Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 16 - The Burning - full transcript

Jerry is stunned to learn that his new girlfriend has a mysterious "tractor story" that she is not telling him. Kramer and Mickey act out symptoms for medical school students, but Kramer gets repeatedly typecast. George perfects the showmanship art of going out on a high note during meetings at Kruger. Meanwhile, Elaine is stunned to learn that Puddy is religious, and he informs her that she's going to hell.

All right, be careful with the car, babe.
And don't move the seat.

- I got it right where I like it.
- Good bye.

- Two and 10, babe.
- Okay.

- Don't peel out.
- I won't.

Jesus is one, Jesus is all

Jesus, pick me up when I fall

And he said unto Abraham...

Amen, amen

So we pray...




According to our latest
quarterly thing...

Kruger Industrial Smoothing
is heading into the red.

Or the black.
Or whatever the bad one is.

Any thoughts?

Well, I...
I know, when I'm a little strapped...

I sometimes drop off my rent check
having "forgotten" to sign it.

That could buy us some time.

Works for me.
Good thinking, George.

- Good idea.
- All right, George. Way to go, man.

Or we don't even send the check...

and then when they call,
we pretend we're the cleaning service.

"Hello? I'm sorry, no here Kruger."

Are you done?

Silly voices.
Come on, people, let's get real.

- Good one.
- That was bad.

I had them, Jerry. They loved me.

- And then?
- I lost them.

I can usually come up with
one good comment during a meeting...

but by the end, it's buried
under a pile of gaffes and bad puns.

Showmanship, George.

When you hit that high note,
you say good night and walk off.

- I can't just leave.
- That's the way they do it in Vegas.

- You never played Vegas.
- I hear things.

Here's one.

I borrowed Puddy's car...

and all the presets on his radio
were Christian rock stations.

I like Christian rock.

It's very positive.

It's not like those real musicians
who think they're so cool and hip.

So you think that Puddy actually
believes in something?

Well, it's a used car. He probably
never changed the presets.

Yes. He is lazy.

He doesn't know
how to program the buttons.

Yes. He is dumb.

So you prefer dumb and lazy
to religious?

Dumb and lazy I understand.

I'll tell you how you could check.

Reprogram all the buttons,
see if he changes them back.

You know, the old switcheroo.

No, no, the old switcheroo
is you poison your drink...

and then you switch it
with the other person's.

No, it's doing the same thing
to someone that they did to you.

Elaine's gonna do the same thing to
Puddy's radio that the radio did to her.

- Well, that's the gist of it.
- Quiet!

- So where is this Sophie?
- She's picking me up in a few minutes.

- How long have you been together?
- I don't know. Since the last one.

Oh, here she is.
You wanna meet her?

By the way, how did Puddy
get back in the picture?

I... I needed to move a bureau.

Jerry, you got any pepper?

- Hey, Jerry.
- Hey, Mickey.

- Check the peppershaker.
- Yeah.


See? It should sound like that.
Something like that.

No, a little wetter.
See, I didn't believe it.

What's with the fake sneezing?

We're going down
to Mount Sinai Hospital.

See, they hire actors to help
the students practice diagnosing.

They assign you a disease
and you act out the symptoms.

- It's an easy gig.
- Yeah.

- Do medical schools actually do this?
- Well, the better ones.

All right,
let's practice retching, huh?


I think the phone is ringing.

Would you hold it a second?

Thank you. Will you get out of here
with that stuff?

Mickey, D.T.'s, huh?

- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.

- Elaine?
- No. It's me.


Jerry, it's Sophie.

I can't believe
you don't recognize my voice.

I knew it was you. I was joking.

I'm a comedian.

Hey, you got any ipecac?

Ipecac? Kramer, I really think
you guys are going too far with this.

- No. Mickey, he swallowed 12 aspirin.
- Did he overdose?

No, it's just too much.

And it gets worse.

The team working on the statue
in Lafayette Square...

kind of over-smoothed it.

They ground the head down
to about the size of a softball.

And that spells trouble.

Why don't we smooth the head
down to nothing...

stick a pumpkin under its arm...

and change the nameplate
to Ichabod Crane?

All right. That's it for me.

Good night, everybody.

In your packets you will find
the disease you have been assigned...

and the symptoms
you will need to exhibit.

Bacterial meningitis.



- You wanna trade?
- Sorry, buddy.

This is the Hamlet of diseases.

Severe pain, nausea, delusions,
it's got everything.

How about you? You wanna trade?

- Sure.
- Okay, what do you got?

The surgeon left a sponge
inside me.

Good luck with that.

I knew I had hit my high note, so I...

I thanked the crowd and I was gone.

- What'd you do the rest of the day?
- I saw Titanic.

So that old woman...

she's just a liar, right?

And a bit of a tramp, if you ask me.

- Hello, boys.
- Hey.

