Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 7 - The Checks - full transcript

Hey, have ou seen these commercials for
indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC.

Tagamet HB?

Whole country's sick
to their stomachs.

You know you're supposed to take
these things before you get sick?

- What is this, a bit?
- No.

- Because I'm not in the mood.
- We're just talking.

Is this not the greatest
marketing ploy ever?

If you feel good,
you're supposed to take one.

I know that tone. This is a bit.

They've opened
a whole new market.

Medication for the well.



All right. Are you done
with your little amusement?

Then you admit it was amusing?

It was okay. But move the
"medication for the well" to the front...

and hit the word "good" harder.

Great. Thanks.

So your firm designed
all the furniture in here?

Well, we manufacture it.

The original designs
are by Karl Farbman.

Oh, Farbman.

- Do you know Farbman?
- Love Farbman.

Most people go their whole lives
without sitting in a Farbman.

Well, if you call that living.

Wouldn't it be great if
Farbman designed shoes?

Brett? Don't you think
that would be great? Brett?



After the song, babe.

This song.

So when do I meet this jerk?

He's not a jerk, Jer.
He only works with Karl Farbman.

- Who?
- I don't know. Some designer.

Anyway, Brett
is so generous and sensitive.

Last night he was moved
just listening to a song.

- What song?
- "Desperado."

"Desperado"?
And you're still dating him?

I'll tell you who sounds
a little desperado.

See that salesman
twirling that umbrella?

I invented that.

That had to be invented?

When I started out as a comedian,
I sold umbrellas.

It was my idea to twirl it
to attract customers.

Oh, really? Well, why don't
we ask him about it?

- Elaine.
- Excuse me.

Hey, how you doing?

My friend here says that he invented
that little twirl you're doing.

Elaine, please,
it was a long time ago.

The man doesn't want
a history lesson.

Teddy Padilac
came up with this twirl.

I know Teddy Padilac.

I worked with him on 48th and Sixth.

That's where he come up with it.

- In his dreams.
- All right. Can we go?

By the way, you're doing it too fast.
You'll disorient the customers.

It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.

I find it disorienting.

Who buys an umbrella anyway?

You can get them for free
in the coffee shop in the metal cans.

Those belong to people.

Hey. Well, this was
downstairs for you.

Oh, no, not more checks.

They're coming in faster
than I can sign them.

- What checks?
- Oh, you didn't hear?

Jerry's a big star in Japan.

Don't know why.
There's a one-second clip of me...

in the credits of some
Japanese comedy show.

Yeah, The Super Terrific
Happy Hour.

They run it all the time. I'm starting
to get these royalty checks.

Look at all of those. You're rich.

No, each one is for like 12 cents.

It's barely worth the pain
in my hand to sign them.

Jerry, you need any new furniture?

- Why?
- Elaine's new boyfriend, you know...

he's giving me
this oversized chest of drawers.

- It's a Farbman.
- He's giving you furniture?

- Who is this guy?
- Who are any of her losers?

You're on that list.

I gotta go home and open up
the house for the carpet cleaners.

You know, they're doing
my whole place for $25?

Oh, no, no, no.
Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?

- Yeah. You heard of them?
- They're a crazy religious cult.

The carpet cleaning is just a means
for them to get into your apartment.

So? For a $25 cleaning, I can listen
to some pointless blather.

I do it. I'm not even
getting the cleaning.

I signed over 100 checks
this morning.

- Hello, $12.
- Excuse me.

Would you take a picture, please.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

I'm gonna ask this guy something.

Hey, nice twirl you got there.

You know who invented that,
don't you?

- Hey, are you folks from Japan?
- Yes.

You recognize that mug?

That's the funny face
that greets you...

at the beginning of
The Super Terrific Happy Hour.

- Oh, Super Terrific!
- Yeah.

Yeah, huh? Yeah, that's him.

What is he doing?

Well, I don't know,
but something super-terrific, I'm sure.

- That's funny.
- Oh, yeah, very funny.

