Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 7 - The Secret Code - full transcript

George refuses to give anyone his secret code (BOSCO). Kramer buys a police scanner. Jerry does a series of ads for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. Elaine has dinner with J. Peterman but after she and Jerry bail on the dinner, George is stuck to dine with Peterman. George spills his secret code to Peterman's dying mother and gets in trouble for it.

They really got us trained to use
that cash machine. Don't they?

We're just like chickens in an experiment
waiting for that pellet to come down the shoot.

You see people
at the cash machine.

They're just there. Just...


Waiting for the sound.
You know the sound.

You're waiting for the sound.

That's what we're trained
to hear.

The here-comes-the-money sound,
you know?


It's exciting.
Don't you get excited?

It's coming! It's coming!

It's coming! It's coming!

They're giving me money.

Hey, I gotta get some cash.
I'm gonna run down to the ATM.

Yeah, I gotta grab some too.

Oh, I'll get it for you.
Give me your card.

Are you sure?

Just tell me your code.

My code?

Why didn't you tell her the code?

No. No way.

George, you're gonna
marry this woman.

Most likely.

It says very clearly,
"For your protection,

It says very clearly,
"For your protection,

do not give
your secret code to anyone."

So you're taking relationship
advice from Chemical Bank now?

Why does everything
have to be "us"?

Is there no "me" left?

Why can't there be some things
just for me? Is that so selfish?

Actually, that's
the definition of selfish.

Have you ever given
your code to anyone?

No one's ever asked.
Do you want it? It's "Jor-El."

Superman's father on Krypton.

Of course.

Come on, Georgie,
you know you wanna tell me.

It's eating you up inside.

Sing it, sister.

No. No. I am not giving my code
to anyone for any reason.

What if my life depended on it?

If you're in some situation where
some fast cash will save your life,

I'll give you the code.

What's the matter with your leg?

My foot fell asleep.

How did your foot fall asleep?

I crossed my legs.
I forgot to alternate.

Hey, Jerry, George.

Hey, Fred.
Hey, Freddie.

Foot fell asleep.

You're lucky. At least
you got something to do.

Hey, Fred,
do you know Elaine?

No. Nice to meet you.

Well, I'm outta here.
See you, guys.

All right, Fred.
See you.

Did you hear that?
He said, "Nice to meet you."


So we've met before.

At Katie Ash's party.
We talked for, like, 10 minutes.

And he didn't remember you?

Where you going?
You just got here.

I gotta go talk to him.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Fred?

- Yeah?
- Hi.

You just said,
"Nice to meet you,"

but actually
we've met before.

We have?

Yeah, at Katie Ash's party.

What was your name again?

Elaine. You don't remember
our conversation?

I talked about how
my uncle worked

in the book depository building
with Lee Harvey Oswald.

Not ringing a bell.

Wh-when my uncle said to him,
"The president's been shot,"

Oswald winked at him and said,
"I'm gonna go catch a movie."


That was right when we were
in front of the bathroom door.

The bathroom door.

I remember someone had played
tic-tac-toe on it,

and the Xs won.

They went diagonally from the
top left to the bottom right.

Hey, that sounds great.

I'd love to do
some TV commercials.

That should really be fun.

Uh-huh. Okay.

All right, bye.

Huh. How do you like that?

I'm gonna do some TV spots

for Leapin' Larry's
Appliance Store.

That was Leapin' Larry himself.
I'm gonna meet him tomorrow.

Leapin' Larry, yeah,
that's where I bought this.

What is that?

Well, it's
an emergency band scanner.

It picks up everything:

fires, harbor patrol,
even the police.

I'm watchin'
the watchers, Jerry.


We got a big fire on 115th.

God, I tell you, if I could
do it over again,

I'd give it all up
to be a fireman.

Yeah, those civil servants
who risk their lives

really got it made.


When I was a kid,
all I ever dreamed of

was steering the back
of that big hook-and-ladder.

You're lucky
they let you drive a car.

Shh. No, no, no.

They're taking
the West Side Highway.

At this time of day?
That's insane.

They're heading
straight into gridlock.

Oh, those fools.

What was that?

All right.

So...get a load of this.

This guy, Fred Yerkes,

remembers every little thing
about that night except me.

Really? I'm surprised.
He doesn't meet that many women.

So, what are you saying?

Well, what's to be said.
He didn't remember you.

Yeah, but why?

I mean...

