Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 4 - The Little Kicks - full transcript

Jerry is forced to bootleg a movie for Kramer's friend. George tries the "bad boy" image. No one has the heart to tell Elaine that she's a terrible dancer.

- I wouldn't walk over there.
- Why not?

Because it's the most dangerous part
of the sidewalk.

A cab hops a curb:

You've had your last egg sandwich.

What about over there? You know,
air conditioners fall out all the time.

I'd much rather get hit by an 80-pound
air conditioner than a two-ton cab.

No, no, cab's coming up right here.

Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs...

a monkey to answer the phone,
I'm back in business.

I'd much rather take one in the head,
like I did in '79.

You were living
in the Village then, right?

I don't really remember.

Toxic-waste green.

That is disgusting.

You know, revulsion has now become
a valid form of attraction.

Well, then, you're driving me wild.

I had them done for
the big Peterman bash I'm throwing.

Why are you having a party?

Oh, I drive my people hard,
and then I reward them.

- Like with dogs.
- Yeah, exactly.


- Yeah.
- Food?

- Bar?
- Yeah.


He's gonna show up anyway.

George, I just don't
want you interfering.

How could I possibly interfere?

Isn't that what Jack Ruby said?

These are fantastic. Fantastic.

You know, I'd love to get a jump
on the next batch.

Where do you come out of?

She's been ignoring this section
all evening.

- Quesadilla?
- No thanks.

- Hi, my name is George.
- Anna.

I don't recall seeing you
around the office.

Do you work in the mailroom?

Not quite. I... I'm a friend
of Elaine Benes.

Oh, that's nice. Excuse me.


How about leading us in a toast?

Oh, sure.

Hey, guys, I wanna make a toast.

Here's to those who wish us well...

and those who don't
can go to hell.

All right. Who's dancing?

Come on, who's dancing?

You want...? You want me to get it
started? I'll get it started. All right.

Come on, guys.
What's the holdup?

Sweet, fancy Moses.

Hey. You get the tickets?

- Who needs two?
- Oh, mamacita! Let me see them.

Special sneak preview
of Death Blow.

Death Blow. When someone
tries to blow you up...

not because of who you are...

but because
of different reasons altogether.

Yeah? Come on up.

Hey, Jerry, you think you could get
an extra ticket for my friend Brody?

Know what I had to go
through to get these?

But he's a big fan of the genre.

You know, I'd consider it
a personal favor to me.

Yeah, I guess I do owe you. Yeah.

Listen, you want me to stay here
till George gets up?

- No, I'm okay.
- There's no problem, really.

I'm fine.

- He's right in there, boy.
- Yeah, okay.

Hey, how was the party?

The food was good.

Yeah, so, I didn't miss anything?

Well, actually, you did miss
one little nugget of entertainment.

Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

Elaine danced?

It was more like a full-body
dry heave set to music.

Did she do the little kicks
and the thumbs?

- Wait, you mean you know about this?
- For some time.

It was about five years ago.

I never knew what to say to her
about it.

It was one of those problems
I hoped would just go away.

Well, sometimes you can't help
these people till they hit rock bottom.

And by then you've lost interest.

Take a ride with me later.
I borrowed my father's car, '68 GTO.

What made him get that thing?

Well, during that period when my folks
were separated, he went a little crazy.

Not a very long trip.

- Brody's in.
- I don't even have the extra ticket yet.

Well, you better get on the horn.

I'm telling you, Jerry,
I'm getting a vibe.

If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff
completely lost respect for me.

How could that be?

Well, Jerry, I mean,
it's like the feeling is palpable.

Could it have something
to do with the party?

No, George was there.
He said he had a great time.

It's George. I bet you this is
somehow George-related.

- Oh, what are you talking about?
- He's like a virus.

He attaches himself
to a healthy host company...

and the next thing you know,
the entire staff is infected.

Now you're talking crazy.