And it wouldn't be impolite
to laugh at his antics.

Yeah, that's it. Because everybody
laughs at Jerry here in America.

We're pretty much finished.

There's just one more thing.

Here it comes.

You forgot to sign your check.

Sorry.

You sure there isn't anything else?

No.

So that's it?

- Unless you need a receipt.
- I wish that was all I needed.

Life can be so confusing.

I'm searching
for answers anywhere.

Good luck with that.

Hey.

What's with the claw?

Super-terrific
carpal tunnel syndrome.

- There's no sign of Kramer.
- Oh, Brett.

- This is Jerry.
- Hi.

That's very funny. Elaine told me
you're some kind of comedian.

I'm one kind.

Have you seen the chest of drawers
Brett gave to Kramer?

- Fleckman.
- Farbman.

Right.

- You gotta see them. They're beautiful.
- I'm sure they are.

I'd be happy to get you some,
if that's what you're driving at.

- No, I'm fine. Thank you.
- Don't worry. It's no charge to you.

Looks like what you really need is
a decent desk for writing your skits.

I don't write skits.

Of course you don't.
You don't have a proper workstation.

I'll fax over my catalog.

Brett, Jerry doesn't have
a fax machine.

I'm sure things will pick up
for you soon.

Elaine, maybe we should get going.

- Wanna join us?
- Where you going, the coffee shop?

The coffee shop? I think we can
do a little better than that.

You look like you could use
a solid meal at a real restaurant.

- You look like you could use a...
- Jerry.

Three hundred dollars.

Hey, Mr. Oh, how much
would these run you in Tokyo?

Those are 30,000 yen.

Thirty thousand?

Well, these are practically free.

Giddyup. You're a cowboy now.

I feel terrible about
your friend Jerry.

He's upset that I gave Kramer
that chest of drawers.

Why do you think he's upset?

Well, how could he not be? Living in
that cramped little apartment...

that outdated furniture,
so terribly un-Karl-Farbman-like.

We're not gonna talk about
Karl Farbman all night, are we?

I hope not.

Brett, is everything all right?

What is it?
Is there someone outside?

Elaine, the song.

For a minute, I thought
it was that urban legend...

about the guy with the hook
hanging on the...

Elaine, could you just not talk
for one minute?

Sorry.

- No spiel?
- Not a peep.

They just cleaned the carpets
and left.

They call themselves a cult.

So you're angry
that this bizarre carpet cabal...

made no attempt to abduct you?

They could have at least tried.

Maybe they thought you looked
too smart to be brainwashed.

- Please.
- Too dumb?

Well, Mackie's back in town.
Nice duds.

Yeah, it's a gift
from my Japanese friends.

They're known as gift-givers.

And tonight, we're going dancing
at the Rainbow Room.

Sounds like you're throwing
their money around.

Well, Jerry, they're Japanese.

I mean, that TV you watch,
that sushi you eat...

even that kimono you wear...

where do you think
all that money goes?

That's right.

How'd you hook up with
these guys?

They recognized Jerry from
The Super Terrific Happy Hour.

See, you should be doing
your own show in Japan.

Now, they get you.

What kind of show am I gonna do
in Japan?

What did you do with
that pilot you did?

Yeah, the pilot.

Right. That had
marvelous production values.

I do a lot of business with
Japanese TV.

They broadcast
a lot of American baseball.

They got an office here
in New York.

Forget it. The pilot was awful.
It failed.

It failed here. Because here
every time you turn on a TV...

all you see is four morons
sitting around an apartment...

whining about their dates.

See, George is right, Jerry.
See, here you're just another apple.

But in Japan, you're an exotic fruit,
like an orange, which is rare there.

You had a date?

You went out with my butler? Who
said you could go out with my butler?

- Why do I need your permission?
- Because he's my butler.

So, what do you think?

We're a bit confused.

Why was this man Jerry's butler?

You see, the man
who is the butler...

had gotten into
a car accident with Jerry.

And because he didn't have
any insurance...

the judge decreed that
the man become Jerry's butler.

