Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 8 - The Chicken Roaster - full transcript

Kenny Rogers' Roasters sets up shop across the street from Jerry and Kramer's apartment. Unfortunately, their unusually large chicken sign causes problems for everybody. Kramer and Jerry wind up switching apartments because of it - and personalities. Jerry is freaked out by a wooden doll in Kramer's apartment and Newman gets Kramer hooked on Kenny Roger's chicken. Elaine gets comfortable in her position as president of the catalog but is quickly accused of abusing her company credit card benefits. Especially when Elaine buys George an expensive hat and George purposefully leaves it at his girlfriend's apartment in hopes that it will score another date. Meanwhile, Jerry's old college friend has lunch with him and winds up getting fired, and takes a new job at the Chicken Roaster's.

A dollar eighty-nine.
Why is this $1.89?

Why is there no
haggling in this country?

We like to think we've progressed
beyond a knife fight for a drink.

Not me.
Everything should be negotiable.

- Restaurants too?
- Absolutely.

Are you telling me there is
no room to move on pasta?

All starches are a scam.

Yeah, especially ziti,
with that big hole.

Excuse me. How much is this?

- A dollar nineteen.
- I'll give you a quarter.

Get the hell out of here.

- Tell him 40 and no fork.
- Thirty.

That's it. You leave
and never come back.

How about we leave
and come back in a week?


All right. See?
We got something there.

Oh, check it out.

Kenny Rogers Roasters
finally opened.

Hey, look at the size of
that neon chicken on the roof.

Rogers can't sell chicken around here.

We got chicken places
on every block.

He is The Gambler.

Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet
store. I'm helping him pick out a turtle.

- Try and stay calm.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey. Jerry?
- Seth.

Wow, what has it been,
like, five years?

- At least.
- You want to grab lunch?

I'm actually
headed back to the office.

Seth, it's me.

What's more important than catching
up with an old college buddy?

Well, I am supposed
to be in this meeting.

Blow it off. Remember Poli-Sci?
How many of those did we go to?

- All right, I guess I can go.
- All right. All right.

- Hey, whatever happened to Moochy?
- He's dead.

Is that right?

Still don't know how you can call lunch
with me a business expense.

- What do you think of the catalog?
- Stinks.

There, we just talked business.

We have the down comforter
and the cookware you liked.

Great. Put it on the Peterman
account with the other stuff.

You know what we have
you might like?

I'll take it.

Hey, you like?

I think it looks very nice on you.



- The Peterman account?
- Why not?

And some hair
for my little friend here.

So how's your standup career?

Good. As a matter of fact,
I almost had my own show in Japan.

- You speak Japanese?
- No.

So you would have done it in
Japan, but in English?

I don't know.

So, what's this job of yours?

Big investment firm.
We just got the Citibank account.

In fact, today was our
first big meeting with them.

The meeting you blew off?


Wasn't that kind of important?


And I bought a whole new set
of cookware and a water pick.

- You use a water pick?
- Sure. Water pick...

floss, Plax, brush, Listerine.

So you go into the bathroom 11,
you're in bed by what, 2?

At the latest. Oh, hang on a second.
I've got another call.

- Hello?
- Good day, Miss Benes...

it's Roger lpswich.

Oh, hey, how are things
doing in accounting?

Miss Benes, I notice you've been
charging quite a bit of merchandise...

on the Peterman account.

Well, I am the president.

Yes, and we're all very impressed.

Nevertheless, the expense account
is for business purposes only.

Well... Well, isn't the president
allowed to do anything that they want?


I'll be in your office
first thing tomorrow. Good day.

Good day.




Hey. Why didn't you
get the big one?

This hat just bottles in the heat.
I don't even need a coat.

It's unbelievable.

- I don't believe it.
- And I got a date with the saleswoman.

She got a little Marisa Tomei
thing going on.

Too bad you've got a little
George Costanza thing going on.

I'm going out with her tomorrow.
She had errands to run.

That's a date?

What's the difference?
You know the way I work.

I'm like a commercial jingle.

First, it's a little irritating. You hear
it a few times. You hum it in the shower.

By the third date, it's "By Mennen."

How you make sure
you get to the third date?

If there's any doubt,
I do a leave-behind.

Keys, gloves, scarf.
I go back to her place to pick it up...

- date number two.
- That is so old.

Why don't you just show up
at her house in a wooden horse?

By Mennen

What the...?

What's going on in there?

- What?
- That light.

Oh, the red.

Yeah, it's the chicken roaster sign.
It's right across from my window.

Can't you shut the shades?

They are shut.

By the way, your friend Seth,
he stopped by.

- Yeah? What'd he have to say?
- He was fired.

As you can see, the comforter
I expensed is actually...

the Aristotle goose down tunic.

- What do you think?
- Another bull's-eye.

Well, Mr. Ipswich,
since every one of my expenses...

was obviously
for a legitimate business purpose...

