Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Hunger for Bread - full transcript

Yeah, and I've ordered
the plaque, so...

Mum 's anniversary
is gonna be perfect.

I know you suggested
handpicked flowers

but I was thinking Mum would want
more of a statement. Don't you?

Yeah, you can be in
charge of the flowers.

[SEBASTIAN CLEARS HIS THROAT] - Perfect.

What?
- I said " perfect".

I would hide the
biscuits if I were you.

Got to go. Speak soon.

Val Twigg. Lu
Shakespeare and Frank...

Fatblasters!



My business is ruined.
He 's ruined my life.

Want a cup of tea?

Uh, who 's ruined your life?

Kit Willow.

Slimming guru.

And his business
partner, Diana Winter.

I mean, look at her...

she 's never
dieted in her life!

Lean and hungry.

How exactly have they
ruined your business?

They've stolen my Twiggsters.
- Sorry?

My slimming club members.

Oh, right. Stolen?

This is a marketing problem. Uh,
we 're private investigators.



Your website said that
you did corporate work.

FRANK: Well, yes, but...

I need to know everything
there is to know

about their business model.

OK, but, uh...

corporate rates can be higher...

VAL: Twiggsters
is my livelihood.

I ' Il use my
savings if I have to.

OK, OK. Sounds like
an undercover job.

Sebastian... in a fat suit?

I could channel
my inner Falstaff.

[HE LAUGHS DEEPLY]

You should go.

What me?

Wh ...?

Are you saying I'm fat?

No, I'm saying you're a woman.

There are more women in the group.
- See...

Besides it will help you to
forget about... other stuff.

Oh, Kit likes pretty
blondes with a sharp brain.

Do you know any?

Look, if it's too much for you, I
could just go to another agency.

No, not too much.

I mean... [SHE LAUGHS]

I can... I can pretend that I
need to lose weight, can't I?

That's fine. When
's the next class?

[MAN SHOUTS:] You tear off those
mental shackles of negativity

that are holding you back

and open yourself up
to a new way of life!

And Fatblasters...

will lead the way.

The only question is...

will you follow?

I can see it!

[SHE LAUGHS] I can see
the slimming light!

[THEY APPLAUD]

Say it with me, Slim!

Say it with me!
- I'm with you.

Our path to thinness!

SLl M: Our path to thinness!

KIT: ls a way to slimness!

SLl M: Is a way to slimness!
[THEY APPLAUD]

And on this journey we begin.

And on this journey we begin.

To be thin! Come on everyone!
[THEY APPLAUD]

To be thin!

Let' s jump up. Let' s jump up!

Ooh! I spy a new member.

Come on, team, what do
we do with new members?

[THEY APPLAUD ] That's
it, well done, well done.

Come on. Don't be
shy, don't be shy.

Come take that first step
on your journey to thinness.

Sit down.

Now everyone, I want you
all to take a minute...

What are you doing here?

KIT: to think about
your slimming pledge.

Just the same thing
as you. [SHE CHUCKLES]

I'm surprised you've got time for
this. I thought you were working.

Yeah, well, gotta keep trim.

KIT: Everyone...

I'm surprised Mum
never brought you here.

KIT: in this beautiful group.
- Ahem!

Sorry.
- KIT: Lose weight...

you spread that word

and let the Fatblasters
family grow and grow and grow!

[THEY APPLAUD]

Um...
- Lia.

I've been spreading the word.

Our-our new member
is my sister, Luella.

KIT: Welcome, Luella! Welcome.

Come on, everyone, let's give her
the Fatblasters welcome, shall we?

Come on, stand up.

Come on. Think slim, be slim...

ALL: Stay slim.
- KIT: Come on, everyone.

ALL: Think slim,
be slim, stay slim.

[THEY APPLAUD]

Welcome!

That's it, Mary, that's
it. Shake those hips.

No to chips.

Yeah, that's it, OK.
Sit down, thank you.

Right, let's get down
to business, shall we?

Now, first off...

Congratulations to you all.

Now, this week...

collectively

you have all lost a
whopping 52 pounds!

Well done, everyone, well done!

Amazing!

Unfortunately though...

not everyone has had a loss.

Slim Jim...

what is happening to
our loser of the year?

That's four weeks on the trot
you've had a gain. What' s going on?

