Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 17 - The Bookstore - full transcript

While at Brentano's, George is forced to buy an expensive art book after taking it into the bathroom. George has a hard time getting rid of said book. Jerry catches Uncle Leo shoplifting and has a hard time dealing with the situation. Kramer and Newman set up a rickshaw business using New York's homeless population but the plans quickly backfire. Elaine gets in trouble when she has a drunken make out session at Peterman's Christmas party and Peterman orders the guy to attend rehab.

I'm doing a set tonight.
You hanging out?

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right

Hello? Hello?

You're bad, huh?

I'd like to see you come up here
and say that to my face.

So, what's the deal with politics?

I don't get it. Am I right, people?

I don't believe this.

I read somewhere
that this Brentano's is the place...

to meet girls in New York.

First it was the health club, then
the supermarket, now the bookstore.

They can put it anywhere they want.
No one's meeting anybody.

Jerry, look at all
these pagodas, huh?

I gotta get over to Hong Kong
before it all goes back to China.

You better hurry.

I'm gonna hit the head.

Boy, look at this.
Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw.

I thought those would be perfect
for New York.

Yes. The city needs more
slow moving wicker vehicles.

Well, Elaine's been to Hong Kong.

I should give her a call.

She's at that annual
Peterman party tonight.

The one she danced at last year.

No, that wasn't dancing.

Hey, there's Leo.

- Oh, who's Leo?
- Uncle Leo.

Oh, yeah, right. Uncle Leo.

Forgot his first name.

Did I just see that?

Well, that ought to keep you busy
for a couple of days, huh?

So, Elaine, are you gonna dance
this year?

Maybe. All over your face.

If you do dance,
the cooks wanna know,

so they can be brought out
of the kitchen.

They missed it last year.

My friends, a toast.

As the woolly-haired Melanesians
of Papua New Guinea once said:

All right. Who's dancing?

No? All right, I'll just have
to get things started.

Hi, I'm Zach.

Hi. I'm miserable.

Excuse me, sir.
What are you doing?

I'm all set.

Did you take that book with you
into the bathroom?

What do you want to hear?

They made me buy it.
A hundred bucks, this thing cost me.

How dare they.

I got news for you. If it wasn't
for the toilet, there would be no books.

Yeah, I understand Gutenberg used
to spend a fair amount of time in there.

They're selling coffee, bran muffins.

You're surrounded
by reading material.

It's entrapment.

"French Impressionist Paintings"?

I find the soothing pastoral images
very conducive...

Thank you very much.

I'm gonna go back there and return it
when there's different people working.

- You wanna catch a movie?
- I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo.

I saw him shoplifting
at the bookstore.

All right, Leo. Sticking it to the man.

- Sleeping in the car again?
- Cocktail flu.

Oh, right, the big party.

You didn't dance again, did you?


I found a better way
to humiliate myself.

There was this guy
and we had a few too many.

- You went home with him?
- Worse.

We made out at the table
like our plane was going down.

Oh, the drunken make-out.
An office classic.

Did you end up Xeroxing anything?

Do you know how embarrassing
this is to someone in my position?

- What is your position?
- I'm an associate.

- Hey, me too.
- Yeah, me too.

Oh, God. Why did I do this?

Now, I'm the office skank.

Well, unless, you tell everybody
you're dating.

Oh, right.

Because if we're dating,
what everyone saw was just...

a beautiful moment
between two lovers.

As opposed to a spirited bout
of skanko Roman wrestling.


Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas
some drinks and sandwiches?

No, we've already eaten.

But you can clear
some of this stuff out of the way.

Jerry, check this out.

Remember my idea
about rickshaws in New York?

- Well, we're gonna make it happen.
- No, you're not.

Well, Newman, he knows a guy
in the Hong Kong post office.

No, he doesn't.

He's shipping a rickshaw.
It can't miss.

Yes, it can.

We'll start out with one.

When it catches on
we're gonna have a whole fleet.

It's the romance of the handsome cab
without the guilt...

or dander of the equine.

So who's gonna pull this thing?

- Well, I just assumed you would.
- Yeah, but I thought...

My, isn't this an awkward moment?

What about the homeless?

Can't we worry about them later?

To pull the rickshaw.

They have an intimate knowledge
of the street.

Always walking around the city.

Why not just strap
something to them?

Now, that's the first sensible idea
I've heard all day.

Jerry, hello.

So, Leo, how's everything?
You doing okay?

I still have the ringing in the ears.
Sounds like the phone.

Yeah, yeah, but what about money?

Are you strapped?
Do you need a little?

Are you kidding?
I should be loaning you money.

But I'm not.

