Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 9 - The Apology - full transcript

George goes out of his way to seek an apology for an insult. Elaine is insulted when a fellow co-worker is scared of her germs, while Puddy admits that he's a fellow germophobe. Jerry dates a nudist and learns the difference between good naked and bad naked. Kramer installs a garbage disposal in his shower.

Any second now.

It's light is on.

Melissa, waffles are ready.

Oh, fantastic. I'm starving.

How about that?

She ate breakfast naked?

She didn't even want a napkin.

I've had bedroom naked,
I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked.

I have never had living-room naked.

Oh, it's a scene.

It's like you're living
in the Playboy Mansion.

Did she...? Did she frolic?

I don't have enough room.

- Hey, Laney, Puddy.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- I gotta make a pit stop.
- Okay.

Back together?

His apartment was being fumigated.
We thought we'd give it another shot.

So guess who called me last night.
Jason Hanke.

"Stanky" Hanke? What did he want?

He called to apologise
for standing me up five years ago.

Why now?

A.A. It's one of the 12 steps.

Step number 9 is
you have to apologise...

to everyone you've ever wronged.

I can't wait for Hanke
to come crawling back to me.

Still with the neck hole?

- Still upset. Very upset.
- What neck hole?

Remember that party
he threw a few years ago?

He had that very draughty apartment.
I think on 9th Avenue...


- I asked if I could borrow a sweater.
- A cashmere sweater.

I said, preferably cashmere.
For warmth.

In front of the whole party,
he says:

"No. I don't want you stretching out
the neck hole."

Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up.
Everybody else did.

Well, it's funny.
I mean, you have a big head.

Or is it because of your neck?

No, I think the head does
most of the stretching.

Regardless, I had to walk around
for the rest of the party...

in some cheap MetLife Windbreaker.
Now it is payback time.

- I really think it's the size of your neck.
- It's my head.

- Hey, isn't this great?
- Hey.

Since the nerds in Accounting

we're the only ones
in this bathroom.

Yeah. Great.

You went to the coffee shop
without me?

I told you I just wanted to hop
in the shower.

That's an hour ago.
What were you doing in there?

How long does it take you?

- Ten minutes.
- Ten minutes?

That's kooky talk.

Elaine, how long do you spend
in the shower?

- Ten minutes.
- Let me smell you.

All right. Whiff away.

It's not bad at all.

- That's it.
- Okay.

So get this. I'm in the bathroom
at work today...

and I see Peggy using
a seat protector.

- So?
- We're the only women on the floor.

I mean, we're like roommates.

Would you use a seat protector
if you had a roommate?

The damage is probably
already done.

- All right. I'll get that.
- All right. It's just...

Maybe she just practises
good hygiene.

Yeah, you're right. She's probably one
of those neurotic clean freaks.

Well, here's my shower routine.
Maybe I can make some changes.

Get washcloth mittens
and maybe some liquid soap...

and just... focus.

Zephyr? That is not a word.

- Do you challenge?
- No, I do not challenge.

Sixty-six points.

I'd accuse you of cheating,
but where would you hide the tiles?

- You want some more iced tea?
- Sure.

Wrong pipe.

So she coughed.

Coughing? Naked?

It's a turnoff, man.

Everything goes with naked.

When you cough, there are
thousands of unseen muscles...

that suddenly spring into action.

It's like watching a fat guy
catch a cannonball...

in his stomach in slow motion.

Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man.

You know how much mental energy
I expend...

trying to picture women naked?

But the thing you don't realise is
there's good naked and bad naked.

Naked hair brushing, good.
Naked crouching, bad.

- Hey, there's Hanke.
- All right, it's grovel time.

Hey, George. Jerry.

Listen, I just got sober...

so I've been going
through the 12 steps.

What are you up to now? Step 9?

Yeah. Making amends.

Important step.

Maybe the most important.

Anyway, Jerry, you know,
this may sound dumb...

but when we first met,
I thought your name was Gary.

I think I may even have called you
Gary a couple of times.

I don't know if you noticed,
but I always felt bad.

So I'm sorry.

Thank you. I did notice
and I appreciate you rectifying it.

