Shameless (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Killer Carl - full transcript
When a letter from Carl's teacher arrives at the Gallagher home, Fiona is thrown into action to prove it's a suitable domicile for rehabilitating a delinquent.
Last week on Shameless,
this is what we were doing:
Your house is
Frank's wet dream.
Never gonna get him out.
Turns out
I can't afford
to live somewhere else
and support you two.
Why can't you stay
with Uncle Ray?
When I get back, I want the new
stock shelved with all the
labels facing
the same direction.
We're gonna have a whole
night together to celebrate.
This is your house...
where you live with Linda
and the kids.
I'm gay, dude, not queer.
Five hundred and
eight-seven dollars.
I'm taking the PSAT's for some
Polish kid over in Ridgedale?
I told Richie that
your rates went up.
So he's giving you $150.
See you in three hours.
Be out in two.
I am going to a wedding today.
I am really gonna do it
this time.
You're coming, Mom?
I'll just get you
a piece of cake, Mom.
That would just be...
Re-Sync by abc_321
♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not
for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling
you're so sure of? ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're
not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so...
sure of? ♪
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Brush your teeth;
I want to play.
Smoothie.
Thanks.
Hello, Liam.
How you doin', huh?
Didn't Fiona tell you
to stop electrocuting dolls?
They have to pay for their sins.
You almost there?
What?
I got to make lunches.
Oh, tell me more.
Well, first
I cut off the crusts...
- Uh-huh. - ...and then I put
the apple slices in a baggie...
Oh, don't stop.
You look amazing.
Hurry up.
I don't want to go before you.
I already had a couple.
You didn't make a sound.
Big family; thin walls.
When you consider
how humans evolved,
they were probably used
to mating in public.
But one day a pioneer that
really wanted to get freaky...Steve...
What? What?
Steve, I'm late.
Focus.
Damn it! Carl!
It's not me!
Hector's at the pole again!
Hector!
Hey, Hector...
is there any way
that you could...
I can't this time, Fiona.
It's the third red notice
this year. I'm sorry.
Not the first time we got
shut off; won't be the last.
Is there any way that you can
scrape the money together today?
We have it.
She just forgot to pay it.
I took an extra shift yesterday,
and I just spaced it.
Call my cell phone
when you pay it,
I'll swing back at
the end of the day.
Thanks, Hector.
"Arts and Leisure"?
So I can read about
pagan-worshipping actors
complaining about how America sucks?
I'll stick to my steroid-riddled
athletes, thank you.
So...
what's the verdict?
The banana and blueberry are spectacular.
Oh!
So good, Mom.
Really?
So, tonight we are going
to go off the beaten path.
We are going
to have...
Hungarian night.
All right? We're gonna have hurka
Mm!
and toltott tojas
and rakott krumpli!
Guaranteed to exit your colon
at the speed of sound.
Huh!
Mom...
it's Parents Night
at school tonight.
Right.
Right. I will be
there, sweetie.
I've been working
towards that.
That's right, I have it
right on my calendar.
I circled it.
I've just been, I've just been
busy, busy, but I will be there.
Dad, will you join us
at Parents Night tonight?
Me?
Not you, fuckface.
I was talking to Daddy Frank.
Daddy Frank, will you come?
Oh... no, no,
ladies...
I don't do school.
We all have our phobias,
and school is mine.
All of it.
Textbooks full of falsehoods,
teachers' unions
full of thugs,
and tenured imbeciles
who still use words
like "irregardless."
Not for me.
However,
the crepes... merci.
Uh, regarding dinner,
why not just move it up,
do the Hungarian thing
at 5:00?
What do you say?
Well, think it over. Whatever.
I'll be back before 5:00.
I got a meeting.
Karen? Sweetie?
I'm gonna be there, okay?
I have a session today.
I'm gonna have a breakthrough,
I can see it.
Yeah, come on...
Keep laughing,
and I will slit your throat
while you sleep.
I'm coming.
Warren.
Debbie.
Lip upstairs?
Yeah.
Carl, eat.
Don't organize, okay?
After you eat them,
they all end up
in the same place.
Who was at the door?
Warren for Lip.
Don't worry about
the ketchup and stuff.
- Just the milk and the meat.
- All right, enough hot water
for at last one more shower.
Did Carl blow up
the neighborhood again?
No, I forgot to pay the bill.
Hey...
happens to the best of us.
Not to me, okay?
I-I'm not like this.
Like what?
Distracted.
Yeah, by what?
Well, you're the only
new thing in the mix.
Wait, am I actually
distracting Fiona Gallagher?
Really!
I... hey...
I will make a coffee run
after I finish.
Fine.
Okay?
Time for school, okay?
Lip! Feet on the floor!
Lip?
Warren.
Where's my paper?
Where's my money?
I got it.
Okay.
I want to see it.
$35, right?
No, $50.
Ching chow choon chow
cho ching wang hang fo....
Stop speaking
fake Korean, Warren.
I never said $35.
Not for the paper
I wrote you last month,
not for the paper I
wrote you last semester,
not for this one.
All right? It's $50.
Can you do $36?
No.
- $38?
- Oh...
Warren...
once again proving that
Koreans are the Asian Jews.
That's racist.
No. Facts cannot
be racist.
Many Irish are drunks.
Many French smell.
Most Chinese hate children.
That's why they sell
them to Americans.
Now, the fact here
is that you,
the one Korean I know,
made a deal of 50 bucks
for an original essay
about The Great
goddamn Gatsby, yet...
once again, you're trying to get me
to lower my agreed-upon price.
Okay? So...
I want you to give me $50
or GFY.
GFY?
Go Fuck Yourself.
You're short again.
What?
Inventory.
Gone, out the door
without being paid for.
Soup,
beer, chips,
cigarettes, lollipops,
salt... people are stealing salt,
Kash, what the hell?
Kids, why don't you
go in the back
and get yourself some juice.
Boys, stay right where you are.
You need to hear this.
Other than genetic markers
for heart disease and bad teeth,
this dump is the sum total
of what we're leaving you.
The shoplifting is out of hand...
$320 in one week.
This is not a food bank.
What are you doing when all
this thievery is taking place?
You playing Brickbreaker
on your phone?
Do I need to get
the security cameras fixed?
'Cause that's a $2,500 bill
we cannot afford.
Do me a favor while
I take the kids to school...
grow a pair.
Come on, boys.
You guys have your lunches?
You sure this is it?
Yeah. Can I
please go now?
When the kids leave.
Oh, Liam, we got to get you
onto this potty!
We can take some of the money
that we spent on diapers,
and we can buy you candy,
and cars!
Don't you like candy and cars?
Ah, rewards for shitting...
the good old days.
Hey, let me help.
Okay, cool.
When Liam starts holding
his breath and squinting,
put him on this.
The power bill.
Come on, I'm
almost living here.
No, you're not.
Lip gave me enough
to pay for it yesterday.
I picked up a last-minute shift
at the motel
and forgot to walk it
to the payment center.
430 bucks?
Lip's a bit flush this month.
It's S.A.T. season.
He's always flush
during S.A.T. season.
S.A.T.?
College tests.
He tutors?
Uh, no. He takes.
Okay, go play with your cars.
Oh, hey, I got another lead for you.
Oh, set it up, douche.
I'm taking it for someone
else after school today,
but, uh, there's another
session in two weeks.
All right.
Don't take the phone today,
okay? I need it.
I need it.
For what?
Cold calling,
for baby-sitting gigs.
I sound more mature
on the phone.
I'm using the phone today, okay?
Everybody go.
You're gonna be late.
I'll give you guys a ride.
Thank you.
Teacher told me to
give this to you.