Leo, I saw you in Brentano's

Why didn't you say hello?

Because you were too busy
stealing a book.

You still say hello.

Oh, I saw you steal.

Oh, they don't care. We all do it.

Who, criminals?

Senior citizens. No big deal.

- You could get arrested.
- Arrested? Come on.

I'm an old man. I'm confused.
I thought I paid for it.

What's my name?
Could you take me home?


All right, all right,
Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes.

- You made your point.
- Thank you.

Will somebody answer
that damn phone.

Of course, Zach and I
have been dating.

What did you think?
I was the office skank?


Well? We've been dating
for three months...

between you and me
and anyone else you wanna tell.

Oh, man.

- Isn't that Zach?
- Yeah.

Aren't you upset?

Yes. Oh, man.

All right, listen up. Now,
you three have been hand-picked...

out of possibly dozens
who applied.

Now, what we're looking for
are motivated...

hard-working, homeless gentlemen,
like yourselves, to pull rickshaws.

Now, I don't care where you're from,
or how you got here...

or what happened to your homes,
but you will have to be physically fit.

The government.

Because to pull rickshaws
requires more than just strong legs.

You're also gonna need
a well-toned upper body...

or a shirt.

All right, who's first?

- Name please?
- Rusty.


You know, I once knew a horse
named Rusty. No offense.

All right, now.
Take it down to the end of the block.

Make a controlled turn and bring
her back. Let's see what you got.

- Okay, ready and go.
- Giddap.

Good form.

Pace yourself. You're gonna have
to do this all day for very little money.

- Hey, what's he doing?
- I think he's stealing our rickshaw.

Well, then he's out.

I'll take the job. Potato salad.

Yes, I need to return this book.

I'm sorry,
we can't take this book back.

- Why not?
- It's been flagged.

- Flagged?
- It's been in the bathroom.

It says that on the computer?

Please take it home.

We don't want it near
the other books.

Well, you just lost a lot of business
because I love to read.

I don't believe this.

I wonder if you could do me
a favor.

My uncle's having a little problem
with shoplifting.

Where's your uncle?

He's over there in the overcoat.

If you could just kind of put a scare
into him. Set him straight.

We have a 5150
in paperbacks. All units respond.

Roger. Ten-four.

5150. That's just a scare, right?

I'm gonna have to ask you
to stand out of the way...

and let us handle this.

Swarm. Swarm.


- I'm an old man. I'm confused.
- You're under arrest.

I just wanted you to scare him.

Jerry, you ratted me out.



Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo.

I just wanted the guard
to scare him straight.

Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.

Prison? I'm sure it's just a fine.

He's got priors.

Prior convictions? Leo?

It was a crime of passion.
Leave it alone.

Besides, it's not stealing
if it's something you need.

- What does that mean?
- Nobody pays for everything.

You're stealing too?
What are you stealing?


Well, they wear out so quick.

Mom, you too?

Sometimes your father forgets,
so, I have to steal them.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Well, the rickshaw's gone.

We strapped it to a homeless guy
and he bolted.

Well, you know, 85 percent of all
homeless-rickshaw businesses fail...

within the first three months.

We should've got
some collateral from him.

Like his bag of cans,
or his other bag of cans.

We gotta find that rickshaw.
You check the sewers and dumpsters.

I'll hit the soup kitchens,
bakeries and smorgasbords.

To the idiot-mobile.

So even though you're not really
going out with this guy, he's...

- cheating on you.
- That is correct.

But here's the beauty part.

Now, I stand up for myself by telling
everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass...

and I'm the office....

- Tina Turner?
- All right.

Well, I've been to every Brentano's.

This thing is flagged
in every database in town.

Is it so horrible
to have to keep a book?

I don't understand
what the big deal is.

They let you try on pants.

Not underpants.

- Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.
- Uncle Leo. Hello.

- Jerry.
- Uncle Leo.

I'm sorry.
I didn't know about your past.

You mean my crime of passion?

Anyone betrays me, I never forget.

Uncle Leo. Wait. Hello.

French Impressionism.
Oh, I love this.

Now, what is the problem
with this book?

- Nothing.
- How much you want for it?

You know, I could let it go for
say a hundred and twenty-five.

Leo's furious.
What is that doing on the table?

Jerry. Simmer down.

I'm not eating anything
in the vicinity of that book.

- What is wrong with this book?
- Simmer.

That book has been on a wild ride.
George took into the bathroom...

- at Brentano's...
- All right. Everyone clear.

Biohazard, coming through.
Clear. Clear.

May I ask...

what do you read
in the bathroom?

I don't read in the bathroom.

Well, aren't you something?

Elaine, do you have a moment?

