Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 9 - The Abstinence - full transcript

When George's new girlfriend gets mononucleosis, he's told there'll be no sex for at least six weeks. Frustrated, he begins to realize he has interests in science and history. Jerry says the lack of sex has made him smarter as he's now concentrating on his brain. For Elaine however, the lack of sex is having the opposite effect. Jerry is supposed to speak at career day at his old junior high but is continually being bumped first by someone who goes over his time and then by a fire drill. Kramer doesn't like having to go outside the restaurant to smoke and seeing there are many in the same boat, decides to turn his apartment into a smoker's lounge. It all has a serious effect on his looks and turns to lawyer Jackie Chiles to get justice.

Say me, you and Kramer
are flying over the Andes.

Why are we flying over the Andes?

We got a soccer game in Chile.
Anyway, the plane crashes.

- Who are you gonna eat to survive?
- Kramer.

- So fast? What about me?
- No.

Kramer's so stringy. l'm plump, juicy.

Kramer's got more muscle, higher
protein content. lt's better for you.

- Well, l would eat you.
- That's very nice, l guess.

Why wouldn't you eat me?
I'm your best friend.

If other people are having some,
l'll try you.

Thank you.

- Can l have a piece of that?
- No.

George, l can't have sex.

With me, or in general?

I went to the doctor today.
I have mono.


- I hope that's not a problem for you.
- No, no.

So how long is this not gonna be
a problem for me?

- Six weeks?
- Yeah, six weeks.

So what?
You've gone six weeks before.

I can do six weeks
standing on my head.

I'm like a sexual camel.
That's not the point.

At least there was the possibility.

- You gonna break up with her?
- I don't know.

- I don't wanna be one of those guys.
- What guys?

Like us.

- So it's just mono.
- Mono?

Well, if anybody needs
any medical advice...

Laney met a doctor,
and he's unattached.

I thought the whole dream
of dating a doctor was debunked?

No, it's not debunk. lt's totally bunk.

Isn't bunk bad?
Like, "that's a lot of bunk"?

No, something is bunk,
then you debunk it.

- What?
- I think.

Lookit. l'm dating a doctor, and l like it.
Let's just move on.

- Hello. Oh, hi, Katie.
- Jerry.

Something came up for Tuesday
at the Dayton Civic Centre.

- That's Ohio, Jerry.
- I've heard of Ohio, Katie...

but Tuesday's no good.
I'm doing Career Day at my junior high.

Okay, Jerry, that's fine.

- All right.
- Katie works for Jerry.

- Yes, all right, Katie. Thank you. Yes.
- Sorry for the late notice.

- Bye. Bye.
- Okay, you're the...

- They asked you to do Career Day?
- Yeah, it's no big thing.

With all due respect, l went there too...

and l work for a team that
just won the World Series.

And you were integral.

Jerry, so nice of you
to come down here.

I'm on next, right?

Well, unfortunately, Mr. Amiry,
from the Bronx Zoo....

- The guy with the lizard?
- Yes.

Well, he started feeding it crickets,
and the children just love him...

and we're out of time.

So can you come back tomorrow?

I'm getting bumped?
You're bumping me from Career Day?

So do most doctors like ER,
or do you guys just think it's fake?

I couldn't tell you.
You know, l'm not really a doctor.

Then l'm not really attracted you.

I'm serious, Elaine.
I went to med school...

but l still have to pass
my licensing exam.

When do you take this exam?

I've taken it three times.
I almost passed the last one.

But you're basically a doctor.
I mean, people do call you doctor?

- Well....
- Can l introduce you as doctor?

- Yeah.
- All right. That's all l wanted to know.


It was fantastic, Jerry.

- We wound up talking all night.
- You're enjoying the not enjoying.

You know, just by conversing, you can
really learn a lot about a person.

I'm finding that out.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

How was Career Day?

I didn't get on.
The lizard guy went long.

- You got bumped from Career Day?
- It was a mix-up, l'm sure.

