oh... oh, sweetheart,

may the good Lord
watch over you

in your new home.

Oh, thank you, Mama.

Thank you.

$500?!

Are you fucking kidding me?

We're gettin'
a Barbie house, baby!

Maybe you're making
yourself too available?

You think?

Hey, lady friend,
where the hell is my cake?

Steve is supposed to be here
with the damn thing.

That's the trouble
with the exciting ones.

The unpredictability is what
makes them so exciting,

but it's also what makes them
so damned unpredictable.

He may not be Steve,

but he's here.

Hi.

Hi.

Do you wanna dance?

The Bible is the Word of God,

How can it be the Word
of God passed down

if it was rewritten by King James?
from generation to generation.

It doesn't make any sense.

This was really a perfect day.

I only wish little Marty
could have been here.

You're late...

Dr. Sherman.

Okay, Gallaghers,

you're the only family I got,

so let's put this on film, huh?

Ah.

Wait... Is it on?

It's on. It's on, it's on.

Did it go?
It's not on.

- Go get...
- Aah!

Set it up again, here we go.

Ready?

Okay.
Here we go.

Hey, sexy.

Wait, where's Lip?

Where...? Oh.

Yeah...

Yeah, oh, yeah, give it to me!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah, give it to me!

Oh, you want me to give it to you?
Yes.

Yes, she said she wants you

to give it to her, so just
give it to her already, okay?!

Cock and balls!

And she was a real princess.

Yeah, well, she's dead now.

How's that
for happily ever after?

Asshole.