Great. Great.

Well, I'll see you guys later.

Well, I just got out
of a 27-minute shower.

I made some good cuts
and I didn't lose anything I needed.

Yeah, I think what I kept is
even stronger now.

- You've got some suds over here.
- What?

Oh, man.

Jeez. Look at that. I'm all lathery.

Jerry, you gotta show me
what I'm doing wrong.

- Oh, come on.
- No, I mean it, man. I'm lost.

You promise you'll never come
in here again?

Well, Jerry, you know I can't do that.

My sense of it is you're probably
wasting time working piecemeal:

- First cleaning one area, then another.
- Well, that's how cats do it.

But when you have a faucet
instead of a tongue...

you wanna use gravity.

Okay, let's turn the water on now.

No, I told you. It's just a dry run.

Hanke's moved on to Step 10.

- He was taking personal inventory.
- That's Step 10?

He has to do is count his blessings,
say a prayer and he's done.

You believe this?

Come on, Jerry,
how about a baggy swimsuit?

No. You're not getting
any skin, Kramer.

Well, this has all been
one big tease.

These proofs look pretty good.

Oh, can I move this?

Yep. I think this will work.

I'm gonna get another bottle
of water.

Here, take mine. There's a little left.

Oh, thanks, Walter.

Guys, there's no doubt
that the pay is good.

But I just don't know if I see myself
working with ice cream.

You get pretty buff forearms.

I don't know if I'm into that.

- Oh, hello, Hanke, others.
- George.

You know, Jason,
I couldn't help notice:

I didn't get my apology.

Apology? For what?

A draughty apartment.
A sweaterless friend.

A ball-game-giveaway
MetLife Windbreaker.

George, come on.
Not that neck-hole thing.

Yes, the neck-hole thing.

I'd appreciate it
if you'd say you're sorry.

No way. You would have
completely stretched it out.

You're an alcoholic.
You have to apologise.

Step 9. Step 9.

All right, George, all right.
I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry.

I'm so sorry that I didn't want
your rather bulbous head...

struggling to find its way
into the normal-size neck hole...

of my finely knit sweater.

Now, see, that's smart.
Constant motion.

- Hey.
- Oh, yeah. I'm watching you too...

but this guy's really
showing me something.

You got a steak?

What happened to you?

People in this city are crazy.

Here you go.

Thanks, buddy.

Oh, yes. Yeah, you got any A.1.,
because I'm cooking a steak.

- What?
- A different one.

Okay, Jerry. I fixed that bike.

That wasn't really necessary.
I don't ride it. It's just for show.

I gotta clean those bearings.
Hold this.

- Look at all that gunk.
- Please don't crouch.

- It caught my skin.
- Oh, that's bad.

Especially that area.

You got anything to snack on?

Oh, pickles.

It's a tough one.

Please stop.
Let me help you with that.

It's gonna leave a welt.
Look at that.

I can't. I can't look anymore.

I've seen too much.

Peggy, we gotta talk.

What is it about me
that you find so offensive?

- You seem to be with a lot of men.
- What?

I happen to have
a very steady boyfriend.

You know, I mean,
we broke up a few times...

and there has been
an occasional guy here or there, but...

Why is this your business?

It's not. Good day.

Oh, all right.
You think I've got germs?

I'll give you some germs.

How about some
for your keyboard, huh?

How about that? Yeah?

Oh, how about for your stapler?

That's good, isn't it?
You have a happy and a healthy.

Well, technically, he did apologise.

Jerry, I felt like a straight man
in some horrible sketch.

He was riffing. Riffing. On my pain.

You want an apology for the apology
plus the original apology?

That's right. I'm two in the hole.

Well, I hit the wall yesterday
with Lady Godiva.

She did a full-body flex
on a pickle jar.

Did you explain about the good naked
and the bad naked?

Where am I gonna get a fat guy
and a cannonball?

Well, what if you showed her
bad naked, huh?

- You still got that belt sander?
- Yeah.

Well, you on all fours,
that thing vibrating...

kicking up sawdust.

She'll get the picture.

- Hello?
- Jerry, guess where I'm calling from.