Is this customary in
your legal system?

No. That's what makes it
such a humorous situation.

I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr. Seinfeld is
very funny to Americans.

But I'm not sure this butler show
would work in Japan.

Oh, l... I disagree.

You've... You've been living
in America too long.

You've forgotten what it's like
to have no oranges.

Sorry. My hand is numb.

Yes, from endorsing checks for
The Super Terrific Happy Hour.

You must go.

Well, I think
I'm on the outs with Brett.

I got shushed during "Desperado."

What does he listen to,
the all "Desperado" station?

He is just in his own world
when he hears that song.

It's like I'm sitting there in the car,
and he's out riding fences.

You know, what you need is
a song you can share.

Yeah, you're right.
We need to find our song.

Okay. So is there any song
that you feel very strongly about?

I like "Witchy Woman."

- "Witchy Woman"?
- You know, "Witchy Woman."

Oh, "Witchy Woman."

- Hey, Elaine.
- Hey.

Hey, how was the Rainbow Room?

Well, we... We had to leave early.

There was a slight monetary
discrepancy regarding the bill.

- Listen, could I borrow some pillows?
- What for?

Well, my Japanese friends
are gonna stay with me.

I thought they all had suites
at the Plaza.

Well, I'm sorry, Jerry.

We all don't have checks rolling in
like you do.

Well, what about all that money
from the kimonos I wear?

Well, they ran out of it.

I mean, Manhattan can be quite
pricey, even with 50,000 yen.

Fifty thousand yen?
Isn't that only a few hundred dollars?

Evidently.

Oh, by the way, tell Brett that
his chest of drawers are a big hit.

My guests are
very comfortable in them.

In them?

You have them sleeping
in drawers?

Jerry, have you ever seen
the business hotels in Tokyo?

They sleep in tiny,
stacked cubicles all the time.

- They feel right at home.
- This has international incident...

- written all over it.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Good night, Mr. Tanaka.
- Good night.

- Good night, Mr. Oh.
- Good night.

Good night, Mr. Yamaguchi.

- What is this?
- Rice Krispies.

East meets West, Jerry.

It's a lovely little bureau-and-breakfast
you're running.

Well, I'm off to the bank.

Elaine, l...

What do you think?

What are you doing?

That's "Witchy Woman."
I thought it could be our song.

"Witchy Woman" is okay for you,
but I've already got a song.

Oh, well, then how about
"Desperado"?

We can share it.

No. It's mine.

Here you go.
Snap, crackle and pop.

Good morning, Mr. Oh.
I gotta make up the drawer.

Come back in half-hour.

- Hey, I'll take one.
- Well, look who's back.

Teddy, this is the guy says
he invented the twirl.

Jerry Seinfeld.

Teddy Padilac, long time, no see.

What do you got
in a push-button mini?

Same thing we had when
you bailed on us 15 years ago.

Bailed? Come on, you knew
I wanted to be a comedian.

Besides, we had some good times.
Remember Tropical Storm Renee?

Oh, yeah, sure. But where were you
during the poncho craze of '84?

I almost lost my house.

Umbrella, buddy?

Now we got that damn
urban sombrero to contend with.

Easy, Clicky.

I hear you're taking credit
for the twirl.

Oh, it's so many years ago.
Who cares?

I care. Clicky cares.

- Look, could I just buy an umbrella?
- Yeah, sure.

- Two hundred dollars.
- What?

Special price for a real
foul-weather friend.

Hey, George. All right,
how about that tour, huh?

These guys are ready to
run the bases.

Kramer, it's... It's raining.
They got the tarp on the field.

Listen, George, what else
can I do with these guys?

Bear in mind,
they're a little light on the yen.

Well, l... I got the pilot
of the Jerry show.

That's perfect.
How would you guys like to watch...

the Super Terrific Happy star,
Jerry Seinfeld?

But we are also very hungry.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, you guys
just watch the tape...

and I'll get you some food.