Wait. What did you do?
Nothing.
This is from last Friday.
It's Wednesday! Carl!
Wait, whoa, what'd he do?
Nothing.
Hey, bat stays here.
Why do we keep having
this conversation?
Because you never
take the money.
Because I don't need it.
Don't you have someplace to be?
Catholics...
look at 'em all.
They replicate like rabbits.
But, you know, if the Pope
ever approves of condoms,
I'd get baptized.
A lot I like about
the Catholic Mass.
Good to know.
Let's get this over with.
Who forgot what?
Frank forgot to pay.
Get the fuck out of my house.
You should dead-bolt your door.
This is
a dangerous neighborhood.
Frank doesn't live
here anymore.
Yeah, well, just 'cause
he don't live here anymore,
doesn't mean you don't know
where he lives now.
Put the bat down,
pick up the phone,
and tell him to get us
the six grand he owes.
What?
Or bring back the car.
Or we'll come back
and use the bat on you.
It's a buck-50 up front.
When you get your S.A.T. results
back and see how great Lip did,
it's another buck-50.
And we do this today?
No, today's session is booked.
Three weeks.
So I sit next to you
while you take the test?
No.
He's pretending to be you.
You can't be there.
Why would they think you're me?
Well, I'll have a I.D.
That says that I am you.
But what if they
ask me for my I.D.?
I'm going to
make a fake I.D.
But I'm tall.
Yeah. That's-That's a chance
were just going to have to take.
Yeah.
Saturday night.
What time can I pick you up?
7:00.
Done.
You're dating Oompa now?
He doesn't talk.
It's fun.
Come in.
I need a breakthrough, Malaya.
Parents Night.
Oh, very important.
My daughter Karen.
We've met.
I'm a little geared up.
I understand.
It's good.
Children need to know
their parents care
about their education.
I tell my son,
"Finish eighth grade,
and then we'll talk about
you working in construction."
Not that I couldn't use
the extra paycheck now.
Oh. Right.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Jesus, Frank!
Two assholes busted
into our house
looking for you and some car?
Did they follow you here?
Where is it?
I was invited to participate
in a business venture.
What did you do with the money?
That's just it!
I wasn't given
any money up front!
I was simply promised
that money would be shared
with me once an insurance
claim was... was settled.
Has that promise
been delivered upon?
No. No, it has not.
I warned you, Frank.
You knew about this
and you didn't tell me?
Fi, I don't have
the time to call you
every time Frank
has a bad idea.
I'll talk to them.
Oh, yeah? And say what?
"Hey guys,
sorry I forgot
to light the car on fire."
I was not doing the igniting.
I was just doing the "park
in a remote location."
Unfortunately, I had
to make a pit stop,
and when I got back,
the car was gone.
You're gonna
take care of this. Now.
Could go to Jersey for a while.
Stay with your
Great Uncle George.
No. You're staying here,
and you're gonna
take care of this car,
'cause you're also gonna
be here to take care of Carl.
He needs you to show up
for him at Parents Night
to discuss behavioral problems.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
These sound like
solutions, not problems.
The school disagrees.
He's a boy.
This is what boys do!
When I was growing up,
Joe Palazzo bit off
a kid's finger.
Oh, that's got to be bullshit.
Sister Irmalita
picked up the nub
and wrapped it in Kleenex.
She always kept her snot rag
stuffed in her sleeve.
They're threatening
to expel him.
Well, go talk 'em out of it.
They want a parent.
A real parent.
Oh, I guess you're
off the hook then, Frank.
I have never been
threatened by teachers,
and I am not going
to start now.
I am fed up with these
pangender hermaphrodites
who hate that human
beings are a species
with two distinct genders.
It's like they've
declared war on testicles!
They want to remove all the
masculinity from the schools,
fill the world
with yogurt-eaters.
Well, do your research!
We're all descendents
of barbarians,
and the sooner we face it,
the sooner we'll have a
civilization worth celebrating.
So, hell no, I won't go,
'cause no one scares
Frank Gallagher!
Oh, shit.
♪ I feel the power
of the Lord within me ♪
♪ I feel the power
of the Lord inside ♪
♪ And I feel a surge
as He rises up... ♪
♪
♪
Can you pretend
to be Frank tonight?
Sorry, Fi. I'm working.
Why can't you do it?
Say you had Carl when you
were, like, 14 or something.
You could pass for 23.
No?
How 'bout Kenny?
I'm trying to keep Carl
out of a foster home,
not give 'em reason
to put him in one.
Frank will show up for Carl.
I know you think he won't,
but, deep down, I think
Frank is capable
of doing the right thing.
Frank!
Kid! Give me the board!
Give me the board!
Hey!
Frank! Stop! Frank!
Hey! Gimme it back!
Give me my skateboard back!
God! Ah, fuck!
My hammy!
You losers!
I'm ready.
You know what I'm thinking?
Indian.
So, let's go get
some curry.
Excellent.
And now, how about
we go find some fresh chicken?
Ooh, yes. A yummy
tikka masala.
You're doing great,
Sheila.
Thank you.
You know, I feel terrific.
It's really....
It's really kind of nice
to be out and about.
Do you see any fellow shoppers?
Oh.
Yes.
Hi.
Good, Sheila.
Good.
Oh...
Oh, that wasn't so bad.
Okay, now,
this one's coming
a little bit close.
Well...
Sometimes when
we're out and about...
Mm-hmm?
...people shop for some
of the same things.
Uh-huh?
And they enter
our space for a moment.
Yes. That's happening.
Say hello to her.
Hello.
Oh, oh. That wasn't so bad.
That wasn't so bad at all.
She seemed really nice.
Okay.
Oh... Oh, God. Wait.
Time to check out
and head outside.
No, no, no.
We just started and I...
I still need
vanilla and raisins
and-and peaches.
I need to get some peaches.
No peaches in Indian food.
Yes!
No, there's peaches.
Concentrate.
Oh, God.
Oh!
No, no! No.
I can't do it. I can't.
Stop it! Make it stop!
No.
Sorry I threw you
out this morning.
I love a woman
that knows what she wants.
Yeah.
I want to be
someone else today.
How's work?
Backbreaking.
Can I swing by
and take you to lunch?
I love that there's a world
where people go out to lunch.
Next.
Carl's in trouble at school.
Parents Night's tonight
and they want Frank
to show up, and he
says he won't,
so I got to go fix it
before nobody shows up
and he gets bounced.
Sounds fun.
I'll text ya later?
Make it dirty.
So, are you guys going
to the parent-teacher
conference tonight?
No.
Need a parent for that,
don't you?
Hey, Louise got an "A"
on the paper you wrote
for her English class.
How do you keep doing that?
Well, to master the art
of the book report,
you just take any novel,
no matter when it was written,
and you argue
that the main character
is a latent homosexual.
No, seriously.
Seriously.
Now, most English teachers
are either gay and agree,
or they're straight, but
too scared to disagree
and get labeled as intolerant.
Hmm.
1870!
All right.
Yeah! Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.
Perfect for the Big Ten.
Thanks.
Happy to help, man.
Hey, man.
You more than helped.
Now I'll most definitely
be a beer swillin',
roofie slippin',
fightin' Illini next year.
All right?
All right.
Awesome.
What happened, Tire?
Not satisfied with your results?
Haven't come back yet.
Any day now.
I better not look stupid.
Impossible.
Hey, listen, there's one last
testing session this year,
so tell your friends.
Don't tell me what to do.
Why do we help people we hate?
I believe we're
just taking our cue
from American foreign policy.
Hello? Hello?
It's Frank.
Frank?
Come in, Frank.
Yeah.
Okay, good.
