Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 11 - The Dealership - full transcript

Jerry goes to buy a new car from David Puddy, who's been promoted to the sales floor. But after Elaine breaks up with Puddy (again), Jerry is worried that he wont get a good deal on the car. George seeks revenge on a mechanic after he accuses the mechanic of stealing his candy bar. Kramer takes the same car Jerry is looking at out on a long test drive to see how far he can go on free gas without filling up the tank.

When are they gonna have
the flying cars?

Yeah, they have been
promising that for a while.

Years. When we were kids they made it
seem like it was right around the corner.

I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.

No, that's just electric.

What about Harrison Ford?
He had one in Blade Runner.

That was a cool one.

Well, what's the competition?
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

What do you think
the big holdup is?

The government is very touchy
about us being in the air.

Let us run on the ground
much as we want.

Anything in the air
is a big production.

Yeah, right. And what about
the floating cities?

- And the underwater bubble cities?
- It's like we're living in the '50s here.

That's good suspension.

Would you stop it? You'll have plenty
of time to destroy it after I get it.

Hey, George, I'm buying this car.

What is wrong with you?
You never tell them you like the car.

You're not sure what you want.
You don't even know why you're here.

That vein again.

- I'm starving. I should've had lunch.
- It'll be 20 minutes.

I told you, Puddy's getting me
an insider deal.

Since when is Elaine's boyfriend
selling cars?

- I thought he was a mechanic.
- I guess he graduated.

Easy move. Go from screwing you
behind your back...

to screwing you
right to your face.

Thank you.

Puddy's just gonna give you
the car, huh? You'll see.

They stick you with the undercoating,
rustproofing, dealer prep.

Suddenly you're on your back
like a turtle.

- All right, calm down.
- My father had a car-salesman buddy.

He was gonna fix him up real nice.

Next thing I know, I'm getting dropped
off in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof.

All the kids are shouting at me,
"Hey, Le George. Bonjour, Le George.

Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker."

I don't think this thing
is hooked up right.

All right, we're going in.

You got a good eye there.

I see you've noticed
the unibody construction.

I'm Rick. Are you looking
to buy or to lease?

Borrow. From my friend.
Yeah, he'll by buying it.

- Maybe I should talk to him.
- Oh, I don't think so.

No, he's an entertainer.

You know, all over the place.
That's where I come in.

- I see. So you're his manag...?
- Neighbor. That's right.

Why don't we take this boiler out
for a shakedown, huh?

Look at these salesmen.

The only thing these guys fear
is the walkout.

No matter what they say, you say:

- "I'll walk out of here right now."
- Can I help you with something?

Hold it.
One more step and we're walking!

George. Sorry, we're just waiting
for David Puddy.

He is.
You don't know what I'm doing.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Sorry I'm late.
- My new salesman boyfriend...

took me out
to celebrate his promotion.

Oh, where'd you go?

- To a restaurant.
- Arby's.

I had the roast beef.

So I decided I'm gonna go
with a 900 convertible.

All right, classic. High-five.

Can you tell me
where the Xerox machine is?

Oh, sure, babe.
Salesmen-only copy room right there.

Come on, I'll show you the 900.

Yeah, you show us the 900.

And look at these features,
Mr. Kramer.

Antilock brakes,
automatic climate control...

Make a right at this corner, please.

an adjustable steering wheel and...
Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn.

- No, no, no, I didn't.
- Well, that's okay.

Make this next right
and swing back to the dealership.

Well, it's a test drive, right?
I never drive around here.

If I'm gonna recommend this car...

I need to see that it'll handle
my daily routine.

Well, where're we going?

Just a little place I like to call
You'll See.

I'm starving.

You got any of those free doughnuts
you use to soften people up?

By the Service Department.

All right, remember, no rustproofing.
Commit to nothing.

If you have to speak, mumble.

- Au revoir, Le George.
- Don't think it can't happen.

Puddy, this is a pretty good move
for you.

- No more grease monkey.
- I don't care for that term.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know.

I don't know too many monkeys
who could take apart a fuel injector.

I saw one
that could do sign language.

Yeah, I saw that one.


Yeah, Koko.

Right. Koko.

