Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 15 - The Wizard - full transcript

When are they gonna learn that news
about China is an instant page-turner?

What's that?

It's a Wizard electronic organizer
for my dad.

- I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
- How much was it?

Two hundred. I'll tell him 50.

He doesn't care for the gift,
he gets excited about the deal.

Where are you getting
a Wizard for $50?

I'll tell him I got it on the street and
maybe it's hot. That's his favorite.

I got a message from the
Rosses at work today.

Susan's parents?
When's the last time you talked with them?

At the funeral, give or take.



Deep down I always kind of felt that
they blamed me for Susan's death.

Why? Because you picked out
the poison envelopes?

That's silly.

Darryl, these are people I know.

Jerry, George.

Nice meeting you. I gotta run,
Elaine. I'll see you later.

Okay.

Still no Puddy?

I think his answering machine's
broken, so I just gave up.

What do you think?

What, about you dating a black guy?
What's the big deal?

- What black guy?
- Darryl. He's black, isn't he?

He is?

- No, he isn't.
- Isn't he, Elaine?



- You think?
- I thought he looked Irish.

- What's his last name?
- Nelson.

- That's not Irish.
- I think he's black.

Should we talking about this?

- I think it's okay.
- No, it isn't.

- Why not?
- Well, it would be okay...

if Darryl was here.

- If he's black.
- Is he black?

Does it matter?

No, of course not.
I mean, I'd just like to know.

- So you need to know?
- No, I don't need to know.

I just think it would be nice
if I knew.

Shall I take that?

- One sec.
- Oh, here.

Oh, yeah, hang on.

- Mrs. Ross, it's George.
- Who?

George Costanza. Susan's friend?

Long time no speak.

We're all out of lime juice.

I told that woman to buy more.

George,
the Susan Ross Foundation...

is having an event this weekend.

Oh, I just leased a house
out in the Hamptons...

and I have got to get out there
this weekend and sign the papers.

I'm going back to bed.

- Thank you for calling, George.
- Oh, sure.

I mean, after all,
you were almost my....

Okay, I gotta go.

House in the Hamptons?

I've been lying about my income
for years.

I figured I could afford a fake
house in the Hamptons.

- Well.
- Hey.

Well, grab a cigar, boys.

Yeah, it's time to celebrate.

- What are we celebrating?
- You remember my coffee table book?

With the little legs.

That's the one.

A big Hollywood so-and-so
optioned it for a movie.

How are they gonna make
that book into a movie?

Remember that photo book
on toy ray guns?

- Yeah.
- Independence Day?

How much are they paying you?

Let's just say I don't have to
worry about working for a while.

A long while.

That's funny, because
I haven't seen you working...

for a while. A long while.

And you're not going to,
because I'm hanging it up.

Boys, I'm retiring.

From what?

From the grind.
I mean, who needs it?

You know, I've accomplished
everything I've set out to do.

What's that?

Oh, bought myself
a little retirement gift.

A gold watch.

It's not really gold.

- Hey.
- Hey, great music.

Oh, it's my neighbor.

They blast that stuff
24 hours a day. I hate it.

Turn it down!

Oh, wow. These are nice.

Do they have any
cultural significance?

They're African.

Right.

- African.
- Well, not "Africa."

Actually South Africa.

South Africa.

My family used to live there. We got
out years ago. For obvious reasons.

- You know how it is.
- Maybe.

You must hate hot dogs, huh?

Or else you really like them
and that's why you do this.

If I had one of these things
I'd be eating hot dogs all the time.

You gonna buy a hot dog or not?

No.

Rise and shine, sleepyhead.

It's 5:30 in the morning.

We let you sleep in.

Well, as long as I'm up,
Dad, I got you a birthday present.

Here. Happy birthday.

Oh, Jerry. I should be
buying you presents.

What does that mean?

Leave your father alone.
It's his birthday.

It's a radar detector.

Radar detector. I've never seen
you go over 20 miles an hour.

You're like the grand marshal
of the Rose Bowl parade.

It's a Wizard organizer.

This looks like too much money.

No, I got it from a guy on the street.
It was like 50 bucks.

- You think it's hot?
- Could be.

Attaboy. Helen, Jerry got me
a hot Wizard computer.

I'm right here.

You can do everything with it. You can
get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.

So I can use it to figure out the tip?

Yeah, I guess. But the really cool
thing is the daily planner.

We can go to the restaurant
to figure out the tips.

Jerry, you're getting your
father too excited.

Hey, buddy. When did you get in?

Kramer, what are you doing here?

I told you I was retiring.
I moved in next door.

Mr. Cornstein died,
and it's a beautiful apartment.

Yeah, your folks said it was for rent,
so I jumped on it.

Kramer, you can't live down here.

This is where people come to die.

Not you.

Older people.