Did you give that radio
the old switcheroo?

- I did.
- And the Christian rock?


And look what I pried
off of his bumper.

A Jesus fish.

Jerry, you have any fish sticks?


So you're disappointed
he's a spiritual person?

Well, yeah. I got him because
he seemed so one-dimensional.

I feel misled.

I think it's neat.

You don't hear that much
about God anymore.

I hear things.

So Sophie gave me the "it's me"
on the phone today.

- "It's me"? Isn't that a little premature?
- I thought so.

She's not a "me." I'm a "me."

I'm against all "it's me" 's.
So self-absorbed and egotistical.

It's like those hip musicians
with their complicated shoes.

Well, I got gonorrhea.

That seems about right.

That's what they gave me.


- The government?
- No, no.

He's pretending he's got gonorrhea
so med students can diagnose it.

And it's a waste of my talent.
It's just a little burning.

Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis.
You know, that's....

Well, I guess there are no
small diseases, only small actors.


All right, that's it for me.

Good night, everybody.

What was that? What was that?

Showmanship. George is trying
to get out on a high note.

See, showmanship. Maybe that's
what my gonorrhea's missing, huh?

Yes. Step into that spotlight and belt
that gonorrhea out to the back row.

Yes. Yes, I will.

I'm gonna make people
feel my gonorrhea...

and feel the gonorrhea
in themselves.

And are you experiencing
any discomfort?

Oh, just a little burning
during urination.

Okay. Any other pain?

The haunting memories of lost love.

May I? Lights.

Our eyes met
across the crowded hat store.

I, a customer, and she,
a coquettish haberdasher.

I pursued and she withdrew.

And then she pursued
and I withdrew.

And so we danced.

And I burned for her...

much like the burning
during urination...

that I would experience
soon afterwards.

- Gonorrhea.
- Gonorrhea.

One message.
Hope it's not from you.

Hey, Jerry, it's me. Call me back.

- Sophie.
- She's still doing that?

- Yep.
- All right, I'll tell you what you do.

You call her back
and give her the "it's me," huh?

Pull the old switcheroo.

That's the "what's good for the goose
is good for the gander."

What the hell is a gander, anyway?

It's a goose that's had
the old switcheroo pulled on her.

Hi, Sophie. It's me.

Hey, Rafe.

- She thinks it's someone named Rafe.
- Good, good. Let her think it.

So, what's going on?

Not a lot.

Ask about you. Ask about you.

So how are things with Jerry?

Oh, I really like him...

but, well, I still haven't told him
the tractor story.

Right, right, the tractor story.

Are you sick, Rafe?
You sound kind of funny.

- I sound funny?
- Abort. Abort.

Yeah, I better get to a doctor. Bye.

That was close.

What drives me
to take chances like that?

That was very real.

She said there's some tractor story
that she hasn't told me about.

Back it up, back it up.

Tractor story?

What are you doing?

- So where do you wanna eat?
- Feels like an Arby's night.

Arby's. Beef and cheese and....
Do you believe in God?


- So you're pretty religious?
- That's right.

So is it a problem
that I'm not really religious?

Not for me.

- Why not?
- I'm not the one going to hell.

You know what I think?
I bet she stole a tractor.

No one's stealing a tractor.
It's a five-mile-an-hour getaway.

We're dancing around the obvious.
It's gotta be disfigurement.

Does she walk around holding a pen
she never seems to need?

No, she looks completely normal.

Okay. Here it is. I got it.

She lost her thumbs
in a tractor accident...

and they grafted her big toes on.

They do it every day.

You think she's got toes for thumbs?

How's her handshake?

Little firm, isn't it?

- Maybe a little too firm?
- I don't know.

Hands a little smelly?

Why do I seek your counsel?

- Well, I'm going to hell.
- That seems about right.

According to Puddy.

Have you heard the one about the guy
with coffee and doughnuts...?

- I'm not in the mood.
- I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.

What do you care?
You don't believe in hell.

I know, but he does.

So it's more of a relationship problem
than the final destination of your soul?

Well, relationships
are very important to me.

Maybe you can strike one up
with the Prince of Darkness...

as you burn for all eternity.

And a slice of devil's food cake.


- Where is everyone?
- They're all off the project.

They were boring.
George, you are my main man.

I am?

I don't know what it is.
I can't put my finger on it.

But lately, you have just seemed on.

And you always leave me
wanting more.

This is a huge project involving...

lots of numbers and papers
and folders.

I'm not too worried about it.
Let's get started.


- George. Check it out.
- Yeah?

Three times around with no feet.

All me.

All me.

All right. And here are your ailments
for this week.

By the way, Mr. Kramer,
you were excellent.

Thank you.

Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice.

All right, I get to wear makeup.

- What did you get?
- Gonorrhea.

Excuse me,
I think there's been a mistake.

See, I had gonorrhea last week.