I'm fine.
Shoes. Shoes.
Shoes? Yeah.
The bag. The bag.
Hon, you got to lighten up
about the shoes, okay?
I want shoes in bags.
I appreciate you seeing me.
You're Carl's mother?
Uh, no, sister.
Legal guardian?
Formally, no.
Mr. Monroe?
Where's that papier-mache?
Right here.
The kids have been making
papier-mache sculptures
about what they love
about themselves.
This is Carl's.
What is that?
That is a papier-mache
pile of shit.
Wait. He has a very
developed sense of humor.
We're not laughing.
Carl's future is speaking
to us through art.
A dark future
filled with what,
even to the untrained eye,
is a budding psychosis.
I...
We need to speak
to his father or his mother.
Well, they're-they're
out of town.
It's important...
I need a parent!
Not a sister.
I've had what seems to be 15
of you goddamn Gallaghers
here at this school, and I
have never once met a parent!
Not once! Who in the hell
is raising this degenerate?
Come back tonight with a parent
or a call will be placed
to a place
you don't want me to call.
Please? I just want someone
to be there for her.
To bear witness to
her achievements.
If it was about Karen,
I would do it.
But these nights
are not about the kids.
They're about the teachers
giving themselves a platform
for you to worship them,
asking you to applaud
with gratitude
for all the worthless crap
they've been
teaching your kids,
while, in reality,
they're asking you
to validate them
for the choice they made
to waste their lives
as educators.
Who-Who's that?
I'm expecting some granola
from Oregon.
From... Gran...
From Oregon?
People wonder why oil
prices are so high.
Shipping oats and
sugar all the way...
Oh. Can I help you?
Uh... looking for Frank.
Oh.
It's, uh, it's Tommy and
Joey from down at the bar.
Oh.
We, we got a darts tournament...
Oh.
...raising money for paralyzed kids,
and, uh, we need Frank.
We can't win and help the kids
without our star player.
Well, he's kind of
in an uncooperative mood today,
but I'll see if
the paralyzed kids
can get him out.
Let's see.
You, uh, you play?
We need women, too.
No, I am not a darts person.
Would you mind,
um, taking your shoes off?
My, uh, my mother,
God rest her soul,
would be upset if I didn't.
Mm-hmm.
Lovely house.
Oh, thank you.
So, uh,
where's Frank?
Um, Frank?
Frank?
Frank?
Frank!
Geez.
Oh, heads up, man.
You're out of barbecue Pringles.
Hey, did Mickey pay for that?
You have to stand up
to him, Kash.
What the hell was
I supposed to say?
How about "Cut out the shit
or I'll call the cops?"
I tried that once
with his father.
What do I owe you now?!
Mickey's father is
in prison now, all right?
I don't need any new enemies.
What, so you're just going to
let him keep coming in here,
and take what he wants?
It's the cost of
doing business.
I forgot the dip.
Jesus, Kash.
Hey, Mickey,
why don't you steal
from a neighborhood
you don't live in?
Have some civic pride, huh?
Hey, hey...
Jesus! Fuck.
You know where I live
if you have a problem.
Here, go to the store and
replace the stuff he stole.
We're cowards.
We're smart men
in a stupid world.
Hurry before Linda gets back
and sees what's missing.
Bathroom break?
You'll need to be escorted.
Oh, no, thanks, I'm all done.
Thanks for
turning us back on.
Sure.
How'd the meeting at school go?
Badly.
They're gonna sic
social services on us
if Frank doesn't show,
since he's never once in his
life shown up at a school event
for any one of us, I'm trying
to figure something else out.
Why don't I come tonight
and pretend to be him?
I'll say, you know, I'll
say whatever people say,
like, you know, I'm
traveling a lot,
and Carl's probably
just acting out
'cause he misses me.
You're way too young.
I thought you were gonna
say "too handsome."
There's other people I can try.
Yeah, who?
People.
Okay?
I-I'll see you later.
I can't keep burning up
the minutes on my phone.
Hector, you busy tonight?
Hey, Morgan, it's Lip.
Uh, test went well.
No problem with the I.D....
one of the benefits
of your androgynous name.
I'm thinking I scored you,
like, a 2,200.
So send me that postcard
from Stanford, all right?
Later.
Morgan.
Morgan!
Or is it Greg Powers
or Pete O'Brien
or Jammal Jackson?
You taking tests
for girls now, Morgan?
Yeah, welcome
to your shit show.
I'm an investigator
for the Educational
Evaluation Service.
We're the people
who administer the...
Yeah, I know.
Oh, you do?
So why don't you tell me
how you cheat?
I don't cheat.
Oh... right.
I don't.
Uh-huh, let's see,
you got a 2,360,
2,290, 2,400, and all
from this crappy high school?
Yeah, I know my shit.
And I got a brand-new test
we just finished creating,
so why don't we go see
if you know your shit
or you're just full of it?
Karen.
Here.
Daddy Frank, what
are you doing?
Freezing my gonads
off, that's what.
You see that pickup with the
two scary-looking dudes in it?
Yes.
Divert their attention
so I can slip back
into the house.
Daddy Frank,
I really, really want you to
come to Parents Night tonight.
Nobody's ever there to see
how great I'm doing,
and I'm really,
really doing great.
Distract them and we'll talk.
Promise me you'll come to school
for me tonight and I'll do it.
All right, all right!
Jesus!
Everything's gotta be
quid pro fucking quo.
Go, distract, distract.
So, what have you allowed
to be stolen today?
Can we try some optimism?
Optimism
is for children and presidents,
not for mini-mart owners
in a land of 30 million jobless.
Where the hell were you?
Uh...
Why are you looking at him?
Where are you going
with all that stuff?
Nowhere, I...
Who?
Is it the Milkovich kid again?
That's it.
We're closed.
Follow me.
I cannot thank you
enough for representing
our family tonight
at Parents Night.
Karen is going to be so happy.
And make sure you ask
lots of questions
and then report back to me.
I need details,
lots of details.
Okay?
Details, details, yeah, yeah, lots
of details.
I'd stay down here
and entertain you
with my lips.
But it's getting kind of late.
No, those, those things
never start on time.
You sure?
Yeah, pretty sure.
They never...
We've got time.
Positive?
We've got time, we've got time.
Okay.
Come here.
Well, you missed one.
No, I didn't.
The wording is ambiguous.
You're gonna get mail on that.
Huh.
I'll take it up with the board.
Hm.
2,400.
You know how rare that is, hmm?
Out of a million
and a half kids
who take the test every year,
only 300 get a perfect score.
How'd you catch me?
Huh, well, as smart as you are,
we got people working
for us who are even smarter.
So what now?
Well, punishment or
redemption... your choice.
What's the punishment?
You mean, you entered into this
without researching
the consequences
of getting caught?
What, jail?
No, we're not
usually in the business
of sending kids to jail.
Our only mandate is to send
universities valid scores,
and we invalidate the ones
that aren't legitimate.
I'm at the
University of Chicago.
Come to my office.
And don't you ever, ever
take a test for
someone else again
or I will find you and I
will beat you senseless.
Hmm?
Where'd you learn
how to do that?
I lived a lot of years
before I met you.
Come on.
Now hold it like you want
to do something with it.
Hand it here.
What?
Left shoulder.
Right shoulder.
Left leg.
Right leg.
Stomach.
Neck... Face.
Heart.
ROTC.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
It's okay;
I brought you a shirt.
Okay.
Okay, now, listen up.
We are going to stand united
and show them
that we are a family
that is thriving.
You got it?
Yep.
Let's go.
All right.
Come on.
Come on.
This is it?
This is his brother.
Uh, Phillip.