Don't eat cookies for breakfast.

I'll fix you something.
How about a feta cheese omelet?

That sounds great, Mom.

You feed him he'll never leave.

I don't have any feta. How about
cottage cheese and egg beaters?

I guess.

- I don't believe this.
- I know, I know.

Don't I look more relaxed?

So, George, do you have any
thoughts on this Darryl situation?

Actually, I did have a thought.

Why don't you just ask him?

Because if I ask him,
then it's like I really want to know.

Maybe he's...

mixed.

Is that the right word?

I don't think we're supposed
to be talking about this.

- I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
- You know what? I'm leaving.

- I'll talk to Jerry when he gets back.
- All right.

Oh, Mrs. Ross. Mr. Ross.

Oh, you're George's friend.

We saw him in the city
this weekend.

What happened to his place
in the Hamptons?

The Hamptons? George Costanza?

I don't think so.

Have a good one.

Rosses.

George. We were just
talking about you.

Well, sorry I missed
that charity thing...

but this was one of those truly
glorious Hampton weekends...

- that you always hear about.
- Really?

Yeah, I may move out there.

I mean it. I'll do it.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Keep it real.

Another fine meal. And now
for my Wizard tip calculator.

Dad, it's got lots of other functions.

Don't worry.
I'll get to the other functions.

I can't get it open.

Yay, Jerry got it open.

The service was slow, and God
forbid they should refill the water.

How does 12.4 percent sound?

Well, your tip is
$4 and 36.6666 cents.

We'll round down.

Jerry, it was so nice of you to come
down here on your father's birthday.

You've helped take his mind
off the condo election.

Right. You can't run for
condo president because you were...

- impeached at the other condo.
- I was never impeached.

I resigned.

Even so, the press would bury him.

What press?

The condo newsletter.
The Boca Breeze.

Pinko commie rag.

Hey, Morty. Your boy here.

He just got a date with that
young aquacise instructor.

She's 50.

You know what he's got?
He's got charisma.

- That's my man.
- I'll see you guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Morty, what are you looking at?

I'll tell you what I'm looking at.

The next condo board president
of Del Boca Vista, phase three.

Elaine, thank you for the Wizard.

Wow, it's got so many functions.

Yeah, yeah, forget about all that.

First thing is first,
warranty information.

Name. We know that. Hobbies.

- Skiing, racquetball...
- Well, I don't do that stuff.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.

Oh, Here's one. Race.

Isn't that optional?

It certainly should be.
It's nobody's damn business.

But they really would like to know.

- All right. I'm Asian.
- What?

Just to mess with them.

Right. Good one.

Average income.
Over a hundred thousand.

- Really?
- So does that matter?

No. But it's very nice to know.

So did you figure out Darryl's...

you know?

I've given up. So now we're going
to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.

Figure that'll cover us either way.

You're a master of race relations.

So Kramer's running
for president of the condo?

Yeah. It's all my father's doing.

He wants to install Kramer
in a puppet regime...

and then wield power
from behind the scenes.

Preferably from the sauna
in the clubhouse.

- Who are they running against?
- Common sense...

and a guy in a wheelchair.

- Jerry?
- He's still down with his folks.

What are you doing here?

- Elaine. Elaine.
- I'm getting his mail.

- Oh, no.
- He asked you to get the mail?

Jerry,
why is Elaine getting your mail?

George, listen to me.
I have a very important job for you.

I want you to come by twice a day...

and flush the toilet
so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.

- What?
- Well, what about the mail?

This is far more important.

You must exercise the gaskets,
George.

All right, Jerry, I'll do it. See you.

So, ran into the Rosses again.

Oh, right, at the coffee shop.

Where did they get the idea that you
have a place in the Hamptons?

- From me.
- What did you say?

I told them I have a place
in the Hamptons.

What did you say?

I told them you didn't.

And I laughed and I laughed.

So they know.

- Those liars.
- But you lied first.

But they let me go on and on
all about the Hamptons.

They never said a thing.

You don't let somebody lie
when you know.

- You call them a liar.
- Like you're a liar.

Yes. Thank you. Was that so hard?

So this is over? Not over?
I'm betting not over.

Not by a long shot.

I'm calling the Rosses
and inviting them...

to my nonexistent place
in the Hamptons.

Then we'll see who blinks first.

Haven't you done enough
to these people?

This is not about them.
Now if you'll excuse me...

I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.

Vote for Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.

I'm running for condo president.
Like your vote.

Thanks.

Remember, ma'am, a vote for me
is a vote for Kramer.

- Can you cut my meat?
- Gladly.

- Coffee?
- Sure.

Are you black?

Or should I bring some cream?

I'm black. Oh, you know what?
Bring a little cream.

- Look at that.
- Did you hear that?

