Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 6 - The Fatigues - full transcript

Kramer volunteers to set up a Jewish singles mixer. He has a hard time finding a cook for the event until he learns that Frank was a cook in the Korean War. But Frank refuses to cook for the event because he experienced a severe case of shell shock. Meanwhile, Elaine tries to get rid of an unruly employee in Peterman's mailing room but winds up promoting the guy instead. Jerry dates a woman with a mentor, but he gets weirded out when he finds out that the mentor is dating hack comic Kenny Bania. Jerry, inspired by this, decides to take Bania under his wing and mentor Bania to the top. George has to give a report on the subject of risk management for the Yankees.

I started out working in mortgage
bonds, but I just found that so limiting.

My friend Kramer and I were
discussing that the other day.

He was with Brandt-Leland
for a while.

Well, then my mentor suggested
that I move into equities.

Best move I ever made.

- Mentor? You mean your boss?
- Oh, no, no, no.

Cynthia's a successful

who's taken me under her wing.

- So Cynthia's your mentor?
- And I'm her prot?g?.

You must have someone like that.

You know, who guides you
in your career path.

Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.

I still don't understand this.
Abby has a mentor?

Yes. And the mentor
advises the prot?g?.

Is there any money involved?

- No.
- So, what's in it for the mentor?

Respect, admiration, prestige.

Would the prot?g?
pick up stuff for the mentor?

I suppose if it was on the prot?g?'s
way to the mentor, they might.

Laundry? Dry cleaning?

It's not a valet, it's a prot?g?.

All right.

Listen, I gotta get some reading done.
You mind if I do this here?

I can't concentrate in my apartment.

- "Risk management"?
- Yeah.

Steinbrenner wants everyone
in the front office...

to give a lecture
in their area of business expertise.

What makes them think
you're a risk-management expert?

I guess it's on my r?sum?.

- Hello?
- Please hold for Elaine Benes.

You know what? I can't do this.
I can't read books anymore.

Books on tape
have ruined me, Jerry.

I need that nice voice. This book
has my voice. I hate my voice.

- So get this book on tape.
- You can't. It's a textbook.

Hey, Jer, are you going
to this Bob Sacamano party?

Am I going? It was three nights ago.

What? You're kidding.
I just got this invitation today.

Oh, I was so excited.
It's really a beautiful invitation.

Oh, it was a lovely affair.

Oh, wait a minute.

This postmark is three weeks old.
Man, this happens all the time.

Janine, who the hell
runs the mailroom?

- Eddie Sherman.
- All right. Send him up here.

- You gonna do a little yelling?
- I'm gonna do a little firing.

That is so cool.
Can you put me on the speaker?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Give me a break.

Hey, Copernicus.

- Eddie Sherman is here.
- Oh, great. Send him in.

- You wanted to see me?
- Eddie, yes.

I am so sorry, but I'm afraid
we're gonna have to...

promote you.

So, what did you say?

Well, I called him
all the way up to my office...

so I had to tell him
something important.

So I promoted him.

- What? What did you...?
- Copywriter.

He's writing copy?

Well, it can't be any worse than the
pointless drivel we normally churn out.

Check it out.

- "Jewish singles night"?
- I expect you both to be there.

- I'm not Jewish.
- Well, neither am l.

- Well, why are you going?
- I'm not. I'm running it.

- What are you talking about?
- Lomez, he usually runs it...

but he's in the Everglades.

- Lomez is Jewish?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.

At the Knights of Columbus?

Yeah. Frank Costanza,
he's getting me a room in his lodge.

Jerry, you know, I'm really
counting on you to come to this.

- Kramer, you know...
- Jerry, look.

I'm cooking all the food myself.

"A tempting schmeer
of authentic Jewish delicacies."

Do you like tsimmes?

My mentor says
the duck is outstanding here.

I'm not really a duck fan.
The skin seems sort of human.

Oh, look who's here. Cynthia.

- Hello, Abby.
- Hello.

Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman,
my mentor.

- Hello.
- Hi, Jerry. Nice to finally meet you.

Come join us.
We can pull up a chair.

Well, great.
My boyfriend's just parking the car.

Actually, Jerry, you might know him.
He's a comic too.

- No kidding.
- Kenny Bania.


Hey, Jerry. How's it going?

You gonna join us for dinner?
The duck here is the best.

The best, Jerry.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry to bother you.

I noticed that you have
a textbook on tape.

May I ask where you got that?

Reading for the Blind.
They can get any book on tape.

I tell you, I am hooked
on these books on tape.

Tell me about it. These things
have ruined me for Braille.

Reading for the Blind?

I take an eye test, I flunk it.
The next thing you know...

I am swinging to the sweet sounds
of risk management.

- So I finally met the mentor.
- What's she like? Impressive?

Oh, yeah. She's dating Bania.

- Bania?
- Yeah.

I had to spend two hours at dinner
last night with that specimen.

- What'd you have?
- Chicken.