Sounds like they're trying to
screw with your head.

Now, why would a junior high school
wanna screw with my head?

Why does Radio Shack
ask for your phone number...

when you buy batteries?

I don't know.

Hey, hey.
Kramer, what are you doing?

- You can't smoke in here.
- Oh, go on.

- Hey, take it outside.
- Come on, Larry. You know me.

It bothers people,
and it's against the law.

You can make all the laws you want.
He's still gonna bother people.

- What, did they kick you out too?
- Yeah, they kicked us all out.

Thankssoch much for coming back, Jerry.
Care for a Graham cracker?

No, let's just do it.

What? What is going on?
What is that about?

Fire drill. Sorry.
Single file, everyone.

- But l was promised a slot.
- Single file, Jerry.

Fire drill. You believe that?

- Who is Pericles?
- Pericles is correct.

Like fire in a school
is such a big deal.

- You got any matches?
- Middle drawer.

Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

We were looking for
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.


- Hello. Oh, hi, Katie.
- Jerry.

I heard what happened at the school.
They can't bump you.

- That is so unprofessional.
- Oh, relax, Katie. lt's not a problem.

- What is Borax?
- Yes, you are right.

They bump you in junior high...

next, you're being bumped in
high schools, colleges, trade schools.

Before you know it,
Letterman won't return your calls.

- You got an ashtray?
- I don't have any ashtrays.

Cereal bowls.

Jerry, don't freak out.
I'll take care of you.

- Katie, don't...
- All right. Thanks.

What is tungsten or wolfram?

Is this a repeat?

No, no, no. Just lately
l've been thinking a lot clearer.

Like this afternoon...
What is chicken Kiev?

I really enjoyed watching
a documentary with Louise.

Louise. That's what's doing it.

You're no longer preoccupied with sex,
so your mind is able to focus.

- You think?
- Yeah. Let's say this is your brain.

Now, from what l know about you...

your brain consists of two parts.

The intellect, represented here...

and the part obsessed with sex.

Now, granted...

you have extracted an astonishing
amount from this little scrap.

But with no-sex Louise,
this previously useless lump...

is now functioning
for the first time in its existence.

Oh, my God.

I just remembered where l left
my retainer in second grade.

I'll see you later.

- Hey, l need some more matches.
- What is going on in there?

I met some people smoking
on the street...

so l invited them
up to my apartment to smoke.

- Why?
- Somebody had to.

Just because a person's a smoker
doesn't mean he's not a human being.

It doesn't?

These people aren't gonna
let themselves be flicked...

into the ashbin of society.

- Why not?
- Well, you can confine them.

You can punish them.
You can cram them into the corner...

but they're not going away, Jerry.

- All right.
- Yeah.

When they hand out
those cadavers...

do you choose if it's a man
or woman?

I don't know.
Dead bodies really gross me out.

- Oh, my God.
- What's wrong?

Oh, it's Sue Ellen Mischke,
this old braless friend l hate.

- Elaine? Hi.
- Oh, hi, Sue Ellen, hi.

Oh, Rick, this is an old,
old friend of mine. Elaine Benes.

Rick is a periodontist.
He does Giuliani's gums.

Well, this is my boyfriend,
Dr. Ben Galvant.

- Oh, well, l'm an intern.
- Hey, stop kidding, Ben.

He's a doctor.
He's a very good doctor.

Carlito's just passed out.
Can anyone help?

- Oh, there's a doctor right here.
- No, there's not.

Can't you at least tell them
what to do?

- Like what?
- Shouldn't he elevate his legs?

Right. Elevate your legs.

I hope Carlito feels better.

- Ben really wishes he could've helped.
- I thought he was a doctor.

Oh, he is.

You know, kind of.

I mean, l call him doctor.


Of course, absolute zero.

- What? What is with all these books?
- I stopped having sex.

All right. l'll see you, Phil.
I've got room for two...

but the only thing l have
is in the non-filter section.