- What?
- God, there are still people...

who have trouble
with an interracial couple.

Interracial? Us?

Isn't that unbelievable?

Yes. It's awful.

They're upset because
we're an interracial couple.

That is racism.

- I don't feel like eating.
- Me neither.

Well, maybe this turkey club.

So here I am.

Ready to take you to the Hamptons.

Sounds grand.

Do you have your bathing suits?

It's March.

Speak now or we are headed
to the Hamptons.

It's a two-hour drive.

Once you get in that car
we are going all the way...

to the Hamptons.

All right, you wanna get nuts...

come on, let's get nuts!

Dad, you know, you can
program this thing to beep...

every time you need a vitamin.

Dad, you look so different.

We're campaigning, Jerry.

To rule the people,
one must walk among them.

This is the homestretch.
Tomorrow's the election.

Right, yeah. The poll's close
after dinner. Three o'clock.

But then when we win...

the celebration goes all night
until the break of 8 p.m.

You could put that whole
schedule right in your daily planner.

- Daily what?
- Have you read today's Boca Breeze?

Hey, look at that.
Picture of me, huh?

Yeah, "Candidate Cosmo Kramer,
caught barefoot in clubhouse."

Barefoot in the clubhouse?
Kramer...

don't you realize
this is against the rules?

Well, I couldn't find my shoes.

These people work and wait
their whole lives to move down here...

sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot,
and enforce these rules.

- Who wants hot chocolate?
- Oh, yeah.

This is a huge scandal.
We need damage control.

All right, look, people seem
to like those tip calculators.

- Wizards.
- How about if we give one out...

to every member
on the condo board?

Kramer.

There are 20 people on the board.

Thank God you can get that deal.

Payoffs. Now we're playing politics.

All right, what do we do next,
Morty, huh? Wiretaps? Slush funds?

First I need a nap.

I'll get your electric blanket.

Kramer, I can't get
that many Wizards.

- What about your deal?
- I didn't have a deal.

They're $200 a pop. What do I do?

Don't worry. I know a guy.

- Down here?
- Yeah. Bob Saccamano's father.

And that leads
into the master bedroom.

Tell us more.

Wanna hear more?

The master bedroom
opens into the solarium.

- Another solarium?
- Yes, two solariums.

Quite a find.

- And I have horses too.
- What are their names?

Snoopy and Prickly Pete.

Should I keep driving?

Oh, look, an antique stand.

Pull over. We'll buy you
a housewarming gift.

A housewarming gift.

All right, we're taking it up a notch.

- Long day?
- Yeah, I just worked a triple shift.

I hear you, sister.

- Sister?
- Yeah.

It's okay. My boyfriend's black.
Here he is. See?

- Hi, Elaine.
- Hey.

- He's black?
- Yeah.

- I'm black?
- Aren't you?

I'll give you a couple
of minutes to decide.

- What are you talking about?
- You're black.

You said we were
an interracial couple.

We are because you're Hispanic.

- I am?
- Aren't you?

No. Why would you think that?

Your name's Benes. Your hair.

You kept taking me
to those Spanish restaurants.

That's because I thought
you were black.

Why would you take me to a Spanish
restaurant because I'm black?

I don't think we should
be talking about this.

- So, what are you?
- I'm white.

So we're just a couple
of white people?

I guess.

Yeah.

- So do you want to go to the Gap?
- Sure.

Well, I handed out all the Wizards.

The polls close in one hour.

I think we've got this baby
all sewn up, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, there was an extra one.
Norman Bergerman.

He won't be leaving any tips
where he is.

Congratulations, Mr. President.

Congratulations,
Mr. Puppet Master, huh?

Hey, Morty, what's wrong
with these tip calculators?

What are you talking about?

It's overtipping.
I just left 5 bucks for a BLT.

Let me see that.

This isn't a Wizard. It's a Willard.

It's a Willard?
Saccamano Sr. screwed me.

Mine doesn't have a seven.

I'm ruined.

Jerry, why didn't you get
them Wizards?

Because the real Wizard's $200.

- You didn't have a deal?
- No deal. Not hot.

Morty, you and Kramer.
You're finished.

Everyone vote for the guy
in the wheelchair.

- Let's go.
- The people have spoken.

Well, that's it for me.
I'm heading back to New York.

Dad, I'm sorry.

You should be.

How could you spend $200
on a tip calculator?

It does other things!

- Where are we, George?
- Almost there.

This is the end of Long Island.

Where's your house?

We go on foot from here.

All right.

There's no house! It's a lie!

There's no solarium.
There's no Prickly Pete.

There's no other solarium.

We know.

Then why? Why did you make me
drive all the way out here?

Why didn't you say something?
Why? Why? Why?

We don't like you, George.

And we always blamed you
for what happened to Susan.

All right.

Let's head back.