- World War I plane?
- No, I'm in my shower.

I'm trying to get out
of the shower sooner.

And then I asked myself why.
I mean, this is where I wanna be.

I got a waterproof phone, I shaved,
I brushed my teeth...

and I ordered a pair of chinos
from J. Crew.

- When are you getting out?
- I'm not. I'll see you later, buddy.

Bad news, people.
Peggy is home sick.

Oh, please.

She's stuffed up, achy
and suffering from intense malaise.

Oh, come on.
We all have intense malaise, right?

I just spoke with her, Elaine.

She's in bed.

Yeah. Let me tell you something.
This is all in her mind.

She is insane.

She thinks I made her sick
because I coughed on her doorknob...

rubbed her stapler in my armpit
and put her keyboard on my butt.

Yeah. She's a wacko.

- So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor.
- Sponsor.

Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned
about this guy.

He's doing very well.
He's already on to Step 10.

If you don't do the steps...

you can go through them
pretty fast.

You can get through six a day.

Is there some unresolved issue
between you and Jason?

I don't know, a little something
called Step 9?

Instead of an apology he was
bebopping and scatting all over me.

I'm not sure
what you want me to do.

Well, aren't you the boss of him?

You shouldn't let him move up.

When I was in Cub Scouts,
I got stuck on Webelos...

for three years because I kept losing
the Pinewood Derby.

You're quite upset.

I think you should drop him down
to Step 2.

Admit there's a higher power?

Yeah, let him chew on that
for a while.

You know, George,
I think I can help you.

We're having a meeting.
Why don't you come by?

All right. That's more like it.
Thank you very much.

By the way,
my uncle was an alcoholic.

Lomez, you're not listening.
Jerry likes the naked.

It's just some of the things
that she does when she's naked.

Calm down. I'm on your side.

Jeez. Hey, hold on a second.

I got a clog. I'll call you back.

- What are you doing?
- I found a spot on the kitchen floor.

I thought I'd polish it up
with this belt sander I have here.

No, not that. Why are you naked?

- I thought naked is good.
- This isn't good naked.

George, here, have a seat.

Where's Hanke?

Okay, let's get started.

Welcome to
Rage-aholics Anonymous.

- What? Rage-aholics?
- George, this can help you.

Hey, I am not here for rage.
I'm here for revenge.

Excuse me. We have
a no-yelling policy at these meetings.

Excuse me. Am I talking to you,
pinhead? Am I?

Please don't call me pinhead.

I'm losing it.

He took you to Rage-aholics?

Probably because this whole universe
is against me.

- You got a little rage.
- I know.

And now, they want me to bottle it up.
It makes me so mad.

By the way, my bad-naked demo
didn't quite work.

This bread has nuts in it.

Oh, great, Elaine.

What is wrong with my body?

Chicken-wing shoulder blades.

- That's it?
- No, but that's one problem. Why?

I was walking around naked
in front of Melissa the other day...

Walking around naked?

That is not a good look for a man.

Why not?
It's a good look for a woman.

Well, female body is a work of art.

The male body is utilitarian.
It's for getting around. It's like a Jeep.

- So you don't think it's attractive?
- It's hideous.

The hair, the lumpiness.

It's simian.

Well, some women like it.


"Installing your Clarkman
garbage disposal.

Dismantle latch hasp
beneath main drainage line."

Oh, come on, Clarkman.

- Puddy.
- Is David Puddy there?

- This is Puddy.
- Oh, this is Kramer.

I know.

You're a mechanic. Could you help me
instal a garbage disposal?

You gotta dismantle the latch hasp
from the auxiliary drainage line.

- No, it says main line.
- It's a misprint.

- What do you got, a Clarkman?
- Yeah.

I'll call you. I'll talk you through it.

Oh, okay. Well, thanks, Puddy.

- Hey, Puddy.
- Hey, babe, your boss called.

You owe 5 bucks
for a balloon bouquet.

Yeah, he says you can just give it
to him tomorrow when you see him.

Balloon bouquet for who?

Peggy took a turn for the worse.

Peggy? Great.
I suppose she's still blaming me?

- He said so.
- Yeah.

