Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 5 - The Package - full transcript

A mysterious package arrives for Jerry. Elaine is curious about what the doctors are writing in her records. George tries to hit on the cute girl at the "One Hour Photo" place.

Boy, I really miss
the Bermuda Triangle.

I guess there's not much action
down there these days.

Oh, there's action.

There's plenty of action.

It's that damn alien autopsy
stealing all the headlines.

Yeah, tell me about it.

See, what they gotta do is lose
a plane or a Greenpeace boat.

See, that would get
the Triangle going again.

What keeps the water in there?
I mean, why doesn't that disappear?

Now, what would be the point
of taking the water?

It's gorgeous water.

Do we own Bermuda?

No, it belongs to the British.

Lucky Krauts.

What do you think
of that alien autopsy?

- Oh, that's real.
- I think so too.

The doctor will be
with you in a moment.


Elaine, you shouldn't
be reading that.

Now, tell me
about this rash of yours.

Well, it's... It's....

You know, I notice
that someone wrote in my chart...

that I was difficult
in January of '92.

And I have to tell you,
I remember that appointment exactly.

You see, this nurse
had asked me to put a gown on...

but it was a mole on my shoulder...

and actually I had specifically
worn a tank top...

so that I wouldn't
have to put a gown on.

You know, they're made of paper.

Well, that was a long time ago.

How about if I just erase it?

Now, about that rash?

But it was in pen.

You fake erased.

All right, Miss Benes.
This doesn't look too serious.

You should be fine.

What are you writing?


- Here you go.
- Thanks.

I hope you got that
mustard stain out of your shirt.

Jerry, what's the matter
with your stereo?

I don't know.
What's the matter with your stereo?

I traded it to Lomez for some steaks.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Now, see, this is busted.
- No, it works.

- It's busted.
- Watch out. Let me show you.

All you gotta do is... You gotta
jiggle it with this screwdriver.


- What are you doing?
- I met this woman Sheila.

She works down at the one-hour
photo place.

She's got this incredible smile.
It's like she's got too many teeth.

Extra teeth. I love that look.

And check this out. I go to pick up
my pictures and she says:

"l hope you got that mustard stain
out of your shirt."

- What mustard stain?
- Don't you see?

She's looking at my pictures.

Why did you take a picture
of a mustard stain?

- It's got nothing to do with this.
- I see, she's looking.


You gotta get this thing fixed.

They've tried.
It keeps coming back the same.

- You interested in a refund?
- I can't get a refund.

- The warranty expired two years ago.
- Would you be interested?

- How you gonna...?
- Would you?

- I guess I would.
- Yeah, yeah.

You are not gonna believe...

what happened to me
at the doctor's office today.

Not the gown again?

No. No. I was looking at my chart,
and it said that I was difficult.

Why would they write that?

They've gotten to know you.

And then the doctor
writes more stuff down there...

and he doesn't
even look at my rash.

Find one that doesn't
know you're difficult.

Come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.

Why? Because you dress casual
and sleep with a lot of guys?

- Listen to me, you little sh...
- Smile.

Elaine, you really
didn't have to put on the gown.

It's my pleasure. I love these.

You know, in fact,
I've got one at home.

It's perfect when you
just wanna throw something on.

- Hi.
- Thank you.

All right.

Let me just review your history
before we begin.

Oh, where did you get my chart?

From your last doctor.
It's standard procedure.

You know, I can tell you my
whole history. Let's just...

Okay. Let's take a look.

Well, that doesn't look too serious.
You'll be fine.

Please, please. It...
But it's really, really itchy.

Oh, no.

- Seinfeld?
- Yeah.

Got a package for you. Sign here.

- Oh, who's it from?
- No return address.

What if I don't want it?

Are you refusing delivery?

- Maybe I am.
- Why would you do that?

- Never done it before.
- Why start now?

Why not?

All right.

Why'd you refuse that?
Everybody loves a package.

I don't know. It was weird.

Crazy printing.
I don't know who from.

What do you think? It's a bomb?

It's not totally impossible.

The ego on you.

- Why can't I be bomb-able?
- Who's gonna bomb you?

An airline for all the stupid
little peanut jokes?

Oh, I suppose you think
you're bomb-able?

Couple people wouldn't mind
having me out of the way.

There's more than a couple.

Check these out.
I just picked them up from Sheila.

She must have loved these.

- You don't have a Mercedes.
- I know. Just leaned on it...

so it'd look like it was mine.

The driver seems a little put out.

No, he was fine with it.

Check this out.

Is that Burt Reynolds?

Wax Museum.

- What is this?
- That is a lot of skin.

This must be Sheila
from the photo place.

- You can barely see her face.
- She must have slipped it in here.

- Photo-store Sheila.
- Well, hello, photo-store Sheila.

All right. I will see you boys later.

- Where are you going?
- To ask her out.

- No, no. You're not playing the game.
- What game?

She goes to these lengths
to entice you...

and your only response is,
"Gee, I really like your picture.

Would you like to go out
on a date with me, please?"

- No good?
- It's the timeless art of seduction.

