Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 3 - The Bizarro Jerry - full transcript

George uses Susan's death to pick up women. Elaine's new friend is Jerry's exact opposite. Jerry's new girlfriend has manly hands. Kramer pretends to work for an upscale firm.

All right, how about this?
Let's say you're abducted by aliens.


They haul you aboard the mothership, take
you back to their planet as a curiosity.

Now, would you rather be
in their zoo or their circus?

I gotta go zoo.

I feel like I could set
more of my own schedule.

In the circus, you get to ride
on the train, see the whole planet.

I'm wearing a little hat.
I'm jumping through fire.

Putting their little alien heads
in my mouth.

- At least it's show business.
- Yeah.

But in the zoo, you know, they might
put a woman in there with me...

to, you know, get me to mate.

What if she's got no interest in you?

Then I'm pretty much
where I am right now.

Just got to take a ride
on a spaceship.

George, why couldn't I use
the bathroom in that store?

Kramer, trust me, this is
the best bathroom in Midtown.

He knows.

It's right in there, on the left.

Exquisite marble, high ceilings
and a flush like a jet engine:

Now, listen, you better not wait.
I'll catch you later.

- You sure?
- He knows.


Why don't you try
your engagement story?

- Won't work.
- Are you sure?

He knows.

Look, Kevin, I really like you...

but maybe we'd be better off
just being friends.

- Friends?
- Yeah. I mean...

Oh, God...

this tuna tastes like an old sponge.

Friends. Yeah. Why not friends?

I might like to try that.

Like you and Jerry.

This damn thing is jammed again.

You know what happens with these?

The rollers,
they get flat spots on them.

Hey, Leland wants everyone
in the conference room now.

- Come on, let's go.
- Oh, yeah.


I was telling you about Gillian...

my friend who writes
for the L.L. Bean catalog.

I really think
you should give her a call.

I don't know, do you have it...?

- Not bad. What does she...?
- I put her stats on the back.

Pretty impressive.
Serious boyfriend, '92 to '95.

- Owns her own car.
- Yup.

Favorite president, James Polk.

Let me see that.

So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you
steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?

You are not gonna believe this. I told
him that I just wanted to be friends.

He's fine with it.
He really wants to be friends.

- Why would anybody want a friend?
- It's really not that bad, actually.

He said he'd go
to the Museum of Miniatures.

This is something
you would never, ever do.

I mean, all that stuff is so small.


You know, if I told my engagement
story to that receptionist...

but told her this was my fianc?e....

- What?
- Don't you see?

Women like that are like members of a
secret tribe living in a forbidden city.

People like me have not been
inside in thousands of years.

But with this, it's like I've already
been with one of her own.

My hand's been stamped.
I come and go as I please.

Well, you've cracked it.

I warned the queen
you were getting close and...

now it looks like we're gonna have to
move the whole damn forbidden city.

- Can I keep this?
- No, I need it.


Hi. I'm... I'm here to see
a Mr. Art Vandalay.

I'm sorry, sir,
there is no Mr. Vandalay here.

Well, let me...

Let me just check and make sure
I have the right name.

I seem to... Oh, l...

Oh, she's beautiful. Who is she?

Well, if you must know,
she was my fianc?e, Susan.

May she rest in peace.

I am so sorry. She was lovely.

- I'm Amanda.
- I'm George.

- Good work today, K-Man.
- You know what they say:

You don't sell the steak,
you sell the sizzle.

- Who's up for drinks? I'm buying.
- In that case, make mine a double.

- Jerry?
- Gillian.

- Hi.
- It's very nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

She had man-hands.

- Man-hands?
- The hands of a man.

It's like a creature
out of Greek mythology.

I mean, she was like part woman,
part horrible beast.

Would you prefer it
if she had no hands at all?

Would she have hooks?

Do.... Do hooks make it
more attractive, Jerry?

Kind of cool-looking.

Okay, listen. You're picking me up
from White Plains tomorrow, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, I got five
huge boxes of buttons.

If you need an extra set of hands,
I know who you can call.

- Kramer?
- Hey, buddy. Hey.

It's 8 in the morning.
What the hell is going on?

Breakfast. I gotta be in
at Brandt-Leland by 9.


Because I'm working there,
that's why.

How long have I been asleep?
What year is it?

Look, Jerry, I don't know
if you've noticed...

but lately I've been
drifting aimlessly.

Now that you mention it....

But I finally realized
what's missing in my life.


And at Brandt-Leland,
I'm getting things done.

And I love the people
I'm working with.