Very good to see you
again, sir.
Uh, Phillip is 17, I'm 21, uh,
and while we may not be the
legal guardians of our brother,
we do supply him...
I told you I wanted
to see a parent.
We just opened the letter today.
I gave Carl
the letter last week.
So you're relying
on a nine-year-old to deliver
important correspondence?
You don't seem
to have a home phone.
Carl is taken care of
at home by loving siblings.
This is not up for negotiation.
Your brother is on the verge
of being expelled,
and unfortunately, there are
steps the state requires
to be taken
before he can be bounced,
and a meeting with his
legal guardian is the next step.
Please, you can't do this.
I mean, he loves school.
More potential victims here, I suppose.
No, all his friends are here.
Can you stop it?
I'm serious.
He needs more
structure, we know.
What Carl needs is medication,
a near-death experience,
or a lobotomy.
You should be very proud
of your daughter.
She's prompt, poised, cheerful.
Vivid imagination,
expansive vocabulary.
Karen has greatness
in her future.
She gets it from me.
It's all the time
I spent with her
when she was a youngster.
Flash cards and the like.
Pounding, pounding, pounding
relentlessly.
Never underestimate the power
of flash cards.
I'm sorry.
I'm placing a call
to social services.
A home without a legal guardian
is a home we cannot condone.
Hello all.
Uh, sorry I was late.
I got held up at the office.
So, now that Fiona
and I are engaged, I've filed
the paperwork so
that we can become
the legal guardians
of the children.
Do you realize Carl's
report card has seven U's?
Uh, U's?
As in unsatisfactory.
But don't think of U
as in unsatisfactory.
Think of U as in F.
As in failed?
As in fucked.
I am not a religious man,
but every now and then,
a child comes along
who makes me believe
in the existence of Satan.
Now, something drastic
must be done, or he's going
to slip down through the cracks,
right up into a clock tower
with a sniper rifle.
Given our
resources, he is
beyond our ability to help.
It's just a phase.
And... now that
we're aware of it...
Too late!
This Norman Rockwell display
might warm the cockles
of some other fool who
believes no fucking child...
not even the
budding psychotics...
should be left behind...
but the fact is,
the sooner
Carl is put in prison,
the safer
this world is gonna be.
More of a Mickey Hart fan
when it comes to paintings?
What? What's that?
More of a Mickey Hart fan
than a Norman Rockwell fan.
Mickey Hart's an
all right painter
for a drummer.
Could you all excuse us
for a second?
For what?
If we could just take a walk
and talk in private?
Get a breath of fresh air?
Evening, Frank.
Hey... ooh!
All you had to do is drive
the car and park it.
It was an extraordinary
circumstance.
It was the night the Bears
were playing Green Bay.
There was an after...
I'd be kicking you
had I not pulled a
hamstring chasing after you.
You're a fast little bastard.
Second team all-state
in the mile.
Daddy Frank?
Hey.
Sell a kidney,
prostitute your 12-year-old,
I don't care how
you get the money, but I want
six grand in cash by Saturday,
or this ear will be hanging
around my neck.
No one around here really knows
those terrapins are a
Grateful Dead thing.
The kids call 'em
Mr. G's turtles.
Shit, man, they don't even know
who the Grateful Dead are.
Ah, man.
The summer of 1979.
The best summer of my life.
Followed the Dead
around the Midwest.
Supported myself
selling grilled cheese
in the parking lot.
Yeah, they made great music.
Their music blows.
But their female fans...
...were a bunch
of patchouli-soaked sluts
who all wanted
to ball their first black guy.
I never embraced tokenism
with more gusto.
Those terrapins
were a parting gift
from this Skidmore chick...
...who sucked me off
like I had diamonds buried
in the bottom of my ball sack.
Whoo!
Man... this is
some good shit.
You know, we're gonna
turn Carl around.
Thanks for the joint...
but I'm not gonna lose
my pension
over some little whack job
going postal on my watch.
Though I do not distribute
high-quality medicine
such as this,
I could hook you up
with some discreet people
who'd give you
a favorable price.
We talking a teacher discount?
My man.
What the hell did you do?
Saw an opening, made my move.
Got lucky.
Daddy!
If I hadn't had such a...
Debbie, we got to go.
I want to say hi
to Daddy. Daddy!
Hi!
Hello, pumpkin!
Karen, what's going on?
Well, you said you never come
to these, so, I thought that
you weren't gonna come,
and so, I asked Frank
to stand in
for my worthless father.
Did they expel Carl?
What I tell you?
Drama and threats
all for naught.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
Bye, Daddy.
Yeah. See you.
Carl, we're serious.
The stakes are really,
really high.
We love you, and we need you
in this family.
In this house.
You need to stop biting
and punching
and hurting people.
Well, how else
do I make them cry?
Gossip and slander.
You know,
when I get really angry,
I usually just count to ten.
Hey, little man,
tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get you some
pads and some skates.
Get you out on the ice.
You can take your frustrations
out with a hockey stick.
Yeah. You can come
to karate with me.
Remember when I broke
Kyle Boozlee's leg?
It took three pins
to put it back together, huh?
You can't beat karate
when it comes to regulated,
sanctioned violence
for children.
Will you tell me one more time
what the teacher said, Frank?
How many more times?
Mm...
Just one more time.
Just one more time.
I... I would've known
if I'd been there,
but-but just one more.
They said
she was developing into an
incredibly poised young woman.
Poised?
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
She is.
She is quite the young lady.
Frank, how...
how am I gonna help her
be the woman she's
supposed to be
if I'm locked up in this house?
I can't even get
through the doors
of a pretend supermarket.
How am I gonna show her the...
Grand Canyon?
Life is going on
all around me, and
I'm missing out.
Why am I so pathetic?
Hey.
You are going to get through
those doors any day now,
and never look back.
Oh!
Frank.
Frank.
Thank you for being my light.
My Frank.
My light.
Hey.
Um... listen, Morgan,
it's-it's Lip.
Uh... we got to talk.
I-I got some bad news
regarding your S.A.T. scores.
They're invalidating your score.
Um...
I'll go into more detail
when I speak with you.
Sorry to leave this
on your phone.
All right. Um... okay.
Hit me back.
Yeah, I didn't need your help.
No, it looked like you did.
You're upset that
I actually did help.
You're afraid that
if I keep on showing up
and actually helping,
that you'll like it.
And liking it will lead
to relying on it,
and by relying on it,
you'll be less of the you
you've made yourself into...
a kick-ass you that you
like and I like, too.
But you're afraid that
if you learn to rely on me,
then one day, when you really
need me to show up, I won't.
And then you'll be
angry at yourself
for believing in something
you've only seen in the movies,
something that I'm determined
to prove to you actually exists.
How come every time
I want to fool around,
you can't shut up?
Hey.
I'm here for Lip
to pay him the balance
for the S.A.T. test?
Tire.
Lip, my man.
They invalidated my score!
Shit! I was gonna call you.
I'm gonna get, like, a six
on this test!
You get at least
a couple hundred for spelling
your name correctly.
Shit! Wait! Wait! Wait!
I can fix this, all right?
I won't be able
to play ball in college!
Fuck, you'll go
straight to the pros!
Please...
You think you'll live if I drop
you on your head? I don't.
Lip!
Shit!
Shit!
Get him back inside!
Back off,
or I'll throw you out, too.
Let him go!
Get my brother
back in the house,
or the kid swings the bat.
Okay, okay.
Now!
Keep your shit straight;
I'll pull him in.
Hey, now!
Come on!
What the hell is going on?
Carl's got it covered.
I was just joking.
Okay?
Okay?