Ah, yeah. Um... No, I've been...
I've been walking quite a bit. Uh...

Maybe the fat is
turning to muscles.

Oh, you've been doing
a lot of walking?

Yeah. Yeah.

To the takeaway?

You were spotted.

We all need a treat, don't
we? [HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

What, every night of the week?

[HE SIGHS]

You know, not only...

have you let yourself
down, Slim...

you've let this
wonderful family down...

and you've let me down.

So...

Anyway, forgive and forget.

Right, who 's next?

Ah! Mary.

Mary. Now, this week...

you have lost two pounds!

Two pounds, Mary, well done!
[ ALL APPLAUD]

KIT: Well done!

If only all our members were as
committed as you, eh? Slim Jim?

Hm?

[INDISTlNCT CONVERSATION]

Who 's that?

Diana Winter. She 's ambitious, driven.

Counting fivers in a church
hall, hardly Trump Towers, is it?

No, it's... Yeah, it's good.

Luella Shakespeare,
so great to meet you.

Oh, you too.

Ah, two sisters
looking so stunning...

Oh, thank you.

Despite last year's terrible tragedy.

Losing your mother is a...
it's a very traumatic event.

Yeah, well... Yeah.

Yeah.

I, uh...

it ruined the cruise for
the other passengers.

Lia!

Well, they had to turn the ship
around looking for the bodies.

Poor Genevieve. And on the very night
she was invited to the captain 's table.

I did warn her about the low
balconies in those cabins.

Is it true he 'd just proposed?

Not according to his wife. No.

At least she died in the
arms of someone she loved.

Yeah.

I can't believe your naughty
sister kept you a secret.

Well, she ' s good at keeping
secrets aren't you, Lia?

[SHE LAUGHS] Like your
membership with Fatblasters.

Who knew?

Lia! First rule
of slimming club?

Oh, first rule of slimming club, outside
of slimming club, talk about slimming club.

[KIT LAUGHS]

Your sister is hilarious!

She certainly is.

And now we have her older sister.
- Younger!

Whoops! I'm sorry.

You know what...

have a new members goody bag.

Just for you.
- Thanks.

It's completely free, so...

Alright, if you 'Il excuse us, I 'Il just take
your beautiful sister for a quick one to one.

Of course, Kit.

"Older"! Hm!

He 's an angel.

LU: Is he?

Can't you see his
little halo shining?

Now, Mary, you aren't scaring
off new members are you?

No, of course not, Diana.

Will you be my buddy?

Sorry, your what?

Slimming buddy. Um...

Maybe let Lu ease
herself in gently, hm?

No. Yeah.

Yes, that's a great idea. Yeah,
shall we... shall we swap numbers?

Oh, yes.
- LU: Yeah?

Lovely.
[THEY LAUGH]

[DIANA INDISTANCE: ]I told
you, you're too hard on him!

KIT: I will not let that
fat idiot ruin my business!

DIANA: Your business?

What are you talking
about? We are partners.

KIT: I am the face of Fatblasters!
I can always find a new partner.

DIANA: You 'd be nothing without me.
- KIT: I 'd be nothing?

DIANA: Yes!
- KIT: I am the brand, Diana.

I am the brand!

DIANA: I am the business
and I'm the brains.

KIT: Who cares about
the...? I'm the brand!

DIANA: Just listen!
[ CAMERA CLICKS]

DIANA: Stop being
too hard on him.

KIT: I am Fatblasters! Diana,
you always go on about this.

[CAMERA CLICKS] [ARGUMENT
CONTI NUES INDISTINCTLY]

[FOOTSTEPS THUD]

Lu!

Hi!
- Hi!

You're still here.

Yeah! I ' m, um... I was just
getting... I left my scarf, so...

That was, uh... And then...

Exercise classes!

You do them and I
love exercise, so...

Ah! We've got a circuit
class tomorrow night.

KIT: Yeah.
- Circuits?

KIT: Yeah, shouldn't be a
problem for a fit girl like you.

Once you pull up that
Lycra, off you go.

And if you need any gym wear,
we have our own branded range.

That's great! [SHE LAUGHS]

Brilliant. Well, that' s... Well,
that's that sorted, isn't it.

Great, see you
then. That's good.