You know.

I know.

- You know?
- Yeah, I know.

Lookit, you got
the new catalog.

Yeah. You wrote a good piece
on the Himalayan Walking Shoe.

Too good.
Peterman was so pleased

now he wants to take me
out to dinner tomorrow.

Maybe you wanna come with me.

Why would I wanna do that?

Oh, please, Jerry.
Please, please, please.

I can't sit with him.
He tells these stories.

I can't sit with him.
He tells these stories.

It's gonna be awful.

Yeah, sounds like fun.

I want you to tell me, George.

Why? Why is my code
so important?

Because it's part
of our relationship.

It's an indication
of trust.

We're not supposed to
keep secrets from one another.

Well, I-I'm sure
you have secrets from me.

I-I-- I don't know anything
about your cycles.

My cycles?

Yeah, I never know
what's going on there.

Well, from now on, I'll keep
you apprised of my cycle.


Anything else?

We're out of Bosco.

How about this?

"Come on down
to Leapin' Larry's.

If you can beat our prices,
we'll give you the store."

You know, I've always liked
your comedy.

- You don't take cheap shots.
- No, I don't.

I'm sorry for keeping you here
so long.

Again, I apologize
for the mess.

This renovation
is killing me.

Ow, my foot's asleep again.

When I lost my leg in the
boating accident last year,

I got so depressed
about this damn prosthetic,

I thought I was gonna
have to give up the business.

But now...I'm rejuvenated.

Lemme show you
around the store.

You know what,
I'll be with you in a minute.


That is a great impression.

Larry, wait,
you don't understand.

I just came from Leapin' Larry's.

What, making fun
of crippled people?

Is that
what you've sunk to?

You know, I didn't do it on purpose.
My foot fell asleep.

Oh. Oh, your foot
fell asleep.

You know,
the guy has one leg,

and he still calls himself
Leapin' Larry.

You'd think he'd have
a sense of humor about it.

Well, you just joked yourself
right out of that commercial,

didn't you, munjamba?

Yeah. Head up.

Oh, boy.
Look at that.

See, that's that fire
I was listening to yesterday.

Wow. The whole building
burned down.

Well, they just don't know
what street to take.

Remember that time I got us to Yankee
Stadium in rush hour in 15 minutes?

Of course.

It's all up here, Jerry.
All up here.

It's innate.

Amazing thing is
you never have any place to go.

Where are
we gonna eat?

We're gonna meet Elaine and
Peterman at the Chinese place.

Peterman? Nobody mentioned
anything about Peterman.

Of course not.
If I did, would you have gone?

No way.
There you go.

I don't even know Peterman.

Now how am I gonna relax?

I'm gonna have to be on
all night.

I don't like being on, Jerry.
I'd much rather be off.

Trust me, you're off.

Oh, hi, Fred.

Uh, hello.

It's Elaine.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right, yes.

Yeah. How you doing?

I'm depressed.

I got this new shirt.
The button fell off.

Once the button falls off,
that's it.

I'll never fix it.

Yeah, that's-- That's too bad.

Yeah, I'm gonna get
some vitamins.

I feel depleted.

Mm. I never take 'em.

'Cause they make you
nauseous, right?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
You remembered. Ha-ha.

Do you wanna have dinner

Hmm. Tonight.

Why, do you have other plans?

No. No, no. No.
None that I can, um... remember.

All right. You're locked up
in a prison in Turkey.

I have your wallet.

The only way I can bribe
the guards to get you out is

for you to give me
your ATM code.

- Call the embassy.
- They're closed.

- Why?
- Bomb threat.

We're in Turkey?

Midnight Express, my friend.

My card won't work there.
They're not on the PLUS system.

You must be Jerry Seinfeld.

Yes. Hi, Mr. Peterman.

This is
George Costanza.

J. Peterman.

J. Crew.

J. Crew.

So is, uh, Elaine here?

Oh, Elaine just called.

She won't be joining us.

But not to worry.

I'll tell the maître d'
it'll just be the three bulls.

What's goin' on? He still wants
to have dinner with us?

Without Elaine? What for?

What is he, crazy?

Oh, we gotta get outta here.

Come on, weave your web,

I got nothing.
I-I-I-- I'm blank.

Come on, George,
what's the matter with you?

I'm chokin'!

Oh, Fong has been
most accommodating.

Shall we?