Hey, uh, uh, you ever been
with a black guy?
Does rape count?
Um...
I was acquitted.
Re-Sync by abc_321
this is what we were doing:
Your house is
Frank's wet dream.
Never gonna get him out.
Turns out
I can't afford
to live somewhere else
and support you two.
Why can't you stay
with Uncle Ray?
When I get back, I want the new
stock shelved with all the
labels facing
the same direction.
We're gonna have a whole
night together to celebrate.
This is your house...
where you live with Linda
and the kids.
I'm gay, dude, not queer.
Five hundred and
eight-seven dollars.
I'm taking the PSAT's for some
Polish kid over in Ridgedale?
I told Richie that
your rates went up.
So he's giving you $150.
See you in three hours.
Be out in two.
I am going to a wedding today.
I am really gonna do it
this time.
You're coming, Mom?
I'll just get you
a piece of cake, Mom.
That would just be...
Re-Sync by abc_321
♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not
for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling
you're so sure of? ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're
not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so...
sure of? ♪
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Brush your teeth;
I want to play.
Smoothie.
Thanks.
Hello, Liam.
How you doin', huh?
Didn't Fiona tell you
to stop electrocuting dolls?
They have to pay for their sins.
You almost there?
What?
I got to make lunches.
Oh, tell me more.
Well, first
I cut off the crusts...
- Uh-huh. - ...and then I put
the apple slices in a baggie...
Oh, don't stop.
You look amazing.
Hurry up.
I don't want to go before you.
I already had a couple.
You didn't make a sound.
Big family; thin walls.
When you consider
how humans evolved,
they were probably used
to mating in public.
But one day a pioneer that
really wanted to get freaky...Steve...
What? What?
Steve, I'm late.
Focus.
Damn it! Carl!
It's not me!
Hector's at the pole again!
Hector!
Hey, Hector...
is there any way
that you could...
I can't this time, Fiona.
It's the third red notice
this year. I'm sorry.
Not the first time we got
shut off; won't be the last.
Is there any way that you can
scrape the money together today?
We have it.
She just forgot to pay it.
I took an extra shift yesterday,
and I just spaced it.
Call my cell phone
when you pay it,
I'll swing back at
the end of the day.
Thanks, Hector.
"Arts and Leisure"?
So I can read about
pagan-worshipping actors
complaining about how America sucks?
I'll stick to my steroid-riddled
athletes, thank you.
So...
what's the verdict?
The banana and blueberry are spectacular.
Oh!
So good, Mom.
Really?
So, tonight we are going
to go off the beaten path.
We are going
to have...
Hungarian night.
All right? We're gonna have hurka
Mm!
and toltott tojas
and rakott krumpli!
Guaranteed to exit your colon
at the speed of sound.
Huh!
Mom...
it's Parents Night
at school tonight.
Right.
Right. I will be
there, sweetie.
I've been working
towards that.
That's right, I have it
right on my calendar.
I circled it.
I've just been, I've just been
busy, busy, but I will be there.
Dad, will you join us
at Parents Night tonight?
Me?
Not you, fuckface.
I was talking to Daddy Frank.
Daddy Frank, will you come?
Oh... no, no,
ladies...
I don't do school.
We all have our phobias,
and school is mine.
All of it.
Textbooks full of falsehoods,
teachers' unions
full of thugs,
and tenured imbeciles
who still use words
like "irregardless."
Not for me.
However,
the crepes... merci.
Uh, regarding dinner,
why not just move it up,
do the Hungarian thing
at 5:00?
What do you say?
Well, think it over. Whatever.
I'll be back before 5:00.
I got a meeting.
Karen? Sweetie?
I'm gonna be there, okay?
I have a session today.
I'm gonna have a breakthrough,
I can see it.
Yeah, come on...
Keep laughing,
and I will slit your throat
while you sleep.
I'm coming.
Warren.
Debbie.
Lip upstairs?
Yeah.
Carl, eat.
Don't organize, okay?
After you eat them,
they all end up
in the same place.
Who was at the door?
Warren for Lip.
Don't worry about
the ketchup and stuff.
- Just the milk and the meat.
- All right, enough hot water
for at last one more shower.
Did Carl blow up
the neighborhood again?
No, I forgot to pay the bill.
Hey...
happens to the best of us.
Not to me, okay?
I-I'm not like this.
Like what?
Distracted.
Yeah, by what?
Well, you're the only
new thing in the mix.
Wait, am I actually
distracting Fiona Gallagher?
Really!
I... hey...
I will make a coffee run
after I finish.
Fine.
Okay?
Time for school, okay?
Lip! Feet on the floor!
Lip?
Warren.
Where's my paper?
Where's my money?
I got it.
Okay.
I want to see it.
$35, right?
No, $50.
Ching chow choon chow
cho ching wang hang fo....
Stop speaking
fake Korean, Warren.
I never said $35.
Not for the paper
I wrote you last month,
not for the paper I
wrote you last semester,
not for this one.
All right? It's $50.
Can you do $36?
No.
- $38?
- Oh...
Warren...
once again proving that
Koreans are the Asian Jews.
That's racist.
No. Facts cannot
be racist.
Many Irish are drunks.
Many French smell.
Most Chinese hate children.
That's why they sell
them to Americans.
Now, the fact here
is that you,
the one Korean I know,
made a deal of 50 bucks
for an original essay
about The Great
goddamn Gatsby, yet...
once again, you're trying to get me
to lower my agreed-upon price.
Okay? So...
I want you to give me $50
or GFY.
GFY?
Go Fuck Yourself.
You're short again.
What?
Inventory.
Gone, out the door
without being paid for.
Soup,
beer, chips,
cigarettes, lollipops,
salt... people are stealing salt,
Kash, what the hell?
Kids, why don't you
go in the back
and get yourself some juice.
Boys, stay right where you are.
You need to hear this.
Other than genetic markers
for heart disease and bad teeth,
this dump is the sum total
of what we're leaving you.
The shoplifting is out of hand...
$320 in one week.
This is not a food bank.
What are you doing when all
this thievery is taking place?
You playing Brickbreaker
on your phone?
Do I need to get
the security cameras fixed?
'Cause that's a $2,500 bill
we cannot afford.
Do me a favor while
I take the kids to school...
grow a pair.
Come on, boys.
You guys have your lunches?
You sure this is it?
Yeah. Can I
please go now?
When the kids leave.
Oh, Liam, we got to get you
onto this potty!
We can take some of the money
that we spent on diapers,
and we can buy you candy,
and cars!
Don't you like candy and cars?
Ah, rewards for shitting...
the good old days.
Hey, let me help.
Okay, cool.
When Liam starts holding
his breath and squinting,
put him on this.
The power bill.
Come on, I'm
almost living here.
No, you're not.
Lip gave me enough
to pay for it yesterday.
I picked up a last-minute shift
at the motel
and forgot to walk it
to the payment center.
430 bucks?
Lip's a bit flush this month.
It's S.A.T. season.
He's always flush
during S.A.T. season.
S.A.T.?
College tests.
He tutors?
Uh, no. He takes.
Okay, go play with your cars.
Oh, hey, I got another lead for you.
Oh, set it up, douche.
I'm taking it for someone
else after school today,
but, uh, there's another
session in two weeks.
All right.
Don't take the phone today,
okay? I need it.
I need it.
For what?
Cold calling,
for baby-sitting gigs.
I sound more mature
on the phone.
I'm using the phone today, okay?
Everybody go.
You're gonna be late.
I'll give you guys a ride.
Thank you.
Teacher told me to
give this to you.
Wait. What did you do?
Nothing.
This is from last Friday.
It's Wednesday! Carl!