- How much are they paying you?
- No, no, no. I don't want any pay.

I'm doing this just for me.


So, what do you do
down there all day?


You know, taking care of business.

I gotta go. All right, then.

I'll see you tonight.

Forget my briefcase.

- Well, what do you got in there?
- Crackers.

So the picture worked. Amazing!

Hey, she wants me
to dress smart casual.

What...? What is that?

- I don't know, but you don't have it.
- Right. Bye.

- Where were you today?
- What?

Pick up.

- Damn.
- So? Where were you?

Here, I guess.
And I went out and picked up a paper.

I had to ask Kevin to leave his office
and come and pick me up.

- Well, what are friends for?
- Yes.

And he is a friend, Jerry.

He's reliable, he's considerate,
he's like your exact opposite.

So he's Bizarro Jerry.

Bizarro Jerry?

Yeah, like Bizarro Superman.

Superman's exact opposite...

who lives in the backwards
Bizarro World.

Up is down, down is up.

He says hello when he leaves,
goodbye when he arrives.

Shouldn't he say "badbye"?

Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?

No, it's still goodbye.

- Does he live underwater?
- No.

- Is he black?
- Just forget the whole thing, all right?

Wow, man.

What a day.

- Could I use a drink!
- Tough day at the office?

People kept coming in,
and that phone just wouldn't stop.

We better get going if we're gonna
go to that 7:00 Hall of Fusion.

Yeah, well, count me out.
I'm swimming in it.

Old man Leland is busting
my hump over these reports.

If I don't get them done
by 9, I'm toast.

All right, I have to go.

Oh, and listen, could you
keep it down to a low roar?

Some of us have to work
in the morning. Thanks.

This is a fantastic place.

I always thought
it was a meat-packing plant.

Hey, Amanda.

These are my friends,
Annabell, Justina and Mickey.

- We used to model together.
- Oh, modeling.

What's that like, fun?

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

So, Mickey,
how was Paris this time?

A bore.

You know who used to love Paris?
My dead fianc?e, Susan.

In fact, I think I may have
a picture of her.

She was beautiful.

Do you wanna dance?

- Would you like some bread, Jerry?
- No. No, thanks, I'm just not hungry.

Well, then, at least drink your beer.

It's not a twist-off.

You have a little something
on your face.

I can get it.

No, no, no.
You're missing it. It's higher.

It's an eyelash. Make a wish.

- I don't want to.
- Make a wish.


Didn't come true.

Don't you just love lobster?

That Museum of Miniatures
was amazing.

- I know, it was so tiny.
- Yeah.

Hey, guys. Elaine, sit down.

These are a couple of my friends.
This is Gene...

and this guy we just call Feldman.

Bizarro World.

Jerry, it was incredible.

Models as far as the eye could see.

- Then it does exist.
- Yes, the legends are true.

When are you
going out with her again?

I'm not.

I'm inside the walls.

So you're gonna burn that bridge.

- Flame on!
- So when are we going?

Well, it's a pretty fast-paced crowd.

What would you wear? That?

You know, I'm the one who's actually
dating the woman in the picture.


But I was engaged to her.

- I got it.
- You got it last time.

Don't worry about it.

This is unbelievable.

Say, Elaine, what do you think
of an alarm clock...

that automatically tells you
the weather when you wake up?

Well, I gotta say, I think that
that is a fantastic idea, Feldman.

I don't know. It's not practical.

Well, see you later, Elaine.

Feldman and I gotta get down
to the library.

- What are you gonna do down there?
- Read.


So Gillian's coming over later.
I'm gonna end it.

Those meaty paws. I feel like I'm
dating George "The Animal" Steele.


Maybe I'll chain her
to the refrigerator and sell tickets.

That's nice.

Kramer, put the paper down.
You never listen to me anymore.

- We hardly even talk.
- Well, we're talking now, aren't we?

- I see you 20 minutes in the morning...
- Oh, here we go.

And when you come home
you're exhausted.

- We never do anything anymore.
- What are you starting with me for?

You know this
is my crazy time of year.

It's your third day.

I gotta go to work.
We'll talk about this later.


call if you're gonna be late.

- What is going on with you two?
- Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.

All right, listen.
Have you seen my addre...?

There it is. Okay. I got it.
I'll see you later.

Hey, wait a second. Where you going?
I hardly ever see you anymore.

Well, l...

I guess I've been at Reggies.

The Bizarro coffee shop?

Kevin and his friends
are nice people.

They do good things.

- They read.
- I read.

Books, Jerry.

Big deal.