You gotta join in the dance.
She sends you an enticing photo...

- you send her one right back.
- Oh, I don't know.

Well, as you know, I've always
been something of a photog.

Oh, yeah, I like this idea.

Hey, Danny.

- Hello. How are you?
- Hey, Leo.

Hey, what's with your nephew?
He wouldn't accept the package.

Oh, he wants it.
He's just trying to be funny.

Yeah, I'll sign for it.

And then he started
writing on my chart.

Just get ahold of it
and change what you don't like.

You can't change your chart.
It's your chart.

I'm in my personnel file
at work all the time.

- You are?
- I've kept the same job over two years.

It's not luck.

Elaine, have you ever sent a racy
photograph of yourself to anyone?

Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know.

You remember my Christmas card?

Oh, right.

The nipple.

But aside from that,
how did you feel about Kramer's work?

Actually, I thought
he was very professional.

- It was a good experience?
- Oh, yeah.

I liked the picture so much
I cropped out the nipple...

and I'm using it
for my health-club lD.

- Nice.
- Yeah, it is nice actually.

Please, I've gotta see
Dr. Berg right away.

- This rash is spreading.
- He can't see you. He's busy.

Oh, come on.
Have some compassion.

Well, I hope it's contagious then.

Come on. Move.

Oh, hi, Dr. Berg.

- I didn't know if...
- The chart, Miss Benes.

Oh, please, no more.

- Hey.
- Where's Kramer?

He went to get
some steak sauce. Why?

Personal matter.

- Hello.
- Jerry, it's your Uncle Leo. Hello.

Hello, Leo. You don't have to yell.

I got your package.

- How did you get my package?
- Leo's got your package?

- What should I do with it?
- I don't know what you should do.

Tell him to open it.

I'm not gonna treat my uncle
like a bomb-defusing robot.

Jerry, your cousin Jeffrey...

is in a Parks Department
production of The Mikado.

I want you to come see it with me.

- Open the package, Leo.
- Okay.


So it wasn't a bomb?

No. No bomb.

- Well, then, what?
- Oh, stupid Leo.

He was using those oven cleaners.
He left the canister in there.

The pilot light was on.
The whole thing blew up.

- But he's okay?
- Yeah.

But the explosion singed off
his eyebrows, mustache, everything.

He's all smooth now.
Looks like a seal.

Yes. Hi, yeah, I'm still holding.

Is this my stereo?

Oh, hey, you got it.

Hey, what happened to my stereo?
It's all smashed up.

That's right. Now it looks
like it was broken during shipping...

and I insured it for $400.

But you were supposed to
get me a refund.

You can't get a refund.
Your warranty expired two years ago.

So we're gonna make the post office
pay for my new stereo now?

- It's a write-off for them.
- How is it a write-off?

They just write it off.

Write it off what?

Jerry, all these big companies,
they write off everything.

You don't even know
what a write-off is.

- Do you?
- No, I don't.

But they do.

And they're the ones writing it off.

I wish I had the last 20 seconds
of my life back.

What? What? He doesn't have
one appointment this whole month?

Oh, come on. I'm dying here, man.

Hello? Hello?

Still no luck?

Jerry, that was Dr. Zimmerman.
I'm at the end of the alphabet.

There's no Zorn or Zutroff?

They're on vacation. Every doctor
in this city seems to know who I am.

Hey, what about Dr. Resnick?

My Uncle Leo's
gonna see him tomorrow.

Dr. Resnick. He's not listed.

He's not that good.

Elaine said you were
pretty good at this stuff.

Oh, yeah. Elaine was a fun project.
I enjoyed working with her.

- You don't have your own camera?
- No.

Oh, boy, look at this.

Yeah. Okay.

This looks good.

Very, very, good.

And I like what you're wearing.

- I feel fat.
- No, no. You're stout.

The camera loves stoutness.

Look, we're not gonna do anything
that makes you feel uncomfortable.

The key word is "tasteful."

Now, I want to you relax and have fun
because you're a fun guy.

All right. Let's do it, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Come on. Feel the beat.

Feel the beat. All right.

You know, you got real strong pecs,
but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.

- You want me to take it off?
- Well, I don't know. It's up to you.

- It would be better if I did?
- Might be. Whatever you want.

- All right. Come on.
- Yeah.

That's it. Come on, George.
That's it. Come on. Give it to me.

Come on. Work it.
Work it. Oh, yeah.

Hold it. Hold it.
Yeah, be a man. Be a man.

Lover boy. You are a lover boy.

Oh, yeah. This can't miss.


Is this Elaine Marie Benes?

Yeah. Who's this?

We're with the American Medical
Association, the AMA.

Can you confirm the correct spelling
of your last name?

Is it B-E-N-E-S?

Yeah. What is this about?



- Hello?
- What?

Get off the line.
We're trying to make another call.

Oh, sorry.

Elaine. Hello.
What are you doing here?

- Leo, has the doctor been in yet?
- No, I'll ask him about my eyebrows.

Okay. Listen, Leo.
You're hairless, you're scared.

When the doctor comes in, you just
let me do the talking, okay? Okay.