Wait, whoa, what'd he do?
Nothing.
Hey, bat stays here.
Why do we keep having
this conversation?
Because you never
take the money.
Because I don't need it.
Don't you have someplace to be?
Catholics...
look at 'em all.
They replicate like rabbits.
But, you know, if the Pope
ever approves of condoms,
I'd get baptized.
A lot I like about
the Catholic Mass.
Good to know.
Let's get this over with.
Who forgot what?
Frank forgot to pay.
Get the fuck out of my house.
You should dead-bolt your door.
This is
a dangerous neighborhood.
Frank doesn't live
here anymore.
Yeah, well, just 'cause
he don't live here anymore,
doesn't mean you don't know
where he lives now.
Put the bat down,
pick up the phone,
and tell him to get us
the six grand he owes.
What?
Or bring back the car.
Or we'll come back
and use the bat on you.
It's a buck-50 up front.
When you get your S.A.T. results
back and see how great Lip did,
it's another buck-50.
And we do this today?
No, today's session is booked.
Three weeks.
So I sit next to you
while you take the test?
No.
He's pretending to be you.
You can't be there.
Why would they think you're me?
Well, I'll have a I.D.
That says that I am you.
But what if they
ask me for my I.D.?
I'm going to
make a fake I.D.
But I'm tall.
Yeah. That's-That's a chance
were just going to have to take.
Yeah.
Saturday night.
What time can I pick you up?
7:00.
Done.
You're dating Oompa now?
He doesn't talk.
It's fun.
Come in.
I need a breakthrough, Malaya.
Parents Night.
Oh, very important.
My daughter Karen.
We've met.
I'm a little geared up.
I understand.
It's good.
Children need to know
their parents care
about their education.
I tell my son,
"Finish eighth grade,
and then we'll talk about
you working in construction."
Not that I couldn't use
the extra paycheck now.
Oh. Right.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Jesus, Frank!
Two assholes busted
into our house
looking for you and some car?
Did they follow you here?
Where is it?
I was invited to participate
in a business venture.
What did you do with the money?
That's just it!
I wasn't given
any money up front!
I was simply promised
that money would be shared
with me once an insurance
claim was... was settled.
Has that promise
been delivered upon?
No. No, it has not.
I warned you, Frank.
You knew about this
and you didn't tell me?
Fi, I don't have
the time to call you
every time Frank
has a bad idea.
I'll talk to them.
Oh, yeah? And say what?
"Hey guys,
sorry I forgot
to light the car on fire."
I was not doing the igniting.
I was just doing the "park
in a remote location."
Unfortunately, I had
to make a pit stop,
and when I got back,
the car was gone.
You're gonna
take care of this. Now.
Could go to Jersey for a while.
Stay with your
Great Uncle George.
No. You're staying here,
and you're gonna
take care of this car,
'cause you're also gonna
be here to take care of Carl.
He needs you to show up
for him at Parents Night
to discuss behavioral problems.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
These sound like
solutions, not problems.
The school disagrees.
He's a boy.
This is what boys do!
When I was growing up,
Joe Palazzo bit off
a kid's finger.
Oh, that's got to be bullshit.
Sister Irmalita
picked up the nub
and wrapped it in Kleenex.
She always kept her snot rag
stuffed in her sleeve.
They're threatening
to expel him.
Well, go talk 'em out of it.
They want a parent.
A real parent.
Oh, I guess you're
off the hook then, Frank.
I have never been
threatened by teachers,
and I am not going
to start now.
I am fed up with these
pangender hermaphrodites
who hate that human
beings are a species
with two distinct genders.
It's like they've
declared war on testicles!
They want to remove all the
masculinity from the schools,
fill the world
with yogurt-eaters.
Well, do your research!
We're all descendents
of barbarians,
and the sooner we face it,
the sooner we'll have a
civilization worth celebrating.
So, hell no, I won't go,
'cause no one scares
Frank Gallagher!
Oh, shit.
♪ I feel the power
of the Lord within me ♪
♪ I feel the power
of the Lord inside ♪
♪ And I feel a surge
as He rises up... ♪
♪
♪
Can you pretend
to be Frank tonight?
Sorry, Fi. I'm working.
Why can't you do it?
Say you had Carl when you
were, like, 14 or something.
You could pass for 23.
No?
How 'bout Kenny?
I'm trying to keep Carl
out of a foster home,
not give 'em reason
to put him in one.
Frank will show up for Carl.
I know you think he won't,
but, deep down, I think
Frank is capable
of doing the right thing.
Frank!
Kid! Give me the board!
Give me the board!
Hey!
Frank! Stop! Frank!
Hey! Gimme it back!
Give me my skateboard back!
God! Ah, fuck!
My hammy!
You losers!
I'm ready.
You know what I'm thinking?
Indian.
So, let's go get
some curry.
Excellent.
And now, how about
we go find some fresh chicken?
Ooh, yes. A yummy
tikka masala.
You're doing great,
Sheila.
Thank you.
You know, I feel terrific.
It's really....
It's really kind of nice
to be out and about.
Do you see any fellow shoppers?
Oh.
Yes.
Hi.
Good, Sheila.
Good.
Oh...
Oh, that wasn't so bad.
Okay, now,
this one's coming
a little bit close.
Well...
Sometimes when
we're out and about...
Mm-hmm?
...people shop for some
of the same things.
Uh-huh?
And they enter
our space for a moment.
Yes. That's happening.
Say hello to her.
Hello.
Oh, oh. That wasn't so bad.
That wasn't so bad at all.
She seemed really nice.
Okay.
Oh... Oh, God. Wait.
Time to check out
and head outside.
No, no, no.
We just started and I...
I still need
vanilla and raisins
and-and peaches.
I need to get some peaches.
No peaches in Indian food.
Yes!
No, there's peaches.
Concentrate.
Oh, God.
Oh!
No, no! No.
I can't do it. I can't.
Stop it! Make it stop!
No.
Sorry I threw you
out this morning.
I love a woman
that knows what she wants.
Yeah.
I want to be
someone else today.
How's work?
Backbreaking.
Can I swing by
and take you to lunch?
I love that there's a world
where people go out to lunch.
Next.
Carl's in trouble at school.
Parents Night's tonight
and they want Frank
to show up, and he
says he won't,
so I got to go fix it
before nobody shows up
and he gets bounced.
Sounds fun.
I'll text ya later?
Make it dirty.
So, are you guys going
to the parent-teacher
conference tonight?
No.
Need a parent for that,
don't you?
Hey, Louise got an "A"
on the paper you wrote
for her English class.
How do you keep doing that?
Well, to master the art
of the book report,
you just take any novel,
no matter when it was written,
and you argue
that the main character
is a latent homosexual.
No, seriously.
Seriously.
Now, most English teachers
are either gay and agree,
or they're straight, but
too scared to disagree
and get labeled as intolerant.
Hmm.
1870!
All right.
Yeah! Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.
Perfect for the Big Ten.
Thanks.
Happy to help, man.
Hey, man.
You more than helped.
Now I'll most definitely
be a beer swillin',
roofie slippin',
fightin' Illini next year.
All right?
All right.
Awesome.
What happened, Tire?
Not satisfied with your results?
Haven't come back yet.
Any day now.
I better not look stupid.
Impossible.
Hey, listen, there's one last
testing session this year,
so tell your friends.
Don't tell me what to do.
Why do we help people we hate?
I believe we're
just taking our cue
from American foreign policy.
Hello? Hello?
It's Frank.
Frank?
Come in, Frank.
Yeah.
Okay, good.
I'm fine.
Shoes. Shoes.
Shoes? Yeah.
The bag. The bag.