Hey, hey, how you doing?

What, you got
a smokers' lounge in there?

Oh, yeah, people really seem
to be enjoying themselves.

You know, they come in once,
it's like they're addicted.

Jerry. Oh, there you are.
You didn't answer your phone.

I was out.

Jerry, great news.

- I got you an assembly.
- An assembly?

Two hours in front of the entire
junior high, grades six through eight.

- That's sixth grade, seventh grade...
- I understand.

But what am l gonna talk about
for two hours?

And it is already in the school paper.
They cancelled Rick James.

- "Super Freak"?
- Yes.

What is your answer to number 74?

- Metabolic acidosis.
- No.


Not metabolic acidosis.

Oh, man,
l'm never gonna pass this thing.

Oh, yes, you are.
We'll just stop having sex.

You guys. Hitting is not about muscle.
It's simple physics.

Calculate the velocity, V,
in relation to the trajectory, T...

in which, G, gravity, of course,
remains a constant.

- It's not complicated.
- Now, who are you again?

George Costanza,
assistant to the travelling secretary.

Are you the guy who put us
in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

You wanna talk about hotels,
or you wanna win some ball games?

Hey, we won the World Series.

In six games.

So if you like to tell jokes,
and you love to make people laugh...

stand-up comedy may be
the career for you.

Thank you.

Nine minutes.

How am l gonna fill two hours?

Hello? l could take an hour
off your hands.

Let the kids see a real, live Yankee.

And give you the chance to see
some real disappointed kids.

Yes, l take your order, please?

Excuse me, darling, do l...?
Do l detect a Portuguese accent?

No, don't mention it.

- Portuguese?
- Yeah, my cleaning lady is Portuguese.

I must have picked it up.

How come he's getting so smart?

I stopped having sex with Ben
three days ago...

and l don't know no Portuguese.

- Are you all right?
- I don't know. l just...

The last couple of days my mind
has been kind of, you know...

not good.

Wait a second.
I know what's happening.

The no-sex thing is having
the reverse affect on you.

What? What are you talking about?

To a woman,
sex is like the garbage man.

You take for granted that when
you put some trash on the street...

a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna
come along and pick it up.

But now, no sex,
it's like a garbage strike.

The bags are piling up in your head.
The sidewalk is blocked.

Nothing's getting through.
You're stupid.

- I don't understand.
- Exactly.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

Hey, you should come over.
Tonight's pipe night.

- What happened to your face?
- What?

It looks like an old catcher's mitt.


Look at that.
My face is all craggily. lt's crinkly.

It's from all that smoke.

You've experienced a lifetime
of smoking in 72 hours.

What did you expect?

Emphysema, birth defects, cancer,
but not this.

Jerry, you know,
my face is my livelihood.

Everything l have l owe to this face.

It's my allure, my twinkle, you know.

You know, and your teeth,
your teeth are all brown.

Look away, l'm... l'm hideous.

Hey, Ben, l need a four-letter word.

"Winnie-the-" blank.

- Pooh.
- Poo.

No, it's Winnie-the-Pooh.

So the hospital called.

Turns out some stupid intern
screwed up my test.

I never had mono.

So now we can, you know.

So, what did you do?

I told her
l would have to think about it.

But ultimately you're gonna choose
in favour of sex, right?

I don't know. Perhaps l can
better serve the world this way.

You mean, not subjecting women
to your sexual advances?

A simple joke from a simple man.

So you're never gonna
have sex again?

Well, Jerry...

there was a pretty good chance l was
never gonna have sex again anyway.

You ready for the assembly
and what you'll say about the Yankees?

Sports are so pedestrian.
I prepared some science experiments...

that will illuminate the mind
and dazzle the eye.

I wrote a 20-minute bit about
how homework stinks.

Oh, my vacation was restful,
resplendent, magnificent.

In fact, next time l'm planning on
going to Corfu.

Oh, no.

- We gotta talk.
- No way, Kramer.