Leo. I understand
you had a little mishap.

It was a fireball.

I never should have left him alone.

- And who are you?
- I'm his nurse. Paloma.

You're not my nurse.

He has good days and bad.

Well, what seems to be the problem?

- Are my eyebrows gonna grow back?
- And he seems to have a bit of a rash.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, there's been a bit of that
going around lately.

Will you excuse me
a minute, Paloma?

I'm just going to get some ointment.

I don't like this. This is too easy.

- Elaine...
- Shut up. I think he's onto us.

Elaine, what about my eyebrows?

Here. Here.

I don't like this, Kramer.

Will it be much longer?

I'm sorry. It looks like the claim
has been red-flagged.

You're under investigation.

- Investigation?
- Hello, Jerry.

Hello, Newman.

Kramer, you might as well
run along.

Jerry may be a while.

Suspicion of mail fraud.

Mail fraud?

You're in a lot of trouble, buddy.

Okay, I've got your ointment.
Where's your...

- Where's your nurse?
- She left.

Whoa, whoa, no need to get angry.

- Calm down.
- I am calm.

Leo, I don't care for your demeanor.


Well, now you're just being difficult.

What are you writing?

So I really liked the pictures
I picked up here yesterday.

I'm glad, George.

And here's a little roll...

that I think you may enjoy.


Shall we say an hour?

Ron, I gotta go to lunch.
Could you do a roll?

No problem.

By the way, you know that model
who's always in here?

She's missing
one of her lingerie shots.

- Have you seen it?
- No.

All right. All right.

Then let me ask you this:

Don't you find it interesting
that your friend had the foresight...

to purchase postal insurance
for your stereo? Huh?

I mean, parcels are rarely
damaged during shipping.

- Define "rarely."
- Frequently.

Are we about
through here, Newman?

It's pretty hot
under these lights, huh, Seinfeld?

Pretty hot.

Actually, I'm quite comfortable.

- Can I have a sip?
- No.

Not gonna play ball, huh?

All right. Admit it.

That stereo was already busted.

You can't prove anything.

Is this or is this not your signature?

No, as a matter of fact, it isn't.

"Uncle Leo"?

This case is closed
pending further evidence.


Get in there, get the chart,
and get out. You got it?

No problem.
Listen, let me borrow your scarf.

- What? This?
- Yeah. It's nice. Yeah.

- Here.
- Yeah. All right.

- One chart coming up.
- Okay.

It's Bennett, right?

It's Benes, you jackass.

My last name is Benes.


Jerry. Jerry.

Jerry. Jerry. Jerry.

Jerry. Jerry?


So I like what you've done there.

- May I help you?
- Yes, yes.

I'm Dr. Van Nostrund
from the clinic.

I'm gonna need Elaine Benes' chart.

She's a patient of mine...

and I don't think
she's gonna make it. It's very bad.

Very, very messy.

I see. And what clinic is that again?

That's correct.

- Excuse me?
- From the Hoffermandorf Neo Clinic...

- in Belgium.
- Oh, really?

The Netherlands?

- Where's my chart? Did you get it?
- No.

- What? What happened?
- I don't know.

Now they got a chart on me.

I don't know where they could be.

You can't find them.

That's marvelous.

The dance continues.

Well, if I find them I'll call you.

Great. And maybe we could
go out and do something.




- So the little guy finally asked me out.
- Really?

Hey, I can't find
his photos anywhere.

You know what? Some guy from
the post office confiscated them.

He left his card.

I don't know what Newman
wanted to see me for.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

I'm so happy to see you both.

There's just some inconsistencies
I'd like to straighten out.

- I'm clean, Newman, and you know it.
- Clean? Hardly.

This doesn't look like a man...

who's happy with his stereo
performance, now, does it?

- Where did you get that?
- That's one of mine.

Looks like you're breaking into it
like an otter cracks open a clam.

I don't know about that,
but there's an explanation.

Yes. It's called "mail fraud."

How I've longed
for this moment, Seinfeld.

The day when I would have
the proof I needed...

to haul you out of your cushy lair...

and expose you to the light of justice
as the monster that you are.

- A monster so vile...
- Newman!

There'll be a small fine.


- Can we go now?
- Not so fast, pretty boy.

There's more to this
sordid little affair.

Oh, my God.

This photo clearly indicates
your involvement...

in some ill-conceived
mail-order pornography ring.

As does this one,
found in the same disturbing packet.

Oh, my God!

We have a few questions
we'd like you to answer.

I have a few questions of my own.

Hi. One of your mailmen...

Oh, my God. George.

Well, Sheila, it's not what you think.

I put my trust in the wrong person.

He said the key word was "tasteful."

The timeless art of seduction.

Oh, gee.

That wasn't such a long drive.

The dirt road really hurt my back.

Okay, please,
everybody just stop complaining.

Smile. We're good patients.

Okay, Miss Benes,
you wanna come on back?

- Oh, I'd love to.
- Oh, just a second.

- Okay.
- Hello.


Well, as a matter of fact,
they're here right now.

I understand.