Hon, you got to lighten up
about the shoes, okay?
I want shoes in bags.
I appreciate you seeing me.
You're Carl's mother?
Uh, no, sister.
Legal guardian?
Formally, no.
Mr. Monroe?
Where's that papier-mache?
Right here.
The kids have been making
papier-mache sculptures
about what they love
about themselves.
This is Carl's.
What is that?
That is a papier-mache
pile of shit.
Wait. He has a very
developed sense of humor.
We're not laughing.
Carl's future is speaking
to us through art.
A dark future
filled with what,
even to the untrained eye,
is a budding psychosis.
I...
We need to speak
to his father or his mother.
Well, they're-they're
out of town.
It's important...
I need a parent!
Not a sister.
I've had what seems to be 15
of you goddamn Gallaghers
here at this school, and I
have never once met a parent!
Not once! Who in the hell
is raising this degenerate?
Come back tonight with a parent
or a call will be placed
to a place
you don't want me to call.
Please? I just want someone
to be there for her.
To bear witness to
her achievements.
If it was about Karen,
I would do it.
But these nights
are not about the kids.
They're about the teachers
giving themselves a platform
for you to worship them,
asking you to applaud
with gratitude
for all the worthless crap
they've been
teaching your kids,
while, in reality,
they're asking you
to validate them
for the choice they made
to waste their lives
as educators.
Who-Who's that?
I'm expecting some granola
from Oregon.
From... Gran...
From Oregon?
People wonder why oil
prices are so high.
Shipping oats and
sugar all the way...
Oh. Can I help you?
Uh... looking for Frank.
Oh.
It's, uh, it's Tommy and
Joey from down at the bar.
Oh.
We, we got a darts tournament...
Oh.
...raising money for paralyzed kids,
and, uh, we need Frank.
We can't win and help the kids
without our star player.
Well, he's kind of
in an uncooperative mood today,
but I'll see if
the paralyzed kids
can get him out.
Let's see.
You, uh, you play?
We need women, too.
No, I am not a darts person.
Would you mind,
um, taking your shoes off?
My, uh, my mother,
God rest her soul,
would be upset if I didn't.
Mm-hmm.
Lovely house.
Oh, thank you.
So, uh,
where's Frank?
Um, Frank?
Frank?
Frank?
Frank!
Geez.
Oh, heads up, man.
You're out of barbecue Pringles.
Hey, did Mickey pay for that?
You have to stand up
to him, Kash.
What the hell was
I supposed to say?
How about "Cut out the shit
or I'll call the cops?"
I tried that once
with his father.
What do I owe you now?!
Mickey's father is
in prison now, all right?
I don't need any new enemies.
What, so you're just going to
let him keep coming in here,
and take what he wants?
It's the cost of
doing business.
I forgot the dip.
Jesus, Kash.
Hey, Mickey,
why don't you steal
from a neighborhood
you don't live in?
Have some civic pride, huh?
Hey, hey...
Jesus! Fuck.
You know where I live
if you have a problem.
Here, go to the store and
replace the stuff he stole.
We're cowards.
We're smart men
in a stupid world.
Hurry before Linda gets back
and sees what's missing.
Bathroom break?
You'll need to be escorted.
Oh, no, thanks, I'm all done.
Thanks for
turning us back on.
Sure.
How'd the meeting at school go?
Badly.
They're gonna sic
social services on us
if Frank doesn't show,
since he's never once in his
life shown up at a school event
for any one of us, I'm trying
to figure something else out.
Why don't I come tonight
and pretend to be him?
I'll say, you know, I'll
say whatever people say,
like, you know, I'm
traveling a lot,
and Carl's probably
just acting out
'cause he misses me.
You're way too young.
I thought you were gonna
say "too handsome."
There's other people I can try.
Yeah, who?
People.
Okay?
I-I'll see you later.
I can't keep burning up
the minutes on my phone.
Hector, you busy tonight?
Hey, Morgan, it's Lip.
Uh, test went well.
No problem with the I.D....
one of the benefits
of your androgynous name.
I'm thinking I scored you,
like, a 2,200.
So send me that postcard
from Stanford, all right?
Later.
Morgan.
Morgan!
Or is it Greg Powers
or Pete O'Brien
or Jammal Jackson?
You taking tests
for girls now, Morgan?
Yeah, welcome
to your shit show.
I'm an investigator
for the Educational
Evaluation Service.
We're the people
who administer the...
Yeah, I know.
Oh, you do?
So why don't you tell me
how you cheat?
I don't cheat.
Oh... right.
I don't.
Uh-huh, let's see,
you got a 2,360,
2,290, 2,400, and all
from this crappy high school?
Yeah, I know my shit.
And I got a brand-new test
we just finished creating,
so why don't we go see
if you know your shit
or you're just full of it?
Karen.
Here.
Daddy Frank, what
are you doing?
Freezing my gonads
off, that's what.
You see that pickup with the
two scary-looking dudes in it?
Yes.
Divert their attention
so I can slip back
into the house.
Daddy Frank,
I really, really want you to
come to Parents Night tonight.
Nobody's ever there to see
how great I'm doing,
and I'm really,
really doing great.
Distract them and we'll talk.
Promise me you'll come to school
for me tonight and I'll do it.
All right, all right!
Jesus!
Everything's gotta be
quid pro fucking quo.
Go, distract, distract.
So, what have you allowed
to be stolen today?
Can we try some optimism?
Optimism
is for children and presidents,
not for mini-mart owners
in a land of 30 million jobless.
Where the hell were you?
Uh...
Why are you looking at him?
Where are you going
with all that stuff?
Nowhere, I...
Who?
Is it the Milkovich kid again?
That's it.
We're closed.
Follow me.
I cannot thank you
enough for representing
our family tonight
at Parents Night.
Karen is going to be so happy.
And make sure you ask
lots of questions
and then report back to me.
I need details,
lots of details.
Okay?
Details, details, yeah, yeah, lots
of details.
I'd stay down here
and entertain you
with my lips.
But it's getting kind of late.
No, those, those things
never start on time.
You sure?
Yeah, pretty sure.
They never...
We've got time.
Positive?
We've got time, we've got time.
Okay.
Come here.
Well, you missed one.
No, I didn't.
The wording is ambiguous.
You're gonna get mail on that.
Huh.
I'll take it up with the board.
Hm.
2,400.
You know how rare that is, hmm?
Out of a million
and a half kids
who take the test every year,
only 300 get a perfect score.
How'd you catch me?
Huh, well, as smart as you are,
we got people working
for us who are even smarter.
So what now?
Well, punishment or
redemption... your choice.
What's the punishment?
You mean, you entered into this
without researching
the consequences
of getting caught?
What, jail?
No, we're not
usually in the business
of sending kids to jail.
Our only mandate is to send
universities valid scores,
and we invalidate the ones
that aren't legitimate.
I'm at the
University of Chicago.
Come to my office.
And don't you ever, ever
take a test for
someone else again
or I will find you and I
will beat you senseless.
Hmm?
Where'd you learn
how to do that?
I lived a lot of years
before I met you.
Come on.
Now hold it like you want
to do something with it.
Hand it here.
What?
Left shoulder.
Right shoulder.
Left leg.
Right leg.
Stomach.
Neck... Face.
Heart.
ROTC.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
It's okay;
I brought you a shirt.
Okay.
Okay, now, listen up.
We are going to stand united
and show them
that we are a family
that is thriving.
You got it?
Yep.
Let's go.
All right.
Come on.
Come on.
This is it?
This is his brother.
Uh, Phillip.
Very good to see you
again, sir.
Uh, Phillip is 17, I'm 21, uh,
and while we may not be the
legal guardians of our brother,
we do supply him...