I just need to see the
sable hat you purchased yesterday.

The hat? Why do you need to
see the hat?

It cost $8000.


Seth, if you knew the meeting was so
important, why did you go to lunch?

We're old college buddies.

I only knew you through Moochy.

Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it,
all right?

The important thing is,
is we got a chance to catch up.

Mind if I grab the want ads?

Actually, I haven't read
Tank McNamara yet.

How's life on the red planet?

It's killing me.
I can't eat. I can't sleep.

All I can see is that giant red sun
in the shape of a chicken.

Well, did you go down to the
Kenny Rogers and complain?

Oh, they gave me the heave-ho.

I don't think that Kenny Rogers has
any idea what's going on down there.

What are you doing?

- Getting some cereal.
- That's tomato juice.

That looked like milk to me.

Jerry, my rods
and cones are all screwed up.

All right, that's it.

I gotta move in with you, Jerry.

I don't know, Kramer.

My concern is that...

Iiving together after a while we...

might start to get on
each other's nerves a little.

Listen, I got an idea.
You're a heavy sleeper, right?

Why don't we switch apartments?

Or I could sleep in the park.

You can knock these walls down,
make it an eight-room luxury suite.

Jerry, these are loadbearing walls.
They're not gonna come down.

Yeah, that's no good.

I may have to drive that place
out of business.

- Well, how are you going to do that?
- Like we did in the '60s.

Taking it to the streets.

- Thanks, George, but I got it from here.
- Oh, no, I'm in already. Come on.

So you wanna
get together tomorrow?

No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.

- What about this weekend?
- I'm gonna be busy for a while.

Okay. See you.

Hey, you forgot your keys.

- Those aren't my keys.
- Well, they're not mine.

They are my keys. How weird.

- Goodbye, George.
- Yeah, bye.

George, bye.

Hello? You are not gonna
believe the date I just had.


What do you mean,
you don't have the hat?

I left it at Heather's. Are these alive?

No, dead.

George, I need
that Russian hat back.

All right, all right. I'll call Heather.

You'll get your hat back.
I will get a second date.

Now, watch the magic.

Dial nine, Merlin.

- Hello?
- Heather, hi, it's George Costanza.

Listen, I don't mean
to bother you, but silly me...

I... I think I may have left my hat
in your apartment, so I thought...

- I'd just come by later and pick it up.
- You didn't leave a hat here.

I'm pretty sure I left it behind the
cushion of the chair, accidentally.

No hat. George, I've gotta go.

You know what,
maybe I'll just come... Hey, hey.

- Seth?
- Jerry, hi. What do you think?

I think you're taking the trash
out for this chicken place...

- but that couldn't be.
- Yeah, I'm the new manager.

But you were an executive.
This is fast food.

Not fast food. Good food quickly.

Hey, next time lunch
will be on me, huh, Jer?


Stay away from the chicken!
It's bad!

Bad chicken! Mess you up!

That's not going to be
good for business.

That's not gonna be
good for anybody.

I'm so glad we switched apartments.
It was the perfect solution.

Kramer, if I'm gonna live over there,
you gotta take some of this stuff out.

I mean, this thing
is really freaking me out.

I feel like it's gonna come to life
in the middle of the night and kill me.

What, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.

And one other thing, I don't want
Newman using my...

Oh, no.

- Nice place you got here, Kramer.
- Yeah.

A man could really
get some thinking done.

Don't get too comfortable.
As soon as Seth gets a real job...

you two are going back in that
chicken supernova.

What's that, Rogers chicken?
Oh, get that out of here.

I don't know. The man makes
a pretty strong bird.

Yeah, but I'm boycotting.

- What is that, hickory?
- Yeah.

It's the wood that makes it good.


Stop it. What's the matter with you?

- Can I help you?
- Hi, yeah, I'm Elaine Benes.

We met at Barney's.
I'm a friend of George Costanza's.


Whether you're aware of it or not,
George had this pathetic little plan...

to leave something behind so he
could try and weasel a second date.

- Really?
- I know.

He... He has a real
confidence problem.

- Well, not really...
- George.

I know you told him
that you didn't have the hat...

because you didn't want to see
him again, and more sympathetic...

I could not be...

but I really do need
to have the hat back.

Look. I don't know what to tell you,
but there's no hat here.

I mean, maybe the maid took it.
I had people over but...

Well, that makes sense.

Well, then you wouldn't mind
if we took a second look around?

Be my guest.

Good to see you again.

She's bluffing. She's got it
stashed away in there somewhere.

This is an absolute disaster.

Oh, I don't know. Check this out.

You stole her clock?

Well done.

Yep. This is one for our side.

What is that creaking?

It's like I'm in the hold of a ship.

I've gotta relax.


Is somebody there?

Mr. Marbles?

So I told lpswich I'd have
the hat by this afternoon.

- What am I going to do?
- You should sleep with him.