That chimp's all right. High-five.

Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on here?

You didn't agree to anything.

No, we both just saw
the same monkey.

Well, I got screwed
on the doughnuts.

There were none left.

There's a vending machine.
I can show you where it is.

Hey, give me a dollar.

Where's your money?

I'm here helping you.

Hey, where's Puddy?
The copy machine is broken.

That's what they want you to think.

Have you noticed your boyfriend has
developed an annoying little habit?

- The squinting?
- No.

- The staring?
- No.

He keeps asking me
to give him a high-five.

I thought all guys do that.

Slapping hands is the lowest form
of male-primate ritual.

In fact, some of them have moved on.
They're doing sign language now.

It's that bad?

What do you think the Nazis
were doing? That was the heil-five.

Isn't that from your act,
like, 10 years ago?

It was a good bit in the '80s,
and it's still relatable today.

Good news, we got a 900 in black.

That's the hot color. High-five.

David, can you come help me
fix the copy machine? Come on.

You owe me five.



Come on.

Excuse me, do you have
change of a dollar?


Could I trade you for another dollar?

- Don't have one.
- Excuse me.

When your wallet was open,
I glanced inside...

and I couldn't help but notice
that you have several crisp dollar bills.

You're incorrect.

Perhaps you could look again, please.
I'm very hungry.

We had doughnuts earlier.

I guess everyone here enjoys giving
the old scroogie, huh?

You're all doing a hell of a job.

What I would do with you.

Mr. Kramer, we're really not allowed
to use the cars to run errands.

Now, look, Rick,
I'm very close to giving this car...

that my celebrity friend
is considering, my full endorsement.

Well, let's see if I can get a smile
from these femininas.

Hey, ladies. It's a Saab 900.
What do you think?

Can I interest you
in a little supplemental restraint?

I think the candy comes out
over there.

People drop change
down here, Jerry.

And they're too lazy to pick it up.

Either that or they've got a weird little
hang-up about lying face down in filth.

Why don't you just go
to the cashier?

The cashier is at lunch,
which is where I'd like to be.

- How much was under there?
- I think something bit me.

I just need another nickel.

Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for
the CD player. What do you think?

He's got a live one.
He's just reeling this big fish in.

Hey, could I have my dollar back?

It's wrinkled. It's worthless.

Come on.


They put out some more doughnuts.

- They did?
- Last one.

Well, just one more errand
and we can head back.

Actually, it looks like
we're gonna need some gas.

Well, how much gas you think
is in there right now?

Well, it's on E.

You know, Rick, often times,
Jerry, he lends me his car...

and I find myself in a situation
where the car is almost out of gas.

But for a variety of reasons...

I don't wanna be the one responsible
for purchasing costly gasoline.

So you wanna know how far you can
drive your friend's car for free.

Well, I make it up to him
in other ways.

As you will see,
the candy bar is paid for...

and yet remains dangling
in the machine.

Hey, it's gone.

Where is my Twix?

That guy's eating it.

How do you know that one's yours?

It was dangling.
There were two left in the machine.

He must have bought one
and gotten both.

- Sir, are you gonna buy a car?
- No.

Hey. Hey. I see you.
That is my Twix.

Paper jam. Got it.


On the flip side.

- David, I...
- Don't leave me hanging.

You're a salesman now.
The high-five is...

It's very grease monkey.

- What did I tell you about that?
- I'm sorry.

But the high-five is just so stupid.

Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid.

You, stupid.

Oh, that is really mature.

Yeah? So are you.

You're the grease monkey.

That doesn't make any sense.

- I am leaving.
- Yeah, if you leave, we're through.

- Fine, we're through.
- Oh, so you're leaving?

That's right.
High-five, on the flip side.

Taking me to Arby's.

- Hey, where were you...?
- Let's finish this up.

- Did you two break up?
- That chick's whacked.

We're history.

Just left out a couple of things.

- Rustproofing?
- Transport charge.

Storage surcharge.
Additional overcharge.

- Finder's fee.
- Finder's fee? It was on the lot.

Yeah, that's right.

- And floor mats, keys.
- Keys?

How are you gonna start it?

Excuse me.
I believe you just ate my Twix bar.