Oh, it's no mistake.
We loved what you did with it.

Boy, I don't believe this.
I'm being typecast.

I move my knight here.


They should update these pieces.
Nobody rides horses anymore.

Maybe they should change it
to a tractor.

Jerry, are you embarrassed
that you're losing?


You know, yesterday I lost control
of my car, almost bought the farm.

Bought the farm?


This is an odd side of you, Jerry.

I feel uncomfortable.

Wait, don't go. Let's thumb-wrestle.

A scar?

A big long scar, where her leg
would dangle when she's riding a...

A tractor.

I'm sure she's a little self-conscious
and doesn't like to talk about it.

She's more self-conscious about that
than her toe-thumbs.

She doesn't have toe-thumbs.

- She will if she keeps horsing around...
- All right.

So how's the two-man operation
at Kruger?

Two-man. It's all me.
Kruger doesn't do anything.

Disappears for hours at a time,
gives me fake excuses.

This afternoon, I found him
with sleep creases on his face.

The only reason I got out
to get a bite today...

was that he finally promised to
buckle down and do some actual work.

Oh, I don't believe this.

This is what I have to put up with,

Mr. Kruger.

Who said he was going to do
some actual work today?

- Who?
- I'm not too worried about it.

Well, I am.

Couldn't you try to go through some
of that stuff I put in your shoebox?

All right, all right, I'm going.

Have you ever seen
anything like this?


Elaine, they forgot to deliver
your paper today.

- Why don't you just grab that one?
- But that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy.

- That's his.
- Come on, get it.

- Well, if you want it, you get it.
- Sorry, thou shalt not steal.

Oh, but it's okay for me?

Oh, what do you care?
You know where you're going.

All right, that is it.
I can't live like this.

- Oh, no.
- Come on.

All right, what did I do?

David, I'm going to hell.

The worst place in the world.

With devils and those caves
and the ragged clothing.

And the heat, my God, the heat!

- What do you think about all that?
- It's gonna be rough.

- You should be trying to save me.
- Don't boss me.

- This is why you're going to hell.
- I am not going to hell.

And if you think I'm going to hell,
you should care that I'm going to hell...

even though I am not.

- You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?
- Yeah, that's right.

My liver. Why did I drink
for all those years?

Why did I look for love in a bottle?

Mr. Kramer, you're up.

Oh, hey, Mickey.

- Wait a minute.
- What?

- You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you?
- Yeah, well, we'll see.

So, what seems to be bothering you
today, Mr. Kramer?

Well, I...

I guess it started about 20 years ago
when I got back from Vietnam.

And this was the only friend
I had left.

Hey! That's my cirrhosis!
He's stealing my cirrhosis!

You wanna be sick?
I'll make you sick!

Cirrhosis of the liver
and PCP addiction?

Let me see if I understand this.

You're concerned that he isn't
concerned that you're going to hell.

And you feel that she's too bossy.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah, that's right.

Well, oftentimes,
in cases of interfaith marriages...

couples have difficulty...

No one's getting married here.

- You aren't?
- No.

We're just, you know...

having a good time.

Well, then it's simple.
You're both going to hell.

No way. This is bogus, man.

Well, thank you, Father.

Did you hear the one
about the guy in hell...

who's talking to the devil
by the coffee machine?

I'm really not in the mood.
I'm going to hell.

Lighten up.

It'll only feel like an eternity.

You know, Jerry, there's this thing
that I haven't told you about.

See, there was this tractor, and....

You know, boy, this is...
This is really difficult.


it's me.

I know about the tractor story
and I'm fine with it.

How could you know?

It's not important.

What's important is I'm not gonna
let a little thing like that...

ruin what could be a very long-term
and meaningful relationship.

I didn't say that, no.

You gave me gonorrhea,
you didn't even tell me!

Well, I'm sorry.

I gave you gonorrhea because
I thought you'd have fun with it.

Hey, hey, I'm with someone.


No, I understand. This could be
a tough thing to deal with.

The important thing is that you have
a partner who's supportive.

You know, she's right.

Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner.
I got gonorrhea from a tractor.

You got gonorrhea from a tractor?

And you call that the tractor story?

You can't get it from that.

But I did. My boyfriend said
I got gonorrhea...

from riding the tractor
in my bathing suit.

All right, that's it for me.
You've been great.

Good night, everybody.

Would you mind helping me out
with some of this stuff?

You seem like you've got
a good handle on it.

No, I don't!

Don't you even care?
This is your company.

It's your name
on the outside of the building.

Speaking of which, the R fell off
and all it says now is "K-uger."

K-uger. That sounds like
one of those old-time car horns, huh?

K-uger! K-uger!

You are too much, Mr. Kruger.
Too much.

Thank you, George.
You've been great. That's it for me.

Oh, no, you're not going out
on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger.

It's K-uger.

No! No!

Good night, everybody.