Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 10 - The Strike - full transcript

Kramer returns to H&H bagels after a 12 year strike. Elaine gives "denim vest" a fake number on her free sub card. Jerry meets a woman named Gwen who is "two faced". (She doesn't look good in some light)George creates a fake charity called "the human fund" to give fake Christmas presents at Kruger. He invites Kruger over to celebrate "Festivus" when he can't cash the 20,000 dollar charity check to "the human fund".

So Whatley's still Jewish, huh?

Sure, without the parents,
it's a breeze.

- Hey, Happy Hanukkah.
- Hey, Tim. Great party.


Hey, George, thanks again
for getting me those Yankee tickets.

Oh, you're still in good
with the ground crew.

That's good.
Look, I'd better circulate.

Happy Hanukkah, Tiffany.

This place is like Studio 54
with a menorah.

I'm gonna get more of these
kosher cocktail franks.

Oh, I got Denim Vest
checking me out.

Fake phone number's
coming out tonight.

Oh, you have a standard fake?

Spell's out "No Elaine."

- Isn't that eight letters?
- The extra E is for....

That's neat.

No, please. Denim Vest.

He's smoothing it. Jerry. God.


- Hi, I'm Jerry.
- Hi.

You might not know it to look at me,
but I can run really, really fast.

Nice vest.
I like the big metal buttons.

They're snaps. Listen, maybe
we should go out sometime?

Why don't I give you
my phone number?

How did it go with that girl?

Great, I'm going out with her
tomorrow night.

- How did it go with the franks?
- Great. Ate the entire platter.

- Had to call in sick today.
- Didn't you call in sick yesterday?

Hey, I work for
Kruger Industrial Smoothing.

- We don't care and it shows.
- You gotta open your mail here?

Hey, at least I'm bringing
something to this.

"Have you seen me?" Nope.

There's something from Whatley.

See? You give and you get.
This is what I'm trying to teach you.

This holiday season a donation
has been made in your name...

- to the Children's Alliance?
- Oh, that's nice.

I got him Yankee tickets. He's saying,
"I gave your gift to someone else."

- To a children's charity.
- Don't you see how wrong that is?

Where's your Christmas spirit?
An eye for an eye.

Do me a favor, don't give me
anything this year.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, nothing for me.

- I'm going to Atomic Sub later.
- Why are you eating there?

I got a card and they stamp it
every time I buy a sub.

Twenty-four stamps
and I become a submarine captain.

What does that mean?

Free sub.

- What?
- Nothing. It's a card from my dad.

- What is it?
- Elaine.

Dear son, Happy Festivus.

- What is Festivus?
- It's nothing. Stop it.

- When George was growing...
- No.

His father hated all the commercial
religious aspects of Christmas.

- Yeah?
- He made up his own holiday.

Oh, and another piece of the puzzle
falls into place.

- All right.
- And instead of a tree...

didn't your father
put up an aluminum pole?

- Stop it.
- Weren't there feats of strength...

that ended up with you crying?

I can't take it anymore.
I'm going to work. You happy now?

Hey, neighbor.

Are you reading my VCR manual?

Well, we can't all be reading the
classics, Professor High Brow.

Oh, I can't believe it.
I've lost my Atomic Sub card.

Oh, no. I bet I wrote
that fake number on the back of it...

- when I gave it to Denim Vest.
- So?

I've eaten 23 bad subs.
I just need one more.

It's like a long bad movie,
but you wanna see the end of it.

- No, you walk out.
- All right.

Then it's like a boring book.
You gotta finish it.

No, you wait for the movie.

I want that free sub.

You don't need the card.

High-end hoagie outfit like that.
It's all computerized.

They're cloning sheep now.

No, no, no. They're not cloning sheep.
It's the same sheep.

I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick
with two goats and a handkerchief...

on the old Dean Martin Show.

Now I gotta get ahold
of Denim Vest.

Why don't you try your blow off
number, see if he's called it?

That's a good idea.

Yeah, go.



Yeah, okay. Yeah. Bye.

Great news. Yeah, the strike's
been settled. I'm going back to work.

- What strike?
- H & H Bagels.

That's where I worked.