[HE SIGHS]

Oh, she finally arrives.

Here, put that in that box.

Aw. Yeah.

Did she actually wear that?
- Yeah.

She was really popular
at the tennis club.

Well, she needed
some fashion advice.

I suppose you're hungry?
- No!

Maybe a bit. I mean, I could have
something if you had it, anyway.

Help yourself.

[SHE SCOFFS]

I've got the appetite
of a bird these days.

Yeah, no, me too.

It's all down to Kit.

He 's got this... aura.
The weight just falls off.

Yeah?

Slim Jim has lost eight
and a half stone in a year!

Wow! That's like a whole other
person. How's he done that?

Diet, determination...

and a lot of sweat.

What are these?

I keep finding them everywhere.

Yeah, Mum loved her
pottery classes.

She always thought her teacher
looked like Patrick Swayze.

There ' s hundreds of them.

Yeah, she was probably
better at vases, actually.

Well, we can't keep them all.
They' Il have to go in the skip.

What? No! Can't we at least put
some of them in the charity box?

We could 've cleared all
this if you 'd come earlier!

Yeah, well, I've
been busy working.

Well, you weren't too busy
to go to a slimming class.

[SHE GASPS] Or were you snooping?

No!

Lu, what were you doing there?

[GIRLS GIGGLE...]

You look just like
Mum when you do that.

And you look like Dad
when he was lying!

I don't.
- Yes, you do. Two peas in a pod.

Yeah, well, we had to be
with you and Mum around.

Well, he put you on a
pedestal. I can't see why.

Right, I'm not staying for this!
- Look, no way.

No way am I clearing
this mess up on my own.

This is not a mess! This
is my childhood home!

It's our childhood home! And
I am not doing this by myself!

You could have just waited, Lia!

You could have just waited
until after Mum 's anniversary!

No, no, no!

Get out of my way!

Well, it's got to
be done some time!

[SHE GIRLS GIGGLE ROANS]

Oh. Well, they're probably oversized
because of the before and after photos.

Look at Slim Jim
's social media.

LU: Oh, wow!

SEBASTIAN: And that is all
since joining Fatblasters.

It's all a big
con, if you ask me.

No, it's not. Lia said he
's lost loads of weight.

Slimming classes... preying on people
's insecurities, ripping them off.

Crash diets that never work.

It's just a big vicious
money-making, self-loathing cycle.

Well... No, they do try and
encourage some healthy eating.

Ah. [HE SIGHS]

Nothing healthy about that.

Those are for members only.

Mm. You know, they're
actually quite good.

Oh, hi, Mary.

[SHE YAWNS]

Oh, dear, a bit of
a long day, was it?

Not been sleeping too well.

Uh... sports bags
live on the bench.

Oh, right, yes. Sorry.

Right.

Um...

Oh. Right.

[MARY CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

So, are you not, uh,
are you not working out?

Oof, not tonight.

Aw. I 'Il have to
find another buddy.

Lu, darling, need a partner?

I was just gonna ask Jim, actually...
- Why don't you partner up

with your delightful sister?

LU: Yeah.

Nothing like a bit of sibling
rivalry to get you motivated.

That's great.

Thank you.

Oh, hello.

Look, um, I don't... I
don't want any trouble.

I think we were both just
a bit upset, weren't we?

What are you talking about?

Well...
[ LIA EXHALES]

[HE BLOWS WHISTLE]

Gather round to
lose those pounds.

Fatblasters slimmers?

ALL: We are winners!

Never quit!

ALL: Let' s get fit!

Right, running on the spot.

Arms to the right!

Arms to the left!

Up on high, down below.

And running on the spot
again. Knees up high.

KIT: Come on, Lu.
[ SHE EXHALES]

Bit more effort.

[SHE EXHALES ] KIT: That's it.

Strong arms, Lia, strong arms.

Yep.
- Pump it, pump it!

I'm pumping it, I'm pumping it.

Pump.
- Pump.

Take control.
- Achieve your goals!

Alright, 20 burpees.

What?

Burpees?

What has happened to
your energy levels, Slim?

You managed burpees fine last month
and you never even broke a sweat!

LIA: Come on.
- Yeah.

[HE BLOWS WHISTLE]

Right, come on, change partners.

No, no, no, not you.