All right. Then, Jerry, if that's not
what it is, you tell me. What is it?

There's my call waiting,
I gotta get going. Bye-bye.

Have a minute
to approve some copy?

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.

So did you have a good time
at the party last night?

It was a real kick.

Hey, did you happen to speak
to my friend George?

As a matter of fact, I did.

Well, listen, you would be wise
to keep your distance from him.

Why? He seems harmless.

Oh, he's not. He's very harmful.

- Really?
- Oh, trust me.

He's a bad seed,
he's a horrible seed.

He's one of the worst seeds
I've ever seen.

And you two are friends?

Yeah, we're good friends.

So this Anna called me
from out of the blue.

- Really? I thought you were rebuffed.
- With extreme prejudice.

- Maybe Elaine put in a good word.
- No, no. See, that's the thing.

Anna told me Elaine said I was one
of the worst seeds she'd ever seen.

She doesn't care for you.

Then a stern warning.

Suddenly a phone call.

Seems Elaine's made you
the bad boy.

And Anna digs the bad boy.

I'm the bad boy.

I've never been the bad boy.

You've been the bad employee,
the bad son, the bad friend.

Yes. Yes, yes.

The bad fianc?, bad dinner guest,
bad credit risk.

Okay, the point is made.

The bad date, the bad sport,
the bad citizen.

The bad tipper.

Half of show business is here.

Oh, there's Brody. Brody, over here.

- Hey, Kramer.
- Yeah.

And you must be Jerry.
Thanks for the ticket.

That's quite a feedbag
you're working on there.

It's for all of us. Is there a problem?

Brody. Brody, come on,
he's just kidding.

He's a joke maker. Tell him, Jerry.

I'm a joke maker.

All right, here we go.

Death Blow.


What the hell is he doing?

Relax, he does that all the time.

Does what?

He's making a copy of the movie
for sale on the street.

May I see you outside
for a moment, please?

- No, I want to watch the movie.
- Outside!

Come on.

- Hey, have you seen Anna?
- Just left to meet your friend George.

To meet George?

I knew it. Where did they go?

- The park, why?
- Don't you see?

George is in the bloodstream.

You stay away from him too.

What do you mean,
bootlegging the movie?

It's a perfectly legitimate business.

- It's not legitimate.
- It's a business.

- Where did you meet this guy?
- Friend of a friend.

You know Corky Ramirez
up on 94th Street?

One day he and l
are playing pachinko...


Man, we're missing the deathblow!

I don't believe it.

You know, I'm not supposed to be
talking to you.

No one's putting a gun
to your head.

Do I scare you?


A little.

Nice car.


She's a sweet ride.

Is that your orthopedic back pillow?


Well, is it, or isn't it?

I guess not.

- Stay away from her.
- Hey, I didn't do nothing.

- Get in the car.
- But...

You heard me, young lady.
Get in the car.

And you! You should know better.

I don't want you infecting my staff.

Lighten up.

Go get them, Death Blow.

So, Death Blow, we meet again.

Are you okay?

I got a cramp.

Well, it's no wonder.
You ate that entire bag of candy.

There it goes again.

Kramer, you gotta drive me home.

What is going on over here?

Jerry, finish shooting
the movie for me.

Are you nuts? No way
I'm holding that thing.

Jerry, the man is in pain.

If he didn't lick his fingers
before reaching in the bag...

we would have eaten some.
Serves him right.

What are you, some kind
of tough guy?

Okay. Let's everybody just relax.

- Jerry, take the camera.
- All right, I'm taking the camera.

All right, come on, let's go.
Thanks, buddy.

Oh, man.


So how was the rest
of Death Blow?

How was the rest of Death Blow?

Who got the final deathblow?

I thought that Hawaiian guy
had it coming to him, huh?

You make me get a ticket
for this friend...

and then the guy forces me
to bootleg a movie at gunpoint?

He's quite a character, isn't he?