Uh, actually, you know,
I just remembered

I promised this comedy club
that I'd do a set tonight,

so I'm terribly sorry.

I understand.
No hard feelings.

George and I
will miss your company.


It will just be two
this evening.

Well, George...

...we dine.

Ugh. I can't believe this. This guy's standing me up?

And there... tucked
into the river's bend,

was the object
of my search:

the Guangia River Market.

Fabrics and spices
traded under a starlit sky.

It was there...

that I discovered
the Pamplona Beret.

Sizes seven and a half through
eight and three quarters.



What about sports?
You follow sports?

It's fourth and inches,

and the Giants
are going for it.

You've gotta love sports.

You know, this is very nice,

but I really could
take a cab, really--

Nonsense, George.

Besides, it gives me a chance

to tell you about
my latest trip to Burma.

I discovered
a very unusual corduroy.

Peterman here.


Oh, no.

All right. I'll be right there.

It's my mother.
She's at death's door.


I just pray to God we can
make it there in time.

I can't believe you blew us off.
We were doing you the favor.

Well, Fred asked me out.


Yeah, and then he stood me up.

I don't get this guy.

You see what's going on here.

You're attracted to him

because he can't remember
anything about you.

I am? But that's so sick.

That's God's plan.

He doesn't really want anyone
to get together.

Anyway, so how was the dinner?

Well... when I heard
you weren't coming,

I made up an excuse
and got the hell out of there.

What about Georgie?

Ah, he didn't make it.

Doctor, how is she?

She's too weak to talk, but she'll
be happy to hear your voice.

Mama, it's me, Jacobo.

Mama, it's me, Jacobo.

I'm here for you, Mama.

I'm, uh, George Costanza.

I was having dinner
with your son.

Shake off the dew,
my friend.

Oh, man.

What time is it?

It's morning.

Thanks for seeing me
through the night.

I'll make us
a pot of coffee, George.

Watch her, won't you?

- Who?
- Mama.

Just talk to her,

The doctor seems
to think it helps.


You know, I-- I-- Heh.

I really should be getting back
to my fiancée. You know, we...

We had this big fight
yesterday, and...

well, she--

She wants to-- To know
my secret code, you know.

I-- I don't know.

I can't tell her. I...

The funny thing is, you know, I would...
really love to tell someone...

'cause it's--
It's killing me.

You, uh...

You wanna know
what it is?

It's "Bosco."

You know, the chocolate syrup.

I love that stuff.
I pour it in milk.

It's my favorite drink.


Boy, that is a relief.



Shh. Shh-shh. Shh.

- Bosco.
- Mama?

Quiet, quiet. It's a secret.

Bosco! Bosco!

Shut up. It's a secret.

Mama, what are you trying
to say?


She's gone.


This whole thing never would have happened if you

hadn't bailed out on me
at the restaurant.

I did not bail out on you.

Why couldn't you include me
in your excuse?

Why didn't you
come up with your own?

I froze. I think I'm losing it.

Ah, come on.
Maybe you're just in a slump.

No, no.

I reached down...

and there was nothing there!

Now Peterman wants me
to go to the funeral.

Oh, come on, just tell me
your code already. What is it?

I am not giving you my code.

I am not giving you my code.

Whew. I bet I can guess it.

Yeah, right.

Oh. All right. Yeah.

Uh, let's see. Um...

Well, we can throw out
birthdays immediately.

That's too obvious.

And no numbers for you.
You're a word man.

All right. Let's go deeper.

Uh...what kind of man are you?

Well, you're weak, spineless.

A man of temptations.

But what tempts you?

But what tempts you?


You're a portly fellow.

A little long
in the waistband.

So, what's your pleasure?

Is it the salty snacks
you crave?

No, no, no.

Yours is a sweet tooth.

Get out of here.

Oh, you may stray,

but you'll always return
to your dark master:

the cocoa bean.

I'm leaving.

Oh, and only
the purest syrup nectar

Oh, and only
the purest syrup nectar

can satisfy you.
I gotta go!

If you could,
you'd guzzle it by the gallon!

Ovaltine! Hershey's!

Shut up! Shut up!

Nestlé's Quik!
Stop it!

What was that?


You just checked your watch.
Are you thinking of bailing?

I got a date.

- Oh, Mr. Peterman.
- Oh, Elaine.


When Mama said "Bosco,"

she must have been trying
to communicate something.

Her legacy.
A dying wish, perhaps.