It's about your lover.

Oh, yes, I know all about his little
performance in the break room.

Elaine. Who among us hasn't snuck
into the break room...

to nibble on a love newton?

Love newton?

I'm afraid the problem
with Zach is more serious.

He's back on the horse, Elaine.

Smack. White palace.

The Chinamen's nightcap.

An addict.
Well, it just keeps getting better.

And in a tiny way
I almost feel responsible.

I'm the one who sent him to Thailand
in search of low-cost whistles...

filled his head with pseudo-erotic
tales of my own opium excursions.

Plus, I gave him
phone numbers of places...

he could score near the hotel.

Look, Mr. Peterman...

the fact is, is that I was planning
on breaking up with Zach anyway.

He was cheating on me.

Damn it, Elaine, that wasn't Zach.

That was the yam-yam.

Now, he is going cold turkey
and you will be at his side.

- Oh, what, you know, I had planned...
- No buts, Elaine...

or I will strip you
of your associate status.

Oh, P.S...

the first 24 hours are the worst.

Better bring a poncho.

It was a crime of passion.

If anyone betrays me,
I never forget it.

He won't last a day in prison.




Hello. Jerry.

Answer the damn phone.

- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.

- Uncle Leo?
- Oh, that's nice.

What are you up to?

Nightmares. You?

My fake boyfriend is going
through real withdrawals.

- I'm burning up.
- Eat your soup.

- You're not feeding him, are you?
- Why?

I told you, away from
the curtains. Away.

Use your bucket.

There you go, that's it.
Okay, you know what? I gotta go.

Hey, buddy.

- Kramer.
- Thought I heard you.

- Get out of here.
- Kramer. Kramer. There you are.

Will everybody please leave.

I just heard a postman spotted
a rickshaw down in Battery Park.

- Our rickshaw?
- It's possible.

I want everyone out.

Hey, let's talk in Jerry's kitchen.
I'll make some cocoa.

Goodnight, Jerry.

Goodnight, Newman.

- There it is.
- Rusty.

Oh, there you are.
Oh, do I get the job?

Yeah, yeah, we'll get back to you.

Let's get this baby home.

- What?
- You know, when you think about it...

it's kind of silly for us both to pull
this thing all the way back up town.

I mean, after all, it is a conveyance.

Yes, that's true.

So which one of us is gonna pull?

Well, there's only way to settle this.

One spot, two spot, zigzag, tear,
pop-dye, penny got, tennyum, tear...

harum-scarum, rip them,
tear them, te, ta, toe.


Best two out of three.
One spot, two spot....

Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there.
Too much jostling.

So you wanna donate
this to charity?

Well, I assume there's
some sort of write-off.

- What's the value of the book?
- About $200 Miss DeMooney.

It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay.

Oh, wait a second.

This book has been in a bathroom.

Well, what are you talking about?
That's ridiculous.

It's been flagged. I know.
I used to work in a Brentano's.

Mister, we're trying to help
the homeless here. It's bad enough...

that we have some nut out there
trying to strap them to a rickshaw.

All right. I'll just take 50.
Do we have a deal?

Yeah and here it is.

You get your toilet book out of here
and I won't jump over this counter...

and punch you in the brain.

- I could take it in merchandise.
- Here I come.

So this book will tell me
how to get puke out of cashmere?

- Yeah.
- Great.

- So the worst is over?
- Yeah.

Now I can break up with him.

He's clean and I'm the office hero.

You're better at fake relationships
than real ones.

Yeah. I even got an idea out of it.
The detox poncho.

I'll see you.

I'd like to speak
with the manager, please.

Fine your pace, boy. Chop chop.

Well, I've hit the wall.
I gotta take a break.

Well, don't tarry,
I'm behind schedule as it is.

Boy. Boy.


Well, this is the first day
of the rest of my life.

George, what are you doing here?

I can't sell the book.
It's been marked.

It certainly has.

So, I'm gonna steal another one
and then I'm gonna return it.

That way, everything is even.

You defile one book, steal another,
ask for your money back...

and to you that's even.

I'm going in.

Did you want to speak
to the manager?

Yes. My Uncle Leo was caught
shoplifting here the other day.

Yes. Uncle Leo. I remember him.

I'm sorry. Our policy is
we prosecute all shoplifters.

Oh, come on. He's just a lonely
old man. All old people steal.

That's right. That's why we stopped
carrying batteries.

I'll be honest with you.

We've had trouble with theft
lately and my boss said...

I have to make an example
of someone.

- So it could be anyone?
- Well, I guess.

As long as we catch him in the act.

That guy. Swarm. Swarm.

Oh, Jerry!