It was dangling and when you
purchased your Twix bar...

you got a little freebie
and you never bothered to ask why...

or seek out its rightful owner.

First of all, it wasn't a Twix.
It was a 5th Avenue bar.

You must think I'm pretty stupid.

That's no 5th Avenue bar. I can see
the crumb in the corner of your lip.

Now, that is a cookie and we all know
that Twix is the only candy bar...

with the cookie crunch.

That's a little nougat.

Nougat? Please.
I think I've reached a point in my life...

where I can tell between
nougat and cookie.

So let's not just say things that we
both know are obvious fabrications.

You know you're getting
a little vein there?

I know about the vein. This guy.

- Hey, George.
- Hey, I'm starving.

Last one.
Listen, you gotta help me out.

Elaine and Puddy broke up. He's
treating me like a regular customer.

I tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen. No.

You were gonna get a deal.

There's no law in this place.
Anything goes. It's Thunderdome.

- Is someone helping you?
- Stay back.

Where is it now?

There's overlap between the needle
and slash below the E.

How low are you gonna go?

Oh, I've been in the slash
many times.

This is nothing. You'll get used to it.

Just put it out of your mind.

Have you ever been completely
below the slash?

Well, I almost did once
and I blacked out.

When I came to the car was in a ditch
and the tank was full.

I don't know who did it.
And I never got to thank them.

Mr. Kramer, the road.

When we started this deal, I thought
things were gonna be different.

If you wanna play hardball,
I got my friend George...

and he can play pretty hard. Ball.

George. Vein it up.

All right, Puddy,
listen and listen good.

I need to know the name of that
mechanic that walks around here.

Big guy, a liar, short name.
Sam, Mo, Sol...

George, can we focus
on the car here?

I'm starving. I can feel my stomach
sucking up against my spine.

Well, I need your signature here...

and we'll get you
that yellow car ready to go.

Yellow? I wanted black.

I can't give you black at that price.

George, would you help me,

Yes. This is wrong.

Sing it, sister!

Just because a candy bar fails
to fall from its perch...

Oh, God.

does not imply transfer
of ownership.

Mo, Sol or Lem is not gonna
get away with this.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Hey, George.

Is it just the angle I'm looking from?

- No, sir. We are down there.
- Oh, this is amazing.

Oh, I never felt so alive.

All right, I'm satisfied.
We better get some gas.

- What? Well, we can't stop now.
- What do you mean?

We have to keep going to
the dealership. That was the plan.

- There's no plan.
- Well, let's make it the plan.

Let's just go for it
like Thelma and Louise.

- They drove to a dealership?
- No, they drove off a cliff.

You are one sick mama. I like it.

Mr. Kramer, the road.

- Hello?
- You gotta back down to the dealer.

Puddy is screwing me on this car,
which is yellow now.

- Who is this? What?
- Elaine.

You gotta get back with Puddy
so I can make this deal.

You know, just that you cared enough
to call means so much, Jerry.

You're gonna get back together.
It's thousands of dollars.

I don't know.

You don't have to see him again
until my 15,000-mile check.

- Will you pay my cab fare out there?
- Fine.

I didn't like that roast beef
so how about lunch?

- No, no lunch.
- I'll hang this phone up right now.

- All right, lunch.
- See you.

Bye. Everybody's ripping me off.

I'd like to report a problem
with one of your mechanics.

When did you bring your car in?

Yeah, right. I'm gonna get my car
repaired at a dealership.

Why don't I just flush my money
down the toilet?

Sir, what exactly is the problem?

One of your guys, Kip or Ned...

Short name.
stole my Twix candy bar.

Are you saying he grabbed
your candy bar away from you?

He might as well have.

I caught him and his face was covered
in chocolate and cookie crumbs.

- I thought you said it was a Twix?
- Oh, it was.

But he claimed
it was a 5th Avenue bar.

- Maybe it was.
- Oh, no. No.

Twix is the only candy
with the cookie crunch.

- What about the $100,000 bar?
- No, rice and caramel.

- Nougat? Positive?
- No. Please.

You know they changed the name
from $100,000 bar to Hundred Grand?

All I want is my 75 cents back,
an apology, and for him to be fired.