Hi, buddy.

I'm on no sleep, no sleep.

You don't know what it's like.
Things are creaking and cracking...

and that red light
is burning my brain.

- You look a little stressed.
- Oh, I'm stressed.

So, Kramer, what am l
supposed to do?

If I don't have that fur hat by 4:00...

they're gonna take me down
like Nixon.

You know my friend Bob Sacamano?

I thought he was Kramer's friend.

He called last night about
3 a.m. and we got to talking.

He sells Russian hats
down at Battery Park, 40 bucks.

Forty bucks? Are they sable?

No, but the difference is negligible.

Oh, yeah, I like this idea.

- All right. Let's give it a shot. Let's go.
- Giddyup.

- It's getting cold. It's getting cold.
- That was a close one.

Why do we have to
keep this from Jerry?

If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Rogers
chicken, I'm back with the red menace.

Miss Benes, the hat you charged
to the company was sable.

This is nutria.

Well, that's a... It's a kind of sable.

No, it's a kind of rat.

That's a rat hat?

And a poorly made one,
even by rat hat standards.

I've no choice but to
recommended your termination...

to the board of directors.
Nothing short of the approval...

of Peterman himself
will save you this time.

But... But he's in
the Burmese jungle.

And quite mad, too, from what I hear.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Can I fire you?


- So Heather called?
- Yeah, but get this.

The message said,
"Call me if you have the time."

If I have the time? You got it?

No, but this is all very exciting.

She knows that I have her clock.

I know that she has my hat.

I think she's getting ready
to make an exchange.

Well, there is the possibility that
you've gone right out of your mind.

I've looked at that. It seems unlikely.

Well, I'd look again.

So how come you didn't call
Jerry about all this?

Jerry. I can't talk to Jerry anymore.

Ever since he moved into
that apartment he's too much...

Iike you.

That's a shame.

Seth, you're the manager.
Can't you turn off that sign?

Jerry, I lied.
I'm just an assistant manager.

Number 67, family feast.

Number 67. Right here. Right here.

- Hello, Newman.
- Hello, Jerry.

And don't forget
your steamed broccoli.

Hold it.

Broccoli? Newman,
you wouldn't eat broccoli...

if it was deep fried
in chocolate sauce.

I love broccoli. It's good for you.


Then maybe
you'd like to have a piece.


Vile weed!

It's for Kramer, isn't it? I knew it.

The greasy doorknob.
The licking of the fingers.

- He's hooked on the chicken, isn't he?
- Yes! Yes, now, please...

someone, honey mustard.

Newman, what took you...
Hey, buddy.

- That was good.
- Expecting Newman?

That's funny, because
I happened upon him...

down at the
Kenny Rogers Roasters.

Kenny Rogers.
Oh, boy, I hate that place.

He was buying quite a load of chicken,
almost enough for two people.

- As long as one of them is not him.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, you know,
Elaine, she stopped by.

Yeah, dropped off
that Bob Sacamano hat.

Yeah, oh, she's upset with him.
Yes, sirree.

Yeah, well, thanks for stopping by.

I sure do miss my apartment.

Maybe I'll switch back.

You don't want to think about that.

Otherwise, I'd have no choice
but to put that banner back up...

and run that Rogers
right out of town.

I don't think you will.
As a matter of fact...

I'll save you the trouble.
I'll do it myself.

Go ahead. Put the banner up.
Doesn't matter to me.

- All right.
- No, Jerry.

I need that chicken!
I've got to have that ch...

Now, you leave those roasters alone!
Kenny never hurt anybody!

- You got a little problem.
- Oh, I got a big problem, Jerry!

Here. Kneel here.

- What?
- Kneel.

Kneel? Okay.


Mr. Peterman.

You speak Burmese?

No, Elaine, that was gibberish.

So did you have any
trouble finding the place?

No, you're the only...

in the neighborhood.

Are you an assassin?

I work for your mail order catalog.

You're an errand girl sent
by grocery clerks to collect a bill.

Well, actually, I do have a bill here.

If you could just sign this
expense form...

I think I could still make
the last fan boat out of here.

I'd be happy to, Elaine.

Here you go.

But I will have to see this hat.


So how do you want to do this?

All right, George, I'll be honest.

The first time we went out,
I found you very irritating.

But after seeing you
a couple of times...

you sort of got stuck in my head.


So you really don't have my hat?


Let's go do something.

- What's in the bag?
- Oh, that's... That's a sandwich.

Damn salami.

My clock.

- You stole it?
- That damn delicatessen.

That is the last time they
screw up one of my orders.

Hey, Seth. Man, it is coming
down hard out there.

Oh, gross.

That's not gonna be
good for business.

That's not gonna be
good for anybody.






Home at last.

Is someone there?

Mr. Marbles.

This is the urban sombrero.

I put it on the last catalogue cover.

The horror.

The horror.