- You?
- Worked?

- Bagels?
- Yeah, look, see?

I still have my business card.

Yeah, we've been on strike
for 12 years.

Hey, I remember seeing
those guys picketing out there.

But I haven't seen them in a long time.

H & H wouldn't let us
use their bathroom...

while we were picketing.

They were cramping our solidarity.

What were your demands?

Yeah, five thirty-five an hour,
and that's what they're paying now.

I believe that's the new
minimum wage.

And now you know
who to thank for that.

- All right, I gotta go.
- Why didn't you ever mention this?

Well, Jerry, I didn't want you to know
I was out of work.

It's embarrassing.

All right, everybody, I'm back.

- Who are you?
- Cosmo Kramer. Strike's over.

Oh, yeah, Kramer.

Didn't any of the other guys
come back?

No. I'm sure they all got other jobs
like 10 years ago.

What? Man.

Well, it kind of makes you wonder
what it was all for.

I could use someone for the holidays.

All right. Toss me an apron.
Let's bagel.

- What are those?
- Those are raisin bagels.

I never thought I'd live to see that.

So anyway, I've been giving out your
phone number as my standard fake.

So you're Elaine Benes.

We've been getting calls
for you for five years.

So listen, when this guy calls, if you
could just give him my real number.

Hey, Charlie, guess who's here?
Elaine Benes.

Elaine Benes?

Elaine Benes.

You make a lot of man friends.
You know who's a man?

Charlie here. He's a man.
You know who else? Me.

- I'm a man.
- I'm a man.

Oh, my.

I'll have this Vest guy
call your real number.

You just give it to me...

and that way I'll have it.

My number?


Well, here you go.

And tell you what, put a sawbuck on
Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.

Hey, Jerry.

- Hey, Tim.
- What's up?

I'm having dinner with a girl
I met at your party.

Jerry. Hi.

- Gwen?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Come on, our table's ready.

So attractive one day,
not attractive the next.

- Have you come across this?
- Yes, I am familiar with the syndrome.

- She's a two-face.
- Like the Batman villain?

If that helps you.

If I ask her out again,
I don't know who's showing up.

The good, the bad, or the ugly.

- Clint Eastwood.
- Yeah.

Hey, check this out.

I gotta give Christmas presents
at Kruger...

so I'm pulling a Whatley.

A donation has been made
in your name to the Human Fund.

- What is that?
- Made it up.

The Human Fund.
Money for people.

What do you think?

It has a certain
understated stupidity.

The Outlaw Josey Wales.


- Bagels on the house.
- Hey.

- How was your first day?
- Oh, fantastic.

It felt so good to get my hands
back in that dough.

- Your hands were in the dough?
- No, I didn't make these bagels.

Yeah, they're day-olds.
The homeless won't even touch them.

We try to fool them
by putting a few fresh ones on top...

but they dig, they test.

- All right. I'm out of here.
- Happy Festivus.

- What's Festivus?
- When George was...

- No.
- His father...

Stop it. It's nothing.

It's a stupid holiday
my father invented. It doesn't exist.

Happy Festivus, Georgie.

Frank invented a holiday?
He's so prolific.

Kramer. Listen,
I got a little phone relay going.

So if a guy calls H & H and he's
looking for me, you take a message.

You're still trying
to get that free sub?

Hey, I have spent a lot of time
and I have eaten a lot of crap...

to get to where I am today,
and I am not throwing it all away now.

Is there a captain's hat
involved in this?


Kramer, I got your message.

I haven't celebrated Festivus in years.

- What is your interest?
- Well, just tell me everything.

Many Christmases ago,
I went to buy a doll for my son.

I reached for the last one they had,
but so did another man.

As I rained blows upon him,
I realized there had to be another way.

- What happened to the doll?
- It was destroyed.

But out of that
a new holiday was born.

A Festivus for the rest of us.

That must have been
some kind of doll.

She was.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Oh, Sandy,
here is a little something for you.


Phil, loved those cigars. Incoming.

- Mr. Kruger, sir. Merry Christmas.
- Not if you could see our books.

- What is this?
- The Human Fund.

- Whatever.
- Exactly.

Merry Christmas.