Finish those first.

[LU PANTS]

[JIM GIRLS GIGGLE RUNTS]

Here. Well done.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, lovely!

Hi, Lu, how you feeling?

Oh, you know, it was amazing. I
just can't wait to do it again.

Great stuff.

Thank you.

Bye, Lu, see you.
- Bye, then.

[SHE TUTS ]Why can't folk
tidy up after themselves!

Oh, not me this time,
not guilty. [SHE LAUGHS]

Do you need a hand?

Nearly done. Thanks, Lu.

Oh, thank goodness.

Come here, you little devil!

Bye, then.

[MARY BRUSHES ANGRl LY]

Uh, bye, then, Mary.

I'm trying my best, but it's
not good enough for you.

Nothing 's ever
good enough for you!

KIT: lt's called motivation.

I 'm-I 'm sick of it
and I'm sick of you!

How dare you!

Oh! Just calm down, hm?

Come on then, big man. Come on!

I can't do this anymore.

DIANA: I told you
not to push him.

Everything ' s fine.

Just a bit of
Fatblasters tough love.

He 'Il be back.

Stupid, stupid idiot!

[LU SIGHS]

Jim.

You OK?

Oh, look. Here.

[HE SIGHS] Thanks.

Sorry. I...

I didn't mean to...

It's alright. Kit giving
you a hard time, was he?

Fatblasters is the only place
I've lost weight this quickly.

And now, I've... I've blown it.

No, I'm sure they'Il have you back.

Thing is...

I can't afford it.

Yeah, I mean, it
is a bit expensive.

Spent it all on takeaway.

Me too.
[THEY LAUGH]

I keep eating things I really
shouldn't. Biscuits, crisps, cakes.

Oh, you know the cake shop on
the high street that has...

[SHE GASPS] [BOTH: ]The
tangy little sweets on top!

I've stopped buying Fatblasters biscuits,
can barely afford the membership.

Do you think that's why he
's giving you a hard time?

[HE SIGHS]

I shouldn't have overreacted.

Listen, don't worry about it, it's the stress.
It's cake withdrawal.

[HE LAUGHS] Yeah.

Oh. I should really
apologise, shouldn't I?

Why don't you wait till tomorrow?
Let everyone calm down, you know.

Things look better
in the morning.

Yeah.

I suppose so.

Oh, thanks, Lu.
- It's alright.

Goodnight.

Oh, yeah, you can have them.
- Thank you.

Morning.

Hi, Diana.

Diana?

Anyone there?

[SHE GASPS]

[SHE SCREAMS]

SEBASTIAN: Put
money in thy purse.

Yeah, no wonder Slim
Jim can't afford it.

They must be making a fortune.

Yeah, hook ' em in
and sell ' em tat.

[MOBl LE PHONE RlNGS]

What? I'm busy doing my doodles.

She is your sister.

[OFFICE PHONE RlNGS]

There you go, if
you're such a fan.

Shakespeare and Hathaway
private investigators.

Lia! What a lovely surprise.

Oh, I'm afraid Lu 's not...

A body?

A post-mortem is being
carried out on the body

which at present
remains unidentified.

Whilst the precise cause of
death is yet to be confirmed

I can say that this
was a ferocious...

Is he wearing make-up?

And sustained attack.
- LU: Yeah, a lot of men do.

KEELER: We are appealing to anyone...
- Yeah. Kit does.

Men 's grooming. Biggest untapped market.
[ HE SCOFFS]

KEELER: Anyone
acting strangely...

Thank goodness you're here.
- What's going on?

It's just awful.
Mary found a body.

Oh! Is she OK?

No! She 's just seen a man with his
skull caved in, of course she 's not OK.

Who is it?

They don't know
because the face was...

[SHE BREATHES DEEPLY]

Between you and me, I
think it might be Kit.

Kit!
- Shut up!

Sorry.

He was wearing his
monogramed tracksuit.

The one he was wearing
last night, baby blue?

The blood will never
come out of it.

It's a cashmere blend.

Doesn't mean it's definitely him
because he was wearing the same clothes.

He ' s got a very distinctive birthmark.
- Where?

Oh!

I 'Il, um... Yeah, I 'Il go
and find out what' s going on.

What?

Alright?

KEELER: What sort of deranged
animal could do that?