I told you I wanted
to see a parent.
We just opened the letter today.
I gave Carl
the letter last week.
So you're relying
on a nine-year-old to deliver
important correspondence?
You don't seem
to have a home phone.
Carl is taken care of
at home by loving siblings.
This is not up for negotiation.
Your brother is on the verge
of being expelled,
and unfortunately, there are
steps the state requires
to be taken
before he can be bounced,
and a meeting with his
legal guardian is the next step.
Please, you can't do this.
I mean, he loves school.
More potential victims here, I suppose.
No, all his friends are here.
Can you stop it?
I'm serious.
He needs more
structure, we know.
What Carl needs is medication,
a near-death experience,
or a lobotomy.
You should be very proud
of your daughter.
She's prompt, poised, cheerful.
Vivid imagination,
expansive vocabulary.
Karen has greatness
in her future.
She gets it from me.
It's all the time
I spent with her
when she was a youngster.
Flash cards and the like.
Pounding, pounding, pounding
relentlessly.
Never underestimate the power
of flash cards.
I'm sorry.
I'm placing a call
to social services.
A home without a legal guardian
is a home we cannot condone.
Hello all.
Uh, sorry I was late.
I got held up at the office.
So, now that Fiona
and I are engaged, I've filed
the paperwork so
that we can become
the legal guardians
of the children.
Do you realize Carl's
report card has seven U's?
Uh, U's?
As in unsatisfactory.
But don't think of U
as in unsatisfactory.
Think of U as in F.
As in failed?
As in fucked.
I am not a religious man,
but every now and then,
a child comes along
who makes me believe
in the existence of Satan.
Now, something drastic
must be done, or he's going
to slip down through the cracks,
right up into a clock tower
with a sniper rifle.
Given our
resources, he is
beyond our ability to help.
It's just a phase.
And... now that
we're aware of it...
Too late!
This Norman Rockwell display
might warm the cockles
of some other fool who
believes no fucking child...
not even the
budding psychotics...
should be left behind...
but the fact is,
the sooner
Carl is put in prison,
the safer
this world is gonna be.
More of a Mickey Hart fan
when it comes to paintings?
What? What's that?
More of a Mickey Hart fan
than a Norman Rockwell fan.
Mickey Hart's an
all right painter
for a drummer.
Could you all excuse us
for a second?
For what?
If we could just take a walk
and talk in private?
Get a breath of fresh air?
Evening, Frank.
Hey... ooh!
All you had to do is drive
the car and park it.
It was an extraordinary
circumstance.
It was the night the Bears
were playing Green Bay.
There was an after...
I'd be kicking you
had I not pulled a
hamstring chasing after you.
You're a fast little bastard.
Second team all-state
in the mile.
Daddy Frank?
Hey.
Sell a kidney,
prostitute your 12-year-old,
I don't care how
you get the money, but I want
six grand in cash by Saturday,
or this ear will be hanging
around my neck.
No one around here really knows
those terrapins are a
Grateful Dead thing.
The kids call 'em
Mr. G's turtles.
Shit, man, they don't even know
who the Grateful Dead are.
Ah, man.
The summer of 1979.
The best summer of my life.
Followed the Dead
around the Midwest.
Supported myself
selling grilled cheese
in the parking lot.
Yeah, they made great music.
Their music blows.
But their female fans...
...were a bunch
of patchouli-soaked sluts
who all wanted
to ball their first black guy.
I never embraced tokenism
with more gusto.
Those terrapins
were a parting gift
from this Skidmore chick...
...who sucked me off
like I had diamonds buried
in the bottom of my ball sack.
Whoo!
Man... this is
some good shit.
You know, we're gonna
turn Carl around.
Thanks for the joint...
but I'm not gonna lose
my pension
over some little whack job
going postal on my watch.
Though I do not distribute
high-quality medicine
such as this,
I could hook you up
with some discreet people
who'd give you
a favorable price.
We talking a teacher discount?
My man.
What the hell did you do?
Saw an opening, made my move.
Got lucky.
Daddy!
If I hadn't had such a...
Debbie, we got to go.
I want to say hi
to Daddy. Daddy!
Hi!
Hello, pumpkin!
Karen, what's going on?
Well, you said you never come
to these, so, I thought that
you weren't gonna come,
and so, I asked Frank
to stand in
for my worthless father.
Did they expel Carl?
What I tell you?
Drama and threats
all for naught.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
Bye, Daddy.
Yeah. See you.
Carl, we're serious.
The stakes are really,
really high.
We love you, and we need you
in this family.
In this house.
You need to stop biting
and punching
and hurting people.
Well, how else
do I make them cry?
Gossip and slander.
You know,
when I get really angry,
I usually just count to ten.
Hey, little man,
tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get you some
pads and some skates.
Get you out on the ice.
You can take your frustrations
out with a hockey stick.
Yeah. You can come
to karate with me.
Remember when I broke
Kyle Boozlee's leg?
It took three pins
to put it back together, huh?
You can't beat karate
when it comes to regulated,
sanctioned violence
for children.
Will you tell me one more time
what the teacher said, Frank?
How many more times?
Mm...
Just one more time.
Just one more time.
I... I would've known
if I'd been there,
but-but just one more.
They said
she was developing into an
incredibly poised young woman.
Poised?
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
She is.
She is quite the young lady.
Frank, how...
how am I gonna help her
be the woman she's
supposed to be
if I'm locked up in this house?
I can't even get
through the doors
of a pretend supermarket.
How am I gonna show her the...
Grand Canyon?
Life is going on
all around me, and
I'm missing out.
Why am I so pathetic?
Hey.
You are going to get through
those doors any day now,
and never look back.
Oh!
Frank.
Frank.
Thank you for being my light.
My Frank.
My light.
Hey.
Um... listen, Morgan,
it's-it's Lip.
Uh... we got to talk.
I-I got some bad news
regarding your S.A.T. scores.
They're invalidating your score.
Um...
I'll go into more detail
when I speak with you.
Sorry to leave this
on your phone.
All right. Um... okay.
Hit me back.
Yeah, I didn't need your help.
No, it looked like you did.
You're upset that
I actually did help.
You're afraid that
if I keep on showing up
and actually helping,
that you'll like it.
And liking it will lead
to relying on it,
and by relying on it,
you'll be less of the you
you've made yourself into...
a kick-ass you that you
like and I like, too.
But you're afraid that
if you learn to rely on me,
then one day, when you really
need me to show up, I won't.
And then you'll be
angry at yourself
for believing in something
you've only seen in the movies,
something that I'm determined
to prove to you actually exists.
How come every time
I want to fool around,
you can't shut up?
Hey.
I'm here for Lip
to pay him the balance
for the S.A.T. test?
Tire.
Lip, my man.
They invalidated my score!
Shit! I was gonna call you.
I'm gonna get, like, a six
on this test!
You get at least
a couple hundred for spelling
your name correctly.
Shit! Wait! Wait! Wait!
I can fix this, all right?
I won't be able
to play ball in college!
Fuck, you'll go
straight to the pros!
Please...
You think you'll live if I drop
you on your head? I don't.
Lip!
Shit!
Shit!
Get him back inside!
Back off,
or I'll throw you out, too.
Let him go!
Get my brother
back in the house,
or the kid swings the bat.
Okay, okay.
Now!
Keep your shit straight;
I'll pull him in.
Hey, now!
Come on!
What the hell is going on?
Carl's got it covered.
I was just joking.
Okay?
Okay?
Hey, uh, uh, you ever been
with a black guy?
Does rape count?
Um...
I was acquitted.
Re-Sync by abc_321