And at the Festivus dinner you gather
your family around and tell them...

all the ways they have
disappointed you over the past year.

- And is there a tree?
- No. Instead there's a pole.

Requires no decoration.
I find tinsel distracting.

Frank, this new holiday of yours,
it's scratching me right where I itch.

- Let's do it then.
- All right.

Festivus is back. I'll get the pole out
of the crawl space.

- Hello, Frank.
- Hello, woman.

Kramer. Kramer.
Any word from the Vest?

No, no.

Listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.

Hey, I hired you to work during
the holidays. This is the holidays.

- But it's Festivus.
- What?

You're infringing on my right
to celebrate new holidays.

- That's not a right.
- Well, it's going to be...

because I'm going back on strike.

Yeah, it's a walkout.

I gotta stay and wait for the call.

You're siding with management?

- No. I'm just...
- Scab.

Scab. Scab.

- Hey.
- Boy, am I glad to see you.

- You were expecting someone else?
- You never know.

You know, you might want
to take the tunnel.

So, what do you feel like eating?
Chinese or Italian?

I could go either way.

You're telling me.

So she was switching back and forth?

The whole time.

She was like a 3D baseball card
that changes depending on the angle.

So one minute she's pretty
and at the plate...

and the next she's ugly
and advancing the runners.

- So, what happened next?
- Well, we stopped by here...

and the only place
she always looked good...

was in that back booth over there.

Just bring her here.
This is all you really need.

I can't just keep bringing her
to the coffee shop.

I mean, what if things,
you know, progress?

Lights out.

All right, I'll give it a shot.
I do really like this coffee shop.

- Nice cuff links, by the way.
- Office Christmas gift.

I tell you, this Human Fund
is a gold mine.

That's not a French cuff shirt,
you know?

I know, I cut the button off
and poked a hole.

Oh, that's classy.

Well, happy Festivus.

What is that? Is that the pole?

George, Festivus is your heritage.
It's part of who you are.

That's why I hate it.

There's a big dinner Tuesday night
at Frank's house. Everyone's invited.


you're forgetting how much
Festivus has meant to us all.

I brought one of the cassette tapes.

- Read that poem.
- I can't read it. I need my glasses.

You don't need glasses.
You're just weak. You're weak.

Leave him alone.

All right, George. It's time
for the Festivus feats of strength.

Oh, no. Turn it off. There's no
feats of strength. I hate Festivus.

We had some good times.

- Hey.
- Hi, there. This is Kramer and Frank.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- So you ready to go?
- Why don't we stay here?

The back booth just opened up.

Now, this is a good-looking booth.

Get Festivus. Hey, no bagel,
no bagel, no bagel, no bagel.

Hey, no bagel, no bagel,
no bagel....

Lady, if you want a sandwich,
I'll make you a sandwich.

I want the one that I earned.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

H & H and Elaine.
Elaine, you should get out of there.

I sabotaged the bagel machine
last night. It's going down.

- What did you do?
- You've been warned.

Oh, hi.

- Hey, the steam valve broke.
- Can we still make bagels?

Sure. It's just a little steamy.

How do you like your bagels now?

George, I got something for you.

I'm supposed to find a charity...

and throw some
of the company's money at it.

They all seem the same to me,
so, what's the difference?

- Twenty thousand dollars?
- Made out to the Human Fund.


Oh, damn, I've locked myself
out of my office again.

All right. I'm going home.

Jerry, how many times
do we have to come to this place?

Why? It's our place.

I just found a rubber band
in my soup.

Well, I know who's cooking today.

- Hey, surprise, surprise.
- Hey, Georgie.

I think I'm just gonna go.

I'll be here.

- Hey, soup.
- She didn't touch it.


Hey, take a look at this.

Twenty thousand dollars from Kruger?
You're not keeping this.

- I don't know.
- Excuse me?

I've been thinking,
this might be my chance...

to start giving back.

You wanna give something back?
Start with the $20,000.

- I'm serious.
- You're gonna start your own charity?

I think I could be a philanthropist.
A kick-ass philanthropist.

I would have all this money
and people would love me.

Then, they would come to me
and beg.