Speaking of deranged animals...

What are you doing
sniffing around here?

Ah, Joseph, always a
pleasure. Tough case?

No, it's not.

Looking a bit green
around the gills.

No, I don't.

Oh, it's probably
just the make-up.

What do you want?

I'm here on a related case. Just
wondered if I could be of assistance.

You? Be of assistance?

Only trying to be helpful...

It would be helpful if you
kept your nose out of my case.

[HE SCOFFS] Sorry, sweet cheeks.

[HE GIRLS GIGGLE ROWLS]

It was like a scene
from a horror film.

LU: You poor thing.

Like one of my nightmares.

And you think it was Kit?

Hm.

Can you think of anyone
that would want to hurt him?

No. Everyone adored him.
- Hm.

I'm so sorry.

It's devastating.

Kit was Fatblasters.

Who would 've thought when
we left here last night...?

You left here together?

I gave Mary a lift home.

Such a savage attack.

Don't think about it, Mary.

Do you think it could
be business related?

You know, is there anyone that
he fell out with recently, or...?

Val Twigg!

Val?
- You know her?

Sort of.

She was here last night.

Was she?

Worse than a stalker.
- What, Val?

Hanging around like a bad smell.

Do you think that Kit
and Val maybe were...?

It was quite a shock.

I thought he had better taste.

When he broke it off...

It's her the police
should be talking to.

Will you excuse us?

I 'Il distract Keeler, you talk to Val.
- Yeah.

[SHE SIGHS]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Hiya.

I wondered if I could have a word.
- VAL: What is it?

It's about Kit.

You ' d better come in.

Thanks.

Oh, you 're, uh, not weighing
in with the Twiggsters then?

Uh, I was just
testing them for...

[VAL SIGHS]

Who am I trying to kid?
Twiggsters is just me.

I don't suppose I could
offer you a discount?

I'm busy, you know.
Working on the case.

Have you made any progress?

[SHE SIGHS] I'm afraid I've
got a bit of bad news.

Can things get much worse?

They found a body
at Fatblasters.

A body?

Yeah, and they think
it might be Kit.

It can't be.

I only saw him last night.

You think I...

Oh, I didn't...
I-I-I couldn't...

What time did you
leave there last night?

Uh...

Just before nine. About five to.

How come you never mentioned
your relationship with Kit?

[SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE]

We met at a
slimmers' conference.

He was one of the
speakers there.

All the women adored him.

Hung on his every word...

but he chose me.

Hm.

And like a fool...
[SHE CHUCKLES]

You...

He was only interested
in one thing...

My members.

Your members?
- Mm.

He pumped me for information on my
business, even came along to my meetings.

Then he dumped me. By text!

What were you doing at
Fatblasters last night?

He phoned me yesterday, out the
blue. Said he wanted to see me.

I'm so pleased
you could make it.

Val, darling...

I 'd like to make a proposal.

Yes?

A partnership...

of sorts.

In Fatblasters.

Fatblasters!
- Yeah.

What about Diana?

Diana's history,
forget about her.

I 'd be the front
man, obviously.

And you could do all the back room,
paperworky stuff that you're so good at.

You might want to
slim down, just a tad.

Val!
[DOOR OPENS]

Val? It's all about the brand!

[DOOR CLOSES ][HE SIGHS]

[SlREN WAlLS]

[SHE GASPS ]You've got to help me.

I didn't kill him.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Val Twigg?

Yes.

KEELER: Valorie Twigg, I'm arresting you
on suspicion of the murder of Kit Willow.

You do not have to say anything.
But, it may harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned
something you later rely on in court.

Anything you do say may
be given as evidence.

Are you interfering
with my case again?

No, I'm just visiting a client.

You tell Frank Hathaway
I am not stupid.

Our victim. Kit Willow.

Early 40s, Fatblasters'
charismatic slimming guru.

And he met his business
partner, Diana Winter in 2014

at a slimming conference.

She heard him speak
and then, well...

The cash rolled in.

Yeah.
- If Diana is his business partner

why would she want to kill
Fatblasters' golden goose?

Maybe she knew he wanted
to lay eggs with Val?

Well, Diana claims that she left
Kit to lock up on his own that night

and she dropped Mary home.

Who is Mary?