I don't believe this woman.

Talk to me, babe.

She's this crazy woman...

who is convinced
that my germs make her sick.

Oh, a germaphobe.

I know what that's about.

I'm a recovering germaphobe.

Ten years.

- What is this symbol?
- It's a germ.

It was very nice of you
to bring the man...

you're sleeping with to talk...

but I assure you,
I don't have any problem with germs.

Don't you? Elaine.


I know it looks bleak.
I've been there.

Ten years ago, waking up
next to a woman like this...

would have sent me running
for the pHisoHex.

- Really?
- I still have trouble looking...

at those disgusting old bedroom
slippers she slobs around in.

Hey, I've had those since college.
They're bunnies.

They're bacteria traps.

So you just learned to live with it?

For the most part.

Okay. We're broken up
for the rest of the day.

So I'm glad we had a talk
and worked this out.

- Don't you feel this is better?
- This is nice.

Yes, clothes. This is normal.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I was thinking that we could go...


Jerry, are you listening to me?

Yeah. What? I'm sorry.

I wanted to know
what you were doing tomorrow.

Maybe a haircut and, I don't know,
maybe go somewhere...

So you broke up.

We couldn't carry on
a conversation.

I kept trying to picture her naked...

she kept trying
to not picture me naked.

Hang on.

So, what are you up to?

Oh, just cooking up
a little thank-you for Puddy.

Hey, how do you make
those radish roses?

Insert a knife into the centre
and twist.

Then to make it bloom, soak it in water
for 30 to 40 minutes.

No problem there.

George, thanks for coming down
to talk.

I wanted to see you right away,
but my hours here aren't so flexible.

I just started yesterday.

Well, I'm here. What is it?

Well, I talked to my sponsor...

and I've thought it over
and you know...

my apology at the coffee shop
was sarcastic and rude...

and you deserve much better.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

- Can I get a triple Minute Man Mint?
- Waffle or sugar cone?

Excuse me, Jason.

I don't wanna get into a big thing here
but I'm not sure if technically...

what you just said was actually
an apology.

- What?
- Can you get on that cone?

Would you hang on just a second?
What are you talking about?

All you said was, "You're welcome."
Which is nice. It's very nice.

But I feel I gotta get the apology.

- Is there anybody else here but you?
- I'm alone and it's my second day.

You know, I don't even think
we have that flavour, so...

George, really, enough, okay?

I admitted I was wrong.
What more do you want from me?

- I want an apology.
- All right, look...

- Did you try it?
- He doesn't know what he's doing.

Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do.

I'm interacting with someone here,
if you can understand that.

- Now, I'm sorry.
- There it is.

You said it. That's what I want.
Say it again and tell it to me.

I'm not saying anything to you.
I'm not sorry. I was never sorry.

It was cashmere. I hate Step 9.

Where's that Rum Raisin?
Where is it?

I can't find anything. I need a drink.

Daiquiri Ice. Here we go.

What are you looking at?

Get out. Come on.

Can't you see we're closed?
Get out.

This food is fantastic, Kramer.

- And what a pretty radish rose, huh?
- Well, thank you.

Well, here's to Peggy on her first week
of being germfree free.


And here's to David Puddy for helping
me instal a much-needed...

and much-appreciated
garbage disposal in my bathtub.


You have a garbage disposal
in your bathtub?

Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time.

I made this whole meal in there.

This food was in the shower
with you?

I prepared it as I bathed.

Oh, germs. Germs. Germs!

Excuse me? Is this Rage-aholics?

- No. Germaphobes.
- Thanks.

What are you guys doing here?

- Kramer.
- Right.

Hi, I'm Jason.

- I'm a Rage-aholic.
- Hi, Jason.

- This is my first meeting.
- Step-skipper.

That man is a step-skipper.
He skips Step 9.

- Please, Step 9.
- That's right.

He never apologised to me...

for saying that I would stretch out
the neck hole on his sweater.

It wasn't funny.

It was a very nice sweater.

Take a look at his neck, not to mention
the melon sitting on top of it.

I don't know if I'd trust him
with a V-neck.

He's bebopping and scatting,
and I'm losing it.