- Go ahead. Yeah.
- Please.

Hey, peanuts!

George. George, got a minute?

George, did you call some
carpet cleaners?

- Are they here?
- They're in my office right now.

- They haven't said anything to you?
- About what?

What kind of a snobby,
stuck-up cult is this?

- Hey, Jerry.
- Oh, hi, Brett.

Haven't you ever
heard of an umbrella?

I didn't have enough money.

- Sure things will pick up for you.
- No, it's not that. It's....

Oh, no. Look at the checks.
Hours of hard work ruined.

Don't worry.
I can spot you the 12 cents.

No. It's not the money.

It's my hand.
It's crippled from writing and writing.

Nothing's working for you, is it?

Not at the moment, Brett.

I'd give you a ride,
but I got Karl Farbman here.

Thanks for stopping.

Brett said you ran away from him
as if he were the boogity man?

Boogeyman.

- Boogie?
- I'm quite sure.

Anyway, any luck
getting together on a song?

No. He blew out my
"Witchy Woman."

And he won't share "Desperado."

Hey, what do you think of
"Oye Como Va"?

Well, I'm running out of guys
here in this city, Jer.

Hey, great news.

I showed the pilot to Kramer's
Japanese friends. They loved it!

Really? They bought
the butler character?

Did I tell you that story's relatable?
That was a great show.

That is why I'm bringing it
back to NBC.

- NBC?
- Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.

But they told us we must go now.

Yeah, but now I have
my own market research.

Actual Japanese viewers
that loved the show.

- I'm gonna talk to Kramer.
- Hey, George, do me a favor.

If they make you an offer,
whatever it is, just take it.

Hey, by the way
what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?

- Who?
- The network executive.

Do you think she liked me?

Hey, look at who's here!

George, come on in. Come on.

- I want you to come in here.
- Come on in, fat boy!

Get a good night's sleep,
all right, fellas? Big day tomorrow.

All right.

Last one.

Here you are.

- Where's the boys?
- No, I let them sleep in.

I'm on my way to cash in
their plane tickets for them.

They need a little food money.

- The meeting starts in 10 minutes.
- Well, I set their alarm.

But they did have a lot of sake
in that hot tub.

I'm calling Jerry.

- Yeah?
- Jerry!

The Japanese guys had sake
in the hot tub.

You gotta get them down here...

or I don't have a focus group
to sell the pilot.

Uncle Leo?

Jerry!

All right, all right. I'll wake them up.

Testy.

Hello?

- Mr. Jerry, open the drawer, please.
- It's stuck.

The steam from the hot tub
must have warped the wood.

- Pull harder.
- I'm trying.

I can't get a grip.
My hand's had kind of a bad week.

Very funny. But no joking, please.

Don't worry, I'll get you out.

Brett, believe me,
you don't have to do this.

Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this.

It's not as nice
as Kramer's cabinets, but it's a start.

Well, I promise you, Jerry is not
jealous of Kramer's cabinets.

Move to the back of the drawers!

Jerry?

Jerry.

Not the Farbman!

So, gentlemen, we have a deal?

Excuse me. Did you hire
the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?

Yes. To clean up the coffee stain
left by Jerry Seinfeld.

Mr.... Mr. Wilhelm, what...?
What are you doing here?

I'm here to clean the carpets.

Most of the world is carpeted,
and one day, we will do the cleaning.

Him, you brainwashed?

What's he got that I don't have?

Mr. Wilhelm, you've been abducted.

Mr. Wilhelm,
you gotta listen to me.

Wilhelm?

My name is Tanya.

Brett, I'm... I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to hit you
in the head with an axe.

At least it was just a handle.

Those beautiful cabinets.

What am I gonna tell...?

- I can't remember his name.
- Fleckman?

Calm down, Brett. Okay?

You could have a concussion.
Calm down.

- His pulse is fine.
- Looks like a minor concussion.

Let me see what I can do
to relieve the swelling.

Doctor?

Doctor?

Doctor?

Doctor, I think we're losing him.