How could she look up
to a person...

who voluntarily
spends time with Bania?

- Marsala?
- Piccata.

If anything,
I should be dating a mentor...

and Bania should be
setting pins at a bowling alley.

- All right. I got a test to fail.
- Hey, good luck with that.

Thanks. Dad.

What are you,
in an athletic sweat suit?

What are you doing here?

He came to get his check
for the banquet hall.

You know, I got 183 responses.
Oh, it's gonna be a rager.

Kramer, how are you gonna cook
Jewish delicacies for 183 people?

You're right. That's a lot of pupiks.

Hey, Frank, you know anybody
who can help me cook?

Cook? No. I don't know any cooks.

I don't know anything
about cooking!

What's the matter with him?

My dad was a cook
during the Korean War.

Something very bad happened.

Ever since,
you can't get him near a kitchen.

- Shell-shocked?
- Oh, yeah.

But that has nothing to do with it.

That's good work, guys.
That ought to do it for today.

- Alrighty?
- Wait.

You didn't ask me about my ideas.

Oh, Eddie, well, it's your first day.

- I'm ready.
- Okay.

"It's a hot night. The mind races.

You think about your knife...

the only friend
who hasn't betrayed you.

The only friend
who won't be dead by sun-up.

Sleep tight, mates,
in your quilted chambray nightshirts."

What am I gonna do?
He is a disaster.

Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe
he's in line for another promotion.

You know what?
You are exactly right.

That is what I should do.
I should promote him.

I'll give him another office
on another floor, and he can sit there...

with his nice title
and his bayonet...

and stop freaking me out.

Nothing at all.

Well, George,
your vision is quite impaired.

If you'll just sign this
insurance form. Here's a pen.

You're a very handsome man,
by the way.

What the hell is going on here?

Look out!

- What are you doing?
- I got three kitchens going.

I got brisket going at Newman's,
I got kugel working at Mrs. Zanfino's...

and this is kreplach.

Here, try some of this.

- No, I don't want to.
- Eat, eat, you're skin and bones.

- Oh, this is awful.
- Oh, Jerry, it's kreplach.

It's an acquired taste. Yeah.

Did you follow the recipe?

The recipe was for four to six people.

I had to multiply it for 183 people.

I guess I got confused.

It tastes like dirt.

Well, I also dropped it
on the way over.

Jerry, I'm in trouble.
I got no skills.

I can't peel, I can't chop,
I can't grate, I can't mince.

I got no sense of flavor, obviously.

You know, I gotta talk to Frank.

- Kramer, you can't...
- I gotta talk to him.

I know that he can help me...

I think there's a dead animal
in the elevator.

My stuffed cabbage.

- So great dinner last night.
- Yeah, it was all right.

I told Cynthia we'd double
with her and Bania Saturday...

- and then catch his act.
- No. No.

- No way. No Bania.
- What?

Have you seen his act? He's got
a 12-minute bit about Ovaltine.

He's a pug, a patsy, a hack.

Cynthia would not date a hack.

Would. Does. Is.

Before we get started...

I am happy to tell you
that Eddie Sherman...

is no longer writing
for this catalog.

- It's about time.
- He's upstairs.

I made him director
of corporate development.

You promoted him?

Well, no. I would hardly...

- I bust my hump every day.
- Relax.

As far as I'm concerned,
you and your deranged prot?g?...

can run the catalog
by yourselves.

I quit!

- I'm with him.
- Me too.

What? Hey.

Hey. Hey!

Chapter one.

In order to manage risk,
we must first understand risk.

How do you spot risk?

How do you avoid risk,
and what makes it so risky?

- This guy sounds just like me.
- To understand risk, we must first...

- define risk. Risk has...
- This is horrible.

- Existed virtually...
- Stop it. Stop it. Shut up!

Come on, Frank, I need you.

I mean, the war was 50 years ago.

In my mind,
there's a war still going on.

All right, what happened, Frank?

What is it that you can't get over?

Inchon, Korea, 1950.

I was the best cook
Uncle Sam ever saw.

Slinging hash for the fighting 103rd.

As we marched north,
our supply lines were getting thin.

Well, one day,
a couple of Gl's found a crate.

Inside was 600 pounds
of prime Texas steer.

At least, it once was prime.

The use date
was three weeks past.

But I was arrogant. I was brash.

I thought if I used
just the right spices...

cooked it long enough....

What happened?

I went too far. I overseasoned it.

Men were keeling over
all around me.

I can still hear
the retching and screaming.


I sent 16 of my own men
to the latrines that night.

They were just boys.

Frank, you were a boy too.

And it was war.
That was a crazy time for everyone.

Tell that to Bobby Colby.

All that kid wanted to do was go home.
Well, he went home, all right.

With a crater in his colon
the size of a cutlet.

They had to sit him on a cork
for the 18-hour flight home.

Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred
Jewish singles need you.

This is your chance
to make it all right again.

No. No. I'll never cook again.

Never! Now get out of my house!

Out. Get out. Go.