Mothers say things.

My mother goes babbling on
and on like a crazy person.

Mr. Peterman, you have
my deepest sympathies.

I've gotta get going.

You do?

Uh, yes, a-actually we--
We-- We both do.

I, uh... I have
a personal commitment.

Well, personal-- I mean, w-we both...

What is it?

I'm speaking at a woman's
rights conference.

Yes, and, uh, I'm...

at a men's conference.

I don't believe that
for a minute.

Well, Elaine, it was
good of you to stop by.

My pleasure.

Fortunately, I still have George
here to help me through this.

You know, George...

growing up as a boy
in Costa Rica,

I heard a rumor
that Mama had taken a lover.

Perhaps Bosco
was this man's name.

Hey! You wanna come down
to the fire station with me?

Hey! You wanna come down
to the fire station with me?

Fire station?

Yeah, I made a map
of my shortcuts.

I'm gonna rock their world.

No. I gotta go down
to Leapin' Larry's.

Oh. So he took you back?

Yeah, we straightened it out.
All is forgiven.

You know, the important thing
is that you learned something.

- No, I didn't.
- Oh.

Well, Mr. Kramer,

your list of shortcuts
is most impressive.

Yeah, and this is just
the Upper West Side.

Wait until I get to the Village.

Then you're gonna see
a magic show. Chk!

Mr. Kramer,
just about every week,

some brash, young hothead
like yourself

saunters in here
talking about faster routes

and snazzier colors
for the truck.

- Well, I--
- Fact is,

we feel things are
fine the way they are.

Anyway, thanks
for having me back

and sorry about
the misunderstanding.

Water under the bridge.

Come on. I never did get a chance
to show you around the store.

Oh, sure.

Oh, again.

I-- I'll be right there.

Attention Company 390.

Structure fire at Leapin'
Larry's Appliance Warehouse.

Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown.
You gotta take Amsterdam.

Stay out of this, Kramer.

All right, men, let's move it!

Pull those doors.

Move! Move!



Are you okay, cowboy?

Where do you need to go? the back of the truck.

You'd...better take it easy.

All right, 48! Let's go, let's go!

Sorry about the other night,

but my mother called.

She couldn't find
her pills.

I had to go into Brooklyn,
help her find the pills,

and they were right there
in the medicine cabinet.

- Could you believe that?
- Heh.

The worst part is getting from
the subway station to the house.

There's no transportation.

What am I doing?

I'm on a date with this guy?

Because he didn't remember me?

He's demented. Listen to him.

I could take a cab,

but if my mother saw me
pull up in a cab,

she'd start yelling at me.

"Freddie, what are ya
takin' a cab for?

It's so expensive."

She's out of her mind.

Eventually, you'll meet her.




There's a big fire
down the street.

The whole block
is going up in flames.


We're gonna make a left
onto Broadway.

No, I would advise against that.

- Who is this?
- It's Kramer.


What the hell
are you doing back there?

Desota's down.
But Cosmo's got the caboose.

How did this start?

Beats me.

Where the hell's
the fire department?

I'm gonna lose
the whole store!

Kramer, get the hell out of there.

You're not trained to
operate this equipment.

Hey, Kramer! Hey!

Pay attention, Kramer!

Hey, try the scanner.
See if you can pick up anything.

What are you doing, Kramer? You're all over the road.

Don't worry, cap, I can handle it.




You're losing control!

Hard right! Hard right!
Make a right!

We're never gonna make it!

That's a shame.

This fire's gonna eat up
this entire block.

George, look. There's
a man in there.

Get out of there!
You're in danger!

My sleeve,
it's stuck in the machine!

It ate my card!

George, give me your ATM card.

I-I don't have my ATM card.

George, you're obviously lying.
Anyone can see that!

It's jammed. I'll slide
it under the door.

Hey! W-wait...

Now g-give me your code.

What? Why?

The machine won't open
without the code!

- George, give him your code.
- But I--

George, there's no time.
Tell him your code.

Shout out your code, man!

The code! The code!


Uh, here's your cash, George.

Mm. Thanks.

And here's your card back.

Anyone for Bosco?

Oh, my God.

- Look at this.
- What?

It's the new J. Peterman
catalog. Look, look.

"The Rogue's Wallet.

"It's where he kept his card,
his dirty little secret.

"Short, devious, balding...

"Short, devious, balding...

"his name was Costanza.

He killed my mother."