I remember when you used to be
able to get a Hershey for a nickel.

What's the one with the swirling
chocolate in the commercial?

They all have swirling chocolate
in the commercial.

Not Skittles.

Dad, I told you you could sit here
only if you don't talk.

You make your father sit here
all day?

- He likes it.
- All right. Do you mind?

I have the window.

Now, what're you gonna do
about my Twix?

- Twix has too much coconut.
- No, there's no coconut!

- I'm allergic to coconut.
- I'm not.

A nickel.

- Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy.
- I'm with a customer.

No, no, no. Elaine, the car can wait.

What's important is you two
getting back together.

Then we'll talk about the car.

I don't wanna get back with her.
She's bossy.



Now, I know
this is an important decision.

Why don't we all just sit down
and talk about it?

Come on. Come on.

Now, look. You both find each other
attractive, right?

- Right.
- Right.

Clearly, no one else can stand
to be with either one of you.

- I guess.
- Good point.

All right.

Now, what do I have to do to put
you two in a relationship today?

Cars can go on empty,
but not us humans, huh, fella?

- I'll get us a couple of Twix bars.
- No.

No coconut for me.

All right, I'll get you a Mounds bar.
Keep the engine running.

No, man, not the gas.

But it needs it, Kramer.
It needs it bad.

You really think this will make
you happy? Because it won't.

You should go on without me.

Listen to me. When that car
rolls into that dealership...

and that tank is bone-dry,
I want you to be there with me...

when everyone says,
"Kramer and that other guy...

they went farther to the left of the
slash than anyone ever dreamed."

Maybe we'd better get moving.

It's good to have you back, Stan.

- It's Rick, by the way.
- No time.

Mr. Costanza, I really don't have
time for this.

Now, if this mechanic guy was,
in fact...

eating a 5th Avenue bar,
as he claims...

wouldn't you agree
he would have no problem...

picking one out
from a candy lineup?

Candy lineup?

I've spent the last hour
preparing 10 candy bars...

with no wrappers or identification
of any kind...

for him to select from.

That took you an hour?

Only I hold the answer key
to their true candy identities.

And so without further ado...

I give you...

the candy lineup.

Hey, Willie, check it out, free candy.

That's my candy lineup.
Where are my cards?

They're all on the floor.

And you? How many Twix does
that make for you today?

- Like, eight Twix?
- No.

- Hey, this Clark bar is good.
- It's a Twix.

They're all Twix. It was a setup.

A setup, I tell you.
And you've robbed it.

You've all screwed me again.

Now, give me one. Give me a Twix.

They're all gone.


What was that?

There's a mental hospital
right near here.

All right, Elaine, David...

I believe we have a deal here
in principle.

Arby's no more than once
a month...

and in exchange Elaine comes
to your softball game...

and doesn't read a book.

- Well, that's not bad.
- I can live with that.

- So you're back together?
- Yeah.

All right, all right, that's enough.
Now, let's get back to my deal.

That undercoating, that's a rip-off,
isn't it, David?

Oh, we don't even know what it is.

- So I'm getting the insider's deal?
- The insider's deal.


There's the dealer.

We did it. We pulled it off.
I can't believe it.

- Where's the needle?
- Oh, it broke off, baby.

Oh, Mr. Kramer,
I gotta thank you. I learned a lot.

Things are gonna be different
for me now.

Well, that's a weird thing to say.

I wonder how much longer
we'd have lasted.

Yeah, yeah, I wonder.

This is nice.
What kind of car is this?

Caprice Classic.

You couldn't just give him
one high-five?

And where does it end?
Then everyone's doing it.

It's like the wave at ball games.
Air quotes.

The phrase, "Don't go there."

Someone's gotta take a stand.

This Arby's is good.

So, George, I still don't understand.
How is that a setup?

Who were you trying to setup anyway?
The mechanic or the manager?

I don't know.
All of them, they're all crooks.

I couldn't get all different
candy bars anyway.

What was that?

I think there's a mental hospital
near here.

Yeah, very near.

Well, I think we stopped.

You can probably let go
of my hand now.

Well, I'll think about it.

Do you have my card?

A nickel.