Oh, she 's my slimming buddy.
Yeah, she 's really sweet.

Does she have a motive?

Well, to be fair, she doesn't
look like she could take Kit on.

Yeah, and anyway,
Diana dropped her home.

They could have come back?

Or it could have
been an opportunist?

Nah, I've got a
feeling in me guts...

Hold it in.

This has definitely got
something to do with Fatblasters.

It was too brutal to
be a random attack.

And there was a slimming
biscuit wrapper at the scene.

Val had the motive
and the opportunity.

Hm. She did seem surprised
when she found out he was dead.

What about the sweaty one?

Slim Jim? Mm.

Kit' s his last hope
of losing weight.

So where does that leave us?

[SHE SIGHS ]I don't know.

FRANK: Look. We ' re gonna
have to include your sister.

What, Lia?
- She was a member of the slimming club

she knew the victim and
she was there on the night.

Yeah, she could have
some vital information.

OK, I 'Il talk to her.
- I 'Il come with you.

No.

Because I think the gentle
approach would be better.

So, I 'Il come with you.

[LU SIGHS]

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine. I don't
need a counsellor.

Sorry.

Sorry.

[SHE SIGHS] lt's just getting
rid of all Mum 's stuff

it seems...

it seems really final.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hello, Sebastian,
lovely to see you.

And you.

Oh, excuse the mess.

Oh, you should see
the state of my place.

Is that an invitation?

[THEY LAUGH]

Yeah, so, we just thought we 'd come along
and see how the plans for the anniversary...

Ow!
- Sorry.

I've got a viewing in a minute
so you 'd better be quick.

Charming.
- Have you sorted the flowers out for Friday?

What? No, you were supposed
to be sorting the flowers.

Was I?

Yes.
[ DOORBELL CHIMES]

Gosh, they're early.

Oh!

Oh, it's Diana.

Hello, Diana.

Hang on a minute.

Go.

Is she OK? She seems
a bit stressed.

Yeah, well, she 's not the only one.

LIA: Hello, Diana.

DIANA: Lia, I'm so
sorry to impose.

LIA: No, no, not at all.
Come through, come through.

Hello, Diana.

Lu 's just leaving.

What? Am I?

I'm Sebastian, Lu 's work
colleague. So sorry for your loss.

[SHE SIGHS]

Everyone 's been so kind.

Slim Jim came
round with flowers.

People have left tributes
at the church hall.

He was so loved.

Mm. Well, not by everyone.

Lu!
- Well, I mean, obviously.

Someone wanted him dead.
- Uh!

I think we 'd better go, yes?

Yes, I think you better had.

I am so sorry, Diana.

Now, I don't want you
to worry about anything.

I'm going to ring
all the members.

DIANA: Oh, if you could.

I'm gonna tell them all
about what' s happened

and I'm gonna cancel
Kit's sessions.

No!

Oh!

No.

That won't be necessary.
I 'Il take over.

It's what he would have
wanted. The show must go on.

Hm?

Um, is Lia on something?

Something 's not right.

Look how clean and
tidy Diana's car is.

Robyn only looks like this
when she ' s had a valet.

Well, this has been valeted.

Oh, yeah.

Uh... Lu. [HE CHUCKLES]

LU: Oh... She 's missed a
bit there, so I was just...

That's it, looking good.

Awkward.

You go back to the office. I'm
gonna go back in when Diana leaves.

Are you sure that's wise?

Yeah, I need to speak to Lia.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Hello.

Where 's Lu?

Oh, a change of plan.
She stayed behind.

Oh. How were they?

On a scale of one to ten?

If one is... HE
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

And ten is... [HE
CHUCKLES CRAZILY]

Then I would say nearer
death by dumbbell.

But it is their mum '
s anniversary tomorrow.

Lu shouldn't really be working.

Mm, yeah, you're right.

That's not what
you said earlier.

Hop to it, you!

We've gotta solve this
case. And quickly.

[HE SIGHS]

How many of those have you had?

I've got to keep my strength up.

[LU GIRLS GIGGLE ROANS]

Poor Mum.

Poor Mum? More like poor us!

What?

Yeah, I mean, she shamed us.

She fell off a cruise liner
being groped by the captain!

Don't talk about Mum like that!

Why not?