You brought me only misfortune
and humiliation. Now, get out.

- But, Jackie.
- I said, out.

Jackie, l think l got a case
against the tobacco companies.

- The who?
- The tobacco companies.

I've been wanting a piece of them
for years.

Did that cigarette label mention
any damage to your appearance?

- No, no, it didn't say anything.
- So you were a victim...

and now your face is
sallow, unattractive, disgusting.

- So, Jackie, you think we got a case?
- Your face is my case.

- Hey.
- Hey, how are you doing?

Not good. l'm a moron.

Don't worry about it.

Once he passes the test,
you'll have sex and you'll be fine.

Well, that kind of brings us
to why l'm here.

You got 11 minutes?

What for?

Oh, come on.

I just wanna clear my head.
It has nothing to do with you.

I think it has something to do
with me.

You could read the paper
through the whole thing, if you want.

No, no, no. l'm sorry.
This is too weird.

All right.

Is Kramer home?

You know, Louise,
l think you'll find this amusing.

- In early Euclidean geometry they...
- George, l have to have sex.

I used to share
that very same outlook...

but now l have so many things
to occupy my mind.

- For instance, the atom.
- Goodbye, George.

I hate you.

Fascinating turn of events.

Ms. Wilkie, your tobacco company
has turned this beautiful specimen...

into a horrible, twisted freak.

Who could love me?

I disagree. ln fact, l feel Mr. Kramer
projects a rugged masculinity.

Rugged? The man's a goblin.

He's only been exposed to smoke
for four days.

By the time this case gets to trial, he'll
be nothing more than a shrunken head.

All right, Mr. Chiles,
you'll have our offer by tomorrow.

- Good day, gentlemen.
- Yeah, bye-bye.

Jackie. Jackie, you did it.
We're rich.

You better believe it. Jackie's cashing
in on your wretched disfigurement.

Congratulations! You passed.

Elaine, Elaine, l don't think
we should see each other anymore.

You're breaking me up with me?

But l sacrificed and supported you
while you struggled.

What about my dream
of dating a doctor?

I'm sorry, Elaine. l always knew
that after l became a doctor...

l would dump whoever l was with
and find someone better.

That's the dream
of becoming a doctor.

Are we gonna have sex or not?

Jerry, when the glee club's finished
singing, George goes on, then you.

- Hey.
- Where have you been? You're on next.

I got lost on the way over.

Got lost? We went to school here
for three years.

What are these?
Take me to your leader.

Oh, my God, you had sex.

- You had sex with Louise.
- No, the Portuguese waitress.

The Portuguese waitress?

I calculated my odds
of ever getting together...

with a Portuguese waitress.
Mathematically, l had to do it, Jerry.

George, George, you're on.

- Oh, l'm not going on.
- What did you come down here for?

To tell you
about the Portuguese waitress.

It's good to have you back.

- One of you has to go on.
- All right. l'll do it.

Hey, kids,
what's the deal with homework?

You're not working on your home.

That was a great lunch, Jackie.

It's puzzling we haven't
gotten that offer yet.

Well, Mrs. Wilkie
from the tobacco company called me.

And we had a little powwow.

A powwow?
Who told you to have a powwow?

I didn't tell you to have a powwow.

- She made an offer. l took it.
- How much?

- No, no, no. There was no money.
- No money? Then, what did we get?

Check it out.

This is the most public yet
of my many humiliations.

Cancelled? But l was supposed to
be on tomorrow night.

Yeah, but then,
some people were telling me about...

that little flap out there
at the junior high school assembly.

And before that,
you were bumped by a lizard?

It was a...
Actually, it was a monitor lizard.

Those things, deadly, dangerous.

A long time ago, my uncle and a date
are driving, like, through Mexico.

They see one on the road.

Drags him out of the car
and chews his face off.

Listen. We'll call you if anything
opens up. Okay, Jimmy?

- Jerry.
- Right. Jerry.