So you saw Bania's act.

He got two minutes
into that Ovaltine thing...

and I just couldn't take it anymore.

I told you. It's like getting beaten
with a bag of oranges.

Why is he so obsessed
with Ovaltine?

He just thinks that anything
that dissolves in milk is funny.

Anyway, Cynthia and I got into
this big argument afterwards...

- and I think it's over.
- No more mentor?

- Looks that way.
- At least you and I are okay again.

Actually, I was kind of thinking...

that maybe we shouldn't
see each other for a while.


Well, I'm feeling a little disoriented.

It's just weird for me
not to have an advisor.

I can tell you what to do.

- It's more than that.
- I can tell you what to think.

I need someone I can trust.

I got a big problem here, Jerry.
The tapes are worthless.

Kind of in the middle
of something here, George.

- George.
- I gotta run anyway.

I can't believe you feel
you really need a mentor.

I just need someone who can give me
some kind of direction.

I'll see you.

Yeah, see you.

- So, what's your problem?
- No problem.

I think I got something here
for the Bengalese galoshes.

"It's tough keeping your feet dry...

when you're kicking in a skull."

You know, Eddie,
that might be just a tad harsh.

For women's wear.

Well, I'm not married to it.

Well, in that case,
why don't we take the phrase:

"Kicking in a skull"...

and we tweak it.

You know, just a hair,
to something like what?

Like "strolling through
a dewy meadow."

Dewy meadow.

Here's your omelet.

- It's dry.
- That's the way I always make it.

Well, it sucks.

What did you say?

Your meatloaf is mushy,
your salmon croquettes are oily...

and your eggplant parmigiana
is a disgrace to this house!

Well, that's too bad, because I'm
the only one who cooks around here.

Not anymore. Give me that spatula.

I'm back, baby!

You're sure, with your schedule,
you'd have time to take on a prot?g??

I'll make time. Because, Abby,
I was once like you.

Wide-eyed, naive.

I didn't know the first thing
about a subject as fundamental...

as risk management.

I'm not familiar with it.
You'll have to explain it.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you read this book...

and let's just see
if you can explain it to me.

- All right.
- Okay.

Hey, Jerry.

- Hey, Bania.
- Did you hear what happened?

The mentor saw my act.
She dumped me.

Oh, that's a tough one.

Maybe she's right.
Maybe I am a complete hack.

I'm the absolute worst.
The worst, Jerry.

Well, it's just that you got
so many things with the milk.

You got that Bosco bit,
then you got your Nestl?'s Quik bit.

By the time you get to Ovaltine...

You think you can give me
a hand with my material?

- You still need a cook?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in, Frank.

- You got T-Fal?
- Calphalon.

- No. Follow me.
- Oh, yeah.

Try that.

"Why do they call it Ovaltine?

The mug is round, the jar is round.

They should call it Roundtine."

That's gold, Jerry. Gold.

Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel"
and "scar tissue"...

with "string of pearls"
and "raspberry scones."

George Costanza is your mentor?

Yeah. He's great.

I am learning so much.

About what? How to calculate
5 percent of a restaurant check?

You know what your problem is?

You just have no respect
for the prot?g?-mentor relationship.

As a matter of fact,
I happen to have a prot?g? of my own.

- Who?
- A Mr. Kenneth Bania.


I'm gonna mentor
this kid to the top.

Well, I don't think I wanna date
a mentor whose prot?g? is a hack.

I don't think I wanna date a prot?g?
whose mentor is a Costanza.

I don't know how...

but there's some kind of
chemistry between us.

We turned out
one hell of a catalog.


Hey, Ed, let me ask you something.

What's with the fatigues
and all the psychotic imagery, huh?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Come on. Don't be a baby.

I went out on a couple of dates
with this woman.

I thought she really liked me.

And then things kind of cooled off.

That's it?

Well, it's tough
meeting somebody you like...

Iet alone somebody Jewish.

This food is fantastic.

- Have you tried the hamantaschen?
- I can't get off the kishkes.

- Hey, Jerry.
- Bania.

I just stopped by to thank you.

That risk-management stuff
you wrote for me is killer.

Risk management?

It's gold, Jerry. Gold.

I got all these corporate gigs,
and even Cynthia took me back.

So you went from the mailroom...

to director of corporate
development in two days?

- That's right.
- How much are they paying you?

I'll double it.

- These latkes are going like hotcakes.
- Where's the powdered sugar?

You know, you could take a break.

No breaks. I feel reborn.
I'm like a phoenix rising from Arizona.


I can't churn out
that pointless drivel anymore.

What...? You can't quit.
You're all I've got.

I need you.



No! Don't eat it. It's no good.

- No good. No good. No way.
- Frank, stop it.

- Stop...
- No. No. No.


Our next speaker is George Costanza
on the subject of risk management.


Have you ever had this stuff?

Why do they call it Ovaltine?

They should call it Roundtine.

You know what I'm talking about."

He's my prot?g?.