Because she was always
so lovely to you.

No, she wasn't.

Yes, she was. She always
thought you were perfect.

No, she didn't.

She absolutely did. You
were always her favourite.

No, she was always
going on about you.

It was always Lu
this and Lu that.

Do you know she sent me
every single press cutting

when you won that stupid
hairdressing competition.

Did she?

Yeah, imagine how I felt, playing
second fiddle to a hairdresser.

[SHE LAUGHS] How dare you?

Get out!
- There ' s nothing wrong

with being a hairdresser!
And anyway, I'm actually...

I'm a private investigator
now. What are you doing?

Get out!
- What are you doing?

Just get out!
- Ow!

You stupid, spoilt,
entitled, moo moo!

[SHE SOBS] Moo moo!

[SHE CRlES]

I'm sorry, a
barrage of biscuits?

Yeah, in my face!

I think you're right, I
think she might be on drugs.

Who?
- Lia.

Well, that would fit. Erratic
behaviour, aggression, nightmares.

I thought she was clean living.

She is, supposedly. Body's a
temple and all that rubbish.

Unless, she was spiked.

SEBASTIAN: If this has been going on
for a while, she could be addicted.

Yeah, and we 'd have
to wean her off it.

Yeah, but first we 'd
have to work out what it is

and how it's getting
into her system.

Mary's been having nightmares.

Has she?
- Yeah.

Sebastian, do Fatblasters
have a vitamin tablet?

They certainly do.

Be easy enough to put an
appetite suppressant in them.

Yeah, but not into Lia.

She doesn't do tablets.

Gag reflex.

SEBASTIAN: Um...

Oh! I mean, I know they look like cardboard
but they are actually really moreish...

Oh, you little beauties.

Sebastian, check
out that factory.

I know we 're all
deeply shocked by what...

Oh! Welcome. Come in.

Come in, join us.

We 'Il weigh you both in later.

You two better not be
here to cause any trouble.

Mary.

How have you been coping?

[SHE BLOWS AlR] lt's...

I was just wondering...

Yes?
- Uh, where do you get the drugs?

DIANA: Drugs?

Oh, sorry you must be in the wrong
group. Rehab is Monday afternoon.

Oh. Uh, my name
is Frank Hathaway.

I work with Lu. We 're
private investigators.

A client of ours, Val Twigg is about
to be charged with Kit's murder.

Positivity!

Positivity!

Let's forget about murder.

And the thing is, we
believe she 's innocent.

Val just wanted to know the
secret of Fatblasters' success.

The group 's miraculous
weight loss was achieved by...

Will power!

Drugs.

A deadly designer
drug called the Beast.

It was hidden in the slimming
biscuits, would you believe?

And it's highly addictive.

FRANK: With some
nasty side effects.

[SHE LAUGHS] This is ludicrous!

Yes, it is ludicrous.

Come on you two.
- What?

Get out.
- Lia, no!

[LU AND LIA ARGUE ] Extreme
aggression, nightmares

hallucinations.

Get out!
- See? All this manic behaviour

all these mood swings. One minute
you're up, the next you're down.

I'm bound to be upset this
week. It's Mum 's anniversary.

You assaulted me with a biscuit!

Excuse me?

Wow. Um...

Do you always sweat like that?

No. Just the last couple of...

Couple of weeks?

Yeah.

It's withdrawal.

Withdrawal.

FRANK: You see...

I believe the Beast caused someone
in this room... to murder Kit.

DIANA: Kit had nothing
to do with drugs.

I agree.
- Thank you.

Finally! [SHE CHUCKLES]

It was you who masterminded
the Beast in the biscuit.

The Beast in the biscuit.

This is an invoice from the
factory made out to you.

[SHE CHUCKLES] You honestly
believe this guff?

We know that Kit was looking
for another business partner.

He called Val on the
night he was murdered.

Asked to meet her at the office. According
to her, she left at five to nine.

KIT: lt's just...

It's all about the brand, Val.

What the hell was
she doing here?

[HE SIGHS] None of
your business, Diana.

Get out my way!

Mary?

How many of these slimming
biscuits are you having every day?

Loads.

Yeah.

And are you on any medication?

Yeah.

You see, I think that the build-up
of the Beast in your system

along with the tablets
that you've been taking

has caused an extreme reaction.