I can't spend the rest of my life...

coming into this stinking apartment
every 10 minutes...

to pore over
the excruciating minutiae...

of every single daily event.

Why not? Like, yesterday, I went
to the bank to make a deposit...

- and the teller gives me this look...
- I'll see you later, man. I gotta go.

The whole system is breaking down.

Hey. Amanda, hi, yeah.

Listen, you know, I'm thinking we
might just be better off being friends.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?
I can't really talk about it right now.


No. No!

- Friends? Just friends.
- Yeah.

All right. Well, do you still
wanna see a movie later?

I wish I could, but we're friends.

- I'm just gonna go wash my hands.
- Good idea.

There's a beach towel on the rack.

- Yeah.
- Jerry!

My hair dryer ruined the picture.

I need one or I can't
get back into the forbidden city.

Who is this?

Jerry! I need you to get
another picture of man-hands.

I'm begging you.

If I get it, will you take me to that club
and show me a good time?

Yes, yes, all right. Anything.


Got it.


- Hey, Jerry?
- I'm right here.

- You're late.
- Yeah, well, I got held up, you know.

- What happened to your hand?
- Like you care.

- Work piled up, I lost track of the time.
- Sure. Sure.

You and your work.
Elaine's off in the Bizarro World...

George only calls
when he wants something...

and I'm left sitting here
like this chicken.

Which, by the way, was for two.

- What? You cooked?
- I ordered in. It's still effort.

- Jeez.
- What's wrong?

- It's my stomach.
- You're probably getting an ulcer.

This job is killing you.

It's killing us.

You know what? You're right.

These reports, they can wait.

Say we go out tonight.
Any place you want.

- The coffee shop?
- You got it.

I'll call George.

Hey, isn't that Elaine?

Maybe she can get another picture.

- Elaine?
- Elaine?

- Elaine?
- Hey, Elaine.

Hi. Over here.

Jerry, George, Kramer...

this is Kevin, Gene and Feldman.

- Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.

This is really weird.

Could you guys excuse us
just for a moment?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

What? What do you guys want?

I've got to have
another picture of Gillian.

I tried to get him one, but man-hands
almost ripped my arm out.

- You could have.
- I could not.

Guys, I gotta go. Take it easy.


- Can I come?
- I'm sorry.

We've already got a George.

What did you wanna see
me about, Mr. Leland?

Kramer, I've been reviewing your work.
Quite frankly, it stinks.

Well, l....

I've been having trouble at home.

I mean, you know, I'll work harder,
nights, weekends, whatever it takes.

No. No.
I don't think that's going to do it.

These reports you handed in...

it's almost as if you have
no business training at all.

I don't know
what this is supposed to be.

Well, I'm just trying to get ahead.

Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way
that we could keep you on.

But I don't even really work here.

That's what makes this so difficult.

Hi, I'm George.

Are you sure
you're supposed to be here?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I used to come here
with my fianc?e...

back when it was
a meat-packing plant.

Here's her picture.

What'd you do? Cut this out
of a magazine or something?

- What?
- That's me.

It's from a Clinique ad I did.

Look at that.

Let's go. Private party.

It's Laney.

- Hi, Elaine.
- Hi, Kevin.

- Come on in.
- Okay.

Hi, Gene.

- What's up?
- Just reading.

Hey, what are you doing?

- Eating olives.
- Ever hear of asking?

- Who is it?
- Feldman.

- From across the hall.
- Hold on.

- Hey.
- Hey, Kevin.

- Hi.
- Look who I ran into.

- Hello, Kevin.
- Hello, Vargas.

- Wanna catch a game this weekend?
- Great.

- I'll see you later.
- Okay.


- Well, I got them.
- All right.

Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able
to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi.

- Fourth row, center.
- Get out!

- What's the matter with you?
- Oh, Kevin.

I'm so sorry.
Is there anything I can do?

Haven't you done enough already?

I'll just....


It's locked.

So this is it, huh?

But it was here.

It was here, I'm telling you.
It was really here.

There was a bar and a dance floor.

I guess the DJ booth was over there
behind the bone saw?

Let's get out of here, George.

At work, I discovered a pay phone in
the lobby that has free long distance.

Oh, so, what did you do?

I called the phone company
and immediately reported the error.


- Who is it?
- Feldman.

- From across the hall.
- Hold on.

- Kevin. Brought you some groceries.
- Again?

- Feldman, you didn't have to do that.
- Hey, what are friends for?

You know,
I may not say this enough...

but you two are about
the best friends a guy could have.

Me so happy.

Me want to cry.