He came by here last night at 3:00
in the morning to pick up the tape.

I was scared out of my mind.

I'll get it.

- Yup.
- It's Brody.

Yeah, come on up.
It's Brody, he's coming.

What? Are you crazy?
I don't want to see this guy again.

Jerry, you did him a favor.

He probably wants to thank you.

What if I didn't do it right?

It's your first time. He'll understand.

People with guns don't understand.

That's why they get guns.
Too many misunderstandings.

- Hey, Brody.
- Hi.

Jerry, I have to talk to you
about the tape.

- Yeah.
- I've never seen such beautiful work.

- What?
- You're a genius.

The zoom-ins, the framing,
I was enchanted.


I did the best I could.

I got another project for you.
Here, go ahead.

It's a movie called Cry, Cry Again.

I was gonna give it to one of my
other guys, but it's an arty movie...

and quite frankly,
they don't have the sensibility.

- May I use your phone?
- Yeah, yeah. It's under the couch.

Look at you.
You got another gig, huh?

I don't want another gig.

I'm not doing this.

But you have a gift. Look, Jerry,
this is not your little comedy act.

We're talking feature films here.

We're talking federal crime here.

I'll expect that tape
by 3:00 tomorrow.

- May I borrow this, please?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.

You need a glove?

"l pressed through the rushes,
and there...

the native dancers whirled
before me...

Iimbs flailing, arms akimbo...

feet kicking up dust."

What? What is so funny?

Sorry, I got hung up.

At Yankee Stadium.

This? It's mine.

Oh, really? Because it looks
a little big for you.

It looks like something
a short, stocky...

slow-witted, bald man...

might wear.

He's not stocky.

Who did that? Who did that?

The French guy fell off his bike.

Oh, man, that's precious.

No, no, no...

no, no, no.

What were you thinking
when you shot this?

- What? That's fine.
- You know what this scene is about?

Yeah, it's about a guy
buying a loaf of bread.

No. Bread is his soul.

He's trying to buy back
a loaf of his soul.

Wha... Where?

No way you're giving this tape
to Brody and telling him I shot it.

- He's not gonna know the difference.
- I don't care about Brody.

I was up on 96th Street today.

There was a little kid, couldn't
have been more than 10 years old.

He was asking a street vendor
if he had any other bootlegs...

that looked as good
as Death Blow.

That's who I care about.

The little kid who needs bootlegs...

because his parent
or guardian won't let him see...

the excessive violence
and strong sexual content...

you and I take for granted.

So you'll do the movie?

Oh. Oh, man. I sat in gum.

I have to.

But I'm gonna need
to storyboard this whole thing.

- Where are my Magic Markers?
- Right here.

Well, I have lost
complete control of my staff.

Why did I let George go
to that party?

I mean, we were
having so much fun.

I mean, we were wining,
we were dining, we were dancing.


- What?
- This... thing.

- It's dancing.
- No, no. That ain't dancing, sally.

I dance fine.

You stink.

He doesn't know
what he's talking about.



I'm a good dancer, right?

I forgot to make my bed.

Jerry, do I stink?

All right. You're beyond stink.

But I really enjoy dancing.

And that's not helping either.

That's why you're having trouble with
your staff, not because of George.

It's that bad?

Have you ever seen yourself?

Please, please. Not in my home.

I gotta throw this stuff in the laundry.
I'll be right back.

I have George Costanza
still holding.

George, hi.

I have Anna here. There's something
I want to say to both of you.

Yo, Anna.

Hi, George, what are you up to?

You don't wanna know.

Well, listen, I feel
really horrible about...

trying to keep you two apart,
and I just wanted to apologize.

What...? What are you
talking about?

Well, George, I just want you
to hear me say to Anna...

that you're a good
and decent person.

Pick up the phone, Elaine.
Pick it up.

I never should have given Anna
the impression...

- Pick it up!
- You're a bad seed...