Thoughtless, lazy people!

[LITTER CLATTERS]

Kit!
- What?

Please pick that up.

Why don't you pick that
up yourself, Mrs Mop?

That's what cleaners
are paid for, hm?

Litterbug!
- Ooh! I'm scared.

What you gonna do, tickle me to
death with your feather duster?

[HE LAUGHS]

[SHE GIRLS GIGGLE RUNTS]

What the hell is going on?

[THUM PlNG NOISE] [ MARY:]
Show! Some! Respect!

Mary!
- MARY: Be responsible

and pick up your litter!

[MARY PANTS] - What
have you done?

I was just having a word
with Kit about his littering.

Uh, I...

I fainted, isn't
that right, Diana?

There is no evidence to
prove this fantasy story.

Maybe you're the one on drugs!

Just tell me the truth.

This had nothing to do with me!

Why did you get your car
valeted the next morning then?

The "vall-et" said...

"Val-ay."

The "val-ay" said you told them
it was your injured pet dog.

It was Kit's blood on Mary's clothing
that stained the front passenger seat.

You didn't want a drug scandal so you drove
Mary away from the scene of the crime.

So what if I helped
a friend in need?

I didn't murder him.

You assisted an offender and
withheld vital information.

As well as drugging everyone.

Shut door upon me

and so give me up to the
sharp 'st kind of justice.

FRANK: DS Keeler? It's Frank.

[HE SIGHS] Hathaway.

Listen, you better get
down to the church hall.

I think we've solved the case.

[MARY CRlES] How could I
have done that to Kit?

Oh, Mary, it's not your fault.

None of us have been ourselves
these last few weeks.

You didn't murder anybody!

It wasn't you, Mary,
it was the drugs.

[SHE SOBS] Ugh.

Hey, Joe! Ha! Maybe you should
put your make-up back on?

Call another press conference.

Announce Val ' s release
after her wrongful arrest.

Hilarious.

[HE LAUGHS] - Poor Mary.

FRANK: Well, if they can prove she
was acting under the influence of drugs

they might be able to argue
for diminished responsibility.

I hope so, she was hardly
in her right mind, was she?

Oh, that is good news.

It means I don't have to apologise
for my appalling behaviour.

Oh, typical.

Um, not even a little apology?

No.

Teeny tiny apology?

[SHE TUTS]

Alright.

Sorry, Lu.

Aw. And really, we should
be thanking Lia in a way.

Because were it not for her
timely biscuit bombardment

we might never have
solved the case.

Thanks. Yeah, thanks, great.

There we go. A joint Shakespeare
and Hathaway family effort.

Oh, don't look like that.

I'm going home tomorrow anyway.
- LU: What?

We've had an offer
on Mum 's house.

Full asking price.

Oh, right. Well, that was quick.

Yeah, I know.

A young family, two girls.

Two girls, hey?

Hm.

Do you think they'Il argue
over who gets the biggest room?

Yeah, probably.

And do you think the
old bossy one will win?

No, I think the
young tubby one will.

[SHE LAUGHS]

LIA: Well, the plaque's nice.
LU: Yeah.

And the flowers are...

LIA: I asked for a traditional
bouquet in her favourite colours.

She always hated blue.

Hated it.

And she hated benches.

[SHE SOBS]

She hated me.

She did.
[ LU LAUGHS]

[THEY BOTH LAUGH AND CRY]

All 's well that ends well.

Oh!

Look, huh?
Genevieve's favourite.

Oh!

With pineapple!

How did you know?

A detective never
reveals his sources.

Mum developed her love of pizza and
red wine on a holiday in Naples.

She did.

LU: Excuse me.
- Hide the evidence!

Hey, Val!
- Val!

Wow! You look amazing.
- Oh, thanks!

Jim said it was you.

Jim?

Jim!

FRANK: Oh!
- LU: Hey, Jim!

SEBASTIAN: New members?

Some old, some new.

Oh, that's brilliant!

I just want to say thanks.

Twiggsters wouldn't have
survived if it weren't for you.

Oh, better go. Don't want to
keep the group waiting. Bye!

Bye-bye.
Bye, Val.

To Genevieve.

[LU AND LIA:] To Mum.

Cheers.
- Cheers.