And if I felt like it,
I would help them out...

and then,
they would owe me big time.

The first thing I'm gonna need
is a driver.

No bagel, no bagel, no bagel,
no bagel, no bagel.

Kramer, Vest just called.

Yamahama, it's fright night.

Oh, yeah. I got a little steam bath.

Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have
my hands on that Atomic Sub card.


Free sub.

- I'll see you.
- Yeah.

- Kramer. Hi.
- Oh, hello.

It's Gwen.
We met at the coffee shop.

I'm dating your friend, Jerry.

Oh, I don't know
who you really are...

but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend
and she's not you.

You're much better looking
and like a foot taller.

That's why we're always hiding
in that coffee shop.

- He's afraid of getting caught.
- Oh, he's a tomcat.


- It's Elaine.
- From Tim Whatley's party?

- Yeah.
- You look...


I see you're still sticking
with the denim.

Do you have that card
that I gave you?

Well, I had it back at my place...

but I can't go there now.
I'll give it to you later or something.

No, no, no.
You give me your number.

Okay. Sure.

- Do you have the mumps?
- No.

- Typhoid?
- No.


A fake number. Blimey.

George, we've got a problem.

There's a memo here
from accounting...

telling me there's no such thing
as the Human Fund.

Well, there could be.

But there isn't.

Well, I could...
I could give the money back. Here.

George, I don't get it.

If there's no Human Fund,
those donation cards were fake.

You better have
a damn good reason...

why you gave me
a fake Christmas gift.

Well, sir, I gave out
the fake card because...

I don't really celebrate Christmas.

I celebrate Festivus.

- Vemonus?
- Festivus, sir.

And I was afraid that I would be
persecuted for my beliefs.

They drove my family out
of Bayside, sir.

- Are you making all this up too?
- Oh, no, sir.

Festivus is all too real
and I could prove it... if I have to.

Yeah, you probably should.

- Happy Festivus.
- George. This is a surprise.

- Who's the suit?
- Yo, Dad, this is my boss Mr. Kruger.

- Have you seen the pole?
- No, he doesn't need to see the pole.

He's gonna see it.

Happy Festivus.


I didn't have time to go home.
What are you doing here?

- Embracing my roots.
- They nailed you on the 20 G's?

Busted cold.

It's made from aluminum.
Very high strength to weight ratio.

I find your belief system fascinating.

Hey, Happy Festivus, everyone.

- Hello, again, Miss Benes.
- What are you doing here?

Damnedest thing. Me and Charlie
were calling to ask you out...

and we got this bagel place.

I told them I was just about to see you.
It's a Festivus miracle.

- Dinner's ready.
- Let's begin.

Dr. Van Nostrand.

Oh, that's right.

Welcome, newcomers.

The tradition of Festivus begins
with the airing of grievances.

I got a lot of problems
with you people...

and now you're gonna
hear about it.

Yo, Kruger.

My son tells me your company stinks.

Oh, God.

Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute.


You couldn't smooth a silk sheet
if you had a hot date with a babe...

I lost my train of thought.

- Jerry.
- Gwen?

- How did you know I was here?
- Kramer told me.

Another Festivus miracle.

I guess this is the ugly girl
I've been hearing about.

Hey, I was in a shvitz for six hours.
Give me a break.

Gwen. Gwen, wait.

Bad lighting on the porch.

- Hey, how did my horse do?
- He had to be shot.

And now as Festivus rolls on,
we come to the feats of strength.

Not the feats of strength.

This year the honor
goes to Mr. Kramer.

Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go.

I have to work a double shift
at H & H.

- I thought you were on strike.
- Yeah, well, I caved.

I mean, I really had
to use their bathroom.

Frank, no offense,
but this holiday's a little...

out there.

Hey, Kramer, you can't go.

Who's gonna do
the feats of strength?

How about George?

Good thinking, Cougar.

Until you pin me, George,
Festivus is not over.

Oh, please. Somebody stop this.

Let's rumble.

- I think you can take him, Georgie.
- Hey, come on. Be sensible.

Stop crying and fight your father.

- Oh, I give. I give.
- This is the best Festivus ever.

All right. That's enough. You're fired.

Thank you.