I mean, you're a fine seed.

Elaine, get off the speaker!

- What?
- You are ruining everything.

What? I'm trying to help.
Why are you being so difficult?

Yeah, yeah. That's it. More of that.
Difficult, I'm a difficult seed.

George, I don't have time for this.

Anna, do you want to
talk to George?

- No, I don't think so.
- No, she doesn't want to.

- Okay. Bye, George, we'll see you.
- I'm a bad man.

So where's the tape?

Oh, no, I didn't shoot this one.
I'm just scouting the location.

- I need the tape.
- You'll get your tape.

But here's what I need.
I'm gonna need three cameras...

two on the floor, one in the balcony,
and I want headsets...

for the guys running them.
I want to be able to talk to them.

Are you out of your mind?

- Kramer, l... You know....
- Yeah. I know, Jerry, it's okay.

Yeah, look, Brody,
Jerry wants to do the bootleg.

He's dying to do it, but if you don't
make him happy, the work suffers...

and then nobody's happy.

Just shoot the damn thing
so I can get it out on the street.

All right, that's it.
I can't work like this.

- Jerry...
- I'm off the project.


- I want the tape.
- Yeah, l... I know.

Well, I'm the good boy again.

Can you believe that?

They think they can get anyone
to shoot these bootlegs.

Anna actually has respect
for me now.

It's all over.

The whole business has changed.
It's all about money now.

The sad thing is,
it's the kids that suffer.

Listen, man, you gotta shoot
this movie for me.

Brody, he's a reasonable man,
but he's insane.

I'm not doing this anymore.
I don't know what I was thinking.

It's illegal, it's dangerous....

Did you say dangerous?

I'm a bootlegger.

- You're a what?
- Bootlegging a movie, baby.

Isn't that illegal?

I could do hard time for this one.
And community service.

Is this your FiberCon?

Get out of my way!

Jerry, George got arrested.

- What?
- Yeah. He went down at the Beekman.

He tried to lam,
but they cheesed him.

Oh, now I see.

- Yeah?
- It's Brody. I'm coming up.

What are we gonna do?

Well, I gotta give him something.

Come on. Where's that tape I shot?

I think that's it.

Let's check it out.

Sweet, fancy Moses.

Jerry, she taped over
the whole ending.

- Where's the tape?
- Well, it's...

- Is that it?
- Yeah, yeah.

Here it is, Brody.

One copy of Cry, Cry Again.

How'd it turn out?

- Great.
- Great, yeah.

Although the whole story
kind of comes apart at the end there.

Out of nowhere there's this lone
dancer who appears to be injured.

Yeah. It's a disturbing image.

Yeah. So you cry,
and then when you see the dancing...

you cry again.

It's all right, George.
You'll just pay a fine, and that'll be it.

Why did the policeman
have to yell at me like that?

- Anna.
- Oh, thanks for coming to pick me up.

- I can explain everything.
- All right.

We'll talk about it at the office.

- Okay, where's my boy?
- Oh, my God.

I'm sitting at home reading
a periodical, and this is the call I get?

My son is a bootlegger?

Ow, Dad!

- Who put you up to this? Was it her?
- All right.

Wait, I think
you've got it backwards.

George isn't clever enough
to hatch a scheme like this.

- You got that right.
- What the hell does that mean?

That means whatever the hell
you want it to mean.

You saying you want a piece of me?

I could drop you like a bag of dirt.

You want a piece of me?

You got it!

But he's an old man, Elaine.

Well, he wrote the check,
and I cashed it.

Look, here's that bootlegged
Death Blow that I shot.

- Cry, Cry Again, I want to see that.
- No, you don't.

- You shot Death Blow?
- Yeah.

- It was brilliant.
- Thank you.

- You were big.
- I'm still big.

It's the bootlegs that got small.

- How are things at the office? Normal?
- Yeah, pretty much.

Although I still get the vibe
every once in a while.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.